Three Chords and the Truth

Battle of the Bands Redux

2011-04-11T10:12:00.000-07:00


You can play classy venues like this someday.

If anything positive comes out of performing in the 2011 Battle of the Boroughs, I've finally got a taste of what it's like to play a problem-free show in a nice venue.

Given my history of being vanquished in prior battles, I was anticipating the worst.

2004. My band Eyelash is playing at some sand dune on Long Island where the winning band bussed in a gaggle of groupies who feigned enthusiasm and tackled unsuspecting audience members with clipboards. I would like to think that such a cheap stunt would never fly on the Lower East Side, but there is something in the water that makes Long Islanders' musical tastes stuck somewhere around 1988.

Back to the present. Overall, I thought I did a pretty good job going into battle with the musical equivalent of a slingshot, considering that my competition was a 17-piece Latin Jazz orchestra, a 7-piece R&B band and a female rapper dressed like a Puerto Rican Betty Boop. All I had was my Strat, LoopStation and my rhythm shaker. Being the only "rocker," I knew I was a long-shot to win.

I did my catchiest number "Stars Without Makeup" and I was a hit and got cheers and laughs in all the right places.Or so I thought...

I was told there would be a post-performance interview by Terrance McKnight, but not that I would be the subject of American-Idol-ish commentary from a panel of judges. The dialogue went something like this:

"You sounded slightly-off-key, but it works for you! I hear a little bit of Velvet Underground."
You're no Mary J. but you don't have a band to cover up your vocal flaws, so we'll let it pass.
"You've managed to do so much with so little."
Where the hell is the rest of your band and why are you the only soloist?
"Tell me about your job working with kids."
One of the little buggers stole my iPod and $40 from my purse last Christmas.
"Uh....I love working with kids and they're such an inspiration, Terrance!"

I didn't win the battle to be crowned Queen of Da Bronx, but I think I emerged from the whole ordeal with my dignity intact and some free publicity, off-key commentary not-withstanding:

Here's a sampling of the post-battle round-up e-mails I got from various aquaintenaces, relatives and fren-emies:

"You were pretty good."

"Cheer up!"

"Where is the rest of your band?"

"Why did you wear all-black?"

"There is a reason why Robert Plant, Jimi Hendrix and Elvis didn't play solo."

I love being a musician.

Why there are no good bands on the radio

2010-08-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard the question, "Why does music on the radio suck?" Surely, it's because Lucifer is a major shareholder in Clear Channel stocks, right?

I've asked that question often enough myself. Finally, I stumbled upon the answer.

It happened again yesterday. My band was sharing a bill with three other bands at a well-known venue on the Lower East Side. The headliners acted like typical headlining douchebags, not staying around to hang out with the other bands, switching the set times at the last minute, and worst of all, taking their audience with them after they left. No one could fathom why the headliners had such a big draw. With sucky bands, I'd like to think their fanbase is made up of relatives and people who owed them money. They typified the worst aspects of the New York scene: skinny-jeans-wearing-asymmetrical-bob-coiffed douchbags pounding away with their index finger (since they really can't play piano) on a vintage Moog synthesizer with pre-programmed beats from their laptops as accompaniment (some bands manage to pull this off, but not many).

One of the bands on the bill should be famous, if it were a just world. Original songwriting, no-frills presentation, good musicianship. But there was nobody there to see them. Didn't they have any friends? Were they just bad at marketing themselves? Would they be famous if the singer decided to wear skinny jeans and an asymmetrical bob? The only people there to cheer them on were members of my band and one other band on the bill.

It's the old "tree falling in the forest" paradox. If you have a great show and nobody is there to see it, was it a good show?" I cringed when the singer apologized to the other bands for "not having a bigger draw." How many times have I made self-deprecating jokes about serenading the roaches hiding under the chairs?

We know that the music shoved down our throats by the Powers That Be sucks monkey balls. MTV is a market-driven, focused-grouped-to-death wasteland. Rolling Stone magazine hasn't been relevant in 30 years and Top 40 radio hasn't been listenable in the past decade. You want to know how to get deserving bands to the forefront so we don't have to endure listening to "My Lady Lumps" 50 times on the drive to work? Support the fucking bands you know.

The lesson here is this: stop complaining about the bad music on the radio. If you're friends with musicians and bands you like, show up to their gigs when they invite you. Yes, we take it personally when you don't up to our gigs (and don't promise to attend a show if you have no intention of showing up). So many talented musicians are languishing in obscurity because they lack emotional support. This doubly applies to fellow musicians. Go to their shows and they'll come to yours. Better yet, create your own scene.

Rude! Rude! Rude!

2010-08-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I need to write an etiquette book for musicians. I encountered all sorts of rudeness from the other bands at my show last night. Rudeness from an audience is to be expected (and heckling them is half the fun) but fellow musicians need to be a little more kind to each other. If I were a guy and had one too many beers, fists would have been flying.

So here's some rules for the clueless:

1. Do not come up to the stage in the middle of a set to charge your cell phone on the same power strip where the amp is plugged in. You just might knock out the power. Yeah, that happened to me.

2. Unless you're the sound engineer, do not mess with the mixing board and turn my mic volume all the way down.

3. If you're sharing a bill, show support for the other bands by sitting through their set. Don't show up 5 minutes before you're supposed to go on and start setting up your equipment before the previous band has even finished.

I'll write more rules as I think of them. Send me suggestions, why don't you? What bad behavior have you encountered on the road?

Me and My Pedal

2010-08-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

My drummer and her temporary replacement went AWOL, so it's just me and my Boss RC-20 pedal tonight at Otto's Shrunken Head. They have me listed under my old band name, Eyelash. Whether that's a good omen or not remains to be seen. I had a dream that none of the batteries in my pedals worked, so I should probably buy some spares during my lunch break.

It never gets easier, does it?

Weird Links

2010-07-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we can't all be born looking cool. For those crying in your cubicles, here's a bit of comic relief:

http://www.11points.com/Music/11_Yearbook_Photos_That_Musicians_Wish_We%27d_Never_Seen

Down payment on the future

2010-06-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know why mother insists on staying in my studio apartment when she visits, when my more comfortably situated relatives have perfectly spacious homes with guest bedrooms. Guess she wants to be where the action is - a ten-minute walk from the 6 train and the Bronx River housing projects.

As an inside joke, my sisters and I address mom as "mother" like we're a family of Boston Brahmins. We're just as affectionate with each other, too.

When she isn't busy asking when I'm going to produce my first grandchild, mother punctuates her sentences with sighs and slow head-shaking.

"Your cousin Michelle has such lovely a house. Can't you afford to move?"

Of course she has a lovely house.

Michelle is 42 years old and lives with her mother.

She picks up a copy of Guitar Player with the tips of her fingers like she was picking up dog shit and stares at one particularly cluttered corner of the studio.

"What is that?"

"Laundry. I haven't had a chance to finish it before you came."

"And that?"

"A bass amp."

"A what?"

"A new toy, mother."

My guitar teacher John Berenzy said something interesting to me last week. He knows that I've been working on a new EP for the past year, and was wondering why it wasn't done yet. I was complaining about how I wasn't happy with the mix, and went to two different engineers before I found one that didn't over-produce the songs to death.

He said, Pascale, "with all the money you've spent on making your own cd, you could have made a down-payment on a house. I prefer your home-made 4 track demos, anyway. Your songs have a naive, sweet quality to them and I can't hear that with these over-produced mixes ."

The upshot is that I've traded any chance at middle-class respectability and a high FICO score for....
artistic fulfillment?
Dreams of having my own "Behind the Music" special
Getting on People's "Worst Dressed List?"

Have I lost my damn mind?