All hail the master coder!!

Oh, pulchritude! Oh, pulchritude! Ohh, how thou possesseth nothing more that just sheer cutaneous profundity.

Ohh, how thy perception and effect withers when the rubber meets the road.

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Ehh! sitatumia ‘Oh’ ingine basi.

Naweza fanya maboyz fulani waanze kufikiria sabuni na kufeel homesick.

Tena naweza tumia another brobdingnagian word ilete noma. Ohh, anajiringa juu alienda stach. Ohh, anathani hatujui kutumia Google. Ohh, anajifanya anajua ngoso na ni ‘bhaite murume’. Fragile egos. Wakenya. So, acha hiyo stori iishie hapo.

As you know by now, sipendi ku-beat around the bushes. Mii huingiza tu mara once! I go in deep. I go blunt. Original content. Mkitaka kujua juu ya Facebook IPO na the Google Olga ‘Firing’, mtanunua gazeti. You did not come here to read duplicated content. That is for half-brains. So, acha leu tudiscuss minyoo, panya na maguru.

The story of the worm

We all know the story of the early bird and the worm. All factors remaining constant, the early bird catches the worm. But with all the real-world factors factored in, the early bird can only, realistically, catch the early worm. If the worm went out last night and over-sleeps, the early bird will have nothing to catch.

Hold that thought

The story of the 3 mice

The mice came up with a better story. The second mouse, that arrives late compared to the first one, is the one that gets the cheese. This is because the first mouse gets caught by the trap. And dies. Engaging the trap, and leaving the cheese lying there for a swift second mouse to cash in. But then comes a third mouse. Who waits for the greedy second mouse to get the small cheese and run with the feeling of VICTORY.

The third mouse analyzes the trap area and the store, then discovers where the small cheese was cut from. Then takes the entire loot home. Gets laid by the finest mice and praised by it’s mice peers. And lives happily and in abundance thereafter.

The Rich Coder

The fables continue. Enter the rich coder. Still a fallacy in Kenya. We are still yet to see a success story.

I am not talking of coders hired by organizations with funding to write code and get well paid. No. This is not the ultimate coder model. I am not talking about the ‘I work at Safaricom’ ama ‘I work for the UN’ type of coders. Not at all. Na nisiambiwe nimetukanana.

I am talking about the real self-made millionaires. I am talking about the One laptop, one idea, one team, one million dollars type of stories. This title is still vacant. This post is still un-taken.

Then comes the self-defensive: “What difference does it make HOW you get the scrilla, as long as you have the scrilla?”. You see, that is the type of reasoning that keeps many of us from becoming our own master. Systems have a shelf-life. A system that was THE SHIITTE in 2008 is just a good thing to look back to in 2012. The question becomes, what have you DONE OF LATE.

And that is where the pride of a coder and the opportunity to be super-paid comes in. That is how people remain relevant to the industry. Bettering yourself. Daily. Looking at the YOU of yesterday and saying: “That fool could not code.”

There is not a single Mobile App in Kenya that has been monitized. Is yours gonna be the one? If so, will it be the early bird, the second mouse, or the third? There isn’t a single IT Company that has done an IPO in Kenya (achana na ma-ISP kama AK nini nini. I am talking REAL IT), will you be the first one?

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Sema YES tena uone!!

Well, as always, I speak about my life here. My experiences. My lessons. My big losses. My small victories. My unrelenting spirit.

Kuitwa guru na maboyz. The zeal. the Zest. Kuwa impressed. Kuwa humbled. Kuwa inspired.

Falling down. Dusting myself and asking life, “Is that the BEST you’ve got?”. Kuitwa daddy na madem. Kuchapwa kiboko na Safaricom.

Kukujiwa na heavily armed hired flying squad jamaaz. Kugongwa doo mob na my boy-hood friend from Isiolo because of one of my stupid attributes/weaknesses called trust/gentleman’s agreement.

But still I rise. Kama erection. Start small. Grow big. Mpaka the trouser can’t ficha you anymore. Throbbing with pure-blood. Pulsating with ambition and psyche and dreams. All in the quest for self-betterment..

You are as good as you want to be. As bad as you let yourself be. As rich as your hunger pushes you to be. As broke as your lethargy and stupid laziness makes you. The better you get in code. The better your apps become. There are no two ways about it. Code ni kama mti. Experience breeds prowess. Practice teaches you new styles. New models. In March, you become totally embarrassed to admit that the code you are reading was made by you last November. “Ni mjinga yupi aliandika hii code?”, you wonder.

Apart from unoma, balls of steel and better management of time and resources (money etc), life has taught this thugs a few NO lessons:

No to code-change

Change from you and the client. The client rarely orders code-change. Unless you befriend them. Never befriend the client to a level that mtazoena. Ni client. Si mamako. Akanje, mpe service na system poa, na hiyo stori iishe hapo. If you find yourself picking calls and code-changes from a client every 6 hours, then the relationship is messed up. Unless they pay for EACH change. And pay well. Si lunch. Si ngata. Doo.

The second type of change is the worst. As a ‘progressive coder’ I look at better ways of writing a certain function better. Make it faster. Make it use less memory and IOs. This, and I am ashamed to admit, is another problem I have. Personally. Code iliisha Dec, but Jan bado naicheki. The client is happy and the project has been signed off as delivered and OK, but bado napeana updates.

Bad habit. Client si mamako.

No to new projects

Project one itachukua 6 weeks. You are in it like an unborn baby inside the womb.  You are 2 weeks in the project. You have already finished the tasks/milestones for week 4. Then an email/phonecall comes. “Kuna ka-job kanatakikana. Utalipwa 300k”. You gauge and see itachukua 4 weeks. Good pay, sio? 75k per week baba!! You take the project, inakuchukua 6 weeks juu ya changes mbili tatu. But imeisha. Bado tu documentation na reports kiasi tu. Kazi ya siku nne.

The client one calls. Job niaje? Phuuck!! Hata ile code thought-process ulikuwa nayo ya project one imeisha. Unaanza tena. Deadlines are not met. Client amejam. Anatuma flying squad wakukamie since they are for hire. Una-refund project 1. Lost contact. In the time taken, client 2 pia anageuka dame. Documentation na reports kadhaa bado. Na kuna vitu nne anataka zi-change. Ana PMS. See where this is going?

Uta-do what? Acha ku-play clients. Acha ku-play projects. Respect the code.

No to procrastination

“Ahhhh! Hii nitaifanya next week.” So this week ni just ku-chill. Kucheki madem na ku-tweet all day as if uko employed.

‘Next week’ inafika. Man Urinals wanalimwa sita. You can’t work juu ya stress. Your only source of joy in this life imelimwa. Time flies all week. Hauna psyche ya code. Client anajam.

Job ya leo mzee, fanya leo. Acha stori mob.

No to money from clients

I have seen this trick being used alot. I call it the kudanganya-poko trick. A client knows you are GOOD and wants to make you his/her bioatch. So anakupa doo na envelope. Kama 150k. Ndio ufanye project. Hata hamja-discuss scope etc. Unahepi. Finally umeget the dream client. Anakanja utadhani dame wa campo akigawa.

Then comes the master-stroke. Project ni demanding na ni BIGI utadhani ni ninii ya nanii. 6 months later, umeunda system unge-quote 4M for 200k per month for 6 months. Tu-handouts twa 50k per week. Si hiyo ni doo mob? Client sells your system for 10m+. “We paid you millions.” They tell you ukizusha.

Na hawajadanyanya. Wewe ndiye fala.

No to client’s dreams / partnerships

Ok. Kamoja tu basi kabla niambiwe nimetukanana.

“Manze we cannot afford to pay you the 1.2 M for 2 months that will take you to do the system, but wee unda hii system for 400k, then tutakupa 10% shares. Manze hii system itasell kama hot-cakes. Your 10% shares will be worth millions in 12 months”. Yeah. We have all heard that before. “Go phuck a tree”, is always my response.

I would rather get paid 200k leo, than 10M next week.

Unless they commit to that amount on paper. Mdomo ni ya BJ. Si ya contracts.

Ok. Sawa.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Idle... Idle... Idle...

Pool. Ball. Madem. Chess. Apart from pool ofcourse. Those are a a few of my favorite things.

Ok. I am a funny guy. I know.

Not funny queer or funny strange, but funny ‘HAHAHA.. Hapo umetuweza Salim!’.

And just like when you are a self-actualized coder, you let other people learn code and become as good as you are, because the more the merrier, when it comes to a good laugh, and someone cracks a good joke, I let them run the show.

Just let the brother/sister run the show. It helps.

I don’t add to the joke or do the Kenyan thing of ‘improving someone’s joke’, especially mbele ya madem. Ama mbele ya wasee wa Man U kama wewe ni shoga.

So, I was at Coco Jambo a few months ago with Muendo and Mugo, and some ‘funny’ Man U guy was cracking jokes about Arsenal. We were all laughing and having fun. Ofcourse, to the idiots surrounding him, they all sounded ‘kali’ and ‘unique’. But, bitch, I am on twitter and facebook. I know where Churchill and Co get their jokes. And he had joined the bandwagon. So, nikamuacha a-run the show. Until he went too far. And Idd Salim, the one, the only, had to step in.

Ilifika place aka-run out of ‘good’ Arsenal jokes. So, he said : “Jana niliuliza mtoto wangu, ‘What is 8 minus 2′.. Akasema ‘Arsenal’ … “, “HAHAAHHA, kali hiyo!! kali hiyo!!”, went the members of the sema-anything-tucheke-coz-unatununulia-beer crew. So, I interrupted the black I was about to double, stood upright, smiled and asked: “Mtoto wako?”, “Yes, my 11 year old bana!!”, he responded whilst high-fiving some hoes around him and giving his beer bottle the traditional and trademark manu-u-fan usiishe-haraka-woiyee bottle blowjob .

“He, lazima anakuwaga number last kwa class  kila term. Mbona una-waste fees kwa mjinga kama huyo. Si ungeleta hiyo pesa ununue beer ingine at least.”. I know! Lights out!! Bar-fight!! Naah. Let us just say that hiyo joke illishia hapo. Nothing is sweeter than making a throng of hoes surrounding a funny-guy laugh at the funny-guy. Na madem hawanaga adabu. Walimcheka.

Na nikarudi kwa game ya pool, despite all the sasa-angalia-umetuharibia-rave looks from his crew. Fuck him! Na hiyo stori ikaishia hapo.

Madem nao hawajuagi when to call. I was being stressed the other week with some XMPP service optimization, and in the middle of a BOSH debug-session, dame fulani ananicall na anauliza, : “Vipi Salim!! How are things today?”, to which I, obviously, respond : “My things are ok. Big, black and thick. Just like last time you saw them. Ok, maybe bigger”.

Na ati akajam! Ni nini mbaya na watu? Unauliza 1+1, na nikisema 2 unafura? “Salim, I have a boyfriend. Don’t say such things to me!”, she retorted. “Then be faithful and focus on his things, sweetie.”, I responded, politely. Simu ikakatika. Ok, acha tuseme tu ni simu ilikatika. Nikarudi code! Oh, what bliss!!

Noma buda! Nakumbuka msee alinijamisha once nikamwambia, “The next time uko na dame yako ukim-plug-n-play na kum-FTP (f*cx the p*s*y), then acheke in the middle of your debug-session, hacheki juu ya ati venye uko na only 32 MB of RAM (get it?? RAM… as in Ramming? Hehehe, fala hii). Zii. Ni hii blog alisoma na akaona joke poa. Usimjamie. Bure.”

Ok, code niko karibu kuwa mnoma, finally. Soon, I will attain Level 3.7 of 10 of a coder. My dream is to reach level 4 by July, and by the way vitu zinaenda, siko mbali. So, that makes my list of must-gets for this year:

• Beat Nahinga and Co in Chess.
• Win at least 2 pool tournaments.
• Build the I.S.I.O.L.O. *_iCluster
• Teach at least 3 people how to code in Java/PHP, properly.
• Go represent Kenya in the Pool World-cup in Blackpool in June.
• Learn to swim.
• Learn a language [Portuguese sanasana ama French as option 2].
• Be a better me.
• Add another Zero to that Bank Account.
• Bas.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Punda Milia - Ass Mi Cry

As you all know, I am not the type to castigate anyone that tries everything within their means and fails. That would be ironic, hypocritical and downright Kenyan. That would make me an arm-chair critic.

I am in the business of failure. So far, 5.6 out of every 6 inventions I have tried to come up with has failed miserably. I have been told to give up, many times. But, I keep soldiering.

If I see a campus kid at Nailab/iHub with 17 bugs in his 5 lines of code, I will find a way to laugh about it WITH him/her and the fix the issues with/for them. And everyone goes home happy.

But then comes the other side of the coin. You look at the locus standi:

• Google are touted to have the most rigorous developer grilling exercises during interviews. So they have the ‘best’ developers, thinkers etc.
• They have gazzilions of USDs to pour [thanks @coldtusker] in research on languages.
• They even have a bloody LOCAL office in Kenya, the mother-land of Swahili, access to all the best Swahili professors/linguists in Africa.

But apart from butt-f**king mocality, I wonder what else their local office does.

Google in Swahili is the BIGGEST joke of all time.

Ok, Ok. Alright. Before the ‘google ni mama yetu’ team start getting all emotional and feeling as if their man-hood has been challenged, let us look at some few examples. Again, these are my views as IDD SALIM. Don’t victimize my cat or Arsenal. Ni mimi.

1 – Just because you are in Kenya, Google automatically shows you Gmail and Google.com in Swahili. Is this a racist joke? I always take this to mean that : “Hello fella, you are so illiterate and stupid, but the clever geniuses at google have translated the internet into your primitive language that even we don’t understand, so that you can use the Internet better. Bonyeza hiki kifungo [press this button]“.

This is the equivalent of seeing a black man enter a restaurant and automatically serving him chicken, before he even orders. This is the annoying and demeaning equivalent of seeing a skimpily dressed girl in a club and asking her ‘How much for the whole night’, before even ASKING for her name and finding out what the deal is.

Assumptions, Assumptions, Assumptions.

2 – The ‘switch to english’ cookie is timed and when it expires, The bloody service goes back to Swahili. So you can imagine how many times my neighbours and friends call saying : “Salim, it has gone back to Swahili. Please come and help again.”

3 – We would not complain like this if the translation was ACTUALLY in SWAHILI. (Ofcourse, It is only Salim who blogs about these things. The rest just complain in elevators and DM. Pussies.) The translation comes out as a Kindergarten attempt to Swahili. It is as if the translator teams just read “A complete Idiot’s guide to Broken Swahili” and then said, “Boss, we are ready”. Na wakaanza kazi.

Ok. Again. I know. NLP is the hardest part of Programming. But where does NLP apply on the Home page? On GMail Inbox? On Simple Search results page? That is a simple language file. Can’t google get that right? Is swahili translation something they REALLY take seriously, or is it just a hobby they gave to 3 Swahili Under-graduates from Yale/Stanford.

I think Google-Swahili should be taken offline and be given to UoN students as an excersize. Waget something better to do than throwing stones, waget doo kiasi, na pia wa-get bragging rights.

Let us have something Kenya, done PROPERLY by Kenyans, in Kenya.

Until then, it is a bad joke, in bad test.

Ni hayo tu.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Kelele tu. Kelele. Ignore the Noise

It is a funny little world that we live in. Funny as f*ck, and sad at the same time.

For every 2 people who tell you ‘keep going’ and ‘never give up’, there are 13 more convincing people that tell you ‘hauwesmek’, ‘you are not good enough’, ‘it is impossible to do it’.

What makes it worse, is that the norm does not change. C and D students still interview, employ and manage A and B+ students.

So systems and policies come with D-level specs and schematics and the A-students are forced to shed-off their awesomeness so as to relate to the low-IQ specs and, soon, unless they get out, they become mediocre laborers.

As if this is not insulting enough to basic human intelligence, we now have C- and D people who have never done ANYTHING worth writing home about or typing online about, stand infront of men and women and DARE to CRITICIZE and JUDGE the independent A-grade hustlers of this small town. Just because they are ‘clever enough’ to open a twitter account and can type a WHOLE 140 characters in 80% correct English.

A month ago, I had a TL issue with Media Madness asking them to name a person who, they said, had DM’ed them stating that Moses Kemibaro was a collasal failure. Now, either I did not understand what failure was, or maybe I am too blinded by code and the DIY code of ethics to know when to stop, but I take anyone who wakes up and goes about their own hustle and is self-employed or self-unemployed more of a success, than a f*cking dispensable employee at ANY company in Kenya, sitting in-front of a company-owned PC and calling the hustlers, losers/failures.

Now, isisemekane Salim sasa ametukana employees. We all cannot be career people. Some of us were created to WORK our entire lives for other people and the VERY thought of quitting and becoming your own bosses is as scary as the offer for free castration. That is what you are. that is why people can afford to be on twitter and FB the whole day, still get paid, but at the back of their mind… when they sleep.. the WHAT IF creeps in. Ukivutwa job itakuwaje?

This year will be quite an interesting year. For me. First off, because I will no longer be a member of the iHub/NaiLab/mLab community. I waited till the last minute to re-apply for iHub Membership, and as Murphy’s law might have it, the connection acted up and my application was ‘never received’. So, my access was rescinded and all my privileges transmogrified. It seems “Made in Jammu” will be what I will slap on the ‘credits’ section of all my apps planned for this year.

Secondly, everything has finally come of age. The tipping point is here. The 10, 000 hours have been worked and toiled. Safaricom finally opened up all our connections. Mpesa, CSP etc. CCK Wame-behave. MCSK ndio hao pia. We finally now are our own. We will no longer need to take odd-jobs to stay afloat. We finally have the green-light to do OUR THING. Our Systems. Our CORE business. Thanks BC, EK, MM, AO and Nzioks.

And so, what needs to be done, you ask.

The list below is my list of my hustlemode modus operandi. It is, in no way, meant to convince or influence what anyone should do for 2012. I am just sharing what my experience has taught me.

IT contests/Developer contests

My personal (As in IddSalim’s only) opinion? Just a waste of time. And this is my opinion. Even my cat has no part in this. Hata sijaconsult my watchman before typing this. I might be wrong, but I see a 2-pronged failure in this setup.

1 – Ni kama KCSE. We used to cram to PASS the exams. Not to UNDERSTAND the contents and get educated. In the developer contents, apps are created to WIN the contest. Not to be sustainable. After the developers win the money, get a few TV interviews and appear on a newspaper or 2, that is it! System kwisha. twendeni Mombasa sasa. Nikiendelea nitaambiwa, ohh, nimetukanana, ohh, sipendani.

2 – The contests are not for the DEVS. The are for the brands.

It is better spending 2 months of your time improving a core product you believe will work and get you traction and coins, than to shoot in the dark for a quickie. That said, IF you have time and the required skillsets, go for it. But never let the fact that you are coding for a contest affact your bottom-line. Sawa?

Grants and Investors

Every year. Same winners. So, why bother? Why try to kiss a lesbian? Again, this is my opinion. Even my cat has no part in this. Hata sijaconsult my watchman before typing this. I might be wrong.

I will not go all gutter-pressy and say that the winners were already pre-determined, but let me say that if you, a USD 200 start-up with a VERY promising app applies for a grant in Kenya, then a Million Dollar company applied, also, THEY will get the funding. Not you. F*ck you and all your bright ideas. Why?

• People without money cannot be trusted with money.
• Success is seen to breeds more success.
• No track-record works against you.

Ironic, isn’t it? You would think these funds were availed to help START-UPS.

Then again, I might be wrong. Na ni Salim amesema. Si wasee wote wa Arsenal.

Wewe unda system yako, isimame poa kama mti (as in tree, acha stori mob) then wasee watakamu na doo. Usisake. Doo ni kama dame. Ukisaka, inaringa na inahepa. Ukiilenga, inajipa.

Doing ‘Your own’ setups

Please don’t do this. You are a start-up, you don’t have all the money in the world. Ama the skillsets. Etc. Partner with solution providers.

• If you need hosting, don’t buy/setup your own Servers. Get a Safcom Cloud. Usianzishe yako.
• If your system requires outgoing bulk SMS, open an account at www.tumasms.com. Usianzishe yako.
• If you need to support Mpesa/CC etc in your App, talk to Moca or PesaPal. Usianzishe yako.
• If you need to be able to have redundant MySQL/Apache instances, talk to Symbiotic. Usianzishe yako.

Vitu simple-simple, na we will make 2012 the stress-free year that we all finally achieve unprecedented mkwanjalization. Na hauko employed. Au sio?

Ni hayo tu mayabuz na waroro.

Back to code.

Wazi.

You decide. The rest is noise.

And here we are, little boys and littler gals. Big boys and big gals. My friends and friendettes. My haters and haterettes. My wannabes and wannabettes.

7 days to end of 2011. My personal success-rate is 45%.

For every 10 things I was involved in, 4 failed. 3 worked 100% and the other 3 are either ongoing or postponed, but not failed.

In each failure, each disappointment, each postponement, I made sure I got a lesson from it. Ofcourse, I could be all Kenyan and be like “Mungu hanipendi” or “Hii no sababu ya Arsenal” or “This happens to everyone” or ‘These deals ni za watu wana connections” or “Ni hawa clients washenzi sana” or any of the 72 commonly-used Kenyan excuses for failing. Alternatively, I could ask myself : “Where did I fail?”. And it is in this question that I found the best answers.

Accepting responsibility. The project failed because of ME. My laziness. My postponing. My lack of focus. Not the delayed payment. Not Safaricom. Not power. Not lack of hot water in the shower. Not that mosquito. Me. And that brings us to lesson 1.

Blame yourself {“always” | “most of the time”}

Always. This will make you push yourself further. Make sure your work is done. And a huge chuck of theirs. I found myself in a project where we were 8 people, working in 3 teams. My team had 2 people. We made sure our work was done. But had nothing to show, still, because our chunk was 40% of the project.

What to do? Wait for teams B and C to finish, lazily and un-interested like they were, or do THEIR part for the common good. We chose the later. We did work for A, B and C. Project worked like a charm. Teams B and C were praised and paid for their part. Me and my team-mate just smiled. But the project was delivered. That is what mattered.

It is easy to say, “tumemaliza part yetu, ni hao wamebaki”. Makes you feel good and fast. These other teams are the weak links. BUT to the project and the client, 40% is not 100%. The client wants 100%. Who did it is irrelevant. Internal team wrangles and delays should be hidden from the client. Blame yourself, even if you are not to blame.

Achana na ball

I remember going to Unix-Guru Kelly’s lair with my Old Dual-Core 4 GB Ram laptop. It had an Arsenal sticker next to the Keyboard. Nice and sleek. “Toa hiyo sticker Salim”, he ordered. I started thinking: “Well, this is Kelly, and I worship him as far as Unix/Linux is concerned. But who the hell does he to think he is, to tell me to remove the Arsenal sticker? My beloved Arsenal.”

“You don’t know how many deals umenyimwa, after a good demo and presentation, just because of that sticker.”, he said. I was enlightened. Arsenal si yetu. It is just a weekend hobby.

Well, call it whatever your silly brain feels like. My team, My identity. This is what/who I am. All that bullshit. But as soon as your wise/business brain wakes up, you will realize that MAYBE, just MAYBE, it was that silly football tweet on Sunday, that made your not get ONE signature on your contract.

For employed people and pussies who do  not use their real names or avis on twitter, this is not an issue. But for a brand and a hustler, it is a BIG issue. Insult Arsenal/Man U/Chelsea once and you will keep wondering why hamshindi grants, why ile contract hai-signiwi. Why kindergarten-code Company X got the deal, and you did not. It is fun to tweet and have a few followers retweet. But the ramifications are far-reaching.

Leave the Dog-fight to the Dogs

It was on a cold Saturday night. I was with Buju driving from Rongai, back to Zimmerman. I received a call from someone who Identified themselves as Robert. He stated that the Rwandese Government was hiring Hackers from Kenya to hack anti-government websites and wanted to know if I was interested. I respectfully declined.

Little did I know that I had created an enemy, by practicing my  right to say NO. The rest is history. Tweets. Blog posts. Matusi. Etc.

And you will notice. Anytime I meet a pest on twitter, arguing about ball, Mac vs PC, Gals vs Vaseline etc, I always let them win, unless we are talking FACTS and NUMBERS. Some people are programmed that once you toa ONE point, they immediately result to insults and get all personal.

I let the dogs do the dog-fight. I am too elite for that. I am Salim.

Clean up as FAST as possible. Make your plate empty.

Out of every 3 small-money and boring projects that I did, I was passed by one BIG and Lucrative project. Lucrative and rewarding in terms of money, exposure, purpose and intellectual challenge.

It is a very sad thing to look at a project, know it will take 4 days of focus to finalize, you tell the client it will take 4 weeks, and then 2 months later, there are some unfinished bits of that system. I will not get into why this happens and how to solve it. It is well talked about here.

Lesson: Give the project the respect it deserves and FINISH it. It will give you the time you need to do the others. Again, if you are GOOD enough, alot of projects will come to you. Don’t assume a project will do itself. get in there and FINISH it.

Only you can do it

This fact cannot be over-emphasized. Only you can decide whether you fail or succeed. Simple as.

I failed in my application for membership at the iHub, and so I will not be going there anymore. Ofcourse, this has pros and cons, but I believe what I will miss in on-site presence will be over-shadowed by what I will gain in productivity. This is a good thing, I think.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Kubalini na hiyo stori iishe, so that we can move on and ameliorate our locus standi.

Haki, why lie? Tuko down kama BJ ya CD. Kaa dance-floor ya Rezorous. Kama mixing ya DJ Joe Mfalme. Acha nisiendelee na examples niambiwe nimetukanana.

Some people I know wamekubali, and working hard to fix this. Some people I know bado wana skills za Adebayor, but wanadhani hao world-class striker.

Cheki. The IT profession is being taken as a con. Projects haziishi. I have been in this situation before. So, I asked myself, “Salim, what is the problem? Is it the money? Is it distractions? Is it skill-level?”. Na sasa I have compiled a list of things we need to do in 2012, to COMMAND some RESPECT in this modafoka.

It is about time all this bullshiite stopped. Na I, personally,  will be a MAJOR player in 2012 in this course.

Hizi ndizo issues.

Psyche/Ability vs Capacity issues: The top, top coders are few. The versatiles ones (msee mnoma graphics + Code + Servers + Networking) are even fewer. So, this types  get ALOT of jobs. The end-product? NONE of the jobs get finished.

Why? Here is why. A project has 3 parts. The easy bit (wireframes, configs), the interesting and challenging (code, DB, unit-tests) bit na the fuckin-boring bit (UAT, training and documentation). Most projects reach a phase where it just BORES the coder. The money is never an issue. Hata kama unalipa msee 200k per week, bado atafika place ashindwe kumaliza. Unakuta project 1 and 2 zimefika boring-phase (i.e. 70% done) na msee ameanza project 3.

Projects zinakuwa kama madem. Wakati project one inanyesha (reaches boring phase), unaanza na 2. The 2 inakuwa tamu sana. Unalenga one. Client ameanza ku-call? But 2 inakusugua poa. One inaanza kupata software-rot. Hata ushasahau what you were coding. Thought process isha-lost. Ukiirudia ni kama unaanza tena.

Solution: Learn the skills on how to finish a BORING project. (or at least the boring bits). Here are some pointers:

• http://learningfundamentals.com.au/blog/5-ways-to-motivate-yourself-to-study-a-boring-subject-andor-complete-a-project/
• http://37signals.com/svn/posts/2623-how-do-you-keep-up-interest-in-a-programming-project
• http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?ProgrammingIsNotFun
• http://www.benchfly.com/blog/am-i-stuck-with-this-boring-project/

Tunaweza na tutafanya vs Tumefanya issues: A client talks through a problem and you can already see the solution. An overview by the client, only gives birth to an overview by the developer. But the devil and all his 72 sluts are in the details. A simple project becomes a night-mare when that SMALL item that you thought uta-google, returns ZERO results and, to the client, is the BACKBONE of the system.

Solution: The assumption that all we need to do is WIN the project quote and we will get a coder to do that, should always be frowned upon. If you have NEVER done a system before for fun, chances are that you will NOT be able to do it for money. Experiment alot with ALL the things a language can do.

Java? Use regexes, XML, RMI, RPC, Hibernate, Spring, J2ME, Android. Experiment. Experiment. Experiment.

PHP? Do OO. Do classes. Do ORM. Do MemCached. Do Regexes. Try Curl, not fopen(url). Try Mysql and Postgres. Experiment. Experiment. Experiment.

So that when the time comes, Umefanya. Si Utafanya.

Mobile vs Web issues: We all know that Manual na Auto driving are different. Any gal worth her salt will tell you that kidole si ulimi. Any investment broker will tell you that shares are not bonds. And that is what we need to respect.

The challenge here is to get deep. Don’t beat around her bushes. Get in there. Know it deep. Kama unafanya Android, understand simple things like the 20-small–individual-image-files vs one-big-image-file network/phone IO considerations. Understand simple technologies like XML, JSON etc. Don’t just re-use googleCode, challenge yourself beyond the project scope. Beyond the money.

Learn to be good. Super good! Always criticize yourself. Not just good enough to finish a project and get paid and laid.

Do a FULL project bila googling or using the manual. Ask a coder you know is good for a copy of their pet projects. Read their code and make love to it. Understand it. Feel it. Know it. Don’t cram it. Challenge yourself to Reiwrite it. That is the ONLY way ya kuwa mnoma.

Expectations:

These done, then we can finally call ourselves “wanoma”. We are super-good, we can code bila googling, we have ‘faced and solved’ any challenge a client can throw our way, we deliver 10 days before due-date. Everytime.

@Buggz79 call this Integrity. @Mmuendo calls it ‘a perfect balance between relations and delivery’, @mbuguanjihia calls it ‘leaving the client speechless’. I call it “kuwa mnoma”.

This is what I will do in 2012. Are you with me?

Back to code.

Wazi.

Noise, is all I hear

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Nimekubali. I will talk about them today basi. Relax kwanza I tuliza this massive erection ndio my literary blood i-flow vipoa. Siwezi type fast nikiwa nime-steady.

Nice. Jimti jimelala.

Last week I talked about the 5 most common types of tweeps in Kenya. My Gawd! Sijui niache kuongea juu ya technology nianze muchene pia, ama? Hits 23k from 1700+ people reading the post. In one day. All I could say, was, thank you.

So, since one bite is never enough, how about tuendelee na the other 5. Sikutaka kutaja some tweep-types since sipendi kujamisha wasee. So leo nita-mention the other 5. Ok, I will just taja 4. The remaining 1 ni fyamiest.

Jana kulikuwa na Ball kali. Team Kubwa Arsenali vs Team Kubwa-for-now, Citeh. {Warning: Man U fans should skip mpaka the Man-uSafe Section in red-Below.} You have been warned. read on at your own emotional risk.

Ofcourse, fans wa Man-Shoga Yawwwnited walikuwa in Maputo town all dressed in their nylon Jerseys, sipping one beer for hours. I thought it was only Kenya where these people are broke fulltime na kuna Jerseys za Nylon za  AIG (Arsenal Is Great) and AON (Another Oblivious Nitwit). After defeating Arsenal’s injury/suspension depleted 3rd 11 8-2 kwao at old trafford, and seeing the BEST first 11 of their cartoon-network team ass-raped 1-6 at home by citeh, they were placing bets on 10-0 or 15-0 win to City. Ohh, how oblivious these nitwits are.

The team with the better goal-keeper won. It was as simple as that. And I congratulate city. Hawakuangukia. Ohhh, No. This team is the real deal for EPL 2011/2012.

One thing that Man Urinal fans have to talk about is that Arsenal have not won anything for 6 years. I always laugh at this, given the fact that Man Urinals under The Wonderful Sir Alex Ferguson went trophyless for 8 (EIGHT) years. Only 1 out of every 13000 Man Urinals glory-hunting yappers know this. Oblivious. Most fans ni wa 2004 onwards, anyway. So you can never blame an idiot for being themselves.

Lastly, most Arsenal fans watch an Arsenal Game on a Sato and on Sunday, they are watching Tennis or F1. Moving on. Diversity baba! On Thursdays, Man U fans are still talking about Rooney venye alifunga last sato. To most, their ONLY source of joy in life ni ball. Sad.

Man-uSafe Zone

Good, Achana na Ball sasa. “Sasa, what are these 4 categories”, you ask.

Type 6 – My whole pride/being depends on Twitter

While in campus, UoN, we used to greet each other as ‘Sema fala’, to which you were expected to respond, ‘poa fala’. We knew nothing is ever that serious. Relax. Have some looseness in you. The same is assumed on twitter. More often than not, when I want someone to follow me, I tell them: “Wewe. Ni-follow ama utajua maana ya gwoko”, and the person knows it is a joke. And follows. And life goes on. And we are all happy.

But there are some few individuals. Anything that does not sound to them like ‘you are the best, tallest and you have the roundest balls’ will be responded to furioso. ‘phucks’ and ‘SOBs’ and ‘go phurqk yourselves’ will follow.

I once posted an article/blog laden with facts about such a fella. And little did I know, that kumbe nimempa kazi. At least I am contributing to the economy.For 8 months, it was all unrelenting research about the last 10 years of my life. Looking for dirt and and anything to smear. Ofcourse, the idiots found nothing. But naaah! That did not stop them. How about we cook some stories. Mention his name. get some hits.

Unless you have balls of steel and clits of diamond, avoid this type. Watakustress.

Type 7: The TL is my Diary crew.

Nimeamka. That toothbrush was so hard. Nasugua magoti. Naosha thighs sasa. Ohh yes, feels so good, smooth and wet. Navaa nguo polepole. Now closing my house. Nimeingia Matt. Dere leo anasmell chlorine. Karao anataka hongo. Nimefika job. Omg I am late. The dude/mamsilla in the next office ana ninii poa. Njaa nayo!! Lunchtime! Nimekula nimeshiba. Acheni niende choo. He! Nimemaliza manze na nahisi nimekonda ghafla. 4 haifiki leo! 4 Imefika! Acha niende home! Nimefika home! Hakuna stima! Fuck! Manzi yangu ananyesha. Fuck! Boyie wangu ako down ki-bed kama IT Skills za graduates wa Strath. Naingia bed sasa! Mattress so hard utadhani elbow ya rooney. Kuna baridi!! Insomnia! I need a life.

Come on. Really?

Type 8: Arsenal/Manchester ni mama yangu

Ok. Sitaongea juu ya Man U. Najua nina mafans huko pia. But I will talk about these tweeps that login only on Tuesday nights and Saturdays (Editor: Ok, Salim Ongeza thursday baba. Kuna teams zinacheza Europa). Ball ndiyo life. Handles zao ni za football team/player name. Kama ni wa Man U, the only thing wanajua ni 8-2. Kama ni wa Arsenali, the only thing wanajua ni 1-6 at home. Kama ni Liverpool, ofcourse, hawajui any.

These tweets are the most re-tweeted disses and insults. Things from hamjashinda 1-trophy-in-6-years to The Mighty Arsenal fans to “mnasupport team haina mwafrika, hata sweeper ama cook, na mnajiita independent” to the fans of the Great Man U.

Type 9: Guru wa Kuanzisha TT

I once heard someone describe herself as a habitual TT starter. Someone who is the FIRST to start a trend like, #ujingaNi or #GoteaHioRisto #justToConfuseMyEnemies. Ofcourse, only one out of every 1000 attempts work, and so, the self-unemployed lot of us at iHub can never be seen doing this, but there are quite a few fellas who have perfected the art.

These fellas have the correct amount and types of wollowers and fall in the category that Malcolm Gladwell refers to as ‘The Mavens’ in The Tipping Point. There are not necessarily the cleverest, etc, but these fellas are influential and anything they start is like a wildfire. Brands should hire them. Politicians WILL hire them in 2012 to their benefits.

Back to Fun. No code leo.

Wazi.

More details on an Internet or a newspaper near you soon.

So, when I reached my hotel and the concierge asked me ‘how my day was’, I was about to tell her that, ‘my day was long, hard but deeply satisfying. Just like my dick’. But my manners logged on and I just smiled and lied. “Meu caminho foi ok. Apenas muitas detrabalho” (My day was ok. Just a lot of work).

And, so, it came to pass. Logged on to twitter and saw some tweets bitching about the latest MediaMadness blog-post. I don’t read the blog, but I decided to go and check. It, seems, apparently, that we can no longer write what we want in our blogs. We must all seek public approval. All blogs are read independently, but judged and discussed by the ‘experts’ on twitter.

And that brings us to today’s topic. (Unaona venye mimi mFyam foreplay? Si sasa uko ready kuingia deep into the types of tweeps?). I have used twitter for a little under one year now. I have seen enough to come up with 5 types of tweeps. Maybe the Twitter Kenyan Faggots’ channel has 2 more types, but we will talk about that later.

Type 1: Sisi ni experts na gods

These are the Kenyan gods. What they say is law. Disagree with them even on the color of water and you will be frowned upon. An outcast. Mjinga. They know everything to do with Finance, Stocks, Banking, Postinor and even pre-mature ejaculation. Some, even try to talk about Technology. Sadly.

You must re-tweet their every mention/tweet and lick their asses twice a day to remain on their good side. This group MUST be greeted every morning, late-morning, lunch-time, afternoon, evening and night. Without your goodnight tweet, they cannot sleep.

They operate in model that has come to be known as #SatchuMode. (Discl: Any resemblance of that # to any tweep handle is purely coincidental). They retweet their every mention, and retweet their every retweet. Mpaka characters ziishe. Then TwitLonger.

This is the type that is followed by 8000+ people, but only follow under 120 people.

Type 2: Twitter ni Facebook

Mostly small, emotionally unstable girls. Everytime their boyfriend cheats on them with an avocado, they will rant on twitter about how life is hard, how LOVE is hard to find and fill our TLs with ‘WHY’s and SOBs.

The second category in this type are the #NP crew. Once in a while, it is cool to share a cool video. But telling us about every-song in your Mix, is so #MKZ.

Type 3: Twitter ni ya Mama yangu

Say ONE word about them and you will face the wrath of Satan herself. This group takes all tweets and mentions personally. They are normally antagonistic and what MMK would describe as ‘attention whores’.

Type 4: Twitter ni Mama Yangu

Long time ago when we were still human, we would run to mamma and cry our little hearts out when things went wrong. Nowadays, it has all changed. ‘I know he is cheating on me’, ‘My left nipple hurts’, ‘She does not like me’. Fuck that shiite. Ever heard of TMI?

Type 5: Twitter ni KiliMangano

Ohh, don’t we all love this? That hot news presenter or celeb that you spent cans of Vaseline thinking about. She is just one tweet away. No need to ask for phone numbers any more.

I once heard someone say: “Kila mtu twitter anamangana na kila mtu twitter”. No better place for faggots to try lines on you than a TL or DM. Juu kama wewe si msee wa Man-United aka BackTackle aka Reverse-Engineering, hutamvunja. Na of-course, after 100 attempts, hawezi kosa mjinga ataweza ku-convinciwa kuwa Maandazi ni Keki.

“Salim, DM, in most cases, ni short for ‘Dinya Mtu’”, she said. I rested my case. Tukaenda out. Nikaenda in.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Nikaona nitadedi.

And, so, when the opportunity to get away from everyone, and STILL do something code-related, presented itself, I took it with open-arms and open-legs. Non-Literal, ofcourse.

So, Friday morning I took a cab from home at 5am and headed to JKIA for my 745am flight. Being, KQ (Kenya Queerways), I knew the departure time was anything between 7:46 am and 11am. And they did not disappoint. The steward on duty ‘fell sick’ and they had to bring a late replacement. They cannot fly without a steward, apparently. Ama ni hostess? Sijui hata. Anyway, the female who stands at the entrance and tells you ‘Seat number 14E, Down, left.’. Ohh, what would we do without her? We would, all, probably end up in the cockpit. We can find our way to JKIA and dress up properly but we need someone to show us where to sit.

And, so we left. Reached Maputo after approximately 3.8 hours. The first thing they check is your yellow-fever documents. Then you go to immigration check if you have a VISA or go to the registration desk if not. I admired their fingerprint Login service they had. No keyboards for login. It costs USD 66 to get a Moz visa. Exactly 66 USD. They refused to serve me and my work-mate because, of-course, being me, all I had were USD 100 notes. So I had to part with USD 140 as a penalty for thinking, even for a moment, that they have change.

Mr Phil picked us from the airport and we left for the hotel. Ofcourse, we saw the Samora Machel round-about ‘grave’ and the various beautiful NEW buildings in the town.

We came to learn that there is a mine-all-you-can deal between the Moz Government and China. Chinese build ‘FREE’ buildings and roads, and can mine ALL they want from Mozambiques rich mine-fields.

Language

There are 3 documented official languages in Moz. Portuguese, Shona and Swahili. Fuck me! Swahili my foot. No one I have met (apart from our nice and ever-smiling hosts) can put together one sentence in English. You are frowned upon when you speak English. Seen as a foreigner. Here to take their money and configure their foreigner-loving females’s drive Cs.

I decided to go and see what a Night-life is like in Maputo. Apart from the Strip-joint street of Bagamoyo lane, the other place Google suggests you go to is ‘Coconut Disco’. Disco? Wtf??

So I decided to go. From my hotel to Coconut was like from Nakumatt Junction to iHub. Or from The Mall to Museum. Sawa? Kama hujaelewa that distance, hamia Nairobi. Fala. The Fare was 300 MT. MT (Meticals) is the official currency of Moz. 28 MT is USD 1. Yes. They have a VERY strong currency here. Na bado tunawacheka. 1 MT is KSHS Pie (22/7 or 3.14).

I reach the club at 10 to the utter surprise of the bouncers and management. Maputo clubbing starts at 11PM. Earliest. That is when clubs open. This must be a bloody Kenyan. They could not understand. Club saa nne ajeaje? So I had to go to some near place and play pool. These fuckers can’t play. And again, they were offended that I could imagine they were stupid enough to speak English. I was put as last in the queue.

Now you see me, Now you don’t

The cost of living in Maputo is 2.5 Times Nairobi. Kila kitu. Prices are Satanic. Entrace to the Coconut lounge was 400 MT. Fanya Hesabu. Over KSHS 1300. But once you enter, you begin to understand why. Especially if you have a ‘swagger’, like yours truly. Sitasema mengi. Usiku ikaisha.

Every single restaurant costs like Tratorria. Hata kama hawana mlango. Menus, road-signs, bar-men, waitresses, Police (eh, acha hiyo story), the concierge. Wote. No one speaks English.

I asked one pulchritudinous (and I am talking about post-cutaneous profundity here) female I had the pleasure of talking to, why this was the case. “If you come here, you MUST speak our language. We will not learn yours.” She said.

Ni hiyvo tu. Sina mengi ya Ku-add. More as I explore?

Back to code.

Wazi.

There are alot of posers who promise a client heaven and end up disappointing the people. This brings a bad name to coders in general.

Jobs start getting sent to India and Sri Lanka. Why? Because the client had ONE bad experience.

S/he said:

next tym write on how investors can notice fake coders and run from them lyk a plague …wanadanganya they can do magic n they cant even do anything…they lie to clients then make guys hate kenyan coders after such experiences…u knw many clients will pay u money to develop something they want,if u cant hack say so early, dont hepa  jus coz the guy is in a high office n cant come get you at the ihub or at some hostel.

Before that, however, I would like to add another type of people coders need to avoid. As Brian Wangila pointed out:

The common one I have met is “You just do this one cheap for me and I’ll refer you to my many big friends”…RUN AWAY VERY FAST!!

I have met quite a number of these. This is commonly referred to as the “You just get one foot inside” crew. Yeah. They they break the foot. The “By the time we are done with you, you will go straight to CMC or DT Dobie” people. These people pretend/claim/purport to know everyone in town. They were either in school with them, hang out with them every week or play golf with them. “He is married to my sisters, half cousin’s nephew”.  You have a system you want to sell to Safaricom? Don’t worry. Bob Collymore is my close friend since childhood. I am Evah’s neighbor. I bought Nzioka a few drinks last week. Run like a hawker after sighting a Kanjo.

Now, back to the lecture at hand.

I speak from personal experience. Being once a coder in distress. Once a hand2mouth coder. Once a code-for-food IT pro. Ask anyone I tried to do a side-project with from 2010 backwards and you will be filled with stories of gloom. I was often described as : “Someone who is very talented, but cannot focus enough to finish a system”.

Ofcourse, alot has changed. But every day, I see young people in the same predicament. The CORE problem is valuation. Of under-valuation, for that matter. Needing to make 120k a month, a coder who under-values his/her worth will take on 4+ jobs in one month, each worth 20k-30k, just to get enough money to cater for their expenses. There is stark reference between this coder and one who will NOT take a small job. Nowadays, I am slowly finding myself doing ONE project for a whole month for, let’s say, USD 2500, Instead of 6 projects for USD 400 each. The 6 will kill you, you will deliver NONE and now, you owe 6 people money you don’t have.

I once had a rich-kid client bring a heavily armed flying-squad team to my place of work because of a USD 1200 owing on a delayed project. It was like a movie. 8-Armed men to arrest Salim. But that is a story for another day. That will NEVER happen again.

I have fewer clients nowadays, but they pay like a modafaka. And I am happy. And the clients are happy. That, I believe, is the way to live.

So, how does an investor/client pin-point a hand2mouth coder.

1 – I/We can do it all

The most common trait is the ‘YES’, ‘YES’, ‘YES’ response. You want a system that has Mobile, MobileWeb, iOS, Android and a J2ME interface? They can do it all. They have not specialized in anything and know a little bit of alot. I am not saying that people who know alot are phony. No. There are people I know who are diverse enough to do the 5 genres above, and more. But they are few and VERY expensive. What should give you a good-night’s sleep is the talk of collaborations. “We can do Web and Mobile, but will partner in our own contractual terms with our Sister/Fellow Company B that will do the Android version”.

This is a statement of acceptance of ones limits and a proof of access to a network of experts and specialists.

2 – They are too young

Ok. Gone are the ‘Kazi kwa vijana, Pesa kwa Wazee’ days. In IT, one can be as good and as awesome at 18, like one at 40. But as a Kenyan coder who has been trained the Kenyan way, there are things you JUST have not been exposed to, and it takes time and age to get the access/experience needed. A 24 year-old who claims to have managed a corporate-grade BSD and NT network, worked with Iso8583 and has mastered the FIX protocol, is a liar. With some exceptions, ofcourse.

My personal belief is that one needs to be at least 30+ years to really KNOW so much as to be able to make a Million Dollar Company in Kenya. You do not have to share this belief. Passion is ageless. I know some people at iHub and NaiLab who are under 30 but have the passion of a 32 year old. But when it comes to recommendation and investments, I will always pick experience and maturity over sheer exuberance and raw bravado much.

3 – It will only take a week

If the time-lines are too good to be true, they probably are. This cannot be overemphasized. A web design job that comes with branding and merchandise cannot take 4 days. A Social-network cannot be built from scratch in 2 weeks. Well, it can be downloaded from the web and painted blue in two days, but most of the times, that is not what you are looking for as a client.

4 – We will do it at half-price

This is the project-hijacker crew. Be wary of a deal that is too good. If a company X has quoted an amount A, then company Y quotes A/2, then maybe Company Y needs the money, more that they want to deliver your project. Think about it.

Nikiendelea nitaambiwa nimetukanana.

Back to code.

Wazi.

I am your best bet.

In my life and times in the Kenyan TechScene (real, tech, not tekemangumi), I have met all kinds of people. All types of naysayers and arm-chair critics. All kinds of cooks and watchmen who think they can speak intelligently about computer network security just because they have 5-year experience in handling the server room Solex keys.

But that is not the topic for this blog post. I am taking 5 minutes of your very busy lives to tell you about 5 types of people you should run away from as fast as possible, only if fleeing is not an option.

1 – The “My young brother is also a coder” crew

I have met countless members of this crew. These are people who are doing you ‘a favor’ by giving you a project. So, they expect you to accept the lowest price for the job. Instead of the 120k you ask for the job, they will want you to accept 15k and, as a bonus, baby-sit their cat for a day, just to show them how much you appreciate their kindness.

I mean, they could have given this system to their brother who is in the US and can do it in a week, but they decided to support local employment and Kazi kwa Vijana by giving you the project that you say will take 6 weeks.

2 – The “I used to code a few years back” gang

If I had a boob for every time I have heard this story, I would have my own Mount TitiManjaro. These are normally old/older people who did 14 lines of Cobol code in 1992 and some HelloWorld Pascal code in a NONAME001.pas file in 1997. Then they decided they are better cooks than coders. Now, they can stand infront of men and women and bleet, “I used to code, nikaacha. Najua Java Kiasi na C prus-prus nusu. Hata najua kuadika SQerr Statemates.”.

They will belittle every use of technology that you employ with the hope that you won’t charge alot. Or at all. #CoderSpirit. Avoid these like a plague.

3 – The “You develop it for FREE then we share on the profits” team

Ok. You know yourself. The 11+ (and counting) people who have approached me with ideas and systems. We discuss the details, discuss the workings and revenue models. Sometimes, I, Stupidly, start the project. Then the question arises, “What’s your budget for the work?”. And they look at me as if I have asked them to lick their elbow. “Salim, this is a BIG project with limitless potential. I can pay you 200k now, or give you 20% shares that will be worth millions once the system gets traction.”. Well, biatch, f**kin pay me!

I have my own dreams. Don’t involve me in yours.

Picture this. You call your landlord and tell him: “Mr Landlord. Sina rent for the next 6 months, but kuna system Noma naunda na once imeiva, then nitakulipa rent ya 5 years. Acha nikae keja for free for now.”. What will the landlord say?

4 – The “I am the genius, you are just a coder” type

This is close to the above. Only they see themselves as master thinkers and strategists. They will want you to drop all you are doing, and ‘take this golden chance join them’. Everything else makes no sense, if it is not from them.

You are just a tool to actualize their awesomeness. All you do is code. Kama si hao, your code means nothing.

Try this for a day. Take away your code, and watch all their BIG ideas turn to vapor. Just like that.

Ideas are like bar-talk about getting laid. Everyone has 1000 of them. But it is Code that changes Ideas to PRODUCTS.

5 – The “Don’t worry about money”

“Wewe chora code. Achana na stori za doo.”, they tell you. Then after work, they drop you at the Matatu stage in their BMW. You have 200 bob in the pocket. You are the coder, without who, the company/partnership will collapse. But you are a coder, right? You code for love. Not money. Clubbing ni ya idlers. Gari ni za masonko. Madem wote ni mapoko. Sio?

Don’t believe that fallacy. If you are not earning over 100k per month as a coder over 22 years, then hauko serious. Money is KEY to your peace. Your happiness. Your productivity. Get the money. I cannot overemphasize this.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Dem speaketh from dem azzes

They say, you can take a rabid Dog to Lodwar, but once it gets fare to Nairobi, it will return as just a tanned rabid dog. Nothing More. And the tan disappears. And then it goes back to it’s rabid ways – Chapa-nese Saying.

The big question, when it comes to online content and freedoms, remains : how do we handle the e-smearers and gutter-press? The perpetual/full-time ones and the seasonal ones (e.g. Next year because of elections).

It is a sad state on the net. I have talked about this before, but I will expound on it a bit, sharing the content’s of today’s meeting. There are over 30, 000 bloggers in Kenya. Yes. It is so easy nowadays that any idiot with a spare KSSH 1000 can open a .com blog in 13 minutes flat. For the broke types, all it takes now is a .ning or a .blogspot domain and BAM!! You have online presence.

But let us get a little analytic. Let us discuss the problem, then possible solutions.

Do a quick google search for any mover or shaker in their space. You will find gutter-press, or as we call them, ‘name-squaraders’ who use these names to drive traffic to their pitiful sites with the hope that GoogleAds will score them some coins. Yours truly has also not been spared.

These people are the online equivalent of muggers. They masquarade as writers and steal your time and intelligence from you, as their readers.

Anything will be smeared. Even KenyansForKenya campaign was smeared. The effort. Leave alone the aftermath.

Election is coming next year and it is sad that among us are 10-dollar hoes and sons of 2-dollar hoes that will get paid by some politicians to spread hate in their anonymous blogs. According to the politicians, these are the voices of youth in Kenya. To the rest of us who have a brain, these are debris at the bottom of the food-chain.

So, we cannot ignore the problem. We can only think of possible solutions.

Possible solutions

Well, there is always the Colombian solution of lead. But then again, being civilized people, we don’t want to make a martyr off a online pest, and so, the need for civilized solutions come.

1 – Legal Solution

The new constitution accords us freedom of speech and expression. It also protects every citizen from defamation, character assassination and false-ful representation. That means, you cannot just wake up one morning, and because hujadishi siku tatu, you write what you feel about someone you wish you were. If you can not get the e-pests to pull down the blog-post, legal systems are here to help. More on this soon.

2 – Positive Content

If for every negative content, there are 9 positive ones on a subject, the weighted mean and the indexing on Google etc would suffocate and lower the rankings of the the negative articles.

3 – Censorship

The KIXP and the ISPs would be great players here. We could easily create a vetting system and if a blog or a blog-post hits a negative sentiment threshold of 30%, it could be blocked, perpetually from an ISP level.

4 – Google Blocking

The Google team (Not referring to Google Kenya here) [see google site for removal] has always expressed willingness to remove from its indexes such content. The domain could be blocked from search indexes, too.

5 – Hacking

Most of the blogs are (duh!) on the web and so, this could be a good option. Last option. Bring down the service. For the broke ones who use .ning and .blogspot, this brings a big challenge. You would not be targeting a WHOLE setup (ning or blogspot), not just a pesky blog. Based on terms and conditions on the service, the service could be contacted and if they fail to bring down the blog, we would use ISP-level censorship to block the domain.

Those are my 3 cents.

Back to code.

Wazi!