Thoughts from the Chrysalis

Engineering Habits

2012-10-12T18:21:00.001-07:00

Last month I read The Power of Habit, put some of the ideas to use, and have generally been thinking about habits as a concept and force in life. Here are some takeaways:

Using Bad Habits for Good

This idea wasn't brought up in the book, and is my own concoction. One might label certain habits "bad" and "good." Further, one could think that bad habits reinforce a loss of value in entertaining them. However, can a bad habit add value and become good? I think so.

As an example, I have been trying to get up earlier for a long time. I normally end up hitting the snooze at 6am at least a few times. However, nothing is really incentivizing me to get up. I don't have to get up at 6am and I can always rationalize that the stuff that I want to do at that time of day (like yoga, watering the plants, making tea) isn't all that important or can be done later.

I have a bad habit, before going to bed of grabbing my phone to check email or read FB. At a fellowship retreat a couple weeks ago a mentor spoke about hacking one's sleep and talked all about hacking one's melatonin to do so. I know that reading email in the dark is disturbing melatonin production. So, what if I read my emails in the morning, instead of hitting snooze, and got a hit of light to disturb my melatonin levels? I generally read off my phone when I wake up later anyway, so why not push the process up by a couple hours to wake me up faster?

I've been doing this for a little over a week now and the results have been pretty good. I've gotten up a majority of the days this week at about 6am and it's been enjoyable to check in online to help boost me out of bed.

Engineering "Natural" Consequences

In "The Power of Habit" the author talks about habit loops and how rewards fuel these loops. In the book, these rewards were sometimes arbitrary (such as dessert for eating your dinner) but most often were more deeply and secretly ingrained, such as "social time" as a natural consequence. For example, you might have a habit of going to grab coffee in the office a lot and the reward is that you bump into people there and get a hit of socialization.

I'm a firm believer in natural consequences. As an example, if I don't go to a conference I miss out on meeting new people, making good connections, etc. Yesterday I went to an event and met a man who has a very ambitious 14 year old who might make for a great fellow someday. It was a neat consequence of going to said event.

When working with a larger group, I often grapple with how to ensure that people are clear as to what the natural consequences of an action might be though. You don't know what you're missing out on if you don't go to something and aren't taking the time to reflect on it...it's just something missed, life goes on.

In my work, I elicit information and feedback from people on a regular basis. In the past, collecting this info has been painful (lots of reminders, prodding) and I think that by implementing a punishment for not offering feedback is perpetuating a bad meme (doing something only because you will be punished otherwise). Ideally people participate because they want to and receive value as well.

Originally the data I was collecting was just for a small group of people, not for those being surveyed. I've since generated reports that go out to the larger survey group and so far the results have been positive with a 28% increase in participation from the first month of experimenting with this to the next.

I've enjoyed being able to find a way to reward people for their information with data and meet my need for supporting a philosophy based on mutual wins rather than arbitrary consequences.

How about you?

I'll really curious about how others might leverage their bad habits for good and what other areas you've socially engineered to attain the results you want. Would love to hear from you here or on FB.

Burning Man 2012 Insights

2012-10-05T17:12:00.002-07:00

My fourth burn turned out to be my favorite thus far with equal doses of takeaways and fun. In my third year I started to feel like the magic of the event was starting to wear thin as I wasn’t pushing myself to participate fully and I started spectating more. This year I participated a good deal and in general saw the burn with fresher eyes.

Takeaways included:

Wandering

I spent a great degree of time with no plan, or even thought about plans, on the playa. If fact, I didn’t even open the “What, Where, When” guide for this year (generally I go through and, at the very least, circle what I’m interested in). I’ve always enjoyed wandering, and returning from the playa gave me insight into just how important it is for me to set aside time where there is no agenda except exploration. James and I have already traveled a little more than normal since returning and hope to continue wandering for some time during the year. That said wandering doesn't have be through travel, it can be through simply taking a moment to poke around a tea shop on Castro or meander the farmer's market. Small and random bursts of wanderfullness are rejuvenating.

Expression

I felt more expressed this year and not as self conscious as usual. I’ve even kept up a few photos from Burning Man that normally I would likely not have floating around, though my take at this point is that if someone can’t handle that I’m a burner, than we’re probably not a fit and that’s ok. In addition, I really liked my clothing choices for this year, they were more bold and more contrasting than I’ve tried before. Fun times.

I was also more expressed emotionally. James and I had some good talks, one where I was frustrated and was able to express it in a way that he could hear me, and it felt good to blow off some steam. On the flip side, I also was more affectionate with him around others (normally I get shy about public displays of affection).

Screen time

This was one of the sadder parts of getting back to everyday life, screen time. It was a drastic change to go from being on the playa and wandering everyday to having my life encompass a glowing box for multiple hours on end. I went from whole oyster to whole computer and have been working on achieving some balance there. That said, the only thing I’ve found that works thus far is just putting the computer away for multiple hours and getting outside/wandering. Still working on this one.

Sight

I really didn’t enjoy lack of vision in the evening without glasses this particular year. It was particularly dusty as well, so near-sightedness plus dust was no fun. I have my appointment to get Lasik done in mid-October.

Energy

A few things came up in this arena. One of which is that both myself and James have a desire to gravitate towards more heart-centered friendships and connections. It’s not to say that smarts are bad or anything like that, just that the people we enjoy spending time with the most have a good balance between their heart and head and aren’t afraid to lead with the heart. We’d also like to cultivate more of this in our own interactions and day to day lives.

I’ve also had some insights about energetic/vibe fit with friends and activities [insert California hippie jokes here]. For a long time, if something didn’t feel like a fit I would generally analyze what in my perception about the situation was off or try to figure out a way to make it better which took up a lot of time and energy. Beforehand, I felt it meant something bad, like "this person is a pain in the ass," as opposed to just an energy mismatch. I’ve since learned to “bounce” when something feels off without having a big judgement made out of it or needing to analyze the situation at all. I just see that moment (whether with a person or activity) as not a fit and I get up and go. I’ve been practicing “bouncing” at parties and social things because normally I’d stay longer in a situation even if I didn’t want to or was ready for something else. So, if we’re hanging out and I go to “bounce,” no offense, I’m just needing a different type of setting or energy in that moment.

It has felt really good to just move when I’m ready without any of the silly head games, in addition to being lot more authentic and spontaneous as well. Now I’m just trying to figure out what to do when I get the urge to bounce but I’m in a spot where I feel restricted from doing so but don’t want to go back into the analysis head game of before. Ideas?

Managing Fear

I had a great talk with Spencer Greenberg about managing fear and anxiety and he talked about spending time at the uncomfortable edges as an alternative to pure emersion techniques. I practiced this a few times while out at the burn and it paid off well. I climbed off a structure which included a bit of a jump that I was afraid of and also stayed out later than I have before (which I usually would have feared resulting in feeling off the next day) and enjoyed myself. In one of my last yoga practices the instructor talked about trying to breathe deeply into the areas that were at an edge, and I’ll have to keep this in mind for both physical and mental practices from now on.

Alright, not sure how to close this one off. Time to bounce!

Danielle

Cruising through life

2011-02-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Written on February 4, 2011

As I write I’m sitting on a porch of the Celebrity Solstice enjoying cutting through the ocean, watching the moon crawl into the sky.

It’s clear that I live a very fortunate existence with new opportunities that enable me to enjoy frequent travel, considerable time to spend on all my passions, and connection with a host of new people and entities.

The Bay Area has offered me a new kind of stretch that is reminiscent of a great yoga class. That time when you move into a pose and the simple palm of the instructors hand making a simple but eye opening adjustment -- experiencing the pose with more confidence and grace. It brings thoughts of ascending Maslow’s hierarchy, as it seems much easier to reach when the foundation feels solid.

Though I’m indulging in this time and space, I’m also humbled by those things that I could be putting intention into. I was particularly inspired by those in my life who are sharing their new explorations for 2011: Meeshi, Aaron, and Kari.

Meeshi wrote about dissolutions which really got me thinking about the things I’d like to give up to make space for something new to emerge. Below are some of the things that I would like to dissolve, at least experimentally, for a time if not indefinitely.

I’m letting go of:

Precisely scheduling time with friends. I noticed an ever present “ugh” when I would get to the day of a scheduled friend date. It’s analogous to how I feel when someone asks me what I want to eat on Saturday when it’s Tuesday. Thus far I have replaced scheduling with spontaneous day of hanging out and that has proven to be much much better for me, and I think for my friend’s too. I feel more energetic in spending time with people and less “ugh” when I feel like spending the time otherwise.
Doing things out of obligation. I’ve spent quite a while saying “yes” to things out of obligation or guilt rather than that I have the enthusiasm to participate. Steve, my housemate, helped me to see this more one day by observing that when one does something because they want to the quality and energy of the effort put in is greater.
Spending so much down time in front of the computer. Currently this has been replaced with more time outside. My favorite thing thus far has been to do walking meetings instead of the standard coffee shop or office.
Using repetitive phrases. “Cool,” “That’s right,” etc....boring! And also tuned out. I’d like to replace these phrases with more time and space before comment.
Driving conversations with questions. So, it’s quite easy for me to connect with people because I fire off questions ad naseum until the interaction is done. It’s rare that I let a silence sit or that a person is able to ask me something for very long without me turning it back on them.

Kari has reminded me through her new blog to try new things. So I have, and some of them after suppressing hesitation or fear:

Participating in a “stupid human trick” involving counterbalance without knowing what I was getting into.
Using a power tool while on a ladder.
Saying yes to opportunities as they come up instead of mulling them over so much.

That's all I can think of at the moment...but I'm excited to see what else comes out of these new practices. Thanks for reading!

Focused Pine Cone Meditation

2010-11-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

my meditation alter

Since the Life Extension Conference I've been practicing meditation more regularly. The type I've been doing has been pretty active on watching the breath and staying very focused on that without exploring much mind chatter.

Today I did something different, I know that I have a few things that I'm focusing on that are challenging and I wanted to sit with them more specifically. I was drawn to the pine cone on my alter as a symbol of nascent possibilities.

I held the pine cone in my seated position and it felt really refreshing to have something in my hands to draw my attention. I closed my eyes and started to explore some areas that I've found challenging -- which, though I don't want to get into here, mainly have to do with resisting being self-expressed in a couple areas.

As I drew by thoughts out from the last few days, I could see my mind drifting around and I could ask myself how these thoughts were related to the pine cone.

I thought of birth -- maybe challenges can be viewed as something that can be birthed through. Uncomfortable, challenging, and scary -- I imagined a newborn not liking the sensations of being pushed through the canal into a completely new world. That said, without this first challenge, nothing greater would be known.

Babies do not resist this process, there is no scrambling to get back in. They're soft and pliable and accept the push that is given. When I look at my challenges a big thing that I can see is a scrambling to move away from the contraction. I spoke yesterday about how my inner five year old just wanted to stomp on the floor and have a temper tantrum because the challenge was too confronting, too hard, and something that I've tried at many many times and not succeeded at. It's all resistance and fight.

I wondered what challenges would be like if I did not resist them, if I let the contractions move over me. Surely the process would be uncomfortable however worthwhile in the end. It seems to me that if I don't face them now, that they will just keep coming up until a bigger push comes along. The choice is to go through it or bury it for later.

Carl Jung continues to pop up for me, "That which you resist, persists." And I can see that I've been resisting not only going through these challenges but experiencing the emotions that go along with them.

I thought of what it would be like to go from having challenges with resistance to moments of "isn't that fascinating" with curiosity and wonder to life's contractions. I think that going head on with the latter would be wonderful, and I know that I'm much closer to really knowing that going through the challenge is what's most important right now...maybe the step after that is to cultivate challenges into fascinating moments.

Stimulus Response

2010-10-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

While taking a walk with James, and our friend Jason, it dawned on me that maybe I can start to extinguish my fear of spiders (or really anything) by being conscious of my physical reaction to it. And then choosing to do something about it. Currently, my reaction looks something like this:

A spider is detected
Shivers run down my spine
Shivers extends into my limbs
Reactive thoughts then occur like "gross, AHHHH..."
Cycle repeats when thinking about the incident

With my new method I'm trying something like this:

A spider is detected
I start to feel shivers
I stop the shivers and attempt to keep looking at the spider while controlling my physical response (and sometimes I try to think of something I like while looking at the spider...yay bunnies!)
Thoughts then occur like "ok, it's still gross" but it's more like an observation than a reaction (I'd like to get to a place where I'm more neutral than "it's still gross" but it's a work in progress).
I also notice that I don't tend to perseverate on the spider after that.

James and I found a while back that if we were both getting bogged down by something tough to talk about we'd tend to find ourselves moving into a fetal position. We've both found that when we call each other on this and then work to getting out of the position (standing right up, taking a walk, etc.) that it helps to change the mood dramatically. So, why not do this with spiders too ;).

This all seems pretty obvious from when I was learning about extinguishing fears in psych class however I don't recall much attention being placed on consciously lessening the physical response. Yay mindfulness!

~Danielle

Decompression 2010

2010-09-11T00:04:00.000-07:00

"A plane is a bad place for an all-out sleep, but a good place to begin rest and recovery from the trip to the faraway places you've been, a decompression chamber between Here and There. Though a plane is not the ideal place really to think, to reassess or reevaluate things, it is a great place to have the illusion of doing so, and often the illusion will suffice." - Shana Alexander

Decompression is setting in pretty strong as I sit at Barefoot Coffee in Santa Clara. It's actually one of the nicer places I've been lately that has reminded me a bit of Burning Man with its outdoor beat up couch, displayed art, and beautifully crafted latte foam (I only wish this coffee shop were in a neighborhood instead of a strip mall).

A few of my friends have posted long and detail oriented posts about their experience, which I have thoroughly enjoyed reading...though that type of writing I find to be quite daunting...so I'll do my takeaways here.

Leading a Camp - This year at Burning Man I co-lead Future Camp. It was interesting to see my involvement go from "eh" to "I'm on it!" as the weeks progressed towards our adventure. I found that leading gave me an interesting social edge that I really enjoyed. I'm not much for jumping into group conversations, and being a lead meant that people would come up and ask me questions so that I got some one-on-one time with them and also felt helpful in the process. It has probably been the best larger social setting I've been in in a while without feeling drained...I think having a role really helped me to socialize.

Stomach/Posture - For the last few years I've been having stomach cramping that I think stems from storing tough emotions there. I went to a Heart of Now workshop and was able to explore the stomach thing a little bit more with people who I don't know. What I found was that I should be balancing out doing external work on it (massage, yoga, etc.) with internal work (listening for the feelings that come up and attempting release). It seems obvious, but something about talking to these new folk helped it to solidify in my brain a bit more. From thinking about my stomach, I've also been noticing how much my posture affects the relaxation of my stomach. I'm noticing that I tend to hunch and round in, which increases pressure on an already vulnerable spot. For the last week I've been sitting up straight, chest open, and that seems to help a lot.

Noise pollution - Future Camp had the misfortune of locating right next to a super secret bass camp that was not so secret after Wednesday when they started playing techno music with so much bass that one could feel their eardrums shake. A friend appropriately coined this experience as "Bass Rape." This noise pollution caused a lot of stress on our camp and even made people ill to the point of needing to leave our camp. There was no relief for much of 4 straight days, even after negotiating with them. Eventually Nevada law enforcement was called in because the camp had assaulted some campers who asked them to turn it down for their well being (all this said, this is extremely rare at Burning Man and would not deter me from going again...we'll be reporting more to the organization). One thing that all the noise pollution brought me was some introspection on the noise in my life. It was really apparent after returning to the grid with over 150 emails waiting to be sorted. Many of them junk...so I spent a lot of time unsubscribing to mailing lists and products that I just don't need in my face daily. I've also started to attempt cutting down on my email time by checking and responding to email only twice a day...so far so good.

Displays of appreciation/attraction/connection - One thing that I really enjoyed was the level of connection with people in general. Sometimes day to day I do not enjoy the attention that I get especially from people finding me attractive...the vibe feels more that someone would like to get something from me and it's very uncomfortable. At Burning Man the attention felt more like appreciation or recognition. When someone would compliment me or give a hug (or kiss on the cheek...those were fun!) the feeling was one of gratitude and like the person wanted to share something with me, an offering. I wish more of this happened in the "real" world. I also found this to be true with gifting on the playa. I received some really beautiful gifts that were given with a level of authenticity that I haven't seen in a long time. It was really easy to receive these gifts since there was no implication that I would then offer something out of responsibility or guilt.

Bliss - This was probably my favorite art piece of the week. I'm now kicking myself that I never saw her at night.

Relationship - Burning Man was great for my relationship with James. There are pages dedicated to how Burning Man can really test a relationship and I can see how that can definitely be true. However, for us it's always been really great. This year, James went out a week before me, so we were apart for a full week without any communication. It was interesting to what would come up for me during that time and to see that any fears I had about us being apart and out of communication for that week were quickly eased when we did see each other. James and I worked really well together at camp all week, did a lot of outings together and spent some time apart as well. It was really really nice to have a week without other things needing attention so that we could connect more.

Unexpected Outcomes

2010-06-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

This was the speech I wrote for the 8th grade promotion. Liked it enough to post here:

As some of you may know, I love a good quote. They keep me grounded and give me perspective whenever I get caught up in the thoroughfare of day to day life.

When I thought of our community, a Buckminster Fuller quote popped out at me, “There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes.”

There are many times in life when we hope for a certain conclusion. We build up expectations, sometimes only to find that a situation, a feeling, or a thought has changed. If we can keep open to changes, new perspectives, and these unexpected outcomes, we can view life as a place where we’re always growing.

Our 8th grade class has been a grand experiment. Many of these students have come to Innovations from well established schools. Places that have janitors, typical report cards, traditional parent/teacher conferences, principals with normal hair, and even a cafeteria. However, you all, students, families, and teachers, being explorers...were looking for something different, you were willing to experiment.

These young explorers have created classroom rules, faced their peers in class council, greeted each other daily in Morning Meeting, come to me when they are not satisfied with the way they have handled a situation, developed strong friendships, challenged their teachers in positive ways, and have made our community bigger and brighter for every twist and turn.

We’ve come here with a mission, to live powerful lives through self-expression, compassionate connection, and purposeful learning. I see them being self-expressed when they come in wearing colorful makeup, bright hair do’s, wearing Rastafarian hats, and speaking their minds on today’s issues. They compassionately connect with each other when they make mistakes and can hear each other without blame or guilt. Solar ovens, the Sacramento Trip, Roller Coaster physics, and analyzing the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, are just some examples of purposeful learning. I’ve seen the parents living our mission as well, when they come in and contribute to our community and voice their thoughts even when they are nervous.

For me, the mission of IA has been an experiment and the students especially have surpassed what I thought a public school could look like. I know that your future has many beautiful adventures ahead. Bring that sense of self that you have graciously shown us here to your future high school and other endeavors.

I wish you all the best to come and many unexpected outcomes.

Mind the Gap

2010-05-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and found some of the distinctions in the book to be very powerful and insightful. Like many books on development, I found it a bit repetitive, however, here are the gems for me:

Clock Time vs. Psychological Time

Clock Time = Now in physical space and in real time requests/actions.
Psychological Time = In the future/past. Generally manifests as worry/anxiety for me.

I found this distinction very helpful in catching myself spending a lot of time worrying about something rather than doing something about it.

Situations vs. Problems

Situations = Now. Choice is to accept or take action.
Problems = In the mind, usually bound to psychological time.

One point being made was that situations do occur that are not pleasant for us. Life does happen, we step on bees, feel pain, etc. And, we have the choice to work with situations and/or make them into problems. I could take action on having stepped on a bee and be done with it. Or, I could unconsciously build up that moment into a fear for the future and start spinning out of control whenever I see a bee. The problem occurs when one's mind starts spinning without consciousness (defined as being able to step into the gap and watch the mind's talk).

Reactions are your test of being/consciousness:

You will be taken over by a reaction, which ultimately is always some form of fear, and pulled into deep unconsciousness. Those challenges are your tests. Only the way in which you deal with them will show you and others where you are at as far as your state of consciousness is concerned, not how long you can sit with your eyes closes or what visions you see.

...Once a mind pattern, an emotion, or a reaction is there, accept it. You were not conscious enough to have a choice in the matter.

This isn't saying that you're not responsible for your reactions. In that particular moment you could not step into the gap, or even perceive that you could. Oops...welcome to being human.

It's like walking down the street and stepping into a divot in the sidewalk. Had you seen it, you would have chosen differently. But you didn't. You can accept what happened and in that acceptance get present to those divots (to hopefully mind the gap next time), or you can get in resistance about it and have guilt, "shoulds," and probably some blame to spice up the mix.

I'd love to hear about your practice for minding the gap and how, when you don't, you care for those divots.

Ahoy, there be new ahead!

2010-05-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

It's interesting to be stepping back into this space again, after three years. I see livejournal as too much of a random spattering of old history and facebook is for quick minimal connection, so here I am.

I lot has happened in the last three years and what's present for me now is that new is on the horizon.

Teresa G. and I were talking a few weeks ago at a coffee shop and I said something about how I'm not so much of a risk taker to a new suitor of hers. She smiled and chuckled, her eyes and mouth both saying something to the effect of that we're not physical risk takers but we shake up our lives.

I'm both nervous and excited about some new quakes, predominantly, moving to the Bay Area and taking six months to focus on renewing my energies and interests.

As part of this focus, I've been journaling in a new way. Write in the future as if it already happened:

This evening I arrived at Fusion 2011 (personal growth retreat). It was so good to see the faces of last year and hear that those that couldn't make it were off adventuring. I shared with everyone how relaxed I've been feeling. My six months of renewal were amazing. I took art classes, started an amazing garden, and began learning Portuguese for James' and my trip to Brazil. I went back to educational consulting and am loving it. Working with kids and families feels so good. Speaking of family, I've been skyping with my brother and sister and getting to know them better. I even visited my sister in Chicago. It's been a wonderful year since the last fusion.

I wonder...what's new for you?

Danielle

Generously giving of the Self

2007-07-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

My dear readers,

Wow, when I post you guys read! Using a stat counter is great for knowing data about my audience. There are those all over the U.S., some in Canada, and even those further over seas. I definitely encourage you to share this journal, as one of my intentions is to generate a thousand visitors each month! I don't know how this will happen, but I'm putting it out there ;)

However, stats are missing something that I crave and that's connection! I want to know who you are. I do know a powerful attribute about you, that you're someone interested in living fully because that is what this journal is about.

I'd love to hear about who you are and what is going on for you in life. Time to share!

Right now, my life is about community strength and this blog is part of that. My community is one of connection, insight, and sharing.

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Joyfully,

Danielle

Chocolate or Vanilla?

2007-07-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm finally starting to understand what choosing can mean for my life. It all started back at the Forum when there was an exercise in making a choice, or rather a perceived choice.

I'm rewriting the exercise a bit so that it makes even more sense to me. So here goes:

You're sitting in an ice cream parlor and someone hands you a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Everyone else around you has something different, so you'd like to choose that instead...but the parlor is out of everything else except chocolate. The choice is to accept what you got (the chocolate ice cream) or be busy ogling what everyone else has.

The perceived choice is that I can have someone else's ice cream...but I can't. I only get what's right in front of me. Furthermore, if I put my energy into not wanting the chocolate, it doesn't disappear or transform into vanilla...it just sits there. Simply stated, what you got...is what you got.

This week I've been confronted with choosing what I got. This has manifested itself in what I originally thought was my weight. The drama that I was going through was that losing weight is difficult for me even though I'm doing all the right things (eating healthy and exercising daily) and that there's some "cosmic unfairness" to the whole thing since other people have an easy time with this without putting in so much effort.

So my choice was my weight...or so I thought. However, whenever I'd choose [remember: this is what I got] my weight of 144lbs (15 of which I'd like to lose) I'd find myself in major upset, crying, and feeling really bad for myself. It definitely didn't spring me into action or make me feel good.

I started to look at what it is that I'm resisting. I asked, "what's right in front of me that I'm ignoring, pushing away, or feeling victimized by." What I saw was my food diary. I had pushed it away because I made measuring my food into this obsessive activity that I felt was unhealthy. Now, what I was obsessive over was *not* using it. So I was spending lots of time crying and defending why I shouldn't go that route even though I know that it works well for me.

Later this morning I decided to choose my food diary. Then I got the "ah ha!" moment. After choosing it, all that worry, upset, and effort went away. I didn't start crying thinking about entering in my food for the day or the number on the scale. I was spending so much effort on resisting my food diary that using it seems super simple now...10 minutes tops to enter in food and not thinking about it is so much better than being in an upset for a good hour+ per day.

The struggle and the effort has really disappeared...it's like I didn't know it was there anyway. In choosing my resistance I lost the drama and gained freedom.

Another part of what I chose was what I viewed as "obsessiveness." I had this whole thing about not wanting to feel that way. So I chose that along with the food diary since the two are linked, and now instead of feeling obsessed, I just feel in control of what I'm doing to my body.

Only in resistance does something stick around. So, take a good look at the chocolate and choose.

The Game of it All

2007-07-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

The seminar that I'm currently participating in, the Living Passionately seminar, is about bringing purpose, grace, and ease to all areas of my life.

While on a leadership call last night, I was able to take away a lot of insights and I'd like to share them below.

The homework for this week is to make a game out of that which I take too seriously! What I was reminded of at the seminar is that anything that is in my life, I have brought into existence and if I'm getting stressed about it, then I'm clearly not playing life like a game.

On Saturday, I was having one of those days where it seemed that everything was going wrong. For example I had a plan to walk to the post office and I realized, 3/4 of the way there, that I didn't have my wallet with me to purchase packaging or stamps. My whole day felt like this, always reaching out to do more, but having something get in the way. What a blah way to be!

One thing that had really bothered me all day was that I am teaching an American History class in the fall and I didn't feel like I would be getting any help at all through this process. As usual, I would be doing everything by myself and I had lots of evidence to suggest that this would be true. So on Saturday, I got worked up about it and had a short cry about how overwhelmed I was feeling...this was certainly having an effect on all of my other tasks for the day.

As usual, my boyfriend was very supportive and started to offer suggestions on what I could do with the class. This communication opened the door for me that this might be an area where I could look to "play the game."

While I was on my leadership call yesterday, as I'm a group leader for my team, I realized something else. That the class is all mine...it exists because of me. In fact, the class would not be there without me, because the parents from last year's class rallied to have me teach the same students as a group again this year (normally they would be broken up).

When I had this eureka moment, I was able to make the class into a game. The game being enrolling the families to contribute to the class directly instead of shutting them out of the creation! What I wasn't open to was that the families have a ton to contribute and are part of making this class happen, just as they had at the end of June.

With this new found excitement I ordered tons of American History books off of amazon and found some really fun activities for class. My next step will be engaging the parents in contributing to this class, whether it be with a lesson, or a plan for a field trip, or ideas for class discussions or curriculum, or maybe there is something totally new that they can offer. I'm all ears.

Today, I emailed someone on staff to give me the names and contact info of the parents so that I can connect with them now and have a unifying vision for our class come September.

With all of this I am taking ownership of the class, bringing it to life, and being really hungry for it to begin. I'm excited!

To review, there were a few things that I had to do to see the chrysalis that I can bring to class:
1. I had to consider that I was not truly fully involved in the class. What I was involved in was a "poor me, I have to do this myself" attitude.
2. I thought about what I had to give up to be able to see a new possibility for how this class can work. And what I saw was that I was taking my point of view too seriously (and as if it were the truth and not just my opinion) that no one will help me and that I'll have to do it myself.
3. Make a game out of it (by taking the significance I put on the class out!). The game is to get parents involved in the vision that I have for the class of being fun, exciting, and a contribution of all of our efforts.

As a teacher I get to create context all the time, and now I have a new context to live into, that of contribution and generosity!

Expression

2007-06-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

~~~

Many eventful happenings occurred this past weekend, but I was reminded that sometimes it could be something quite simple that can cause the biggest waves.

My partner and I were on our way to picking up a friend before playing a great game of frisbee when he looked into the back seat of my car and noticed the explosion.

Often times, I've noted that my car looks like a teacher's desk has blown up in it (as that is my profession) and sadly this was no exception.

As he looked at the back, he rolled his eyes and looked exasperated by my mess and promptly covered it with a beach blanket so that our guest would only see the mound of clutter instead of the minute details.

During all of this, I got reactive in my mind about the situation. I already feel guilty enough about my lack of maintaining organization without someone else, especially someone I love dearly, reminding me. Part of me really wanted to lash out and say something I'd surely regret. The other part of me was really torn because I know that it's not the eye roll or the covering of the mess that made me upset...it's the implication that *I* put behind the action.

What I was getting reactive about was that I thought he would hold it against me in some way down the line. My imagination went a bit wild with thoughts, he's not going to want to stay with you since you're such a mess. Who would want to live with someone who can't even keep her car clean.

Knowing that these thoughts aren't true doesn't make the situation feel better...it just makes me sit with them. The internal struggle began between seeing the context of our relationship, one of love & support, and how my thoughts about the eye roll had nothing to do with us...I made it up, it wasn't real. However, I was having a hard time trying to see whatever other meaning I could have attached to this action, it was an eye roll, you know, that one that teens give to parents.

As we played frisbee, I could see that I continued to roll the tape of the earlier event in my head and it was making me angry and causing me to play poorly (and be a poor sport).

Then, it happened, I spoke. I told my partner what I wanted, which was for him to be supportive of the things that I have trouble with. I offered a suggestion that in the future he could say something like, "Hey, would you like some help cleaning out the car? I know that you've been meaning to get that done and we could do it together."

I also let him know that I was making myself nervous by thinking that he wouldn't want to be with me if I couldn't get my act together. There are many things that I talk about wanting to do (such as cleaning the car, or starting a dating website, or volunteering my time, etc.) that don't come to fruition and I'm ok with that. So, I also expressed to him that I'd like the space to talk about my ideas even if they don't come into existence.

After mulling over my reaction, he came to me and said that he was sorry for being a jerk and that having the car in disarray [or even my general messiness (which, as of last Saturday, I'm putting structures in for ease!)] was such a trite matter that it could not possibly take away from who I am for him.

It was interesting to me that how when I fessed up, he too took total responsibility for the situation. I insisted that he wasn't being a jerk, but that I had made him into one. In the end, we both owned it and the situation dissolved, leaving me (and I think him too) feeling closer.

Upon getting home I made myself an action list of things to do, including cleaning the car. My partner asked if I needed any help. I said, "no" and smiled.

He had already given it.

Standing Firm with Arms Stretched Out

2007-06-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

First it is necessary to stand on your own two feet. But the minute a man finds himself in that position, the next thing he should do is reach out his arms. ~ Kristin Hunter

~~~

Today I am seeing, full force, how communicating with others about what's happening in my life offers them the space to make a contribution and expand upon what I am open to seeing.

I'd like to share two examples:

The Bee

Of course, creating butterflies means getting stung...and that's exactly what happened yesterday. A bee got under my sandal and the stinger went into my toe!

I felt a sharp pain up my leg and sat down to examine it as tears came out of my eyes. I was scared and wasn't sure what to do as I'd never been stung before. Before reaching out to anyone I took the stinger out myself and was quite aware that the pain continued. I got up, and proceeded to hobble home. In doing so, I had no idea what I would do with my toe after I got there. In that moment I had a choice: do this on my own (internet search) or ask for help.

So, I called my mom and she advised me to be with a friend so that if I had any sort of reaction that I'd be safe. I would have never thought of that myself, so I took her advice and called a friend. He lived a block away from where I was and was quite helpful! I even learned a few things about allergic reactions and bee stings because his father (who is a doctor) was over to visit.

Class Enrollment

I'm teaching a free class about understanding and tracking the monthly female cycle to young women and their moms staring in late July through August (if you're in San Diego and would like more information please email me).

I would love to create an intimate space to do this and that, to me, means having a safe community around the class. At this time I only have 2 moms & daughters enrolled and I would like to have at least 1 or more teams involved to run the class. However, I was really nervous about advertising to the general community because I want to be selective about who is in the class since some of the information could be viewed as controversial ("it's a sex class!"...which it's not)

I was speaking with my charter school colleague today and mentioned the class to her and asked if she could put out the word for me to her friends. She mentioned putting it on a San Diego yahoo list and I got very reactive about not wanting the "wrong" people in the class.

She then offered a great idea: to enroll in the class, individuals need to have a conversation with me about the class before signing up to ensure that everyone has the same vision.

Before having this conversation with my colleague, I was seriously thinking of canceling the class because I couldn't see a way to expand my network.

So, today's homework: reach out listening for contribution, even when you think that you don't need to, you'll be surprised at the results. Feel free to share your work here, I'd love to hear about it!

Caterpillars to Butterflies

2007-06-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

Philosophia by Guggenheim Grotto
When we’re young we set our hearts upon some beautiful idea
Maybe something from a holy book or French philosophia
Upon the thoughts of better men than us we swear by and decree a
Perfect way to end the war of ways the only way to be a...

Work of art, oh to be a work of art

But in time a thought comes tugging on the sleeve edge of our minds
Perhaps no perfect way exists at all, just many different kinds
Oh but if it’s just a thing of taste then everything unwinds
For without an absolute how can the absolute define...

A work of art, oh to be a work of art

~~~

Being a work of art, this is what I set out to do through self awareness and transformation.

Transformation, defined through my own terms, is the act of a butterfly. Starting as a caterpillar, life is wonderful and good. It's fairly clear that my form is set; I'm long with many legs, with some playful variation in texture. One day, I'm drawn to make a chrysalis in which I will transform myself into a butterfly. What I will come out as is unknown to myself, but the result will be that of my creation.

I'm not content to take just one form. So, I choose to put myself into the chrysalis state as much as I can. Pushing myself to go there, so that I may create a new being in every moment.

Last weekend I put myself into this chrysalis state by participating in the Landmark Advanced Course. Through this work, I saw that my usual state of being is one in which I do not trust people and that I tend to "do life" by myself. There's nothing wrong with this state, in fact it has served me quite well. I'm an independent business gal, living a very successful and happy life. The butterfly in me, however, is interested in going further...being truly awake in all of my choices.

Now that my eyes have been opened to this usual state, I am free to create something new if I choose. Before, I wasn't aware that a choice existed. This journal will serve to reflect upon the choices I have made with my new pair of self-awareness spectacles.

The possibility of this journal is one of inspiration, intimacy, and generosity to the world around me.

Enjoy the adventure.