Tidbits from Kristen's Guide

Taking a break

2007-06-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Tidbits from Kristen's Guide is taking a break for awhile. I'm not sure how long. The reason: I've got so many projects going on, and I'm trying to cut back on a few things. Check out http://kristensguide.blogspot.com/ to find out when this blog will start up again.

Realizing Your Significance

2007-05-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm often asked, "How do I make myself feel significant?"

My answer, "Realize that you already are significant."

Each of us is significant. The moment you came into existence, you became significant. The universe has changed because you are in it. Wonderful things are happening right now because you are here, even if you don't realize that they are happening. Even your mistakes, even the most heinous mistakes, result in wonderful things over time. (This doesn't mean that you should be proud of unforgivable heinous mistakes, such as abusing somebody, but you can forgive yourself for making them.)

Ways to Realize Your Significance

Write Your Life Resume

Sit down with a blank journal and make a list of everything that you have done in your life, good and bad. Start at the beginning. Go back to your earliest memories and list as many things as you can. (This isn't something you should expect to complete in one sitting. It is an ongoing process. As long as you're alive, there's something to add.)

Next to each item on your list, write down how your actions resulted in something wonderful. Example:

Action: I gave flowers to my secret crush in third grade.
Result: I gave that person an ego boost and possibly helped to boost his/her self-esteem.

Action: I hit my brother, nearly sending him to the hospital, when I was a teenager.
Result: I realized I never wanted to hurt another person again and learned to express my anger in healthier ways. I've tried to encourage others to control their anger, too.

Start Helping Others

If you want a quick way to realize that you are important, do something to help other people. Find an organization that calls to you, and volunteer: schools, an animal shelter, a library, senior centers, hospitals, etc. Offer to provide your professional services completely for free to somebody who needs it and can't afford it. Visit with a lonely neighbor (start by giving cookies or other goodies to every person in your neighborhood, and talk to every person; trust me, you'll find somebody who needs a friend). Mentor a kid who seems to need a bit of guidance (don't be preachy or authoritative, just be a friend). Give out bits of advice whenever you can (I've received some of the best advice from talking to people in grocery stores and at bus stops). Look at, smile at, and compliment strangers frequently (this can even help reduce your chances of being a victim of a crime, but keep your guard up just in case). Adopt a homeless animal (never buy a pet). Adopt a child (take child development and parenting classes first). If you're feeling extra ambitious, start a non-profit organization or start a political career with the intention of changing the world for the better.

The world is in dire need of people who will help others. Be one of them.

Create and Discover

Think about amazing individuals throughout history. Chances are, on your list of amazing historical figures are a few artists, inventors, and explorers, along with the exalted class of people who are known for helping others. Sometimes we remember the creation or discovery more than the person who created or discovered it, but if it weren't for that amazing person, the creation wouldn't exist, and the discovery would go on undiscovered.

Example: Van Gogh. He ultimately believed he was a failure and was financially broke when he died. It wasn't until after his death, when his family discovered his collection of paintings, that he gained fame and wealth from his creations. He felt totally insignificant throughout his life, but he wasn't insignificant at all. He was actually one of the most important figures in the world of modern art. He just didn't know it.

Like Van Gogh, you may be an amazing historical figure and not even know it. Start creating something: art, music, literature, cinema, buildings, gardens, etc. Start inventing something. Start exploring the world, the cosmos. Start discovering (we could use a cure for cancer or perhaps just a cure for procrastination). Let your passion be your guide.

If you are passionate about it, chances are somebody else in the world will be passionate about it too, but don't lose hope if you don't actually get to meet that like-minded passionate person. Maybe they haven't been born yet. Maybe they won't come into this world until after your death. Maybe you won't get the privilege of signing autographs, but perhaps generations of children and adults may adore you as they read about you in history books. Maybe you're just a mind ahead of your time.

Also, don't let your insecurities get in the way. Dare to be brave enough to make mistakes (even Picasso's mistakes sell at auctions).

Is it Clutter or Treasure?

2007-03-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

Take a good look at EVERYTHING you own. Do you own your stuff, or does your stuff own you?

We are brought up in a culture that suggests that "more is more," but we forget to ask "more is more of what?" More time spent cleaning your stuff? More money spent maintaining your stuff? More space for storing your stuff? More work moving your stuff? More anxiety protecting your stuff? All of this stuff clutters our space, our time, and our focus. It drains our energy, our minds, and our savings accounts. The best way to reclaim your time, money, and energy is to get rid of your clutter.

What is clutter?

Anything that's expired
This goes for food, medication, vitamins, old film or batteries, makeup, and anything else that seems perishable or can harbor germs.
Anything you don't want
I'm always surprised when I hear people complain about the stuff they don't want. You do realize that you can get rid of it, don't you?

"But, it was a gift."

It's perfectly fine to get rid of gifts you don't like. If the person who gave it to you comes for a visit and expect to see it or asks about, feel free to fib ("It's getting professionally cleaned." "It broke, and I feel just terrible about it." "A dear deathly-ill friend of ours loved it so much that we gave it to her, so she could enjoy it in her final days."), or just tell them the truth.

"But, we paid so much for it."

Then just think about how much somebody else might be willing to pay for it, and sell it. Even if you don't get as much as you spent on it, at least you'll have more than if you just let it sit in your house or garage.

"But it's worth a lot of money."

Then sell it!

"But, my husband loves it."

Then tell your husband to find a way to make it more tolerable to live with. If it's his favorite chair, get it reupholstered. If it's his favorite twenty-year-old pair of shoes, then it's time to have a talk with him about foot hygiene.

"But, it belonged to my grandmother who is now dead."
Give it to another family member who will cherish it, donate it to a charity or a museum if it's an antique (your grandmother will be honored by your noble deed), or take a picture of it as it was when she gave it to you, so you can put it in a scrapbook, then use your crafting skills to transform it into something you can live with. If you really can't part with it, then honor it by using it; don't just wrap it up in a box and tuck it away.
Anything that doesn't fit
I know you love those pants you wore five years ago, but if you can't fit into them now, they're just taking up space. Help somebody less fortunate than you by donating your old clothes to charity.

"But I'm going to lose weight!"

Well, you are allowed to have a few outfits to inspire you to get to your goal weight, but be warned, just because you will eventually fit into your old clothes again doesn't mean that you'll look good in them. Styles change; don't get stuck in fashion history.

If you have lost weight, get rid of your fat clothes. Keeping them will only encourage you to gain weight again.
Anything that is out of style
This isn't just about clothes. We're talking about home decor, automobile decorations, and so forth.

We're not just talking about what's trendy either. We're talking about your style. Your style is an expression of who you are, what you like, and how you life. Just as you grow and change, your style grows and changes. Stop letting your surroundings reflect the person you use to be and start using your environment to reflect the person you are now.

For some of us, being trendy is our style, but what if you're stuck in the trends of years past? I know you think if you wait ten years it will be all the rage again, but I promise you, if it does come back the style will be just updated enough so that your old dated items just won't fit in. Future styles are "inspired" by previous designs and rarely copied exactly.

The only exception for throwing out out-of-style items is for costume use; throw it in a costume chest for Halloween and those fun theme days at work or school.
Anything you haven't used during the last few years
I know that some professional organizers have the "one year" rule. If you haven't used it in one year then throw it out, but I disagree with this rule. All of us have items that we may not use every year (e.g. snow sleds, surf boards, specialty tools), but that doesn't mean they're junk.
I use the "two year" rule. If you haven't used it in the past two years, you probably won't need it in the next two years. Let it go. Free up that space for something more useful or just for breathing room. If you do need those items in the future rent them or borrow them. If you find yourself renting or borrowing them frequently, then you can consider buying new items.
Anything that needs to be upgraded
One of the beauties of the human race is that we constantly try to improve things. Many times, those improvements can reduce our clutter (or at least the amount of space that our clutter takes up). It may be time to go shopping for an upgrade.

Still using a VHS recorder. It's time to upgrade to DVD, and toss out those old VHS tapes (most of which you probably don't watch anyhow). Purchase your favorite videos on DVD. Transfer your home movies to DVD as well (use your home computer or pay a service to do it for you). DVDs take up much less space than VHS tapes, especially if you take the DVDs out of their cases and put them in a DVD binder. The same goes for audio tapes; upgrade to CDs. If you have a very large music collection or like to listen to your music on the go, switch to MP3s.

Other good examples can be found in your kitchen. Toasters, broilers, and convection ovens have been replaced by small multi-tasking ovens that can cook an entire meal or just a piece of toast with minimal energy and time. Stand mixers have so many attachments that one stand mixer can replace a dozen different small appliances.
Books and magazines you'll probably never read (again)
"I'm going to read it when I find time."

If you really do want to read it, put it on the bookshelf and give yourself a deadline. If you haven't read it by your deadline, donate it to a school, library, or charity.

"But I love that story."

Then read it again, but don't just leave it in a box or on a shelf collecting dust. If you don't read it at least once a year, you probably don't love it as much as you think you do.

"But what if I need to refer to it some day?"
When some day happens, go the library to borrow a copy or get on the Internet and look up updated information rather than referring to data from an old book, magazine, or encyclopedia.
If you find yourself wishing you hadn't gotten rid of that book, magazine, etc. because you're always running to the library to check it out, then buy it again. (But trust me, this happens rarely.)

Is it treasure? Clutter is not...

Anything that belongs in a museum
If you collect antiques, old wine, historical artifacts, etc. then feel free to continue to collect, but treat those items with respect by displaying them for all to see. If you don't have room for all of it, you may be able to loan your collection to a museum (they display it, but you still own it). Take photographs and design a website dedicated to your collection, so everyone can enjoy and learn from them. Don't leave them in a box or let them collect dust.
Anything that has strong sentimental value
You can hang on to these things, but treat them like museum quality items. Don't just leave them in a big box. Put them in a scrapbook or a special display that you can frame and hang on your wall. Set up an entire bookshelf to display your sentimental items (items in cabinets with glass doors require less dusting). Just don't hide them away. Make sure they are accessible so you can appreciate and share them.

Just don't get too overly sentimental. I know people who hang onto everything because they have memories (good and bad) that are associated with every object in their home. It's a nice thought but a nightmare to live in. That's when you have to ask yourself, "am I extremely attached to this ball of yarn that Fluffy, my cat who died ten years ago, played with one time?" Maybe it would be best to just cut a piece of yarn off the ball and put it in a scrap book about dear old Fluffy.
If you can't let go of anything, your problem may be deeper; you may need a psychologist to help you get to the root of your attachments.

I'm still not sure if I should get rid of it

If you can't make up your mind, then don't throw it out yet. Hang onto it and think about it for awhile. Ask yourself if you want to let it go during your next decluttering session. When you're ready to let it go, you will.

Dealing with Conflicting Personalities

2007-03-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

You love them, but your personalities just don't mesh. You frequently argue or get frustrated with each other. Sometimes it's a one-sided feeling of frustration while other times it's mutual.

Your New Mantra: "I can't change other people. I can only control myself."

One of the most difficult things to do when we believe that we are right and others are wrong is to accept that you can't change their minds. Likewise, you can't change their habits, their lifestyle, their addictions, etc. It doesn't matter if you are trying to help them improve their lives, persuade them to take on your political or social views for the good of humanity, teach them about basic concepts, etc. It's easy to let go of conflicts that only happen once in awhile, but what do you do when every day is a struggle, when every conversation is a conflict? What do you do when you dread seeing or talking to this person because you know it's going to end in an argument or belittlement or worse?

The 3 Steps of Dealing with Difficult Persons Gracefully: Understanding, Compassion, and Response

I truly believe that understanding is the root of all happiness. In understanding a person's actions or beliefs, we realize that their actions and beliefs have absolutely nothing to do with us. Once we understand why people do what they do, we are able to have compassion for them.

It is important to note that having compassion for somebody does not mean that you are in any way obligated to fix their problem. Your needs are always the priority in these situations because you can't change other people, you can only control yourself. (Remember your mantra.) You can't meet their needs for them. They must learn to meet their needs themselves. Likewise, you must meet your own needs yourself, and if you spent all of your time and energy trying to fix somebody else's problems, you would never have time and energy to meet your own needs.

Finally there is the response. How do you respond to "difficult" people? It often depends on the situation.

Situation: Your family is giving you a hard time about a choice that you have made for your life (job, money, partner, etc.), and they're criticizing you.

Understanding: "They are trying to help me. They just aren't doing it in a very effective way."
Compassion: "It's too bad they don't see that I'm happy with the choices that I've made."
Response: "Well, thank you for being concerned about me." No further explanation is necessary.
Situation: A friend of yours is very demanding and always seems to want your attention, causing you to feel simply drained after every encounter.

Understanding: "She has self-esteem issues and feels like she needs to have attention to feel important. She thinks that I'm important, so my attention is important to her."
Compassion: "It's too bad she doesn't realize that she is important even when nobody is paying attention to her."
Response: "Oh, I have some important things I have to do, so we'll need to get together some other time." There is no need to explain what you need to do.
Situation: Somebody insults you. (It doesn't matter what the insult is.)

Understanding: "They are simply projecting their own beliefs about the world on me."
Compassion: "It's too bad they have such a limited view of the world. There are so many wonderful things that they could bring into their lives if they just opened their hearts and minds to all of the good things that are a part of diversity."
Response: "OK" or "Interesting" or "I disagree." There is no need to respond to insults any further than that. They don't any further response. Someone who is insulting wouldn't listen to your response anyhow and would just prefer to argue. Simply acknowledgs that you heard what the other person was saying. Then remove yourself from the situation (end the conversation, hang up the phone, leave the room, etc.).

Making More Space and Getting Your Distance

Sometimes, the only way to deal with the situation is to avoid it in the first place by avoiding contact with the difficult person.

You can easily create some distance (most of the time) by having "other obligations" much of the time. You don't have to say "I don't want to see you or talk to you as much." You just need to let them know that you do have other things to do, responsibilities, obligations, etc., and you need to spend more time focusing on those things.

If you live with this difficult person, you may want to consider moving out. If moving out is not an option, you may need to find activities away from the person. Joining a class, volunteering somewhere, etc. will get you out of the house. Even working in the yard every day can help (assuming that the person doesn't say, "Great! I'll go with you" because then you'll have to come up with plan B).

Getting Professional Counseling

In some situations, you may need to work with a professional counselor to figure out how to heal the relationship. Couples counseling, group counseling, family counseling, etc. are perfect for getting everyone together to talk about problems in a constructive way.

(If you believe this difficult person has a mental illness or some other mental problem that requires professional help, you can send a letter to his/her doctor and find out what mental health resources are available in your area to address the problem, but you cannot force an adult into treatment if he/she is not a danger to himself or others and is considered mentally competent.)

If the difficult person refuses to go to counseling with you, or if the person is a customer, co-worker, neighbor, etc. (let's face it, we don't ask our customers to come to counseling with us), don't rule out counseling as an option. You can still make great strides by attending counseling by yourself.

Ending the Relationship

Typically, you'll want to make an effort to find out if an official breakup is absolutely necessary, especially if this difficult person is a family member. In my experience, and in talking to others, I have learned that a one-on-one conversation is often the best way to determine if the relationship can heal and continue or must come to an end. A professional counseling can also help you make the decision. If a relationship clearly can't continue in a healthy way, then a breakup may be necessary.

(There is one exception to the breakup option: if the difficult person is a child under your care or a child related to you, you do have an obligation to continue the relationship, to continue to reach out to that child. Ending a relationship with a child is equivalent to giving-up on that child. No one should ever give up on a child. Seek professional counseling instead.)

Don't Feel Guilty

The most important thing to remind yourself is that it's all right to avoid the difficult person. It's all right to end the relationship. You shouldn't have to force yourself to deal with a person who brings unnecessary stress and unhappiness to your life.

Likewise, don't feel guilty about not being able to fix the situation. Remember, you can't fix other people. The best you can do is give them an inspiring self-help book and the name of a good counselor. Then leave it to them to take the necessary steps to help themselves.

Meanwhile, you should focus on helping yourself regain balance, well-being, and happiness.

Ways to Stay Motivated to Lose Weight

2007-03-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

You know the reasons why you should lose weight, but how can you stay motivated once you start your new healthy lifestyle?

Sign a Contract with Yourself

I know it sounds silly but there's something about writing it down on paper: "I promise myself that I will exercise 30 minutes a day. I will eat more fruits, veggies, and whole grains. I will limit the fat and sugar that I eat. I will stop drinking soda every day. I will reach a healthy goal weight. Etc." It just makes you feel like, this time, it's going to be different. This time, you're serious.

Join a Support Group

You can join my online support group, ChubbyBuddies at Yahoo Groups, or find another one, either online or in person. It's nice to know that other people out there are going through this at struggle too. You can get tips from them, whine to them, brag to them, and give them support too. It makes you feel needed and loved.

Keep a Journal

When I'm lacking motivation, reading through old journal entries can often remind me how far I've come and give me the confidence to keep going.

Focus on Little Goals

I want to lose 100 lbs. is hardly a little goal. Instead, focus on losing just 1 lb. If I lose 1 lb. I've succeeded. Likewise, focus on exercising for just 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. rather than running a marathon. It's the little goals that make the real difference.

Take Before and After Photos

Photos are amazing. I make sure to take lots of photos of my and my family, and I look at them daily. It's nice to see a photo and remember back to when I had a triple chin and know that I don't have one now. It's also nice to take those front-view and side-view photos in my underwear. The first ones motivated me just out of pure shame. Seeing my progress, though, has helped me realize how much better I look today and how much better I'll look tomorrow.

Read Your Labels

When I'm drooling over my favorite junk food at the grocery store, motivation is often just one glance away. I read the label. Most of the time, the number of calories, fat grams, or sugar grams is enough to put me into shock, and suddenly, I'm not so hungry for it anymore.

Lie to Yourself

I know you weren't an athletic person last year or yesterday or even 10 minutes ago, but right now, at this moment, you can become an athletic person. Just lie to yourself. Say it out loud, "I'm an athletic person." Now, let's think about this. What do athletic people do? What are their lifestyles like?
Now it's time to live the lie. Start acting like an athletic person. Lie to yourself every morning, "I'm athletic. I'm athletic." Then get up and start your workout and your new athletic lifestyle. Eventually, you'll start to believe it, and you can brag to others about your athletic life.

Tell People

Tell your family. Tell your friends. Start a website, and tell total strangers. It's amazing how publicity can be motivating. There's something about knowing that people are expecting you to drop a few pounds that makes you want to reach that goal.

Reward Yourself with New Clothes

For me, the reward comes with the loss of every 10 lbs. Lose 10 lbs., buy something to wear. You don't have to buy a new wardrobe. Just buy an outfit or two. Clothing is not just a reward. It's highly motivating to see the size on the tag. Every time you drop a size, you can beam with pride. When you finally move from the fat sizes section to the regular sizes section, you
can throw a party. (Don't forget to buy some new shoes too.)

Reward Yourself with Food

Surely this must be a mistake! Actually, you can reward yourself with food by learning how to cook healthy, delicious, gourmet food rather than gorging on unhealthy foods that taste good but not great. For dinner, skip your favorite fast food place, and head to your kitchen with some fresh quality ingredients and a good cookbook. Fix yourself an amazing meal, something special, and don't forget the dessert. You'll never want to reward yourself with junk food again.

Avoid People Who Discourage You

If you can avoid them, do it. If you can't, at least talk to them about how their attitudes are affecting your progress. Be honest. It can be tough, especially when Grandma is making you feel guilty about not eating a pound of her homemade cookies, but be firm. Just standing up to such people will give you a new sense of confidence that you can use to keep you on track to meet your goals.

Weigh Yourself at Least Weekly

I actually do this every day. Getting on that scale and seeing the numbers jump up or down is a quick way to remind myself to stay on track. I highly recommend getting a digital scale, so you can see the fraction of a pound you're gaining or losing daily.

Measure Yourself Monthly

I keep a log of my measurements, and every month (or sometimes every other month) I measure myself (e.g. neck, upper arms, forearms, wrists, chest, waist, hips, thighs, calves, etc.). It's certainly nice to see my log of number progressively getting smaller.

Make Plans to See Your Old Friends in 1 Year

Set a date 1 year from now. Call your old friends and tell them when you're going to visit them. Make plans. Now you have a deadline. Now you have a reason to lose weight and look good. Impress them.

Promise Yourself Something BIG

You know how you have that list of things you wish you could do... someday. Well, guess what! When you reach your goal weight, you get to do one of those things. Pick one: travel to another country, go on a cruise, get cosmetic surgery, or buy something you've always wanted. Of course, you'll need to save up some money to do this as well (unless you feel comfortable with putting it on credit), but it's worth it. You get healthy, you look good, and you get to cross
something of of your dream to-do list.