Thrive Family Services

Video introduction to Allison Rimland, Licensed Professional Counselor

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 22:21:00 +0000

Outing myself here today for the end to a procrastination. I've finally gotten around to creating (and posting, gulp!) a video introduction to my counseling practice. Enjoy!

Call today to discuss what gets in the way for you to accomplish what you want and need to do! 303-513-8975.

Quickly schedule your counseling appointment, anytime!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 20:36:00 +0000

I have begun using Full Slate's online scheduling system. My clients seem to really like it, and I love it. You can schedule your counseling appointment anytime with me without needing to play phone tag. Just visit here, and look for the confirmation from me that the counseling appointment was booked. This great system will send out a reminder for your therapy appointment, and enables you to reschedule if needed.

Moved to a new DTC office!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 03:02:00 +0000

I've moved! My new Denver Tech Counseling office is
7000 E. Belleview Ave.
Suite 350
Greenwood Village, CO 80111

Ways to calm yourself from trauma

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 19:41:00 +0000

RAPID AND EFFECTIVE WAYS TO CALM FROM TRAUMA
Gil Shepard MFT

The following are ways that use the physical body to center. They usually work very quickly, even when in a flashback. These methods use the body to help you focus in a way that feels natural, using the principle of focusing your mind on your body. This neutralizes your emotions and body, mind and emotions naturally balance.

Please try all these methods as different people find some are more effective for them than others. Because you may not be able to think of any of these when you are overwhelmed you may find it helpful to write a very brief list of these on a small piece of paper and put this list in your wallet or purse.

FOR ALMOST ANY AWFUL FEELING INCLUDING PANIC, ANXIETY, AND FEAR
Rub your feet back and forth (bare or with socks) on a carpeted floor. The friction on the soles of your feet will help you focus your mind on your feet instead of whatever thoughts or feelings you may be overwhelmed by. That balances mind, body and emotions, usually within 20 to 30 seconds. No equipment needed – you carry your feet with you! You can do this anywhere, in your car or a seat in a shopping mall, even at work. This is very effective for calming and centering.

CURLING INTO A BALL FOR FEAR, LOSS OR OVERWHELM
Loss tends to hit you in the gut and/or in the heart. When suddenly frightened you may find you automatically curl up in a protective position. Curling up is your body’s automatic way to protect the most vulnerable parts of your body. The following exercise simply goes with the way you naturally feel at those times.
Sit on the floor and pull your knees up to your chest. Let yourself experience how protective this feels. Continue to curl even more tightly into a ball by putting your arms around your knees to pull your knees tightly together and against your chest. Bend your head toward your knees. You will feel protected and safe with the bony parts of your body on the outside.

Holding tightly releases tension held in your muscles and you want to release all the tension you can, so hold as long as you can. When you can’t hold any more, gradually relax and just sit quietly for a few minutes. This can leave you calm and centered. In this state whatever is ready to be released will release. You may have relaxing tears, inner knowing, or a delightful calmness.

If you can’t curl up in this position because of a bad back or weight you can cross your legs and curl up the best you can, again squeezing yourself as tightly as you can to get somewhat the same experience.

FOR FEELING SHAKY
When you feel shaky it is often because when you were traumatized you could not move for whatever reason. Your body then held in your desire to run or fight and your muscles now are stuck holding in that urge to move so they shake. A long time ago freezing helped you survive. That time is no longer here so you can release your muscles safely.

Simply stand and begin by shaking your hands, arms and gradually include the rest of your body and your head. Let your body shake the way it likes to and as long as it wants to. Continue until you come naturally to a stop. Experience the anxiety shaking off your body. Let yourself shake as vigorously as you want to.

RIP PAPER – FOR ANGER
Here is a technique I learned from a teenager. He came to my office on a first visit and asked for a piece of paper, which I gave him. Concentrating intently he slowly and deliberately ripped it in half, put those two pieces together and ripped them in half. He continued until the paper was in tiny pieces. Then he said, “Now I feel better.”

As I didn’t have a clue as to what he had done, I asked and he told me he had been very angry and taken it out on the piece of paper! He followed the principle I noted above by focusing his attention on the physical act of ripping that piece of paper. His angry emotions were harmlessly expressed and dissipated. When he was finished his body, mind, and emotions were balanced and he was calm.

SING A SCREAM – FOR ANGER
When angry or distraught with anxiety you may find you want to scream. The scream you want to release will be at the pitch your body feels. Screaming may give you a temporary release but it will not make you calm.

Instead, try singing the pitch you feel in your body. This way you have conscious control over this “scream.” Sense how your very high singing resonates with the pitch you sing. Gradually bring that screaming pitch down a note and then go back up to the higher pitch to see which feels right for you at that moment. As you feel like it go down two notes then back up one and gradually proceed downward as you want to. Don’t hurry; take your time.

Continue to follow the notes you feel until you find yourself humming your own tune in a free, calm, perhaps even playful way. By now the anxiety you felt will be gone and you will be singing in a resonant, peaceful and calming tone.

POUNDING ON A BED FOR ANGER
Expressing anger by pounding on a bed can be helpful at times, but the exercise – KARATE CHOP – is much more effective. Pounding on a bed or a couch will use your physical body to release anger and it will probably make you tired. Under guidance of a therapist it may help you release and may change the way you feel about someone.

KARATE CHOP FOR ANGER
This may be rather difficult to understand by a written description, but if you get right it is extremely effective. Stand with feet at shoulder width and parallel to each other. Feel yourself in a very solid stance, well balanced on the whole of each foot, as if you were a martial artist. Then squat down so your butt is low but your upper body is upright so you still feel solidly grounded. If someone were to push your shoulders they could not make you lose your footing or unbalance you, though your shoulders might move to transfer the energy of the push.

You do this move when angry so let yourself feel anger. Clasp your hands strongly and angrily together. Place your hands below your knees, keeping your butt low so you remain feeling solid on the earth with your hands clasping each other strongly as you proceed.

Then, while raising your arms, still pressing hands hard against each other, breathe in noisily raising the anger internally from your abdomen. As you raise your hands over your head feel the anger rise up in your body, as if gathering itself to strike angry blow. As you do this, rise up a little on the balls of your feet so you can use all of your strength on this chop, but remain solid.

Then, with a strong growling noise visceral sound that comes from your gut, rapidly bring your arms with clasped hands down between your knees in a chopping motion, as if you were breaking a board there with a karate chop. Follow through with this chop forcefully, going right through that imaginary board, while maintaining your solid footing.

If you are furious and you do this exercise as noted you may become instantaneously centered and calm. I remember someone who was furious with his wife about something. He did this move and instantaneously realized how foolish that anger actually was – it was about nothing important at all. He reported that he immediately smiled at how silly he now felt that anger was. The move released anger that was in his body in a way that went with his feelings, resulting in calmness. Being centered he found truth.

EPSOM SALTS BATH – DEEP RELAXATION
A hot Epsom Salts Bath is wonderful if you are anxious, not sleeping or cannot eat. This bath does several things at once. It draws toxins from your body (you may find the water even gets dark from this) and it provides you with Magnesium, which is often depleted from stress and trauma and not easily absorbed in pill form. Lastly you will become deeply relaxed.

This is how you do it. Fill a tub full with hot water and 4 or 5 pounds of Epsom Salts, available in drug or grocery stores. Keep the water as hot as you can stand for twenty minutes to a half hour, adding hot water as the water cools. Submerge as much of your torso and upper body as you can in the water.

Bring a pitcher of water with you as this bath can dehydrate you and you may get quite thirsty. Take this bath just before bedtime because you will feel deeply relaxed and will want to sleep. This is an Edgar Cayce remedy and he suggested one take not more than one such bath a week.

AROMATHERAPY
Aromatherapy is also an excellent way to calm. Many health food stores have a variety of concentrated aromas. Some are individual like Lavender, Frankincense and Myrrh; and some are mixes with names like “Anxiety Relief,” “Stress Relief,” “Calm,” or “Sleepy Time.” Lavender is a general stand by for most people, but sniff from the sampler bottles that are often available and see what you like best. That is the one for you at that time. At other times you may prefer another.

Shake some on your wrist and rub your wrists together or onto your neck so you can smell the aroma longer. This works so gently that you may not even notice it working, you will just feel more like yourself. Because you use only a few drops each time, a very small bottle lasts a long time and is therefore an inexpensive way of helping yourself. Relief is usually within minutes.

You can find these at Health Food Stores, or do a web search under “aromatherapy.” Whole Foods has a brand called Wyndmere with mixes such as I mentioned above. There is a mix called “B Wise” that I have found very helpful for anger or agitation that is available at Aromatherapeutix.com. I suspect many other companies have mixtures that may work as well; these are the ones I have most experience with.

You can also find atomizers that let the aroma permeate the air in a whole room. With these you put six or seven drops in a mix and the atomizer sprays it into the room. Or you can put some on a candle and burn the candle so the aroma permeates the room. You can even put a few drops in your bath.

Republished with permission from Gil Shepard, MFT

Allison Rimland, LPC
Denver Therapist
www.ThriveFamilyServices.com
www.DenverAnxietyHelp.com
www.MarriageCounselinginDenver.com

Great News! You are NOT the only one…

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 22:09:00 +0000

One of the common themes among clients in therapy is the fear that they are abnormal, that they are doing something wrong, or that they face their challenges alone. This worry seems nearly universal. I hear it with adults and teens, with couples, individuals and families. I get asked the question “am I normal?” a lot!

We tend to imagine that others must live uncomplicated and well-adjusted lives. Perhaps this notion is fueled by several factors: Hollywood images of “perfect” people living productive and happy lives, our relatively isolated nuclear families, and the pressures of workplace decorum to keep all of our troubles under wraps. While it can be helpful to be able to compartmentalize our troubles in order to deal with our daily lives, there is a downside too. Our lack of interpersonal intimacy can also create a very real isolation and a crisis of confidence in the normalcy of life’s difficulties. As isolated as we tend to be in our society, we lose opportunities to be “keepin’ it real” with each other. We are left with an separation that fuels misgivings about our own imperfections.

Group support and therapy experiences can provide a powerful antidote to the perception that we are alone in our struggles. Once we realize we are not alone in our struggle and that they are relatively normal experiences, we release ourselves from the existential questions of loneliness and normalcy and move on to the tackling the present issues.

In my Village Group for Moms, the number one piece of feedback is how relieved women are to know that they are not the only ones finding new parenthood to be difficult. Mothers connect with each other over the universal experiences of sleep deprivation; worries about their baby’s health, weight gain, and sleep patterns; adjustments in relationships with friends, family, and marriages; and reconfigurations of self-care habits, career focus, and social interactions. If you are a new mother, come and join us for the next Village Group for Moms starting March 20, 2009. Make some friends, get some support and see for yourself how you are not the only one!

In my Conquering Anxiety Groups, participants learn that their worries and challenges are not theirs alone. As Irvin Yalom, group therapy pioneer and expert, discussed, people in psychotherapy or support groups also benefit from seeing others along the continuum of struggle. Conquering Anxiety participants see how others have come through their anxieties to discover a sense of peace and efficacy at managing their lives. They gain the support and inspiration of others to fight their anxieties. The next Conquering Anxiety groups begin in May 2009.

Change your Gr(Attitude)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:20:00 +0000

In this Thanksgiving and Holiday season, we are encouraged to give thanks and spread cheer. Though, we also know that the holidays represent, in reality, a time of distress for many people.

How can we survive the holidays and joyously emerge in the New Year? After the holiday rush, if someone is suffering, can instilling daily gratitude change their life? If someone feels content, can gratitude enhance happiness or even prevent depression?

I believe the answers are YES! In fact, the link between gratitude and decreased feelings of depression has been widely discussed and documented.

I believe another key lies in where we place our attention. It is sometimes easy to zero in on that which is bothersome or difficult, while ignoring all the reasons to be grateful. It is tempting to focus on the number of drinks Aunt Sally had, or the fact that Bob refused to attend the party this year rather than enjoying the 16 other pleasant and grateful guests. Or, we sometimes fret over not being able to afford the fancier toy or piece of jewelry while ignoring the bounty which enables us to give any presents at all.

If you or your family are a little on edge during this holiday season, try instilling a little daily gratitude. Try catching your spouse “being good.” Definitely catch your teenager “being good”. And make sure to express gratitude for those deeds. We need to seek out and express our gratitude, for our benefit and that of others.

How can we instill gratitude to improve our daily lives?

One recommendation is to start really young. In my family, we cap every day with a discussion of gratitude. I got this idea from my sister, who, many years ago disliked that her children would seem to quickly forget a fun-filled day that she had orchestrated. Rather than wanting thanks and acknowledgment, she wanted her children to appreciate and be grateful for the experiences and happy times together. Now teens, my niece and nephew still enjoy the quiet moments of gratitude at the end of each day with their parents. My own children now insist on and thoroughly enjoy saying their “gratefuls” each night. Wouldn’t you know it, we join in and express our gratefuls too.

Daniel Amen, in his book, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life”, talks about how our positive thoughts create a beneficial neurochemical chain reaction just as our negative thoughts create, neurochemically speaking, more depressing thoughts and feelings. We are, in many ways, exactly what we think.

So, this holiday season, try a little Gratitude. Start a gratitude journal. Take the time daily to think about the good things in your life, especially if you are feeling low. Encourage yourself to increase positive thoughts, express gratitude for the gifts you do have this holiday season, and make sure to tell those you love. You just might find yourself grinning into the New Year.

Allison@ThriveFamilyServices.com
http://www.thrivefamilyservices.com/
Counseling in Denver, Colorado

It Takes a Village...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:50:00 +0000

Dear fellow parents,

Thinking back to the birth of your first child, would you have enjoyed having a support network of other new mommies in those first few months? Would you have liked to have some time to process all the feelings you were having in your new role? Was it a challenge adjusting to co-parenting with your spouse? Could you have benefited from more time to talk about how you were doing in addition to how the baby was growing?

In my experience, it was YES to all the above. Developing my Village seemed to take a long time; far beyond when I really needed it - in those challenging first few months of parenthood.

If you know any Denver area first time parents who need a little extra support, please tell them about the next Village Group for Moms. This discussion and support group for new mothers meets at Harmony's Family in Cherry Creek North and starts December 12, 2008!

Do you have questions about your new little bundle of joy?
Wondering if you'll need some support once your baby arrives?

It takes a Village - come join ours! The Village is a supportive atmosphere where you can talk about the details of new baby care, as well as the emotional ups and downs of new motherhood. Our mission is to provide support for making lasting friendships to form your Village.

What Village members have said about their experience:

“My favorite part of the group was getting to know other moms.”
“The group helped me to remember that there are other moms going through the same things.”
“I was able to look at things more positively and share my challenges with other moms.”
“I loved seeing that other babies could be fussy and other moms know exactly how I feel.”

The group meets weekly for 1 ½ hours at Harmony’s Family in Cherry Creek North. $125 for 8-week series, or $16 per drop-in. Paypal available at www.thrivefamilyservices.com.

Allison@ThriveFamilyServices.com
www.ThriveFamilyServices.com

Come out, come out wherever you are!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 20:44:00 +0000

Well, hello again! I have emerged from a long summer’s nap only to find someone was sleeping on the job with regards to writing my blog. My explanation: I recently acquired office space and have been finding that the to-do list for work far exceeds the number of hours per week I have to tackle it.

I have smacked right into the harsh time-management realities of being in business for oneself. I imagine that being in private therapy practice holds many similarities with other businesses with sole proprietors, so hopefully I have a lot of sympathy out there. The biggest problem I’ve had is the computer, especially in the form of a laptop. The darn thing has a habit of always being on and calling my name with its siren’s allure. When at work and not in session with counseling clients, this is a fine thing. I can easily fill any schedule holes with productive use of my time. I’ve concluded, however, that when at home, a laptop and a business to run can quickly take over one’s life.

I think I have turned the corner and am officially emerging from the work-life imbalance. Lessons I’ve learned:

1. Make a hand-written to-do list, every day, with very tiny baby steps. It feels great to cross things off. It feels awful to have items sit on your list for weeks. Break everything into the tiniest steps and you’ll be amazed how much you can accomplish, guilt-free.

2. Get as much as you can accomplished in the day, and then recreate your to-do list for the next. Most importantly – put the work away now. If you draw sudden inspiration at 8 PM, simply write it down on your handy-dandy list and walk away.

3. Make exceptions be the exception. I have not been a saint as far as putting down the work at night. I am sure many of us cave to work when we know we should be playing with our kids, snuggling with our spouses, or taking care of ourselves. I was comfortable with breaking my boundaries once in a while, but I had to give myself a stern talking-to when the exception snuck into a rule.

4. Ask for help to build in self-care time. I have recently needed to ask for some time off from my family to exercise. Lack of me-time is one of those crazy consequences of parenting that I didn’t see coming. Especially as a working parent, it can be really tough to justify even more time away from the kiddos. But, my body and my mind NEED the break. It takes a village, folks…

5. Give yourself self-care pep-talks and put it on your list. There’s the sometimes (OK frequent) specter of lack of motivation that enters in the picture for me. Just keeping it real. I have to give myself regular reminders to exercise or it simply doesn’t happen. It is easy to pile on the guilt, but I find this is only a distraction from the prize – actual exercise time. I gently, but firmly, remind myself to stay focused and get out the door.

Have you been feeling a little out of balance lately? What are you doing to right your ship? What makes it hard for you to have good boundaries around personal and work schedules?

Allison@ThriveFamilyServices.com

http://www.thrivefamilyservices.com/
Denver counselor and family therapist

Parenting: The Biggest Piece of Humble Pie You Ever Ate

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 20:55:00 +0000

It started in the hospital. There you were, laboring, having rather quickly lost all sense of modesty you ever had. You realize abruptly, if you hadn’t long before, that you are about to welcome a bona fide human being with opinions, attitudes and actions that may or may not go along with what you imagine will happen.

Many of us spend pregnancy, perhaps longer, dreaming of what we will be, and will not be as a parent. We try to imagine what we will do, what we will not do, and what it will all feel like.

Sometimes the process of getting pregnant itself begins to chip away at this image we created. Almost always, the childbirth experience itself throws a curveball. Sometimes childbirth’s surprises are good; sometimes they are less than our ideal. Either way, we begin to grasp how humbling being a parent can be.

Next, many of us begin to tackle the challenges of sleep deprivation, learning to feed a baby, and who will do which tasks in our family. Perhaps some of this will align with the visions we had imagined. More often, we take a few more bites of humble pie.

How is a person to survive without so many bruising bites of pie?

My first thought is to really, really try to be open-minded and learn as much as you can. In our isolated society, we are robbed of the opportunities our forebears had to see a variety of parenting choices and their impact right before their eyes, on a daily basis and for most of their lives. On the other hand, we now benefit from increasing open-mindedness and tolerance, education, availability of choices, and scientific information. If you embark on research, say, regarding the wide spectrum of baby sleep methods, it is wise to read some of everything. Even if you decide at the end that your philosophy and goals align very clearly with one end of a spectrum, beware! Your little one may just throw you a curveball made of humble pie. At the end, you may find yourself doing precisely that which you swore you wouldn’t.

This brings me to another recommendation: try not to make bold proclamations to yourself or others when it comes to parenthood. While certainly it is great to be an educated parent and self-aware, spare yourself the extra helping of pie and try not to blast your thoughts from the rooftops. Of course, appropriate and bold proclamations and determinations around the REALLY BIG STUFF notwithstanding (I will not abuse my child. I will not attempt to sell my child on eBay. I will not move my spouse’s things into the garage if he/she evades yet another poopy diaper). Be gentle to yourself, your marriage and your child. These are, after all, human beings that may just be persuasive enough to sway you from your rock.

Lastly, it sounds trite, but really is true: every child, parent, and family is different. What worked for your firstborn may completely backfire with your second. Cut yourself some slack and know that you are giving your children the greatest gift you can by learning, and being open to learning every step of the way.

What were your latest humble pie bites? What advice would you give to a new parent to avoid gaining the freshman 15 in humble pie?

Allison@thrivefamilyservices.com
http://www.thrivefamilyservices.com/
Denver counseling for parents and families

The Power of Praise

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:02:00 +0000

Good girl to write your blog! Oh. Hi. That’s me, praising myself, compliments of this wonderful “Real Simple” article.

I love this concept and probably need to work on praising myself and others more. Good girl to set a goal! Good girl for making dinner. Good girl for getting at least 10 snuggles in with your 3 year old today. Good hubby for making it to the grocery store and the gym. Good boy for playing so gently with your sister and making her giggle.

The reminder to pile on the praise makes me think of potty training (and really, what doesn’t remind me of potty training these days?). I read another recommendation recently (which I cannot relocate in order to credit) which said to eliminate (!) any dialogue about potty training unless it is praising the correct behaviors. Easy enough to decide, much harder to implement.

This recommendation is quite similar to the parenting concept of the “soggy potato chip theory” coined by Fitzhugh Dodson in "How to Discipline With Love" (1977). The idea is that any attention, even negative, is better than no attention. In other words, if all a child (person, pet, coworker) receives is negative attention, they will seek it out through the repetition of the behavior that elicits it, usually, acting out. In the world of potty training, I am SLOWLY learning that any prodding, cajoling, bribing is adding up to a big old pile of soggy potato chips and no poopy in the potty. Good girl to back away from the potty!

Try it for yourself. Go and praise everyone in your family for something good. And don’t forget yourself!

Allison@thrivefamilyservices.com
http://www.thrivefamilyservices.com/
Group, Individual and Family Counseling
Denver, Colorado

Letting Go

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:16:00 +0000

Why is it so hard to let go sometimes as a parent of a young child? Oh yes. I remember. Its because we sometimes work so hard to get where we are that letting go feels like losing any semblance of the control we thought we had.

Potty training comes to mind. You can read and be told bazillions of times that potty training is not to be forced, but to act on that sage advice and just.let.go is HARD. Especially when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel within your reach. And, you've been rewarded once or twice or even ten times in the past. And yet, so say the experts, sometimes the fastest way to success is to just let go.

Sleep training also comes to mind. Particularly for those parents who had long, grueling slugfests with the ever elusive sleeping-through-the-night reward, it can be particularly hard to let go. Hard to let go of the rituals - even if they are for babies: bedtime nurse/bottle/sippies, cribs, pacifiers or perhaps, donning the sleep cue laden sleep sack. Thank goodness some things can be extended: the bedtime nurse is one of the last to go, and they are now making a toddler size with feet holes sleep sack (hooray!). And, some of those rituals may just hang on for a while, with both sides resisting letting go.

And yet, let go we must. Time marches on and our little ones need us to be strong and do the inevitable: to just let go. Soon, it will be on to the first sleep over, handing out the car keys, and then, ushering them off to college, unsupervised (gulp).

What has been the hardest for you to let go of as a parent? What was the reward or sacrifice?

Allison@thrivefamilyservices.com
http://www.thrivefamilyservices.com/
Denver therapist for families, individuals and couples

Pinnacles, Potties & Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 04:35:00 +0000

Welcome to my blog!

Pinnacles, Potties & Parenting
Regarding the recent Parenting.com article by Robert Barnett entitled “8 ways to be a happier Mom”:

Desperately seeking…permission
I love reading and being reminded that I am allowed, even encouraged, to talk about when I am unhappy or overwhelmed as a parent. In fact, it feels that many times, once I have formulated and spoken the words of frustration or sadness with a situation, the bite is diminished. The soothing impact is even magnified when I have a partner in disillusionment.

This is why I crave the company of fellow parents of young children. Who can relate more than someone who dealt with the same sleep deprivation, potty training, discipline or picky eater-challenge just days or weeks before you? And yet, there is a reasonable limit to the amount of wallowing allowed. This limit comes for me when I lose sight of those “pinnacle moments” of parenting. In the early days, the first smile could off-set a week’s worth of sleep deprivation. Now, my son’s determination to make his own lunch all by himself helps me down from the ledge that is potty-training. Whenever I feel myself veer towards wallowing and self-indulgence, I try to snap out of it by thinking of one of those pinnacle moments or even the kids-grow-up-so-fast, big picture mantra.

And yet, pinnacle moments do not a marriage make…
Yes, many of us still revel in the old wedding pictures and get a little sappy at the thought of the early days of our relationships. And yes, the birth of our first child was for many an amazing, transformative day that added new depth and meaning to the commitments we had made to our marriages. And yet. Good marriages cannot exist solely on those pinnacle moments. The marriage advice many of us were given as engaged couples had to do with taking care of the relationship and being thoughtful on a daily basis – not a checklist of pinnacle moments to achieve. In other words, marriages require daily TLC and can run out of gas when relying solely upon pinnacles.

The article mentions the documented toll a child’s first three years can take on a marriage. Now, let’s do some simple math. 2.5 kids times 3 years each of the “diaper years” equals 6 years and change of some serious marriage obstacles. Assuming many couples wait around a year (give or take 12 months) after marriage before having a child; there you have your 7 year itch! Maybe it should be renamed the 7 year marriage wipeout when there are children in the picture. Just thinking about all the work focused on the children makes me tired. What about all those marriage vows?

Now for the sage advice?
Perhaps some of Mr. Barnett’s thoughts can be applied to happy marriages as well as happy mothers: savor the moment, take the long view, reconnect and say thank you. These are all great ideas.

I wonder if it might also help marriages if we give each other permission to say when things are hard. When we admit we are struggling, perhaps it might just take out some of the bite to marriages that children can bring. Also, perhaps it would help if we knew in advance and talked about some of the marriage challenges that can come along with parenthood. Mental preparation for postpartum adjustment difficulties or depression; sleep deprivation; decreased time and energy to spend on each other; could go a long way in helping us survive the marathon of amazing pinnacle moments, and all the in-between that is marriage and parenthood.

Allison Rimland is a Colorado Licensed Professional Counselor who enjoys working with new and expectant parents, couples, and families. Allison has two children and a husband of her own and learns from them every day. For more information on Allison's Denver counseling practice, call 303-513-8975 or visit http://www.thrivefamilyservices.com