The Tighten Up Report

This one speaks for itself.

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:45:00 +0000

An Open Letter to Jacques Torres, Chocolatier

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Hagemann) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 16:01:00 +0000

Cher Monsieur Torres,

To begin, please let me express how much I love all of your products; your chocolate is my absolute favorite!

I am writing to recount to you a somewhat unsettling thing that transpired during my most recent visit to your store on Hudson Street, where I drop in about once a week. The day was Thursday, January 28, around 3:00 in the afternoon. As my friend and I were sitting in the store enjoying a couple hot chocolates and a cookie, we noticed that the famous actor Paul Rudd (whose appearances include “Anchorman,” “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” and “Knocked Up”) had just entered with his young son and a few friends.

As you know, “celebrity” sightings are a fairly common—almost quotidian—occurrence in New York, particularly in such fashionable neighborhoods as Soho. And indeed, it is undoubtedly due to the sheer frequency of such encounters that the staff behind the counter registered no visible surprise, shock, or awe at whom they were serving; they simply treated him as an ordinary customer—no more, no less.

It was then, sir, that things took a turn for the absurd. No sooner had Mr. Rudd placed his order on behalf of his little boy (I believe it was cocoa) than the store manager popped up from behind the counter, as perky as a spring bouquet, exclaiming, “Hi! I just wanted to say hi!” She then announced to the increasingly confused-looking Mr. Rudd that his order was “on the house.” Despite his protests, the manager would have none of it, explaining, “Jacques always gives chocolate to children!” Mind you, Mr. Rudd wasn’t the only one who was confused by this odd behavior—one of his friends chimed in, only half-joking, “Hey, why don’t I get free chocolate, too?”

The manager, at this point painting the very portrait of a star-struck Times Square tourist, proceeded to make Mr. Rudd’s hot chocolate herself, as if the regular barrista were unfit to provide him with the VIP service he deserved as the veritable icon of the silver screen that he was.

In short, my friend and I found it rather unprofessional that your manager reacted to this encounter with celebrity in such an over-the-top manner, which also happened to implicitly devalue the rest of us “ordinary” customers who a) actually paid for our experience at the store, and b) had our drinks prepared by the (otherwise very capable) regular barrista. The number of B-, C-, and D-list celebrities in Soho is legion. For their sake and that of the rest of your customers, I hope that this sort of spectacle is not the norm each time one of them happens to drop into your store.

With very best regards, and compliments once more on your wonderful products—

Disconcerting news story of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Hagemann) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:51:00 +0000

WSJ:

Boeing Dreamliner Again Delayed
Boeing again delayed the 787 Dreamliner's initial test flight, because of structural weakness where the wings join the plane's body.

As far as structural weaknesses go... that's definitely one of the bad ones.

Get Back Pirate or I'll Blast Yar!

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Ah, the Heritage Foundation, a think tank where conservatives can pursue scholarly solutions to the USA's most dire problems.

Solutions like fighting pirates with lasers.

November 25, 2008
Pentagon Should Battle Pirates and Terrorists with Laser Technology
by James Jay Carafano, Ph.D.

Directed Energy Weapons, particularly those powered by lasers, have long been the stuff of science fiction. Due to recent innovations in commercial solid-state lasers and their adaptation to military uses, potential and immediate national security applications for these weapons are apparent.

The Pentagon, however, has been agonizingly slow in fielding operational prototypes. This must change. There are real-world missions for which laser weapons are needed right now. Additionally, fielding prototypes is essential for developing the appropriate tactics, techniques, and procedures for employing these new capabilities. Unless the military gets these new technologies in the field, it is doubtful the full potential of such weapons will ever be realized. Additionally, further delays make it unlikely that a constituency will develop within the military to strongly advocate for developing and fielding directed energy weapons.

I'm not going to say it would make the best movie ever ... I'm just saying whoever writes that script first is going to make HUNDREDS of dollars.

Fox News' blooper reel grows

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Tue, 19 May 2009 14:42:00 +0000

During a commercial break from the season finale of 24, Fox 5 News anchor Brian Bolter delivered this little gem; we're glad to know they're so modest, Brian.

Venerable designer loses marbles.

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Mon, 18 May 2009 16:16:00 +0000

never.

Your Misery is Not Good Company.

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Wed, 13 May 2009 15:08:00 +0000

An open letter to the cranky middle-aged weirdo in the office.

Dear CMAW,

I'm sorry you hate your job, your wife, your kids and (from listening to you bitching day in and day out) pretty much everything except fantasy baseball.
We work in a tiny office space so my headphones will not drown out your random yelling outbursts at the aforementioned job, wife, kids etc...
Your misery is now my misery.

Oh wait - actually I'm not sorry.

I need you to please become medicated, quit or find something else that will make you not here.

Oh and if I were you I would also consider tightening the fuck up.

xo -
Brenda

Music "insider" revises history of rock and roll.

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:28:00 +0000

{Expanding on a tweet from this a.m.}

Last night, moron American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi weighed in on contestant Danny Gokey's rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On, citing that she would've preferred some "early Aerosmith", such as Cryin' or Crazy. Yeah, that early Aerosmith from the 90s, right?

Tighten, DioGuardi: Aerosmith formed in 1970 (the year you were born), and Dream On was released on the band's eponymous first album from 1973.

Secondary tighten goes to Gokey himself for shredding the final notes of the song, ruining the climax. To his credit, it was a noble attempt, but well beyond his range.

{and never you mind that the Tighten Up Report sometimes watches AI}

See the performance here (DioGuardi's comments unfortunately excluded):

Musclebound Hulkamaniac begs for requitement, humiliates self.

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:23:00 +0000

I don't care if it's fake, it still fails as a bad joke. To tighten!

Loose elevator maintenance

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:11:00 +0000

When I saw this I imagined the super of the office building on the phone with the elevator company and their conversation going something like this...
Super: Hello, yes I need a number 10 button - ours is broken.
Elevator Supplies Depot: Sure ...oh, wait ... we only have 1's ans 0's ... no 10.
Super: No 10? Are you sure?
Elevator Supplies Depot: Yep.
Super: Ok ... I guess a 1 will do ... less confusing then 0 - you have a square button right?
Elevator Supplies Depot: ....

Swine Flu Reporting: a study in untightness

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:23:00 +0000

I could go on and on about how untight cable news is 96 percent of the time. But this morning MSNBC won the award for the day.
In the middle of reporting the first death in the United States from the dreaded pig pox* - the anchor stops and says:
"Wait we are now getting an update, the child that died was actually Mexican."

Oh, ok - crisis averted.

* hand hits forehead *

Can't.

(*Miss Piggy does not have the swine flu ... pig pox or any sort of farm animal virus because she is a puppet)

Loose Planning.

noreply@blogger.com (Pete) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:24:00 +0000

The biggest con ever pulled on the American public

noreply@blogger.com (Flagil_Reinhumps) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:15:00 +0000

Ok Texas Instruments, I'm calling you out! I speak on behalf of upper level math students everywhere when I say your evil graphing calculator empire must come to an end. Nerd cash is much better spent on massively multiplayer online games and weird Japanese tentacle porn.

Jesus Christ, the TI-83+graphing calculator has been over $90 bucks for like over a fucking DECADE. It's technology from 1985. No sound, no color, no 3D modeling, no Wifi, no bluetooth, no IR send/receive. The screen's resolution is no higher than a freaking Etch-a-sketch. Considering Moore's law, this piece of shit should cost about $5. TI you need to Tighten.

Boston Bruin Delivers Epic Tighten

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:50:00 +0000

UNTight Furlough ...

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:40:00 +0000

How do you know times are tough? Your online alias gets furloughed .... * sniff*

Gal reporter Brenda Starr faces downsizing
—Colleen Mastony
March 26, 2009
The newspaper business is tough all over. Things are so bad that even comic strip heroine Brenda Starr—that feisty gal reporter—will be put on furlough this week.

In a strip that runs Saturday, Starr's cigar-chomping boss, B. Babbitt Bottomline, calls Starr into his office and declares, "I can't afford to pay you anymore." The budget cuts inside Starr's fictional newsroom reflect the bottom line at real-life newspapers, which are slashing staffs and freezing salaries in the face of steep declines in advertising and circulation.

"As far-fetched as some of the plots in Brenda are, I do like to keep it topical," said Mary Schmich, the Chicago Tribune columnist who writes the Starr strip. Starr's life, Schmich noted, "is a fantasy with nuggets of reality tossed in. But even fantasies need some grounding in reality, and right now, economic crisis is the reality that colors everything else at pretty much every newspaper."

What's next for our ink-stained heroine? Schmich hints that upcoming scenes will take place far from the newsroom. Stay tuned.

That's right Obama! Tighten the F up!

noreply@blogger.com (Dick Whitman) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 16:44:00 +0000

Shit, even old ass Senators know that it's time to tell President Cool to TU. Respec.

Stick to Puns that are Funny NYP

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:12:00 +0000

Now I know that everyone on cable TV and beyond has felt the need to weigh in on the New York Post and their cartoon about Travis the dead Old Navy performance chimp and the stimulus - and sadly, I am no different.
Here's why - how has NO ONE pointed out that it's the most disingenuous argument EVER that NYP editors had no idea that it would be taken as a blatantly racist (uh, cause in my opinion ... it was)? These people are professional PUN writers! The double entendre maestros who brought us "Ike Beats Tina to Death" when Ike Turner died!

I mean - come on - you needed to generate some buzz ... whatever ... the newspaper business is really tough these days ... I get it...but at least fess up rather than issue lame untight apology for a lame untight cartoon.

Nice Try, Microsoft

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:00:00 +0000

"Microsoft Plans Stores, Hires Dreamworks Exec"

I can't decide what's funner: this story, or Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s attempts to salvage his acting career. Either way, hilarity will ensue.

Awful Ads

noreply@blogger.com (Pete) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:48:00 +0000

You know what I don't want to see while I'm watching the Tour of California on Versus TV? This...

Tighten up your advertisers Versus. I know your average American philistine has no interest in continental sports like cycling, but please don't force this crap on us. If I see a penis pump ad during the Tour de France, I will find your ad director and... write a strongly worded email.

Speaking of Darwin Award winners…

noreply@blogger.com (Dick Whitman) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 21:19:00 +0000

A surely way-too-much-time-and-money-on-her-hands Connecticut woman is clinging to life after her 200-pound pet chimp “inexplicably went bananas” (Love you, NY Post! LOVE you!) and mauled the bejesus out of her.

Best part of the story? (surprisingly, it's NOT the fact that the chimp is a former TV star! How fucking awesome is that!?!):

“Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo, said chimps are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years.”

Wow, thank you Captain Obvious! You’ve saved the day yet again!

But here’s my question for Wonder Waspy Wife:

You bought a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee grew. The chimpanzee got sick. The chimpanzee chewed your face off and then masturbated on it.

I’m sorry which part of the contract did you not understand?

Write back soo- Oh, er, sorry. Uh, communicate telepathically at your earliest possible convenience.

Yours, Dick Whitman

Reason No. 394 to just get a fucking El Camino already

noreply@blogger.com (Dick Whitman) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 20:43:00 +0000

Today I had the pleasure of taking my motor vehicle to the emissions and safety inspection station in Ye Ole’ District of Columbia. And I have to say; you have truly outsmarted me THIS TIME, District! Because, last time I checked, I would have to own a vehicle older than time itself to actually possess one that could pose a danger of any kind to the environment (and a special shout out to Republicans and the Michigan Congressional delegation for ensuring that emissions standards will remain ludicrously low for another generation! You guys ROCK!)

Yet, despite the fact my car is less than one year old, I had to have it “inspected” before being allowed to have it registered…. As does everyone else who doesn’t purchase a new car or a certified used car from a licensed dealer in the District.

The DMV does not keep statistics on how many cars are inspected on a daily, monthly or yearly basis (I’m personally blaming the precedent set by the Obama Administration for this blatant denial of the public’s right to know), but a good two-dozen cars went through during the half-hour that I was there, so I think it’s safe to assume that it’s a shit ton. But for some real insight, let’s go to the math board, shall we?

The population of the United States is approximately 304,000,000. There are some 10 million cars on the road that are more than 15 years old. For all you non-math majors, that amounts to 3.2 percent of all the cars on the road.

The population of the District of Columbia is approximately 582,000… Meaning that somewhere in the neighborhood of 19,000 cars in the District NEED to be inspected for POSSIBLE emissions violations.

Yet D.C. inspects… almost… every… single… car…

Why? Well because they charge $35 a pop, that’s why. And aside from the cash cow, they probably keep another hundred or so friends of D.C.’s highest and mightiest rather cushily employed.

Score on the local political racket meter? 9.2.

“Oh, but Dick! What about all the important tests they perform to ensure that your turn signals, brake lights and wipers function properly?”

Coupla things:

Nobody uses their fucking turn signals and you fucking know that.

If your wipers don’t work, Lord Darwin has a shiny trophy awaiting you at St. Peter’s Gate.

And brake lights? Ok you may have a point here. Because, let’s be honest, if the police can’t pull people over for having broken taillights, how ELSE are we going to find all the Mexicans? I’m with you on that one.

But I’m still very, very, very anti-vehicle inspection. Even though they forgot to charge me or ask for my emissions report at the DMV when they gave me my plates.

D.C. FAIL. D.C. residents FAIL. Dick WIN.

Yours, Dick Whitman

Vermont Teddy Bears Get You Laid

noreply@blogger.com (Brenda Starr) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 20:21:00 +0000

HEY GUYS!

Worried that you STILL don't have the perfect gift for your lady for that all important holiday of all holidays Valentine's Day?
Want a gift that says "I know you are a girl - but otherwise I'm lost" ?
Or "I don't really love you but still would like you to have sex with me" ?
Or "You're not smart, but I know you like presents" ?

LOOK NO FURTHER: Vermont Teddy Bears.
Watch their ad that has been on loop on MSNBC - a channel that no women watch because our brains are waaay too small to stuff in all that talky political stuff.
Here's the link - don't miss your chance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Fa41HOJ_iI

Tax evasion and other questionable behavior by public officials

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Hagemann) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:23:00 +0000

What's with all these public officials and tax evasion?

Also, why was Bill Richardson confident enough to run for president, but suddenly gets cold feet about his ability to be confirmed as secretary of commerce? I smell something fishy going on, and I'm not talking about Governor Richardson's Famous Fish Tacos....

Groundhog Day: meh.

noreply@blogger.com (Emily) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:36:00 +0000

Groundhog Day: ridiculous by all accounts, but we still tune in to Punksy Phil.

The best part is that Gobbler's Knob has their very own Flavor-Flav.

Dear Mom,

noreply@blogger.com (the pepper) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:16:00 +0000

I love you. You raised me. You are a divine human being.

But please don't leave me voicemails that are 1 minute and 27 seconds long.

Your loving son,
P