Thoughts on wheels

can you bielieve this

2012-03-19T21:38:00.000-04:00

I have had one of those weeks today. In three days from Saturday until now I have had a rough time. My cat has broken my computer. She knocked over my computer and broke the screen. I need to turn in a time sheet from a substituting job. This sheet is of course, in my computer. I need to do taxes also found on my computer. After a great day singing cheesy music from old musicals, I come home to find a letter from my stupid a&4*hole mortgage company. According to them, I have missed two payments on my mortgage. My records say that I have not missed any. When you see the words Intent To Foreclose written on a letter you tend to panic. I hope I don't have to go to court but I may have no choice. Well I am writing this from my phone. Don't wanna go over my data plan. Take care

Thinking of my cat

2012-03-11T20:02:00.000-04:00

While I'm sitting in bed at night I have a lot of anxious thoughts. What if I never get a steady job again? What if they stop helping with the mortgage before I get regular work? If I die before the mortgage is paid will the house sit and rot? Who will bury me? who will care for my animals? Will I ever feel content with my life? (The answer to the last question is no by the way. There is always something to work on or work towards.) Most of these questions will stop when I take my pill for anxiety. If I don't want to medicate myself out of these thoughts all the time I consider Fat boy.

Through life's crazy set of circumstances my four legged grand son cat got bitten by and animal and has to be under quarantine for a total of 6 months. He sits in a cage all the time. Sometimes he cries for attention or to get his litter cleaned but basically he's still a happy boy. I caught him playing with a ball in his cage the other day. He doesn't even really try to escape any more. He knows someone will be there to feed him and love him and clean his litter at least once a day. Some might say this broke his spirit. I don't think so. I think he thinks "Okay. I'm in this crappy cage. I don't know why but my human grandma says I gotta stay. At least she comes by to feed me, change my litter and love me a bit. Maybe I can deal with it."

I am learning to do the same. No job? right now I can deal with it. Food stamps and other assistance has been a huge help and I have survived so far. I am worried about my home. Well I have paid all the payments I was supposed to so far and I am taking one month at a time.for now that is all I have. I don't really worry about my death I just worry about the animals and such I might leave behind. I hope someone is there to love them .

I don't always feel loved and supported these days. I have no boyfriend or whatever and family is sporadic at best but I have learned from Fat boy Take what comes. Fight when you have to hang in there and be patient Your time will come. Take care.

I have been looking into history lately.

2012-03-04T23:32:00.000-05:00

There are a few eras in history I am particularly fascinated with. I am fascinated with WWII and the holocaust and the internment of the Japanese. I think about the murder of millions of people and the fact that many people knew or had a good idea what was going on and did nothing, while others risked their lives and some just did whatever they could. In the United States we placed people of Japanese decent into internment camps. We may not have been as brazen to kill them. We just housed them in upscale prisoner of war camps even though many of them were not soldiers or prisoners of any kind. That was in the forties.

Fast forward two decades and there are now struggles for racial equality. Some people risked their lives. Some people wanted things to remain the same. Some people did what they could to support change. On HBO there is a documentary called The Loving Story. In this documentary an interracial married couple in Virginia challenges the laws that make interracial marriage illegal. They challenged the law in the supreme court of the United States and won. Now people of any race can marry each other. This whole fight was started by writing a letter.

We in the United States seem to like our prejudices. Racial, ethnic, disability and sexual orientation it does not seem to matter someone is always less than someone else in someones eyes. For those of us that truly hate this, we do not know what to do. If the prejudice does not affect our group we do nothing. I hope anyone reading this remembers that doing nothing gets us nowhere. We cannot believe in the rights of one group over another if we believe in equality. We may not all may not risk our lives. Some of us can speak, some of us can write, most of us can vote. If we fight for equality we fight for everyone any way we can. Take care

There is always something new coming up

2012-02-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

I am quite confused about something. I have had a rescue button on my wrist for almost 7 years now. I have shown the picture before. It looks like this...

This button is there in case I have an emergency. I have used it on sometimes. It gives my family and I some peace of mind that someone can come quickly if I am sick or in trouble. I recently got permission from the state for the people who manage my care to pay for this device. Except they have not paid it yet. I have called my case manager and heard nothing from him. I know his mom was ill. I hope nothing has happened. By the same token what am I supposed to do here? Do I pay it myself? It is over 100 dollars and will take a big chunk of my money. I may have no choice. I don't need something else going to collections and I have been feeling as though things were getting better for me slowly but surely. This would really put a damper on things. I think the best thing for me to do here is to call DDA and find out if the lack of payment is due to this medicaid issue. I have been trying to get reinstated on the medicaid waiver for some time now. As of Friday, I have not been reinstated yet. That may mean that the plan that I make with Epilepsy every year is not valid. If that is the case, he may not have to pay this bill yet. Though I wish I had gotten some notice.

These are the complicated parts of this disability system I hate so much but have to deal with. The really scary part is that eventually I may lose my care provider. If my care is paid for by this waiver and I don't have the waiver it could really cause problems. Not to mention the fact that my care provider may be out of a job that she and I really need. It's time for me to sit on the phone and find out my rights and tell someone off if need be. If the changes in someones life are going to be this monumental, Notice of those changes should be required. I am so sick of this crap. Wish me luck. Take care

Any given Sunday

2012-02-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

On most Sundays people are home watching sports on TV. I am watching TV and movies. Most of the movies and things that I watch I don't even watch on TV. I tend to watch them on computer. I have been watching a show called Who do you think you are? It traces celebrity ancestry. I know that the people are chosen ahead of the investigation on TV because their families are interesting. I still like to watch the show. I have tried to look into my own family a bit to see if anything interesting pops up. I have not gotten very far. The local Nabb research center in a local college in the area has lots of information on local people. Neither side of my family is from this area. (Thank God sometimes) I hear it's a good place to research local history.

My family is up set with me for what I wrote on my last blog. I am sorry if they feel misrepresented. It's not like they never help. They have done a lot. But I do still feel that it might be more for the money than for other reasons. This is my blog and these are my thoughts and feelings and I will not hide from them. I have been asked not to contact them and I will respect their wishes. My hope is that there is eventually some way to work this out. If there isn't I am prepared to deal with that. Families often have crazy fights for different reasons. My family is no different. A few members of my immediate family are on some kind of disability. Those that are able to work are not able to find employment. If we are working, we can only do so much. This is a big part of this stress. None of us like living on whatever government monies we get. We all deal with it as best we can. Fights are going to happen and that's it. Spending time away from everyone may be what's needed now. I am finishing up the night with Funny Girl a soda, and a cuddle with the four legged children. Not a bad day. Take care

Not doing too well today

2012-02-05T19:42:00.000-05:00

I have spent most of my day today dealing with four legged children. My grand cat in kitty jail is still doing OK. He demands a lot of attention. Most of the attention is because he is lonely. I understand that. I am lonely too. That is one thing I really hate about this area. Anyone worth my time is already taken. I am not one of these women that goes from man to man looking for someone to take care of me and I won't settle for whoever is around so that I can have a man. To top this, my care provider's boyfriend died and she already has someone interested in her. I can't convince any guy I like to like me and I can't stand the men that like me. Looks like I am going to be the crazy cat lady after all.

I am also beginning to wonder if my family is just coming to help me as just a source for money. They said they wanted to come over and help with the cat and clean. They have not been here in about 5 or 6 days. I told them I did not have much money. They said whatever I could give was fine. I gave them 48 dollars. This was supposed to buy cat litter, gas money and a coffee and bagel. My family told me by the time they bought all the cat litter and the coffee and bagel and put gas in the car there wasn't enough money for them to get a coffee. I got told off. I got told that my family member was never coming back to help. What could I do? I told them I didn't have much money. I said they could come back and I would give them money. They could have called me and told me that they wanted a coffee and were running out of money. I would have told them buy one smaller bag of litter. This could have been worked out many different ways but it wasn't. Now they are mad and I am upset.People with disabilities often get taken advantage of. I am not sure this is happening here but I don't like the odds. Anyway that's all for now. Hope my friends help me through Valentine's day. If you are alone on this day e mail me. We can commiserate together.

One Month out

2012-01-22T16:46:00.000-05:00

We are one month into our quarantine. So far he is doing really well. He is eating, sleeping and using the bathroom as normal. He is lonely. He cries when he is lonely. If it is too bad, I have to go in and see what's up. My family is cleaning his cage and I am managing his food and water thanks to some basic modifications. The cage is not on the floor but up on an old refrigerator. We are using an old door for a utility shelf. This helps me handle his food and clean his litter without having to leave the room. I am doing OK so far and my grand kitty is hanging in there.

My biggest issues right now is filling out more paperwork for stuff and hoping and praying I get a working chair soon. I am skating by and I need to handle the rest of my own business as soon as possible. It is really getting on my nerves. Not to mention the fact that everyone is sick here. My housemate decided to walk around sick for two weeks without seeing a doctor. He does have basic insurance. It would have covered this. Now my brother is sick, my care provider is sick and I am headed there.

I have to be out all day tomorrow. I have an interview at a local college. I have tried to teach there for years now. I don't expect to get the job. I want this opportunity to shake hands and meet people. Maybe it will turn into something. I sure hope so. I am running a small temp now so I am going to finish watching a movie, visit my grand kitty and rest. Take care

Things keep rolling.

2012-01-15T17:09:00.000-05:00

It has been almost a month since my my baby boy had his injury. It has been 10 days since his quarantine. My boy is going strong. He has almost finished his anti biotic. He is eating and pooping and peeing. He just hates being in a cage. He cries for visitors every few hours. At night though he begins to settle down. I cannot believe I have to do this for 6 months. Everything I have read says by three months if a cat isn't showing signs of rabies, he probably isn't rabid. It can take up to 6 months in dogs. I think the law in my state doesn't make a distinction between cats and dogs. That means 10 days down, 5 months and 21 days to go. I have not heard from my local health department either. This doesn't bother me yet but it will if it goes months without a visit.

I am still without motor. It has gone almost three months basically being stuck. From all the info I have found out its going to be at least another month. I am only on Medicaid right now. My medicare doesn't start until FEB 2 2012. The people who fix my chair won't fix it without payment. I have to wait 40 business days to know if I am getting money to fix my chair. In the meantime I am still pushing around in my cheap push chair. I can't work, I go out via transit every once in a while. But it truly sucks. To top everything, my care provider does not have a working car. It will cost a lot of money to get it fixed. Someone has to come on Sundays and help me and she needs to depend on friends until she figures out what to do. She has to work through the day until 5 every day. that means I get no privacy and I have no time to myself. We like each other but we are getting on each others nerves. This new year is not starting well. I am really trying to change my life but good things are not happening. I need to breathe and handle one crisis at a time. I am A LOT stronger than some people give me credit for and it should pay off for me sometime.

Despite these setbacks, I am hopeful all will work out. Prayers and suggestions are welcome. Take care and work for what you want in life.

Wow I did not realize

2012-01-08T18:03:00.000-05:00

Wow I did not realize it has been this long since I wrote. Its been almost a month. The good news is I made it through the new year. The bad news is I hate the way this year is starting. I have not worked at all. My care provider's car has died and even worse her man friend has died as well. I feel bad for her but he has been ill for over a year. She said he was ready to go and he went.

Let's add another wrinkle to this mess. It has been over 1 month since I had a working wheelchair. I have been using a manual chair for over a month. Gosh I hate it.and my last and biggest issue.is this guy. This is my four legged grand cat. Just before Christmas he went out and got messed up some how. I found a big hole in his chest and belly area. I and my family put some anti biotic ointment on him. After the new year we called a vet. My cat was walking and eating and everything so I just wanted to check the wound and make sure it was not infected. Turns out the vet said he was bitten by something. Since we don't know what bit him and I was not able to get him in on the last rabies clinic. I either have to quarantine him for 6 months, or put him down. I chose the quarantine. He has been in quarantine for three days now and it is hard on all of us. My boy is angry and gets upset easily. He is in a cage in the back room of my home. You can imagine how he feels. I just don't think he is sick and I am willing to wait out these 6 months to give him a chance at life. Pray for him and me. Take care

Just a note.

2011-12-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

OK so I have been bad and not posting the way I wold like to. This is a bad time of year for me too. My Father passed away December 6, 2001. It has been 10 years and I miss him every day, I know He had his issues but he did love me and want the best for me. I wonder what he thinks now that things are going better but I am still basically unemployed. Is it hard for him to be proud of me now? I really miss taking him to lunch on his birthday and watching him with my four legged children. He doesn't know any of the ones I have now. I miss you dad and love you.

On the upside of life, all Christmas presents have been ordered. I have stayed within a decent budget this year with only immediate family and care providers getting gifts. I am waiting for 2 to come in. I had to order a lot online because my chair has finally had it and broke down about 3 weeks ago this Wednesday. I like ordering online because you get more choices. I don't like ordering online because I hate to pay shipping costs for what I might be able to get here. I also hate waiting for packages. Especially for Christmases and Birthdays. I always worry that they won't be in in time. I have a few more days before I really need to be concerned. I just wait and hope.

Living without a motorized chair has been the real challenge. I am used to going where I want when I want. I actually had to give up a substitute job because I can't get out without help. That is bad but there was really nothing I could do. It's really frustrating when you have a chance to work and can't because you can't get there. As a person diagnosed with depression, all of these challenges and issues build up and this time of year and I kick into survival mode. But I'm still here. I have a birthday coming up and I actually am looking foreword to it. In any case, That is what's up for now. Catch up with everyone later and take care.

OK The race begins.

2011-11-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

As you can read I survived Thanksgiving with my family. I am still pretty pissed that the money was stolen. I have had further bad luck in that my chair is severely broken. It will probably take weeks to fix. Luckily it seems that my insurance will cover all of this so I just need to wait. I am not good at waiting. I am impatient and really grouchy. I do the best I can though. Thank God I have a care provider. With me not able to leave the house without help. She has helped pay bills and been huge in making sure things get done. I have paid my mortgage for this month despite the fact that my money was stolen. I now need to pay my monthly bills and hope I have money left for Christmas. I will get a better idea what I will have as my regular bills get paid. Honestly I expect it to be real close to breaking me. Good things have happened to me before so I am hoping and praying good things will happen to me again.

What really makes me anxious is that I have a performance this weekend. This is my big duet. Epilepsy has promised to get me to most of the rehearsals left. I just have to miss tonight. To miss a rehearsal goes against everything I was taught. Today I really have no choice. I have spoken to my director. He understands but is disappointed. At least I will still be a part of the performance.

My cat Minnie also refuses to come home. I cannot protect her from the other cats as well in a push chair and need much more help. So she is gone. I am hoping I can get her back. I'd hate to think of her not eating because I cannot get her.

These are the things that run through my head day and night, Money Kitties Music other obligations, all things that keep me awake. So why is this titled The Race Begins and not not things that make me go

It's a race to see if my nerves will hold out long enough for me to pay my bills, perform my obligations and make it through Christmas before I have to be placed in a rubber room. Wish me luck, take care. and please consider Avon

Still Angry

2011-11-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

I got a call from the person who is stealing from me. She told me taking money from that account was an honest mistake and she would pay me back. She does not pay back money she owes often and I can honestly say I am not holding my breath that she will this time. The problem is I KNOW taking this card was not an honest mistake. IT WAS A CRIME! I TOLD her not to take that card. I TOLD her the only monies I have on that card go to the mortgage. I am still so mad at this I could scream. I want to have her arrested so bad. I know it will cause more trouble than the money is worth. She tells me she is my friend and I am her best friend. What a load of Bull CRAP! No person would treat a friend like this. I am angry at her. I am angry at her inconsideration. She watched me struggle with all this homeowner mess and it took me almost 3 years to find a way out. She knows how important it is for me to NOT default on this loan. She just did not care. She did not expect to get caught. She is no friend of mine.

I have to be there with her over night for Thanksgiving. I am going to hate it. This is going to ruin Christmas too. .I love Christmas with my family and all I can think of is this B took my money! I know that we are supposed to forgive each other. I honestly don't know if I can forgive her. I would like to think I am a good person but I just don't know if I am that good. I hate to think that I need to cut ties with my family but I just don't see any other way right now. I will just have to stop asking them for their help with things. It will cause a bit of a hardship but I may come out better in the end. I wish I could post this where a million people will see it. I need to get an idea what to do. Should I go there for Christmas? Should I begin to cut ties with my family? What if it was just her and not him or them? What do I do? What a mess. Anyway, thoughts are appreciated. Take Care

What about the people you know?

2011-11-13T23:11:00.001-05:00

I told readers in a previous blog that someone close to me is stealing from me. It started out with 20 or thirty dollars about 1 per month or so. Maybe even a little less. I hid my money so that this person would not be able to take any more from me. Money is a lot of people's weakness. I have needed money off and on in my life. I certainly understand the pull to steal when you don't have it. I thought if i removed the money the friendship could continue. I have recently discovered that this person stole money from my account using my ATM card. This money was being saved for my mortgage payment for December. If you read my blog you have read about my struggles to stay in my home. That Emergency Mortgage Assistance I got really bailed my butt out. One of the requirements to getting the assistance loan is that you agree to give your portion of the mortgage payment by the first of every month. THERE IS NO GRACE PERIOD. If the money is not there I default on my loan and they stop helping me with the mortgage and I must PAY BACK everything that is owed. In order for me to get the money there in time. I save money from the month before. So part of my disability money that I get for November goes to pay December's mortgage and so on. This person took money from my payment for December. I may not be able to earn enough money to replace it in time. That means I will have to take out a pay day loan. These are loans that are for small amounts of money that charge way too much interest. While they have helped out in the past, I spend way too much paying them off. I only use them in dire emergencies.

Crimes against people with disabilities are common. In a 2007 Department of Justice report, People with disabilities are 1.5 times more likely to have crimes committed against them. Since there are just reported crimes, I think the actual number is much higher. As an advocate for people with disabilities, I would suggest that the victim of this crime do some very simple things. Change her ATM Pin number or get a new card with a new pin. I have opted to change my PIN number. If this is person is in your home often, hide your valuables in a safe place and check your balances and monies often. Consider reporting any theft to the local authorities. I have hidden my money and my cards, changed my pin, I have my bank balances updated daily. (That is how I discovered this theft) I have also notified the bank that this withdrawal was not authorized. I would also tell the victim of this crime to consider not speaking or being around this person any longer. In my case that will be difficult. I believe the person who did this is close with my family. If I have them arrested or pursue this matter, I may have to cut ties with my family. I hate to do this especially around the holidays but I may have no choice. I really do not want to go there for Thanksgiving. I have about a week to make up my mind on that. My my dad died in December. I am now having financial issues. It is important to me to share Christmas with my family. I also hate the idea of being here alone. I do know that I will not allow someone to take advantage of me to the point where I cannot keep a roof over my head or food on the table. If I am pushed too far I will cut ties with my family. I hope it does not come to that. I hope you all are never put in this position and take care

Real Excited today.

2011-11-08T23:10:00.000-05:00

It's getting closer and closer to my training day. I am so happy something new is on the horizon. I have spent so much time feeling down and upset about money issues this new opportunity is the spark I needed in my head so I did not give up. I wonder what will be covered in the training? Mostly how to do your time sheets and all.That is what the email hinted at. It's really cool to know that something I got a degree in actually HELPED me here. Sometimes I think that a degree can hurt more than it helps. I have enough trouble with people not hiring me because I have an obvious disability. I would be more of a hindrance than an asset. Very few people will try to see past that to hire me. I also have lots of problems because I have a degree. I must be too smart to work at a small job and I am too much trouble to work at a big job. So I am stuck. I often feel frustrated and angry that seem to need to work but no one and I mean no one seems to see what talents I have to offer. I keep getting put in a box. Even when I worked as a disability advocate. I had to do it their way. I could only do what they wanted me to do the way they wanted me to do it. I realize of course some of that is going to happen no matter what job you have. Each person has to decide how to deal with the parts of the job that you don't like. When you start feeling strangled and cornered it is not a good situation. While I would not recommend that anyone do anything to get themselves fired, sometimes it does not matter as much how you leave as long as you leave. I have now had a good two years to put my life together and I am ready put my skills to use. I like the idea of teaching adults. All the creativity without the stupid behavior.

I have some other news. The solo list for choir came out. I did not get a solo but I did get a duet. I am OK with a duet. In case there is a question, a duet is two people singing, I did not really get the song I wanted either. I am OK with that too. I really just want to sing as much as I possibly can. This video is a version of my duet though mine is not quite this jazzy. This one seems a bit more fun. Take care

Back in the routine of things.

2011-11-06T23:46:00.000-05:00

I have been a bit off kilter for a week or so. I have felt tired and just under the weather. Still now I have a headache and my nose is a bit blocked. I am not sure of the symptoms. Am I sick? Am I in the middle of some strange PMS episode? Whatever the symptoms mean I am trying hard to get back in my general routine of things including writing in this blog. I have to say I am really excited about being a sub for Chesapeake College. I really think this is my next opportunity to earn some money at something I really like. It seems that I have passed the background check. I have been asked to attend a training from 6 30 to 830 pm this Thursday. I am really up for this but I had a major panic attack when I first read this. Transit does not run from 630-830 at night. This means if I went early I could take transit there but not be able to get a ride home. The place where this is being held is only about a mile away. Normally I could walk via wheelchair home with such short distance, but this place is not in the best neighborhood, the streets are narrow and not all of the curbs have ramps. To be there alone after dark is not safe so to walk home alone is really not safe. I really can't mess up such a great opportunity. I talked to my local case manager. He said that day was a bad day most of the staff that drives will be taking people on a vacation out of town. They will not be back until after the training. So I called my local mobility management team. Each transit organization should have a local mobility manager. These people help people who are new or people who need help figure out the local bus system. I know that my local transit company gets a lot of its money from grants that help poor people get to and from work. Around here a few local companies give money so that people have transportation to work. I thought I might tag along under one of those grants. When I explained the situation, the local mobility manager promised he would find an appropriate ride for me. I could breathe a sigh of relief.

I have been dealing with an ancient wheelchair for sometime now. The newest part that need replacing on this thing is the tires. My insurance will pay for getting a new chair or it will pay for the tires on the old one. It will not pay for both. I really need a new chair so I decided to pay for the tires on my old chair. Well I talked to the lady at a medical supply store and thought I had gotten the correct wheels. I did not get the right ones. I had plans to go to a reunion. On the way too it the wheel bent and the tire came completely off. My brother had to put the old wheel back on. A perfectly good day was ruined! Now I have to see if they will take the old tires back and let me exchange them for the correct tires. I hope they will but I won't find out until tomorrow. I am also stuck with still more paperwork. Turn in my unemployment sheets. Do I need to reapply for medicaid? I got a letter but I am not sure since I got Medicaid through DDA. GOD how I HATE paperwork. Anyway I think things are going better for me though I still worry about money. The next big bill is home owner's insurance. Take care and wish me luck

I do not have much news today.

2011-10-25T22:46:00.000-04:00

I really don't have much to say. I am upset because I know someone close to me is stealing from me. I won't go into details but I really hate this. I have decided that I will no longer carry any cash on me. This way there is no money to steal. I am really upset because I still do not have a lot of money coming in. I have a $600.00 bill for insurance and my heat will run about 400.00 a month until March or so. For anyone to be stealing money from me is so wrong it is not even funny. The amount of money is small but it has happened two or three times now and I am pissed. Carrying a small amount of cash has always made me feel more comfortable that I could get a soda or maybe buy a sandwich if I needed to and now I won't have that security. The person who is doing this is scum. There is no doubt about it. I never forget when I have been betrayed.

I am sorry to other people who may be reading this I had to get that out. The rest of my life is going OK. I have not started working yet but I hope to soon. They are doing a background check on me and I know I will not have criminal issues but credit issues will come up. I hope it does not keep me from this job. I also hope I work enough to bring in even a little regular money. Even avoiding late fees on bills can be a big help. It's wait and see time and I hate waiting. I also have to say I think it's wrong to do credit checks on people for jobs unless they are working with a lot of money. You can't fix bad credit without some kind of income. Who among us has not had money issues lately?

Let's get off the worry subjects and look at what is going well. I did get through this house mess finally. I smile a lot more and feel much lighter going through my day. I sleep better too. I am worried about heat but so far it has not been too cold. A little bit of oil seems to go a long way. Weather predictions are calling for it to be cold Thursday to Friday. I hope it is not true but I am going to try to be ready if it is. Another good thing is that I seem to be on the verge of another opportunity in my career.If teaching these GED classes eventually gets me my own class, I will be earning my own money again. What a break that will be. I have always loved being in a classroom. I also love the idea of helping someone to achieve their goals. This may be a good fit for me. I think I will still struggle with money at least for a while.

I am excited about choir. I just got back from rehearsal and it sounds awesome. A few local choirs are singing together to participate in the local Magi fund concert. The concert sells out every year. The money from ticket sales is given to local homeless shelters and food pantries to help those who are homeless and poor. Since I get served by a local food bank to supplement my food stamps. I am giving and also helping myself. That's kind of funny. I hope to have enough money to buy a ticket for my care provider. She bought me a ticket to her play. I must return the favor. I believe the concert is the Saturday and Sunday before Thanksgiving. Tickets are 15 dollars. The show is at a local high school. If anyone needs details you can contact me through this blog. I will continue to sell Avon . Help me out and do your Christmas shopping with Avon.

My mom is also making crochet blankets, children's clothes and such. I wear several ponchos and hats and winter gear she has made. She does a good job and her stuff seems to last. If anyone is interested contact me or Ana Weaver on facebook. The last and final bit of news is that all four legged children are safe and accounted for. They all come in at night now. That makes me happy. Though they are not a happy family by any means, they are all well, they get food and love. This was supposed to be a short blog and turned into a long one. May you all be safe, and have all the food, love and security you need. And please take care.

More Updates.

2011-10-19T18:12:00.000-04:00

I haven't written for a few days and I am sorry. I had something going on that I could not talk about. I have also been asked to do a lecture on disability for one of the education teachers on November 1 at 10 am and again at 5pm. The class is Education 101. This is a broad based introduction to education so I am sure a lot of my topics will discuss my take on educating people with disabilities. Oh boy! We will see where this leads. I also had solo tryouts in choir last night. I did not do as well as I would have liked. I psyched myself out and got too nervous. I need to learn to stop that. In order to sing well I need to control my emotions and I have a lot of difficulty doing that. I don't know how to help myself with this. My nerves have gotten worse since I have gotten older.We will have to see if I got a solo.

I have another bit of good news. Chesapeake College is starting to give English as a second language and General Education classes in my area. These English classes are for people who do not know how to speak read or write English well. The General Education classes are for people who need to get their high school equivalency. I have been hired as a substitute instructor for these classes. I am not sure yet how often I will work so I will be looking for another part time way to get money. The great part is they choose their instructors from their substitute pool. This means I may be able to teach my own class someday. My Master's degree is in adult education so I am qualified. I may be a college instructor. How cool! In any case it is an opportunity I did not have before. I hope to make the most of it.

Finally I have a sterling silver love knot ring size 5 It was an extra ring from Avon it costs $20.00. If anyone is interested in buying it E mail me or reply to this blog. If no one is interested I need to return it to Avon so grab it if you want it.Don't forget Christmas is coming and Avon has some great gifts and stocking stuffers. Contact me for books or ideas. Take Care

Actually a pretty good day today.

2011-10-14T17:56:00.000-04:00

I had a good day today. I went out of the house. That helped a lot. I had lunch with my care provider around 1130 and I am still not very hungry. We went to La Roma an Italian restaurant down the street from me. I got a notice that solos tryouts will be next Tuesday. We are doing Irving Berlin song and some classical music too. I like the Irving Berlin stuff and have been listening to recordings and watching videos from You Tube. Someone complimented me on the way I looked today too. That made me feel good. I hope the good feeling lasts. I can feel the anxiety getting the best of me.

My disability is Cerebral Palsy. It affects the motor functions and the nerve connections in your body. So It's hard to control my breathing and lungs when I get nervous. The thing that bothers me the most is I used to be better at controlling these muscles. I have not put as much effort at singing as I would like to. I would really like to take lessons again at this point I/can't afford it. I have come up with a plan to help with the nerves. I will just keep going over these songs until singing them is second nature. My roommates will just have do deal with it or wear ear muffs in the house. :) The other thing I do is put too much pressure on myself. I get so hyped up that when the audition comes I lose it. I have to practice but stay relaxed. That is the tough part. I do think that when you have a disability like mine and you must do something that takes muscle control and can get you nervous the only thing you can do is do it so many times it becomes like second nature. It helped when I was swimming too! I would do really good in practice and then the meet would come and I would freeze. When I was in practice, if I signed up for a 200 ( 8 lengths of the pool) I would have to do a 200. stop, wait a minute, do another 200, stop ,wait and so on at least 8 or 10 times. That way when the race actually came one little 200 was so easy it was no problem. I must handle these songs this way too. It will help a lot. Wish me luck and take care

Sometimes things get stuck

2011-10-11T23:03:00.001-04:00

I have had a bad few days lately. I have been really down and really desperate to change anything about my life. I get sad at anything. Not even my beloved movies don't cheer me up. I am at my wits end. I was watching Glee on demand last night. It was all about trying for the school musical. We never had musicals in high school when I was there. It might have been difficult for me to be in one since dancing while using a wheelchair needs some careful choreography at best. I do have fond memories of trying to fit in on a show choir type song and always smile a bit at Glee for having Artie. I do love a musical though. I have seen several on and off Broadway. That may be why I woke up and had this song playing in my head all day

The lyrics of the song are as follows.
Maybe this time I'll be lucky..Maybe this time he'll stay.
Maybe this time for the first time, love won't hurry away.
He will hold me fast. I'll be home at last.
Not a loser anymore like the last time and the time before.

Ev'ry body loves a winner so nobody loved me.
Lady peaceful, Lady happy
That's what I long to be.

All the odds are in my favor Something's bound to begin.
It's gotta happen happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win.

This song is about being accepted finally. I think most people have felt like an outcast at sometime. Some people never find their place in the world. I am very worried I will never find my place. In order not to be driven absolutely crazy, some part of me must need to be optimistic that my life will change. I am trying to make things better. This song is for all the optimists. Hang in there and hope for each other. Take Care

Kitty Issues

2011-10-10T16:03:00.000-04:00

Today may be the last of the beautiful days for fall. I had to mail in my first weeks job contacts so I stepped out to mail a letter. I enjoyed sitting out but fighting cats brought me back inside. I get so frustrated with them. I am tired of two of them fighting all the time. Now they will be OK inside. If my Minnie goes out Pepper tries to stop her from coming back in. If I lock them in they will eventually fight and the smaller cat Minnie will cower in the corner or hide someplace where I don't see her for weeks. When I first figured out this was happening last year. I would bring Minnie in after her being missing for a week or so. She would hide in a covered box. By the next morning she would be gone and it would be another week or so for me to get her. I have sprayed pepper with salt water until he is soaked in the back. I have locked both of them in separate rooms. Neither of them liked that. Today Minnie was trying to wait for me to open the door to get in and Pepper chased her across the street. I went in and got the spray bottle. While Pepper was waiting to cross the street Minnie snuck up behind Pepper. When he crossed the street and ran away from the spray bottle, Minnie ran in the house. Now they are less than 5 feet away from each other. Both are resting. It seems like a game to Pepper but not a game to Minnie. She is honestly hiding and cowering unless I am there. I know it stems from jealousy but I have tried to praise Pepper and pet him when he behaves well. It just doesn't stick. A few weeks later he chases Minnie away or tries to keep her from coming home. Things have gotten better. I see Minnie every day. I know she eats. I wake up at night sometimes to find Pepper at my feet and Minnie on my shoulder. I worry though that when and if I ever work again Minnie will disappear and die somewhere of starvation because I could not monitor the situation and work. I would love to say that my four legged children are more important than any job. We all know that is not true. I have gone back and forth about giving up Pepper. I don't want to break any one's heart even a kitty's. All he has to do is stay away from her. It's not much to ask but it's a lot for him.What do I need to do to teach him to leave her alone? Suggestions are appreciated. Take Care

Not a bad day but A new worry

2011-10-09T23:52:00.000-04:00

It's been a decent few days. It's been warm so I am not worried about heat. I went to see my care provider's play. I thought she did a great job. She even acted a bit more than she did when we ran lines together. The history of her church was interesting. She rocked her costume. The plain brown skirt from my wardrobe plus a shirt from Goodwill a scarf on her head and a hat for later really worked! How cool what a little imagination can do. Now I have a new worry though. I need to change from happy to scared There is yet another round of unemployment coming. I would like to take part. I need the extra for heat until energy assistance comes in. The problem that I have is that they require 4 job contacts per week. You must turn in a paper with a list of your contacts. If they don't get the list you don't get benefits. I think the contact list is actually a good thing. I like showing people how much I have tried. People need to see that when you have a disability you can try and try for jobs and no one will hire you. Maybe they can report these findings and people will stop and think about why they are excluding people with disabilities so often. The problem I have is that there may not be four jobs I can do. I have no problem working a minimum wage job if that's all there is but I need to be able to do the majority of the job. For example I would never apply to be a ditch digger. Since I cannot use a shovel or dig a ditch. Some one told me that there was a local company asking for temp workers to work door to door. I told her I couldn't do that job. When she asked why, I reminded her that I couldn't go door to door if I couldn't actually reach the door to knock on it. Most houses don't have ramps to get to the door. Her own home included. A job dealing with people is preferred. Another rule of this program is that you cannot turn down a job. If you are offered one you must take it. As long as I think I can do it I will take it. The only thing I can do is keep looking but it's wearing me down. There is only so much rejection a person can take before they feel like nothing and people with disabilities often get to that point and beyond. I can tell you if I did not need this money I would not do this program. I am beyond the point of feeling like nothing. I never thought I wold be the person with the disability who would give up but I just don't see it getting any better. I may have to swallow the fact that I will never work again. I may never achieve the self sufficiency I wanted for myself. This is not hat I wanted. Anyway take care and good luck

I must speak up about this.

2011-10-06T17:16:00.000-04:00

I recently heard a news story about two teenage boys in California. Both of them were around the age of 14. Both boys came from abusive family backgrounds. The difference between them is one was beginning to dress more feminine and come out as gay. The other was not. I read in the press and watched on TV that the boys picked on EACH OTHER. One made fun of the other because of his sexual orientation and the other boy used his gender identity and sexual orientation to make the person picking on him uncomfortable. It also made fellow students question the shooter's orientation. One day the boy who was not gay took a gun and shot his gay classmate in the head twice. The shooting took place in the middle of the classroom during class. The killer was taken into custody and three years later the trial is about to begin. Now at issue; Is this boy being tried as an adult.

I know what it is like to be bullied. I have also grown up with friends who are gay. To be honest when I was in middle school if I saw a guy who liked to dress in women's clothes I would be a bit uncomfortable too. I do not believe this person should be tried as an adult. I think we have a great chance here to study what makes this kind of human being take that kind of action. Why did he kill? What made him snap? Put this kid in a psychiatric facility and keep him there until he is more stable. Then don't just release him but watch him for a while. A 14 year old does not have the brain that an adult does. They have a lot more learning and growing to do before they are adult. Do not put this boy in an adult prison. We should not throw away two lives. This is our chance to see what we can do to stop situations like this from happening again. We need to be honest with ourselves as a society and realize that we reject and shun people that are different on a daily basis. In school kids that are different are scary they make kids feel uncertain. Kids make fun to show power over the one that is different. I am not like her so I make fun. Or If I make fun I will fit in with the group that I want. In society as adults those of us that are different may not be made fun of ,but we are not hired or kept from doing our job. Or we aren't allowed to participate in activities or we are isolated from others. We need to stop this at 5 or 6 or 14 so that at 30 or 40 we don't do this to anyone at anytime. There is a whole movement about anti bullying. I agree that we should be doing this. If we are really going to tackle this issue we need to look at it from every side. That means that bin order to raise fair and tolerant children we should be fair and tolerant adults. Most of us have a lot of work to do. Anyway take care

In a bad mood today.

2011-10-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

I'm in a mood today. I want to do nothing. I mean nothing. This mood semi concerns me. It could mean I am not feeling well. It could mean the beginning of another major depressive episode. It could be that my hormones are going a bit nuts and I just need to wait it out. Either way I hated life today.I did not want to get the four legged children together for their morning snack. I did not really want to get out of my chair before choir; (if I don't get out sitting so long will be painful) Then when it was time to get in the chair again I did not want to get in. I really did not want to go to choir. I did not want to eat. I just did not want to do anything except watch TV and sleep. What a day!

When I was being teased horribly by kids in school the one fun thing I did was sing. On a good day, the same kids who laughed and made fun of my bladder issues would give me a standing ovation in the school talent show. My choir teacher would pick the music for me but I could rock a song. This same teacher taught you that there is no excuse for missing a rehearsal except illness or death. She also said that death of self or immediate family was the only reason to miss a performance. By the time I got to be a senior in high school all the stresses at home and at school turned into a pretty bad flu. After a day or two of missing school because I honestly could not move without help, my dad finally found a doctor who took my temperature and announced I definitely needed to stay home. I took a week off of school. That meant I missed three choir classes (these were rehearsals). At the end of that semester I got a B in chorus. Dad was more mad than I was. I was so used to her policy I understood the grade and tried to explain it to my dad. :) So Ms. Wright if you are out there. You are the reason I dragged myself to choir today. You are the reason I call the director if I need to miss anything. Another thing she used to do is put us in trios (groups of three) and quartets (groups of four) all with different parts to make sure we knew our music. People hated it. It built my confidence. After high school, too many not good enoughs and too many missed solos have ruined my confidence. I would really love to get it back. I loved feeling like a star even if I will never be one. How do I build my confidence back? Be your own star and take care

Today was sort of a working day

2011-10-02T21:19:00.000-04:00

I worked on stuff a bit today. I made sure that my bills were budgeted so that I would have money left over to pay next month's mortgage by the first. I made a list of a small Avon order. The next order goes in tomorrow by noon and I need to check a ring size before I put the order in. I made a poster that says I am selling Avon. My care provider will take it in to epilepsy along with the first holiday catalog.I ate some leftover soup and a can of ravioli for dinner. Not the best but I won't starve either. My fridge is looking a little bare though. I have two days before I get anymore money. My roommates usually pay me on the 5th. This month I am taking some of their money and putting it into my bank. I am trying to keep really good track of what I spend. I really want to start saving for my homeowners insurance due in December. It's a huge chunk of money and I have a hard time getting it every year but I seem to make it. Let's hope I make it this year.

I have to say I am ready to have some fun again. I am wondering what inexpensive thing can I do? I need to check out the colleges activities. I know there is a homecoming barbecue and football game in November. My care provider has her church play this Saturday. That ought to be some fun. I did help her with lines and costume choices so I am curious to see what the finished play looks like. Now I am going to get ready for bed. It's cold I want to get under the covers. Happy October and take care.

I am reminded today

2011-10-01T23:54:00.002-04:00

I got a reminder today that fall is here and soon I will need to get some kind of heat in here. I have hot oil base board heat. This means that oil heats water through a small boiler in my laundry room. The hot water gets circulated through the pipes in my house. These pipes give off heat that heats the house. It is a very good heat when you have oil. Right now I don't have oil. I try to keep the house at 65 degrees to help save the amount of oil I use but oil is very expensive and I hate being cold. I mean I HATE being cold. It actually hurts all the bones that have been broken and The joints and muscles that have not been affected by my 2 car accidents will become very stiff and tight. This will make it more difficult for me to move around. I have a Snuggie. It's one of those blakets you can wrap your self up in. It does help. I can't wear it when I sit in the chair. It gets in the way of the wheels. The Snuggie becomes a fancy blanket. I can only use it when I am out of the chair. I do have energy assistance. It helps pay for some of this stuff. I can' rely on that though. The reason why I can't rely on energy help is because I applied in the beginning of July. I was approved but now its the beginning of October and the check has yet to be given to my electric company. I will get assistance for heat but it supposed to come in November. At the rate they are going it may not get here until January and its time to re apply.

I know it seems that I am a broken record. I complain about one thing and then get that resolved and complain about the next thing. I don't want to be like this. I do want to let people see what it's like to live with a disability and depend on public assistance for everything. It's not I have my disability money for fun and the government takes care of the rest. It's a struggle to live. I love to shop for clothes and things and go to shows and movies and trips. On public assistance all that stops. Your food stamps don't get you to the end of the month. You have to spend some of your disability money. The energy and heat assistance may pay for a month or two but you have to pay the rest. If you are lucky enough to get housing help, government money doesn't pay for it all. You must pay too. So before you know it your 6 or 7 hundred dollar a month check is gone. You are left with nothing. You are now sad and depressed because you have no money to have fun with. All you do is wait for the few days or week or whatever until the first of the month and you get money again. You learn to go from one free place to another and get whatever crap you can get. You also learn that if you do get money you must hide it or spend it before anyone knows about it. If you don't your assistance gets taken away. That really doesn't help people learn to save and prepare for later in life. I am grateful for the assistance I have gotten. I wish it covered more but I know that more people need this now and money needs to be spread out. I just wish we could make it so people who need this assistance are not people who are homeless or a step above. We rally need to find some way to bring back a middle class. If you consider that it now takes about $2,000 per month to run my home. With roommates I get about 1650.00 per month. You see my issue. When I do have a job I feel rich because I am not used to having money left over. When I was making 21,000 a year and getting money from roommates I had to be reminded I was still under the poverty level. By no means do I expect the government to give me money to make me rich. I sure wish they would help me not be broke. The next time you see someone with a disability spending their money on something really stupid, try to remember for that day, at that time, they were probably just sick of being a victim of the system. Take Care