This is what crazy looks like!

Something to consider

2015-06-23T11:13:00.002-05:00

Living on the Edge

2012-05-03T02:56:00.003-05:00

I don't live my life on the edge. Not even 2 steps from the edge. I'm a "safety first" kind of girl. I don't accessorize with goggles and hard hat but I do keep my heart away from people. I don't make eye contact in case someone actually wants to look me in the eye. I make sure I have exit routes from conversations and I don't invest in the pricey hair cuts, jeans or shoes that may make me look approachable.

I tuck my head down and do as little as possible investing in relationships. Not for lack of trying to have a relationship because it would be nice to have one in the next 50 or so years. Even if it's a mail order husband from Cuba. Though they tend to be small and I like my men big and burly.

All these precautions are so I don't get hurt. I have never really put myself out there so I could meet people (friend or otherwise) and so it's my own fault.

Drinking got me boyfriends, missing clothing, hangovers, unpaid bills and a husband. Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into. I can be very convincing. But drinking never gave me confidence the next morning or the day after that. And any confidence I did have was quickly drained away when my bipolar stinkin' thinkin' started telling me I was a piece of shit; ugly, fat and stupid.

As I've gotten older, I've definitely been able to call bullshit on my inner voices. I know that I'm not that bad. I have some redeeming qualities but not enough to get me out of my head.

So danger....I want to live dangerously. I'd really like to be one of those people that will get a wild hair and find myself diving off a bridge but anyone who knows me knows that I just could not relinquish that much control to something like that. To chance...

But I think, if I'm going to find happiness I'm going to have to take that chance. I guess I thought that moving 60+ miles West, I was going to just fall into something different and life changing. And it has been life changing but not enough to find a partner. I've changed careers, friends and hairstyles and I still can't get a date. I fear my role in life is to be the mother figure and asexual.

Ghost in the closet

2012-05-03T02:50:00.004-05:00

I've always wondered what it would be like to have ghosts in the closet. Would it make me more exotic, an air of mystery? I do have some ghosts in the closet but none of them make me feel anything more then shame.

There are the small things like swiping Post-It notes from work. Everyone does that (right???). All the way up to grand theft auto. <~~~~~~not really. I'm too much of a chicken shit to try something like that.

I've stolen peoples time and love. I've borrowed their patience and support. I've murdered relationships and trust. All because I'm not willing to ask for help. Instead, I steal and then ask for more.

What makes me do that, I wonder? I guess I think that little bits of people's time and love is all I'm worth. If I was to be completely honest and giving with people they would end up stealing my soul. Nothing scares me more then the thought that someone is going to find out what kind of person I am and want nothing to do with me anymore.

Its happened twice before but rightfully so. I lost my 2 best friends with my drinking. The drinking got me through the first couple months of the divorce but not in a healthy way. And I was spinning out of control. I was taking people down with me.

So I lost one of my best friends because I was abusing our friendship. I was needy but withholding. And I was calling drunk and being conformational when I was called on stuff. She has a beautiful daughter and I was not a good influence. So she stopped talking to me. What makes it worse (4 years later) is that she works where I do and I saw her occasionally. I'm sober and have been for almost 5 years. I'm a better person then I ever was but I don't get to share my hopes and dreams and sadness with her. She is the kind of friend that would literally do anything for you (if you nurture that friendship). I don't get to have her or her daughter in my life. I deserve losing her and I believe that I deserve to not have her in my life. But I miss her.

My other best friend stuck with me through our other best friend stopped talking to me but my 2nd friend stopped talking to me after I stopped drinking. She was my fun friend. She had kids but loved going out. She liked shopping and eating at cool restaurants. She and I were the same type of drinker and I kind of hold out judgement that she is an alcoholic but she could not handle me getting sober. So she stopped talking to me. I miss her because she was fun and a lot like me. But I don't miss the anxiety I had with some of the things she did. It was not going to be a healthy relationship after I stopped drinking.

But my relationships with family and friends I have now are different. I still beg, borrow and steal. But I think I'm being a better friend. I try to be aware of what I'm taking compared to what I give. I do know that I don't have a friendship in my life that equals the other 2. I think I hurt so much from that, that I just have never given of myself as I did then. But that's me and something I need to change if I want to have the same friendship I had.

And I've kind of hidden myself from others so much that I don't think I have the opportunities to create healthy relationships. And I believe I have to work hard to achieve that. I have to look for opportunities to get engaged with others. I have to find the courage to do that. For awhile there I had a very lonely existence. But that's on me.

I'm being given opportunities lately to meet new people. And I find myself being suddenly shy. The thing that I kind of hide the most is that I am so very, painfully, shy. Most people in my life would laugh at that; I usually come across as aggressive. But I actually hate getting in a room of people that I know none of them. So I get through it by being outgoing because then I know how the situation is going to at least go on my part. Yet another way I'm controlling.

Being in a new city doesn't help. Especially with no job. I don't know anyone and so I sit at home and try really hard to not eat everything nailed down. I try to make eye contact when I'm out in public but I'm not sure I want to buddy up with anyone in my apartment complex or even in the local WalMart...call me a snob. So that leaves me but one option and it's not to go to friendfinder.com...I'm going to have to get a job.

I'll let that settle in for a second...

Yes, I mean it. It's been 4 months today since my last day of work and I can honestly say that I haven't looked for a job until last week and I'm not sure what spurred that other then boredom. I have a routine, for the most part, and I am starting to get bored with it. Not to mention it's starting to get expensive. My savings is dwindling and I don't have the luxury of adding to it so I can spend freely. So, I put my resume together and I have been spending about 2-3 hours a day going through the paper (actual paper), the paper's website and any other job search website. Some are a total rip off and I'm surprised people will pay what they want but others have been pretty good. Of course, I haven't heard from any of the 19 applications/resumes I have submitted in the last week but I'm optimistic that I'll hear from some of them.

And I'm thankful that I don't have ghosts in the closet because I can only assume that I am running an uphill battle to get a mid paying job in a town of 124,000 people that about 1/2 are looking for work. The lady that cuts my hair is looking for work and has applied for some of the same jobs I've applied for. I personally think I'm better qualified but whose to say that? She's my competition and now it gets serious. I have to find the best way to sell myself and that is never easy...

Well, I guess that's that...I'm tired of a certain someone complaining that I don't post anything so...here you go. Nothing funny or exciting but at least it'll give you something to do for 10 minutes while you're at work. You're welcome...

Tick Tock goes the Clock

2012-03-08T00:25:00.002-06:00

Since I quit my job and moved to a different city, my health has actually taken on a whole new outlook. True, I'm off my meds and that scares me. I shouldn't say off my meds. I take them every couple of days instead of every day. Mostly because I only have a 3 month supply and if I get a job, it'll be 3 months before I would get insurance. IF they give me insurance. AND this is IF I find one very very soon. So, I've been self medicating and only taking my pills every few days.

On the upside - I really don't feel like I'm in danger of crashing and burning. I truly do think that I'm in a good state mentally. With that said, I'm not a good judge of that. So I'm depending on others to keep me honest.

Health-wise now... I'm feeling like a real person for a change. I don't have bathroom issues like I used to. And let me clarify that...I don't sit on a toilet for hours out of my day; every day. I still get headaches but nowhere near the frequency I used to and now, I can sleep them off with no guilt that I'm missing work.

But one thing I have noticed that I don't like is the sleeping. When I was on regular pills for the bipolar, I slept. Sometimes for 10+ hours a day. And never felt refreshed in the morning so I would have to take a stimulant to get going. Now, I have the exact opposite issue. I'm sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night and never in a row. I can get about 45 minutes to an hour down but then I'm awake and rolling around in bed for another hour to 90 minutes. But I wake up refreshed; with only taking a nap in the afternoon very infrequently.

Then there are the bad nights. Nights where I don't sleep AT ALL. I used to do this every so often while on my meds. But the next day would be hell. I couldn't control my body temperature, my nose ran all the time and I constantly felt like I was going to fall out of my skin at any given moment. I did not like missing sleep while on my pills.

Off the pills, I will probably go a night or two a week with no sleep and not really have any side effects the next day. On a rare occasion (like tonight), I won't be able to get to sleep the next night either. And I'll have to resort to taking something for sleep the 3rd night to just get to sleep. Those are the times I hate because I feel so drugged the next day. Tonight, I've been up for over 38 hours and I don't think I'm going to be able to get to sleep tonight naturally. I've tried meditating but then laid in bed for 45 minutes before giving up and getting on here. I'm sipping herbal "Night Night" tea as I type.

While my body probably shouldn't be without sleep this long, I have to say that I am getting shit done. I've lived here almost 2 months now and I finally got all unpacked last night. I've been settled since the first couple of weeks but I still had a lot of boxes hanging around and I just didn't feel like getting into them. Last night, I busted them out and then some. Here is why I don't mind not sleeping every so often:

Last night I did the following:
1. Unpacked 4 boxes and put everything away.
2. Went through entire closet and took out all clothes that no longer fit or I don't want them anymore.
3. I hung up all my laundry that I did about a week and a half ago.
4. Put together laundry to be done the next day
5. Organized my paperwork for my new business
6. Did a load of dishes in the sink and in the machine
7. Scrubbed the tub and toilet
8. Took a long shower and shaved
9. Watched 3 movies
10. Laid out all the pictures I wanted on the wall and prepared to do them during the day
11. Put together a list of To Do for the next day
12. Painted my toes

You get the picture. I was busy and I felt great. I actually really hoped that I would work myself so hard last night and today that I would actually have to drag my butt to bed tonight and barely make it there. Now, I don't know that I have ever done that but it sure sounds nice. And its amazing what you can get done if you use the entire 24 hours in a day. I actually had some down time and didn't want to waste it watching TV so I picked up one of the 14 books I have checked out from the library and read for an hour or two.

During the day, today, I did a huge To Do list of 14 things and then some. I started to droop around 9:30pm and crawled into bed. Only to lay there until almost 11pm before giving up and getting up. I'm exhausted but just not sleepy. The weird thing is that I actually feel fine right now. I feel like I could go get a lot of other things done and still be OK the next day but I really just don't want to do that. I want to sleep.

And I guess it boils down to the fact that I feel cheated. I would give my left nut to be able to just drift off to sleep fairly soon after laying down and sleep a nice restful sleep throughout the entire night. Instead, I sleep the sleep of the dead for those 45 minutes every 90 minutes or so and wake up cramped and feeling like all the joints in my body are under a low throbbing magnet and it always feels like I can't find that right spot to lay in. I spend most of my day massaging my neck, shoulders and elbows because I can't sit still; they feel restless and discontent (sound familiar?).

My fear is that there is something wrong and I need to go to the doctor. But, since no job and then no insurance, I'm left with nothing I can do other then down large amounts of Alleve/Advil, lay on the couch with a heating pad on one of those areas for hours on end and buying those sticky heat pads so I can walk around and leave the house.

So, I'm going to sign off with the hopes that at this exact time (12:22am CST) I will be able to go lie down and go to sleep. I've been up since 9am Tuesday morning. I've drunk a large cup of some crappy herbal tea that touts it's to help you sleep. I'll eat my words tomorrow if it works; and then go buy it in bulk.

Night Night

Catch Up

2011-12-19T14:23:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I think I should just shut this down because 1 of 2 things are probably true. 1)No one actually reads these and 2)I talk about the dumbest shit sometimes. I find this to be cathartic most of the time. I like to think that I have SOME funny things to say and maybe a lessons learned....but most of the time I just feel like writing about something and getting it out of my head. Today is a bit of both.

A couple of weeks ago my Mom gave us a scare. She exhibited symptoms of a stroke. Just lost memory of a whole previous week. She vomited on the way to the hospital. Didn't know what the date or year was. Thought her father was still alive. Very scary things.

My Dad called me after some of the tests came back negative and explained to me what had happened. He was trying to stay calm and keep me calm too but it was not working and I ended up sitting on the floor in WalMart because I was starting to freak out. Needless to say I ignored my Dad's commands to just wait til morning and then come over to Topeka. I made it in less then an hour to the hospital. I spent a few days there and then went home. Ends up that she just has high blood pressure and they felt that that was why she showed symptoms of a stroke. Either way, she's on meds, exercise and regular doctor's appointments.

But this scared me. I love my parents but I also love to poke fun at them and at their expense. Most kids do it to some degree so I feel safe in the knowledge that it is normal. But joking aside, I love my parents very much and really have come to depend on them. Their support, love and money for the toll road. And without them, I would be lost around getting a square meal or 4 in a month, the occasional tank of gas and lots of kidding about sleeping in on the weekends.

Now, I'm 37 years old. I should be self sufficient and for the most part I am. But the free gas, dinners and entertainment is not something I can turn down. I mean really. But I do feel like I've regressed to an early 20's female. I have managed to run out of money each 2 weeks. I don't have a relationship so am not emotionally invested with someone other then my weird dog Willow. I lean on my ex-husband to help me make decisions on things that would allow me to become more independent. I have managed to run off friends because I am slow to respond to things because I'm engrossed in something "important" at the time and just forgot. And I've managed to turn my desire to excel at a job to an almost dismal zero.

I hate my job. I've been with the company almost 12 years and I started off strong and got stronger until about 2 years ago. Now this is going to sound like an excuse but I got a new boss 2 years ago and from then on I've coasted and coasted and just about burned. I hate my job. And this is so forgien to me, I used to adore my job. nights, weekends, all times of the day and night. It was important to me to be a hard worker, to go above and beyond and to do it right the first time.

Now, there is no passion in my job. I don't work nights and weekends and I have no pleasure from the end results in my work. I'm a nothing and I'm completely hallowed out.

Lots of reasons for this and none of them important to this tale but suffice to say, I've checked out. And I'm not doing me any favors and definitely not my company. But this has given me the idea to do something different. And this leads me back to the story above. I want to make sure that my Mom (and Dad) are taken care of and are well and I feel like I can't do that from here. I can't be available as easily. So, I came to a decision. I'm going to quit my job and move to Topeka (about 80 minutes away). And I do realize how much that sounds like an excuse and I hate that.

I have been looking for a job here in Overland Park, KS for about 9 months. Its been a hard search with NO results. Finding a job here is going to be close to impossible. But I started thinking that finding a job somewhere else may have a better result. So I started thinking about where. Alaska came up on the list. As did Colorado. North Carolina....But when Mom's issue happened, Topeka rose to the top.

Topeka has about 125,000 people in it (as says Dad) and my parents know about 1/3 of them it seems like. Topeka is not a great city or culture center but what they do have going for them is their standard of living is about 1/2 of what Johnson County is. I can afford to be in Topeka better then Overland Park. And by knowing so many people, I kind of hope that my parent's connections may benefit me.

So....decision made. Parents are fighting it a bit and I think its more the job situation then me being there although I'm still not 100% on that. But I have an apartment picked out and all I have to do is put the money down. And decide on a date.

And job-wise....my current job has been given notice (as of today) and we're discussing the date for effective. I have several days I need off and that way warrant them just making the date effective immediately. But this is a huge weight off my shoulders. I've absolutely HATED working there for the last 6 months or so. It was effecting my health; both mental and physical.

Finding a new job is going to be hard. Mainly because it's Christmas for the next 2 weeks and no one is probably hiring but I'm putting out resume's and asking for interviews. I'm going to make a ton less then I make now but that's to be expected in Topeka. I actually look forward to the less responsibilities and not having to spend hours making decisions that ultimately someone else would change. Frustrating to be working in the corporate environment that lends itself to politics and rework.

My goal is to be in an apartment by the middle of January. That means a whole lot of packing and purging over the next month. And I should have the time to do so....

I guess this sounds like I'm running away from something and that I'm burying my head in the sand but in reality, this is me saving myself. I need to start over and I need to learn to do it the right way now. I need to find myself (<~~~cheesy, I know.....)

Wish me luck, I need it and I need to know you hope that for me. Don't give up on me, I really think this is best for me. And come see me. It's just a trip up the interstate and I'd be glad to show you all the WalMart people that show up in your in-box. I feel pretty confident that some of the ones I see in Topeka will make this website.

Click here to see People of WalMart

Calling Dr Whatshisname

2011-12-05T11:46:00.000-06:00

Friday night was fun. I was in Wal-Mart picking up some RedBox movies and snacks for the weekend, when I got a call from my Dad. Mom was in the hospital and they hadn’t ruled out a stroke but they hadn’t agreed that that was what happened.

Mom was fine until 3:00 that afternoon and then everything became fuzzy. Literally. Friends of my parents called at the perfect time (right at the start of the “event”) and rushed her to the hospital. She couldn’t remember things. She knew her birthday but not the date or year. She thought her Dad was still alive. She couldn’t remember the last week, including Thanksgiving and our shopping sprees. She knew Dad but other than that, it was a blank. Around 6:00pm, Dad called me and told me what happened. I was a rock at first, I mean, it really didn’t seem real. I was in the ice cream aisle when he said she didn’t remember Thanksgiving or all the shopping we did. That’s when I sat down in the ice cream aisle. I lost it a little bit then. But when my dad started to cry a bit, I stood up and walked out of Wal-Mart and got in the car. He stressed to me that I didn’t need to come over; wait until morning. I told him that I was going to stop at home, grab some things and then drive over; I ignored his comments about waiting until morning. Like I was going to let my Mom be in the hospital without me being there to make sure she was taken care of. You must be joking.

I talked to my brother on the way over to Topeka and sobered him up real quick. My brother isn’t close to my parents. Never has been really. But I think this scared him a little bit and I’m hoping that it was for the better. He blames my parents for things that they really didn’t know they were doing nor had no control over. I forgave my parents years ago because they did what they could at the time. Now, they would be different parents; as they are. But my brother holds grudges. Plus, he’s a guy. Guy’s don’t keep touch with their parents as much as women. I think both Mom and Dad realize that. They still wish he would call more often.

I stayed in Topeka through Saturday late night and then came home. It was nice to sleep in my own bed. My plan was to go back to Topeka on Sunday and make sure she gets home OK. She wasn’t released until 3:00 on Sunday and wanted to just go home and either take a nap or just go to bed. I think I would have been in the way if I had gone over. But I still felt bad that I couldn’t be there for her. But I know Dad did a good job!

My mother is 64 and way too young to have a stroke. Thankfully, it was not a stroke. It might have been a TIA but they really aren’t sure what happened. She had high blood pressure; extremely high, so they think it was because of that. And the number one symptom of a stroke is high blood pressure. This could happen again and worse. She is going to have to start taking high blood pressure meds (high cholesterol too) and hope that it keeps the pressure down enough that she doesn’t have another “event”. They are going to buy a treadmill to help both of them lose weight. But my mother still can’t remember some things. She has no memory of Friday at all. But she seems OK with that; the alternative is much worse.

My parents don’t take medication; other then the occasional antibiotic they pick up at the Walgreen’s pharmacy nurse on duty for their bronchitis. My dad hasn’t been to a doctor since 1986. And he’s proud of that fact. He will never go to the doctor on his own; I’m thinking about dosing him with a couple of my meds just to get his ass in a gurney and poked by a doctor. I honestly thought it would be him that would have the first issue that needed medical attention. Not that I want to bring harm to either of my parents but it scares me how lazy they are with their health.

I talk to my mom on a daily basis. We talk “officially” twice a week; every Wednesday night and Sunday night, on Skype. But if I don’t actually talk talk to her, we email back and forth daily. It’s me doing most of the calling because I’m bored or something has happened and I need her advice. Other times, I just want to talk to her. And sometimes….she talks me off the ledge; sometimes literally. She is my best friend. There are some things I don’t talk to her about. But for the most part, my mom knows everything about me. I’m not embarrassed by my mom (well, sometimes I am) and I like to tell people how close we are. It makes me proud to tell them what we do, say and feel about each other. And the thought of losing my mom made me go weak. Who would love me like she does? What would I do when I had a question about sewing something and tell her to go get her computer so I could show her what I’m talking about? Where would I get the random gift in the mail or email that makes me laugh? When would someone hug me hard even though they know it bothers me? Who would do those things for me? My mother is the only one that I know of that would. And she is a great mother.

So, Mom…..please take your pills. Please go to doctor’s appointments. And please live for another 100 years because I’m not sure what I would do if you weren’t here to take care of me…even as old as I am, I need my Mommy.

Her Highness

2011-11-09T14:50:00.000-06:00

Bleh

2011-11-02T12:37:00.000-05:00

Work is going better but that's because I've stopped wishing it was different and just working at what I have the ability to change. I think I'm going to be OK at work but I also need to make sure everyone else knows that. But nothing fantastic about it. Just maintaining...

Home life is OK. I'm still getting used to a roommate. Only been 3 months so I'm learning. I spend a lot of time in my room because I just don't want to watch as much TV as she does. Plus I have projects to work on that take more of my time and its easier to be somewhere a little quieter. We had one knock down drag out and that was because of me. I walking into the conversation mad about it and I took it out on her. We're still tip toeing around each other for that. I "won" but at what cost? So....just maintaining.

Money is MUCH worse. My student loan kicked in and I can't get it to "turn off". So I am paying a lot of money I don't really have to do this. I need to do some calling and I need to work with them to get it lowered at least....but, I'm maintaining (barely)

My desire to lose weight hasn't diminished but my willingness had. The last week (which is never a determining factor for me) has me doing all the right things. Walking every day, cutting WAY back on soda and eating regular, healthy meals. I've lost 7 pounds but since I'm never consistent, this could go away. So I'll say I'm maintaining for now. Give me another 2 weeks and I'll start talking.

Willow is probably the only thing that I feel I am excelling at. Every day we get closer and she starts to trust me more. I actually got her on her back the other day so I could rub her belly. Lasted for all of 20 seconds but it was there....We're definitely bonding. Holding on to maintaining because I think we're almost excelling.

Christmas is 54 days away. I'm putting up my tree this weekend. I know, I know...it's too early but I'm a rebel. I like to go against what others do. So I will probably put it up and just listen to Christmas music until New Years Eve...I love this time of the year. Never did before, felt it was too much pressure to get the right gift and have the perfect tree. Now, I have a fake tree that leans to the left and ornaments that don't match. Still try to match and look perfect but the overall effect is that I love watching the lights stay solid...hope to do more then maintain.

That's about it....

This is now, in fact, my spot

I alone, can keep the world at bay

Thinng

2011-10-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'm on the bandwagon for this website way after people have discovered it but I've been using for a few weeks and I love when I find a nugget of fun. I'm going to post here the few I've found and just let you bask in my coolness:

I think this one is my favorite

2nd Favorite

My Thinng

Only a mother could love her looks

2011-09-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

I absolutely adore Willow. I loved The Dogs (Mighty Milo and Sissy Girl); I don't think anyone would argue that. But they were old when they passed. I really don't remember them as puppies. I mean there are specific episodes that I remember but I just remember them being casual and relaxed. Not as an excuse for why I feel like I love Willow more but more so people remember that I loved them. They were great dogs.

And I think there is a little bit of guilt around this. I feel like I've forgotten Milo and Sammie. I feel like I was a horrible parent and didn't let them be a true dog. I abused them by not letting them be on the couches. I never took them to a dog park, they didn't have bones on a regular basis....yadda yadda yadda. I struggle with all of that...

But Willow absolutely makes me laugh out loud. She gets so excited to see me. She will launch herself at me when I sit down on the floor to see her. She talks to me all the time. I understand that dogs "don't talk" but I assure you that Willow does. If she gets irritated with something or someone, she will grumble and snort. She knows when shes in trouble because she'll start meowing at me to forgive her. And she will groan and grumble when I come home and she is so excited to see me. I love coming home!

So, with this new love of my life, I'm a different kind of dog owner. She is on the couches (which was a HUGE no-no with The Dogs). I have been known to give her VERY small bites of human food. But that is going to stop. Human Food is for Humans....and she has 3 bones every day (which she loves and reminds me to give her them several times a day)

And for all those people that I made fun of for dressing their dogs....I apologize. That's an official apology. Those don't come from me very often.

So I have a nice little wardrobe for her in the colder months. My reasoning is because she has so little hair and so she'll get cold easily. Which my vet confirmed but wouldn't go on record saying that I should buy her clothes. Guess she didn't want to have to do that for everyone.

But I have found an all new level. HALLOWEEN!!!! Yes people, Willow has her own Halloween costume. I honestly wasn't planning on a costume, I just stumbled onto them at Target. This is actually Crawford's fault...she talked me into going to Target. Or I could have talked her into it but lets stick with it being Crawford's fault.

I bought the shark one first and then found that she had a hard time jumping up on things. So I went with the bat one. I need to make some alterations to the bat one but not a lot.

Starting October 1st, on our nightly walks, she's Willow the Bat Girl!!!

And since we're showing each other our kid's photos....

She has taken to sleeping on the "bolster" I have at the top of the bed. I used to use that as my pillow but she took this over and I have, yet, to take control back. And not just with reclaiming my pillow; this dog walks all over me.

I can't remember if I ever posted this but this was the result of our very first walk. I don't think she had ever been walked or on a leash and she was not happy about it at the time. I ended up dragging her several feet before I turned around and found this situation.

I know, by all standards and others eschewed vision of beauty, this dog would be called ugly. And I'm very biased... she is probably so ugly that she's cute...that's how others have explained that.

But to me, she is gorgeous.....

Deep Thoughts by Willow Grace

I just don't know what else to do....

2011-09-29T12:35:00.000-05:00

Things at work have gotten to an all time low. Things are being done that I don't agree with. And then there are things that are being put on the back burner and I don't understand the reasoning behind it.

Just about everyone has been put on a Performance Improvement Plan (me included) because there is such disconnects going on that things are being dropped or ignored. Some of these issues are self induced. I'm guilty of not responding quickly. I know that. And it doesn't help that people's attitudes are really bad. I'm guilty of that too.

I just had no desire to get up in the morning so I was getting in late and leaving early. I just didn't want to be apart of this team/company anymore.

None of that has really changed but I recognize the need for change. It's terror induced change. I can't lose my job. They let a couple people go that had some tenor. I have seniority over some of these people and I ask myself what I really want to do. Do I want to make it to 12 years in January? Or do I want to work hard enough to stay and keep looking for a job? My laziness makes me want to do the bare minimum, get let go, live off my 401K for awhile and try to "find myself".

But the last couple weeks have actually improved for me. And that's because I'm making an effort. Not just getting to work on time, working while I'm there and then leaving at an appropriate time. But I'm also putting makeup on. I'm eating 3 meals a day (with ZERO weight loss thank you very much to those who tell me that I have to eat more then I normally do to start losing - Whatever) and I'm doing things around the house more; like cleaning and doing dishes.

It wasn't just work that I was checking out of. It was my life I wanted to check out of. I have things in my life that I wish they were different. I wish I had more satisfying relationships. I wish I had more room in my bedroom. All things that I just expect to happen. And "coming to" is helping me realize that I can't have it all. I need to work for it.

So....my grasp on life is better. A little more stable. I have desires to do better in things and to learn to let go of other things. But, God it was so much less stressful when I just checked out and played on my Kindle/Phone/Computer/Crafts....now I have to pay attention.

And enjoying it does not mean that I'm in my PJ's, unbathed for a 5 days and fluctuating between reading in bed but sleeping on the couch.

Kindle

2011-09-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

I had been throwing the idea of getting a Kindle around for about 3 months. The reason I know 3 months is that I started thinking about how I hadn't picked up an actual book in over 2 months. I was reading little free books on my Android with the Kindle app. It was wicked small but still, I read. So I paid attention. I spent the next couple of months actively trying to pick up a book but it just never happened.

Not because I'm so weak and couldn't pick up a book...although my wings on my under arms are getting disgustingly droopier and would really make a person wonder about my upper body strength.

It just seemed like I would want to take a book with me, in case I found myself unoccupied, but I would ultimately grab a book that didn't seem interesting at the time. So I would grab a couple of books and this meant bigger purses and so on....after 3 months, I finally started looking at the Kindles.

So, for my birthday, I got a Kindle. The 3G and Wireless version. Why? Because I go to places with no WiFi. You would think that no WiFi would be few and far between but I know of 5 locations that I go to on a regular basis that don't have WiFi. Cheap bastards.

And then you ask...why do I need WiFi everywhere...and I simply say, "because I want to". Looking back, I realize that I didn't need to have that one. I could have saved about $50. But when I want something, I will pursue it to the ends of the earth....and then some.

I have around 350 books on my kindle now. Project Gutenberg is a great website that I lifted most of those 350 from. All are older and more classics then anything but I now have a device that I'm sure I'll find something I want to read when I'm stuck somewhere. I'm pretty impress with what I have and Amazon is pretty good with selection.

I use my Kindle every day. And I mean that. It gets me by some boring times. If I have a slow moment; 15 minutes or something, I take it out and read until its time to do something else. It was a really great idea for me to get.

With that said...I now want a Nook.

I haven't had my Kindle for a month and I'm ready for a bigger and better product. I should have saved my money for another couple of months and just splurged. The big deciding factor though is that I'd have to start over on my collection. My paid for books would be lost. I think it would be pretty easy for Project Gutenberg books to be downloaded as the Internet Explorer not found in the Kindle (or at least not a good IE is found) is better on the Nook and so it would be very simple to do a download.

Hindsight is 20/20. But I know what I'm going to do with my Kindle and I know how much the Nook is. Before too long, I'll have a Nook and I'll have to start over with my collection. That is one

Since I refuse to buy an iPad, the Nook is the best alternative.

And you can touch it like your phone. I keep tapping the hell out of the Kindle screen, waiting for it to pop up what I want. I'm a creature of habit.

As soon as I get some money piled up, this beast is mine.

Kind of a boring post...I promise to do better next time.

Cable will make you go broke yet enable you to look fabulous

2011-09-04T12:10:00.000-05:00

About 18 months ago I turned my cable off. Not because I needed to save money, although it was a nice benefit but because the last time I watched TV was 6 weeks prior. I was spending money on cable with no intent to watch. So I turned it off. And I didn't miss it. I actually took pride in the fact that I had never seen some of the shows that people talked about. I kind of rubbed it in, in fact, that I didn't have cable. But I actually got more crap from others that I was trying to be high and mighty. And I probably was...but it doesn't matter, I still was better than them.

On a side note, I had absolutely ABSOLUTELY no idea of what was going on in the world. I didn't know the weather. The tornado in St Joseph, Missouri? I had no idea what happened until a day or two afterwards, I heard someone talk about it and I realized that I was doing a huge disservice to myself. But I didn't really want to get cable still. I guess I just wanted to not give in to any of the trappings of cable.

Now? I have had cable for a month and I'm hooked. I still refuse to watch most reality shows. I have no desire to follow the Kardashians or those idiots on Jersey Shore. The Housewives of wherever are not something I am even remotely interested in. I did watch about 15 minutes of the Housewives of the Mob and OMFG...what an utter and complete waste of my time.

I have found a few shows that I am starting to follow. I don't DVR them because I forget we have DVR. I've watched a few Movies On Demand but am less inclined because it's $5 a movie. But what it really boils down to is that I just can't find anything to watch. I get bored pretty easily lately and sitting down for more than 30 minutes is kind of hard. Obviously having a DVR means I can watch when I want to and I've started thinking about making the effort to watch new stuff and using the DVR but I just have yet to pull the trigger but that also requires me to remember to check the DVR. This whole thing is incredibly exhausting.

One thing that I have been watching is QVC. God knows why I found this channel. God knows why I love to watch all the stuff that you can buy at any time, day or night. I love to watch the models and for the “personality” to use as many adjectives in 15 minutes for the one piece of merchandise. I really love to hear the phone calls (the “testimonies”) and every single one I have heard is an old woman buying it at 1:30 in the morning because her cat’s sick. I totally made that up but you get the gist of it.

Now, here comes confession….I have bought things on QVC and more so on their website. I have returned one but have kept the others. I have a wish list on-line that I would like to buy all of them. Most of the pricing is quite reasonable and the quality is fair to good. I like the “4 easy payments of $14.89” option. But really I just love the ability to look at a huge array of stuff and think of how it would look good on me or in my hands. I have to be careful, because I can justify anything. I have been very good about this though. I know my money limits and I know what I can and cannot do.

I am practicing restraint and only sticking to QVC. HSN and others are just one channel away on cable and one click away on the Internet but I can’t start watching them all the time. I would truly because a TV addict and wouldn’t leave the house. Maybe I would feel better about getting my money’s worth from cable.

So, I’m slowly getting myself back out in the information highway. I’ve started listening to talk radio. I don’t understand where the anger is coming from with some of these radio programs but it is showing me that I need to stay informed and so I am starting to read the newspaper on-line. Listening to talk radio and watching some of the news channels on TV. I really like John Stewart and Steven Colbert. I laugh WHILE learning…genius.

I registered to vote last week, first time since Clinton. I haven’t stayed informed so I had no right to vote and then no right to complain. That’s a horrible attitude and I hope to fix that.

So…cable is going to rot my brain eventually. But I tell you what; I don’t think QVC is going to disappointment and I'll have fabulous things to wear and use while in front of the TV, watching riveting video's like this. Educational....

Brick by Brick

2011-09-02T15:27:00.001-05:00

Many years of therapy and beating my head against an invisible wall that seemed to follow me wherever I go, I have learned about what happens to you when you don’t have boundaries. Some of those experiences are great reminders and dear to me. Most of them, unfortunately, were because I wasn’t paying attention and several of THOSE times I came away with a puzzled look on my face and saying “What the fuck just happened?” That happens more often then I’d like to admit. So when I say I have learned to build boundaries, I mean that whole heartily. And I’m proud of some of the things I’ve done as a result of those lessons.

Most of the time, I ask questions around subjects that I don’t understand because typically I would just do what I thought I was supposed to do and ultimately I ended up embarrassed and a little jaded. I call that my pause moment. Instead of reacting immediately; usually before the person finishes, I pause and gather my thoughts. I kind of like the idea of being collected enough to represent myself in a conversation and not take the whole conversation hostage.

I get taken advantage of sometimes in my pursuit to be liked. I would just ignore my needs and beliefs in order to ensure that person would think highly of me. I would compromise my ideas and morals because I didn’t think someone would find value in them; they would not support me. My feelings were hurt on many occasions. The irony is that I never really had “feelings” to hurt in my mind, I still walked around as though I was indestructible. In reality, they added a layer or two to the growing wall around my soul and heart. I constantly walked around with a sound of grinding bricks in my chest. No one would ever totally be able to touch those things inside. But I have found that I don’t want that to be the case. I really want to let someone inside and that means boundaries. If I know what I’m willing to allow, then I know when I can say no. I know how to defend myself. And that defending myself doesn’t look like I bring the depths of hell with me because I don’t dare show weakness and just trying to annihilate you means I keep my pride. I go a little theatrical sometimes.

Those are “my” boundaries but really they are situational boundaries. The big ones I have learned are within me. The big one is to remember that I don’t have the right to abuse myself because I would never do that to another person. I have no right to berate myself by saying such horrible things. The voices in my head do not get to take me hostage and slowly tear me apart and I lose all concepts of pride, love and worth. Learning boundaries with that one has become my Emmy Nomination. I may not win the award but I’m honored to be nominated.

So, with all that said….I have very little boundaries with Willow. She just struts around knowing I will do very little to correct things. I let her on the furniture; which NEVER happened with The Dogs. I let her have treats and to beg for more will deliver more. She takes up half my bed most of the time but so far its been “her side” and “my side”….until recently. I shake my head at myself with this one. I have no idea why I let this happen but it has. I have a body pillow that I actually stretch across the top of the bed. It’s my pillow and she has taken to sleeping on top of that pillow. The last 4 or so days, I have lost my pillow. Completely. I am now sleeping on another pillow, on the other side of the bed.

I know I’m the human and I have all the authority. But I just can’t say no…she looks so cute. I’m sure she’ll move onto another portion of the bed soon enough.

Boundaries Shannon….boundaries…..

Nice little present

2011-08-18T12:33:00.000-05:00

Came to work Monday and found that one of the 4 talkers at work has been moved to another location on our floor. I don't know if this is a result of the disruption that they do or if someone asked to be moved or some other kind of political play....whatever reason why, I'm ecstatic. The 3 left over still talk loud and inappropriately but that's about 1/3 of the time. The other 2/3rds of the time is spent in quiet bliss....I haven't been this happy to be at work since the turning off of gas and subsequently no hot water or heat of 2004. It was fucking cold those 2 weeks.

Out of my over loving mind

2011-08-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

I am going to snap pretty soon. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope in all aspects of my life. Work is going to send me back to the looney bin. The sheer amount of just non-work related talking and at the top of their lungs, is enough that I want to gouge an eye out. With a spork. I could give a shit about where Karen was a year ago (Disneyworld if you wanted to know). One of them pissed me right off and I am doing all I can to not hurdle over their cube walls and help her bounce her head off the desk 2 times. The old fart is talking loud because she can’t hear a god damn thing. And the poor Middle Eastern guy across from her is usually the target of her racist rantings. The admin has eaten about 17 carrots and made sure to snap them off and chew open mouthed over the last couple of hours. The lying of one of our contract managers is rampant this week and I’m tired of getting my ass handed to me by some of the divisions The two-faced one is having a fake sugary talk with someone and as soon as she hung up, informed me that he was a fucking dick head that knew shit about….you get the point. I was in the toilet when she came in one time and she was whispering to herself. Sounded a lot like fucking asshole, I’m going to fucking kill them. I’m not exaggerating about any of this. I know I’ve written about this before but it bears repeating myself. If for nothing else to prove to the authorities that I was justified in my leaping from the top of this building to stop the voices in my head start arguing with the idiots in my office.

It doesn’t take a lot to actually be out of my mind. I am a mental patient but a “high functioning” one. Whatever that means. I went to a bipolar support group when I was going through the divorce. I was floundering and was just desperate to find something where I felt like I belonged. I sat through that meeting absolutely high on fear. These people were hard core nuts. Most (like ¾) didn’t have a job. More were living with their parents. All thought this support group was intended for bitching and complaining and hooking up. I was so so fascinated with the dynamics within the group and of course saw all the ways I could fix these people. They were lazy and just not willing to be an active participant in their lives. I’m sure you can understand when I stopped going to the group after a few weeks because I was starting to gloat about how I’m better than them. Not to mention, I was “high functioning” and didn’t need this damn group. Sayonara dip shits! But I think that was a wake up call to me. I’m just a manic or depression episode away from living in my parent’s basement. I am not as concerned about my mental health as I am about my living situation. My parent’s basement is gross.

I think I’ve hit a crossroad. I’m absolutely disengaged at work. To the point that I’m half expecting a visit from HR and a promise that they’ll forward my personal belongs soon. While I worry about that a lot and it keeps me motivated to do at least the bare minimum, I think I would find it a relief if I were to find myself unemployed. Don’t get me wrong….I would be seriously fucked if I lost my job. I would have to break my lease, find a basement to move into (and one big enough for Crawford), make at least enough money to pay for the, hopefully cheap basement gig and car. I think it would be pleasant to not have to worry about big things like I do. I’m tired of making decisions and deadlines. I get up every morning knowing that I’m going to be yelled at and/or stabbed in the back. I don’t really take pride in my work anymore. This is all very strange to me because I was so incredibly engaged in my work until a year ago. I would work at night and weekends. I know the ex wasn’t very happy about that but it didn’t matter. I was important and I worked hard. Now, I’m out of my mind while at work. I check out and live in my head for 8 hours.

So, I had a therapy session yesterday and my cool therapist put me to the wall and gave me an assignment. She’s really good about calling me on my BS. I’ve been with her for years. And she knows me. Really knows me. I have an assignment and I have a time frame. I’m to email her Sunday and let her know what I’ve done and then I’m held accountable for what I do from there. I’m not the most consistent person, I tend to get really into it and then I slowly (or sometimes not so slowly) stop doing things. And I’m right back where I was originally only usually worse off. Something has to change and that something has to be me. I don’t want to live in a basement when I’m 37. Makes me feel like I haven’t done anything with my life.

I'm just working myself into a dead end and I don't want to start thinking about what my life is going to be like if I find myself sinking into a level where a basement apartment looks really fucking good.

Be a good girl and share

2011-07-16T13:32:00.002-05:00

I'm going to have a roommate in a week. And I'm excited about it for two reasons. It's my BFF Crawford and she's paying me. And it's a substantial amount of money that will help alleviate some of the financial issues I've been having but it helps her too. She'll be paying less for rent now and that's going to help her too.

Now, I had a "roommate" incident when I first moved in here. It lasted about 3 weeks (if even that) because she bugged the shit out of me. In my defense, I was JUST getting sober and I was still dealing with my feelings around the divorce. I'm talking 2 months after the divorce was final. I wasn't prepared o deal with another person's issues. And she had issues. She was doing things that I thought were unforgivable. I couldn't support her decisions. And she was ALWAYS in the living room. I wanted to just veg and she was there. I wanted to watch TV, she was there. And the last straw was she asked me if I could leave the house for several hours so she and her married lover could do it in every room in the house, including my bedroom. I threw that last bit in there for effect. She would have kept the shagging to her bedroom I'm sure.

Now...fast forward 4 years and I'm going to have a room mate again and I'm going through all the pros and cons to determine if this is the right thing.

Pros
1. I will have someone at the house and thus someone to hang with. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to after work.
2. I will be more financially stable and better able to pay on past due bills BUT will also allow me the opportunity to splurge on things. For instance, I can buy a new pair of sunglasses. Willow broke mine last week and I need a new pair. Or a new pair of jeans. I've been wearing mine for a couple of years. time to get a new one.
3. I think this is an opportunity to eat better. If we go in together for groceries, then we cook and we eat real meals rather then fast food or frozen entrees.
4. Crawford is a great listener and everyone knows I like to talk. This is a win win.
5. Dog sitting. If I need to work late or leave town, she's a built in dog sitter. And vise versa for her dog.
6. I just really love her and want to help out as much as I can. She deserves a break.
7. Probably the most exciting is that we turned cable back on. It had been about 18 months since I had it turned off and because she tends to be home more then at work, she would need to be entertained. So I've already used the DVR to start recording several series and one off shows. This is what I did last time but never watched. I feel more dedicated to it now so I'm confident I'll watch it all the time.

Cons
1. By having so much extra money, I'll tend to shop. This is something I'm going to have to really watch. As a Pro - Crawford might be the perfect deterrent. Maybe she'll step up and tell me to stop?
2. She'll be there all the time. It's going to be weird to have someone present all the time. Now I think this is a Con because of my first roommate. I hope I've outgrown it.
3. Just as I'm lazy, so is she. I don't want us to get lazier.
4. She'll irritate me so much that I want her gone and the only thing that she can do is stay as long as it takes to find money to move out. But I really REALLY hope that is not the case.
5. I have to move most of the stuff out of my craft room and I have A LOT of stuff in there. Some of it is going up to my bedroom upstairs but I can't get everything out. So I'm going to be sharing the room with her. I'd love to give her more room but it's just not possible.

There is more but you get the gist of it. I'm looking forward to this, I really am. But it's going to be important that we be honest and up front. I need to be more tolerate if I find myself irritated. This is a great opportunity for the both of us. We're talking about a couple of months but we've also talked about making it through the end of my lease (June 2012). That's almost a year and then maybe we get a bigger place together. Just throwing the idea around.

So, I really should be getting organized and moving all the craft stuff around. I should be doing laundry and putting it away. I should be doing a lot of things. Instead, I'm watching The Big C on Showtime. We have it free for a month. I'm going to get as much watched as possible. Then I'll start with the On Demand Movies...this is going to be a horrible mistake but you only live once and so enjoy cable when you can.

My mind plays tricks on me

2011-06-30T14:23:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why this happens but I know it's not just me that goes through this. I know the lyrics to about 80% of the 80's music yet can't remember if I brushed my teeth. It's like my memory is purging all information that it deems unnecessary. And why 80's music is not a shock; I love 80's music. I could play it all day. Which I did when I had satellite radio. I think I had XM satellite about 3 years and I think I changed the station from the 80's on 8 to another stations a handful of times. And the channel I went to was Christmas music and so that tells you how often I changed.

I had to give up XM because I wasn't branching out to any other music genres. I think my memory of the 80's music was because I tend to remember stuff put to music. I just absorb it better then written or reading learning. And I love to listen to music because I love the stories music tells.

You see what happened there? I forgot the reason for the post and just kind of went in a different direction. I hate that that happens more often then I'd like. It happens mostly at work so I look like an idiot when I struggle to answer a question because I either don't remember the conversation or I completely forget to do what it was I was asked to do.

And I try to write things down but I then forget to check my notebook. I have to put things on my calendar so I can remember to do something but that's only as good as me remembering to put it on the calendar in the first place. So, setting a reminder on my calendar for me to just remind myself if there is something I should be doing. That seems like overkill but I don't think that is a bad idea or at the least, a good place to start.

Maybe I need to find my own virtual tie a string around my finger. Once I get it in my calendar I'm golden. I can set reminder alarms and that helps me get it back in my mind and can address. I just need to find a solution that involves figuring out how to remind me to put my notes in the calendar....maybe a reminder every day to put reminders in? Spend an hour or two each day just going through my notes and see what I have to do. That's probably going to take more time then necessary but it takes 21 days to change or create a habit, right? And it would be nice to have a system that works. Just about everything else in my life is run on spit and shoestrings, why not a cobbled together organizational process.

I haven't exhausted the options for memory enhancements, I haven't done hypnosis or visual cues. Not that I'm opposed to them but a $1.00 notebook sounds a little more feasible to me. And it shouldn't take very long to get something in place and just be consistent with it for a month, just to see if I can change a behavior. It does take motivation on my part to follow through but I suck at follow through and consistency.

So maybe that is what I start off with on the calendar. Remind myself to be consistent, even if that means dismiss the siren on the phone - not snooze. And as I get better with being consistent, I then start putting things on the calendar to remind me to actually put action items on my calendar and then move my way up to no longer needing the calendar alarm system; I've been able to start working on projects without reminders. I'm not holding out hope that I'll be perfect but I think I can improve enough to make less work for myself.

OK, see...I kind of like the song albeit it's got a potty mouth. But it's the video that won me over....My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me by Geto Boys

Cowboy's and Indian's

2011-06-25T16:05:00.001-05:00

I may have touched on this briefly but I bought a gun about 4 months ago. I had shot a gun once, several years before. I have a picture of me holding it Charlie's Angels style and rocking it. The gun scared the shit out of me and so I really only shot it a couple of times and gave it back to the ex. I was not interested in it again until recently.

The ex has a gun and I talked him into going to a shooting range and let me shoot a couple of rounds. And this time, I enjoyed it. It was a bigger gun then I think I should have, it was hard to get my hands around, yes. But it was also a touchy trigger and that scared me. I was afraid I would kick off a shot just by pointing it away from me. I was a little nervous about that. So I started thinking about whether or not I really should have a gun. Try to suss out my motives. Yes, part of the reason I wanted a gun was because I wanted one. And I thought it would be cool to have one. And I thought I might need protection. This last reason was because I was starting to get nervous being alone. It's not a good reason, mind you, but it was one of the reasons I started looking. And I have to admit that I kind of wanted to look bad ass. Not a good reason for sure but I can't lie that it was one of the line items on my want list.

The gun I chose was more centered around price then anything. I knew I wanted a 9mm because of the size of the gun and accuracy. I went to a gun show and found the Smith&Wesson Sigma. It was in my price range and came with an at least medium review. Mostly it was around the trigger pressure and how it was really rough. So I found one that I felt created a bond with me and gave me the ability to be sure I wanted to fire it. I felt it allowed me to make that conscious decision to fire a weapon. No accident about it.

And I have to admit that I just like how it looks. I don't like pistols. I think they look too sissy. I have heard that pistols are actually a better, more manageable gun. Bit it looks silly to me and I didn't think anyone would take me seriously and I know from watching all those crime lord shows that the handguns are just cooler. I like that I can pull back the slide and shut it with the click of the button, you know like they do in movies. Now...that does not mean I think its cool and should play around with just because I can make it do what I see in movies and make me feel like a bad ass. But to be honest, acting like a bad ass has a lot to do with it. Most movies have the "kill shot" move and secretly I think a lot of us think it makes us look cool. I can honestly say I have not tried that little move with my gun. I'm too sure I'll drop the sucker and shoot my eye out.

Going for the kill shot

There is a shooting range that offers free range fees on Wednesdays to all the ladies. I usually go at noon so I can get there and back in time and still pop off a couple caps in your ass. But I cram a couple of bullets in the clips and ping off a couple of shots and then go back to work. Taking me all of 10 minutes. In talking with one of the guys at the shop, he suggested that I take some classes and at the least, take my time and enjoy the challenge of accuracy,

Although the real challenge is keeping my eyes open; squinting them closed as I pull the trigger. Little wonder I was hitting the target about every 5th shot. And never where I was aiming for. Keeping my eyes open was a challenge. It's squeezing my eyes shut and then hoping that I actually hit something close to where I thought I looked before shutting them. I keep my eyes open about 2/3 of the time now. But it takes a bit for me to figure out eye to aim from and still keep them open. It'll take time and lots of bullets.

This is one of my best shooting attempts and done early on in my shooting. I was so excited this day. I had done nothing different, so I am still not sure how I came to hit 40 odd shots out of 50. That was a great day.

Lately, I can't hit the side of a barn. I think I'm over thinking things and not breathing and all that crap. I shoot about 10 - 15 rounds and then go home because I refuse to waste more money on bullets when I'm hitting one or two of them. I'm getting frustrated. So talking to one of the gun guys is going to help, I think. I just have to take my time. Slow down and breathe before pulling the trigger.

Now comes the Conceal and Carry.

I'm torn about whether or not to apply for one. My ex tells me that its a bad idea because I'm more at risk of hurting myself then anything. I agree with that. I now that I would probably shoot myself in the foot then try to subdue an on-coming assailant.

This could totally be me.

2011-06-24T20:54:00.000-05:00

I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I have no plans at all. I am going to knit and felt and I'm going to get caught up on Lost. I have a scarf that I'm going to finish, start a couple more knit projects and then complete a couple of felted hearts I'm making for a retreat in October. That's the gist of the weekend.

Instead....I stayed home today and finished the scarf and all the felted hearts. I watched 2 episodes of Lost and I can honestly say that I am officially bored now. It's not even 8:30pm and I'm bored. The idea of watching TV bores me. I don't want to knit right now, it would bore me. And I'm so bored that I would probably put all 3 needles on my felting pen through my pinky finger.

I have no doubt that I'm going to get my second wind tomorrow and press on with pride. But for tonight, I'm going to send you on your way with my top five songs of all times, in no particular order.

1. Don't Bring Me Down - ELO

2. Waterloo - ABBA

3. 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

4. Far Away - Nickelback

5. Feeling Good - Nina Simone

6. Hurt Johnny Cash

I'm not an idiot by the way, I do know that I have 6 instead of 5 but I couldn't decide which one to take off...so I give you my 6 favorite songs of all times. I'm missing the BeeGee's, Garth Brooks, Pink, Adele, Timbaland, Kelly Clarkson and Adagio for Strings. So many I could just get lost in finding them all in my iTunes, much less list them here for everyone to see.

So, if I stay bored tonight and tomorrow, I might write up a blurb for each of them as to why they are my favorites. Or not, depends on how bored I really get to be.

Fun exercise tonight. Great music and put me in a better mood. Thanks, kids, for listening.

Someone to look up to...

2011-06-23T15:10:00.000-05:00

I do have a long list of people's blogs that I follow. Some are for knitting and others for felting. A lot are just ones I came across and really liked. Most of these are on Blogger - like mine.

But I have a hand full of bloggers that I read that are not hosted by a blogging site but have their own websites that they host and manage. The design and content are solely for them. And I just have to say that I love one blog in particular. She actually has MANY blogs that she writes for. Her Mommy blog, a blog she writes for a sex company, her personal blog and then her blog in the Houston newspaper.

The Bloggess Blog

I really enjoy reading her posts. And I think she has a great sense of humor. She makes things interesting, even if they are not. She brings a fresh way of telling a story.

So why pimp this? Because I realize I am probably never going to be able to write like that. I think I'm a decent blogger. I don't write about heavy topics; mostly because I don't want to waste my time talking about topics like politics, baseball, the value of a good cup of coffee and how Top Gun really changed the view of sand volleyball. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find that topic in any of the posts I ever write. But I also don't have a strong viewpoint on things so I can argue with you about them and bully you into thinking what I want you to think. I honestly am not interested in anything serious that may take up time that would be better used on watching Netflix, running out of money and playing on the computer for hours on end. I just am not willing to be more engaged in the world around me.

Wow, this actually turned kind of serious for a second. I need to pull the nose up on this crashing plane.

So my blog for the day is going to be sponsored by the letter A and goes a little something like this...

A is for Apple that's good enough for me
A is for anger; it seems to fuel my daily commute
A is for awesome; I'm pretty sure I'm about 83.7% awesome
A is not for appetite; I don't seem to have one lately (could be good for me!)
A is for ampersand (&); I have one on my shelf (used to be the AND between PB & J <~~long story)
A is for alone; sometimes I love it and sometimes I cry because of it

And so, I close this blog with these deep thoughts...

Don't get bored in the middle of the afternoon and spend hours reading through other people's blogs; trying to compare yourself. Just be happy with an apple, an ampersand, a little less anger, believe in your awesomeness, making sure that no appetite means your full not that your trying to lose weight and that its OK being alone every once in a while. I'm pretty good company.

Why I"m going to actually post this blog is beyond me but I just reread and I am a horrible blogger. I am going to have to step this up a notch if I want to have more then 3 followers...

Fe Fi Fo Fum

2011-06-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

I have gotten so fat that I think the earth's axiom shifted a little my direction. I had to buy clothes this last week because I am not so slowly growing out of the one's I have. I have managed to gain about 45 pounds in the last 12 months. I am still about 90 pounds less then I was 4 years ago but I hadn't planned on getting back to the almost plus size clothes.

The HCG diet that I talked about on here before is pretty simple and the results are pretty straight forward. Back in April I was 110% ready to do this thing. I was prepared and on a mission. I lost about 4 pounds in the first 3 days....and then I stopped. For a good reason in my head but I still stopped.

I'm an emotional eater. And I tend to gauge my eating amount or types of foods on the emotional reaction I had. Stubbed a toe...at least a large Frosty from Wendy's. But full on death of a beloved pet....that was about a 5 day bender on anything that I could think of to stuff in my face at that particular time. It was immediate need and it would only get worse if I put it off.

At my biggest, I was over 280 pounds. Now, I wear my fat well, for the most part. I didn't look like I was that heavy but my sizes were getting bigger and bigger. And I stopped caring. I'm disgusted to show this but here I am in April of 2007. This was about a month before the divorce. I was miserable and I definitely looked like it.

Christ on a horse....I look like shit.
Don't ask why I have this picture - creepy coworker!

So now, I'm 45 pounds up and I'd really like to get down those 45 pounds (and then some if possible). Mostly because I just have so many clothes in my size 12 and I'm comfortably tight in 16's now. I broke down this weekend and bought some 16 tops. I HATE THAT.... Now, in my defense, I have rather large girls and they need some room. A lot of tops are a little tight on the top, they like to lay flat. Good and Plenty take some room and like to breathe.

So...I'm trying to find the motivation to get back on the wagon. I know what I need to do...like I said in an older post, it's only 40 days. And the plan is so flippin' easy. What do I have to bitch about? Other then I can't have soda, candy or chips. That's what I'm struggling with. The discipline. I sorely lack that, not just in food either. <~~shocking I know.

So I just don't know what else I can do to stoke the fire. I start each Monday with a little white lie....this is the day I'm going to start taking the drops again and stick to the diet. I was going to do this thing....

Maybe I need some theme song, get me pumped.

Maybe I need to be held accountable for things and have a partner....I'm not sure who that would be but I'm putting up a Wanted ad soon. I can't handle a skinny bitch so I'm hoping for someone that will motivate me. Maybe my friend Tracy, who so thoughtfully offered. She's kind of a skinny bitch though....maybe I can start stuffing her face and get her to a more svelte size....make me feel better! (Totally kidding T...you're hot).

So really, the meaning of this post was more frustration on my part. Shopping for bigger bloody clothes and catching a reflection of me in a window. I'm chubby and really not feeling pretty good about myself. And while I feel unmotivated and unwilling, I know that I have it in me to do this thing. I hope that I don't find myself a week from now, saying the same things. I hope that I have the momentum to get off my ass and do something. Because I can not buy bigger clothes. 1 because 95% of plus size clothes are butt ugly and fit horrible and 2 because I refuse to get back to the size I was in April of 2007. I refuse.

Romance is dead

2011-06-17T18:35:00.000-05:00

I don’t think the divorce made me bitter. I really don’t. I mean, at first I was devastated but I never really got mad about it. I went through the normal stages of loss. I think it took longer than necessary but that was me, not the people in my life. I just wasn’t ready to give up some of the feelings that I had. I liked living in the misery. I, of course, sought help and got it. I know that I am a better person for the divorce. I know that I healed better in the last 4 years then if I tried to get through it sooner. Maybe not the best way to get over it but it was what I had to do to keep me sane. I’m a slow learner I guess.

So the fact that I don’t think I’m bitter is something I’m telling myself over the last couple of years when it comes to chick flicks. I honestly cannot handle them. I have not seen some of the major ones that girlfriends talk about. I don’t think it’s realistic to watch them. Those situations with those people will never happen in my life. I’m not blonde, skinny; I do not have flawless skin. I have the frizziest hair I have ever seen if I grow it out longer then my chin. I attempt to color my hair to save money and ultimately end up looking like Elvira because I just go dark no matter what color I choose. I lose and gain weight on a regular basis and I will not be a size 2…maybe a 12 but I would have to starve myself to get lower than that. And I don’t have the discipline to do that. So chick flicks are not something I want to invest in. I just don’t identify with the circumstances or the hijinx that happens when two meet and fall in love and save the planet.

I don’t remember liking chick flicks before the divorce but I also don’t remember hating them. I was reading chick lit but towards the end that was starting to not work for me. Unfortunately, I was not living in reality when reading those books and so I had to stop reading them. I have one book that I still read and will probably keep doing so because it’s really good. I have one chick flick that I think is great and will keep watching it because it’s really good. But I have made a conscious decision to not watch movies or read anymore books because I tend to really get into movies and books and I get wrapped up in the stories and I get invested. When I’m reading, I live as those characters and I start thinking about how I would react in those situations and how I would like it to end. Trying to put myself in that situation.

I have a pretty fierce imagination. It’s a lifetime of reading to escape or watching a life lived differently than mine. I have tendencies to day dream when I’m not engaged in work or with people. I’ve had these scenarios, as I call them, all my life and I run them through my head on a regular basis. They always change for something I’ve thought of or read that day. And I run them over and over. To the point where I sometimes forget where I really am. If I have a weekend of reading and watching movies, I wake up Monday morning, crashing down to reality. They are that vivid. And I am constantly disappointed because I didn’t achieve the outcome I wanted and rehearsed in my head. I have had to apologize to people in my life because I have voiced my frustration with them or the situation because it did not go the way I needed/wanted/had to have it go only to realize that it was something in my head and not lived outside of that.

And that is what Chick Flicks mean to me; shattered and unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding and heartache. Why in the world would you put yourself in that situation? Why put those in your life in those situations? Women go through life wanting to have the significant others in their life to do the things that the Hollywood Hotties do in those movies and that is unrealistic to put others up against that measuring stick.

Maybe I am bitter….I probably come across as being against romance and true love. To the contrary….I would love to live a chick flick. I really would give anything to have a love that defies the odds. Go to exotic places and be whoo’d. Have someone tell me how beautiful I am and how I make him lose his breathe because I’m the only thing in the world that would kill him if he lost me. I would kill to have someone tell me that they adore me, everything about me. I want to hold hands when we walk and I really would give anything to find myself dancing in the kitchen with him because it feels good to be held close. All these things….I would give anything to have. But I know that reality kicks in and I’m leaning closer to 40 and I’m no closer to any of those things. You couldn’t dance in my kitchen, I think my passport is ready to expire and so I couldn’t get to an exotic place and I don’t think I’m a person that someone can adore.

So, while I probably come across as bitter, I really am not. I probably hold this grudge against the movies and books because I’m trying to make a statement to myself that I’m being realistic and not allowing any kind of hope of romance in. Maybe I need to watch more movies that are not centered on guns, blood and bad ass costumes. I enjoy those but they don't actually make me feel sexy or show me ways to entice a husband. I’m beginning to see where I might have to make some alterations. I could stand to maybe feel like a woman rather then a bystander to a drive by shooting.

I hope this doesn't come across as a social statement. It's really not. I see where my thinking is wrong and that it would behoove me to actually open my mind up to trying new things (not just chick flicks) and to be open to having different outcomes to those I have concocted up in my weird scenarios. This is probably a whole session (or two) with my therapist....I'll have to forward her the post and see what we can talk about next week!

This sounds like wild rantings of a lunatic. It really does....crap...but I have a pretty big ego and I'm going to put this out there. I'm not ranting, I really don't think so. But I guess I have to look at my motivations around why I'm writing this post.

I've got a whole weekend and Netflix...maybe I'll look into the romance movies and try not to be so scorned. Because I'm really not....I swear.

Where oh Where has the Time Gone

2011-06-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked a milestone for me. I have lived in my townhouse for 4 years. That is the longest I have lived in one place in my adult life. I was in the house with the ex for almost 4 years but was 5 months shy. I moved here in June of 2007. It looks like I've lived here a lifetime. My carpets are disgusting but that can't be helped when I've had 2 dogs on them almost 4 years, I have a new dog that is challenged when it comes to keeping her pottying outside. And then you have the fact that these are carpets meant to be in a dwelling for maybe 2 years. They put the cheapest crap in these things. So while I won't get my very HEFTY deposit back, I feel like I've put my time in with these things. I wish I hadn't renewed for another year.

So yes, that means I'll be here 5 years. That bothers me more then anything else going on in my life. I guess it makes me feel like I haven't come very far. Like I've been existing just for the sake of existing.

The fact that I'll be here 5 years in 2012 should be enough to have me start making plans for where I'll live in the 2nd part of 2012. Maybe that includes buying something, I don't know that I'm ready for that but it might be something I do. I just know that I can't sign another lease in 2012 for the same place. It makes me think that my time is going to slip away from me and I'll find myself another 4 years down the line and all I've done is add more stuff to a place that is already overrun with crap.

I have this deck of cards that I bought years ago and never really did anything with them. I picked them up this week and started going through them. Its a deck of cards about being empowered as a goddess. Each day, you pick out a card and what it says is what you meditate on for that day or however long you need. It has descriptions on the back about the meaning of the chant/saying and that helps you narrow down the scope and allows you to focus on that. I have a pretty small attention span so these one a day affirmations were kind of cool.

And today's was a good one. It said, in a nutshell, that I have to be OK with me being self reliant and that I could take care of me.

And I realized something. I've been waiting for someone to come up and start taking care of me. I haven't made long term plans because I just assume someone is going to take care of that.

I've learned to be somewhat self reliant. I bought a car (in all fairness, the ex went with me and pretty much walked me through it), I get regular oil changes, I do my grocery shopping, I get my hair cut...all those things I do on my own. But when it comes to plans in life; even just a vacation for this year; I don't have plans. And I cant expect someone to come in and save me. I've got to be the self reliant person that the deck of cards talks about. It has to be me that gets me organized. My mom can't come in and save me everything something goes awry. I've got to be smart enough to do it on my own and also willing to face the consequences when I've done something wrong. I think I'll keep that self reliant card out and make that me daily mantra no matter what the other cards say. I need to be self reliant.

Because no one is running in to save the day. These 4 years have taught me a lot of things but mainly its beginning to teach me that I can't coast. It means taking matters into my own hands. And it means doing things different. I guess that really should say thinking things differently. I have to be present in my life, not in the day dreams I get caught up in; I get lost in the fantasy and not the facts.

I guess this means I've got to start planning. I'm not opposed to planning, I love it. But planning fun things. What I'm going to do when I turn 40 and I'm living in the same place for 7 years. Those are plans I want to make sure are what I want to achieve, not what I assumed would change when someone took over. I need to get the future under some control. Maybe put a plan together that gives me step by step instructions on what my goals are...whatever they may be. I could look into those goal coaches or find some self help book....I could scourge the Internet to find websites that tell me what I need to do....I could do that but I think we all know what I'll do. I'll get on my phone and text and email and find out from everyone else what they think my goals should be and then ask them to help me put something together to print off and start to live by them but really I'll end up sticking them in a drawer and then go on with my life. Assuming someone will come in and take hold of my hand and tell me what to do.

Something has to change.

They say change starts at home...Gandhi said "become the change you wish to see". The Portuguese say “Change yourself, change your fortunes.” .... then there is John Wooden who says “Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.” ..... and Maria Robinson says “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

....Somewhere in there is a plan...I'll get to it when I can.

Into my own hands

2011-06-14T20:07:00.000-05:00

I plan on, single handedly, ending the era of bad muffin tops. Yes....I can say with authority, that I am going to end this. Or maybe just my circumstance.

Why the perseverance? Because I saw me from behind today and HOLY SHIT. I'm a heifer. I don't know what happened but shame on me for not seeing where my ass and hips and waist and boobs and chin are going. I had lost contact with them in the last year and I've suddenly become the Pillsbury Dough Girl.

I started the HCG diet back in April but then Milo died and that was not a priority anymore. I just didn't want to cry anymore. So cooking food that is supposed to be an exact weight, taken with drops of HCG and at certain times? Fuck that...I just wanted to eat and cover up the pain. That was my excuse.

And that rolled into now...and my muffin top. Roll in that I'm running out of clothes, each week after I buy good food I'll have to throw it out 2 weeks later, while I'm eating Wendy's Jr Cheeseburger Deluxe. So I'll go to McDonald's just because for the next 4 days; its convenient.

So what does that mean? I have to change A LOT of things. Big thing that this requires, in relation to the HCG diet, is that I have to eat the same thing All The Time. There are several choices in the plan but the only ones I'm going to use is Chicken, Beef and Crab. Elk, Buffalo, etc....not an option. And you can't have any sauces or condiments. <~~~~~~ That's hard to do when all you have is plain old chicken!!! So I have to buy the food, cook it and eat it....not three things I can do together. At least not in the past.

AND...don't cheat. No soda, no chocolate, no carbs, etc... you shouldn't work out. All water, tea and coffee you can drink. No sugar, just Teva natural sugar. Because it will erase all the good that the diet and HCG is doing. I figure the less food I'm eating is going to be the big change that I need. And for the week I did it, I wasn't hungry for the most part. It was more that I missed the eating crap then anything else. I am a huge boredom eater. If I sit too long, I start looking for things to quench my impulses. Or if I'm upset, or if I'm excited or if I just want to eat one color or if.......

And its not like I have to do this for the rest of my life. It's 40 days. 40 days of 3 citrusy drops a day. 40 days of 2 meals with 3 ozs of meat, a veggie, a fruit and Melba toast. 40 days is all I have to do. It's all I have to commit to. And it promises that you can lose upwards of 2 pounds a day.... What is there to argue with? It's what got me the first time. It just seems like it would be too easy. I just know that I can't seem to commit to something like that because I get bored. Its only 40 days though! But I have to do something. I have no willpower but if I can lose 40 pounds or more....its worth not getting a Diet Dr Pepper for 40 days. And whose to say I won't be "released" from the addiction of sugar that seems to grip me.

Because I don't think I'll ever see this in my lifetime...my motivation is to not see me falling out of my pants again.