This "Is" My Life......Right?

2012-04-22T23:01:00.002-04:00

Death is a sneaky little thing isn't it.

This has been in draft since 12/12/10
I guess I lost focus or something.

Selfish

2011-12-27T12:06:00.000-05:00

Some of you might know, I have three kids. Their Mother is not there. She is a drug addict and an alcoholic. She turned her back on them years ago. I moved on and have dealt with the repercussions of her decisions. I have done my best to ease the pain, heal the wounds, and absorb the anger they feel.

I have and continue to raise them the very best I can.

My children's "Mother" committed suicide on Christmas day.

Although they have not had a relationship in quite some time, this is going to be a hard punch to the stomach.

Selfish.

2011-12-01T22:46:00.000-05:00

I was tempted to delete every post on this blog.
I am not entirely sure why.

I may do something.
What?
I am not entirely sure.

2011-04-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

I'm still here. I'm always here.
Bad grammar and good behavior.
Broken cigarettes, broken teeth.
Misdirected positivity, misguided society.

"Ever get they feeling you've been cheated?"

2011-02-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

Its always the unavoidable that hurts the most. The split second that makes a pit in your stomach.....and words that will mold the rest of your life. Words that if said one to many times, may come true. You can only take certain words back so many times before they stick. Starting of like a germ on a doorknob, quickly turning into the flu.
If this is what it is it will never go away. There will be no later dates, just the nauseous, gnawing pain of what was.
I am trying to keep that pit from rising, I feel as though I'm losing.

Paypal, old snacks, and coffee purchased with change.

2010-11-30T21:57:00.001-05:00

My girl has a Nana.
Her Nana is a nice lady.
Truly.
Sometimes she sends over "snacks" and what not. Candy, pre-packaged crackers, and other such sort of miscellany.
So when accepting above named kind gestures from old people,
Heed this warning:

CHECK THE FUCKING DATES MY FRIENDS...APPARENTLY RITZ EXPIRE!

While on my way home for work this evening, I stopped for gas.
Deciding to use my Paypal debit card was obviously a shit idea. I stuck it in the slot and waited, and waited, as I impatiently uttered what the fuck under my breath the pump started to chirp at me.....
Please see attendant.
Muttering what the fuck again, I proceeded to try again....same result.
What the fuck.
The very oriental lady was waiting for me. Is oriental "P.C".?
I handed her my card. She looked it over as if I had handed her a strange ancient artifact.
"you debit"?
"run it as credit please, I haven't set up a pin yet"
Her eyes widened.
"You steal! Thief! This no you card!Thief!"
"What"?

I shit you not people.

"No really its mine, see here's my license" (Trying to keep my calm)
"I no believe"
"Fine I'll go to the fucking station down the street...my card please" (Losing control of calm)
"Oh...fine I try...deb or cred"?
"Whatever works...".

Again...what the fuck?

Frustrated I slammed the nozzle into my little p.o.s., then the pump turned off.
Yeah just my pump. Yeah.

"Auw, you try num 4".
"K".

After on more what the fuck, I got in the car. I was getting hungry. Remembering the "snacks" i grabbed this morning started to lift my spirits.
Nana snacks.
It was dark, I fumbled around and opened the Mini Ritz Peanut-Butter Crackers and threw a handful in my mouth.
I can't begin to describe the horror my taste buds experienced. Somewhere between stale, mold, and shit.
I pulled over, still in the parking lot and spit it out. Door opened, hanging out of the car, spit it out.
Upon inspection of the package I found they expired..
In.
TWO THOUSAND FUCKING SIX
I threw the package and continued to spit as a lady walked up to me and asked if I was vomiting.
No I replied, almost, but no, just spiting out old ass crackers.
She told me she found it offensive. I lit a cigarette.
She informed me I shouldn't spit on the good green earth....
What the fuck.
I found this intriguing as we were in "that part of town" and there is nothing green about it.
I informed her of that, she didn't respond.
Now I'm not for littering and what not but given the circumstances...yeah.
We exchanged a few choice words.
I watched her get into her Ford Excursion...Diesel no less.
I moved on.

I frantically searched the car for a bottle of water...nothing.
Not wanting to re-enter into the Chinese gas station, I left.

I did what any good, rational, outstanding person would do.
I hit Starbucks for a coffee, and I paid in change. My dealings with plastic were over for the evening.

I"m slightly paranoid about food and its expiration. I slipped up, obviously.

So kids, when Granny sends a snack for the road..check the date.
Oh and pay cash for gas.

You say it's your birthday

2010-09-14T15:02:00.000-04:00

So yeah...
My Blackberry chimed at me this morning, I looked at it, one eye still shut.
Shit! I have a appointment today!?...oh, its my birthday.
I'm not sure if this makes me a really busy cool guy, or just a guy desperate to fill up my calender.
Either way, this is my corny birthday blog post.
Happy Birthday me.

On my 5th birthday, my mother bought me the 45 single of this song.
Thought I'd share.

2010-08-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

I'd be a liar if I said I've been busy at work, that's why I have not been around.

I do not lie.

All's fair in love and war, but life's a confusing bitch.
I made myself a summer vacation out of a knee surgery, a financial loss, mental gain.
I would love to write something worth reading, stay tuned maybe it will happen, till then.....

One day he was just gone Part 1

2010-06-30T10:05:00.000-04:00

Memories are a funny thing. Some of them you push deep into the corner of you mind, and try to forget them.
Some you keep up front and on display.
Maybe the ones you forgot were never memories to begin with, just scenes in your life, then they fade like a scene from a bad independent film with sub-titles.

Something always happens though....situations arise...and the forgotten become the remembered.

I'm a product of divorce, as they say. Latch key kid, raised by a hard working single Mother.
My childhood was good, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. My Mother raised me alone and I have nothing but the highest respect for her. She did her best, it was plenty enough for me.

Late 1980's, early 1990's "Broken Home" kid though.....I fit the bill. We all did.

I'm going to do this in parts.

To avoid really long posts.
To clean out my head
To say everything to no one.

Society? What do they know anyway?

2010-06-21T10:38:00.001-04:00

I get pissed off sometimes. Pissed off that I'm not farther along in life, then I get pissed that I even give a shit about that.
So many set backs.....so little time.
I feel like I'm on to something though. I don't know what yet, but I'm on to it...I have been my whole life.
I never cared much for peoples perception of me. Some where along the line I started questioning that.
I don't think its getting older, or having kids,or trying to be responsible.
Somewhere in my "fuck society" mind, society crept in.

Yeah,I still ride a skateboard.
No, I don't watch Football
Yeah, my Suburban's name is tank and its a 96 not a 06
No, I don't shave everydayYeah, I'm self-employed
No, I didn't have a long day at the office
Yeah, I rode my board to the garage.

I revisited a few things this past weekend.

Lords Of Dogtown
http://www.zuguide.com/#Lords-of-Dogtown
Never seen it? I suggest you do.

The Lake House
I stared at this Saturday evening and thought....

" Society? Fuck them."

Who's next?

2010-05-17T16:21:00.000-04:00

I have always found this interesting.
One single event can fuck up your day. Your good day, o.k. day or just a average day...unless of course, your average day is fucked up and miserable anyway.

It just always seems to me that when the sun is shining in your world, and your at least making do with what you have......there is always going to be someone who wants to let you know you suck.
It's like walking outside with a cup of coffee and a cigarette....and stepping on a fucking hornet.

Deserve it or not, why not on a day that sucks anyway. Maybe a day when you already feel like an asshole, you could get the satisfaction of agreeing.

See it as I do or not, I have a handle on my "hopes,dreams, and aspirations". Funny thing is they are mine, and if I turn them into reality or not is my choice. I don't need a cheering squad but, the "your wrong" squad is getting old.

Shit comes in 3's, I'm up to 2.....who's next?

Glowing Blankly

2010-05-06T17:57:00.001-04:00

Ive stared at this screen for weeks now...it just stares back. Glowing blankly, as if it is daring me to put hands on the keyboard and lay forth a testament of things untold.
The fragments of life as I know and knew it.
It's in here somewhere, I just forgot where I put it.

2010-04-28T12:01:00.001-04:00

This Friday marks two weeks since surgery. I've already had the stitches removed, and I see the surgeon again this week. Depending on how that goes, I may get out of this leg immobilizer and into a hinged brace. I have not started physical therapy yet. Under normal circumstances I would never look forward to something like that.
Exciting right?
Now that the pain med haze has started to clear, in no particular order, I knee'd to throw a few things out there.
Being the strong willed lad I am, its surprising Angel has not busted my other knee and left me in bed. If it wasn't for her, my mother and 5 kids....I'm not sure how I would have managed thus far. My families support has, and will continue to be a big motivation through recovery.
I'm not sure what I thought I would accomplish these past few weeks....I feel like I have done nothing. This one time though, just this once...that's what I am supposed to do. Heal. Recover. Not being really good at "take time for you" and "rest", can pose some challenges.
Trying to stay positive. That seems to be key. This is not permanent, although it feels that way sometimes.
I have not posted as much as I've wanted. I think for some reason this Little "update" has blocked a few decent posts.
So with that I will leave you with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws6zCW6zXAM

Carry On The Torch

2010-04-24T15:52:00.000-04:00

My sons Birthday past a few weeks ago and, besides the usual gifts I thought a new set-up (skateboard) was in order. We ordered from www.ccs.com, a company I have been ordering from since 1991 or so.We could have gone to the local skate shop but , he opted to order. I remember these day's so vividly. Exception being my mom had to call in the order from a catalog or even worse send a check in the mail, which stretched the arrival time even more. The convenience of debit cards and the internet was not around when I was 10.
After a few weeks of "did you check the mail,is it here", it arrived. It's funny how something like this can be so sentimental in a way. I requested it come un-assembled, after all this is the "zen" part of it all. As i watched him unpack all of the pieces I knew exactly how he was feeling. I suppose I should write about my un- wavering love for skateboarding at some point.....yeah at some point.
I guess it was like the end of A Christmas Story. You know, when Ralphie gets the Red Ryder and his dad is showing him how to load the bb"s.
This is not the first board we have put together, but his first complete. All new board.
My favorite part of putting a new board together is applying grip tape. A good eye, steady hand, file, and a few razor blades. I took the reins on this part. I always and still do like a signature to my tape. A design or few lines cut in the grip tape, or a little sharpie art later.
This particular deck had a graphic on the top.It was covered but it read "carry on the torch". It was the series name for this board. It struck me for some reason.
I'm not done with skating. I never will be.
See I am not living through my son. If he didn't want to skate he wouldn't. He watched me intently as I griped his new board. I watched intently as he pushed the bearings in the wheels, attached them to the trucks, and then mounted them on the board.
He handed it to me to check it over. After tightening up a few things, he was ready to roll. I handed it back.
I got up, grabbed my crutches and limped to the door to witness the first skate of his new board.
Until this knee is healed,
Carry on the torch.

.

"They get jealous when they see ya witcha ya mobile phone"

2010-04-22T22:40:00.003-04:00

So in the days before my surgery there was a lot I wanted to get done. The thought of being laid up for a while is less than pleasing to me. New phones where in order.
Order was filled.
I have always been on the up and up as far as cellular phones go. I'm the dude that can have no money, no job, but a pretty sweet phone.
My last phone was a Lg Chocolate. The last one before the touch. Yeah a little out dated. I will however say that phone has been dropped in a bucket of water, tossed of a roof, left inside engine bays, slid, slammed, squeezed, pinched, painted(yeah painted), and just about whatever else you could think of.
Oh did I mention 5 kids"can I use your phone,can I take a picture, blah,blah,blah"
So I went into the Verizon store set on a Android....I left with a Blackberry Storm 2. Now I know they are not newest but, its a pretty cool phone. My current work ventures are making a phone with the Storm's capabilities useful. All this said....I lead into this....
While in the store it took a good while to decide. Angel had hers picked out in 15 minutes....me not so much.
When narrowed down between the Storm and the Android, we were approached by the " o so helpful" sales man. Now I already did my research but they are kinda unavoidable. I'll get to the point here.
When I informed him of the two phones I was interested in he said (insert condescending asshole tone here)
    "you know when you see a BB, you think business person. You know, email driven. Maybe run your own business"
    "umm hmm. Yes well..."
   " now the android has all kinds of "fun" apps like facebook,twitter,and flickr"
    "yeah...umm o.k., I'll take the Storm"
http://startsxwithxone.blogspot.com/2010/02/spam-friends-and-internet.html
Now I guess my point is this. Just because I strolled in wearing slouched jeans, a independent skateboard T-shirt, and a pair of vans.....what? huh? You think I like facebook etc.(refer to above link).
How the hell does this guy know. I could own a multi-million dollar company.
Hey... he was supper skinny, balding, mid 30 year-old with the shakes, wiping his inflamed nostrils like he had a cold.......I didn't coin him as a coke addict. Openly anyway.
Judge not my friends.....you never know who is who.

Renewal

2010-04-05T10:04:00.000-04:00

So here i sit in my new favorite spot. A freshly built picnic table. positioned in just a way that early enough in the day its shaded from the sun....so i can see the screen on my notebook. On my very modest piece of rented land you have to choices:
My neighboors very cluttered yard, soon to be masked by lilliacs
or
Pavement and a well maintained Suburban, it's fine really either way.
It would seem as though spring has sprung in these parts, a welcomed gift to a "surf and sand" lover such as myself. I always felt like spring was a time for renewal. Not so much lawns and flowers but renewal of self, life, and times....I mean this in the most non-philosophical way.
Every year I get this feeling. Like opportunities are limitless and everything is just fine...as long as the sun is shinning. Tis the season to grow, plant, and renew. Renew my approach on life. Not to be disappointed by the Fall thinking "I didn't accomplish anything i wanted to this summer".
My date with the surgeon is closing in, i am excited to be honest. With a few months of recovery in order, I am sure to be at my new favorite spot. Once a tree providing shade, now chopped and screwed so I can rest my weary head. A place for my children to eat and play. A place to sit with Angel and talk with out saying a word.
I can sit here and worry about whats to come next, or plan what to accomplish next..

So again, here i sit. Bottomless coffee cup, fresh pack of smokes, and the unsolved mysteries of life.
The questions are irrelevant because you always hold the answers.....the key is learning to see them.

Unconditional

2010-03-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

Unconditional love....its a funny thing. In my experience, the people that deem this one of their best qualities are total B.S. artists.True masters of the medium. I really feel this not to be something you profess, just something you do...unconditionally.
I know who loves me.I know who loves me unconditionally. I never asked nor was I told. I just know.
I know I work hard, so do the people that know me. I don't describe myself as a hard worker....
So all you self proclaimed unconditional lovers....do you really love without condition?

When you love someone unconditionally you do not set limits or boundaries on that love, not circumstances that would cause you to withdraw it, there is nothing that would cause you to not love the person. Even if the other person does something that you feel is intentional, it is overlooked if you are truly committed to unconditional love. You do not try to control the actions of the other person, nor do you tell them that you will not love them if they act a certain way or do a certain thing. When this kind of love is present both partners feel more secure and neither of them seeks to control the other.

2010-03-27T21:55:00.001-04:00

Life is a movie.....you want to be cast as a actor,or write the script?

Bad Boy Call And Skinny Jeans....Purple Skinny Jeans. The Middle.

2010-03-24T10:56:00.000-04:00

Where was I? Oh yeah, thats right. Leaving the country club. Off to the mall....reluctantly. Closing in one hour, we waste some time looking at pots and pans at Macy's. Nothing was purchased....while in the actual mall I noticed the vast array of kids wearing "skinny jeans", poorly maintained "faux hawks", and "gangsters" that would run and hide if they ever really saw a "9".
Ah, the shoe store. Love that smell. Tried on a pair of U.S made Doc's. Nothing like the U.K. made Doc's. Left with my Vans on. Go to the mall broke, I need all kinds of stuff.........go with a tax return burning a hole in your debit card, I need nothing. Malls closing, get out.
Onward friends....were to when a town shuts down at the stroke of nine. Dennys, nah....gas station...all set.
Oh I know. Kohls. Shit. really? O.K.
Hit or miss? Both. Its just one of those stores. Purchases....one green tank top, the girly kind. A run dmc sweatshirt, for my 10 year old. He was born in the wrong generation. Three pairs of pants. Black chords i was told to put away for next fall/winter...um o.k., i guess? A pair of "douche bag" pants, just in case i need them. I don't own much more than jeans. A cool v-neck sweater with buttons, alright.
So now as i look over to my lovely counter par, she is laughing a little.
What? Do i have lettuce on my front tooth?
Holding up a pair of men's purple,stretch, skinny jeans....you should try these on.
Why not? I will only look like a fruity umpa lumpa that got lost in Alice's wonderland, right after leaving Avatar, while on the way back to Charlies chocolate factory. The newer factory too, not the classic one.
Purple, nut hugging, ass-crack displaying, jeans. I like them, put em in the cart...
Cigarette outside the car, where to?
TGI Fridays it is....walking in with purple skinny jeans on.....the floor of the trunk.

Bad Boy Call And Skinny Jeans....Purple Skinny Jeans. The first part.

2010-03-22T09:10:00.004-04:00

A weekend with no kids....I'll take that. Lets go rip up the town, drink, start a fight, and escape unscathed.
Hardly.....yeah it's o.k. though.
Lets see, first stop. The barn. A local junk shop jammed full of everything. Tools, dishware, toys. You know all the stuff a good junk store should have. All of it crammed in so deep the more you dig, more you find.
Left with some decent finds. A black and chrome teapot. A Polaroid camera from 1957, mint I might add. My crowning achievement......a folding craftsman ruler. The woman who owns the store told me it belonged to Sy Sidebotham. Recently deceased. Sy was a drag racer, he was one of the founders and builders of new England Drag-way.
Strange, when I picked it up I held it close instantly. I could feel the "vibes". I would've never paid $5 for a old ruler, this was different though.
Home again, shower and shave.....off to the Country Club. Yup, you read right folks the Country Club.
I never even knew the next over had golf course. Without the gift certificate , people of our rank in life would have never been found there. What a waste of land. Anyway the food was decent, the drinks were decent and it wasn't too country club-ish. When looking the bill over i noticed something. A Jack and Coke, at this fine establishment is referred to as a Bad Boy Call.
Upon leaving i had visions. Visions of a Suburban doing doughnuts on the greens, the Sex Pistols pumping out of the radio, and 2 middle fingers in the air.
We drove through the gates, slowly. Most likely never to return again....

Rip it up

2010-03-11T10:31:00.001-05:00

The verdict is in. I need surgery on my knee. Words can not explain the joy this brings me....wait there is..aww balls. That's what i said on the way out. Not What the fuck or this sucks. Just balls.
I went for the initial visit, then went for a M.R.I.. I had a follow up yesterday. All hopes I had of a quick tune up and I'm on the road again, gone.
The diagnosis? I don't remember the exact terms so I'll lay it out the best I can, relying on wikipedia for the most part.
I have a torn ACL. Worst this doc has seen in a long time.So he says. There are some other ligaments that are gone. Where they are I'm not sure. With me so far?
Meniscus...yeah well that's a mess. One side is torn pretty bad and the other side (interior) is missing a piece. I'm no expert here but i don't think that is a good thing.
Anterior cruciate ligament...yeah that's not around either. Oh did i mention the fluid? No? Well then......
there is so much fluid in my knee he was surprised I was walking. Bone bruising too, I forgot that one.
Options are,
ACL reconstruction with a bone-patellar-tendon-bone autograft
ACL reconstruction with a semitendinosis- and/or gracilis-tendon autograft.
Allograft reconstruction of the ACL
Sweet! Recovery time on each is 4 to 6 to 8 months. Oh fucking joy...just in time for the summer. Wakeboard....negative. Skateboard...negative. Bike...negative. Work...negative, but I'm unemployed anyway so....
I should be worried about getting back to work so I can support my family, and I am. But..........
Really I want to get back skating as hard as possible, the same fury that got me in this position in the first place. That and my career choice is less than nice to the body.
Maybe I'll end up with a gnarly scar.

2010-03-05T17:23:00.000-05:00

2010-03-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline.

I want to get hammered

2010-02-27T11:00:00.003-05:00

with snow......and i don't even like snow. Tucked away in my house or my favorite spot at Starbucks....
then the snow is just fine....to watch.
For a week now it has switched between rain and snow. Sometimes I like the snow better because, you can move it around and out of the way. This morning it snowed just enough to make a mess and required me to shovel the drive way. 3 and 1/4 inches of lovely aggravation. The kind that if you don't shovel chances are there will be a deep freeze and make a real mess or, you will look really lazy for leaving it.
Now that i have done my manly duty......its going to be 40 degrees and sunny. That surely would have melted it.
I'm raising my coffee cup to the one town in the northeast. The one that can miss the four feet of snow.
Yes, I'm sure I would be whining about that too, but at least that's worth shoveling.

Good, bad, or a sign of heart failure.

2010-02-25T19:31:00.001-05:00

You ever have that feeling?
When your heart is really tight. You don't really know if its good, bad, or a sign of heart failure.
It moves down to the spot in your stomach. The spot that is reserved for the things you don't know what to do with. The things that scare the hell out of you. The things you have not figured out yet, and your not even sure if you want too. The things that make you happy. The things that hurt you, but for some reason you cant seem to get rid of them.Yet.
Maybe it's the uncertainty and unknown that's in everyone's life, jabbing that spot in your stomach.... so you don't forget it's there.