Through the Eyes of Bipolarity

Positive and Negative Psychosis

2019-01-10T02:57:00.004+03:00

Many people ask me regularly what psychosis really is because it is a genuinely difficult state of mind to pinpoint and identify. Now I am no doctor of any kind but as I have been afflicted with bipolarity for almost 15 years now and gone through 3 psychotic episodes I want to try and shed some light on this subject.

Psychosis is a state of mind where thought and emotions are distorted to such a degree that the person affected by it loses touch with their outer reality. Now this a very general description which needs to be explored to be fully understood. Psychosis can occur in many different ways. It can be a positive psychosis, hence associated with feelings of happiness and enlightenment, or it can be a negative psychosis erupting feelings of sadness, upset or anguish. When I suffered from psychotic episodes they were very much negative and even to a degree violent. I constantly kept on hearing voices of certain people wanting to bring harm to me and my close ones. Now in this case I was only able to deal with these psychotic voices by letting them run through my head and hang on to the positive belief that indeed one day the voices would stop and I would get better. Now it's easier to say all this than to actually practice it but it worked for me and I'm still alive here writing about it. I even tried to stop my thoughts but naturally came to an agreement it was physically and mentally impossible. As long as you hang to the positive feeling that one day you will feel better and overcome psychosis you will have fulfilled the motto of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". The medication does work and a good doctor can help you.

Now with regards to the positive psychosis I believe it is a state of psychosis elevated by mania where the subject is in fact deliriously happy all the time and can be brainstorming wild ideas about business or socializing (or trying to socialize) persistently with anyone they can and the voices may tell them that they are close to a prophet or a god of sorts and that there is nothing they cannot achieve. This may seem like an all powerful permanent adrenaline rush that everyone desires but it does not work out that way because it is not in touch with the external reality of these individuals. Great harm can come by upsetting the wrong people or even to the individual who suffers from this type of psychosis because it is a sort of delusion of thinking that everyone will agree with you. Yet there are some people with positive psychoses who are brilliant businessmen and women because they think of out of the box ideas but this does not mean it is easy to live with this condition.

Identifying someone who is in psychosis starts with the person who is afflicted by it to take a moment to step aside and agree that perhaps there is something wrong with them and that they should seek guidance from a psychiatrist. A positive psychosis can quickly turn into a negative psychosis and bring harm to you and others around you. If you know someone who you think is in psychosis but who do not seem to acknowledge that anything is wrong with them give them time to come to their realization. This case may differ from person to person but a person can only receive help if they want to be helped. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

Psychosis Simulator: Hellblade - Senua's Sacrifice

2018-10-23T19:50:00.002+03:00

In this blog post I want to look at the multi-platform game Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice and how well it captures the feeling of psychosis which mostly many of us bipolar people have experienced.

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice is a first person game that is a first of its kind in how it unwraps how we endure psychosis. The developer of the game is Ninja Theory and the game itself has accumulated dozens of awards. During the development of this game they worked closely together with people who had experienced or were experiencing psychosis and the end product is fantastic.

The game is set somewhere during the Viking era in a bizarre world and you are a young woman journeying towards saving your dearest love from the clutches of Viking hell. While you journey you can constantly hear inner voices just as you do in real life psychosis and you have to distinguish symbols which have meaning in them. The symbols are representative of how when we see "signs" that mean nothing in reality but in psychosis have meaning for us and in the game they similarly unlock your progression in the story..

The game really captures the dark and light moments of psychosis where you see scary images and hear a booming dark voice during dark times and when you experience lighter ecstatic times. The contrast between emotional states is very accurately represented, so much so that I would not recommend you to play this game if you are recovering from or experiencing psychosis currently because "Yes! It's that realistic". Moreover, at some points of the game you have to sword-fight these possessed Viking men which I assume are a figment of her imagination but these parts are a welcome addition to the continuation of the game. Here's a video I captured while fighting some of these Vikings.

The game has great meaning for us bipolar people because it is an opportunity to demonstrate to people who are unaware of what psychosis actually is, to step into our shoes for a moment and witness it for themselves. Indeed it is set in a historic-fantasy setting but this aspect doesn't subtract from its value as a simulation of someone enduring psychosis. As I mentioned previously the small studio Ninja Theory has picked up many awards for their efforts to show this emotional-state and I can certainly say they have rightfully earned them.

*Screenshots and Video were taken via my gameplay on the Xbox One

Back to the Blog! Nice to see you!

2018-09-18T18:35:00.003+03:00

So I've decided to return to writing articles on my blog again as usual about the condition I am afflicted with AKA Bipolar disorder. It's been just over 7 years since I wrote my last blog post after which I had major writers block and subsequently worked primarily as a translator. During this time I have not been going to a psychotherapist but I am still piously taking my medications and having routine blood test checks every 6 months to a year. I've had two more psychotic episodes but I've recovered thankfully and now I am stable but wishing to write more about what I have learned and experienced.

Bipolar disorder is not something that has a cure but rather it is something that can be controlled. Some bipolar people can continue their lives as normal with a healthy living style (eating fish and fruit and doing exercise). Other bipolar people are continually struggling with this affliction and have difficulty dealing with extreme highs and most importantly the lows. I've found that taking medication most certainly helps regulate these moods but it doesn't outright nullify them.

The most important factor here is that as a bipolar person we must accept that we will have this
condition for as long as we live and that we must face the unfortunate things that it brings to our lives and deal with them in the least harmful way possible. It's true that all human beings feel lows and highs but many people fail to understand the depths of how bipolar people feel these emotions. One small trigger can send a bipolar person crashing down into a slump in their armchair or raise their awareness levels rocket high awakening them for days on end. Yet the key is to keep track of one's emotion levels and be aware of whether you are in danger of becoming psychotic. In other words monitor yourself as best you can.

In conclusion I am ashamed I couldn't keep committed to this blog but as you all know people are unpredictable sometimes especially bipolar people. I just hope my previous articles were useful for you albeit from a younger and less refined version of myself. Hope to see you once more in the posts to come but take care for now. Good to be back!

Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2

2011-08-26T19:32:00.001+03:00

Being bipolar for 5 years now I have come to realise that there are varying degrees in people's moods and that one can be bipolar 1 or 2. Subjects of bipolar 1 generally have higher peaks in mania and lower drops in depression than bipolar 2 subjects do. Therefore when bipolar 1 subjects suffer from psychosis their psychology reaches a level that is close to god (or whatever you call it) and their depression drops to a low abyss.

I am bipolar 1 and if I don't take my medications I could become Schizophrenic. So the motto continues: Always take your medications even if it damages you physically or someone unqualified tries to persuade you otherwise. Stay strong.

Star Wars and Bipolar Disorder

2011-03-02T04:21:00.001+02:00

Isn't it funny how the bipolar phenomenon resembles the dilemma of the Jedi and the Sith described in the Star Wars saga. The reason I mention this is because of the characteristics.

Jedi are very wary of the dark side and sometimes the Sith must also be wary of light side as described in Sean Williams book "Star Wars: The Force Unleashed." People similarly can switch from the dark side to the light side and vice versa although this always has to be triggered by a moment.

The Sith are commonly described to be driven by anger or hate and Yoda puts it along the lines of "Fear is the path to destruction. Fear leads to anger, anger leads hate, hate leads to suffering." So therefore everything we feel is sometimes due to the fears we have and that makes us Sith in some respects.

There is a sense that Jedis are trying to control their extremes by using the force in a fair manner and the Sith use the force to destroy things around them. We are at war with ourselves and others when we are in psychosis and balanced when we take our medication.

(Edited) The Star Wars Saga is very much resemblant to our every day lives and perhaps why we love it so much. Did you know Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) was also bipolar.

(My deepest condolences to the Fisher family and friends.)

Bipolar Work and Stress (Restarting Life)

2010-11-13T23:00:00.004+02:00

One of the most important things for a bipolar person is to control stress while earning money. It took me about a year to enter a job again and start taking my own responsibility and together with this there was a significant amount of stress.

When we are bipolar it is very important to control your stress levels because stress for us is higher than in most individuals. After suffering from psychosis or a nervous-breakdown or whatever you want to call it, we have to eventually face up to our responsibilities.

What I have seen in myself and my other bipolar friends is that we need a job and while working we need to take breaks once in a while and not work too much.

We have to create limits for ourselves as to what we can and can't do. The theory goes that bipolar people can be successful and after two years of medication I feel that things really do seem to be getting better.

In my article Mental Handicap = a gateway to paradise I found that taking medication was a handicap. But I realized after psychosis and later hospitalization that taking medication does actually make you better. Without our medication as Kay Redfield Jamison describes in her book Touched with Fire we will perish by the age of 35 if we don't take the medication prescribed to us.

So if you are bipolar in order live a healthy life: work (but don't work too hard), take your medication and keep up your own responsibilities. Basically look after your mental (i.e take holidays) and physical health as best you can. Bipolar people are mostly overachievers and therefore it is important to balance your own moods when necessary.

Shyness

2010-05-11T20:52:00.000+03:00

After major breakdowns during psychosis most of us experience difficulty in adapting to normal everyday routines. Although the ultimate goal is to "get a job" and continue with life, its not as easy as it seems because we have to take baby steps during our path. Making friends, remaking friends and making new friends takes time. In this article I will summarise some of the points necessary to overcome shyness based on articles Ive read over the internet and from my recent experiences.

One thing I reccomend is to take a trip if possible so that you force yourself into a situation that you are not comfortable with. At the beggining it might be best to visit a good friend or relative so that you can get things into perspective. The task itself may seem daunting but believe me when you get going everything seems much more simple that it appears.

If you've been on a trip or you just dont want to go on a trip, then I suggest you begin with small tasks such as going shopping or taking a small walk around your local area. You can leave the house for a small while but as long as you've left the house each day, then you will feel much better believe me.

Still not convinced! Then maybe you can try checking what other people are doing on the internet through social media websites such as facebook and friendfeed. Play a game, read a magazine or cook your favorite dish.

No matter what always take your medication even if someone says otherwise. The medication is also a gradual stabiliser in your emotions and it can help shape you in to a better person than you used to be. Start a new tommorow every day and dont despair at how terrible your life is or has been. Everyday you will get stronger and the medication will become a part of your routine life.

I myself am not a very social person either but Iam working towards it by learning to be by myself and by challenging myself by talking to others.

Bipolar people all go through tough times and shyness comes together with the devasting affects of psychosis. It takes time to defeat shyness but it is beatable.

Détente

2010-01-19T22:14:00.002+02:00

After publishing my last post last year I rediscovered that stopping medication after you've started already is not a good idea. Stopping medication for me meant being sectioned in one of Turkey's best psychiatric wards. Nothing in comparison to the cushy chaired single bedroom wards that have sprung up in recent times in the U.K especially.

The Erenköy Psychiatric ward was a fairly large facility with two main buildings seperating the females from the males and composed mainly of people who were off their rocker. Bedrooms were shared and men shared rooms generally with people they liked. Although at the beginning times were tough of course because the building for men as I could see it was seperated by a bottom floor and top floor. While I was trapped on the bottom floor with people of all types of descriptions, I genuinely feared for my life because these people were either sexually frustrated or totally off the wall. I later realised that the calmer people were taken to the top floor two days later so the top floor was like going to heaven.

In general then I can say that my trip to the psychiatric ward was not pleasant and I wouldn't want to repeat it. This is the second time Ive entered psychosis and it meant losing my job together with my ambition. The wars are over now but I still have to deal with depression and balancing myself once again.

Going into psychosis is not pleasant so in order not to repeat another episode those of you taking your medication please continue so for your own sake. Mood stabilisers not only keep us sane but they help bring balance to ups and downs that we encounter. I was wrong.

Mental handicap = a gateway to paradise.

2008-12-16T14:34:00.004+02:00

(Edit Warning!: This article was written when I was in psychosis. It is not a representation of what I actually believe in)
Bipolarity is a way of life. A life that we choose and direct. Medication gives us the sanctity that we will get better and consoles our wounded soul. Some of us take our medication until we die but the sole problem is that we believe we have a problem. Yes, indeed Houston we have a problem.

What is the problem? Honestly, what is the problem? The problem is for me that I am not one with nature. The first caveman didn't fight dinosaurs with a bag of lithium in his hand, he had a spear! He used his brain on how he could outwit the dinosaur and capture it for a feast.

Studies do not prove that medication even works properly but one thing it does for certain is that it hooks you. Once you take that medication and continue it you need a long period of detoxification to completely free yourself. I welcome all medication companies, enthusiasts and loyalists to post their crap about medication for the whole world to see because it makes me proud to know that I can batter you all!

Physically all drugs are effective. Mentally they are all placebos. We are bipolar and that makes us intelligent enough to overcome all the emotions that exist in the universe.

Regular Sleeping patterns help Bipolarity

2008-01-16T21:34:00.001+02:00

It is apparent that regular sleeping patterns help bipolar people to remain emotionally stable. The occurrence of lapsing into mania or depression is much higher in bipolar patients who have irregular sleeping patterns. It is advised that people diagnosed as bipolar should engage in more leisure or work activities so that they can function "normally." Regular sleeping patterns involve sleeping and waking up at specific times. The normal amount of sleep required for the average person is 7 hours. As explained in an article I wrote earlier, the human body requires light to sustain itself. So light helps our body if we are awake during the day.

As such it is the time of year when we are all beginning to realize that it is no longer the year 2007 and we must make changes in the year 2008. It is time to complete desired goals and start doing our best. Potentially we can all live a life without medication and together with supplements and maintenance regimes we can reach this objective. We cannot rely completely on our therapists because we also have make an effort. As funny joke says:

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?

It all depends on whether the light-bulb wants to change.

We can visit psychiatrists for years and years but if we don't want to change then nothing will be accomplished. If you want to change then you will and this involves entering a strict regime. 7 hours sleep, routine regimes, supplements and proper intake of medication seems to be the best options available.

Lithium - Bipolar remedy or Exacerbation?

2008-01-14T02:48:00.002+02:00

In the late 1800s it was discovered as having mood stabilizing effects but bipolar patients have different viewpoints towards this drug: Lithium. Sting, Evanescence and Kurt Cobain all wrote songs about it and their interpretations highlighted ambivalence around this drug. No one can say for sure whether this drug is the essential choice to treat bipolar disorder but it most certainly is a primary one. It would be interesting therefore to look at how the drug actually works and whether the side-effects associated with it are worth the effort.

Lithium was originally used as a compound to treat gout and by 1970, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration declared its prescription for the treatment of manic-depression as official. For 50 years bipolar people were using lithium as a treatment without any understanding of how the drug actually worked. But in 1998 researchers of the University of Wisconsin pinpointed that it was made an effect on nerve cells in the brain and the receptors for the neurotransmitter glutamate. As such lithium causes the stabilisation of glutamate neurotransmitters ands keeps the 'amount of glutamate active between cells at a stable, healthy level, neither too much nor too little'(1).
(1)Quote is from Marcia Purse at verywellmind.com

We all know the 'half-life of a single dose of lithium is from 12-27 hours (varies with age)'(2) which means that we should be careful not to intoxicate ourselves by taking too much of this drug. It is advised that if you miss a dose you should take your next dose at your next regularly scheduled time and avoid taking more to compensate for the dose you missed. If you overdose it is advised that you seek medical attention immediately. There are many symptoms involved in situations where you might have overdosed: 'nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, drowsiness, muscle weakness, tremor, lack of coordination, blurred vision, or ringing in your ears'(3).

(2)Quote is from David C. Lee, MD at medscape.com
(3)Symptoms of overdose provided by Cerner Multum at drugs.com

The side-effects of this drug are the most dreaded elements of this compound and even though some explain lithium is worth the effort (despite its side-effects), others believe that lithium is a burden on their lives(4). Some of the side-effects involved during the normal intake of lithium may include:

extreme thirst, urinating more or less than usual;
weakness, fever, feeling restless or confused, eye pain and vision problems;
restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck;
pain, cold feeling, or discoloration in your fingers or toes;
feeling light-headed, fainting, slow heart rate;
hallucinations, seizure (blackout or convulsions);
fever with muscle stiffness, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats; or
early signs of lithium toxicity, such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, drowsiness, muscle weakness, tremor, lack of coordination, blurred vision, or ringing in your ears. (5)
Other side-effects include acne as well problems associated with a failed kidney.

(4)This list of side-effects was produced by Cerner Multum at drugs.com

Some never experience any of these side-effects but many do and researchers must address these issues. It is said that 1 in a 1000 Americans are on Lithium treatment. The U.S government and other researchers responsible for the production of bipolar treating drugs should make some changes. Ongoing use of lithium can help treat us but it can also harm us significantly. The potential risks of lithium can be enormous if we are "unlucky". Risks involve:

(a)Mild-to-moderate toxicity: Generalized weakness, Fine resting tremor, Mild confusion
(b)Moderate-to-severe toxicity: Severe tremor, Muscle fasciculations, Choreoathetosis, Hyperreflexia, Clonus, Opisthotonos, Stupor, Seizures, Coma, Signs of cardiovascular collapse*

*List of physical problems involved (a to b) have been gathered from James G Linakis, PhD, MD 2007 writings on the web.

Evidently while using Lithium we have to be careful to take care of our body. For people with bipolar disorder this will mean a hard commitment in avoiding over-intoxication and to fight off the sleepiness we feel when taking this drug. Personally I still cannot commit myself to sleep less than 10 hours a day and it is as if I am fighting a sleeping pill. Perhaps a little exercise can help us pill-poppers but excessive exercise in lithium users means more desire for liquids. Overall Lithium cannot be named as our savior but it does help with mood swings.

SAD and Bipolar disorder

2008-01-09T23:14:00.004+02:00

Seasonal Affective Disorder is primarily known as too much sleep caused by the absence of light or day-light and it quite commonly appears among many people during the winter season when days becoming increasingly shorter. Researchers argue that with light therapy, dawn simulation, high-density negative air ionization or antidepressants the symptoms of this condition can be cured. This is particularly a case present in countries of the Northern and Southern hemisphere where occasionally day becomes night. As levels of serotonin and melatonin are altered within our body we tend to sleep more and do not feel awake during the day.

The symptoms of SAD are defined as:

Lack of energy including increased fatigue, an increased need for sleep, and lethargy.
Increased appetite, possible weight gain, and increased cravings for sugar and carbs.
Withdrawal from friends and family, relationship problems, loss of libido, and anxiety.

Problems with focusing or concentrating on various types of tasks or work.
An increase in the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome or PMS, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder which is also called PMDD.
Seasonal depression during Fall and Winter.

Bulletpoints quoted from Tracee Cornforth at verywellmind.com

Although this may seem like a fictitious creation of a condition, manufacturers have designed special light therapy lamps for use around the household. The lamps have a power rating of 10,000 lux so it is advised that one doesn't look directly at them. The lamps have timers so that you can set them 2 hours before the time you should wake up and the cheapest ones cost a little more than 100usd. This may be a healthy investment for those bipolar people who believe that sun deprivation maybe the main reason why they can't wake up in the mornings. Light therapy can last from half an hour to 2 hours so it doesn't really impact electricity bills. Turning on all the lights may be even more expensive. Yet I am a firm believer that sunlight is definitely beneficial to the soul and an investment into a light therapy lamp sounds like good money worth spent.

Bipolar New Year's Resolution

2007-12-29T23:57:00.000+02:00

We Bipolar Polar Bears cannot drink alcohol at Christmas but we can drink Coca-Cola. Some of you may prefer Pepsi, Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper yet why not make it even better by partying with the penguins. Most of us are depressed two thirds of the time. However there are many people around us. If you don't have friends then why not your family. New Year is the perfect time to celebrate our odd characteristics and the many years we have possessed them. Yes we maybe depressed but it is now time to look forward. From now on we should be looking to mingle together with the penguins rather than watching them from afar. The first step begins on New Year's eve and with our non-alcoholic beverages in our hands, we should make a New Year's Resolution that we should all do the best we can to get better. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Polar Bears.

Bipolar polar Bear

2007-12-18T17:58:00.002+02:00

Bipolar people sometimes party and other times they may just be plain depressed. It is quite daunting for us bipolar people when we arrive back home or end up in a friend's house after a night of hardcore partying. Not only have we spent incredible amounts of money but we have been in places and done things that we may regret later on. The manic frenzy is an incredible one and we all enjoy it at these times. However medication is designed to control such desires.

Bipolar people like to party hard and it is difficult to become just normal like average Joe. Indeed we can't party every night but when we do, I believe it is important that we allow some more time to recover. After a night out we won't necessarily be depressed but we must be prepared. It is important that we enjoy life as a whole rather than just the manic moments. As long as we can feel emotions we will be alright. I think it takes a major crisis to hit major depression. So those people just need to work on their past issues and look forward. Be hopeful, you will be okay.

The bipolar bear below is a representation of the generalized version of us young bipolar people. He is partying then gradually gets depressed. Towards the end it's quite touching.

Two weeks in Ankara

2007-12-11T19:23:00.000+02:00

Tommorow I will be going to my home town Ankara. This place is like the Boondocks for me but that's where I came from. Although this is the second largest city in Turkey there is not much to do but visit my friends. I will post funny videos, songs or other miscellaneous items concerning bipolarity.

Ankara is home to the parliament and the tomb of Mustafa Kemal Atatürk yet this town has many more deep memories for me. I am going there in an attempt to find clarity to my life, learn about other people and to meet old friends. The Christmas season has arrived, however blogging does not stop.

Smoking and Depression

2007-12-09T18:25:00.003+02:00

It is evident that among many people with depressive disorders there is a tendency to smoke cigarettes when we are stressed out. Some of us have been able to put a stop to this addictive habit and decided to eat more instead. Some have the unique ability to control their diet and live healthily by exercising. As we get older there is a tendency to want to live a happy life, free of lung and heart failures. In Europe and North America smoking is now being reinforced as something that we should frown on because everybody should enjoy life. Yet when people are suffering from a depressive episode it is hard to be optimistic.

When we are depressed most of us fall victim to the addictive attributes of nicotine because we adopt some sort of a death wish. We don't care what happens to our body and we enjoy damaging ourselves. Although we may moan to others that we can control this dirty habit, in reality we enjoy smoking. Yet smoking is not something we can hide as its smell reeks on our clothes, the environment and on our breath. Being depressed is something we can usually hide but if somebody asks us why we smoke, we usually reply because we want to. As such smokers can only tolerate each other but in many cases non-smokers cannot tolerate smokers. We all try to quit smoking at some point in our lives and sometimes we are successful, but most times we are unable to quit because we are either overwhelmed by stress or depression. As such we smokers have decided that it is not worth living to the full extent.

It is well known by all bipolar people that there is a dark desire within us to commit suicide and end all of our problems. Yet this is mostly caused when bipolar people do not take their medication. "In the 1940s, before the advent of modern medicine, more than 40% of people with Bipolar eventually committed suicide." Yet smoking seems to be a way of killing ourselves slowly and insidiously. Most of the time we may be unaware of what we are doing to ourselves but maybe this is how we carry out our death wish. Of course there are other reasons unrelated to such a 'cunning' plan.

Other reasons may also include the plain fact that we are restricted in ways of intaking harmful substances. For example medications prohibit the intake of alcohol. We maybe placed in situations such as Christmas where everyone around us is drinking alcohol and we must rely on our resolute self-will. Some may quit smoking and then fall victim to a nicotine craving. The reasons are plentiful but most people smoke a cigarette either to gain pleasure or because of a dark unknown secret.

Smoking is most certainly harmful and not something that should be encouraged but it seems to give some of us the feeling that we are powerful. We can huddle together in smoking rooms and see other people who partake in this very same habit. In a sense we are like outlaws because of the stigma against smoking cigarettes. In Turkey the laws are much more lax than in Europe or the U.S. The better brands are the American ones (Marlboro, Camel, Parliament) and they were mostly encouraged through Americanisation during the 90's. We cannot blame the U.S for encouraging their brands but nevertheless more people are discouraged from smoking through tougher legislation. Think twice before smoking and remember that we reap what we sow.

Subservient anger in Bipolarity

2007-12-07T20:15:00.002+02:00

When we are bipolar we find that we have to deal with a lot of anger. In the case of bipolar people anger can be related to anything at all. Some people express their anger by breaking objects around them or shouting at the people surrounding them. Others hit people when they are angry. Many bipolar people name these moments as the manic episodes of their illness. They have great difficulty controlling their anger and they need a therapist to cure them of this tendency. But I want to focus more on the bipolar person with suppressed anger.

The bipolar person with suppressed anger can control his/her emotions, hence he/she may feel angry but he/she will never engage in provocative or violent behaviour. When they are angry they will sleep for hours on end, they will mutter curse words at random occasions or they will act like they are oblivious to everything. There are many reasons for getting angry at something but for people who are bipolar, the main reason is the way people treat them. The world is a place full of injustice and misfortune for the bipolar mind. On top of all this nobody wants to listen to what bipolar people are saying. Sometimes however everybody listens to what the bipolar person is saying but there is never a balance when you are walking the tightrope of medication. We then get angry at our psychiatrists because we fall off the tightrope occasionally. Sometimes doctors prescribe us the wrong medication so evidently, we are angry at a lot of things. Yet suppressed anger never seems to get us anywhere and we, therefore, become subservient to other people.

Subservient people always agree to offers made to them and get into awkward situations. After we have experienced it we realise that we should not make the same mistake again and then life will be on track again. We have to avoid being subservient and let our anger rip in a more formative manner. Instead of shouting during disturbing situations, we can discuss assertively. From a pragmatic point of view, we must learn to reject malicious offers and think logically from experience. Yet it is at times the will to experience life that causes us to get ourselves into such situations. Instead of hitting and breaking, we can think before taking action. This way we can avoid situations where we are subservient to others and our anger can be released slowly. Even getting a punching bag is a good idea. Talking to someone calmer than us can also relieve our anger. Writing can also relieve anger.

It is evident therefore that people with suppressed anger have to fight against manipulation and people with serious anger management issues need to attend sessions with a therapist. Both types of people need full attention but a therapist is always essential. People subject to subservient anger can be in danger. Some people can be incredibly twisted and manipulative in this day and age and even though we may be angry at them, we can let them manipulate us without being aware of the big picture. I was subject to a lot of manipulation but have survived today thanks to the people that supported me. It is essential to create a network of people around you that do not have malicious intent. Below is a video of an Anger Management class with Jack Nicholson. Adam Sandler is the victim of suppressed anger whose therapist believes that singing is a good way to release anger.

Bipolar disorder and Swimming

2007-12-05T22:14:00.003+02:00

Many of us affected by bipolar disorder also suffer from a high degree of anxiety. To deal with this anxiety people have found different ways to treat this emotion. Some people find peace by staying at home and only traveling through places that are considered safe. Other people find reading books, practicing yoga or partaking in household duties within their own homes. When we are depressed we must make use of our time by staying within a peaceful environment. All such activities prepare for the times when our patience and strength is reckoned with.

When we are severely depressed we may sometimes feel that activities that we once found enjoyable are now mundane. But this is fine because we can then just lie down and curse the world in peace. If we have a person to support us when we are awake, we can release this anger without hurting any of our emotions. If we do not have someone with us it may help to buy a punch-bag. It is good to find a therapist that is located in the safe part of the city. However some people may not have the financial opportunities to find a therapist in a considerably safe area so therefore I advise that you take somebody with you. Fast recovery can only be fast if you are with someone you trust and if you expose yourself to the outside world. When it all comes down to it, we are alone and we must not forget that we have to learn how to deal with spheres other than our own.

Learning to deal with the outside world is like learning how to swim in the deep end of the swimming pool. We first gather our strength in the shallow end, then move to the deep-end by holding onto the sides and then we start swimming. Why, we might even be able to dive to the bottom later on. What I am trying to imply is that in a swimming pool everything is controlled and safe-checked. We have our family or friends waiting on the sides making sure that we don't drown and we have complete trust in them. Once we decide to go to the beach and swim in the sea that is when we are most challenged.

Going to the beach for the bipolar person is like trying to handle their own business in the real world. As we begin to head towards the deep-end of the sea, the waves constantly push us back but we have to stand firm and take the impact without falling over. We feel cold but the sea forces us to walk slowly. Just like being in the sea, in life people try to push us back into depression but our family and friends will always be waiting on the beach watching us. Sometimes we have to step on stones but we have to move our feet off them as quickly as possible. Every sea is different of course but it all depends on how safe you want to be. At this stage we just let ourselves float in the water and swim a little without fear for our own life.

Coming back to traveling in safe areas and choosing a therapist in a safe location we must be aware of the currents and potential whirlpools. Life is like swimming in the sea and we have to choose the parts where we feel we can swim without fear. Bipolar people prefer to swim in shallow waters where the currents are smooth and safe. However some people handle these waters differently. Some like to surf in highly dangerous areas, others surf in moderately dangerous areas. Surfers are like the CEOs of the real world as they are constantly challenging and experimenting with the way of nature (life).

I have tried to explain a metaphor for the way bipolar people and many others can perceive life like swimming in the water. Not everyone can swim, but they can learn quite easily. Choose your waters wisely. Don't dive in the ocean before swimming in the pool.

Manic Depression, Identity and Robert Barone

2007-12-04T01:38:00.000+02:00

One of the most difficult aspects for people affected by bipolar disorder is the issue of identity. No doubt there are also people who have not been diagnosed with an illness who also feel alienation within society. Such is the case with Robert Barone in 'Everybody Loves Raymond.' With people who are bipolar, progressive or sudden ups and downs mean that nobody knows where they stand. Most bipolar people are depressed two-thirds of the time which means that they can often be misdiagnosed as depressive. While bipolar people strive for the manic episodes, so that they can party, create or converse with others, other times they are labeled as outright depressed. As a result bipolar people are constantly forced to restrain themselves from talking about their condition.

Especially at times when we are discovering about the illness and all we think about is whether are we up or down, we have to step back and think about other interests that are completely different. It seems that we can only mention our disorder at times when we are not in a non-bipolar group. But being in a bipolar group would definitely be interesting. When we are together with people who we know are bipolar, we feel much more comfortable and we can identify with them. Our best of friends are usually those people who can listen to our drama one-on-one rather than those who speak within a group. Topics of discussion vary with each person but since childhood we are usually the outsiders.

We are all outsiders like Robert Barone's character in 'Everybody Loves Raymond.' We are outsiders because we cannot identify ourselves to a specific tradition. When viewed from the perspective of a sitcom, Robert Barone is funny. We laugh at how he is always second-best to Raymond and how he never gets what he wants. The minute he gets some attention he perks up and he is happy but other times he always feels neglected. In real life we would not laugh at Robert at all. I am not suggesting that Robert is bipolar but he certainly has issues with who his friends are and who to identify with. The video below shows the first time Robert has ever been to a club. He feels a bit alienated being in a club where he is the only white person but he then starts to feel he is part of the group. The next video shows how Robert starts speaking like a black person and how he asks Raymond why his cop partner (who is a black female) has invited him to a meal alone.

We can conclude then that even though we search for an identity, we are never able to find the right one. Robert finally realizes that he cannot be black but makes it clear that he will always be searching for an identity. It is tough to identify with a specific culture and it is difficult to let our emotions spill. We have to be hard on the outside despite being fragile on the inside. But we also have to pick and choose who we converse with. Being bipolar means we have two identities and we have to work with both of them. Full recovery would mean that we could handle both sides. As long as we attempt to manage our moods, we will not suffer difficulty in life.

A Bipolar Christmas In Istanbul

2007-12-01T15:38:00.002+02:00

The first of December has arrived and we only have twenty-three days left until Christmas Day. Everyone around the whole world will gather together with their family and celebrate this occasion. This festival is neither the triumph of Christianity, nor of the pagans who first created it. It is only a moment in time when we can all be together with our family or friends. In Turkey most people celebrate New Year's Eve as a festival as do most non-Christian countries. Christian countries begin to celebrate Christmas much earlier and based on the writings of the New Testament. I have never been truly religious myself but I first found renewed belief in the celebration of Christmas after my first psychosis.

After a major psychosis and a subsequent depressive episode I felt lonely, lost and abandoned but I found refuge with my family. My mother was brought up as a Roman-Catholic which meant that she always made sure that as a family we always celebrated Easter and the three days of Christmas. Ironically my father had died the day before Christmas Eve so although there was a memorial service, Father Christmas sent our presents to a back-room. We were oblivious of my real father's death at the time and everything just seemed normal at that age. Later on I realized that Santa Claus was a myth and I started to believe that Christmas time was just a season to promote commercialism.

Christmas time was fake, trickery and an excuse to drink gallons of alcohol. I did not mind drinking alcohol but as a result I always felt depressed on Boxing Day. I was upset about the gifts because they were bought with money we did not have and I was afraid that like everybody else we would end up in debt. On top of that I did not practice any particular religion. I have and I always will believe in God but I never saw the practicality in adopting a religion full-time.

Christmas time is a time when the family can see each other and talk about ongoing issues in their life. I feel that because people who are bipolar constantly go through some crisis in their life, a family should always be there to support them. Families want to see their younger generation grow and become self-sufficient. Of course some families are possessive and are always restraining the independence of their younger ones. Either way I believe that people affected by bipolar disorder need the support of their family and Christmas time is when we celebrate that support.

Overall I wait with great anticipation to open my presents and to be together with my family. I am full of Christmas spirit and I am now happy that I can show my family a new and improved Memo. I have tried to be good this year and I have stopped all my bad habits. Maybe Santa will bring you presents too for your effort to become healthier. Nevertheless we can all rejoice in this season with our family despite all the negative propaganda against it. This festival brings us happiness and warmth. Which makes it worth celebrating don't you think?

What I learned about Bipolar Disorder from my Therapist.

2007-11-29T21:37:00.001+02:00

At last I have finally managed to begin a route towards responsibility because now I have everything I need. I've got a positive therapist who is always there when I need her. I've got all the necessary details that I need to give to the company I applied to for a job and I have realized that I am full of optimism. I am ready to take on new projects such as dubbing for a new cartoon that is soon to be released. The hardest part of this week has been undoubtedly looking after my dog. Although I have spoken optimistically in previous posts I think that learning responsibility is a slow process and I am happy to share my experience with all of you.

Looking after a dog is like looking after a child and no one can look after a child better than their mother. My therapist told me today that when children grow up, they start looking after themselves and I think that was what was primarily holding me back from getting a job. I was not only being the man of the house but I was also being the woman of the house as well because when it came to it, I had to clean up the entire house. Of course sis, you are too young to understand the meaning of all this, but we still love you. After all what would it be like if we could not be young. We both thought that it would be better if the house was clean before my mother arrived but oh well! Its the thought that counts.

I have realized that since going to the therapist I have slowly learned to detach myself from my illogical and abrupt emotions. I think more logically in comparison to normal but I still feel that I must restrain myself from acting out strange emotions. I know that this is difficult for many people affected by bipolar disorder and I think it is something we all need to work on. Through therapy I was able to learn that I am not alone in my illness. There are many people experiencing the same emotions and consequently the same events. Together with research, I have found that anything can be solved. I say this because when I was suffering from severe depression, I believed that I was alone and that nobody could help me. I didn't phone my friends, I could barely walk across the street and I just wanted to stay away from 'other' people.

My therapist told me that I had to travel by myself to therapy (1 hour journey) and that I would gradually learn how to survive on my own. Eventually I did learn to make friendships, go to entertaining events with them and finally get a job to earn some real money. The process of learning about independence is a slow one but I am optimistic and I feel that I will eventually reach a point where I can sustain my own well being. This may take years or months but it all depends on how much money I earn and whether I can earn enough to be independent. It also means a lot of emotional detachment which is the hardest part considering I only have one parent but we shall see how things evolve. The problem is that we have a lot of abandonment issues in our family and my sister is the only one who seems to have worked round that. It's hard being the only man in the family.

Indeed I have summarized all the things that I need to deal with but nevertheless I am as optimistic as I can be. I am continuing my medication as usual and as my friend camaroman states: "Let's all be friends." Like camaroman and myself, we are all dealing with problems but even with one friend we are much happier. We all need friends and we all need to help each other. I hope that my insights may also help you. Some professionals cannot be trusted that is true but my therapist has always been there for me so far and I believe that she can guide me towards a happier future. If we do not know what is wrong with us, we can never solve it.

Bipolar, Good luck or pure Bad Luck?

2007-11-26T23:08:00.003+02:00

Sometimes I feel that instead of controlling my own destiny, my destiny is controlled by other forces. The pragmatist would argue that I look for other factors (other than my own self-desire) to blame things on. Therefore every illness has a cure and every flaw of personality can be corrected. As you may have read in my blog I have tried to maintain 'sleep hygiene' but despite every attempt to reduce this flaw, I have not been able to even get close. So then I say to the pragmatist is this my own self-desire or am I 'choosing' to sleep? Has my mania faded and my depression come back again? Indeed this depression is not one that I had felt so deeply a year ago but it is lurking around.

I am trying to take a grip on my depression but every time it makes its presence felt and I now know that it is because I am afraid of being left alone. Ever since my father left us, I feel lost when I am left to deal with responsibility. I remember the days of when I was a child and when my uncles told me that I was the "man of the house now" and that I would "save the family." The pragmatist would argue that this all irrelevant and that I should now look to the future because I am not a child anymore. But what about a child's dreams? Dreams that I would save the family and be the man of the house. Most boys were dreaming of becoming astronauts, lawyers, policemen, firemen and CEOs. Of course, everybody diverted into different careers later on but I am still stuck on how I can save the family. Unfortunately, this is just a painful reminder of when my father died and it leads me nowhere because I always feel the weight of this burden.

Most people who have lost a parent at an early age will state that they grew up much faster, so it is always difficult to find good friends who can understand you. My sister doesn't even remember when my father died so she has just been born into a single-parent family and she is as I would describe very pragmatic in her approach to life. Yet another problem was that before my father died, I had hated him and I thought that it was my fault that he had passed away. Every normal boy usually hates their father at a certain age but I lived with that burden until my psychosis occurred.

Most of the time I viewed myself as some kind of martyr where I had to endure pain to give other people happiness. I waited for hours on end for my friends to finally arrive. I served a man (who I hated) with appetizers and let him watch whatever he willed on television. I cleaned up the dishes (when that man ordered me to) and I took the dog for a walk twice a day. If I didn't take the dog for a walk I was punished by this man. Most of my family believe I am exaggerating when I talk about these incidents but I just want to be open. They claim that I was a happy child but I believe that they never saw the darkness that had accumulated inside of me. I was definitely bipolar as a child and with increased hormones this meant that there was rapid cycling to some degree. Yet I do think I was lucky because I could work for endless hours and understand every detail of every text I read (for English class for example) when I was manic.

Nevertheless, I still have a picture of my father hanging on my wall and he watches me as I sleep till the late hours of the day. I reminisce about the times when I was hypo-manic and I believe that even without that state I can keep on writing. When I was in that episode I was trying to find out the basics of this illness. I will continue to follow my dreams of pursuing a freelance career but I must be more pragmatic and learn to overcome this illness. I must also learn to defeat the side effects of my medication and forget about being a martyr. As a wise friend once told me after my first fistfight "Why are you trying to be the martyr?" I will try to help other bipolar people like myself but I can't really save my own family. Somehow I must learn that I am on my own.

Responsibility and Bipolar Disorder

2007-11-24T01:20:00.000+02:00

Being 22 I find myself in a huge dilemma between responsibility and irresponsibility. In the past I have felt that being irresponsible has given me time to think and do whatever I please. I have been a bit of a joyrider by pursuing activities on the internet and sleeping all day long. From now on I must separate work from pleasure and stop being a "bum". My psychosis was only a year and a half ago and I have finally decided that I must pursue more work that is either part-time or freelance. My mania is being controlled by the Seroquel but I do not feel that I am ready to work full-time.

Sometimes when I am at home I feel as though the outside world wants to rip me apart. Of course I love being at home. Hence I feel that I should pursue a part-time or freelance job. When I work for only a couple of hours a day, I'm sure I will be happy. When one earns enough money he/she feels much happier and it's not only the money. When we put effort into creating something or being a part of something, we feel much better. I have learned that I must build a future for myself because otherwise I will stay unemployed for my entire life. I am very much afraid that I am not moving forward and I have to do something. In my case I don't have the money to study a course or study an additional degree etc. so I don't have the means to develop myself. I have to learn how to become used to business life. In the paragraph above I called myself a "bum" because until now I have simply looked for excuses not to work. So instead of complaining about the burdens of responsibility, I have decided to take matters into my own hands and start building up my CV. It was very difficult for me to reach this decision but this article by Madeline Kelly helped me very much in deciding upon this critical issue. A company has already made me an offer. I hope to work for them sooner rather than later.

I found out quite a lot about the company I want to work for and I have heard that they are decent fellows which means that I will be happy working for them even it is a freelance or part-time job. I still feel that this crisis has really shaken me up and I am just recovering so I shouldn't pursue something too demanding. I feel that if I build my career steadily and with as few tragedies as possible, I will be okay. There will probably be a few bumps on the way but I am happy that I can rely on my therapist. As Kelly states "Each time (there are tragedies) you dust yourself off, you add to your knowledge, stamina and wisdom." With this illness we have to be as logical as we possibly can.

Overall I feel that I should search for a part-time or freelance job so that I can build myself slowly. I am living with my family so I think I am much luckier than most. Kelly's article can give us all some good pointers. We all need to learn how to cope with responsibility and we must try to keep positive. It's easier said than done but we all need to 'look on the bright side of life' no matter what or how much pain we endure.

Manic Depression, Jobs, Sleeping and Healing

2007-11-22T14:41:00.002+02:00

Even though my doctor tells me that sleep is beneficial for the mind, I sometimes feel like I am not maintaining regular sleeping patterns. However, when responsibility kicks in I am forced to wake up early in the morning and stay awake till sunset. For this reason alone I am currently seeking employment. It is said that those affected by bipolar disorder must make sure that they sustain "sleep hygiene." When depression kicks in, we sleep for longer hours and this causes us to be late for work. I also use Seroquel which is a balancer and is used mostly to control mania.

Seroquel cures us of irregular sleeping patterns and helps us sleep normally with, more or less, no instances of dreams. I have had a few dreams while using Seroquel for a month now. However, I feel that when I want to change my sleeping patterns to normal, I have to be fairly responsible because lithium must be taken at the ends of long time intervals. Hence I make sure that I set my alarm to the correct time so that I don't die by accident. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that responsibility helps us function in normal everyday society.

Despite this breakthrough, I feel an immense weight on my shoulders that I will not be able to handle the pressure. When I am left alone at home I start to think about survival as there is no one to pick me up if I fall. I have to look after the entire house and my dog who has just had an operation. My dog needs all the caring he can get because he is depressed mainly because he now has a blue lampshade on his head to stop him from clawing at his scars. So I have to stroke him, feed him, make sure he goes for his walks and (guess what) make sure he takes his medications. When he goes for walks people either think he is an alien or they just laugh. So it must be so painful for him.

Despite all this tragedy, a company has made me an offer and I feel I cannot turn this down. At the moment I feel like I'm living like a vampire, where dawn is dusk and dusk is day. These are "easy days" for me many would argue. But I would reply "Yes these are easy days, but I am preparing for harder days." Now that I am being treated for my illness I need to enter the world outside with a fresh and clean mind. I need to continue my trips across the Bosphorus and strolls through the parks. For me, these are the hardest days of my life. I am pulled by this, that and the other. Nowadays a diploma is not good enough for getting a job because you need other diplomas and therefore you need more money. I don't want to complain too much about life because that's boring. But as I stated before I have my projects and I am optimistic about the future.

I have to continue with the medications and therapy with the hope that I will finally become independent. Indeed I may need to sleep now and then but I guess that's my way of healing. I believe that small moments of responsibility are small steps forward and that I shouldn't be attempting great leaps. As time progresses I will learn to overcome my fears of traditional society. I will always be different from the rest but then again everyone is different. I sometimes wonder whether I ever will find another habitat that I am comfortable in. Only time will tell.

Bipolar Disorder in Istanbul

2007-11-20T20:05:00.002+02:00

When diagnosed as bipolar about a year and a half ago, I had found myself situated in the beautiful city of Istanbul. With 15 and a half million people this city makes its claim on several historic sites which can be observed during the travels of normal everyday life. It is also home to the Bosphorus strait which is one of the only locations in the world where the sea passes through land (The Suez Canal is another place in the world where the sea passes directly through the land). As a person diagnosed as bipolar, I find it immensely comforting to look around at the beautiful things around me. The Bosphorus represents the border between the European and the Asian continents and every time I go to my therapist I have to cross from one continent to the other. There is a route across the Bosphorus Bridge but I prefer to take the the more scenic route via the traditional ferries. Food and beverages are served on each ferry and the time to my destination usually takes less than 40 minutes. Time is of the essence in this city but 40 minutes is not a long time when there is so much to see and do.

Before going to the therapist, I love to just sit and watch my surroundings on the ferry. It creates great relaxation before I have to talk about all of the problems or issues in my life. After I have finished my session I rush as quickly as possible to an available minibus packed with only a small amount of people, so that I can board the next ferry back home. Before boarding I can again sip on my tea in a small café next to the Bosphorus and think about what my aim is in life. Even though the city is very big, the fact that there are small cafés with pleasant surroundings means that I feel very much at peace. There are even huge parks in the middle of the European and Asian continents where one can walk amongst the many aging trees and bushes (for example Çamlıca, Göztepe, Dilek Sabancı, Gülhane). As I love being within nature sometimes I feel like I am in another world even though I am very close to home. Of course there is always no place like home but even at home there are moments of frustration. Especially when a bipolar person has to go and obtain their medication.

Walking into a hospital in Istanbul may not be worse that walking into a hospital in Iraq but it most certainly is disconcerting for the bipolar patient. In order to get your medications and your blood/urine tests from a public (U.S interpretation) hospital in Turkey, you have to be very cunning. If you are depressed you most certainly need somebody with a strong will next to you. The public hospital is probably the only place in Turkey where all people of different age, size, class and attitude are forced to mingle together. In Turkey bureaucracy means long queues and waiting times. So as a result there are many people becoming furious over a number of issues. Everybody in the hospital is either complaining about a certain issue or waiting until their doctors finally say they are permitted into the examination room. In the hospital everyone is assigned according to a number. When the doctor announces your number you may enter the examination room. If you are slow, don't be surprised if somebody jumps in front of you. You have to be cunning. Nevertheless your only hope is to rely on those good Samaritans who are willing to support you when the going gets tough. I have heard similar complaints about the NHS from other bloggers. "The NHS exists to treat people with illnesses and I pay for it along with every other person in the country who’s ever worked. Being dissatisfied with your treatment isn’t being ungrateful. It’s widely acknowledged that the NHS is full of flaws and endless government reports are fairly accusatory in regards to standards."

Most times my trips for receiving my medications have always been successful and even though the doctors are not always the happiest chaps on the planet, they give me a prescription nevertheless. Indeed going into a hospital by yourself is daunting but if you have someone beside you, all the chaos just passes by. After I've obtained my medication I have a 6 month stock and everything is better again. I can continue my beautiful trips across the Bosphorus and feel lost within the magical atmosphere of Istanbul. Istanbul is a beautiful city and I guess we have all learned how to live with its bureaucracy.