This Moment

THE GATHERING

2012-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Two experiences this weekend has brought back a familiar question. What is church? Now for those of you who may read this and not consider yourselves religious or spiritual, read anyway. I’d like your thoughts.

Saturday night we met at friends’ home along with 10 other adults and a few kids. We had dinner. We watched some football (well, the guys did). The ladies talked about kids, education, grandkids, serving others, and even sharing when each of us started our periods. When the football game was over we all got together and started discussing God, the universe and man. A dvd was started about a man traveling around the US asking people on the street what they thought about God, her followers and the church. If some of us weren’t so old we could have stayed longer and continued the discussion among ourselves. We left loving each other more and being aware of carrying each other in our hearts and minds.

This morning Brad and I attended a traditional church service. There was some prayer, some singing, a reading of scripture and a “message” of which the majority was about the business of the denomination. Now, let me say, we have attended this church a few weeks. The people are very gracious and friendly and there is nothing “offensive” about the liturgy.

While sitting in the service I kept thinking about our Saturday night experience and the question kept reverberating in my brain, “Which one of these is really church?” Now I know this is probably very subjective but isn’t anything dealing with spirituality and how it is worked out in your own life? I find myself asking questions like:

Which of these experiences caused my love for friends to grow?

Which of these experiences inspired me to be more involved in justice (or the lack thereof)?

Which of these experiences caused my spirituality to be challenged and fanned to greater intensity?

Are these valid questions to ask about church? How do we define church? In which atmosphere would I feel more compelled to ask people to join me? Is church supposed to be a welcoming of God into our everyday lives? Is church to be a place that when you leave you are a more aware person; more aware of God and of others and the condition of the world?

Of course, for me this also presents a decision. How do I find myself in this “place” on a regular basis?

Enough with the questions, now comes the answering.

THE STORY OR THE ENDING???

2011-09-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

I recently read Stephen King's "Under the Dome". Our son is a big fan of King's. In fact, a few years ago he took me to hear Stephen King lecture for my birthday at the Benaroya Hall when we were all living in Seattle. I have come to love his writing.

I think I have figured out something about King. It will be interesting to see if our son agrees. As I read the last page of the book, I thought, "That's it? That's the end?" But, rather than true disappointment, I smiled at how much I enjoyed the story. That's when it hit me. Most of King's books seems to be like this; kind of anti climatic endings. I then realized (hopefully, accurately) that for King it is about the story, not the ending.

My mind then made this eye-opening leap. Perhaps this is what life should be. We put so much effort on the end: graduating from high school, getting a degree, getting another degree, getting the right job, marrying the right person. And, in evangelical theology, ending up in the right place.

What if the joy, the purpose of life is to enjoy the story? Rather than making all decisions to insure we get to the right place; what if we make each daily decision based on how it effects our story and the story of those we come in contact with?

One of the outcomes of discovering King's method is that the next one of his books I read I will read with sheer enjoyment of each page instead of hurrying to see how it ends. I want to live my life like that; to learn to enjoy each moment. If I live like this, investing in the world moment by moment I won't have to worry about the end.

FREEDOM FROM SIN

2011-04-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

The issue of sin.

You can't ignore this word during Passion Week.
Sin is one among many terms I have wrestled with these last several years. What is it really? A list of don'ts? Something I am born with? A thing I do? An attitude I have?
This morning I am considering this: sin is all about how we treat each other. "Each Other". That is like saying "who is my neighbor"? Usually when I hear the phrase "each other", I think of those in my family, my friends, those I choose to have relationship with. But, in fitting with the true message of the Christ, "each other" is all of God's creation. Every person, even those I don't have a personal contact with, is my "each other". This means taking stands for injustice. This means the people of the world, right now, who are going through upheaval and tragedy. This means the myriad of children in the world who are not being loved by those who should be their greatest lovers. These are those I work with, those that live on my street, those I see living on the street, those collecting cans and bottles, those waiting in line in front of me.
Sin is when I either do something that harms or ignore harm. If I look at the "10" commandments (for there are really only two and yet they are endless), I see they all have to do with making the world, my culture, my society, my place in the world, a place of honoring every one; of caring for everyone; of making decisions and my reactions things that place others equal or above myself.
God promises us freedom. This indeed would be freedom: a world where we walk in peace and harmony and well-being.

I want to think about this during this Holy Week. Passion entails not only the sorrow of suffering and death but love.

ROOM

2011-03-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

It's interesting and
at the same time
curious that even though
I know a thing to
be true there is
still room for doubts
and questions
and even other ways.

Me

THE QUESTIONS KEEP COMING

2011-02-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

"This is so much to absorb. My head hurts from thinking so hard. Do you know how much thinking you have to do in order to question? Then you have to ask all the right questions. Then you have to reach your own conclusion. And then you have to take action. It's HUGE!"

This quote is from my current reading "The Faith Club". When I pulled this book from the library shelf I was drawn to it because of my curiosity. How would these three women develop a friendship when they came from such different places religiously/politically? In many areas it is difficult to seperate those two things. We use religion to justify our politics and we use our politics to support our religion.

This quote is the exact expression of what goes on in my head and my heart. I am continually surprised that almost any book I read (not counting many "just for fun" novels - although some of them can be surprising too), becomes a small part of my spiritual journey. I certainly didn't expect that from this book.

If you have read my blog for a while you know that one of the recurring subjects is my sadness at the state of violence in our city, community, nation and world. Here is a short, completely incomplete list of the peoples who have been violated because of religious/political hatred and sometimes war:

Native Americans                                                          Jews
Japan                                                                             Vietnamese
Palestinians                                                                    Armenians
Russians                                                                          Tibetans
Mexicans

Please add to this list in the comment section. As I am writing this I feel I am making my own personal memorial to all those injured, killed, displaced. My heart is again so full of the pain of others that it is flowing down my cheeks. May I ask that you take a moment of silence to join your heart with mine to becoming more sensitive to these injustices.

THE QUESTIONS OF FRIENDSHIP

2011-01-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

My husband is my best friend. We said many times while living in Seattle that it was a good thing we really liked each other because we spent so much time together. And, we really did enjoy it.

But, today, I want to ask questions about friendship. If you want to answer them, to share your own experiences or to add to the questions; please do.

1- Is friendship really necessary to happiness?

2- Should friendship come by “accident” or by an intentional searching?

3- Where would you go or what would you do to make new friends?

4- Do you have friends who are very different than you?

5- Should you have friends who are very different than you? (I’m referring to religion, ethnicity, age, political biases)

6- Can you have strong disagreements with your friends and it not affect your relationship?

7- Do you wish you could have those kinds of discussions with them?

8- What place in your life do your friends take; how much time should you spend with a friend; what kind of things do you do together; is your significant other included?

9- Is true friendship a dream or a reality?

I’m reading a book right now that has triggered all these questions. I think they are legitimate questions. I also think our lifestyles easily prevent us from developing these kinds of friendships. These are just my musings and wonderings today. I started to say I’m not really looking for answers but I don’t think that’s true.

CONFESSIONAL

2011-01-21T07:50:00.000-08:00

This is sort of a confessional. I don’t know if I need absolution, probably not. But maybe others can identify with this place I am.

I have so many “good” ideas within myself; I might even consider them inspired. “Wouldn’t this be great?” “Couldn’t that be helpful?” And yet, I find myself, I don’t know, maybe paralyzed is the best word. I just can’t seem to bring myself to do any of them.

The most common question I ask is, “Why?” What is it that keeps me from moving forward with any of this? What is at the bottom of this lack of initiative? Maybe fear? Fear of failure? Fear that these things that I consider wonderful, important, valuable will not be viewed by anyone else with the same feeling?

My dear husband has suggested that, maybe, since we have been through so many changes in the last couple of years, we are just needing to have things be constant for a while.. I can see that, but to be honest, when then, will these dreams, these ideas have time to be realized? You do reach a place in life, a stage, if you will, where you can begin to see the end of your life. If I truly want to see some of these ideas happen, how long do I wait to try them?

Some of this probably seems like rambling….and maybe it is. But we don’t always understand how confession cleanses the heart and soul; so I am here, just doing it.

PASSING THE PEACE (and accepting it)

2011-01-19T07:22:00.000-08:00

I have become aware of an ache in my heart. It is for peace. I, personally, am not going through a time of great turmoil and trauma and hurt. That is not the place I am yearning for peace.

It is the peace of the earth I long for. The hatred sewn by others as well as that created in us because of our own history; the violence done throughout the world; the dishonoring of each other; the disrespect of a culture other than my own. It is all so heart wounding.

If we keep moving fast enough, if we keep being busy and disengaged from the world, can we block it out? Can we just do a tsk, tsk during the evening news? I hope not. How can we stop it?

I don’t presume to have the answer. But here are a couple of fanciful thoughts. Maybe they would help:

1-Perhaps “passing the peace” as we meet people throughout our days. No really, what would happen if instead of “hi” we spoke “peace”. Ok, some of you are just thinking that this old hippie has gone round the bend, but maybe it would affect not only others but ourselves.

2-Don’t listen to any prejudice, hatred, judgment or condemnation from others including the media.

3-Begin to read literature that sows love and peace and trust and value for others. Can we re-wash our brains to become instruments that honor and esteem one another?

Not only does humankind need this peace but the earth itself. Sometimes I think it also aches for those who are to be its stewards to sow love and peace not just on each other but on it.

This is a type of spirituality that I long for. Spirituality is the way we live out our lives. No matter where on the spectrum of believing in a transcendent mystery you are, this is a spirituality we can reach for and live.

So, enough………PEACE TO YOU.

WRITING WITH FEAR

2011-01-16T16:01:00.000-08:00

Fear?

A few months ago a friend sent me an article about blog writing. I finally got around to reading it. It’s one of those things I read and think, “I needed to hear this.”

“Probloggers such as Daniel aren’t afraid to let their true selves out. They embrace the fear of writing something that people might disagree with. They put themselves in uncomfortable positions because they want to stand out from the crowd.

Many of you hold back from saying what is truly in your heart. You’re afraid of the reaction that might occur. This is completely understandable, but the only way you will break through and create a blog that people keep coming back to is to create something that people can’t get anywhere else.

You have to create connections with people that allow for deep connections.” (Karl Staib-Daily Blog Tips)

This article made me aware that one of the reasons I haven’t been blogging much is this very thing. Before we made this last move from one city to another, I seem to have no fear about what I wrote. Not that I would be offensive to anyone, but just willing to speak what was in my heart, my mind; where my emotions and challenges were.

I don’t know what there is about being back in this place where I come from that makes me more concerned about what I express. On New Year’s Day one of my daughters asked me what my goals were for 2011. Not being a person who really thinks that way, I was actually very grateful for her question. It became a needed challenge for me. I did respond rather quickly with a couple of things but I now add this to my list:

I want to write freely, without fear, without concern of judgment, with a willingness to be open, vulnerable and transparent.

Crossing the Threshold

2011-01-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of months I continue to ask myself the same question:

What difference does "knowing" God make when I walk out the door each day?

What about my life reflects a spirituality of love and peace? I'm not talking about going out and witnessing. I'm talking about leaving some kind of touch of mystery on everyone I meet. Is this an impossible dream? Maybe. But, surely, there has to be some kind of trail (think vapor trail) left where I travel.

Awareness of God in my life can't be just about me. As nice as it is to sit each morning in my "cell" and read, think, pray; my world must feel the presence of this great, holy one.

Especially with the events of last Saturday in Arizona, peace, honor and love must somehow come to the forefront. How can I encourage that? How can I draw that out of others? How do I woo the God image out of others?

What's Coming?

2010-12-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

I picked up a book today that has been on Brad’s bookshelf for a few years. I think he had to read a selection from it at SU. I may have even looked at the book myself but it wasn’t my time for reading it.

Today, as I began, I felt that uncomfortable feeling stirring within. This book was provoking some anger. I’m not sure what the anger is directed at. Well, maybe it was this same feeling from a few years ago; this is going to mess with me. I realized the many books I have read in the past year were books I could nod my head to and say, “oh, yes, I agree with that”. I’m not sure this book is going to illicit that same kind of response.

But, those aren’t the kind of books that change us; the books we can give mental assent to. I’m not going to mention the name of the book at this time. Trust me, the title, alone, would make you shake your head, not nod. However, I’m ready for some stirring….I think.

This last year of transition has been enough in itself. You can only have so many things poking at you and pulling at you at one time.

This book would be a great one for a book club. There is a bit of fear in me though about starting one, especially with this particular subject matter. That is a little off track but it is part of my thought process as I begin this written journey.

Pain and Life

2010-08-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

My heart seems to continually be in pain lately. I am repeatedly astounded at the cruelty humankind displays. We seem like a weapon aimed at hurting. How can we, created with the express purpose to love, find dominance and revenge and judgement such a huge part of living?

A friend recently posted a video on FB about Oogle, a dog rescued from being a "bait" dog for dog fighters. The news article about the Muslim taxi driver who was stabbed when he answered the question about being Muslim.

Even as I type these stories my heart feels like it is getting bloated with the pain. I keep finding myself saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Oh God, I am sorry that we have come to this. Yes, I know there is much good and beauty in the world. But, that cannot be an excuse for the awful and ugly in the world.

I feel like the whole earth needs to take a very deep breath and learn to be still and present. Can we stop this? I don't know. What I can do is watch how I walk today. Watch my words, watch my thoughts, watch my actions. And perhaps there is one more thing.....gently and without judgement perhaps speak to hurtful situations I come across.

It's kind of like we need a slap to the face for a reality check. Remember those old movies where the guy slaps the woman to try to get her to see what is really happening? (Of course I think those kinds of visuals in movies is a contributing factor to the way some men treat women.) But the point is "we need to get a grip".

God is not going to magically change the world. That is what we are here for. We must, I must personally take responsibility to end cruelty, prejudice, pain, suffering. I just hope that today I can "act justly, love mercy and walk humbly before my God".

(Thanks, Denise, for bringing this passage before me.)

Living Who I Am

2010-08-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have just finished reading Wendell Berry’s “Jaber Crow”. This is one of the best novels I have ever experienced. How do I make that judgment? Because when I am finished I am sad. I am leaving behind people I love and a sense of place I would like to remain in.

Reading this book caused me to think a lot about living who I am made to be; living the “place” I was made to live. Sometimes, many times, this does not fit the culture of our world.

As I read this book that was set in the south, I thought of my dad. Reuben grew up in Arkansas. They were farmers. I have gotten the idea that most people who grew up in that region of the States wanted one thing…..to get out; mostly to move to the dream of California. I understand the economics of the depression would have pushed people to look for the land of opportunity. But, I also wonder how many, by moving, lost part of who they were.

Reuben came to California straight from his military service. I’m not sure if he ever even stopped in Arkansas after his dishcarge . His family had moved to California while he was oversees.

For most of his adult life he lived a California life. Got a job. Worked 9 – 5. When I was very young he hunted. We had hunting dogs and many weekends he would head for the woods. Every vacation we ever took was to the east side of the Sierras. My dad lived for those vacations. We would drive into places no one else would dare to go (and without 4-wheel drive). I often wondered if we would be able to get out. He would leave early in the morning and hike to places to fish; always coming home with dinner.

When I had been married a few years Reuben and Lona bought some property “out in the middle of nowhere”. The first time I saw it I must admit I wasn’t too sure. For a couple of years they lived part time in a trailer on this property while their home was being built and part time in the back of my mom’s beauty salon.

They turned this property into paradise. The house was lovely but the rest of the property was an oasis: fruit trees, vegetable garden, flowers, and room for a pig and a beefalo. My parents became alive again.

Many years later in following Brad and I back to Fresno they bought another home with some land. It had an almond orchard and two ponds. My dad would “fish” from the pond and work to keep the property beautiful. Feeling they were getting too old to do the work they moved to the city; nice house on a small lot.

That’s when my dad started to die.

When we moved to Seattle and Reuben and Lona once again wanted to follow us, I admit my dad was one of the reasons I wanted the house we bought in Edmonds. The creek, the woods. I thought it would give him one last chance to be surrounded by what seem to bring life to him. It was too late though. By the time we moved them in with us he couldn’t get up and down the hill to sit beside the creek and he died just 3 months later.

Why am I writing this now? Jaber Crow has made me aware of living who I am. There have been times over these last 10 months that I have thought Brad and I are too old to be starting something new. Then I remembered my dad was 64 years old when they moved to their little country life. As long as he lived who he was deep inside…a lover of the land and of nature….he stayed young and full of life.

I need to continue to recognize who I am deep inside. What am I made of? Where do I find myself? What brings life to my spirit?

These may not be the things others give value or worth to, but that doesn’t really matter. Life and the love of living come from being our true selves.

Footnote: I wish I had a more recent picture of my dad on my computer. I loved his gentle wrinkles.

SOLITUDE

2010-08-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

I realized this morning that I have always believed that upon waking I am empty, ready for a new day. Now I know otherwise. Sleep is an escape from the nudging of "I have things to get done". My mind becomes immediately full of what needs to be done today (at least my ego believes there are things that NEED to get done), the things that weren't accomplished yesterday and even borrowing from the list for next week.

It is only by taking time for solitude that I become empty and ready for the day. This list of "to dos" gets moved over to the next column. Yes, I will work on completing those items on the list but the real living is being done while doing them.

Who will I encounter as I do each thing? Will I be available and accessible to them? Will I act with love toward them? What will I discover about myself as I enter each task?

These are the things that matter. These are the things that make living a grace. Yes, it's nice to put a check mark by each chore but I want life to be a gift to me and to others.

When I come to solitude I can empty myself, become hollow and actually useful. I look at the day ahead with true wonder and expectancy.

Oh, I just had a thought. Maybe I can take moments of solitude throughout the day to again be emptied and readied. It wouldn't have to be long...just a moment or two to remember it is about those I have been given to love that day.

How I wish I could live in the peacefulness of this moment each hour of the day.

Arranged Marriage?

2010-08-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

"Jesus lives in your heart." I was taught this from childhood. "Abide in me as I abide in you". I've always wondered how this worked.

This morning while working at practicing mindfulness - wait, I do have to comment on this. Spiritual disciplines are most often work, I think. They do not come naturally; at least not when a new practice is being learned. I find for myself there are so many spiritual practices I should or would like to be part of my life that I tend to jump from one to another not really becoming an expert or even comfortable with any one of them.

So back to this morning. I was contemplating the idea of awareness. What would that look like today, just today, if I practiced it all through my goings? I know I have been thinking a lot about how my quest for The Mystery has changed. Rather than always looking outward to experience the holy I have discovered that I find the Presence deep within myself. I'm not sure how to explain this. Thankfully there are many, many others who have eloquently written about this very subject so I don't feel the need to define it other than to say I am finding reality in it.

Unexpectedly I began to wonder if knowing God isn't very much like an arranged marriage. God has put his/herself within each of us. When we become aware of this we begin our journey of knowing the unknowable. It seems that many arranged marriages work, last even today with our aversion to being controlled and told what to do. Why is this? Perhaps as the couple rests in the reality of their circumstance they discover the value that each holds for the other. I wonder if it takes more effort to make an arranged marriage work? I don't think this would be a bad thing...to work harder at the relationship. Perhaps it is just being aware of the presence of this other and allowing them to be in your life. Can I compare this to knowing God?

It is about awareness. We can live our whole lives never noticing or acknowledging the presence of Emanuel all around us and within us.

So I move forward through my day trying, practicing, hoping for awareness. What were you aware of today? Did being aware change the way you lived today? Did it change your relationship with the people you came across?

Borrowing a Prayer

2010-07-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

"Jesus, human words cannot bear the weight of Your mercy and compassion. My union with You is like being so attached that life seems impossible without You. Detached from You during my days of sour wine and withered roses was (is) a shadow life. I have no sense of myself apart form You. My bones say thank You for this now moment. Amen"

This is from Brennan Manning's "The Furious Longing of God". I love when I read something that says what my own heart and soul feel but cannot express. During this rather dark, empty time I have wondered if the homesickness I feel for God's presence in me; the feeling so unattached to my faith; was somehow more of the memory of a dream than reality. Manning so well expresses this feeling for me. "Sour wine and withered roses" assures me that what I long for is real, it has been. And, it is my bones, that which holds my very self together, which recognizes those brief moments where the beloved passes by, maybe quickly, but close enough to feel the touch.

Dr. Seuss Was Right

2010-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads." --

Dr. Seuss

Prayer - Questions

Hope - Deferred

Anticipation - Disappointment

Love - Continuous

Doubt - Acceptance

Peace - Shifting

(Thanks to Susan for this quote which has led me to a way to express all that is inside without having to strain to put it down on paper. This is just the surface of the deep.)

Today's Question

2010-06-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

Being on this journey lately has brought a question to the forefront for me. After all these years of "knowing" God, which is the most important to pursue: the presence or working for social justice?

Deep inside I long for a lasting sense of presence but when it doesn't come I can get discouraged or start analyzing my life to see what I may be doing wrong.

Looking toward the margins and seeing who or what I can touch is easier to "do" but is that all that I'm left with at this point in life. By saying "all" I am not minimizing the work of social justice by any means. I am trying to find where it fits in my own self. I was reminded the other evening that Marcus Borg says we are to pursue, we need both. I agree with that. However, Mother Teresa says once she began her work with the poor in Calcutta she never felt God's presence again.

Ouch, that hurts. I hurt for her, even though I'm sure she doesn't need my sympathy, but I also hurt for myself knowing that is a possible movement of God in my life. Working for social change is something I can actively move toward, do, accomplish. Being in God's presence is an anti-action. I find more and more God's presence is found in the emptying of myself, of quietness, solitude, openness. And then it is almost as though I have to just believe this One is with me.

Living through the 8 years or so of the incredible visitation we had makes the hole even deeper. And yet, at the same time experiencing the life giving joy of God's presence is beyond measure.

For the readers who have been with me for a while you will remember that I write this blog for myself; to help me put the overload of what is going on in my mind and heart into fewer words hoping to find resolution. So, knowing that, here is what I think today. I will be more active in moving toward those who need more but keep digging deep within myself to find the God who is there. I know God is there. Brad and I both had a realization this weekend after spending time with some folks: we are more contented, peaceful people than we have ever been. Who we have become is good. I can live with the awareness that God is present even if there are not as many visceral moments.

Saying this helps me live it.

Which Way?

2010-06-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

I warn you this is a much longer blog than I normally do. I apologize. I just need to say it and look at it and return to it and ponder it. You will be completely excused for passing this one over.

It is a bit humorous considering my last post was about dreaming to be a writer; I have written nothing. It has come to my attention that being rather lost in my life right now has caused me to think I have nothing to say; or rather that I don't want any one to read what I have to say.

A friend recently encouraged me to keep writing. Maybe there are those whose hearts would identify and find encouragement in finding another who is in the same place. So, I confess, I have been in quite a funk. Brad and I have struggle to find God's will for our lives here in this time and place.

One of the things we were exposed to in our "Seattle Journey" was the teaching of Ignatious. Brad did some reading at SU and I took a 6 week course at St. Joseph's Center for Ignatian Spirituality on discovering God's will.

Ignatious taught there were 3 ways to find this will. The first time (this is the word he used for the type of process) was that you just know that you know what you are suppose to do. The second time is being aware of consolations and desolations in your life. And, the third time is to do a more analytical exploration which includes making lists of the pros and cons of each decision or path.

Brad and I have found that until about 6 years ago we had always known God's will for our lives by Ignatious' first time. It has always been easy. We just knew what we were supposed to do. However these last several years we find this has not been working. So a couple of Sundays ago we spent some time at a very spiritual place - La Boulangerie - talking about our future. We started talking about the consolations and desolations of our lives. Consolations are those things that give you life; that energize you; that bring you deep joy. Desolations are those things that drain you; that rob joy from your life. Now there are some desolations that we just have to do as we live our lives. Things like paying bills, cleaning house, repairing the car. But there are other desolations that we can actually eliminate from our lives; maybe those are the things we identify as the "shoulds" of our lives.

Brad begin to talk about those things that give him life and joy. They included hospice work, spiritual direction and teaching. We are people who love to walk the journey with others. This is where we get our life, the energy to live our lives. We left the cafe that morning saying we knew what we would do, what would be the next step. Feeling a bit energized by this decision we had a nice afternoon.

Then, the next morning we awake to the realization we still don't have a way to receive income. Back to square one. It seems we continue to go back and forth in knowing and not knowing. Just last week we once again made a decision of what to do. And, wouldn't you know it, two more possibilities were laid before us. Again, the fruition of either of these could be weeks away so we are left once more with what should we do.

This has been a difficult time for two reasons. One is feeling no purpose. We are not living our lives "toward" anything. The second is fear of the future. What will happen a couple of months from now if no progress is made monetarily?

It is a confusing time. It seems a bit strange that I continue to trust God on a certain level. I don't know where that comes from. Have I raised my voice to him at times? Yes. Have I argued with him? Yes. Have I asked over and over "What should we do? What do you want?" Yes. Thee seems to be no answer right now. I try not to give up my hope that there is a God who does care about my daily life. But I don't know. I assure you I don't question whether I should continue on with God; I am just not sure what this journey with him should look like right now. Maybe this is an excellent test of whether I am really ok with the questions without the answers.

A Dream

2010-05-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

I want to be a writer. I wish I were a writer.

To inspire, comfort, challenge; to bring joy, laughter, tears, silence.

To open worlds to others who either can't see or are limited by place and time.

To see the world in complex detail and use words to lift the veil that hides so others can see.

To change that complexity to simplicity which is able to go to the heart.

To experience the honor of someone else reading what I have written and be impacted, changed by it.

And to find the freedom and the words to say what is deep within or may scurry across my mind quickly to disappear.

And to not be concerned how others may judge my words or my ability.

DESIRE

2010-04-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

This morning as I sit reading I find myself, once again, in a familiar place. It's not a place that I enjoy. Daily as I do spiritual reading a longing rises up inside me. It's a desire I sometimes fear will never be fulfilled again. This hunger makes me sad. I suppose I could think of more eloquent, descriptive language for this feeling but I think the simplicity of "sad" says it all.

Then, it's like I begin to fold within; fold upon myself. Is that really God in there? Is that where I find him? Peace immediately comes. I seem to hear, "Here I am".

I'm aware that I look for God all around me. Trying to find a people, a place where this loneliness, this hunger will be fed. For now, for this time, I need to look deep within my soul and see The Wonder. It has to be enough for now. After all, it is all I have in this moment.

The question, then, is can it be enough? Can I live in that inner-ness? In all honesty it's not what I want but it is what I have.

Admission

2010-04-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I lead a study of the book of John. To this day it was one of the most meaningful Bible studies I have ever done. It was about just looking at Jesus; how he lived each day; how he related to people.

As I remember one powerful thing I observed was how it was said of the disciples several times, "And then they believed". That gave me great comfort. It still does. These men who walked with Christ had to continually overcome doubt. Their conversion seemed to be life long instead of immediate.

I have found myself identifying with these followers once again.

Today it is written, "And then she believed."

Walking In

2010-04-03T08:22:00.001-07:00

I've just started "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris.

Within this book I seem to find myself. It's not that the author writes "about" me. It's just that as I am reading I am reminded of who I am. Christ's voice becomes clear. I struggle to hear his voice most times. But the words of this poet telling her own story seems to make clear my call.

I make myself envision walking into the pages and find myself in a place of freedom; a place I can move about without worry; a place I find comfort and peace.

I want to spend the day reading this book so I can stay in this place of identity. But I also don't want to finish the book. I fear I may find myself homeless again.

LENT AND CONVERSION

2010-03-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

These passages are from Kathleen Norris' "Amazing Grace". I will not comment on them. I let them stand as the text of my thoughts for this week.

"At breakfast on Tuesday morning I was touched to discover that one of the women had decorated the dining area for Mardi Gras. We each has a place mat adorned with rickrack, and a construction paper mobile of spring flowers, adding a bit of color and cheer, hung above the table. The sub-zero cold outside, the dreary sky, suddenly seemed less discouraging. That afternoon, I purchased a bunch of daffodils for the table, and the sister who was home when I arrive got up to find a vase. We talked about Lent, and she told me that for most of her life she had considered it only in punitive terms, as a time of self-denial. "Now," she said, "I still fast, but my reasons for fasting have changed." She hope to recover Lent as an aspect of spring itself, a time of waiting, but also of burgeoning hopes. For her this meant paying close attention to things like intake of food and the acquiring of possessions not in order to punish herself but to ore fully honor the good things in life."

"Conversion is a process; it is not a goal, not a product we consume. And it's a bodily process, to only an emotional or intellectual one. The very cells in our body are busy changing, renewing themselves, ever few days. Yet we remain recognizable ourselves. That is how conversion works, a paradox beautifully expressed in two vows that are unique to Benedictine life. To join a monastic community, people promise stability, pledging to remain in that community for life. At the same time they also promise to remain always open to change, to what is loosely translated as a "conversion of life."
We know what happens when we have stability without conversion; we end up stagnant, curled up comfortably with that familiar idol called "This is the way we've always done it." And conversion without stability may describe the current state of affairs with regard to the spiritual life in America. Many seem to value change for it's own sake; we're always after something new. But when seeking the holy becomes a goal in itself, the last thing we want to do is it. In all of the religious traditions I know of, anything that feels like finding translates into commitment. And like conversion itself, commitment is scary."

Good Ol' Friends

2010-03-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I visited a church because an old friend was going to be there. It was so good to see her. It reminded me of how valuable past relationships are to the present. It actually caused a bubbling of joy in me, even this morning. I enjoyed seeing her excitement over a hobby turned more. How do we continue to cultivate friendships and relationships when we don't see each other very often? I was so aware yesterday of how much we could enlighten each other by sharing our recent journeys.

Since distance separates us a bit I am determined to value those close by and take and make opportunities to grow the friendships that are near.