Thomas and the Bible

T and the B Wrap Up, Part 2!

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 04:00:18 +0000

I was joined by around 10 amazing listeners to reminisce about the show! Thank you guys so much for participating! I’ll be away for a few weeks, next week at Mythinformation con 3 and after that, I’ll need time to make a new intro and ready the next book. But then I’ll be back! This … Continue reading →

T and the B Wrap Up, Part 1!

Fri, 14 Oct 2016 05:25:43 +0000

Revelation 19-22

Fri, 07 Oct 2016 04:15:50 +0000

Guys, this is it. The last one. We’re done with the bible after this. Done. I’m already done since I had to record this before you listen to it. So I’m way ahead of you and quite emotional right now. Please come to my hangout on Thursday 10/13 6 pm Pacific. I’ll send out the Hangout link on Patreon and Facebook.

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Revelation 12-18

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 06:21:41 +0000

Jeeeeeeez last two episodes left!!!! This one sucks. Sorry. This book is still crap. Guess what, a bunch of gross stuff is going to happen to us. Bugs and fire and stuff and whatever. Yeah we’re all dead. Nice job god you’re so awesome.

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Revelation 6-11

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 03:32:19 +0000

Some more Revelacion! But first, a SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL guest!!!! Oh my god it was a total surprise to me and it was the best ever!!!!!!!!!!!

Also god is totally going to reign. He’s going to rule the crap out of heaven, since that’s what gods do.

Revelation 1-5

Fri, 16 Sep 2016 06:20:46 +0000

REVELATIONNNNNNN! It’s here! The end of the world is at hand! This reading was actually pretty fun. I’m going out with a bang! And hopefully the world ends right when I finish Revelation and then we’ll know for sure all this shit was true.

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1 John 5-Jude 1

Fri, 09 Sep 2016 07:22:14 +0000

We use the John a couple more times and then it’s hey Jude.

1 John 1-4

Fri, 02 Sep 2016 03:13:48 +0000

We’re really getting close to finishing this thing, but first we have to hit a few Johns. Did you know that god is love and love is god and you are love if you are god and we are all together?

1 Peter 3-2 Peter 3

Fri, 26 Aug 2016 06:08:22 +0000

We’re finishing an epistle allegedly written by Peter and moving onto another epistle even more allegedly written by Peter Showbox APK. In it, he emphasizes how this is definitely not his first rodeo OR epistle, and that people are idiots for thinking the world isn’t ending any minute. Signed, 1900 years ago.

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James 2-1 Peter 2

Fri, 19 Aug 2016 04:40:00 +0000

Oh cool some more boring letters to and from people we don’t know or care about. Kevin is back with a vengeance. His intro is killer. Several thousand dollars worth of studio magic went into his Showbox APK 40 second intro this week. He took out a second mortgage for this one. The least you could do is listen and slightly enjoy it, right?

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Hebrews 11-James 1

Fri, 12 Aug 2016 06:08:40 +0000

We finish up with those dirty Hebrews and then move onto a “general epistle.” Always interesting are those letters people just write in “general.” Hi I’m just writing to whomever about whatmever.

Hebrews 5-10

Fri, 05 Aug 2016 05:03:42 +0000

More Hebrews. I’m up to my ass in Hebrews and they aren’t interesting either. If they were maybe the slightly interesting kind of Hebrews, that would be ok. They’re not. They’re actually the mega-boring Hebrews you’ve heard about in the news.

Philemon-Hebrews 4

Fri, 29 Jul 2016 04:57:41 +0000

We’ve got a nice quickie in Philemon, a slave owner to whom Paul is trying to return a slave he found… And then we move onto Hebrews, which is an incredibly boring book about trying to make Jesus sound cool to Jews and stuff. Make sure to go to thomasandthebible.com/poll to choose the future of … Continue reading →

2 Timothy 1-Titus 3

Fri, 22 Jul 2016 02:01:27 +0000

It’s more Psaul or is it? We’re not sure. Someone wrote these craps and we’re now forced to read them. That’s pretty much all there is to it. I don’t think we’re meant to be reading other people’s mail. It’s terribly dull and pretty meaningless seeing as how it’s 2,000 years later and I don’t … Continue reading →

1 Timothy 1-6

Fri, 15 Jul 2016 02:48:55 +0000

It’s Psaul with another letter except it’s not Psaul it’s some dude who was such a colossal loser that he had nothing better to do than pretend he was Psaul in order to write MORE boring letters. So that’s even worse than Psaul.

1 Thessalonians-2 Thessalonians

Fri, 08 Jul 2016 03:53:40 +0000

We’re reading the crap out of Thessalonians today. We’ve got 1 Thessalonians, we’ve got 2 Thessalonians. All the Thessalonians you could want! Oh most importantly, go to thomasandthebible.com/poll to vote for the next book that I’ll do!

Colossians 1-4

Fri, 01 Jul 2016 05:08:15 +0000

SLAVES OBEY YOUR MASTERS! That’s Psaul’s godly advice! Everyone be good and fair, especially you slaves over there. I’ve got my eye on you. Slaves. You make sure to be very nice your poor masters. They have a lot on their minds. You think it’s easy being a slave master? Well it’s not, ok?

Philippians 1-4

Fri, 24 Jun 2016 04:20:44 +0000

This time Psaul is writing to the fallopians! This time it’s more of a positive letter since apparently the fallopians have decided to do what Psaul wants so they stop receiving bitchy epistles. Oh also, Psaul is doin’ time. He’s such a badass.

Ephesians 1-6

Fri, 17 Jun 2016 06:09:26 +0000

So according to Psaul all we have to do is believe in Jesus and we’re good! Forget all those commandments and stuff! That said, he’s got a bunch of…. not commandments but let’s say “guidelines” that you still need to follow because he says so. Despite the fact that it contradicts what he just said. … Continue reading →

Galatians 1-6

Fri, 10 Jun 2016 06:03:18 +0000

Psaul is back to ruining our life, one city at a time. The city in question no doubt making constant jack off motions in the air while reading Psaul’s pathetic letters is Galatia? Or something like that. Some people REALLY want to chop off their foreskins despite Psaul telling them like you really don’t need … Continue reading →

2 Corinthians 10-13

Fri, 03 Jun 2016 05:29:14 +0000

We’re finishing 2 Corinthians!! Wooohoooo! Surely we’re all done with Psaul then. There’s no way the dude had time to write EVEN MORE letters to unwilling receivers. Not possible. He’s all lettered out by now most likely. I’m guessing he lived out the rest of his days with a killer hand cramp which he eventually … Continue reading →

2 Corinthians 3-9

Fri, 27 May 2016 05:40:11 +0000

Just when you think Psaul can’t get anyer morer bonringer, he goes and does just that. I expect the next book to be him balancing his checkbook; listing off where he spent a few dollars here and there. Surely this letter never should have been read by anyone not named Corinth. But I thought of … Continue reading →

1 Corinthians 14-2 Corinthians 2

Sat, 21 May 2016 04:29:25 +0000

I’m getting really tired of Paul and all his shit. Fortunately we’re finishing 1 Corinthians so we’re definitely done with Paul!!! Woooooo! Alright let’s see what’s next… something called 2 Corinth…… Oh god.

1 Corinthians 9-13

Fri, 13 May 2016 06:05:28 +0000

We’re back with some more Psaulsplaining! He keeps on telling us more and more about life and the secrets of a god he met for 5 seconds in an alleged visitation. Well, that surely warrants his dispensing of knowledge like why women should be covered when they pray! It’s because they are of man of … Continue reading →

1 Corinthians 3-8

Thu, 05 May 2016 04:04:35 +0000

Wow seriously who died and made Psaul king of the world? This week we learn that he never got laid in high school and is now taking it out on the rest of us. But we really should take his word for it, because he’s pretty sure he’s like totally holy and stuff.

Romans 15-1 Corinthians 2

Thu, 28 Apr 2016 02:15:12 +0000

It seems there’s no respite from Psaul. We’re stuck with him forever. He’s completely hijacked this religion and this book and it appears as though no one can stop him. He’s writing some more boring letters to people who will probably toss them out along with the supermarket coupons no one uses anymore that still … Continue reading →

Romans 10-14

Thu, 21 Apr 2016 03:00:10 +0000

Back for more of Psaul’s rules. He basically gets to tell us what to do since that once time he saw something shiny and decided it was Jesus. Somehow that gave him the authorization to the ultimate boss of everything we do in our lives. Psaul really did essentially invent Christianity!

Romans 5-9

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 03:08:18 +0000

We get more rules from Psaul for his totally epic RPG! He has a hilarious habit of asking himself questions that totally undermine what he’s saying. Like, is my podcast really boring? OF COURSE NOT NOTHING TO SEE HERE WHY DID YOU ASK THAT.

Romans 1-4

Thu, 07 Apr 2016 04:05:40 +0000

Starting a new book! Warning though, this book doesn’t actually contain any Romans or like badass Roman battles or something. It’s just a really boring letter or “EPISTLE” for the super fancy among you. Paul is a huge blowhard who pretty much single handedly inflicted this Christianity crap on us. Punch him in the nuts … Continue reading →

Acts 25-28

Thu, 31 Mar 2016 04:26:43 +0000

After the best intro ever, we’re finally putting an end to all these Acts. The 28th axe will be the final axe to grind as far as I’m concerned. Will something significant happen to Paul? Will it be a cliffhanger ending or more like guy named cliff buying clothes hangers type ending? You decide.

Acts 21-24

Thu, 24 Mar 2016 04:59:10 +0000

Saul AKA Paul AKA 2 Chainz is at it again. The one thing that can be said about this episode is there is kind of a plot. That’s certainly new for this show. Things happen and people do stuff but not just in a random boring way, like they actually kind of are interesting maybe sort … Continue reading →

Acts 18-20

Thu, 17 Mar 2016 04:48:45 +0000

I’ve got an axe to grind. Axe 18-20. We get to hear some boring nothing stories about the apostles and there’s some semi interesting stuff in there. Also at one point, Paul is just plain DONE with the Jews. Jews, amiright?

Acts 15-17

Thu, 10 Mar 2016 07:11:52 +0000

More adventures of the Apostles mysteriously better at converting people than Jesus! Up for debate in today’s episode: does the omniscient all-powerful god want me to cut off my foreskin or is it ok if I don’t do that? Deep questions!

Acts 11-14

Thu, 03 Mar 2016 06:37:21 +0000

This week the Jews finally get what’s coming to them. It’s all about the Gentiles now, baby. One wonders why the Jews were ever the chosen people, if the New Testament is to be believed…

Acts 8-10

Thu, 25 Feb 2016 03:14:11 +0000

Today we’ve got some awesome contradiction for you! Remember that whole free will thing? Well it turns out it doesn’t always matter as much as Christians would have you believe….

Acts 5-7

Thu, 18 Feb 2016 02:45:51 +0000

Fun episode this week, we get some more tales of the people after Jesus called Jesustians. I think. And then we get a really really long story by some dude named Stephen with an abrupt hilarious ending. Tune in to find out what that was!

Acts 1-4

Thu, 11 Feb 2016 07:41:54 +0000

We’re onto a new book with a total sequel name. Jesus 5: Acts of the Apostles! We finally get to learn what happens after Jesus dies for the 4th time. Those apostles have to take up the mantle and get everyone all Christiany as fast as possible!

John 19-21

Thu, 04 Feb 2016 05:49:44 +0000

We’re finishing John! This particular account of Jesus’s death features some creative rewrites. It’s much smoother than the last ones. I think the authors really put in the extra effort in their revisions on this one and it’s certainly appreciated by this podcaster!

Support the show by clicking here!

John 15-18

Thu, 28 Jan 2016 07:51:08 +0000

Today we get almost to the end of this Jesus nonsense, for the 4th time. Highlights include Jesus telling god a lot of stuff… think about that… he’s God. He’s also Jesus. So it’s an omniscient being telling itself stuff it doesn’t know… Idiotic on a million levels.

John 11-14

Thu, 21 Jan 2016 07:39:59 +0000

I’ve got an action packed episode for you this week! John has quite a different take on Jesus’s final days. Did you know the devil made Judas betray Jesus? Isn’t Judas kind of off the hook then? Sounds like a victim in all this. Poor guy!

John 8-10

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 05:15:46 +0000

This was a particularly painful round of people asking Jesus “How do we know you’re the song of god?” Jesus: “Oh because my dad said so!”

John 6-7

Thu, 07 Jan 2016 08:06:48 +0000

Jesus’s brothers don’t even believe in him. I think that’s a pretty telltale sign that one is not a prophet. I think a real prophet would be so prophetable that even their own family would recognize it.

John 3-5

Thu, 31 Dec 2015 07:15:50 +0000

We are finally to the famous John 3:16! Find out just how stupid the quote actually is! I bet you had no idea! Wait you probably did because you aren’t a moron…

Luke 24-John 2

Thu, 24 Dec 2015 06:51:41 +0000

It’s a Christmas miracle! A totally mediocre podcast! WOW! Oh also Jesus rose from the dead AGAIN and then we have to Groundhog Day it back to the beginning. Because John probably has totally new and interesting things to say about this boring story! Not!

Luke 21-23

Thu, 17 Dec 2015 06:10:16 +0000

You know how it goes. Jesus. Betrayals. Executions for no reason. We’ve all been here before. It’s a glitch in the damned Matrix.

Luke 18-20

Thu, 10 Dec 2015 03:17:25 +0000

Basically anything you do in front of Jesus is wrong because apparently he’s like the best or whatever AND HE’S SO PERFECT AND NOTHING HE EVER DOES IS WRONG AND EVERYTHING WE DO IS THE WORST APPARENTLY

Luke 14-17

Thu, 03 Dec 2015 04:19:17 +0000

Some more confusing parables from our favorite confusing son of god who is also god!

Luke 11-13

Thu, 26 Nov 2015 09:13:22 +0000

Some more of the old Jesussy stuff. Also, fixed a problem that was limiting my feed to only the most recent 10 episodes. Sorry for that, all better now!

Luke 9-10

Thu, 19 Nov 2015 04:28:38 +0000

And we’re back! I bet you thought this day would NEVER get here!! The day when you get to FINALLY hear another boring part of the same story for the third time told slightly differently? WOWOWWOWOWOWOW

Luke 6-8

Thu, 12 Nov 2015 10:23:04 +0000

This one was really fun! Seriously some shows are better than others, and frankly, this one was one of those. I mean one of the two. Either better or the others. You figure it out.

Luke 4-5

Thu, 05 Nov 2015 05:12:26 +0000

Lots of funny stuff in today’s episode! We’re back to the pointless temptation of Jesus. Seriously, what is the point of that? Makes absolutely no sense. And then there are some other wacky happenings.Roblox Free Unlimited Robux and Tix

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Luke 1-3

Thu, 29 Oct 2015 05:05:30 +0000

Luke, I am god the father. In this pointless iteration of the boring Jesus story, we get some weird stuff. At least Luke is trying to be different! It’s like the hipster gospel.

Mark 15-16

Thu, 22 Oct 2015 06:22:22 +0000

Don’t be alarmed, but we FINALLY are going to learn what happens to Jesus Christ…. again. But STILL! Wait no who cares.

Mark 12-14

Thu, 15 Oct 2015 05:51:15 +0000

It’s deja vu all over a deja vu all over again again again again.

Mark 9-11

Thu, 08 Oct 2015 04:26:16 +0000

Time for some Markthew. It’s all the same. Mark, Matthew, Monty. All three of those are like the same book.

Mark 6-8

Thu, 01 Oct 2015 02:18:09 +0000

We’re back for more of this Jesus crap! And it’s the same old. But we still have fun!

Mark 2-5

Thu, 24 Sep 2015 03:08:10 +0000

Well in honor of Yogi Berra “It’s déjà vu all over again” as we read the same story we’ve already read with barely any changes. Not sure why this is necessary but hey! It’s the bible! The most perfect book ever written and HOW DARE WE QUESTION IT

Matthew 27-Mark 1

Thu, 17 Sep 2015 06:46:20 +0000

Alright well spoiler alert! Jesus dies. And then all of sudden he’s alive again and we’re back to the exact beginning of the story where we started… so uh…. yeah that.

Matthew 24-26

Thu, 10 Sep 2015 07:41:18 +0000

Jesus is back at it, pranking the shit out of his followers by making them drink his blood and eat his body LOLOLOLOL so punked! However he also had a really good lesson in this reading that was almost worthy of all the praise people heap on him.

Matthew 21-23

Thu, 03 Sep 2015 04:35:18 +0000

More Jesus! He has some stupid parables for a bit until he finally snaps and just starts yelling at people. LOL what a nut job.

Matthew 17-20

Thu, 27 Aug 2015 06:56:08 +0000

More of this Jesus character. I guess he’s some sort of recurring role in this series.

Matthew 13-16

Sat, 22 Aug 2015 06:04:50 +0000

It’s Jesus and the Terrible Parables! ™ This episode was lots of fun! Sorry it was two days late, but I really think I made up for it with a little help from my friends over at New Testament headquarters. It definitely gives me material!

Matthew 10-12

Thu, 13 Aug 2015 07:06:12 +0000

This is episode 200!!! It was a nice, fun, new testamental experience! Jesus is pretty full of himself if you ask me.

Matthew 6-9

Thu, 06 Aug 2015 05:29:28 +0000

It’s the second installment of the New Testament! Fun fun fun!

Matthew 1-5

Thu, 30 Jul 2015 07:54:47 +0000

New Testament!!!! There’s this new character who is super awesome and really fun to read about. That’s right, Joseph! What a guy!

The Story So Far

Thu, 23 Jul 2015 05:56:50 +0000

This is the blank episode we’ve all been waiting for! Tune in to find out what I decided to do for this. Hint**** it may involve a bit of alcohol…

Malachi 1-4

Thu, 16 Jul 2015 07:19:12 +0000

We are DONE with the Old Testament, after you listen to this.. Unbelievable. It took 5 years and 2 months and a few days. It’s hard to believe how much time has gone by since I started this thing.

Zechariah 8-14

Thu, 09 Jul 2015 06:09:43 +0000

We’re exactly 75% done with the bible! So crazy! And guess what, STILL NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENS!!! But that’s ok, I’m here to help.

Zechariah 1-7

Thu, 02 Jul 2015 06:14:22 +0000

Hey this was a pretty fun minor prophet actually! I mean nothing new happened but I totally made some jokes and stuff.

Zephaniah 1-Haggai 2

Thu, 25 Jun 2015 03:27:49 +0000

Here’s some more total crap that is complete filler until the New Testament! I think people must have just been stalling waiting around for that prodigal son who was taking his sweet ass time.

Nahum 1-Habakkuk 3

Thu, 18 Jun 2015 07:24:00 +0000

Sure. These are real books. Right. Absolutely.

Micah 4-Micah 7

Thu, 11 Jun 2015 04:29:58 +0000

Micah Micah Micah! Today we read from the prophet of Sauron, war be upon him.

Jonah 1-Micah 3

Thu, 04 Jun 2015 04:29:22 +0000

Guys it’s not a whale, it’s a great fish. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE. I’m really not sure what difference that makes… But join me for another not worth reading selection of the bible, where we get an absurd story about a super lazy dude who doesn’t want to run errands for god!

Amos 5-Obadiah 1

Thu, 28 May 2015 05:36:36 +0000

Look I’m not going to lie, this reading sucked. Almost nothing interesting happened and there wasn’t even a Harley intro… But I did my best! We must toil on in this drudgery!

Joel 3-Amos 4

Thu, 21 May 2015 05:50:50 +0000

Famos Amos! Turns out he’s famous for packing in the most annoyance per capita in the bible. Well, to be honest, probably not. But he puts up a good effort.

Hosea 10-Joel 2

Thu, 14 May 2015 02:42:19 +0000

Well what can I say, more minor prophets. We’d be better off with MINER prophets, AM I RIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH.

No but really it’s the minor prophets. Nothing happens.

Hosea 1-9

Thu, 07 May 2015 06:08:51 +0000

New book! Oh my god I’m so excited! Don’t get too excited though, it actually sucks. Who could have guessed! We have 12 minor prophets until the new testament. We’re already almost done with one! Excitement.

Daniel 10-12

Thu, 30 Apr 2015 06:23:36 +0000

13 episodes until the next episode! We’re finishing Daniel today. YAY!! This book wasn’t bad really. But not bad compared to like REALLY bad books. So compared to anything good it was awful.

Daniel 6-9

Thu, 23 Apr 2015 04:38:54 +0000

Heh heh, 6-9…. Anyway, some interesting prophecies told through meaningless animal interactions and anatomy. Kind of a bizarre method of prophecy if you ask me. Also, married dude.

Daniel 3-5

Thu, 16 Apr 2015 04:59:34 +0000

We continue with the book of Daniel. Pretty interesting. A little repetitive, but at least there’s a story now. Thanks for listening and patronizing the show at http://www.patreon.com/tandtheb !

Daniel 1-2

Thu, 09 Apr 2015 03:38:27 +0000

New book! Daniel is starting off at least interestingly. We’ve got some amazing miracles and fortune telling in this one. Don’t miss it!

Also, if you happen to be in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area, check out Minnesota Skeptics! Find them on Facebook or on Meetup.com. Say hi to Travis for me if you do!

Ezekiel 45-48

Thu, 02 Apr 2015 02:55:06 +0000

WE’RE ENDING EZEKIEL!!!!! I mean I’m sure it won’t really mean a huge bump in quality, but we can always hope… I think this episode was pretty solid actually. You guys know me by now. I’m incredibly honest. This was like a 7.5/10. Certified Fresh.

Ezekiel 41-44

Thu, 26 Mar 2015 02:45:22 +0000

Well we’ve got more measurements… But fortunately I’ve got your back! I came up with some interesting stuff to talk about and we made it safely to the other side of this canyon of crap.

Ezekiel 38-40

Thu, 19 Mar 2015 02:16:54 +0000

Obey the Lord Gog or face his wrath. Today we read some crap and then there’s the best thing in all of the bible… MEASUREMENTS!

Ezekiel 34-37

Thu, 12 Mar 2015 03:53:35 +0000

Alright, this episode was kick ass! Thanks to my Patrons, and thanks for sticking with me through that crap episode last week. This one ruled! I hope you enjoy it!

Ezekiel 30-33

Thu, 05 Mar 2015 06:31:15 +0000

This was one of the worst episodes I’ve ever done. Sorry it sucks so much but God is at least half to blame for the shittiness of his writing.

Ezekiel 25-29

Thu, 26 Feb 2015 05:45:15 +0000

Another bible episode, why not! I introduce a new and well thought out character in this episode. Not sure why but it just happened. So that was fun. Other than that, same drivel, different day.

Ezekiel 22-24

Thu, 19 Feb 2015 06:58:30 +0000

In this week’s episode we get some more brilliant analogies from Steve the Lord.

Ezekiel 18-21

Thu, 12 Feb 2015 07:07:41 +0000

Today’s reading is from something called “the bible.” Let’s see how this goes…

Ezekiel 15-17

Thu, 05 Feb 2015 07:30:41 +0000

It’s a puke-tastic episode today! More than just the normal amount of puking the bible always makes you want to do. You’ll find out.

Ezekiel 10-14

Thu, 29 Jan 2015 07:55:49 +0000

More Ezekiel. Also, support Harley on Patreon.com/PreviouslyOn. He’s a great guy and I’m definitely supporting his intros!

Ezekiel 4-9

Thu, 22 Jan 2015 06:53:23 +0000

More Ezekiel! It turns out the Samuel L. Jackson quote is supposed to be from Ezekiel, but is actually misquoted. This is according to my sources who messaged me. Thanks for the clarification! Also, nothing happened.

Lamentations 4-Ezekiel 3

Thu, 15 Jan 2015 07:27:08 +0000

Well, it is with great lament that I tell you we’re finishing Lamentations today. But we move onto Ezekiel, which starts out quite strong! Almost not completely boring, just because it was so bizarre.

Lamentations 1-3

Thu, 08 Jan 2015 07:49:11 +0000

We start a new book today! Spoiler alert: it still sucks. But at least it’s different!

Jeremiah 51-52

Thu, 01 Jan 2015 05:44:08 +0000

Happy new year! That’s about all there is to say about this. We say good bye to a year and to a terrible book, since we finish Jeremiah!!!! Yay!!! Hopefully the next one is a little more entertaining, though with a name like Lamentations of Jeremiah, I don’t hold out much hope…

Jeremiah 48-50

Thu, 25 Dec 2014 05:21:37 +0000

It’s the Christmas Steve edition of T and the B! More death and destruction for everyone! Such a happy Christmas message.

Jeremiah 43-47

Thu, 18 Dec 2014 06:53:43 +0000

Early episode for Patrons! My schedule is impossible this week so I’m having to do this one a bit early. Then I thought, why not release it on Patreon early just in case anyone wants to check it out sooner than normal? No reason, that’s why not. So I did.

Jeremiah 38-42

Thu, 11 Dec 2014 07:19:34 +0000

This reading was boring, son of boredom, son of redundancy, son of barf, son of agonizing, son of Shem.

Jeremiah 34-37

Thu, 04 Dec 2014 08:05:29 +0000

And again with the nothing. Since this episode is the same as everything else, I’ll just paste in this description of a Gumble to Gumble episode:

Jeremiah 31-33

Thu, 27 Nov 2014 07:40:47 +0000

More Jeremiah. That Matlock summary was a real hit last time. Actually no one even commented on it so maybe no one reads these. So why bother? What is life for? Who cares.

Jeremiah 27-30

Thu, 20 Nov 2014 07:52:17 +0000

This book is so boring it’s not worth even summarizing. Please accept this summary of an old Matlock episode instead: “Matlock travels to New York City to help Alex Winthrop represent a British Ambassador accused of murdering his lover’s husband. The ambassador could invoke diplomatic immunity, but would lose his diplomatic career. The trail leads … Continue reading →

Jeremiah 23-26

Thu, 13 Nov 2014 07:06:05 +0000

Harley’s back with a kick ass intro! And today we learn that we’re 36 episodes away from the New Testament. That’s a crapload of episodes!! Also I made some weird song observations and connections because there wasn’t anything in the reading to talk about at all.

Jeremiah 18-22

Thu, 06 Nov 2014 05:36:10 +0000

I’m not sure how much longer I can type the same exact description for every episode… Well, I guess I am sure. It will be about as long as the episodes are exactly the same because this book sucks. I really can’t wait to get to all the Jesus stuff.

Jeremiah 13-17

Thu, 30 Oct 2014 06:44:04 +0000

Is there anything I can really say at this point? Is there a single word I can type on here that I haven’t typed a million times? More boring prophecy. More “Hey, god told me a bunch of stuff, let me rattle it off to you.”

Jeremiah 9-12

Thu, 23 Oct 2014 07:20:05 +0000

Praise the lord for THE WORD. I have some computer problems but they all melt away when I read THE WORD. Like that ray of sunlight that trickles through your morning window, so is THE WORD of our Lord. Praise him.

Jeremiah 5-8

Thu, 16 Oct 2014 06:18:21 +0000

Death threat 1: scary. Death threat 9,875: not as scary. God continues to promise death over and over and eventually it loses its luster. Just kill us already, ok?

Jeremiah 1-4

Thu, 09 Oct 2014 04:48:05 +0000

Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and a minor prophet. I’ve got bad news and bad news: we’re starting a new book, and this book is just as shitty as all the other ones. Good thing I’m here to get you through it!

Isaiah 63-66

Thu, 02 Oct 2014 07:30:13 +0000

This episode asks an important question: Was Moses totally jacked? I mean, he was definitely ripped, but was he torn? I know his bi’s and tri’s were totally buff, but were they glorious? That’s really the question. I won’t say definitely no, but I’m not sure I’d say yes exactly. Hard to say. Tough questions.

Isaiah 56-62

Thu, 25 Sep 2014 07:40:10 +0000

God I’m so sick of this stupid book. Isaiah, I mean. I’m sure the next one will be better. For 2 paragraphs and then it will be totally terrible.

Isaiah 50-55

Thu, 18 Sep 2014 05:39:05 +0000

Well I got good news and bad news. Bad news is we’re still in Isaiah. Good news is, I’m here to help you through the pain! More nothing happens, and then there’s some nothing and then some more nothing. But other than that, tons of stuff!

Isaiah 45-49

Thu, 11 Sep 2014 06:48:46 +0000

It’s the bible, it’s Isaiah, and it’s boring. Hopefully we will some day finish this terrible book and move on with our lives. Nah, never going to happen.

Isaiah 40-44

Thu, 04 Sep 2014 05:48:15 +0000

God is so pathetic… Find out why with some more boring Isaiah!!

Isaiah 34-39

Thu, 28 Aug 2014 06:15:10 +0000

Episode 150!!! What did you bring for my celebratory potluck? Oh… nothing? Oh, ok. Well.. did you bring like plastic silverware or something? Oh I see… So there isn’t a celebratory potluck is there….

Isaiah 29-33

Thu, 21 Aug 2014 05:03:10 +0000

I wish I could think of something different to say here…. It’s more of the same. But I OVERCAME and made some more great jokes. I’m loving this show, it’s fun again thanks to my Patrons! What? How do you become one of those amazing, show-enabling, inspirational people? By jumping onto http://www.patreon.com/tandtheb of course!

Isaiah 23-28

Thu, 14 Aug 2014 06:25:03 +0000

Some more hilariously boring prophecies! I had some fun with this one despite it being still incredibly repetitive and boring. Thomas to the rescue!

Isaiah 16-22

Thu, 07 Aug 2014 05:08:11 +0000

Well this week we have some more prophesying and guess what guys, it’s not exactly favorable. That’s right! Bad things are going to happen to all the heathens of Egypt, Moab, and some other places you’ve never heard of! So cancel that vacation! That’s all that happens in this reading really but it’s still HILARIOUS because I’m like super good at comedy. Alright it’s pretty funny because I’m like kind of okay at jokes. Alright you got me, it’s tolerable and none of the other stuff is true. Alright you got me again. It sucks.

Isaiah 10-15

Thu, 31 Jul 2014 02:42:17 +0000

More boring Isaiah… but don’t worry! It’s Thomas to the rescue, with his C+ sense of humor, to ease you all through the pain of the bible!

Isaiah 4-9

Wed, 23 Jul 2014 04:31:16 +0000

More boring old Isaiah. One semi-notable thing though is that we hear a little prophecy about Immanuel, who people believe is Jesus. He will be born of god essentially, and all the good things will happen to the Jews. Doesn’t really seem like Jesus fits that description though, does it? Also, as Bart Ehrman and … Continue reading →

Isaiah 1-3

Thu, 17 Jul 2014 02:31:27 +0000

Well we’re done making sweet, sweet love to the Song of Songs, but don’t worry! We’ve got some more boring Israelite condemnation! They’re such sinners, aren’t they? They’d better get some fire and brimstone.

Ecclesiastes 11-Song of Solomon 8

Thu, 10 Jul 2014 05:34:33 +0000

The bible gets sexy with the song of songs! You’ll feel it in your holiest of holies.

Ecclesiastes 4-10

Thu, 03 Jul 2014 04:55:13 +0000

Well Ecclesiastes started so promising and showed a few glimmers of hope this episode, but it also took a turn for the Proverbs, if you know what I mean. Markedly less good. Let’s hope the thrilling conclusion is good next week!

Proverbs 30-Ecclesiastes 3

Thu, 26 Jun 2014 06:06:49 +0000

Yay, the podcast lives! I’m back and better than ever, on a mission to defeat the infinite boredom! In all seriousness though, this was one of my favorite episodes ever. And I have the WEIRDEST announcement ever…. Ecclesiastes is actually GOOD! Completely serious. It’s a great start to the new reign of T and the … Continue reading →

Proverbs 24-29

Thu, 19 Jun 2014 06:28:58 +0000

Well some more ridiculous proverbs. Solomon or whoever it is has no idea how to construct a proper analogy. His analogies are like a dead battery in a fire alarm. Or something. Anyway, will this be the final episode of Thomas and the Bible? It is unless the goal is met here:

http://patreon.com/tandtheb

If this truly is the end of the show, it was a pleasure getting to know all you guys and hearing from you over the years. If this podcast is valuable to you, keep it alive! If it isn’t, then it’s no big deal that I don’t have time to do it anymore.

Mr. Kitty.

Proverbs 18-23

Thu, 15 May 2014 06:23:58 +0000

Proverbs 18-23

And more terrible Proverbs. Highlight of the show is that Harley is back for an intro! Other than that….

Proverbs 12-17

Wed, 14 May 2014 05:09:02 +0000

Proverbs 12-17

Wow Proverbs is a real piece. It’s like someone just trying to rattle off pseudo-wisdom in the hopes something sticks… Or maybe god was actually omniscient and predicted memes!

Proverbs 6-11

Thu, 17 Apr 2014 18:05:29 +0000

Proverbs 6-11

We move on from the mind numbing Psalms to some mind numbing Proverbs. This so called “wisdom” is something a 10 year old could write, as is the norm with the bible.

Psalms 149-Proverbs 5

Tue, 15 Apr 2014 06:00:43 +0000

Psalms 149-Proverbs 5

Harley is back with a killer previously on covering all of Psalms! And then we finish psaid psalms and move on to Proverbs. A little less boring but still terrible.

Psalms 139-148

Tue, 08 Apr 2014 06:07:41 +0000

Psalms 139-148

Blahhhhh only 2 more Psalms after this episode! Finallllllllly.

Psalms 122-138

Sun, 06 Apr 2014 00:27:21 +0000

Psalms 122-138

Psalms still. Not much to report today. We’re getting pretty close to being done though!

Psalms 119-121

Tue, 01 Apr 2014 07:26:22 +0000

Psalms 119-121

Today we read the longest Psalm in Psalm history. And guess what… it could have been written in about 3 lines and said just as much!

Psalms 109-118

Mon, 31 Mar 2014 07:38:27 +0000

Psalms 109-118

Knocking out some more quick Psalms. This is the longest most boring challenge we’ve yet had to face.

Psalms 105-108

Sun, 30 Mar 2014 21:38:04 +0000

Psalms 105-108

Knocking out some more quick Psalms. This is the longest most boring challenge we’ve yet had to face.

Psalms 94-104

Fri, 28 Mar 2014 04:32:49 +0000

Psalms 94-104

Halfway DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with the BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Psalms 85-93

Thu, 27 Mar 2014 06:17:34 +0000

Psalms 85-93

And some more Psalms. I feel like I could pass for a proper psalter in a regular psaltery with all these psalms I’ve been preading.

Psalms 78-84

Wed, 26 Mar 2014 03:11:46 +0000

Psalms 78-84

Well, more Psalms as per usual. It hasn’t been too bad though, just bland. Stick with me. Some day we’ll get to the New Testament, you’ll see. Where there are no cats and the roads are paved with cheese.

Psalms 71-77

Tue, 25 Mar 2014 02:00:34 +0000

Psalms 71-77

Continuing psalms, as we will for quite some time. Not much else to say… again… I’ll make it funny though, I promise. Well kind of…

Psalms 62-70

Mon, 24 Mar 2014 03:18:17 +0000

Psalms 62-70

Psalms Psalms everywhere a Psalms. Yep not much else to say, more Psalms. Getting closer to being done with them though!

Psalms 51-61

Tue, 18 Mar 2014 05:11:01 +0000

Psalms 51-61

Psalms. Yep still. This one wasn’t too bad though, I think there were some good jokes and points in it.

Psalms 42-50

Wed, 12 Mar 2014 05:28:50 +0000

Psalms 42-50

Psalms is like having to listen to a homeless person rant about god but you’re like stuck in quicksand and can’t just leave. It’s agony.

Psalms 34-41

Tue, 11 Mar 2014 05:27:15 +0000

Psalms 34-41

Psalms is like having to listen to a homeless person rant about god but you’re like stuck in quicksand and can’t just leave. It’s agony.

Psalms 25-33

Mon, 10 Mar 2014 05:26:19 +0000

Psalms 25-33

Psalms is like having to listen to a homeless person rant about god but you’re like stuck in quicksand and can’t just leave. It’s agony.

Psalms 17-24

Mon, 24 Feb 2014 07:00:24 +0000

Psalms 17-24

More boring ass Psalms. This book is rapidly climbing up the Billboard’s top 100 boringest books of the bible. It’s like #4 already after 3 episodes.

Psalms 4-16

Fri, 21 Feb 2014 06:08:47 +0000

Psalms 4-16

Psalms. The ramblings of an insane person. This isn’t going to be pretty. We’ll just have to get through it together. With maybe the help of a certain alter-ego?…..

Job 39-Psalms 3

Mon, 17 Feb 2014 05:01:32 +0000

Job 39-Psalms 3

We finish Job! It’s pretty stellar how much of an idiot god looks like in Job. Then we get to move onto Psalms. Specific Psalms and psalteries.

Job 33-Job 38

Sun, 16 Feb 2014 07:32:16 +0000

Job 33-Job 38

More Job, but we’re almost done! More boring conversation and then god comes in and starts clearing things up. This book is pathetic.

Job 26-Job 32

Mon, 10 Feb 2014 07:03:29 +0000

Job 26-Job 32

More Job. More Job. This guy is a one man Chronicles. It’s still not even close to as bad as that though. Also it’s almost wrapping up so hopefully something will happen soon…

Job 19-Job 25

Sun, 09 Feb 2014 03:05:27 +0000

Job 19-Job 25

More boring Job. I’m not sure why these guys keep talking to each other. They just say the same things back and forth at each other and don’t convince one another. Oh well.

Job 12-Job 18

Thu, 06 Feb 2014 06:15:51 +0000

Job 12-Job 18

Well Job went and did it. He became just as boring as the rest of the bible. This reading is pretty repetitive but I salted it with some genius observations about life. Yep.

Job 5-Job 11

Tue, 04 Feb 2014 00:29:49 +0000

Job 5-Job 11

More Job, only more boring. It gets a little repetitive here unfortunately. Also a dog really bothers me while recording and my audio seems to be popping for some reason. Sode sucks.

Esther 9-Job 4

Fri, 31 Jan 2014 07:43:20 +0000

Esther 9-Job 4

We have a disappointing ending to Esther, and then a very thought provoking start to Job. I mean, it’s still insanity, but slightly more interesting and thoughtful insanity.

Esther 3-Esther 8

Mon, 27 Jan 2014 05:14:08 +0000

Esther 3-Esther 8

Wow this was literally the most entertaining read I’ve ever had in the bible. It had like a plot and a message kind of and stuff. UNHEARD OF! I liked it, really.

Nehemiah 12-Esther 2

Fri, 24 Jan 2014 05:26:25 +0000

Nehemiah 12-Esther 2

Thomas had some sort of brain condition during this episode and sucked. Esther is looking like an interesting book.

Nehemiah 9-Nehemiah 11

Tue, 21 Jan 2014 03:04:15 +0000

Nehemiah 9-Nehemiah 11

Nehemiah has mysteriously disappeared and been replaced with a boring priest toeing the party line. Sucky reading.

Nehemiah 5-Nehemiah 8

Sat, 18 Jan 2014 05:34:44 +0000

Nehemiah 5-Nehemiah 8

Nehemiah is kind of a cool dude. I can’t honestly find much wrong with him. But don’t worry. He’ll let us down. He’s a man, all men are pigs.

Nehemiah 1-Nehemiah 4

Fri, 17 Jan 2014 06:00:14 +0000

Nehemiah 1-Nehemiah 4

We got a hold of Nehemiah’s private journal! Not sure why we’re reading it but it tells the barely interesting story of building some walls!

Ezra 7-Ezra 10

Thu, 16 Jan 2014 06:12:25 +0000

Ezra 7-Ezra 10

Ezra is just a lonely gay man who wants to be loved.

Ezra 3-Ezra 6

Mon, 16 Dec 2013 02:56:47 +0000

Ezra 3-Ezra 6

We continue with Ezra and make no Better Than Ezra jokes at all. Many letters are written back and forth and for some reason we have to read about them. Still beats Chronicles any day of the week.

2 Chronicles 35-Ezra 2

Sun, 08 Dec 2013 06:02:59 +0000

2 Chronicles 35-Ezra 2

Mr Kitty update, it’s good news! Far more than anything in the bible. EXCEPT we finish Chronicles today! Yay!!!!!!!!!! Still sucks.

2 Chronicles 32-2 Chronicles 34

Sat, 23 Nov 2013 09:10:32 +0000

2 Chronicles 32-2 Chronicles 34

Lots of Mr. Kitty updates. Our favorite podcat. Also stuff about my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show. Oh yeah plus the lame bible.

2 Chronicles 29-2 Chronicles 31

Sun, 10 Nov 2013 09:13:18 +0000

2 Chronicles 29-2 Chronicles 31

The Word. Jesus Christ is the only Eagle Scout I want guiding me down the path to righteousness through the dark woods of humanity.

2 Chronicles 24-2 Chronicles 28

Fri, 08 Nov 2013 08:07:48 +0000

2 Chronicles 24-2 Chronicles 28

Praise be to the lord! Thomas spreads The Word and it is holy and it is pure and it is good. Many lessons today. THE WORD.

2 Chronicles 20-2 Chronicles 23

Tue, 29 Oct 2013 06:35:00 +0000

2 Chronicles 20-2 Chronicles 23

More of the same, but this time Thomas spices it up with some real cat talk. Kitten watch 2013. Nothing happens bible-wise.

2 Chronicles 14-2 Chronicles 19

Tue, 22 Oct 2013 07:10:50 +0000

2 Chronicles 14-2 Chronicles 19

Episode 100!!!! We celebrate by reading the same boring crap we’ve been reading the whole time. Please go to my site or Facebook and hit the paypal donate button! Thanks!

2 Chronicles 9-2 Chronicles 13

Mon, 14 Oct 2013 03:14:29 +0000

2 Chronicles 9-2 Chronicles 13

In this episode, Thomas reads from one of god’s lesser works, “The Bible”. God was pretty much coasting at this point in his career, and hoped to just get fat off of movie rights.

2 Chronicles 5-2 Chronicles 8

Mon, 07 Oct 2013 03:09:55 +0000

2 Chronicles 5-2 Chronicles 8

In this episode, Thomas reads from one of god’s lesser works, “The Bible”. God was pretty much coasting at this point in his career, and hoped to just get fat off of movie rights.

1 Chronicles 29-2 Chronicles 4

Sun, 29 Sep 2013 07:09:46 +0000

1 Chronicles 29-2 Chronicles 4

In this episode, Thomas reads from one of god’s lesser works, “The Bible”. God was pretty much coasting at this point in his career, and hoped to just get fat off of movie rights.

1 Chronicles 25-1 Chronicles 28

Wed, 04 Sep 2013 05:24:18 +0000

1 Chronicles 25-1 Chronicles 28

“Even the weight for the candlesticks of gold, and for their lamps of gold, by weight for every candlestick, and for the lamps thereof: and for the candlesticks of silver by weight, both for the candlestick, and also for the lamps thereof, etc…”

1 Chronicles 20-1 Chronicles 24

Fri, 09 Aug 2013 06:08:31 +0000

1 Chronicles 20-1 Chronicles 24

I’m editing the comments section for both these episodes at once, but you wouldn’t have known if I didn’t tell you. I could have just said “Nothing happens.”

1 Chronicles 15-1 Chronicles 19

Fri, 09 Aug 2013 06:06:25 +0000

1 Chronicles 15-1 Chronicles 19

I’m editing the comments section for both these episodes at once, but you wouldn’t have known if I didn’t tell you. I could have just said “Nothing happens.”

1 Chronicles 10-1 Chronicles 14

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 05:41:39 +0000

1 Chronicles 10-1 Chronicles 14

Almost something, but no, still nothing in reality. I hate this book so much.

1 Chronicles 7-1 Chronicles 9

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 05:39:39 +0000

1 Chronicles 7-1 Chronicles 9

Still nothing.

1 Chronicles 3-1 Chronicles 6

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 05:38:06 +0000

1 Chronicles 3-1 Chronicles 6

Nothing.

2 Kings 25-1 Chronicles 2

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 05:45:51 +0000

2 Kings 25-1 Chronicles 2

Well the bible totally failed, so I did a little special episode where I talked about some random stuff and my cat. Hope you enjoy!

2 Kings 21-2 Kings 24

Thu, 30 May 2013 04:58:59 +0000

2 Kings 21-2 Kings 24

More blah blah but God blessed us with one of the biggest douche bag moves ever. Such an annoying douche.

2 Kings 18-2 Kings 20

Wed, 22 May 2013 06:23:08 +0000

2 Kings 18-2 Kings 20

Well we finally have a king who got rid of the high places. Doesn’t seem like he got much for it though. Also, boring.

2 Kings 14-2 Kings 17

Wed, 15 May 2013 05:14:17 +0000

2 Kings 14-2 Kings 17

A-hole, son of d-bag, was fine except still pissed off the lord. So he eventually died. WHY DON’T YOU READ IT IN THE CHRONICLES, JEEZ!

2 Kings 10-2 Kings 13

Wed, 01 May 2013 04:08:12 +0000

2 Kings 10-2 Kings 13

Well more of nothing happened. First the was a king, and he was kind of good but bad in some way, and repeat that over and over and over. This book still sucks horribly.

2 Kings 7-2 Kings 9

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 03:24:47 +0000

2 Kings 7-2 Kings 9

More crap and some crappy crap, but DEFINITELY no cat. There will be NO cats on this show ever. There are no cats in America.

2 Kings 3-2 Kings 6

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 05:55:19 +0000

2 Kings 3-2 Kings 6

If I had to summarize this reading in one word it would be “this book sucks.” It’s crap, it’s crap, and it’s crap. Some day another testament will take me away from all this, I hope.

1 Kings 22-2 Kings 2

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 03:26:51 +0000

1 Kings 22-2 Kings 2

The Israelites suck some more, but we have one of the best endings to a chapter ever. You really need to listen for this one.

1 Kings 19-1 Kings 21

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 02:52:34 +0000

1 Kings 19-1 Kings 21

More adventures of Elijah, and then Ahab who is actually totally cool is obviously hated by the lord of dickery. What an asshole.

1 Kings 15-1 Kings 18

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 03:38:30 +0000

1 Kings 15-1 Kings 18

So now some boring kings fall into a pattern of coming into power, being corrupt, and being killed. Rinse. Repeat. And then we get introduced to Elijah who has the tiniest potential to be maybe somewhat interesting some day.

1 Kings 12-1 Kings 14

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 03:37:12 +0000

1 Kings 12-1 Kings 14

So Solomon has passed and now his boring kingdom has been boringly split up. Some boring people are going to argue over it, boringly. And then a weird story about some prophets. And god shows incredibly poor judgment.

1 Kings 9-1 Kings 11

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 02:54:39 +0000

1 Kings 9-1 Kings 11

Today we learn more about Solomon. He does almost nothing but collect a ton of gold, bang chicks and then dies. Wow, he’s like the original gangster. Except that he didn’t die as a result of foul play.. Still. Anyway he’s the best king so far.

1 Kings 7-1 Kings 8

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 08:25:43 +0000

1 Kings 7-1 Kings 8

Today we get one chapter of totally boring construction tips, and then a chapter of a prayer. I feel like I had kind of a breakthrough in this one though. Tune in to find out what that was!

1 Kings 3-1 Kings 6

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 04:42:56 +0000

1 Kings 3-1 Kings 6

Alright so Solomon has become king, and now he has to do a bunch of boring things to set up his kingdom. EXCITING. It’s hard to stop doing ironic capitalization. It’s always funny. Or at least somewhat funny. Kinda chuckly. I’M NOT STOPPING.

1 Kings 1-1 Kings 2

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 03:31:32 +0000

1 Kings 1-1 Kings 2

Gavid is passing on, finally. It’s time for someone to take over his fabulous reign! Who will it be? It’s one of his two sons. KILLER CLIFFHANGER!!!!! You’ll have to tune in to find out which one.

2 Samuel 21-2 Samuel 24

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 07:33:32 +0000

2 Samuel 21-2 Samuel 24

We’ve reached the end of David’s reign of terror (I think). In this episode we see the gritty sequel to David and Goliath; 2 David 2 Goliath. It’s more action packed and gives you everything the first one lacked.

2 Samuel 18-2 Samuel 20

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 07:26:00 +0000

2 Samuel 18-2 Samuel 20

As one rebellion is squashed, another one rises. That’s what happens when you’re a terrible king I guess. Guys, check out the live stream. It’s lots of fun.

2 Samuel 14-2 Samuel 17

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 05:12:56 +0000

2 Samuel 14-2 Samuel 17

Joab pulls a fast but totally obvious one on David to get him to invite Absalom back, but this proves to be a bad decision when Absalom totally ruins David’s life and takes over his kingdom and stuff. Stupid Joab. Idiot.

2 Samuel 11-2 Samuel 13

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 06:52:43 +0000

2 Samuel 11-2 Samuel 13
Well it didn’t take long for David to turn into a complete douche. I guess the loss of your boyfriend can do that. Anyway then there’s some incest that happens.

2 Samuel 5-2 Samuel 10

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 07:31:24 +0000

2 Samuel 5-2 Samuel 10

This is my first UStreamed episode! Check out the stream and I will be broadcasting all future episodes live! Anyway, David continues to act fabulously and stuff. Bible.

2 Samuel 1-2 Samuel 4

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 07:41:25 +0000

2 Samuel 1-2 Samuel 4

When the dust settles in the war between Saul and David, who will be left standing? Well, David it turns out, but not really because he did anything, except mourn the loss of his gay lover Jonathan; another casualty of this cruel, boring war.

1 Samuel 27-1 Samuel 31

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 07:44:43 +0000

1 Samuel 27-1 Samuel 31

We are finishing first Samuel today! Can’t wait to move on to second Samuel, even though Samuel is still quite dead. Saul travels to the forest moon of Endor to see an Ewok who can produce a hologram of Samuel for him to talk to.

1 Samuel 24-1 Samuel 26

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 03:28:45 +0000

1 Samuel 24-1 Samuel 26

Well Saul is the laziest king there is. He just can’t sit still and do king stuff for ten minutes without storming out to go kill David for no reason. Then again, with how much of an entitled prick David ends up being, I’m starting to sympathize…

1 Samuel 20-1 Samuel 23

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 04:57:49 +0000

1 Samuel 20-1 Samuel 23

David and Jonathan continue their gay relationship right under Saul’s nose. Meanwhile Saul completely disregards his duties as king in order to chase David around the galaxy trying to kill him for no reason.

1 Samuel 16-1 Samuel 19

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 00:54:34 +0000

1 Samuel 16-1 Samuel 19

Me vs the bible is like David and Goliath. The bible is this Goliath of shit, this monstrous piece of garbage, and I’m like David. Except I really don’t think I could just throw a small stone at the problem and have it die instantly. Alas.

1 Samuel 14-1 Samuel 15

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 04:00:45 +0000

1 Samuel 14-1 Samuel 15

We have a very famous reading which reminds me of the late, great Christopher Hitchens. I miss him. Who cares about this dumb book, Hitchens is gone, which sucks. Anyway, some people are slaughtered, as per usual.

1 Samuel 7-1 Samuel 13

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 01:10:05 +0000

1 Samuel 7-1 Samuel 13

Samuel continues his fake reign as head god communicator person. The Israelites really want a head boring idiot person to run their band of boring idiot people. They call this hypothetical idiot a “king”. This doesn’t sit well with Samuel.

1 Samuel 3-1 Samuel 6

Fri, 11 May 2012 06:51:24 +0000

1 Samuel 3-1 Samuel 6

God works in mysterious ways… No I mean really mysterious ways. Like think of the part of your body that you would like to be MOST mysterious to other people… yeah that part. God seriously violates that part of many people in this episode. Really.

Ruth 3-1 Samuel 2

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:57:48 +0000

Ruth 3-1 Samuel 2

Today we finish the charmingly boring tale of Ruth, then we move on to the charmingly boring tale of Samuel, some other loser priest. Also, fck you, Rob. You’re a total dck. I suppose I should just ignore it but I think I’ll do the opposite. Dck.

Judges 20 – Ruth 2

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 03:30:43 +0000

Judges 20 – Ruth 2

Don’t judge me but I’m pretty sick of this current book. Good thing it’s OVA. However, if you were hoping that Ruth would be the action packed superior sequel to Judges that Speed 2 was to Speed, you will be sorely disappointed…

Judges 17-19

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 06:31:08 +0000

Judges 17-19

Episode 60! This is a weird one. Also, really gruesome and sad. I really can’t wait to get to a part of the bible with more substance though. Pretty much nothing happens nothing happens then POW weird/horrible/gruesome story!

Judges 12-16

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 07:28:14 +0000

Judges 12-16

Samsonite… I was way off. This reading has Samson and Delilah, the epic love story! Except that it’s actually not so epic…. It is really quite hilarious how pathetic the actual story is, as told in the bible. Tune in and find out!

Judges 9-11

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:35:44 +0000

Judges 9-11

Alright it’s already late so this description is going to be brief. Pretty much this one is a tale of unprovoked, ridiculously over the top vows. Fathers, never make them.

Judges 6-8

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 06:54:20 +0000

Judges 6-8

More of the exact same crap that happens every stupid page of this dumb book. Can’t even think of a reason to write any more creative a description than that.

Judges 2-5

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 05:08:10 +0000

Judges 2-5

I’m back again again again for the ninth time. Well Joshua has decided to die again, and the lord is going to teach all those scheming Israelites a lesson by sort of punishing them, then rewarding them the minute they complain, then repeating.

Joshua 22-Judges 1

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 16:00:11 +0000

Joshua 22-Judges 1

Long live Joshua, the one who died so quickly! Dr. Joshua Kavorkian put us out of our misery quite mercifully. Also, we’re starting a new book! So far it reads like a bible but hopefully that will change.

Joshua 19-21

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 15:53:14 +0000

Joshua 19-21

In this short installment, nothing. Well some things but you’ll have to listen to find out. Not that I’m trying to make it suspenseful or something but I truly have already forgotten what happened. Drugs.

Joshua 14-18

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 06:25:03 +0000

Joshua 14-18

Jesus mother of Moses, Joshua has lost it. I seriously wonder if Moses came back from the dead and wrote this part. Joshua went from 60-0 in 2 seconds. Unbelievable. I might lose my audience because god made his bible so bad. Touche, sir.

Joshua 10-13

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 03:44:57 +0000

Joshua 10-13

Well it was a full day of murdering for the Israelites so I certainly hope they ate a good breakfast. Sometimes it’s really hard to maintain the level of killing necessary to please Yahweh without your hacking arm getting a little fatigued. Eat bananas.

Joshua 7-9

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 05:49:36 +0000

Joshua 7-9

Another episode of your favorite goofy, mass murdering Israelites! What will they think of next! Hijinks for this episode include luring an entire army out of a city to burn it down from within, and then murder every man woman and child! OMG, pranked!

Joshua 2-6

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 06:00:07 +0000

Joshua 2-6

I now worship at the alter of Joshua. This book is SUCH a relief so far. You’ll never even believe what happens…. You’ll never guess…. go ahead, try…. nope, wrong. SOMETHING. That’s it. That’s what happened. I know!

Deuteronomy 32-Joshua 1

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 05:16:52 +0000

Deuteronomy 32-Joshua 1

This is it…. the episode we’ve all been waiting for…. FINALLY it’s here… if you don’t know what I’m talking about, I envy you because that means you haven’t been plagued by the wretchedness that is what I’m talking about right now at this very moment

Deuteronomy 29-31

Fri, 27 May 2011 07:26:47 +0000

Deuteronomy 29-31

Well… someday something is going to happen in this here bible and you’ll feel awfully silly for not reading my descriptions anymore. Sadly, today is not that day. Nothing happens. Moses sucks and won’t die ever.

Deuteronomy 25-28

Wed, 25 May 2011 06:19:57 +0000

Deuteronomy 25-28

This is the worst pentatuke I’ve ever read. I can’t wait to move onto another pentatuke… or just anything else. This reading was pretty hilarious though. I’m starting to think maybe Moses made all of this up.

Deuteronomy 20-24

Wed, 18 May 2011 07:08:26 +0000

Deuteronomy 20-24

Alright, I’ve recovered from a major website hack and live to tell the story! And Moses rewards us with maybe the best all around ridiculous bit of bible yet! Listen to this podcast or you’re letting the cyber terrorists win!

Deuteronomy 15-19

Fri, 06 May 2011 07:19:55 +0000

Deuteronomy 15-19

……and….. this book still sucks.

Deuteronomy 11-14

Fri, 06 May 2011 07:18:45 +0000

Deuteronomy 11-14

Screw this. This book is terrible. Freaking terrible.

Deuteronomy 7-10

Tue, 03 May 2011 03:27:47 +0000

Deuteronomy 7-10

And once again…. more repetition once again, repeatedly repeating himself is the repetitive Moses. Again and again he repeats himself like he is stuck on a loop of repeating, over and over, not able to stop the repetition.

Deuteronomy 4-6

Sat, 23 Apr 2011 18:55:14 +0000

Deuteronomy 4-6

Moses…. uh…. talks…. eh, never mind. Nothing to report. Come back later.

Deuteronomy 1-3

Sun, 17 Apr 2011 05:44:18 +0000

Deuteronomy 1-3

Apparently not realizing that he had already written about it 2 times in his ETERNAL book, Moses proceeds to summarize everything the Israelites have done…. again… in his eternal book…. which will be around forever… he repeated himself again…

Numbers 33-36

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 05:26:05 +0000

Numbers 33-36

Moses is still buying time; God details some very specific and curious plans for the land his people haven’t gotten around to stealing yet; women can marry whoever they want, provided who they want is their cousin.

Numbers 30-32

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 06:26:57 +0000

Numbers 30-32

Moses, being told he’s going to die after his people destroy the Midianites, proceeds to wage the slowest war ever conceived; God makes a killing off of killing; Moses is somehow STILL alive after all this, plus 40 years of wandering, much to our dismay.

Numbers 26-29

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 07:30:04 +0000

Numbers 26-29

Moses is in disbelief. You work with a guy 40 plus years and he stabs you in the back first chance he gets. I mean Moses went to god’s Christmas party every single year. Brought wine. Never came empty handed. And now this. You think you know a guy.

Numbers 22-25

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 19:39:30 +0000

Numbers 22-25

Well Bofur and Bifur have a little argument about whether or not they should kill the Israelites. God talks to one of them saying they shouldn’t, but somehow this can’t be communicated to the other. This is the entire reading in a nutshell. That’s it.

Numbers 18-21

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:20:59 +0000

Numbers 18-21

God is SO unfair!! He gives Moses this big hard job of being in charge of everyone and getting to eat all their food and have all their money! But think about the responsibility he has to have! Not worth it at ALL! Poor guy!

Numbers 14-17

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 07:43:07 +0000

Well I’m back but the more important question is where were you? I was here. Waiting for you to tell me to do a podcast. Well somehow those Jews still don’t believe in Moses’s god after all the miracles and murders he has performed for them… Numbers 14-17

Numbers 10-13

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 07:37:52 +0000

Numbers 10-13

God gives Moses and the Jews a few trumpets to sound whenever they are in trouble which will save them (how has that been working?); god lights a few troublemakers on fire because why not; Moses was a special needs child; BONUS! More names! YES!

Numbers 7-9

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 06:19:42 +0000

Numbers 7-9

Today’s reading was very repetitive. First I read chapter 7, and it was repetitive. Then I read chapter 8, and it was repetitive. Then I read chapter 9, and it was repetitive. I read chapters 7,8, and 9, and they were very repetitive. Repetitive.

Numbers 4-6

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 07:51:07 +0000

Numbers 4-6

God still seems interested in talking to Moses even though Moses brings nothing to the conversation; Moses and Co. face a devastating badger shortage; also “devastating badger shortage” is redundant.

Numbers 1-3

Tue, 09 Nov 2010 06:44:46 +0000

Numbers 1-3

And once again… I’M BACK! God is back to his incredibly dull and repetitive ways as we start a very mysteriously named book. As page after page of infallible scripture goes by, we are left with one soul wrenching question about it, which is WHO CARES!

Leviticus 26-27

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 06:47:19 +0000

Leviticus 26-27

God rattles off punishment after punishment to expect if the chosen people decide to unchoose themselves. Meanwhile a wearied Moses wonders why he still bothers to listen to the old cook. He could have been somebody….

Leviticus 22-25

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 07:09:04 +0000

Leviticus 22-25

This bible is so boring, even the person writing it down starting looking for other things to write about. Also if murdering kids is wrong, then the bible certainly doesn’t want to be right. And can you blame it?

Leviticus 18-21

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 04:14:42 +0000

Leviticus 18-21

Hey Moses, it’s God. You got a minute? Yeah I just thought of a bunch more crap you can’t do. Grab a pen. The bible makes the incredibly profound moral declaration that we cannot have sex with any of our relatives. I’m so glad he told us that.

Leviticus 15-17

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 04:07:22 +0000

Leviticus 15-17

Women: have you ever wondered what that liquid evil that comes out of your secret place is? Well, we men of the biblical era don’t know and don’t want to know. Just please don’t sit on any of the good chairs! This and more wisdom in today’s reading!

Leviticus 12-14

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 05:21:31 +0000

Leviticus 12-14

I’m BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!@$!%)#~!1`471289! This was fun. Let’s do it again next week. Oh a summary, you ask? Well not really anything happened. There was a bit about how disgusting women are after they give birth, and then a lot about leprosy. A LOT…

Leviticus 8-11

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 07:10:56 +0000

Leviticus 8-11

If I had a dime for every time the bible repeated itself I would be one rich dude. God shamelessly murders two of his followers for nothing; I really can’t get a handle for why god sometimes just leaves crap alone, but other times he shoots to kill…

Leviticus 4-7

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 07:01:02 +0000

Leviticus 4-7

This podcast ruled. It was so good you won’t even understand what just happened to you. Oh also nothing happened in the readings. It just went over a million different reasons to sacrifice cows. Stupid. But anyway, I was awesome.

Leviticus 1-3

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 07:01:59 +0000

Leviticus 1-3

Starting Leviticus! Yay! It’s out of the gates fast with the great home recipes for your very own animal sacrifice! These high fat, high cholesterol sacrificial recipes will please even your most angry god, and of course the priests take their cut…

Exodus 36-40

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 07:01:46 +0000

Exodus 36-40

I can’t even tell you what happens in this podcast. No really. It’s too painful. Just imagine the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a podcast. Yeah, that’s what happened in this one. I want to punch Moses in the face harder than possible

Exodus 33-35

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 07:01:35 +0000

Exodus 33-35

So god is super pissed at his chosen people for being so worthless, but they are in luck because they have Moses, who has the virtue of being completely ordinary. Persuaded by Moses’ mundaneness, god is appeased and accepts them back into his life.

Exodus 29-32

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 07:01:12 +0000

Exodus 29-32

Last podcast was the worst podcast ever created, but this podcast is the GREATEST one ever created. It’s so good that it is proof of god. Because how could there be a good podcast without a god? Anyway, we get to the golden calf. HILARIOUS!

Exodus 26-28

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 07:01:40 +0000

Exodus 26-28

This is the worst podcast anyone has ever made. I really, strongly, emphatically ask you not to listen to it. I have never read something as stupid and boring and everything as this reading. I am dumbfounded by it. Please don’t listen, I beg you.

Exodus 21-25

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 07:01:37 +0000

Exodus 21-25

Lots more of the pointless Law; I mean lots more; no really, a crapload more; god spells out to PRECISE detail how he needs his ark of the covenant to be made, and I wonder why he didn’t take some care to protect and maintain it then…

Exodus 17-20

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 07:01:19 +0000

Exodus 17-20

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!; but first a bunch of weird crap with Moses and the Israelites. Remind me again why they are the chosen people? There is NOTHING special about them, in fact they are kind of irritating, and more than a little gassy.

Exodus 13-16

Mon, 31 May 2010 07:01:48 +0000

Exodus 13-16

More episodes in the ridiculous saga that is the fake exodus: even though every one is dead in Egypt, the Pharaoh somehow gets an army to do after the Israelites; said army is mounted on horses that were also killed in previous chapters; and more recap.

Exodus 9-12

Fri, 28 May 2010 07:01:36 +0000

Exodus 9-12

God continues the pointless torture of an entire people. I can’t wait to move on from this bit, it really was agonizing. So repetitive and obviously fake.

Exodus 5-8

Thu, 27 May 2010 07:01:07 +0000

Exodus 5-8

In this episode, God inflicts torture on an entire people in order to prove to them that he is God. A slightly better alternative would have been some sort of mass harmless miracle witnessed by everyone. Did God just not have the time?

Exodus 1-4

Wed, 26 May 2010 07:01:57 +0000

Exodus 1-4

Exodus is as hilarious as the end of Genesis wasn’t! There’s a new sheriff in Egypt and he doesn’t take kindly to Hebrews; we are introduced to the SO impressive burning bush; God nearly murders Moses’ son before his mom performs some ridiculous heroics.

Genesis 47-50

Tue, 25 May 2010 07:01:45 +0000

Genesis 47-50

The good news: we are finishing Genesis! The bad news: it’s every bit as boring as it has been. So Joseph is pretty much king of Egypt for no reason, and later Evita/Jacob/Israel dies and all of Egypt mourns him! Right.

Genesis 43-46

Mon, 24 May 2010 07:01:56 +0000

Genesis 43-46

Joseph continues a pointless charade; meanwhile his brother Simeon has been held captive this whole time and no one seems to care; finally, we get a stirring and riveting recap of all of Jacob’s children, just like we all wanted.

Genesis 39-42

Fri, 21 May 2010 07:42:50 +0000

Genesis 39-42

If you missed the part where god spelled out his commandments, you aren’t the only one; Joseph continues to prove his dim-wittedness; everyone displays an uncanny ability to tell meaningful dreams from the weird meaningless ones.

Genesis 35-38

Thu, 20 May 2010 07:01:59 +0000

Genesis 35-38

Starts off pretty uneventful; more recounting of generations which couldn’t be more pointless or boring. It picks up later though as Joseph and his colored coat first appear. Joseph proves to be a real idiot. Judah proves to be an immoral douche.

Genesis 32-34

Wed, 19 May 2010 07:01:40 +0000

Genesis 32-34 When he’s not pointlessly naming things left and right, Jacob is busy getting busy with rent boys. Just goes to show the many ways in which the bible inspires Republican congressmen. Then things become much less funny. Really. The bible is horrible.

Genesis 28-31

Tue, 18 May 2010 07:01:40 +0000

Genesis 28-31

If you see Canaan, tell him that yes we are still mad at him for all that nothing he did; follow your dreams was meant literally back then; Jacob is living a bad porn from the 70’s…. or is it a really great one…

Genesis 25-27

Mon, 17 May 2010 07:01:33 +0000

Genesis 25-27

Sarah is dead and Abraham waits nearly 16 minutes to remarry; the venison obsessed Isaac gets himself kicked out of every town from here to Beersheba for just plain being too awesome. Don’t ask him to tell own sons apart, though.

Genesis 21-24

Fri, 14 May 2010 07:01:04 +0000

Genesis 21-24

Abraham is a murderous psychopath; God is a forgetful moron whose hobbies include asking questions he already knows the answer to, and putting people through bizarre tests of faith he already knows the results of.

Genesis 17-20

Thu, 13 May 2010 07:01:43 +0000

Genesis 17-20

Genesis gets raunchy… you won’t even believe the kind of crap that happens in this episode. Warning, the subject matter gets a little gruesome. Ok you are warned.

Genesis 11-16

Wed, 12 May 2010 07:01:04 +0000

Genesis 11-16

The bible takes a turn for the boring, but is revived by some good old fashioned polygamy. Also, I misspoke and said validify instead of validate…. I’m still feeling embarrassed.

Genesis 6-10

Tue, 11 May 2010 07:01:35 +0000

Genesis 6-10

In part 2 of indeterminable, God is on his period and decides to kill everything ever, meanwhile Noah gains favor with the lord for being completely average.

Genesis 1-5

Mon, 10 May 2010 15:42:10 +0000

Genesis 1-5

Episode 1 of Thomas and the Bible. Things get a little heated in the garden of Eden. Adam and Eve can’t find a damn thing to do. Meanwhile, God is worried that the Holy Ghost is not the woman he thought she was.

Introductory Podcast

Mon, 10 May 2010 05:06:45 +0000

An Introduction

In this introductory podcast I talk about the purpose, my goals, my background, and some things we need to keep in mind going forward.