Thoughts begin at 21

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

2021-06-24T22:40:00.001+10:00

Ever remember that saying "what Suzy says about Sally, says more about Suzy than it does of Sally."

When the world stops for a minute...

2019-04-27T23:30:00.004+10:00

Quiet is the mind that rests at night... when i close my eyelids and drift away into a blissful slumber. I hope that my dreams and thoughts bring peace and rest to an anxious and wandering mind.
I cannot begin to tell you or even describe what has happened the past few years, or more, that its been that i havent written one blog post. Ive had so many inklings and urges to write...its like there's a fire deep inside at the pit of my stomach, bursting to come alive and spill words onto the page. I honestly just couldnt bring myself to bring fingertips to keyboard, pencil to paper, pen to parchment and whatever else you can think of... i think you catch my drift. I have been to my own kind of hell and back and its amazing that im living and breathing as i am right now. Im in a position where i'm grateful for the life ive lived and the future i am going to encounter, but i just dont know how to begin explaining what the fuck has happened. Why am i the person i am today?

How lovely is a birds song, how tepid are the words of an ex that linger in the back of your mind,. oh how fucked up situations of a past day or life can sing and dance as a chorus in the back of your everyday thoughts and the ugly face of anger stares at you and you dont know what you did wrong.

i mean FUCK.

"Stay AWAY from Jazz and Liquor"

2013-07-05T18:07:00.002+10:00

"...and the men who play for fun" - Chicago.

After a fabulous pole fitness and dance class wednesday night i'm feeling a lot more motivated to sell all my dance costumes on Ebay and hand a bag over to one of my old dance teachers, and even more motivated to insist to my mother that I NEED to put my pole back up in the house (physiotherapists instructions, honest) and get back into pole fitness. Two days after my class I am really feeling it. When I cough or sneeze, I get a sharp muscular jolt in the sides of my obliques and deep in the bottom of my abs. My arms are absolutely killing. I couldn't even bowl properly yesterday, but surprisingly i couldn't do much... except the splits. Due to my weekly stretching I am more flexible than I thought i would be, but still a fair way to go to get back to where I was.

My juicing is going so well! I love my raw vegetable juices, and green juices taste so refreshingly good. I still eat food, but since a few gym sessions, I have really knuckled down on what i am consuming. Some days are easier than others, I just have to focus on food preparation, and not go grocery shopping whilst I am hungry.

I also like the way the little voice in my head doesn't have to do that if I don't want it to. Because. That. Is. Really. Annoying.

Although a lot of my own writing isn't up to grammatical scratch since I just write what i'm going to write, hit publish and i'm done with it. I do find posts such as the one above quite humorous.

I follow a page on Facebook called Grammarly and I find sheer delight in the quirky responses written by other followers to grammar humour. I'm a nerd huh? I'm sure my boyfriend doesn't understand why I think these things are so funny, but some of them literally make me laugh out loud. One post a few days ago stated "we're going to cut and paste kids. Commas matter." I thought this was so clever, and it seems commas truly save lives. If you don't get it, there is supposed to be a comma after paste;)

I even find literary puns to be amusing such as this one below:

English nerd humour #303

It's nice to feel a bit better this week than I have been feeling. My websites coming together slowly, but surely. Websites are a little tricky at times. I change a format and think i am doing the right thing and then lose a draft and somethings purple! I like how it is at the moment, but next week i am going to have to take a trip to Brisbane to sort it out a bit better. You can find it at www.jodiestewartonline.com.

I have a job interview on Monday!!! A little nervous and definitely apprehensive but excited for something new and different. That's exactly why i started my website. It helps keep my mind busy whilst my boyfriends away. Scrapbookings great, yet i can't do that 24/7 and can get expensive. If i go to spotlight i need to leave my wallet at home, otherwise i'll just want to buy pretty much everything. Since i am jobless, i can't afford that. Somehow, i can talk myself into affording it, then i turn around and feel sorry for myself later. Nevertheless, now's the time i am sharing even more of my thoughts and ideas about the things i adore in life.

I miss dancing and i think i'm going to give Burlesque classes a decent go. What the heck, its exciting, makes you feel good and theres a great group of girls that do it and that's what i need. To hang out a little more with more of my own kind.

Until the stars fall,

JP!!!!!!

Today Is Your Day

2013-06-27T14:54:00.001+10:00

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

 What ever the rest of the week brings to you, be strong, smile and let your strength, your love, help you to a better day.

 Good Afternoon everyone, I hope you are all well, cos' here's the touch down like a 747. 

 There you are reading my blog again either on your desktop pc or smart phone and you're thinking, what is she on about now? Well, what am i talking about?

Ever sit there and just think, "you know, today is a good day." This is how i'm feeling at this very moment and i decided to write a post to share what's been going on in the world of JP lately.  Alas, it tis' raining once again on the Gold Coast. Tends to happen throughout our Winters, however, more so we get the summer storms. You know the perfect summer lovin' days from sunrise and then once schools out and it hits 3pm, its overcast and the lightning strikes. Its a sign!! Leave the kids at school.  

But seriously, i'm sitting here in an old pair of grey track pants with a bond university logo streamed down the side, socks on, a simple cream coloured knit and purple glasses. I have no make-up on and my hairs an absolute mess, yet, i've been quite the busy bee this morning. So busy, i forgot to fuel the engine with some petrol, AKA feed my body some nutritious breakfast, thus instead i woke up to an 8am message from a friend asking for a morning coffee date. I sighed, (it is freezing) and dragged myself out bed, stripped off and jumped into a searing hot shower. Ahhh, feels good doesn't it? Hot showers on a chilly gold coast 18 degree winter day!  

The worst thing, is being in the shower and once the waters off, you get the tiny bit of breeze hit you and you quickly make a grab for your towel (and it still hasn't dried properly from the night before. There's no other choice though, unless you are going to make a nudie run out to the cupboard and walk on the cold tiles.) I think, just use the dam damp towel, dry your feet and the socks go on first, (that's what i do). Anyway, i headed out this morning for a few hours and saw a friend, ran some errands and by the time i was back here i completely forgot i hadn't had anything nutritious. To the juicer i was! So i whipped a raw yet tasteful, beautifully refreshing paw paw, carrot and apple juice. It was deliscious, you can't knock it till you try it. And now im sitting here listening to Ed Sheeran, reminsicing about times spent in Rockhampton and Mackay and reading my psychology textbook about Developmental Psychology, or 'lifespan development.' The drizzle of rain in the background creates the most comforting atmosphere to write to. What tops it off is my best friend is sitting right beside me, having a snooze. My little pup Jenna.  

Today, i miss the old days. The after school ballet rush and nights spent doing ballet, jazz or contemporary preparing for the weekends competition.

     Today, i miss the innocence of being a youth, (you know where you can get away with things because you are still a kid.)

Today, i miss the family time: sibling fights, getting a smack for shaving your legs too young, and birthday celebrations and family days out.

It's so nice to have memories. These memories i've been playing through my head the past few hours urge me to plan more and be in touch with my family. Not only my immediate family, but my family in New Zealand and Melbourne - my brothers and sisters from the same mister (my dad sowed his seeds thats for sure but saved the best for last.) I really love having a bigger family and being so close to my brother in Melbourne. I love him so much and cannot wait for all the times we will share together. We have a very honest and open relationship where i can speak freely about whatevers on my mind, whether its about my studying, work ideas, my leisure activities or even if its about how amazing i think Henry Cavill, the new superman is... i can speak of whatever. And he speaks the same with me. We have a very special bond full of trust and i feel so lucky to have that with him.

I think that its so important to be on good terms with your family, even if you have a faling out or disagreement, you should eventually sort it out and not hold grudges against people because we only have one life to live. We get one shot and one opportunity. That said, there are cases when you should just tell your family to get nicked because there doing you more harm than good and don't deserve to have you in their life, so you create your own life and family.

When i'm writing, I like to refer to Bukowski quite often for i believe he was not so far off of how he interpreted people and his own life, in the grand scheme of things. People can be fickle and lazy in their friendships with you, untrustworthy, and dog you for the next best thing, but your family will always be there.

Everyone is a little crazy and there is no way in hell we are able to keep it completely together 100% of the time in our lives because thats not what life is about. Life is about being knocked down, pulling yourself together and lifting yourself back up. It's about learning from your mistakes. Most of all, your life is about YOU. And as adults, we are held accountable for what we say and do because you know whats right and what is wrong and how to go about things depending on the different situations because you have lived. You aren't just a bag a bones, you're a hell of a meat packet full of experience and emotion. Experience shapes us.

If you let go of something, let it go and move forward. If you can't let go, sit back and think about why, because its probably something to do with YOU. In this life YOU are 10% what happens to you and 90% the way you react from it. I've made some hard decisions in my life, some i am still working toward moving forward with today but my life is about ME and what i want as much as it is about everyone else around you. It's okay to be a little selfish and keep YOU happy before trying to make everyone else happy. I've said this often and ill say it again because in reality Bukowski knew what was what.

"Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must lead!" -- Bukowski.

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and think 'i'm not going to make it' - and then you laugh inside, remembering all the times you've felt this way." -- Bukowski.

In this life we are going to make mistakes and go a little crazy, be a little silly, fall in love too quickly and then be afraid of what the next steps going to be but one things certain, it's my life, and i wanna give it a dam good go.

Not closed eyes, eyes wide open! I will look life in the face and say 'COME AT ME BRO'.

Live a little, stop being so serious, and laugh. We can do this!

Until the stars fall,

JP xx

Projects, projects full steam ahead!

2013-06-23T01:31:00.000+10:00

I made a promise to myself i would write more posts in this blog the past month. I promised i would divulge to my readers (the few you may be) more details regarding my intermittent blogging absence. Why i make promises like that, i'm not sure, because another month is nearly over and do you know how many details are in just one month? Of course you do, you're living beings just as i am doing what we do best day to day: living. Well there are lots of details i can tell you thats happened over the past few weeks and yet again i sit here staring at a dam blank screen. What's the point you may ask? Come on, let us in on your rock bottom my subconscious chimes. I mean, that's what i want to know when i'm reading other peoples blogs. I peruse the posts and pages and i'm thinking "okay, get to the point," and "whats the bottom line here?"

I have four projects currently underway!

1. My new website. As a budding writer I have always wanted to write articles for my very own website, so i have created a brand spanking new blog where i am the creator and author. I will discuss more details about this later, and when everything is set up and ready for public scrutiny, i will post the link on here.

2. Time Management. Time management has not always been a main priority of mine, however, since i currently have a few projects underway, such as this blog, finding a job, studying, working for my brother etc. i have found a new way to manage my time. I have been using a diary all year but have also just started using a daily tasks day planner to write down what i'd like to achieve in the day and then prioritise these tasks by giving them a number. At the end of the task i mark a tick or cross under the 'completed' box. I also devote specific time frames to those tasks.

3. Scrapbooking. I have found a fabulous way to be creative and also keep my mind busy. The days are flying by. Yes, its scrapbooking. After all my years of dance training i have so many photos its hard to choose which ones to use half the time but i like being creative and innovative and doing something different. I have a dance album to complete, and an album of myself from 1 to 21.

4. Finding and cooking (or baking) healthy recipes. I have a newfound joy in cooking and baking and love trying different recipes and creative healthier versions.

And lastly, studying. Thats self explanatory.

I am also helping my brother out with his business selling websites for small to medium sized businesses that are optimised for mobile. I am a busy girl, keeping my mind occupied, staying up late writing and putting together content for my website. Its nice to keep the mind busy in a calm and stable environment. Not only is it relaxing, but is what i am using as a coping mechanism or better termed a coping strategy to help me deal with my boyfriend being away working a lot. I believe this is proactive coping, as its a coping response aimed to head off a future stressor. In psychology, coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master or minimise and tolerate stress. So far, so good.

I have a throbbing headache and my eyes are struggling to stay open. There are many exciting things to look forward to over the next 6 months but im still counting down the days, as always. One day at a time and i'll see you when im looking at you smeff.

Until the stars fall,

JP x

When life gives you lemons...

2013-06-08T23:18:00.001+10:00

...you just add a bit of carrot, beetroot, celery, apple and a knuckle of ginger, whizz it together and drink the shit out of it cos taste good yo and gives you a healthy boost to start the day off saturating your cells with goodness.

This is one of those images with a quote that you stumble across one day whilst perusing random crap on someones facebook page, that makes you stop and read it twice over, and then for a hat trick. It just resonates with you, deep within your soul and you understand completely the meaning behind truly appreciating what you have in your life and the people you've been so fortunate to meet. Whether it be for the short-term or long-term and whether they came into your life only for a season to teach you a lesson, the love we hold in our hearts for the people we were so fortunate to bond with (our families, friendships and relationships) really does last forever, and loving the human race, our earth is so important. We are only on this beautiful planet for the blink of an eye and we get so caught up in the moment, you let the stresses of life and the abundance of societal pressure get you down and make you feel you should be doing things differently, but in reality, like an old friend said to me tonight "you create your own happiness." At the moment, i've done another cycle and i've just applied for a job at the world of sea, (Sea world) and although it seems I'm going backwards, i believe working at a company you've already experienced can be a good thing. I have a renewed interest and i'd be working in a different department and i believe i possess the necessary skills and attributes for the job i've applied and i thought 'what the heck', so why not? So that i shall wait and hopefully get a response soon, otherwise i would love to volunteer at australia zoo again for two weeks. And in all honesty, i feel like now is the best time to move to Melbourne and do what i have always wanted to do, and just live and work there for a year. What a marvellous change of scenery it would be. I just love the culture, the nightlife and the food and i'd get to see more of my half brother. My life isn't stagnant, but i'm at the stage where i have an opportunity to make a life for myself and set up a nest somewhere. I'm 23 years old, and i just want to get out and explore a different city in Australia. Melbourne would be perfect.

I feel life has given me a whole lotta lemons of late and i've just got to take it for what it is. But i wanna be happy, not unhappy, and get out and experience new places and things. It's like im stuck here though, and it isn't a bad thing but at 23, nearly 24, i should be out on my own meeting people, going to classes, just having some fun with the girls, doing my pole dancing classes and getting fit. I think since i've quit my job, im going to have to go for a drive to the sunny coast or to byron and just hang out for a day or two, get up the mountain and head into the bush. Do things that make me happy with people that are my friends and fun to be around. People that know me and understand me.

This weeks goals

ONE: drink more water!

TWO: keep juicing it up.

THREE: bush walk.

FOUR: Ride my bicycle in Byron Bay.

FIVE: Organise an MRI for that stinkin annoying hip!

SIX: smile, paint, laugh, stay up all night and drink red wine.

JP x

Talking about a Revolution

2013-04-30T23:39:00.000+10:00

It's like that feeling of bliss you have, as you sit cross legged in front of an open fire place, with only the sound of the crackle of the wood burning and whispering only slightly in your ears as you sip a warm english breakfast tea. It's a cold evening. The warmth of the heat the fire exudes toward your body envelopes you like an invisible blanket, snuggling you up and wrapping you up from the inside out. Your eyes twinkle as you stare into the orange lit fire bursting each flame higher as the crackles spark a movement upwards and heat emits towards your palms turned upward and a smile is drawn across your face, ear to ear as they say. A smile that brings comfort from deep inside your soul. A comfort you crave. If only this feeling lasted a lifetime. It's something special, rare and pure. It brings to light the meaning of life itself, to not search for happiness, or convince yourself to be a certain someone or live a certain way, but to enjoy the moment for what it is there and then, because these little moments string together and form the big moments in our lives, the ones we remember, the memories we share and the wisdom to help us on our journey forward through this big, magical world. A journey that is so unique to everyone elses but all in all the same, because we are all in this together, and each trial and tribulation or emotional upheaveal we face, we get through it, and everything is always okay.

I believe that i will make a change for myself, and each step i've taken will only lead to bigger and greater things. It's nice to have a message that says "i believe in you". When others see you for who you are, and know what you are capable of, those little messages of endearment and encouragement mean so much more than just "i believe in you", it means "i can see you for who you are and all the mighty things you are bound for in this world, so look at yourself and believe them too because i believe in you, and you should believe in you too." But as we know, it is not always easy to build yourself up when you feel broken. And a little support goes along way.

MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT.

I've had my heart broken and i've given up when i thought all was lost.

I've had no will, when there was always a way to make things better.

I've let people get the better of me and take me for granted, and then not given enough.

I've given all of myself to someone in one instance, and then not given enough to another.

I've broken a heart, (or two)

I've listened when i shouldn't have, and i went ahead without thinking.

Then i listened too much, (and felt my ship was sinking)

I didn't believe, and lost hope.

I had too much hope and lost belief.

I learnt to trust and gave my heart and soul.

The trust was broken when love was not enough.

I wore sunscreen and took the stairs not the elevator.

I drank water and wine by the bottle!

I lost a friend and gained another.

Twas my footprints kissing the sand one way or another.

To the north and to the south, i travelled east and west.

I found apart of me, deep in my soul im free, however to where is the rest of me? (With these feet in my shoes we'll see).

I'll let you in on a little secret, i'm not the most perfect girl. But imperfect is most perfect in an ever changing world.

Now the action steps up a gear as we have graduated to a whole new level. From last August to now, a lot has changed and my frustrations are piling up. Everyday things are getting better, and i'm getting better, but the distance is hard, the limited time sucks. The jobs frustrating (yet all workplaces are) and there's only two ways it can go. To see the positivity in all and bring to life the old. To stretch and sweat and eat my broccoli and get in touch with the world. I deserve to feel valued and respected and appreciated for me (we all do) not a nuisance and frustration, thats not where i want to be. If only people were a little less self centred, and more sensitive to others. Show the people you care about how they make you feel, because words are nothing more than words on a page if actions don't follow as well. I yearn to laugh uncontrollably, be cheeky, fun and spontaneous. To kiss ever so passionately and be held so tight you just don't want to let go. To feel that feeling of bursting happiness, like a flame is alive inside of you. To feel like i'm a priority and not that you ring me or text me because you have to, but because you want to. I mean no matter who it is, family, friends, your lovers, just value the people in your life and show them they are important. Make them feel number one and apart of you and like you are proud to have them in your life. Not separate it, and do things on your own accord. Just be together. Things in your life aren't always going to be good. I know this, but i don't want to settle. I almost want to study again so i can be in a classroom and have an intelligent conversation about anything, i yearn for just a good, bloody conversation. A walk on the beach in the moonlight. A cup of baskins choc chip cookie dough ice cream listening to the world.

Our lives can be electric if we wish it. And this is a revolution.

Until the stars fall, JP xx

You want to make a change? Lets talk.

2013-04-30T23:21:00.000+10:00

I wish i had the answers.

NOW lets talk more

SpEcIfIc...

I know it's a bit ridiculous worrying about the things you cannot change and stressing about a situation you have no control of, yet, we are human, and sometimes these things get the better of us. I'll admit it, it's a tough and challenging time at the moment and as much as i tell myself to take each day as it comes, focus on the now etc etc, i find myself realising, it's time that heals any unsettled emotions and unhealed wounds. It's time that we give ourselves time to allow the healing process to begin, and to allow the situation to run its course and work itself out. "Jodie, you look like a duck in a desert!" Said one of the head dolphin trainers as i floated aimlessly out to the centre of the pool one day. I was waiting to continue filming a dolphin program and "get on with the job" as they say. I find the cycle beginning again: i'm a duck waddling around a flat plane desert trying to find my little miracle of a pond.

Tomorrow is the start of a new adventure at my new job. I have more challenges to face and overcome, more responsibilities to accept and take in my stride and of course, new personal bests to achieve. I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and a new team to work with. Although i feel a little nervous and anxious about tomorrow, i know i'll be fine as soon as i get there. I just need to get to work and get stuck into it and focus on the task at hand. Thats the great thing about work. I much rather have to get up and get to work so i have a reason to get up for the day and something to focus on. It's hard work and i'm constantly on the go but right now its the perfect environment for me to be in. Otherwise, ill find myself in a vicious cycle jumping from one thing to the next, and spending money i don't have to give myself 5 minutes of pleasure and satisfaction until again the reality hits me and i realise i'm just spending money because it makes me feel good. It fills the void of missing him dearly. I am struggling with this at the moment and i am trying to be supportive, i know this is just 'how it is.' I guess i worry too much about the future of when we see each other and the limited time we have together, instead of being positive about it all and looking forward to just every minute we spend together, ive been focusing on the fact he isnt with me, and the fact he will leave again (completely unproductive). Although i am a little unhappy about this part of my life: i just never thought id find myself in this kind of relationship, i do know that i love him very much, and for now it is a compromise.

My heart has chosen you because you are the one that makes me feel nothing i have ever felt before. A complete and utter bliss i have been missing for a long time. You have filled a void within my heart that cannot be replaced.

It's every girls dream to grow up and find their true prince charming and live in a castle. I find myself at 23 years of age living at home with my mother. Although she is great, and so amazingly supportive of me and tolerant of my moods, i would love more than anything to go out and have a place of my own, and fill it up with my stuff and have a place for me and my man to just be (you and me) you know? It is what i'm supposed to be doing. I'd love even to move in with a friend also. It does make it harder i have a dog but there is no way i would leave her behind. It's all about living at the moment, and it's too expensive to live on my own so until the day comes, we trust in each other, ill be with my mum.

It is what it is. I just don't think its healthy to compare what happened in past relationships to a current relationship and let that be a decider. Past experiences teach us about ourselves and other people and also allow us to not repeat the same mistakes and do things a little wiser. But as the saying goes, we grow a little wiser as we go and i do believe your mindset from 21 to 25 completely changes and grows. Why? Because you experience life.

As Bukowski says, "peace of heart and mind arrive when you accept what is, being born into this strange world and having some satisfaction in leaving it all behind. "

Until my fingers find themselves typing away my thoughts onto this blank page again, JP xx

A not so sweet monday

2013-04-29T22:15:00.002+10:00

It's becoming more of a challenge to write what i'd like to write in this blog without having to be somewhat closed off, so certain people in my life don't find out the truth. Yet, it then just becomes a rock in a hard place and i might as well stop writing because anything i say again about true honesty is automatically going to be criticised by another part of my subconscious mind saying "stop it you hypocrit, you can't say that about ... when you won't even ... and ... then tell them ..." and so it begins: another useless exercise in futility about relationships, love, the journey of the self and so on. Nevertheless, my spine quivers as the silence of my dark room sends a ringing down my left ear and the fingertips of both my hands hit the keys uncontrollably like a puppet on a string. And i'm writing again. Perhaps it's that feeling of release. The release of a myriad of emotion splurging out of me like word vomit on a page, not necessarily making sense but each word inching that one bit closer to a sense of peace and security. Nothing stops me, not even when i feel the urge to stop for one moment and yank my hands away from the keyboard and clench both palms into fists and hold them against my temples, as if some almighty super power has forced me to stop and i stare at a blank page, i can't stop. Clearly, I have a lot of pent up frustrations and i know my mind, body and spirit (if they could speak) would agree in unison i might add, that i would indeed benefit from some regular yoga sessions, perhaps some hypnotherapy, and definitely meditation to let my body breathe and a change of scenery.

Over the past four weeks i've had many urges to write and write but couldn't bring myself to opening up my blogger page and letting my mind go, because that happens ^^^ ie., the word vomit thing. It comes out of me 100 miles an hour and i can't digest it all. I guess you don't digest vomit do you? It just makes you hurl and what you really do with it is wash it away. Start 'a fresh' the next day.

Until the stars fall, and until i can put into words what it is i really want to say, i leave you with this unsteady feeling.

I have unconditional love, hope, and faith. JP xx

Shine a light on me

2013-03-03T23:43:00.000+10:00

The Midnight Special

Sigh. As I throw myself down onto my bed ready to do some reading on working and communicating effectively in health, (another module for studying) I begin to contemplate the feelings I’ve been suppressing about my long distance relationship. I never thought I’d find myself in one, you know, a relationship where your at least 15 hours drive or an hours flight away, but love has a funny way of popping its head up when you least expect it and not always to… I suppose ‘fit’ into your current life. Now don’t get me wrong I am not unhappy in my relationship yet I am unhappy with the ‘distance’ circumstance. I have to really plan when I can see my boyfriend, I can’t just ring him up on a whim and say ‘hey, wanna see a movie tonight?’ and sometimes it gets me down. I know this is just how it is at the moment but I feel our relationship is sort of in a stagnant place because we’ve only been together since September, therefore we grow that little closer together when we see each other and pick up where we left off so to speak. We are in contact via phone whether its calls or texting every day yet you just feel the distance. Frankly, it’s that I miss him and I want that cuddle to sleep sometimes. 3 weeks is a long time not to be with someone your heart misses. Some days are better than others, and then theres days like today… where you just wish the time away because by the time you go to sleep you are one day closer to being together.

People say you can’t make long distance relationships work but the heart wants what the heart wants. We share day-to-day activities between each other that draws a smile to my face. Being apart is hard, but it is also enabling us to continue growing as individuals while still remaining a couple. I still enjoy going out with friends and feel committed in my relationship. I have my new course I’ve gotten into and he has his own things to focus on. Eventually, one or both of us will be able to move so we are closer together but I have realized it has to be a compromise, not a sacrifice. Whether we live apart or together, its important in a relationship to make your partner a part of your life and grow together, not your whole life.

Yes, it's rough being apart, but harping on the negative can take a toll on the relationship. But it’s confirmed; absence really does make the heart grow fonder!

OMG!! I cannot believe its March. MARCH already and so much has happened. I spent a wonderful valentines day with my man in Airlie beach just off Mackay in the pouring rain I add… out boat rafting and snorkeling, set off with a lovely dinner and drinks in our balcony spa. Was so lovely to spend that time together. Just thinking about it now I wish we were back there! Definitely going to have to plan another trip there for winter so the visibility is clearer and I can see more nemos! Secondly, I’m studying my allied health assistance certificate and enjoying learning about the human body structures and functions of those systems. Im hoping to get through the content quite quickly to begin my work placement and obtain a job, so I’m moving forward toward a career instead of feeling like I’m doing nothing and just going through the motions you know.

I’ve just spent a wonderful week with my mum and her friends from England who have come over here for the Australian sun, (unfortunately, its been pissing down with rain for weeks) and so we weren’t able to take them to sightseeing places they would have enjoyed, but we have had a great time singing karaoke, heading out for dinners and enjoying each others company.

I know I don’t write in my blog that much, I always have a lot to say but I’m not sure the best way to say it. I miss some of my girlfriends who I haven’t been in touch with lately, everyone’s so busy with life its hard to catch up.

Nevertheless, the people who want to be in your life will be there no matter what! And today I give myself a pat on the back for looking after number one for a change and doing things for me.

“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” - Joshua J. Marine - See more at: http://addicted2success.com/quotes/37-inspirational-quotes-that-will-change-your-life/#sthash.U5xvCAAi.dpuf

until the stars fall,

JP xxx

I wish

2013-02-19T23:43:00.001+10:00

I wish I was

I wish I were

To build a new

Replace the old

I wish I was

I wish to learn

Asking for but thanks in return

A protégé, a fancy dancer

I wish I was

I wish I were

I wish the world would fall apart

Leaving Nothing around

I wish to start over

I wish I were a fresh bud sown in the spring.

I wish.

2013-02-05T23:13:00.000+10:00

There definitely comes a time in your life when you realise what you want and what you deserve can be two completely different things. A lot of my past experiences have influenced who i am today and shown me what i do and then definitely dont want in life, especially when it comes to relationships. I am far from perfect, and although i am quite happy with a lot of aspects in my life, there is room for improvement in the others. I am trying my best to be positive and take each day as it comes, yet sometimes days can be harder than others. It is hard sometimes to pick yourself up when you feel down. To breakyour thought patterns and be careful not to over analyse and over think things.Also, when you have been hurt in the past or know you did something that hurt someone else at the time, and you catch yourself about to make the same choice.

I know my family and friends accept me for who i am and understand i need my personal space, but sometimes its more comforting and settling to the mind and emotions to be arou

nd people that lo

and appreciate you, instead of being alone.

I usually am a positiveperson who is full of joy and love for life. I guess i enjoy coversation and laughter, and made to feel important in other peoples lives especially with your partner. I find sometimes i say something and get excited about things but the excitment isnt reciprocated. Maybe what i say just isnt that interesting... i mean, maybe im just used to people being a lot more outgoing and excited by my ideas rather than complacent and reserved.

I think my heart just skipped a beat

2012-12-03T14:13:00.002+10:00

Against all odds and against all obstacles, i will strive for a better future for myself.

All we need is a great big imagination, and a few little dreams, a few little goals, someone to love, something to look forward to and a little faith in ourselves that we can do anything, no matter how long it takes to get there. A bit of sunshine, a nice wine, friends that stick by you and keep in contact no matter the road you turn how far away or near you are, a little adventure, a little sacrifice and to compromise - but not so much so that we compromise who we are as a person but so, so that we learn and grow together. Remember to have a little time to unwind, seek the thoughts of the great thinkers to help guide us through their knowledge and wisdom of human life learnt before us, cherish our families, eat chocolate and seek peace and love through all eternity. Think ahead of the times but don't rush through life jumping from one thing to the next, have gratitude and be satisfied, not always wanting for bigger and better things but be satisfied with what you have worked for. Sit back and smell the roses, because experience builds character and you can't take your porsche or your leather lounges with you when you go. Take words of old friends with a grain of salt and listen to your elders, including your mother, because she's right.

Lord Byron once said "for i love not man the less, but nature more."I love the earth and everything the earth brings to us. Our world is a beautiful planet and the people on it more amazing so. I love taking my dog to the park and standing by the river and just looking out over the water and wondering what lies beneath. So much mystery and bull sharks of course. I love taking a stroll through the bush and looking at the trees, plants and flowers and appreciating there natural beauty. I always watch for snakes or birds hoping i'll see something in its own natural environment. Science is a beautiful thing and on my last flight to Rockhampton i picked up a cosmos magazine and i've found such delight in reading up on different things it has to offer. I think i'll have to subscribe to this magazine! Especially when i sit alone in the house in Rocky whilst my boyfriend works, i exercise, stretch and read about science or philosophy. I think this time i need to take some more reading material, and especially take my new laptop.

You know come to think of it i don't think i have the willpower and determination to put my time and energy into my book. Although my story is yearning to be told, deep inside of me, i feel now isn't the right time. I just believe i need a few months to clear my head and leave it for a while. The mass project has begun and the story burns deep within my soul, like flames of a burning fireplace.

I think my heart just skipped a beat. Until the stars fall, JP xx

Follow your dreams.

2012-12-01T14:41:00.001+10:00

OR you will spend the rest of your life working for someone who did.

The very first day of December is here and Christmas is just around the corner. I haven't begun christmas shopping yet, however, there are so many different things to buy people but i don't want to get my family and friends just 'anything' i'd like to get them something special and unique to them that they want. Today is such a beautiful day, so beautiful, like diamonds in the sky. I am shining bright and living a happier, healthier life. The sun is shining and although the heat is making me feel tired and lethargic, im enjoying my saturday watching House Husbands and relaxing after a night out last night. I went to the bakery and bought my usual toasted ciabatta with egg, cheese and tomato (a little naughty and not too healthy) but it was breakfast! Since then i've been guzzling down the water and it looks like ill be doing my coconut detox tomorrow too. I've just begun taking my contraceptive pill again, hoping that it will help regulate my body and help with my skin. I've been back on it for a week and am feeling sluggish and bloated but hopefully it will pass soon and i can settle into a normal routine, without feeling excessively bigger than what i am. I bought a little something for a few special people in my life and hope they like their little gifts. You know, i love surprises and when i walked up the street a few days earlier and to my delight one of my neighbours has planted about 16 sunflowers of which 5 were blooming open and facing the sun. Today, they are all open and what a site to see. I absolutely love sunflowers, with their big bright faces constantly turning to face where the sun is shining down its beautiful rays. For those who know me, this would draw the biggest of smiles across my face, as sunflowers remind me to be positive. In a world of 'busy' with things constantly on the move, it's nice to stand still for a moment and enjoy something that makes you smile so much. Lately, i've been stretching more and doing yoga for myself (especially when in Rockhampton). I am yet to find a yoga class i enjoy up there also, however, i really enjoy spending the days to myself and doing my own thing, clearing my head and pruning it of negative thought processes. A session of yoga helps me to regain my focus as it's often hard to slow down your mind. I like to meditate for about 15 minutes afterward to truly relax and gain composure of myself and let myself go in my surroundings.

Today is the first day to following my dreams. I dream to live a life of love, happiness and joy as i move through the different stages of my being and learn more about myself and my development cognitively, biologically and psychosocially. During my second semester of university last year i was fortunate enough to study 'Developmental Psychology.' This was my favourite subject of my degree, bypassing even my second favourite subject 'Cultural and Ethical Values' - where we studied philosophy and the great thinkers from ancient to modern times. Developmental psychology taught me about human development from 'womb' to 'tomb' and opened up my eyes, my mind and my soul to why i am the person i am today. From my upbringing through childhood, the way i was parented and through the different child attachments i had, and of course the 'nature' vs 'nurture' debate this subject gave me a clearer view on why i react the way i do to certain things and the reasons i am who i am. If there was one subject i believe all children should study in high school to a certain extent it is 'Developmental Psychology.' Although my degree is finished, i haven't learnt the skills nor do i have the knowledge needed to continue down the path i wish to follow. Therefore, in the new year i will begin to study once more. Subjects such as emotional intelligence will be on the agenda for outside of class time, but in terms of a degree i am looking into a Bachelor of Health Sciences (naturopathy) with the Endeavour College of Natural Health. Naturopathy is something i have wanted to study for a long time and whilst studying this i can also learn massage and remedial massage as it's all part of the bodies natural healing processes. Already from my dancing and what i learnt in my short period studying massage for two and half weeks i learnt that this is something i very much so want to do. I can see myself in 5 years being an accredited Naturopath and Massage Therapist embarking on starting my own business to help others heal. Human beings always dream and yearn for something more. I've still got a lot of researching, phone calls and visits to make regarding my degree and when i will be studying .
The new year has a lot of exciting opportunities and i cannot wait to see where my relationship takes me. Although his family is from Gympie and mine from the Gold Coast, we can work it out and that we will. When i met him, i didn't realise how important he would be to me, and quite frankly i was scared of being in a relationship because meeting him was completely unexpected and out of the blue and with everything going on with me internally i wasn't ready for it. Nevertheless they say things happen for a reason and when your ex says 'you'll never find anyone like me' you respond with 'that's the point.' Human beings need to share their lives with someone who is supportive and believes in you no matter what. They listen to you and take notice to how you are feeling and want to talk and share things with you. It gets a little hard sometimes because i'm never completely settled whilst i'm in Rocky but life is a little unsettling at the best of times.

I still can't get over the fact its december already. Im off to enjoy the peace and serenity of an afternoon kip. Until the stars fall or the end of the world is near, JP x

A Happy, Healthier Me

2012-11-29T21:32:00.001+10:00

Always putting my positivity forward, i've come to realise there are better ways to live a happier, healthier life. Put simply, i haven't been trying to do anything exceptionally different and it's been so easy. I've been doing the tried and true steps towards living a fulfilling and happier life such as drinking plenty of water, soaking up the sunshine and allowing my body to receive the vitamin D it needs, reading a little more, eating fruit, exercising at least 30minutes a day and stretching. Although these are simple steps and what i've been doing regularly, most of all i've learnt how to relax and enjoy the company of ones self. Throughout my life i've always been busy doing one thing or the other, going here there and everywhere, and not giving myself sufficient time to relax and let my mind slow down and really be aware of my thoughts. I danced for 12 years doing ballet, jazz, tap, contemporary, modern and pointe. I attended dance classes 5 or 6 days a week and competed in eisteddfods each weekend. I studied and kept up to date with my schoolwork completing homework and working on assignments till late at night or in between my dance classes whilst chowing down some Hungry Jacks (yes, even though we were dancers, we weren't always the healthiest, but mostly, we were.) At about 15 years old i lessened the amount of dance classes i attended and turned my focus onto my school work. I changed schools and left Helensvale State High School for Coombabah State High School half way through grade 11 and didn't regret this decision ever since. I needed a change of scenery and a change of people to surround myself with. As school was finishing up, I lessened dancing once more and discontinued ballet and jazz classes, instead replacing them with Modern Jive partner dancing classes, and spent my week of Schoolies 2006 dancing and enjoying learning everything i could about partner dancing, dreaming of competing in the Modern Jive dance championships. After four weeks off from year 12 i began studying a full time degree at Bond University here on the Gold Coast. I completed four semesters but during my second semester studying i was hit with Influenza A, which made it's nasty way into my tonsils and stayed there ever since giving me Chronic Tonsillitis for 2 years. A strain of Glandular Fever also made its way into my bloodstream and i became exhausted and fatigued and could no longer focus on studying. I thought i wanted to be in the film industry and i thought studying a Bachelor of Film and Television would be everything i dreamed it would be. Instead, studying film took the passion and love i had for it out of me and replaced it with hatred. I couldn't stand anything to do with film and photography and i didn't want anything to do with it, i found it was a mere hobby. I met a lot of amazing people through that time at Bond and it taught me a lot about myself and the person i wanted to become.

After deferring from my degree i decided i needed some life experience and to take a break from studying because it seemed it was all i did, so I applied for a job at Seaworld as a Ride Attendant, and later began filming the dolphin and seal swim adventure programs, taking photos of guests hand feeding stingrays, cleaning and conducting resort tours as a guide. It was definitely an experience unlike any other, and never did i once think that my uniform everyday would consist of board shorts and a rash vest and i would be immersed in water surround by a dolphin or two with a camera in my hand. A handful of my friends finished their film degrees and struggled to get jobs where they wanted to be, and here i was with a camera in my hand filming everyday as a job. It was truly an amazing experience and i'll always remember the people that touched my life whilst i was there and helped me through some sad times. It pained me to find out someone i thought very highly of ended his own life last year who i met during my time there. He really touched me and helped me out through a variety of situations and circumstances, offering advice and a hug and to say everything would be okay, and it saddened me to hear the news because i didn't see the pain he was going through himself. R.I.P Decka, you were always so strong. I'm always thinking of you mate. As i've said earlier, grief is like the ocean, its bigger and deeper than all of us and sometimes you just don't realise how deep of a hole someone has dug into their own mind, when that is their only way out.

After a few years at Seaworld and a conversation with my half brother Israel, who made me realise it wasn't too late to finish my degree i went back to Bond, changed my degree to an Arts Degree majoring in Film and Television and completed it within the year, graduating in February 2012. Whilst completing my degree i dabbled in different subject areas such as Journalism, Business, Psychology, Technology and Human Biology to get a real feel for what i wanted to do the next year. Slowly too my health plummeted until finally i succumbed to an awful viral infection and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome which some doctors referred to as Chronic Fatigue. I couldn't attend my graduation because it was impossible for me to get up off the couch for more than half an hour without aching so much i had to go back to sleep or at least lay down again. Nevertheless, Bond posted out my certificate in the mail and i raised a glass to myself and said 'woo hoo.' In February this year I begun a Certificate of Swedish Massage, but had to drop out of it within two and a half weeks because it was impossible to get up out of bed and make it out the door without wanting to fall asleep. I lacked the energy i needed to live out a normal day. As a last hope of getting better after weeks of no improvement, i booked into a Naturopath and bought my mum for moral support. During my consultation tears fell down my cheeks as i felt at wits end for losing so much energy and motivation for general daily activities let alone my massage course and dancing. It was such a shock to me, and my mind to go from being so incredibly busy with always something to do, to not being able to complete a simple task like make a sandwich without being in pain. My body ached, and my mind yearned to learn and seeked the knowledge to get better. Basically, i needed to rest, and i needed to get my immune system fighting because it didn't want to fight anymore. I had to drop out of my massage course, drop any kind of studying i wanted to do, drop dancing and not go anywhere or do anything fun. I had to rest. I pushed away my friends and family and became quite reserved and secluded. After 7 months of naturopathic consultations and rest i finally became better and now it feels like that part of my life is just a page of history that i would like not to repeat itself. I feel as though my year only began in August as i turned 23 years of age and met my wonderful boyfriend in Rockhampton of all places. I feel we found love in a hopeless place.

The past few months i have still struggled to keep a positive outlook on my future as the stresses and struggles of everyday life and others putting their pressure onto you can get you down, however, i feel if i take each day as it comes and open up my heart and my mind to new experiences, things will fall into place. Sometimes you get lucky and the universe delivers the perfect solution. For me, i feel my heart and soul yearn for something more. They yearn for peace and knowledge. After being so unwell i feel a lot of people in this life take their health for granted, and take for granted what the world has given us to enjoy in return. Not only beautiful places, animals, herbs, plants, vitamins and minerals to keep us healthy and active, but beautiful people also. You just need to pick off the thorns and you'll reach a rose eventually. The past few months i've established some beautiful friendships with people i don't know how i ever lived without. I've also come to terms with the fact that some people will never change and only want to get in contact with you when they need your support, or a shoulder to cry on, or some advice. Well, frankly, i don't care anymore and i'm doing some pruning of my own. This christmas has a lot of wonders in store, but as long as i'm surrounded by my family that's all that matters. I have no plans for christmas, and no plans for New Years, but considering the vast change of energies about to occur and the lining of the stars and planets i'd like to do something big. Last new years was a write off as i began to get sick, vomited and was in bed by 10:30pm whilst the rest of my family celebrated the fireworks at Federation Square in Melbourne. Nevertheless, i would love a new years kiss to bring in 2013 and start the year of with love, passion and excitement. I have a big year ahead and with only a few weeks to christmas theres a lot of research and planning i need to do. One things for sure, a happier, healthier me is here and here to stay, for good.

Until the stars fall, peace and love for all eternity,

JP xx

PS: i love you

Just me, it's all i can be.

2012-11-01T00:17:00.000+10:00

The alternative is to think backwards and that's just remembering. Life can get a little messy at the best of times, yet that's what living is. For someone who was struggling to get out of bed for months on end to face the day, this girl you see above is feeling pretty damn good about things and will happily jump out of bed to face the day as long as it's after 9am (we all need our beauty sleep). Its the first day of November and in another week i'll be jet setting back to Rockhampton to see my wonderful boyfriend and two beautiful friends of mine whom i feel so grateful are finally in my life. Isn't it funny how we go through so many stages in our lives of friends coming and going, jobs, relationships and what not and then you finally become friends with someone and it makes you wonder how you ever lived without them. This is how i feel about a special girlfriend of mine. Like two peas in a pod we seem to just fit together. It's nice to meet someone who is so supportive and appreciative who just gets you, with one look or statement they know instantly what you are thinking, whats wrong and what you need to do about it... Or sit up and chat with you no matter what day it is and just have a massive d&m filled evening hosted by a bunch of giggles. Secondly, i feel so grateful to have met my boyfriend up in Rockhampton, for now he is the only reason i need to be up there. He is so supportive of who i am and makes me feel like i can do or say anything and its okay to just be me. Im really missing him at the moment but the time apart does go quickly, and it helps me appreciate the time i do get to spend with him. Although i am so very slack in the blogging department (which i do apologise for) things will improve when i buy an internet stick so i can write and work on things up in Rockhampton instead of watching Underbelly and Big Bang Theory (i really do need to be a little more productive). It's just that sometimes its nice to take a break from things and really leave my mind open to new trains of thoughts and possible changes in thought patterns without writing them down. I might feel a certain way one minute, then half an hour later when i've really thought about it i change my mind. Ridonkulous! Thoughts are a little ridonkulous sometimes. You know when you have a simple thought about something, then you think 'shit, why did i even think that, gee i'm a loser'? I don't believe our thoughts follow any particular patterns and i wonder at times how certain thoughts even get into my brain! Nevertheless, at least they keep us on our toes and keep our minds entertained. One man band BOOM.

You know, so many people i know have a plan of what their lives should be like or will be like if 'such and such happens' or what they would do 'if this happened,' i just feel i shouldn't have a definitive plan right now, but take each day as it comes. I have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do next year and as much as i've racked my brain and wished more than once that i knew what i wanted to do with myself, all i know is, i want to be healthy and happy with who i am as a person and continue to cultivate the amazing friendships i have and grow in my relationship. Now i don't think that's too much to ask. The first step? My coconut detox 48hr cleanse. Mission accepted!

Until the stars fall,

JP xx

A little late posting but here nonetheless

2012-10-04T16:59:00.001+10:00

Thursday 13^th September 2012

“If you like it then you should have put a ring on it” Well it’s just one of those days with plenty of sunshine to help clear the mind. I’m sitting outside alone, but not lonely, soaking up the warmth of the sunshine with only a pink and black g-string to cover. I’ve lathered my body up in sunscreen and wearing my maui jim sunnies to protect the little freckle below my eye lid. I’m set up on two deck chairs and listening to Girl Talk ‘All DAY’ album. I love how music reminds you of certain people in your life you’ve met and this album brings me back to spending time in the surf, sex and sun of Byron Bay. So last night had an interesting turn of events. After landing in Rockhampton for perhaps the 5^th time (honestly i can’t remember now) I was so excited to just drop my bags off, have my nails redone at Top Spa and Nail at Stocklands and head back to the house so I could get ready for my dinner date at Nandos. How good is Nandos, I love chicken. “Chicken wing, chicken wing, pizza and bologna, chicken and macaroni chillin’ with my homies” would chime my 9-year-old cousin at the sound of me saying ‘chicken.’ Gosh I miss her so much. She is like the little sister I never had and seeing her makes my heart melt, I love her to pieces.

Today finds my thoughts tracing through a soul vacation – Like Trains Drops of Jupiter song It feels like I “sailed across the sun and made it to the milky way.” The wind sweeps us off our feet in all sorts of directions and today showed me that last night was everything I was looking for because when you have that feeling of contentment and that things fall together creating their own little puzzle, it’s just nice. Now this isn’t about the places I’ve been to or where I’ve gone, it’s about you and you know, the best of my friends always being there for me, even though I don’t necessarily see them. Also my family providing the support needed for my decisions and then there’s me dancing along the footpath singing a lullaby and sipping a soy latte, but falling back to you. Although I know my mum is going to miss me whilst I’m here in Rockhampton, and worries about me being sick all the time, I know that everything will be okay. It’s taking its time but with a little patience, things will look up and they are. Out of the ups and downs and wondering if I’m lost or found, the anxiety attacks, asthma, not feeling comfortable in social situations or walking around a shopping centre along with the feelings of self consciousness I’ve felt the past few months all under an umbrella of insecurity there is always a positive side. Things always turn back around and hope shines through. I know that I’ve been depressed for a few months with outside stimuli influencing the way I feel it almost felt out of my control and most of it was which my ex boyfriend actually helped me make myself more aware of this. Just one message he sent me which stated what he’d been through and how a lot of it was out of his control, I realized I was in the same boat. It seems we go through life and put up a fight with ourselves and deny certain ways we are feeling, suppressing certain emotions depending on the people we surround ourselves with, because we don’t want to look weak and vulnerable. In these situations we have to remember that we aren’t the only ones feeling this way and at some point in their life they’ve probably been through the same thing or maybe have been worse off than you. Everyone needs a little respect and a little time and sometimes, the day just doesn’t go in your favour but we have all been there.

Today is a different story. It’s better and things are going to work somehow. There’s someone on the gold coast I used to really care about but all the more I thought about it I realized it really wasn’t worth thinking about and although I lost my nerve and lost my way with it all last year, I have learnt so much about who I am, what I want and what I deserve which will happen in it’s own time. We always strive for something more but this was different and there’s nothing left for me to say except that I want him to be happy. I sent him a message not long ago that I didn’t want him to reply to that simply said I really missed him, although we had a good conversation on the phone Monday as I wished him a happy birthday I feel so content with my decision and his new beginning and I’m ready to accept my new journey (whatever that is and wherever it takes me).

Up here in Rocky I have met a really lovely person whom I find so easy and comfortable to be around. The conversation tends to pick up where it left off, I smile constantly, can be a little shy and then I have the most dorky nervous giggle that gets me through. I’m a little apprehensive about meeting someone new but when it’s so easy and feels the way it does there’s definitely no ignoring it. He really took care of me last night, which my mum was so thankful for considering I broke down and had an anxiety attack and she’s on the Gold Coast unable to do much but offer her thoughts. I managed to get some sleep although I was a little restless I just felt worse for him because he had to get up and go to work early this morning. I’m really looking forward to spending the weekend in Yeppoon with him next weekend by the beach. It’s like a mini holiday on my short holiday. At the time being we are just focusing on our friendship and ourselves but as they say one thing leads to another and you know what I like kissing him like you kiss before you have sex.

Until the stars fall!

Jodie Pamela (JP) xx

Not just a boring sack of flesh!!

2012-09-06T00:23:00.001+10:00

Well at least im living A LIFE.

So its just past midnight and im sipping my camomile tea about to take a restavit planning on having a decent nights sleep! Although at times you know i feel like i wake up and i've been running a marathon at the rate my dreams go. There full of surprises and miraculous adventures i can tell you now, and nonetheless. It's like i jump from different continents and become ten different people. To what excitement will my dreams hold tonight? I can only imagine. I am imagination so dream a little dream.

Well, i woke up this morning and realised i should get my va jay jay zapped for a hair removal treatment, le eyebrows waxed and a new fringe cut - looks like im on my way to being summer ready! Now all i need is a new bikini, cancel my gym membership and take a cruise on my new bicycle. I don't need a gym to exercise as im a lot more motivated by myself and being able to just get out in the open and do my own thing excites me a hell of a lot more. I chilled out for the most part of the day, listened to sum 41 and eric clapton (random i know) completed a quarter of the elephant puzzle, walked the dog, watched neighbours and figured out what im going to paint next. I am missing Rockhampton. I sigh at the thought of this. I never meant to meet anyone than a young lad tattooed up from Gympie steps into my rear view mirror so to speak and objects in the mirror are closer than they appear and now i just can't get enough. If i could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. Better put on my sunscreen (you to mister 'i wear a long sleeve shirt!') Im off to the beach tomorrow afternoon with my dad and the dog and whoever else wants to come, as the weather is just beautiful and im keen for some sunshine, exercise and a hit of vitamin d.

Rocky has turned out to be even better than i thought. Thank you Brisbane Electrical, im off to la la land to ride a big jet plane and im not coming back! (not for a few hours, please, we have tales to travel upon)

Until the stars fall, i cherish the thought,

JP xx

PS: a kiss is a peculiar proposition... and proposition me you did!

I think i've had enough

2012-09-03T16:03:00.001+10:00

I think i've finally had enough and the saying "Life is long if you know how to use it, springs to mind, well okay Seneca, you've got me again. We live our lives each day wanting more and more. It's not that we aren't satisfied with what we have, we yearn for peace, love and adventure. I love the ambitious nature humans hold - without it we wouldn't be where we are today. The technological advances in our society would cease to be but a dream. As human beings we live and learn, make mistakes and justify our actions, or why a person treats you the way they do. We sleep either too much or not enough and let peoples negative comments take a hold of us and bring us down. We forget that each of us have our own stories, our own little dark secrets we hide from others. At times, these secrets creep up on you in the most unexpected ways and you share them without even thinking to your surprise or dismay. Maybe you weren't over it as much as you thought or perhaps you just needed to share it, to show that person you've also been in the same situation and empathise with them. It's amazing how differently people act to the same secret you hold. For me i was devastated and hurt. My heart ached and i wasn't right for a few months even though i'd made the right decision, where as another person in the same situation merely blurts it out without a thought of who was around her like she was spitting on the pavement.

I believe we should all be a little more sensitive and give people the space they desire. I've just spent a good few weeks up in Rockhampton writing, sleeping, shopping and drinking cocktails. I met a few interesting folk nonetheless (country towns - gotta love the country folk). I saw a few faces i met last time and tried to focus on myself. I must admit, i got a little bored at times and missed my family and friends. Its not that i wanted to come home, i just wanted to see the faces of people that know me through and through and of course my little dog Jenna. Im lucky to have the friends in my life that i do, that noticed when i was down. Even though i felt miles away just a few simple messages and phone calls picked me right back up. Now i'm home, im missing Rockhampton, or at least whats in Rocky. On my last day a friend took me to Nandos (because who doesn't love nandos?) and then we went for a drive out to Yeppoon to the beach. I didn't realise it before but the beach was closer than i thought. For the first day of Spring, the weather couldn't have been better, it was so nice, and the company made my day.. Its nice to go to another town and meet new people that you get along with that don't really live so far away from your own home. Ah the serenity of good food and such a pretty beach. It got me wondering, why stress over the people that don't care about you in the same way? Forget it, i say.

IT KIND OF SUCKED having to come home for i really enjoy his company. I guess i have other reasons to go to Rocky now. I think i've definitely had enough of people who are constantly trying to prove themselves that they are 'cool'. Open your eyes and look in the mirror, whats behind all the make up? Honestly, it drives me up the wall when people give you unwarranted opinions and try and tell you how to live your life when they've only just met you. Anyway, this is just something short for i have a puzzle to get back to and headache pills to take. Until the stars fall, ignorance is bliss.

JP

29/08/12

2012-09-02T16:26:00.001+10:00

29/08/12

How do we do? – Good morning world it’s a brand new day.

How do we do today? It seems like a fairly straightforward question, yet when asked all I can muster is a simple ‘okay.’ The personal calling me on the other line knows better. They know for a fact I’m not doing too well, otherwise I would brightly chime in with a ‘yeah I’m good, how are you?’ without a moments silence. Forgive me, I’m hopeful.

Where am I? Who am I? As human beings we are so ambitious. It may seem a little played out but no matter how you get there life has a way of finding you. I’m in Rockhampton hanging out, writing (a lot) and doing my own thing. I got my nails done yesterday, went shopping, saw the movie ‘The Campaign’ with a few friends and stayed up all night contemplating the subtleties of human existence, or watching One Tree Hill and Breaking Bad as matter of fact. Against all odds and against all obstacles human beings find a way. We are so ambitious, we spend the most part wanting, wishing and dreaming, and as long as we do it with a bit of integrity, and don’t let the failures diminish our spirit we get there in the end.

The phone rang and I dreamt I was in my room. Somewhere in the world a child Is being born, whilst another is losing their will to live. I’ve been reading some of Bukowskis poetry and prose on the verandah in the afternoons to let the time pass by as I wrote my own words and thoughts and dream of being at home.

In his poem ‘Mind and Heart’ he writes “peace of mind and heart arrives when we accept what is: having been born into this strange life we must accept the wasted gamble of our days and take some satisfaction in the pleasure of leaving it all behind. Cry not for me. Grieve not for me. Read what I’ve written then forget it all. Drink from the well of your self and begin again.” I sit on this single bed sucking on a lollipop noticing how I’m feeling. It’s really hot in here and all I want to do is write. I’m ready to come home but a whole part of me wants to stay away. Although some people are missing me so I better go home for a little while and see some friendly faces.

Bruises slowly fading

2012-08-28T03:31:00.003+10:00

I find myself sitting alone on the verandah out in the crisp air with only the moonlight, to help brighten up this night. I don’t know what to believe anymore; except for that I know what I am doing is right. I find myself in a deep, dark place contemplating as my fingers hover above the keyboard keys, each shake tingling my hands as if controlled by a master musician, a puppeteer on string, crafting this clever plan, misguiding me and allowing me to fall deeper in this hole. If only I had no emotion. Give me a blank slate and spare me from your pretentious tidings. Show me what I mean to you and be the person I know you can be because I’ve seen it. I’m tired of silly games; late night text messaging and facebook poke after facebook poke. I was here and am here but for what? You know, I ask myself this question each evening before I close my eyes to sleep. How frustrating it is, when all you want to do is hear from the one person who knows they will make you smile if they text and say ‘I care’, yet you never get the memo. You always seem to hear from everyone else, or past interests/flings, ex partners, old friends and never the person you’d most like to hear from. If only they knew the power one simple message could do. I’m glad I’m not at home although I am missing my mum and my beautiful dog, oh and of course not to forget a few of my best girl friends. There’s been many a struggles I’ve endured and through thick and thin they’ve shown me the respect and decency, offered their honest opinion (whether I like it or not) and been there with open arms for comfort. I’m a big girl and I can handle it when I make the wrong choices and steer down the wrong path. Right now, I wish I could turn off my emotions and turn off my mind. Im not in my own bed and my own space but im in another city with the same old tired and weary face. I feel like I’ve wasted my time in supporting a friend I really care about. Why do I care so much when I’m not offered any kind of support myself, or even a phone call or text message yet I hear how they’re doing from somebody else. Quite frankly, I’d rather have not known.

Shrug it off cos’ shit aint worth it. I need to sleep. These late nights are doing my head in. The headaches are continuing and the bruises slowly fading.

Sing for a Moment

2012-08-20T23:28:00.002+10:00

“…and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart, I carry your heart, (I carry it in my heart).” E.E. Cummings.

Of the many different quotes you find on websites about life, love, relationships, emotions, integrity, feelings and the list goes on, this one has stuck with me since I was 15 years old. Edward Estlin Cummings was a writer, a poet, and an artist. He wrote a poem titled “I carry your heart” and ever since I read it, the words have struck an endless chord not only in my heart but my mind about my family and friends and the people or animal that have meant something to me in my life. It reminds me to be thankful and grateful for the people you have in your life, and the animals you have the opportunity to love and care for, the people and animals that light up every second of the day as the thought of them sweeps through your mind.

I’ve been spending quite a lot of time alone lately and with two of my beautiful girlfriends. It’s so hard sometimes in the busyness of life to get a spare moment to yourself or with your friends to truly relax and unwind, and since I won’t be here for a while I need to see them. Right now I feel I’m on a journey to finding more about what I truly love and myself. Life has been love and loss yet an enlightening journey nonetheless and since it’s August already of 2012 I’m being selfish and doing more for me. When you have one shot and one opportunity you need to capture it, and not let it slip away. I’m trying my best with whatever comes my way, meeting new people, working on my book (now that’s always fun) and being less cautious and losing myself. There are always going to be good and bad days, that’s just how it goes so I’m trying to just go with it and not worry so much about things I cannot change or do anything about. I can be reckless at times, (I’m getting better as everything settles down) yet I figure no one really actually gives a shit about what you do, where you come from and who you’re going to be – I mean success is the only option but to me there are different kinds of success, and everyone’s own interpretation of what it means to be successful is different. Although things aren’t the greatest, I’m not always content with what I’m doing and I flip out and get anxious and have a panic attack in the middle of the shopping centre, I am pretty happy with how my life is going but I feel something is missing. Not to worry though, it is a journey and the next few weeks it will be nice to just be somewhere different and do some different things a little out of the ordinary with new people. Strangers are just friends waiting to happen, and ps: $10 cocktails im in love and pretending I’m a pilot in a big jet plane, well that’s a given, I love flying if only I could be in the aviation industry.

Until the stars fall…

I told you I had to let go and when you have time to yourself its always a time to reflect and give yourself some clarity in your thoughts and regroup. Sometimes I just want to hold you, it’s been well over a year but I still feel the same and I know time will heal the scars left from you. Forward is the only direction from here yet it feels like I’m sitting on a train seat going backward as the train moves forward but everything rushes past you. There is no ordinary world, for the world was built to develop character. My imagination, oh what mysteries will you conjure, what stories will you tell? Shed light upon this darkened night and release me oh please tell me of the beauty for I see a better face, show me how to dream and discover my magical place..

JP XX

Early morning wonders

2012-08-14T01:51:00.001+10:00

When you are feeling down, do not sit there and swallow yourself up in your own pity and cry a pity party inviting all but one - you. Don't compare yourself to other people because you're creating you're skewed perceptions and assumptions about a reality you know nothing of, but merely fantasised about in your own head. Welcome, to an early tuesday morning rant.

It's not like you ever imagine your life to be bad and strive for the worst case scenario, sometimes it just happens. On the flip side, it's not like you imagine everything will fall into place and you don't have a worry in the world. I guess this whole 'living each day as it comes' thing really does you wonders. You never know what a new day will bring, the people you'll meet and what you will get up to. I had a quiet day trying to figure out what on earth i'm going to do with the painting i stuffed up... oh creative mind i need you! Please don't fail me now. Nevertheless, i did some location scouting for my photo shoot next week, researched into my tattoo design ideas, worked on a puzzle, had a luscious roast lamb and veggies for dinner my brother cooked, saw a friend and had a laugh watching family guy and yet again received more inspiration for my novel. Everywhere i go and in everything i do lately these ideas rapidly race through my mind and i quickly grab out my phone, take a snapshot of where i am, jot down some notes in my memo folder or put pen to paper in an exercise book i carry around. Sometimes ideas come from a simple image of something, a car, or the way a person smells and what they say, or even a certain colour. Red is the inspiration for today. I love the feeling of having ideas and being creative again and not feeling pressured to create something on a deadline, like with university projects and assignments, they were always by the deadline where as with my novel its self paced and all my own. I wrote some scenes last night till early hours of the morning, i could have almost watched the sun rise, but tonight i'll have to get some zzz's eventually. They say beauty is only skin deep and ugly goes clean to the bone, and dam right you don't want to be on the end of a woman who hasn't had enough sleep. (Sorry mum). I don't mean to be a moody bitch it just spills out of me and unfortunately my family seem to be the ones at the end of it since i live with them. I blame my hormones, there a little all over the place but im learning to work with them and take it in my stride.

I just noticed this peculiar feeling. A few butterflies fluttering around in my tummy, but very happy ones. I'm feeling so relaxed and at ease that i finally feel myself moving forward. Last night as i wrote down scenes for the book there were a few feelings of doubt and uncertainty, apprehension and naivety of regretful feelings (if that makes sense, it is quite early in the morning) that i brought to the surface. I had a few tears in my eyes writing a certain scene that struck a chord deep in my hearts wounds. I figured though, i have a story to tell and share with the world and this is the way i'd like to do it. Sure, i have my paintings, my poetry and prose and filmmaking capabilities yet this just feels right. Finding the right way to express your emotions and your story can also be a process. There are many different ways we can express our uniqueness and individuality - who we are as human beings and i believe writing is for me. I want to write out of my hurt and how to make this hurt okay, because i know i'm not the only person who has ever felt this way. For my novel: the truth about what happened between Alex and Taylor. How much it hurt her not to tell him the truth and how each day passes by and she wonders what could have been and what his reaction would have been. The biggest and hardest decision, she grew up instantly. The thoughts that ran through her mind ticked over like a time bomb. Her chest sunk in, she fell to her knees onto the cold, hard floor and balled her eyes out, tears streamed down the sides of her cheeks, worry filled her heart and a sickness enveloped her stomach and created a gaping hole. She didn’t know what to feel except that it wasn’t how she wanted it or imagined it to be. Writing is one of those things where the experiences that have happened to you create a grounding of where to start. Write what you know, they say. It's not as easy as it seems. I always think you know about the difference between men and women. Women talk about their emotions and go through the motions of dealing through things with their words. They focus on it, how it made them feel, why this and that happened and so on and then put it into their emotional vault and seal it away never to resurface again, or at least if it does, it simply becomes a memory but the agony and hurt felt at the time doesn't rekindle. Men deal with their emotions differently. Our emotional state often dictates how we behave. Men and women may handle emotions in quite different ways. From what i gather from experiences, men sort of hide their emotions and withdraw because they feel the need to be self-reliant of their family and their loved ones. No wonder men are from mars and women are from venus, because we really are different creatures and handle things in our own unique ways. Neither is better nor worse. Having to bring old memories to the surface for the books sake and for different characters, its kind of interesting to note how i've dealt with those past experiences and if i truly have moved on or not. Even though emotions such as anger and fear aren't as readily accepted in society, it is perfectly normal to feel those things and basically apart of being human. I'm happy that i have experienced a whirlwind of emotions i can delve back into and bring them to light. Nobody's perfect, it's time we be real.

I have a lot of exciting things to look forward to in the upcoming weeks therefore a positive mindset and my health (that of which i must stay on top of if i want to get anywhere) is a must. I have a few photo shoots, appointments i'm dealing with before summer hits, purchasing a new bike and embarking on a road trip up the north coast to Townsville. Im looking forward to getting the camera out and being in front of it, and behind it once again. Now, i do realise my blogs are a little 'here' and 'there' but amongst writing and developing my book i will aim to focus on my blog a lot more.

My thought for the week this week leads me to Aristotle and his discussions on Morality and Happiness.

Like Plato, Aristotle believes that the 'good of the many, outweigh the good of the few.' Amidst living in a completely different society where technology seems to rule the roost i still believe this to be true, however, one must take care of the individual (yourself) and when lots of people take care of themselves, then the good of the many will outweigh the few who don't look after themselves. I like to read philosophy and the view of those before our time, because the thoughts of the great thinkers still hold so much relativity in today's society. Nevertheless, happiness is sometimes but a tear drop away.

Aristotle believes that living involves activity motivated by desire, and pleasure follows successful activity. Here, here to that!

until the stars fall... jp x

A simple rant

2012-08-12T22:27:00.003+10:00

Sometimes even the best laid plans fall apart so i'm taking each day as it comes and enjoying having a break and you know what, every now and then you get lucky and the universe delivers the perfect solution.

For now, this i promise to myself.In the busyness of life i promise to slow down... Live in the moment. Breathe. Kick my heels up. Remember my dreams. Smile. Eat chocolate and let it melt in my mouth slowly. Dance in the moon light and look up to the stars. Love with all of my heart. Be true to myself. Meditate...think only health and happiness. Laugh out loud. Let no one break my spirit.
BELIEVE everything is possible and never, ever give up. ♥♥

Well after a splendid day of drinking champagne and dancing on the table (okay next to the table) i'm sitting here on my bed looking at the paintings on my wall i have recently hung and wondering what's missing. I contemplate for a moment pulling everything down and starting again. Hmm.. no thats not a good idea at all, because although my room doesn't quite have the finished coherence just yet, i like it as it is. It describes my personality and how i'm feeling to a tee right now. Nothing quite like the feeling of an all over the place 'up in the air' type of look where things aren't gelling together. I have a silvery metallic bedspread with a black flower design over it, photographs of sunflowers, dream catchers large and small, a medium sized mirror on my wall with a small bird etching. Theres a banner that dangles lightly from the ceiling with seven pictures of the crescent moon designs falling in sections below it, made in Indonesia. Below the banner i have hung a few of the paintings i've painted recently. To be honest, i have no idea if they are good or not, however, i've received some great compliments so far, i guess i need an expert opinion. I have two vases with flowers in them, teddy bears from the 'me to you' teddy bear collection sitting on my dresser, along with candles, framed photographs and bracelets. A small trinket box with an elephant handcrafted on the top from my best friend from Bali sits next to my Vera Wang Rock Princess perfume, of which i have just added the Calvin Klein Euphoria, Eternity Moments (my three favourites for this month). There is a beautifully handwoven lamp that sits in the corner with a simple banner above it - the definition of wisdom written over it with a purple background. Wisdom: knowledge, intuition and experience combine to guide us in thought and deed. Slowly i've been redecorating my room to make it feel more homely. I bought a black and white shaggy rug to sit on the floor next to my bed, but since it was a cheaper rug i bought from K mart, the dye from the rug seeps through onto the carpet as the damp rises from the surface beneath. Unlucky. I'm going to give the rug away and purchase one with a backing underneath. Anyway, my room denotes a sense of soul searching. As each day passes i look in the mirror and say to myself 'one day at a time.' I'm expecting nothing and appreciating everything. In terms of what i have in this world, how lucky i am to have grown up and achieved what i have. How lucky and grateful i am to have a family that cares for me how they do, even though we don't always show it, i believe we are always in each others thoughts. I've dealt through my own battles and difficult decisions with their own negative repercussions, ones you just move forward from but never forget. I've made my way through a field of sunflowers, arms open wide looking into the sun with positivity, admiration and dedication to achieve my goals. I've also set myself up for failure and deliberately ruined things on purpose. I've broken a heart or two and had my heart broken, and passed up opportunities to be a better person and let it fly right by me, but all of these things i've done have made me who i am today and i won't sit there and tell someone i don't like myself, and that im not proud of me. There are things i look back on in my life and say to myself 'well, i shouldn't have done that, and who knows what could have happened if this went this way and blah blah blah.' We cannot live our lives in a world of if's, buts and maybes, but we can look back on what we did and how we reacted to those situations we were thrown into and make a conscious decision not to make the same mistake again, walk down a new road, take the next train, slow down, breathe and for gods sake drink some rum and not give a dam.

I believe that we live in such a fast paced world, its like we don't know how to relax, but if you relax too much, you are lazy and unmotivated, if you work and run yourself ragged you don't take care of yourself enough. We can't win, yet i believe if you are happy to simply sit there and watch the world go by then so what. If you are happy to throw yourself into your work (for i don't know why!). Enjoy it. Life is long if we know how to use it, and instead of one day's, tomorrow's and next year, start today, doing what you want and take control of your own life because at the end of the day no one gives a shit what happens to you, how much money you have, what you are wearing, where you live and how many facebook friends you have. No one cares. And if you want to take photos of yourself and upload them on your instagram or facebook because you kind of like the way you look and think its a nice photo, then go ahead and do it. If i want to wake up tomorrow, go to the gym, walk my dog and get a tattoo i will because it's my life and the people who want to be in your life, will be. This year has shown me the true side to how people act and live. Why we do what we do, for reasons sometimes i still don't understand but its all a learning curve.

DO NOT chase people, just be you and do your OWN thing. Work hard or don't work at all. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.

I am off to drink some camomile tea, light some candles, and get working on my book. Until the stars fall, sleep tight, and if you're woken through the night it's just an angel passing by...

xx

A little bit of creating

2012-08-11T21:41:00.001+10:00