This is Why

This is why, farewell

2014-04-08T16:02:00.000-05:00

Well I am just sure everyone saw this coming. I mean, you had to have, right? I’ve been distracted and not able to post for some time now. And I don’t even have a legitimate excuse other than I’ve been really busy. The only reason I can even type this right now is because I have an upper respiratory infection and am not allowed to go to my classes.

But I digress. I loved loved loved my blog. As hard as it was sometimes to think of clever posts or little things that would make everyone at least a little happy or contemplative, I always loved what I did. Until October. I withdrew and felt like I couldn’t share my life on my blog anymore. As dramatic as it sounds, yes it was because of a guy taking up all of my time. And when we broke up I assumed I would have more time to write and focus back on my blog.

I was very wrong. I had even less time. I decided to surround myself in my schoolwork and eventually this led to more opportunities and new friendships. I have never been so busy with school in my life. Yet, I have never been happier. So this happiness that my blog used to bring me, was replaced with happiness that these new chances and thrilling opportunities brought me. And yes I was scared out of my mind, but I’ve found a happy medium.

And so, as I started this blog to get me through a rough patch of my life, one that I thought I would never get through, I am through it. And while I may have other rough patches, I feel as though I don’t need my blog anymore. I stopped doing it a long time ago for myself and kept doing it because of all the positive feedback I received, but as I am exploring new opportunities for expression, I find that you guys don’t need me either.

That must sound so emo, but really, it is so thrilling and uplifting because I can’t reiterate enough that I am the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

I will come up with more projects and things to share with you guys, but no longer on this blog. I am officially saying goodbye to it and excited for other things that are coming my way. With the new school adventures I have began, as well as a new job and other things, I can’t foresee being able to keep up with the Kardashians. Just kidding. Just seeing if you were paying attention. But I just can’t foresee being able to keep up with it, as I haven’t been able to this whole semester.

Thank you for reading and giving me wonderful feedback. I honestly never received anything negative. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

This is why I miss MySpace lyrical bulletins

2014-03-04T14:13:00.000-06:00

[No, I did not post last week. I am going to switch to every other week because this semester has been ca-razy. I will elaborate later but for now, enjoy this postage.]

I wish it were still an acceptable thing to post lyrics to a song on various social media. I don’t know if it was acceptable because I was 15 and didn’t know any better or if it was still the early years of MySpace and that sort of thing was okay. Either way, I miss being able to rely on the lyrics of my pop-punk bands and say things like “Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything, pretty soon you’ll figure out you can never get him out of your head.” (I never actually posted that one by Sugarcult; but I never got the chance and now I’m sad at the fleeting thought of less Sugarcult meaning in my life).

My favorite all-time memory was when I was a sophomore in high school and I posted the lyrics to, of course, a Relient K song and it made this guy messaged me. The lyrics were “She’s so pretty but she doesn’t always act that way.” And when you opened the bulletin the lyrics continued, “Her moods are swinging on the swing set almost everyday.” Riveting stuff there.

But if I could post lyrics to Twitter (which I occasionally do) or Facebook (which I never do), I would like to think that they would be more intellectual than the ones I posted all those years ago. That was the beautiful thing about bulletins on MySpace. You could literally post the most worthless junk, like surveys, and no one cared. I mean, come on, who would really read those things. They were so self-centered and terrible, and yes, I posted them all the time.

I remember I had just broken up with a guy and posted a bulletin using a Christian song as the basis for my bulletin, using the basic HTML everyone knew, like how to bold words and whatnot, and the guy messages me and yells at me for “moving on.” This was all based on a bulletin that had nothing to do with him.

If I could post lyrics right now, they would quote two songs from the band, House of Heroes, and they would say:

“If you were mine I’d tear the altar down of all that I’d lost to romance.” And then when you opened it, it would say, “If you were mine I’d risk my dignity if only to give love a chance.”

And the second one would say:

“There’s no virtue in killing a man,” and again, when you opened it, “And neither is the virtue in being afraid to stand.”

Perhaps you can’t relate because you weren’t a lame teenage girl like me, or you didn’t even have a MySpace. Either way, I miss those days. They actually helped me to discover new pop-punk angsty music. How would I have known about New Found Glory’s cover of every song ever without bulletins? I don’t know about you, but there should (most definitely not) be a resurgence of our careless selves on social media.

Except thinking about it, there already has been this resurgence, and it’s selfies galore. So never mind. I’ll cherish the memories I had of my lyric posting.

This is why Tim can't leave?!!!!??!?!

2014-02-18T16:54:00.002-06:00

There’s been talk of Tim Duncan retiring after this year. While many fans are in despair over this, I just have to say: guys, it was bound to happen. And maybe he will get another ring this year and all will feel justified. Or maybe he won’t and the world will forever feel as though it is cruel. Regardless, I’m just happy that he tried and tried and never gave up. But I understand and that doesn’t mean we all won’t be heartbroken.

A few years ago when it looked as though we might have gotten to the finals—and we didn’t—that was the year I started to actually care about basketball. Since then I’ve watched countless games, including non-Spur games, and quizzed my poor brother about what every little play, move, foul, position, and outcome meant. I wanted to learn the game because I wanted to truly learn what and why it meant that we lost that year. In doing so, I gained so much more respect than I already had for Tim Duncan because it became increasingly apparent how much he loves the game.

When I was younger, I didn’t know anything about the Spurs, much less basketball. I would watch games with my brothers and lose interest after a second. I missed a good era, the era where Tim really shined. Not that he doesn’t shine anymore; his stats for this year (not to mention last year) are pretty sweet. It’s just that he shined with a different group in a different time. And I’m just sad I missed it.

I don’t know what brought that change in me a few years back. I think I realized how awesome sports in general were. Those nights I had just moved back home from being at Trinity and would stay up late just to talk to my brother. It was clear to me that he wanted to watch Sports Center and that meant me watching it as well.

I’ve grown to enjoy the NFL and I’ll watch the World Series. But nothing has garnered my attention the way the good ‘ol NBA has. I hope that Tim doesn’t retire. I truly want him to play forever and never leave. I feel rooked because I didn’t get to experience him the way most fans were able to. But that’s okay. I will take what I can get.

If he retires after this year, the game will be missing out on seeing the best power forward of all time continuously play. The league’s best big brother will be gone and at least for Spurs fans, we won’t know what to do with ourselves for a second. But as when David Robinson left, someone will step up; I’m just worried that Pop might also step down.

While it’s just rumors, it makes you think about what would really happen and how an awesome Big Fundamental type-of-guy made you care about something that you otherwise would not have. And if he stays a little while longer, you can totally disregard my sappy post. But, if he does leave, while he will most certainly never see this, I still want to put out into the universe that he has always been my favorite (even when I hardly cared) and I think he’s what every sports’ team needs to get back to the love of the game and what truly matters.

This is why I'm all over the place

2014-02-11T00:00:00.000-06:00

I sat down to write this post last week and had to stop because I was getting so frustrated that I couldn’t communicate what I was thinking. Hence, no post. But basically I went through a long self-loathing period where I didn’t even realize I was doing it and then a couple of weeks ago it dawned on me. I can’t even communicate it this week. All I know is it’s like Defying Gravity from Wicked—something has changed within me.

I think when we stop searching for things we find them. And that is literally all I want to say. I was so preoccupied with trying to type this long message when I don’t have a lot to say.

What I do have to do is blatantly promote my Tumblr, because that’s where I’ve been lately. SO check that out if you want to know what’s been going on in my mind:

www.apileofgrassitis.tumblr.com

Also, if you want to hear more things, tune in to my radio show on KUIW.org every Friday Noon-2. And I play 80s, 90s, and today (not just the hits, actually, very few of the hits, mostly just whatever I like. But you might like it too).

Alright now that I’m done shamelessly promoting myself I’m going to tell you a little story of the time I left a bar feeling stupid.

Once upon a time (who am I kidding, it was a couple of weeks ago) I met this really awesome guy at a bar, and I know what you’re thinking: like who meets anyone worth pursuing at a bar? Normally I would agree with you, but there’s always an exception to the rule. Anyway we talked for over 4 hours and he bought me a beer and then proceeded to not get my number. I was so upset. And then I realized maybe he was waiting for me to give him my number and now I feel dumb and I blame Maggie because she told me not to give him my number.

Moral of the story, if you’re doubting whether you should do something or not, just do it. That’s probably terrible advice but this post is more of a catharsis and less of anything worth taking seriously.

That being said, have a good week, I’m out.

This is why: 100 posts!!!!!!!

2014-01-28T16:53:00.000-06:00

Here it is: MY 100^th POST!! Being the sentimental person that I am, I figured I would take a look back at where I was when I started this blog and give a brief history about some things, WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT.

I started my blog in November of 2011. The previous Summer I thought a lot about starting a blog, just for myself, and with some encouragement, I decided to do it. I started school that semester with every intention to keep going but I needed to take the year off. The blog was the only form of consistency I had since I decided to update it frequently. It was the only way to keep my mind sharp and thinking about writing.

It was (and still is) scary. I never know how certain posts are going to affect different people. I feel like my opinions on here are very tame (WOMEN’S RIGHTS! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY) as opposed to how I am in real life; but you just never know when you are going to upset someone. I also have to think that you can’t please everyone, so I know that eventually I’m going to upset someone. But that’s not the point here. The point is that for 2 and a half-ish years, I’ve kept this blog because I needed something to look forward to and keep me happy back in 2011.

And while I have gone on some hiatuses, I intend to keep it going for as long as I possibly can. I understand that my audience isn’t huge, but it’s big enough to where I feel like I’m affecting people on some level. Even if a post seems boring or average to certain people, I am always getting feedback from other people about how they liked it.

But I digress; I needed this blog back in 2011. I don’t feel the same way anymore even though I intend to keep it. There are other projects that I have in mind about starting and I think I will, but when I do I know that I at least have the confidence to put it out there because of this blog. The scariest thing for me was peoples’ reactions. Especially people like my family who read it.

So if you have some passion but are too afraid to start it, even if it is something as small as a blog, just do it! It’s brought me more joy than it has heartache or fear. So why not give it a chance?

I hope in the future to keep churning out posts that will make you, the reader, laugh, think, or just procrastinate from something for a few minutes. But I also want to try out some new things and I hope that they will be accepted just as much as all my other posts. And thank you for continuously coming back and reading.

Because I don’t really have a good conclusion for this post, as I am actually awful at them, here’s a picture of a waterfall I took that has nothing to do with anything.

(Hundred- The Fray, one of my favorite songs and coincidently, 100 posts. Warning: it's kind of sad but beautiful)

This is why you should listen to yourself

2014-01-21T22:26:00.003-06:00

If I had a blog post for every time I wanted to start a post by saying, “I am so dumb,” then I’d have all my blog posts ever. It’s not that I really think I have problems, it’s that I know that going in I shouldn’t be writing that week. Something always comes up, it’s inevitable. And then I have to convince myself, “Well that’s life, something’s always going to come up.” And then I tell myself, “Okay, thanks, Mom.” And then myself and I have a good laugh followed by a deep cry, as per usual.

So why am “I so dumb,” this week? I don’t know. I guess it’s because I have been pushing my limits lately and it’s finally catching up on me. I feel like this is a safe space, even though it’s the Internet and nothing is safe, so I can talk, amigo to amigo. I was like, “Yeah I can handle more work this semester;” and clearly I’m failing at that because it’s only the second week and I am already pretty behind as I procrastinate and write this cathartic blog post. I also have been getting no sleep lately because my mind is just so wired with all these constant thoughts and worries that I’m just like, well, crap.

Don’t worry. I’m not too hard on myself. I still allow myself to pig out on junk food simply because I come home tired and drained. Which leads me to my main point (and for the record, I am so tired that I combined the words “main,” and “point,” and wrote “pain”), guys, don’t be hard on yourself. I don’t even know why I’m freaking out already about this semester and feeling terrible. Why? To get all As. It’d be nice, but I’m just trying to do my best.

When you try to keep up with the world, it’s just going to swallow you. Keep up with yourself, that’s what’s more important. I always know I am getting ahead of myself when I start to dream about oddly specific recurring dreams. It’s like, oh great, another haunted house dream, time to wake up and fix my life. Which is weird, but that’s how I always know I need to not freak out. And everyone’s different and everyone has his or her own way of knowing when to slow down.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.

Like that one song with the same name.

OR as Mother Willow in Pocahontas says in all of her old-grandmotherly wisdom, “Listen with your heart, you will understand.”

Okay I’m done lecturing myself. Time to go to sleep. And hopefully not have haunted house “get-your-life-together” dreams.

This is why falling.

2014-01-14T00:45:00.000-06:00

[I've been going through some things lately that I haven't felt comfortable talking about that much. I wrote this piece, if you will, to kind of explain it; however, it is cryptic. It's different than anything I usually post but I hope you enjoy it, nevertheless]

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. One step back. And one more. Scan the crowd with my eyes only tilting my head for a moment. Blink once. Fidget my fingers, curling them with the air. Up ahead is a ramp. The more I step back, the taller it grows. I have a split second to decide to conquer it or run away. Suddenly I’m off.

My heart is in my throat and I am running. Running as fast as I can with the adrenaline pumping and fueling. Pumping and fueling my body as well as my desire. I am propelling myself faster and faster toward the ramp. I didn’t cower away. I chose the ramp.

The ramp, fun and colorful, now appears to be turning, twisting almost, into a dark force. The smooth surface seems to turn textured like a tree the closer I get to it. One foot in front of the other. Keep running. Keep pushing. Don’t back down. I do not know what is on the other side of the ramp. The farthest I can see is the pinnacle of the ramp.

Still, I run.

When I finally catch up to the ramp and thrust my leg onto the structure, it doesn’t move. In fact, I glide. The ramp returns to its colorful and glorified state. And for a second I forget I’m running. Relax. Relax. Breathe.

I could turn around now, or I can go higher and higher. I choose higher. And suddenly, I know it is time to see what is on the other side.

Except that when I look there’s nothing. Just an abyss. I jump. Not because I want to, but because the ramp has abruptly ended. I don’t have time to process why it’s gone; all I know is that the ramp is out from under me. And I fall.

Mid-fall I realize had I turned around sooner, or even jumped sooner, the fall would be shorter. Nothing I can do now. I will crash. And it will hurt. But I will get up and go again. Perhaps next time I’ll do something differently. As I let myself fall, the crowd (silent for all this time) gasps. Some shouts here and there, but they know I’ll be fine. I don’t know that quite yet.

Falling.

The inevitable crash hurts. I can’t say for how long. But it hurts.

And when I get back up, I go again.

This is why friends are more permanent than candy

2014-01-07T00:28:00.000-06:00

When I was in 7^th grade, I had a fair amount of friends. Some, I was closer to than others. One day I was with one of my friends and we found that a cabinet in a classroom was unlocked. This was rather odd because usually the cabinets in this particular classroom were always locked. When we opened it, we found Jolly Rancher candy in it. Being the kids we were and it being the appetizing candy it was, we each took one. We went back to that cabinet every so often to take a piece of candy.

Eventually, we told our other friends so they could share in on the joy that was that candy. It never occurred to us that we couldn’t have it and that it potentially belonged to someone else because we were 12 and that sort of “right” and “wrong” didn’t really cross our minds. One day when the original friend I found the candy with and I were out doing something, the other friends we told got caught taking the candy. They were immediately sent to the principal’s office and were suspended.

This wouldn’t have been a big deal except that we were going on a field trip that Friday and they weren’t allowed to go. The principal asked if there was anyone else that knew about the candy and took from it and my good ol’ friends, being the pals that they were did not rat us out even though it was our (mostly my, since I was the one that originally found the candy) fault that they couldn’t go on the field trip and were stuck in the principal’s office with an in school suspension that went on their records.

The moral of this story is that I had really good friends. Some would argue that they did the dishonest thing and lied, but I got to go on the field trip, so I don’t see it that way. No, but we were 12. So I think that it was a crucial time to learn a lesson and while I didn’t get in trouble, I really did learn the value of sticking by your friends.

The reason I bring up that story today is that I think I’ve been a really crappy friend lately. I haven’t been there for everyone and friendship and loyalty is something I value above most things. If it weren’t for my friends sticking by me through more than odd candy suspensions I wouldn’t have made it this far in life.

I don’t really want to get into that much detail about why I haven’t been there for everyone, but I want whoever is reading this post to know that I recognize the situation and I am doing everything in my power to fix it while it’s not that bad. I also realize that not everyone will get what I’m saying, so just carry on if you feel like you aren’t affected. But I just haven’t been the type of friend that would stick their neck out for someone so that they could avoid punishment. And that’s just a horrible way to live.

I do want to add that the next year, some athletes were caught taking soda from a different room and were not suspended. In fact their punishment was to say that they were sorry. I think that was unjust. But if it means that I learned what it was to be a true friend, then I guess everything fell into place.

I love each one of you and all of my friends and I want you to know that if you got caught taking candy, well this is the real world so I don’t want to get arrested. But if it came down to it, I want to always be there for you.

This is why 2013 was the year of The Almost's

2013-12-31T14:42:00.001-06:00

2013 was a very strange year. It was the year that Miley Cyrus and a Syrian war filled the headlines at the same time. 2013 brought a lot of chaos and confusion and also a lot of controversy and scandal. To me, 2013 seems like the year of “The Almost’s.” (No, not the band, although I do love The Almost). But for me, 2013 was the year that had so much potential and just couldn’t reach it or get to where it was headed.

On a grander scale, 2013 had so much promise and every time it seemed like we were making progress on something, it just fell through. The top news stories according to Yahoo! News were:

1. Jodi Arias trial
2. Obamacare (Affordable Care Act)
3. Boston Marathon bombing
4. Royal baby birth
5. George Zimmerman trial
6. Syria civil war
7. North Korea missile threats
8. Papal transition
9. Death of Nelson Mandela
10. Paula Deen lawsuit

You don’t need me to tell you why all of these things just had potential; some of them actually aren’t that bad and still have the possibility to do something great such as the Pope and the Royal baby. Those two united people and have the capacity to keep uniting people. But everything else on that list just divided people or brought about sadness or worry.

On a personal note, my life too had a lot of twists and turns in 2013 that could have (and still might) evolve into something greater. But my job almost worked out. My sports team almost won the Finals. Yet another relationship that almost made it.

I try not to dwell on those things though, because I want to move on and just keep getting better. While there were a lot of Almost’s, there were still things that worked out. And what people, and I myself, tend to forget is that the world doesn’t stop at 2013. Just because there are so many year-end reviews and various reflections, that doesn’t mean that the stories that were prominent are completely over. We still have more time, thankfully. And I'm not dismissing 2013 entirely. There were definitely good aspects about it.

I don’t know what 2014 will bring about but I am so optimistic because I know that I have grown so much in the past year. Whatever happens, even if it’s just potential, I have total faith that everything will work out just fine.

This is why I love the Christmas lead-up

2013-12-24T15:34:00.002-06:00

I absolutely adore Christmas. As with many individuals, it is my favorite holiday of the year. The reason I love it is because of the entire Christmas season. I celebrate advent. So I just enjoy the lead up. That’s why my family refuses to open gifts until Christmas day. It isn’t about who gets what or who can out-gift each other. It’s about spending time with one another. But you don’t need to hear this lecture from me.

What I want to share is my experience of the lead up. I wasn’t able to get into Halloween or Thanksgiving this year. They didn’t even feel like holidays; but Christmas will always feel like Christmas for me. And it’s because I don’t stress out about the meal or the gifts. It’s because those 4 weeks after Thanksgiving and before Christmas are spent fantasizing and preparing for the actual day.

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. It’s like when you have really yummy food in the fridge, but you have to leave. You know that when you get home it will be there waiting for you and that you can fully enjoy it. For me, waiting is the best part. I know that might be weird but I don’t mind waiting for something if I know that in the end it will be everything I want and the wait will be worth it.

If you are reading this within 24 hours of me posting it, then I thank you for taking time out of the holiday to spend it reading my awesome blog. If you are reading it anytime after those 24 hours then I am especially happy because you were probably busy enjoying your time (whether it be with family, friends, or just doing something you love). So I’m going to stop typing now and go spend time enjoying my lead-up hours.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

This is why there's a surprise at the end

2013-12-17T15:52:00.002-06:00

It is that time of year again, in between finals and Christmas, where I do quite a bit of reflecting. It is in these times that I would ideally like to get sentimental and thankful for this past year, and don’t get me wrong, I totally am. It’s just that this year I’m trying something different. Instead of sitting and reflecting, I am just go, go, go.

Why? I’ve learned about myself that if I reflect on my life for too long I start to regret the things I could’ve done and dwell on the things that went sour. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead, I’m trying to be productive and getting a lot of things done. The scary part is I don’t know if I’m making a mistake. Trying to be grateful and trying to just reflect are two different things.

I want to turn any possible negativity into fuel for something greater than myself. Even if it means I just read more or spend more time with friends. What a better way to give back than by spending it with those I love or even just bettering myself?

I’m sorry if this hits too close to home or wasn’t enough of a distraction for you as we near the end of the year, but it was something that was weighing heavily on my chest. I probably wasn’t very clear last week about coming back to writing my blog, but it’s so that I will speak freely about whatever from here on out.

BUT DON’T YOU WORRY! I will still have fun topics and funny insights, just this weeks was not one of those weeks. But I want to know what’s been going on with you! If you need to talk, I am 100% here. Facebook me, Tweet me, whatever. I’ll listen. In fact, if you want to know my opinion about something, leave something for me to write about. I’d love that.

But until next time, here’s my favorite meme of the moment, Doge:

This is why I'm back

2013-12-10T16:48:00.001-06:00

Hello and welcome back to the exciting adventures of my life. It’s been a little over two months since the last time I posted and you’re probably wondering what the heck happened. Either you are curious as to why my disappearance took place or you know the answer. The answer is simple, life, and isn’t that always the answer?

I never intended to stop writing, as it is something I love. When I started this blog back in 2011 it was because I was basically stuck at home and I loved to write. Times have drastically changed since then. I definitely go out more and have more of a life. I’ve been back at school and my love for writing has turned into passions for other things. That being said, I found myself exhausted by keeping up with my blog as well as school and other things. My posts started to feel forced and like I didn’t care about my subject matter.

I needed to take a break. Plus, I was keeping up with two other blogs for school and having three blogs was tiring. But enough with the excuses. Here’s the real reason I’m back: I have time again. There were things I was going through that I didn’t feel were necessary to post on here; which I know is weird because I’m such an open book on here. Those events are over, however, and I am free to speak openly about anything.

SO what does that mean? Yes, I am back. I am better. And I am ready. Ready for what? I don’t know and I don’t care. Whatever life throws at me. I’m not afraid anymore. I know I’ve been through more than the average 21 year old and I am excited for what life brings. Life might have been the reason I wasn’t able to post but it is also the reason for why I can again, if that makes sense.

I love you all and I can’t wait to come back with another exciting edition of my life, my opinion, and my know-how. (Plus I’m done with finals so anyone still taking them, good luck).

This is why I can solve the government shutdown

2013-10-08T16:11:00.001-05:00

I’m not one to jump to conclusions, unless it’s the game from Office Space, but I think the reason both Texas NFL teams lost this week is because of the government shutdown. I’m not a huge fan of football, but I enjoy it enough to watch it sparingly. And when the whole state is talking about it, you know it’s a big deal. I’m sure the rest of the country doesn’t mind knocking Texas down a peg, but we’re not Canada. Treat us with some respect.

I also blame the smaller cookie packaging sizes on the government shutdown. If you notice, the trays are smaller than before. I blame the lack of clear Bigfoot, Lochness Monster, and UFO pictures on the government shutdown. I blame the smell of tuna on the government shutdown. And lastly, I blame the lack of respect Parks and Recreation gets on the government shutdown.

Why? Because there is always a need for a scapegoat; and if our world is lucky enough, every so often there is this magical one thing that everyone can agree on. The one thing that enough people can blame for every little problem the world faces. But I don’t want to trouble you with what’s wrong politically. So I choose to spotlight the world’s tiniest problems and blame them on the government shutdown.

But I believe that for every bad thing that comes from a situation, something good has to come from it. So maybe rainbows and more French bread will come out of this. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Like the increased production of French bread is compensation for the shutdown.

“Oh you had to deal with the government shutdown bothering you? Here’s a loaf of freshly baked French bread. FOR FREE. Because economically the supply isn’t that high so we’re producing them far faster then we can sell them.” And then everyone proceeds to do a choreographed, yet automatically known, dance to Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) by the Backstreet Boys.

I think that would be adequate compensation. It’s delicious and it feeds people and we wouldn’t have to listen to either party ramble on about anything other than bread and of course the Backstreet Boys. This is why I should be the president. Just let me solve the issues.

This is why I'm blessed

2013-10-01T15:16:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of problems; I’ll be the first to admit. But for as many problems as I complain about I have countless more blessings. I know, it’s all mushy and gushy and like, just stop, right? Well no. I’ve been a downer as of late and I need to tell people the awesome things going on in my life.

· I woke up to 15 text messages the other day. People love me, or maybe it was the Sprint network telling me to subscribe to an NFL app. Whatever, it made me feel good.
· I found boots that were cheap and online with free shipping!!!!! It’s a blessing on my wallet.
· I have a wallet.
· I started the show Revolution and finished it in about a week and a half. I mean, it’s one season so far, but that’s still pretty awesome.
· I finally found the right kind of doctors that are going to help me and they don’t force me to take some medications like other doctors.
· My Paw-Paw (grandpa) is about to turn 90!
· I HAVE TICKETS TO SEE MY FAVORITE BAND IN NOVEMBER.
· I’m not failing college.
· I live in a country where girls can go to college. Yes I went there.
· Aaron and I were watching a Broncos game and came up with this doozie (don't worry it's short):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nkvzcMgS54

(and now it's stuck in your head)

This is why I'm weird but there's a picture of kittens

2013-09-23T23:17:00.001-05:00

I feel bad for you if you’re my friend. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a great person to have as a friend. I listen to you. I try and give you advice. I serenade you. Maybe not well, but it is still done. But underneath that top layer of love and affection, there’s another level of pure emotion. Bottom line: I get super emotional about little stuff and my friends have to deal with it.

And lately, it’s been awful. So awful, half of my friends probably haven’t even experienced it. “Huh?” you’re saying. Yeah, I’ve been keeping most of my life on the down-low (I know, 2002 was 11 years ago). When asked what’s new with me, I change the subject. I dread the thought of not having anything new with me. And then I have a panic attack internally and there is all sorts of screaming internally and then sometimes externally. Is my life really so dull to where there is literally nothing new with me?

This part of my life has probably shown on my blog if you frequent it. I haven’t had anything emotional or new to write because there has been absolutely nothing. That’s so sad. We live in a great time where you can constantly do and make things. And I am doing and making nothing. Which leads me to get angry when someone doesn’t text me back (or whatever) after three seconds. That’s what my friends have probably noticed. I can’t help it. When a part of me is so held back and unable to be free on my own volition, I get sick of myself.

I need other people to talk to so I don’t go insane. But what am I to say?! I realize this all probably sounds like white people problems but there is something to the fact that you should always be doing something. Right now I feel like a muscle that hasn’t been used in a long time. When you finally stretch it out, it’s going to hurt. I don’t want that hurt. But I know eventually I have to do it.

So I’m asking you, my dear loved ones, give me ideas! Help me get out of this weird funky thing. I don’t know how. But if you see me or hear from me, help me do something with my life.

Wow I sound like I’m having some sort of quarter life crisis at 21 and this is embarrassing/depressing. To make this less depressing, here is a silly picture I found on the internet:

Go do something with your life. Take it from an underused muscle (I know, I know).

This is why #MarieHasAVlog

2013-09-18T01:09:00.000-05:00

The whole reason I am late in updating my blog this week is because I had an assignment for school. I chose to do my assignment on vlogging my life for a day and so instead of having a written post for y'all, I have this vlog! It's so late because I underestimated how long it would take to post it to YouTube. But here it is! Unfortunately I have to link it because my Blogger account won't let me search for YouTube videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S52pcinsMV8

This is why I can laugh at my shoe

2013-09-09T22:57:00.003-05:00

Welp. I am extremely frustrated. My body just enjoys breaking down. I carry on my merry way and it just keeps bringing me down. But it’s okay. As I sit here with the newly diagnosed tendinitis in my foot I can’t help but laugh. I’m laughing because I have to wear the ugliest shoe ever. I have to wear it for 10 days. Here’s a bad picture of the shoe I’m wearing:

I was placed with this troll of a shoe because I spent a lot of time walking and having a life on Friday. And my foot decided that it was going to swell and look uglier than the Quasimodo of a shoe.

I won’t be having a “real” post tonight, because my foot is in so much pain I can’t focus on anything except whatever’s on TV right now. Which is alternating between Revolution and the NFL. So I hope everyone finds the silver lining to their ugly shoe. Because mine is laughing at the things that most people probably wouldn’t find funny. And lastly, I hope everyone has a good week.

This is why I watch too much post-apocalyptic stuff

2013-09-03T00:13:00.000-05:00

There’s been a question that’s been boggling my mind for some time now. I try to ignore it but it just eats and eats away at my subconscious and I find myself back to it. The question isn’t so much about why it exists as a question, but rather, why doesn’t anyone address it. It is a little crude and not what I usually talk about, but eh, whatever. It is this:

What happens in a post-apocalyptic world where people need to use the bathroom? Where do they go? How do they not die? More importantly, what about that female time of the month? (Okay so it’s a weird set of questions instead of just one).

So hear me out on this one. I’ve been watching a lot of movies and TV shows that take place in a time where it isn’t so safe to go outside. Most of the time these places don’t have the means to have proper plumbing or irrigation. I’ve thought about it ever since I’ve been in middle school and started reading books like this and I’ve had these questions.

For instance, in The Hunger Games, Katniss spends what seems like an eternity up in that tree waiting for the other tributes to pass by. I don’t know, maybe it was only a day. But the question remains, what did she do? She couldn’t have spent all that time in a tree, getting chased by tracker-jackets to never go. And what did she do on her time of the month?! The game-makers are so cruel I doubt they’d allow for female products. And even if they did, when do you find time to fix everything up? Certainly not when large fireballs are being flung toward your head!!

It’s also no secret that I love The Walking Dead. Well they do a pretty good job of showing everything a human could go through whilst in a zombie apocalypse. Lori gave birth while Maggie and Carl were fighting off Walkers. So I’m pretty sure they just deal with it and fight zombies while changing their tampon, but I would really like to see that issue addressed in season 4.

I started the show Revolution a few nights ago and have been obsessed. But, again, the question on my mind is what happens to using the restroom when all forms of electricity and modern-technology die? I mean, in Europe back in the time of the Bubonic Plague, people would just dump their buckets into streets. I’m sure that’s what people would have to do in this show, but again, they never show it.

This may or may not have grossed you out. I apologize if it did, but this really bothers me and since in hindsight I watch a lot of stuff about the end of the world, these questions just come up. And maybe you should thank me. I mean, either you’ve thought about it too or you are now fully aware of a loophole in all writing. In either case I realize this was weird and we don’t ever have to bring it up again. But if for some reason the power goes out everywhere permanently, or we live in a world where teenagers have to fight to the death, or the zombie apocalypse, you’ll wish you had been more prepared by the TV shows and movies.

This is why I will briefly state the ramblings in my head

2013-08-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

I'm having writer's block. Everything I want to communicate is just not panning out. I have a post ready, actually. But I'm so nervous to post it that I don't think it will be up for a little while. Like a fine wine it needs time to age (meaning, I need time to work on it some more and let me be more comfortable with it). And then I wanted to write about the VMAs but everyone beat me to it and my commentary felt forced and probably already said. So I'll just give brief bullet points about all my thoughts for this week and keep this short and sweet and let you carry about on your day:

What Miley Cyrus did does not make her a "skank" or a "hoe" or anything like that. But she also shouldn't be applauded for it either. And that's all I will ever say about that ever again.
The ongoing tragedies in Syria and Egypt deserve way more attention than they're getting and it's a shame.
I feel like a traitor to this country but Breaking Bad is taking me forever to get into. I know there's going to be a barrier I break and it'll happen. For the record, I loved The Walking Dead from the start.
I actually missed the NFL and have been loving the pre-season. Now all I need is for the NBA season to start up again.
This past summer my hormones got all out of whack and my acne came back with a vengeance. I went to the dermatologist and that was the best decision ever. If anyone is struggling with acne, trying stuff at home is just going to prolong it. BUT!!!! One of the best things that was helping me in the meantime was putting raw honey on my face and doing a face mask with it. Google it if you're interested.
If anyone is interested in the paranormal and also the spiritual journey, check out a documentary called Wake Up. It's super interesting (also on Netflix).
Lastly, if you're looking for a healthier-ish alternative to chips, try Nut Chips by Blue Diamond. They are my new favorite food items.

I hope everyone has a good week!

This is why I'm speechless

2013-08-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we find comfort in the silence among others. It is best to not speak. Just sitting with loved ones is enough. No words or noises are needed because the situation does not call for it. Traumatic events will transpire and then call us to be our strongest self. And in those moments when we feel at our weakest sometimes we break down and cry or shout or say things we don’t mean. And other times we sit in silence.

This week’s story is not mine to tell and I would never give away someone else’s journey for the sake of a blog. Just know to keep someone I know in your thoughts and prayers. Even if you’re not a religious or spiritual person, send mental well wishes to this person and their family. I think that in times like these everyone clings to the thought that even thinking about someone will help.

To keep this short I want to get this message across: I will listen to you. Even if you feel like no one is listening, I am. Someone else is. Don’t keep anything you feel is too heavy or burdensome to yourself if you feel the weight of it all is too much to take. I know it’s said a lot but you are loved. Talk to me, someone, anyone, if you feel you cannot go on. And if that isn’t your style, find comfort in silence with someone. Or be that comfort to someone else. It could make a world of difference.

This is why sharks won't bring me down

2013-08-13T00:35:00.000-05:00

As any person in denial, I would like to think I have my life together. But sometimes I am just a tweet away from losing faith in humanity (seriously, if you are in college or older, please stop calling out your exes). So it’s always nice to get away from social media or life or just twitter even if it’s only for a day. I had the great opportunity to leave all my worries behind this past Saturday and have a family girls' day at the beach.

I hadn’t been to the beach in 2 years. And if you know me then you know that it’s been that long because I usually dedicate an entire nonsensical Facebook album to it. I thrive at the beach. I attribute this to the fact that my Zodiac sign is a Cancer and as a crab, it is required to be in the water. Or something. Or perhaps I just enjoy the feeling of being submersed. It’s so freeing. The drive down there was great. Which is saying a lot because I hate spending time in cars. But I enjoyed the scenery and pleasantries of talking. But I was just hankering to get on that sand and into the water.

I could drag this out with my tales of my heart pounding when I saw the coast and how I was like an Anime character with hearts coming out of my eyes upon viewing the sand and water. But I think you get the point. The only problem in this story is that I had been watching Shark Week fairly frequently. STOP GROANING, PLEASE. I know. You either love Shark Week or you hate it. I choose to be bipartisan on the matter. But the fact that I had been watching it left a nervous notion in the back of my mind.

Still, it wasn’t enough to get me to stop from prancing in the water. However, I don’t know if fate just has a funny way of getting to me or I have my own TV show like The Truman Show, and everything I do is already scripted but of course my mom and I were walking out to change directions of where we were swimming and this lady screams to us to get out. I was worried that she was going to say that she had been monitoring us and she noticed we set up our umbrella wrong or something (which for the record was really difficult because it was huge and there were just three of us girls). But alas, it was to tell us they had spotted “a really big shark” near where we were swimming and it was going to eat us and we would die and we had to get out. At least that’s what I heard.

It was all hearsay but I believed the frantic tone in the woman’s voice. Some guys came up to us and were so nervous they could barely talk. When they investigated and came back they resigned it was just a dolphin. I truly believe that the woman who saw it noticed how scared they were and told them that for their peace of mind. And maybe she noticed how into it I was and told me it was a Sand Shark on purpose. Who knows? But if my life is like The Truman Show then that’s what I needed to hear.

I wouldn’t get back in the water after that. I was too scared. But to say I was basically swimming with a shark is pretty cool. And the fact that we Wikipedia’d how dangerous these sharks were and it said not very didn’t diminish how awesome my day was. So all in all getting to experience some sort of weird universe where TV becomes reality was interesting, to say the least. But it was still so freeing to get away. And I recommend the beach to anyone who wants to just forget about their worries. I went to sleep smiling that night dreaming about swimming with the sharks. But in a good way.

This is why I some times take forever to post things

2013-08-06T01:37:00.001-05:00

So every week, without fail, I always wonder what I should write about. It usually comes to me pretty naturally. But some times I just look around the room and this happens.

This is why Scooby will be missed

2013-07-29T23:57:00.001-05:00

I took a fake poetry class at some point in college. I’m calling it fake because I didn’t exactly finish it. But why I didn’t finish it is a weird story. So pretend that fake story doesn’t exist. Because it’s fake. Now think about how many times I’ve used the word “fake” and realize that maybe it’s a bad thing I didn’t finish because I could’ve used the lesson on synonyms. The point to my odd ramblings is that I only remember two things from the class. One was that there was a poet with the name William Carlos Williams. The other thing I remember is a line a four or five year old wrote in a poem about his dog.

This little boy loved his dog. He loved his dog so much that when the dog passed away, the boy was depressed. He was having trouble in school and my professor asked him to write a poem about it. His poem was two lines and said:

“I miss my dog so much, I am reminded of him every time I look at the air.”

On Monday the dog I grew up with died. And I needed to lead in with that story because I need to convey that I completely understand that people love their pets so much. But if you met Scooby, my dog, you’d understand what I meant when I say it was hard to constantly love him. He would bark at literally any little movement. He would start in this low-pitched growl and move in to full eardrum-exploding chaos that nothing could tame. He would bite anyone he didn’t know, and since he had a horrible memory, that included his family. So sometimes he was hard to deal with.

But I also need to express that while I didn’t always show it, I loved him. And I loved him because my dad loved him. When my dad was in an accident where he was cutting down a tree and fell out and broke his legs, Scooby was outside with him. He ran to his rescue and stayed by his side until my dad got help. We also believe that the whole reason the Spurs won 4 championships is because in high-stress moments, we would play with Scooby and the Spurs would start to do better. He was a member of our family.

I can’t say that I was always gracious toward him, but I would have never done anything to hurt him. Animals are always to be at the very least respected. So to this, RIP Scooby. You will honestly be missed. And for some time that line will stick with me. I will think of you every time I look at the air.

This is why I got help

2013-07-23T01:00:00.002-05:00

I’m going to warn you that I will be explicit right now. This is the story of the time I gained self-confidence, lost it, and gained it again. This cycle repeats itself countless times so we’ll just jump to me being 11. Oddly, that’s when I had my first “boyfriend.” It was middle school. So if you ask me now I will deny ever having a boyfriend before the age of 15, but honest to Buddha that’s when it all started. We were on-again-off again, whatever that means, through about 12. Being an angsty pre-teen white girl going to private school has its disadvantages, I suppose. So being romantically attached combined with a few mean girls, my confidence I had experienced my entire life was shot down.

That’s all boring. So let’s jump now to when I was 18. I had recovered from my white-girl self-loathing to be a relatively happy teenager. Sure, I was moody and wanted to live for some time like I was on my Super Sweet 16, but I got over that pretty quickly. Then around the time when I turned 18 it all went downhill. I was in college and hiding the fact that I was the most uncomfortable I had ever been living in the dorms at a school where I knew like 1 person. I was used to being well known and moderately well liked and having to do that all over again on top of learn actual useful knowledge was exhausting. I went through a lot of crap that year and that year was simultaneously the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.

I barely made it out. Okay that’s being a bit dramatic; let me dial it back a bit. I barely made it out, emotionally. I was an absolute wreck. And you probably guessed it. It was because of events that transpired with a boy. How foolish of me. I risked my mental and physical well-being for a guy that I don’t even currently know anything about anymore. For a short while, he ruined me. And then a year later something magical happened.

You see, I said I was mentally and physically done. Seriously, I had lost so much weight and was such a mess that I’m sure given not too much time, I would’ve ended up in the hospital. OH WAIT I DID. I was on a downward spiral that I could predict ending badly and had already damaged myself pretty badly. So yeah. That’s how that went. But I decided for many reasons to leave that school (I wrote about it awhile back). And taking some time to myself was the best decision ever. And one day, when I was sad and reflecting on everything, I felt like I needed to prove something to myself.

I decided to get healthier, and I did. But did I mention I never knew how to sallow pills? I knew I needed to be on an anti-depressant, but they could never work just right because I always had to crush them. So one night I took the initiative. I told myself I would learn how to properly sallow pills and I did. And in getting healthier and exercising and all that jazz, I gained weight and looked healthy for once. And in doing so I actually got a rockin’ bod in the process (my flat-chested friends, there is always hope).

So yes, I was down for a while. I was so sad over things that I probably shouldn’t have been sad about. But isn’t that always the case? I implore anyone who is sad that getting help should never take as much effort as I made it. If you need to be on anti-depressants, that doesn’t make you weak. I feel a bajilion times better now and I’m still on them. It’s okay. I also sought the help of a professional and spoke to someone about everything that happened. It helped me to come to terms with a lot. Moral of the story is don’t let stupid boys (or girls) dictate your self-confidence. You are beautiful and you are unique and no one can rob you of that truth. I just had to learn that the hard way.

This is why girls need to be friends with girls

2013-07-18T15:52:00.003-05:00

This post is a few days late but a long time coming. It’s about WHY DO GIRLS CLAIM TO HATE OTHER GIRLS?! I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a girl tweet, or talk out loud, or something about not being able to be friends with other girls. And sure, there is a difference between hating other girls and not being able to be friends with them; but usually the girls who are saying they can’t be friends with other girls are the ones who irrationally hate them.

I have had several friend groups where it has been exclusively girls and we grew apart and are no longer friends. At least that’s how I see it. I don’t resent them and I genuinely hope they are doing well. However, there are a few girls who for no reason whatsoever hate me now. (Actually I’m sure there is some reason. I just don’t know it). My point is that these are the same girls who claim to not be able to be friends with other girls. My thought process is that I’m awesome. These other girls are awesome. Why do we have to not be friends because they’re biased against their own gender? It’s just plain ridiculous to me.

It’s also sad that there is some girl-on-girl hating here. Females have come a long way and have fought for so many things. There is no need to set that back by being catty and unwilling to talk to someone. I blame the reality shows that were around when I was in middle and early high school. Girls thought if there was drama, it would amplify how cool their lives were. Drama is bad. Drama is dumb. Why do we need to model our society around girls who do anything for attention—including hating on other girls.

I don’t think guys do this. I am pretty sure I have never heard or seen a guys say, “I just cannot be friends with other guys.” It seems silly. I don’t want to get into a debate about genders, but why can’t everyone just love everyone? Sure, if you don’t like someone for a legitimate reason, don’t be his or her friend. But don’t exclude 50% of the population because you are a dramatic-attention-seeking person. All I’m saying is get to know people before you count them out. Just because the majority may seem to be girls, doesn’t mean you should hate on every girl ever.