thought sight and sound

Skydog

2011-12-22T14:23:00.002-05:00

Just read 'Skydog- The Duane Allman story' Very well written and informative.
Here's one of my favorite deeper cuts; written earlier on...

Just floating away

2011-12-16T15:09:00.001-05:00

I've tried. I really have. Broken I must be. I'm not so sure there's a reason for everything. Shit just happens. Some people just navigate it better.

I am entirely too fucking sensitive and wear my defective heart on my sleeve. I can't tell where I stand with anybody. I want you all happy, but I realize I fail miserably on all fronts, which pains me to no end. I relentlessly berate myself for my numerous shortcomings.The proverbial valve is broken, much like myself, and the self criticism runs like a river. There is a well of infinite sadness that I seem to be tapped into and it's paralyzing. So if I've angered or disappointed you in any way; don't worry I am paying for it. I may smile and be mildly humorous in social settings. I may seem like,"Oh he's got it together." I may, on occasion, even type out something slightly thought provoking or witty, but don't fool yourself; it's all a song and dance to divert attention away from my massive dysfunction.

Dreams I never knew are laying around like apples under a tree just fucking rotting away. The shine is wearing off, as is their ability to plant roots. My vine of connections is stretching out into thin tendrils. So much so that they aren't really connections anymore but wisps of smoke where something used to be. Visions of everyone else interconnected below, becoming one giant glowing web around this spinning sphere. I'm just floating away like an astronaut whose tether has been severed. Wonderin' how far out is too far gone?

a thought

2011-11-24T12:11:00.001-05:00

I hope the spirit of thangsgiving and all the compassion it entails can find its way to all of our hearts everyday. Despite our differences, we are all neighbors on this spinning globe; and everyone is is someone's family or friend with hopes, dreams and desires. None of us are stereotypes, and we've all had our own path to where we are now. We've all made mistakes, and have hoped for compassion, ...deserved or not. Extend that compassion, and let go of resentments. We all don't have to agree, but we can live peaceably with one another. If we open our ears and hearts a little wider maybe...just maybe we can find common ground to start to build a foundation that we can be proud to pass along to future generations. I know we can do better, and it starts with every single one of us. Embrace love and compassion.

Song Review: 'Peaceful Valley'

2011-11-20T12:54:00.001-05:00

Here we taking a look at a beautiful Ryan Adams tune 'Peaceful Valley'. This one speaks to me and I relate to the words a great deal. The band is in great form as per usual. It starts off with a nice repeating guitar line with some nice counterpoint by the second guitar, add some lapsteel sprinkled in and then Ryan starts...

Lord take me home
To the peaceful valley

a wonderful start lyrically for me being the anxiety ridden fool that I am. I relate, but then he goes on...

Down the winding river
To your city your soul
I've grown so tired
And my hearts grown heavy
To walk any longer
To your cities of gold

I superimpose this on my own journey and growing pains I am experiencing and the lack of motivation that strikes from time to time. You can hear the religious overtones in the words used, which connect with my strained faith.
Now we get to the heavy lines for me...

All my life I've loved for forgiveness
But I can never seem to get enough

I, too, never quite feel forgiveness from myself or from others. There's no relief. I keep punishing myself long past when it makes any sense to do so. I long to let things go but can't let myself off the hook...

All my life I've been rocked into the darkness
With a gun to my head

I want to be well adjusted or whatever; but I'm compelled to think negatively of myself while staring the pain down trying not to self medicate....

Trying to find a peaceful song
Trying to find a peaceful song

I want a peaceful song playing in my heart...

To sing when everything goes wrong
Till the peaceful valley calls me home
Up there in the clouds
In that glorious kingdom

Oh! How I long for peace of mind...

Tell me there ain't nothing but an easy recline
Can I still smoke my cigarettes and have my coffee
Up there in heaven with a bottle of wine

Can I relax and just be myself ...

Cause all my life, I've longed for forgiveness
But I can never seem to get enough
All my life I've been rushed into the darkness
With a gun to my head
Trying to find a peaceful song
Trying to find a peaceful song
To sing when everything goes wrong
Till the peaceful valley calls me home
Oh take me home to the peaceful valley
Down the winding river
To the city of gold

When these days of toil are over I hope to go home too.
I struggle with sadness and turmoil, and peace of mind is all I seek.

Here's a spectacular version live at Murat Theatre on 2007-10-24

Download show here

You can find the album this is on HERE

Nutshell

2011-10-14T16:26:00.000-04:00

I just want to disappear...To be gone. Far away. So tired of fighting the good fight. I like the highs and excitement that life brings and the lows...well... They make you acutely aware you're alive in their own consuming way; but this stuck in a ditch flat line, where things are neither positive or negative, are what kill me the most. The treadmill aspect of this strange existence. Weeks stacked on weeks where time flows slow and fast all at the same time. My self inflicted financial handcuffs are chaffing and claustrophobic, both physically and emotionally. Restlessness and frustration are the key words at this moment of time. There are tough decisions to be made. I don't want this existence and I know I have the power to change it and yet I struggle still. I got to tell you, this runner on the trail of life has dead legs and has lost his way.

We chase misprinted lies, we face the path of time
And yet I fight and yet I fight this battle all alone
No one to cry to, no place to call home

a peek

2011-09-28T08:16:00.000-04:00

a few random clips strung together over a track recorded a while ago. Learning new software is the cause.

thinking

2011-09-04T12:46:00.000-04:00

The hours spent in a vehicle in the last month have been many, which has afforded me too much time to think, if there is such a thing. As the mile markers peeled by, my mind wandered both productively, and not so productively over my current spot in life. I've fussed things up good. I mean financial handcuffs. Of all the things I'm good at, I manage money terribly. I have a sneaking suspicion that I've subconsciously chose this game plan because it deep sixes worrying about dreams (something I don't have a lot of). Worrying is useless, and I know it, but the anxiety is my little friend with me ready to get in my ear the minute I'm alone. Around people I get poked out of my bubble, but alone I get swallowed in thought both positive and negative, maybe that's why I compulsively read everything, to feed my hyperactive brain and pull its attention away from eating itself. It spools up like a jet engine when it latches on to thoughts and information it likes. Some of what it likes is being a broken record that keeps on skipping on the same useless thoughts and feelings of guilt for no crimes committed. Plagued to punish myself for sins long since forgotten, and not mine to begin with...

Honey I ain’t nothing new

2011-09-03T11:56:00.002-04:00

Thank you Mr. Adams for your ability to convey my feelings, making me feel little less alien in this world.

Oh baby why do I miss you like I do Oh I miss my sweet And the birds all singing blue And white And white Call me on your way back home, dear Cause I miss you Honey I ain’t nothing new Oh baby why did I treat you like I did Honey I was just a kid Bubblegum on my shoe But you love me and I love you Call me on your way back home, dear Cause I miss you And I just wanna die without you Oh I just wanna die without you Yeah I just wanna die without you Without you Honey I ain’t nothing new

2011-08-30T23:59:00.000-04:00

so... Dear Universe

2011-08-18T08:47:00.001-04:00

Paulo Coelho says, 'And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.' I certainly hope he is correct with this idea. There is a special someone who I conspire to have my life intersect with again. To say I love her dearly is an understatement. My thoughts drift to her every moment they can. Understand this wasn't supposed to happen, as she was just passing through, but regardless here I am a year later wishing I was with her. She's funny, smart, and beautiful with enough mystery to keep me on my toes. The sun shines brighter, blankets seem softer, and problems seem smaller when I'm with her. The issues are geography and my poor money managing skills, but more the latter. I would move to where she is, but I got myself twisted up with the IRS for a chunk of change that has grounded me to where I am. Money isn't flowing in this town since the downturn, and I've taken a massive hit on my income. Words don't exist for my frustration. For once in my forty odd years I found someone who fits, and past choices are keeping me from being with her.

So dear Universe please topple whatever cosmic dominoes you need to so I can find my way back to her. It is all I humbly ask for in this life. I am doing all I can on my end; but at least... more than anything... bless her life with all the love, happiness, and understanding she needs. Keep her safe.

"How come you're so ugly?"

2011-07-24T22:36:00.004-04:00

"My life has hardly been pretty — the hospitals, the jails, the jobs, the women, the drinking. some of my critics claim that I have deliberately inflicted myself with pain. I wish that some of my critics had been along with me for the journey. it’s true that I haven't always chosen easy situations but that's a hell of a long ways from saying that I leaped into the oven and locked the door. hangover, the electric needle, bad booze, bad women, madness in small rooms, starvation in the land of plenty, god knows how I got so ugly, I guess it just comes from being slugged and slugged again and again, and not going down, still trying to think, to feel, still trying to put the butterfly back together again…it’s written a map on my face that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall.

sometimes I’ll see myself somewhere…suddenly…say in a large mirror in a supermarket…eyes like little mean bugs…face scarred, twisted, yes, I look insane, demented, what a mess…spilled vomit of skin…yet, when I see the “handsome” men I think, my god my god, I’m glad I’m not them"
— Charles Bukowski
Sunlight Here I Am: Interviews and Encounters, 1963-1993

I relate to this whole statement on so many levels..."still trying to put the butterfly back together again..."

ps. Fuck the critics

Some days are spectacular ...

2011-06-28T18:28:00.000-04:00

2011-06-27T14:41:00.002-04:00

Never Alone

Do not touch
what's not yours
Now you know the difference
don't you

You open your mouth
a pigeon come right out
fly away
turn around
and taunt you

Give me a kiss, no give me hug
Put on my new black jacket
A pair of boots
I got a bedroom wish
Take a picture, carry it with you

You go east, and I'll go west
I'll meet you somewhere in the middle

I'll dream of your skin
and I love you the best

When I can't get to you
I blow you a kiss, no make it a wish
Anything you need will come to you
A pair of wings to keep you warm
Anything you long for

Stop acting like it's all gonna end
These are your friends, again and again
Plane's not leaving, the train's not in
When they come around
you can feel it all then

Hand to hand, glass to glass
Here's to the future and to the past
Find me house on a mountain somewhere
You can all come, and stay with me there

You go your way, and I'll go mine
I hope I see you out there sometime
There you go again, thinking it's gonna end
Can't you just begin something

And I'll blow you a kiss, no make it a wish
that anything you need will come to you
A pair of wings, you can fly high
Anything you long for

You're not alone
You're never alone
No, we're not alone

"...some of us don't bounce...we stay down for a while"

2011-06-25T07:50:00.003-04:00

I used to bounce.
"Sick of my shadow..want to shed my skin
Sick of my shadow..and the shape I'm in
Sick of myself and everything I do
Sick of my shadow since I lost you..."
Ain't that the truth
The "you" at the end of the chorus has more than one connotation for me.
It could be a special someone, myself, confidence, etc...
Some songs come along and say everything your feeling

Confessions from a Self Saboteur

2011-06-24T07:20:00.001-04:00

We are a product of our choices and how we view ourselves, sure there is a certain amount of chance, but by and large it is the choices we make, that being said; obviously some part of me likes tripping myself up because I am in a giant hole of my own creation. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, and philosophically; I've covered all the bases. My hope is that pulling these thoughts and struggles into the light will somehow dissolve and neutralize their power, but it may just make me seem more out there than I already appear, or reveal me to be a walking contradiction. My burdens aren't comparable to any others, for better or worse, but they are mine to carry and all I can really relate to.

At the heart of it all lies an underlying feeling of being unworthy of happiness, love, or success. I'm not too sure how that came to be, but this has been my reality since I was a child. I'm afraid of having any dreams. So even as tortured as I am by the repercussions of my choices, part of me wants this to be. I deserve it. How fucked up is that? On one hand, I'm consciously making better health choices concerning diet and exercise; and on the other there are days that laying down for the big dirt nap sounds absolutely appealing. Now don't worry I'll be grinding it out for some time to come. I'm too curious as to what comes next for me, as well as things in general. Despite all of this, I do want to be happy and well adjusted. Oh well... At the very least maybe these words will give you a chuckle and make you feel better about yourself. Actually, the least would be scaring everybody off because as John Lennon said, "Nobody loves you when your down and out." And I don't blame them or you.

quick sand

2011-06-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

I enjoy sticking my head into the sand thinking I'll be safer. I'm not sure why I roll with this failed policy for situations that do not have clear solutions, or where emotion is involved. As smart as I think I am sometimes; the truth is I'm really not that bright, as some of you know. Especially given my current all round status. My belief is maybe I was wired for some other world. I'm out of sorts with this one and slowly slipping into a potentially solitary existence, despite the fact that I enjoy people and picking their brains. The rationale being it is hard to disappoint anyone if you are alone... I guess.

It is quite obvious this behavior is the culprit for most, if not all of my past and current woes. Mix in a healthy dose of having a shabby self image with serious internal criticism and you have a recipe for self defeating and paralyzing frustration. I am punishing myself for reasons I have long forgotten by this point in the story. The successful self saboteur isn't what I set out to be, but it sure is what I've become...A blue collar dunce who keeps tripping himself up with his camel impression. The sand can swallow you up if you let it, which truthfully at times doesn't sound all that bad. I'm tired of frustrating myself and those around me with wasted potential that I just keep pissing down the drain. Believe me when I say that I am trying to rectify this problem, but old habits die hard.

Don't count me out just yet, but it is understood if you do.

Sometimes you are just blue

2011-03-24T19:00:00.001-04:00

Bittersweet

2010-11-11T19:38:00.001-05:00

Joel Gordon-Made in America

2010-10-26T20:33:00.000-04:00

This is a teaser trailer for a documentary about Joel Gordon.... a one of a kind American original.
The story of one man's triumph and perseverance that takes him from a small town to his dreams.
Always keeping with his philosophy,

"...take a hobby and learn how to eat on it.... and then you'll be happy..."

Sage words indeed.

a film produced by Jacob Bruckner and Rich Sibert

new Obsessions

2010-09-03T12:53:00.000-04:00

New Wheels

2010-07-15T08:53:00.000-04:00

1980 trek frame and fork (reynolds)

1974 honda cb 550-four

2010-06-30T19:59:00.000-04:00

in the wind

2010-06-25T07:33:00.000-04:00

My new ride

2010-06-16T19:30:00.000-04:00

My Girl Althea

2010-06-08T07:40:00.000-04:00