Mshwari. Jaribu kutolipa uone.

Do you want to take a M-Shwari loan and then not pay? Lol! Me too!!

So, I asked myself, “How about I take an M-Shwari loan. I refuse to pay, despite the fact that I have the scrilla. What will they do.”. I decided to take a M-Shwari loan. KSHS 2k. Just to see how it works.

And the findings were interesting.

Safaricom M-Shwari system operates in both an offensive and defensive manner. As any sane system should. Below is the life-cycle of an M-Shari loan.

1 – Decisioning

This is the stage that M-Shwari decides “how much” it can risk to lend you. Heavy Mpesa/Data/SMS/Voice users get a high rating. Man U fans and beepers get low ratings due to the associated risk.

The decisioning algorithm is fed historical data and by using a custom Bayessian classifier, it rates you as “trusted”, “low-risk”, “medium-risk”, “high-risk” or “Man U”. Something like that. Additionally, there is now the definitive stage where it decides exactly “what range” of loan you can get.

An example algorithm for using a weighted mean of a 4-dimension data matrix [Mpesa/Data/SMS/Voice] to decide on your fate can be found here :: Decision Tree. Ofcourse, the link above is for techies. Graphic designers na wasee wa CSS msi-click.

2 – Follow-up

Then 2-weeks to your payment due date reach. You get an SMS. Pay in 2 weeks. Pay in One week. Pay tomorrow. etc. The day reaches. Your Mshwari loan is penalized. You owed 2075. You now owe 2150. Pay up!!

3 – Punitive

2 Months pass. You have not paid. Unadhani Safaricom ni mamako. Ati wewe ni beste wa Bob. Shock on you. Safaricom deactivates your Bonga Points and You can no longer use Okoa Jahazi. Till you pay.

At this point, I thought I should pay. But since I don’t use those 2 that much, I decided to “wait and see” what they will do. Kwani watakuja Ngond Road waweke road block?

4 – Collection

So, at 7am, you receive a phone call. Don’t forget Safaricom knows where you live. But that is not the information they use to get you. They have your Names and ID number. They give you upto 4PM that day to settle in full, ama your details get forwarded to the CRB.

For those 2 Arsenal fans and 2143899 Man Urinals fans who don’t know what CRB means, here is a primer.

CRB (Credit Ratings/Reference Bureau) is a shared list amongst institutions that blacklist defaulters. If you EVER get to that list, you will never get a loan/credit from ANY financial institution in Kenya for 7 years.

Nikaenda Mpesa – M-Shwari – Loan – Pay Loan – KSHS 2300. Nikalipa excess. Hiyo story ikaisha.

5 – Restoration

All services get restored. BongaPoints etc.

What about this pool thing, Salim?

Well, the list was out for all to see. The top 16 players in Kenya. After a grueling 3 months that saw over 8000 of players, wannabes play, it came down to the Finals at K1. May 4th.

The best 16 pool players in Kenya in 2013

Top players like Rahim, Salim and were eliminated in round 1. We could blame fatigue, the price of condoms in Sri Lanka etc. But the fact was that in the finals, you can only afford to make ZERO mistakes. We all made one. And one was enough.

For the final game for KSHS 250, 000 Martin Mwangi (Marto) faced Dennis Kimani on a Gentleman’s deal that the winner gets 150k, and the loser 100k. Marto won and took all the money leaving Denno with Zero. Dampened the night.

But all in all, Kudos to Pilsner for the chance and the event.

Back to hustle.

Huyu amenguka juu hajui ku-fly. Mimi sitaanguka.

Ok, a disclaimer/warning as always. This is another one of my hard-hitting posts. Yeah. Like I have any boot-licking pussy posts up in this mofo?

Not a “feel-good” blog post about how far we have come and how “good things will be in 3 years”. If you do not want to ruin your day with some facts and truths, I suggest you read something more palatable.

Moving on.

We come from a society where we blindly believe that we can be anything. Despite all our misgivings. Yeah. I want to see a boy born in Kibera become the president. I want to see just ANYONE apply for and getting funding from the ICT Board. I would like to see just a RANDOM person get elected a chair of any board in Kenya. Or the CEO of Safaricom.

It is not uncommon to see people belittling “what it takes”. You see a person in their Range Sport or Bentley and say “give me 5 years”. You see someone fluent in code and just churning out solutions and you say, “give me 6 months”. Wait!! SevenSeas have bought an office park on Riverside? Even me. Give me 3 years.

Please. STFU!

I think we are technically, mentally, culturally and politically inclined to NEVER realize the dream of creating a replica of “The Silicon Savannah”.

Technically

“I am no expert. Unless you think I am. You could be right. But I can bet you ain’t”, I always tell people. Slow down!! We are so desperate to call one of our own an EXPERT, and fill the “technology section” on the weekly news, that a simple app on the news gives one these undeserving titles.

Google has the masters of C. The AUTHOR of Python and an army of coders. Not hello-world masters we invite in conferences here. Hard-core gurus. As at 2008-09-02, Google Chrome alone was being worked on by 42 coders.

Man-power is there.

In Kenya, I cannot mention more than 15 coders who understand how the C compiler or how the JVM works. Deeply. Who have mastered ONE language so well, then can create ANY pertinent system in it. And you still think you can code?

All I see are VB/.NET/F# “gurus” whose best work is downloading some code online and punctuating the comments, then changing a variable name.

We do not have the ARMY for such a war. Everyone wants to be a General. We have no foot soldiers. Until we have enough soldiers and fewer prima-donna copy-pasterammers, we should not take part in this march. We will just embarrass ourselves. And Uganda.

Mentally

42 developers working on Chrome. in 2008. Yes. And NOT ONE was irreplaceable  And NOT ONE was has their name on the “About” page. In a culture of “whose deeq is bigger”, we have never outgrown this issue. In the last 6 months have I been called not less then 2 times to “salvage a project” because the lead programmer “got fed up and left with the DB schema and server password”.

In Kenya, programmers are Gods. In the SV, programmers are servants. Implementers.

Culturally

We have a PHD culture. “Pull Him/Her Down”. We see it everywhere. From Bishop Magua turning from a Technology hub, to a TekeKnowlogy hub where politically incorrect shop owners get kicked out, teke, to create more idle space. We are not using what we have, fully, but we want THEIRS!

The me-tooism is also a problem. There is NOT a single fully-working and mass-use solution for Farmers. And yet we have over 10 “Mobile Solutions for Farmers”. We seem to enjoy the journey and the camera flashes so much, we don’t complete the race. A few visitors from some university and a few journalist interviews and young coders forget what they are. Young coders.

We are happy to have 2000 users on each of our 10 systems. Not build one with 20,000 users. Call it premature codejaculation.

Unless you are buying a house or a lorry, no bank will still give you a loan to “do the next skype”. Good luck on winning the grants also. Funding? Do you have a mlami partner? No? Woiyee pole.

Politically

Nationwide Wifi. Makes me smile. With all the 2.5M+ Android phones in Kenya, here is nothing stopping a team of free-spirited enthusiast and experimentalists  from creating a secure SimCard-less VPN network where all the calls are over WiFi and, yes, FREE. Free Calls. Free Texts.

But Noo!! The government will not let this happen. Not when they own 40% of some Telco. Low Data-transmission-rates. Router-Induced congestion. QOS degradation. Name it. Another noble solution will tank

In Conclusion

We don’t respect rice. We fry it. Since eggs can be fried. We forget rice needs some more time. To simmer and soften. And then we complain that the frying pan is spoilt.

Avoid group think. Be VERY VERY good in one thing. And grade yourself against the world’s best. Not twitter noisemakers. The better you are in code, the less time you take on a project. The faster you get paid and move on. Learn something new everyday. Google shamelessly. Just not frequently. Read books. Be soldier 1 of 10000. Kenya needs 10000.

Back to code.

Wazi.

A system let down by humans

IEBC this. IEBC that. let us put some things into perspective.

In my article in the #140Friday blog, I talked about a few issues in the government systems. I have delayed this blog post to today, from the promised 7th of March, after I was released from prison in the 5th of March.

I have to reiterate that I was not jailed for ANY connections or suspected connections with any IT crimes. I am too sleek for that.

The delay was due to the fact that alot of cooks and watchmen, sensing the public need for an explanation, had started filling the blogosphere with articles and “technical explanations” as to what happened, to get reads and some ad-clicks.

For the patient one, here is an article (from the master) explaining the following:

• What happened.
• How it happened.
• How do we make sure it NEVER happens again.

“What happened, Salim?” You ask!

There are 2 theories.

One talking about SQL Injection in the server, where un-sanitized data entered the Database, thus multiplying the rejected votes by 8. A possibility. IEBC had hired at least 3 of the sickest hackers I know in Kenya to monitor the system. They are masters in the Network and Transport level security. I cannot think of one hardened application-level and server-level hacker/admin who was hired.

How it happened.

Possible fail-points

Server Specs

The other one was more credible. Talked about what I thought the problem was. I will address this in more detail. But let us get some perspective.

1. The IEBC hardware arsenal had 339 servers.
2. They had 33, 000 mobile phones.
3. There were 26, 000 users logged on (Laptops, mobile etc)
4. The server has over 20 CPUS, had 128 GB Ram and 18 TB Hard Disk space.

Disk space

With a voting population of just 12 Million people, if EVERYONE had voted, the approximate mathematics would be like this:

• Data for the 6 candidates (Names, Designation (President, Governor etc), Voter details) per voter would not possibly exceed 240 bytes.
• 12 Million people (if everyone voted) would generate uncompressed plain-text data of 2.682209015 GB
• This data would just fill 0.000145519 % of the hard-disks that IEBC had.
• If EIBC was to get fancier and SCAN all the voter documents for digital storage at at least 600DPI, the 12, 000, 000 voters’ documents would eat up an extra 20.6 TB of space, since the average size of each PNG would be 300KB. 2 servers would comfortably handle this data.

Network IO

Safaricom guaranteed 99.9% uptime but recorded  100% uptime in all VPN links. The average data per transmission could not possibly exceed 240 bytes, so with the 3, 000 MBPS pipes that safaricom had, the MOST they recorded from IEBC was 3.5 MBPS. A 0.001166667% load. So there was NO congestion.

So, hardware was not an issue. Space was not the issue. 3 of these super-servers could comfortable run an election of 20M people. Transmission was NOT the issue. Safaricom gave a 10-lane high-way, but only 3 bicycles passed.

With the above, I will, therefore, stand infront of intelligent men and women and say that the IEBC failure should NOT condemn the Kenyan tech scene. What we witnessed is a clear case of a boy being given a man’s job.

IEBC opted to use MySQL, a database that has been tried and tested. But this proved to be the Achilles heel. The database can be configured to create log files (a report of everything that is happening). There are various log levels, the noisiest of which is the “debug level”. This means that once you create a database setup whose log-level is set to “debug”, the directory/folder you have specified as the “location” of the log files has the possibility of getting filled up quickly.

The IEBC team setup the MySQL server to store logs in a special folder called “/var” in Linux. Loosely think of this as creating a drive “v:\” in windows. Now, the knowledge that you will generate a possible MAX of 2 GB of data from the entire country, would have told any sysadmin worth his weight in salt, that the “/var” needed at least 20 GB of space (approximates). IEBC allocated LESS space. Tones of space remains idle on the server disks.

So the “/var” was full. A new record would come in to the Db, the DB tries to log it, chokes and does something we call a “server panic”. Crashes. Record lost. Restarts. Record comes in. Maybe 2000 records per second. MySQL Crashes. And the cycle continues.

Confidence is lost. People panic! All because the “living room” of the server could ONLY accommodate a stool. While the other rooms, where no living furniture is kept, have LOTS of space.

Think of it as going out with KSHS 10k, and you get a bill of KSHS 12k. And you have no ATM, Mpesa or someone to call. You chonga-viazi, painfully knowing that you have 2M in your mattress at home. Sad.

Way forward?

It is very simple. At least to me. First IEBC should sell the 336 servers. They are a waste of space and power. We just need 3. Better still, donate one server per county for a national-wide super-computer grid that I will happily setup. Sweet. IEBC will still have 46 servers to operate on.

The real solution is the same solution I always propose to other problems. Acceptance. If the IEBC Sysadmin had accepted the fact that they have NEVER configured a MySQL server to server a system as big as this one, we would have had a president by now. No doubt would have been created. Just because you have driven a Vitz, don’t assume you can drive a 18-wheeler. Database si database!

IEBC should hire the seasoned minds. Most of who, sadly, would NEVER send their CVs to IEBC. it is upto them to head-hunt. I could recommend a few.

CREDITS

140 Friday Article

IEBC Tech Blog

IEBC tech blog article on failure

Close Sources**

Back to code.

Wazi

It was all like a dream

310pm. It was a warm Thursday afternoon that I decided to shut down Faustina (My Samsung Ultrabook). I had been coding for over 4 hours straight. The much anticipated AngryKenyans game was coming up OK. But the perfectionist in me kept on delaying any tweets or releases about the game.

I did not like the UX in the game from my Lab. And Sue, my favorite designer, was still to send me the latest splash-screen image. So, my fans were kept waiting. But my mind was tired. I needed to run to Qz for a training session, as a member of the National Pool League. I did a last-time sync on my S2 using the Nailab Wi-fi, Dropboxed all my data and then rushed to my parking spot at the basement where my sweet Henrietta was parked. My phone buzzed. New Email from Safaricom HR.

Hmmmn. What have I done this time? I read, carefully.

“Dear Mr Idd Salim,

Welcome to Safaricom.

We are pleased to announce that after a rigorous month of interviews and profile checks, you are our choice for the Head of Innovations at Safaricom. You will have a 3 months probation in this new role starting Monday.

Kindly report to the HQ at 8am to finalize the working contract.”

I could not move for 5 minutes. OMG!! This was really happening. Finally. This was good news. No. Good news is being told that your elec bill is 200 bob. This was HUGE news. Everything I had preached about on my “what Safaricom should do” was now flat on my desk. “Do it yourself, now that you got the power.”, the Kenyan tech scene sang to me in unison. In my mind.

I had a polite weekend. Got about making sure I had “official clothes” and shoes. Those jeans I used to wear to iHub (when I used to go there) and Nailab, would now be tucked away in a box. Only to see the sun over the weekends.

Monday : 9am
Reached the HQ at Waiyaki. Was welcomed by the Head of HR and shown to my desk on the 4th Floor. After 2 hours of orientation and briefing, I finally settled. This is my first day. I needed to hit the ground running.

Setting the base:
So, I went through my long list of the things I would have wished to do. I finally had the chance. I chose 3 of the “10 things I would happily die after doing”.

1 – Aggregated URL-Based Data Revenue Sharing
Safaricom have always been adamant to share Data revenue with developers. This is mainly blamed on bundles and differing rates of data due to different data plans. Ofcourse, this has directly led to Kenyan developers not being as innovative as they could be. BuniTV and the like were making GBs of local content per day. But still never got a dime. I decided to sort this out.

My solution was simple. There was need for Safaricom to maximize revenue on data. There was also the need for the developers to get paid for their data apps. I created a CDN on the Safaricom cloud and called it DataMint. DataMint’s purpose was to aggregate all mobile data streams from all developers, to one SINGLE entry point for easy accounting.

So, every developer just needed a unique APP ID which is used to fingerprint their data streams.

For example Developer ABC, with the fingerprint AABCCDDEFF, who wants to serve a video content “abcd.3gp” will just need to pass this to DataMint e.g. datamint.safaricom.co.ke/AABCCDDEFF/abcd.3gp. Simple. Then, each developer had a web interface from which they could see their earnings in real-time. All payments were made on-demand and were payable via Mpesa and EFT.

All the data rates on the DataMint were discounted, to encourage more data consumption.

In terms of billing, All data that passes through the DataMint will be accounted for in the following model:

1. All data charged outside bundles – at KSHS 8 per MB – Revenue Shared 45:55 at the favor of Safaricom.
2. All data charged on the 10MB for 8 Bob daily Bundle – The 8 shillings Shared 45:55 at the favor of Safaricom for each 10 MB. If the time expires before the 10MB is done, since the money is already charged, the revenue shares remain as above.
3. The other data bundles follow the model above

2 – Open USSD Platform

The amount of money made by SMS campaigns is astonishing. This is from a population largely describes as “illiterate”. Not suprising, a big percentage of SMS revenue is made “accidentally”. Someone requesting that song by Kidum K1234, most of the time will get that song by Kiyapi K11234. This is due to user error. And errors are always billed.

The industry would rather bill you alot ONCE on error, and kill your confidence in the system, rather than bill you accurately in little bits for a long time. Now, opening USSD to the public the same way SMS is open, would have untold applications.

Accurate data requests even by the most illiterate people. Useful apps. Opinion polls from more that the 1000 Kenyans that IpsoSynnovate can reach. Endless

3 – 13Apps App Store

“Salim, how do our Apps get noticed?”, came an email from a coder. I adopted a walled-garden model. We have over 900k Android devices in Kenya and over 6M Java Data devices. My aim was to support and guide local developers on the PROPER development of SCALABLE apps.

Not 100 apps. Not 1000 apps. Just 13 apps. Just 13 quality apps

The aim was to create such a setup within Safaricom that, No Kenyan apps were put on GooglePlay. No Kenyan Apps were put on the OVI Store. The 13 Apps were hosted on DataMint AppStore

The Apps needed to have the following featuresets:

1. Can attract usage from at least 30% of the Android and Java phones. – USP
2. Can attract usage from a user at least 3 times a week. – Addictive
3. Can generate residual data/SMS traffic per use. – Monetizable

Inviting the techies:
So, every 2 weeks, we held hackathons. Alternating between iHub, Nailab and 88MPH. My mandate was simple. Oversee the development of the BEST apps in terms of design, UX, network usage and revenue inclusion. As a seasoned coder and server admin, I brought alot to the table.

Ofcourse, I personally did QA and code-checks, made sure the code was writen well, did DB checks and optimization with the coders to make sure the app ran as well with 1,000,000 people, like it would with 100 people.

Apps were created and they conformed to all the users wanted. A light, nice-looking, never-crashing, functional app with an inbuilt user-stickability incentive and a solid and residual revenue model.

6 weeks later
In my office now. Moved from the desk. Chilling coz i’m thrilling. Sipping something cool while thinking about pool. Looking at the 48 Inch Samsung TV screen that notified me on serious and critical KPI metrics like user fatigue, revenue drops and surges to help me strategize.

The data numbers started rising. The developers were all now singing “Naafurahiaaa…. Niko na Mfuko imefura”. Kenya was now on the tech-map for Africa. As what it could be. We no longer had google-maps clients as our “biggest talk-points”. We had REAL systems. A Kenyan Skype, over a vLan. SuperComputer powered sentiment analysis tools.

All bliss. Just before Musyoka, my errands attendant, came to my office and announced that we were having a fire drill. Loudly, the siren rang. Just 2 minutes before I came back to my senses. In my bed. Then realized it was no Siren. I was rudely awakened by my S3 Alarm. My God! It was only a DREAM!

A good dream of what could have been. A bad reality of what isn’t. Rushed to the shower and prepared myself for another day of self-enlightenment and self-challenging in code and data models at the Lab.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Sema kitu uone.

And so the blog post came. The iHub cluster is alive. She purrs. We are going to do great things with the awesome power of the nodes. It was meant to be, initially, a research project that would, eventually have a self-sustenance model.

And the revenue potential for the cluster was immense. Given time and support.

Google MFWIC, Eric Schmidt came in and he said: “This is exactly how we do our clusters”. I was flattered. I have built, by hand, in 4 days, Africa’s first Ati-GPU SuperComputer cluster north of Limpompo.

But then that is as much as it amounted to.

The next day, I was called to a meeting.

And this was the news:

“Salim, the funding that Google gave for the cluster has gotten depleted. We can no longer cover the cluster’s admin costs and unless you will work for free, we are putting the project on hold. Also, unless it is profitable by March, 2013, it will be shut down.”

I was inundated in utter melancholy. WHY!!??

So, as far as I am concerned, the project has been halted. Not for lack of resources. Ohh no. Not for lack of potential. No. But for what I see as clear lack of goodwill and BELIEF that the cluster will amount to something.

I am described as opinionated. Pithy. Blunt. So here we go again.

I will share the Locus Standi, and if it seems like Salim (The non-conformist rebel) is ranting, then please stop reading, so that you don’t do a Mbwana on me and refuse to share a lift with me. Ahem!

The cluster was my idea. The working super-computer was the work of my hands. I did the proposal and got the funding from google. Also, I would like to believe that the idea of the “cluster” added weight to the joint-proposal sent to Google by iHub for funding.

Now, I have no problem working for free. I have been doing this for a great part of my life. I have lived a life where I do all the work, and other people get all the plaudits and all the money. So, working for free was not the issue.

My biggest beef is that this will unfairly go down as another project that Salim “has started but not completed”. And this does not let me sleep well at night. Especially given the potential of the cluster.

So, I started asking questions. I demanded to see the accounts. How has USD 50, 000 ended just like that.

As per the logs and calculations:

• Rent for 1 year (Sept 2012 to Sept 2013) – USD 10k – As advised during the budget phase.
• Equipment for 4 nodes – USD 14, 000 (Later revised as 20, 000)
• Multiflex server for head node – Donated by Intel (Free)
• 2 people pay (July, Aug, Sept), One person Oct pay USD 1500 per month – USD 10, 500
• Server Rack and Cabling – USD 10k

Total : 44, 500 (or 50, 000)

So, clearly, the cluster needed more than the 50k. Good no problem. The allocated money was depleted. And all was accountable.

But I started asking more questions.

With all due respect, why was the cluster given the SMALLEST portion of the Google’s 250k. Why was UX Lab been given USD 100k, and the SuperComputer 50k? We are short of hardware and money to “operate”, whereas the financially-doped UX Labs changes the floor depending on the length of delays of Mpesa transactions and the color of Uchumi mandazis. This week Ceramic. Next week Marble. Next week Pink Tiles.

Is the focus here technology, or pedicure? Does Africa need a setup to tell developers what hue of Hazel to use on their app icons more than they need a super-computer?

I always say, Never blame the car for not taking you to your desired destination, if you use the fuel money for cologne and ceramic floors.

For some reason, there is this annoying premise that since Salim can do it, any off-the-streets campus kid can do it, with a little googling.

And it is for this reason that, I cannot say I was the least impressed when I went to the cluster room on Thursday (Feb 7), barely a month after I worked day and night to build it  and found an intern having formatted the MASTER node of the cluster for “leaning purposes”. Without as much as a phonecall to consult with me. God bless the intern. The cluster is dead.

Ofcourse, I will not talk about the fact that I am not allowed to enter the cluster room, my lab, without supervision. Either an employee from Ushahidi, or the lead must be there. Also, I will not speak about how much it bothers me that one wing of the Hub can take over 25+ employees to Lamu for over 2 weeks of 5+ star accommodation, but cannot get USD 1k to extend to the cluster for “daily operations”.

No. I will not speak about any of that. Nitaambiwa nimetukanana.

I am hoping for the best in this endeavor. And I hope this project can be resurrected. The potential is HUUGE.  But alot of things must change. Otherwise it is just a waste of time, with names and reputations at stake.

Back to bed.

Wazi.

Divide and conquer! Less gives more.

And so you have heard. The iHub Cluster is live. She purrs and we haven’t even started nuthin yet. I can add.

But what does “cluster” even mean? What does it do? Will it make Burritos? How does it help the common Mwananchi?

Questions!! So, this blog post is inspired by the classic and legendary Kenyan question. “Itanisaidia mimi aje?”.

My neighbour, Musyoka, asked me: “Na Mbwana Saarim, hii kiRasta naskia umetengenesa ni nini? Inakulaga nini supper? Inalalaga na ngodha ama commando?”. I laughed. “The shiite that I do is too complex for simple minds to even comprehend”, I thought to myself.

But soon, I realized something. If you cannot explain what you do to a 5-year-old or your grandma, then you really DON’T fully understand what you are doing.

Ofcourse, there is an exception to my willingness to explain complex things in a simple manner. For example, I remember, last week, I was busy “configuring Torque and PBS to work with MAUI across the GPUS on the DMZ-ed Infiniband .13 lan” when someone barged in and asked: “Salim, what are you working on?”. This was annoying for some reason, I had 5 shell terminals open and could NOT be disrupted. And I think I was callous, because I said: “If I explained what I am doing to you, your brain would explode.” And got back to work. He left.

But today, I will be different and calm. Twende step by step. Taking our time. Just me and you. Usijali neighbors. Wamezoea nduru. Poa?

What the cluster is?

Think of a bicycle. It is one FAST mofo. Especially BMX and Black-Mamba. Can come from Junction to KNH in 10 mins flat. That is a high-end commodity server. Like the ones Safaricom uses for the Cloud. Very good for basic computing stuff.

Now, compare that BMX with a Bugatti. Junction to KNH in 0.000001 seconds.

One BMX has 8 to 16 cores, whole one cluster NODE has 3,076 cores. So when you think BIG expensive Servers, think Bike. When you think Cluster, think Bugatti.

OffTopic: I really want to benchmark the Safaricom USD 25M cloud with the USD 15k cluster that we have at iHub. Man vs Boy.

Now, what it can do – Practically – In Kenya

Word in the streets has it that it takes about 4 days for a Music video to be produced in Kenya. Shooting etc, then the video needs to be encoded with high-power machines that are only available commercially in Germany. So there is one day to upload, 2 days to be queued and encoded. The 1 day to download.

What this means is that if 2 artists have a video ready (and established one like Nameless and a new one, let us call him CampusMulla), then the producer needs to make a business decision. Whose music goes first. Nameless wins. CampusMulla remains un-aired.

Now, with the ISIOLO Cluster (remaned to iHubCluster), the only requirement for the music producer would be a 10MB vLan between their office/studio and iHub. And they can upload the video in 5 minutes, use the web interface we will provide to change encoding setting etc, then click ‘GO’, and download their video 2 minutes later.

Using the sheer raw POWER of the cluster, in 10 minutes, they will be able to do what they do in 4 days. More videos, more employment, more artists.

Ok. Good. That is one PRACTICAL use. Niendelee?

I think you get the point, Waititu. Au vipi?

So, what next?

Relax. Right now we have 2 nodes up and by Feb week 2, we will have 4. Then I will call for applications for people interested in being trained kuwa wanoma. To develop cluster apps. No previous knowledge required. Just make sure you can read English.

No more desktop ama sijui website coding. Advanced stuff. Still works on Web and Desktop. But cluster powered.

Tulia.

Back to code.

Wazi.

It is 2013. Move on.

Gawd!! My blood boils with rage.

Very many times, I have come close to a state of mind where I could get off my script, punch a bitch in the nose and then go back to code.

People just DON’T get the purpose of these Tech-Spaces.

“Relax Salim. It is never that serious”, an idiot occasionally tells me. “People who tell you ‘it is never that serious’ have never done anything of note in their lives.”, I respond. “Sometimes, it is THAT serious”.

Sue me.

What it is?

• Open/Free-Space – Everyone is welcome. No frills. Open-door policy. Some people are even allowed to bring their pet-dogs and loud mouths. No bias on age/gender/sexuality/color/race/religion. Just have a tech-brain. Simple.
• Techies’ concentration camp – I cannot think of a techie skill-set (save for bomb-disarming) that you cannot get at iHub/Nailab. You want it, it can be done here.
• Meetup space – Over the last 24 months, over 35 start-ups have been established at iHub. Nailab’s figures are also impressive. That membership. That one-time coffee-date with a potential partner at iHub. That conference. That launch. All bear fruits by linking up birds of a feather.

 What it is not?

Public Cybercafe – Bored over the weekend? How about you come to iHub/Nailab, pick a table and a seat and torrent away. The speeds are SUPER-HIGH and you can download all you can. Right? Get a life, bitch!! Wait, is that a Skype Call? A sign says “please make all calls from the balcony”? Fuck the balcony. I will talk from my desk. I will talk for as long as I want.

Weekend-hangout (Java Magua) – It is Saturday. Let us go to iHub and make some noise. Play Foosball while screaming our heads off. Right? Oh, Salim and Anto are coding? We don’t care!!

The Danger

To the average mind, iHub/Nailab are spaces for free Internet where you can come and chill sipping coffee as you wait for your movies to download. As you sip and bite your banana bread at 2-mega-bites per minute, you spot some techie, walk towards them and ask “What are you working on”. The idiots will spill all their beans. The experienced will say “nothing”.. or “just a website”

I have seen “foreigners and immigrants”, if you allow me to use that term without feeling that “salim hapendi walami” and labelling me a “threat to the tourism industry”, come to iHub with no Ideas or direction, listen to 2-3 techies and bloggers, go home, get some finding and START competing companies with the same Ideas they stole.

Well, no ideas are exclusive and unless it is a SOLID product, no one claims ownership. Granted. But what if the “problem” these techies talked about with these foreigners who come as “journalists”, “bloggers”, “researcher”, “professor at XYZ university” was financial? If we could only get USD 100k investment for marketing etc, the product would scale, some techies would tell these people.

They go back home, do some presentations on this “opportunity to improve lives in Africa by using SMS/Mpesa/USSD” etc. Throw in some names like HIV, Kibera and SiliconVagina (Sorry, SiliconSavannah). Get funding, then come and SHAMELESSY start a competing company on the next table to you at iHub/Nailab.

This is a crying shame.

I have given VERY MANY examples of these on my TL and blogs. I will say no more.

Come to iHub/NaiLab. But always remember. Not everyone here is your friend. Everyone has their own agenda. Just STFU and code.

Ni hayo tu.

Back to being the MFWIC!

Wazi!!

Sanity must be restored. At all costs
[img c/o Reuters]

Matatu drivers over-lapping even when there is no traffic jam on the road. Madness. Granted.

Someone needed to act. And act we did. Granted. The 5-page “Traffic (Ammendment) Bill, 2012” was passed. The main reason was:

MEMORANDUM OF OBJECTS AND REASONS

The objective of this Bill is to amend the Traffic Act (Cap.403) to vest ownership of motor identification plates on the Kenya Revenue Authority, and to require surrender of the plates to the Registrar of Motor Vehicles once a motor vehicle is transferred from one person to another.

The Bill further seeks to enhance the penalties for various traffic offences in order to deter commission of those offences and consequently minimise loss of lives on Kenyan roads through accidents.

The Bill also seeks to abolish the Traffic Police Department in order to vest enforcement of traffic laws and regulations on all police officers.

The enactment of this Bill will not occasion additional expenditure of public funds.

Dated the 21st November, 2011.

JAKOYO MIDIWO,

Member of Parliament.

Which is in good faith. Sanity MUST be restored. I repeat. In the last 4 days ago, the new laws have netted over KSHS 10M in fines and penalties. Ofcourse, these are the ‘official’ figures, but I am happy to hear that the money is actually accounted for.

So, what is the problem, Salim?

The most severe of the amendments were:

Amendment of section 44 of Cap. 403.

4. The principal Act is amended in section 44 by deleting subsection (1) and substituting therefor the following new subsection—

“(1) A person who, when driving or attempting to drive, or when in charge of a motor vehicle on a road or other public place, is under the influence of drink or a drug to such an extent as to be incapable of having proper control of the vehicle, commits an offence and shall be liable, upon conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding ten years, or to a fine not exceeding five hundred thousand shillings, or both.”

A few questions arise:

• What is the definition of “having proper control of the vehicle” ? Who defines this?
• People have different alcohol tolerance. Will we see The Police using breathalizers? What is the upper cap?

Insertion of new section 45A in Cap. 403.

 6. The principal Act is amended by inserting the following new section immediately after section 44—

 Driving on pavements, etc.

45A. (1) No motor vehicle shall, in order to avoid a build up of traffic on a road, be driven on, or through, a pavement, a pedestrian walkway or a petrol station, as the case may be.

 (2) A person who contravenes subsection (1) commits an offence and shall be liable, upon conviction, to imprisonment for a term not less than three months, or to a fine of not less than thirty thousand shillings, or to both.

Pedestrian walk. Sawa. pavement, sawa. But the Petrol station is really an issue.

Last week, my left front tyre had low pressure and so I drove through Shell, Junction and the watchman told me the AirPump was not working. So I drove on to the exit. A policeman appears and stops me. “Why have you passed through a petrol station without fueling”, he asked violently, “Do you know the new rules, Kijana!!?”.

It took the intervention of the Watchman and my semi-flat tyre to add meat the explanation that the Policeman had refused to buy. I was to be jailed for 3 months, pay 30, 000 or both.

Now, a few questions:

• Who defines the waiting period in such a situation? Do I park at the petrol station for 10 mins then drive on?
• When arrested, where is “evidence”? Is it my word against the Cop’s word?

We have talked about Video feeds on our roads etc. Without these, I see alot of drivers as victims. A tyre off the ‘yellow line’ and you will get arrested and reported. Because your car has been towed, you can’t prove contrary to the accusation.

Is this a concern? Am I being paranoid?

Tafakari Hayo.

Back to documentation.

Wazi.

Mshwari is here!!

What a beautiful day for science!!

Another M-Something system launches today. Bliss!!

I was invited at the launch event high-table, ofcourse, but after finding out gutter-press will be there, nikaamua ku-work online. Sitaki kuchafuliwa viatu.

Wanamme ni standards.

Ok. I can decide to copy-paste the 7-page document that Safaricom has sent me, ama I can make this read interesting. But knowing how predictable people are,  I can bet 6.9MB of my code that the first part has already been done. So, acha Salim afanye what Salim does best. Stree-style reporting. Explaining things in a simple manner. Hii si gazeti sijui grammar nininini. Au sio?

What is this mShwari that you speak of?

Another first from Safaricom. I think. Some junguu might come on twirra and claim the rights to the system in 2016 (and have a bandwagon of lamipithecus supporting their claim), but until then, I assume it is owned by Safaricom and CBA.

Also, it starts with M. To the anger of many online “tech gurus”. M-Something. I am sure if Safaricom had consulted the many “gurus” we have, they would have called it “MoneyLendinatorSaver”. But I am OK with M-Shwari. It is succinct, Kenyan and “OURS”.

So, think of paperless banking. Suddenly, you can have a Bank account that you can save money to. Mpesa to MShwari and vice-versa. Then think further. You are in town and you lose your wallet. You wish Okoa-Jahazi had a brother called Okoa-Mpesa. Well, wish no more!! The boy is born. Safaricom can now advance you between KSHS 100 to KSHS 100, 000 INSTANTLY. You pay in 30 days.

Wait, Salim. Take me slowly.

Sawa. Your siz also told me the same. So, here we go:

Requirements:

If you are an Mpesa subscriber, Just go to Mpesa -> My Account -> Update Menu -> Enter Mpesa PIN and give it 15 seconds. No need kuzima simu ama kuangalia KICC etc. Just wait. It is automated.

After 15 seconds or less, you receive an alert on-screen and your Mpesa Menu is renewed.  Now, if you go to Mpesa, you will see a menu called mShwari. Things like “PayBill” and “Buy goods” move to a new menu called “Payment Services” and a new menu called “Withdraw Cash” appears merging “From ATM” and “From Agent”. Nice. Neat. Click on M-Shwari and Click on “Activate Account”. Wait for 10 mins. There. Done.

Pin ni the same na Mpesa. Nothing like mShwari PIN.

Kuna “Terms and Conditions” you need to agree to. Just say yes. Trust me. Ikileta noma nipigie.

From MShwari menu, you now have options like:

• Show balance
• Withdraw from Bank
• Loan -> Request loan

Kwenda huko Salim, What about costs?

Cost za nini? Kwani hii ni Liddos kila kitu ina cost? Mpesa to Mshwari and vice-versa is at no cost. So as an NIC customer, I save myself KSHS 60 per transaction, PAP! NIC to Mpesa is now dead.

Min Balance for MShwari is 0 na Max Balance ni the same na Mpesa Max Balance.

Anything else, ohh, teacher?

Kuna some other stuff. You can’t send money from Mshwari to Mshwari. Or from CBA to Mshwari. Or Mshwari to CBA. Mshwari is Mshwari. Si poko. Weka Mpesa first.

Mshwari does not earn Bonga points. Weka Mpesa first.

Did I say you can Save on Mshwari? Yes you can. With the interest rates below (per annum, calculated daily):

• KES 1 -­‐ 10,000 2%
• KES 10,001-­‐ 20,000 3%
• KES 20,001 -­‐ 50,000 4%
• KES > 50,001-­‐ 5%

Na hizi loans bana?

Having a bad day? No money. OK, kwanza dial *234*6# to see how much loan you qualify for. Loan decisioning is based on usage of Mpesa, Safaricom Voice, Data and SMS. Wasee wa ku-flash na Okoa Jahazi kuna venye hamjacheka. The loan limit is dependent on your previous loan repayment behaviour and usage of other Safaricom services such as Voice, DATA and M-­‐PESA

The loan has NO interest. There is only a 7.5% facilitation fee on the loan. So even Muslims can take loans. If you borrow 1000, you repay 1075. Sasa noma ni if 30 days pass na haujalipa the 1075, the facilitation fee doubles. Sasa you have to pay 1150. And you MUST pay in full before you can take another loan.

For more information, MShwari FAQs and read for yourself. Enjoy.

Back to Hustle.

Wazi

Happy client. Happy you [Img c/o http://bit.ly/Yj43Ip]

If anything, we are dealing with clients, right? And clients are stupid, right? How about WRONG!? How about we look at this issue from an unselfish angle? Can we? Shall we?

Coding is a new venture to most people in Kenya (Coding professionally for pay), and since analogies are the order of the day in Mkwanjaville, I will share a few.

Let us use the Cab guy today.

This is an easy-reading post meant to inspire you and open your eyes. Also, it should act as a guide to make sure we have happier clients in 2013, and more-loaded, less-stressed coders.

Business/Life-lessons from 2012.

1 – The driver v/s a businessman stance

When the Cabbie wakes up in the morning, he tells his wife “Nimeenda Kazi” (I have gone to work). This is a person who has no confusion whatsoever about what he is going to do. He is not out there to awe people on the highways on how fast he can drive. He has no intention of making friends by giving way on the road. He gets up early, cleans his cab and parks at the most conspicuous spot with a sign saying “TAXI”.

So, as a coder, the focus should be simple. You are not here to appear on TVs and win local Hackathons. You are here PRIMARILY to solve human problems via code. Then, make some serious loot if your systems are polite.

I cannot overemphasize how CRITICAL this clarity is. If you go home with LESS money on the 30th than you had on the 5th, you have an issue with clarity.

2 – One customer at a time

Lesson learnt the hard way. Remember how pissed off you get when your cabbie stops on the road to pick another passenger since “you are going the same route”. More so on your tab? Remember how ANNOYED you get when your cabbie is late because “he was dropping someone first”?

The same focus and ‘respect’ you demand is the same one you MUST accord your client as a coder. I have learnt the hard way that it is better, safer, more fulfilling and satisfying for both myself and a client to “over-charge” ONE client and block off time to finish their job in/on time, than to charge cheap and be called “affordable” then take on 4 projects at once.

You will fail in ALL of them.

3 – Detour = Extra charge

Take a cab from Junction to Kenyatta. Straight. The cab guy will agree to charge you KSHS 500. Once you reach Adams and decide to pick some Fries from Java, he will wait at the parking. But will inform you that you will add KSHS 200 for waiting. Unless you are called Wangechi and can cook chapatis. Then you reach iHub and decide to pick your Green Membership Card. Another 200. So the trip changes to 900.

Same thing happens in code. Make it VERY clear that Item 1 and 2 are “on-Scope” and cost USD 1200, but the new item 3,4,5 and 6 are “Off-scope” and DOABLE at a fee. They will have an impact on budget (fiscal and time-wise). No matter how “small” the detour is.

“But you do these things every day!”, a typical Kenyan client would ask. “So does the cabbie, madam. And he charges for doing the same stuff daily”, should be your response hence.

4 – Know your trade and tools of trade

The cabbie knows that he can use the smooth jam-packed Ngong road to Jammu or the rough and bumpy no-traffic shortcut. Same destination, 2 different routes/approaches. All you want as a client is to reach Jammu. The cab guy will estimate the fuel. They will decide whether they have enough fuel to use the long smooth road, or whether their shocks are strong enough to handle the rough road.

A client wants a website that will have a Mobile and Wap extension. You need to know what options you have. Do you use Java for the site and PHP for the mobile app? That is plain stupid. You are the “professional” here.

Know the best way to deliver the fastest, best and most functional solution for the client.

5 – Your problems vs Client problems

So, you reach Adams and he gets a puncture. Does he call you another cab? That is an option. But he quickly jumps out and fixes the issue in 6 mins. Then uses Menelik road all the way down past iHub. Less traffic to recover lost time. Retains you as a client.

He knows that he needs to be able to handle “simple problems” himself otherwise he loses out.

What? Your laptop got stolen? You better have a backup and a Plan B to continue the work. This is not a ‘client problem’. What? Your battery cannot keep power? Your CD-Rom drive has ‘issues’? How is that the client’s problem?

The coder’s advantage

A cabbie driving 2 KMs from Junction to iHub 5 times will cover 20 Kms in total. No matter how good s/he is.

Ofcourse, as a coder, you can re-use code/logic at no effort. Trip one will be 4 KMs, but trips 2 to N will be CTRL+C.

A client is like a girlfriend. Treat them nice and with respect, and they will never DM #teamMafisi.

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Piecing it all together

I am culprit too. Bohoohoo!!

I know.

I know. Chora blog.

There are about 18 blog posts there about ‘software projects that Salim has not finished.’ Some are true. Some are just written by shoe-shiners who want to lecture us about how to code. Some are just plain vindictive.

But from each, I learn a lesson. You are just as good as your LAST complete project. And this makes me better.

Being in the front-row of the battle gives me the facts, authority and balls to stand infront of men and women and lecture them about software development. I am a consultant. Not an employee. So I can lecture you about #biashara here all day from the angle of a true code-hustler. Not arm-chair lectures from someone behind a desk.

So, the big question is : “How does one hire Kenyan coders for a software project and see it COMPLETED?”

I will address this issue in a 2-phased point form. First of all addressing the problem, then recommending solutions I have known to work.

The big-chinese-peenus coder

I once wrote a blog-post about the Chinese peenus that, as always, annoyed alot of people. This is described as the bike owner who claims to have a Hummer 3. This type of coders always are in LUCK of getting projects with beautiful proposals and candy-talk. 1 year experience in Java and 24 hours with a “Teach yourself PHP in 24 hours” and they start lecturing the seasoned masters about code.

These ‘yes-men’ and ‘yes-galz’ will promise heaven to the client and deliver Liddos. All due to having pure willingness and no skills. You cannot blame the coders for over-estimating their capabilities or under-estimating the code/time demands of a project. Nor can you blame a zealous client for hiring mediocres.

As a client, you should do due-diligence on the coders assigned to do your project. Ask the company to send you CVs of the actual people who will be working on your system. Then do peer reviews and background checks.

The disgruntled master coder

I have always said this. Nothing is as useless to an organization as a disgruntled master coder. It is better to hire a wannabe helloworld guru from Campus and pay them well, than hire a seasoned master and pay them poorly or late… or worse, not pay them. More work will be done by the campuser.

It is not always about money. Sometimes, the coder would be disgruntled about project types. “I came here to do a serious system. Not a payroll. This is a waste of my talent and vast skills.”, I once heard one say. Na si ati anaringa.

Never hire a master-chef, to wash your floor. The floor will never be washed.

The shifting client

“I want the logo blue.” That is week one.

“I think pink will accentuate my inner female.” That is week 2.

“Lilac makes the logo more professional.” Yes? Week 3.

“These stupid designers can never finish a simple job. It is now 4 weeks and my logo is not done.” Week 4.

“Fuck you!!”, Week 5. Designer cancels the job. Client writes a blog about how unprofessional Kenyan designers are.

The ‘must be ready by tomorrow’ hailstorms

My most abbhored client types. Client sleeps, wakes up, goes to shower, and as s/he gently does their shower thingie, comes up with an Idea. Calls Salim. “Sasa, add this feature. I want the system to be able to do H, I, J and W. Can this be done by tomorrow 3PM? Can I see a demo??”

“Well, if by ‘a demo’, you mean my left elbow, then yes. You can see ‘a demo’ even today.”, is always my immediate response. Although what goes out to the client is something to the lines of : “Let me get back to you, sir!!”.

My solution to these clients is a CLEAR contract before any engagements detailing:

• How new feature requests will be made. Officially. In writing.
• The fact that new features will attract MORE pay.
• The fact that new features will be done AFTER the already-scoped features are done

The writing pen; first

A lesson from Mpesa. The most basic system known to Kenya. A system whose workings is as clear to the techie at Safaricom as it is to a cobbler on K-street. But moves gazillions of data and money per second.

I know of many people who have a list of the MANY features mpesa should/could have. Some realistic. Some hormonal. But I was once told: “Make the pen write first. Then improve on how it writes. How it feels to the hand. The color of the ink. The color of the tip. But the PEN, must WRITE first.”

Focus on the CORE. Add the bells and whistles later.

Ni hayo tu.

Back to code.

Wazi!

Mpesa is a Tool. Not a means or an end

Today, I will use the word ‘hard’ in a very somber way. Ohh, it is a sad day for Kenya. Our motherland. And also for the few Mpesa users in our neighboring developing and non-developing countries like TZ and UG.

Safaricom is not executing the 8400 Mpesa transactions. No. Not today. Kenya GDP has dropped by 0.0023 percent. Give or take. KRA has lost well over 100M in revenues today. Give or take.

I will go on. Chippoz have had to take the Kenyan walk-of-shame bila fare. Mpesa haiwork. I can think of at least 4 people who called me at various clubs last night to rush there and physically pay their bills. They have 50k on Mpesa but could not pay their 11k bill. Mpesa was done. And no one can give you cash unless they see a confirmation message on their phones.

The story

So, as usual, I went to Qz yesterday at 9pm. I will not delve into how I was dressed since this is not a Nigerian movie, or talk about my shoes because I do not want to depress you. Ati Salim anaringa. Na ni ukweli tu anasema.

So I reach Qz on time, park in my reserved parking, then itishiad a few rounds for my buddies. I had only 2k on me, but si I have Mpesa. So I relaxed. Amar challenged me to a 2-set race to 10 for 5k. The game ended 4-5 and the second one 5-4. No winner. A draw. So I did not have much to pay at the pool table.

1230am. Bill kujas and I smile, since it just amounted to 1/6th of what I had on Mpesa. Anne asks whether I am using a card, cash or Mpesa. I do not carry alot of cash or ATM Cards since I am relaxed. We have Mpesa. So she gives me the Till number and after I send the scrilla via Mpesa, I get the message talking about “Mpesa experiencing delays”.

Arrgh! this is normal on weekends. Mpesa always works at 60% efficiency. I needed to leave in a hurry, so I told Anne that I will pay from wherever I was “mpesa ikiamka”.

Yes. Fuck! Upto now, Mpesa has not amkad. Still humping AuntieSuzie. Anne is in deep trouble for creating a ‘short’. My name and credibility and credit ratings are affected since I am that jamaa who “hepad na bill”.

Now, I am sure this is child-play compared to what happened to you and/or friends last night. Share in the comment section, Be-Low!!

The lessons

Simple and succinct:

• Mpesa is a system. Systems go down. Toa pesa mapema or carry cash. Leave the cash in the car and only use it when you cannot pay via Mpesa.
• Beba ATM.
• Don’t put too much money on Mpesa. Use Mpesa as a transfer carrier. Not as a savings account. What happens today if the data cannot be retrieved from the DEAD mpesa disks? How much can you lose without going insane?

I just ask myself. Why wasn’t the Mpesa data saved in the Safaricom cloud?

Didn’t they have a setup where Mpesa had a hot-spare? Whatever happened to replication? High-availability? Redundancy? Of-site mirror?

Back to code.

Wazi.

A female twollower, also a very good friend of mine was ‘somewhat’ annoyed by my last blog post about Kenyan mammaz. So she sent me this blog entry via email under strict instructions to post it as-is.

Here we go:

Inspired by my friend Chairman of Cat Lovers Consortium – Major General Idd Salim of #MafisiCode, This list is by no means an exhaustive summary of the 69 types of men found in Urban Kenya. Any resemblance or similarities to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“Yo! You know yah!”
‘Like Wow! Yo!’

Introducing Mr Yo-yoh! aka Mr HypeMan

Mr HypeMan comes in all shapes and sizes. He dresses and talks like he eats wakes up and bathes in MTV, cribs, E-news, Kardashes, etc. He knows about or has the latest fashion/gear/shoes/ entertainment – not coz he can afford it-but he’s gotta have it! “XBox-Squared-Round” he has it even if he doesnt know how to use it.

He is constantly “busy” connecting with people on his phone, skype, blog, ping, bbm ie. the guy who just passed wearing sagging chinos (skinny jeans), mandals, Jeezus beads. The one you want to take home to meet Mommy. Big words like “confusion” compound the HypeMan. He can NOT read a book to save a life ["I'm Soo busy"] so – any book at his digs is either there by mistake or for display purposes.

He can not see his life, beyond social connectivity.

He will have an EXCUSE or OPINION about everything- even if he doesnt know about it. He is ALWAYS right. How to SPot him:- You cant quite place the accent, n he dress like a cross betwen Wiz Khalifa, Col.Moustapha, Dj Ck, (i love hip hop).

How to tell its him: – Ask him the words or genesis of the Kenyan National anthem.., the Lords prayer, the rap he is listening to right now even..*go make urself some tea. Actually, go plant some”

Mai-Guy

He has many friends called “Chief, Boss or Mai-guy”

If dating a mama’s boy is bad enough, Mai-guy can not function with out his “Boiz” There will be no tiff, query, answer or sex-style he will have with you that he hasnt queried then reported to his boiz usually conducted in bars. SO basically everyone knows ur shit or lack of.

You met :- when his group, ran into your girls.. His boy came to chat you up for him .

How to spot him:- and his boys dress like they bought a discount-clothing store in Doobz- and are its only customers ie they were the same shit.. If one is in pink, the other is in yellow, lime, blue etc.

His Boiz girls try TOO much to be your “pals” inviting your for Sunday cook-offs, baby showers, tea in the park, spa surprises n to join their chama. You realise you’ve actually never had a date with him alone. Its always “We [the People/Crew/Boiz] are going to – ArtCaffe, Nai-vegas, Nanyuki etc”.

You know things are thick if you can NOT DIY or fantasize about him.. without his “boys” co-starring.

The Bougie/Culture Experientialist

Positions himself as the bougiest lover of arts, culture and feminism. He spill more romantic, self awareness, philosphical shit than Shakespeare, Jung n Voltaire could – his bible was written by Paulo Coelho and Deepak Chopra. This incense n mood-lighting charmer swears on the powers of herbal tea (grass’n'twigs) and has a selection of flower vases at home (coz real men love flowers).

His jazz’n'blues collection actually has more to do with movies like “Love Jones” than the actual appreciation for jazz n blues. He talks elusively about a Great Love/romance – even after ur glorious 8 seconds. There is always *sob* someone who wounded him so deeply – (40 years ago) “Its soo hard to trust again!”

How to spot this guy :-He has bougie beads,a leather bangle or necklace and wears linen pants, mandals in the wknd. He ALWAYS has more chicks on his arm than a gay stylist. (i love gay people!) How to tell its him:- Talks [glowingly] about his mum -ALOT second to how much he talks about his platonic chick friends.

How to KNOW its him:- He names his equipment. By equipment – I mean his dick and his car. He also talks to them- [arguements included]

Jay’z 99 problems was written for this guy. With an excellent sales (get-laid)-pitch-honed in the 1st half of his life – for lacking in the looks or social dept- the experientialist’s date/sexlife is REALLY based on trying n testing around for the ONE thing he cant fuck. His Mom. (or ex)

“Wow! Nice Avi” :-How it Started: -on some social networking site.

Mr App’n'Cumming

Will talk tech with as much glee’n enthusiasm as a 3yr-old playing in the mud. Which is quite cute. For the first 3 dates. He sees things in code and matrix kinda numbers. He has an app for everything-only trusting directions if they came with longtitudinal/latitude degrees. So if GPS, Google-maps or SatNav can’t locate your G-spot……….

He can NOT have a conversation without some of these words: “statistically, probability, improvability, enhance-ability, pilot, scalability, returns, risks, investment, execution, performance, exit, strategy, measureability etc” everything is seen in terms of numbers, possibilities..

App’n'Cumming would rather propose ANYDAY than answer “What 3 non-electrical/technical/info/data things would you take if you were stranded on an island?”

How to spot this guy:- Usually colour-blind, he plays safe with fashion (khakis/jeans tshirts n snickers).

How to Tell its him:- He’s usually hunched over a desk,bonnet, bench, ironboard etc – typing furiously behind a laptop muttering to himself while juggling phone in other hand.

As much as this guy may be adorable,(girls like things that ignore them) and is great at problem solving..you are not in his “Top 100 List BEFORE I become the next Steve Jobs/ Dangote/ Carlos Helu”

However.. for buddies-this option is GREAT! He’s all about “measuring n scalability” – so you get a MAXIMUM workout at the times scheduled for this activity.. which in terms of priority mean 6am -7.30am and close of day (his) 10.30pm-12am.

And last but not least.

Mr Sensitive Guy

Fine, granted,right now-flashing your “Im a Poet” card drops mo kuchie than Smirnof Black ice. Power to you -its been a long time cumming! Its finally cool n sexy to be a poet/writer/author. BUT keep ur balls..mayne.

We all have that friend.. (who shall remain nameless.. or 2 actually).. who after every relationship -ie short coffee-date.. takes to the TL after 10.45pm poetically pondering the pious, purity and illusiveness of yet another-potential muse. Our friend does this all night.If you think “Phew! I missed the torrent” does the equivalent of hi-fiving himself.. by retweeting their tweets on prime-time the next day.

How to tell:- He is a very popular guy during the week yet His follower rate on FB or Twirrah ALWAYS drops by half every weekend.

How to SPOT him: -He is the one MaiGuy leaves to watch over drinks as he guards Mr HypeMan’s Manbag when all the guys go pitching.

By dint of being in so many friendzones he potentially has the best advice and probably the best moves but tucks in his shirt too well, buttons his shirt right up, thinks Nivea for men doubles up as cologne.. ie lacks abit of attitude

And there you have it.

Back to research

By MumBi Mungai