We connect on so many levels and have so much in common. I have never felt quite like this with anyone. I know what I said at the beginning, but this really feels different. I am so afraid that I am not good at this, that I am going to fuck it up. It’s not really her I am afraid of. It’s me. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that anyone could really love ME unless I am constantly doing or showing love to someone else. I so want to settle in and find true peace and lasting happiness with someone. I just don’t know if I can, and that is what scares me the most.

5 years from now…When the love bombing has turned to devaluation – the compliments have long ago become a series of degrading complaints,When their smooth sexy voice has turned to loud, angry outbursts of deeply hurtful, demeaning abuse,When the love that you used to see in their eyes has turned to evil that you can visibly see when they’re abusing you,when you have lost your sense of self, you no longer know who you are because now you’re nobodywhen you no longer have your dignity,When your heart races when they ask you a question because you fear that this will be another attack on you, and you know It will be designed to tear away any hope that you will ever be able to stand up for yourself,When your mind has accepted that you now will have no opinions, no voice, and no options,when you have no reason to exist except to provide supply to a monster who pretended to love you in order to weaken your defenses to draw you in to his deception,When the ‘secret’ cheating has turned to outright other partners, and you just have to deal with it,When STDs are no longer imaginary, but are now a part of life,When you realize that you’re distant from your family, and you no longer have friends,When you no longer have anything of your own, it’s all been turned over to them for their pleasure.When your 401k is depleted and the good life you had worked so hard for has been squandered,When you can’t remember when was the last time you smiled,When you wonder for the 17th time if death would be better than living the hell that you are in,When after giving your all, faithfully, meeting every need, accepting their abuse, hoping but knowing it will never get better, only worse, the narc walks away from you without looking back. And you are left as nothing, with nothing, worth nothing… while they skip off to live their best life with their new supply,When the only remaining thing left to your life… is your Trauma Bond.You will remember that 5 years ago it was just a simple question – but now, it’s your life

I have suffered through relationships with narcissists more than I would have liked. They like to tell you how you’re doing everything wrong because it isn’t being done “their” way. They have all these arbitrary rules in place concerning how life is supposed to be lived.

Last night, while cleaning off the top of my dresser, I found a bumper sticker I had collected a couple weeks back. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t want to put it on my car. I have those big 70’s closet doors that are on tracks. I looked at the closet door and thought, “I want to stick this on that big empty, white space”. The voices that have taken up residence in my brain decided to chime in and tell me: “That doesn’t belong there”. I put the sticker back on the dresser to buy me some time to decide what to do with it and turned to leave the bedroom. Half a second later, I turned around, grabbed the bumper sticker, and put it on that closet door. In that half second of time, my own voice spoke up and said: “Who says that doesn’t belong there?”

I have to tell you, that one little act of defiance to those voices that aren’t mine, felt so good. I am not saying that everyone has to be okay with that bumper sticker being on that closet door, but we often weigh ourselves down with so many arbitrary rules and, in turn, load judgments onto other people. It would do us well to remember that there are many ways to live life and as long as you’re not hurting someone with your choices, those ways in which you choose to live are okay. Give yourself a break. You don’t have to live up to other people’s standards of living. You just have to be you.

Who starts a theater company at 52? Me, evidently. Isn’t this supposed to be something you do in your late 20’s or early 30’s? I guess, sometimes, the timing just needs to be right, and the people along for the ride need to be people like Derrick Ivey and Jeri Lynn Schulke.

I don’t know. As I sit here at the Durty Bull Brewing Company after another meeting trying to secure space for our shows I find myself immensely satisfied by what we’ve done thus far and anxious to see what the future might hold. You can’t ever stay still in an endeavor like this. The deck chairs are always moving. Thank you to all of those along for the journey. We could not have done this without the generosity and support of so many people. We hope to continue to make our community proud of our efforts.

Wherever we end up, however, this ends, I will know I gave it everything I had. I will cherish the people I have had the joy of working with. I will be proud of the work we have created. I needed a new start in the fall of 2021. My life was in shambles. I had lost sight of who I was. I had allowed outside influences to make me doubt myself and my worth. This work, this creativity, and this endeavor saved me. I owe it my best shot. Success or failure will not hinge on how this all turns out. It is in the trying that we have already succeeded.

I am proud of myself. I am proud of everyone who has worked tirelessly to make this happen. Life is good and we must treasure the moments that find us sitting in solitary at a picnic table enjoying a cold beer and reflecting on what could have been, what might be, and what is to come.

Tonight is the opening night of our second show for RedBird Theater Company. I don’t think I’ve ever been more satisfied, happier, or more at ease with myself in the entirety of my life.

It is, sometimes, in our darkest hours, when we are sure we cannot take another step, that we find an amazing well of strength and we press on through the fog, we just have to take that first step.

No matter what time of life you find yourself in, no matter the darkness, press on, follow your heart, and believe in your dreams. Don’t let others define you. Don’t let others tell you that you are not enough.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

Buddha

Namaste

http://www.redbirdtheatercompany.com

It’s been a hell of a ride the past couple of years. Covid was an unprecedented event in our lifetimes. We were isolated, locked down, unsure of what was coming next. Our kids stayed home from school. Many of us lost our jobs. I was fortunate enough to keep mine but working from home doing something I had no interest in doing took a toll on my mental health. My job doesn’t define me but it is part of who I am. I come home with cuts and nicks on my weathered hands. I stink from welding fumes and sawdust. I get to create, and that is a blessing. I lost my creative side. I forgot about that little boy inside me who has been a part of the arts community since he was 8 years old. It is who I am. In my isolation, it was easy for me to start living someone else’s life and that is exactly what I did. I stopped standing up for myself, I stopped believing in myself, I lost sight of who I am. My kids saw it happening. My oldest said, on more than one occasion: “you’re changing Dad…we don’t want you to change”. My sister said she missed the real me. Now don’t get me wrong, healthy change spurred by growth is a fantastic idea, and that is exactly what the last six months have been about for me. I had to find my core again. I had to start living for myself instead of living for someone else. I needed to remember that my wants and needs are valid…that my emotions are valid. I needed to learn that I deserve to be spoken to with respect. I needed to remember that through my journey I have met many bullies and I know what they look like. No longer do I have to convince the bully that I am worthy, no longer do I have to strive for acceptance from the bully, no longer do I have to take their punishment or accept their behavior. I can now look at the bully and know that it doesn’t really have anything to do with me…it never did. It’s their own fear that drives them and makes them need control. It’s their own experiences that have led them to be terrified of not being accepted and unable to face their real emotions. I am not responsible for that anymore. I don’t have to stay in a place I don’t like. I don’t have to stay with someone who is mean. I don’t have to deal with the self-righteous. I don’t have to let their judgments stick to me. I am me. That is all. There is no other person I can be. I really liked that guy who came into 2020 with so much hope. I ran into a situation that was fueled by our isolation and allowed myself to get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left of the real me.

I won’t ever do that again. Not for anyone.

It could not have been more perfect. I was able to enlist the talent of two people I admire greatly. I was humbled by their willingness to jump on board. Jeri Lynn could not have been a better partner up on that stage. Her work as Rose was breathtaking and it was a joy to play opposite her. Derrick’s direction was so well informed. He brought to light aspects of the script that I never would have thought about. And Joe steadied the ship from his SM console. The run of the show was wildly successful and the feedback we got was effusive with praise. I could not be prouder of this work we all did together and I couldn’t be prouder of myself for taking the lead and making it happen. The theater is my safe space. I feel most at home with a script in my hand jotting down notes with a #2 pencil (Derrick will tell you I didn’t write things down enough…he would be right). There was not a single moment I didn’t absolutely relish. From the table work where we really explored our characters and the world they inhabited to the final performance, it was all so magical. It felt so good to be working in that arena again. I love performing for an audience but it’s really the process that I adore the most. The work is pure joy and I couldn’t have asked for better, more dedicated people to do that work with.

Had it not been for this show, this process, I am not sure what mental space I would be in right now. This show honestly saved me. That is not hyperbole. I need to always remember that I am creative at heart. Without art and creation, I am not fully myself. The darkness finally feels done with me, for now, it can always come back but I feel much better prepared for it this time. But that particular darkness is gone and it was art and creation that pushed it away. I’m done with that past. It no longer serves me, if it ever did…I wonder sometimes.

I am so thankful that I had an opportunity to pursue my art at an early age and have it be celebrated by those most important to me.. My dad always said he was my biggest fan.

I’ll go through a bit of post-show blues but that always happens. As Jeri Lynn said, on closing night, about these characters: “I’m going to miss these guys”. I will too. It was a pleasure telling their story…

Say what you will about the leadership in this country, the real face of this pandemic, the people on the front lines, the people we take for granted, they will be the ones who sacrifice the most. They will go to work everyday to treat the sick and many will pay a very high price. They are our first responders, our nurses, our doctors, our elderly care workers, our police and fire departments, and our grocery store workers. The will, ultimately, be our saviors.

Then as we continue to self isolate at home with little interaction we will turn to our undervalued arts community. We will turn to all our streaming services to find music, movies, theater. We will read, we will visit art museums from home. We will depend on the artists to keep us distracted and sane. We will depend on them to make us sing and laugh and cry.

We will connect with each other through amazing technology that when I was a kid was the stuff of science fiction. Instagram, Zoom, Facebook et al will keep us tethered to each other and help us feel less alone.

People are going to die in numbers we are not used to seeing. Everyone will be touched by this. This will change the world. The question I am having difficulty answering is “will it change us?”. Will we rediscover our humanity? Will we begin to recognize our responsibilities towards each other and a greater good? Will we come together and change the way we’ve been doing things? There is an old political maxim that says “never let a crises go to waste”. What if we flipped that on it’s back and removed the negative, political connotations associated with it. I’d like to hope we come out of this better human beings but I’m not so sure. Someone said to me that after 9-11 we came together as a nation but it didn’t last. My reply, while not being specific as to avoid any political confrontation, was that many poor decisions were made after 9-11 that again divided us as a nation. I have all the faith in the world when it comes to our front line citizens working their asses off to save people and get us through this. What I am not so sure about is our response as human beings. My gut tells me we will become more xenophobic and isolationist. I hope it isn’t true but the people in charge have yet to disappoint when it comes to shit decisions.

You can believe that the powerful will be taking advantage of this crises. It’s up to the rest of us to do the same. We must be better. We must find ways to lift each other up.

Another Jewish tradition is the placing of rocks or other items of permanence on the gravestone. I had the pleasure of being at the beautiful Corolla Beach, NC this past week so I made it my mission to find the perfect shell for Ben. I looked a little every day. I brought several back to the house with me but none of them seemed right. And then our last day there I was looking again and it hit me. I shouldn’t be looking for the perfect shell. I should be looking for a beautiful but imperfect shell.

Ben understood the human condition more than anyone else I knew. He understood that we are all flawed creatures. He devoted his life’s work to pointing out those flaws in the most gentle way possible in order to foster change in the world. He also recognized the flaws within himself. He was always asking: “How can I be better?”. He wouldn’t always take the advice you gave him (especially when it came to his reckless driving) but he was always striving to be a better version of himself.

I am so grateful to have been a part of Ben’s life for the short time I had with him. I learned so much about social justice and what we as artists can do to help foster conversations and reshape the world we live in. I am proud of the work I did with him and I am proud to keep his legacy alive in his absence.

So tomorrow as I say another farewell to an incredible friend who was taken from us far too soon I will be celebrating the imperfections. Those beautiful, unique imperfections that, just as much as anything else, shape who we are.

I love you Ben and I miss you everyday.

It is shameful that we don’t want to pay a little more for other people’s children to get a well funded education. It is shameful that we don’t want to pay a little more for everyone to have equal access to healthcare. It is shameful that we don’t want to pay a little more so mothers get paid maternity leave. It is immoral for us to amass more wealth than any individual needs and then say to those below us that they are on their own.

What’s mine is mine and fuck the rest of you. That’s capitalism folks. In America money is the ultimate reward. It buys you power, access, attention and the ability to ignore the shit cycle that most of your fellow citizens live in.

It’s so ugly out there right now. There is a better way. Not everything has to turn a profit. My child shouldn’t become part of the bottom line of some for-profit school.

“I’m sorry but your son’s grades this year are really pulling down our average. We have to think about the stockholders after all”

I’m beyond anger you guys. It just makes me so sad. How sick are we if we can’t see the value in good schools where all children get access to healthy food and a good education. Why does that seem so fundamental to me? How sick are we if we don’t care enough not to cripple someone’s life with health care bills that they will take to the grave? How sick are we if we are so beholden to the almighty dollar that we are actually willing to set the planet on fire?

Too many of us have given up critical thinking. What we think has become dangerously intertwined with what we believe and beliefs are tough to deal with. If you believe abortion is actually murder then there is no way I am going to be able to sway you. If you believe that everyone should only be beholden to themselves it is much harder to change your mind. Social media and the 24 hour news cycle don’t help. We are able to cocoon ourselves in a safe place that makes the world look small. It becomes a place where everyone thinks alike and we are not made to question our beliefs.

I like to think I can see both sides of an issue. I can honestly see why people might have a problem with some abortions. I understand that we are mostly wired to care for our own at the expense of others. It is an ingrained survival response. What I can’t understand is the total lack of compassion for others and the situation they might be in. I have been in the car with people who see panhandlers on the street and heard them say: “Why can’t they just work at McDonald’s? I’d rather do that then stand on a street corner all day”. This, of course, ignores too many things to mention

What is wrong with us when our first response to the less fortunate is to be offended? How can the first thought be how much they are costing me because they are lazy? We are so quick to judge when we really have no idea what the circumstances are that led them to this street corner.

I’m sad today. I really am. This is not the country I want to live in. We’ve gotten it all wrong. We should be caring for each other. We should be lifting each other up. It can’t always be about the bottom line. Money has corrupted our souls in this country. It is everywhere except where it should be.

We are officially no longer a democratic nation. We have become a plutocracy. I am afraid that the answer to changing that is pretty ugly.