Thursday Funnies!

Thursday, 24 October 2013

2013-10-24T17:04:00.003+10:30

Straight into joke:

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot! But I can't seem to remember for the life of me what it was called."

"Here, describe it to me. Lets see if I can help," offers Tom.

"Well, he was a big ol' middle aged man," Norman starts, "and he had a whole lotta' cars. Ah! I got it now! His name was.. well, shoot. What was his name? It was a bird of some sort."

"A bird? Like a robin?" "No no, a blue bird. What are those small blue birds, Tom?"

"A bluejay?" suggests Tom.

"Yeah! Jay was his name. Jay Leno. Y'all should try him out sometime."

"Well, you know what Norm. We went and saw ourselves a movie the other night, but darned if I've already forgot the name."

"Come now, Tom, why don't you run it past me? Maybe I'll do some good."

"Yeah, sure," says Tom. "Well... shit, let me see... Okay. What's the name of that flower, a common flower."

"A dandelion?" suggests Norman.

"No no. No it's a red one."

"You mean a tulip?"

"Naw come now, Norm. It's red and gots thorns all over it."

"That'd be a rose, then." "A rose! Yeah, that's what it was, a rose!" exclaims Tom.

He turns over his shoulder and cries,

"HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WE SAW THE OTHER NIGHT?"

Pics, enjoy.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

2013-10-17T14:53:00.001+10:30

Funnies time.

Joke:

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty Euros," she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the cop.

"I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

2013-10-10T09:24:00.001+10:30

Back after an unintentional week off.

Straight into it.

Joke (I apologise in advance):

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,

"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged,

"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20...

but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

2013-09-26T11:29:00.002+09:30

Back from a holiday, just in time for the funnies!

Joke:

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.

"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning." says St. Peter.

Dave is obviously distraught, and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.

"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "there is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid."

Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.

BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says,

"Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?"

"Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny."

"Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!"

So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg! "That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then...

BANG! Dave's wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage.

"For Christ's sake Dave! You've shit the bed again!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

2013-09-19T12:24:00.002+09:30

Funnies time again!

Joke:

An Australian, a Pakistani, and an American are in the hospital waiting room together, all three of their wives about to give birth.

Suddenly, the doctor comes out and says:

"I'm terribly sorry, but we've had a mix up and we don't know which baby is which!"

The men agreed amongst themselves that they'd go and see if they could tell, if they felt a special connection to one, for example.

The Australian entered the room first, and was in there for 15 minutes, before emerging with what was, for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani man's son.

The Pakistani pointed this out immediately. The Australian replied,

"I know, but one of the others is an American, and I'm not taking the risk!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

2013-09-12T12:44:00.000+09:30

Funnies time again!

Joke:

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess the exact day a woman was born, just by feeling her boobs.

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded

"Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

2013-09-05T14:13:00.000+09:30

Sorry, missed a week.

But we're back!

Joke:

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own.

The day he moved in, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,

'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked,

'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

2013-08-22T14:41:00.001+09:30

Straight into it.

Joke:

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for his coffee to be made for him, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question,

"Just how much of sex is "work", and how much of it is "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in, saying 25-75% in favor of work .

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure (depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.)

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded,

"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 15 August 2013

2013-08-15T10:24:00.000+09:30

Back after a week off.

Joke (family friendly this time):

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning.

As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

2013-08-01T09:25:00.001+09:30

First of the month!

No funnies next week, returning in a fortnight.

Joke:

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks,

"Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen for a drink," he replies.

She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?"

The husband says, "Sure."

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?"

He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it."

The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down okay?"

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says,

"Where's my toast?

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

2013-07-25T15:43:00.000+09:30

Here we go again.

Joke:

A man goes to a bar and meets and escort. After talking to her for a bit, he asks her,

"Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

"$50," she says.

"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" he replies.

"Come over here," she says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." he says.

"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." she replies.

The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had. He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says,

"Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

"$500." She says.

"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.

"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.

"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.

"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says. So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life. On the third night, he returns once more.

"Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?" She replies,

"Are you kidding? If I had a pussy I'd own this town!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

2013-07-18T10:36:00.001+09:30

Was sick last week, but back to the funnies.

Joke:

A man and a wife are in bed one night, when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.

"I'm sorry to have woken you up but I was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"

"What!?" replied the man, "you woke me up at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning!"

He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.

"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night." he snapped.

"And you didn't help him?" his wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now."

"Oh alright" he muttered.

He put on his coat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.

Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.

"Hello!? Are you still there?" he shouted.

"I'm over here" a voice called out,

"On the swings."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

2013-07-04T11:05:00.002+09:30

Here we go again, new month, new financial year, new funnies.

Joke:

A man takes his wife and little boy to the circus.

After a while, the dad gets up to get a beer as the ringmaster parades the elephants out.

"Mommy, Mommy! What's that long pointy thing under the elephant's belly!?" the kid asks.

The mom turns red and says, "Oh, that's nothing, dear."

The dad comes back with his beer and sits down next to his boy. Then mom gets up and goes to the washroom.

"Daddy, daddy! What's that long pointy thing under the elephant's belly!?"

"That's the elephants penis." he replies.

"But mom said it was nothing!"

The dad takes a long swig of his beer, pats his boy on the head, and says,

"Son, I've spoiled that woman..."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

2013-06-27T12:41:00.000+09:30

Thursday again. Almost the weekend!

Joke:

At a job interview, a man is asked the usual question,

"What is your biggest weakness?"

The man thinks for a moment, then responds,

"Honesty"

"That's interesting," says the interviewer, "but I don't think that honesty is a weakness."

"Really?" the man says, "Well, I don't give a fuck what you think."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

2013-06-20T10:58:00.001+09:30

Couple of short jokes today:

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's vegan. Then it is through his vagina.

True dat.

I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

I'll show myself out.

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

2013-06-13T10:58:00.000+09:30

Short week, almost over.

Joke:

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says,

"Wow, nice legs!".

She is flattered and replies,

"Really? You think so?"

The man says,

"Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

2013-06-06T10:33:00.001+09:30

Hooray for the long weekend!

Record number of views last month, cheers guys.

Joke:

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady,

"Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, and it is the same man. Again he asks,

"Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

"Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question. I want to see where the bastard is going with it!"

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question,

"Do you have vagina?"

"Yes!" she says, " I do!"

"Good!" the man replies, "Would you mind telling your husband to start using it, and leave my wife's alone!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

2013-05-30T12:06:00.000+09:30

Funnies time.

Joke:

A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said,

"Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."

"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a tidy sum. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."

"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."

Pics, enjoy.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

2013-05-23T11:43:00.000+09:30

Missed last week...was on holiday! Now it's over, so funnies are back.

Joke time:

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.

Onto the funnies. Enjoy.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

2013-05-10T09:38:00.003+09:30

Delayed Thursday today...

Quick joke:

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

As he turned and sneered at me, I thought:

'That's a little condescending'

Funnies. Enjoy.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

2013-05-02T09:40:00.001+09:30

Public Holiday messed me up last week. Back into the swing.

Short, dirty joke to start:

What does a 90 year old woman's vagina taste like?

Depends.

Funnies. Enjoy.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

2013-04-18T10:26:00.001+09:30

Back again for another week. It is actually starting to get cold in the mornings now. I have to wake up and put on the heater! And it is dark when I walk out of work. All seemed to happen so suddenly...

Okay, this week's joke:

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because she is too big for B Shells.

Terrible. One more:

A man stumbles into his house after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.

"I would like some breakfast"

Badass. I like the continuation of that joke too:

After he finally confessed to having a one night stand with another woman, the wife told her husband to leave.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

He sat down, sighed, then said,

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

2013-04-11T10:59:00.000+09:30

So Timbitch wanted my rants to come back. So here we go, what better way to start than douchebag drivers.

What the FUCK is with people on the Expressway. Seriously. I get that the changing of speed limits is annoying and unnecessary, but just deal with it. The speed you need to travel is the fucking big black writing in the big red circle. Is it that hard?

For some reason, people decide that they need to travel 80 in a 60 zone, and all shoot past you. Until you hit the ACTUAL 80 zone, where for some unknown reason everyone decides to drop back to 60! What the hell?! Are all Adelaide drivers just retarded?

Anyway, let's lighten the mood with a joke:

Two mates are chatting at a bar.

One says, "Did your hear the news - Mike died."

"Really? What the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly, and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my fucking house!"

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 4 April 2013

2013-04-04T09:49:00.001+10:30

First post of April...let's do this.

Joke:

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident involving her and her children. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him,

“Where is my son? Is he okay? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, “I’m so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won’t be able to kick a soccer ball any more.”

The woman asks about her daughter. “Doctor, what about my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world.”

The doctor replies, “I'm sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm. She won’t be able to pick up a racket any more.”

She begins to cry. “Doctor,” asks the woman, “how long have I been in this coma?”

The doctor replies, “Six months.”

“So what’s the date?” asks the woman.

“April 1st,” says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh “So you were joking then, weren't you?”

The doctor starts laughing, "Haha yes, you got me. They both died.”

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

2013-03-28T12:45:00.000+10:30

Easter break coming up! Oh yeah.

Joke:

A lady goes to the Doctor for a checkup. The doc notices that she looks horrible and stressed.

"What's wrong?" the doc asks.

"Well," she replies, "my husband has a bad temper and he likes to yell at me."

He looks concerned and says,

"Next time, when he starts to yell, get a bottle of water and swish some in your mouth until he leaves."

So she goes home, and to her demise he starts yelling again. Following doctors orders, she gets her bottle of water and starts swishing. Sure enough, he stops yelling, and leaves the room.

She returns to the doctor to follow up her checkup a couple of weeks later, this time looking happy and refreshed.

"Doctor!" she says "It worked! You must tell me, how did the water help?"

The doctor looks at her and says,

"It's not the water that helped...

it's you keeping your mouth shut."

Pics. Enjoy (another heavy atheist post...ah well).