Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother

Death is brutal in its finality...

2019-02-02T11:27:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted on this blog in a long time. My girls grew up, went off to college , graduated and moved out to start their own lives. So I wasn't being confronted with the day to day struggles of children in the public school system. The recent death of my nephew who was like a son to me got me thinking about our roles as parents. We are always parents to our children no matter how old they are and where life takes them. My nephew was 42 and he died of cardiac arrest brought on by kidney failure. We were in the process of organizing an effort to find a kidney donor for him but he didn't make it. His name was Kirk and he was wonderfully talented and charismatic. He made a lot of decisions in his life that I didn't agree with and which held him back from reaching his full potential. I tired tough love with him because I didn't want to enable him in his bad decision making. Looking back now I wish I had made sure he knew that while I was rejecting some of his bad decisions I was in no way rejecting him. I hope he knew how much I loved him and how proud I was of his efforts to get his life back on track. Parents if you have a difficult child and you have decided to use tough love so that you don't enable destructive behavior, please let your children know how much you love them. Please let them know that you don't reject them, let them know that they are precious and that they matter to you. Death is brutal in its finality. After they are gone it is too late.

I despair

2015-03-10T14:28:00.001-07:00

I despair about the world that my grandchildren will inherit. We are living in a time when our young men learn about sex by watching pornography and where our young girls are being sexualized at an earlier and earlier age. What can concerned parents do?

2015-03-10T14:25:00.002-07:00

I despair sometimes about the life my grandchildren will inherit. We are creating a world where young boys are learning about sex by watchcing pornography and where our young girls are being sexualized at an earlier and earlier age. What can concerned parents do?

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: It has been a long time since I posted anything o...

2014-11-02T07:34:00.001-08:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother:
It has been a long time since I posted anything o...: It has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog...life got in the way and my two girls grew up and are now both in College. A n...

2014-11-02T07:33:00.004-08:00

It has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog...life got in the way and my two girls grew up and are now both in College. A new set of concerns now fills my thoughts as the mother of women in college. We hear all the stories of binge drinking and sexual abuse of women in college. Have we created a culture in which young men, raised on pornography and sexualised images everywhere view women as fair game for sexual exploits? Do our young women allow themselves to be put in vulnerable situations to find acceptance and "love"?

How can I empower my daughters without making therm afraid and close minded?

2013-10-04T00:48:00.002-07:00

Who are the role models for our girls? Is it Miley Cyrus? She wants to start a movement?? Mothers should start a movement of their own we need to commit ourselves to being the role models for our daughters of what a strong empowered woman looks like. If we don't fill that role then it is left to the likes of Miley Cyrus to be an inspiration? for our girls. is that what we want as mothers?

2013-04-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Prom time is coming up, Mothers are we counselling our daughters on their self worth rather than sexual objects to be ogled,pawed and hooked up with on Prom Night.
Take the opportunity to make this a lesson in empowerment for our daughters!

@audreyaheslop

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: TIME TO GET SERIOUS

2011-06-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: TIME TO GET SERIOUS: "Hello to the blogosphere! I had to take a time out from blogging to attend to a few personal issues but I am back!! In the interim my baby ..."

TIME TO GET SERIOUS

2011-06-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

Hello to the blogosphere! I had to take a time out from blogging to attend to a few personal issues but I am back!!

In the interim my baby graduated from High School and is on her way to college in New York in the fall!. I am so happy for her and so relieved that she was able to navigate the public school system here in Georgia and get into College. Let me tell you it was not easy as it seems to me that the school system here is geared towards putting roadblocks in the way of our children's success. It is crazy but I think the schools are so bogged down with bureaucracy and so afraid of being sued/investigated that they have forgotten that the main purpose of a school is to educate. It is not to provide jobs for teachers and administrators or to prop up a system. Our children should be the main focus and sadly based on my experience with the public school system in this state, our children are very low on the list of priorities.

So I say it is time to get serious, serious about the state of our Public Schools, serious about our role as Parents and realizing that we cannot sit back and wait for the government to do something,these are our children who are leaving school as ignorant as they went in. These are our children who are being passed through a system and graduated, but who cannot write a whole paragraph in English that is well constructed and grammatically correct. We have to get serious, our children's future depends on it.

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Taking a Breather

2011-04-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Taking a Breather: "It has been a few weeks since I posted . I have been caught up with Prom preparation and college visits and wrestling with financial aid fo..."

Taking a Breather

2011-04-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a few weeks since I posted . I have been caught up with Prom preparation and college visits and wrestling with financial aid forms so that my daughter can go off to College in August. Why is the whole College application and financing process so complicated? I consider myself a fairly intelligent person and I confess to being flummoxed by this whole process. It seems like the process is designed to put off regular ordinary people and frustrate them and have a College education remain this unattainable goal for most people. This is the 21st century surely there must be a way to simplify this process and make it less of a maze and bureaucratic minefield?

Am I being paranoid?

Parents struggling with the College process tell me what you think?

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Privacy - Part 2

2011-04-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Privacy - Part 2: "Dear Diary Back to the issue of privacy for our children. I have been giving a lot of thought to this over the past few days. On the one ha..."

Privacy - Part 2

2011-04-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Back to the issue of privacy for our children. I have been giving a lot of thought to this over the past few days. On the one hand I don't want to give up control of my home and abdicate my responsibility as a parent, but on the other hand I want to treat my daughters with the respect that they deserve. How do you find the balance?

Having thought about it, I have reset the ground rules with my daughters and we will have to wait and see how things work out.

I will no longer go into their rooms and look around when they are not home.
I do reserve the right to have surprise inspections but I will only do so with them present either in the house or in the room.
My 14 year old is still not allowed to be on face book/my space/ or any other social media platform where information and images can be shared. This will be revisited on her 15th birthday.
I reserve the right to inspect my 14 year old daughter's cell phone. I will not insist on knowing the password but she must show me the cell phone on demand so I can have a quick look.

I believe that as parents we cannot be afraid of establishing rules and boundaries for our children for fear of upsetting them or making them angry at us. Children want and need rules and boundaries no matter how much they kick against them. I was very strict with my eldest daughter and from when she was 11 until she turned 17 I was known as "the mean mommy from hell". But I am glad I stayed strong and stayed the course and held up my responsibility to be a parent. My daughter is a Senior in High School and on her way to College in the fall and she recently told me that she was glad I was so strict with her as kept out of trouble and was able to focus on her education and that she was grateful. That made me feel very good as a Mother and helped to look back on all the fights and the drama and trauma we went through and to know it was worth it.

Parents, especially single Moms, don't give up on trying to be the best parent you can be, set the rules,insist they be kept, keep on even when they are broken, be consistent, be involved and don't be afraid of your child's anger or resentment, they will get over it and they will thank you in the end.

Privacy

2011-04-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Today I want to talk about privacy, how much privacy do we give our children without giving up control of our homes and abdicating our responsibilities as parents. I started to think about this recently when my daughter challenged me about going into her room when she was not home. She accused me of invading her privacy and not respecting her space. My first reaction was an angry one and I said all the usual things with eyes bulging and frothing at the mouth...who do you think you are? this is my house and I will go anywhere I please, since you are not paying rent you don't have any 'space' that can be invaded! You know all the usual stuff we parents say in these situations.

But that incident stayed with me and I have been thinking about it a lot. I try to teach my children to be respectful of other people, their feelings, their possessions, their space, but am I guilty of failing to give my daughter the respect that I insist that she give me? Does the fact that she is a minor who is dependent on me mean that she is not to be afforded the respect that I would give to a stranger? As a parent where do you draw the line?

This is a difficult one, I will have to think on it some more.

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Life Lessons League

2011-03-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Life Lessons League: "Dear Diary Today I am brainstorming for ideas about how to help our young people especially our Girls( please forgive my bias as a..."

copyright@antoinettesimmons

Life Lessons League

2011-03-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Today I am brainstorming for ideas about how to help our young people especially our Girls( please forgive my bias as a Mom of 2 girls their issues are up front and center with me). I was thinking about all the different sports and entertainment activities that are offered in school and the sex education and drivers ed and those other things and then I thought who is teaching , coaching and mentoring our Girls about life?

Who is teaching them about how to cook nutritious meals, how to set a dinner table, simple flower arranging, how to set a budget, career choices, how to enrich their lives through music, theatre and the arts in general. How to throw a dinner party, host a luncheon, become active in the community, become an advocate for some cause they are passionate about. Who is introducing them to the wider world out there, exposing them to different cultures and world views, getting them interested in travelling so they can broaden their horizons.

I know that a lot of what I am talking about is available in schools in a sort of ad hoc way, and a lot of Parents are already doing these things for their children and I applaud them for that. My focus is really on the Girls who do not have the benefit of parents and other adults in their lives to help them with these life lessons and who cannot benefit from it at school right now. Just we have basketball, volleyball and other sports leagues, what about an activity that brings all of these disparate things together in one programme that could be offered in schools and "taught" by parent volunteers?. It would be an opportunity to mentor and to become involved in the lives of the children and invest our time and talent into them.

I am going to put an Action Plan together and present it to my Daughters' school via the PTA. Still trying to push ahead with the Parenting Forum...will keep you posted.

It Does Take A Village!

2011-03-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

I am sure that we as parents are all familiar with the much maligned phrase...' it takes a village to raise a child'. People use this phrase all the time without really considering the truth of it and how very relevant it is in our society today.

The fact is that many parents are struggling to raise their children and to provide a stable loving home environment where their children will flourish. This is true of both single parent and two parent households. Raising children in these times is hard work! and sometimes while I want parents to step up and take responsibility, everybody needs help. We all need help and support at some time in our lives and especially with so important a task as raising children.

My challenge to Parents today is to look around you, where is your "village"? Where can you contribute to raising of a child not your own? Is there anyway that you can help the other parents in your "village" and in doing so receive some help yourself? As parents we all have something that we can contribute to make our communities and neighbourhoods better.

Maybe today we can look around and actually see the children in our neighbourhood and instead of writing them off and thinking thank God my kids are not like that, perhaps we can give them an encouraging word or smile, get to know them. You would be surprised how much they have in common with your own children.

Parents where is your "village" and what are you doing to make a positive impact on the lives of the children who live there?

Take Care of Yourself..for your children's sake!

2011-03-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

I am thinking sombre thoughts today...last night I watched a documentary about Breast Cancer and it really stopped me in my tracks. It was painful to see how those families suffered with their loved ones who were battling Cancer. It made me stop and think, how would my children and family cope if I got ill and worst case died from Cancer or some other disease? It would devastate them.

I now realise that by not taking care of myself and my health I am being selfish and doing a disservice to my children and my family. Mothers are you doing your breast self-examinations?, mammograms and other early detection and preventative screenings? Fathers what about those prostate exams? Let us as parents ask ourselves if we are doing all we can do to live healthy lives so that we can be around for our children and for their children.

If we are not, then it is time to start. there is no time like the present!

TGIF

2011-03-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Today I was riding in my car with my 18 year old daughter who is a High School Senior. We were just celebrating the fact that it is Friday and looking forward to the weekend.

Out of nowhere she say Mommy I fear for the future with my generation that is coming up.She said Mommy I don't tell you half of what is going on at school and in the life of these children because I know you would freak out and never want me to go to school at all.

Parents our children are leading some very depraved , sordid lives out there. There was an incident at a popular High School where there was blood drive organised by the Senior class as a way of giving back to the community. The only problem was more than half of the senior class tested positive for an STD so they could not give blood. They had all been passing around the STD to each other. Isn't that some bull shizzle? Doesn't that make you want to weep for these children?

So Parents TGIF...but this week end take a little time to look at your children, really look at them, look into their eyes...can you see how much they are suffering?

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Stop being so selfish!

2011-03-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Stop being so selfish!: "Dear Diary Yesterday I was in my car listening to the Michael Baisden show. They were talking about battles being waged ..."

Stop being so selfish!

2011-03-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Yesterday I was in my car listening to the Michael Baisden show. They were talking about battles being waged in court over custody, visitation and child support. It just brought home to me how some children are victimised by selfish parents who think nothing of using them as pawns in a game of revenge against a former spouse. They will prevent a child from seeing a parent, poison the minds of children against a parent all to appease their ego or to "get back" at a ex spouse or partner. In the midst of all this a poor child is suffering and being scarred for life.

Children are not our possessions to be used by us in some selfish twisted game. Children are a gift from God and should be cherished and nurtured and cared for like the precious jewels they are. So next time you see some young girl acting out or some young man acting the fool, before you label them as h#es and thugs, stop and think a minute about what they might be going through at home and then instead of a harsh word or look, a kind word and some encouragement may be just what they need.

All of us Parents need to stop being so selfish and to look at our children ( not just our biological children) as precious gems and treat them as such.

Is this generation of Girls lost?

2011-03-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Today I want to talk to Black Mothers and in fact all Mothers about our girls.I am the mother of 2 girls so forgive me if my thoughts are focused almost exclusively on the issues that concern our Daughters.

When did our Girls lose their pride in themselves and their respect for their bodies?

When did our Girls buy into the lie that they are 'meat', only valuable for what is between their legs?

When did our Girls begin to accept being treated like the bitc#*s and h#es that the rappers talk about?

When did our Girls begin to lose their aspirations and buy into the notion that it more important to be pretty and popular than to be smart and virtuous?

Have we lost this generation? Do we just give up and start with the 3 and 4 year old now?

Parents is it too late?

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Why is it so difficult?

2011-03-11T07:54:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on Parenting by a Black Mother: Why is it so difficult?: "Dear Diary Took a break from blogging to work on setting up a Parenting Forum at my daughter's school. Guess what this sh#t is hard! So man..."

Why is it so difficult?

2011-03-11T07:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Took a break from blogging to work on setting up a Parenting Forum at my daughter's school. Guess what this sh#t is hard!

So many obstacles are put in our way when we want to do something positive, it is very frustrating to deal with all the red tape and attitude you get. People seem to think you have some kind of ulterior motive and angle that you are trying to play. But the fact that it is difficult is no excuse to give up and throw up our hands and say it can't be done. Our children are worth fighting for, worth the hassle, worth the headache worth the time and effort. I want to see Parenting Forums in all schools as a place and resource for parents who are struggling to raise their children can go to for help.

A place where they can share their frustrations and difficulties and get practical hands on help from other parents and not just a booklet and some vague advice about "being there" for their children. Many parents are struggling with keeping control in their own homes, especially single working mothers who are raising more than one child. We must find creative , practical ways to help each other and in doing so help our children.

I am looking for suggestions as I have to write a proposal to get this parenting forum launched.

Tell me what kind of help and advice would you want to get as parent?

What kind of practical help could you provide to other parents?

Is this kind of thing appropriate at school or should we focus on the Church and Community groups to get this done?

Come on Parents! Talk to me!

Today I am all about solutions!

2011-03-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Had to take a break this week end to clear my head and think some good thoughts. I was getting too caught up with looking at all the negatives, all the things that are wrong and it was bringing me down. Then today on the news I heard about 2 students at a local High School in Atlanta where I live, caught having sex in class and my heart broke for these children who are so lost and misguided that they thought it was a good idea to have a 'quickie' in class while a movie was being shown. What can we do? What can I do?

I want to start a Parenting League at my daughter's High School. I want to provide a resource where parents can get together to provide counselling, guidance, help and support for each other as we try to raise our children together. I want to provide parenting classes /interventions for parents who are struggling to deal with their children and who do not have the resources for family counselling and child psychologists.

I am going to contact my daughter's school today to talk to them about it and see what I need to do to make this happen. I will keep you updated with my progress. Parents our children need us! It is time for us to get in the fight our children's future.

copyright@antoinette simmons