Thoughts of a WORMHEAD

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 9

2012-10-11T03:54:00.002-07:00

"The Government of My Brain seems to have built a new drainage system. Nothing stays and festers there anymore. It no more stinks, and more importantly and tragically, it doesn't overflow"

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 8

2012-07-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

If you see a man who has come back to office a week after his wedding, don't ever ask him, "Hey dude ! What the fuck have you been up to?". Really.

The Doggone Future - 1

2012-07-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

The story of a dog managing to change the future of the world might surprise you. In fact, it would be surprising if it does not surprise you at all. A dog doing anything other than what a dog is supposed to be doing can be surprising - getting newspapers from the shops excluded, that is (or in this case, was, has been, whatever) the norm these (those) days - apart from that, anything would not just be surprising, but painfully shocking as well.
(Now that is how you abuse a word. I have used 'surprising' so many times, it is already causing unbearable nausea - to you and ME too!)
But well, everything's got to end. Everything has got to change. Someday. And it definitely did.

After the incident of the Appallingly Confusing Tuesday, henceforth to be called ACT, the world was never the same. I still remember the lack of shock - which in itself was shocking to me - and the absence of chaos after the tremendous amount of change the ACT had caused. Humans were never this, erm..well, unpredictable. You could definitely say when they would kill and when they would not. Yes, the details sometimes differed, but all in all, there was a definite pattern they liked to follow. For example, a human being would go like -

"Hey ! I think what I am saying is right ! Well. I just don' think what I say is right, I believe it to be right. It is not just a belief, it is a strong faith! Unshakable. Not even the strongest earthquake can bring it down. Umm.. what? You are asking me how am I so sure? Well.. our prophet said so ! Don't you dare say he might have been wrong ! That's sacrilege ! You must die !"

BOOM. Rattttatttatttaattaat. BOOM.

See what I am getting at? Humans always have tended to behave in a certain pattern - which makes them so darned predictable. You give a dog a loaf of bread, it will hang its tongue out and wait for you to give another one. You give a man something to die for, he will either kill you or he will kill himself in the process of killing you. It is as straight and simple as that. No deviations. There might be certain samples of anomalies, but the humans generally take care of that. They tend to dislike anomalies.

"You are so different.. Hmm.. You must be evil ! Die devil die !"

They are pretty easy going that way. No complications. Just plain old herd mentality. Run. Stampede. Or be killed. Just plain old barbarism. If I don't know, it probably is wrong. If I can't believe, it probably should not exist. Sure, there were also people who said this was all wrong. But they were taken care of. Anomalies. Remember?

So, all in all, as I said earlier, it was rather interesting to see that the ACT had not caused any sort of a concern. People went on with their lives as if nothing had happened. They got up in the morning, some had coffee, some had tea, some had water just so that they could pay a visit to the lavatory, some picked a quarrel with their wife, some picked quarrels with all their wives, some just hated getting up and hanged themselves, some had sex, and some had sex and went back to bed, some switched on the TV and muttered to themselves, "What is going on this world? I think it is time for apocalypse"

Yes. Nothing much had changed. At the same time, a lot had changed too. It was something like a dozen puppies popping out of the bitch, and the bitch wanting to eat every one of them. The world had gone nuts while actually believing it was always this way.

And some people got up in the morning, took their dogs for a walk, collected their turd, came back home to find their wife in bed with someone, and asked themselves, "What would the daughter of god do in this case?". A while later they started cursing and crying.

Ah. Now I get your attention. Yes. I said Daughter Of God. Don't abbreviate it to say DOG. It does not mean a god damned thing.

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 7

2012-03-30T03:49:00.000-07:00

"I think I have completely forgotten what I wanted to forget. And now it is annoying me because I do not even know if I have succeeded in forgetting what I should have forgotten. What if I still remember it and do not know that this is what I should not have remembered at all?"

The Taming of the PC

2012-03-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

In his agonizingly long short life, Vinayaka Rama managed to do a lot of things. Spending a week in police custody was one of them. This particular piece of history does not deal with the cause but rather with the sufferings of Vinayaka Rama and the people who made the mistake of striking a conversation with him – when he was in their custody.

And one day, Vinayaka Rama managed to escape from the police custody…. Only to end up returning for the night. The constable was shocked. The shocked constable made the mistake of asking ……

PC - Why did you get out?!

VR - Because I could not stay here any more!

PC – And, why could you not stay here!

VR - I wanted to see how it looked outside.

PC - But you said you got out because you could not stay here.

VR - Yes.

PC - And now you are saying you did not stay here because you wanted to get out.

VR - No.

PC - YES.

VR - No.

PC - What did you say then?

VR - I said I didn’t stay because I wanted to look what was out there.

PC - And you did not stay there because?!

VR - Because I saw what was out there.

PC - And you did not like it?

VR - No.

PC - What do you mean by ‘No’?

VR - The answer to your question.

PC - But what is it?

VR - It means No.

PC - I know what No means. I don’t know what does No mean for my question.

VR - What is your question?

PC – Didn’t you like it?

VR - What?

PC - What you saw out there !

VR - Don’t you know what is out there?

PC - I know.

VR - Ok.

PC - Tell me.

VR - You already know.

PC - What?

VR - Yes.

PC - No. I don’t !

VR - You said you knew.

PC – What exactly did I say?

VR - When?

PC - What?

VR - What?

PC - What did I say?

VR - When did you say what?

PC - How am I supposed to know that?

VR - And how am I supposed to know what you are supposed to know but you don’t know?

There was a punch. A few stars. A single red bump on the chin. There was the bruised face of Vinayaka Rama and a bruised soul of the police constable.

I am the.....

2012-03-28T06:08:00.000-07:00

I am the bored.

I have lived the life of a coward. A coward who knew he was a coward, but who refused to accept it. I am not sure if people generally behave this way - not accepting what they know to be the truth, but i assume, it comes naturally to a lot of people. And I am one of them. A coward. I am also a coward who refused to try new things. Refusal does not come naturally to me, probably I refused to be natural, which is in a way a damning statement about my rate of refusals. Refusing to try and refusing to be natural when refusal is not natural.

I am not just the bored. I am the defeated. And the confused.

I am not confused because I am ignorant about the world. I am confused because I am not ignorant of a few things in the world which I should have been ignorant of. Now I cannot ignore. I cannot pretend that I don't care too. Because pretending is ignoring. Ignoring my self. Note that my self is not equal to myself. There is a lot of difference on a fundamental level. While the space between me and self is very philosophical the spacelessness between me and self smacks of selfishness. I am not selfish. As i said, just a tad confused. Do not confuse it with me being ignorant about the world. Did i say that already? Yes. Do not get too confused about my confusion. It is my nature to be confused. I am a natural. But didn't I just say i refuse to be a natural? I think it should not be taken out of the context. I digress.

I am the bored, the defeated, and the confused. And also the digressed.

It is not for me to point out my digressions. I am not talking about life, of which there are many, but I am talking about the statements that I make on my life, of which there are many too. I think your point about both being the same is valid. I don't deny that. I cannot. I don't have the intellect to deny it nor the heart. I am the bored, remember? And the defeated too, comprende? So I am the digressed. I jump from the wooden plank to the roaring sea like the pirate who never quite figured out the difference. He knew it was death jumping in, but it was death standing on the wooden plank too, especially when there was a handful of people having their hands filled with knives and swords. And i prove my point about being the digressed. Hope I make enough sense.

I am not just the bored, the defeated, the confused, and the digressed. I am the less hoped too. Whatever that means.

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 6

2012-03-28T04:58:00.000-07:00

"I, even though it is not very unusual, have always had difficulty in differentiating my illusions from my reality. They both seem so real to me.The other day, the love of my life said that sometimes I am such a sweetheart. I asked her if she was on drugs or if I was."

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 5

2012-03-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

"Gentlemen never kiss and tell. So...err.. how about the ladies?"

This Whined Vinayaka Rama - 4

2012-03-25T09:05:00.001-07:00

"I am a social misfit. I don’t believe in the heights of ecstasy nor in the maniacal suicidal depressions. Boring, unwavering equilibrium - that’s what I believe in. You might even term me as unfit. "

- On being asked by his wife if he was fit enough for another round of... well..

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 3

2012-03-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

"The reason I don't take a decision is because, as a citizen of this ancient, wise, spiritual, dirty, corrupt, hypocrite country, I need to help democracy grow. Unfortunately, the voices in my mind never agree on anything. Sometimes there is a two way split, sometimes there is a three way split, sometimes I end up studying advance mathematics to understand the quantity of splits. Life in a democracy is tough"

- On being asked if he has finally taken a decision on marrying the love of his life. Err.. the second love of his life.

Caught Thinking Out Loud

2012-03-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

These dim-witted nit wits knew they were being photographed. What they did not know what was, they were being secretly scanned for their thoughts too!

From Left to Right –

Santosh Snake Naga: “I hope Sailesh wont mind the disappearance of his shades. After all, I just borrowed it with an intention of returning it back. Probably I should have told him when I took it, but now it’s too late. Anyway, I am going to give it back after this photo session. I hope he will not see it reappearing. It would be bad for my reputation. If he has not seen it disappearing let him not see it reappearing. That way, everyone will be happy. Especially me. By the way, who is that photographer? Cant even see a damned thing in this dark shades. I can see that he has beard and long hair. Oh there is a tattoo too. I think it is Vardhaman. Sometimes you get so confused between those two guys.”

Bala The Gentle Giant: “Haha. It was so funny. Really. It was very funny. Although I cant remember, why exactly it was funny, it was really funny, and that much I can remember. Oh crap! Is that guy taking our photograph? Shit ! I hope I don’t look as fat as I really am. Not that it matters. If wifey is ok, who the hell cares about the world. Huh. But that was really funny. I should tell this to the wifey. Only if I can remember what caused it to be funny. Damn! When will Sailesh press the ‘cilck’ button?!! Seems to be taking forever”

Kapil KD Dev: “There is no privacy at all. This shameless bugger is taking a photograph even when I am sleeping. Uh oh. Where is my mobile? I don’t know how many messages I might have missed. Might I be appearing very serious? I should smile. I hope my smile doesn’t appear artificial, because, I really don’t want to smile, I need to reply to those messages which definitely would be lying in my inbox now, but then if I don’t, what will people think. Especially the guy who is lying like a log next to me. I don’t want to appear like a person who is missing something. Smile, grin, and bear it for now”

Vardhamana PJ PG Whatever: “Ray-Ban! God given. God created. The sun is shining bright, and here I am, as chilled as a bottle of beer. Did that come out in a wrong way. I think it did. I think that’s why people think I am obsessed about self , hair, and every silly little thing. Though I beg to differ. This KD here is pretty serious. I think he is thinking about Amy Jackson. Amy Jackson is a pretty girl ! Which movie did she star in? I got to research on that today. Hmm. I hope this photo comes out nice. I might look like a barbarian, but I should look like an official barbarian. There, it came out wrong again, all obsessed about the self! What is wrong with me!!!”

Pawan Silent Prabhakar: “For a change everyone is grinning. Thank god photographs don’t talk. If they had that feature, I would have really gone mad. I listen to their crap in the office, I listen to their crap in the cafeteria, I listen to their crap in this resort, and I cant listen to their crap even after I go home. Thank god for the photographs. Thank god they haven’t hit upon the idea of making a video! The moment they decide on creating a video, I am going to plug my ears with the strongest stuff that nature has ever created. I don’t want to listen to the ‘La’s, the ‘bugger’s, the ‘bloody hell’s, and the other assorted Nepali, Malayalam, Kannada, Tulu swear words. But, why the hell am I smiling? Bloody hell. Oh shit, this swearing disease! It’s contagious !”

The Aqua Man

2012-03-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

(Click on the picture to calculate the distance between Aquaman
and Aqua (No. Aqua is not the name of the girl))

"It's a frog" croaked the old man.

"It's a dolphin!" yelped the excited pretty young thing.

"No..It's Praveen 'The Aqua man'" squeaked the five year old kid who watches a lot of cartoons but can see things for what they are.

The Aqua Man dived with the precision of a speeding bullet on it's way to meet the pre-frontal lobe of a demented politician. He met the tensed surface of water (The water was tensed because that's it's nature, not because of Aqua Man. For more information, please research on surface tension and water strider) with great felicity, sliced through it like a new blade on a three day old beard, submerged in the 'as-blue-as-a-bottle-of-diluted-ujala' pool for exactly 2 seconds, and reared his head again like a submarine popping out from the imposing depths of the 'concentrated-ujala' ocean. If you did not hear the roar of a sea-lion, it's because the Aqua Man, as the name suggests, is no sea-lion, but a human being. He just 'whoo'd.

It is interesting to note that even though human beings do have a tendency to roar, they generally avoid roaring as soon as they pop their heads above the water to avoid breathing the water in with the oxygen. Human beings tend to say 'whoo' or 'whoa' or 'aaah' depending on their aquatic capability and their musical sensibility. Our Aqua Man said 'whoo'. Basically he 'whoo'd, which is almost similar to 'wooed'. You woo a girl and you whoo the water and the pleasure of wooing and whooing is not very different which the masters of wooing and whooing are already aware of. However, if you have suddenly realized that whooing also results in the intake of H2O with O2, you are right, and I have no clue why human beings prefer the whooing to the roaring.

The sun shone down on the Aqua Man with pleasure, tanning him with the glee of a kid who is peeing on the compound of his jail-like school. The Aqua Man did take no notice of it. For him, the water was his world now, and the land was a distant planet which held no particular interest. As the other human beings dived around him, turning themselves into guileless buffaloes and graceless wildebeests, the Aqua Man whood again, welcoming them to his world, and smirking at their inability to translate their agility on land to floatability on water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The series of circusmtances that lead to the emergence of Aquaman (and the other happenings of the day)

The Snake And Its Plea

2012-03-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

"Ravaging times are back again my King, the times are not ravaging in itself, it is them the group which I always blame are to be blamed"

"?"

"O Lord of the throne which is held by the Queen, I plead thee, to voice your command and rid this land from the sins of the blamed"

"!"

"I exhort and I expect, My silent emperor, of great punishments you will mete, to those who I always blame, not because they deserve, but because, they are to be blamed for the deeds of everyone"

"?!"

"The Son of Queen, I am afraid, will cast you away from the throne, but the time, is yet to arrive in all its pomp and glee. I will smile then, my Lord, with an evil smirk and grin, for you have disappointed me by your appalling silence, I will stamp my foot upon thy bearded chin"

"??"

"O Queen, I admire thy patience, thy courage, thy tenacity. You, my Queen, are to be admired, the namesake King has his speech stolen and yet still alive. My Queen, let your Son rise and let the Silence fall"

"!!"

"Bloody hound of the hand! I screamed and sang so much and this man still blinks and stares and looks at me with his worn out eyes and exclaimations and question marks. Cant he ever talk ? Let the queen go to hell with her son and whoever she wants to go with. I am out of my skin".

Thus spoke the snake from the desert, cast his old skin away, and with a new greenish whitish bluish skin, disappeared into the bushes.

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 2

2012-02-29T22:33:00.000-08:00

"It is unfair to expect men to understand women and still live with them, especially when what you've understood about them was what they were a day ago. Today they are completely different and by the time men realize that, it's either too little or too late. And tomorrow is another new day. A new woman!"

(After being thrown out of HIS house by the love of HIS life due to a very ambiguous statement which was something like, "Of course I love you! My friends think it cannot be anything else since I am still living with you!")

Hearsay, Heresy.. and well.. whatever.

2012-02-28T23:29:00.000-08:00

His belief in acting strange so that people will not shudder in revulsion when they discover some of his eccentricities was not very abnormal. This belief made him talk in a way people do not want to hear, behave in a manner people can only dream about behaving, and sing with a voice which is best left to the most horrible imaginations a sadist could conjure. Every sentient being in the known universe probably does that, what do you call it, defence mechanism?

But he was not limited to just strange behaviour. Sometimes he also came up with philosophical statements which were, err… well, how can you put it, pretentious?

Like an instance when he famously told his boss, "Do you think it is ok to shout aloud so that not even you can hear your echos?"

The small group of people who were unfortunately around to hear this thought 'provoking' statement swear that they actually saw the boss looking at Vinayaka Rama with a stare which could have been translated to, "Either you think you are too smart, or you believe I am really stupid. For this act of stupidity of yours, I am going to see to it that you are hanged till death".

Before the boss could phrase a befitting statement for a harsh reply, Vinayaka Rama had continued with his pondering which would have had the capability to change the history of world, if and only if he had said that God had told this to him. He had not said that, precisely, Vinayaka Rama had not said that, and not God.

"But I do think that is stupid. If I shout aloud to cover my echos, won't my shouting aloud come back to me as an echo which is louder than the echo I am trying to stop? I think it will lead to too much of noise which is ultimately too loud to hear and unworthy enough to make any kind of sense out of it"

Rumours have that that is when the boss told Vinayaka Rama to shut up and reminded him that he is paid to work and not to mouth statements which doesn’t say anything in fact. There are also rumours which go to the extent of saying that Vinayaka Rama countered that by saying that that is all we do - say things that don’t say much as no one wants to be the one person who has said stuff that came back to haunt him for the rest of his life. Of course, the minutes of the meeting did not document all these as it was not an official meeting and the small group of people who were present there were not supposed to be officially present, which is why, their statements cannot be termed 'official', which is another word for 'stamped to be the truth'. Unofficially, their statements were validated and found to be very close to the events that occurred. However, these statements were not recorded for the simple reason that they were unofficial, and any shade of truth which is unofficial can only be classified as, hearsay, or in extreme cases, heresy.

[Broken Message]

2012-02-23T05:24:00.000-08:00

Let. Go. Let Go. Let It Go.

Come. Back. Come Back. Begin.

Begin. From The End. End Not.

Go. Crazy. Go Crazy. Let. Go.

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 1

2012-02-23T02:52:00.000-08:00

"Whoever said skirts are formal wear have completely under-estimated the influence of 2 powerful natural forces.

Wind
Legs

Or... they are plainly blind"

The God Question

2012-02-22T18:07:00.001-08:00

It was a normal day for the preacher. He had those ignorant, false-god worshiping, false-religion following, yet-to-be saved people listen to his true words like lizards stuck to the wall. No, they weren't the lizards and nor was he the wall - probably, the opposite was truer, but let us not get into the unnecessary details. He held their rapt attention. He condemned their gods, told them how irrational was it to believe in stuff that was too magical to be true, brushed aside a question on the thin line of difference between magical stories that can be believed and that cannot be believed, offered them heaven, salvation, and a horde of other things, and finally, gave them a 'I am here to save you' smile.

"God sees everything", he said patronizingly, as if he were the god, "Every word you speak, every move that you make, every thought that you think, every vision that you have, every sight that you see, every action that you take.. God sees everything. Live by HIS rules, not someone who is false. Love HIM. Not someone who does not exist. You cannot escape him. You cannot deny him. He is your master. He is your king. He is your father. He is the true GOD. And, he sees, hears, feels, smells everything that you do!"

Vinayaka Rama woke up from his small siesta. He blinked, wondered if there was a movie going on, looked at the crowd in a very confused way, looked at the preacher embarassed, and in a slow, dazed, hesitating voice, said, "Uh... I think I missed something.. I was in deep thoughts like one of our earlier Prime Minister.. So this god that you talk about.. Is this god a voyeur or a dictator?"

The crowd looked at him for a couple of seconds and turned to the preacher for an answer.

2+2=7

2012-02-21T06:20:00.000-08:00

Big Boss -"Do you think if we merge these two teams, we could achieve our target of reduction in the number of resources we currently employ so that we can reduce our costs?"

Small Boss - "Team A does nothing that Team B is doing!"

Big Boss -"Well. Yes. That is exactly why we have two teams you know"

Small Boss - "So why do we not want to keep it separate?"

Big Boss -"Because we want to reduce the number of people"

Small Boss - "But they are .. Soo.. Different!"

Big Boss -"Exactly. Think about all the buzz we could generate! We could say, 'Efficiency through Synergy'!"

Small Boss - "I don't mean to be rude, but then, merging A and B is not the same as saying 2+3=7. It is something like, let's get 3 out of the way and convert it into 2. Basically, you will end up doing 2+2=7"

Big Boss -"You are a magician. We are achieving even more than we think we would! You are promoted!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that day, the diary of the Small Boss saw this entry:

"I said it was bad and he heard it as good. Or, does bad look good to him? May be, I think what is good is bad".

He struck all that and wrote again.

"Damn it. 2+2=7 and that is super synergy"

An Irrational Episode

2012-02-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

It was not my intention to reach heaven. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I had reached heaven. There wasn't a board. No road signs. No skyline. No human beings. Well. No beings at all. I assumed it was heaven because it looked like I was standing above the clouds and the whole bloody place was white. I have seen the movies. If the place is white, it either means you are in the hospital or in heaven. Either way, you are dead or soon to be dead. Of course yes, there are other places which can be in an all-white form. Like the studios. The art galleries - minus the art. But then, there was one 'dead' give away which erased all suspicions about the place not being Heaven. Standing right in front of me, in all his glory, in all his majestic nonchalance, in all his 'I am so kind, I created the word 'kind' as there was no other word' smile, was GOD.

"You know, you don't need to address me as 'him'!". He boomed.

So it turns out that the rumors are true. He is telepathic. Oops. 'He' again.

"But then, I did not address you at all. I mean, I did not even open my mouth!". I retorted.

"You choose to forget that I am telepathic? Do not deny that your silly little brain thought, 'This must be that GOD. This must be him. Yes. I am sure it is him' "

Yes. My brain definitely thought that, which means, I thought that. But, seriously, there should be a way to address someone, even if that someone is GOD?

"But what is wrong with 'He'?"

GOD sighed. "The feminists don't like it".

"Ah. THAT I understand. Probably you should just send another prophet down there and tell everyone to call you as 'She' or 'Her'"

"Tried that too. Actually, tried that first. The male chauvinists did not like it"

"Hmm. Probably, you should go with 'It' "

"Well. The fundamentalists from both male and female parties don't like it. They are a powerful block you know"

"So, what do you want to do about it?". I asked him. I was slightly angry and a shade sad too. GOD, the father (..or the mother, or the force, or the one.. or.. the..whatever...) was supposed to be the super-wise one. He should be guiding us through our confusions. He should be giving us our daily bread; he should not bred more trouble by having gender issues! I mean, there are already too many gender issues on earth, why on heaven should that be in heaven too?! Isn't heaven supposed to be free from all issues earth related? Bah. It's the more of the same everywhere. Nothing ever really changes anywhere. It's the same colour of a different shade, the same dish with a different taste, the same bike with a different headlight, the same everything with a slightly different something.

"I know what you are thinking" boomed GOD again. I think he is becoming a little fidgety.

"I heard that too. I am not fidgety!". He was clearly fidgeting. I should stop thinking before he strikes me down with his lightning, or trishul, or chakra, or whatever his (or her) current choice of weapon is.

"So", I said, with my 'I am so humble, humble as a word will never do justice to it' tone, "If you do not want me to address you as 'He' or 'Him', why are you in the form of a man?"

GOD now clearly had the look of a man who was asked the question, "If you just wanted someone to cook, you could have just got a cook. Did you really need to get married?!"

"Well.. err.. hmm.. uh.. you know.. uh.. it is.. well.. what do you say.. the norm?".

"The norm!" I literally screamed. "I thought you were supposed to be above all norms, and forms, and well, pretty much everything.. which is why you are in the sky.. above the earth, in the sky!"

"You don't get it" he sighed (boomed) exasperated. "I need to be accepted too"

The teenage problem now.

"People accept you.. which incidentally is the mother of all problems, as they do not know how to accept you, I mean, you have to tell them what you are. Probably tell them for good, what you are in reality!"

I was goooood, I thought. Terrific is the word. Who can get away preaching GOD about confidence, acceptance, and all sorts of psychological stuff.

GOD suddenly became all dewy eyed. He looked at me with the sort of look which normally says, "I just cannot understand what you are saying, but probably you make sense". He created a white coloured club chair out of thin air, sat on it with the grace of a cat landing on its feet after a jump, leaned towards me with a paternal look (it could have been maternal too, i am never really sure what is what), and asked, "So Vinayaka Rama, how do you think I should look like?"

I was aghast. This really was a mind-boggling question. Whole civilizations have destroyed themselves going to war with each other about their interpretations of GOD, and here I am, a confused, lazy, jobless man, being asked by GOD, what should he look like? Should I tell him that he should just be what he is? But, will that not sound a little, preachy? 'Be as you are', seems a little too new-age-ish too. GOD may not like it. After all, he is pretty old.

"I am not old" boomed GOD again.

"A request GOD. Can you switch your telepathy button off for a couple of minutes? You see, I am trying to help you, and trying to help the world. Prophet or not, I should be able to profit from this at least. I need to think. And I really cannot think when you are looking into my mind like a dirty peeping tom. It's like someone trying to peep through the door when I am taking bath! If the person is a beautiful girl, I still will be able to appreciate the effort, but that's not the point. The point is, I do not like peeping toms and you, sir, are making me feel like you are one". I hoped I had not gone too far.

GOD smiled. He was regaining his touch, which in actuality was bad news.

"Erm" he said, "Switched off"

Finally. I can think without being seen. So, I cannot say, 'Be as you are' as it sounds very new-age-ish. But it may very well go with the song 'Come as you are'. I think that can be the moola-mantra. The chief prayer. The eternal hymn. I need to find that Nirvana guy, what's his name, Kurt Cobain soon. I hope he is in this white-land, though I do not understand, how can some one stand this place. Looks like a white washed garage with clouds for effects.

"Do you have an answer?". He boomed again. He really needs to stop that. All that booming can get extremely boring without some additional instruments joining in.

"Not yet.." I said and was about to continue when he stopped my thought process again, with a question.

"Tell me, son. When you are frustrated with the world, when you feel that nothing is going right, when you just want to go find some peace, what do you do?"

I shrugged with a sort of arrogance which said 'I am a cool dude with a reckless attitude'. "You know, yeah, as you obviously know, I just go and have panipuri"

"Bingo" said GOD and disappeared even without a 'Poof'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The street opposite to the Ganesha temple in Koramangala saw a new panipuri guy that day. He was being harassed by the other panipuri-wallahs as he had barged into their territory to sell the panipuris. There were questions that were asked on the lines of, "Who the hell do you think you are?" to which the new guy did not have any answer for.

On another note, the evening newspapers that day were filled with reports of unnatural 'boom' sounds. Nobody knew what they were. Interestingly, they had stopped the way they had started - suddenly and without any prior notice. The Chief Minister blamed the Opposition Party for it while the Ruling Party President blamed the Chief Minister for it. The ultra-religious section blamed the immoral people for it (which was everyone who did not believe in their side of the story) - they said GOD was angry with people as they do not pray anymore. People were angry with GOD for everything - they said, "Did that GOD really have to create all these people?"

For once, they were right.

Things to do when you don't see your bus for twenty minutes ..... and counting..

2012-02-03T03:35:00.000-08:00

Check the time - Once in Two Minutes:
Yes. It helps to keep track of the time. So that you don't lose it. Do not read the books, do not listen to music, do not keep a check on the buses which are already in the bus stand, do not gape at beautiful girls (do not gape even if you are a girl and even if you are or not a lesbian) and the same thing applies if you are planning to gape at handsome guys. Just keep looking at your watch. If you hate watches, keep looking at your cellphones. If you are against being constantly connected, keep looking at the huge square, circular clocks in the bus stand. It does not matter if the time on the clock is accurate or not. Just have an eye on it. Slowly you will realize that you are not realizing anything.
Realization of unrealization is important. Also, it is important to realize that there are other things which are more least interesting than waiting for the darned bus to come. Like checking the time once in two minutes.

Inhale - Exhale:
Of course you would do it even without the tip. But there is more to this particular type of 'Inhale-Exhale' that I am talking about. This is something similar to what 'Art of Living' says - Give attention to inhaling and exhaling. You will not realize anything for the first couple of minutes (you can check the time - see the first tip). Slowly, you will start smelling smells which you did not know earlier existed. The first smell to hit you will be the wet pungent smell of the dustbin which is situated ten feet away. The second smell will be slightly confusing.
"Well well. I can smell the dustbin. But what is it with it? Is that a rotten tomato? Hmm. Probably it came with the sandwich. Sandwich?! How did I know there was a sandwich? Ah! I can smell stale cheese. That's right! And... chicken too ! So that was a chicken sandwich? Probably. Some onions too. Someone was really desperate to buy a sandwich in the bus stand. They ate the sandwich with the dust. Or.. they just ate the dust and threw the sandwich which is why I can smell the rotten tomatoes, the chicken, the onion, the cheese, but I cannot smell the dust. I think I am delusional! Now I am smelling a dead dog !"
Ok. Get back to just inhaling and exhaling. You boring piece of pig turd ! Huh !

Get Caught By The Cop:
Any city or town or village that you are in, you will definitely find a bar or a pub just a few meters away from the bus stand. All you need to do when you get bored is to go, have a drink, if possible - run away without paying the money, and sit in the bus stand in a place where everyone can see you and you can see everyone. Especially the cops. Sit still till the cops decide on just taking a walk. The moment you see a big belly and a long brown stick, get up, walk up to the big belly, and start a conversation. The topic can be as innocuous as, "Why do you have such a big tummy?" to as dangerous as "Do you actually think you are a cop?". A very important point here is to not stand still. Gravity should keep pulling you - once from the left and once from the right - and ensure that you lean on air, you lean on the tired, frustrated, passengers, you lean on the stick the man - who hopefully is a cop - is holding. Lean. That is the key. Talk. That is another key. And yawn. That's yet another BIG key. And don’t worry.
Remember that the police is for OUR safety. They will keep you SAFE! And most importantly, they will also relieve you of your boredom.

Eat. Talk.
If there is one activity that can charge even the best of the minds, it is eating. Ok, make it two. If there two activities that can charge the best of the minds, they are eating and talking. They are more effective when done together. Go to the earlier talked about sandwich shop, buy a sandwich, it doesn't matter what sandwich it is, stuff your mouth with a huge piece, call up your wife (or your husband.. depending on your preference and taste), shout at her (or him.. depending on how you want to perceive them), spill the pieces in your mouth on the floor, do not bother if you are spraying others with the saliva pasted sandwich bits, give them a cold stare for staring at you (how mannerless they are, eh?!), apologize (not to the sprayed but to your wife/husband), but say that you have just been bad when you could have been worse, snigger, and bang the phone down.
Throw the half eaten sandwich into the dustbin and hope that someone will do the Inhale-Exhale exercise.

Now, this is not the end of the list. There are better ones. And I hope I will be coming with them to you soon,

How To Waste Your Saturday?

2011-12-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

Let us get this clear first. It is important that you decide you are not going to waste your weekend. Unless this decision is taken, all other things that you do, words that you speak, shows that you watch, are simply meaningless in every sense. Why? Simply because, the absence is felt only when you know something should have been present. We mourn for people who died, not for those who were never born.

Hmm. So this Saturday, you were planning to pay those bills, once for all, finally. The government gives a shit about your work timings. It does not care if you need to be at office from 9 to 9. All it cares about is the money that you cough up for the service that you normally do not receive. Which is why, you end up paying for the broadband internet which is either too slow to respond or too bothered to respond. So what is wrong with the online payment? REALLY?! Why do you think the bills are pending for the last how many ever months they are pending for? You see, the online payment system just almost always has some severe fault lines and only those people who have suffered at the hands of this atrociously inefficient form of bill payment system know what kind of a health hazard it is. To explain with an example, let us see what usually happens on a step by step basis.

You are in love with the internet. After all, it allows you to pay your bill online. Which means, you do not have to go in the horrible sun to stand in the horrible queues, look at the man behind the counter who is taking your money and giving you that horrible attitude.
You login. You still have that smug smile which says, "Fuck the queue. Long live internet"
You type in your card number. You type in your name and passwords. And with a content look on the face which can beat that smug, proud face of the teenager who has just experienced his first kiss, you click on submit.
You realize that there is an unexpected error.
You also realize that money has disappeared from your account.
Now you wonder, if it is not in your account and if you have not received the payment receipt, where the hell is your money !
After all the ramblings, the whines, the curses, and the load of anti-everything statements, you pledge that you are going to do something about it soon, probably next Saturday.

Half of your Saturday is now chopped and the bits thrown to the dogs. You see those blood thirsty mongrels pounce on the half that was thrown to them. The half that is not thrown but as ravaged as the eaten half stares at you like your parents who have just caught you making out with your girl. Ewww. Sick. Why could they not just leave?!

You have an urge to do something about the wasted half, you search for any washed clothes that you have so that you can go out, find that there aren't, which is unsurprising as you have not gone near the washing machine for exactly 33 days now, abandon plans to go out, and firmly tell yourself, "This is it. I am washing everything TODAY. NOW". You search for the pile of unwashed clothes, which is not hard to find as there is a small mountain of dirty, stinking, greyish brown clothes in the dark corner of the smelly room. You grab them all, carry them to the washing machine, pour a handful of extremely powerful detergent liquid, fill water, and switch the machine on before you dump the clothes in.

The machine doesn't run.

You switch it off. Check the wires. Check the connection. Gently tap the machine and switch it on again. The machine does not make even a sound. No whizzing. Nothing. You shake it, softly at first, very hard later, and still it stays the same. Silent. It just does not show even a semblance of life. Dead. As simple as that.

Exasperated, tired, depressed, you trudge into your room and slump on the floor like a wet towel. So, the bill cannot be payed because the internet hates you, you cannot go out because the clothes hate you, you cannot wash the clothes because the washing machine hates you, and you muse, "Why oh why, the world has so much hatred, i feel like a stale fish fry".

You decide against calling the repair man. You shudder at the prospect of trying to call him, being unable to reach him, and believing that even he hates you. No. That is for tomorrow. For today, you are just going to rest your tired back, lean it on the couch, take control of the remote, and watch Doctor Who. Ah. At least, he does not hate you. Phew !

So, by the time the shows are over (the obsession is not just with Doctor Who, which leads to the fact that there were many shows that captured your attention which led you to be in a reclining position till 9 in the night), it is 9 ! It is 9 !!!! The sun has set and you did not even realize. You killed your Saturday! You utterly loathsome son of a lovable mother! You strangled it to death! Why don't you cremate it? At least you can respect your dead Saturday in its death! You cruel Jabberwocky... Off with your head!

You are not a party animal. Well, since you are a cruel Jabberwocky, it's obvious that you are not a party animal. Anyway, since you are not a party animal due to various debatable reasons, you finish your dinner in a place run by Vijay Bhayya who has come from Uttar Pradesh - sometimes you wonder if he is a god sent person as he provides you those hot samosas with scalding tea - which is another debatable question, and you leave it at that. You walk back to your house, cursing yourself all along for the time that you wasted just by relaxing, lying on the comfortable couch, watching Doctor Who decimate the Daleks, and then you stumble across the question that you stumble across on every Saturday night....

... well.... I did relax, didn't I?

Wish You A Happy (?) New Year (&#@!)

2011-12-23T01:02:00.000-08:00

It is that time of the year again.

There are celebrations marking the death of the year. Some claim that the death had occurred precisely 360 days ago, but in this world of conspiracy theorists, happiness-shredding-optimism-chopping sadists, professional party goers, these sort of claims do not tend to seep in. After all, if you cannot celebrate the death of the year where your resolutions died a natural death - probably 360 days ago - what can you celebrate? Death of your wife ? You got to be kidding. Do you really think she will leave you alive after that ?

This is that time of the year when there is a general optimism around the normally sulking cubicles. The smiles are radiant, the faces are hope-seeking (yes, it was supposed to remind you of heat-seeking missiles), the tone is very much sing-song, the walk almost looks like a foreplay for a dance. Secret Santa invariably makes his presence, whether some of the 'What the heck are we celebrating' people really give him a damn or not. Gifts fall from the skies, from 'Landmark's, from the 'Fancy and Gift Shop's, and from the old cupboard where the old gifts were stored. Well, don’t cringe. It is the spirit of giving that matters. Not the spirit of newness.

No. It is not that I hate this time of the year though. I don’t love it, and I don’t hate it too. In that regard, I am like an atheist who is interested in understanding religions even though not keen on joining any of them. An outsiders perspective of something that is unexplainable and illogical is always more refreshing than being a part of the queue which is leading to the school of irrational studies. December 31st to me is no more exciting than November 30th or February 28th. It is much more exciting than September 20th though, for the simple fact that I get paid on December 31st while September 20th for me is still ten days away from an exciting event. The dawn of yet another new number that is going to stay with you for fifty two more weeks, give and take, is to tell it in a very frank way, is more or less as exciting as saying, "This is the girl you are going to live with for the rest of your life and you can do nothing about it". If you are the 'Yay!' types, you have my sympathy for you know not what you are getting in to. If you are the 'Aarrggh' types, you have my sympathy too for you know you have been sentenced to death as the constitution very specifically bars your existence.

Now, in this short outburst of agony, surprise, and probably as you might have started wondering, ignorance, if I have managed to spike that glass of 'I am happy' drink with some god-knows-what bitter potion, I have done my job. I know that these bunch of thoughts look half cooked, under baked, malnourished, incomplete, but right now - I am just too bothered to even think about the new year that every one is really ecstatic about. It is enough hard work writing, it is a thankless job writing about things that you hate thinking about, and you expect me to go gaga about the new year celebrations? Huh. By the way, is it ok if I hate Lady Gaga as much as I hate new year celebrations too ? Because I really do.

Wish You A Happy (?) New Year (&#@!)

Digging goes bonkers

2011-12-04T22:10:00.001-08:00

You pull out some boulders first. Then you find out that under the boulders are iron rods which are rusting. There is also a cement mixer, a sand-loaded lorry, a top-blown bus, a wheel-missing auto and a headless body of a young man.

"What am I digging here? Is this a historical site or a man-machine graveyard?" you ponder.

You also discover some pieces of marble. That white-stone which has made Taj the moon on earth was a surprise you are not prepared to receive. But then, you are not even prepared to find a body under the boulders when all that you are looking for is some copper coins and bronze vessels. Well, if you are lucky you might stumble upon coins made of gold and silver, but yeah, that is that. You don’t really want to discover a tomb full of jewels, nor do you want to uncover a truth which might change the world, that is not what you are digging for. A few not-so-precious possessions is all that you desire, for the more precious things you possess the less precious is your life and the lives of others connected with yours.

There are some pieces of plastic which have remained the same after all these years. God knows how long they have been here, you have dug pretty deep now, dug under the headless body. They still seem fresh, like they were manufactured a couple of months back in a brand new plastic factory which also manufactures plastic for those nauseatingly perfect, rather, trying to be perfect, Barbie dolls. You look at them with disgust, you now know why people in general, green people in particular love to loathe it. It just never goes away. Even if you dig deep. Even if you burn well. Even if you dump them in a sewage which ends up in the pristine blue ocean. It just never ever goes away.

You dig deeper. You don’t intend to find skeletons in a cupboard. You actually don’t expect to find cupboards there. But there it is. A nice, shiny, grown-up human sized cupboard. You don’t want to open it. You have strongly smelling suspicion that opening it will open a can of worms which will only multiply once they come out. There is an urge to still peep into it, but finally your mind wins over your heart. You push it aside, without opening the doors and dig deeper.

You dig deeper till you realize the dug hole is so deep you cannot get yourself out of the hole. Damn it. You aint got a rope. You aint got a ladder.

You look up and scream. You hope there is someone who will listen.

You despair. You realize.

Before you get in, ponder. Have you brought a long enough ladder?

What you know, Is your problem. Period.

2011-11-13T02:41:00.001-08:00

Overheard outside a meeting room which wasn’t big enough for 20 people, but then, that’s not the purpose of a meeting room, I mean, to accommodate. The purpose is to meet, if they wanted to meet. If you think that they could have met anywhere other than a meeting room too, like probably in a lavatory as that is where meetings unofficially happen, that is completely your problem.

----------------------------------------

“This is awesome”

“I agree. I have never seen anything like this in my 30 agonising years”

“I mean, look at it. Who would’ve thought we could grow like this. Look at the graph. Rising and rising like a.. a.. you know.. say something..”

“As you said, awesome is the word”

“Isn’t that the word!”

“Yeah. I guess you got it right this time”

A soft, gentle, almost-on-the-death-bed, doubtful voice crept across the meeting room like a sperm whale in the big bad beautiful blue ocean.

“Pardon me for my transgression here, but, aren’t we looking at the expense chart?”

“I have never seen anything like this in my 30 agonising years. Shoot the messenger”

DHISKYOON !