Obviously, this is yet another tragic school shooting reminiscent of Columbine High School and others over the last fifteen years. I’m sure there’s no guarantee a school can provide parents that they’ll predict and prevent every school shooting. I do, however, want to discuss what kinds of signals kids send adults—that we need to be looking for, in order to try to avoid another school shooting. This is what we must specialize in: interpreting student climate and culture. Kids today don’t need adults for information. (They can get that on-line, without parents or teachers). What they do need us for is interpretation. Let me share some observations on this tragic school shooting:

1. T. J. Lane was a kid who began withdrawing from others prior to the school shooting.

According to the reports, this kid had a gun and was angry at something, but he had been withdrawing from friends and fellow students long before the school shooting. We should always be on the lookout for “anti-social” behavior. Many said T. J. seemed normal but had a “sad look in his eyes.” I believe humans are wired to be connected; to be social and to live in collaboration with one another. Teens often show dramatic increase in social connectivity. T. J. did not seem close to anyone who could see what was going on inside. When students withdraw, there is almost always a tangible reason. Adults should be on the lookout for students removing themselves from others.

2. T. J. Lane began wearing different clothes, usually all black before the school shooting.

Reports say T. J. began to wear a “different look” before the school shooting. He wrote on his Facebbook page: “Feel death. Not just mocking you. Not just stalking you. But inside of you.” This didn’t seem to concern fellow students—they seemed stunned at the killings from yesterday. Faculty and coaches should be looking for these kind of outward changes. While clothing, piercings and tattoos can be innocent, they are always expressions of something going on inside. Caring adults should discover what the messages mean.

3. T. J.’s parents were nowhere to be found immediately following the school shooting.

For some reason (not known at this time), T. J. was not living with his parents. I don’t know where they are. He was living with grandmother. While I’m grateful for extended family—this is another signal. Parents tend to know their children better than anyone else. If they are absent, we have a problem. Grandparents often are not tuned in to “student culture” and how far off course a kid may be.

4. T. J. was silent and shared no apparent motivation for the school shooting.

As I mentioned before, fellow students say they were shocked at this measure T. J. Lane took out of anger. They said he was more and more quiet as time went on, but gave no indication he was “out of control.” My sense is, that while this may just be a stage in the life of an adolescent, we do well to discover what the silence means.

I am not one to find a “demon under every bush.” I do, however, believe that caring adults must be on the lookout for deviant behavior that sends signals that something is wrong and they are disconnected from others. Who knows how this story might have changed had this happened.

What can parents and educators do to prevent another school shooting?

Growing older is automatic. Growing up is optional.

I am on a war path. I am sounding a battle cry. As parents, teachers, coaches, youth workers, and employers—we must stop merely “entertaining” and start “equipping” young people for the future. I believe adults have under-challenged these great kids and when they flounder, we wonder why.  Now is the time to become intentional about saving their future.

CLICK BELOW TO WATCH THE SHORT INTERVIEW:

So what do you think? Are we raising a generation of helpless kids?

Today’s blog is a guest post by Brenda Coomer, a leadership and life coach from Tulsa, OK. Brenda is a member of the Growing Leaders Speaking Team and a dear friend. I hope you enjoy her post!

According to a recent issue of Fortune (Oct, 2011), women leaders are on the rise.  And from the looks of their “50 Most Powerful Women”, women are making a greater impression than ever before.

However, it seems apparent that many women don’t feel significant, let alone a leader.

I had finished speaking at a women’s conference, and a friend I hadn’t seen in several years approached me.  This old friend was a remarkable woman that I always admired.  She was the kind of person you wanted to know.  She was involved in her church, the PTA, a mentor to many, and an amazing, over-the-top mother and wife.  After giving each other a big hug and the obligatory “so good to see you…” it didn’t take long for me to see that she was troubled.

Tiffany began sharing that she didn’t feel like she was making a difference.  “I wish I knew my purpose, like you”, she said.  She continued to talk about how trivial her life was, how her contributions felt meaningless.  I shook my head in disbelief.   This truly was one of the most extraordinary women that I know.

So what separates those that feel they are leaders and those that don’t?  Often times I think two people could be doing the exact same thing, but one feels like she is a leader, making a difference, and the other feels insignificant and inadequate.

I believe that coming to the understanding that YOU are important; that your life touches and impacts others – just from you being YOU – can be a great revelation.  This revelation is especially important to women who tend to be more relationally driven, so they need to know that their relationships matter. Tiffany had lost sight of her true value and worth, which caused her to feel worthless and lose the perspective of her unique significance.   If you can be robbed of your worth, you will be robbed of your purpose.

I also believe that living life with intention – doing things on purpose – can make a dramatic difference in understanding your influence.  It may not change what you do, but it can change your perception of what you’re doing.

And let’s face it.  What you do matters.  There’s a unique contribution that can only come from you… and others need what you have.  Don’t let the feeling of insignificance rob you of being who you are, a leader.

Let’s give Brenda some feedback: What can we do to encourage healthy female leaders?

If you have plenty of male leaders on your campus—you are the exception. Deans, directors, coaches and principals are asking the question: How do we identify them and equip male leaders? Thanks to great efforts to provide opportunities for women since the 1970s (i.e. Title Nine), girls are everywhere; now guys are missing.

Why Are Male Leaders Missing?

Let’s take a quick look at what’s happening in our culture today. Why don’t we see more males leaders? I am sure the list below is not exhaustive, and some may find it invalid. I’m simply offering my observations as we work with thousands of campus administrators who struggle with finding enough healthy, male leaders.

1. Student populations on university campuses are primarily female.

In 1949, seventy percent of students were male. In 2009, it was just over forty percent. Guys are now the minority—which results in two realities: they avoid the pressure they feel to step up and serve. Instead, they enjoy the opportunity to be “in demand.” Frequently, schools dilute standards just to get guys involved. This male / female ratio has actually served to diminish the number of male leaders.

2. We train males for work not for relationships.

Consider for a moment the kinds of activities males engage in: video games, sports, technology and, oh yeah, classes. Few of these equip them to lead in relationships.

The average guy takes classes in math, science and reading, or perhaps his college major—but few have been equipped to develop their emotional intelligence. Self-awareness and social awareness remain low.

3. Males avoid involvement when they believe they will fail.

Not all of the time, but much of the time, males draw their identity from “conquest” not “connection.” Testosterone pushes them to achieve. They naturally want to go out and “win.” If they feel inadequate at building personal relationships—leading through personal power rather than positional power—they might just quit before they begin. Who wants to fail? Because women mature up to two years ahead of men between ages 16-24, guys can be intimidated by their disadvantage and withdraw.

4. Males have ingested chemicals that confuse their identity.

While I think it’s natural for males to want to lead, as boys, most have digested chemicals that reduce their ambition. Many have taken medication for ADHD and nearly all of them have unwittingly consumed BPA, thanks to the plastics they use and water they’ve consumed. Long after the meds have stopped being taken their personality has been altered. What’s more, BPA mimics estrogen in the human system—and confuses boys about their ambitions.

5. Males are often emotionally impaired.

Approximately 62% of kids are growing up without their biological father. This is especially tough for boys; they may have seen no models of healthy male leaders.

Author Patrick Morley says 80% of males today are so emotionally impaired, they are not only unable to express their feelings, they’re unable to identify their feelings. The collateral damage is devastating. This makes stepping up to a leadership role difficult if not daunting.

6. Our culture has provided a faulty image of masculinity.

A cursory look at male heroes from Hollywood reveals two basic images: cowboys and playboys. They are either the strong silent type or the smooth talker who uses people to gain an advantage. Neither is in touch with his feelings or is wiling to be vulnerable and transparent with others. Their goal: keep your cards close to your chest and control your circumstances and outcomes.

7. Males may carry a wrong view of leadership.

Our picture of male leaders from Wall Street or Washington DC is about power and money. Those should be by-products not pursuits of healthy leadership. But males have either bought in to these notions, or completely opted out, despising what they see in corporate and political leaders. When males feel weak, they won’t disclose it. That would be political suicide. The weaker the man, the more he feels he must prove his strength. What comes across is a need to project one’s self-worth.

Increasingly, we live in a world of adolescent men. Men who act like boys. When a man acts like a child, he forces his wife (or girlfriend) to act like his mother. We have too many women trying to raise her children and her husband. Maturity doesn’t come with age. It comes with the acceptance of responsibility. So many guys center on sports, food, alcohol and sex…not accountability and responsibility.

So, What Can We Do?

We must cultivate strength under control not in control. The stronger the man, the less he feels he must prove anything. Here are a handful of suggestions to undertake on your campus to produce healthy male leaders.

a. Identify the few healthy male leaders and focus on cultivating them.

Even if you only have a few, call them out and invest in them. Meet weekly for one year, reading, discussing, holding them accountable to practice leadership. Spend time mentoring them; then challenge them to reproduce other male leaders.

b. Talk about the crying need for healthy male leaders.

Every chance you get, find fresh ways to reveal the great need for men to step forth, then cast vision for what could be if more males would answer this calling. Don’t put anyone on a guilt trip, just be forthright about the need for healthy male leaders.

c. Highlight and affirm the healthy male leaders on the campus.

This is often called, “Bell Sheep.” Hang a bell around the sheep you want the flock to follow. Be intentional about spotlighting good examples of male leadership when you speak, and affirm their qualities that can be replicated.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What can be done to raise up more healthy male leaders?

This list of movies doesn’t nearly scratch the surface, but I offer them to you and ask for those who read this to add to the list. There is a place for you to do so at the bottom of this page.

1. Mr. Holland’s Opus                        7.  Star Wars (any from the series)
2. The Guardian                                    8. Entrapment
3. Finding Forrester                        9. The Karate Kid (any from the series)
4. Take the Lead                                    10. The King’s Speech
5. Stand By Me                                    11. Music of the Heart
6. The Freedom Writers            12. Dead Poet’s Society

In my book,Life Giving Mentors, I suggest that mentoring is the oldest form of teaching or education in the world. Long before there were chalkboards and desks, someone from an older generation would invite a young person into an experience. This experience was called a “developmental relationship” or an apprenticeship. Rabbis chose young boys for study; blacksmith’s invited young men for training; father’s would even take their sons and teach them through on-the-job training. The key was not just the information, but the relationship. The connections made built a bridge to pass on a compass for life.  This is what students need from us today.

Let me know—do you know of any other movies to add to this list?