This Man Must Be Stopped

The mostest wonderfulest time of the year!

2010-11-16T11:25:00.001-06:00

Gather 'round, kids, and let your Uncle Bart tell you about the magic of the holiday season. This is your Uncle Bart's favorite time of year. Who can guess why?

"To celebrate the birth of Our Lord?"

Um... no. That part's great and all, don't get me wrong, but no.

"To spend time with family?"

Wow. Were you intentionally trying to get that wrong? No. Because you know what's worse than seeing your family? Pretending that you're having a good time. And that's what you have to do during the holidays. Are you the one that was dropped on your head as a baby? Well, I guess you wouldn't remember. Anyway, no. Next.

"Because of the presents?"

Mmm, close. You're clearly the brightest of my nieces, nephews, and assorted demi-relations here today. Because that is close. Not quite there, but close.

Any other guesses? No? Is everyone here destined to end up in junior college? OK, I'll tell you. I love this time of year because when you buy booze, you get an extra gift. Yes, it's a present, but not from some clueless relation. It's like a present from one of your closest friends, who knows you better than anyone. You're like, "Oh, Tullamore Dew, you shouldn't have! How did you know I needed a decanter?" Or, "Gee, Knob Creek, I've been wanting a flask with your name on it! Now I can take your delicious taste wherever I go!" Or, "Gentleman Jack, those martini glasses will be perfect for serving a variety of drinks. You're the best!"

I mean seriously, what did you little punks get me for Christmas? A fridge magnet? A mixed CD that you burned 30 copies of? Ask yourself this: did you get me ANYTHING that is anywhere as good as any of my free holiday booze presents? No? Well next year, take a clue from my friends Tully, Creek and Jack and get me something GOOD. And if you need your parents to chip in for the cost, that's OK too. It just shows you love your Uncle Bart.

-----------

In all seriousness, I dragged Mrs. Bart to a mega-liquor store last weekend just to look at the holiday gift packs. Between my love of free gifts and my love of swag, each year I'm giddy when these gift packs show up and sad when they leave. Mrs. Bart pointed out that we're all good on glass-ware (branded or not), so I got the Knob Creek + flask gift pack. Score.

Street Justice

2010-11-11T21:53:00.001-06:00

Literally.

Federal Bureau of Manners: The Nod from Larry Miller

10 Minutes to Lie

2010-10-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

Alyssa Milano and other celebrities would have you believe it only takes 10 minutes to vote:

10 Minutes from Alyssa Milano

Even leaving out transit time, it took me over an hour to vote, and I voted early. I've voted on election day before and it was a total nightmare.

Ever year I swear that next time I'll request an absentee ballot. Maybe next time I'll remember.

Until next time, remember: Alyssa Milano is a liar.

Also, I was pissed off that Eric McCormack was telling me how to vote because he's Canadian, until I read that he also has US citizenship. So I'm only half pissed.

Thanks, Robo Chicky

2010-10-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

After seeing the Robot Chicken guys do a panel at this year's Star Wars Celebration, I decided it was time for me to catch up on the show. One of my favorite bits so far:

I love the transition from happy skipping / singing to full-on shrieking.

Nagging question answered

2010-10-21T20:37:00.001-05:00

I hate unanswered questions - they tend to stick around in my head. So it's nice when one gets answered.

About 2.5 years ago, Mrs. Bart and I were in California for one of my famous hybrid work / leisure trips. She popped into a Trader Joe's to buy an enormous container of blackberries. I still remember how good they were - they were cheap and from Mexico, and absolutely perfect.

After parking the car I went into TJ's to find Mrs. Bart, and there was a song playing on the store's speaker system. It wasn't loud, but it was distinctive and the melody stuck in my head. I knew I'd heard it before, but I simply couldn't put a name to it. I also hadn't heard a sufficiently long string of lyrics to piece it together with a Google search.

Every now and then this song popped up again in my head, but I was no closer to figuring out what it was. UNTIL TONIGHT.

I rarely watch broadcast TV, but I was tonight, and a commercial came on. About 3 seconds into it, I was like, holy crap, that's the song! There was no doubt in my mind. Plus, I heard enough of the lyrics so that I could do a Google search and figure out what the song was.

And the winner is...

...from 1971, "Brand New Key" by Melanie!

Yeah, I was stumped by an early 70s novelty song. However embarrassed you may be for me, trust me, I'm more embarrassed.

But the good news is, that's one nagging question answered.

A Bart original animated short

2010-09-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

Be forewarned: there is bad news about Frank.

iPhone photo editing & gourmet burgers

2010-09-28T22:16:00.001-05:00

I was enjoying a burger at the Twisted Root for lunch on Sunday (because there's nothing like going to Quaker church and then paying $14 for a hamburger and fried green beans) when I saw this poster hanging in the restaurant:

I thought it was a really neat design, but I also thought that, given the faux-weathered look of the Twisted Root, they might enjoy a more weathered-looking poster. So, iPhone photo editing software to the rescue!

Improvement? Detriment? I dunno. The coolness still shines through, it's just less... legible. And clean looking. Actually if I was sitting next to a poster that had naturally become this dirty, I would not want to eat in whatever restaurant I happened to be in.

So remember, kids, be sure to stop by Twisted Root for "Chickity Check Yo'self B4 U Wreck Yo'Self Saturday Nights". If only they sold chicken sandwiches, that would be perfect.

New Punctuation Mark

2010-07-26T15:51:00.001-05:00

Have you ever answered a question hesitantly, only to have some smartass ask, "Was that a question or a statement?" This happened to me the other day, although fortunately I was both the person making the semi-question / statement, and the person asking what the hell I had just said. Being your own critic is a pretty efficient setup.

Well, I decided right then that what the English language needed was a new punctuation mark for just such an occasion. If you see this new punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, you'll know that the preceding sentence was neither a question or a statement. It was both!

You might ask how this works in spoken form. This is where that pesky "question or statement?" question tends to come up. The good news is it's a self-regulating system. Once the existence of the "quatement" punctuation mark becomes common knowledge, people will no longer ask if you just made a statement or asked a question. If they can't tell one way or the other, they'll just assume you made a "quatement". Creating a gray area makes asking whether everything is black or white unnecessary.

A note about the word "quatement" - I made it up as I was writing this article, as the logical combination of the words question and statement. I did a quick Google search for the term, and found 1,510 references to this word in web pages written in English. So maybe I'm not completely original, but I'm not borrowing other peoples' ideas, either. As far as I can tell, however, none of the other pages is suggesting new punctuation.

As far as the design of the new punctuation mark, that's where I've hit a bump. I'm an idea guy, but I'm no graphic designer. My best idea so far is a backwards "S" over a period. Or maybe, since I'm calling this kind of speech a quatement, a lowercase "q" raised up over a period. That way it looks like the thing it's a symbol for, and it looks a little like a backwards question mark combined with an exclamation mark. Anyone else who's good with symbols (except Dan Brown) is welcome to submit an idea. Since there's no standard form on the keyboard for the quatement punctuation mark, I'll just write it "q."

If you want to read about other ill-conceived ideas of mine, you should check out the rest of my blog q.

Annapolis 4th of July

2010-07-11T14:29:00.001-05:00

I spent July 4 in Annapolis this year, and I have to say they put on a pretty good parade. I'll post a picture montage later, but I took a video of the fife & drum corps that I wanted to share:

Bart's Signature Move is Back!

2010-06-26T23:09:00.000-05:00

Remember my "signature move"? Well, just in time for summer, it's back. I recently saw it imitated in two places. As proof, here are the videos:

I don't know if seeing "the move" in more than one place bolsters my argument that it's a real thing and not a product of my fevered imagination, but it can't hurt.

A memo to would-be BP boycotters

2010-06-22T22:17:00.000-05:00

Hello out there, blog readers. I know you're upset about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and think that boycotting BP is a kick-ass way to do something about it. Today I'm going to do three things: first, I'm going to point out why your idea is stupid. Second, I'm going to point out why your idea won't work. Third, and most importantly, I'm going to tell you how the oil industry actually works.

Part 1: Why your idea is stupid.

"Those bastards," you think. "They need to be punished. I should never buy any gas from BP again." Well, that's stupid. For all you left-wingers out there, boycotting BP is stupid because remember how BP is responsible for all the costs of the clean-up? Well, BP needs to be an ongoing concern if you're going to extort the maximum amount of money from them. Otherwise they can't pay. At a minimum, they need to stay alive just long enough to extract the maximum amount of money possible. I'm thinking 10 years.

For any right-wingers who might be thinking that a boycott is the way to go, consider this: BP employs a shit-load of Americans. We need as many employed Americans as possible. Let's be outraged on our own time. Your fellow Americans need to get paid.

Semi-unrelated point: remember a few years ago when gas prices were really high, and someone said hey, if no one bought gas for one day, all oil companies would lower gas prices! Remember how well that worked?

Part 2: Why your idea won't work.

So you think that not buying gas at your local BP station is going to hurt BP the company. So you roll past the BP station, and pull into the local am/pm convenience store and fill up and buy a soda. Bad news: you just bought gas at a station that sells BP gas. They just call it something else. If you're seriously going to boycott a company, you have to research all the wholly- and partially-owned subsidiaries and boycott them too. Most boycott-types don't have that kind of attention span.

Anyone that flies is probably going to ride on a jet that's fueled by BP aviation fuel at some point. You don't choose who supplies an airport with av-gas. And if you call airports and airlines and request that they not use BP av-gas, they're going to tell you that you're nuts. They don't want to increase their fuel costs, and refusing to patronize one of the major industry players is certainly going to increase costs. (Economics: same demand for a smaller supply = higher costs.)

Part 3: How the oil industry works.

If you think not going to a BP branded gas station is going to hurt BP, you don't understand how the oil industry works. Here's a primer from a guy who's seen it from the inside. Or, from the outside, but really close to the inside, looking inside.

A) Extraction. The first step in making gasoline is extracting crude oil. There are a lot of companies that do this - there are big names like Chevron, Shell, and BP, but there's also smaller players. Like in 'There Will be Blood', you can have family-owned oil producers.

Here's an interesting fact: the cost to extract crude oil from the ground (or ocean floor) is the largest single factor that determines the price you pay at the pump. Interesting corollary: when the price of crude oil goes up, domestic oil exploration and drilling increases. That's because oil fields which were previously too expensive to drill (either because of the types of equipment needed, or because of the rate of production, or both) are suddenly affordable. So when the price of oil went way up a few years ago, I wasn't pleased about what I was paying at the pump, but suddenly I had family members making good money working in the oil business.

B) Refining. At the refinery, oil is turned from crude into gasoline. Refineries are typically owned by a big oil company: your Chevrons, Shells, BP, Citgo, Valero, etc. Refiners buy crude oil from producers. Interesting fact about refineries: you can't just take any crude oil, put it in any refinery, and expect gasoline to come out the other end. Each refinery is built to process a specific kind of crude oil, whether it's light sweet crude from West Texas, or nasty tarry shit. So let's say this moratorium on new Gulf of Mexico drilling goes through. There will be refineries up and down the coast that will cut back their production because they don't have sufficient input. And the odds are that there isn't a good replacement product that can be purchased, at least not on short order.

So, to recap thus far, let's say that Pa Kettle Drillers has produced oil from one of their fields, and sold it to a Valero-owned refinery. Valero takes the crude and creates, among other things, raw gasoline.

A word about raw gasoline. In a perfect / sane world, every refinery's output of raw gasoline would be chemically identical to every other refinery's output. Unfortunately, we live in a world (or at least a country) where some states (cough, cough, California) can determine that the fuel sold in their state needs to have special formulations. Which sounds great unless you live in Needles, California. When you buy gas in Needles, it's gas that was trucked in from Los Angeles at great expense (which jacks up the price at the pump). If California didn't have their own crazy rules, that gas could be trucked in from a terminal in Las Vegas for a lot less money.

C) The Terminal. The refinery produces raw gasoline. I saw "raw" because you would not want to put that shit in your car. At least not if you like your car. No, the stuff we think of as gasoline has been massaged so that it burns cleaner and leaves less gunk in your car. Wherever gas companies (Chevron, Shell, etc.) want to move their branded product, they own a terminal facility. At the terminal they receive shipments of raw gasoline from refiners, and add in detergents, Techron, what have you, to make it their own unique product. The terminal stage is the one part of the fuel chain where you can be sure that a particular gas company is involved. So if you're buying gas at a Chevron station, the only place in the food chain that you can guarantee Chevron was involved is in the adding of detergents to raw gasoline at their terminal.

Taking our example out another step, Pa Kettle drills the oil, Valero refines it, and then sells the raw gas to BP. BP transports the gas to their terminal, where they add in their proprietary ingredients to make it BP-brand gasoline.

D) Transportation. You don't have a fuel terminal in every town - one terminal can serve a large area. So, any gas station that's going to be supplied by that terminal has to get their gas trucked in. Some gas station owners have their own trucks (these are known as jobbers). They send out their trucks to the terminal, fill 'em up, and drive them to the gas station to unload. Other gas station owners contract with third party delivery services to bring the fuel to them (these are known as shippers). It is very rare that a truck owned by the gas company would take gas out to their branded stations. VERY rare.

Let's extend out example yet again. Pa Kettle's crude gets fed into the Valero refinery, which gets delivered to the BP terminal, where it is processed. Jimmy's Shipping Company picks up the gas for delivery to a gas station.

E) The Gas Station. Most gas stations in the US are not owned by the company whose flag they fly. There are a few reasons for this. One is that gas companies, by and large, don't know shit about running a convenience store. Another reason is that gas companies usually decide that their capital dollars are better spent on their core business (extracting and refining oil) rather than selling it. So, your average gas station is going to be owned by a small business owner, often what I like to call a New American. Let's call him Nigel.

Now, this is not to say that oil companies never own convenience stores. When a company wants to extend its presence in an area, they will often build and run new gas stations to do just that. After a while, though, they'll decide they want to cash out, and they will sell the station. One possible caveat is gas stations near that company's corporate headquarters. Chevron stations near San Ramon, CA (Chevron's US HQ) will probably always be company-owned. It's more of a vanity thing than a business necessity, because convenience stores run on very slim margins. Gas companies make all their money on upstream (producing & refining) and hope to break even on downstream (retail sales).

One last time, let's take a look at our example. Pa Kettle's crude gets fed into the Valero refinery, which gets delivered to the BP terminal, where it is processed. Jimmy's Shipping Company picks up the gas for delivery to a gas station owned by Nigel.

Now, that gas station may have a BP logo on it, but the only time BP got involved in the entire life of the gasoline that is sold at that station is when they added detergents to the raw gasoline. That's not a high-margin business. The big money is selling the crude to the refinery.

This is not to say that BP does not produce or refine oil. They definitely do. What I want every would-be boycotter to realize is that when they decide not to buy gas from the local BP station, the impact on BP is infinitesimal. The only person you're really hurting is Nigel. Let's say your boycott works, and all the BP-branded stations in your area shut down or switch to other brands. The gas they sell has to come from somewhere, so everyone in the production chain stays in business except Nigel.

Let's say that you live in an area where there is a BP refinery. Well, bad news, because no matter whose gas you buy (Chevron, Shell, etc.) it all comes from the same refinery.

My point? The only people your boycott hurts are the small business owners who run BP-branded gas stations. And if you say well, that's too bad, they're unintended casualties in a holy war, then you're an asshole, because as noted above, your crusade isn't even hurting BP.

Really want to stick it to BP? Go buy a shrimping boat in southern Louisiana at a discount, then file with BP to get financial assistance because they've ruined your livelihood.

Well, I hope this has been as much fun to read as it was to write. I'm a few drinks in and using Mrs. Bart's tiny computer, so I'll correct any spelling errors later.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Star Wars Seder - the questions

2010-06-15T22:25:00.001-05:00

Since there is now a semi-official Star Wars Day (May 4, as in "May the Fourth Be With You"), I think there ought to be ceremonies or traditions that go along with it. As George Lucas is a member of the tribe, so to speak, I thought it might be fun to have a Star Wars version of the seder dinner.

You would, of course, need appropriate questions. I'm literally doing this off the cuff, so I'm open to suggestions, but some of my ideas are:

-Why is this night different from all other nights? (Because on this night, Star Wars Episode IV was released.)

-Why is it that on all other nights we eat cookies and drink milk, but on this night we eat Wookiee Cookies and drink Blue Milk? (To commemorate Luke's time in the deserts of Tatooine, and because Wookiee Cookies sound really funny.)

-Why is it that on all other nights we watch the Clone Wars Animated Series, or Dr Who, or Star Trek, or whatever we might have from Netflix, but on this night we watch the entire Trilogy, Episodes IV - VI, back-to-back? (Because it's Star Wars night, genius.)

You know, shit like that. Clearly it needs work. But so do so many of my ideas.

The good news is there's an entire Star Wars Cookbook to provide inspiration for the evening's menu.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Sprint is pissing me off

2010-06-14T21:42:00.002-05:00

I'm going to assume you've seen this Sprint commercial. If not, all you need to see is in this screen shot:

"Hi, I'm smart, confident woman of vague ethnicity. See the dumbass white boy sitting next to me? He fucked up big time. Fortunately, Sprint is here to save his ass. Look, the boss isn't going to fire me if something goes wrong. He might have a discrimination lawsuit on his hands. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell because my ethnicity is so vague. I could be half white & half black. I could be half Asian and half white. I could be 3/4 Puerto Rican and 1/4 Floridan Panhandle Redneck. Who the fuck knows? The point is, I'm definitely a woman, and get Sprint, because it will almost make up for the natural incompetence you honkies are pretty much born with."

I know white males are the last safe bastion of making-fun-of, because we secretly run the world with our white male cabal, but seriously, every time I see this commercial I get pissed off. The boss is like, thank fucking Christ I hired this vaguely ethnic chick, because the white boy is just here for looks. Someone's got to do the actual work around here.

Let me tell you, being a white guy isn't easy. First of all, the other white guys barely let me run any of the world. I'm like a sub-peon 3rd class, which means I get to be the mastermind of traffic signals in Thermopolis, Wyoming. That's it. I'll never get to run Australia or anything cool. At best, I might have control of a draw bridge somewhere.

What I'm getting at is, enough with the white-guy bashing, Sprint. Or if it has to be a white guy, at least make him Zach Galifianakis. That way we at least know he's in on the joke.

Check out the rest of my blog!

FIFA Action - Day 1

2010-06-11T17:06:00.001-05:00

Holy shit, do you have World Cup Fever like I do? In that, do you wish most of the world's soccer fans would spontaneously combust, leaving all the good stuff for the rest of us?

Let's look at the awesome-as-hell action breakdown for Day 1: two games ended in ties. One was 1-1, one was 0-0. Boy, I bet the ticket holders are glad they flew from all corners of the earth to goddamn South Africa for those piece of crap games.

Still feel superior, rest of world? At least our sports have some level of excitement. Or scoring. Seriously, a tie is crazily rare in our sports. We go to great lengths to avoid that kind of result.

I normally associate intelligence with the ability to pay attention to things, but I make exceptions in the case of soccer and NASCAR races. You have to be dumber than a stump to stare at a TV (or be at the event itself) long enough to look at something that stupefyingly dull for that long. "But Bart," you may ask, "you will happily watch a 3.5 hour extended edition of one of the Lord of the Rings movies." Yes, but the difference is that is art, and not boring. You may as well watch flies buzzing around a carcass as watch soccer or NASCAR.

Personally, I rate soccer somewhere between arena football and bowling. I realize it takes a lot of athleticism to run up and down a pitch for an hour, but I think an actual marathon would be more entertaining.

Check out the rest of my blog!

"Rights" Part 1

2010-03-22T18:56:00.001-05:00

I know it's been a while since I posted, but I've been busy. See, I vowed that I wouldn't make my triumphant return to blogging until (1) every illegal immigrant in the country was eligible for government-subsidized health insurance, and (2) gays could get married in D.C. Now that I've accomplished those goals, I can return to my first love: typing stuff that somebody might read.

With San Fran Nan (Nancy Pelosi, hereinafter referred to as SFN) and her cohort of congressional donkeys proclaiming loud & clear that health care is a "right", I wanted to examine the idea of "rights" in a multi-part series. Those are always the best anyways.

So, for today's discussion, let's go down the yellow-brick road with SFN and explore the basic and inalienable human right that is health care.

They say that health care is a right. So how do they deliver this right to the masses? They require you to purchase health insurance. That they approve of. Or else you'll be taxed. And jailed if you don't pay the taxes.

What if you choose to pay the fine? Will you still be able to see a doctor or go to the Emergency Room? I haven't heard one way or another. If health care is a right, surely they can't turn you away, right?

I understand the rationale for making everyone buy insurance, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. But implying that the ultimate expression of your right to health care is embodied in the mandatory purchasing of a product is a little like:

-Saying that you have the right to freedom of expression and of the press, so you must subscribe to at least 2 newspapers and 3 magazines. Or else the IRS will tax you. And you'll go to jail if you don't pay the taxes.

-Saying that you have the right to vote, so you have to vote. And pay a poll tax. And you'll go to jail if you don't vote or pay the poll tax.

-Saying that you have the right to freedom of assembly, so you must be a member of an organization such as Rotary, Kiwanis, the Freemasons, etc. And they all charge membership fees. And you'll go to jail if you don't join & pay the fees.

-Saying that you have the right to own property, so by a date certain you must own your residence, or else you'll face fees & penalties. And you'll go to jail if you don't pay them.

-Saying that you have the right to an education, so you have to enroll in (and pay for) one college class every semester. If you don't, you'll be fined, and go to jail if you don't pay the fine.

-Saying that you have freedom of religion, so you must tithe to the church of your choice. I think you know where I'm going here. No tithe = you're going to the big house.

The best part about getting the IRS involved in the "right" to health care is that they're going to be checking up on your ass to make sure you're paying your insurance premiums. Every month. And if you don't, they'll garnish your wages. They'll be the first private collection agency in history that's completely above the law.

But don't worry, it's all being done to make sure your rights are secure. Thanks, San Fran Nan!

Next time: more dumbassery!

Check out the rest of my blog!

President Barry #1 State of the Union Recap Extraordinaire!

2010-01-28T18:56:00.001-06:00

I expected the State of the Union to be a pretty typical speech; policy-heavy, lots of proposals, pitching pet programs... but I didn't expect it to be this... commercialized:

The Republican response was better than average. Usually it's someone sitting alone in a room, talking to a camera, but having audience feedback adds a lot to the experience. Here's a screen grab from the speech:

Knowing politics as I do, I know that little is left to chance. I'm guessing that, prior to this speech, a couple of political consultants had to sit down and figure who the 4 people in frame with the Governor would be.

"Look, we need two men and two women. We should have a military guy, and a black guy."

"No problem on the military guy, but there's no black guys available. Goddammit, I miss Sammy Davis Jr."

"OK, make it a black chick. For the other chick... I don't know, see if you can find a smokin' hot blond. I met a chick at a Halloween party last year dressed as 7 of 9... maybe she's available."

"OK, that leaves one more guy. Another military guy?"

"No, it'll be too obvious that we're stacking the deck. Maybe a businessman?"

"Oh shit, I know! An ASIAN businessman!"

"Hells yeah! You just earned your paycheck this month, fellow politics guy!"

That's pretty much how it happened.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Mountain Dew Throwback

2010-01-20T19:18:00.001-06:00

I'm not a big fan of the Pepsi drink lineup, but when I saw a commercial recently for Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback, I have to admit that my curiosity was piqued. I'm a fan of soda, but I mostly stick to the diet stuff because I don't need the extra calories. But when I go "regular", I like to drink soda that uses real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup: Dublin Dr. Pepper, Mexican Coke, and Passover Coke are the big players among sugar-soda aficionados, although there are plenty of boutique colas made with real sugar (Jones, Izze, Red Bull Simply Cola, etc.).

The "throwback" in Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback refers to their use of real sugar - in this case, a mixture of cane and beet sugar. So even though I'm not a Pepsi fan, I figured this was up my alley. And if I like a concept, I may as well support it. (Hell, I bought a 4-pack of Coca-Cola Blak when it came out, so clearly I'm game for just about anything.) So far I've only been able to find the Mountain Dew Throwback. I was somewhat surprised to find it just stacked in with regular Mountain Dew. The distinct packaging meant you couldn't mistake it for anything else, but still, I thought a limited-edition soda like this deserved a little better placement.

Here's what it looks like:

As far as taste goes, well, it tasted like Mountain Dew, but a little less vile. Mountain Dew has the same failing that 7-Up does, which is that it lacks the tartness that makes Sprite so delightful. Also, the idea of urine-colored sodas doesn't sit well with me, unless it's apple-flavored.

So if you like Mountain Dew, or 7-Up, or weird sodas, or you want to have a party where you pretend you're in the past, pick up a 12-pack while you still can. You can't pretend like you're too far in the past, though, because it has the stay-tab instead of the pull-tab.

Mrs. Bart's review: "It tatest like 7-Up mixed with green Gatorade."

Check out the rest of my blog!

What's on my iPod?

2010-01-18T22:28:00.001-06:00

I spend a lot of time in the car, so my iPod (iPhone in this case) has to be loaded for bear. I can't subsist on commercial radio, with its... commercials. I don't want to turn it on and wait 8 minutes for entertainment. I demand instant gratification. And so, I stock my iPod with only the most delightful and entertaining podcasts. I heartily recommend them all. They're all available on iTunes, just search for the names. Yes, I'm too lazy to figure out the links and them embed them.

1. The Adam Carolla Podcast. New every weekday. He's now incorporating live shows into his already excellent interview-style programs.

2. CarCast. Weekly podcast from Adam Carolla, showing his "car nut" side. There's a lot of talk about headers, which sounds sexier than it really is.

3. Comedy Death Ray Radio. Weekly comedy podcast. Truly excellent.

4. I Love Movies. Stoner comedian Doug Benson's one-every-two-weeks live show in which he jokes about movies with guests. It has games you can play along with at home, if you don't mind never winning.

5. The Sound of Young America. The flagship program from Jesse Thorn, America's Radio Sweetheart (approximately 1 hour of content per week, released in chunks every few days). Interviews with seriously interesting people. I get a lot of books, movies, and music based on what I hear on the program.

6. Jordan, Jesse GO! Released approximately weekly, it's a goofy & hilarious romp with the aforementioned Jesse Thorn and pal Jordan Morris.

7. SModcast. Filmmaker Kevin Smith and assorted guests (usually producer Scott Mosier) shoot the shit for about an hour. Ideally released once a week, although when he's in the middle of filming, or editing, or smoking way too much weed, there tends to be a gap between episodes. Topics range from current events to bizarre flights of fancy, but it's always entertaining. The podcast has spawned books and even art exhibitions, so you know they're doing something right.

That pretty well keeps me occupied on my drives. Although on holidays, or weekends when I'm listening at home, I have to add audiobooks. Such is life. Hope this gives you some ideas for your own mobile entertainment.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Want to really help Haiti? Listen to the Bartman

2010-01-15T22:08:00.001-06:00

Well, it looks like the Crappiest Place on Earth (C) TM, aka Haiti, has just become crappier.

If you're like me, you've read (or listened to the audiobook version of) Mountains Beyond Mountains, the story of an American doctor setting up a comprehensive health system in rural Haiti, and setting new standards for eradication of XDRTB (extreme drug-resistant tuberculosis) at the same time.

Well, the organization this doctor started, Partners in Health, is the real deal. If you really want to help out Haiti, your dollars couldn't go to a better place than here.

And incidentally, if you haven't read or listened to Mountains Beyond Mountains yet, I highly suggest it.

Check out the rest of my blog!

The blu-ray conundrum

2010-01-14T21:03:00.001-06:00

Good news: I got a blu-ray player for Christmas. Yay! It's a gift that I think Jesus would really have been on board with. Until I pick up some blu-ray porn. In which case, I'll be hoping for a pass.

The downside is that I'm faced with a media-incompatibility conundrum the likes of which I haven't seen in a decade. From this day forward, every time I buy a movie, I have to decide whether to get it in DVD or blu-ray. If it's DVD I can play it on my computer or anywhere in the house, but I'll be able to see its imperfections when I stand up really close to the screen. If it's blu-ray it's a little more expensive, and I can only play it in the living room, but it'll look awesome.

So I bought the director's cut of 'Watchmen' on blu-ray today at Target for $20. Seemed like a good deal. Although you can buy a season of 'The Man Show' on DVD for $15. That's the good one with Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, not Joe Rogan and whats-his-nose.

The real difficulty will come in deciding when and if to replace my existing DVDs with blu-ray. There would have to be something really compelling to make me switch. Like 'Star Wars' on blu-ray. Or 'The Empire Strikes Back' on blu-ray. Probably 'Avatar'.

Well, the good news is that now I have something substantial to worry about :)

Check out the rest of my blog!

The greatest gift of all

2009-12-30T08:59:00.000-06:00

This Christmas, I got the greatest gift of all... permission to unleash my inner cholo.

To wit:

Check out the rest of my blog!

Why old people are awesome: Christmas Edition

2009-12-25T10:56:00.000-06:00

This is an actual conversation between Mrs. Bart (MB) and Mrs. Bart's Grandmother (MBG). It's a great illustration of how awesome old people are.

MB: So, grandma, what's for Christmas dinner?

MBG: We're having ham.

MB: Any vegetables?

MBG: Well, I'm making scalloped potatoes, and butter beans, and of course, cornbread to go with the butter beans.

MB: So, no vegetables?

MBG: That's 3 vegetables!

MB: It might be nice to have something green... maybe I'll bring green beans.

MBG: I wouldn't bring green beans, we're already having beans!

[End Transcript]

You might fault their dietary choices, but that generation won Korea, or something like that, so they must be doing something right.

Check out the rest of my blog!

My Top 10 Entertainment Gripes

2009-12-15T13:43:00.001-06:00

My Top 10 Entertainment Gripes, complete with corollaries, as of right now:

10. That Joey ended up with Pacey and not Dawson. (Corollary: that the Dawson's Creek finale was so goddamned maudlin.)

9. That The O.C. concluded with everyone moving to Berkeley. (Corollary: no zombie Marissa in the finale.)

8. That The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Kings didn't have more endings. That's right, haters, I wanted more! (Corollary: no bare elf boobies in the extended edition DVD.)

7. That Seth MacFarlane is handsome, impressively funny and talented, and a multi-millionaire... and 4 years older than me. (Corollary: Not to mention that he avoided being on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11, which is funny when you think about God expending that much effort on an avowed atheist.)

6. That the best Joss Whedon series always seem to get cancelled. (Corollary: that Joss waited until episode 7 in both seasons of Dollhouse to make it really freaking interesting!)

5. That the first Harry Potter movie showed about 40 first-years trooping into the Griffindor dorm. There should be about 10, right? (Corollary: No firm opening date for the Harry Potter theme park in Orlando as yet.)

4. The crazy "new normal" of staggered television seasons, plus delays from the writer's strike, plus strategically delaying a TV Season's release date until just before the new season is set to air. How long since I've seen a new Chuck episode? How long until Mad Men, or True Blood come back on? How long until Season 2 of In Treatment comes out on DVD? (Corollary: I just couldn't get back into Heroes after the writer's strike. Plus, if Hayden Panettiere wants me to watch, she knows what she needs to do. And it has nothing to do with Greenpeace.)

3. The switch from analog to digital TV signals; the switch from DVDs to blu-ray; the switch from regular to flat-screen TVs. I can barely watch a TV show or movie at home now, and half of my equipment no longer works. (Corollary: try convincing your cable company that you don't need to rent their box for $20 a month because your TV can descramble their code all by itself. Not easy.)

2. Having to find new music through TV shows, commercials, and movie trailers because commercial radio is unbearable. (Corollary: why won't Mrs. Bart's XM Radio receiver pick up Howard Stern?)

and finally...

1. I gripe about no great comedians coming to Dallas, and yet I miss the Doug Benson show because it would have been a half hour drive away from home on a weeknight. (Corollary: When is Paul F. Tompkins coming to Dallas?!)

I'm dealing with Grandpa Simpson

2009-12-08T13:13:00.001-06:00

I'm working on a contract right now, and the width of a parcel of land is described as "1 Rod." A goddamned Rod!

Can we not say 16.5 feet? Better yet, can we not round up to 17 feet?

I feel like I'm dealing with Grandpa Simpson or Mr. Burns.

They just keep getting dumber

2009-11-20T15:15:00.001-06:00

I like to say (mostly jokingly) that one of the great things about teaching at a community college is that there are a lot of attractive girls with very low standards. Some of my students are smart, and my classroom is just a stop on their way to someplace better. Some, though, are, by any reasonable definition of the word, dumb.

Incidentally, there seem to be two kinds of dumb: the not-knowing things dumb, and the lack-of-reasoning dumb. I see both on a regular basis. Some unhappy individuals have both.

I firmly believe that it's possible for most people to grow out of both of these kinds of dumb, so that's why I try not to be too hard on teenagers, who are likelier than most to be afflicted with both kinds. Most haven't had sufficient time to grow out of it. Still, it's hard for me not to make a snap judgment when reading this quote from a teenage girl who watched a midnight showing of 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon':

"I think it's probably the best love story ever written, and there's really something in it for everyone," one teen told News 8 at a Dallas movie theater.

The best love story ever written, huh? I have it on authority that the books are godawful, which begs the question: should this girl's teachers be embarrassed? Is it possible she's home-schooled?

"Something in it for everyone"? Really? Are there naked boobies? Because that's the only way I can think of to sit through this abortion of a movie. (That's how I made it through 'Brokeback Mountain', although I did vomit twice. Really.) Oops, I just checked, and the movie's PG-13. That doesn't bode well for the boobies. Or my enjoyment of the movie.

I tell myself, don't be too hard on the girl. It's good that she's reading at all. Hopefully she'll grow out of it and into much better things. And if not, well, maybe we have a future community college student on our hands. I hope she's hot.

Check out the rest of my blog!