Thoughts of Him

No such thing as a shortcut

2015-01-29T17:34:00.000-06:00

So maybe this is one of those "Duh, Carly. Why did that take you so long to figure out?" sort of things, but what I've really started to realize is that ...wow... there are no shortcuts for walking with the Lord. Did that blow anyone else's mind besides mine?

So David and I changed what our diet looks like back in August (#shoutout #nutritarianlifestyle) and we've been loving it! But one thing about eating healthy is that if in, say, one week you chose to replace one all-too-american-cheeseburger-and-fries meal with a salad, you're probably not going to make a lot of progress on any health or fitness goals. Just taking a diet pill or juicing things doesn't get you to where you want to be (at least not in the best and healthiest ways possible). I didn't log on to talk about physical food, though. Here's my point: Walking in a daily relationship with God is exactly the same way.

Just like food, which takes a conscious choice every single meal, learning to lean on Jesus takes a conscious choice every single moment. This seems like bad news for people like me who really take a lot to get motivated to do something that is so constant.

Here's what I'm good at (or starting to get good at):
Reading my bible most days of the week
Praying for other people on a regular basis
Going to church
Going to bible study (we call it "Gospel Community" at our church, or "GC")
Hanging out with believing friends
Admitting how much I stink to my accountability partner (or "Fight Club" partner)

And here's my struggle:
Meaningfully connecting with God on a daily basis
Remembering how much He loves me
Recognizing how He passionately pursues me (even though I don't deserve it!)
Remembering how much and how desperately I need Him because I can't do it
Remembering that He is pleased with me because when He looks at me, He sees Jesus' good and perfect deeds, not the mess I continuously make of myself

And I can't help but notice that everything in the first section is something that you can cross off of a to-do list, while all things in the second section involve my heart at a deeper level.

There was a time when my relationship with Him was so incredibly rich that I felt like I didn't lack a thing. And I've been through seasons where I don't know what to do except go through to motions until something happens to change the connectivity issue. And when I'm in those seasons, I feel so powerless to change it at all. (Which is probably because I am powerless...but God isn't!)

And the issue that I've realized lately is that there are no shortcuts to being connected to God in a meaningful, life-altering kind of way. What it's going to take is an intentional, consistent letting down of the barriers that surround my heart that I've grown accustomed to just leaving up. And I don't think I have that issue with other people, just with God. I think, in part, because He scares me. He could ask me to do anything, and I would have no choice but to go along with it. There's a lot of "safety" in distancing yourself from the Creator...but then He can't create new things inside of you, or through you for that matter. #thestruggleisREAL, especially when it comes to wanting Him more than I want my comfort.

So I want to "commit" to Him. I want to commit to daily seeking His heart. I want to know Him richly again. And there are no shortcuts. #whew #herewego

#sorryforthehashtags #Ithinktheyrefunny

Carly W

Floating Thoughts

2014-04-12T14:09:00.001-05:00

So I've more or less been on this "journey of self-discovery" (and by that I mean dreaming of all the possibilities that the future could hold for me in the way of career/ministry) for a while now, and I don't know how far down the trail I've gotten yet. That's okay for now because I think there needs to be a certain level of unknown involved. That's what keeps your eyes open and your heart humble. I'll go ahead and admit that sometimes it's a little frustrating not knowing what the next step is, and, at times, even more frustrating feeling like all of my time is tied up in responsible grown-up things (mainly I mean work, here) and at the end of the day I don't have much time or energy to put into things that push me towards my own goals and desires.

Out of everything I can see myself doing in the future, I honestly would like to pursue writing at some capacity. I don't know if that means sticking with a blog or publishing a book!

When I dare to admit this book possibility, so many lies pop into my head about how I can't do it, how there are so many obstacles, how it would be such an investment risk...etc. The list is quite long, actually.

But I feel like I have thoughts to share with the world... With specific people in the world, even. I think one thing that God is trying to teach me is that yeah, I don't know how to publish or market or network or whatever, but for now what I need to do is focus on being obedient in the next step on this journey. I can't do any of those other things and it isn't even time to worry about them yet, but when it is time, God is the One who is supposed to see it through if it's something He has asked of me. I really don't have much to do with the equation.

I apologize if these thoughts seem disjoint. (I know that probably isn't good advertising for any book...) But these are things floating around in my head for the time being.

Hopefully there are more profound things to come! lol

Carly

First Thoughts: The Future

2014-01-07T16:41:00.003-06:00

Okay, so it's a good thing that this is digital media and only collects digital dust. If this were on the bookshelf I'd be sneezing right now trying to open it and write in it.

I'm finding myself at an interesting place at the start of this year. I'm finding myself being fairly introspective in the realm of my job. I'm reading this book that's really interesting (it's called "48 Days to the Work You Love") and wondering what my ideal job and career situation looks like. Now this is a little more complicated than it used to be because now I'm married (!) and have to think very long-term about how work fits into my life anymore. I have to figure out how working fits with a future family and how graduate school for both David (hubby) and I both get to happen.

For those who don't know, David is currently working on his Master's degree in music performance. So for now I'm the one bringing home the bacon. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I'm just wondering if there's some way I can do things I love and make all the monies. Long-term I think that's an excellent goal. But all of my crochet prowess times three isn't going to bring home as much bacon as I already do.

Also, I'm not saying that I'm giving up on my dream counselor position. I still have a heart for people who are in relationships (pre-dating, dating, courting, engagement, marriage) and still think that I can help. But let me be real for a second...there's a lot about that thought that intimidates me. How do I know what's best for people? Plus, there are a lot of situations that, at this point in time, I have no idea how to deal with. I know that's what further education is for, but still, these types of thoughts haunt me.

Anyway, this blog is supposed to be about what God is teaching me, right? Well, yeah. I don't know that I have any specific thing to say except that I know He has it all figured out. He's given me abilities and passions for a reason. I would guess that reason is that He expects me to use them.

If anyone sees a job listing for a singing, tap dancing, crocheting pre-marital counselor let me know. I'd be willing to give it a shot.

Thanks for reading!
CRW<3

A Part to Play

2012-11-12T10:24:00.001-06:00

John 12:27-28: "Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But for this purpose is have come to this hour. Father, glorify Your Name." --Jesus

It was the plan that Jesus would suffer greatly. Why do I complain when it's part of God's plan for me to go though trials? He is no less Good in the midst of it all;in fact, He is shows His Goodness by allowing / causing these slight sufferings in my life. He is for me, He never does anything that is not the to my benefit! So what should my response be when He brings trials my way? Sincere gratitude for His desire to grow me. Is that not something I ask Him for? Is that not something I desire? To be growing ever-closer to Him? For character that has His handwriting on it? For patience? For endurance? For faithfulness toward Him? He desires these things for me in ways and capacities I don't even know and am not even capable of desiring for myself.

Should I doubt His heart? No, not at all. He wants the very best for me and from me. Should I doubt His judgement, then? No, He's the One who sees all things. Should I doubt His plan? Of course not. He is the Great Orchestrator. In His symphony, may I play my part well.

But that takes practice, as well as a very clear understanding of what part is mine to play. Who am I to worry or groan when He gives me opportunity to work on improving my part? There will be a day when all the saints will play their parts perfectly. A day when Jesus returns and all anyone will be able to do is fall at His feet and proclaim that HE is Lord. Every day until then is preparation. Every day until then is a chance to be that much more ready. Whether that's basking in His glorious blessings and provisions, or choosing to press on through difficulties. So tune your instruments, everyone!

Does He--the Sovereign One, the Mighty Redeemer, our Holy Father, Glorious God--not deserve everything we have to give? And we are even incapable of giving Him what He deserves completely, simply by His definition, and ours.

So tune your instruments, learn your part, and play like you've never played before - for His Glory and Fame. Let us be a beautiful symphony for all the world to hear, that they may know Him who orchestrates it all. <3

Some thoughts from a pretty wise Scottish guy...

2012-03-27T12:03:00.000-05:00

So I've been studying in Luke for a while now, a little at a time. I've been using a commentary-type book by William Barclay. [If you've seen me hashtag "WBarclay", this is why.] Yesterday had some really good stuff, so I thought I'd share!

"The End of the World's Values"
Luke 6:20-26
"To talk like that is to put an end to the world's values altogether."

Jesus takes all of the norms and accepted standards, and then flips them upside-down... Jesus says 'happy', the world says 'wretched'; the world says 'happy', Jesus says 'wretched'.

The key is in vs 24: "Woe to you who are rich because you have all the comfort you are going to get." Ol' Will says that in that verse, the word Jesus used for 'have' means literally having received payment in full of an account.

"What Jesus is saying is this, 'If you set your heart and bend your whole energies to obtain the things which the world values, you will get them--but that is all you will ever get.'...But if on the other hand you set your heart and bend all your energies to be utterly loyal to God and true to Christ, you will run into all kinds of trouble; you may by the world's standards look unhappy, but much of your payment is still to come; and it will be joy eternal."
Read 2 Corinthians 4:17. It will probably sound familiar!
[Not in any way should eternal glories and rewards for ourselves be our motivation for following Christ, but what I really feel like is being said here is that 'This may seem undoable, impossible, and like it will last forever BUT there is hope for something much bigger, better, and greater than what you're dealing with now!' I can remember a couple different times in my life when what I was going through seemed far too big to conquer, far too scary to face, and far too impossible to overcome. And the very clear and precise words my heart heard from what I knew had to be the very lips of the Father were these:

"Just hold on a little bit longer."

And with those words, Peace flooded my heart, and Hope--instead of dread, fear, or worry--for the future came in quantities that were more than sufficient. Those are some of the most clear, most precious words that I've had the joy of hearing and believing.]

Back to Barclay...
"If you take the world's way, you must abandon the values of Christ. If you take Christ's way, you must abandon the values of the world....The challenge of the beatitudes is-will you be happy in the world's way, or in Christ's way?"

We all have that same choice, you know. Before deciding (or even if you already have), take a minute to reflect on which cost is probably greater, but in the end (and in the present, too!) will be so much more than worth it.

Love you all! Thanks for reading :)

Oh, Blog, It's Been Far Too Long...

2012-02-18T15:30:00.000-06:00

Hello all! Wow! I didn't realize how long it's been since I've graced you with my words or wisdom! (TOTALLY kidding.) It would take like...307 posts to tell you everything God has shown me since October, so I'm not sure that going through everything step-by-step, post-by-post since then is such a great idea. (I really feel like you'd all give up on me after like...3 of them or something, and I sure wouldn't blame you!)

Even now, God is teaching me bunches, so I sit here in my little chair in my living room, struggling with what to share! One thing that's been very much in the forefront of my mind/life/thoughts/recent sermons/things I've been reading/my experience with other people--Sheesh, when God wants you to learn something He won't hesitate to shell it out full-force. Anyway--is simply the fact that God must be what fills you.

How many times do we seek things that we think are going to sustain us or make us happy when in all kinds of reality, they can't. They just can't.

I don't claim to know a lot, but this is something I do know (very very very very well, I might add):

We were created to have a void in us that ONLY He is able to fill. (You're probably nodding your head in agreement, saying to yourself 'well, yeah. duh', and reading that statement passively. Most of the time, that's probably how I would operate, too. So do me a favor--I'm going to say it again, and this time, PLEASE let the weight of that statement sink in. Ready? Are you sure? I really don't want anyone to miss this!! Okay, here goes...)

We were created to have a void in us that ONLY He is able to fill.

Did you catch it that time? I'll say it again if I need to. This can't be missed.
We were created to have a void in us that ONLY He is able to fill.

Starting to get the picture? Okay, good. I pray ever so sincerely that you'd apply this truth in your life--no matter what that may mean! If that means changing habit or priorities or allowing Christ to captivate you all over again or even for the first time, then so be it!*
*(If you would like to discuss what that means for you or you need some encouragement, then I HIGHLY encourage you to seek someone out to share with!)

For me, allowing God to be what fills me means not allowing myself to be filled by other things. Whether this be school, work, family, any kind of relationship with any kind of other person...These things are good things that He gives us (see 2 Samuel 7:28, Matthew 7:11, Psalm 84:11, 34:10, 104:28, 107:9....there are a lot.), and I believe that He really wants to give us good things! But these good things can't take the place of the ultimate Good thing--God Himself. Notice the difference between good thing and Good thing.

So question...if God wants to give us what's good, and the best of what's good is what's Good, then what does He desire to give us most?? He wants to give us Himself! We were created to have a "God-shaped hole in our hearts" (like my mom used to say, God bless her! But really, what an incredible example to follow! Love you!), and as humans, our natural, sinful, and first instinct is to reach for whatever we can find to fill it.---EVEN as believers! But see, brothers and sisters, those things don't, can't, and won't satisfy us. The hole, or void in us really is God-shaped. It's like a puzzle. There's only one thing that's supposed to fit there! And in this particular case, we can even try to put multiple pieces in there at the same time, and it will still never fit or be enough! All we end up doing is making a complete MESS of everything. Romans 7:18-24 captures this thought well. I can speak to that one from my own personal experience. (If you want to know more, please ask! I would be honored if God would use my experience to help someone else!!)

I can tell you that I've unintentionally tried filling that void with things and people besides God. I can also tell you that it didn't work out so well.

So here's my point, I guess...

We were created to have a void in us that ONLY He is able to fill.

It is my hope and prayer, dear friends, that we can lock arms and walk toward Him together! We may be encouraging and affirming each other along the way, but let's make sure that we don't get distracted by one another. Our goal should remain the same--to be continuously and fervently seeking our Savior, and finding every and all of our satisfaction, fulfillment, joy, peace, love, hope, beauty in Him and Him alone.

Who's up for it?!!

Let's Love with Facts

2011-10-18T12:19:00.000-05:00

Sunday, as church was wrapping up, God brought a thought into my head. So I wanted to write it down before my scattered mind lost it forever. (Sad and true...) It was awesome what happened when I put the pen to the paper--much like the energizer bunny, it kept going and...well, you get the picture. :)

This is what came out:

*NOTE*
There are some things in here that I didn't say outright. BUT at the same time, I really do want you to
know what I mean by them. So leave a comment/question... let's spark some Jesus-centered discussion!

Love with Fact
Carly Donaldson
10/16/2011

When I run out of cowardice, laziness sets in. I sit, I stew, I'm convicted, I'm bruised, I'm unused. I allow it to happen, I welcome it in. This precious disease comes to light, seeping out through my skin. I'm complacent, then impatient. I complain about something that's my own fault. I'd love to blame, but I'm the one who should be ashamed. I fall so short, but it's like I don't even try to reach. I need to leap, I need to strive, so many times I'm not even alive. Just existing, wasting everyone's time with these nothing, disgusting pursuits of mine. Why is it that I just trod along? No purpose, no wisdom, nothing to show for it. I'd tell you I care, that I'm striving for gold, but as my actions declare, I'd obviously rather just sit in the cold. I need fire, I need life. I need Passion again. And the kind that makes me get up and dance instead of pass on the chance. I pass on the Joy, I pass on the Peace. I don't understand that I have to pursue the things my soul needs. I sit idle, unmoving, unchanging, stubborn day by day. It's no wonder everyone else turns away, I would too. I do. I in myself am worth nothing at all. There's no use for my flesh. It's Christ I need: to just fill me all the way up, with nothing left to be hidden from Him--or anyone else. My life should reflect, my actions should match. If I said, "This is my heart" who would dare believe me? Of course I would doubt. I talk with my mouth, but my actions deceive. My mind is tricked, but does it even want to see? Does it want to understand? Does it want to give in? In this life, on this earth, can I be more than just skin? I'm getting more desperate, restless. God, sink in! Take over my heart. From experience I know that without You, it all falls COMPLETELY apart. There's no need, there's no cause. My mind is confused, my heart is so lost. Then the battle gets lost. Demolish myself-there's no need to exist. Forget I'm here, forget about lists and schedules and time. Forget about the world--can I just call you mine? Forget to pursue anything or anyone except for the Holy You. Take it all, take me away. Take me out of the equasion, just throw me away. Make me crumble, make me let You choose. I'm down. I'm done. I've got absolutely nothing left to lose. Earthly pursuits hold no muse. I've traveled that way, I've done my time. I'm ready, I hope, to get past this uselessness of mine. Take me, shape me, build me from scratch. I would tell You I love You, but I want it to be true. I can say it all day long, but with my actions, I have to choose. I want to love You more and love You better. Help my heart to be serious about that. I't not about feeling, it's all about fact.

Scars

2011-08-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

So, God and I got to talking the other day...
We were talking about scars.

I was driving, my right hand on the wheel for a bit. I kept noticing the spot on the back of my hand where I had scraped it the previous day.
     "Oh great," I thought to myself, "I'll have another scar on that hand once it heals."
For a second, I was torn...I almost thought it a good thing, and then thought better of it, deciding that it was only going to mark my skin forever and make it somehow less attractive to look at. But then God used it to get my attention.

I began thinking about emotional and spiritual scars. I thought about how I was going to have huge, ugly scars from everything relating to the entire past year+ (how now I was somehow unlikable and even unlovable to the person who had claimed to love me so much for 11 1/2 months). I thought about the mark that would leave on me.
     "Is there any way that scars can be beautiful?" I found myself asking my heavenly Father; glad that before I had even gotten the question thought, He was already providing Peace about the answer.
     "Scars are reminders of where you've been," He replied.
     "But I don't want to remember the pain it took to get them. That just hurts. Why do I need a reminder of how much it hurt when he chose not to love me anymore? I don't want to be reminded of that."
And then thoughts of my (true) future husband flew into my mind.
     "Will I still be beautiful to him--even with these scars? After being so broken apart by all of this?"
A feeling not unlike having dirt on my face in the presence of some important company came to me. All I wanted to do was wash it off, to get rid of what marked me so well. But then He spoke again:
     "By remembering where you've been, you get to remember just what it is you've overcome along the way." Relief and Peace swept into my heart as I realized: My scars truly will make me more beautiful if I let them.

I've already been feeling as though I've defeated some incredible, strong, fierce beasts in the recent past; This confirmed that fact in my mind and heart. Not so that I could boast and say, "Hey! Look what I've done! Look how I've gotten through!" Absolutely NOT! Instead, "Look how Good God is! Look how God has used these things in my life to grow me! Look at how fierce His Love for me that He would take such wonderful care of me!" (MUCH better!)

Then I was able to think about my (invisible, but very REAL) scars in a new way. A way in which the phrase 'battle scars' can apply. While they may not be the most pretty thing to look at, what they stand for, what they show about you means so much more.

By looking at them, someone else can see where you've been, and appreciate how you've gotten from there to here. And not in a way that you get pitied, but in a way such that you have something to show for your efforts. And even more importantly, God's glory gets to take center stage as you share that it's all and only because of Him that you have thrived in the worst of circumstances.

So several things about scars came to my attention... (1) They may not be pretty, but they'll fade with time. (2) They're something to be thankful for. Because without them marking you, you wouldn't have gotten to where you are now. So in a way, (3) they're kind of a beautiful thing, making you more unique along the way (we all know how I love to be unique! lol :) ), and also how they've made you stronger along the way as well. They mold and shape you to be the person God intended you to be from the very beginning. (You know, before sin got in the way.) And lastly, (4) they're a reminder of the fact that the person you used to be doesn't have to play a part in who God is growing you to be. You have to know that the pain will continue to fade for the rest of your life (IF you let it of course). For some people, they have had so many scars thrust upon them that they are unrecognizable--for better or worse, only they get to choose.

Scars aren't something you can or should wish away or hold on to forever. They're reminders of the triumphs you've had by thwarting the enemy every time you get the chance by not letting the pain consume you. They're reminders of how we've overcome and what we've overcome. We learn, we apply what we learn to our lives, and then we only remember that which makes us stronger and helps us to grow.

So as far as scars are concerned, I definitely don't want to say 'bring them on'. But I've decided to welcome the ones I have with open arms. I will embrace the marks they give my emotional and spiritual appearance, and I will lean from them as I move forward, knowing that it is by God's Grace and Goodness that I can say I have triumphed! <3

James 1:2-4
Galatians 6:17

Storms: Burden or Blessing?

2011-06-20T22:31:00.002-05:00

As it starts to thunder and lightning outside, I start thinking of how much I like thunderstorms. They're exciting and powerful and perhaps even a bit dangerous. But there's also a lot of mystery involved... You don't know exactly when the lightning will strike, or where. You don't know how loud the thunder is going to be until you hear it roll.

When I was a kid, I wasn't scared to death of storms, but I can remember that at times, they really weren't my favorite. I had younger siblings who were quite frightened, though. I remembered trying to comfort them and tell them that it was going to be okay. But no matter how much I tried to calm them down, they were still always ready to run into mom and dad's room for safety. An older brother or sister is able to give advice, and even comfort and encourage their younger siblings, but they're really no contest with a mom or dad to shelter them and make them feel secure.

So let's take this and run with an analogy... (something I love to do! Especially when it can help us gain some insight into our Creator.)

Here's your key:
thunderstorms = storms and trials of life
older sibling = someone who has been a believer longer (generally speaking, but not necessarily), and has some wisdom to share
parents = God

Now think of that story in this new context. It's pretty cool how God can use something on our terms to help us understand something much bigger, isn't it? That's what Jesus did when He told parables.

So, God, Creator of thunderstorms, is also the creator/allower of the storms we face in our lives. So it's good and necessary to seek wise counsel here on earth from fellow believers. We have to do that! That's why being a Christ-follower isn't a go-it-alone project. God gave us each other to sharpen each other, and to encourage each other. But in the storms that He allows us to go through in our lives, ultimately, it's Him that we have to run to. He's the One with stronger arms, He's the One who sees the entire picture. He's our greatest Comforter, and the only One who is able to satisfy our fears and doubts in the midst of the storms.

Why isn't it our first response to run to Him when the storms hit? In our moments of greatest weakness, it's His job to be strong. But He can't do that unless we run as fast as we can into His arms, and seek His comfort. Sadly, I think that a lot of us are much unlike my younger siblings all that time ago, because their very first instinct was to run across the hall into my parent's bedroom and jump in their bed. They wanted nothing more than to feel safe. After all, parents are bigger than older sisters. Their arms are stronger. They know how to comfort better. They make us feel safer.

So question...how in the world do we try and get by without seeking God's comfort? After all, God is bigger than anyone here on earth that would help us. He's so much more strong, there's not a way to compare anyone to Him (Psalm 9:9; when it says "stronghold", it literally means strong hold). He knows how to comfort better, too (Psalm 23:4, 119:50, Isaiah 51:12a, 66:13, Jeremiah 31:13). There's no one that could make us feel more safe than the One who has the storms under His control (Matthew 10:26-31, 8:23-27).

So it's really cool, but God has/is totally teaching me to run to Him. He's had to bring on the storms so He could teach me, which (as hard as they are,) I have to count them as absolute blessings from Him. (Perhaps this is the part where you scratch your head and think to yourself, 'Now how does that make sense? Being thankful for storms?') You heard me right! (Well, technically you read it....but you knew what I meant, okay? :) )Yes, He's teaching me to be THANKFUL for the storms in my life! That's the other thing I wish to address...

In church a couple of weeks ago, my mind couldn't help but think on the fact that everything God allows or causes is for a reason. Let me put the pieces of that puzzle together real quick before we move on:
1) God is not bound by time
2) therefore, God is able to see the entire picture, not only of our lives, but of how everything fits so perfectly into His plan
3) God has a plan
4) God's plan is absolutely perfect, because He is absolutely Perfect. (Think about it...He's literally the author of perfection!!)
5) God is all-powerful
6) therefore, God is able to see His plan through
7) God always always ALWAYS has our best interest at the forefront of His plan, and actions (okay, how many times have we all heard Jeremiah 29:11 in our lives? Seriously! Anytime we've ever sung that song in church, it sticks in my head all too well. (lol) )

Okay, time for a sum-up. 1+2+3+4+5+6+7=God allows hardships in our lives FOR OUR BENEFIT!

It's absolutely impossible to know the mind of God, because He is so so so so SO set apart from us. BUT something I've been hearing a ton from an "older sibling" lately is this: "Even if you can't see God's hand, you have to learn to trust His heart." Meaning this- even if we aren't able to see how storms are blessings (especially in the midst of them!!), we have GOT to trust that God (A) has control of absolutely everything, and (B) knows what He's doing!

God has really been teaching me all of this in what I'll call "real life terms". I'm guessing that I've probably known intellectually everything I've said so far since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. (Don't judge me.) But only now is God showing me and teaching me what it means in the real world, when storms do happen. And so in light of ALL of this, what other conclusion is to be had than that I have no choice but to be thankful??!

Let me just put it this way... Me? I don't really know so much. Especially when you compare what I know to what God knows...yikes! But God?? What doesn't He know??! So do I want to choose what's best for me? Heck no, techno!!! How could I do that? I don't even know what's best for me! But God does. How can I not want Him to be the One who figures my life out for me? (fyi, He already has) And guess what? Storms are a part of that. But He allows them to cause me to grow and to seek my shelter in His strong, strong arms. What choice do I have but to run to Him? He's the only One who is fit to hold my heart safe when there's rain and lightning all around me? He holds my heart safe and secure from the wind and the storm by holding it next to His.

Princesses and Purpose

2011-04-02T14:26:00.000-05:00

Wow. Okay, I really have to tell you what happened last night (and more importantly the result of it!).

Grahame went to lunch with his grandma on Thursday. I got a text while I was in class from Grahame:
"grandmas orders, I have to take you on a date."
(the next text said ":)" lol)

I didn't have to work last night (Friday), and Grahame was free, too. So we went to one of our favorite restaurants, had a cannoli, and had a wonderful time. It's still fairly early, and Grahame asks if I want to go see what's playing at the $2 theater. (of course I said yes) And the only thing that was playing soon after our arrival was the Disney movie "Tangled", about Rapunzel. (FANTASTIC, I highly recommend it!! Grahame just may have *cough* laughed *cough*cough* as much as I did...*cough* :) It was really funny)

**DISCLAIMER** Some of my word choice may seem kind of funny and/or cheesy. Please just go with it. It's the truth, and it's really the only way to describe it.

So, I go through the whole movie relating to Rapunzel in almost every single way. She had been very sheltered (ok, so this one is a little more extreme for her since she is locked in a tower her entire 18-year life), and was very naive when it came to dealing with the world because she hadn't grown up in it. Seemingly from nowhere, the man she would end up falling in love with and marrying comes and takes her on an adventure. (you can see how Rapunzel and I are similar here, yes? :) ) And I just kept looking at her big, green eyes! Just like all fairytales, the handsome, brave young man saves her in the nick of time, but he dies in the process. (thank goodness that Rapunzel's tears are magical and have healing power!) So he lives again and they know now that they love each other. They share 'true love's kiss', and get married and live happily ever after. (Hang in there men, I'm getting to the point, I promise.)

So I can literally relate to pretty much everything that happens to her...except for one thing...

Toward the very end of it, something hit me right in the heart. I definitely didn't see it coming...There was a scene when Rapunzel--the lost princess--got reunited with the king and queen (her mother and father). There they both were, and there was Rapunzel. There was a short few seconds of them looking at her and her looking at them, and then her mother walked forward and embraced her. That was all fine and good, and a happy warm-fuzzy for the heart, just like anyone would expect it to be. But then, while Rapunzel was hugging her mom, she and her dad caught each other's eye. His eyes said, "welcome home" and hers gave away that she was ready to accept him as her father. He was like the final piece of a previously unfinished puzzle.Which made me realize that mine was still unfinished... And it just hit me where it hurt the most. (I'm tearing up right now just remembering it.)

I just remember thinking, "Oh... That's where my fairytale ends..." That was the one thing she had that I couldn't. Her biological father to welcome her home and to love her.

We walked out of the theater, Grahame putting his jacket chivalrously over my shoulders, and putting his arm around me. We got in the car and started driving, and I just couldn't get the king's face when he looks at his daughter out of my head. Grahame is so wonderful, he can tell pretty much instantly when something is wrong. And he doesn't stop asking me what's wrong until I tell him. (Thank you so much for that, Grahame.) And I said, "This may sound silly, but..." I told him how I had related to the movie so, so closely. And I told him about that one second when Rapunzel and her dad make eye contact for the first time. Grahame listened faithfully and attentively as I spoke through my sobbing. We got back to campus, where he would drop me off, but God wasn't finished with our evening yet.

Grahame parked the car as soon as he could, and I just wept and wept in his arms. I remember exclaiming through my tears, "It's not fair! It's just not fair!" more than once. And suddenly I found myself being comforted by more than one pair of arms. I don't think I've ever felt so physically comforted before by my Heavenly Father. Both of them were reminding me that I did have a Father. One who is Perfect in His Love for me, and He welcomes me constantly into His arms. God spoke both through Grahame in those moments and also directly to me.

All of a sudden, I noticed more emotions in me than just sorrow. I started to feel hope. I knew where it was coming from of course. And that Hope just spread right through me. I knew that everything was going to be okay (and more than just okay). Life suddenly had more potential than I had ever dreamed of. There was so much Hope for that fairytale ending because I knew that someday I would be welcomed home by the One who loves me the most.

Are you crying yet? 'Cause I've thrown away three tissues already.

And with that Hope came Peace and pure, unhindered Joy that penetrated my heart right down to the core. I was so overwhelmed by everything. I just couldn't stop crying. (Grahame, thank you again for your shoulder and for speaking the words God gave you to speak. They helped facilitate one of the most incredible encounters with God that I've ever experienced. And those words don't really cut it, but they're the closest things I have to convey what's in my heart to you right now.) And there goes tissue number four.

After all of that, God decided to instill a new purpose in me, and set my course toward a goal that I pray will bring Him glory, honor, and fame. Let me just say, it's an incredible feeling to have purpose. And to know that when you're working for the Lord, you are accomplishing great, and incredible things for His Name and Kingdom. It was like everything clicked. All of a sudden, I knew what I was being called to do.

I know that I'm a princess, my Father is the King of kings, after all. But how many girls are alive right now at this very moment who don't have an earthly father who don't know they have a Heavenly One? I couldn't tell you a number, but I know that it's entirely too many.

"I have to tell them. He wants me to tell them. They don't know what I know yet, and I'm the one that has to tell them. I have to. They have to know... They HAVE to know!" I found these words coming out of my mouth. So full of conviction and passion, I knew that there was a task (and not an easy one) that God was calling me to. There are so many girls out there who have been through what I have, and a lot of them have been through so much worse. They have to know the Hope that is found in the Father. They have to know that they are loved so, so dearly. They have to know that they are beautiful. They have to know that there is One who wants to welcome them home and to embrace them in His Powerful and Gentle arms.

If I don't tell them, who will? They have to know that there is Hope for this life, and Hope for eternity. They have to know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). They have to know that the King is enthralled by their beauty (Psalm 45:11). They have to know that He helps them and rescues them; He saves them from the wicked, and they can go to Him for protection (Psalm 37:39-40).

And they have to know that they are worthy of being loved.

And I have to tell them.

Relient K is more profound than most people think

2011-03-02T11:19:00.000-06:00

"For the Moments I Feel Faint"

When I'm tempted to think:

"Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?"

A Voice in my head says:

"Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus.
When the world around you crumbles,
He will be strong, He will be strong."

Sometimes it's difficult to keep moving forward...

"I throw up my hands--oh the impossibilities!
Frustrated and tired, where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear."

But I know that it's what I'm called to. And I don't have to do it alone:

"Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus.
When the world around you crumbles,
He will be strong, He will be strong."

"I think I can't. I think I can't. But I think You can, I think You can.
I think I can't. I think I can't. But I think You can.
I gather my inefficiencies and place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands."

I place them in Your hands, God. <3