This Is What Abuse And Violence Is

Child Abuse: History, Laws and the A.S.P.C.A

2012-06-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

From a historical perspective, child abuse has plagued society since the beginning of time. Two rights have been at the core of child abuse: the right to own property, and the right to own children.

In ancient Rome, fathers had absolute authority over their children. They alone decided which of their children lived or died. Children born deformed, disabled, or in any way outside of what was considered normal, children born of the 'wrong' gender, namely girls when boys were far more desirable, would be killed. Fathers had the right to maim and brutalize their children without fear of retribution. Harsh discipline was deemed necessary to mold the child into mindful, contributing human beings.

In England, children as young as 5 years old were shackled and forced to work 16-hour-days in inhumane conditions of mines and factories. Cruel overseers frequently goaded these little children with whips and prods.

Canada must also be accountable for its part in child abuse history. From 1870 to 1930, more than 8000 children were taken from the streets of Dublin and London, then shipped overseas to Canadian homes where they were beaten, demeaned and forced to labour on farms and in factories, all in the name of 'shaping' their young charges. In fact, these young people were nothing more than slaves.

In the late 1800s, a church worker named Etta Wheeler forever changed the face of parental authority in North America.

During a family visit, Mrs. Wheeler discovered 11-year-old Mary-Ellen, the step-daughter of the woman casually entertaining Mrs. Wheeler, shackled to her bed and badly beaten. Too tiny and ill-formed for her 11 years, it was quite evident Mary-Ellen was also grossly malnourished. Some of her scars were visibly healed over, giving a clear picture of long-term and sustained child abuse.

Appalled by what she saw, Mrs. Wheeler reported the severe and obvious abuse and neglect to the authorities. The authorities could find no law that had been broken: in 1873--and even today in many countries--what went on behind the closed doors of the family was considered no one's business but the family's.

But Etta Wheeler was determined: she marched herself into the American S.P.C.A. demanding they do something to help the battered Mary-Ellen.

Animals were protected, but children were not!

In order for the A.S.P.C.A. to act on behalf of Mary-Ellen, children had to be declared members of the animal kingdom, which is indeed what happened. The A.S.P.C.A. did finally intervene. Mary-Ellen was removed from her abusive home and placed in foster care, where she thrived. She eventually married and had 2 daughters of her own, one of whom she named Etta as a tribute to her rescuer. Mary-Ellen lived to the age of 92.

Mary-Ellen is considered the very first case of child abuse in North America, more because of the historical significance than the historical accuracy. The time had finally come to protect children as children, which lead to the creation of child abuse laws.

Today in Canada, the most notable laws governing child abuse are:

1. Age of MajorityM

2. Statute of Limitations

3. Duty to Report

AGE OF MAJORITY: A child becomes an adult at either age 18 or 19, depending on the province of residence. A minor child is between ages 0 to 18 or 19.

STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS: In Canada there is no statute of limitations on reporting and charging someone with child abuse. Whether the abuse occurred 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years, or 50 years ago, a report can still be made and charges can still be laid. Nowhere is this more evident than with the abuse that went on in Residential Schools with our native peoples. More than 7000 lawsuits have been filed against the Canada federal government, the Catholic church, and certain individuals alleging physical, sexual and emotional abuse during years spent in mandatory attendance and confinement in these Residential Schools.

DUTY TO REPORT: Of all the laws, statutes and conventions (namely, the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which Canada ratified December 13, 1991) governing child abuse in Canada, duty to report is by far the most important when it comes to child protection.

Duty to report dictates that known or suspected child abuse must be reported to the authorities. Failure to do so could result in charges being laid and up to a $10,000 fine. The purpose behind this law is to ensure that children are protected in a timely manner, that children aren't being abused for their entire lives.

What are the legal consequences if after reporting, an investigation proves child maltreatment was/is not present or cannot be proven? There are no legal consequences as long as the report is made in good faith and in the best interest of the child.

Save a child: Report known or suspected child abuse!

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-law.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/age-of-majority.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/statute-of-limitations.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/duty-to-report.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com is a site that details the four types of child abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, and neglect); signs, effects and statistics for each; sexual abuse victims, including victims with disabilities; sex offenders, including female, child, adolescent, and Internet offenders; laws governing child abuse; intervention; prevention; plus a forum to write your own child abuse story.

Darlene Barriere is a certified child abuse and neglect facilitator with the Canadian Red Cross. She conducts workshops with youth and adults on the subject of child abuse, bullying and harassment, violence in sports, and relationship violence. She has written a book detailing how she overcame the devastating effects of child abuse.

You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as all bylines and live hyperlinks are included.

Sexually Abused Children - There IS Hope!

2012-06-26T02:53:00.000-07:00

PART 1: Warning - This article may be inappropriate for younger readers. Please seek the permission of a parent or guardian before reading further.

Lately, I'm hearing a lot about suicide or suicide attempts. It's becoming increasingly clear to me, however, that what I'm hearing about even more often is childhood sexual abuse.

It's everywhere.

Some might say this epidemic of childhood sexual abuse is another "sign of the Apocalypse." After all, the Scriptures declare: "...in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away," (2 Timothy 3:1-5). Hmmm...lovers of selves...disobedient to parents...without natural affection...lovers of pleasure...they may even have a form of godliness. Wow. Certainly, with Satan's track record for hating and murdering children throughout history, it's a pretty good guess that he could have his hand in this current epidemic, too.

Epidemic? Perhaps. Based on reported cases, US Justice Department statistics reveal that one in every four girls and one in every six boys (2.78 million guys) will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen.

JESUS: LORD OF THE SEXUAL PREDATORS?

The media is filled with stories about childhood sexual abuse involving everyone from ministers to siblings. Just this morning, a headline screamed that an Abilene minister was sentenced for sexually abusing a foster child. Though most Christians will likely find quite appalling the stories and statistics I've recently been pouring over, one thing we cannot forget - one thing that we absolutely MUST bear in mind - is that Jesus died for sex offenders, too.

I know. I know. I cringed as I was reminded of that fact. I recall a man angrily declaring, "I hope there's an exceedingly hot place in Hell for child abusers!" Even within our prisons, child sex offenders are looked upon as being the worst of the worst. But let's remember, in most cases, child abusers were once sexually molested, precious little children, too.

The cycle must be broken.

I firmly believe that there are some God-fearing Christians reading this right now who are struggling with personally sexually abusing children and that he - or she (about 60% of male survivors report at least one of their perpetrators was/is female) - needs to know that God loves them with an everlasting love and NOTHING can separate them from that love.

Jesus is the way out. Friends, you CAN get help. Your life is a struggle and you've known all along that something just wasn't "right" in your life. Let's deal with it. NOW! There's a reason why every one of us is the way we are. We are receptacles but yours is NOT an insurmountable problem. In the same way your problem has gotten gradually worse, it really CAN get better.

In addition, I am certain that there are scores of readers who were victims of childhood sexual abuse. You need to know that there is no shame. You are not guilty. You are not "damaged goods" and God desires to empower you and use the story of your life to encourage many, many others who have believed the devil's lies. There is an army just like you - an army looking for leadership - who needs to know the way out. Jesus is the WAY, working through you. Lead them out, back onto the battlefield where you can all make a difference as wounded, yet overcoming, soldiers. The planet is covered with people like you who need help. Go on and break the cycle. Yes, YOU!

To those who are neither sex offenders (who may even disdain those who commit these acts), or victims of childhood sexual abuse (who cannot relate to the emotional suffering they are experiencing that is impacting virtually every other aspect of their lives), I ask that you read this article, gather the facts, and ask that God would break your heart for both the abusers and the abused. This issue DOES involve you.

According to Ephesians Chapter 6 in the Holy Bible, our battle is NEVER against people, but against demonic forces at work in people's lives. We must see those who hurt people as hurting people. Let us perceive them as we would a child playing on a playground, oblivious to the rabid dog approaching. Do we get angry at the child or run to their defense with prayer, encouragement and counsel?

WHAT ONE SURVIVOR SAYS

Here's what one survivor of childhood sexual abuse had to say about her journey toward victory after being abused by a minister in her church: ...abuse touched every aspect of my life - emotional, physical, relational and spiritual. I lived with a victim mentality for over thirty years until I learned to be a survivor.

I was angry with everyone, and afraid to trust anyone. Shame and guilt became my constant companions, convincing me that I somehow encouraged the abusers' advances. I built protective barriers to avoid loving and being loved.

It seemed as though my body defied me by bringing unsolicited sexual advances, thus becoming my own worst enemy. I took revenge against my body, forcing it to make restitution for its disloyalty as I smoked, drank, and over-ate my way to false comfort.

Because adults betrayed and humiliated me, I became rebellious, refusing to submit to authority. I kept intimate relationships at bay for fear someone I cared about would learn my secret.

Because some of my abusers were "upstanding" members in the church clergy, I couldn't trust a God who seemed indifferent to my suffering and who allowed adults to abuse me. I was afraid of that kind of love, so I rejected God and the counsel of the church.

I suffered silently for more than thirty years before it became imperative that I face the issues of sexual abuse in my life. I couldn't carry the burden and pain alone. I had to face the past, deal with the hurts and learn to live in the present. The "protective tools" I selected as a twelve-year old abused child - anger, bitterness and refusal to forgive - caused me more pain rather than relief, since I longed for love, acceptance and affirmation.

I didn't want to forgive, however, because forgiving my abusers seemed to reduce the significance of the crime and their need for punishment...I felt warranted in my desire for justice... I did nothing to cause the abuse - it wasn't my fault. However, I was responsible for my refusal to forgive and my willingness to hate and harm rather than to love using healthy boundaries. I was wrong for judging all people as evil because of the crimes of a few. Refusing to forgive, to accept and receive love and to constructively deal with my anger and fear was hurting me, not my abusers. I had to stop running from my longings for loving relationships.

This realization sent me into a fierce battle - a matter of life and death. I felt I was teetering on the ledge of sanity versus insanity by the tips of my fingers, my body dangling above the abyss of despair. I was afraid of change, but even more afraid of the pain I carried. But I didn't try to hide from the truth this time.

I understood the abuse was so invasive it would be a lifelong recovery process. Just the thought of letting go of the anger and the grief was hard to bear so I prayed...Eventually, God eliminated the pain from my past, but I'm yet learning to deal with the present, which is strongly influenced by my past.

DEFINING CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

Here's one appropriate definition: "Any sexual activity initiated by a peer or adult without consent is abuse, including physical, visual or verbal stimuli." As a rule of thumb, it's when a person invades the physical or psychological realm of a child or touches them sexually. This invasion results in the child suffering physical and/or psychological damage.

I talked with the father of three young daughters who, after viewing a pornographic video while his girls were sleeping, hit 'rewind' and went to bed. He was horrified the next morning as he walked in on his innocent little girls, still in their pajamas, huddled around the TV, eating Lucky Charms, watching daddy's erotic film. Twenty years later, the girls have had multitudes of unnecessary personal, sexual and relational burdens to bear, including teen pregnancy and other psychological issues. Granted, they may have wound up that way anyway, but as I relay that story to you, I cannot help but wonder if we, as a society, aren't just as guilty of the sexual abuse of our nation's children as we expose them to all sorts of off-color, even blatantly sexual examples from the immodest fashions of pop-singers to adult sit-coms and sexual content in films and printed subject matter. Children should not have to try and process the garbage we feed them by way of the media. We adults are having a hard enough time processing all the junk we're exposed to.

Many people don't realize that they have, in actuality - by definition - been sexually abused. See, the term 'sexual abuse' encompasses a wide variety of inappropriate actions from so-called "victimless" crimes like voyeurism and indecent exposure, to child molestation, incest and rape. Voyeurism and indecent exposure are often "gateway crimes" that can start an offender down the path to more serious action.

Here's a myth-buster: Contrary to popular belief, the perpetrators of sex offenses are NOT acting out of sexual desires; their primary motive is simply POWER. Child abusers may become so demonically oppressed that they give way to a stronghold and begin to seek domination - CONTROL - over others who are easy prey. When one abusive act fails to satisfy, they find themselves wanting more. The acts can often become so dangerous that nothing short of taking a human life will stop the urge. To sex offenders, victims are not seen as being real people, but as OBJECTS to be dominated.

A MAJOR SOCIAL ISSUE

How pervasive is sexual abuse of children? It's estimated that there are 60 million child rape survivors in the USA today. Children with disabilities are 4 to 10 times more vulnerable to sexual abuse than their non-disabled peers (Source: National Resource Center on Child Sexual Abuse, 1992). Long term effects of child abuse include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships. (Source: Browne & Finkelhor, 1986).

Adolescents with a history of sexual abuse are significantly more likely than their counterparts to engage in sexual behavior that puts them at risk for HIV infection, according to Dr. Larry K. Brown, Rhode Island Hospital. According to Dr. Brown, "These results suggest two things. Abused kids need adequate counseling around abuse issues. A lot of these kids keep re-experiencing the anxiety and trauma for years." The second issue, he said, is that "most therapy does not address current sexual behavior" and the anxieties that sexually abused adolescents experience. (Source: Larry K. Brown, M.D., et al, American Journal of Psychiatry 2000).

Did you know that, among both adolescent girls and boys, a history of sexual or physical abuse appears to increase the risk of eating disorders? Abused girls were more dissatisfied with their weight and more likely to diet and purge their food by vomiting or using laxatives and diuretics. These girls were also more likely to restrict their eating when they were bored or emotionally upset. This finding suggests that abused girls might experience higher levels of emotional distress, possibly linked to their abuse, and have trouble coping. Food restriction and perhaps other eating disorder behaviors may (reflect) efforts to cope with such experiences. (Source: Stephen A. Wonderlich, M.D., et al, University of North Dakota School of Medicine and Health Sciences in Fargo, Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 2000).

The secnd part on this subject is available to anyone who is interested.

Simply write team1min@our-tonw.com and type ABUSE2 in the SUBJECT BAR.

Every blessing,

Michael Tummillo

http://www.YourTown4Jesus.com

Michael

A servant of God

t.e.a.m. ministries

A Message of Discipleship & Encouragement to the Body of Christ

P.O. Box 633

Stephenville, Texas 76401

[http://www.YourTown4Jesus.com]

Michael has been broadcasting his eMail messages of Discipleship and encouragement to Christians of all denominations since 1999. These messages are literally reaching millions each week and the messages are being re-posted on other Christian sites,used as Bible studies for groups, and are being used by those in ministry as a preaching guide.

Red Flags of an Abusive Relationship - Signs You're in an Unhealthy Relationship

2012-06-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

What is an abusive relationship?

An abusive relationship is an intimate relationship (married, co-habiting, same sex partners) whereby one partner (the abuser) uses various methods to exert control and power over their partner (the victim). If you are reading this article, it is very likely that you know or suspect that you or someone close to you is in such a relationship. If you are at the point where you are just suspicious, I strongly encourage you to read on because one of the 'symptoms' of being in an abusive relationship is denial, which hugely minimises and justifies the abusive behaviour. Although it is commonly thought that most abusers are male, this is in fact not the case at all. So this article covers both female and male partner abuse.

What types of abuse are there?

Physical abuse

This takes the form of pushing, choking, hitting, kicking or any form of aggressive physical contact. This could also include threats of such violence or damage to surrounding property in order to vent (punching walls, kicking furniture, throwing things etc).

This is the type of abuse most of us think of when we think of abusive relationships. We also usually think of the battered wife. Contrary to popular belief there are nearly an equal number of 'battered' men. These men are just as vulnerable as women because they are equally likely to suffer serious physical harm, but apart from this, there are very limited resources to help such men, they fear not being taken seriously, and because of their nature, they would find it difficult, if not impossible to discuss such a problem with friends or family.

Physical abuse is quite an easy form of abuse to recognize, but there are other very insidious forms of abuse that can keep the victim tangled in the abusive web without realising they are in fact a victim. I use the word victim with trepidation here because the word victim somehow suggests weakness and helplessness. I want to be very clear here. I am using the word victim here meaning 'injured party', and nothing else. The victim will have feelings of 'weakness' and 'helplessness' but that is not the reality. The victim is, in fact, the stronger party in the abusive relationship but the dynamics of the abusive relationship have given the abused the perception that they are weak, which is what needs to be healed. Now let us look at the other more insidious forms of abuse.

Financial abuse

Financial abuse is where one party uses finance to control their partner. This could take many forms. It could be that you have to continually ask your partner for money when you need it for normal household expenses. Or your partner could spend large amounts of money putting your household in debt, or simply leaving a very small amount of money at your disposal. It could be that you have to constantly justify what you have spent to your partner even though there is more than enough to go around. Or your partner may hide their assets so you have no idea how much money they have.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is where your partner resorts to name calling or undermining you verbally. This could take many forms such as calling you stupid, or ugly. It could take the form of blaming you for all the challenges in the relationship, or any events that your partner does not like. It may be that you are regularly judged and criticised by your partner or even humiliated in front of family and friends.

Emotional Abuse

All forms of abuse are insidious in nature, but this form of abuse is particularly so. This could take a huge variety of forms so I will mention just a few examples. In all abusive relationships, it is important that the victim is isolated as much as possible. This allows the abuser much more control because the victim loses the support of loved ones and friends. So the emotional abuser will try to restrict access to friends and family. This could be done by arguing with friends and family and then poisoning the victim against their loved ones. They may try to control where you go and what you wear. They may also blame you for their behaviour, or for any other challenges in their life and in their relationship with you. They may undermine and humiliate you either at home or in company. They may also fly into a rage when challenged, or withdraw any kind of affection or support if you do something that does not please them.

Sexual Abuse

This could take many forms. Your partner may continually insist that you perform sexual acts that you are reluctant to perform. It could also be that your partner tries to persuade you to have sex when you don't want to. He/she may then fly into a rage if you won't comply or threaten to go elsewhere for sexual gratification.

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Above are just a few examples of abusive behaviour. Other indications of being in an abusive relationship are how you feel. I have listed below some examples that indicate you are in an abusive and/or toxic relationship.

Indicators that you are in an Abusive Relationship

· You feel you can't express yourself openly and honestly with your partner

· You are walking on eggshells

· You constantly censor what you say

· You lack spontaneity

· You do not feel listened to in the relationship

· You feel emotionally unsupported in the relationship

· You sometimes wonder if your partner has your best interests at heart

· You often feel drained of energy

· Life in general seems a lot more difficult

· You feel isolated

· You feel brow beaten

· Your confidence and self-esteem are low

· You try really hard but never seem to be able to genuinely please your partner

· You doubt your own decisions and feel the need to 'ask permission' from your partner before taking action

· You sometimes dislike (even hate) your partner

· You feel sorry for your partner

· You are afraid of your partner

· You long to be free

This list is by no means exhaustive but if you experience a few of these feelings on a regular basis you need to look at your relationship in more depth.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

According to Dr Phil, the health of a relationship is directly linked to the degree in which the needs of both parties are met. We all have needs and the more of those needs that are met, the happier and healthier we are. In a toxic/abusive relationship, the needs of the abuser are of paramount importance, and the needs of the victim are neglected. In fact, if you are in an abusive relationship it is likely you may now not really know what your needs are. The abusive relationship is so all encompassing for the victim that they often totally lose themselves in it, making it even more difficult to escape. A healthy relationship is a relationship that makes you feel safe and supported. Both you and your partner should feel nurtured and nourished and be totally free to express yourself fully. It should support the growth and feelings of freedom of both within the partnership, respecting and meeting the needs of both concerned.

How to Escape from a Toxic/Abusive Relationship.

The first and hardest step is often to admit you are in an abusive relationship. Toxic relationships are immersed in denial. The progression of the abusive relationship is a very insidious one as mentioned earlier. The abuser is often very charismatic and at first, will only show the abusive behaviour on occasion. By then, the victim is often hugely invested in the relationship. To protect this investment, the victim then invests more to overcome the challenges the abuser introduces to the relationship. As the insidious abuse becomes more frequent, the self-esteem and confidence of the victim diminishes making them less assertive and able to overcome the abusive cycle. And so the cycle continues. The victim is also now very isolated so their only point of reference becomes the abusers warped perception, because they no longer have their own independent perception. They are now lost in the relationship, so to admit the relationship is toxic means they have to take action. They feel powerless and helpless against their abuser so they deny that the problem is as serious as they secretly know it is because they feel trapped.

So the first step towards freeing yourself is to lose the denial and admit your relationship is toxic. As a starting point it is wise to do as much research as possible on this subject. This will help you remove your blinkers and see the relationship for what it really is. It is important to do this because when trying to leave an abusive relationship, the abuser will employ any tactic they feel will keep you invested in the relationship. It is important to see these tactics for exactly what they are so that you don't get hooked back in. This is also the time where any abuse is likely to escalate so you must devise a plan of escape that will keep you safe. There are lots of organisations out there that can help and support you through this. Make absolutely sure that you do not put yourself in danger during this time. Seek professional help and advice.

Once you can see the relationship for what it is, you can then spend time nurturing yourself to get your strength and energy up again. Be kind to yourself, and as far as possible try to do at least one thing a day that you really enjoy. Work on your damaged self-esteem. See Complimentary Therapists or a Counsellor to help you find yourself again, and turn to family and friends for support. Make sure you turn to people or organisations that specialise in abusive relationships to get the best help possible. And finally you may find comfort in the last paragraphs.

Who Makes a Good Victim?

All too often the victim of an abusive relationship feels weak and stupid. There is nothing further from the truth. In my experience, the people who become victims are actually very kind, loving and inspiring individuals. They fall prey to this type of relationship because they want to nurture the people around them. They want the very best for their family and friends. They often become embroiled in toxic relationships because of this very fact. They really want the best for their abuser, but no matter how hard they try, it never seems to quite work, so they try harder, and harder and harder! This shows great persistence, great strength and compassion. All great attributes that will assist you in your escape!

Who is the Abuser?

In my experience, abusers are very weak individuals who feel powerless. If you think about it, why would someone want to control someone else's behaviour? They do it because they feel powerless and their control gives them a sense of power. This also leads to the question, why would they want to exert control over the victim? Because they see the victim as powerful and they want to diminish that power! So the dynamic of the abusive relationship is actually the reverse of how it is seen by the victim!

Sara is a Homeopath and Psychological Coach who helps people overcome physical, emotional and behavioural challenges using natural medicine and/or a variety of therapeutic techniques.

Dealing with an Abusive Spouse - Knowing the Pattern

2012-06-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

Domestic violence, defined generally as abuse among two individuals who in a biological or social relationship, is widespread. Most of it derives from men towards the women they have a marital or live-in relationship with, so this article will deal specifically with those instances. I know there are other types of abuses--towards aged parents or relatives, towards children and siblings. Please refer to my other articles on this subject which, like a cancer, is often undiagnosed and spreads violently.

Here are the various known stages of domestic violence-you will not find this in any text book, although books and study material are helpful in recognizing signs of domestic abuse. This is developed after studying behavioral patterns of abusers and studying how such violence develops over time. I will explain each stage so you can be aware of its symptoms.

Verbal abuse-one-on-one

Verbal abuse in a group

Physical abuse (usually one-on-one, unless in a "power-setting")

Intermittent affinity syndrome

"Specific relevance" syndrome

"Discard"

As you can see, these are unusual labels, but they are almost exactly how an abuser treats his subject, be it wife or girlfriend.. So let us define and symptomize it. Now, people are different and so are the abusers, so the stages may not follow each other in the orderly fashion I have laid out; however, left unchecked an abuser's behavior will, at some time, cover most if not all of the above traits.

Before I explain the behavioral definitions, I should sound a note of warning about another quality of an abuser that is often neglected. Abusers are very cunning, and learn from mistakes of others and their own So they "smart up" so to speak. I will give one instance. In many cases, a physical abuser will hurt his subject in areas that are not for public viewing--ribs, chest, just below navel etc. He is counting on the fact that the areas attacked will not be viewed publicly and therefore no suspicions raised. Another example--an abuser will often cite the reason that got him "irritated", and the subject is usually to blame. This is putting the guilt trip on the abused. So watch out for these and other unique, cunning ways.

There is another attribute. Most abusers I have known or read about are cowards at heart. Therefore, it usually takes the wife to make one strong reaction, usually with a physical object, to perhaps stem at least the physical if not the verbal abuse.

Now for the behavioral pattern definitions.

Verbal abuse, one-on-one: this is a trait where the abuser insults, ridicules the subject, be it his wife or partner. The topic of ridicule often is something the abused holds dear to herself. It may be her faith, her habit of cleanliness, her non-alcoholic lifestyle, her frugality etc. This is an abuser's way of showing that the cherished view or value is kind of worthless in real world.

Verbal abuse, in a group: the abuser chooses to insult or ridicule his wife or partner when in a group. Strangely, the abuse increases in intensity when there are complete strangers---again his way of showing to a complete stranger the "dark" side of his wife.

Physical abuse: as the name suggests, this involves a physical attack, either using hands or another object. However, many times, unlike the name suggests, there may not actually be a physical attack, but merely a threat of one. Some traits are--coming very close suddenly, blocking the person, turning suddenly towards the person. While most of the time this physical attack is without witnesses but in instances where it has witnesses, it is usually to strengthen the abuser's confidence and his power play. So the witness may be their own child.

Intermittent Affinity syndrome: ever hear of "Stockholm syndrome"? This particular behavior trait is responsible for it. Stockholm syndrome is simply the name given to a situation where the abused either falls in love with or defends her abuser. An abuser will space his abuse and fill the intermittent space with show of love and affection. There is a deeper psychological reason for it--remember I said most abusers are cunning? If you have been abused, verbally or physically, you come to expect more of the same; when the abuser shows you love and tenderness, you tend to forget the bouts of abuse. Add to that the abuser's practice of blaming you for his turning violent or verbally abusive--and now you have a perfect scenario for the abused to actually begin loving her abuser.

Specific Relevance syndrome: one form of deep abuse is where the abuser only occasionally references the abused for one or two of her qualities. So the abuser may say, "Honey, you really need to dress better; isn't enough you are a half-way decent cook". This, if repeated, is a form of verbal abuse.

Discard: this is the ultimate insult added to the injury. In this trait, the abuser rejects any relevance of the abused person's existence or contribution, in other words, she is "worthless" as a human being. This type of behavior further empowers the abuser when he switches to the Intermittent Affinity syndrome in being regarded as more "acceptable" by his subject.

So my suggestion, if you or someone you know are the abused, study the behavioral patterns of the abuser carefully and document these. Each of these, with evidence, can be support mechanism for a way out of the abuse, whether it is legal, social or financial.

Is Your Child Safe From Sexual Abuse?

2012-06-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

If you taught your child all the rules of 'stranger danger' you have protected him/her from a 1% chance of being sexually abused. This leaves your child vulnerable to the most likely sexual child abuse offender, family members or other trusted adults. 80% of children are sexually abused by a family member, 19% are abused by someone the child knows and trusts. The other little known statistic is the frequency of sexual child abuse. David Finkelhor and Dianna Russell's research reveals 62% of girls and 31% of boys will be sexually abused by age 18. Unfortunately this statistic is considered low due to the difficulty in gathering data through surveys or reporting agencies.

For many decades we have screamed, ranted, condemned, demanded and enacted legislation to punish sex offenders to little avail. The news media and magazines have joined in the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is done. As a result of the media's incessant coverage and hype of 'strangers,' we have come to believe if we teach our children about 'stranger danger,' we have thoroughly protected our children from this horrific crime.

The first response we form when hearing of sexual abuse or incest is denial. 'I don't have to be concerned about that in my community. That would never happen in my family.' The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. Furthermore, we find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love, and/or marry is the perpetrator of the abuse. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood that they will be abused.

To understand how sexual child abuse is perpetrated by the person we least suspect one needs to have a comprehensive definition of sexual child abuse. See complete definition of Sexual Child Abuse at Genesis Consultants, Inc.

There are two types of sexual abuse approaches-overt and covert.

Overt sexual abuse is openly sexual and apparent. Although there may be an attempt to deny that it is abusive, there is no attempt to hide the fact that it is sexual in nature.

Covert sexual abuse is more insidious. Thus, identifying it is harder, because the sexual nature of the action is disguised. The perpetrator acts as if she/he is doing something non-sexual, when in fact he or she is being sexual. The betrayal then becomes two-fold. The child is not only abused, but also tricked or deceived about the act. In this dishonesty, the child is unable to identify or clarify his/her perception of the experience. The unreal or surreal sense that accompanies any sexual abuse is intensified when the child is tricked into disbelief. Thus, the child doubts his/her perceptions and feelings and believes that there is something wrong with him/herself because he/she feels terrible. To make matters worse, everyone around her/him discounts signs of the abuse, because we don't want to believe someone with a sterling public image would do such a thing. Thus the child feels crazy, as if she/he is the one with the problem.

One example of overt sexual abuse whereby the perpetrator disguises his actions and those present are in denial about what is transpiring is exemplified by the incident a client, who is a sexual abuse survivor, reported seeing. Her father (her perpetrator) kissed his granddaughter, her one-year-old niece on the pubic area after her niece finished her bath. Her sister, the child's mother, the child's grandmother (wife of the perpetrator) were present. "My sister and mother (the child's grandmother) laughed and I got sick to the stomach. Am I over reacting," she asked. Obviously, her sister and mother are unaware of the definition of sexual abuse. Except for the fact this woman was in therapy she would not have considered it sexual abuse either.

An example of covert sexual abuse by someone we least expect is exemplified by a 39 year-old woman who came to me after having a severe panic attack. During our investigation as to the root cause of the panic attack she revealed she had been 'fondled' when she was nine by a family friend. "He helped me on with my coat at a family gathering. As he adjusted my coat onto my shoulder, he fondled my breast." This type fondling is often times referred to as 'coping a feel.' No matter the label, it is sexual abuse and causes damage. Women know how icky it feels when a man 'cops a feel.' Can you imagine what it would feel like for a nine-year-old, who has no information to comprehend and emotionally resolve what she experienced?

Another example of covert sexual abuse by someone you least expect was told to me by my client, Rickie (not his real name). He remembered being held by his mother's best friend in the water at the beach when he was six, while his parents sat on the beach. Fully protected from view by the water, she fondled his penis. This was not the end of the sexual abuse. When Rickie was 15 years old, she enticed him to have sex with her at her home while he waited for her son, his friend to come home. The second incident of her sexual abuse of Rickie was overt.

Something can be done to protect your child. If I'd Known...Sexual Abuse In or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, the one book every parent/caretaker needs to keep children safe. Seven compelling parent approved and child tested techniques to thwart would-be sex offenders.

Roman Paur, Executive Director. Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute (ISTI) endorsed the book with this statement:

"The sexual abuse of children can happen with most any youngster by most any adult but some children are especially vulnerable to being abused and some adults are particularly driven to violating them. Predatory adults threaten families and communities as safe havens and alert us to the need to be informed, vigilant, and clear about shielding children from harm. This timely guidebook is an important step in that direction by alerting parents, leaders, and caregivers to common dangers and calculated grooming that can threaten the well being of children in the home and community. This book is eminently practical and filled with a lot of common sense checks and reminders, the kind of guidance detail that can come from the author's experience as a therapist. With specific examples of how abuse occurs, the author expands her solid overview of the issues in the first half of the book. The last half is devoted to what to do concerns and checklists. This is a guide to prevention that includes also a nice bibliography for additional in-depth help."

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in verbal, sexual and physical abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.gen-assist.com

If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, has been endorsed by: Teresa C. Chambers, Former Chief of Police, Durham, N.C. and Paul Ragonese, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer, former cablevision host, Safe Streets, currently CBS Crime News consultant, and Virginia Newman Littell, NJ State Senate child advocate and Board member.

Anger Management, a Neglected Topic in Substance Abuse Intervention

2012-06-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

A long standing issue

Problems managing anger has always been a concern for patients suffering from addictive disorders. Pioneering research by my mentor, Dr. Sidney Cohen at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute demonstrated the relationship between, anger, violence and the use of alcohol and or cocaine. One of the most popular articles written by Dr. Cohen, was entitled, "Alcohol, the most dangerous drug known to man". In this and other publications, Dr. Cohen systematically demonstrated the causal relationship between cocaine and alcohol abuse and aggression. Much of this research was done in the 70s and 80s.

Anger has always been a factor in substance abuse intervention. Unfortunately, until recently, it has been overlooked or treated as an after thought by substance abuse programs nationwide. Substance use and abuse often coexist with anger, aggressive behavior and person-directed violence. Data from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration's National Household Survey on Drug Abuse indicated that 40 % of frequent cocaine users reported engaging in some form of violence or aggressive behavior. Anger and aggression often can have a causal role in the initiation of drug and alcohol use and can also be a consequence associated with substance abuse. Persons who experience traumatic events, for example, often experience anger and act violently, as well as abuse drugs or alcohol. This is currently occurring with recently returned combat veterans from Iraq.

ANGER AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Substance abuse and dependence has grown beyond even the bleakest predictions of the past. In the United States alone, there are an estimated 23 million people who are struggling (on a daily basis) with some form of substance abuse or dependence. The toll it is having on our society is dramatically increased when we factor in the number of families who suffer the consequences of living with a person with an addiction, such as:

o Job loss

o Incarceration

o Loss of child Custody

o DUI's

o Domestic Violence/Aggression

o Marital problems/divorce

o Accidents/injuries

o Financial problems

o Depression/anxiety/chronic anger

Unfortunately, most substance abusers may not even be aware that they have an underlying anger problem and do not "connect" their anger problem to their alcoholism, drug addiction and substance abuse. Therefore, they do not seek (or get) help for their anger problem. But more often than not, their anger is the underlying source of their disorder.

Anger precedes the use of cocaine and alcohol for many alcohol and cocaine dependent individuals. Anger is an emotional and mental form of "suffering" that occurs whenever our desires and expectations of life, others or self are thwarted or unfulfilled. Addictive behavior and substance abuse is an addict's way of relieving themselves of the agony of their anger by "numbing" themselves with drugs, alcohol and so on. This is not "managing their anger", but self medication.

When we do not know how to manage our anger appropriately, we try to keep the anger inside ourselves. Over time, it festers and often gives rise to even more painful emotions, such as depression and anxiety. Thus, the individual has now created an additional problem for themselves besides their substance abuse, and must be treated with an additional disorder. Several clinical studies have demonstrated that anger management intervention for individuals with substance abuse problems is very effective in reducing or altogether eliminating a relapse.

Medical research has found that alcohol, cocaine and methamphetamine dependence are medical diseases associated with biochemical changes in the brain. Traditional treatment approaches for drug and alcohol dependency focus mainly on group therapy and cognitive behavior modification, which very often does not deal with either the anger or the "physiological" components underlying the addictive behavior.

Anger precedes the use of cocaine for many cocaine-dependent individuals; thus, cocaine-dependent individuals who experience frequent and intense episodes of anger may be more likely to relapse to cocaine use than individuals who can control their anger effectively. Several clinical trials have demonstrated that cognitive-behavioral interventions for the treatment of mood and anxiety disorders can be used to help individuals with anger control problems reduce the frequency and intensity with which they experience anger.

Although studies have indirectly examined anger management group treatments in populations with a high prevalence of substance abuse, few studies have directly examined the efficacy of an anger management treatment for cocaine-dependent individuals. A number of studies demonstrating the effectiveness of an anger management treatment in a sample of participants who had a primary diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder have been conducted by the Department of Veterans Affairs. Although many participants in these studies had a history of drug or alcohol dependence, the sample was not selected based on inclusion criteria for a substance dependence disorder, such as cocaine dependence. Considering the possible mediating role of anger for substance abuse, a study examining the efficacy of anger management treatment in a sample of cocaine-dependent patients would be informative.

Anger management as an after thought

In spite of the information available to all professional substance abuse treatment providers, anger management has not received the attention which is deserved and needed for successful substance abuse treatment. Many if not most substance abuse programs claim to offer anger management as one of the topics in its treatment yet few substance abuse counseling programs include anger certification for these counselors.

Typically, new substance abuse counselors are simply told that they will need to teach a certain numbers of hours or sessions on anger management and then left to find there own anger management information and teaching material. These counselors tend to piece together whatever they can find and present it as anger management.

Despite the connection of anger and violence to substance abuse, few substance abuse providers have attempted to either connect the two or provide intervention for both. In the Los Angeles area, a number of primarily upscale residential rehab programs for drug and alcohol treatment have contracted with Certified Anger Management Providers to offer anger management either in groups on an individual basis for inpatient substance abuse clients. Malibu based Promises (which caters to the stars) has contracted with Certified Providers to offer anger management on an individual coaching bases.

It may also be of interest to note that SAMSHA has published an excellent client workbook along with teacher's manual entitled, Anger Management for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Clients: A Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Manual [and] Participant Workbook.

This publication free and any program can order as many copies as needed without cost. There is simply no excuse for shortchanging substance abuse clients by not providing real anger management classes.

Limited anger management research

What has been offered as anger management in substance abuse programs has lacked integrity. The Canadian Bureau of Prisons has conducted a 15 year longitudinal study on the effectiveness of anger management classes for incarcerated defendants whose original crime included substance abuse, aggression and violence. One of first findings was that in order to be useful, the anger management model used must have integrity. Integrity is defined as using a client workbook containing all of the material needed for an anger management class, consistency among trainers in terms of how the material is taught and a pre and post test to document change made by clients who complete the class.

It is not possible to determine the effective of anger management which is fragmented and not based on any particular structure of theoretical base.

Anger management training is rarely integrated into substance abuse treatment

At the present time, anger management is rarely integrated into any model of substance abuse intervention. Rather, it is simply filler tacked on to a standard twelve step program,

Trends in anger management and substance abuse treatment.

Several years ago, the California state legislature established statewide guidelines for all state and locally supported substance abuse programs. This legislation is included in what is commonly referred to as proposition 36. As a result of this legislation, all substance abuse counselors must have documented training in anger management facilitator certification. This training requires 40 hours of core training plus 16 hours of continuing anger management education of a yearly basis.

What is Anger Management?

Anger management is rapidly becoming the most requested intervention in human services. It may be worthwhile to define what anger management is and is not. According to the American Psychiatric Association, anger is a normal human emotion. It is not a pathological condition therefore; it is not listed as a defined illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Nervous and Mental Disorders. Rather, anger is considered a lifestyle issue. This means that psychotherapy or psychotropic medication is not an appropriate intervention for teaching skills for managing anger.

The American Association of Anger Management Providers defines anger management as a skill enhancement course which teaches skills in recognizing and managing anger, stress, assertive communication and emotional intelligence. Anger is seen a normal human emotion which is a problem when it occurs too frequently, lasts too long, is too intense, is harmful to self or others or leads to person or property directed aggression.

The Anderson & Anderson anger management curriculum is currently the most widely used model of anger management in the world. This model includes an assessment at intake which is designed to determine the client's level of functioning in the following four areas, anger, stress, communication and emotional intelligence. The intervention/classes which are provided teach skills in these four areas. Post test are administered after course completion to determine the success or lack thereof of the program.

In Summary

All anger management programs should conduct an assessment at intake for substance abuse and psychopathology and all substance abuse programs should assess all participants for the current level of functioning in recognizing anger, stress, assertive communication and emotional intelligence.

All substance abuse programs should have their intervention staff certified in anger management facilitation.

Guidelines should be established to determine the number of hours/sessions that each client will receive in teaching skill enhancement in anger management, stress management, communication and emotional intelligence.

Anderson & Anderson
http://www.andersonservices.com
The Directory of Anger Management Providers
http://www.anger-management-resources.org
American Association of Anger Management Providers
http://www.aaamp.org

Sexual Abuse - Sibling

2012-06-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

What is sibling sexual abuse? Like all forms of sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse is an abuse of power. If a more powerful or stronger sibling, bribes or threatens a weaker sibling to engage in sexual activity--albeit the aggressor might be younger--it is sexual abuse. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the victim; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the victim's expense.

"Incest is both sexual abuse and an abuse of power. It is violence that does not require force. Another is using the victim, treating them in a way that they do not want or in a way that is not appropriate by a person with whom a different relationship is required. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the child; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the child's expense. If the experience has sexual meaning for another person, in lieu of a nurturing purpose for the benefit of the child, it is abuse. If it is unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship, it is abuse. Incest [sexual abuse] can occur through words, sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that are sexual but do not involve her. If she is forced to see what she does not want to see, for instance, by an exhibitionist, it is abuse. If a child is forced into an experience that is sexual in content or overtone that is abuse. As long as the child is induced into sexual activity with someone who is in a position of greater power, whether that power is derived through the perpetrator's age, size, status, or relationship, the act is abusive. A child who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse, is a child who has been violated." (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors).

The aggressor usually reinforces the sibling trust of the targeted victim, and then violates that trust in order to commit the abuse. The aggressor may use force, the threat of force, bribery, the offer of special attention, or a gift to make the victim keep the abuse secret.

In sibling sexual abuse, the victim and the abuser are siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings or siblings by adoption. As in other forms of sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse does not involve sexual touching. The aggressor may force two or more children to engage in sexual activity with one another. The aggressor may force the siblings to watch sexual activity or pornographic videos. The aggressor may also abuse them repeatedly watching them dress, shower or using the toilet.

As in any sexual abuse by a family member sibling sexual abuse is harmful for the following reasons:

o The victim feels pressured and trapped by the abuser. This pressure includes bribes, sexual stimulation or physical force. Self-esteem is impacted immeasurably.

o The victim feels betrayed, because someone they expect to love and care for them is harming them in the worst way possible. In addition, because children inherently believe a parent will protect them from all harm, and when they are harmed by a sibling, the victim feels betrayed twice--once by his/her sibling and by their parents. They might even believe that the parents think the abuse is acceptable--further adding to the emotional harm.

o The victim may feel responsible, bad or dirty--thus engendering feelings of guilt, shame and humiliation about their body, sexuality and personhood.

o Sibling abuse causes more damage than abuse by a stranger. This is because children are dependent for years on their families and on parents to keep them safe. Studies of convicted teenage sexual abuse offenders show that the sibling offenders commit more serious abuse over a longer period of time than other teenage offenders. This is so because the victims--brothers or sisters--are readily available, they are available for longer periods and the aggressors are protected by the enforced secrecy.

If you know or suspect that one of your children is being sexually abused by a sibling, you need to make an intervention by contact a professional who specializes in sexual abuse prevention and recovery. If you allow the abuse and secrecy to continue, because you think, 'all children experiment sexually,' or 'it is just a phase, they will grow out of it,' you are no less responsible for the outcome of the sibling sexual abuse than the sibling aggressor. Thus, the damage is on-going rather than short lived. Furthermore, by making an intervention, you are clearly and emphatically stating the behavior is unacceptable and both children are given an opportunity to heal.

The majority of sibling sexual abuse is initiated because of a trauma the aggressor has experienced--and it is generally their own sexual abuse--albeit you may be unaware.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

What You Should Know About Domestic Abuse

2012-06-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

What is domestic abuse?

There are many forms of domestic abuse, ranging from screaming threats to pushing and shoving. Contrary to what many women think, abuse isn't just physical battering.

Domestic abuse may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family.

Nearly one in three adult women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood, according to the American Psychological Association in a 1996 report.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate against race, age and socioeconomic background. No specific type of woman is more prone to being battered by her partner, nor is one type of woman completely safe from abuse.

What Victims of Domestic Violence Need to Know?

The abuse is not your fault
You don't deserve to be abused
You can't change someone who is abusive
Staying in the relationship won't stop the abuse
With time the abuse always gets worse
If you stay, make a plan to keep yourself safe when the abuse happens again
You CAN Fight Back!

Signs of Domestic Abuse

Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of these categories:

Physical battering -- The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder.

Sexual abuse -- Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by or culminates in, sexual violence.

Psychological battering -- The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, and depriving her of food, money, clothes, and destroying her personal property.
Be Prepared!

If you have been assaulted, you can report it to the police.

The Criminal Code says that assault is a criminal offence. The Code describes three types of assault and sets maximum penalties (called sentences) for each type.

The three types of assault are:

Simple assault (most common assault). Examples are slapping, pushing or shoving, punching or threatening that he or she will harm you or your children.

Assault with a weapon or causing bodily harm. Examples are an assault where you are beaten with a baseball bat or an assault where you get a black eye or broken bones.

Aggravated assault is an assault where your life is endangered or you are wounded, maimed or disfigured. Examples are where the offender threatens to kill you or where your injuries from the assault leave you with a limp or scars.

Warning signs of an Abusive Relationship

Are you frightened of your partner's temper?
Are you often compliant because you are afraid to hurt your partner's feelings or are afraid of your partner's anger?
Do you have the urge to "rescue" your partner when your partner is in trouble?
Do you find yourself apologizing to others for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly?
Have you been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you by your partner when he was jealous or angry?
Do you make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react?
Do you drink or use drugs to dull the pain or join your partner so he won't get mad?
Do you consent easily to your partner to avoid angering him?
What are some of the warning signs?
He is extremely jealous.
Wants to know where you are at all times.
Gets upset if you spend time with friends or family.
Holds rigid expectations of male/female or adult/child role.
He expects you to meet his emotional needs.
Blames others and you for his problems.
Threatens you with violence.

There may be many other warning signs; you can phone the nearest Woman's Shelter for further information.

Do something before it's too late!

In your contact with any family member, the following observations should be considered clues to the possibility of wife assault.

A history of wife assault or child abuse in his family of origin.

A suspicion of child abuse or sexual abuse in his role as a father.

Abuse of drugs or alcohol.

A history of suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts.

Such characteristics as:

Impulsiveness
Temper tantrums
Jealousy
Possessiveness
Excessive dependence on his wife
Immaturity

What do we know about abusers?

They try to isolate victims from family and friends
They minimize and deny their behavior
They veil power and control over others
They blame victims
They distrust others
They often have been victims or witnessed abuse
They usually have low self-esteem
They are not in touch with their own feelings

Preparing to Leave

Keep evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place that is accessible to you
Know where you can go to get help; tell someone you trust what is happening to you
If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you
Make sure that they record your visit
Make sure that your children know that it is their job to stay safe, not protect you
Keep a journal of all violent incidences
Start an individual savings account and have statements sent to a trusted friend
Acquire job skills
If you must sneak away, leave extra money, extra car keys, important papers, and extra set of clothes for yourself and children with a trusted friend (avoid family members and mutual friends who may be influenced by the abuser). Include a list of important numbers (insurance numbers, driver's license, medication, checkbook, credit card numbers, etc.)
Practice effective Self Defense Tricks... just in case

Getting Out

What to do when leaving an abusive relationship?

If you are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, there are some things you should do that may assist you in the process of leaving:

Make a safety plan

Write down Contact Places in the community for support
Assess your safety and that of your children
Contact a shelter for a safe place to stay
Seek interim custody
Seek a support system from family, friends and advocates
Be prepared, it helps you in a case of emergency

Make an Escape Plan

Make sure you have important documents
Save money in secret when you can
Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
Plan out all possible escape routes - doors, first floor windows, elevators, stairwells and rehearse escape routes with your children
Arrange a safe place to go such as a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support - or a motel, hotel, or shelter
Memorize the telephone number of a domestic violence shelter or call 911
Secure transportation
Work out a signal system with a friend or other family members so that they know you are in danger
Go when he is gone
Don't tell him you are leaving
Create an excuse to slip away
Avoid arguments in areas with potential weapons such as the kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without escape routes
When leaving your home, be aware. Your spouse may try to hurt you to stop you escaping
Start to learn self defense techniques immediately!

What can you do if you have been abused?

You can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse. You can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor. You can also talk to a support group in your community. Women's centers and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.

You can get medical help - if you have been hurt you can go to your doctor or to the Emergency Department at a hospital. If your injuries are visible you can have pictures taken. They can be used in court should you decide to lay assault charges. There are special medical and police procedures for sexual assault cases. For more information, check the Sexual Assault Department and the law in your country.

You can apply for a peace bond (in the countries where this system exist)

A peace bond or 'recognizance' is a paper signed by a person (such as a spouse) promising to keep the peace and be of good behavior. The peace bond may have other conditions such as requiring the person to stay away from your home or place of work. A peace bond may last for up to one year. The judge decides how long it will last.

You have to go to court to get a peace bond. You do not have to be assaulted to apply nor do you have to lay assault charges. You do have to convince the judge that you have a reasonable fear of the offender. The offender will also be in court.

Finding a Place To Go

When an assault occurs you should attempt to protect yourself. One way you might do this is to leave the home. If you don't have a friend or family member with whom you can safely stay, and cannot afford a motel, there are shelters in your country which will accommodate you in an emergency. The RCMP or the police, if requested, will escort you out of the family home to any safe place you specify.

If there are no shelters for you in the vicinity, the Salvation Army may be able to provide temporary assistance. It might also be worthwhile to check with the local Crisis Line or Help Line which may be able to provide a list of the organizations that can help during a crisis.

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224

TDD 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need. Callers can be connected directly to help in their communities, including emergency services and shelters as well as receive information and referrals, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.

This is a vital lifeline to anyone - man, woman or child - who is a survivor of domestic violence, or who suspects that someone they know may be the victim of abuse. Calls to the hotline are confidential, and callers may remain anonymous if they wish.

On Olga Timbol's web site First Home Security you can find self defense tips and tehniques for women, as well as products to help protect yourself and your loved ones.

Hate the Abuser, Not the Abused!

2012-06-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Abuse is the most horrible attempt at power that I have ever researched! This is why:

The shame that is felt by an abused person is so deep that it takes years to unfold, then years to put in a safe place. Some never get that far. They turn to drugs, alcohol, and even eating disorders that tear their physical being apart. Some even repeat the same actions that were done to them with, their spouses or children.

Definition of Shame: "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." In the issue of abuse, shame is what the victim is left to deal with and live with forever.

An abused person can turn their guilt towards their abuser to free themselves of that horrible feeling, but they are still scarred by shame. They continue to suffer in a torture that is far worse than the actual abuse they have experienced. To feel powerless and unable to stop the abuse, is just the beginning of the after effects of the horrible shock that their mind has had to deal with. To know and to fear that it will occur again and again, and that they are just one step away from crying out for help, but cannot, is another part of the shame that haunts them.

Most abuse victims do not understand that it is not their physical self that has undergone the abuse. The mental abuse is what hurts so much. It's just a means to an end in the abusers mind. It's a green light, so to speak, for them to enter. The abuser will use that to feel the power that is being sought through abuse. And also to take away your power, thus leaving you powerless. By making the abused person feel powerless, their emotional well-being is tortured. That is where the abused needs to start to repair themselves, in their mind. They need to focus on their emotional wounds first and foremost. Only then can the healing process begin.

I really want to stress here that the abuser made sure that you are in a NO WIN situation and that all the aces are in their hand. There is not one thing that you could have said, thought, or done in preparation for this horrible attack. You are NOT at fault. The entire demeaning, emotional attack was way out of your hands to stop. The abuser used a very detailed plan in regards to what steps would get you at exactly the right time and with what method.

Many victims will seek out professional help. Some victims wait until they have already tried many, not so healthy, ways to escape the reality of the abuse period. Some never even get that far. They are the ones that give in to the pain and elect to erase themselves. (suicide).

A very important thing that all abused victims should HEAR me say is that your abuser has put a lot of energy and thought into their plan. Their plan was to delete you of all power and to make them "The All-Powerful". You had NO chance, even before the beginning of your abuse. Have you ever said that you would rather endure physical pain than to have the mental agony eat you apart? That is what an abused victim feels with every breathe they take.

The abuser will use any tricks to corner its prey, such as coercion, weapons, surprise attacks, and an age difference whether it be younger or much older victims. Abusers have even been reported using their power in their job title, or position as landlords. Male abusers may hold financial security over their victims head as a threat in order to keep them from leaving and seeking help outside the home (prison). Men, in general, are more capable of using violence than women. This fact alone places women as an easier target for abuse.

Victims of abuse go through many different emotions through out their existence, after the abuse, and even during. They tend to:

-Think only negative

-Think with two minds

-Be quick to assume outcomes

-They are constantly comparing themselves to others and usually putting themselves down

-They feel sorrowful for everyone around them, continue to nurture a

resentment emotion, feel the need to always be holding someone

responsible for their pain or vice-verse

-They allow low self-esteem to control them, thinking that in some way if they keep themselves down, they will be forgiven for their guilt. The same guilt that comes from the shame of their nightmare.

Shame is a very controlling emotion. It's an emotion that your mind can rid itself of. You must stop judging yourself. Hate the abuser, hate the actions, and hate the ways that you feel from the horrible experiences that you have survived. Hate that you did not kill that bad person, hate that someone else did not hear your cries for help, hate that you were the chosen victim, hate that you did not wake up and it was all a very bad dream. Hate all that and hate it hard.

Now, separate that hate from the hate that you feel for yourself. Scream at the hate that you feel inside. It is that hate that is keeping you weak. With that weakness, shame, guilt, self doubt, and self-hate are being allowed to toy with your mind which is totally abusing your life now. Can you see what has happened now? You, in fact have become the abuser to you. The one thing that you hate so much is in you now. As quickly as you can say "STOP", do it. Stop abusing you. Stop allowing the past abuse to rule your life. Laugh at it, kick at it, spit at it, call it the worst names you can think of. PLEASE, PLEASE , JUST STOP HURTING YOU. Love you, hug you, know that you are SPECIAL, and that you are not the abuser. You were the victim, the innocent person in a NO WIN situation. You can do it. Have faith in you. It's time to change the chapter in your book and write a much sunnier, happier chapter. You are the author of your book of life. You can change the page. It is in your hands to do.

Build your self-esteem so that you can stomp out your fears, anxieties, and anger. I will look forward to reading your new book. Please feel free to share with me your story, so I can appreciate your book of life. There are also others that may gain strength through your book. Abuse is not acceptable, nor is it human. Please stop the abuse!!!

*******************************************

"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of

bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you

love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that approximately

3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year in the

United States."

-Dianne Feinstein

********************************************

"Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

-Herbert Ward

Dorothy Lafrinere

Owner/Operater

Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com

Weblog- [http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy]

Forum- http://womenselfesteem.proboards29.com

email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com

When the Abused Becomes the Abuser

2012-06-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

It doesn't always happen. But it happens to a large enough degree that it can be referred to as commonplace. Many young people who abuse others sexually, have been sexually abused themselves. And a significant percentage of adults who have been sexually abused as children have developed coping and/or relational styles that are abusive - if not to others, then certainly to themselves. It doesn't sound shocking to say that someone who was abused as a child may become self destructive as an adult. But how far off is that from abusing others? The point here is that children who were abused are taught to abuse as a way of communicating and connecting. And many times their primary role models, their parents or other family members, are the ones who taught them this.

Why would anyone repeat behavior that has hurt him or her so profoundly? Almost no one consciously sets out to become abusive. The behavior is handed down over the generations because it is learned behavior. The behavior feels familiar and it feels like home. It is instinctive; furthermore, the abuser may not know any other way to behave. Adults who have been abused as children by their loved ones mix up love and abuse. It is both a natural (for them) way to communicate and a release of anxiety - the anxiety surrounding the original abuse. It is a way to turn the tables and finally have a sense of power or control in their intimate relationships. Many times, they are able to cover up their behavior from the outside world and only exhibit abusive tendencies with those closest to them. That's either the way it was with their original abuser or it is a way to carry on the secret that they have lived with their entire life.

Abused children grow up with low self-esteem. Many feel inadequate. They wonder if they deserved to be abused. Oftentimes, their abuser convinced them that they deserved the abuse at the same time that they told them they loved them. Deep down abuse survivors don't believe that they deserve a healthy, loving relationship - if they even know what that looks like.

At the same time, they carry a lot of anger about what happened to them. The world is not a fair place. Their defense systems, while initially traumatized, have now become over-reactive. They are in a constant state of "fight - or - flight". Their automatic defense systems are driving them to attack before getting attacked. By becoming the abuser, they can now play the powerful role in this relationship. And maybe they even believe that by doing so they can make it right this time and thereby heal themselves.

Finally, if love is tied into abuse by early experience, then the abuse survivor might even feel more alive when they are abusing themselves or others. They may be sexually aroused by abusive behavior - especially if their young bodies responded sexually to their abusers. Physically abusive behavior and sexually abusive behavior become intertwined.

Childhood emotional abuse is also carried into adult abusive behavior. As is usually the case with this type of abuse, it is more complex, more difficult to identify and more varied in the resultant behavior. And there are less studies and statistics. But there are some common signs of an emotional abuser:

1. Verbally abusive and demeaning behavior

2. Constantly criticizing and demanding

3. Emotionally withholding and undermining

4. Using negative labels and pathologizing other peoples' behavior.

5. Showing little or no compassion and minimizing others feelings while describing themselves as the victims.

6. Discounting the reality of the other or "Gaslighting" - making others feel as if they are crazy.

Childhood emotional abuse victims become adult abusers for the same reasons that those who were sexually or physically abused become adult abusers. But they have even lower self-esteem (see my article on Emotional Abuse) and may try and cover it up by verbally attacking others before they themselves are exposed as "worthless individuals".

So how do we help someone break the cycle of abuse?

Abusers have to first become aware of what they are doing. And then they have to want to change. As anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows, this is an extremely difficult task. Abusers are well defended in their behavior. They honestly believe that they are the victims not the villains - and at one point, as children, they were, so they are partially correct. Their sense of reality has been skewed all of their life and changing would involve psychologically reorganizing a life-long pattern of socialization. Never engage abusers, this is what they want and need. All that one can do is calmly point out the hurtful behavior that he/she is experiencing and silently walk away. If the truth is recognizable enough, the abuser may then try and understand their role in what went wrong.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT

2011

West Los Angeles based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, severe depression and relationship issues. http://www.roniweisbergross.com

The Cost of Child Abuse

2012-06-19T03:01:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Department of Health and Human services estimated 906,000 children were victims of child abuse or neglect in 2003. While physical injuries may or may not be immediately visible, abuse and neglect can have consequences for children, families, and society that last lifetimes, if not generations.

The after affects of child abuse and neglect is discussed in terms of physical, psychological, behavioral, mental, behavioral, spiritual and societal consequences. In reality, however, it is impossible to separate them completely. Physical consequences (such as damage to a child's growing brain) can have psychological implications (cognitive delays or emotional difficulties). Psychological problems often manifest as high-risk behaviors. Depression and anxiety compel a person more likely to smoke, abuse alcohol, use illegal or prescription drugs and/or eating disorders. High-risk behaviors, can lead to long-term physical health problems such as sexually transmitted diseases, cancer-vaginal, ovarian or breast in women; prostate, testicular in men, MS, chronic fatigue, lupus, etc.

Physical or sexual abuse can weaken survivors' immune systems according to Dr. Frank Putnam of the National Institute of Mental Health and Dr. Martin Teicher of Harvard Medical School. Putnam conducted studies on 170 girls, age 6-15-half had been abused, half had not-for seven years. The abused girls displayed symptoms such as:

o Abnormal high stress hormones, which can kill neurons in brain areas crucial for thinking and memory

o High levels of an antibody that weaken the immune system.

Teicher completed a series of brain studies on 402 children and adults, many of whom had been sexually or physically abuse. His findings revealed that sexual or physical abuse creates:

o Arrested growth of the left hemisphere of the brain which can hamper development of language and logic

o Growth of the right hemisphere of the brain (the site for emotion) at an abnormally early age

Physical Health after effects:

The immediate physical effects of abuse or neglect can be relatively minor (bruises or cuts) or severe (broken bones, hemorrhage, or even death). In some cases the physical effects are temporary; however, the pain and suffering they cause a child needs to be addressed. Meanwhile, the long-term impact of child abuse and neglect on physical health is just beginning to be explored.

Below are some outcomes researchers have identified:

o Shaken baby syndrome. The immediate effects of shaking a baby (child abuse in infants) can include vomiting, concussion, respiratory distress, seizures, and death. Long-term consequences can include blindness, learning disabilities, mental retardation, cerebral palsy, or paralysis (Conway, 1998).

o Impaired brain development. Child abuse and neglect have been shown, in some cases, to cause important regions of the brain to fail to form properly, resulting in impaired physical, mental, and emotional development (Perry, 2002; Shore, 1997). In other cases, the stress of chronic abuse causes a "hyperarousal" response by certain areas of the brain, which may result in hyperactivity, sleep disturbances, and anxiety, as well as increased vulnerability to post-traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, conduct disorder, and learning and memory difficulties (Perry, 2001; Dallam, 2001).

o Poor physical health. A study of 700 children who had been in foster care for 1 year found more than one-quarter of the children had some kind of recurring physical or mental health problem (National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-Being). A study of 9,500 HMO participants showed a relationship between various forms of household dysfunction (including childhood abuse) and long-term health problems such as sexually transmitted diseases, heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, skeletal fractures, and liver disease (Hillis, Anda, Felitti, Nordenberg, & Marchbanks, 2000; Felitti, Anda, Nordenberg, Williamson, Spitz, Edwards, Koss, & Marks, 1998).

Psychological after effects:

The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect-isolation, fear, and an inability to trust-can translate into lifelong consequences including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties. Researchers have identified links between child abuse and neglect and the following:

o Poor mental and emotional health. In one long-term study, 80 percent of young adults who had been abused met the diagnostic criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder at age 21. These young adults exhibited many problems, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicide attempts (Silverman, Reinherz, & Giaconia, 1996). Other psychological and emotional conditions associated with abuse and neglect include: panic disorder, dissociative disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and reactive attachment disorder (Teicher, 2000).

o Cognitive difficulties. The National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-Being recently found children placed in out-of-home care due to abuse or neglect tended to score lower than the general population on measures of cognitive capacity, language development, and academic achievement (2003).

o Social difficulties. Children who are abused and neglected by caretakers often do not form secure attachments to them. These early attachment difficulties can lead to later difficulties in relationships with other adults as well as with peers (Morrison, Frank, Holland, & Kates, 1999).

Behavioral after effects:

Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences; however, child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

o Difficulties during adolescence. Studies have found abused and neglected children to be at least 25 percent more likely to experience problems such as delinquency, teen pregnancy, low academic achievement, drug use, and mental health problems (Kelley et al., 1997).

o Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. A National Institute of Justice study indicated being abused or neglected as a child increased the likelihood of arrest as a juvenile by 59 percent. Abuse and neglect increased the likelihood of adult criminal behavior by 28 percent and violent crime by 30 percent (Widom & Maxfield, 2001).

o Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that abused and neglected children will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, as many as two-thirds of people in drug treatment programs reported being abused as children (2000).

o Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. It is estimated approximately one-third of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children (Prevent Child Abuse New York, 2001).

Societal after effects:

While child abuse and neglect usually occurs within the family, the impact does not end there. Society as a whole pays a price for child abuse and neglect, in terms of both direct and indirect costs.

o Direct costs. Direct costs include those associated with maintaining a child welfare system to investigate allegations of child abuse and neglect, as well as expenditures by the judicial, law enforcement, health, and mental health systems to respond to and treat abused children and their families. A 2001 Prevent Child Abuse America report estimates these costs are $24 billion annually.

o Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences of child abuse and neglect. These include juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental and emotional dysfunction, substance abuse, and domestic violence; loss of productivity due to unemployment and underemployment; the cost of special education services, and increased use of the health care system. Prevent Child Abuse America recently estimated these costs are more than $69 billion per year (2001).

Summary

Of the research that has been done about the after effects of child abuse and neglect, the effects vary depending on the circumstances of the abuse or neglect, personal characteristics of the child, and the child's environment. Consequences whether mild or severe lasts a lifetime, unless there is emotional and spiritual healing. Ultimately, due to related costs to public entities such as the health care, human services, and educational systems, abuse and neglect impact not just the child and family, but society as a whole. Total estimated Direct and Indirect cost to society for child abuse--verbal, physical/ sexual and neglect is $103 billion annually.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention. Dr. Neddermeyer is noted for her pioneering work in verbal, physical, sexual abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.drdorothy.net [http://www.gen-assist.com/store.html]

Top 10 Signs of An Abusive Man

2012-06-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren't good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won't leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words." Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.

According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine's Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness - Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you've been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control - He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority - He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be "right" by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates - Tells you you're crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it's your fault he is abusive. Says he can't help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to "help" him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings - His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don't match words - He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you - An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the "silent game" as punishment when he doesn't get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help - An abusive man doesn't think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women - Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself - Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser's partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won't be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don't go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Infidelty Expert and Online Dating Expert, Stephany Alexander, is the CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a B.A., in Communications and a B.A. in Language. She is the author of the book "Sex, Lies and the Internet."

Common Traits of an Abusive Relationship

2012-06-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: It is understood that women as well as men can be abusers; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male. For this reason, references to abusers are in the masculine. The reader's understanding is appreciated.

In my own experience, and in my exposure to the experiences of other women who are abuse victims, it is apparent that there is a bizarre, almost word-for-word script associated with the behaviors and character qualities of abusers. Although I have not been exposed to physical abuse, a majority of these earmarks seem to be evident, whether the abuse is physical, verbal and/or emotional. Here we go...

The Introvert Meets the Man of Her Dreams

The woman attracted to an abuser will often suffer from low self-esteem and, although usually far from accurate, a diminished sense of her own value. As a result, she will probably be instantly flattered by this man's constant attentions toward her. During their dating days, her suitor makes her feel beautiful and desirable. He will often attempt to jeopardize her time and ply her affections with regular phone calls, gifts and niceties. She believes his obsession with her constitutes love, when it is more likely he wants her as a possession rather than a partner. He may question her relationships with other men, whether co-workers or friends. Unfortunately, these actions, which his victim mistakenly attributes to protectiveness, emanate from a combination of paranoia and jealousy. And, his zealous claim on her time she sees as a sign of his stalwart commitment and desire to be with her, although it is more likely one of the first signs of control.

The Victim Ignores the Red Flags

Perhaps before the ring is ever on her finger, she may begin to see a dark side of her love - mood swings, unprovoked anger or unwarranted criticism seem fairly typical. But, these women choose to overlook these questionable behaviors, clinging to her certainty that the attentive man who saw her as the most beautiful woman in the world is the real person she is marrying. Because he seems to see in her what no man before him ever saw, she rationalizes that she is just the person to help her beloved work through whatever issues he is facing in his life. In her smitten state, she makes a dangerously incorrect assessment. It is only a matter of time before the demon in him awakens, and the words, "'Til death do us part" begin to feel less like a promise and more like a prison sentence.

The Abuser Lives a Life of Blatant Hypocrisy and Double Standards

The abuser is a walking illustration of hypocrisy. He can be altogether charming and social. He shmoozes whom he uses, carefully rubbing shoulders with those in whose company he will find acceptance and support, people he believes are of use to him because of their community standing, usefulness or other helpful connections. Although at home he is increasingly selfish, domineering, and mean-spirited, the victim's friends and family members will probably perceive the abuser as welcoming, friendly and likable. As a result, the victim finds herself confused by their impressions, and begins to question her own understanding of how he treats her. Since she seems to be exclusive target of his terror, she arrives at the heart-breaking conclusion that she must be responsible for his cruel outbursts. That is exactly what he wants.

This is a man who arrives at church hand-in-hand with his wife and puts his arm around her during the service. He warmly greets his acquaintances and stops for polite and friendly conversation on the way to the parking lot. He might be a deacon or an elder in the church. The face he shows to the world defies the one his victim sees when they are alone. This reality cripples his victim. Everyone likes him.

The Abuser is the Supreme Authority

...on everything. End of story. The victim has the freedom to ask any questions, or dispute the abuser's perspective - at her own peril. She is entitled to her own opinions as long as they are the same as his. The victim is not allowed to have much of an identity separate from the abuser. Whether it's music, movies, home decor, politics, or religion, he has the final say. Even in matters of opinion, his opinion is superior. Get used to it.

He has made final, usually derogatory, assessments of the family, friends or acquaintances in the victim's circle, decreeing them unfit to socialize with or trust. No one knows more than he (unless it is someone he needs to use or impress).

The Abuser is a Dictator

The abuser controls everything - schedules, finances, priorities, household responsibilities, hobbies, and friendships. The victim is given only whatever limited freedom the abuser chooses to allow. And although he makes the rules, they do not apply to him.

The Abuser is a Liar

To an abuser, the truth is whatever he decides it is. Even if caught in a lie, he has already rationalized what he believes is a perfectly appropriate justification that made his lie necessary, even helpful. The victim knows what's true, but fears contesting the validity of what is not. The abuser cannot be trusted, and she's afraid to do anything about it. If she chooses to point the finger at him, she will likely pay a hefty price for it. He can make her life a living hell. It is best to keep silent.

The Abuser is Selfish

He doesn't want to help with the kids, the dinner or the chores, and he is the first to criticize his victim for falling short in any one of her areas of responsibility.

Often, he controls the bank accounts and expenditures and makes sure his needs are met before anyone else's. If that means hiding money or stealing it from the victim's bank account, so be it. Once he is satisfied, with his permission, the victim might have access to some of what remains, and once in a while, he may buy her a gift, take her to dinner or treat her to a weekend away as a form of apology for one of his particularly egregious attacks. He holds the trump card with regard to what is on the television, where the family goes on vacation and who gets the last piece of chocolate cake.

The Abuser Has a Short Temper

The abuser may get angry at the dog, the mailman, a co-worker, someone driving too slowly in traffic, and the clerk at the grocery store, then come home and rant about how he was treated disrespectfully. Any offense gives him cause to take his frustration out on the wife, his children, the dog, or any other convenient target that can't fight back.

The Abuser is Bitter

The abuser feels he has been dealt a bad hand. He keeps a long and ever-growing list of offenses that have been committed against him. He can painstakingly recite every occasion where someone has stepped on his toes and robbed him of some mysterious opportunity that would have made his life all it was meant to be. There are many whom he blames for his current, pitiable state. Anything and everything that is wrong with his life is someone else's fault.

The Abuser is a Perfectionist

The abuser expects perfection from everyone but himself. God save the child of an abuser who gets a "B" on his or her report card, or the wife who gets in a car accident or overcooks his dinner. He had better find his favorite shirt pressed and hanging in the closet when he decides he wants to wear it. The abuser is demanding and unforgiving. Those who don't deliver will surely hear about it.

The Abuser is a Control Freak

The abuser fears his victims' independence and his exposure, so he severely limits his family members' social lives and access to many, if not most, outside sources of emotional support. Not only does his wife's absence from the house for social activities mean that he will be expected to pick up some additional responsibility - which he doesn't want - but he fears that she might spill his secrets and receive validation and a sense of independence from the outside, which poses a threat to his grip on her life. With this in mind, he may sabotage his wife's endeavors outside the home, whether she wishes to attend college classes or Bible study, go jogging with a neighbor every morning, or periodically meet a friend for coffee. He will often call her to make sure she returns home at the earliest possible time. He may also monitor her checkbook, e-mails, phone calls, or vehicle usage. The abuser keeps her on a very short leash. It is crucial that he keep her completely isolated and dependent on him for everything.

The Abuser is Cruel

The verbal wounds inflicted on his victims through undeserved rage or slanderous denigration leaves them emotionally battered, with scars that last a lifetime. "How can he say such things?" his victims wonder. There is no good answer.

But words are not his only weapon.

The abuser may use silence - for hours or days - as a form of punishment. He may glare at the object of his contempt with such hatred that panic is a common response. He may throw things at his victims or intentionally damage their cherished possessions. Beloved pets may be abused, neglected or killed - a purposeful reminder as to the possible destruction that awaits any who cross him.

He may lock his victim out of the car, the bedroom or the house, and he doesn't care if it's 20 degrees below zero. He seems to glean genuine satisfaction from the misery of others.

The Abuser May Have Mental Health or Addiction Issues

It is not uncommon for abusers to suffer from a variety of mental health issues, which may include obsessive-compulsive tendencies, anxiety, depression, hypo-mania or manic-depression, and/or paranoia. He may suffer from any number of addictions, such as illegal or prescription drugs, alcohol, gambling, spending, or pornography. He may engage in extra-marital relationships, and some victims divulge that the abuser has either coerced or forced them to engage in sex acts that they find shameful, demeaning or violent.

The abuser seems to have an unquenchable void in his life that he seeks to fill with all manner of external, if temporary, fixes. He may often identify a new dream, hobby, toy or trinket that he feels will make his life complete - after the last dozen experiments failed. He feels fully entitled to possess whatever he "needs" without regard to expense or any negative effects his decision may have on others. No family sacrifice is too great if it might result in him finding happiness. His victim keeps hoping that, if just one of his crazy ventures would bring him peace, he would return to her, their home, and family, and they could live a happy, fulfilling life together.

No Change Signals Time For Change

When the abuser finally snuffs out the final spark of hope the victim holds out, his victim will need to muster the strength to tell her secrets and ask for help. Yet the abuser has been mindful to keep his public image distinctly separate from his private brutality. After so many months or years of surviving in the shadows - even fortifying the false image of their "happy" home and keeping the abuser's terrible secrets - the day finally arrives that this abuse victim decides to take a risk and speak up. In spite of all she has been through, she has to wonder: Will anyone believe her?

Cindy Burrell, a writer, wife, mother and a survivor of emotional abuse is here to tell you that there is hope...

After twenty years in an abusive relationship Cindy was left feeling lost, lonely and exhausted. She had learned to compromise her happiness in an unsuccessful attempt to stave off the onslaught of abuse. Her story is one of neglect, fear, lies, and addictions. Finally forced to leave their home with her four children, they escaped the emotional prison in which they had all lived. Although scars remain, Cindy and her children have found healing and restoration.

Currently, Cindy works as a professional writer/researcher for a California State Senator. She has served in similar capacities in the Legislature for many years while doing her own writing on the side. "I am an emotional/verbal abuse survivor, and I am - at long last - no longer afraid to share what the Lord has done for me."

See her web site at http://www.hurtbylove.com

A Case For Specialized and Specific Intervention and Treatment Strategies With Abused Young Children

2012-06-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

A review of the literature reveals that the area of forensic questioning of young children in relation to child abuse is fraught with differing opinions and controversy. The clear need for courts to have accurate information concerning perpetration of abuse on children by adults will continue to exist as long as child abuse does. In the guidelines for the evaluation of allegedly abused children, the American Psychological Association Committee on Professional Practice and Standards (1998) indicates that forensic data and expert witnessing may help the court in understanding, gaining perspective, and increasing the fairness of determinations. Professionals in psychological treatment may be asked to determine if abuse has been perpetrated, and may use the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress as a proof that it has. (Regan, Johnson, Alderson, 2002). In the case of People v Stritzinger (1983), the Supreme Court ruled that unavailability due to a "mental infirmity" must be determined either by the witness refusing to testify, or on the recommendation of an expert witness. While the expert may recommend the child not testify due to PTSD, the expert would be on shaky grounds to state that the PTSD is proof of the abuse. While Fisher and Whiting (2001) agree that some aspects of PTSD symptoms are consistent with a child's behavioral reactions to abuse, an unreliable pattern of abused children with PTSD make using the diagnosis as a proof a very flawed reasoning. They do add though, that if abuse has been founded, the diagnosis becomes a framework to determine level of impact on the child and as a treatment springboard. This would also then seem to be recursive, with the diagnosis of PTSD following a founded case to suggest the question: should the child be returned to the custody of, say, a parent offender, or a non offending parent who failed to protect the child, and the child is highly reactive to as a reminder of the abuse? Since the persistence of PTSD symptoms are likely closely related to the intensity, volume of critical incidents, and duration of abuse, it would appear that there is no current predictive tool to ascertain how long treatment will take. This situation serves to complicate custody issues, not to mention issues of the child having visitation contact with a person who could be a perpetrator. Further, if the child's symptoms worsen following contact with their biological parent(s), is it ethical to desensitize a child to contact with their perpetrator in order for the child to return the perpetrator's care? If there is no "return home" goal, and the child will be adopted, what is the therapeutic point of continuing exposure?

There is of course, no current, valid, and reliable tool to predict if an individual will develop PTSD following a trauma. (Walters, Bisson, Shepherd, 2006) Perry and Azad (1999), in a study on the incidence of PTSD, found that 34% of a sample of children who had been identified as being sexually abused, and 58% of children identified and being both sexually and physically abused met the criteria for PTSD. In addition, the study found that all of the children, while not fully PTSD, had clinically significant symptoms. The children in the study that had only partial symptoms may very well continue development on to full PTSD status. Thus, children diagnosed with PTSD as a result of abuse become a special concern outside of the population of children who have experienced abuse, but have not been diagnosed with PTSD.

Though common sense informs that special care needs to be given to children who have experienced traumatic events, the issues of their post-trauma care can become quite complex. Lieberman and Van Horn state that:

Responses to early trauma need to be understood as the initial manifestation of long-term risks to the child's unfolding development. (p. 112)

Briere and Spinazzola (2005) assert that in the case of a lengthy history of family interpersonal trauma, a complexity of traumatic stress develops that negatively effects the child's attachment with the parent. Such complexity of this population of child victims gives rise to the need for specialized attention, study, and formulations of forensic and treatment approaches. In a study concerning the "pathways" to PTSD in abused children, Kaplow, Dodge, Jackson, and Saxe (2005) found that behavioral signs noted immediately after disclosure of abuse might constitute discrete reactions that include avoidance, anxiety, and dissociation. In turn, these then become foundations for further and longer-term symptom development. Briere (2006) notes that the connection between trauma and dissociation may not be as simple as it first appears; there may be multiple components that produce the dissociation effects, including early attachment issues, emotional neglect, and neurobiological disturbances. Briere also states the possibility that dissociation may exist before trauma and be a risk factor for victimization. Again, this points to possible ethical questions: is any forensic questioner trained adequately to assess what may be very subtle and internalized symptoms presenting? One might assume, due to the nature and purpose of forensic examination, the child may reveal critical incident material that was not formerly revealed. Is there any data to show that forensic questioning does no further harm? If the long term research answer to that question is eventually found to be true, professionals may be trapped by the terrible dichotomous question: catch the perpetrator, or heal the child?

In addition to these complexities, the age of the child when victimization occurs becomes a factor in forensic examination and treatment, along with the traditional problem in most witnessing, memory. Nader (2001) states that at issue in younger children are their very age: they may have "literal interpretations, animistic thinking, faulty hypotheses, and inaccurate associations." (p 281) Nader also asserts that age not only plays a role in perception, but also what details the child attends to, and how the child's state of mind at the time of the trauma affects encoding of the memory for later recall. And of course, memory of the child victim is key to child protection assessments, police investigations, courtroom proceedings, and to a lesser degree, subsequent treatment.

Leiberman and Van Horn (2001) address the problem of the traumatized child's behaviors in relation to memory:

Traumatized reminders tend to remain unidentified when they operate outside of the child's conscious awareness or when the child cannot use language to describe what is happening. The child's behavior may be strongly influenced by stimuli that act as triggers for memories of traumatic experience. (p118)

This assessment also seems to point to the problem of preverbal memories that do not readily find verbal expression or discernment by the child or the forensic investigator. Ceci and Bruck (1995) expands on the memory issue by asserting that due to the overwhelming amount of simulation during abuse there are likely some parts of the trauma experience that were never encoded in memory, so were never 'stored'. Furthermore, they cite studies that demonstrate that errors in children's accounts are most often omission rather than commission errors. Such studies reinforce the oversimplified truth that just as in adult female rape victims, child victims do not generally lie about sexual abuse.

With such complexity, subtle nuance, and discrete aspects, how victim witness information is gained and used in child abuse cases becomes likewise a complex and delicate matter. Public opinion, media enthusiasm, multiple court opinions and those falsely accused of maltreatment of children all attest to the struggle to get the process accurate, fair, and unbiased. Many of the criticisms of particular cases, usually targeting child protection agencies and workers, while made by individuals not educated in the nature of trauma or PTSD in children, have validity and serve to press the field into doing a better job. (Wexler, 1995)

In 1990, Congress enacted the Victims of Child Abuse Act that contains a detailed Article (IV) to guide investigations, prosecutions, and corrections of the Justice Department. These guidelines are an obvious improvement over a system that appears to have had a public reputation for at least some inconsistent and even unethical forensic and clinical approaches. But a simple review of these guidelines reveals that a body that does not nearly understand the nuances and complexities of the problems has created them that child (PTSD) victims suffer. There appears to be no such required guidelines for most county level child protection services. Also in the mix of complications in achieving the truth and attaining justice is the difference in training and philosophical foundations between law enforcement, courts, and the field of psychology. (Wrightsman, 2005) Even a cursory review of questioning tactics between the disciplines yields a wide difference in styles, approaches, and objectives. Not all of these approaches may be sensitive to the victim's emotional, developmental or mental state. In fact, a very real question is exactly how many police departments have a specially trained staff member to question a child victim. Clinicians may cringe at the image of a rough and tumble officer who has never questioned a child abuse victim doing their best to pick their way through a child's critical incident account.

Children usually reveal issues of abuse by either deliberately or spontaneously telling someone, or they make an unintentional reference to the abuse. (Ceci, et al., p.75) While these could be done for the first time in the presence of a child protection worker or police officer, they more likely are done first in the presence of a trusted adult. The time lapse between the first telling and the second forensic telling is a time frame that bears study as to the emotional impact and time impact on the child's memory. This becomes especially concerning in child protective services that have extraordinarily large caseloads in ratio to workers, where time between report and questioning may be days, or even weeks.

In addition, such aspects as linguistic problems associated with the child's developmental level and cultural environment add to the challenge of accuracy. (Ceci, et al. p. 76) One also needs to consider the variable of culture, ethnicity, and quite possibly religious background. Should the forensic investigator be less than sensitive, or just perhaps ignorant of a particular culture, response of the child would quite conceivably be altered.

In cases of sexual abuse, London, Bruck, Ceci, and Shuman (2005) conducted research that found child sexual abuse accommodation syndrome (CSAAS) to be quite valid. The effects of CSAAS are generally accepted as impacting the pattern of disclosure in a particular case, with gradual disclosures, not to mention recantations quite common. A very simple and unpublished experiment in a county in Pennsylvania asking five child protection workers if they had ever heard of CSAAS yielded a negative response in all five. If those so closely associated with child protection are not aware of valid supportive research that has been around for approximately twenty years that so articulates child victim's experience, there indeed is much training to do.

Multiple cases presented sensationally in the media attest to the importance of questioning techniques. The use of leading questions, questions that are posed in a manner assuming a specific answer, or questions that are too complex for the child's age are common examples of problematic methods that can cause the child to offer often elaborate confabulated material. (Wrightsman, 2005) Such inadequate methods that ignore the child's developmental level can produce dramatic, hysterical reactivity in the community, as in the case of People v Raymond Buckey. A number of collected studies indicate that children do make commission errors about things they have never experienced, and can create fantastic, well-constructed, believable accounts of abuses that have never occurred to them. Especially when faced with an adult questioner who is using repeated suggestive methods and has a confirmatory bias, children's witness accuracy suffers. (Ceci, et al., 1995)

Compounding simply bad questioning and investigative techniques, is the issue of how the symptoms of PTSD interact with forensic questioning. The DSM groups symptoms into three basic categories of re-experience, psychobiological alterations, with avoidance, numbing and detachment comprising the last category. Wilson, Friedman, and Lindy (2001) contend that there may be a need to add three more categories to fully articulate PTSD, including problems in interpersonal relationships, disturbance of ego structure, and alterations to the victim's psychological makeup. Schuder and Lyons-Ruth (2004) articulate the list further by describing a variety of attachment behaviors that can be seen in traumatized infants. There is some evidence that there are child specific behavioral signs of PTSD, such as precocious development and behavioral regressions. (Nader, p284)

In light of what has been demonstrated thus far in the research on the effects of PTSD in abused children, a diagnosed child pressed into courtroom testimony appears to be contraindicated as to future treatment concerns. It would stand to reason that due to the nature of forensic evidence and information gathering, either by a forensic mental health professional, child protection worker or a police detective, all of whom are focused less on treatment than on the goal of successful litigation, future treatment is a secondary concern. It would seem that the very approach of an investigator and the nature of the questions would have the clear potential to trigger re-experiencing, avoidance, numbing, detachment, and physical agitation. If unenlightened questioners, or questioners not taking into account the child's developmental level are added to this mix, it would seem likely that triggering may occur with some reliability. This would appear to be a ripe subject for research and testing. Even a child who has experienced abuse and is not diagnosed with PTSD may find the courtroom experience daunting. Wrightsman (2005) explains:

"It can be argued that for any victim of sexual abuse or rape, whether an adult or child, the experience of facing your alleged attacker in court is particularly stressful. The trauma is compounded if opposing attorneys view the children as especially susceptible to intimidation during cross examination, and judges remain oblivious to efforts to "break down the child on the witness stand." (p 285)

Though one might hope that the aforementioned Article VI of the Victims of Child Abuse Act guidelines would directly address questioning tactics by attorneys, examination of the Article reveals no such measures. It should be noted, though, that the Article does provide for measures that make an attempt to be sensitive to the child's emotional state such as video taped or closed circuit video testimony with an adult supportive attendant in close proximity to the child. But even these may not be enough to mitigate all of the possible cues and triggers to (post traumatic) stress reactivity. One wonders why these same supportive measures (perhaps with the foster parent or therapist of the child attending) are often not provided routinely, and as mandatory in cases of repeated forensic exam per CSAAS.

The legal and therapeutic aspects of child abuse cases are inextricably entwined. Without accurate information and proofs of abuse, the child may be returned to a perpetrator. The process of gaining that accurate information and proof may negatively impact the child's symptoms and progression of treatment. Crouch, Smith, and Ezzell (August 1999) cite the fact that research in developing valid and reliable tools to measure relevant variables of outcomes is lacking. One of those variables that bear study is the determination of abuse process and the subsequent legal forensics process to ascertain if there are long lasting effects of the child moving through such a gauntlet. While psychologists may use a collected battery of standardized tests and measures in the determination of a PTSD diagnosis, these may not be sensitive enough to pick up discrete impacts and effects of the abuse on the child. The tools may even misidentify the impacts and effects as an entirely other diagnosis. (Briere, Elliott, 1997) It stands to reason that the same measures may be inadequate to determine if the protective process itself is causing further harm to the child. There are tailored checklists and inventories available, such as the Trauma Symptom Checklist for Children and the Child Sexual Behavior Inventory (Biere, Spinazzola, 2005), but these appear to have inherent limitations. The TSCC is a self report for children ages eight to sixteen, and the CSBI, while evaluating children between the ages of two to twelve, only evaluates sexual behaviors. Given the complexity of 'complex PTSD', there may be no adequate tool to ascertain the full, unique impact of the critical incidents on a specific child. Schuder, et al. (2004) speaks about 'hidden trauma' that is an integral part of the child's relational experience and may include behavior sets and interaction qualities that are not noticed as problematic by even a trained observer. Even with the current state of the art questioning environments and protocols, expectations of adults for children to readily speak with a relative stranger following what may be a traumatic and embarrassing abuse episode, and that challenges the child's family loyalty is a tall order.

It is well established that the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was developed out of the middle of the last century's experience with combat in various wars. The diagnosis was not designed with abused children in mind. Marshal, Spitzer, and Liebowitz (1999) conducted longitudinal studies that used Acute Stress Disorder criteria that suggest that there is a need to reevaluate the DSM approach to stress syndromes. This clearly is the case when considering the expansion of understanding of the experiences and behaviors, and special needs of abused children with PTSD diagnoses. Briere and Spinazola (2005) opine that clinicians often may need to make decisions on what part of the stress complex is most relevant, and that ever more precise tools are needed to fully understand the unique dimensionality of a survivor of trauma. Such understanding should lead to improvements in the forensic questioning of child victim witnesses and legal interventions, as well as treatment. A valid and reliable progress measurement tool for use at the commencement and duration of treatment would bring a wealth of information to the process and outcome of treatment efforts.

There are several efforts attempting to design best practices training programs in forensic interviews of abused children, among them the American Prosecutors Research Institute's National Center for Prosecution of Child Abuse, the American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children, and the National Children's Advocacy Center. (Siegal, 2004) The National Children's advocacy Center states on their website that their training has an efficacy of gaining enough credible factual witness information to prosecute in 64% of their cases (www.nationalcac.org) The National Center for Prosecution of Child Abuse program strives to get training to half of the nation by 2010. There was no current information on the website concerning how many States have thus far been sufficiently trained.

It would appear that Daubert case may point to more than just the 'junk science' worry; it may in fact point to the need for some vehicle to educate judges as well as front line workers in the care of abused and PTSD diagnosed children. In May of 1996 in the Supreme Court of Tennessee, a dissenting opinion from Judge Leon Burns typifies the this particular difficulty:

The social worker's testimony discounted all the familiar facets of impeachment. First, she told the jury that recollection and memory, often and first-line attack in credibility skirmishes, was not important with child victims and should not be considered. Secondly, she discounted the importance of detail, another fertile basis for cross-examination and impeachment. Finally, and more subtly, she explained away the importance of inconsistencies in children's testimony.

Clearly, Judge Burns was not afforded adequate educational forensic information on disclosure patterns and the many biological effects of PTSD on a child. Had Judge Burn's opinion been in the majority, the child in question (and perhaps many children to come) may have had a very different outcome.

As stated thus far, there are likely many variables of outcomes from forensic examination of a child who is traumatized by abuse. It perhaps goes without saying that ill managed or outright botched forensic efforts leave behind children who have been further damaged by the ordeal. One might expect that if some kind of 'psychological first aid' were to be provided very soon after the child revealing, this might mitigate development of PTSD symptoms, and thus make for a more accurate forensic exam, but Bryant (2007) found that there was no solid validity to the claim that critical incident debriefing was effective in preventing subsequent PTSD. Regardless of the preventive hope for CID, the practice does provide the victim with a here-and-now supportive care. A review of the Field Operations Guide of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2006) shows a highly supportive approach that might be typified as quite gentle, un-pressured, and decidedly 'un-questioning'. Without such debriefing support at the time of forensic questioning (and one might reasonably contend that a goodly number of children do not receive such debriefing), the initial forensic effort with its primary focus and objective on fact finding, has the great potential to add unnecessarily to the child's stress load..

Court examination is of course, forensic in nature, and due to the basic philosophy of adversarial face-to-face confrontation of one's accuser, drastically in counterpoint to PTSD treatment in children. Wilson, et al. state that a "core treatment approach removes obstacles so that the organism can heal on it's own." (p40). Most reasonable adults would agree that placing a child on a witness stand, either in front of a jury or just a judge would qualify as an intimidating 'obstacle' to the child's best interest of healing from PTSD. Walters, Bineman, and Wright argue that hearsay testimony by professionals who have worked with the child, though clearly not the norm in a court hearing, is a clearly reasonable alternative to risking further damage to the child. While protecting the child, this may place the clinician in a gray area where the dual role as the therapist and expert witness may come up. Strasburger, Gutheil and Brodsky (1997) note that this can be come very ambiguous, but also may be somewhat unavoidable when clinicians identifying themselves as expert witnesses are unavailable due to locality and economic reasons. In addition, clinicians serving a case may be routinely asked to provide clarification in the form of education concerning PTSD in children to help judges more fully understand the issues.

As time marches on, it becomes ever more clear that specificity in treatment needs to be developed to address the particular idiosyncratic presentations of abused children diagnosed with PTSD. The literature is rife with calls for even more research to study the efficacy of existing treatments and to develop new ones. (Lombardo and Gray, 2005) This wheel turns exceedingly slow. Nader (2004) advises that the practitioner who is going to work with PTSD children who are victims of abuse needs to have a good working knowledge of psychotherapeutic principles as well as a specific, experienced trauma background.

Most models of treatment for PTSD in children are simply derived from adult models, mirroring the earlier criticism of more specific diagnosis criteria for children with the disorder. Most current approaches include multiple recounting of the critical incidents, re-attribution of erroneous responsibility, regaining a sense of safety, and helping the child regain a sense of control in their lives. (Nader, 2004) Other well-known approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, with a focus on trauma seem to be consistently cited as providing significant improvement over other forms of treatment such as child-centered therapy. (Cohen, Deblinger, Mannarino, and Steer, 2004). Other therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have considerable continuing debate over efficacy and validity with adults, let alone children.

Lieberman and Van Horn (2004) begin to refine a more child sensitive approach by noting that two very important focus areas for children with PTSD as a result of interpersonal violence are re-establishing care giving routines and positive reciprocity between the child and care giver. Gaensbauer (2004) refines this child sensitive approach further, stating that clinicians intervening in the child's life must take care not overwhelm and allow the child's emotions to get out of control due to history material. He also comments on "spontaneous play", but is not clear if this is in opposition to structured play therapy (p. 199) Gaensbaur goes on to note that: "probably the most important contribution we can make as therapists to the child's recovery is to help parents to deal with the child's symptoms in the home environment." (p.199) This certainly would apply equally to foster parents when a child has been removed from an abusive parent(s). Gaensbaur addresses the behavioral acting out related to PTSD by suggesting a two pronged approach that includes firm limit setting and demonstration of empathy for the child's expressed emotions as attached to the critical incidents. (p. 200)

This author's anecdotal experiences in the field treating abused children with PTSD for some ten years is that there are many front line clinicians that while having adequate training and experience in psychotherapy and other multi modal techniques, have but a rudimentary understanding of PTSD. In addition, they generally and largely rely on behavioral approaches and techniques to address an abused child's behavioral expressions of the disorder. Admittedly anecdotal study of the efficacy of such singularly behavioral techniques has demonstrated that the application appears to reliably escalate the child's symptoms and move them towards ultimate life and developmental altering decompensation. The problem appears to be that children with PTSD often present strong oppositional symptoms that are likely attached to their allosatatic reactivity. This may be in addition to co morbid diagnoses. Many adults, even trained clinicians, reflexively react to a child's opposition with an increase of pressure by way of behavioral techniques. Such a shift to a behavioral pressure stance can be quite subtle, and even unconscious on the part of the adult, but no less real in effect on the child. Adults, who serve as child protection workers, police officers, attorneys, therapists, and judges, to a child, may begin the cuing and triggering of the child's stress just by their titles.

Conclusions and Directions

There appears to be enough evidence to show how children who have been abused experience and demonstrate PTSD is qualitatively different from adults. Specific research into these qualities and even possible child-specific symptoms and discrete behavioral episodes need to be explored. Ascertaining if current formats of forensic questioning contribute to driving PTSD symptoms deeper, contribute to their escalation and intensity, or are supportive of healing appears to be a fair area of concern. The development of ever more specific and specialized forensic and treatment approaches, as informed by valid scientific research on child victim's expressions of PTSD is needed. Accurate tools to guide the process of treatment and measure outcomes are needed. High quality comprehensive education of all professionals involved with child victims about the nature and peculiarities of PTSD in children would allow for more accurate and effective litigation and movement of the child towards and through treatment. There is no specialized, specific, and individualized treatment modality for treating PTSD in children who have been victims of interpersonal abuse. Though all of the mentioned therapy alternatives certainly implicitly contain empathy and gentleness, none articulate gentleness as a key aspect of treating abused children. Perhaps after all of the research and articulation of therapeutic and legal approaches and modalities, simple gentleness may be the healing salve that is needed. Certainly pressing a child through a legal process does not qualify as 'gentle.' It is time for the clinical healers to move forward out of repetitions of 'the need for more research' on the development of more effective forensic and therapy approaches, and do the developing right now, in the field.

William Krill is a clinician working in central Pennsylvania with children who are survivors of interpersonal abuse. He has over twenty five years of experience in the human services and ministry fields. A book about this fresh and innovative approach, entitled "Gentling: A Clinician's Guide to Treating PTSD in Abused Children" is currently going to press. You can read more of his helpful articles at: http://www.freewebs.com/krillco

Family Violence and Abuse - Helping Victims and Survivors

2012-06-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Introduction

Abuse and violence in the family refer to physically and emotionally harmful behaviors that occur between family and household members. It includes child abuse, child neglect, intimate partners abuse and violence, marital rape, and elder abuse. It could be a learned behavior that can be unlearned through therapy. Perpetrators try to isolate the family to keep it secret and avoid sanctions. They usually have some power and control over the other members of the family. They may rationalize the violence with their drug use. The use of cocaine, PCP, amphetamine etc may increase violent behavior.

Forms of Abuse

Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, shoving, stabbing, shooting, kicking, and withholding medication, wheelchair, food, and fluids. Sexual abuse includes coercion, marital rape, and withholding sex. Psychological abuse includes threat, harassment, and blackmail. Emotional abuse includes name-calling, insults, and ridicule. Economic abuse includes total control over finance, running up bills, forbidding school or work.

Reality About Violence

Family violence occurs at all levels of society. Separation or divorce may not end violence. Abuser does not need to be provoked. Some survivors wrongly tend to blame self. Treat the violence but also the alcohol, drug, stress, and mental health problems if any. Violence occurs between gays and lesbians too. Abused women are discouraged from disclosure by threats, fear, denial and disbelief expressed by 'confidants'.

Models of Intervention

The Paternalistic model assumes that the clinician has more knowledge than the patient; that the survivor is responsible for ending the violence; that the clinician should give advice and sympathy; and see the patient as a victim. Whereas, the Empowerment model, which is better, assumes that the clinician should mutually share knowledge with the patient, plan strategies with the patient, respect patient's competence, experience and strengths, and see the patient as survivor.

Response of Survivors to Violence

Physical signs of abuse include injuries at multiple sites in various stages of healing (head, neck, face, throat, sexual organs), headache, insomnia, and stress. Behavioral sign is that the individual does not leave the abuser or leaves and returns before making a final break. Psychological signs include delayed reaction, depression, lowered self esteem, attributions e.g. self-blame, impaired school or work performance and conduct, poor concentration and poor problem solving.

Why Doesn't The Individual Leave the Abuser?

Abused individuals do not leave the abuser for variety of reasons, which include fear of being stalked and killed (which is a realistic fear), strong emotional attachment to the abuser, determination to end the abuse, sanctions present in the couple's culture, fear of stigma, lack of resources to live away from the abuser, and consideration of what will happen to her children if she leaves. She may leave and return, thinking, "Maybe he will change".

Child Abuse & Neglect

In every state, child abuse and neglect are must be reported. Types of abuse include child sexual abuse, child physical abuse, child emotional abuse, and child neglect. Child that witnesses family violence may also suffer abuse.

Child Sexual Abuse

This is the involvement of children in sexual activities that they do not fully comprehend and to which they do not or cannot freely give consent. This violates child's trust in the adult that is supposed to protect him/her. Threat to the child, pet, and others keeps the child quiet. It results in confusion, shame, and helplessness. Its effect may last a lifetime and affect mental health. It may be guarded as a family secret.

Observable Signs of Sexual Abuse

The observable signs of child sexual abuse include physical aggression, excessive masturbation, social withdrawal, low self esteem, impaired school performance, sleep disturbance, STD's, bleeding, soreness, itching, UTI, pregnancy, bruises, swelling, redness, fracture, burns, and unkempt appearance.

School Violence

School violence is usually due to child drug use, child's access to guns, antisocial and impulsive behaviors, family dysfunction, community unresponsiveness, interpersonal disputes, and bullying and harassment by peers.

Child Abduction

Most abduction is done by a parent. 70% are by fathers, 25% by their mothers. Parents that are likely to abduct include those that have threatened or attempted it in the past, suspect abuse by the other parent, may be paranoid, may intend to use it as revenge, punishment, trophy, or one that strongly believes that child be raised in his or her home country.

Child Abuse Assessment and Intervention

Explore and be aware of your own attitude to abuse survivors so as not to be judgmental. Do a thorough history & physical assessment. Use private, quiet uninterrupted environment. Honestly state the purpose of the interview. Inform victim of the pending physical assessment. Use a calm and supportive approach. If possible, interview child separately first before joint interview with parent or guardian. Pay attention to child's affect (look) and behavior, mother's understanding of the problem, discrepancies in their stories, and parent's emotional responses. Document your assessment fully. Report suspected abuse to CPS. Coordinate services such as further assessment, psychological testing, individual psychotherapy, family psychotherapy, and group psychotherapy.

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

IPV is a pattern of coercive and assaultive behavior between intimate and dating partners. Abuse of female partners is the more prevalent IPV. Female violence is more often in self-defense. Many IPV end in homicide or homicide-suicide. Leaving or an attempt to leave by the victim increases homicide risk. There is a higher homicide risk with handgun, history of suicidal ideation or attempt, battering during pregnancy, sexual abuse, substance use, extreme jealousy, and controlling behavior ("if I can't have you, no one can"). Few women kill their abusers if there is no intervention. Assessment of IPV should be part of mental health assessment. Ask partners about history of conflicts, "pushing and shoving", and quality of relationship. Observe for hesitation, looking away, and unease. Be supportive, let victim know she is not alone. Describe and map the extent of injuries. Assess for attribution e.g. self-blame. Assess for depression, PTSD, and anxiety. If patient is the abuser, assess potential for further violence. Consult legal advisor for "Duty to Warn". Courts have made it mandatory abusers (happens to be mostly men) to be treated. Treatment includes confronting the violence, affirming that responsibility lies with the abuser, behavior therapy, anger control, attitude change to women, couple counseling, and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Empower the woman, using laws, community resources, support groups, and safe shelters. Mutually set goals with the victim. Mutually consider and choose from options. Help mobilize natural, social and professional supports.

Rape and Sexual Assault

This affects men, women and children, especially women and children. Sexual assault is a forced act of sexual contact without consent. It is usually done to humiliate, defile or dominate the victim. Rape is a felony, yet majority is unreported. Survivors of marital rape do not seek care because of embarrassment and humiliation. Careful assessment and questioning is needed. In caring for the victim, listen, be nonjudgmental, and provide emotional support. Document your observation and assessment fully. Help collect evidence if patient chooses to litigate. In the acute stage, assess for fear, disorganization, shock, and restlessness. In the second stage, assess for flashbacks, phobias to places and people, and sexual difficulties. Encourage the victim to discuss feelings. Explore options e.g. changing phone number. Explore available community services and support groups. Refer for physical treatment and psychotherapy. Plan for a follow-up phone contact in a few days.

Elder Abuse

There are about 5 million abused elderly persons in the US annually. Spouse abuse overlaps with elder abuse. The abused does not report for fear of being abandoned to a nursing home or being isolated. Signs include bruises on arms, wrists, ankles, face lacerations, vaginal lacerations, fractures, malnutrition, poor hygiene, dehydration, flinching and shrinking away in the presence of abuser. Help and care include reporting a suspected abuse to the Adult Protective Services (APS), counseling, psychotherapy, substance abuse and treatment of the abuser, if necessary.

Reference: Stuart, G. W. & Laraia, M. T. (2005). Principles and practice of psychiatric nursing (8th ed.). St. Louis, MO: Elsevier Mosby.

Dr. Samson Omotosho is both a professor of psychiatric nursing and a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner in Baltimore, Maryland, USA. He has taught in various schools for more than 30 years. He is currently the owner and director of Optimum Health Systems, Inc., an outpatient mental health clinic and psychiatric rehabilitation center in Maryland. To find out more about helping people with various types of mental health problems, visit his website at [http://WWW.futurefocusbiz.com]

How To Prevent Elder Abuse

2012-06-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

As our population ages and more stress is placed on families to care or both parents and children at the same time, there is a potential for Elder Abuse by caregivers whether family members or service providers. To understand how Elder Abuse happens we must first define what Elder Abuse is, what are the indicators, who are the perpetrators, what the signs of elder abuse and who is at risk of being a victim.

Elder abuse is defined as any form of mistreatment that results in harm or loss to an older person. It is generally divided into the following categories:

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It includes assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint.

Who are the perpetrators?

Perpetrators may be acquaintances, sons, daughters, grandchildren, or others. Perpetrators are likely to be unmarried, to live with their victims, and to be unemployed. Some perpetrators have alcohol or substance abuse problems. Some are caregivers for those they abuse.

Who is at risk?

As a group, victims of physical abuse do not differ significantly from seniors who are not abused.

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that abuse has occurred. Physical indicators may include injuries or bruises, while behavioral indicators are ways victims and abusers act or interact with each other. Many of the indicators listed below can be explained by other causes (e.g. a bruise may be the result of an accidental fall) and no single indicator can be taken as conclusive proof. Rather, one should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem.

Physical indicators

* Sprains, dislocations, fractures, or broken bones

* Burns from cigarettes, appliances, or hot water

* Abrasions on arms, legs, or torso that resemble rope or strap marks

* Internal injuries evidenced by pain, difficulty with normal functioning of organs, and bleeding from body orifices

* Bruises. The following types of bruises are rarely accidental:

o Bilateral bruising to the arms (may indicate that the person has been shaken, grabbed, or restrained)

o Bilateral bruising of the inner thighs (may indicate sexual abuse)

o "Wrap around" bruises that encircle an older person's arms, legs, or torso (may indicate that the person has been physically restrained)

o Multicolored bruises (indicating that they were sustained over time)

o Injuries healing through "secondary intention" (indicating that they did not receive appropriate care)

o Signs of traumatic hair and tooth loss

Behavioral indicators

* Injuries are unexplained or explanations are implausible (they do not "fit" with the injuries observed)

* Family members provide different explanations of how injuries were sustained

* A history of similar injuries, and/or numerous or suspicious hospitalizations

* Victims are brought to different medical facilities for treatment to prevent medical practitioners from observing a pattern of abuse

* Delay between onset of injury and seeking medical care

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any form of non-consensual physical contact. It includes rape, molestation, or any sexual conduct with a person who lacks the mental capacity to exercise consent.

Who are the perpetrators?

Perpetrators of sexual abuse include attendants, employees of care facilities, family members (including spouses), and others. Facility residents sometimes assault fellow residents.

Who is at risk?

* The majority of identified victims are women, however older men have been sexually abused in both domestic and institutional settings.

* Persons with physical or cognitive disabilities

* Persons who lack social support and are isolated

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that abuse has occurred. Physical indicators may include injuries or bruises, while behavioral indicators are ways victims and abusers act or interact with each other. Some of the indicators listed below can be explained by other causes (e.g. inappropriate or unusual behavior may signal dementia or drug interactions) and no single indicator can be taken as conclusive proof. Rather, one should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem.

Physical indicators

* Genital or anal pain, irritation, or bleeding

* Bruises on external genitalia or inner thighs

* Difficulty walking or sitting

* Torn, stained, or bloody underclothing

* Sexually transmitted diseases

Behavioral indicators

* Inappropriate sex-role relationship between victim and suspect

* Inappropriate, unusual, or aggressive sexual behavior

Domestic violence

Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of violence or intimidation by an intimate partner, which is used to gain power and control. Several categories of domestic violence against the elderly have been identified:

"Domestic violence grown old" is when domestic violence started earlier in life and persists into old age

"Late onset domestic violence" begins in old age. There may have been a strained relationship or emotional abuse earlier that got worse as the partners aged. When abuse begins or is exacerbated in old age, it is likely to be linked to:

* Retirement

* Disability

* Changing roles of family members

* Sexual changes

Some older people enter into abusive relationships late in life

Who are the perpetrators?

* Perpetrators are spouses or intimate partners

* The majority are men

* Some perpetrators abuse drugs or alcohol.

Who is at risk?

* Older women whose relationships with their spouses or intimate partners were abusive or strained when they were younger.

* Older women who enter into intimate relationships late in life

What are the indicators?

Indicators of domestic violence are similar to those associated with physical abuse and/or sexual abuse (see physical abuse and sexual abuse). The following additional patterns are also characteristic:

* The frequency and severity of injuries are likely to increase over time

* Victims often experience intense confusion and disassociation

* Violent incidents are often preceded by periods of intensifying tension and followed by periods of apparent contrition on the part of perpetrators

Psychological abuse

Psychological abuse is the willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish by threat, humiliation, or other verbal or nonverbal conduct.

Cultural values and expectations play a significant role in how psychological abuse is manifested and how it affects its victims.

Who are the perpetrators?

Perpetrators may be family members, caregivers, or acquaintances.

Who is at risk?

Persons who are isolated and lack social or emotional support are particularly vulnerable.

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that abuse has occurred. Physical indicators may include somatic changes or decline, while behavioral indicators are ways victims and abusers act or interact. Some of the indicators listed below can be explained by other causes and no single indicator can be taken as conclusive proof. Rather, one should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem.

Physical indicators

* Significant weight loss or gain that is not attributed to other causes

* Stress-related conditions, including elevated blood pressure

Behavioral indicators

The perpetrator:

* Isolates the elder emotionally by not speaking to, touching, or comforting him or her

The elder:

* Has problems sleeping

* Exhibits depression and confusion

* Cowers in the presence of abuser

* Is emotionally upset, agitated, withdrawn, and non responsive

* Exhibits unusual behavior usually attributed to dementia (e.g., sucking, biting, rocking)

Financial Abuse

Elder financial abuse spans a broad spectrum of conduct, including:

* Taking money or property

* Forging an older person's signature

* Getting an older person to sign a deed, will, or power of attorney through deception, coercion, or undue influence

* Using the older person's property or possessions without permission

* Promising lifelong care in exchange for money or property and not following through on the promise

* Confidence crimes ("cons") are the use of deception to gain victims' confidence

* Scams are fraudulent or deceptive acts

* Fraud is the use of deception, trickery, false pretense, or dishonest acts or statements for financial gain

* Telemarketing scams. Perpetrators call victims and use deception, scare tactics, or exaggerated claims to get them to send money. They may also make charges against victims' credit cards without authorization

Who are the perpetrators?

1. Family members, including sons, daughters, grandchildren, or spouses. They may:

* Have substance abuse, gambling, or financial problems

* Stand to inherit and feel justified in taking what they believe is "almost" or "rightfully" theirs

* Fear that their older family member will get sick and use up their savings, depriving the abuser of an inheritance

* Have had a negative relationship with the older person and feel a sense of "entitlement"

* Have negative feelings toward siblings or other family members whom they want to prevent from acquiring or inheriting the older person's assets

2. Predatory individuals who seek out vulnerable seniors with the intent of exploiting them. They may:

* Profess to love the older person ("sweetheart scams")

* Seek employment as personal care attendants, counselors, etc. to gain access

* Identify vulnerable persons by driving through neighborhoods (to find persons who are alone and isolated) or contact recently widowed persons they find through newspaper death announcements

* Move from community to community to avoid being apprehended (transient criminals)

3. Unscrupulous professionals or business persons, or persons posing as such. They may:

* Overcharge for services or products

* Use deceptive or unfair business practices

* Use their positions of trust or respect to gain compliance

Who is at risk?

The following conditions or factors increase an older person's risk of being victimized:

* Isolation

* Loneliness

* Recent losses

* Physical or mental disabilities

* Lack of familiarity with financial matters

* Have family members who are unemployed and/or have substance abusers problems

Why are the elderly attractive targets?

* Persons over the age of 50 control over 70% of the nation's wealth

* Many seniors do not realize the value of their assets (particularly homes that have appreciated markedly)

* The elderly are likely to have disabilities that make them dependent on others for help. These "helpers" may have access to homes and assets, and may exercise significant influence over the older person

* They may have predictable patterns (e.g. because older people are likely to receive monthly checks, abusers can predict when an older people will have money on hand or need to go to the bank)

* Severely impaired individuals are also less likely to take action against their abusers as a result of illness or embarrassment

* Abusers may assume that frail victims will not survive long enough to follow through on legal interventions, or that they will not make convincing witnesses

* Some older people are unsophisticated about financial matters

* Advances in technology have made managing finances more complicated

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that abuse has occurred. Some of the indicators listed below can be explained by other causes or factors and no single indicator can be taken as conclusive proof. Rather, one should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem.

* Unpaid bills, eviction notices, or notices to discontinue utilities

* Withdrawals from bank accounts or transfers between accounts that the older person cannot explain

* Bank statements and canceled checks no longer come to the elder's home

* New "best friends"

* Legal documents, such as powers of attorney, which the older person didn't understand at the time he or she signed them

* Unusual activity in the older person's bank accounts including large, unexplained withdrawals, frequent transfers between accounts, or ATM withdrawals

* The care of the elder is not commensurate with the size of his/her estate

* A caregiver expresses excessive interest in the amount of money being spent on the older person

* Belongings or property are missing

* Suspicious signatures on checks or other documents

* Absence of documentation about financial arrangements

* Implausible explanations given about the elderly person's finances by the elder or the caregiver

* The elder is unaware of or does not understand financial arrangements that have been made for him or her

Neglect and Self-Neglect

"Active" neglect refers to behavior that is willful - that is, the caregiver intentionally withholds care or necessities. The neglect may be motivated by financial gain (e.g. the caregiver stands to inherit) or reflect interpersonal conflicts.

"Passive" neglect refers to situations in which the caregiver is unable to fulfill his or her care giving responsibilities as a result of illness, disability, stress, ignorance, lack of maturity, or lack of resources.

"Self neglect" refers to situations in which there is no perpetrator and neglect is the result of the older person refusing care.

Who are the perpetrators?

* Perpetrators may be paid attendants, family members, employees of long- term care facilities, or others

* Caregivers who lack adequate skills, training, time, or energy

* Caregivers who are mentally ill, or who have alcohol, substance abuse or other mental health problems

* In self-neglect cases, there are no perpetrators

Who is at risk?

* Persons with physical or mental disabilities who depend on others for care

* Persons with high care needs. The literature on care giving suggests that certain conditions are particularly stressful to caregivers. These include fluctuations in the older person's need for care, disturbed sleep, incontinence, and lack of support from other family members.

* Self-neglect is often associated with mental health problems, including substance abuse, dementia, and depression.

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that neglect has occurred. Indicators of neglect include the condition of the older person's home (environmental indicators), physical signs of poor care, and behavioral characteristics of the caregiver and/or older person. Some of the indicators listed below may not signal neglect but rather reflect lifestyle choices, lack of resources, or mental health problems, etc. One should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem. Signs of neglect observed in the home

* Absence of necessities including food, water, heat

* Inadequate living environment evidenced by lack of utilities, sufficient space, and ventilation

* Animal or insect infestations

* Signs of medication mismanagement, including empty or unmarked bottles or outdated prescriptions

* Housing is unsafe as a result of disrepair, faulty wiring, inadequate sanitation, substandard cleanliness, or architectural barriers

Physical indicators:

* Poor personal hygiene including soiled clothing, dirty nails and skin, matted or lice infested hair, odors, and the presence of feces or urine

* Unclothed, or improperly clothed for weather

* Decubiti (bedsores)

* Skin rashes

* Dehydration, evidenced by low urinary output, dry fragile skin, dry sore mouth, apathy, lack of energy, and mental confusion

* Untreated medical or mental conditions including infections, soiled bandages, and unattended fractures

* Absence of needed dentures, eyeglasses, hearing aids, walkers, wheelchairs, braces, or commodes

* Exacerbation of chronic diseases despite a care plan

* Worsening dementia

Behavioral indicators:

Observed in the caregiver/abuser

* Expresses anger, frustration, or exhaustion

* Isolates the elder from the outside world, friends, or relatives

* Obviously lacks care giving skills

* Is unreasonably critical and/or dissatisfied with social and health care providers and changes providers frequently

* Refuses to apply for economic aid or services for the elder and resists outside help

Observed in the victim:

* Exhibits emotional distress such as crying, depression, or despair

* Has nightmares or difficulty sleeping

* Has had a sudden loss of appetite that is unrelated to a medical condition

* Is confused and disoriented (this may be the result of malnutrition)

* Is emotionally numb, withdrawn, or detached

* Exhibits regressive behavior

* Exhibits self-destructive behavior

* Exhibits fear toward the caregiver

* Expresses unrealistic expectations about their care (e.g. claiming that their care is adequate when it is not or insisting that the situation will improve)

If any of the above signs of abuse are observed, the person seeing these signs of abuse should immediately notify the guardian or proper law enforcement authorities.

Verbal Abuse - Domestic and Political

2012-06-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

Verbal abuse defines and denigrates the Other. It may show up in couple relationships, cyberspace, airwaves, political arenas, playgrounds, and so forth. It is a negative statement and if believed would lead you to believe that you are not who you are. Here are a few examples, "You are lazy" - "You are a wimp" - "You don't care" - "You think you're right" - "You just want to win."

It is not surprising that many women experience verbal abuse from their spouses. After all, verbal abuse defines a person and, some generations ago, many men defined women as incompetent to vote, own land, or even go to college. Nor is it surprising that the pattern of defining others extends into other arenas. It has entered the political realm with a vengeance.

Verbal abuse includes: withholding, bullying, defaming, criticizing, characterizing, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, countering, diverting, lying, berating, ordering, taunting, putting down, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging.

Verbal abuse is the tool of those who attempt to have power over others, to brainwash, to coerce, or to enlist others in a cause not their own. It is either a lie told to you, about you, or about another. Whether the abuser is in a close personal relationship with the target or is a virtual stranger, verbal abusers have at least one thing in common: they invade another persons "space." That means that they behave as if they live within the target, as if they know what the target is, thinks, feels, is doing, wants, should do, will do, and so forth.

If a verbal abuser, by means of lies, threats or propaganda, attempts to enlist you to bond with him or her against someone or some group, the verbal abuser may appear to be on your side. But, in the end, verbal abuse is meant to exert power over you-power that will ultimately serve his or her purposes, not yours.

Spouses who verbally abuse their partners perpetrate harm that is deeper than physical blows.

Politicians and pundits who use others for their own purposes define and threaten those they target, and, because they can influence many, they can harm many. They define the thoughts, motives and even identity of others as readily as a batterer does. In fact, as their threats, accusations, and slanders are replayed in the media and are proliferated through the culture, verbal abuse becomes a commonality, normalized and mimicked in domestic situations.

Although verbal abuse defines others, when these defining statements are heard often enough, they seem to seep into the minds of many and to be thought of as truths. They are described as crazy making in domestic situations, or as a kind of brainwashing. And they are lies. They can be recognized as such. No one knows what anyone thinks, feels, wants, is trying to do, or is doing unless they are told by that person.

As with domestic verbal abuse the political verbal abuser can be recognized by words spoken, and, very importantly, by innuendo, that is, what the verbal abuser implies.

VERBAL ABUSE TELLS YOU WHAT YOU ARE, ARE TRYING TO DO, MUST DO, MUST NOT DO, ARE DOING, THINKING, WANTING, ETC. OR IT TELLS YOU WHAT OTHERS ARE, ARE TRYING TO DO, ETC.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: You're a bitch

The political verbal abuser to the world: He's the anti-Christ.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: You're a whore.

The political verbal abuser to the world: He's a communist.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: You're trying to start a fight.

The political verbal abuser to the world: He's trying to take your life.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: Do this or I'll....

The political verbal abuser to the world: He'll pay for this.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: You want to ruin things.

The political verbal abuser to the world: He wants to take everything from you.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: Don't air the dirty laundry.

The political verbal abuser to the world: He's just a whiner.

The domestic verbal abuser to the partner: You're working at turning our son into a wimp.

The political verbal abuser to the world: he's seeking, pursuing, a path that punishes achievement.

If the verbal abuser can replace your certainty, and self-perception, with lies then your freedom, the right to choose, is thwarted dissolving into confusion and fear. The verbal abuser and the terrorist both have taken a stand against freedom.

What makes domestic verbal abusers risk the dissolution of their relationships in order to continue their abusive behavior? They have lost so much of themselves, their human qualities of empathy, emotional intelligence and more. The lost self is projected into their partner. Then, if their partner can't "be" the rest of them-fill the void-match their projection, they respond either covertly or overtly with verbal abuse.

What makes political verbal abusers perpetrate lies, innuendos, threats and other verbal attacks on others. They seem compelled to bond together against certain groups to gain power over them. As we have seen throughout human history, they define whole peoples, attempting to silence the very voices that could awaken them. By such bonding, gangs are formed, dictators gain power, and wars begin. The political verbal abuser appears to act with artful, purposeful intent, with every word and metaphor vetted for shock value in a planned verbal assault-lies geared to incite the same fear and confusion the batterer generates.

In contrast, those who are connected to others in empathy bond together for, rather than against the Other. They stand for truth and stand by those who are diminished, defined and attacked. They are whistle blowers.

Verbal abuse assaults one's mind, one's consciousness, and one's soul. Attempts to erase the mind of another, to misinform the other, or to coerce the other is an assault upon freedom. When a verbal abuser wields power or weapons, chaos can erupt.

And last but not least, the assaults of verbal abuse leave the target feeling depressed, confused fearful and often physically ill.

AUTHOR: Patricia Evans http://www.verbalabuse.com

Find Out More about verbal abuse which is the hidden side of domestic violence. Verbal Abuse can be worse than physical violence. Words can slam consciousness, erase perception and sicken people both emotionally and physically. And, amazingly most people have no name for what is happening to them! Many people think that verbal abuse is cussing and swearing and name-calling. Few realize that withholding, countering, judging, accusing, criticizing, and so forth are all verbally abusive.

The Verbal Abuse web site ushers in a new millennium of increased awareness. It reflects our growing knowledge of verbal abuse--one of the worst forms of abuse anyone can experience in any on-going relationship or association. In verbally abusive relationships, the intent of one party may be to solve the problem, while the intent of the other is to dominate and control. One may be seeing mutuality while the other is seeking superiority. One may be seeking power with the other, while the other may be seeking power over the other. Often perpetrators are acting from unconscious compelling forces of which they know little.

Private phone consultations are available, as well as a free newsletter, articles and important links to video, and audio. Each of the four books on verbal abuse and control reveals about a quarter of what people dealing with verbal abuse say is essential to their recovery be they perpetrators or targets. Titles of the books are below. They cover the dynamics of verbal abuse, why abusers define others and what to do about it. Learn more. Read more. Share more.

See more - http://www.VerbalAbuse.com

Patricia Evans

BOOKS:
THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
VERBAL ABUSE SURVIVORS SPEAK OUT
CONTROLLING PEOPLE
THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE MAN CAN HE CHANGE

Physical Abuse - Spousal

2012-06-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

Physical abuse of a spouse has no boundaries. It occurs in every aspect of society and in all cultures. It has no age limit, gender or color and no ethnic or religious affiliation. It occurs on a daily basis, yet, it is one of the most under-reported crimes, primarily, due to the victim's feelings of shame, humiliation or fear of ridicule. Statistical data on spousal abuse is available across income levels. It is based on social strata and is dependent on how the victim seeks help. Low income abuse is usually tracked through the use of shelters, court orders, and social services. White collar or higher income spousal abuse is not so easily tracked, because the victim usually has the means to remove themselves from an abusive relationship without the help of shelters or social services. The abuse on this level is more often cited in cases of divorce. Statistical data is also available on battered husbands, but such instances are the least reported. The overall analysis of data on domestic violence shows that wives suffer far more abuse than husbands.

Although spousal abuse can occur in many forms. the most recognized categories of abuse are verbal and physical. Unfortunately when one form of abuse occurs within a relationship, it can and often does lead, progressively, to other forms of abuse. Abuse, in any form, is a pattern of behavior that inflicts pain, suffering and mental anguish on another and, usually, has its roots in childhood, either through the experience of being abused or witnessing the abuse and behavior of a close family member. Whatever the cause may be, it is a learned behavior based on insecurities and inadequacies within an individual. It is perpetuated through the use of fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation. with the sole purpose of wearing down the dignity and self esteem of the victim, in order to mold and manipulate the victim to the abuser's will. The abused victim or spouse may show fear or become totally subjugated in the presence of the abuser. In many cases of abuse, the longer the abused spouse remains in the relationship, the chances of leaving the relationship become less likely, as time passes.

Physical abuse, in most instances, takes place in the privacy of the home, or when the victim is isolated from family members or friends. Family and friends may be unaware as to what is happening within the marriage due to the abuser's ability to portray him or herself as one who is extremely likable and incapable of performing such acts. The most recognized profile of an abuser is of one who is an alcoholic or a drug user, but there are many who do not fit this profile. Abusers never take responsibility for their actions and are skilled manipulators of both the truth and their victims. They rely on total subjugation of the abused spouse to prevent exposure and justification for their behavior is always cited as being the victim's fault.

Physical abuse usually begins with a slap, a push or shove, or any type of physical contact intended to cause restraint, pain or bodily harm to the spouse. As the abuser becomes, increasingly, comfortable in his or her ability to gain submissive behavior from a spouse by inflicting pain, the physical violence can and often does escalate to severe violent behavior - resulting in injuries, that often require medical attention.

Injuries acquired through physical violence in marriage, quite often, go unreported, due to the reluctance of most spouses to visit the same doctor each time domestic violence occurs. Whether this is done through manipulative tactics used by the abuser or the abused spouse's humiliation, the reluctance to report acts of abuse, only serve to strengthen the abuser's power of control.

In many instances, no matter how traumatized the spouse becomes, many victims remain in the relationship for various reasons. Some of the more common reasons are:

1 the belief that things will get better
2. afraid to leave because of threats
3. fear of not being able to take care of oneself
4. fear of being alone
5 there is no way out or
6. they are still in love with the abusive spouse

Yet, there are many abused spouses, who have garnered the courage to leave the relationship - successfully. Some are often lured back into the relationship by the abuser's promise that it will never happen again - only to find that the abuse intensifies upon their return. Amongst those who refuse to return to such a relationship, some are stalked, threatened or harassed.

For those, who still remain in a physically abusive relationship. There is nothing stated, implicitly or explicitly, under the laws of man or God that binds you to a marriage that poses a threat to your physical and mental well-being. The reluctance to seek help is neither a safe or practical option. There is help available that will allow you to leave an abusive relationship - safely.

Each state offers victims of domestic violence help in the form of court ordered protection - usually in the form of a restraining order. However, even though a protective order carries strong consequences for its violation, it still has to be enforced, preferably, before the victim encounters physical harm. While many victims have been helped with a court ordered protection, some have slipped through the cracks of justice and have found themselves face to face with their abuser, without the necessary help provided by the court order, to keep them safe.

Therapy may be an option to be considered. The biggest concern with therapy is that it relies on the abuser to see the error of his/her ways when it is already evident that he/she is aware that the behavior toward the spouse is unacceptable. Although there are many therapists that claim therapy will help a physically abusive spouse, not one can guarantee that the abuse will not return to the relationship, while in therapy or after therapy. Changing learned behavior requires the abusive spouse to keep an ever vigilant watch on their attitude, anger and actions toward the abused spouse, which can prove to be a daunting task.

There are also a number of organizations that have sprung up within the last 20-30 years, whose primary objective is to help victims of spousal abuse. Such organizations may prove to be the better option for many. These organizations specialize in the safety of an abused spouse and should be used as an alternative or an additional source to the law and therapy to keep you safe. For women, one such organization is the House of Ruth, whose mission is to help battered women and children to rebuild their lives safely and free of fear. The House of Ruth is located in various states within the U.S. with localized help available on the Internet and local telephone books. Another such organization is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) which is available to everyone, regardless of gender, who needs help from domestic abuse at(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224. Their Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Your telephone calls remain anonymous.

The avenue of assistance chosen, should always provide the victimized spouse with the safest option to end the cycle of abuse. The choice to remain or stay in an abusive marriage is always left to the discretion of the victim and the only question that should be posed to anyone suffering in such a relationship is: whether the loss of free will, human dignity and self esteem is worth the price of physical and mental suffering?

Http://www.squidoo.com/troubled_marriage

Common Myths About Child Sexual Abuse and Incest

2012-06-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

The first response the majority of people form when hearing of sexual child abuse or incest is denial: "I do not have to be concerned about that in my community." "That would never happen in my family."

The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. He/she may be a leader in the church, in the community or in business, a sports coach, scout leader, or celebrity. Sex offenders do not fit a classic stereotype and are not necessarily uneducated, unemployed, impoverished or an alcoholic.

The majority of people find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the sex offender is someone they like, admire, love, and/or marry. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sex offenders leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood they will be abused.

Myth: Rape/incest runs in the family--it is in the genes.

Fact: Rape is not in the genes in the family of someone who rapes. Rape is perpetrated by someone who is acting out rage. Physical and sexual child abuse are the majority factor in creating the level of rage that compels anyone to commit rape, domestic violence or murder. We have known for a long time that the one commonality among rapists is physical and/or sexual child abuse. Serial killer, Ted Bundy is a classic example of this phenomenon. Since 80% of sexual child abuse survivors are sexually abused by family members there are usually several generations within a rapist's family--sometimes both maternal and paternal. Current statistics reveal 70% of children are physically abused once a week. It is believed the number of children who are physically abused has decreased in the past 15 years. However, the current rapists in society would have grown up in the era when physical abuse was more prominent, therefore, we can assume there is a high percentage of people, who are potential rapists when we consider date rape and rape in domestic violence, which is seldom reported or if it is reported, is seldom prosecuted. Therefore, society has no way to access the number of rapes committed per capita.

Myth: Children lie or fantasize about sexual activities with adults.

Fact: Using developmental terms, young children cannot make up explicit sexual information. They must be exposed to it to speak about it. Sometimes a parent will coach a child to report sexual abuse falsely. The key indicators of the falseness in such a report are the child's inability to describe explicit details, the inability to illustrate the act, or gross inconsistencies within the account.

Myth: Most victims of sexual abuse are teenaged girls.

Fact: While more girls than boys are sexually abused, many are abused before their first birthday.

Myth: Boys can't be sexually abused.

Fact: Masculine gender socialization instills in boys the belief they are to be strong; they should learn to protect themselves. In truth, boys are children and are as vulnerable as girls. They cannot really fight back against the sex offender. A sex offender generally has greater size, strength, knowledge, or a position of authority, using such resources as money or other bribes, or outright threats--whatever advantage the sex offender can take to get what they want.

Myth: Sexual abuse of a child is usually an isolated, one-time incident.

Fact: Child sexual abuse and incest occurrences develop gradually, over time; often, repeat occurrences are generally the rule rather than the exception.

Myth: Children will naturally outgrow the effects of sexual abuse or incest.

Fact: Sexual abuse or incest affects every aspect of human development. The damage is profound, extensive and pervasive. It is deeper than the physical and emotional level--it is a soul injury that requires multifaceted, multidimensional, therapeutic processing conducted by a professional who specializes in sexual abuse and incest trauma recovery.

Myth: Non-violent sexual behavior between a child and an adult is not emotionally damaging to the child.

Fact: Although child sexual abuse often involves subtle rather than extreme force, all survivors experience confusion, shame, guilt, anger, as well as a lowered sense of self-esteem; these are classic aftereffects, although they may not initially reveal obvious signs.

Myth: Child molesters are all, 'Dirty old men.'

Fact: In a recent study of convicted child sex offenders, 80% committed their first offense before age 30.

Myth: Children provoke sexual abuse by their seductive behavior.

Fact: Seductive behavior may be the result, but is never the cause of sexual abuse. Amy Fisher, the Long Island teenager who shot her sex offender's wife in the face and whom the media dubbed, Lolita having an affair with a married man, is a perfect example of this myth. During her trial for attempting to kill Joey Buttafuoco's wife, Amy Fisher revealed that she had been sexually abused before her abuse by Buttafuoco. Her behavior that many considered seductive and promiscuous was, in fact, a result of prior abuse. However, regardless of the victim's behavior or reason for such behavior, the responsibility for appropriate behavior always lays with the adult, not the child. A sixteen-year-old girl is no match for the cunning and streetwise tactics of a man twice her age, therefore, the ability to affect adult consent is unreasonable to expect.

Myth: If children wanted to avoid sexual advances of adults, or persons in positions of greater power, they could say, stop or no.

Fact: Children generally do not question the behavior of adults. In addition, bribes, threats, flattery, trickery and use of authority coerce them into cooperation and compliance.

Myth: When a child is sexually abused, it is immediately apparent.

Fact: In cases of incest against children, as much as the sex offender might be hurting the victim, the child loves him or her and needs her family. Therefore, she convinces herself that she is somehow causing him or her to behave this way, and she remains silent. In her confusion of loyalty to her sex offender, she protects him or her by holding the secret. Thus, she carries the shame and guilt. In cases regarding sexual abuse and incest, the victim often believes that she has cooperated with the sex offender in some way and places inappropriate blame on herself. Therefore, although with tremendous suffering, she hides her pain through denial, dissociation, numbing, zoning out, hyperactivity, as well as other distracting behaviors. However, the aware parent would recognize these behaviors as a sign that something is wrong.

Myth: When the sexual abuse victim is male, male homosexuals are the sex offenders.

Fact: Heterosexual men, who do not find sex with other men satisfactory, perpetrate most child sexual abuse. Many child molesters, even though they are heterosexual, abuse both boys and girls.

Myth: Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual.

Fact: Whether victimized by males or females, boys or girls, premature sexual experiences are damaging in many ways, including confusion about their sexual identity and orientation.

Myth: When a boy and a woman take part in sexual behavior and it is the boy's idea, he is not being abused.

Fact: Child abuse is an act of power by which an adult uses a child. Abuse is abuse; a woman engaging in sexual behavior with a male child is still sexually abusive, even if she thinks he initiated the contact.

Myth: If the sex offender is female, the boy or adolescent is fortunate to have been initiated into heterosexual activity.

Fact: Premature or coerced sex, whether by a mother, aunt, sister, babysitter or other female causes confusion, at best, and rage, depression or other problems in more negative circumstances. Whether male or female, to be used as a sexual object is always abusive and damaging.

Myth: If the child experiences sexual arousal or orgasm from abuse, he or she has been a willing participant or enjoyed it.

Fact: Children can respond physically to stimulation (get an erection) even in traumatic or painful sexual situations. A sex offender can maintain secrecy by labeling the child's sexual response as an indication of his or her willingness to participate. You liked it, you wanted it. The survivor is then manipulated with their own guilt and shame because they experienced physical arousal while being abused. Physical, visual or auditory stimulation is likely to occur in a sexual situation. It does not mean the child wanted the experience or understood what it meant.

Myth: Males who were sexually abused as boys all grow up to sexually abuse children.

Fact: Only some sexually abused boys become sex offenders.

Myth: Boys are less traumatized as victims of sexual abuse than girls.

Fact: Studies show that long-term effects are equally damaging for either sex. Ironically, males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their own resultant belief that they must 'tough it out' in silence.

Myth: If a child is sexually active with his or her peers, then it is not sexual abuse.

Fact: The act is abusive if the child is induced into sexual activity with anyone who is in a position of greater power, whether that power is derived through the sex offender's age, size, status, or relationship. A child who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse, is a child who has been violated.

Unless and until, society focuses on sexual child abuse prevention, before the damage is done, sexual abuse of children will continue to proliferate. Child sexual abuse is the greatest hidden epidemic in the world.

Domestic Abuse or Domestic Violence - Does Terminology Matter?

2012-06-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

The term 'domestic abuse' as opposed to 'domestic violence' is meant to encompass the wider forms of suffering over and above physical injuries which women (and men) are exposed to from partners. Many people are in 'unhealthy' relationships; that does not necessarily equate to being involved in an abusive relationship but confusion may occur if the definition of this crime is broadened. Would 'domestic abuse' rather 'domestic violence' mean the criminalisation of bad relationships and remove focus from the true nature of this crime? Is it simple semantics or would broadening definitions from 'domestic violence' to 'domestic abuse' encourage changes in society's perception of domestic violence and who precisely is likely to be involved?

According to the dictionary, abuse is "v. 1. use to bad effect or for a bad purpose 2. treat with cruelty or violence 3. address in an insulting and offensive way" whilst violence is: "n. 1. behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage or kill 2. strength of emotion or of a destructive natural force" Being offensive and cruel can, however, cause harm - particularly if there is a physical element implied or if there is a history of physical harm following on from, or alongside, verbal insults. There are interesting subdivisions of both the terms 'abuse' and 'violence'. For example, in research undertaken by the Home Office, definitions of domestic violence were dependent on victims' interpretations. If various agencies use different terms, how it is possible to specify what is, or is not, unacceptable behaviour and thus whether such behaviour constitutes a criminal offense.

So what is domestic violence? In essence, it is where a current or former partner causes physical or emotional harm or injury to the other; where one partner is forced, either physically or emotionally, to submit to the will of the other (whether the perpetrator is male and victim female, or vice versa, or both partners are of the same gender). Whilst many may consider domestic violence to consist of physical assaults by a husband upon their wife, this is not an exclusive definition. Aside from physical assaults, there are emotional, financial and social constraints placed by one partner upon the other and this can be a particular problem if one partner is the only working adult or if he or she earns substantially more than their partner. Emotional abuse can be where one partner constantly makes derogatory remarks, belittling achievements and physical appearance; social constraints can include manipulation of one's movements with constant questions about where someone is going. Verbal assaults can almost cause as much fear as physical assaults; this is especially so when assaults of any kind are directed not only towards the primary victim (i.e. partner/ex-partner) but also towards children, pets or other loved ones. Further, if verbal assaults or threats are often followed by physical assaults, victimisation occurs on another level as the apprehension of a physical attack can be as traumatic as the assault itself.

The Home Office itself defines domestic violence as: "Any violence between current or former partners in an intimate relationship, wherever and whenever the violence occurs...[it] may include physical, sexual, emotional or financial abuse". This may, however, be purely to obtain specific information on victims rather than any legally or obligatory definition to be used in strict interpretation by agencies (including criminal justice agencies). Given that it interchanges violence and abuse, confusion may occur, and it broadens further its definition in a leaflet against domestic violence. The leaflet describes the more obvious of 'punching' and 'kicking' to the more debatable 'telling you that you're ugly', 'telling you what to wear', 'calling you a failure' and 'shouting'. These latter phrases and definitions are so broad they may in fact undermine their purpose. Pragmatic interpretations may be obvious to policymakers, academics and researchers and perhaps even the police (in that the derogatory comments and shouting are part of a pattern of abusive behaviour, rather than when used in an isolated incident) but leaflets and campaigns seen by the wider public may result in the meaning being lost. This is because, during arguments and disagreements - in various relationships - shouting and making derogatory remarks can be quite common and the intent behind the remarks may be less sinister than when used in conjunction with, or as a build up to, actual intended harm (whether physical or not).

Definitions can be misunderstood in other contexts as well. What happens when bad relationships becomes verbally abusive; when a couple shout insults at each other - perhaps frequently and with both parties being culpable - is this domestic abuse? Could the potential for a physical or verbal 'assault' on either party mean that police (or other agency) intervention is required or necessary? Arguments, discussions (heated or otherwise) and even occasional 'outbursts' may help to resolve issues; releasing tension and may make relationships healthier and stronger. What happens if neighbours contact the police concerned due to the volume of arguments: would domestic 'abuse', rather than domestic 'violence', mean that police attendance is mandatory for a simple argument? Are all relationships which encounter rough periods of time to be subject to monitoring, intervention and even prosecution? This is obviously not what is anticipated when domestic abuse was utilised as a term over and above domestic violence; nonetheless, definitions/terminology (and any interpretation thereof) remain subjective, even if guidelines are in place.

Perhaps one of the main problems with terminology is the method in which it creates confusion, misunderstanding and even apathy among agencies - and society as a whole - towards the crime of domestic violence itself. Is domestic violence a crime only if there is physical violence? Is it a crime if a husband shouts so loud that neighbours can hear him make derogatory comments towards his wife - perhaps not hearing her response because of the lower volume; does this constitute domestic abuse even if no violence occurs? Certainly this seems to be the implication in an extract of the Report of the Select Committee on Marital Violence (1975) from the Metropolitan Police: "...general principle of police...not to intervene in a situation...between husband and wife...in which the wife had suffered some personal attack, any assault upon a wife by her husband which amount to physical injury of a serious nature is a criminal offence...". Here, the emphasis is on the physical injuries - though English law states that assault is the fear of physical harm rather than actual physical harm. This is known as a 'technical assault' whereby "the defendant intentionally or recklessly causes the victim to apprehend imminent force". Psychological trauma can be suffered by the constant threat of physical harm as well as any physical injuries however; for such suffering, the Protection From Harassment Act 1997 may be utilised, though the conduct 'causing fear' must occur on at least two occasions (ss.1-3). Government publications use the term 'domestic violence' and 'domestic abuse' interchangeably - if the Government do not know the difference, how can anyone else?

One reason for the change in term from violence to abuse is that it may avoid the implication that only physical assault is criminal whereas 'abuse' suggests a variety of conduct used by partners. A broader term may help victims understand their partners' actions are not acceptable. Problems may arise when boundaries of terminology and interpretation become blurred. Would a man be more likely to be targeted than his female partner if both technically committed the crime of 'domestic abuse' because of gender perception (i.e. that females in the relationship are more likely to be the victim than perpetrator, or that females are less likely to cause physical harm towards male partner)? Domestic violence may well be too narrow a term and restrict what people perceive to be a criminal offence and worth reporting. The approaches of various agencies in various locations may also make a difference; if a police force responds positively towards victims, if they are proactive in their dealings of domestic incidents because of a broader term of 'abuse' then utilisation of such terms may be justified. A more reflective interpretation of domestic abuse may result in police intervention earlier in situations which may otherwise be left until consequences are dire for both victims and their families.

The Scottish Executive has settled on 'Domestic Abuse' when discussing domestic violence throughout its policies and campaigns. Though it is difficult to find the reasons behind the decision, it was agreed in September 1999 to create the definition. In 1998, the Scottish Partnership on Domestic Abuse was set up and a National Strategy created to ensure women have access to the necessary agencies, assistance, etc.

In 2001, the Protection from Abuse (Scotland) Act was introduced and the definition therein states: 'abuse' includes violence, harassment, threatening conduct and any other conduct giving rise, or likely to give rise, to physical or mental injury, fear, alarm or distress'. A draft National Strategy was produced in October 2002: key elements included public awareness raising; education; training; services for women and children; work with men who use violence; legislation; and workplace strategies. The Strategy has produced various campaigns aimed at both perpetrators and victims but also indicates that neighbours, friends and others ought to be aware of domestic abuse and not to ignore the signs. The first of these campaigns began in 1995 and it was aimed at the perpetrators - shown specifically during programmes the majority of men would be likely to see (i.e. rugby and football world cups). For some people, however, it is not just a matter of terminology and interpretation; victims' and perpetrators' culture may mean that they do not see their situation as being the business of any outside agents.

Even internationally, communities rarely intervene for a country's inadequate and antiquated domestic criminal justice policies and even then, it is usually because the victim(s) originated from a western country (i.e. Britain/USA) or because of pressure from media and/or celebrity sources. For some countries, crimes such as domestic violence may be interpreted as minor infractions, but in the UK and other countries, such relationships may be abusive or implicitly violent. Each culture has specific interpretations of what is domestic violence; for example, Sokoloff and Dupont studied experiences of Japanese women's understanding of domestic violence: overturning a dining table, or pouring liquid over a woman is more significant to them than slapping or pushing. Sokoloff and Dupont correctly believe that, over and above the social constraints in place for some women to report abuse or abusive relationships, there may well be cultural constraints which further isolate women and enhance their victimisation. Further, should women from traditional insular communities reside in western society, they may be unwilling or unable to report domestic violence due to language barriers, fear of reprisals not only from their partners, but their own communities. This will be enhanced if the victim and/or her partner are illegal immigrants; not only would she bring authorities' attention to her own immigration status, she may also raise awareness of a community previously unknown to authorities.

For the UK, the levels of control over a spouse/partner by perpetrators within the immigrant community (whether legal or otherwise) may be even more acute due to language, cultural and community barriers and restricted access to support agencies. Home Office research on the provision of 'advocacy services' to black and other ethnic minority women shows that problems can arise where and when women are uncertain as to their legal rights and what facilities are available to them and that multi-agency support and co-operation is essential in tackling domestic violence in such communities. In some cultures, victims and perpetrators may accept violence and/or abuse and may not believe such behaviour is wrong, let alone illegal. Even if the victim and/or perpetrator recognises that domestic violence/abuse is unacceptable, their country of origin may be unwilling to prosecute the perpetrator and protect the victim; what then for those who seek asylum? For those in England, the Law Lords have ruled that they may well be protected under the Geneva Convention - and thus attain the rights as refugees and gain protection of the English legal system and remain indefinitely.

Other problems prevail when using terminology or definitions which limit the ability of objective interpretation particularly by the police. As Edwards discusses in her book 'Policing Domestic Violence', the charity Violence Against Women puts forward the view that: "...police response...judgemental attitudes to the behaviour of women victims which they may consider contributory...the woman is 'nagging', 'hysterical', or a 'sluttish housewife'." Edwards further refers to Stanko who found that: "Decisions to arrest....charge a suspect with 'disorderly conduct' rather than assault...all affect how men's threatening or violent behaviour comes to be defined as criminal or non-criminal". Edwards refers to research by Chatterton who found one reason for the lack of police intervention is down to "...[a police officer's] decision not to arrest by referring to the moral characteristics of the father...counterposed against the mother who kept a slovenly home and was difficult and 'mouthy' ". Thus, the drunken husband or partner who is abusive towards the police is more likely to be arrested and charged as a domestic violent offender than the husband or partner who is calm, collected and uses manipulation more than violence to abuse his spouse, or who is considered to have been provoked by a horrid wife. Sympathy for the victim only occurs apparently when she fits the stereotype of weak and blameless wife or partner. Another factor may also be the victim's appearance, i.e. would the more attractive woman be deemed helpless and thus gain higher levels of sympathy and ultimately intervention by the police.

Terminology and definitions can cause problems in other legal settings as well. In court, lawyers and judges may refer to the legally defined terms whilst victims, witnesses and even jurors may have an alternative understanding of the issues in contention. If the abusive behaviour in question is not physical, any reference to 'domestic violence' may be confusing as violence may be interpreted to mean physical injuries sustained. If no physical injuries were suffered, confusion may exist and wrong interpretations may lead to a different verdict had clarification been obtained. Alternatively, if 'domestic abuse' is referred to by lawyers, when there is obvious physical injury to the victim, there may be confusion as to what other actions are implied but not specified. Confusion may be exacerbated when the terms are used interchangeably and clarity is most definitely required when women defend themselves to the degree that their abuser dies and they are charged with murder and their defence is based on a history of abusive behaviour from their [now dead] partner. In such cases of 'Battered Wife Syndrome' there may also be ambiguity in relation to the problem of terminology: syndrome implies a medical nature behind a legal definition often used in defences against murder charges.

The term 'domestic abuse' over 'domestic violence' may broaden the scope and it may result in police officers interpreting the offence on a wider scale so including incidents which have not become physically violent, but are nonetheless harmful to the victim. With some incidents of domestic violence actually having little physical violence but with the victim feeling continually threatened, isolated and fearful that it could become violent, or that she (or he) is being manipulated in such a way that disables them from leaving, domestic abuse may help the police understand that intervention in such circumstances is not only acceptable but necessary. The Scottish Executive's terminology and definition makes such an interpretation: "...can include physical abuse (assault and physical attack)...sexual abuse (acts which degrade and humiliate...perpetrated against their will...mental and emotional abuse (such as threats, verbal abuse, withholding money and other types of controlling behaviour such as isolation from family or friends)". This gives a clear indication of the types of unacceptable and thus criminal behaviour which would constitute an offence making police intervention justified. Of course, others may need assistance in comprehending new terminology and definitions: neighbours, teachers (many children witness domestic incidents) and emergency room staff, as well as employers, etc. When domestic violence is denied as being the cause of stress or physical injuries, what should or could people do? When should they intervene and where would they go? Is it not easier for people to simply ignore the obvious as this constitutes a personal problem and one requiring intervention?

Whilst it may be up to society as a whole to deal with domestic violence in order to reduce its frequency, there are problems in attempting to alter attitudes and understanding of a situation so hidden or considered private. This is clearly evidenced by the Scottish Executive's own research into the response by the public to their campaigns against domestic 'abuse'. Respondents in 2005 and 2005/2006 showed little change in attitudes and understanding of domestic violence or domestic abuse. Whilst the research does make a caveat - that funding and availability of channels on which to show advertisements on domestic abuse were significantly different between the 2005 campaign and 2005/06 campaign, with the former having less available channels, the figures to appear to indicate that the public on the whole did not alter their perception of domestic abuse.

One method of dealing with the varying acts which constitute domestic violence could be to create a specific offence of 'domestic abuse' in statute; this offence should give definitions and meanings which have been widely consulted upon. As offenders are often charged with minor offences including 'Breach of Peace' or 'Affray' and/or the more serious offences such as 'Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm' and 'Wounding', it may well be that a specific offence of domestic abuse (or violence - depending on which is considered the best) would resolve some of the confusion. There is no doubt that causing severe alarm or distress and/or physical injury to a partner is unacceptable, but there are many varying degrees of abusive behaviour that, to have such behaviour subjected to various laws - some antiquated - confusion is a constant problem. If a specific offence were introduced, then the offence can be dealt with similar to other specific offences (e.g. arson, rape, criminal damage, etc.). Current offences can be incorporated in a list of actions which are deemed to fall within the remit of such an offence. Specific deterrent sentences can be identified, including rehabilitative and/or cognitive therapy programmes, as well as custodial methods; protection orders - with powers of arrest attached - could automatically be included. The police recognised in 1998 that the lack of a specific (and national) definition of 'Domestic Violence' was problematic: 'The lack of a nationally agreed definition of domestic violence is a major obstacle...Agreeing a national definition is essential..." Whilst this was in relation to effective policy monitoring and to enable greater comparative analysis, it can be seen as indicative of problems widely experienced by officers. In 2000, it was noted that 'standardised definitions of domestic violence and repeat victimisation between forces and other agencies' were essential to ensure that domestic violence could be effectively policed. If the police, prosecution services and other agencies could refer to specific legislation or a specific offence, rather than rely on a plethora of offences with which to charge offenders, administrative and other bureaucratic problems may be reduced significantly.

One of the few (indeed probably the only) laws to actually specifically mention domestic violence is the Domestic Violence, Crimes and Victims Act 2004. However, the offence of 'domestic violence' is not actually specified, nor defined; it is simply an amendment and clarification of what may occur to those who breach 'non-molestation orders' and provides a review for those deaths which occurred within a domestic setting (referring to these as domestic homicides: s.9). This legislation relates to evidence and procedures and allows the introduction for cohabiting couples to be of the same sex - i.e. extending existing legislation to cover those in homosexual relationships. Other legislation deals by implication with domestic violence and the problems of witnesses who retract statements due to fear or for other reasons: prosecution authorities in England and Wales can utilise the Criminal Justice Act 1988 (s.23) where submission of written statements in the absence of oral evidence is allowed. However, authorities seem reluctant to utilise such laws as they rarely continue with cases when witnesses fail to attend. Indeed, the retraction of statements has long been a problem in many prosecutions of domestic violence and cited as the reasons for low conviction rates; however, given the wider problems faced by victims of domestic violence, it is unlikely to be the sole reason and, even if it were, should not dissuade authorities from prosecuting. Definitively categorising an abusive relationship, providing a specific term and defining the behaviour referred to as criminal (to include psychological, emotional, physical and financial behaviour) may assist in raising levels of conviction rates within this area of criminal behaviour.

Other reasons for low conviction rates may be juries' lack of understanding given the multitude of charges brought. Charges can include common law assault, breach of peace, harassment or sexual assault, etc. These charges may mean juries only choose the one with which they have any understanding (however misconceived). Indeed, in Scots law, 'assault' seems even more abstract than English law; in Scotland, assault is "committed when one person makes an attack upon another with the intention of effecting the immediate bodily injury of that other person or producing fear of immediate bodily injury in his mind." In English law, assault is committed by someone when he "causes another person to apprehend the immediate application...of unlawful force" or "Technical Assault. This offence is committed when the defendant intentionally or recklessly causes the victim to apprehend imminent force". In the Protection From Abuse (Scotland) Act 2001, there is an interpretation of 'abuse' which: "...includes violence, harassment, threatening conduct and any other conduct giving rise, or likely to give rise to, physical or mental injury, fear, alarm or distress". All these interpretations and definitions are undoubtedly causing confusion for those involved in the whole process.

The other side of the argument, however, is that bad relationships may be deemed criminal if definitions are too broad. As mentioned, relationships have good times as well as bad and argumentative couples are not unusual. Indeed, it can be seen as a good and healthy relationship when couples release tension through arguments, even if they are derogatory. Being insulted can be hurtful but the intent behind such behaviour is not always criminal. Whilst legislation such as the Protection From Abuse (Scotland) Act is for the protection of those who suffer (or are likely to suffer) systematic abusive behaviour, specifying that "...any other conduct giving rise, or likely to give rise to...alarm or distress" is criminal, it can result in confusion. Further, control finance is commonly seen as one person's strength in a relationship; for various reasons - not all of them malicious. Partners have on occasion pushed each other, held each other (or restrained due to alcohol, drug use, for protection against the partner harming themselves due to emotional turmoil or medical conditions, e.g. epilepsy).

It is not necessarily being suggested here that a husband who protects his wife from her own self-harming actions could or would be subjected to police intervention under current definitions, but confusion may arise. Where there are isolated incidents of 'hurting' or 'insulting' behaviour, this is not to be deemed criminal, not to be considered domestic violence. However, in the litigious society we now seem to be in, civil actions could draw in criminal codes and partners who seek revenge for various reasons could instigate domestic violence procedures under any broadened definitions. Most would accept that arguments cause alarm and/or distress in any form, particularly in marriages or partnerships given the nature of relationships but not all 'bad patches' should be subject to criminalisation.

Failed marriages whereby insults are thrown, withholding money because of legitimate concerns as to the ultimate destination by respective partners (e.g. a wife or husband who closes a bank account because they simply wish to avoid paying maintenance) may fall within the remit of domestic abuse because they are controlling money and refusing access. There is undoubtedly an element of spitefulness from one or both partners; this may include shouting and insulting each other. Whilst pragmatic approaches are undoubtedly expected from all agencies, complaints may arise if conduct is either ignored when it is in fact symptomatic of domestic abuse, or if over-zealous policing or prosecution interference results in action being taken where none is required. This is particularly likely to occur if different jurisdictions actually have different interpretations or definitions which deal with domestic violence. If officers in rural communities prefer to deal with domestic violence in a quiet, 'dignified' manner to keep families together and to protect reputations in small villages, whilst officers in the City centres are constantly arresting on the spot partners who are abusive, where is the consistency of policing domestic violence given that there are no national definitions and no specific offence of domestic violence.

Terminology can cause confusion, even discrimination, though it is doubtful there is any intention to do so. By broadening terms from domestic violence to domestic abuse, inclusion of acts by perpetrators which, if taken as a pattern of behaviour, show that domestic violence (physical or otherwise) is a problem within a particular household. Domestic abuse may well be preferred terminology for some agencies, including the police and prosecution authorities, but until we have a specific, definitive and statutory explanation of what domestic violence means (by providing clarity as to the acts which can constitute such an act or acts), prosecutions and conviction rates may remain low. Further, such legislation may enable the engagement of the public at large as awareness of a specific criminal offence can be more easily identifiable. A definitive statute/law shows not only that the Government will not tolerate domestic violence because it has specifically legislated against such behaviour, it will also assist the authorities and public to determine what is - and importantly - what is not, a criminal offence.

Domestic violence or abuse - whatever term is used - needs to be defined specifically to ensure that ambiguity is lost, that clarity is gained and that victims of this often hidden crime can point to a specific offence; it can be referred to by police officers when arresting a perpetrator, by prosecutors when bringing charges in court, and by judges when making summations to juries before they decide their verdicts. Juries may then make conclusions based on the evidence in answer to a specific offence when deciding upon guilt.

Policing this offence may not be easier, and prosecutions will still falter but by creating a specific offence and defining which actions are to be included, ambiguity is reduced and increased awareness occurs. Semantics is not the issue here; the issue is the need for effective policy, understanding by the public and the agencies involved in its dealings with such a wide (but hidden) problem. Altering perceptions, changing attitudes and providing assistance for domestic violence will all take time, money and interagency co-operation; offender programmes and education for young people to alter their views (given that many children witness violence in the home and their behavioural patterns, and understanding of violence as a problem-solving device) all need to be implemented. Otherwise we will continue to have a world full of hidden violence leading to distorted views as to what is acceptable behaviour towards others - particularly in the family home.

Bibliography

Concise Oxford English Dictionary - 11th Edition. Oxford University Press (2006)

'Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault & Stalking: findings from the British Crime Survey' by Walby S & Allen J Research Study No. 276. Published by the Home Office in 1998

'You Don't Have To Live In Fear Of Domestic Violence' Home Office - A5 Leaflet; Produced in collaboration with the Cross Government Domestic Violence Unit - March 2004.

'Policing Domestic Violence: Women, The Law & The State' Edwards, SM. Published by Sage in 1989

'Criminal Law: Text & Materials' Clarkson, CMV & Keating HM (Fourth Ed.) Published by Sweet & Maxwell 1988

'The Development of Scottish Partnership on Domestic Abuse and Recent Work in Scotland' by Henderson, S. Published in February 2000 (Scottish Executive) .

'Domestic Violence at the Intersections of Race, Class and Gender: Challenges and Contributions to Understanding Violence Against Marginalised Women in Diverse Communities' Stokoloff NJ & Dupont, I. Vol.11(1) 2005 - Journal of Violence Against Women

'Tackling Domestic Violence: providing advocacy and support to survivors from Black and other minority ethnic communities' Parmer, A, Sampson A & Diamond, A. Home Office Research Findings No. 35. Published in 2005.

'Women & Asylum: A Particular Social Group' by Kirvan, S. Published in Feminist Legal Studies. Vol. 7 (pp333-342) 1999.

'Policing Domestic Violence: Effective Organisational Structures' Plotnikoff, J & Woolfson, R. Police Research Series: Paper No. 100. Published by Home Office in 1998

'Reducing Domestic Violence...What Works? Policing Domestic Violence' Hanmer, J & Griffiths, S. Crime Reduction Series (4). Police Briefing Note. Published in 2000.

"From Domestic Violence to Stalking" Baldry, A C (Chapter 6; p.87) in 'Stalking & Psychosexual Obsession' Published by Wiley in 2002.

"Criminal Law: Third Edition" Jones, TH & Christie, MGA. Published by W Green & Sons Ltd in 2003

"Butterworth's Police Law ( 7th Ed)" English, J & Card, R. Published by Butterworths in 2001.

"Criminal Law : Text and Materials (4th Ed.)". Published by Sweet & Maxwell in 1998.

Protection From Abuse (Scotland) Act 2001 (s.7)

Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

2012-06-09T04:34:00.000-07:00

Through research and life's experiences, I've learned that the typical categories for verbal abuse are not complete and often lack good definitions. When it comes to determining what are considered "signs of verbal abuse," the definitions will change depending on WHO you ask.

As someone who has "been through it," along with women who've contacted me over the years, I've compiled my own list of abuse signs as seen through the eyes of a victim. From that perspective, the terms listed below take on a whole new meaning:

Abusive Anger: Definition - Expresses condemnation or disapproval, anger and harshness going together, defamation, constant shame and disgrace. Abusive anger is when the abuser uses verbal attacks or behaviors in anger. The point being here that the anger shows through and can't be subdued.

Abusive Body Language: Definition - The abuser uses body language to ignore, show disapproval, show lack of a response on purpose, give a certain look that is demeaning, smirk, roll the eye (or various other negative facial expressions), and never give any indication of how the abuser feels. Abusive body language is used by the abuser when he/she doesn't say anything at all. The partner knows what the abuser is saying by his/her body language. It is meant as a form of control. Additional examples include: the abuser facing away from the partner while sitting or standing, making the partner walk behind instead of beside, acting as if the abuser doesn't know the partner when they are in public, etc. Abusive body language lets the partner know his/her behavior is not welcomed without the abuser saying a word.

Accuse: Definition - find fault with, hold responsible, blame. With accusing, the abuser sees the need to find the partner at fault for everything; never taking the responsibility for his/her own actions.

Blame: Definition - Hold responsible by putting responsibility on the other partner, make feel guilty, hold accountable. A verbal abuser will accuse his/her partner of some wrongdoing. The "blamer" will hold the partner accountable and expect him/her to take responsibility for things in the relationship that are not the victims doing. Finding fault with everything the partner does is the key in this type of abuse.

Block: Definition - hinder the passage, progress, or accomplishment of by/or, as if by interposing an obstruction: a) to shut off from view, b) to interfere with, or c) to prevent normal functioning or action. The abuser will keep the partner from accomplishing his/her goals. He/she will obstruct or do things to interfere with the partner's normal plans. This may include keeping the partner from attending an event or being late on purpose to keep from attending an event. Blocking is all about keeping the partner from doing what he/she desires through means of blocking the opportunity.

Control: Definition: Have power over, dominate, oppress, dictate, rule, be in command, demand submission, manipulate, want influence over, restrain, keep in check, hold back, or rein in. The abuser wants to ultimately control the partner. He/she wants to dictate what the partner does and how it's done. As described by Patricia Evans, it's "power over." All the forms of verbal and emotional abuse are "controlling behaviors." The abuser feels out of control over his/her life, therefore, tries to control the partner.

Counter: Definition - Oppose, contradict, argue against, defy, act in opposition to. The abuser is constantly countering and correcting everything the partner says and does. The partner's view is different than the abusers, and he/she doesn't like it, even though he/she may never voice it. Discussions are often cut off in mid sentence so the partner's thoughts cannot be finished. The partner is not allowed to have his/her own ideas or thoughts.

Crazymaking: Definition: double bind, or requiring two separate things. A "crazy maker" will constantly change the requirements for a given situation. He/She will make you feel like you're going crazy because the terms keep changing. Several of the abusive behaviors listed can go hand-in-hand with crazy making. Crazy making typically causes the victim to question whether he/she really did say or do something because the abusive partner is so good at making the victim believe he/she is wrong.

Denial: Definition - rejection, dissent, veto, refusal, disclaimer, contradiction, defiance, denunciation, turning down. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he/she is not abusive.

Discount: Definition - Reduce, lower, disregard, overlook, ignore, pass over, write off, disbelieve, minimize the importance of, or to view with doubt. This is like taking an expensive item and reducing its price to nothing. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner. It denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse. It would be like saying, "No, it didn't really happen like that. You are overreacting."

Divert: Definition - Deflect, redirect, reroute, switch, distract, sidetrack. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. Blocking is a form of verbal abuse in which the abuser controls discussion, withholds information, or diverts his/her partner's attention to something else. Blocking comes first, followed by the diversion.

Forget: Definition - Not remember, overlook, disregard intentionally, neglect. This may involve both overt (open) and covert (secret) manipulation. The verbal abuser consistently forgets. Verbal abusers may "forget" incidents that were upsetting to his/ her partner, arguments, and discussions. He/she may also "forget" important commitments, dates, and promises he/she made to his/her partner. There's always a logical excuse as to the forgetfulness.

Indifference: Definition - Lack of interest, unresponsive, ignoring, lack of concern, coldness, lack of sympathy, apathy, lack of importance or significance, and lack of care. This category does not appear with other forms of verbal abuse. However, the need for it to be a category of abuse is important when the abuser uses it as a form of control. Indifference is when the abuser takes no interest in his/her partner. It's as if the partner is a stranger. There's no effort on the part of the abuser to engage in activity or conversation with the partner. This can be demonstrated in public or private. With indifference, the victim is often ignored in various manners such as when asking questions, when sitting together in public, or when an answer for something specific is needed.

Isolation: Definition: segregation, loneliness, seclusion, segregation. The abuser makes it difficult for the partner to see family or friends. During isolation, the partner rarely associates with anyone but the abuser. The victim may feel that he/she can never leave home or have a social life without constantly being questioned and/or monitored.

Joke or Tease: Definition - Tease, pretend, trick, make fun of, provoke in a mischievous way, disturb, annoy or pester by persistent irritating. Although the abuser's comments may masquerade as humor, they are meant to cut down the partner. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing him/her off balance. Joking can also be used as a form of correction.

Judge and Criticize: Definition - Disapprove of, find fault with, reprimand, strong disapproval, condemn, pass judgment, overly critical, feel they are the expert and they have the authority. The verbal abuser may judge the partner and then express judgment in a critical way. If the partner objects, the abuser may tell him/her that he/she is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he/she is expressing his/her lack of acceptance.

Lying: Definition - being deceitful, dishonest, insincere, and untruthful; normally done with intent to be untruthful. Lying is often included in with other categories. However, I believe lying deserves its own category. Lying becomes a way of life for the abuser, constantly keeping the partner just outside the realm of those lies.

Minimize: Definition - reduce, diminish, lessen, curtail, decrease, make light of, underestimate, and play down the extent or seriousness of something. The abuser may understand how important something is to the partner, but will play down that importance. The abuser may also lessen his/her reaction to an event or circumstance. This can be with both positive and negative situations. If the victim shows strong positive or negative emotions, the minimizing is meant to negate his/her emotions and/or experiences.

Name-calling: Definition - using slang or vulgar terminology to refer to a person or to his/her actions. The abuser may continually call the partner "stupid, klutz, dummy, etc." for whatever reasons he/she feels warranted in doing so. Name-calling can also be more covert, or not as obvious. Sometimes, the "lack of" calling the partner by the appropriate name, can also be considered name-calling. Various "pet names" that we have for our spouses can be considered name-calling, especially if the spouse doesn't appreciate it.

Order: Definition - Command, direct, instruct, tell, demand. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he/she treats the partner like a slave or subordinate. When one partner in a relationship orders or demands another person to do something, he/she is telling the partner to be ready at any moment to meet the abusers needs, desires, and wants. Furthermore, the abuser denies his/her partner the right to make his/her own choices. Ordering can be done with both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Sabotage: Definition - damage, disrupt, interfere with, interrupt, harm, impair, incapacitate. The abuser deliberately damages property or disrupts the partner's life, job, or business dealings. This is very closely related to undermining, but with sabotage, the abuser will go beyond the act of undermining. It's the next step to destroying something the partner cares about. For example, if the victim is planning a social event, the abusive partner may do something to sabotage the event so it either doesn't happen or something goes wrong. The victim may never know what caused the problem.

Spiritual Abuse: Definition - spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to 'come underneath' and serve, build, and equip, misuses that authority. They place themselves over God's people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes, which are really their own. Spiritual abuse in marriage is when the husband uses religious values to "rule over" his wife. Instead of ruling over a group of people (as in the definition), the spiritual abuse is between husband and wife. There are some faith's that believe a husband has authority over his wife and will use religion to keep her in line. Some religions require that the wife submit to the husband in everything. It's forcing the wife to submit at all costs based on the beliefs and/or teachings of his religion.

Threaten: Definition - Intimidate, bully, pressure, warn, terrorize, make threats, jeopardize, put at risk. The abuser manipulates the partner by bringing up his/her biggest fears. The abuser may threaten to expose something personal, or bully him/her into doing something his/her way. The abuser may include threaten to leave or get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse. It's usually an "either/or" scenario.

Trivialize: Definition - Makes the person feel unimportant, small, and insignificant, of little worth or importance, makes things that are important appear small, trivial or minor. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Trivializing is where an abusive partner makes light of his/her partner's accomplishments, achievements, or event. The partner of an abuser may not feel the matter or incident is significant due to the abuser's trivialization of it.

Undermine: Definition - Weaken, dent, chip away at, challenge, destabilize, demoralize, undercut, damage. Take away supporting material, to weaken or ruin by degrees, to weaken secretly, to reduce in intensity or effectiveness. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment. To undermine a partner is to undercut or weaken anything he/she is doing or will try to do.

Withhold: Definition - Hold or keep back, refuse to give, deny, refrain from granting, giving or allowing. If a spouse withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner, denies her experience and leaves her isolated. Withholding occurs when one partner withholds affection, information, thoughts, and feelings from his partner. When one person in a relationship withholds, intimacy cannot be created.

NOTE: the above behaviors are forms of "abusive behavior." When an individual is consistent in some (or all) of these categories, he/she is an abusive personality.

Del Hungerford is a professional musician and educator in the Pacific Northwest. After living through an abusive marriage, she began the search to understand why what appeared to be a perfect marriage could go so wrong. Thus began her journey to gain as much knowledge as possible on the subject of verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse in marriage. From her personal experiences, she desires to help others see that "sticks and stones DO break my bones and words COULD hurt me!" The words of our mouth and our actions have consequences. Visit her web site for more information: http://www.freefromverbalabuse.net/

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How to Recognize an Abusive Man

2012-06-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

Abuse comes in a variety of ways. I will discuss four of the most commonly known which are, verbal and physical abuse, psychological abuse, abuse as a cultural phenomenon and the three stages of abuse. Is abuse always the abusers fault?

Verbal and physical: Verbal and Physical abuse has become common in many cultures. In my view, any form of abuse-a slap, an insult or yelling-is wrong, whether it is culturally acceptable or not.

Sometimes verbal or physical abuse starts out as a form of controlling then leads to the abuse. For example, there are those unique people-particularly some women-who want to be controlled in a love relationship. Yes, I was just as shocked as you when I first came across people like that. These people thrive in the arms of their controllers. To them, being controlled by their lover is a sign that their love is strong. The following true story illustrates this poin.

A couple, Chris and Mary were out driving one day. Suddenly an argument erupted. "You are not tough enough," Mary yelled. "I can't be with you. I need a strong boyfriend." Chris was stunned. He also took notice of what Mary said. A few days later they went to the supermarket. When they arrived home, Chris got out of his car and said, "Hurry up and get out of the car, and bring the groceries with you!" Mary batted her eyelashes and smiled at Chris. "Is this the way you want me to talk to you?" Chris asked. "I appreciate it," Mary replied. "At least you're trying!" Mary wanted to be controlled. The problem with a man or woman who wants to be controlled is that, the controller can become an abuser given enough time. Having said that, is abuse always the abuser's fault?

An abuser can be a man or a woman. Some women are emotionally abusive with their men. And as odd as this may seem, some women are even physically abusive to their husbands. Verbal abuse has become a form of humour on TV shows. Husbands and wives yell at the top of their lungs to get a laugh and improve ratings. Since when did abuse toward another person become a comedy show? Abuse is no laughing matter, is it? Abuse can come in many forms. And sadly, some victims learn to become abusive themselves. This is called identifying with the abuser. This is when you have been abused for so long that you begin to fight back and to abuse your abuser to protect yourself and to survive. In addition to that, when you leave an abusive relationship, you might become an abuser yourself to prevent another abuse. For example, you may become a male or female basher, or you may verbally attack the opposite sex when they have done nothing wrong. I am going to use a story about Sammy, the dog, to show that even an abused dog can become abusive-but can also change for the better when treated well. Although it happened to a dog, the underlying meaning is the same as if it had happened to a person. Years ago, I lived next door to a family with a little white poodle named Sammy. Rain or shine, twenty-four hours a day, Sammy was tied up outside in their yard. I wondered why the family never brought the dog inside at night. Observing the dog through my living room window, I noticed that whenever a family member arrived home from work, the little white dog would approach the person wagging its tail. As it got closer, however, it would tuck its tail between its legs. Every time a car drove by, the poodle would bark at it and make an unsuccessful attempt to chase after the car. The barking became louder and louder. Soon the poodle began barking at anyone who walked by on the sidewalk. The barking would continue even after the person had disappeared from the dog's view. Neighbours began to complain, but the dog's owners didn't care. Fortunately for the dog, a miracle was about to happen. An older couple who lived on the other side of the house asked the poodle's owner if he would be willing to give them the unloved poodle. The poodle's owner agreed, without hesitation. The couple took the dog into their home, fed it, washed it and had it groomed. Instead of keeping the dog outside, they kept in indoors. They gave the little poodle freedom to run around in their backyard. Most importantly, they gave it what was missing in its life-lots of unconditional love. There was no more barking or chasing after cars. How peaceful it was to sit in my living room and not have to listen to that poor dog barking relentlessly. Several weeks later, after a morning run, I saw the older couple walking the poodle. I was certain the dog would bark at me, but when the couple and I greeted each other, the poodle began to wag his tail happily. As we began to chat, Sammy continued wagging his tail and sniffing the ground around us. Not once did he bark! I couldn't help but notice how clean and happy he looked. I was amazed by the remarkable transformation. What Sammy, the poodle, experienced is no different from what many men and women experience in abusive relationships? But unlike Sammy, you as a human can take action to change your circumstances and regain your happiness. If you are, or have been, in an abusive relationship, look at your life. How and why did you allow yourself to be in that situation? Do you have thoughts of revenge or fighting back? These thoughts are normal; it is natural for you to want to protect yourself. But if you can find a way to rise above your ill feelings, you will transcend to a higher level of being that very few have experienced.

Psychological Abuse: Psychological abuse is neither verbal nor physical-though those may also be present. Psychological abuse is about the feeling one has about how he or she has been treated. The abuser is able to go into the victim's head because of the way victims feel about what is being done, or has been done, to them. Often victims make it even more likely for the psychological abuse to persist because they hang on to how they are feeling and what the feeling arouses in them. Psychological abuse is commonly found in victims of physical or verbal abuse. Even when a marriage or relationship has ended, the feeling, the nervousness, the insecurity the abuse caused still remains with the victim. Victims may react strongly to any word or name that their abuser used on them. Below are three examples of psychological abuse.

Example 1: A woman called me. She was furious. She had had enough of her husband. What was the problem? Her husband would tell her how much he loved her but when he went out to visit friends, he would never take her with him. The caller believed that her husband felt she was not good enough to be seen with him.

Example 2: I came home to hear a frantic message on my answering machine asking for a call back right away. When I called, Nick's words were, "Ernesto, I am going crazy. I am stressed. This is the end for my relationship." Yes, he did not greet me. He went directly to the point. After I called and talked with him for an hour, the real problem became clear. Nick was living with a woman who had a male friend. The woman tried to introduce her friend to Nick but Nick did not like the man. He demanded she stop visiting the friend, which she refused to do because she knew him before she met Nick. So whenever she visited the man, she would not ask Nick to come along. He would become upset and at times even angry about these visits. This particular day when he called, he had become overwhelmed by his girlfriend's friendship with the man, and everything he told me were things that he had made up in his own mind, which brought on the psychological abuse.

Example 3: Twelve years after her divorce, Megan would still go into what she refers to as a protective mode when her date would say something like, "Hello, woman." The reason, she explained to me, was this: For fifteen years, she was in a marriage that was verbally and physically abusive. She married young and never knew what it felt like to be loved. Even after she left her husband, Megan had never experienced happiness. So why would she become concerned when she heard the word "woman"? In her own words, when she was married, her then husband would use words like, "You are a woman; you don't know anything." "Shut up; you are just a woman." "What do you know? You are a woman" and so forth. So whenever Megan's date used the word "woman," she became worried that the new man in her life would abuse her. The psychological abuse in this case is that although Megan left her marriage and had been out of it for over a decade, her ex-husband was still in her head and able to abuse her, but this time psychologically. The question now is, can a man date and have a good love relationship without abuse of any form? The answer is yes. I will explain the best way this can be done a little later.

Abuse as a cultural phenomenon: It is not always possible to stop abuse. Neither am I saying that you should make a habit of rewarding a lover or spouse for abusing you. What many people don't realize is physical and verbal abuse of wives is still going strong in many cultures. There are many third-world nations, the so-called developing nations, where spousal abuse is still accepted. For example, a husband might continually beat his wife. Some men still think it is okay for them to abuse their women and children. Then, when the time comes, and the wives have had enough and run to their parents for protection, her parents, particularly her mother, will often send her back to her abuser for the simple reason that he is her husband.

Abuse seems to be accepted to a point when it occurs between parents toward their child. The child is told, "Well, he is your father" or "She is your mother." Another form of this phenomenon that I have encountered recently is some women who believe that certain wives should be beaten by their husbands. The explanation I have been offered is simple: certain women should be beaten because they are stupid, difficult to explain things to, or difficult to reason with, so the husband should beat the stupidity out of them. Those whom I have heard this from are women themselves. Does a person in a love relationship deserve to be abused by the same person whose responsibility it is to protect the companion? No one should accept abuse as a norm. No spouse has the right to abuse the other. Can a victim of abuse put a stop to the abuse? Yes.

When do you put a stop to abuse? Generally, abuse takes shape in stages. My recommendation is to prevent it before it starts. You do so by asserting that you will not tolerate abuse of any form. If it is too late for that, you can still prevent abuse as soon as you notice it. If you allow it to continue, you will find yourself going through the below stages.

The three stages of abuse If you are a victim of abuse who has allowed the abuse to occur for too long, you may find that you have gone through the three stages: the abhorring stage, the tolerating stage and the acceptance stage. Here is a real case to depict these stages.

Abhor stage: Erica, a beautiful, educated young woman, met Tom, a polite but uneducated, hardworking man. Erica did not give herself a chance to get to know Tom. As soon as Tom proposed, she jumped at the chance. Not long into the marriage, Tom began to accuse Erica of cheating and threatened to beat her. Erica thought Tom was bluffing.

Tolerate stage: The accusations began to escalate. Tom referred to his wife of only three months as a bitch and a whore. Soon the beatings began. Erica stayed with Tom. They ended up in a psychiatrist's office. After six sessions, the physical abuse stopped, according to Erica, but she had to call Tom every thirty minutes to inform him where she was. Erica tolerated Tom, hoping that one day he would stop abusing her.

Acceptance stage: When the abuse did not stop, Erica became used to it and accepted what was being done to her. This was followed by making excuses for her abuser. Tom abused Erica frequently. If a couple of weeks went by and Tom did not abuse her, Erica saw this as a good sign that the abuse would stop. Her psychiatrist strongly suggested that she leave her husband within a month. (When I worked with her, I gave her one week to leave her husband.) Erica packed her bags but did not leave Tom.

At the acceptance stage, the victims of abuse regard any small positive change in their abuser's behaviour as a giant step forward, as a signal that the abuse will end. Below are statements that victims of abuse commonly use to justify the abuse and to defend their abuser:

"But I love him or her..." "He or she stopped hitting me..." "I hope he or she will change..." "He or she loves me..." "It is my fault..." If you are a victim, does what you have read sound familiar? Do you abhor the behaviour of the person with whom you live? Or do you now even accept it?

To avoid becoming a victim of verbal or physical abuse at the hands of someone who is supposed to love, protect and care for you. The first time you notice any of the above signs, put a stop to it immediately. Never do anything to make your abuser think that is okay for him or her to abuse you. If you try to put a stop to the abuse without success, end the relationship and move on because most abusers don't change.

Ernest Quansah is the founder of Adult Counselling. He has a certificate in counselling. He has successfully coached many single men and women to find dates leading to successful marriages. He is the author of Do's and Don'ts of Relationships: Nine Steps to a Deeper, Richer Love Relationship. He also offers free consultations on his website.

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What is abuse?

2012-06-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males - but a significant minority are women. This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today, society - for instance, through the court and the mental health systems - largely ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Violence in the family is mostly spousal - one spouse beating, raping, or otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and often victims - either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial groups include the elderly and the disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest - by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives - by destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed - on the abuser - are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people - the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers - they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com; palma@unet.com.mk

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Defend against false allegations of abuse - defence of the fathers

2012-06-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

October is "Domestic Violence" month. The goal of this declaration is to raise awareness about the high level of violence in families. However, it is also be a time to reflect on our laws, the inequities that they create and how you protect yourself against false allegations of abuse in a flawed legal system.

Gender Issues of Domestic Abuse

Today, a war rages over the issue of domestic abuse.

Women's groups contend that they are the primary victims of domestic abuse and have responded by orchestrating campaigns seeking sympathy for their position. These efforts have been amplified by high profile cases of alleged abuse by celebrities such as Ike Turner, O.J. Simpson, Mike Tyson, James Brown, and Tommy Lee. These cases and the campaigns the spawn are often the focus of media outlets around the United States. This attention over the past few decades has resulted in increased awareness of domestic abuse against women, and new laws to prevent domestic abuse - some that focus on women specifically. One of today's most visible examples is the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which came up for reauthorization in Congress this year. This gender specific legislation is one sided but appeals to sentiment and traditional social mores.

By contrast, until recently, men's groups have been significantly less vocal. More recent efforts, however, resulted in the House Judiciary Committee adding gender neutral language to the Violence Against Women Act in July 2005. Nonetheless, abuse against men by women is significantly under-reported for a number of reasons Moreover, men making such claims face a legal system that is significantly less sympathetic in its treatment of men. One thing is certain, compared to women, there are very few social programs or non-profit organizations to provide assistance to male victims of abuse or male victims of false allegations of abuse. Instead, every month seems to spawn new programs, clinics, shelters, advocacy groups, and counseling centers, dedicated to abuse of women issues.

Part of the problem is with statistics. It was once said that there are "lies, damn lies and statistics." Vast resources on domestic abuse exist with staggering disparities in the statistics that they cite. Statistics are, by their nature, manipulable and dependent on proper methodology and a vast myriad of societal variables. Some of the reasons cited for under-reported incidents of domestic abuse by women against men include the social stigma attached to it and the systematic bias against such claims by law enforcement personnel and the court system itself that has a chilling effect on reporting.

Regardless of "who did what to whom more often" arguments, the way in which the legal system addresses such claims paves the way for exploitation by participants making false claims of abuse.

False Allegations of Abuse

One of most significant criticisms of the legal system that addresses domestic abuse, includes the facility and regularity in which false allegations of abuse are made and believed by courts with the primary intent to seek an advantage in divorce and custody proceedings.

One of the major catalysts for this abuse of the system is the broad definition that exists for domestic abuse. Under most statutory schemes, domestic abuse means the intentional and unlawful infliction of physical harm, bodily injury, assault, or the intentional and unlawful infliction of the fear of imminent physical harm, bodily injury, or assault between family or household members, or a criminal sexual act, committed against a family or household member by another family or household member. "Fear of harm" is an extraordinarily subjective standard and one that may be very difficult to combat. A raised voice or a raised had or any gesture that is interpreted as threatening may be used to claim that domestic abuse has occurred. This is problem is compounded for men who are often larger than women and perceived as more aggressive or stronger based on broad societal generalizations that may be reflected in the perceptions of law enforcement officer who make police reports and court room judges who render rulings.

Consequences of Domestic Abuse Claims

Allegations of domestic abuse may have both civil and criminal consequences. In the civil context, an allegation of abuse may result in domestic abuse restraining orders, often called "Protective Orders." They may also have a criminal context related to assault or battery.

The significance of a judicial finding that domestic abuse has occurred is profound. In the context of criminal cases, incarceration or fines may be imposed and "no contact" orders entered which may include requiring the perpetrator to vacate the family residence or to have no contact between a parent and their children. In the civil context, including divorce and custody proceedings, the consequences are equally severe:

Presumption for Custody. Most states carry a statutory presumption that in the event domestic abuse has occurred, the perpetrator of that abuse should not be awarded physical placement or physical custody.

No Mediation of Disputes. It is also often presumed that where domestic abuse has occurred, mediation for family law disputes should not be required.

Restraints on Abusive Behavior. A domestic abuse restraining order will include a restraint precluding the defendant from committing any acts of domestic abuse against the victim.

No Contact & Criminal Violation. Where domestic abuse has been found to occur, the Court will enter a restraining order prohibiting that person from contacting the victim directly or indirectly, whether through letters, e-mail, phone calls or messages through third parties. Any violation of those restraining provisions, regardless of whether the contact is initiated by the victim or not, is a criminal violation which may result in incarceration;

Exclusive Use of Home. As a corollary to the no contact provisions of a domestic abuse restraining order, the defendant is also often excluded from the family residence including any property within that residence regardless of whether the residence or household is jointly or solely owned or leased by the parties. Often the order will make allowances for law enforcement officer to accompany a party to the residence to supervise the removal of limited personal belongings.

Parenting Issues. A domestic abuse restraining order will often also restrict the defendant's contact with children who may have been exposed to the domestic abuse. This may result in no parenting time or supervised parenting time.

Anger Management and Treatment. The Court may also require a defendant to participate in an anger management program, chemical dependency treatment and other therapies as a condition of normalizing contact with his children.

Restriction of Civil Liberties. Additionally, the entry of a domestic abuse restraining order may affect other civil liberties. For example, under the federal "Brady Bill" a perpetrator of domestic abuse is precluded from owning or possessing a firearm for any purpose.

Deportation. A person who has only conditional residency in the United States or who has no legal status in the United States, may be precluded from seeking legal immigration status based on a finding of abuse.

Clearly, when false allegations of abuse are made, the stakes are very high. Ironically, this is contrasted by the low burden of proof necessary for those seeking civil restraining orders involving domestic abuse and the abbreviated manner in which such hearings are generally held.

Protective Orders, Burdens of Proof, and Court Procedure

In most jurisdictions, the proponent that domestic abuse has occurred carries the burden of proving the claim by only a "preponderance of the evidence." A "preponderance" simply means that the party must prove that it is more likely than not that the abuse occurred. This is the lowest legal standard of proof in the court system and a great deal of discretion is left to a trial court in determining whether that standard has been met. All too often, Courts will issue a restraining order on extraordinarily weak evidence in order to err on the side of caution. After all, no Judge seeking reelection wants their picture splashed across the pages of the daily news trumpeting their failure to protect an abused person who is then later assaulted.

It is equally confounding that civil domestic abuse hearings are conducted with little time to prepare, particularly for a defendant, as well as in an abbreviated fashion to accommodate the court's crowded docket. Whereas a person alleging domestic abuse may plan their case ahead, compiling documentation or manufacturing other evidence to support their claims, a defendant is often required to prepare a response to allegations of abuse in one or two weeks or less. When an evidentiary hearing is held, the Court may often limit testimony and evidence to fit the case into its busy schedule, often affording the parties less than an hour or two to present the case. Since procedurally the defendant presents their case second, his time is often extraordinarily limited.

In most jurisdictions, an application for a domestic abuse restraining order will include seeking an ex parte emergency order followed later by more permanent order issued after a return hearing in court. In order for an ex parte restraining order to enter, a person (often assisted by a battered woman's shelter, advocate or domestic abuse office) may file a Motion and Affidavit seeking ex parte relief. Ex parte relief is emergency relief and the allegations considered by the court are one sided without and rebuttal by the person accused. Based on this one sided submission, the Court may issue a temporary restraining order that removes the defendant from the family home, precludes contact between the defendant and the victim and, often the children, and sets the matter for a court hearing in the near future, but often weeks away.

At the return hearing, the parties are advised to bring their witnesses and evidence to address the issues of abuse raised by the ex parte petition. At this hearing, the Court in many jurisdictions will offer a defendant the following options:

Agree to the Restraining Order with no findings that abuse has occurred;

Proceed to an evidentiary hearing to Contest the Allegations.

The first option is often attractive given the low standards of proof that apply at domestic abuse hearings and the significant impact of a finding that abuse has occurred. Remember a finding that domestic abuse has occurred may create a presumption that the person should not be awarded custody of children. Agreeing to a restraining order without any findings of abuse may be a way for the defendant to live to fight another day in family court where there are custody issues involved. The downside of such a concession is that:

a restraining order will enter for as long as a year, unless modified by a subsequent court order, that may restrict contact with the family home and children involved;

any violation of the order results in criminal action, this providing fodder for future false allegations that the order was violated;

the victim may later try to extend the order beyond its current time period and may often do so on flimsy evidence.

The second option, contesting the allegations in court, requires an aggressive defense. All too often crowded domestic abuse calendars result in foreshortened hearings in which a court enters an order that can significantly affect the future rights of a defendant. You should always consider hiring an attorney is such settings to ensure that your rights are protected, that evidence is properly presented and so that inconsistencies in false allegations of abuse may be exposed.

Protecting Yourself Against Allegations of Abuse

Avoid Conflict. In the context of domestic abuse it can be truly said that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When there is marital conflict, particularly when a divorce is threatened, it is important to de-escalate any conflict. Remember, what constitutes a "threat of harm" as it relates to domestic abuse is subjective. Something as innocent as blocking a person's egress from a room so that you can "talk about things" may be interpreted as domestic abuse. Hanging up the telephone on a person for the same purpose, may be sufficient to sustain a domestic abuse order.

Use Witnesses. When a divorce is threatened, it is always a good idea to have independent witnesses available when events are planned that could possibly result in conflict. Even after a conflict a witness may play a role by observing the environmental condition, whether any obvious injuries were suffered or the demeanor of parties involved.

File for a Reciprocal Order. If the allegations of abuse stem from a particular domestic conflict, you may wish to file for a restraining order first. Even if that does not occur, many jurisdictions may allow you to seek an order after the fact resulting in a potential for reciprocal orders. In some jurisdictions the allegations of each petition may be addressed in the same hearing. In others separate hearings are held.

Address the Legal Standard. All too often affidavits are filed seeking a restraining order where the allegation, if proven true, do not meet the legal standard for the entry of a restraining order. As a result, knowing the legal standard in your state can be important. Where insufficiencies in the pleadings are exposed, the case can be dismissed without an evidentiary hearing. For example, allegations that a defendant told a third party that he would harm the victim may be insufficient because it is based on hearsay or other unreliable evidence, and that the threat was not directly made or made with the intent that it would create a fear of harm in the victim. Incidents of abuse that occurred long ago are also often insufficient to support a case for domestic abuse if there are not allegations of current harm or instilling a fear of harm.

Expose Factual Inconsistencies. Once domestic abuse has been alleged, a primary goal would be to expose inconsistencies in the allegations made. The strongest inconsistency would be having a strong alibi for the time in question. Is there any independent evidence to refute the allegations? Did you make a phone call during the time in question that can be borne out by telephone records or independent witnesses? Do you have any store receipts, cash machine receipts, work time sheet or records that can demonstrate your unavailability at the time of the alleged abuse? Are there any potential witnesses who may have seen bruises or injuries allegedly sustained in a domestic incident, dating to times before the incidents alleged?

Expose Documentary Inconsistencies. The more statements a person makes about their allegations of abuse, the greater chance there may be that inconsistencies in their statements will exist. Carefully compare affidavits against police reports or other records that may exist including statements appearing in child protection records or medical treatment reports.

Expose Behavioral Inconsistencies. After domestic abuse has been alleged, it may be critical to point out that the victim acted inconsistently from the way a victim would have reacted. How much time elapsed between the alleged incidents of abuse and the complaint filed? Did the victim initiate friendly contact after the abusive incidents that are alleged? Did the victim allow parenting time after the abusive incidents alleged? Did the victim contact the police, parents, friends or any other individuals at the time or shortly after the alleged incident of abuse occurred? Who did the person call after the alleged incidents of abuse occurred?

Expose Motivation to Fabricate. Any evidence that an alleged victim had a motive to lie is valuable. The most relevant evidence is independent evidence such as letters, e-mails or other documentation from the victim threatening a custody battle or implying that they may allege abuse has occurred.

Challenge General Allegations. Allegations of abuse can often be rambling and generalized so that no specific dates or times are included. Such allegations may be challenges as too general in nature and insufficient to meet the burden of proving that abuse occurred with a preponderance of the evidence.

Object to New Allegations. Many Court will not allow a victim to supplement her initial pleadings with new allegations at the time of the hearing. This often occurs where the victim's initial allegations were generalized or where she feels that the case is not going well. An objection may be made that the testimony being presented is outside the scope of the original pleadings and, as a result, prejudices the defendant's ability to respond. In many jurisdictions, such testimony may be excluded.

Presenting Your Case

At a return hearing, the court will hear evidence related to the allegations of abuse. Before that occurs, the Court may ask the defendant if he objects to the entry of the protective order or if he will agree to its entry without any findings that abuse occurred. After establishing that a hearing must be held, the Court may instruct the parties that they have a limited amount of time to present their case.

The petitioner or plaintiff is the person making the allegations of abuse. That person would present their case first by calling their witnesses to testify and presenting any supporting evidence through those witnesses.

The respondent or defendant is the person defending against the allegations of abuse. He will have the opportunity to make objections to testimony or evidence that is improperly offered and to cross examine any witnesses that testify including the petitioner. During direct examination, listen for testimony that is not based on personal experience. Such testimony should be objected to as inadmissible hearsay. Key phrases to listen for to identify hearsay statements include: "she said"; "I was told"; "I learned"; "it said."

When documents are presented as evidence, listen to the testimony to determine whether there has been any foundation laid for the document presented. "Foundation" means that the witness has testified to establish facts demonstrating that there is a sufficient basis to believe the document is authentic and reliable. If not, you may object to the exhibit as "lacking foundation." A witness may also not testify to the content of a document unless and until it has been offered and accepted by the court as an exhibit.

With regard to your cross examination, it is important to prepare an outline of questions for each witness that you will cross examine including the testimony that you intend to illicit. In cross examination, you should focus on exposing inconsistencies in the petitioner's claims including the timing of the events alleged, location where they occurred, persons present, inconsistent behaviors of the victim after the alleged incident, motives for the witness or victim to lie, and inconsistencies with other statements made by the victim. In cross examination, you do not argue with the witness. You will have the chance to present your own version of facts as part of your case in chief. Instead, cross examination questions should be leading and state a particular fact. Or example, instead of asking the open ended questions of "what happened." You should tell the witness what happened. Some examples include:

"Isn't it true that you spoke with the victim in preparing for your testimony today?"

"In fact, you spoke to her more than once?"

"You consider her a friend of yours?"

"You would like to see her prevail today, isn't that right?"

"Isn't it true that you weren't present at the time the abuse alleged occurred?"

"Isn't it true that the only information that you have comes from what the victim told you?"

After the petitioner has presented all of her witnesses, the court will afford you the opportunity to present your case. At that time you would call any witnesses testifying on your behalf. You would question those witnesses first. After your questioning is completed, the other party has an opportunity to cross examine them. It is generally not a good idea to call a witness who may be hostile to your position or who have do not know what they will say. You should prepare your witnesses in advance by discussing the potential questions that you will ask each of them and what you believe may be asked by the opposing party on cross examination.

Direct examination of your own witnesses is vastly different from cross examination. On direct examination, your witness is the star. You should ask them open ended questions and allow them to explain to the court what occurred in narrative fashion. You cannot lead them. A good question may be as simple as "what happened next?"

When presenting evidence such as a photo or a document, you must establish foundation for that record through your witness. Having good documentary evidence is entirely useless, if you cannot have it admitted into evidence. Foundation may be established by demonstrating how and when the record or photo was created and that it is a true and accurate depiction of the statements or images it represents. For example, foundation questions may follow a pattern similar to the example below:

"Your honor, may I approach the witness?" (You may have to have the exhibit marked by the clerk if that was not done in advance of the hearing. That means a sticker is placed on the record with a number or letter on it identifying it as "exhibit 1" or "exhibit A").

"Mr. Jones, I am showing you what has been marked as Exhibit 1. Do you recognize this photograph?"

"Who took the photograph?"

"When was it taken?"

"Were you present at that time."

"Is it a fair and accurate depiction of the home on that day?"

(After foundation has been laid, you publish the photograph by showing it to the opposing party or counsel and move the court for its admission into evidence.) "Your honor, defendant offers Exhibit 1."

(Once the exhibit has been accepted into evidence, only then may you question the witness about its contents).

After the defendant has called their last witness, they would rest. At that time, the Court may allow the parties to make short closing arguments why they believe the court should or should not enter the protective order. This is a time to summarize the weaknesses in the evidence and to argue that the plaintiff has not met her burden of proof under the statute.

After these brief arguments, the Court will issue its ruling.

Conclusion.

There is no silver bullet to prevent you from being a victim of false allegations of abuse. The threat will continue to exist so long as the present definitions of abuse and legal standards of proof remain in place without additional procedural protections. As a result, it is extremely important to be vigilant for the warning signs that allegations of abuse may be made and, if they are made, being aggressively proactive in contesting them.

[http://www.divorceinstitute.com]

Maury D. Beaulier is a criminal defense and DWI attorney licensed in Minnesota and Wisconsin. He is recognized as a leader in DWI defense and can be reached from his website at http://www.dwicounsel.com

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Abuse revealed, what happens if you are being abused?

2012-06-06T04:08:00.001-07:00

Abuse is not a rare problem, it is just rarely admitted as one. It has no boundaries, affecting people of all ages, races, gender, culture, religious and economic backgrounds. For the sake of simplicity, reference is made to the one being abused as the female gender, and the abuser as in the male gender, but understand that both male and females can become victims of abuse. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that "females suffer significantly more injuries than males." Only a few of the different forms of abuse are mention here: physical, financial, sexual, verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Often, the harm that is inflicted by batterers is more than physical, so you will find that abuse comes in many forms. Abuse is more than just being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Emotional and psychological abuse will be grouped together because they are almost synonymous. I am not a doctor, just an abused woman who has recovered from many years of subjecting myself to people whom I have allowed in my life to abuse me. I am a woman who has taken a stand and said "Abuse No More!". After reading this, and you have identified with one being abused, my goal is to strengthen you as you deal with the situation at your own pace. I am not here to coax you to leave your mate, neither pressure you to stay in an abusive relationship when your health, life, and/or spirituality is being threatened.

So what is abuse? Abuse, simply put, is being treated badly. As humans, we all have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. We all deserve to live our lives free of abuse. There is never an excuse for abuse and abuse is a very serious problem! When we look at an abusive relationship, one of the patterns that is almost always seen is that there is almost always one person that is the abuser, and the other the abused. The abuser typically has more power in the relationship, because the abuser simply wants to control the abused. The abused, the one with less power in the relationship, is usually the one who ends up hurting, either emotionally, physically, sexually or financially. The abuser does not have to always be the one to initiate the argument, the sexual act, or arrange the financial situation. Even if the abused were the ones to initiate the argument, almost always the abused is the one who ends up getting hurt. So if you consistently have less power in your relationship, most likely there is a pattern of abuse there.

Your abuser can be anyone: your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, employer, child, parent, or caregiver.

Please review the checklist below, be honest with yourself as you read it, and ask yourself the questions. If any of these indicators exist in your relationship, you may be in an abusive relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, use these indicators as "red flags" to assist in identifying a possibly abusive person:

-Does your partner monitor what you are doing all the time?

-Are you criticized for small things?

-Do you feel nervous around your partner?

-Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?

-Does he constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?

-Do you feel pressured when it comes to sex?

-Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?

-Does he prevent you or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to school or work?

-Do you feel uncomfortable being out with your friends or family when he's not around, and feel the need to explain yourself to him although you were doing nothing wrong?

-Does your partner humiliate you in front of others?

-Are they always checking up or questioning you about what you do without them?

-Does he get angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs?

-Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?

-Does your partner's jealousy stop you from seeing friends and family?

-Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, crazy, stupid, or inadequate?

-Does your partner control how you spend your money? Or your use of needed medicine?

-Does your partner destroy your property or things that you care about?

-Does he threaten to hurt you, or the children, or pets, or does he hurt you by biting, pinching, hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, smothering, kicking, punching, or pulling your hair?

-Do you feel with your partner that nothing you ever do is good enough?

-Have you ever been scared, or threatened by violent outburst?

-Does your partner prevent you from going out doing the things you want to do?

-Are you expected to do things to please your partner rather than please yourself?

-Do you always feel like you have to "make things right"?

-Are you the blame for his violent outburst or bad behavior, is everything always your fault?

If you are being abused, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. You may blame yourself for what is happening. You are never responsible for your partners abusive actions, no matter what others might say. Abuse, is a choice. Abuse is not your fault and you deserve better! If you feel like any of these indicators exist in your relationship, following we will be examining each form of abuse so that you will have help identifying what kind of abuse you may be experiencing.

1.Physical Abuse: is physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It is involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm. It can include assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint. This can be hitting, grabbing, biting, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon.

2.Financial Abuse: A form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. The abuser may deny his partner money by forbidding his partner to work, or if she does work requiring her to hand her paycheck over to him. Any money that the abused may receive has to be accounted for by her to her abuser. The abuser may not allow her to see bank records or bills or credit cards. Some abusers refuse to work putting burden upon the partner to keep up the household. Financial abuse can also include making you buy things that you can not afford, taking your savings or retirement, having the abusers name on all your property such as cars, houses, mobile homes, or apartments, stealing your bank cards, or credit cards, getting you evicted, controlling all the money.

3.Sexual Abuse: includes rape, incest, attempted rape, or unwanted touching. The legal definition of forcible rape varies from state to state. However, it is generally viewed as penetration by force or threat of force of a body orifice, including the rectum, mouth or vagina. Penetration includes foreign objects and body parts, such as fingers. Most sexual assaults go unreported because the abused feel it was ultimately their fault and they may be viewed differently by friends and family. Men abuse women, women abuse men, sexual assault occur in all types of relationships, married and unmarried. Sexual assault is a criminal activity that the abuser uses to seek control and power in order to humiliate the abused. Whether the abuse is unwanted touching or forcible rape, the end result is physical and psychological violence to the abused. Directly after an assault, notify the police. Do NOT shower, bathe, douche, or destroy clothing, or straightened up the area where the abuse occurred. These acts may alter or destroy important evidence. Go to your nearest hospital or emergency room.

4.Verbal Abuse: a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. Oral communication is the most common form of verbal abuse, but it also includes words in written form. If you are constantly being compared to others and told you are not good enough, put down or being called out of your name, you may be experiencing a form of verbal abuse. Other forms of verbal abuse are using words to shame the abused, yelling, swearing, screaming at the abused, using threats to intimidate the abused, blaming the abused, saying whatever it takes to play on the abused person's emotions.

5.Emotional and Psychological Abuse: includes all kinds of hurtful behaviors, words, insults, or actions designed to cause fear by manipulating, intimidating, threatening, or isolating the one being abused. It occur when one's feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or friendships are made out to be unimportant compared to the abuser's. Tactics may include putdowns and denial that previous incidents actually happened. It is characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that is psychologically harmful. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing, it systematically wears away at your self confidence, your self-worth, your trust, and your self-concept, your self-esteem. This type of abuse does not leave physical bruises but it scars the souls of the ones being abused, it cuts the core of a person, it may leave deep emotional scars, causing feelings of worthlessness. Women who have been emotionally abused say that it is even more damaging and harder to heal than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is very hurtful and many women who are being emotionally abused do not realize what is happening to them.

Abuse can have very damaging effects on the one being abused. The effects may include:

- depression

- lack of motivation

- confusion

- difficulty concentrating or making decisions

- a loss of enthusiasm

- a loss of self-confidence

- low self-esteem

- distrust of future relationships

- feelings of failure

- feelings of worthlessness and/or hopelessness

- a growing self-doubt

- self-destructiveness

- a desire to escape or runaway

- self blame

- a internal "critical voice"

- anxiety or fear of being crazy

- a feeling of not being "good enough"

- eating and sleeping disorders

So now you've identified the type of abuse you're experiencing. It may be more than one, or just one form. Your abuse may be infrequent, but keep in mind that over time abuse always tends to escalate. When we love someone we tend to make excuses for their behavior, we always want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You can not stop your partners abuse, but you can find help or support for yourself. What are your next steps? You have options. You first need to determine whether you want to leave or stay. Whether you leave, or stay, you should develop a safety plan. Your safety plan should include:

-Who you can call in the event of a crisis

-If you need to flee temporarily, where can you go? Think of several different places and write down the addresses and phone numbers, and keep them with you.

-If you need to flee from home, have an escape route at all times.

-Have a safe place, someone or someplace you can trust, for important paperwork in case you have to flee. Example: birth certificates, health records, social security cards, etc

-Have a safe place for credit cards, extra cash, an extra set of keys, extra clothing and comfort items

-Teach the children to call the police and/or family members

-Change locks on doors and windows

-Install a security system

-Is a restraining order an option?

-Have numbers and addresses to local community and legal resource centers

-Review the safety of your childcare arrangements

There are many support groups and domestic violence organizations that are here to assist you. If you need help, contact your local police station or the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

Finding help for yourself is key. Becoming in tune with your higher power, whether through prayer or another source, is also another effective way in coping with your emotional anxieties. You are in a situation that you may feel is beyond your ability or control and it brings with it emotional anxieties.

So now that you have identified the signs, identified the form, and have developed a plan, what are your next steps to recovery? How do you break the cycle of abuse, instead of going from one abusive relationship to another? How do you reclaim your life, and get over the pain? How do you move on from an abusive relationship, and build yourself back up? Please visit my website and download my new ebook, "Getting Past the Pain: a woman's guide to healing" for more information.

The author is a successful business woman and entrepreneur recovering from an abusive relationship. In her current busness, she vows to help other women that have undergone similar circumstances. In addition she offers esteem workshops for adolescent and teen girls. Visit her online at http://www.comtreeconsulting.com Her new ebook is now available for download.

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