Ice cream and cigarettes.

Let's face it: Material things can make people happy

2013-01-17T00:29:00.001-08:00

Hello. I'm on Sick Leave and I'm glad I have the time to blog about something that has made me happy, albeit I hate getting sick and not being capable of going to work because my joints do not seem to work.

I promised my parents I'd get them--us--a new fridge since our old one has been working hard for us for 20 years already, look at this poor thing...

Aww...

I promised to get them a new fridge once I get my thirteenth month pay, however, that was Christmas time, so it was quite difficult not to spend some of my Christmas bonus. Ha-ha! Good job, Ran! So much control over yourself!

Anyway, my pretty cousin volunteered to help me out with the "fridge promise". She sent some few grands from Qatar last December, plus I already had a few grands saved up, and it's just enough to get this glorious metal being...

Mmhhmm~ muy guapo!

Mom and I fell in love with it, so we made sure we'll get it.

Tall, dark, and handsome eh? Haha!

Really happy, because I never thought I could give my parents something worth this much. But, of course, they're family, so I'm willing to give them so much more. (Awwww~)

Let me take a photo dump here, by the way:

This is, by far, the most comfortable jacket I own c/o ~the ex-boyfriend/then-bestfriend~

Bye. I better be off snoozing so I can get back to work tomorrow.

That awful feeling called nostalgia

2013-01-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been rummaging my now word-and-photo-wasteland-of-a-blog. I also tried searching my username on that blog site and found a lot of cutesy photos, a photo of me in just underwear, and lots of sappy love notes that made (and can still make) me feel a lot more beautiful than I am. This one, for example, never fails to make me smile:

I am still, and I think I always will be, amazed with how this guy plays with words. He just has a gift for it! And I'd always be grateful to him for putting in such pretty words together just for me.

But I also remind myself, how these pretty words left me feeling betrayed.

If you truly love someone, and you know it deep inside of you, you know you should not even try to hurt that person. Not even imagine it. Not even think of it in the first place.

Never cling to words. Always check if one's actions convey the same meaning as his words. Make sure they match.

(If ever you get to read this, D, I hope you don't feel bad, you know how inconsistent we were. You know we were so consistent with being inconsistent.)

This explains my paranoia in relationships as well. Altogether with the trust issues and shit.

I miss surrounding myself with beautiful strangers, who would then turn up to be acquaintances, and then friends (should my interpersonal skills would work well on a meet-up day)... here are some of those beautiful people I've met through blogging:

I hope I could drop by on a meet-up again someday~

So much for reminiscing!

I've been feeling more responsible since the year started. I actually started commuting home again (albeit not alone), because I want to stop troubling my mother everyday. I'd go home with her driving for me in her car almost everyday. That's for 4 years in school, and 8 months in work. Now, I'd commute from work because of the following reasons:

Jay
I want to stop troubling my mom
Jay
I want her to free herself from me as well
Since I'm not getting any younger
...we are not getting any younger
Alone time is good for mom and I
Jay
Because the longest time that Jay and I can spend together for a day are during bus rides home

Still, I always text my mom with an "ingat and I love you mama ko!" once she leaves her office. I'd always be her baby girl anyway and none of my daughterly(?) sweetness will go away just because I'm getting older. Same goes with my papa.

Shit, I am talking like an adult slowly being independent from her parents. This is bad. Must be the blood flowing out of my vulva. Or maybe because it's 2:39AM as I type.

Awkward girl with random thoughts

2013-01-05T02:12:00.003-08:00

"Look at those lovely love birds, holding hands, they're almost necking in the middle of the street. Why? Oh dear lawd! Oh you guys are gunna break up someday. Yes, and you'd totally regret doing so much PDA, eww.

Oh, such beautiful boobies!

Such fine ass! ..ugghh, but the face...

That is a cute dress!

Ugly shoes!

I miss my friends (highschool friends, online friends, "friends" I haven't met in real life yet). I wish we can hang out again.

I want to do a photoshoot with my ~ghurlsz~ again.

I remember that photographer who liked me and actually store my photos on his porn folder!

I need money.

I need money for a new phone.

I need money for new tattoos.

Food.

Money.

Food."

That is basically how my mind goes everyday. It goes in all directions. My thoughts are so hard to collect. So hard to concentrate on just a single thought. I can't keep up with my head most of the time. So...

Right now, I want to talk about my first week of work for this year. Like it has been very productive.

On with another topic: My boyfriend got a tattoo this week.

So yummeh~

He got it because he has been wanting to get one and because I wanted him to get one as well. Aww so much sweet feels~

Now I would like to think we're a hot, tattooed couple. Haha!

I have to get my next tattoo. Have to. Have to. Have to.

Also, I get hungry every time. Every. Single. Time.

So for this year, I should try to control my thoughts as well as my stubborn stomach.

I want my abs in this post as well, so...

Bye madafakassss!!

2012-12-31T04:58:00.001-08:00

Here's another year coming to a halt and here I am doing a recap!

A whirlwind of events, a whirlwind of emotions as well. This year changed me in so many ways! Both beautiful and drastic changes in nature. Changes that built me up and broke me up (in several pieces), but there's more that built me up. I'm a tougher kid now! And I should also stop calling myself a kid, since I turned twenty this year.

Of all the changes, two things stayed constant: the Monster called regret and the Angel called hope which practically saved my sanity throughout the year. It's as if I constantly had a monster eating me up for everything that I've done when I shouldn't have and everything that I've not done when I should have (I got more of the latter by the way). But, I--like all beings--had to cling to hope, because that's what keeps us going.

On with the recap!

End of college

The Monster: Ending it with more enemies and "frienenemies" than real friends and acquaintances.
The Angel: I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE FEW FRIENDS! AT LEAST THEY'RE ALL GENUINE! AND I GRADUATED ON TIME!!
The best part of the year, I must say. Making my parents proud because that's what I'm supposed to do. I live for my family and I love making them happy. And although Psychology was not the course that I initially wanted, I loved it anyway and I finished it within 4 years, no extra semesters for me!

The job

The Monster: Not allowing myself to rest up.
The Angel: I have a job by the age of nineteen, just a week after graduation. So I did not have to stay home, all stagnant, with my parents still having to feed me and take care of everything I need.
I may have been tired at that time, but I couldn't be more thankful! And I love the people I work with anyway! So, there!

First tattoo

The monster and the angel were not present.
I infuriated my dad but he can't do anything about it and he still loves me anyway.

The break-up

The Monster: Hoping it worked out and not saying the things I wanted to say.
The Angel: Knowing that, if I tried to keep the relationship going, it could have gone just worse. Saying those things could have made it worse especially because of his case (which is being bipolar--leaning towards the depressive side). Also, faking an orgasm is easy, but faking the entire relationship is difficult. (But I never fake orgasms lmao) I made myself believe that love is naturally that difficult when it really should not be. I could not have loved him any more or any less though, that I'm sure of. No regrets now!

Brother being an OSY (or is it "OoSY"? idk) and sister suddenly not talking to me (and to anyone else other than Oprah, our dog)

The Monster: Guilt is the monster this time. I could have known earlier! I could have helped him, we could have talked it through. OSY/Oosy means Out of School Youth by the way. And idrk what happened to my sister, she just stopped talking/reaching out to everyone of us.
The Angel: Hoping he'd find out the ~answers~ for himself. And hoping he'll go back to school next school year~
I also hope my sister would go talk to me again, I miss her. :(

Favorite kuya cousin's death

The Monster: Not saying the things I wanted to say (I'll forever carry this one), did not even get to hug him for reals~ the closest I got to hugging him was hugging his casket as I tried not to cry.
The Angel: He's in the Highest high that he can get! And it's just peaceful and pretty there. And for all the things I missed to say, he can hear me from above anyway. So sometimes, before I sleep I tell him that I love him, that I wish I tried to warn him off the things he did, that I love him despite the things he had done and the decisions he had made, that at some point I did not want to see him or talk to him. I miss having someone threaten my boyfriend or any guy that would--could--hurt me. I want to see him and talk to him and drink and smoke with him again. Exchange a hug with him even. I want to do all those so badly but I can't. But he can hear me from above and it doesn't matter anymore.

Cyrish Magalang's death

The Monster: We went to the same school in high school and I did not even have the chance to know what a beautiful person she was until she was gone. But the real monster here, is drugs and drug lords.

Here's a photo of us in HS. We were in the same team during team building.

The Angel: She's free from all the bullcrap in this earth. It's just that her family is missing her so much and the way that she died was brutal, heartless, inhumane. She was just about to start a life of her own, just as young as I am, then some crystal meth addicted tricycle drivers robbed her life away from her. Praying for you as much as I could, Cyrish.

Letting go
I had a really difficult time doing this. Easier said than done. Always.

Everything just piled up: break-up in August, brother's OSY status in August as well, death in September, another death last October. I'd have fits even at the office. There was this one time when I almost cried right after I interviewed someone because he was so much like my brother. I also became really paranoid, that I felt like I was the one going to die next. Can't even believe myself right now! And then I'd cry myself to sleep (aww) because I would think about all the bullshit lingering in my life, and think of all the shit I failed to do, and I was about to give up but thank the Highest Being for good friends. Genuine, good friends who helped me crawl back to my bubbly, gauche self.

Starting all over again
Life came back late November. I was heaps better in a snap. Odd. Very odd, but at least I got through it all. I was an emotional and psychological wreck. No, not a physical wreck because I'm sexy and I know it and I'm beautiful and don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful (lol it's 4:41AM as I write.. type this, pardon my humor)

I also surprised myself as I got over D in just, well... more or less three months. Very fast since I'm not the type who recovers easily from break-ups. Just had difficulty with the deaths but always think that once people die, they're free in every sense. Free and at peace.

And then there's Jay, who is so wonderful and beautiful that I don't think I deserve him, but I guess and hope that I do since the universe gave him to me! And I hope the universe would not conspire against me again, I hope this that he's someone I truly deserve (and that I am someone he deserves) and that he would be my last love.

The year has been a whirlwind of events and emotions. A whirlwind, not just a roller coaster. That fast, that complicated, unmanageable, and uncontrollable.

What do I want for next year? A lot! More money! More food! I want (and I'll work for it) a great relationship with Jay, just loving and staying in love and happy and all those cheesy stuff. I also want to find
my faith in a religion this coming year too. Take note, faith in a religion, my faith has always been up but my faith in a specific religion has gone done the drain a few years ago. In fact, I have not confessed in 3 or 4 years already.
In general, I hope that time and space and the universe would not fuck me up as bad as it did to me in 2012. All hopes up for a better year! I wish the same to all of you as well!

So you say actions speak louder than words?

2012-11-20T20:03:00.001-08:00

How come when you're hurt you say "I just want an apology." Really? Just that then you're fine? I am certain an apology would not be enough.

Y'know, some people are just too fucking courteous that they would know when to throw an apology. Okay, okay, a sorry would do... But just for petty things. Like accidentally stepping on my foot, pushing me hard out of the train, spilling your drink on me... Apologize and you'll be forgiven.

Getting really hurt is a different thing though. An apology would be nice, thank you for being courteous, but what you'd really be looking forward to is if the actions that will follow would match the apology.

I'm going to set an example that most might have gone through: someone important fooled you (lied or cheated or spread rumors, etc.). Would words, or in this case, would a single word suffice? You know it would not.

You'd look for actions.

Most popular "I'm (really) sorry" act would be (for an LQ, let's say): Standing outside his/her house waiting for him/her to pity you and take you back yada yada... Cause this has worked on a lot of movies, TVCs, and a lot of couples. Even I have done this. But still, for the person who got hurt, would that short span of suffering and shame be enough for you to forgive?

For a not-so-vengeful hearted person (like me.. HONEST), it would be easier to forgive. But if you were the person responsible for someone's pain, do know that wounds do not heal fast. Help heal the wound by taking proper action. Usually when we get really, really hurt, the need to be taken care of, to feel loved and important mutiplies by hundreds. It's just like taking care of a person who just got into a major car accident: being there in the hospital is different from really taking care of that person.

But still, it's better not to hurt anyone. In anyway. Whether you have a reasonable excuse or not. Just don't.

Justice will come

2012-11-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

Death initiated by another person is a death no one would wish for.

Clock was almost hitting midnight, I was lazily laying around, waiting for sleep to come by and visit my spirit. Mom was sitting, already asleep in front of the noisy television. Her phone rings, she awakens. I hear a soft scream, made not of fear but of panic. Of lost. As she ended the called she told me who called, it was my aunt. My cousin died. Gunshot through his head. Shot from the back.

Someone wanted him dead, and made sure that if they take a chance to take him down, he would not have the chance to live.

They checked his phone to see who was the last person to call him, the person who made him wait outside their house before he was shot. Nothing. He made sure his family will be safe. He deleted everything before we saw anything.

This happened more than a month ago and I'm still shaking as I relay and replay the story in my head. I love my cousin. He's the only kuya figure that I had. I love him but I never really got to say that, never even gave him a hug. A real hug. Not even a bro hug. No one's going to invite me to have some beer and cigarettes and weed every family reunion. No one's going to threaten my ex/boyfriend anymore. He used to tell me he'd beat the living shit out of the guy who'll hurt me. I love that very kuya over-protectiveness. It made me laugh, but it made me feel safe. I'll never get to feel that again.

Just today though, mom told me that the guy who shot my cousin was fund dead two days after he killed my cousin. Bye sir, burn. in. hell. But we still do not know who ordered him to kill my cousin. Justice will come.

This morning, my mother woke me up with the news that one of my HS batch mates and co-Thomasian was found dead. Killed. Multiple stabs. Around 50.

And she just went out to get some barbecue.

What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays? How can people kill other beings? She was just starting a life of her own then someone else takes it, feeling like his some god. Justice will come. Soon. I hope.

Tonight, I'll be praying for their souls together with all the souls I know and miss who passed on before them. Tonight I will pray for all the souls to find peace. To find justice for those lives that were taken by cruel souls. Tonight and always. As often as I could.

People you just have to deal with

2012-06-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

College… It’s nothing better than high school. Aside from having the freedom to go to somewhere during your class hours and dyeing your hair, it isn’t that much better than high school. Let’s not talk about the professors and the stress and not having your classes suspended even when it’s already flooding outside. Everyone who has gone through college or who are still in college already know that. So here’s something about the people you may deal with.

Well, when I was still in college (…and that’s just like a few months back) I had the most annoying people around me. There were guys who actually discriminate gays, girls who actually do not like you but stalks you through the internet (I do this too, but not as much as some people do), “backstab” their own friends… but it’s more apt to call it “talking shit behind your pretend-friend’s back.” And these people came from… uhh, known institutions. Wow. How childish are these people? Should’ve left those attitudes in high school.

So I was stuck with those type of people for four years. Real shit. Real life. But doesn’t matter now since I’m done with college. But being with those types of people really helped a lot. Learned what to do, what types of people should I ignore, who I should tell right in front of their faces something’s wrong with their attitudes, and who I could trust and keep.

Also, I’m so hungry, I just have a piece of sardines patty here for dinner. I am so poor, I’m excited for the 15th. Payday please come sooner.

56 hours

2012-04-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

Six thirty in the morning when we reached the university. Too early. Too early for the 7 AM time. Add the latecomers. I did not have my breakfast. Well I did, but that was just a cookie. A chocolate chip cookie. Just one. We left the house at five thirty so we won't get late. Mom told us we could just have a McDo drivethru and eat at the car. But the moment I woke up from my sleep (in the car) we were already at Dapitan. Wow. Boy was I starving. Dad & I went straight to our room assignment while mom and grandma went straight to the gym - the QPavillion as how the vice- rector lovingly called it.

Grandma took this with her 8.1mp digicam. Quite decent, ja?

As I was starving, papa told me we could go get something to eat at McDo-UST. I wasn't able to finish my Hamdesal so I had to carry a plastic during the procession. But we had to throw it with my water before we entered the QPav proper. Annoying. "Parang nasa airport lang ah!" papa exclaimed. But we were left with no choice, they told us there's a drinking fountain inside anyway. Who would prefer drinking from a drinking fountain when you bought a bottle of mineral water?

Add captionIt looks huge but it isn't, I swear.

I had no sense of time... but I knew it started late. It was supposed to start at 7 or 7:30, but it started at around 8:30. Impressive. That was what everyone expected. Another late start of a big event.

...in simpler terms, graduation.

I had no photos during the graduation proper. Hehehehe.

Lola (who we fondly call Mama Cor-Yes, I got my Cora from her), Mama, Me, Papa

D took this. His most decent shot of the day.

Mama Cor nagged us to take a photo in this spot. The sun was unleashing its special powers and its annoying since I'm hungry and quite dizzy. Plus D took a bad shot... out of focus you see?

A few hours after, my friends posted their photos... I saw this...

Huhuhu TuT I wasn't able to find them after the event, Chweni5 no grad photo together. How could you frieeenndddss? *tear*

Fast forward to 10PM that day... mom told me I'm scheduled to have my interview for *big telecommunications company here*. My first job interview ever! It sank in the next day.

Oh, here's my outfit!

Pink and nude. How ladylike.

April 4, which is also my mother's birthday, we went to Makati for the interview. 1 PM. Dad & I arrived at 12:30. Early birdies! However, there were a few misunderstandings with whom I was supposed to meet for the interview though. Let's not get into details. It pains me to remember how careless that mistake was.

There were a few lessons I learned during my interviews:

Don't get too nervous
Eye contact is important
Humor them. Or at least try to.
Be very honest.
Opportunities come to those who look for them.
But if you're not looking and they come, grab them. They might not come again.

11PM, I received an SMS. I'll have an over the phone interview with their boss. But since I was already asleep, I read the SMS at around 8AM, and replied at around 10AM (since I was scared and had no load. Heh.) Around 2PM, Sir called me and good thing my tita-ninang was there (she's working for the company), the call ended with "Okay, Tuesday, report to the office for your job offer. Thank you, Cora!"

JOB OFFER! I was confused... I told tita-ninang about it and she squealed a "Good job!" Gave me a high five. I guessed I got the job? Then she said, beaming... "How much would you think your salary would be?" Excitement and fear enveloped me, I flush. Maybe because of the heat too... but yes, I did get the job. Wippeeee! I am a (soon to be)working gurl*~

The littlest things are the biggest blessings

2012-03-28T10:24:00.001-07:00

The past week has been great. Too great for words. This is a photo-filled post.

Last Friday, 23rd of March, we had our Baccalaureate Mass. But before that, we had to register for our course's Alumni Organization, plus we got our meriendas and our Alumni Cards.

Our class photo!

With Charice and Ate Shawie <3

We fondly call our group 2NE5. Baduy right? The name was from a silly joke. But now we're stuck with that and it's okay haha!

Sunday, 25th of April, the family went to Caleruega, Nasugbu, Batangas to hear mass. Also for thanksgiving as my brother and I are graduating. So glad papa enjoyed the trip, such a sweet Sunday with the family!

We look too alike.

Goofing around

With mi padre <3

Papa is fun. He likes having weird, silly photos :)

We had our lunch at Caleruega, but there were just too many Bulalohans on the way home, so we had a stop over. Second lunch at a place with this view of the Taal Lake and Volcano.

Monday, we went to school to get our togas. I was actually a bit too infuriated since they got me a different toga size when I've told them four times I'm getting an XS, if not, an S. I mean, that's the only size I can ever have. However, they checked their chart and the guy from the council quickly looked for a size S toga! Yay! I just overreacted I guess.

Some serious business about to happen here.

After the "serious business" we went picture taking here. It was my first time!

No eyes. Init eh.

2NE5 again!

Me photobombing.

Herp derp.

Rockband afterwards!

I enjoyed my last year in college because of these ladies! *tear*

Today, I mean, yesterday (it's midnight already? whut whut), my brother graduated from Highschool!

With his girl!

Proud sister! :D

Hihi :*

I don't know what papa is doing in this photo. The most decent family photo we have tonight in our camera. Maybe lola has a better photo in her cam, idk...

With lola this time! Papa took the photo.

I was teary eyed while the graduates sang their graduation songs. I felt happy, sad, nostalgic, and... old. All at the same time. Too overwhelming. Time flies so fast. Just four years ago I was in his place, now I'm graduating... from college...

This "work" from '09, why I hate weheartit.com and some shit I'd like to blabber about

2012-03-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

The content of that noob typography I made in 2009 was something I wrote back in '08. Thus, I just quoted myself. See, I posted this on tumblr, got like 5k notes... until I saw the same words on a different "typography" thingy in weheartit.com and everyone was reblogging it and there was no credit where the words really came from and people credited the stupid weheartit.com site for it. That is stealing. Intellectual property rights?

Don't you just hate it when people steal your words and claim it as theirs? Gah. Annoying.

However, with much introspection, I did realize that these are just words I have written as they were what I felt and they are (still) words that I believe. But, not because I wrote it, it means it is mine, and mine alone. It could have been felt by someone else but failed to describe what they feel as they couldn't find the right words to mix and match to describe it. Here then, I did it for them. I found the words they didn't find. Credit me for writing it and for finding the words you failed to find, then. Not because I was able to put it into words, I could sue people though. I just want the credit.

There are also times when I see something with the same content as this one in someone else's blog post, that's okay. It isn't stealing. Putting it into your own words isn't stealing. For me, I guess. Maybe, s/he already had the thought before you wrote it. In Tagalog, hindi porket nauna kang nagsulat o nagsabi noon eh sayo na yon. It's like you're saying it's only you who are capable of feeling, seeing, or doing those things or ideas. Hindi porket ikaw lang ang unang nagsulat o nagsabi ay ikaw lang ang nakaramdam noon. Maari din itong maramdaman ng iba, kaya maaari din nilang masabi, maisip, o maisulat ang nasabi mo.

Bottompoint: I still hate weheartit.com

I am such a bore

2012-03-19T00:27:00.000-07:00

I know no fun. I'm no gamer. You can't talk to me about DoTA or LoL or Diablo or L4D or CoD. No. I do know all those. I've played some of those, but I know little about them. I do drink. But I can't drink too much or I'll end up sitting on the tiled bathroom floor, vomiting my insides. It's because of my hyperacidity. Or ulcer. I really don't know which, I have not had it checked yet. I never felt that beautiful to be with someone. Or that voluptuous. I have the body of a twelve year old, haven't I told you that? I can dance. I can cook (a little). I can sing (occasionally). Of course I feel good about myself.
Sometimes, I feel too good about myself even.

I'm fine with just a book and holding your hand. Those two plus coffee. Or cigarettes. Or both. Or walking. Just walking with you. We can hold hands. We can talk. We can take pictures. Of us. Or not. It could be the children on the street, some flower, a bridge. Anything. Or maybe we could just enjoy the places and the comfortable silence between us. I'm good with that.

Or maybe we could just stay home. Sit on the floor. Fool around. Watch a film. It doesn't have to be a romantic film, at all, no. Just something we both want to watch. Or we can have fun with my art materials and not care if we create a total mess. Or we can just lay there and listen to music. Some chips would be nice.

I may not talk about the things you like, but I'd always be willing to listen. And I mean really listen.

'Oh, she's a bore' you might think. Maybe I am. I think I am.

I forgot to have an introductory post, but is that even necessary?

2012-03-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Y'kno, people always start with the "Who am I?" themed post when they're in a "new" blog site. I didn't have one. Because that question is just so difficult to answer. Nope, don't get me started with the whole Johari Window thing where you try to "see yourself in different perspectives." No. I also have a huge problem with laying out how we start things.

Next topic.

I can be such a beaut' with make-up, no? First three photos was from the graduation shoot. The first one's got a minor sideboob appearance. Minor 'cause I've got minor boobies too. Lol. My parents and granda are totally excited for my graduation. Problem is, they haven't released our grades yet. I'm quite scared for my grades in Economics and Spanish. Oh my God! Spanish! I cannot fail that subject just because of my absences. (panic, panic!) I really do hope UST would do something about the releasing of grades of Seniors/graduating students because the "thrill" is not good, it's killing me! As for the last photo... that was just taken this afternoon after I've woken up from an afternoon nap. Tried my new E.L.F. lipstick and, well... yeah, that's it.

I still have no plans as to what I'm going to do after graduation. My initial plan was to rest for a month or two, however, *big telecommunications company here *(where my aunt/godmother works) has an opening in the HR Department and she told the manager I'm a graduating Psych student and I had my OJT in their company, different branch. So the manager was "delighted" (and I actually don't know how to put how the manager feels about me, but aunt said the manager liked the fact that I already know the system yaddayadda, I believe you're not stupid, and you do get what I mean). All I'll have to do is submit my resume, get interviewed, see if they like me, I get the job. That's it.

I am thankful for it, yes. Heaps of thanks actually. But, butt, but I do not like the whole idea of the job waiting for me, not me looking for a job just because someone handed the job to me. Too much pride? I don't think so. First, my parents sent me to school to be capable of doing things by myself and for myself in the future. That future, btw, is just weeks from now. So. I get this job, it would completely defeat the purpose of being independent. See, this is the reason why I do not ask for material things way too often. I didn't even ask my parents for a car (as what most people tell me to do) because, first, I know we can't afford one, second, they sent me to school so I could get me a job so I could buy the things I want. From my own efforts. The concept of independence and hiya have such huge effects on me.

Another reason why I'm thinking twice about the job is because... I'd like to work in a cosmetics line. A huge, internationally acclaimed cosmetics line. Here I lay my big, big dilemmas... yet again.

On finding yourself in a strange place. But it feels like home nonetheless.

2012-03-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had that "I just don't belong here" feeling? When you just feel like you've been dropped by some spaceship in a peculiar, alien-filled world and you just feel lost and helpless? I got that too damn often for the past years. For the past four years to be particular.

As it (college) finally comes to a wrap this April (yay! that's just three weeks from now!!) I've come to come up to a brief conclusion to my why's. I've always asked why am I graduating from this course. God sent me D as an answer. He just found himself into my life when I was intending to transfer to another school or program. The moment I learned about his depression, a huge light bulb in my head went on. He is the reason why I'm here. (yeah, chizbolz) Next, what did I lack? Confidence, assertiveness, and motivation. All my life I struggled to get just a wee bit of those skills. I got more than a "wee bit" now. And last, and most importantly, why was I thrown into this world that's far from the life I lived in? I had to discover myself and learn. Basically I had to adjust with myself, not adjust for myself. I had to skip a few things, a few habits, escape from a lot of people, because I knew that's not who I am and not the people I want to be with. I veered away from doing a lot of things that I had to ditch my norms and "follow" everyone else and believe in what everyone else does. I lacked identity.

Bottom point: If you just want to end your overall search for your identity, take up Psychology. Just kidding. But that sure helped a lot.

Ah, four years. Ending soon. Starting another phase in my life. Let this be good.