this is not about love.

On the phantom betrayal

2011-08-04T14:01:00.000-04:00

The phantom betrayal. Something quite hilarious (to me) happened on one of my morning commutes to work that will shed light on what a weird little brain I have. For months I would see this nondescript girl on the train. Without fail, every time I boarded the train, late or not, she'd board at the next stop.

A couple of weeks passed and I had not seen her. As I wasn't interested in her in any way I didn't really think much of it. To be quite honest, I had forgotten she even existed; she was wiped clean from the memory banks.

One morning, I noticed her running to stop the guillotine like doors of the New York City subways at the expense of a limb. She made it, extremities intact, I saw her, and instantly began to wonder why she was not at her regular stop. Mind you these thoughts all happened in a nano second while watching her trot to the train.

A second later I see a young man run behind her and in the unmistakable routine pulled by every couple/pair/frenemies/acquaintances she walked and turn around to face him as he caught up. This. This was her new boyfriend. I watched them as he leaned up against the door and she delicately held on to him instead of the provided safety poles strewn throughout the car.

I was livid. My eyes became all squinty in the fashion of someone noticing their sworn enemy from across the room. Had I a sword, I probably would have unsheathed it halfway, letting the light of the day glint off the shiny steel, as if to indicate an invitation to a fight to the death. I glared and cringed. I grit my teeth and angrily sighed. I was heartbroken. I was duped. I was betrayed! In my mind she was MY morning companion and no one else's despite never uttering a word to her. Her obvious act of war and outright show-offery infuriated me. I didn't want her but I guess I wanted no one else to have her either. She was mine. We rode close by in complete silence and once off the train walked in the same direction to work. She had left me for another!

I'm clearly insane so I got over it as quickly as I had erupted and never gave it a second thought until I decided to pen this and share it with you lot. I'm happy for her. She's not that cute and her gentleman caller was of the attractive set. Good for her.

The moral of this story is I'm a very jealous person without regard as to whether it's justified or not. Some times there's no room for logic and reason when ideas like that bounce around my noggin. I like that.

Love,
b.

On crushes versus loves/likes

2011-07-26T12:48:00.001-04:00

I'm not the biggest R&B fan out there. Every once in a while though, some slow jam from the 90s will creep into my subconscious without so much as a recent listen. Not sure why this would happen or even why my brain box is trying to inject some sort of romantic tune into me. I'm kind of exhausted with the whole dating/liking/loving thing. I'm more into crushes now. Crushes are safe. Crushes can fade. You can admire a crush from a distance and never put yourself in harms way of some, ahem, crushing blow. Yeah, I meant that pun. Kill me.

You can have a crush on a friend and never tell them. It can come and go or linger forever but calling it a crush, and nothing else, allows you to suppress; suppression you hope will never bubble over creating a foamy mess dripping down the side of your love stove. Uh... did I just fucking say love stove?! Kill me twice.

I think the best part of having a crush is being able to be around that person and suffering in silence. The mere fact they sit next to you from time to time and make sounds out of their mouths in the form of words you're only half listening to because you're enthralled by their cute ass faces, is enough.

We all hope our crush is crushing back but the only way to find out is to risk everything you've had up to that point... or not. Who knows? I'm no expert so why are you even listening to me, reader?! But, for some one with nothing to lose, this can be fun. Destroy everything in your wake because you never know what you'll discover in the rubble. Think about that people crushing on people. Think about that.

love,

On the simpler joys

2011-06-27T06:25:00.003-04:00

Your world is incredibly shiny. Trinkets of all sizes layering every surface. Jewel shaped objects filled with the scent you so delicately leave behind. The frantic darting movements from mirror to mirror as you play dress up. The transformation from what I thought was flawless and beautiful to an even greater version put together with the charms only a charmed life can acquire. The beautiful. The ever present. The scene stealer. The quiet stand out from the crowd. The one everyone will talk about tomorrow. On my arm for a fleeting moment. I too, now, adorned with charms only a charmed life can acquire. And for a second... perhaps even a fragment... I fell in love and was inconsolably heartbroken, simultaneously, while wrapped in a warm New York City evening. The perfect way. The only way that really makes sense of such a confusing combination of neural transmissions firing all at once. Part re-conjured memory, half irrational expectation, most fed by mind altering substances, all pointless and completely selfish. I love everything about everything but I'll most assuredly destroy it all, motherfuckers.

love,

On NOT being the first chosen

2011-06-14T16:46:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've never been someone's first choice. Ever. I've been dumped for the other guy. I've been ditched for the cooler crowd. I've been pushed aside for the person waiting behind me. Somehow I was able to learn not to let any of them phase me too much... until now.

Okay so here's my beef. When you win 2 free tickets to a concert the first person you should call is your best friend right? When you go away on a long trip you should want to call your boyfriend every once in a while instead of your mom and your best friend right? WHEN YOUR COUSIN WHO YOU GREW UP WITH LIKE A TWIN BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED AND HE DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY PICK YOU AS BEST MAN... it's okay to die a little inside, right?

I mean, this is it! If there was ever any ceremonial way for two guys to say, "Yeah Bro, this shit is for life." it's this right? What else is there? Why was I beat out?! How is it so clear in my mind that if I were getting married I'd pick no one else but him as my best man? Why was it not as easy for him?!

Now, I know this is just a stupid title attached to a moronic tradition of which I shouldn't care much about but damn it! I thought I had this first pick in the bag. I was looking forward, chest swelled with pride, convinced there could be no way I wasn't going to be the first pick this time and... nothing.

I feel like I've been passed up yet again but this time it's not some stupid chick I only half liked to begin with. This time it hurt. This time I didn't get angry. This time I didn't get down on myself. I was just... deflated.

On being too eager

2011-05-27T18:34:00.000-04:00

I'm too eager. But I also might be too hard on myself. But I also might be onto something. But I also know I get myself into trouble because my eager little, tail wagging, pup of a brain goes all screwy the minute a pretty girl shows me some affection. Couple this with the fact I think every girl I come in contact with likes me on some level and you got yourself a really screwed up mind for romance. Hey, I'm just being honest here. No pulling punches. I'm fucked up.

I hate this about myself. A drop of attention comes my way and I'm all a flutter about it. I guess it's endearing with respects to being able to wholeheartedly fall head over heels for some one without restraint. But it's also annoying because it all seems a bit naive and childish to me to do so. I can't keep my cool. I've never just 'dated' someone casually that I didn't genuinely really like. I can't fake it like that. I've always been in committed relationships. I'm a serial monogamist.

I've had a string of bad luck lately. Short relationships that are ultimately horrid and petty. Girls that give me green lights to pursue them and then disappear completely. Internet girls who throw themselves at me knowing the vast distance between us gives them the courage to act as such, then when called on it, never actually pull the trigger. Why this constant search for a chick to be next to me? I was plenty hugged as a child! I was never starved for affection! So where does this all come from?!

I think I'm looking for something too hard. Whenever anyone does that they never find what they want. They just frustrate themselves even more. I'm drowning myself in work at the moment and muffling any latent feelings for people. I want nothing to do with girls or relationships or sex or anything. It's all too confusing. I'm done for the rest of the year until I move away from NYC and can start completely anew. I'm going to stick to what is familiar and easy and real. It's the only way I can stop myself from running through the streets screaming like a crazy person.

On unrequited affection

2011-05-09T15:05:00.000-04:00

Unrequited anything. It doesn't matter how small, it always stings doesn't it? It doesn't matter that you just found out the girl you've been crushing on for months definitely doesn't see you in a romantic light; it stings. It also doesn't matter if it's that girl you exchanged numbers with last weekend that isn't texting you back; it stings. Or even worse, she IS texting you back with what seems to be string-along-y type messages. It's a bit infuriating and... it stings. [*sigh* You're kinda giving a brother hope here! Cut it out if it has no place in reality!]

I don't really know why I'm tripping. I'm hell bent on NOT finding love in NYC. I'm leaving. I don't want to get caught up in something right at the last minute. I know myself. I'll ponder and think twice. I'll convince myself I should stay and completely derail all of my plans for some fucking chick. I can't let that happen PLUS I just don't think the hustlers here in NYC are looking for what I'm looking for. I kinda wanna find my first wife already, sheesh!

I'm almost 'home' while a lot of the girlies in NYC are here to make shit happen; to hustle. And by 'home' I mean, I know what I want to do and NYC has given me all she can to help, now I have to continue on my own so in turn, I no longer need to be hustling; I'm almost 'home'.

So perhaps I'm doing it to someone without knowing. Perhaps I'm on the giving end of unrequited-ness and some chick is typing into her blog about how I don't call her anymore or whatever. It's all so silly. I kind of hate it all. The girl I like has no idea I like her and the girl I want to fuck is giving me the run around. Is there any way I can bypass chicks altogether and just have a baby? I may have already imagined what a baby by US would be like, reader. Would you be willing to let me borrow your womb for a little while while my baby cooks in there? Form an orderly line.

On getting kissed by a beautiful girl

2011-04-30T11:39:00.002-04:00

A beautiful girl kissed me at a party... and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Half of me wishes she would have just left me alone. The other half, well, let's just say I've already picked out baby names. What baffles me the most is it happened out of nowhere... at the end of the night... and 'the end of the night' of anything raises a huge red flag for me.

I was at a party I threw and this 5'9" betty in a gorgeous, blue, spring dress comes sauntering up to me with those unmistakable 'kiss me' eyes. We're friendly but fairly new acquaintances so I don't know how to read her or her intentions. We didn't get to talk much at the party because between playing host and doing a 2 hour DJ set, I just didn't have the time. So in other words, I wasn't chatting her up at all. She was at my party and that was basically it.

She comes up to me around 3AM to say she's heading home and corners me. She was standing super close, almost straddling my knee, and kept moving her face closer to mine. She put her hands on my shoulders. She kept pausing her sentences, smiling, lingering and darting her gaze between my eyes and lips so I went for it. Why wouldn't I right? We both pulled away and bashfully grinned at each other. I held her by the waist and we kissed again. It was nice. Then she left and I was seriously confused as to what had just happened. Where did it come from? Had she wanted to do that the whole night? Was it just a passing moment that aligned and had us both crushing on each other? Was I 'killing it' with 'the sexiness' and I should have expected this? (No.) Was it a game? Was it a 'thank you' for the party? Did she just want to kiss the host? I have no clue. I chalked it up to the vibe of a good night with good music and lots of libations... maybe a kiss was the absolute right thing. But was it?! Is there more to it?! Does she like me? Why am I so oblivious?!?!

15 minutes later, and completely unprompted, I get a message from her saying she had a great time and that she was home safe, X's and O's all over the place. What the hell just happened?!?! Is she into me? Was it just a momentary thing? Should I call her? Should I ignore her? Should I marry her? I'm so confused!

The next day she sent me a few messages but when I replied that we should see each other again, she said she'll be busy for a couple of weeks and we should do something after that. What is that all about?! Did she just brush me off? Does she regret it?! Is she trying to backtrack the damage she's done? Is she freaked out thinking that she shouldn't have ignited something like that? Is she being coy? Did she read my 'Good Luck Chuck' post and is now contemplating going through me to find her soul mate?! Does she want to bone me or not goddamnit?!

I'm so not a player. I don't ever go out with the goal of scamming some chick at a bar and never seeing them again. In general, that's just not my style. The moral of this story is, don't fucking kiss me all willy nilly because it's confusing and I will think about you for a week straight... if you're cute, of course.

confused and in need of answers,
billi

On helping ladies find marriage material

2011-04-19T10:13:00.003-04:00

Okay ladies, listen up. Time and time again I hear stories of you not being able to find that guy to settle down with coupled with the phrase "I always date the biggest assholes!" In reality, their probably not assholes, they just don't want to settle down with YOU. You've most likely caught them at the stage of their life when they're still playing the field pretty hard. Compound that with the fact they're probably at the peak of their pulling, they're not really going to for-go their good luck with girls for shacking up with your ticking-bio-clock ass.

So what am I saying? Lower your standards? Date trolls? Give in to the first dude that says your shit together is for life? NO! Just pick 'em when they're ripe! Let's be real, there's a slim to none chance that under 25 year old is going to say, "Fuck it, I'm over it. Let's do this." when talking about marriage or something.

So you're next question is probably "How do I know when they're ripe and ready to settle down?" Easy. Keep watch on what that cute boy you have your eye on does around babies. If he ignores them completely, just saddle up and ride because that relaysh is a temporary and physical one. If he smiles and then starts making faces at said baby, and said baby begins to smile and laugh themsleves, BOOM, there's the father of your children. He's thought about his offspring, fantasized even. He's really stoked on the idea of having a kid to pass on all his ridiculous knowledge of Star Wars to.

We want the wife. We want the kids. Just not in our 20s! Ladies, if you're in your early 20s having these thoughts of the house with the picket fence, look to the over 25 set. Those are the guys who are looking for something meaningful and perhaps, to start a family. There's obviously exceptions all over the place you can argue but this is my show, bitch. And on a more personal level I fluctuate between the two dudes I've described... but I do have a heavy slant towards making some babies with a cute, nerdy girl I can take home to Mama. Form an orderly line please. No pushing.

Happy hunting,

On being cursed like "Good Luck Chuck"

2011-04-19T10:11:00.001-04:00

Good Luck Chuck. The charming story pitting Jessica Alba against Ryan Reynolds in a quirky love affair involving a guy who is cursed with never finding love because he magically helps women find their life partner immediately after sleeping with him. This sounds great right? Bring on the popcorn right? Totally safe, curl up on the couch, let's roll right? NO! NOT WHEN YOU REALIZE THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU!

This little curse of mine was discovered after realizing that the second of my most recent exes got married the same year we broke up. Two for two people! Not that I really care about them because our relationships were doomed from the start. They were just glorified strings of dates at nice eateries in NYC with the occasional bedroom romp. I guess I'm happy for them for finally finding someone that could put up with their bullshit but whatevs. This story is about me, not them.

I think I'm cursed. And while you're thinking, if you saw the movie, that this means I'm knee deep in the poon, think again. I don't have a sleazy best friend who is advertising my predicament. (Mental note: acquire sleazy best friend that will advertise my predicament.) I guess only time will tell if I'm really cursed but for now... why don't we find out eh?

Form an orderly line ladies. No pushing.

On lofty 'getaway' goals.

2011-04-12T00:26:00.003-04:00

I can explain. We all have lofty goals of our getaways don't we?! We're all guilty of it. We bring along 2 books because we plan to catch up on our reading and the books never once get taken out of our luggage. We say we're going to live it up and go out every night but end up watching reruns of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory on MTV2 in our boxers eating Cheez-Its and drinking way too many Cherry Cokes while gently reclining on Ralph Lauren pillows. Too specif? DEAL.

I said I was going to write while I was taking a break from the magazine and guess what? I didn't. I don't think I'm going to apologize for it either. I'm chalking it up to those lofty getaway goals and wiping my hands of it. Anyway, even though I wrote very little I planned a whole lot and got a list of my past ex-girlfriends, crushes and hook ups all drawn up and ready to turn into blog fodder.

As for me, right here, right now... I think I'm in love. I can't stop thinking about a girl but she's a friend so it's weird. We talk often and get on great but there's always that, "What if I fuck this friendship up by being greedy?" No worries my little nerds, I'm happy. Crushes are healthy and this one is SUCH a cutie. Her voice soothes me. She's a soother, guys! I can literally just sit there, nod and stare at her gorgeous face while she makes human noises in my direction. Smile, from fucking ear to ear. That's a happy boy.

My point is, being so busy at the magazine I feel my writing slipping a bit and blogging is an easy way to keep practicing and I might even learn something about myself by mentally revisiting some of these relationships. Let's learn together! Yay! Oh and, let's keep this our secret place where I spill my honest guts out at your faceicles. That's not a word but... goodbye is.

b.

On jumping out of bed with an idea.

2010-12-02T03:46:00.001-05:00

I jumped out of bed! It came to in such a sudden and clear vision that I absolutely have to take this idea on. It's totally been done but guess what? It's one of those topics that are always interesting because they're so personal and revealing - not only for you readers but for me as well. Since I don't really have any prospects in the horizon, this may be a way to keep writing about my love life. I know! I know! Get to the fucking punchline! I'm delving into the past. I am going to write 1 blog post per each and every sexual partner I've been with and divulge the details of what went on and how it ended up.

Wait! I'm not going to be gross about it. This blog has always been demure about details. Expect to follow along with the same sense of mystery as always. I will make sure you 'get it' without having to get into the lascivious details. This isn't some cheap romance novel. Never will you read how 'engorged' I was or 'how she was so wet she left my fingers pruney'. That's gross, guys! You don't need to know that to understand what went on. I'll be giving you the gist while trying to catalog where I was mentally at the time, what may have gone wrong in the relaysh, and hopefully smile at some of the good/funny times.

There will be one post per person - some about random hook ups, some about giant crushes, some about girls I probably deep down still love. I haven't decided what to do about names. There will obviously be no surnames but I may just give them nicknames as to protect them. I'll add links to earlier post if any of them reference anything I've already written or a previous girl. I'm foreseeing being able to write quite a bit while I'm on vacation for a month after the 17th of December. We'll see how this goes.

I'll now be going back to my regularly scheduled sleep. ;)

love,

On working through the dry spells.

2010-11-10T11:37:00.001-05:00

When the words don't come to you. I'm experiencing a little bit of a drought at the moment. I'm not necessarily talking about words - I'm more talking about the content that usually goes into this blog. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have any real prospects and I'm not even sure I have any fun little innocent crushes either. So readers, bare with me, I'm in a rut.

I'm busy, I'm focused, I'm in a state of transition. Perhaps my eventual move from New York City is creating a mental block. I'm assuming my lack of interest stems from knowing that if I get attached to a girl here I'll very soon have to leave her side. (read: billi does Dallas late 2011 OR bill makes excuses late 2010)

I don't know. I'm in a woe is me sort of mood when it comes to love. My last few relationships burned hot but were short lived and in the grand scheme aren't going to be that memorable down the line. They weren't character building, deep or meaningful really. It was sex with hot girls for a few months with a couple lavish meals stirred in. That's it really; glorified fuck buddies with the added headache of having to deal with crazy ass chicks. This compounded with how increasingly difficult it is to meet people in this city, makes me hopeless. Then I start thinking about opening a profile online somwhere at some unnamed dating site. -Sigh- Should I just slit my wrist now and get it over with?! Kidding!

Then, there's that little kick in the self confidence ass that is turning 30 while realizing that you haven't really become and adult yet but rather a old ass child. For pete's sake, I looked into buying a working replica lightsaber last week. Me, at 30 years of age, shopping for a big ticket, uber nerdy, light up sword. A light up sword! Seriously, it makes me shake my head in shame at myself! But fuck it, I like it, I want it, I have money to burn. That seems to be the perk of being 30, expendable cash.

If any of you got turned on by the image of me wielding a lightsaber in the very near future, we should probably have a make out sesh on my couch. Just saying.

love,

P.s. At this point, beggars can't be choosy so I'm not specifying gender in that make out sesh scenario. Just kidding. ;)

On purging my demons.

2010-10-01T12:00:00.002-04:00

Purging my demons. If only for one thing, I love this blog for how many times it has allowed me to vent my frustrations quietly and not violently at the people with whom I'm frustrated. So, now I'm back at 100%; No residual negativity is left; I am a free man. And it's in these moments I refocus, re-hone my skills and dive deep into a productive cycle. Though I didn't let my last relationship take too much out of me, I still feel like I need to build some confidence back up. The only way I know how is to forge on with purpose and resume being a badass.

The confidence gained from really believing in what you're currently working on is one that comes easy but sparingly. It's not the kind of confidence gathered from having a great week at your boring office job; It comes from those risk taking endeavors that keep our lives titillating. For me, it's AVideoMagazine. And to a certain extent, it's because of the magazine that I found my last relationship. I exuded this calm and collected confidence that was alluring and that bagged me a hottie. I'm not saying I'm not oozing now it's just, sometimes people come out the other end of relationships a little bruised. I tend not to. I'm an optimist and I always think that while situations were good while they lasted, the ended for a reason. In my mind, that reason is that someone better is out there for me. I like that.

On having a bad morning.

2010-08-16T09:10:00.001-04:00

It's been a bad morning. I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of dread. One of those irrational fears that seem to envelope your otherwise clear thinking. I've just been through a break up. A break up that, although not a giant emotional affair, was very confusing to me.

I don't want to use this as a platform to paint myself as a saint but what went on in the last month was unfair. I also don't want to be a whiny little bitch so I'll just give you the facts. My last relationship fell apart because, and through no cause of mine, my ex thought I was cheating on her. The circumstances weren't the best to deny such a claim, I'll give her that; we lived far apart, I have a female roommate she's irrationally suspicious of and she isn't the most grounded person on the planet. 3 key ingredients to the shit storm that arose. The union dissolving isn't what hurt me, it was the accusations. Despite trying to be positive and fun around someone that seemed so hell bent on dwelling on negative things, she thought I was capable of something so heinous. I mean it's not unheard of. Cheating happens everyday. But to be able to still think that after some of the things I told her I was looking forward to; things I wanted for our future together; means she thinks I'm not only a liar but someone that would say just about anything to preserve their sheep's clothing. Well past a liar, she thinks I'm immoral and self serving and have no regard for anyone else's feelings.

In my book, you don't tell a girl you want to move her away from everything that makes her sad and start a life together because you don't mean it. You don't say that to someone you're just trying to string along so you can fuck them a few more times. That's heartless and cruel. And while I may be many things, and while I know I'm not the most liked person in the world, I'm NOT a fucking monster. It bothers me someone thinks so.

ARRRGH!

billi

On the word 'love' being crazy.

2010-08-07T12:17:00.001-04:00

The word love is crazy. I've fallen in love with every subject that's ever been in front on my lens. They say that's the tell tale sign of a good photographer. You treat every portrait and subject as if it's a moment you want to keep forever. You try to mold your set and players to suit the mood. You trap youth and beauty. You create stories. You create worlds and build characters and find muses. The trick is being able to do all of this while remaining transparent allowing the images to happen organically.

I think I treat love affairs exactly the same. I indulge and let myself be really open in relationships so that they'll work. I'm a bit bullish and I lead the way but I also let things adapt and change on their own. It's never the same you know? Every girl is different and you have to figure out how you best fit together. For example, #1, you're not really going to last very long with the spooner if you're a night kicker. And #2, Why don't you get yourself checked out? I mean, night kicking, what the fuck is THAT all about? ANYWAY, weirdo, I like to let things happen in relationships. I like to see what a girl is made of. I want to know what she's like when she wants to make a point even though she's completely wrong. I want a woman comfortable enough to acknowledge that sometimes bitches be trippin' yo.

I just got out of a relaysh and it was a fun while it lasted kind of situation. I totally tried to make it work but at the end of the day I ccouldn't burden myself with someone else's demons. She was wifey material, through and through. She's a pretty girl with an amazing body, was way into me, not all the way boring and incredibly affectionate; what more could you ask for? I'm not sure what turned her heart, though I do have my suspicions, but it got really bad really fast. She turned cold and mistrusting. She was always bitter and seemingly angry at me for no reason. She was always questioning me and checking up on me. It got kind of uncomfortable and stalker-ish; I could no longer deal. The union was crushed under the weight of her past relationships being very much still in her present. I'm a fun loving, happy person and I want people around me that are confident, strong, and enjoy a good time. I don't want grey skies in my life. I'm riding in a parade right now and I need to stay away from negative forecasts so it's done.

It's good to be back though, Nerds.

billi

P.s. I'm totally okay with the whole sitch. I've had ample time to process it and have come to the realization that although she's seeking help for her problems, I can't stick around for when she decides to be in a better mood. I moved on. :)

On BROmances.

2010-06-10T11:07:00.001-04:00

"Let's start a band together, man!" There comes a time in every man's life where he'll meet some dude he wants to spend the rest of his life with. No, I'm not coming out. I'm talking about being bromantically involved with some guy; a best friend.

A best friend can come in many shapes and forms but for a guy, it's usually one homie who you know will always bail you out and fist bump it up. He's the fool that's seen you at your drunkest but also the one that has high-fived you at your tallest moments. When a young man finds this bro, something strange happens within him. He wants to keep it and hold on to it. He doesn't want anything to happen to his bond yet, there's no way to secure it.

In a regular relationship, boy would meet girl, marry girl, then impregnate girl. It... it just doesn't work the same between buds. There's no "Will you marry me?" type phrase one could utter... or is there? I think the closest thing we have is, regardless of musical talent or even willingness to go through with it, "Let's start a band together, man!" I have uttered those words to almost all of my best friends throughout the years. I've yet to actually start a band or be held to the suggestion. After it's spoken, we just agree, high-five and finish cuddling, I MEAN, watching the game.

Fist bump,
billi

On dancing around the word "love".

2010-05-27T12:16:00.004-04:00

Dancing around the word love. I don't use this word lightly in romantic situations. Silly little blasts and sprays of affection like "OM-FUCKING-G I love Tampico!" (Look it up) or "I LOVE eating sandwiches all the time!!!" is fine but the real deal shit? That's meant and reserved for the very few deserving.

There's this girl I've been fffff... -clears throat- I've been talking to lately that has switched up her terminology with me. I like her. She's cool. She's cute. She has tattoos and a rocking body. I'm digging it but... She's been changing her dialogue with me from "hahaha, that's great this and you're so funny that." to "I love that about you and I love that you're so funny." It's kind starting to freak me out. The other day I said something funny/crass about doing a sex act on her and she laughed uncontrollably and said "I love the way you are and I wouldn't have it any other way." Woah, intense right? Now I know it could be nothing at all but it scares me that she might be transitioning into actually telling me she loves me. Or even worse still, trying to get me to say it by infecting my mind with the repetitive use of the word. I'm just not ready for all of that and had I the liberty to give you more details about my situation you'd further agree with me.

I like her. A lot even. I think she's swell and might be really good for me but I don't know... I don't love her. As much as I'd like to be in the clouds and be all in love, I'm just not. I'm not at all saying it would never happen, because it very well could, it's just... dancing around the word love is weird.

Thanks for listening... Again.
b.

On things not boding well.

2010-05-17T10:50:00.001-04:00

This doesn't bode well. I can't stop thinking about her. She's so soft. That voice she uses when she's being cute and nice to me. Her laugh at every single one of my lame jokes. Her tattoos. How much attention she gives me. The effect I have on her. How she turns around and calls me on my shit. How petite her frame is. How she refuses to call me "billi". How she want me to kiss her all the time. How she trembles underneath me in pleasure. How she always wants a little bit of pain... Nope, this does NOT bode well for this blog.

I promise you readers/nerds/followers/friends... I promise you I won't fall in love. I refuse to! That puppy dog, sweet as cotton candy, puff cloud crap is cute when I'm talking about the occasional 32 second crush I encounter in this magical city but NO! Not when it's real. This isn't real. It's way to early to tell anyway. My point is, someone has entered my life that can be good for me but I'm not sure I want it or have the time for it. Yet I don't want to proceed with caution. I don't want to watch out for myself. I don't want to tip toe around the issue. I want to jump in front of it while it runs into me like a speeding Mack truck only leaving pieces of what I used to be behind. I want to be destroyed. I want to be twisted and prodded and ripped at the seams...

"Love is just a dialogue. You can't survive on ice cream." - The Kills

Love,

billi

P.s. She comes back June 4th for 4 days. I can't wait.

On falling in love.

2010-05-15T02:08:00.002-04:00

Falling in love. I've done it 4 times in the last 24 hours. They only last a few minutes but each, when in the moment, is an expression of complete devotion... Until I forget them or they move from my sight. ;)

The first was the new check out girl at the super market I frequent. I approached her lane with an arm full of mango drinks from various makers. (What am I a mango drink taste tester person/dweeb?! Gee!) Anyway, We locked eyes and she bashfully smiled. I can see she was nervous as she gracefully swept my items passed that red laser scanner thing. We were standing there, frozen by the moment's powerful emotional under tones and that's when she parted her beautiful lips and said, in a soft voice, "credit or debit?". It was magical.

The next few were this morning on the train. Sometimes the subway ride to work is a total bust. Nothing but long faces too tired to creak open a smile. But then there's those other times when it's like walking into a candy store. There was the Sofia Coppola doppelganger playing backgammon on her phone. There was the petite yet super pretty, tanned, physical trainer student. She was amazing. Toned body, button nose, gorgeous lips, caramel skin tone and honey dew hazel eyes. She looked like a canary diamond sitting in soft gold.

The one who takes the cake this morning though is one of those gorgeous women that make you lose your breath for a second. A woman so unbelievably stunning that your heart races at the mere mention of her. My heart is racing just writing about her. She was so well put together it almost seems she was manufactured in a lab somewhere; the perfect embodiment of this melting pot of New York. She's a half Japanese half white, 5'10", honey skinned goddess. Long, black, bed head messy hair with a box fringe, light brown eyes, and dressed with effortless style. She was wearing a black trench coat over a khaki shirt dress in what I can only describe as a sexy reporter chic look. Black heels and stockings and slung over her shoulder was a blue, jewel toned leather bag. She not only stole my heart with style and beauty but she also walked away with this morning's "best dressed award". *Sigh* I just want to look at her for hours. ;)

Love,

billi

On being dastardly.

2010-05-12T14:58:00.003-04:00

I'm dastardly. I'm fiendish. I'm incorrigible. I'm for real. Last week I made a girl fly thousands of miles to spend a weekend with me. I promised her nothing but the filthiest of things. She's skipped town to gaze into my eyes and perhaps playfully bite my bottom lip. I encouraged her to hop on a plane so that I might do dirty things to her with no remorse. Do I like her? Umm, yeah sure. Do I want her? Yeah definitely. Do I consider her a little lamb being lead to her slaughter? That's a bit much but in a way, yes.

The harsh reality of this little planet is that we daydream about someone we cannot have while someone we don't want is crazy about us. We string along the weak and easily duped to makes us feel more powerful and confident. We take this new found courage and strike out with the one we lovingly long for only to repeat the cycle. I'm not trying to get you to settle for less. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior. I'm simply realizing that there is someone for everyone and for everyone someone they cannot reach. I at least had the decency to make her feel like she was the only girl in the world for that one weekend... and guess what, she surprised the hell out of me because I can't stop thinking about her now.

<3,

p.s. This blog being quiet is dangerous. ;)

On the hard parts.

2010-05-10T16:02:00.002-04:00

The hard parts. Sometimes it's the challenges that keep us in the moment. Sometimes those challenges can be the most heartbreaking. I find it funny that for every time you gaze at a passing gorgeous goddess of a girl and wish her to be yours, there's probably some girl looking at you undressing you in her mind but you fail to notice her. We tend to punch above our weight don't we? Sometimes we get it right but most of the times... well most of the times we're idiots. Yes, you too.

I think we should take the time to notice that nondescript girl that stares at us on our commute home. She's probably the best person for us but... we want that tall blue eyed blonde don't we? Well she's out of our league stupid! I'm not saying we should settle for less. What I'm saying is that we should explore other options besides those cookie cutter media driven archetypes of beauty. This goes for both sexes! Sure, that chiseled chest guy across from you on the subway looks great but is he smart? Is he driven? Does he inspire you? Does he make you laugh? Oh... he does? Shit. Well we're shit out of luck then. ;)

On tattoo'd girls.

2010-04-28T02:02:00.004-04:00

So I've been obsessed with tattoo'd girls lately. It's not because I have one now or anything. They just look really yummy to me. The funny thing is if they only have one on their bicep it repulses me but if they have a whole sleeve done then I start to salivate like a hungry dog staring at a turning rotisserie chicken. So I've opened a new (fake) project folder titled, Project Date a Girl with Sleeves.

I think my fascination might stem from my attraction to the badass chick of the bunch despite my unwavering love for the quiet, mousey, nerdy girl. Yet, even when I do see one of those geek, spec sporting lasses, I find myself thinking, for a split second, "She would look so amazingly hot with dorky tattoos of like knitting needles, library books and Star Wars characters." I just can't shake it. ;)

Love,
billi

P.s. I've been silent in this blog for a month. I know. I'm just processing some romantic happenings in my life to write about them. More on that next week.

On striking out.

2010-03-22T12:00:00.011-04:00

Striking out. Sometimes things don't really work out and other times they do in ways you never expected. Girls. They're so wonderful aren't they? I KNOW right? I love them.

I'm at work this Monday morning taking a little bit of a break and was mentally going through my last couple of weeks. I've gone out with some cuties and reconnected with others and have spent a couple lazy Sundays daydreaming about my "latte girl" at Didi's. It's silly, I know, but sometimes you just need to have a crush on someone that doesn't go any further than just that. It's healthy. It's a good feeling to feel all nervous and butterfly in the stomach-y. I always keep a crush around somewhere. (I just realized this post is kind of all over the place but yeah... about to jump around a bit more. Stay with me k?)

So, a couple posts back I was talking about getting a bit more attention from the opposite sex. It's still happening. I was talking to a friend of mine and they agreed that it was probably because I was focused/driven/busy and totally NOT wanting a relaysh. I just don't really have time for one and thinking that I might make a major move to another state discourages me from wanting to start something here. Anyway, my friend, a girl, agreed that's why I'm getting more looks and call backs. Hehehe. I guess there's a subconscious message or scent I'm putting out that tells girls I don't want them, making them want me more... or something. (I don't like that last sentence but you get what I mean right? I'm no "papi chulo", nor do I act that way, you get that right? Okay, cool.)

So I went out to lunch with a gorgeous little monster last week and we're meeting again this week. (I hope she never reads this but, meh, oh well if she does.) She might even come with me when I get my tattoo next Friday. Moral support eh? How 'bout some bedroom support?! Hahahaomg. So sorry. Erase that from your mind. I never typed that! If you mention it I'll deny everything! -clears throat- I also reconnected with an old friend and that seems to be going in the right direction very quickly so I'll fill you in once I'm done filling. Her. In. OMG ANOTHER ONE!!! I'm despicable! I'm incorrigible! I should be dragged out and shot! Forget I ever made that joke. It'll tarnish your image of good natured billi! Keep your children away from this blog! It's nothing but tawdry filth! Hahaha.

Okay, I have lots I'm thinking about so I'll end this here before I keep babbling. See you in a week or so my lovelies.
billi.

On loving your faults.

2010-03-13T15:35:00.010-05:00

Loving your faults. I think we all have them no? It's not just me. Trust me, there are things I don't like about you that I discuss with other people over coffees and drinks. Trust. ;) No but seriously, I think people aren't really people unless they have faults and I for one love people more when they recognize and own up to them. Here's a list of things I think are FRIGGIN' WRONG WITH ME that I wouldn't change for the world. :)

I'm a snob. I'm vindictive. I'm aggressive. I'm loud. I'm bossy. (Insert Kelis joke here. Imagine me in those swim suits, omg.) I'm defensive. I'm jealous. I retaliate if attacked and go for the throat in those situations. I'm controlling. I have a star complex. I'm an alpha and I will never change.

That felt good, like a breath of fresh air. Oddly enough, these are also the things that have gotten me more success and make me more charismatic. Go figure.

Still dreaming of The Clover Club last night and the Carrera I had there while using all of my listed powers for good... mostly,
<3, b

p.s. tell me your faults... the ones you love.

On jinxing myself.

2010-03-09T10:43:00.011-05:00

Jinx. This is me jinxing myself but trust me when I say this, it's way dangerous when it's quiet in this blog. Not having the time to sit and write about love and relationships is usually an indication I'm out there causing havoc on some poor girl's life. Yum, just the way I like it.

I'm not sure if this sun kissed spring is doing something to my demeanor but I am killing it out there. I went out with some girl on Friday and will see her again for brunch this week. Hung out with another girl on Saturday. My roommate brought her friend over yesterday, who will be hanging a lot more in the next coming weeks, and she's a fox... a fox that kept checking me out! I know right!? I don't know what's going on either. I've never experienced anything like this. Even this morning on my commute to work some blondie in the subway was hitting me with the major "mack it" eyes! I'm so confused! What am I suddenly doing right?

I'm not going to sit here and try to decipher what it may or may not be or list the reason why I think I'm getting more attention now because I've written that sentence and I sound like a dick. I'm just going to roll with this all and see what sticks. For now, I'm glad spring is here.

I'll keep you posted you pervy little nerds,
billi

P.s. Oh! I almost forgot, I saw the unicorn last night! At the corner store I ALWAYS go to. Meaning she lives closer to me than I thought. I gotta talk to her! What if she's the girl I've been dreaming about? She totally fits the description! Lost? read: Sloan 1 and Sloan 2.