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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past
Year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
Paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last
Person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
Happened on it since it was last washed.

I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon
Peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
Number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (although
Cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
How many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
A public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
Glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
Envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
Who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
In their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
For me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
Freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
Buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
Forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
Minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
Toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
So a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas..

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
Products are atheist s who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave
Anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
With a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
Perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
Recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
Bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
Parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
Underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas
Companies!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 154,000 people in the next 70
Minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
To a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s
Cousin’s’ beautician…

Have a wonderful day…
Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
That people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
Hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

- Author Unknown

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Peta protest: The human meat tray.

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Fotoshop by Adobé from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

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