1. Men like to be in CONTROL.

2. Many men FEAR they aren’t qualified in some way.

3. Men don’t want to FAIL.

 Now lets look at a few more reasons men shy away from leading family devotions.

4. Many men just don’t want to take on the RESPONSIBILITY of it.   

Men often feel like someone is dumping the whole responsibility of leading family devotions on them.  Generally that person is their wife.  And if their wife tries to make it sound like leading family devotions won’t be hard, a man will be convinced she has no idea how tough the job really is. That will make him even more determined to avoid it.

So men may avoid taking on the responsibility at all costs.  The way they see it, once they start family devotions, how will they get out of it when it becomes obvious things aren’t working out? And maybe he’s tried and failed before. He has no intention of repeating history.

Since a man often feels family devotions will be a disaster, he’d rather not take on the responsibility—and will avoid it at all costs.  Many men would rather risk looking like a jerk to their wife than to fail at family devotions and feel they have to quit. They can’t stand the thought of the kids looking bored—which is what they think will happen. A man will often think it is easier not to ever start than to start and quit.

 5. Some men don’t realize the IMPORTANCE of it.           

They may think they can leave the spiritual training of the kids to the church.  Or maybe they simply don’t grasp the need for additional training at home.  It is a low priority in his mind—and that puts it at the bottom of his list.

 6. Some men can’t seem to find the TIME.

 Leading the family in some kind of devotions takes thought and prep.  Many men legitimately feel they don’t have the time. 

 Any one of these six areas is enough to hold a man back.  Read over the list.  If your husband is dragging his feet when it comes to leading family devotions, likely one or more of these issues are a factor.  You’ll want to be sensitive to these things when approaching your husband for help.  For a man to move forward and succeed at family devotions, he’ll need to get over the issue that is holding him back. In the next blog post, lets look at a different approach to helping your husband than you might have tried before.

Why are men reluctant to take the lead teaching their kids spiritually?  Generally it isn’t because they’re lazy or don’t care—although it may look that way.  Men tend to avoid leading family devotions for a number of reasons. We’ll take a look at some of these reasons over the next couple of blog posts, then we’ll look at how to effectively help men in this area.

1. Men like to be in CONTROL.

Imagine speaking to a group of people who obviously aren’t listening.  Some look bored to tears.  Others keep talking or messing around—while you try to share something straight from your heart. You have absolutely no control over the crowd.  Sounds like torture, right?

You’d never put yourself in that position again, would you?  Even if someone begged you to come and speak to the same group, you’d turn it down.

That is exactly what many men picture family devotions will be like. If the kids act bored or aren’t paying attention, which is what he expects will happen, he won’t feel like he is control at all.  He feels it will be disastrous.  Since he truly believes he won’t be in control he’d rather do just about anything rather than lead family devotions. 

 2. Many men FEAR they aren’t qualified in some way.

In many cases they don’t feel adequate.  They may fear they’ll be asked a question they can’t answer.  Maybe they fear they don’t know the Bible well enough. 

And for some men, they fear they’ve disqualified themselves somehow because of some personal failure on their part.  It may be something they did long ago, or something they’re involved in now.  But they beat themselves down with it—or the enemy does.  “How can you lead the kids spiritually?  You’ll be a hypocrite.  Remember what you did (are doing)?”

You may feel your man is dragging his feet.  You just can’t see why he won’t try family devotions.  And that is exactly the point.  There are often things you can’t see that are holding him back.  Hidden anchors that keep him from moving forward.

 3. Men don’t want to FAIL.

Who does, right?  But with men this fear of failure runs deep.  Many men truly believe they’ll fail at leading family devotions.  They don’t feel they have what it takes.  They see it as a losing venture. 

And if they don’t feel they can succeed, they won’t want to start.  To start is to take a step toward almost certain failure.  And when they fail, not only will they lose self-respect, but they fear they’ll lose respect from their wife.

 Men like to be in control.

Many men fear they aren’t qualified in some way.

Men don’t want to fail.

 These may be the top three reasons men avoid teaching their kids about God. Next time we’ll look at three more.  As you understand what holds men back, you’ll likely be more successful at helping them get beyond the obstacles.  We’ll show you how to do that, too.

-Take your Christianity seriously.  In other words, don’t make excuses not to follow God’s Word.  For example, Philippians 2:14 says “Do everything without complaining or arguing …” That’s pretty clear, isn’t it?  So do it. Stop complaining about things, especially when it comes to doing something your mate wants you to do. That alone will help your marriage.

-Exercise a little self-control.  Whether it is your attitude, anger, selfishness, or whatever.  When we get sloppy with self-control, our marriage will take a hit.

-Know what says love to your mate, and express love in those ways.  Guys, if the best way to express love to your wife is by spending quality time with her, don’t think staying late at the office is going to get you a hero’s welcome, even if you are providing for the family.  Ladies, if the thing that expresses love to your husband best is physical touch, he’s looking for a lot more than a hug.

-Talk nice.  Sarcastic, rude, cutting remarks and criticism all work to quench passion in marriage.  Be kind.  Considerate. 

-Talk.  Remember when you were a kid you were told “Talk nice or don’t say anything at all.” That didn’t mean that you were to give your mate the “silent treatment” or the “cold shoulder”.  Talk it out if you have a problem with each other. 

-Go to bed at the same time.  Pretty hard for passion to grow if you aren’t even going to bed together.  If one of you has to get up early, fine.  But go to bed at the same time.  If you don’t, you’ll likely have less sex.  And sex is pretty important to a passionate marriage—don’t you think?

-Get the physical thing going.  Have sex. Have it more often. Be creative.  If you want to stoke the fires of passion, this is foundational.

There is a lot more that can be said about firing up the passion in your marriage.  There are great books, and if you read back a handful of blogs I have one on the Heroic Groom and another on The Storybook Bride.  Both are linked to podcast messages that will help.

And the biggest help? Give the Holy Spirit permission to change your heart . . . and your perspective.  It’s time to enjoy love in marriage the full potential God intended, don’t you think?  Give your marriage an extra ration of passion.  Little steps in the right direction really do mean a lot!

-What would your mate like you to change?  You made all kinds of changes when you were dating.  Changed the way you dressed, the way you acted.  You kicked habits and made new ones . . . all to please your date.  Time to do it again. 

-What would your mate like you to do?  Maybe there’s a project they’ve wanted done. Someplace they’d like you to take them.  When you were dating, you were looking for ways to please them. You probably have a good idea of something that would please them now.  Do it—without complaining.  Just to show how much your mate means to you.  This is huge.

 -When your mate calls you on the phone, answer it like you’re really happy to talk to them. That’s what you used to do when you were dating, right?  If your mate gets the impression that your call is an interruption to their busy day, what kind of message are you sending—and what will that do to improve your marriage?

 -Have some fun . . . together.  When you were dating, you looked forward to the times you had together.  You’d go out, do fun things.   Are you still doing that?  If your idea of fun is something that doesn’t involve your mate, you may want to rethink that a bit.  Life is tough.  Make a deliberate effort to create some fun times with your mate and it will make a difference in your marriage.

Sometimes the best way to improve the future of your marriage is to look back at the attitudes and perspectives you used to have toward your mate.  Think about the way you acted in those early years of being together.  It worked before, and it will work again . . . if you work at it.

Next time we’ll look at some little things that mean a lot . . . especially when it comes to strengthening your marriage.

 In marriage, we need the passion described in Song of Songs 8:6b-7 . . . a love that is as strong as death, a love that burns like an unquenchable fire.  So how do we get there?

 Revelation 2:4-5 is a message to the church in Ephesus, but it holds a clue to regaining passion in marriage as well.  The church was going through the motions and doing a lot of things right, but the passion was gone. The people were told to do two things to bring the passion back.

            Repent.

            Do the things you did at first.

 We can do the same things in our marriage.  If our marriage has gotten a little mediocre, we need to repent. That involves confession and a deliberate change of direction.  Confess it to God.  Ask for his help.  And you may need to repent to your spouse for your part in allowing that to happen.

 Next, do the things you once did. Think back to the days you and your mate dated and when you were first married.  Start doing some of those things again.  Here’s a few things to think about.  We’ll add more next week.

             -Go on weekly dates.  Make your mate your focus.  Talk about good things . . . don’t let it turn into a time to be critical.

            -Turn off the cell phone when you’re on a date.  Imagine going on a date with someone.  You’re sitting at a restaurant, you’ve both ordered, and now your date pulls out their mail and starts ripping open envelopes and reading the contents.  Even writing short letters in return.  How rude, right?  Would you keep dating a person like that?                        

That’s what you’re doing when you check texts, phone messages, or email when you’re on a date with your mate.  Our culture has renamed this behavior.  Now we call it “multitasking”.  It sounds efficient, like you’re using your time wisely.  Often multitasking is simply “rude” by another  name.  You’re communicating a subtle message to your mate–and it isn’t a good one.

            -Show some excitement.  When you see each other after work, let them know you’re happy to see them.  Smile. Kiss.  Hold each other.

            -Listen when your mate is talking to you.  Give them your undivided attention.  Sure, there are times you’re working at something while you talk, but you need to create times where they have your complete focus.

 This is getting long enough, so I’m going to stop here and encourage you to start.  Bring back an extra ration of passion in your marriage by repenting, and going back to do some of the things you once did.  More next time.

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

That’s a great place to start . . . but if you want the full picture of love in marriage, this passage is missing something. See, in its context, this passage is describing love as a spiritual gift.  It is describing how we’re to love others in the church.  Yes, love is all these wonderful things listed in 1 Corinthians 13, but love in marriage is more.

What element of “marriage love” is missing in this passage?  Passion.  Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 again. 

            It describes a committed love. 

            It describes the type of love you owe to others as your Christian duty. 

            It describes the unwavering dedication of true Christian love.

But it doesn’t describe the passion a man and wife should have for each other.  It doesn’t fully address the element of passion you need in your marriage to keep it fresh–to reach its full potential of excellence. My love for my mate should go beyond what my love for others entails, wouldn’t you agree?

Now check out what Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs says when it describes marital love in 8:6b-7.

“. . . for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. 
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”

That’s passion.

Love is strong as death. Death conquers all, right? And so does love. It’s the “love never fails” principle from 1 Corinthians 13, but with the passion of marriage behind it.

It burns like a blazing fire. We’re talking a consuming fire here. It burns past all obstacles. Marital love should be hot.

Many waters cannot quench love. This flame of love can’t be doused. It goes back to the 1 Corinthians love that “always perseveres”, but in marriage, it isn’t simply some kind of duty. Passionate, unquenchable love is the goal. And the reward.

In fact it goes on to say that giving up all you have for such love would not be some noble sacrifice. It would be totally worth it. Passionate, marital love is thatgood.

Passion is the missing element in the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love.  And it’s the missing element in many, many marriages as well.  So how do you get the passion . . . or get the passion back in your marriage?  Start thinking about that.  And I’ll collect some thoughts on that as well. Look for that in the next blog post. 

An Interview with Tim Shoemaker by his agent, Terry Burns

You led a devotional for the Colorado Christian Writers Conference where you placed a couple coins in a volunteer’s hands and asked him to guess want kind of coins he held.  He guessed quarters–but they were really those pesky Susan B. Anthony dollars.  What was that all about?

People were always mistaking the Susan B’s for quarters.  It was annoying.  The government finally stopped making them.   I asked the audience to imagine for a moment that Christians were dollar coins, and those who weren’t followers of Christ were quarters.

You weren’t suggesting Christians were more valuable or better than others, but that they were certainly better off.

Exactly.  We have the Holy Spirit inside, bringing us love, joy, peace, contentment, and more if we let him.  We have Jesus, who has promised to be with us always, we have access to the Father . . . the God of the universe.  We have the promise of eternal life in Heaven some day . . . and so much more.  Yes, there is an indisputable value to being a Christian 

So how does that tie in to the Susan B. Anthony?

Dollar coins need to look different from quarters.  They need to be instantly recognized.  Our government learned that lesson the hard way from the Susan B.  Trouble is–we’ve got a bunch of “Susan B. Anthony Christians” in our world today.  They’re saved.  “They’re a dollar”.  They’re better off.  But they’re living so much like the world people rarely see the difference . . . or the value.  And tragically, Susan B. Christians miss so many benefits that are ours as believers.  They don’t even experience the difference themselves.

Then you pulled out one of the older silver dollars . . . a big ‘ol 1923 “Peace” type, and compared it to a Susan B. Anthony.  Quite a difference.

Night and day.  The Susan B. was a poor imitation of the original dollar.  Which brings us back to the whole Susan B. Christian example.  Ephesians 5:1 reminds us to “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children . . . “  We’re to be growing more like God . . . not like the world. 

You showed us the edge of the coins.  The older silver dollar was solid silver, all the way through.  But the Susan B., just like the quarters, had copper at the core–not silver.  The silver was just a surface thing.

Bingo.  At the very heart of the Susan B. dollar is compromise . . . and that is the real problem with many Christians.  They compromise in areas of character, integrity, and in the way they obey God’s Word.  They compromise when it comes to maintaining a Christian attitude at home and they compromise in the way they love.

It’s a heart issue.  When we selectively ignore what the Bible teaches, we have a compromising heart.

Absolutely.  We cut our own value, effectiveness, and happiness.  Even our closeness with God.  Proverbs 4:23 makes it pretty clear.  “Above all guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

So we need to examine our hearts to see if we’re compromising in some way.  To see if we’re a “Susan B. Christian”.  If we’re truly doing it God’s way, we’re going to be different from the world.

Instantly recognizable.  If I’d of put a couple of those older dollars in our volunteer’s hands he’d have known immediately that they weren’t quarters.

And he might have taken off with them.

That too.   Which underscores just how much more valuable we are as Christians when we’re clearly different from the world.

It comes down to truly living according to God’s principles.  Being the real deal.  You mentioned you actually keep one of those old silver dollars in your pocket to prompt your memory.

Every time I reach in my pocket that dollar serves as a reminder of the Christian I want to be.

The kind we ALL want to be.  I think some of our readers may want to do the same thing.  Thanks, Tim for sharing with us! 

Eventually they close the book on their “happily ever after” hopes and settle for a marriage at some level of mediocrity.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. It can be real. Fresh. Passionate. Even if you’ve been married for many years. Cheryl and I speak to women’s groups at churches and help them see how to get their marriage going back in the right direction.

You can listen to a podcast of this two-part message right here. Among other things, here are some things we’ll cover.

• The kind of love you want from a husband . . . and the kind you must give.
• The affect of the quality of our marriage on our kids–and their Christianity.
• The killer of great marriages . . . hard hearts . . . and what that looks like.
• 15 ways to strengthen your marriage . . . or keep it strong.

A good marriage isn’t exactly like Hollywood or a storybook. But when we do it according to God’s book it can be better. Sometimes just the smallest of steps in the right direction can change everything. Bring out the “magic” in your relationship again. Listen to the podcast and you’ll definitely get some ideas of where to start.

An audio podcast of Tim Shoemaker and Cheryl Shoemaker
“The Storybook Bride: God’s Woman and Marriage”

1. That he’d look back on his life with few regrets.

2. That he’d be loved and respected by his wife and kids. That they would look at him as their hero.

3. That he’d be respected and have a good reputation in the workplace or industry, at church, and socially.

4. That he would enjoy success, God’s blessing on the things he does.

5. That he would make the right choices, do the right things–even when it’s hard.

6. That he’d live a life of purpose and significance, and that he’d live out God’s plan for him.

7. That he’d hear “well done, good and faithful servant” from God himself someday.

Aren’t these the same kinds of things you’d like for your husband? When you help a man fulfill his dreams, you’re benefitting yourself and your family at the same time.

Unless a man succeeds at these foundational dreams, any other goal he attains will eventually ring hollow to him.

I honestly don’t believe a woman can grasp the influence she can have on her man–good or bad. You can help your man become the man of his dreams and your dreams. You can help him become a hero.
Cheryl, by loving God enough to trust Him with His plan, by striving to be an excellent wife, makes me want to work harder not to let her down.

Her love and dedication makes me want to be the best husband I can be. Her example increases my resolve to follow God’s plan and love her like Christ did the church.

For ideas of how to do that yourself, listen to the podcast Helping Your Husband Become a Hero. This is really part two of The Storybook Bride: God’s Woman and Marriage podcast posted in the previous blog. Sometimes the best way to help a husband become the man of your dreams is to become the woman of his dreams.

An audio podcast of Tim and Cheryl Shoemaker
“Help Your Husband Become a Hero”

The same thing happens to men with their relationship with God. We get lax with self-control. We go through the motions of being a Christian man. Easily get distracted. We aren’t careful to consistently do the things we really should . . . and we wonder why our spiritual life seems hollow. Why our marriage isn’t better.

It all comes down to our heart. To exercising self-control and learning how to give the Holy Spirit control of our life. If we mess up in these areas, we’re going to get hurt . . . and we won’t be able to protect those we really love. Which is the topic of a message I bring to men at churches and retreats. In this message we look at some critical truth about being a man . . . one that enjoys the benefits that are ours as Christians. One that protects himself and those he loves.

This message was given to the men of Bethel Community Church and you can listen to the podcast here. You’ll get a picture of the kind of life Christian men often miss, and the first steps to change that. You’ll hear what I keep in my pocket every day to remind me of the man I want to be.

My piano-playing future didn’t sail far. I chose “Gilligan’s Island”, and shipwrecked my chances. Don’t let that happen to you with your spiritual walk. There is something more. Go after it.

An audio podcast of Tim Shoemaker
“Out of Control: God’s Man and the Work of the Holy Spirit”