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Restless Soul Syndrome

2014-05-17T12:06:00.001+02:00

Restless Soul Syndrome - R.S.S. Ever heard of it? I hadn't until recently. I knew I was a restless soul but I had no idea that there actually was a syndrome about it. It makes sense though, and also makes me feel a wee bit better about myself. Coz in this way, being a restless soul isn't some kind of dreamy state anymore, something for people that lacks responsibility or are careless. It's just the way some people are.
I also read somewhere that having RSS is kinda similar to having AD/HD, but I wouldn't stretch it that far.

Sometimes I can't help but to envy people who are content with what they have in life. Have a steady job, a steady home with a loved one and that's it. Some people are actually happy living that way and I envy their happiness. Some people does not feel the need to follow the horizon, to go see what's beyond the next hill. Some people are happy drinking the same beers every weekend, with the same friends in the same surroundings. Ofc some people like to think that they're happy, but in reality they are not.

Why do I envy that feeling of contentness? A restless soul should be the happiest of souls, right? I mean, we're always on the hunt for the next adventure, we really do chase after our dreams like there's no tomorrow. And once we've got our current goals in place, there's no stopping us from achieving them. But here lies the problem. There are always new goals to achieve, more roads to travel, more things to do, more places to discover. It never ends. We never reach a certain level and become satisfied with what we have. Once you go restless, there's no turning back.

Sure, I am happy with my hunger, my thirst for something more, for adventure and the thrill of going from place to place. But once you stop at some place for too long, you become depressed. Stagnated and bored. Deep inside I search for a place to settle down, for a place I could call my own, for people which I could call my tribe. But will it be possible? Will I ever be able to settle down somewhere, grow roots and be happy about it? I would love to. Some day.

A restless soul is a person that cannot find rest wherever they end up. A restless soul never fells at ease with their surroundings, or with the people they surround themselves with. Coz there's always something wrong. There's always something better. And a restless soul can't help themselves from go looking for it. The drive to move onwards is constant and ever-present. A restless soul is constantly searching for a meaning to live, a meaning for their existence, a meaning for everything. A restless soul knows, deep inside, that there's something more, that life can be better, happier and more adventurous. A restless soul knows that the life we've been thaught to live is wrong and spend the rest of their lives trying to fix it.

Giddy up!

Ramblings of a lost soul

2014-04-30T11:41:00.004+02:00

Ever had the feeling that you have no fucking clue of what you're doing? I have. Most of the time.
I remember when I started this blog a couple of years ago I thought that I had a clear vison of what I wanted to do with my life. Or did I? I was going to break away from my inner and outer demons and find this magical place that would change my life forever and turn me into a golden fairy. Or something similar.
That's how desperate I was.

And now, nearly four years later, after having travelled through nearly thirty countries by bus, train and thumb I still haven't found what I thought I was looking for. What i'm really looking for is inner peace. What I have learned in these past years of endless rambling is that inner peace can never be found in some magical place, coz there is no bloody magical place out there. The magical place lies within you, within me, within us. That's what i've learned so far. And in some parts it was a rough learning. Am I happy with this profound knowledge? No, not really, i'm still fucking lost and confused. And I probably will be for a long time.

Most people walk through life trying to achieve unattainable goals, as if when they reach that one particular goal, everything will be sunshine and fuzzy rainbows. That's not going to happen, not for the most of us. There are many lost souls out there and have been for as long as mankind has existed, and there always will be.
Some people have clear missions, grand ideas, a clear picture of what they want to do and I envy them. Some of them actually do succeed and for them i'm happy, I really am. No bloody swedish jealousy on my part. What if my mission is to keep on searching? Well, I don't really have anything better to do so that's what i'll keep on doing. A restless soul is a restless soul.

I've said many times throughout this blog that life takes interesting turns. A lot. Nearly two weeks ago my girlfriend cheated on me with a 57 year old guy in a small hippie-village where I lived for about a year. It happened two days before we were supposed to meet in her hometown and spend easter together. I never liked it there in that village, didn't fit into the "ever-happy-forever-middle/upper-class"-mentality that exists up there. I had a personal hell living in that village and what my girlfriend, now ex, did was indeed a fitting end to what I've felt all along. The best part is that she told me what she had done through Facebook. Atleast I had enough backbone to call her and dump her. Even though i'm pissed off and sad, it feels like a fitting end to a chapter in my life that can only be seen as a vicious lesson. Yes, I do see it as a lesson. Why? Well, when I came to that village to go a course on organic farming for eleven months I thought that it would change my life. That i'd finally become happy and whole. But what I didn't realise, until too late, is that people can't get along. Some people can. But certainly not everyone. I will never forget how much energy I spent in trying to get along with those people up there, I will never forget how much shit I shoved up my own ass, how much pride I swallowed, just coz I had this fucked up idea that "everyone can get along as long as we all understand each other". That might work in a third world country where nothing is all you have. But not in a first world country where most of us are bred up to be egoistic, selfish status-junkies. Besides, some people are more uncomfortable than others and i'm one of them.

One interesting aspect about the whole thing is that the more "real" or "rough" your life have been, the more uncomfortable you are or become by the people around you. Why? Well, most people can't fucking understand you. You represent something that scares the living shit out of most people. A broken lifestory. A constant reminder that life can be a living hell. And some people can't handle that.

So what do we have, we the lost souls that keep twisting our hearts in search for something we cannot name?
The more I think of it, the more I come to the realisation that the only thing left is the journey itself and that the final goal of all is death. Not in a suicidal way. I mean that when I lie on my death's bed, hopefully surrounded by a bunch of grandkids, I want the privilege to say that I had a rough, bumpy journey, but it was worth it all the way. Know what I mean?

So what's up for me now? Well. I live in the Black Pearl since two months back, residing in the woods outside of Gothenburg, working two to three nights a week, writing stories and making money so that I in about two months can hit the road again. Oh, I never managed to get anyone to donate money so I could change the engine and that's perfectly all right. It doesn't matter, atleast I tried, haha. Well, some guy did donate five euros. I'm also trying to cope with loneliness. Not that I am particularly lonely, it's just that it's a big deal for a lot of people to surround oneself with people all the time and being lonely, or spend time with oneself is more than often seen as a scary thing.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but instead to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, and raising hell proclaiming: WHOA WHAT A RIDE!"

"I have a dream...Save the Black Pearl!"

2014-01-11T09:24:00.001+01:00

I have a dream. And an idea. Not sure if it will work, but i'm gonna try and I need your help for it to work.

Thing is; me and my girlfriend bought ourselvers a van like six months ago. An old camper van from 1980 so it's tax free (atleast in Sweden), it was a bit worn out but we patched it up good. Even bought it a new pair of tyres. We found out that one of the previous owners had named her "The Black Pearl", or "Svarta Pärlan" in swedish. We've kept that name. So far everything was great. I've been dreaming about having a van for years and so have my girlfriend. I even managed to take my driving license after we bought the Pearl. We painted her (yes, we call the van "her") on the inside and made great plans of where to go, what do to.

So one beautiful october morning, about a week after I got my driving license, I decided to take the Pearl out for a ride for about a week, to see what it would be like. I had a great week, met lots of old friends and slept like a baby in the back. We had found a bed-frame, that fit perfectly inside the van, at a freeshop in the village where we currently live.

One thing I discovered during this week was that the Pearl is a heavy drinker. She drinks gasoline like a drunk drinks free beer on judgement day. Seriously, i'm not joking. This insight is a major setback for us.
Gasoline in Europe is insanely expensive at the moment and we're not gonna last long on the road the way the Pearl handles her gasoline today. What we could do though, is to switch out her 34 year old engine for a newer one that drinks less gasoline. Preferrably one that slurps diesel as it is more energy-efficient and thus lasts longer. Now we come to the real issue: money. There is none to be had and it costs a lot of money to switch engine. I'm a student at the moment, gonna study the upcoming six months to become a writer. I do know how to write, I just need to get some more weight and confidence under my belt since I would want to make a living out of it in the future. Plus I get to stay at home since it's a distance course. Anyway, I do not get much cash from this and my girlfriend is unemployed at the moment. It's quite difficult to get a job in Sweden these days. I'm sure you understand where i'm getting at, don't you? Please stay, and hear me out.

We were planning to live in the bus and travel for a very, very long time. Going from place to place, selling stuff we've made so we could get money for gas and go to the next place and so on until we find a place where we could settle down for good. The van is perfect, we've spent a lot of money already to patch her up to her current state.

The Black Pearl chilling in front of the place where we lived during the summer of 2013.

Now we've arrived to what I really want. We need help to raise enough money so we could switch engine. I know most of you will frown upon this, but i'm really desperate. The other option would be to let her go, sell her, but then we'd lose everything we've worked so hard for, our dreams. I need help, feedback on what we could do in exchange for your possible contribution. There are many people out there, travelling for what it's worth, making money through charity and fundraising-sites. Only they've stolen the best ideas. Or have they?

I'm not asking for much. Anything would help. Be it 5 cent or a million dollars/euros it would be great. But i'd be willing do something fun in return. To give something back. Like a challenge: "plant a tree in every tenth city you go through" or home-made bracelets or whatever. Perhaps even come by your house and help with your garden or clean or whatever if it's on the way. Our current plans is to get to Spain in may/june. If you have any great ideas on what we could do, please tell us.

If you would like to help us, it would be amazing. If so, please check out this website: (It's called "Save the Black Pearl") http://www.gofundme.com/black-pearl

Many thanks in advance //
Mattias

Waiting around to love?

2013-02-02T10:14:00.000+01:00

Love.

The word itself makes my mouth water in a way. What is love? And can it truly be defined? Can it be touched? Altered? Controlled?

Desire. Passion. Lust.

Why do I even want to write about love? Because! Love is one of the few things that makes me tick. One of the few things that gives me a reason to live. Out of love comes passion, and out of passion comes life. Passion and love, for me, is the real essence of life, something that can make us move mountains, tear up trees by their roots, cross continents without eating or drinking for days, risk our lives and challenge everything that stands in our way.

That's what love is for me.

Sure, one can talk of love between all creatures, that we're all connected and cuddly-doo, which we ofc are. But loving someone for the sake of loving is like wearing shoes just for the sake of wearing shoes, not that you actually might need to wear shoes at that particular moment. That might've sounded a bit wrong, and easy to misunderstand, what I mean is that, for me, love is so powerful and holy that I reserve it for the most powerful of moments, when passion is truly in the air and the sheer energy from it cannot be controlled or contained. When everything else disappears into a grey blur of nothingness and all that exists is you and the person whom you might be in love with, or the passion you might have for something, as love does not only include coupling between people, but also lust for something to do, somewhere to be, someone to be. Life itself!

I can think of no better feeling as when i'm passionately in love with someone or something, when all else fades away, all your focus is concentrated on that person, or that particular "thing"(not meaning object as in "stuff")/idea you long for or wish to do, or place to be. No rules, no laws, no hinders, no money, no society, no nothing can stand for long in the way of anyone who's truly passionately in love with someone/something. Nothing! If you're truly and deeply in love, nothing else matters and there is always a way. Always! If your heart truly desires what you think you might love, then you will find a way to make it happen, whatever it might be. If not, you will find an excuse not to.

I want you. You want me. Let us become one. It is as simple as that.

You hear me, life?

What do you mean "merry christmas"?

2012-12-06T12:21:00.001+01:00

If there is one public holiday of the year I simply cannot stand, then it is christmas. Or the whole month of december. It brings me down like an asteroid the size of europe.

It's not only that it's a crazed holiday, stolen from pagans, distorted by christians and ruined by capitalism and consumerism. Christmas always reminds me of what I do not have. A family. No matter how happy and high on life I might be, rushing towards this adventure or that or making plans like no other, plans that would make dreams seem pale in comparison. As soon as december comes creeping around the corner, christmas trees and ludicrous images of santa claus starts popping up like sponges and mold in an old house, I feel like throwing up my intestines. Every year it's the same.

I see people buying presents for brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, partners and friends. It's not that I wish to spend all my money on crap and call them presents, it's the fact that I do not have anyone to spend christmas with. No matter how distorted winter solstice(christmas) has become, it is still a holiday where families spend time together, share love and warmth(on most occasions) for each other.
I do not have any family to share my love, my warmth, my joy with. Funny thing is, the other eleven months of the year I don't even give a rat's ass about having a family, but this time of year I do. Hits me like a bulldozer every time.

I get reminded of the fact that i'll never be able to look my mother in the eyes, tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am to her for bringing me into this world. And how sorry I am for all the troubles we had when she was still alive. And I will never be able to reconcile with my father, whom I loathed and hated until the day he died, right before my eyes.

Sure, I do not have to be all alone for christmas. I could always join my so called "friends"("friends" as in that company that always seem to be there for you as long as you keep sucking on the bottle, but disappear as soon as you wish to lead an alcohol-free life) on the pub, where I've spent so many other christmases, drunk, miserable, depressed with no end. But i'm not gonna do that. Not this year, as I didn't do last year. Or the year before that. I'd rather be alone than to go back to that miserable lot.

Whatever. It's just about two and a half weeks to go and then i'll be all sunshine and rainbows and full of life and joy-joy again. Until then, i'll keep lurking in the shadows.

Oh, one more thing, kids, respect your parents since you'll never know when they are taken from you, and respect your friends, no matter which path in life they choose to tread.

The wheel of life.

2012-11-17T11:38:00.001+01:00

So, I made it across the thirty-year-mark.
Nothing special one might think. But ten years ago I didn't believe I'd live this long, mostly due to the life I was living and what was happening to several friends of mine at the time. Suicides and dead end depression with no hope in sight. Five years ago I was on the brink of committing suicide, I couldn't even see a future for myself six months ahead. I hated life and I hated myself.

Of course all that have changed.
My perspective on life has gone through an overhaul of epic proportions.

Today I'm quite happy and I look forward to getting older. Getting older means, for me today, gaining more experience, more adventures, more possibilities and opportunities. I have this dream of me being an old man, sitting next to a fire in the woods somewhere, telling my grandchildren stories of my adventures and mishappenings. That's what i'm living for today. To gain a lifetime of stories, to gain a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom so that when my time is due, I can drift off into the eternal sleep with peace in my heart and a wide smile on my face.

There is so much to do. There is so much to see. There is so much to hear. There is so much to feel. There is so much to experience. Although I'll probably not be able to embrace everything this world has to offer, I'm satisfied to know that I atleast have the insight and belief that one's whole life is a neverending journey, both external and internal.

And no, it does not matter to me anymore that misfortunes occur, or that I sometimes slip into a depression. For these days I'm well aware of the fact that it'll pass, one way or another. It always does. If misfortunes and tragic events didn't happen, one would never be able to know what happiness really is.

It's all part of the wheel of life.

And thus it begins.

2012-10-27T12:20:00.000+02:00

Oh my, oh my. Where should I begin, blog?

Remember in february, when I wrote about feeling like I was being stuck in a sea of tar, just waiting to "pop", for everything to go "swoosh"? Well. The "swoosh" is here. I've finally popped. And i'm racing in three hundred kilometres a minute towards life at the moment.

In the past month I've moved to a new place, to a friends house, got accepted to a school up in northern sweden and recently experienced something truly magical. I don't know how to put my feelings in writing at the moment, but it's something like being hit with a sledgehammer and lightning at the same time, while thunderous rain is pounding my body and the moon is smiling bright and powerful above me although it could not possibly be there due to the heavy rain and while I stand there trying to regain my balance a pickup truck made of rainbows hits me head on and I end up on the back of it as it drives full speed towards the horizon. Yup, something like that.

It's like when things start to go "swoosh", it all goes "swoosh" at the same time. While i'm quite happy about moving to my friends house, I get accepted to a school(the one where I get to live in the woods, grow my own food and stuff) i've been drooling about for quite some time and later I meet something I didn't really think I would meet. Or is it someone? I suppose time will tell and nothing is written in stone so therefore I will not mention any names or any possible outcomes or hopes I might have about this meeting. Only that the experience of that particular meeting has left me somewhat numbstruck. To put it mildly. Something truly beautiful could be in the making here. The only thing I will share with you, blog(I need to get something out of my chest, don't I?), is that this meeting, or she, is definitely within my span of attention. Oh, those eyes, those eyes. I tell you, blog. If I never understood the meaning of mesmerizing before, I sure do now.

What will be, will be.

I'm not complaining here, life is giving me all it's got at the moment and I love it! I really do, this is how life should be and how it can be if we only work for our dreams, follow that gut feeling that tells us to go out of the way for something. That nagging feeling in the back of our heads that whisper in our ears that the grass is indeed greener on the other side of that distant hill.

Yes, what will be, will be.

A letter from the front.

2012-09-17T07:31:00.002+02:00

Hello blog.

How's it hanging?
Everything good on your side of life? Please, tell me something that'll make my day. Make me smile.

What can I tell you, old friend? Sorry for not being so responsive as I sometimes wish I could've been. Life for me is going so-so at the moment. The sun can't shine all the time, right? Atleast I might be heading somewhere, instead of sitting around just for the sake of being in love with someone who isn't really healthy to be in love with in the first place. Well, things aren't really bad either. We can say that i'm recovering, but it's taking it's own jolly little time.

I finally sent those applications to them schools in the forests up north here in Sweden. Hopefully one of them will accept me so I can live in the forest for a year, learning how to grow my own food properly, how to maintain life on a small farm and such. Been around this city for far too long and even though I have some friends around here I just can't stand all the drama, the frenzy for alcohol every weekend, the stress, the fucked up state of mind that this society has brought up. I'm not gonna complain anymore about people or cities in this letter, been doing it quite alot to you, blog, and I feel that you deseve some happiness, some love from me. My old friend. You deserve to know that everything isn't despair and maddened tears of doom.

I'm taking steps towards my own so-called transformation, my big move out of this endless loop of, in my opinion, faulty situations. Or so I like to think anyways. I'm studying gardening and landscaping here in Gothenburg as a part of the journey. And I love it. I love digging in the earth, getting to know plants, flowers, bushes, trees and their names. Or the names that we, puny humans, have given them. I love going to school every day, seeing the faces of my schoolmates, hearing their voices as we make plans and dream of the future, of a different world where everything is more green and there is hope for a change in the world. I love the smell of the somewhat fresh air(which is ofcourse mixed with exhaust fumes and wet concrete) I feel every morning, I love feeling the morning dew clinging like spider web on my skin(Haha, not sure how to explain that feeling really, but you know what I mean). This education means hope to me. It means a possible positive future. It makes me dream. It makes me feel alive again. It gives me purpose and a sense of direction. It gives me the confirmation I crave, that I need, that life is more than the endless grind of drama, broken hearts, alcohol, broken lives and dreams. Proof that one can actually do some good in this world.

Yes, one could say that the sun is starting to come out. Only wish that I could learn not to fall for the wrong women, haha.

Well, blog, I guess this is it for this time. I'll get back to you in a few days or so, when I've found the time between my studies and those moments where I'm mind-gobbling myself to bits about life and how to live it. I really have to get my ass going to school.

Yours sincerely

Mattias
"Maitiú mac Faolchú"

IN MEMORIAM

2012-07-29T09:03:00.001+02:00

Photo taken of "Tent" in the desert outside Swakopmund, Namibia. November 2010.

In loving memory of "Tent".

Purchased in Durban, South Africa, september 2010 - Lost/stolen in Krakow, Poland, july 28th 2012

We ventured far together, my friend. Through twenty countries we marched, we hitchhiked, we rode buses, we rode trains, we slept in forests, we slept in deserts, we slept on plains, we slept close to borders, we slept on mountains, we slept on slopes, we slept in rain, we slept underneath a scorching sun, we sweated, we froze, we spilled blood, we got angry, we cursed the world, we loved, we laughed, we became wet, we waited, we ran, we made friends and we travelled together. We lived together. We were one.

South Africa Namibia
Botswana    Zimbabwe
Zambia    Malawi
Tanzania    Kenya
Sweden    Denmark
Germany    Czech Republic
Austria Italy
Slovenia Croatia
Bosnia    Hungary
Slovakia Poland

Many a time you watched my back, as I watched yours. Many a time you took care of me when noone else would. You were my portable home, my access to the wild, my comfort in the night.

Inside of you the horrors of the night could not reach me. Inside of you there was only me and you. Inside of you it felt like the whole outside world vanished as you took me in your welcoming embrace.

I was always true to you, as you were true to me. Never once did I look upon another tent with desire in my heart, as you never looked upon another traveler with desire in your heart. You never lied to me, as I never lied to you. You treated me with respect, as I treated you with respect. We had no secrets, we shared our time together and life was ours. If you would've been a woman, you would've been the love of my life.

You weren't perfect, inside of you I had to sleep diagonally, since you were a wee bit too small. A manufacturing error I presume. But never once did I complain. You were perfect for me, you suited my needs like a hand in a glove. I loved you like I've loved noone else. Close to the perfect relationship, if such a thing really exists.

"Tent" chilling with dogs. Nkhata bay, Malawi. February, 2011.

You endured my silly jokes in the dark, my ramblings and mumblings as I turned and twisted inside you. I used you hard, I used you rough and never once did you complain. Not even in Slovakia, when I noticed that one of your zippers was starting to let go and some of your seams were starting to fall off. You were starting to fall apart, but still you stood strong, you endured and cared for me.

You were patient, loving, gentle, caring, trusting, brave, adventurous, understanding. You were always there for me when I needed you and you never demanded nothing of me except my love and usage of you.

Whether you were stolen or I, for some magical reason, managed to forget you somewhere, it is apparent that our time together has come to an end. Things happen for a reason and I can only hope, deep inside my heart, that you now take care of someone else who need you as much as I did. Or even more. Or, if you have been dumped in a trashcan somewhere in Krakow or ended up on a pile outside of the city, I can only hope that you rest in peace. May the afterlife treat you well.

You will always have a special place in my heart. Even though I will get a new tent eventually, it will never be the same. You have been number one and will always be number one to me. I will tell my future tent stories about you, how we lived, how we travelled, what we experienced together.

"Tent" camping in Skåne, Sweden. July/August 2011.

You will not be forgotten. I miss you.

I love you, "Tent", always will.

Yours forever

Mattias

PS "Backpack" sends its love.

Oh, the drudgery!

2012-02-24T18:20:00.001+01:00

Sometimes it's hard to swallow the, oh-so-hard, fact that life isn't an adventure all the time. Sure, there are worse problems in the world, but we all have the right to complain every now and then. You know that feeling when you know that you're on your way, you're on the go, but things are going incredibly slow, right before that "pop" that makes it all go "swoosh"? Yup, that's how I feel at the moment. Feels like i'm wading through a huge sea of tar, not in the negative sense, it's just that i'm bored out of my mind and I have no patience what so ever. So why not swing by here and let off some steam? It's been quite a while since I last came here.

So what's new? I'm still searching for my place in the world, that "magical place" where I want to settle down and everything is fluffy and cuddly and happy happy joy joy. I've ended up in Gothenburg again after about three and a half years of exile. Gonna try to hit the road when summer comes around the corner, have managed to find this awesome into-the-wild-kinda course in northern Sweden(starts in august) which i'm gonna apply for. Would be nice to do some good old travellin' before it starts. Until then i'm gonna work and save up some cash just for the sake of having some extra cash on my account. I really need to get away somewhere sometime soon, I haven't travelled properly since I came back from Africa. Sure, i've been drifting between Malmö and Gothenburg but it doesn't really count. I crave the open spaces, the endless road, the deep forests, the high mountains and the way of life that occurs only when you're on the road. I miss it real hard sometimes. But I suppose my lesson until I head out again is to be patient, that it's OK that take it slow sometimes. To relax, to be bored out of your mind, go crazy and paranoid about this insane society we all live in. In a way it's quite healthy to be stuck for a while I suppose, since it gives me even more reasons to go and even more lust for a life outside the "safety net".

I still have that empty hole inside me, and it's not only because of the lack of travelling in my life lately, it's more the feeling of being disconnected with the world. The universe if you like. Sometimes I feel that i'm closing in on that "which-could-make-me-feel-complete", but it keeps evading me. There's always this constant longing for something of which I cannot name, nor place my finger on. I do know that it has something to do with this society, i've written all about it before(numerous times), but I still haven't found the answer. Or the cure. But one day I will.

Or die trying.

Up and up we go.

2011-10-26T13:14:00.002+02:00

There. Finally. I'm climbing upwards again after having had some sort of a mental recession during the summer. The sun can't shine all the time, nor can it rain all the time either. Plans are being made and ideas are taking form once more. Not sure what it was really that made me feel so low for a while, wether it was the experience of coming back to a world where mostly everyone is trying their damdest to pretend to live lives which are fake, but sure as hell looks good from the outside, or perhaps the feeling of letting myself down on my dreams and self-imposed expectations or the realization that I really don't fit anymore. I went to a couple of punk-shows, had a few drunken nights and it wasn't fun. Not one bit. Becoming shitfaced every weekend pretending that i'm doing a difference or are any different from all the other lemmings out there is not my cup of tea. No thanks. Sure, people can do as they please with their own lives, but I do not wish to be dragged down into the bottomless pit of bullshit, negativity and self-deception.
Did some studying, was fun for a while although it generated a wee bit more stress in my life than I actually needed, and since I do not have any dreams of becoming a doctor or a big boss somewhere I simply quit a while ago. To be honest, it was mostly for the free cash and the possibility of more spare time that enticed me, not the possibilty of having better grades on a fancy paper with my name on it. I suppose I fooled myself since I did not get any more spare time, but I did have fun for a bit. I've even quit eating my anti-depressives, I threw them in the dustbin of doom about a month ago. And guess what? I feel fucking great. I do not believe in the fact that dining on pills for the rest of our lives can or could make our lives happier or healthier. Quite the opposite. That crap is designed to make us dependant and addicted to them, same with alcohol and ciggarettes.

What now then? Well. I'm going back to my old job to raise some money so I can head off again. Canada looms in the distance. Of all the solutions and possibilities i've been twisting my mind with, travelling is the one that tickles my heart the most. I've got nothing to gain by sitting idle and waiting for something better to come along, as a lot of people out there do, i'd rather grab it myself while I still have the chance. Hopping on the fun-wagon, the crazy-train bound for nowhere in particular. There's a whole world out there and all the things I wish to learn I can learn out there(or anywhere), for free and with a big smile on my face while screaming my lungs out, lauging like a maniac at life.

Sure, coming back hasn't been all piss and misery, i've met several amazing people whom I wouldn't have met if I hadn't come back and I have ofcourse learned a thing or two as well during my stay. Meeting good-hearted friends is always warming, it's nurturing the soul and it's always nice to know that no matter where you go, or how far it may between your meetings, true friends never really disappear.
I've had my fun(and lowtime) here for a while but now it's time to head out again. I've had my lessons, my impressions, my depression and have made some decisions. We live only once and I cannot for the love of any god understand why I should sit here, dreaming my life away while hearing about other people's broken dreams, when I could be out there myself, especially since I don't have anything that stops me. I've had my fun, my boredom, my false sense of security, my job, my studies for some time and now it's time to drop it all again. Jump off the cliff, because the cliff has been choking me and I really, really want to live.
I do not regret coming back as I believe that everything happens for a reason and a lot of great and fun things has happened to me since I came back and, like I wrote above, i've met several people that I am truly grateful for having met.

To be honest, I never really came back. It's not possible, I think, once you leave. Especially since I realize myself how much I've actually changed since I left for Africa in august last year. But coming "back" has been a lesson I needed to have, experiences, talks and ideas I needed to share.
For that I am happy I came "back".

Not a day goes by

2011-08-25T18:11:00.002+02:00

Not a day goes by
without me gazing towards the horizon
pondering, dreaming and scheming
itchy feet taking one step at a time

Not a day goes by
without me wondering what's out there
restless, anxious and frustrated
weary eyes craving something new

Not a day goes by
without me asking why
curious, adventurous and defiant
lingering doubt growing day by day

Not a day goes by
without me saying my quiet goodbyes
sorrowful, seeking and yearning
an aging soul on a quest for its path

Not a day goes by
without me being astonished by life
grateful, joyous and understanding
lively hands grasping for hope

Not a day goes by
without me seeing through it all
wrathful, vengeful and forgiving
unrelenting spirit fighting for what it's worth

Not a day goes by
without me saying my silent thank you

Not a day goes by
without me realising that life is worth living

Not a day goes by
without me hoping for something better

Not a day goes by
without me realising how lucky I really am

Not a single day...

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." - Grace Hansen

For life.

2011-07-27T18:36:00.003+02:00

It's quite funny how things turn out, isn't it? A year ago I knew exactly what I would do. Now i'm confused, depressed and lost. Again. Not sure what it is really since I should be happy. I mean, I have a home with a good friend of mine, a job and a girlfriend. I've travelled halfway through Africa by myself. I'm gonna start taking driving courses in a few weeks... But still there is something wrong with all this. There is something missing. Always. Can't place my finger on what it is, but there is something missing for sure. I hate this way of life. I reallly, really do. No matter what I do I feel like shit and I feel alone, or more precisely; like an outsider no matter what I do or who I hang out with... I don't want to live like this. I hate feeling like this. I should be happy, I should be content, but i'm not. Not even sure if I ever will be. It's not that I want stuff or an endless flow of money. It's just that it's all wrong. And i'm the one who's putting myself through this. I'm the one who chose to come back again. And in one big way I regret coming back. I regret becoming homesick while travelling Africa. Why? Well, why not? It's all the same here. I don't feel like I belong at all, even less than I did before I left. Nothing's changed. Not one bit. I don't hang out with people anymore. Sometimes I do, but on extremely rare occasions. I feel that I can't connect with people. Most of the time I don't even care. I've closed the door again. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't want to be here. I've even started eating anti-depressives again. And I smoke like a fucking chimney. At the moment there's a war in my head. I actually do know what's wrong though, I know why i'm feeling like this but for some reason I keep fighting it, fearing it when I don't have to because it doesn't really matter. Not one fucking bit. What I need to do is to kick myself in the butt and get going, I need to get out of this mess. I'm the one who put myself here and I can sure as hell get myself out of it as well. I've fallen into this false-sense-of-security trap. Bad. I managed to quit my job a few days ago, got two weeks left to work then i'm unemployed again. My big plan behind working was to raise money so I could go travel the US and Canada which would take me until march/april to raise enough cash. But one morning I woke up and had a "revelation" of sorts; I can't do it. I can't work. I just can't. I became more and more depressed when I started working, because it is the opposite of what I really want. I've been doing a lot of those things lately. Done a lot of things I don't really want to do, fallen back into old patterns. I'm doing the exact same things I was trying to leave about a year ago. I've quit drinking again though, that's always a start, even if it has left me even more lonely(as fucking usual when going sober). And instead of working i'm going back to school. My "revelation" consisted of the insight that no matter how much I travel, if and when I come back again, I'll always gonna have to start at square one again. Going through the whole process agin and again and again without really have gone anywhere. Not internally atleast. And since I got accepted into the school I was applying for I thought "why the hell not!? It sure beats working". It's nothing special really, only gonna read up on some grades like swedish, history, philosophy, medicine and such just to have something different to do. Going to the same warehouse, doing the same job over and over again for five days a week isn't happening for me. I can't do it mentally. Before I went to Africa I more or less promised myself that I wouldn't set foot inside a warehouse again. Well, I broke that promise and now I'm paying the price for it, mentally. I'll prolly just go to school here in Malmö until like december and next year i'll hopefully get accepted to a school in Värmland, close to the norwegian border where I can learn how to live outdoors and on a farm, how to grow my own vegetables and build my own house. I need to learn something new. I need to get it on paper as well so I can work with something different for once. But until then hopefully i'll manage to get a driving licence so I can get the fuck away and start living anew again. Every misfortune or bad turn brings a lesson, and this lesson is the lesson of life, I know this one well enough. I know exactly what to do. Just need to kick my fear of being alone in the face. I'm taking a chance here again, but i'm doing it not only because I have to, but also because I want to. I want to live, I want to appreciate every moment I breathe. I know how, it's just that it's a long and lonely road to take. But it'll be worth it in the end.

For life.

A friend once told me that I shouldn't live in cities, that it's bad for me.

I totally agree.

Thoughts, introspection and recollections.

2011-04-20T09:51:00.008+02:00

This is the third time i'm trying to write something down in here, it's been quite a while since I updated this blog.

Well, i'm back from Africa. Came back at the end of february and I don't really know what to think of it to be honest. In some ways it feels great and in other ways it just feels...weird.
Maybe it is because here in Sweden i'm confronted with everyday life in a different way compared to how I was living in Africa. Or maybe it's the mentality here in Europe that bothers me, where people stab eachother in the back more often than I change my socks. At first it was the cold weather, it was terrible. But now as spring approaches and the sun is coming forth it's not so bad anymore.
But yes I managed to travel through southern Africa, working on farms for food and accommodation, hitchhiking, taking buses and trains. South Africa, Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Malawi, Tanzania and Kenya. Nearly seven months on that crazy, beautiful continent. I laughed, I got mad, I experienced and I lived. Yes, things didn't really turn out as I had hoped for, but everything happens for a reason. I got homesick after a few months and decided to do something about it and flew back to Sweden from Kenya. Do I regret it? In some ways yes, in some ways no. What I miss the most is the warmth, not only the weather but also the warmth of the people in Africa. Things work differently in Africa that cannot be explained to people here in Europe that hasn't experienced it themselves. You can't put it in words, but it IS a completeley different world and a different way of thinking. A more natural and down-to-earth way of thinking, which is based on "the now". Everything works but in the same time it doesn't. It's a charm which cannot be found here in western civilization. One thing that i've brought with me from Africa is the fact that I simply can't take people here in Europe seriously anymore. We all have our problems, but many problems are quite small and ridicilous compared to the problems people face in Africa every single day. I mean, when you see people(and yes folks, even kids) living in mud huts, with barely any clothes on their back, no electricity and they're still happy it makes you think. Quite a bit. Sure, people shouted "give me money" almost everytime they saw this particular mzungu(white person) and sometimes it was heartbreaking(especially when small kids came up to you and the only thing they could say in english was that phrase) and sometimes it was frustrating, but I understand them, I would do the same if I was walking in their shoes. I got ripped off quite a few times, but it's not surprising since travelling white people usually means big business in Africa. Not all people will rip you off or beg money from you, but a lot of people will try, especially in the middle of Africa. Some people were blatantly honest about it, others were more careful about their intentions. And loads of people just wanted to help you out, to show the true face of Africa. I got a lot of help during my travels and still to this day i'm quite amazed and proud that I managed to travel more than 6000 kilometres by myself and nothing bad happened. People helped me with places to stay or pulled over and offered me a ride as I was walking towards a particular highway to get somewhere. Some people even wanted to share their food with me even though they had nothing themselves! That's Africa. that's humanity.

So what now? What's my next big plan? My next big adventure? Well, for a while I thought that i'd head off to Canada(one day I will though, been wanting to go there since I was a kid), besides that I didn't really know what to do. It's been really confusing coming back to this stale, two-faced society. But, as I've said many times before, everything happens for a reason. A friend of mine offered me the chance to rent a small plot of land with him to grow vegetables and medical herbs, something i've dreamed of doing while working my ass off on those organic farms in Africa. So, I've decided to stay, for a while atleast, to work on the land, to be happily in love for the first time since I don't know when. I'm still drifting, mostly between Gothenburg and Malmö(sometimes I even have the luxury of sleeping in a bed), living out of my backpack. I'm even gonna get myself a driving license with the hopes of one day owning a small bus or van where I can live and roam the world as I please. Getting a dog is also planned for. Since i'm gonna stay i'm also thinking of staying in one place permanently for a while. A home.
Things change all the time, in some ways for the bad, but in my case the changes has been for the good and i'm eternally grateful for these events. I truly believe that every misfortune in life is a lesson and that every fortune in life is a result of that lesson being learned. I also believe that if you ask for something in life and truly believe in it, you will recieve it. Why not? Everything i've done the past year or so has been mind-breaking for a person like me, having the history that I do. I've never had nothing. Foster homes, juvenile homes and orphanages was the way I grew up. Angst, depression, drinking and drugs became my reality for far too many years. I've been through hell more times than I can count. But I realised one day that if I don't change and follow my heart, my dreams, I can just as well kill myself since I hated my life at that time. I did that change and it cost me dearly, but I'm happy I went through with it. Today, I can stand firmly on the ground saying:
"I'm free, I'm alive".

Life IS what you make of it.

"The only way to become truly free is when we have nothing left to lose."

2010-10-16T09:54:00.001+02:00

First off: I actually started writing this article a few weeks ago, but the computer I was using didn't really function that well so I lost half of what I had written. Well, things happen for a reason. A lesson I keep learning for each step here in Africa.

So here I am, resting my smelly, weary feet in on Living Art Organic Farm in Noordhoek, south of Cape Town. It's been a long ride so far, and i'm only at the beginning of my journey. Started out in Johannesburg, went all the way down to Durban, then up to Bloemfontein only to arrive in Cape Town after that. I've bathed my feet at the indian ocean in Durban, and have done the same in the atlantic ocean here in Noordhoek. It's been more than two months on the road for me in this amazingly beautiful country. South Africa. I've fallen in love with this country. The people, the cities, the farms, the scenic landscapes, the deserts, the mountains and even the beer. And i'm not done yet. In early November i'm planning to swing by Lesotho for a few days to get an extra three months in this country. I tried the other way via the Department of Home Affairs, but I came to the conclusion that bureaucracy is not my cup of tea. I'd rather do things my way.

What have I been doing so far? Well, my first ten days I spent in Johannesburg which was kinda nice, had a few beers, met some people and even got myself a sightseeing tour through some of the worst areas in the city(and in the world). After that I headed southeast for my first WWOOF'ing experience. For those of you who have no clue of what WWOOF is: It's a world wide organization which gathers farms(usually organic) all over the world where one can work in exchange for food and accommodation. Quite useful when traveling on a shoestring budget and you get to learn a lot. My first WWOOF'ing experience was at Donkey Valley Farm, located between Volksrust, Mpumalanga and Newcastle, KwaZulu-Natal. I stayed there for about two weeks and got to build a fence. first time in my life i've ever built anything properly. My experience at that farm is kinda mixed, I loved the location but I didn't feel that I got along that well with the family that hosted me. Nothing bad, but sometimes the wavelengths of communication are simply not aligned with each other. So I decided to move on a few hundred kilometers to the south, to Howick and then onwards to Zuvuya eco-village. To get there I had to take a taxi(a taxi down here means a minivan that runs to and from cities and within cities, usually with up to 12-16 passengers, incredibly uncomfortable but ridiculously cheap). A note about the taxis: Most white people here in South Africa fear and loathe them just because they're mainly used by black people. Yes, people, racism still runs rampant here in the new South Africa. But ofc not all whites are racists, and yes it goes both ways, blacks vs whites, coloreds vs indians, everyone vs everyone. There's a lot of deep wounds in this country which will take a long time to heal. But in general people are incredibly friendly.
Anyways, I took a taxi from Newcastle to Howick, sat uncomfortable for about 2-3 hours and then I took another one to Impendle community(a zulu-village) where I met up with my hosts at Zuvuya where I had my second WWOOF'ing experience. And what can I say? I loved that place and I've vowed to go back there one day, actually had to promise them that I would and I will. Zuvuya is a somewhat self-sustainable Eco-village in the KwaZulu-Natal midlands with their own mountain and I had a great time there.

Here ends the first part of my original article and I will not try to rewrite what I lost, but instead swing it in a new direction and write something completely different. I've learned a lot while on the road so far, time works differently, I see the world with a different set of eyes. I see clearly for the first time in my life. Nothing is impossible, it's never too late and, most importantly, things happen for a reason. Since I left my "home", the so called safety of society, my job and my so called "friends", things have finally gone my way. Everything I do feels right and i've met so many wonderful people along the way. People that have taught me something, helped me, given me hints or people that i've simply helped with an inspiring thought or two. People have been so amazingly helpful along my way. So far I haven't spent a single cent on accommodation, and barely any on food. I feel incredibly happy for the first time in my life to be alive and I feel lucky to be in this situation. But I still have fears. I'm currently still living on my hard-earned savings and they won't last me forever, they will take me far and wide for a long time, but one day they eventually will run out. But one day when I was walking around in Bloemfontein, just killing time while waiting for my couchsurfing hosts to show up, a homeless guy named William(I'll never forget that guy) pops up out of nowhere, grabs me, asking me where i'm from. We ended up trading things on the sidewalk while cars were rushing by us, people were trying their best not to see the two hobos talking excitedly on the street, discussing the meaning of life and laughing out loud. He gave me a rubik cube and I gave him a beanie to keep him warm during the cold nights. But it is what he told me that affected me the most. He told me that the only way to become truly free is when we have nothing left to lose. That one hit right on the spot. That is my only, for once, real fear at the moment. When my savings run out. But I know deep inside that I will manage to survive and keep going. I know that I will figure out a way to keep going. I'm a survivor and that's what we do. We keep going no matter what. I refuse to go back to the life I left just because I run out of money. Life cares none for money, careers and the other problems and concerns that is within and created by "our" society. And i've had many people telling me, ensuring me that I will be able to make it, people who supports me constantly tells me to never give up, to keep going no matter what. And I will. My plan so far is to learn a trade or a craft along the way so I can make some money to support my traveling. I'm asking for it and therefore it will come. I am working towards it and therefore an opportunity will come. I am currently learning all the time. The things i'm doing now, the situations I end up in these days, I couldn't even imagine them happen to me a year ago.
Slowly, day by day, i'm letting go of my fear and one day it'll be gone. Forever.

Everything seem to fall in place.

The Essence of Punk.

2010-09-14T09:59:00.002+02:00

Here I am, in South Africa, travelling around and so far having the time of my life. But there is still something that is gnawing in the back of my head. And I'm using this blog as some sort of therapy and today the subject is Punk, or more or less the hypocrisy and arrogance within the scene which has annoyed me for years and added to my severe depression which only made it worse.
A few days before I left Sweden for South Africa a friend of mine told me that some people are "concerned" with me having changed appearance. What the fuck?! Yes I have changed appearance, I don't have spikes or a mohawk(s) in a thousand colours anymore, nor do I wear my studded leather jacket and vegetarian steel capped boots. Why not? First off: Imagine yourself travelling with all that gear, and i'm gonna be on the road for a pretty long time. These past years my has appearance evolved not only resemble my new way of life, but also because it became more comfortable(for an example) wearing sneakers, black loose clothing etc. Makes travelling a hell of a lot easier. I still repair my own clothes, still D.I.Y. as fuck. But the thing is, just because my appearance and my lifestyle has evolved doesn't have to mean that i've become "normal" and have decided that i'm gonna get myself a house, two dogs, a car and a wife in a friendly crime-free neighbourhood(i'm actually doing quite the opposite, getting rid of everything in order to live MY life the way I want to live it, now that's punkrock if anything!). If you, the idiots who are seemingly assuming things behind my back would've come up to me and asked me not only what I was doing, why I went off to the forests for several months, and how I was doing, things would've been so much better, wouldn't it?
That's the problem with the scene today. As soon as someone sticks out or changes a wee bit, we assume and turn to gossip behind that person's back, or even spit at her/him. I did that myself when I was younger, always hated when people changed, since I thought punkrock was leather, studs, spikes, steel capped boots and a huge record collection. But it isn't. It's way more than that.
I find it quite funny that in a scene where we all claim to be free individuals, different in our own world, we are actually clones of one and another. We dress the same as thousands of others in our little "free" world. We think the same, we talk the same, we even fucking walk the same. And as for the rest of society, we're still the same as everything else, only that we're something of a "tribe", our own "secret" society or more precisely, a subculture. We gossip, we lie, we bullshit one another, we spend our time creating drama, we instigate, we drink, we hunt the pussy/the dick, we do drugs, we use money, some of us pay rent, some of us work or live on welfare, we're like some fucking big brother-show, but with thousands of participants. The worst part is, if you do not dress in a certain way, listen to certain bands, wear the right patches etc you have a problem being accepted, and everyone knows about this bullshit, but in the same time we refuse to acknowledge it. We apply the same group pressure we claim to be free of. And then we have the rockstar behaviour: If you play in the right band, or know the right people, everyone will, without question, kiss your ass.
Anyone who are familiar with The Restarts can look up the song "Static", there you have what I feel, and have felt for years. After years of mental decay, depression, friends fading or dying off I've simply decided to take matters into my own hands.

Don't take me wrong here, I love punkrock and the spirit of punk. Punk has kept me alive since I was 12-13 years old. Giving me hope and strength when the world was crashing down all at once around me, several times throughout the years. It has given me reason to go on. It was(and still is) a world for me where I could find other fucked up individuals coming from shattered homes with no hope of a bright future. It was something I could call home. But as the years went by I started seeing all the hypocrisy, the hidden hierarchy which is, unfortunately, a huge part of the scene today. To be honest, I hate it. But I love punkrock and the spirit of punk, always have, always will. I'm not leaving the scene, I am, as I mentioned above, evolving into something more. Instead of spending day in and day out complaining about the world, the society and the system, spending my weekends on punkrock gigs getting drunk or fucked up on drugs i'm off to do something. I react to my situation, to my dreams, my fear and my hate towards this society. I'm taking action and that is punk if anything. A slap in the face. I've been slapped in the face by life for 27 years, now i'm slapping back and reclaiming what is rightfully mine: my right to live my life on my terms.

Do I claim to know what punk is? Can I describe it? We all know what punk is, but at the same time we don't. Punk is something similar to Zen(quite an off comparison I know); it's a contradiction. Punk is taking back control of your own life. Punk is purely individual. Punk is life. Punk is hate, love, activism, politics, chaos, rage, tenderness, gutters, trees, squats, open spaces, cities, forests and mountains, it is our planet, the essence of all life. Punk is human. Now that is my interpretation of Punk, each and everyone of us has their own(hopefully) version of what punk really is. It's all up to you. Punk for me is not having the biggest record collection ever, not mohawks or spikes nor studded jackets or steel capped boots. For me that is a label. Although a really neat looking label, but it doesn't really make us free, does it?

Another piece of honesty: About a year ago, a wee bit more, I tried to fuck off from the scene, I was so sick of all the bullshit and the hypocrisy(and the booze and the drugs) that I wanted to say "fuck it" and disappear into the mist. But that didn't work very well, did it? I can't change who I have become, what this world has turned me into, my roots. I am a punk and I can't change that, nor do I want to. A while I even tried to adapt to some aspects of the scene because I felt lonely, imagine that, to feel lonely in a scene which claims to stand together. But I did, people died off or faded away and so did the world around me several times, and I tried to adapt and evolve in order not to feel lonely. But it didn't quite work, just made me feel more and more like an outsider in a world which I saw as my home, and still is. So here I am, saying fuck off to everything except myself. Fuck off to all you hypocrites, all you liars, backstabbers and two-faced cunts. Fuck all you so called rockstars and you fucks who claim themselves to be the perfect punkrocker/squatter/anarchist/activist/hobo. Fuck off to all you fucks who didn't support me when I had my mental breakdown and I didn't want to drink alcohol, you fucks who instead wanted to offer me beer in order to make me feel better(which you didn't, you only wanted a drinking companion and thought you were doing something good since you paid for the beer), fuck all of you who didn't fucking bother to ask how I was doing, why I was doing what i've been doing in order to do what i'm doing right now. Fuck all of you who were just interested in having me to come to shows so I could swag a few beers with you.
And my deepest respect to those of you who have been there, supporting me, understanding me and talked to me and listened to my ramblings about life throughout these past years. Much love to you, you know who you are. Wherever I go, you are there as well.

New years eve 2006/2007

My first steps in Africa...

2010-08-12T09:25:00.001+02:00

Here I am then. Africa. Or more precisely Johannesburg, South Africa. Been here a couple of days now, arrived here last friday. Will be staying here until sunday where I will continue my travels and go south-east to the province of KwaZulu-Natal, to volunteer on a farm there.
What have I done here in Johannesburg so far? I've met good people, been drinking tasty beer and i'm freezing my ass off, literally, since it's winter down here. So far i've not yet been to the Apartheid museum, but hopefully one day I will manage to see it. I can't take the bus from where I am since there is barely any buses going, this city is built for cars. And since I don't have a driving license i'm more or less dependant on the people I've gotten to know down here, and it's not that fun being this dependant on people. Especially since you can't go out alone during certain times of the day, in case you might get assaulted, robbed/mugged or whatever, some areas is a definitely no-no. Why? Well the crime-rate in South Africa, and especially Johannesburg is among the highest in the world, if not the highest. Driving around on the streets here you see poor, homeless people everywhere. Quite the contrast from safe Scandinavia, and in some parts even europe. There are people trying to sell you stuff in every intersection/traffic lights(called Robot down here), you see people walking around in droves by the highway. There is poverty in Scandinavia and europe, but not like this, and i've seen nothing yet. This is only the beginning. A few days ago I got a ride through Hillbrow, the most dangerous area in Johannesburg, this was during the day so it was OK. But you could see the decline. There were hi-jacked buildings(there are apparently a thousand hi-jacked buildings in Johannesburg city centre with about 14000 people living in them. An hi-jacked building is often controlled by gangs or druglords and mostly the buildnings are not maintained, they look like shit) here and there and neighbourhood watches driving around. And my drivers re-assuring me that this is a place where I don't want to be at night. There are quite a few areas like that here in Johannesburg. Considering the amount of poverty it doesn't really surprise me. If you can't get a job here, or study, you are basically fucked, you get nothing from the government. Some lucky individuals do, but like 75% of the unemployed receives nothing at all. So that's the reason to why the crime rate is so high here, it's all about survival, not to get rich, not in most cases anyways. Besides that Johannesburg is a beautiful city, but there's contrasts everywhere, extreme poverty and extreme wealth side by side. And I haven't been to any of the townships yet. The people i've met so far has been great. Warm and helpful.

That's all for now. I'm alive and well in Roodepoort, Johannesburg.

Laters!

Here we go.

2010-08-01T11:11:00.001+02:00

I'm off! Left my work on friday and became homeless at the same time. Everything is packed to the brim in my backpack and i'm set to go. Currently hanging out at a friends house in Gothenburg, Sweden. Somewhat hungover from last night since I had a few beers to celebrate my newly found freedom. It's been quite a while since last time. But definitely a reason to have a few beers with good friends, with the world at your feet.
I ended up giving my computer and my bike away, couldn't stand the hassle of trying to sell them(didn't try that hard though, the guy who was supposed to buy the computer bailed out), besides my landlord(and now former co-worker) needed a computer and her daughter needed a bike. So I thought since they'd let me stay there for free(they even refused to let me help them with stuff etc) since the end of march, a fully functional, decent computer and bike would hopefully be enough. It didn't feel bad to delete all the images and mp3's I had on the computer, it felt more like a relief, I don't have to worry about them anymore, still got some good tunes on my mp3-player to keep me company, and ofc some books.
Think i'll head down to Malmö tommorrow to visit some friends there, haven't seen my god-daughter for about 2 years and now is a good time to do so.

I'll catch you laters...

What exit!?

2010-07-15T16:34:00.005+02:00

"It IS possible to get out of a trap. However, in order to break out of a prison, one first must confess to being in a prison. The trap is wo/man's emotional structure, her/his character structure. There is little use in devising systems of thought about the nature of the trap if the only thing to do in order to get out of the trap is to know the trap and to find the exit. Everything else is utterly useless: Singing hymns about the suffering in the trap, as the enslaved Negro does; or making poems about the beauty of freedom outside of the trap, dreamed of within the trap; or promising a life outside the trap after death, as Catholicism promises its congregations; or confessing a semper ignorabimus as do the resigned philosophers; or building a philosophic system around the despair of life within the trap, as did Schopenhauer; or dreaming up a superman who would be so much different from the man in the trap, as Nietzsche did, until, trapped in a lunatic asylum, he wrote, finally, the full truth about himself—too late. . . .

The first thing to do is to find the exit out of the trap. The nature of the trap has no interest whatsoever beyond this one crucial point: WHERE IS THE EXIT OUT OF THE TRAP?

One can decorate a trap to make life more comfortable in it. This is done by the Michelangelos and the Shakespeares and the Goethes. One can invent makeshift contraptions to secure longer life in the trap. This is done by the great scientists and physicians, the Meyers and the Pasteurs and the Flemings. One can devise great art in healing broken bones when one falls into the trap.

The crucial point still is and remains: to find the exit out of the trap. WHERE IS THE EXIT INTO THE ENDLESS OPEN SPACE?

The exit remains hidden. It is the greatest riddle of all. The most ridiculous as well as tragic thing is this:
THE EXIT IS CLEARLY VISIBLE TO ALL TRAPPED IN THE HOLE. YET NOBODY SEEMS TO SEE IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE THE EXIT IS. YET NOBODY SEEMS TO MAKE A MOVE TOWARD IT. MORE: WHOEVER MOVES TOWARD THE EXIT, OR WHOEVER POINTS TOWARD IT IS DECLARED CRAZY OR A CRIMINAL OR A SINNER TO BURN IN HELL.

It turns out that the trouble is not with the trap or even with finding the exit. The trouble is WITHIN THE TRAPPED ONES.

All this is, seen from outside the trap, incomprehensible to a simple mind. It is even somehow insane. Why don't they see and move toward the clearly visible exit? As soon as they get close to the exit they start screaming and run away from it. As soon as anyone among them tries to get out, they kill her/him. Only a very few slip out of the trap in the dark night when everybody is asleep."

from The Murder of Christ, (1953) by Wilhelm Reich.

"...See you around!"

2010-07-13T19:46:00.002+02:00

One way or another we all come back, eh? All we need is a break from it all? A breather? This is after all the real world, isn't it? The natural order of things, right? We have to be realistic, don't we? Dreams are dreams and can only be perceived as such, right? This is it, isn't it? Why even bother? I mean, we can't really do anything about our situation now, can we? It's just a phase, will soon pass, won't it?
I have full respect for people who wish for my return and when they start to make plans for when I come back. I can understand it. I even understand those who continuously tell me that I will come back, that we all need a break every once in a while. That I will most likely fail in whatever I try to do. That I am crazy and brave. But that I will fail and come back.
Wanna know a secret? Promise not to tell anyone? Promise!!
Ok, here we go:

I DON'T WANT TO COME BACK!

I hate this way of life. I cannot possibly go back to being a wage slave again once I've managed to escape that life. Trust me, I will do whatever I can to prevent it from happening. Perhaps one day I will come back to Scandinavia and live here, but not the same way. Not ever again. To all of you who keep saying that I will return, that I will fail and give up: Is it your own fear speaking? I know it is. Are you simply jealous? I know you are. Do you wish that you could do the same? I know you do, and you can. Perhaps I might fail, perhaps times will get rough, and they will, oh yes they will, same way things will go well, it's called "the natural balance of life". Will I want to give up and go back to this world of "safety"? Perhaps.
I've come a long way already. I've gone through a lot of changes(internal as external) in order to do this. I've worked hard for this. Most importantly, i've been dreaming about this my whole life. And now finally i'm at the threshold. I will not give up. I'd rather spend the rest of my life on the road, free, happy and in control of my life, than to go back to a life of corporate slavery just to feel "safe". One thing I can promise, if I do come back to become a wage slave again, suicide won't be far off. This I know. I want to live, that's why i'm doing this in the first place. To live my life. To see what's out there.

I'll round this one off with a well known quote from a very wise man, Jiddu Krishnamurti, a man who knew what life is about, that living one's life is more important than any record album, any car, any partner, any job, any house etc.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

See you around!

"Crazy eyes"

2010-06-27T14:02:00.002+02:00

You've seen us on the streets. You've passed us on a busy sidewalk during rush hour. You've shared an elevator with one of us. You've passed one or several of us on a dusty country road. You've seen us on your television when you come home from work, school or the unemployment office. You've shared a dance floor with one or several of us. You've read about some of our actions or deeds in the newspapers.
You have undoubtedly seen us. You undoubtedly know of our existence. You do your very best denying the fact that we do exist. The governments and "our" society are doing their best to help you ignore our existence.
You know we are out there. Roaming the world. Living our lives. Reclaiming every second that is rightfully ours.

You have seen the light in our eyes. You have noticed the fire burning within us. You have heard our cries of freedom. You have noticed we thrive in excitement. You have noticed our impulsive behaviour. You know we are out of control. You have noticed us taking risks, chances that you would never even think of. You have heard our stories. Stories of survival. Stories of pain and grief. Stories of courage. Stories of adventure. Stories of joy and happiness. Stories of myth and legends. We are many. We have existed since the dawn of mankind.

You have seen us turn the streets into dance floors. You have seen us on the burning barricades of a riot. You have seen us establish self-sustainable villages out in the wilderness. You have seen us walking towards the sunset, travelling like nomads. You have heard our laughter in the distance. You have seen us walking out of our jobs in anger. You have seen us fight for our lives in wars and rebellions. You have seen us survive. You have seen us die. You have seen our "crazy eyes", sharp and filled with life, vivid. We have scared you, made you feel uncomfortable. We have made you feel safe.

Many have recognised us and are trying their best to resemble us. They want to be like us. They buy clothes to dress as something what they believe to be us. They buy records as they believe music is what represents what we stand for. They buy items, they consume for they believe that in that way they can become us. They buy to pretend. All the while they despise us for we do not seek recognition, we do not seek fame, we do not seek wealth. But these pretenders do.

No matter in what situation you might find us in, you know we are there. You know we exist.
We have been called or called ourselves many things. Punk rockers(or any other subcultural group). Squatters. Anarchists(or any other political ideology). Free spirits. Nomads. Travellers. Liberation fighters. Terrorists. Activists. Freaks. Outcasts. Homeless. Misunderstood. Misfits. Insane. Explorers. Adventurers. Healers. Warriors. Leaders. Scavengers. Looters. Hermits. We do not belong to any political organization or subcultural group. No way is the right way. No truth is the one truth. No moral is the correct and ethical moral.
What we truly are is as obvious as the rising sun:

We are humans.

Come join us.
There is no fee, no payments, no mortgages, no rent, no jobs, no bosses, no obligations, no fear, no political agenda, no organizations, no rules, no laws, no morals, no religions, no bills, no taxes, no borders, no countries, no visas, no money, no demands, no consumerism, no capitalism, no racism, no government. All you need is to believe in yourself. You need to believe in your right to live your life as you see fit, but not on the expense of others. It is possible, all you have to do is to open your eyes and let go. Let go of everything that holds you down.
Let go.

Live your life.

To never walk alone.

2010-06-19T16:54:00.002+02:00

Last weekend I was volunteering at a festival called Punk Illegal in Munkedal, Sweden. A branch of an organisation called "No one is Illegal" which is helping Illegal immigrants(or hidden refugees that has been denied permanent residence and simply can't go back to their home countries due to war or political instabilities) in Sweden. There are approx. 10-35000 illegal immigrants in Sweden and about 8 million in Europe. The festival was great and there were about 900 visitors so I'm quite sure they made a lot of money.

But this is not what i'm gonna write about today, gonna write about friendship.

When I came to that festival I hadn't seen some of my friends since march, that's three months. But it was amazing. Some friends I hadn't seen since christmas, or worse, for over a year. This is friends that I've been going through hell with, and back with a few of them. And when I met them it was as if we'd never been separated. That's when it hit me, what real friendship is. I realised that no matter how far I'll travel, no matter for how long I will be gone, I will never walk alone.

Real friendship is that no matter how far away you are from each other, a true friend is always there, to offer a shoulder when a shoulder is needed. No matter how long it takes until you see each other again, a true friend is always welcoming. Real friendship never ends. Real friendship has no borders.
It can go months, even years, but it never goes away.
True friendship is supportive. Honest. Forgiving. Understanding. Critical. Constructive. Loyal. Respectful. Accepting. True friendship is extremely rare.
True friendship is a poke in the darkness, pulling you up when all hope seems lost. True friendship is a pat on the back, a shuffling of hair, a laughter in the distance and a smile when a smile is needed.
True friendship is not bound by alcohol. true friendship is not bound by drugs. True friendship is not bound by rules or laws. True friendship is bound by experience. By hopes and dreams.

By life.

With this I would like to give a humongous "thank you" to all my friends out there, old, new, dead, live, internet friends and future ones. Thank you all for existing(or have existed), thank you all for making life worth living, thank you all for making it all easier, thank you all for being the persons you are, thank you all for giving inspiration, hope and strength. Thank you all for putting up with my ramblings and jibberings about life and the world in general. Thank you all for making wherever you are feel like home.
I consider myself to be lucky.

Thank you.

...out of the ashes...

2010-06-14T23:02:00.006+02:00

We're all thinking of it. Most of the time we avoid talking about it. It scares us. It reeks of doom and death. The apocalypse. Cities laid in ruins, fires from the sky, the four horsemen riding across fields drenched in blood and decaying bodies. Seas poisoned, all life on earth extinguished, eternal darkness underneath a dead sun.
War. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

We've all seen the movies. The Road. 2012. Armageddon. Jericho. 28 days/weeks later. I Am Legend. The Mad Max trilogy and so on. Not to mention all the books on the subject. Most of those stories describing the apocalypse as a violent, deadly event. But also as an event filled with hope. A new beginning. A new dawn. Out of the ashes springs new life.
Some say it will be a shift of ages, as we currently are living in the age of Pisces and are supposedly entering the age of Aquarius around 2012, although some sources say we won't do that until yet another 100-500 years. Sources vary. They all do. This shift is supposed to awaken mankind. To bring an age of light and hope. An age of peace.

As the year 2012 is drawing nearer, the apocalyptic hysteria is growing by the day. Especially the stories that tells of our impending doom. Of our species extinction. The end of human civilization. The end of all life. The end of planet earth even. But why does it have to be and ending?
Is see it as a possible new beginning for mankind. A second chance. Do I believe in the apocalypse? Oh, yes.

We can all feel it, deep inside of us. Most of us are having a hard time seeing a future, especially in this so-called society of "ours, "our" civilization. Mother Earth is being ravaged, raped, drained and destroyed for minerals that creates the base of this society of "ours". A society we don't really need for our survival. Technologies which are supposed to make our lives easier, but are in truth only making us dumber, inhuman, deforming us, removing our basic skills of survival and adaption, our natural instincts. We are loosing contact with ourselves. Especially with nature. Unemployment is sky-high in third world countries where whole populations are starving to death, western countries are not far off. Overpopulation. Food shortages. Water shortages. Oil shortages. Pollution. War. Genocides. We are a disease to ourselves. To our planet. And still we are building more than ever. Digging, scraping the earth bare of its minerals. Killing species after species, poisoning the oceans. There is no future in this. We can all see that. It's not a matter of "if", but of "when".
How will this society, this civilization of man end? Through war? Through the awesome power and wrath of mother Earth? Or will it one day just cease to function? Alien invasion? We cannot possibly know. But we all know that this society, this civilization will end one day. Nothing lasts forever.
I believe we are in the middle of it. The Apocalypse. The civilization as we know it is crumbling on it's own foundations as we speak. I don't think it will be an instant event, but long and out-drawn. Numerous series of events which are currently taking place that will eventually lead us to our civilizations inevitable end. Note that I don't say our end, but the end of "our" civilization.

I do believe that whatever happens, mankind will survive. At a price. A very high price. I don't think I have to explain what that price really is do I?
What I'm thinking of is cities. I see them as living tombs. Cities of the dead. Necropolis. In my view, the only way for survival is to get out of the cities, out to the country-side, to the forests, the fields and the hills. If and when things go bad, and it will get bad, people living in cities are among the first to suffer. There is nothing prophetical about this, with a little common sense it's not hard to see or imagine. We will need to learn how to live with nature again. Build a new world for ourselves.

I do not view the apocalypse as a frightening event. I welcome it. It is exactly what we and mother Earth need in order to survive. It is not the end. It is a new beginning. A new dawn.

It is hope.

A life worth dying for.

2010-06-06T22:50:00.020+02:00

Not even two months to go. Less then eight weeks left til I become free to follow the wind. Free as a bird. Free to decide the cycles of my life. Free from the chains of this society. Free from obligations. Free from stereotypical behavior. Free from arrogance. Free from ignorance. Free from my old self. Free to begin a new life.

Free.

In ways I have a hard time grasping it, sometimes it's as clear as a blue sky on a hot summer day. Sometimes I bang my head against the wall, questioning my own decisions and actions. I am throwing away everything that I have been brought up to believe to be safe and security. Job, home, friends, familiar surroundings, stereotypes, subcultural belonging, things, everything. I cannot fully explain how liberating it feels. To finally be in control of my own life. To follow my dreams. My hopes. Making them come true. To live my life as I've always wanted. To travel the world. As the nomad I have always been, craving to travel the world, gaining knowledge and experience.

When I look back at my life, what I have always viewed as twenty seven years of hell, it led me to this point. In a way preparing me. Gently kicking me in the teeth, telling me to let go.
I've always been a lonewolf, more or less, always drifting from place to place. Orphanage to foster home to juvenile institution, year after year, never more than two years at one place. A few months there, a year there and some random weeks or weekends there. Always moving, never still. And always on my own. Everyone I have truly loved have been taken away from me. Grandparents. Mom. Dad. Several friends. Dead and gone. I have no real family to speak of. No connections.
For years I hated my life, questioning it, constantly asking why I had to go through all those experiences. Why it happened to me. Why? why? Why? But now I don't ask why anymore. I know why now. It led me to this. I see that now, like reading chapters in a book, like following a thread. There's a quote by Bernice Johnson Reagon which describes what I mean pretty well:

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

Am I scared? Of course I'm scared. Seriously, I'm leaving familiar ground here, jumping right out of a cliff, treading on thin ice. But I'm not letting it paralyze me, I see it as a challenge. For every time we overcome a fear, we grow as person, become stronger mentally. We realize that nothing is impossible. That's why I know I can do this. Break free from this society of "ours", become a nomad, a vagabond, free to roam the world.

I've paid a high price for this. I've gone through insane changes in my life. Still am.

I remember when I decided to go to Africa, it was about a year ago, and since then I've been working towards that goal, going through severe changes, physically, mentally and spiritually. Initially I had only planned to check out the South African punk rock scene for a month or two and then head back to Scandinavia, eventually even moving back to Sweden. But then I had my mental breakdown in december 2009 and everything changed. That breakdown told me to shape up and grab a hold of myself, take charge of my own life and follow my dreams. So here I am, planning to travel the world as cheaply as possible. I have no idea what awaits me and i'm leaving with an open mind. Will I move back to Scandinavia? Maybe, not this year though, perhaps not even in ten years. My dream is to travel as much as I can, to live life as fulfilling as I possibly can, to become happy. And who knows? One day I might find that "magical" place where I want to settle down. Where I can feel like home. I know I will. I've opened my mind to my surroundings, noticing all the people around me. I have let go of my stereotypical beliefs and narrow-minded views on the world. I've let go of all the hate I carried inside of me. I've let go of all my material belongings, except for what I can fit into a backpack. I have gone through what can be called a "cleansing".
In order to start anew, I must kill myself, my old way of life, and I have. I suppose most of you have heard Ozzy Osbourne singing the phrase: "Killing yourself to live"? He's not singing about suicide, he's singing about creating a new way of life, of breaking free, giving yourself a new chance to live life as life is meant to live. A cleansing.
And since I decided to start anew, i have met and come in contact with several people who are about to, who are or who have followed their own dreams, reclaimed their lives. Helping me gain insight and understanding of my own situation. Making me realise that I'm not alone on this. There are hundreds, if not thousands of us out there. Waking up and taking back control of our own lives.

Things are finally going my way. A few years back I had to kick down, or smash through one door at a time in order to get somewhere, since every door in front of me was firmly locked. But now I stand at a crossroads, with several doors wide open, all of them screaming at me to enter them.

A few years ago I feared the future, in fact, I saw no future at all.
I saw only darkness.
But now I see a future vibrant with possibilities. I look towards the future with hope, with great anticipation and with excitement. It might not make me rich and wealthy in the sense of money, but it will for sure give me the experience of a lifetime.

A life worth dying for!

A moment of thought.

2010-06-04T18:46:00.005+02:00

Turn off your TV. Switch off your computer. Pull out the plug even. Put down your beer. Just for a few minutes. I ask of you a moment of thought.
Especially now in the wake of the Israeli attack on the ship Mavi Marmara and the ongoing propaganda war from the Israeli government. Think about what's happening. Not just now.
But what has been happening for years. For lifetimes. Palestinians murdered on a daily basis, imprisoned, searched, forced from their homes, the list goes on and on and on.
Today I just want to share a thought of all the lives around the world that is violently ended every day. Not just in Palestine. But also in every part of the world where there is an ongoing conflict or hidden genocides.

Afghanistan, Iraq, India, Pakistan, Thailand, Sri Lanka and the Tamil, Mexico, South Africa(no conflict here but more or less 18000 murders a year and around 3000+ farmers murdered since 1994), The Democratic Republic of the Congo, Sudan, Somalia, Burma, Nigeria, Philippines, Angola, Indonesia, Turkey and Kurdistan, Ethiopia, Colombia, Chad, Russia, Tibet, Uganda, Morocco and Western Sahara to count a few.

I do not meant o be respectful in any way towards the Palestinians and their fight for freedom. But where are the voices for all those other conflicts? Who tells the world about all those other hidden genocides? The unlawful Israeli occupation of Palestine is an easily purchased cause, again I mean no disrespect, but the rest of the world is forgotten. It sure does seem like it.

Where are the demonstrations to stop mining for Coltan in The Democratic Republic of the Congo? Coltan is a mineral which is used for computers, cellphones and videogame consoles etc. All those things that we "need". People die for that luxury, by the thousands every year. Anyone know the real reason for the war in the Congo? Anyone even know that there is a war going on there? Take a look at this.
People die everyday for our "needs". Yes, that includes the Ipod. Almost 7 million dead all in all.

Where are the demonstrations to stop the hidden genocide of white and coloured farmers in South Africa? Yes, there was one in Sweden a while ago by right wing extremists, neo-nazis, and that stinks! It stinks because they manage to show the problem in the wrong light, turning it into propaganda for themselves and their sick ideology. And the 18000 murders per year speaks for itself.

And where are the voices for Western Sahara?

And what about the Tamils in Sri Lanka? Yes, there where some demonstrations in Oslo about a year ago, but only the tamils living in exile demonstrated or tried to make their voices heard. Recently the Sri Lankan government more or less eradicated the tamil tigers from the face of the earth. Atleast from Sri Lanka.

There are ongoing conflicts all over the world and we know of but a handful of them.
But what scares me the most is that in 9 out of 10 times we have no idea of what caused the conflict in the first place. I'll give you a hint: Corporate interests! Profit! Not just oil. But Coltan, as mentioned above, and other minerals, diamonds, weapons(new weapons gotta be tested and used, right?), drugs, cattle farms for fast-food restaurants(Yes, one of the reasons to why the Amazon forest is disappearing) etc.

A moment of thought.

For all the lives that is lost for "our" comfort.

Thank you.