Through the eyes of a masculine gay guy

Lousiest Excuse for a Holiday

2012-02-11T18:34:00.005-05:00

Valentine’s Day is going to be another bust for the 20th year in a row. It’s hard enough for me to even consider February 14th a day to celebrate, let alone a holiday, since I’ve never understood or cared about it. I always call my family but let’s get real, the day is meant to embrace your significant other.

Thanks to Zale’s and Kay commercials, I have an altered perception on Valentine’s Day. The media has led me to believe that we should all be really materialistic and shower each other in roses, cheap chocolates, cheesy Hallmark cards, stuffed animals, sparkly jewelry, red lingerie, and a fancy dinner at Ruth Chris, followed by steamy sex all night long.

I don't like it; it is too forced and over-commercialized. The idea behind Valentine's Day is nice, but I feel there isn’t much romance to it. It puts pressure on people, especially men, to go out and buy stuff. That said, there is nothing wrong with it, a nice gesture is still a nice gesture. However, a random, thoughtful act is so much more appreciated. Wouldn’t you rather receive a special gift from a loved one on a random day instead of a set date? I would.

So let’s be hypothetical for a minute and pretend I did have a boyfriend. The last thing I would want to do is go to the movies and out to dinner.

blah blah blah

That is so cliché.

My ideal Valentine’s Day would be cooking dinner together, making margaritas, cooking s’mores and surprising him with an awesome gift, like a hot air balloon ride over the city, watching the sunset together. That would be so sick.

The only great aspect to Valentine's Day is February 15th...when all the candy goes on sale.

My Guilty Pleasure

2012-02-04T20:27:00.000-05:00

Feast your eyes...

...on the male cast of Pretty Little Liars.

From the first episode I was hooked. I started watching the show not too long ago, after a friend insisted I would like it. I thought the show was going to be really dumb but the plot is actually really interesting. It revolves around the girls' best friend's murder and the killer is stalking them. Surprisingly, the show has tons of twists, it can get really creepy and the acting is not too shabby.
Check out all the episodes at Project-Free Tv.

And for you bi guys, the four main actresses are bombshells. The entire cast is beautiful. Typical television shows these days.

Dream of the Month-January 2012

2012-01-31T00:36:00.000-05:00

Did you know that our brains are more active while sleeping?
Unfortunately, the recall of dreams is extremely unreliable, though it is a skill that can be trained. Dreams can usually be recalled if a person is awakened while dreaming. At least 95% of all dreams are not remembered. Unless a dream is particularly vivid and if one wakes during or immediately after it, the content of the dream is not remembered

Dreams can have varying natures, such as frightening, exciting, magical, melancholic, adventurous, or sexual. The events in dreams are generally outside the control of the dreamer, with the exception of lucid dreaming, where the dreamer is self-aware. Dreams can at times make a creative thought occur to the person or give a sense of inspiration.

One of my newest goals in life is to keep a dream journal. In order to do so, I set my alarm 15 minutes in advanced and lie in bed in attempt to recall anything I can remember about my dreams while they’re fresh in my mind.

So, as a new addition to my blog, I will be writing a Dream post on the last day of each month. I am going to choose the most interesting dream I had throughout the month and share it with you.

Welcome to my dream on January 4th. The dream of the month…

The dream began with my friend Patty and I running around the entrance of the neighborhood, frantically trying to catch my cats; Tebow and Lucy. We finally scooped them up and began walking back to my house to bring them home.

My neighbor drove past Patty and I, and just as I went to wave, a speeding car smashed into my neighbor. Mr. G’s car spun out of control, lifted up into the air like a tornado and smashed back onto the ground.

I looked over and instead of Patty and the cats standing next to me, my mom and sister had appeared. I remember hearing shrieks of agony coming from inside the car as neighbors began pouring out of their houses to inspect the scene. A group of people ran past me with paper towels in their hands to wipe the blood off the accident victims. A very attractive African American woman crawled out of the car and I ran up to her and remember wiping blood off her forehead.

Afterwards, I walked down to the end of my neighbor’s driveway and stared blankly at a huge stack of compressed chairs. I looked up into the sky and Mr. Scrooge flew by in a giant potato helicopter.

Next I was sitting in my neighbor’s garage watching people play ping pong (I was only able to identify two of the people). We decided to go to the movies. I can’t remember the movie but I remember someone saying it got 3 and a half stars.

The garage walls and floor started rattling and started moving as windows appeared on the walls. The garage transformed into a limousine.

I was staring out the limo window and was mesmerized as colossal mega mansions passed by, houses with beautiful landscaping and waterfalls. I was in awe.

We got out of the limousine and I was in a third world country. We were walking in mud along this narrow path of terrain, like a plateau. There was a fence on both sides of the pathway with a beach below us.

On one side of the beach people were relaxing, like a normal beach scene. On the other side of the beach there were hundreds of people running in some sort of military training.

A couple holding a baby’s hand were laughing in the mud which I thought was strange.

An ex gym trainer at my gym was leaning against the fence holding a machete while lecturing me on how expensive college is. Then an extremely friendly girl around my age joined our conversation and she reminded me of Eliza Thornberry. I began panicking when I looked around and realized everyone from the limousine had left without me.

I started sprinting down the muddy pathway, screaming for my friends to wait for me but got sidetracked when I spotted a huge pile of keys. I noticed a familiar key chain in the pile and grabbed it from the entangled pile. It was my set of keys. I than thought someone had robbed every one of their valuables. I got up and kept running as the sky started getting darker and darker.

I specifically remember it shifting from late afternoon to night time at this point in my dream. I was still on the muddy passageway and started hearing noises in the distance. I kept running until I spotted a group of wild horses in the distance. There was a fork in the road so I followed the horses and the next thing I knew the horses had disappeared and I was in my neighborhood cold-a-sac.

I hurried towards my house and the bat mobile drove past me. I approached my house and sitting in my next door neighbor’s driveway was a really creepy, run down ice cream truck. I walked over to the truck to investigate it but thick fog started spewing out of it so I ran back to my house. I tried to get into my house but the front door was locked and realized the garage door was opened.

There were massive, car sized Christmas decorations, blocking my way to the kitchen door. I started climbing and crawling under and over the decorations like a ninja. As I was climbing over one of the decorations, the attic door slammed above me.

I screamed and leaped off a giant ornament and ran through the kitchen door without opening it. I set the alarm and ran to my parents’ bedroom. Before I woke them up, I remember staring at them and wondering why they were sleeping on opposite sides of the bed that they usually sleep on. I started shaking them to tell them someone was in our attic. I started talking but nothing was coming out of my mouth.

My parents knew I was upset and jumped out of bed. The three of us crept down the hallway. As we turned the hall corner and into the living room, all of our furniture was rearranged and flipped upside down.

Then I woke up.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

2012-01-28T19:18:00.001-05:00

Here’s an update on what has been going on with my life.

First off, I received a much unexpected phone call two weeks ago. I will not disclose what it entails unless everything follows through. It would be an incredible opportunity if it did.

Second, let me fill you in on my living arrangements. I live with three other guys in a 550 square foot apartment.

It’s freaking TINY! There’s a narrow kitchen, two bedrooms and ONE bathroom. And my bedroom that I have to share doesn’t have a door. Sounds cozy, doesn’t it? That’s the price I paid to live 3 minutes walking distance from class.

Here’s the kicker, my three roommates were random. I totally lucked out with two of them and they are really nice guys. We are all really different but we get along really well.

The third random roommate was nice but took sketchy to a whole nother level. He was kicked out for academic purposes but he did live with us throughout the Fall semester.

Oh and did I mention he was a drug dealer. This guy lived to smoke. I have never met someone who smoked as much and as often as he did. Not to mention how we were able to pass every room check and never got caught.

There was a constant flow of sketchy customers coming in and out of my apartment at all hours of the day.

I’ll be completely honest though, I’m happy he was my roommate. He opened my eyes to a whole different world. A world of low life, lazy ass kids which I never want to associate with or become myself.

Unfortunately the housing department assigned a new roommate to our room about two weeks ago. The new guy is messy, nerdy, talks in circles about nothing and uses our stuff. I am 99% certain this kid was using my shampoo and body wash. The first few days he moved in with us I noticed my shampoo and body wash bottle caps weren’t closed and weren’t as heavy. I have to remove my stuff from the shower ledge every time I get out of the shower now.

He also does this thing where he’ll ask me what I’m doing or where I’m going every ten minutes. And he sleeps with his eyes open. It’s fucking creepy.

I am 89 days away from moving out of my current apartment and moving off campus with one of my best friends into a 1075 square foot apartment. These next three months can’t come fast enough.

Besides the roomie situation, I should be holding my first ever business cards in my hands next week!! I got an incredible deal using Vistaprint and ordered 250 cards for $6. Now I just need to paint more canvases to sell at artwalks!

Speaking of canvases, my painting teacher is teaching us how to stretch a canvas in class this upcoming week. I have never been so excited for a class in my life. Art stores are a complete rip off but after I have the knowledge of canvas stretching, I will save a lot of money making my own instead of buying pre-stretched ones.

I have nothing new in my love life except for a guy I am very attracted to. He happens to be the manager at a Publix right next to my school. I’d say he is about five years older than I am but I would prefer being with someone a few years older than myself. My next goal is to introduce myself to him next time we cross paths.

Lastly, I was a part of the I Am Equal Project! They came to my school and I got my picture taken to fight for gay rights. Woot woot!

Besides that my life is a constant flow of art assignments. Mixed in with friends, reading and exercising. I couldn’t ask for anything better!

Urinals 101

2012-01-20T13:43:00.000-05:00

If you squirm at the thought of creepy germs lurking on toilet seats and faucet handles, you probably spend as little time as possible in public restrooms. And during those nerve-wracking moments when you dare to venture into the confines of the bathroom, you may find yourself pushing open the stall door with your elbows, crouching precariously above the toilet seat rather than letting your butt cheeks touch it, and flushing with your shoe.

I don’t know about you but public bathrooms, especially the urinals, can create some awkward moments. For instance, say you walk into a public bathroom and it happens to be really crowded. You look around and all the stalls are taken, all the urinals are occupied EXCEPT for the one right smack dab in the middle. Oh, and not to mention this bathroom lacks those urinal dividers. This has happened to me a couple times.

Regardless if you're straight, bi or gay... taking a pee while standing a foot away from another person (usually a complete stranger!) is uncomfortable and an invasion of privacy. Especially when the guy next to you lacks proper pubic bathroom etiquette.

Let me explain.

One time I had to pee like a racehorse during my drive back to school so I reluctantly got off at a rest stop and ran in to take a leak. I received a warm welcome by two saggy, hairy butt checks right in my face. This man dropped his jeans and boxers to his ankles. Props to him because he is clearly comfortable with his body but getting undressed to go pee is unnecessary.

Twice on different occassions I have witnessed men who attempted to make small talk with the dude next to him. At first I thought it was really bizarre but maybe both of those guys were gay. Who knows.

By far the most disgusting urinal experience I ever witnessed was in high school. Some sicko took a crap in the urinal and it stunk up the bathroom so bad. Those poor high school janitors…

But on the flip side, what do you do when a good looking guy is standing next to you at a urinal?

Do you make eye contact?

Do you sneak a peek?

Do you share a urinal? Kidding lol

I’ll admit, I’ve checked out a few guys’ package’s before. It was only a split second glance but I couldn’t resist. Haha

If you never put any thought into public bathrooms, follow my urinal etiquette:

Avoid making weird grunting or moaning noises.

Don’t drop your pants to the ground. No one wants to see your ass cheeks, unless you look like Cam Gigandet.

Refrain from standing an obnoxiously far distance from the urinal so everyone in the bathroom has a clear sight of your dingaling.

Don’t wave your wiener around so pee goes everywhere but in the urinal. Although this can get tricky when you’re drunk.

Don’t look around. Either look straight ahead at the wall or down into your urinal.

And finally, flush. Nothing is more delightful than walking up to an available urinal and finding a warm puddle of stale pee in the bowl that smells like a McDonald’s Play Place.

It's okay to be gay

2012-01-19T00:17:00.000-05:00

Whether you are out and proud, out to close friends and family, out to one or two people, still in the closet or perhaps still learning what your sexual orientation is; I know this video will have an impact on you. I had goosebumps when I started the video. I had tears running down my face once it ended. What an incredibly moving compilation.

Enjoy

Emotionally Secure

2012-01-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

Why is it that people can experience pain yet fail to change?

Simple.

They haven’t experienced enough pain yet. If you’ve ever been through a destructive situation and finally made the decision to use your personal power, take action and change your life, it was because you hit a level of pain you weren’t willing to settle for anymore.

We’ve all experienced those times in our lives when we’ve said, “I’ve had it-never again-this must change now.” It happened to me when I no longer allowed my sexuality to chain me down and control me.

This was a magical moment when pain became my friend. It drove me to take new action and produce new results. I became even more compelled to act when I anticipated how changing would create a greater deal of pleasure for my life.

What motivated my decision?

It was the desire to remove pain from my life and establish pleasure once again: the pleasure of comfort, the pleasure of self-esteem, the pleasure of peace, the pleasure of living life the way I designed it.

Much of my drive in life comes from the anticipation that my actions will lead me to a more compelling and successful future.

I am now focusing 100% of my attention on having the closest relationship with the Lord as possible, excelling in school and enhancing my art skills, experiencing the deepest connection with my friends and family as I can and obtaining the perfect body.

Public Lovin'

2012-01-08T01:28:00.000-05:00

“Whaaa the fuck. There is nothing wrong with that, I’m sure you can’t actually make someone stop. Affection is awesome wherever, whenever. I don’t care what people say or think, if I want to display my affection I’ll do it.”

My friend is all for Public Displays of Affection.

Like the whole world already knows, I’m not experienced in the world of intimacy, so I seek my much wiser and experienced friends for their advice on the topic.

I sent my friend a text asking her opinion about PDA, followed by the story that happened to me earlier this afternoon.

Well actually nothing happened to me, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

I was rummaging through my stuff looking for my workout shoes this afternoon. I realized I left them in the trunk of my car so I ran downstairs to the parking lot to retrieve them. After seizing my sexy orange Nike’s, I notice a couple sucking lips a dozen or so parking spots down.

They were really going at it and it was hot. The girl was sitting on the trunk of the car while the guy was standing between her legs with his hands in her hair. I didn’t want to look like a creep so I admired their make out sesh for ten seconds tops and started walking back to my room.

All of a sudden a campus douchebag in a golf cart drives up to the couple. He demanded them to stop and I was shocked this man had the audacity to interrupt two lovers minding their own business.

So I got back to my room and put my work out on hold. I jumped on my computer and started doing research on whether Public Displays of Affection is illegal or not.

The simplest answer I found was Answers.com: Not in the United States. They may be against the rules in certain schools, or within certain organizations and religions, but it isn't a crime.

What’s your thoughts on Public Displays of Affection?

Growing like Wildfire

2012-01-05T11:50:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life I feel alive. I have the same feeling when I wake up in the morning that I used to have when I was little. I have energy and drive to take on the day.

My major change is BY FAR one of the best decisions of my life. This semester is going to be absolutely amazing. I don’t have that dwelling feeling of not pulling off decent grades and struggling to scrap by with a B or C.

I know I can achieve straight A’s this semester. However, I don’t want to get straight A’s for my parents. I don’t want to get straight A’s to show off to my friends. I want to get straight A’s for me.

Not to toot my own horn but I know I’m good at art. My confidence in my artwork is definitely increasing since I practice everyday now. I was once the little boy who used to throw away his art for no one to see. Now I have a FaceBook page displaying my art. I have done a 180. Not only that but I am going to order business cards, start up my own website and get my name out there.

I even got the approval by a restaurant in Wilton Manors who want to display my artwork! Somebody pinch me.

One of the biggest changes I need to take control of is my sleep patterns. For the past three years I adjusted myself to going to sleep at 3 in the morning and wasn’t rolling out of bed till 11 in the afternoon.

That’s just ridiculous.

I purposely worked my schedule so I have 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. class every morning. I have so much more energy throughout the day and I’m ready to crash by 10 p.m. I know it’s going to take dedication to maintain this new sleeping pattern but I can do it.

This semester is all about me. I am focusing all of my attention on improving every aspect of myself.

My friends are constantly telling me I have all this potential. I’m ready to ignite the spark within me.

I learned that society attempts to make people think a certian way. I had the impression that college was a Van Wilder movie 24/7. I used to follow the crowd. I entered college and did just that.

I followed the crowd like a little clone.

I thought you could ONLY be cool by drinking, smoking weed, and going greek. Stupid, I know. And look where that got me. That taught me I hate drinking. Smoking weed makes me lazy and Greek life was the fakest experience of my life.

I do my own thing now and I have never been happier. I am gay. I love God. I love art. I love my family and friends. I love to exercise. I love me.

So bring it on life...because I'm ready to kick ass.

The Cigarette Fiend

2011-12-31T13:40:00.000-05:00

What a CRAZY year 2011 has been. I am psyched for 2012 to begin and I plan on blogging three times a week…unless I have a crazy story I have to tell you guys. But crazy things usually don’t happen to me.

USUALLY.

But once in a blue moon they do.

A few months ago I got a dose of “WTF just happened?!”

It was a normal day and I had left my house to run some errands. With CVS in sight, I was strolling across the parking lot minding my own business like I always do. I get on the sidewalk and hear an obnoxious car engine blaring behind me. I figured it was some high school hoodlum showing off his muffler so I ignored it.

Within a few seconds the noise had gotten extremely close to me. Startled, I quickly turned around assuming it was one of my friends trying to get my attention.

Instead of seeing a familiar face, a crack head in her mid-fifties nearly plows into me with her beat up car. She drove the left side of her car up onto the sidewalk and was literally a foot away from hitting me. The car comes to a screeching halt as she sat tilted in her car at a 20 degree angle.

Just wait, if that wasn’t crazy enough. The conversation takes the cake…

Ignorant Lady: Excuse me! Excuse me sir!

This woman was a hot mess along with the worst smoker’s voice I had ever heard.

Me: Umm hi?

Ignorant Lady: Will you please help me out and lend me some money? I just got out of the hospital because of my cigarette addiction. I can’t afford my medication blah blah blah

Me: I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t have any money.

This witch had the NERVE to start giving me attitude!

Ignorant Lady: She snaps back by saying “Give me some of your money!”

To which I smartassedly replied

Me: or maybe you should stop smoking cigarettes

Ignorant Lady: How dare you tell me what to do you disrespectful young man!

To which I blurted out

Me: …and you’re a nasty old bitch!

A combobulated slew of curse words and odd grumbling noises poured out of her mouth as she revved her car up and sped off down the road. She was definitely on drugs

I guess I’m on her shit list...

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE MY AWESOME BLOG FOLLOWERS!

Munchies

2011-12-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

I like to think of myself as an adventurous eater. I’m down to try anything once (unless it’s something weird like bison testicles or ostridge eyeballs).

VEGETABLES.

I HATE vegetables.

Why do vegetables taste so gross? I need to start eating them but I want to gag when my dad puts a bowl of mushrooms or collard greens on the table for dinner(to name a few).

Luckily I do tolerate a few vegetables. Spinach, carrots, potatoes, corn and artichokes. Any other veggie is a no go…

If you’re a picky eater like myself, have no fear.

V8 Splash Berry Blend is AMAZING! I love it so much I started chugging a bottle down in two days. My mom stopped buying it because I was jacking up the food bill. The next time it goes BOGO at Publix I’m buying 8 of them.

Another good substitute for a veggie lacked diet is vitamins. I take Gummy Vites. I think they make them for little kids but whatever. They taste exactly like Harbo gummy bears. I have to force myself not to eat handfulls of them.

Ensure and Instant Breakfast are both good as well. I like Instant Breakfast a little better because it doesn’t have a chalky taste that Ensure has.

If I continuously work in these supplements along with the three vegetables I am willing to add to my diet, I think I’m good to go.

95% of what I eat from now on is whole milk, bread, eggs, tea, yogurt, fruits, vegetables, protein shakes, rice, chicken, pasta, fish and peanut butter. Oh and did I mention Reece’s, Snickers, chocolate chip cookies, pizza, corn dogs, cookie crisp and Twinkies.

Eating properly is harder than I thought. It’s taken me about two years of living on my own to realize that but I do now. I function so much easier when I eat all my nutrients.

Fast food is so good but so bad for you. I get cravings for Chik-fil-A, Arby’s and Wendy’s all the time. Chik-fil-A’s peppermint milkshakes are way too good.

Not that I’m trying to watch my figure or anything. I’m dying to put on twenty pounds. Fast-food would be the easy way to obtain my goal but those foods are packed with chemicals and preservatives. I don’t want to reach my goal and have diabetes or a clogged artery on the side.

Okay, maybe that was a little extreme but you get what I'm saying. My parents RARELY let me eat junk food growing up for a reason.

The more I eat healthy foods, the more I'll start to enjoy them? Wishful thinking lol

I wish you all a healthy lifestyle as we start 2012!

I wish I was as enthusiastic about eating apples as she is...

Money Sucks

2011-12-29T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, if you haven’t already noticed the advertisements on my blog, I wanted to tell you that I applied for Google Adsense. To my excitement, I was accepted for it yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with Google Adsense, it allows me to make money through my blog.

If this works and I actually do make some money, I am using all of it on art supplies. Especially since I am currently unemployed and won’t be able to juggle a part-time job while taking 18 credit hours this upcoming semester. I need to start saving up money to begin buying canvases, nicer paints and paint brushes, pastels, drawing pencils and eventually convert from a pc to an apple desktop to manage my art more easily. Art supplies are pretty pricey so I figured I would give this Adsense a shot. My fingers are crossed...

It's Just a Number to Me

2011-12-28T15:02:00.000-05:00

I hope you guys had a Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

I have realized that I am building up too many expectations over something stupid. Turning legal...in about three months. But what’s so special about turning 21? Turning 21 sounds like it can be really dangerous for certain people. Liquor, bars and casinos. I would rather be listening to music and doing art than spending money, getting drunk at a bar. Not to say that all bars are bad. I would go with the intent to dance and have fun with friends.

I don’t understand the point in turning 21. I don’t even enjoy drinking unless it’s a Friday or Saturday night and I’m with a group of friends. Yet, I have this notion that a whole new world is going to magically open up before my eyes. Like these places called ‘bars’ were once prohibited from my existence and in one night, everything changes. Is turning 21 really that special?

Above everything, I’m curious what all this hype about turning 21 is. Perhaps bars really are a good playground for meeting a potential boyfriend. I have no idea.

I do want to start meeting gay guys but I feel like going to gay bars is my only option. But literally as I’m writing these feelings down, I am realizing how stupid this thought is. I can virtually meet a gay guy anywhere I am. I need to be less passive when I see a cute guy in public.

The difference between approaching a gay guy in a bar and approaching a gay guy in a public area is the certainty that he is gay.

I need to get over my fear of approaching a cute guy in public and no longer let the unknown factor of his sexuality hold me back from atleast making a new friend. I am leaning too heavily on my expectations on solely meeting a guy in a gay bar.

Like Seth Rogen said in Superbad, “I'm telling you man a bar isn't the place to find women (replace with gay men). I'd go to a farmers market or a pumpkin patch.”

Worth the Pain

2011-12-23T04:18:00.000-05:00

One thing I try to do is be a man of my word. I told you guys I was getting a tattoo over Winter Break for my grandmother who passed away. Well, its Winter Break and I got my tattoo!

The outline took my tattoo artist an hour and a half and when I save up the money I am going to get it colored in. I want the rose to look really classy so the petals are going to be velvet, the rose stem is going to be dark green and the rosary beads and cross are going to be metallic. I can't wait to get it colored in but I am enjoying every moment of it until that day.

I didn't realize how expensive tattoos cost but I would take a quality tat over a cheap, shitty looking tattoo any day. The outline cost me $200 and color is going to run $150.

So let me go ahead and answer the question you guys are probably wondering. I get this question ALL THE TIME. Did it hurt? Yes it hurt. The second he turned the needle on I shut my eyes because I figured if I couldn’t see the needle, it wouldn’t hurt as bad. Different parts of my tattoo hurt at different levels. The cross didn't hurt at all, certain areas of the ribs were extremely painful but the worst area was the very top of the rose, near my arm pit. That hurt like hell.

For the first ten minutes of my tattoo I was breathing really weird. I quickly realized it was a lot more painful to inhale while he was in the middle of tattooing me because my stomach was pushing against the needle. Every time he stopped to wipe the ink/blood I would breathe in as much air as possible. After a while I focused all my attention on my breathing and got into a good rhythm, breathing in and out for eight seconds each. The slow breathing helped reduce the pain so much. It helped me relax and not get tense. Besides, I wanted to stay as lifeless as possible to make sure my tattoo would turn out as perfect as possible.

I've wanted this tattoo for three years but never told my family about it because I thought they would judge me for getting a tattoo. None of my family members have tattoos so I knew it was going to be 'different' for them. Like always, my parents were so cool about it...to the point that they paid for it as my Christmas present! How sweet is that? However, they had no idea how big I was getting it until I came home with a huge bandage. I may have told them that the tatoo was going to be smaller than it really is. lol

The first night I had such a restless sleep. I was waking up with intense shooting pains in different areas of my tattoo. That sucked but fortunately each night got less and less painful. After a week of taking really good care of my tattoo, the pain was gone. I used this healing ointment called Aquaphor which works so great and Lubriderm lotion.

I am in love with my tattoo. It turned out just like I imagined!

Free Yourself

2011-12-21T02:00:00.000-05:00

Coming out of the closet is hands down the best gift I have ever given to myself.

It feels like I discovered an imaginary key I kept from myself for five years until I finally had the courage to set myself free. I used to constantly worry about having to censor what came out of mouth. It feels so good to whisper over to my friends when a cute guy walks by. Not only that but the freedom to talk about dating, relationships and sex openly. It’s vital to express your emotions instead of hoarding them.

I can remember every sensation, emotion, thought and fear that flooded my brain on June 30th, 2010. The night I came out for the very first time. It was around midnight and I had my room locked and I was rocking back and forth on my bed with my eyes shut as tight as I could make them. The thought of telling someone about my sexuality was the most terrifying thing in the world. It was my biggest fear.

I had to physically carry myself into the family room where my brother was watching tv. I sat down in the chair across the room from him. After a while he sat up and told me he was going to bed. The entire time I sat on the chair I was having a mental breakdown. As he started walking past me I said his name followed by “I need to tell you something.” He looked at me and immediately knew something was wrong. “I’ll go get my shoes.”

He walked out of my sight and I began trembling. I remember holding onto the front doorknob and feeling how sweaty my hands had gotten. My brother walked back and we walked outside. I felt like I had to throw up. My mind was spinning, I couldn’t focus and I thought my brain was going to explode as the emotions started pouring out of me. I initially told him I was bisexual. I was still confused at that point and it was easier to say than gay.

I just remember wanting to cry so badly after I finally said it. I feel embarrassed to cry in front of other people so I forced the tears back as best as I could.

Ross and I are eight years apart. Until he flew me out to Arizona to spend a week with him back when I was in high school, I knew next to nothing about him. He went off to college right before I started 5th grade. We were on totally different schedules so we rarely had time to interact as kids.

Since I came out to Ross on the last night of his visit, we were forced to talk over the phone. Usually I don’t see my brother for 6 months at a time but miraculously he had a client near our home and he was back a month and half later. He went from being an absent person in my life to my mentor in life. He accepted me the split second I told him about my sexuality and I am forever in his debt.

That night marked the first step of my journey towards happiness.

Happiness is a journey

2011-12-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

One thing that I am really realizing is just how much other people around me affect the things I think, do and say. The more I surround myself with postive, proactive people, the better I feel about myself. The more I'm around depressing, complaining people, the worse I feel about myself. I feel like every person and friend was put into my life for a reason. They are here to teach me something about myself and vice versa but honestly, some people aren't meant to stay in my life. I have a few friends that I need to distance myself from permanently. They aren't going anywhere in life. I guess it's just hard for me to let go of things...especially people. I want to help everyone and always be there for people but I can only tolerate negativity to an extent. For instance, one person I know is always mean to me for no reason. Another person constantly lies to me and a few others have no drive to go anywhere in life.

Things are about to change. My friends keep telling me how much potential I have and I finally see that potential in myself. I have several changes to make and I am excited to tackle all of them. I have a long ways to go but I am so determined to become the man I know I was meant to become.

This is my New Year's Resolution

1. Stop hanging out with lowlife/negative people
2. Go to bed by 11 p.m.
3. Eat healthy and gain 20 pounds
4. Work out five days a week
5. Pursue art seriously
6. Pray as much as possible and grow in my relationship with the Lord
7. Read the Bible. For first week read 25 verses, 35 versus following week
8. Listen to a confidence video everyday
9. Stop watching porn
10. Stop cursing
11. Be genuine to everyone. Be a great friend, brother and son to my friends and family.
12. Start networking and selling art
13. Stop trying to make everyone else happy
14. Open up to Mom and Dad more
15. Eat more fruits and vegetables and no more fast-food
16. Never lie to anyone
17. Practice yoga twice a week
18. Make more genuine friendships with good people
19. Build self-confidence
20. Love myself

For the first time in my life I know what my priorities are.

Coming Out Responses

2011-11-22T12:01:00.000-05:00

“Did you get a girl pregnant?” –Ross

“Does this mean you don’t like working out?” –Monica

“I thought you were going to tell us you had cancer!” –Angela

“You’re either gay or you like me...” –Anita

“I knew it! I wish you came to me sooner so we could have skipped school and talked to me.” –Patty

“There’s nothing gay about you.” –Tiffany

“Never use KY warming jelly when you’re having sex, it feels like hot diarrhea sliding in and out of your ass.” –Kathleen

“We need a codename for cute guys when we’re together! Buckcherrys!!” -Dorie

“I always wanted to ask a gay guy this. It’s not a choice…is it?” –Mom

“No fucking way! Guys, is he being serious?” –Sabina

“Oh, that’s cool” –Alexis

“Now that I think about it, you never seemed interested when we jokingly turned on porn with the guys.” –Jake

“Can I tell my mom that you’re gay?” -Ryan

“You’re an undercover gay.” –Jill

“Now I can run up to you whenever a hot guy comes into Tropical Smoothie!” -Anamaria

"I always wanted a gay best friend and now I have one! Yay!" -Rachel

“You know I love you either way. I don’t care about that stuff.” -Tyler

“He’s seriously too cute to be gay.” Julie and Sam

“You’re one of my best friends, how did I not know this?! My gaydar freaking sucks.” –Angel

“My gay friend and I were looking through your Facebook pictures to determine if you were straight or gay. We concluded you were straight. I’m like a fruit fly, the gay’s just flock to me!” –Kaitlin

“So you like that big black dick in your mouth, eh.” Kelsey

“Well at least I was your first make-out buddy. You’ll never forget me!” –Sammie

“Did you ever think I was gay?” –Kyle

“So are you still going to get married to a girl?” –Sarah

“That makes two of us, I’m bi! Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?” -Julia

Fascinated

2011-11-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

Before I get in depth about this post, I want to start by saying I have never tried drugs besides smoking marijuana. I used to smoke pretty frequently in my high school days but hardly ever smoke anymore unless it’s for a special occasion.

Several of my friends, mostly from back home, have dabbed into experimenting with more hardcore drugs which I always stayed away from. Too many hours spent watching episodes of Intervention showed me the horrors of addiction. But for some reason, I can’t get enough about hearing other peoples experiences when they tripped. I am so curious! It’s not that I have a burning desire to try shrooms, but if I got offered to try them, I probably would if I was with the right people in the right environment. It really baffles me how ingesting a magic mushroom can alter your perception on life.

What holds me back from trying shrooms is the process that I would be poisoning my brain. That does not sound healthy.

Shrooms would be the only drug I would ever try since they grow out of the ground, being completely natural. Often times, I get people who have already done shrooms who encourage me to try them at least once. One friend called it a ‘creative and spiritual portal’.

My brother’s ex-girlfriend said she got chased out of farm pasture for picking shrooms, a kid I worked with said he had a spiritual epiphany and was on the ground in tears of joy. Another time a family friend who is in graduate school at my University ran into me on campus. We got on the topic of shrooms and lone and behold, she had only great things to say about them.

The best shroom conversation I ever had was with my Speech Professor last year. We had to give a five minute informational speech on any topic so I chose psilocybin mushrooms. The teacher was walking around the room to approve our topics and I got pretty nervous when she got to my desk. I handed her my rough draft and her face lit up! She crouched down next to me and started telling me that she used to do LSD and shrooms when she was my age! “Between you and me, I had my fair share of mushroom experiences”. She even walked back to her desk after finishing inspecting the classes’ topics and goes “I can’t wait until ‘my name’ presents his presentation! Hahaha The class probably thought I was a hardcore druggy. I got a 100% on that speech and incorporated my drawings throughout the PowerPoint.

Would you guys ever do magic mushrooms? If not, why? If you have, how was your experience??!

AGD

I'm Just Beginning

2011-11-18T02:59:00.000-05:00

Hey dudes! I wanted to catch you guys up with my life since I've been slacking in the blogosphere lately. For the past month or so, I haven't been going to counseling or the lgbt group meetings. The group meetings were really not what I had expected. I ended up sitting in a room with five other random students venting their life problems for an hour and a half. Bits and pieces of the sessions I found useful but not enough to go back. As far as the one-one counseling goes, I just wasn't growing from my new counselor. She was a good counselor but I'm starting to realize I don't need counseling anymore. I have my life in check now(almost lol).

Sooo for the last two months me and 300 other students met every Thursday night on a parking garage rooftop. It was a secret society where we did drugs and had sex orgys. Just kidding, we were hard at work practicing for a flash mob! It turned out to be such an amazing dance and I ended up being in the front row. I had the opportunity to meet a lot of really cool people at flash mob practices, which was by far one of the best highlights of my semester so far.

I have been a little bit on the wild side when it comes to drinking. I don't drink often but when I do drink, I go hard. For the entire month of October there was a 21st birthday party lined up every weekend. At my friend Molly's party I was hammered and broke my other friends leg. I felt terrible!! We were both drunk in the front lawn and she went to get up and I grabbed her ankle and her leg popped. I feel like this wouldn't happen to a normal persons leg but she played softball growing up and her legs are super prone to injury. I just need to learn when to stop drinking becuase I had a really bad hangover until 4 p.m. the following day. Worst feeling ever.

I can't say I have been taking care of myself as well as I did last year. Last year I was working out like a maniac and was laying out by the pool 5+ days a week. I officially cut all soda and McDonalds from my diet. My goal is to cut all fast food and replace it with more fruits and vegetables. Lets just say it's a work in progress. I need to stop being so lazy and whip myself back into shape...not that I'm out of shape, but I have much improvement to do. The perfect pushup, iron gym and ab wheel have grown to become my best friends. Growing up in a healthy, active household has become a part of my lifestyle.

Speaking of which, I go to a two hour spin class every Wednesday night and also yoga on Thursday and Friday's. Friday yoga is my favorite! The teacher is excellent, a bunch of my friends go to that class and there are some beautiful guys in this class. It's very distracting trying to stay in a meditated state of mind focusing on your inner self and wanting to check out the studs the entire time. OH VEY

Tonight I went to a concert to see Casting Crowns live for my first time. They are so great in person! The lead singer is really funny and I ended up having a great time. (Casting Crowns is a Christian band for those who don't know the band). Their right up there with Hillsong and Tenth Avenue North. Growing in my faith everyday is another thing I find really important to me but like everything else in life, it takes time and patience.

And finally, my art has been improving. Atleast I think so. My drawing II class has taught me so much this semester but unfortunately it's almost over. My teacher focused the semester on my class drawing skeletons. At first I wasn't feeling it but the more I put my heart into the class, I grew to love skeleton drawings. And my teacher picked me to be apart of a mural project that takes place next semester! We get to paint a mural of my mascot on the side of Sbarros in the middle of the food court. I feel so blessed to be apart of that.

Two weeks ago I recieved an email and I was acepted into Artwalk! It's a big art event that takes place once a month for local artists and jewlers to showcase their art and sell it. Selling my art is one of my dreams which is about to come true! You have no idea how thrilled I am about this!!

So without further adieu, here are a few of my skeleton drawings...

Have a great weekend! Peace

The Old Me is Dead and Gone Away

2011-11-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

College campuses are swarmed with hot guys! Now that I am growing into myself and fully accepting my sexuality, I have been checking out other cute guys way more than before. My friend came up with a clever code name for checking out guys. Bird watching, so ever since, that's what I call it.

My question to you guys: Is there a particular way to check a guy out when you walk past him? This may seem like a stupid question but first impressions are crucial! If I am walking and see a hot guy walking in the distance towards me, I start freaking out on the inside.

“OMG HE’S HOT! WHAT IF HE’S GAY? OH PLEASE BE GAY! SHOULD I SMILE AT HIM? WHAT IF HE DOESN’T SMILE BACK? WHAT IF HE DOES SMILE BACK!? ;) THEN DO I SAY HI? SHOULD I TURN AROUND AFTER WE PASS?”

That’s a classic example of what goes through my mind when I have an encounter with a guy I am attracted to. I don’t expect smiling at a cute stranger to turn into a 20 minute conversation followed by a future hangout sesh.
I do however, want people to know I am easy to talk to and easily approachable. I find that to be a fantastic quality! I know everyone has the capability of exerting this skill. Something I am working on perfecting is smiling at people that walk past me. When I’m not texting or occupied with my phone, I try my best to make eye contact with people and smile.

I noticed this is something I really like when people do to me. It gives a great first impression and I am able to remember that person way more than if the same person walked past me without looking at me. I get the feeling their occupied or just not interested.

I push myself every single day to be as friendly and genuine as possible with every person I encounter, whether it is a total stranger or a friend. People respect others who are nice, I know I do.

I have noticed a huge difference in myself over the past two years. I am so much happier, more friendly, and much more full of life. Thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way and who has been a positive influence in my transformation!

Talent, Luck and a lot of Praying

2011-11-09T19:35:00.000-05:00

I need some reassurance right about now. I recently made a big change in my life. I changed my major from Advertising to a Bachelor in Fine Arts. As happy as I am to be in a major I love, I am terrified I won’t be able to find a job once I graduate! I know these classes will enhance and improve my skills and my confidence as an aspiring artist.

I just wish someone in my family could relate to where I am coming from. My father is in law, my mother was in med and now works in law, and my older brother and sister are accountants. I can’t relate to them at all and vice versa.

I actually just got off the phone with my dad and he asked me, “So what kind of jobs can you get with a fine arts major?” That’s the problem, I’m not really sure. I have a go with the flow type of personality. I don’t research things to a serious extent like I need to. I need to begin looking for internships and netwroking with art companies, galleries, other artists, ect.

I have no desire whatsoever to become an art teacher. I dream of one day working for an art company and selling my artwork on the side, eventually becoming a well-known artist. That would be AMAZING!

I love art so much and I know I have the capability of making it big one day. I just need to trust in myself and reassure my loved ones that I can land a well-paying job with a not so hopeful major.

I do have some good news though, I recieved an email this morning saying I've been accepted into an Art Walk! I'm super stoked about that. This may be the door to my success.

Here’s my latest drawing I did in my free time:

You're one of a kind Kid

2011-11-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

The moment I stop caring what people think about me, the moment I’m able to laugh at myself and completely let go of my fear of being wrong, I can truly start living.

Friday afternoon I came out to a friend that I have been dying to tell for a while now. I ran out of the arena once my yoga class was over and met her at the student union. Let’s just say we have a very interesting relationship. We always jokingly talk about hooking up and I find it hysterical. She was nice enough to ask me to her sorority formals all three years. Freshman year AXO Semi was one of the best nights of my life. I couldn’t go last year because her Semi was the same day as my birthday and this year I wanted her to have the opportunity to go with a straight guy.

We sat down at a table in the union and she knew I had something to tell her. When I finally said it, she was so freaking cool about it. I swear, I would have never guessed how accepting every single one of my friends are about my sexuality. Then she tells me that her older brother is gay! She said that her brother uses an app on his phone to find other guys like himself in his area called Grindr.

After my friend and I talked for a bit, she had to go to work so I headed to the library. Who do I run into? My friend that I went to high school with that I have wanted to come out to. I knew telling this girl was going to be a lot more difficult because she had the biggest crush on me in high school and possibly still to this day because she always flirts with me. We hooked up in high school (which I forgot about) and she still gives me shit to this day for not asking her to prom. I didn’t know how to approach the subject so I just said “there’s something really important that I need to tell you…” When I said I was gay, she wouldn’t believe me! I knew this was going to be her reaction so it didn’t surprise me at all. “No! I don’t believe you. No, you’re not gay! There’s nothing gay about you! Stop lying to me!” This went on for a few minutes until she realized I was being serious. Unfortunately, she was meeting up with her friends so our conversation got cut short but she sent me a text saying… “it doesn’t change the way I look at you! I’m sad you waited so long but I’m happy you told me :) Call me whenever. I’m serious <3

I got back to my room and decided to download the app and give Grindr a shot. I’ve had the app for a full 24 hours now and I have come across 4 guys I am attracted to. I haven’t received a message back from any of these guys but I’ll stick it out for a week. I have received a large amount of messages from guys but I’m just not attracted to any of them.

Which leads me into another topic I want to discuss. Can a person be too picky? I have a lot of friends that tell me I am way too picky. I call it having high standards. I have a very distinct type in guys. I am extremely attracted to tall, muscular guys and always have been. I was at a Halloween/21st birthday party two weekends ago and there were several gay guys there. I got hit on by a few of the guys and a few people encouraged me to hook up with one of the kids who apparently really wanted to get with me. I said no. I’d rather not hook up than hook up with someone I am not even remotely attracted to. I hope people don't take that as me being vein or shallow.

I have the sexual experience equivalent to a fourteen year old. At the age of 20, I have kissed three girls and one guy. I am trying to wait for Mr. Right to come into my life but at the same time, I wonder if I should be out and about experimenting with guys. I could have very easily responded to any of the 73 guys who messaged me on Grindr but I’m not going to.

As horny as I may be, I am going to remain the Virgin Mary. I don’t know why giving my virginity to the right guy means so much to me, but it does.

P.S.- I can't wait to see the movie Immortals. Holy hot damn Henry Cavill is so hot!!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T21:50:00.000-04:00

I hope you guys have an awesone Halloween! Let me know what you guys dressed up as. I'm overdue for a long post to fill you guys in on my life but for now, heres my costume...

The Cheshire Cat

My first boner

2011-10-06T17:46:00.000-04:00

Catchy title, eh? Yes, I remember my first boner. I feel awkward writing it down but here it goes. Lol

Talk about having no idea what was going on with my body. To make things even better, I wasn’t alone. Oh no, my first boner popped when I was 14 years old at my friend’s house. My friends James, Christian and I were upstairs in James’ room shooting the shit and watching Not Another Teen Movie for the first time. My penis came to life for the first time once a very specific scene from the movie activated all the hormones in my body. Jake Wyler, played by Chris Evans, walks into the room butt naked. His nipples and penis are covered with whipped cream and is trying to entice the girl to have sex with him. Nonetheless she refuses but my eyes were glued to the television.

I remember quickly shifting positions and lying on my stomach to hide my boner. Luckily it went away and they didn’t notice my pitched tent. We ended up having a sleep over that night and the next day when I got home I re watched that scene of the movie probably 50 times. That was the first time I was fascinated by the male body. Chris Evans you popped my boner cherry, thanks man.

Four years later, a big group of my friends and I snuck into the theaters to see Fantastic Four. I was SO excited because I knew Chris Evans was going to be in that movie as well. I think this guy really enjoys stripping down in front of the camera because he was practically naked in a scene of that movie too! Got another boner haha He is such a hunk!

Self Confidence comes with Knowledge

2011-09-27T00:43:00.001-04:00

“Love can come when you’re already who you are, when you’re filled with you. Not when you look to someone else to fill the empty space.” – Deb Caletti

This quote is so true. Love is available to everyone but it’s only successful once both individuals have found themselves. I don’t understand why people would want a relationship before their ready for one. I witnessed enough disastrous high school relationships to know when I would be ready. So am I ready? I believe so. Now I just need to put myself out there and begin meeting other gay guys.

The only problem is meeting other gay guys. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. That’s unknown territory to me but I figured out a way to ease myself into doing it. I plan on walking into the LGBT Center and introducing myself to whomever is in there. I want to make lots of new friends which will only further expand my circle of gay friends.

And thanks to my brother, I just started watching videos on building confidence. They have the potential to be life changing if you put in the combined effort. The name of the series is called The Blueprint Decoded by Tyler Durden. You can find video segments on YouTube and I would absolutely recommend checking them out. He is so great!

So between attending my lgbt meetings, meeting other gay people in the LGBT Center and absorbing these confident videos, I know I am moving myself in a successful path.