This Moment

A Great Mystery

2013-03-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about why your grandchildren love you? Every time I see the expressions on Benjamin’s and Sullivan’s faces when they first realize they are at papa’s and nina’s house, I am humbled and awestruck.

Love, what a curious thing. What a wonderful mystery. What is it that causes that feeling in our hearts? I know someone is going to want to tell me about the chemical that is released somewhere in my body. But, why is that chemical released?

Forty-one years ago I met someone who had this effect on me. Uh, no it wasn’t Brad. If you actually know Brad and I, you know about our love. This is my friend, Peggy. At the time, several of us were living rather communally. (This is the short version.) I had just arrived in Palm Springs where a few of our group were staying temporarily. A couple of friends approached me all excited. They told me they had just met a girl who looked like me and talked like me.

As most of us do when we are told someone looks like us, I rolled my eyes and thought “sure”. But when Peggy and I came face to face we were stunned.

In less than a year Brad and I were married and Peggy was my maid of honor. We saw each other two, maybe three times after the wedding. While living in Seattle and discovering all the possibilities of the internet; I attempted to track her down. I sent letters to old addresses from whitepages.com with notes on the envelopes saying to please let me know if Peggy didn’t live there anymore. I even paid one of those search companies but, again, nothing.

I just resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t ever see my friend again. Maybe she didn’t want to be found. A few months ago I thought I would try FB one more time. And, yes, there she was!

It’s been 35 years since we have seen each other. She is flying down in a couple of weeks. The mystery of love continues. I can’t explain it, but after all of these years and a rather short friendship, there is still a huge spot for Peggy in my heart.

Benjamin and Sullivan – what is it that makes their eyes twinkle, that makes smiles break out and causes them to run into my arms when they see me? There is no reason grandchildren should love their ninas and papas. But what a gift!

This mystery of love is all around us.

My Guilt for the Cross (and the freedom from that)

2013-02-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

I hesitated titling this post. Using the word cross would probably cause many not to even read this. As with so many things in my spiritual journey, the reality of what happened on the cross is worth contemplating.

Sin did put Jesus on the cross but it was capital S sin. It was the sin of the world, the sin of culture, society. The sin that said it would not, could not follow Christ or his teaching. Peace? Justice? Equality? The rule of Rome would have to change. The rule of the Temple would have to change. Those in power would be required to step down and serve rather than be served.

I was always taught my sin put Jesus on the cross. I was kept chained to the church with this guilt. It was not, is not, the lie I told, the gum I stole when I was 8. My sin is the sin of the world, the system, the culture. My sin is that I continue to allow hunger, that I don't more strongly oppose drone warfare; that I don't more loudly protest the way women are treated as well as our gay brothers and sisters.

My sin is your sin. This is the sin that put Jesus on the cross. Those leaders were not willing to lay down their elevated lives any more than we are.

Yes, we may sign a petition. We may give regularly to Poverello House. But, it truly costs me nothing. However, when my friends cut me off, when my position where I work is threatened because of my words, then I understand the cross and what placed Jesus there.

Women - Can't Live with Them, Can't Live without Them

2013-02-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

The truth is, you wouldn’t want to live without them. We are a gift and a blessing that is not always recognized.

During this past election season my son asked me to comment on one of this FB posts regarding statements being made by politicians about women’s issues. He wanted to know how women can accept the place they have been given and the attempts to hold them there.

It seems no matter where we look in history – secular or religious history – women have been oppressed.They have been told they are to serve their male counterparts, to direct attention away from themselves and toward their betters; their physical bodies are what is of value giving pleasure to men and being the needed instrument to bring forth the next king to the realm.We have been told to walk behind our masters, to remain silent and to do the same work for less pay.

I never thought of myself as a feminist. During the 60s I saw feminism as a very confrontational, aggressive Gloria Steinem. Oh, I did support the “bra burning” but that was more my hippy side than my feminist side. I didn’t want to wear a bra!

My own mother was an interesting mix of traditionalism and feminism. She did the house cleaning, cooking, parenting and laundry. She taught me dad always gets the best cut of meat and if he wants bread with dinner, you get up and get it. I really didn’t see the feminist aspect of the life being modeled to me until my own daughter pointed it out. One day while driving in downtown Seattle, I was telling Melanie about my new found feminist position. She said, “What are you talking about? You raised me to be a feminist.” She went on to point out that my own mother owned not only one business but, even during retirement, continued to start small businesses not only to contribute to the household finances but because she loved working and people and challenges. How could I have not recognized all of this while growing up? Probably because she emphasized that in our home, my dad was still central.

I wonder if in my lifetime I will see true equality and justice for women? I’m not sure I could even describe what that would look like. Maybe it is improving, but until we no longer hear reports of sex trafficking, struggling single moms, unequal pay and recognition in the workplace, we are still far off the mark.

Men- be aware, be active in your view of these wonderful feminine (no that’s not a derogatory word) gifts around you.

Women-be bold regarding your opinions of both yourself and the world around you.

As with so many things in this life, awareness is the beginning of the change.

Practicing

2013-01-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

It can be quite easy to become weighed down by the reality of humanity.

That’s a depressing statement that I find myself agreeing with too quickly. Which is exactly why I need to practice an awareness of the divine and mysterious that is everywhere around me.

I wonder why it is that we humans so easily and quickly have our attention drawn to the evil that is in men’s hearts. Is it so we can elevate ourselves above others and say, “Well, at least I don’t…” or “I would never do…”?

Through the last many years of reading, more from authors who have different faith traditions that I, those with more liturgical backgrounds, mystics, saints, I have been curious regarding the use of the word “practice” regarding faith. I was more taught “do it” or “be disciplined”, which implies just setting your mind to it and you will be successful.

In every other area of our lives we understand practice. In soccer you don’t just determine to kick a goal. You practice kicking thousands of goals in all different circumstances and with all kinds of obstacles put in your way. In music you practice, not just a piece of music, but scales, repeated fingerings on a keyboard. In each of these you will get it wrong many more times that you get it right. But for some reason, with spirituality, with desiring to be all that is capable, we consider it failure. This is one reason I walked away from my church in my early teen years. I just keep failing.

Now, as my view of the divine and spirituality have changed, softened, grown(?), I am beginning to see my “failings” as I just need to practice more. I don’t give up as easily. If I make an intention to do something, every day, every week and then don’t do it; it is much easier for me to just sort to shrug my shoulders and say, “Well, I’ll try again”.

There may be days I feel so successful in showing love and care for someone and the next day I am faced with another who I absolutely cannot love. Failure or the chance to practice more?

In the book In Search of Belief, Joan Chittister says:

“[People] are not born perfect; they become perfect by failing.

The conception, the impulsion, the kindling of Jesus by the Spirit of the Holy calls us to become less concentrated on sin and more on grace, less concerned with the restrictions of law, and more with the limitless possibility of love, less obsessed by the limitations of being human and more in awe of its potential. It is humanity that is the womb of the divine for us.”

The more I practice being aware of God in everyone and in everything around me, the more my attention will be drawn to the good, the mysterious, the divine in humanity.

And this would be good for us all.

Prayer: Still trying to figure this thing out

2013-01-04T10:32:00.002-08:00

This may be a bit of a rambling, but I need to put it into words.

If prayer is to change us, then why make prayer about talking to God? Why is it not just talking to, thinking to myself? Perhaps the revealing of myself carves out space for God.

From Joan Chittister’s Called to Question: “ ’I don’t pray,’ people say to me. And I say back, ‘Neither do I. I just breathe God in and hope somehow to learn how to breathe God out, as well’. The purpose of prayer is simply to transform us to the mind of God. We do not go to prayer to coax God the Cornucopia to make our lives a Disneyland of possibilities. We don’t go to prayer to get points off our sins. We don’t go to suffer for our sins. We go to prayer to be transfigured ourselves, to come to see the world as God sees the world, to practice the presence of God, to put on a heart of justice, of love, of compassion for others. We go to become new of soul.”

So, if this is true, can/should we pray for needs? Others needs? Are we truly just praying for divine presence in whatever circumstance? Is that the “best” we can hope for? Is it possible presence really is the best? Do I misunderstand God so much that I don’t get this?

Let’s face it, we have to question how often, if ever, God really has intervened at our request. Oh, this could go so much deeper. If awareness, that which is attained through prayer, is what is needed, then is awareness what could possibly bring us to the mental, emotional state of healing, grace, peace?

We read or have heard that in studies those who pray heal faster. Is it an actual “hand of God” intervening or is it a healing of our anxiety, confusion, fear that brings our bodies to a place they can heal?

After reading this chapter on prayer, I know I have been misled about prayer my whole life. I don’t think God is magic or my servant, but I don’t think I have known the true essence, the true purpose of prayer. Because of this I have experienced disappointment. I have been filled with questions.

Does all this mean I won’t pray? Of course not.

From Called to Question:

“Maybe we are forgetting to center ourselves in the consciousness of the God who is conscious of all of us. Maybe that’s why the world today is in the throes of such brutal violence, such inhuman poverty, such unconscionable discrimination, such self-righteous fundamentalism. Maybe we are forgetting to pray, not for what we want, but for the sight, the enlightenment, that God wants to give us.

And if I pray, will I be able to change those things? I don’t really know. All I know is that the enlightenment that comes with real prayer requires that I attend to them not ignore them.”

The Beloved Earth

2012-12-31T10:29:00.002-08:00

“I believe in God…the creator…of earth maybe one of the most proclaimed – and least believed, barely practiced – assertions of all the propositions in the Creed. In fact, religion itself has forever proclaimed the truth about the value of Creation on one hand and taken it away on the other. Earth, we got the impression, was a kind of divine mistake. Its temptations delayed our sanctification. Its glories, beautiful but false, seduced us to substitute lesser things for the real values of life. Its cycles simply reminded us of the inferiority of our own natures. Dust we were and to dust we would return. It pitted the material against the spiritual dimensions of life. It misled us about the purpose of existence. It was the forbidden apple in everybody’s life.

“The earth, we said, was the thunder roll of divine presence. And then we proceeded to ignore its place in the flowering of the human spirit and the achievement of human development. Creation loomed as a temptation to be overcome. “ Joan Chittister from "In Search of Belief"

I am lucky to have been raised by a father who loved nature. He taught me to be observant of what was around me whenever we were outside the city. Not only did he love spotting some wild animal (large or small) but he taught me to read the signs of the wilderness. One time when Brad and I and our family were coming down from Glacier Point at the end of a week’s camping, our truck engine quickly became hot. We had no water with us. I was able to spot a water source not too far off the road. We filled up whatever utensil we had, used a pair of my tights as a filter and were able to add enough water to get to civilization for repair. My dad was responsible for this.

When my mother was able to sell her business and have more time to do what she loved, she became quite the gardener. Her passion seemed to be having her hands in the dirt and growing flowers, fruits, vegetables.

My mother and father turned a barren piece of high desert property into an oasis. They started raising a hog and a beefalo every year. My dad could not watch when the slaughter truck would come out to turn his beloved animals into the next year’s main course for both my parents and our family. Even though he knew better, he loved those creatures.

Like my parents, I have grown in my passion for the earth. I think this is one of the things that fascinates me about Native American spirituality. If this God is the creator of all, and I have no idea how that really happened, then nothing that was created by this Mother/Father should we consider either evil or disposable. We should passionately love this place we live and do what we can to care for it and preserve it. I hope I can pass this to my grandchildren.

I hope I can help them hold on to the child-love of the dirt, the birds, the squirrels, worms and all the rest of our co-inhabitants.

SILENCE

2012-12-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

I was very determined to post regularly to my blog. But the incidents of last Friday have kept me silent. I don't want to go into all the emotions and thoughts that have been mine this last week. And, if you are a friend on Facebook, you already know some of those.

In the midst of reading the books I mentioned before, this horrific event takes place. All it has done is make my questions about the Divine deeper and more plentiful.

I will be back. I just need to do a bit more processing and let a bit more time go by.

Is Truth a Journey?

2012-12-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

I'm reading three very interesting books right now. It's hard to take time to reflect on all that I am reading. I wish I could have someone sitting next to me, reading the same books, so we could discuss chapter after chapter.

Here is just one thought from my reflection this morning. It's not that we have different truths or that truth changes. It's that we are all on different paths in our journey so we have different views. As we each continue on our path, turning corners, climbing hills, going down into the valleys, we may see each other's view of truth. Sometimes we will never see it because it is our path and our journey.

My dad had the most amazing ability to see animals in the wild. I mean we would be driving 60 miles an hour and he would say, "Did you see that deer behind those trees?" Not only did I not see them but I couldn't turn my head fast enough as the road we were on curved away.

I wonder if that is how it is that truth sometimes looks different to different people?

The Spirit of Redeeming

2012-12-09T14:16:00.000-08:00

This morning I was listening to a guided meditation. The leader suggested picturing all the people on earth before the coming of the Christ. What were they doing? What did it look like?
Then I was instructed to picture God standing somewhere in the heavens observing this same scene. What did God think? How was the decision made that some kind of redemption was needed?

My picture of earth was war, people fighting, yelling, being unkind, trying to make sense of life, striving to care for their families, struggling to do the right things. I imagined God saying, "We need to help these people. We need to show them a way to live that will bring peace and joy and happiness into their lives. This is not what I intended."

God's solution was to send Christ. If we observed the way he lived and worked at living the same way, our world would be a place of peace and joy; at least more of the time. Could this actually be the ultimate salvation? I'm not saying Christ's sacrifice was not part of it, but it did make me think that his death may have been almost a natural consequence of living the type of life that was so opposed to what was going on.

I have observed that when you question, when you speak something that may cause the "normal" way of thinking to be challenged, the opposition rises up. We get so uncomfortable when someone questions our ways; when someone suggests things may be different than we have believed. When we are asked to at least consider living our lives differently, changing our hearts and our minds something in us rebels.

I want Christ's life and not just his death to be my salvation and the salvation of the world. I hope as I grow older I can continue to be pliable, soft, moldable, changeable. It's hard. It means sometimes doing things that aren't easy.

Time to Start Again

2012-12-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

I often feel "inspired" to write something. Many times, I am just too lazy to act. I usually feel like it doesn't matter to anyone else, so why bother. And, I think, "This thought will pass with no effect" so just let it go.

On one of my many trips to the library, I checked out Joan Chittister's book "Called To Question". I read as much of her work as I can get my hands on. By the middle of the first chapter I knew I had to own this one, to add it to my library of Chittister, Benson, Norris and Nouwen. I wanted to be able to mark this book up good!

Early in the prologue, I found a quote that speaks for my heart as concerning writing.
Joan Chittister:
"Writing makes a person very vulnerable. It opens you to public criticism, to ridicule, to rejection. But it also opens conversation and thought. It stirs minds, and touches hearts. It brings us into contact with our souls. So how can it possibly be a waste of time, an idle act, a mistake, a betrayal of truth? Who can possibly tell us not to do it? '

I, myself, can't tell me not to do it. From the first blog I ever wrote, I have said that I do it for myself. The above speaks to this. It stirs my own mind; brings me into contact with my own soul.
So, I will once again attempt this.

If you are reading this, you will find for the next several posts I am caught up in Called To Question. That is where my mind will be as I post. I have just written Joan (with very little assurance that she will answer me). I shared some of my own deep question of walking this faith. Maybe it will have helped just to put it to paper (ok, screen).

Please feel free to join this conversation as I write. Here are the rules; actually just one: no name calling or labeling.

Silence

2012-03-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

A COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS

2012-03-05T09:33:00.003-08:00

Etty Hillesum, in An Interrupted Life, wrote "One does not put things on paper to create masterpieces, but rather to gain some clarity." Robert Benson quotes this in That We May Perfectly Love Thee followed by, "My work at least as I have come to see it and understand it, is to try to tell my own story with some degree of clarity and art."

This is how I feel about what I put here. Today is just a group of really, non-related things that have gone through my mind the last several days.

I am reading Dorothy Day's autobiography and my mind is going a hundred miles a minute. On page

38 she writes, "I felt even at fifteen, that God meant man to be happy, that God meant to provide him with what he needed to maintain life in order to be happy, and that we did not need to have quite so much destitution and misery as I saw all around and read of in the daily press. From my earliest remembrance the destitute were always looked upon as the shiftless, the worthless, those without talent of any kind, let alone the ability to make a living for themselves. They were that way because of their own fault. They chose their lot. They drank. They were the prodigal sons who were eating the swines' husks only because they had squandered their inheritance. Since it was in the bible it must be so. Even Our Lord Himself said that the poor we would always have with us."

I fear I was somewhat raised with this attitude as well. I cannot remember the church I was raised in ever talk about caring for the poor. I know the scriptures were read but we were never encouraged to do something about it. In my mother's family, we had a few that were always poor. And, truth be told much of their pain was self-inflicted in that they made some really bad decisions. However, we never discussed what kind of pain forced them into those decisions. It was just that Grandpa and Grandma kept bailing them out. I cannot remember a time when my nuclear family did something to help the poor we didn't know.

I want that thing that is deep in my heart to be gone. There has been a guilt-driven attention to this act of love active in me lately. But, I have yet to find my focus to act it out. This is not an excuse! The time has come.

Now, a totally disconnected direction....Here are some haikus I have written over the last several months. I just thought it would be good for me to share them.

I am alone here

Now waiting to be rescued

Trying to have faith

God, my mystery

Where now have you brought me to?

God, my mystery

I once knew a God

He has become a stranger

Shall we meet again?

My heart, once vital

Has become blinded by words

Can silence restore?

Words, words, words, words, words

Words destroy, destroy, destroy

Words, words words, words, words.

A Memory - Yet Present

2012-02-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

I came across this in one of my journals from last year. Realizing I still feel this way, I decided to include it here.

Walking the beach at Cayucos, this awareness comes creeping up slowly. I don't even recognize it's arrival. As I try to identify it; I guess at it's meaning. While standing by the waves as they endlessly, tirelessly continue to come, I feel how small and insignificant I have become.

Is there really not to be anymore to my life than it is right now? Was my life at some point purposeful and directional? Or do I just remember it that way?

I suddenly feel as though I have been born to a new life; one vaguely connected to my previous one. As I think about this it is as though I have been dropped into this place with a directive - "so, go...live!"

I have to be honest with myself - I don't know how to "so, go...live!" Am I not to have some great purpose? What would be said about me when I die if this is the extent of my "power and influence"?

If ----big question here---this is my path, how do I learn to walk it with joy and satisfaction? How do I discover the possibility of more? How do I let that possibility go?

THE GATHERING

2012-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Two experiences this weekend has brought back a familiar question. What is church? Now for those of you who may read this and not consider yourselves religious or spiritual, read anyway. I’d like your thoughts.

Saturday night we met at friends’ home along with 10 other adults and a few kids. We had dinner. We watched some football (well, the guys did). The ladies talked about kids, education, grandkids, serving others, and even sharing when each of us started our periods. When the football game was over we all got together and started discussing God, the universe and man. A dvd was started about a man traveling around the US asking people on the street what they thought about God, her followers and the church. If some of us weren’t so old we could have stayed longer and continued the discussion among ourselves. We left loving each other more and being aware of carrying each other in our hearts and minds.

This morning Brad and I attended a traditional church service. There was some prayer, some singing, a reading of scripture and a “message” of which the majority was about the business of the denomination. Now, let me say, we have attended this church a few weeks. The people are very gracious and friendly and there is nothing “offensive” about the liturgy.

While sitting in the service I kept thinking about our Saturday night experience and the question kept reverberating in my brain, “Which one of these is really church?” Now I know this is probably very subjective but isn’t anything dealing with spirituality and how it is worked out in your own life? I find myself asking questions like:

Which of these experiences caused my love for friends to grow?

Which of these experiences inspired me to be more involved in justice (or the lack thereof)?

Which of these experiences caused my spirituality to be challenged and fanned to greater intensity?

Are these valid questions to ask about church? How do we define church? In which atmosphere would I feel more compelled to ask people to join me? Is church supposed to be a welcoming of God into our everyday lives? Is church to be a place that when you leave you are a more aware person; more aware of God and of others and the condition of the world?

Of course, for me this also presents a decision. How do I find myself in this “place” on a regular basis?

Enough with the questions, now comes the answering.

THE STORY OR THE ENDING???

2011-09-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

I recently read Stephen King's "Under the Dome". Our son is a big fan of King's. In fact, a few years ago he took me to hear Stephen King lecture for my birthday at the Benaroya Hall when we were all living in Seattle. I have come to love his writing.

I think I have figured out something about King. It will be interesting to see if our son agrees. As I read the last page of the book, I thought, "That's it? That's the end?" But, rather than true disappointment, I smiled at how much I enjoyed the story. That's when it hit me. Most of King's books seems to be like this; kind of anti climatic endings. I then realized (hopefully, accurately) that for King it is about the story, not the ending.

My mind then made this eye-opening leap. Perhaps this is what life should be. We put so much effort on the end: graduating from high school, getting a degree, getting another degree, getting the right job, marrying the right person. And, in evangelical theology, ending up in the right place.

What if the joy, the purpose of life is to enjoy the story? Rather than making all decisions to insure we get to the right place; what if we make each daily decision based on how it effects our story and the story of those we come in contact with?

One of the outcomes of discovering King's method is that the next one of his books I read I will read with sheer enjoyment of each page instead of hurrying to see how it ends. I want to live my life like that; to learn to enjoy each moment. If I live like this, investing in the world moment by moment I won't have to worry about the end.

FREEDOM FROM SIN

2011-04-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

The issue of sin.

You can't ignore this word during Passion Week.
Sin is one among many terms I have wrestled with these last several years. What is it really? A list of don'ts? Something I am born with? A thing I do? An attitude I have?
This morning I am considering this: sin is all about how we treat each other. "Each Other". That is like saying "who is my neighbor"? Usually when I hear the phrase "each other", I think of those in my family, my friends, those I choose to have relationship with. But, in fitting with the true message of the Christ, "each other" is all of God's creation. Every person, even those I don't have a personal contact with, is my "each other". This means taking stands for injustice. This means the people of the world, right now, who are going through upheaval and tragedy. This means the myriad of children in the world who are not being loved by those who should be their greatest lovers. These are those I work with, those that live on my street, those I see living on the street, those collecting cans and bottles, those waiting in line in front of me.
Sin is when I either do something that harms or ignore harm. If I look at the "10" commandments (for there are really only two and yet they are endless), I see they all have to do with making the world, my culture, my society, my place in the world, a place of honoring every one; of caring for everyone; of making decisions and my reactions things that place others equal or above myself.
God promises us freedom. This indeed would be freedom: a world where we walk in peace and harmony and well-being.

I want to think about this during this Holy Week. Passion entails not only the sorrow of suffering and death but love.

ROOM

2011-03-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

It's interesting and
at the same time
curious that even though
I know a thing to
be true there is
still room for doubts
and questions
and even other ways.

Me

THE QUESTIONS KEEP COMING

2011-02-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

"This is so much to absorb. My head hurts from thinking so hard. Do you know how much thinking you have to do in order to question? Then you have to ask all the right questions. Then you have to reach your own conclusion. And then you have to take action. It's HUGE!"

This quote is from my current reading "The Faith Club". When I pulled this book from the library shelf I was drawn to it because of my curiosity. How would these three women develop a friendship when they came from such different places religiously/politically? In many areas it is difficult to seperate those two things. We use religion to justify our politics and we use our politics to support our religion.

This quote is the exact expression of what goes on in my head and my heart. I am continually surprised that almost any book I read (not counting many "just for fun" novels - although some of them can be surprising too), becomes a small part of my spiritual journey. I certainly didn't expect that from this book.

If you have read my blog for a while you know that one of the recurring subjects is my sadness at the state of violence in our city, community, nation and world. Here is a short, completely incomplete list of the peoples who have been violated because of religious/political hatred and sometimes war:

Native Americans                                                          Jews
Japan                                                                             Vietnamese
Palestinians                                                                    Armenians
Russians                                                                          Tibetans
Mexicans

Please add to this list in the comment section. As I am writing this I feel I am making my own personal memorial to all those injured, killed, displaced. My heart is again so full of the pain of others that it is flowing down my cheeks. May I ask that you take a moment of silence to join your heart with mine to becoming more sensitive to these injustices.

THE QUESTIONS OF FRIENDSHIP

2011-01-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

My husband is my best friend. We said many times while living in Seattle that it was a good thing we really liked each other because we spent so much time together. And, we really did enjoy it.

But, today, I want to ask questions about friendship. If you want to answer them, to share your own experiences or to add to the questions; please do.

1- Is friendship really necessary to happiness?

2- Should friendship come by “accident” or by an intentional searching?

3- Where would you go or what would you do to make new friends?

4- Do you have friends who are very different than you?

5- Should you have friends who are very different than you? (I’m referring to religion, ethnicity, age, political biases)

6- Can you have strong disagreements with your friends and it not affect your relationship?

7- Do you wish you could have those kinds of discussions with them?

8- What place in your life do your friends take; how much time should you spend with a friend; what kind of things do you do together; is your significant other included?

9- Is true friendship a dream or a reality?

I’m reading a book right now that has triggered all these questions. I think they are legitimate questions. I also think our lifestyles easily prevent us from developing these kinds of friendships. These are just my musings and wonderings today. I started to say I’m not really looking for answers but I don’t think that’s true.

CONFESSIONAL

2011-01-21T07:50:00.000-08:00

This is sort of a confessional. I don’t know if I need absolution, probably not. But maybe others can identify with this place I am.

I have so many “good” ideas within myself; I might even consider them inspired. “Wouldn’t this be great?” “Couldn’t that be helpful?” And yet, I find myself, I don’t know, maybe paralyzed is the best word. I just can’t seem to bring myself to do any of them.

The most common question I ask is, “Why?” What is it that keeps me from moving forward with any of this? What is at the bottom of this lack of initiative? Maybe fear? Fear of failure? Fear that these things that I consider wonderful, important, valuable will not be viewed by anyone else with the same feeling?

My dear husband has suggested that, maybe, since we have been through so many changes in the last couple of years, we are just needing to have things be constant for a while.. I can see that, but to be honest, when then, will these dreams, these ideas have time to be realized? You do reach a place in life, a stage, if you will, where you can begin to see the end of your life. If I truly want to see some of these ideas happen, how long do I wait to try them?

Some of this probably seems like rambling….and maybe it is. But we don’t always understand how confession cleanses the heart and soul; so I am here, just doing it.

PASSING THE PEACE (and accepting it)

2011-01-19T07:22:00.000-08:00

I have become aware of an ache in my heart. It is for peace. I, personally, am not going through a time of great turmoil and trauma and hurt. That is not the place I am yearning for peace.

It is the peace of the earth I long for. The hatred sewn by others as well as that created in us because of our own history; the violence done throughout the world; the dishonoring of each other; the disrespect of a culture other than my own. It is all so heart wounding.

If we keep moving fast enough, if we keep being busy and disengaged from the world, can we block it out? Can we just do a tsk, tsk during the evening news? I hope not. How can we stop it?

I don’t presume to have the answer. But here are a couple of fanciful thoughts. Maybe they would help:

1-Perhaps “passing the peace” as we meet people throughout our days. No really, what would happen if instead of “hi” we spoke “peace”. Ok, some of you are just thinking that this old hippie has gone round the bend, but maybe it would affect not only others but ourselves.

2-Don’t listen to any prejudice, hatred, judgment or condemnation from others including the media.

3-Begin to read literature that sows love and peace and trust and value for others. Can we re-wash our brains to become instruments that honor and esteem one another?

Not only does humankind need this peace but the earth itself. Sometimes I think it also aches for those who are to be its stewards to sow love and peace not just on each other but on it.

This is a type of spirituality that I long for. Spirituality is the way we live out our lives. No matter where on the spectrum of believing in a transcendent mystery you are, this is a spirituality we can reach for and live.

So, enough………PEACE TO YOU.

WRITING WITH FEAR

2011-01-16T16:01:00.000-08:00

Fear?

A few months ago a friend sent me an article about blog writing. I finally got around to reading it. It’s one of those things I read and think, “I needed to hear this.”

“Probloggers such as Daniel aren’t afraid to let their true selves out. They embrace the fear of writing something that people might disagree with. They put themselves in uncomfortable positions because they want to stand out from the crowd.

Many of you hold back from saying what is truly in your heart. You’re afraid of the reaction that might occur. This is completely understandable, but the only way you will break through and create a blog that people keep coming back to is to create something that people can’t get anywhere else.

You have to create connections with people that allow for deep connections.” (Karl Staib-Daily Blog Tips)

This article made me aware that one of the reasons I haven’t been blogging much is this very thing. Before we made this last move from one city to another, I seem to have no fear about what I wrote. Not that I would be offensive to anyone, but just willing to speak what was in my heart, my mind; where my emotions and challenges were.

I don’t know what there is about being back in this place where I come from that makes me more concerned about what I express. On New Year’s Day one of my daughters asked me what my goals were for 2011. Not being a person who really thinks that way, I was actually very grateful for her question. It became a needed challenge for me. I did respond rather quickly with a couple of things but I now add this to my list:

I want to write freely, without fear, without concern of judgment, with a willingness to be open, vulnerable and transparent.

Crossing the Threshold

2011-01-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of months I continue to ask myself the same question:

What difference does "knowing" God make when I walk out the door each day?

What about my life reflects a spirituality of love and peace? I'm not talking about going out and witnessing. I'm talking about leaving some kind of touch of mystery on everyone I meet. Is this an impossible dream? Maybe. But, surely, there has to be some kind of trail (think vapor trail) left where I travel.

Awareness of God in my life can't be just about me. As nice as it is to sit each morning in my "cell" and read, think, pray; my world must feel the presence of this great, holy one.

Especially with the events of last Saturday in Arizona, peace, honor and love must somehow come to the forefront. How can I encourage that? How can I draw that out of others? How do I woo the God image out of others?

What's Coming?

2010-12-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

I picked up a book today that has been on Brad’s bookshelf for a few years. I think he had to read a selection from it at SU. I may have even looked at the book myself but it wasn’t my time for reading it.

Today, as I began, I felt that uncomfortable feeling stirring within. This book was provoking some anger. I’m not sure what the anger is directed at. Well, maybe it was this same feeling from a few years ago; this is going to mess with me. I realized the many books I have read in the past year were books I could nod my head to and say, “oh, yes, I agree with that”. I’m not sure this book is going to illicit that same kind of response.

But, those aren’t the kind of books that change us; the books we can give mental assent to. I’m not going to mention the name of the book at this time. Trust me, the title, alone, would make you shake your head, not nod. However, I’m ready for some stirring….I think.

This last year of transition has been enough in itself. You can only have so many things poking at you and pulling at you at one time.

This book would be a great one for a book club. There is a bit of fear in me though about starting one, especially with this particular subject matter. That is a little off track but it is part of my thought process as I begin this written journey.

Pain and Life

2010-08-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

My heart seems to continually be in pain lately. I am repeatedly astounded at the cruelty humankind displays. We seem like a weapon aimed at hurting. How can we, created with the express purpose to love, find dominance and revenge and judgement such a huge part of living?

A friend recently posted a video on FB about Oogle, a dog rescued from being a "bait" dog for dog fighters. The news article about the Muslim taxi driver who was stabbed when he answered the question about being Muslim.

Even as I type these stories my heart feels like it is getting bloated with the pain. I keep finding myself saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Oh God, I am sorry that we have come to this. Yes, I know there is much good and beauty in the world. But, that cannot be an excuse for the awful and ugly in the world.

I feel like the whole earth needs to take a very deep breath and learn to be still and present. Can we stop this? I don't know. What I can do is watch how I walk today. Watch my words, watch my thoughts, watch my actions. And perhaps there is one more thing.....gently and without judgement perhaps speak to hurtful situations I come across.

It's kind of like we need a slap to the face for a reality check. Remember those old movies where the guy slaps the woman to try to get her to see what is really happening? (Of course I think those kinds of visuals in movies is a contributing factor to the way some men treat women.) But the point is "we need to get a grip".

God is not going to magically change the world. That is what we are here for. We must, I must personally take responsibility to end cruelty, prejudice, pain, suffering. I just hope that today I can "act justly, love mercy and walk humbly before my God".

(Thanks, Denise, for bringing this passage before me.)