I have a few things I would like to share with others who are thinking of going down that path.

First of all, please do not expect perfection. We have done horrible things to our skin over the years of being obese and we just aren’t going to be able to achieve perfection. It’s a nice thought and it’s fun to look at our Victoria Secret’s catalogs and imagine being on the next cover. Hey, I’m getting new boobies and a tummy tuck - I bet I’ll look amazing! This may not be the case. BUT let me venture down this path with you - YOU will look improved. You will have scars, some of us deal with worse scars than others, but we all have them. I am one of the unlucky ones who scars very poorly. BUT I don’t regret my Tummy Tuck at all. Perfection, not, improvement, absolutely! AND I can honestly with all of my heart say that I have no problem trading these scars for the excess skin!

Secondly, be prepared to have some sort of depression. I’m not talking about major depression. However, I am talking about some form of sadness. I cried the night I returned home and to be quite honest with you, I had no idea why. I was exhausted, swollen and alone. I cried and cried. As I sat on my bed feeling not like myself - (that doesn’t mean I missed my sagging tummy and batwings - I did NOT!) my phone rang and it was my bestfriend. She called right at the right time. I tried to sound strong and not cry, but when she asked how I was feeling the flood gates opened. She offered to come and stay with me, but I insisted I would be fine after sleeping. I was, but I realized that I was sad and remained sad for many days and weeks following. I am not alone and it’s something many of us who have had plastics discuss. It’s odd, really. We have worked so hard to lose the weight, we have achieved our goals and now we have had plastic surgery to improve our deflated bodies - how can we be sad? I think part of our depression comes from the limits we have set upon us for activities. We are demanded to rest and we are forced to ask others to help us with just about everything. I had to call my friend, R. to come over and just stay in my condo while I showered. I had a bad habit of getting faint when I showered. I think it had something to do with the removal of that extremely snug compression garment - just prior to showering. I had to ask her to reach up high and get me things - I had to ask her to help me squeeze back into my garment. I had to be vunerable. I was in need. I think that can make us depressed. I think also the meds we take for pain management can cause some depression. My surgeon didn’t use a general anesthesia, so I can’t say it was caused by that, but I was placed on antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory. Thankfully, I didn’t have problems with post-op constipation like many others have - this can be a major problem post surgery. Any surgery, actually can cause major constipation. Don’t let it get out of control. I ate a lot of fruit in Mexico and I think that might have helped. I do know others who had to make late night visits to the ER to have a little help with impactions. That would certainly cause me depression. You just won’t feel well.

Lastly, SWELLING! Evil Evil and more evil than you can imagine! Post plastic surgery swelling. We all discuss it but do we really think it will happen to us? NOT! I think it all depends on how much you had removed - as to how long you will swell and to what extent. Think about it for a moment, won’t you? You had massive amounts of excess skin for many years (if you’re like me) that allowed your body all kinds of circulation. All of a sudden it’s gone. Your body has to now search for collateral circulation. I am almost 6 months post op and I still swell. This is not all that uncommon, but it is very individualized. This can also cause depression because we may have dreamed of being in a much smaller size - and with the swelling, we may be wearing a much larger size. This can really mess with your head when you’ve been obese and worked hard to lose weight.

I am happy with my postop body. I am planning my next phase to happen in the fall. I know now what to expect and I hope that it doesn’t hit me as hard.

Any questions, just let me know! I’m not an expert, but I have been there - done that - and I have a much flatter tummy and arms that don’t continue waving long after I’ve said good-bye!

I often wonder if I am the only one dealing with these thoughts, but I am sure I am not. Many obese women feel they have to be so strong and keep their feelings to themselves. IT’s not true. I don’t think we need to discuss our thoughts with everyone - but if we have someone we love and trust, we should feel able to open up to them. It’s sad, however, that we feel our thoughts and our needs are not always important.

I wish you good luck on your journey!
dee~

I thought about my inner scars. The scars that come with living a life of being the outcast of society. The scars that come from hearing even your loved ones tell you that they are ashamed of you. I guess they didn’t realize when you’re obese, no one can be more ashamed of you - than you are of yourself. We are the ones who wake up every morning and face that round face and fluffy body in the mirror. Perhaps we could live with the visual but it’s the scars that come with being verbally assaulted each time we left our homes or worse yet, being verbally assaulted in our own homes that last a life time.

I wondered if there were silicone strips that could take those inner scars and lighten them. I have often felt that true love can heal anything. True love can perform miracles. This is very true. What would happen if a person like myself found someone who looked upon me with eyes of love and not eyes of judgment? What if that same man was sincerely in love with me - not for my sad and very unattractive body, but for the heart that kept my very blood pumping? Would that love lighted my scars? Would that love make me love myself again?

I don’t really mind the scars on the outer surface of my body. Don’t get me wrong, I do wish I didn’t have them. I wish I had never gained so much weight and I wish my body didn’t show the years of abuse. But it does and the scars that I receive from plastic surgery reconstruction - well in my mind are worth it. I will never be perfect, but I will be improved.

My heart will never be perfect, but I believe with lots of true love and acceptance - it WILL be improved.

Surely, true love is a miracle.

I am so close, I can taste it - no pun intended. Absolutely no pun intended! I’ve been trying to stay on track and follow my own rules of eating right and working out. It hasn’t been easy lately. Life gets in the way sometimes and the best laid plans of mice and formerly obese women in their 40’s - don’t always happen.

It’s okay, I remain undaunted. A bit weary at times and very anxious to start maintenance, but alas undaunted.

I realized a long time ago, the journey is the adventure it’s not the destination. (also another entry from the past) — it’s living the life day to day and learning with each new day how to make things happen in the way they should. It’s accepting the things I cannot change and changing those I can. It’s forming new habits to replace the old - tired and very worn out ones that got me to where I was. It’s finding my happiness in the simple things that have brought me good health. Whether it’s reaching that milestone or increasing the intensity of a workout and finding that I still need to go further to reach my 10. It’s finding a new recipe for an old favorite - a new and healthier version that will feed my body and not my hips. It’s looking in the mirror and feeling pleased with the face that looks back. It’s realizing that I am a good person - not because of what the scale says, but because I have gone that extra mile to do something nice for someone - out of the goodness in my heart and not for what I will receive in return. Perhaps it’s going an entire day and not degrading myself with toxic thoughts or remarks about how bad my newly deflated body looks.

The finish line hasn’t moved. It’s me - a bit impatient, a bit exhausted and very anxious who just sees it in the far off distance.

I’ll get there - one bite at a time…

I guess, I’m a little different in my thinking than most WLS patients, but since reaching my 100lbs loss, after getting my LapBand - I’ve been trying to learn to live without my Band. I had a lot of guilt feelings related to getting the LapBand. I knew others felt that I could have done this on my own, BUT now after two years of being the owner of a 14ml AP Band - I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have made it this far without it. I see friends who have lost large amounts of weight within the last couple of years who have all gained it back and more. This makes me very sad for them. They did it on their own - and I was proud of them. I was envious of them and I appaulded their efforts and success. I still appauld their success, but I also mourn their failure. I don’t view them as failures, I view them as human. As real life people with an addiction to food. I am sad. I know that addiction well. And because of that addiction, I knew I had to take the drastic measure of getting a LapBand to get to my goal. It worked and I have been successful, But in the “getting” - the “journey” I learned about myself. I learned why I overate and when. I learned that I am addicted and I learned that I can and will be able to keep this weight off this time.
I know as a nurse, I start our discharge planning the day my patient is admitted. I started my life plan - the day I got the Band. I needed to learn how to eat and live my life - with and without the Band. Somehow evern from the beginning, I believed I couldn’t rely on the band to keep my weight off for the rest of my life. I had to learn how to make good choices - not because those choices were right, BUT because I DESERVED those good choices. I deserve to be healthy and happy and normal. I deserve to love myself because I am lovely. Inside first and foremost and outside finally.

Life goes on… with or without the LapBand, I am ready to live my life.
One day at a time - one bite at a time - one step forward, never stepping backward,
it’s my time!

(I invite others with the LapBand to start now to learn how to live as if the LapBand wasn’t present. Make choices because they are good and sound choices, not because the LapBand demands them. — You deserve to be good to yourself! Now is the time!)

Lots has happened with my weight loss experience.  I have lost quite a bit more weight post plastics.  I had read after returning that if you have a lot to lose pre plastics - your metabolism will “kick into gear” post plastics and help you lose a bit without much effort.  I found this to be true in my case.  The weight seemed to melt off of me.  I can now proudly say that I AM NOT THE FATTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM!  Yippie! 

I am complimented daily by people I  haven’t seen in a while.  I hear people say things like, “Hey Skinny and Wow you have lost so much I don’t recognize you!”  I know they are just really good liars, but perhaps, there is some truth to their comments, that I just don’t want to believe.  I see myself in the mirror and am shocked often times.  I am noticing that clothes fit me and I actually feel good about showing my new figure off.  It’s fun to put on a lacy bra with matching undies and wear them when I’m just making a simple trip out.  Only I know how sexy I look underneath my clothes - clothes that now unfortunately appear too large.  But there is a sweetness knowing that I am wearing something sexy underneath.  Perhaps, only a woman like me could appreciate that.  Perhaps not. 

I’ve noticed that now that my tummy isn’t so “long” - (for lack of a better word) and it’s flat - I can pull my pants up where they belong AND all of the pants are too short.  It’s a real bummer!  I’ve even had several people tell me, “I never realized you were so tall.”  Hmmm, an optical illusion?  When you’re as wide as I was, maybe it looked like I was much shorter than I was.  I don’t know, but I know I will have to purchase the Tall version of pants from now on.  I’m not sure what my inseam is - it’s one measurement I haven’t taken, but maybe I should.  I’ve measured everything else!  Argh!  BTW my head hasn’t shrunk a bit!  Still as big as ever!  BUT with the smaller version of my body - my head appears even more ginormous!  Another optical illusion?  “Hey does this body make my head look big?”  “Only as big as it is!!!” 

I remember my daughter asking her father once when she was 13 years old - “Pops do these pants make my butt look big?”  Most men know they have to tread lightly on this one - it’s a land mine out there when that question is asked - but her father - he just responded with ease - “the pants make your butt look only as big as it is.”  Yikes!  I thought I’ve got to teach this man how to respond. 

So just recently I emailed  him my current picture and asked him, “Does this body make my head look big?”  He called me and said, “I think  you look beautiful.”  Wow!  Who would have thought that response was coming? Not me!

After losing massive amounts of weight - do we see what others see?  Did I think I looked beautiful in that silly picture?  No, I did, however, think my boobs looked larger than usual.  And I certainly felt my head was ginormous, BUT beautiful, NOT.  Do I or will I ever see myself as beautiful or skinny?  I long for that day.  I crave it.  My yearnings are palpable!  I want to be skinny and beautiful .  Why?  How did I go from wanting to be a healthy - normal weight to wanting to be skinny and beautiful?  Does one equal the other?  If I’m skinny does that mean I’m beautiful?  If I’m beautiful does that mean I must be skinny?

Seriously, in my mind - one does not equal the other.  Yes, I would love to be considered beautiful - especially after my recent heartbreak - I’d like to not feel ugly and fat.  But I will forever, believe that beauty comes from the inside.  It’s the sweetness that the person offers life.  It’s the kindness of a man or a woman who thinks of others first and themselves second.  It’s the love of a good and decent human being who will lend a  hand to help another carry their heavy load.  For me, that is true beauty.  And whether that person is fluffy or not so fluffy - they are truly lovely. 

Taking that into consideration - do we see what others see?

 The first phase is coming early for me.  I haven’t reached goal yet and still I was planning plastics. 

I’m an avid swimmer and cyclist and my panni was very big and very heavy.  My arms were not only an eye sore (which I could have lived with - until reaching goal) but they were hindering my swimming. 

I left Denver at 10am.  Arriving at the airport at just minutes before 745am.  I stood in the American Airlines line waiting to check my bags.  Bags filled to the top with stuff, I felt I’d need for my two week visit to this foreign country.  A city I’ve never been to meet a surgeon, I’ve only communicated with via email and telephone.  As I went through the motions of passing through security and finding my gate, I fought back any anxiety that was lurking just underneath my emotional surface.  I wanted this, I have planned for this trip since June.  On July 3rd, I disrobed and had my daughter take very unattractive pictures of me in my undies to send to this surgeon.  A surgeon who had come highly recommended to me by several other WLS patients.  I had seen the results of his work and I was impressed.  I contacted him and he asked for 4 pictures, front - back, both sides.  I didn’t hear back from him for a day or so, I knew he most certainly had scratched his eyes out and had run for the mountains that surround Monterrey city.  A day and a half later he wrote and stated, he could do a Tummy Tuck and Brachioplasty and he gave me his price and his requirements for stay.  His website said, “if the price was greater than $6K, he would pay for my flight up to $600.00 and pay for my hotel for the entire required stay.  He said, I would need to stay for 12 days.   The plan started and I got the time off from work with FMLA and short term disability.

I arrived in Monterrey around 340pm Mexico time.  As I passed through customs I peeked through the door that was ajar and I saw Dr. Sauceda standing there.  After finishing, I met him and he gave me a hug and kiss on each cheek.  We took the 45 min drive to the hotel and he checked me in.  As we drove I asked him how WLS patients differ from other plastic surgery patients in reference to their expectations with surgery.  He stated several times that we as WLS patients, don’t expect perfection.  We only expect improvement.  He stated, he never claims to give perfection.  He only offers improvements. 

Once I was checked, he left to return in 45 mins for my preop markings.  I showered knowing that I wouldn’t be able to shower once I was marked.  I had to hurry because I wanted to wash my hair and be ready on time.  The markings took about 2 hours.  He was in a trance, totally focused on what he would be doing to change my body forever.  I had questions for him about my future procedures.  My thighs are pretty bad right now - and I know that after losing my last 100lbs, they will be much worse.  He wasn’t daunted and felt that I could have a good result once I met my goal.  I once again made sure that he would raise my Mons area.  I didn’t want a flat tummy and the “old mons.”  He assured me he would raise it.  He was willing to answer all of my questions.  He took his time and asked me several times if I had any further concerns or requests.  He wanted to make sure we were both on the same page and he was understanding my expectations and I was understanding his plan for my surgery. 

He returned me to the hotel and I had a bite to eat at the hotel’s happy hour and then went to my room to rest.  As I stood in my undies in front of the room’s full mirror, I looked at my body knowing this would be the last time, I would ever look that way.  How many times I have seen that large panni and big bat wings and wished they would disappear.  This was real, it was really going to happen now and I had all the blue ink markings to prove it! 

I slept short and sweet.  Dressed and met Dr. Sauceda in the lobby at 7am.  I had stopped all water/food after 10pm as required for surgery.  I wasn’t hungry, I was excited.  I just wanted to get started.

We arrived at the hospital, I filled out some papers and then put my valuables in a locker.  Dr Sauceda put my suitcases in a locked office and then I dressed for the OR.  Cap, booties, open gown… anesthesiology put my IV in with one quick and painfree attempt and I walked to the OR.  Once in the OR, I stood as the nurse washed my entire body - from neck to feet with betadine.  Talk about a humiliating time.  It was not fun.  After, I laid on the OR table and fell asleep.  The epidural was put in as I drifted off to sleep.  The next thing I remember was waking up as Dr. Sauceda and his assistant were putting my compression garment on.  I spent 8.5 hours  in surgery.  He repaired a hernia we didn’t know I had and I got the procedures I planned.   I spent 2 hours in recovery and then went to my room.  It was a clean room with a leather love seat and a private bathroom and shower.   A sink and closet on one side and a flat screen TV. 

I feel things went well at the hospital. I stayed 3 nights.  I didn’t eat or drink until the next day.  I started with some juice and water and then some fruit.  While at the hospital/clinic (they only have 4 rooms for his plastic surgery patients) you order your meals from a menu for a restaurant that is in town.  I thought the food was good.  A little different, but good.  I found an excellent pasta dish and great orange pancakes.  I wasn’t used to eating large volumes so the pancakes took me three days to finish.  The chef called me confused that I only ordered peanut butter for breakfast.  I wanted to eat those pancakes.  Everyone thought I was insane for not just ordering fresh ones.  These were light and fluffy with a bit of orange zest.  Very yummy!  (see I am a true former fat-girl here I’ve written an entire paragraph on food)

On Saturday night after Dr. Sauceda finished his surgery - he came and took me to the hotel.  I was with one of the other surgical patient’s Mom, Wanda.  She was great and had helped me set up my wireless connection while at the clinic.  Her daughter had surgery the day before and Wanda was staying at the hotel. 

We checked in and Dr. Sauceda put my luggage on the bed so that I could reach my stuff. He helped prepare the room for me since I would be there alone until the following Tuesday.  With the Brachioplasty, I couldn’t lift my arms very high and with my Tummy Tuck, I could lift more than 5 lbs.  

My time went quickly while at the hotel.  It seems now that it flew.  Each day, I woke at 8am and prepared for my shower - Patty, one of Dr. Sauceda’s nurses came every morning and helped me shower, change my dressings and squeeze me back into my compression garments.  The compression garments are a necessary evil.  I’m still amazed at what kind of material holds all of that swelling in so well.  Each day, I did a little more and was able to prepare for my trip home.  We (the other patients and I) walked to the market for food and water almost everyday.  We spent 3 hours (which was a bit too long) at the Galeria Mall on our last Friday there.  I bought a beautiful little swimsuit.  

I had all but one of my drains removed as they were appropriately putting out less and less fluid.  I had one drain left for home.  My tummy sutures were removed and my arm sutures had to remain.  I had most likely put too much neosporin on my arms and not allowed them to heal as well as my tummy had. 

The flight home at 13 days postop went well.  Thank God I had a friend with me and I had asked for a wheelchair.  Going through customs in Dallas was a breeze with my friend and the wheelchair escort.  I can’t imagine doing that by myself.  When we arrived in Denver, there wasn’t enough wheelchairs to go around, so I walked.  I was pretty exhausted when I finally arrived home.

So here I am - almost 4 weeks post op and feeling pretty good.  I’m still swelling, which is normal and I have a seroma which is pretty common.  I’m resting at home and trying to continue eating my increased protein to help with healing.  God has been good.  I feel well and haven’t had any real problems.

Any questions, I’d be happy to answer.  Dr. Sauceda is an artist.  My incisions are thin, smooth and clean.  I’m very pleased with his work.

Here is his website medicaltourism.com.mx - Home   His prices listed there are for individual procedures.  If you combine procedures you will get a big discount.  I’m saving my money now for the rest of my procedures.  I hope to return in the fall.

The transformation continues…..

For almost two years I’ve logged every calorie consumed - which doesn’t always mean I was good at keeping my calories within my budgeted amount.  Often times, unfortunately, I am sad to admit, I was overbudget. 

The LapBand doesn’t control what I eat, necessarily, with the exception of really really dry proteins!  Ouch!  If I chew slowly and I take those smaller bites, I can eat most foods.  Actually, the foods that go down the easiest are the foods that are the worst for me.  Cookies and chips are my slider foods.  I can’t be in the same room with a tortilla chip.  And cookies and I - well, we go way back.  We’ve been best buds for years. (or not!)

Recently, I had to cancel attending a party because it was going to be held at a Mexican resturant that serves the most amazing, fresh hot tortilla chips.  I knew I would have absolutely no strength to withstand that temptation.  (it was that time of the month when the hormones scream for the salty enemy)

Not far from my work there is a little place called, “The Cookie Company.”  They have these amazing cookies.  They taste like granola baked into the form of a cookie.  A really big cookie!  They make them all day long, they are hot and soft and yummy!  Everytime I’m on the freeway and I pass that exit, I have to use all of my power to not exit and drive directly to that little joint.

So why am I posting this?  Not to make your mouth water, but to say, we are all human.  We all have cravings.  We all have certain foods that tempt us beyond belief.  I often wondered if thin people had those same cravings.  Maybe not for chips and fresh, hot, soft cookies, but for anything.  Do they go through life avoiding the foods that drive them nuts?  (oh Nuts!  I love Nuts too!) 

If you looked at their waistlines, you might think they never eat anything besides fruit, veggies and lean proteins.  You might just assume they have more strength than Superman or Wonder Woman. 

Perhaps, they do.  OR perhaps, they don’t make a regular diet of giving into their cravings.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that every thin person is really good at avoiding all the bad foods.  I have friends who eat their weight in goodies and never gain a pound.  Those people are just extremely fortunate and I secretly hate them!  (not really, but I do envy them!) 

I readily admit that during my fluffy years (I’m going to refer to my past M.O. life that way now. “the fluffy years”)  I often did make bad foods my steady diet.  Why? Well, I always had this, “manana” attitude.  “I’ll eat today because I’m starting that ultimate diet tomorrow.”  Usually, the diet was supposed to commence on Monday.  Usually it did not.  But often times, I felt I better enjoy my meals because I was sure to be starving as soon as Monday rolled around.  Did I?  No, most likely I never did reach the starving stage -  actually pretty sure I never did - I had a BMI of 65 afterall. 

So what has changed in my thinking now that will keep me from gaining all the weight I’ve lost and keep me on the losing track?  My new motto - Want It?  Take It!  but OWN IT!  Log it!  Write it down!  Admit it!  AND then make up for it by decreasing your calories later in the day or increasing your workout.  If I want a cookie, I eat half of it and I log it!  I count my chips if I want to eat chips.  I know, I know that sounds obsessive, BUT did you know that a full serving of chips is only 14?  14 chips!  Count them!  How many of us sit down and eat 14 chips?  Not me!  But I do now.  AND if I decide I want more.  I count out another 7 and log in 1.5 servings of chips. 

What about the rest of my life?  If I see something I want, do I take it?  Do I then own the decision, whether good or bad? 

I’m going to Mexico for my plastic surgery.  Many may think I’m not thinking this one through.  Perhaps, they are not right.  But after losing the weight I’ve lost, I know I will never have the money to have all of my surgery done in the US.  However, I must be quite honest in saying, I did NOT choose Mexico because of the price.  I chose Mexico because of the surgeon.  I have several friends who have had many procedures done by him and they look amazing.  His incisions are straight, they are done in a manner in which they can be hidden by regular clothing and lastly, he is an artist.  He takes hours marking a new patient prior to surgery.  Hours!  It’s important to him that you’re happy with your result.  He’s realistic and admits perfection is not possible for someone who has lost a lot of weight and has a lot of excess skin, but improvement is.  I also chose him because he specializes in plastic surgery of the WLS patient.  We are a different breed.  Our skin has been stretched beyond normal and it needs to be handled differently.  I made my choice, I saw his work, I wanted it, I took it and now my friends I’m going to own it.  Good or bad, I’m hoping and praying for good, I own my decision. 

My journey to good health continues and I’ve reaped quite a few benefits since starting January 29, 2008.  My cholesterol studies are remarkable.  Even on Lipitor, I was not able to get such excellent values.  There are so many NSV’s I can’t even begin to mention them all. 

I guess, the best part is the feeling of being accepted.  I flew out of town last month and as I was sitting in the window seat, I was amazed that someone asked to sit in the middle seat.  Most of the time, people will look and pass.  I’d be the last person, they would want to sit next to.   There were plenty of open seats, but yet this man asked if he could sit next to me.  Believe me, I looked around after he sat down.  I thought, surely, this must be the last seat available.  As silly as it sounds, I got teary. 

It’s important for all of us to feel accepted.  We need to know that society doesn’t look at us with disgust.  As an obese woman, I always felt so ugly and so unworthy of love or acceptance.  Society teaches us to feel that way.  We notice as people pass us - the expression of disbelief - “How can anyone be that big?”  It means a lot to feel that I no longer stand out in a crowd as the ‘fat freak’ -

Maybe I can stand out in a crowd now for a different reason…