30 years and 5 months ago we exchanged our first letters, 25 years and 11 months ago we met each other in Japan for the 1st time. 23 years and 7 months ago we got married. Since, 8600 days we have been through thick and thin (as said in Dutch “door dik en dun”). We must have had wonderful life because I could only say: how time flies!

Peter has left me for 3 and half weeks. I always believed that I could manage to be alone because he went business trip almost every week before he became ill. But now I realized it’s very different. Before I could just call his mobile, I could reach him immediately wherever he was. Now he will never pick up his mobile anymore.

For me these 3 and half weeks is a period full of tears. Does unhappy time pass slowly? If it does I’ll become aged slowly then. Maybe it’s not too bad.

Before his departure, I asked him to let me know by sending signals if he has been freed. The signals are either let me see the wind blows through trees or let me hear birds’ singing. I got the 1st signal early morning of the next day, and I got the 2nd signal one week later. Peter did keep his promise to me.

Luckily in this country it will never be short of wind. I’m still receiving his endless signal and I can always feel he is around me, every where and every moment. Peter, can you see that I have my hair cut short. I know you won’t like it, but don’t worry, my hair grows very fast.

And our promises to each other, I also do my best to keep it: no sorrow, no worries, no fear and no regret. Sometimes it’s too difficult for me to keep it. But I order myself to live fully and happily for him because that’s what he wanted me to do.

I’m OK I just miss him very much. His smell at home is disappearing everyday but everything reminds me of him. When I went cycling I followed the route we went 8 weeks ago. 8 weeks ago (13 September) we were cycling along Sloterplas, passing by the front side of Opium. When I watched a TV program “Spoorloos” I had to think about that we watched it together before. When I was driving a car I thought that he used to drive me to every place where I wanted to go, he could drive from Amsterdam to Milan within 10 hours. I was awake in the morning and thought it’s the time he should take his medicine. When I went shopping I chose the foods he liked. He is still in the centre of my life. Eric Jan said that now I’m a nurse without a patient.

I like to thank all the friends who sent me cards, phoned me or posted comments on Peter’s blog. Those cards and comments are so warm so touched. Peter was loved by everybody and was appreciated by everybody. I was always moved to tears while reading them and I doubted whether Peter was an angel who made a short trip to our world ? My tears are just like running water from a broken tap. I lost so many tears that my sister in law Marjolijn suggested that I should eat more salt……

If anyone knows something negative about Peter, please let me know. Then I’ll be able to miss him less.

In the text mentioned below, Monling have described the last weeks of their life in a moving manner.

“Peter has departed on 15 October 2009. He had been fighting for almost 2 years, he never wanted to give up but he was so tired.

Mid. of September through early October there’re more than 2 weeks’ time Peter lost part of memory. He didn’t know he’s ill, he didn’t remember those surgeries he underwent, he forgot everything related to his illness. He was very bright and had no fear, no worries. I wished that he could have kept on forgetting till his last moment. But in his mind pieces of a puzzle were gradually completed and on 07 October I realized that he could see the full picture while we were visiting a psychologist and how surprised I was because he was still so calm and so peaceful. He told the psychologist that he has finished and he’s ready to out of the life. He said the same to our general practitioner (GP) next day, he also said that his life now is nothing but only waiting for the death.

At the beginning of last year Peter had declared to our GP his wish of euthanasia under circumstance while any further treatment will only lead to unbearable and hopeless suffering. He didn’t get any medical treatment after the 9th chemo therapy except taking Dexamethasone (I call it “doping”). He started it on 21 September but his physical condition was obviously going backwards since one week. We knew he’ll suffer from unbearable pain when Dexamethasone can’t help him anymore. He again declared his wish. We watched each other and I asked him:

Do you have sorrow?
No. said by him.
Then I have no sorrow, either.

Do you have regret?
No. said by him.
Then I have no regret, either.

Do you have fear?
No. said by him.
Then I have no fear, either.

He had made his decision. 2 years’ fighting is his being kind and being considerate to all the people he loved, but he was tired, he wanted to be freed. I should let him go.

We enjoyed every moment of these last few days, he ate lots (Dexamethasone made him always hungry), we talked about our vacations and many funny or silly things we did, we discussed my future, etc. How glad I am to be able to again communicate with him at last.

He was clear and peaceful until last moment. No sorrow, no regret, no fear, no worries”.

Peter was unable to win the battle against his illness, but he kept the control until the end. We have made a new page in memoriam http://cranius.wordpress.com/in-memoriam/ on this blog. On this page you can react or by mail payt2009@live.nl.

La Piccola Sara with Steam

I don’t feel like a “barista” because I ‘feed’ my machine only coffee pads, not freshly grounded coffee beans. I especially like the dark roasted ‘Illy Black Label’ and the slightly milder ‘Blue Smart’. But about one week ago my espresso machine lost it’s appetite for these pads. It always grumbles a bit to me and if I use steam for a cup of cappuccino it hisses. But now it made a very loud noise, like the pump for espresso was broken or had run dry. I opened the water reservoir but there was plenty of water in it. I checked also the two little tubes for air bubbles. The one for coffee showed no movement of those bubbles.

I decided to call the shop where we bought it almost four years ago to ask where I should go for maintenance. The owner told me that the best I could do was to contact the importer directly (a more convenient address in Utrecht), he would repair my coffee machine immediately. Marcus took me to Utrecht in his car and after searching for a while we found the address. Once inside I looked immediately for the toilet and Marcus took my espresso machine of almost 10kg to have it repaired. When I came back from the toilet I was greeted by a gruffy man who stared at my blue helmet. At a certain moment he asked “What can I do for you?” in not a very way.  I realized that he didn’t make the connection between Marcus and me so I explained that I was the actual owner of the espresso machine. That reassured him visibly.

He explained to me that I had made a mistake. The tube with the huge water filter was not at all for coffee but for steam. The little tube was for coffee! Didn’t I know that for espresso the ideal water temperature lies between 88 and 92 degrees Celcius? And that therefore it never comes to the boil? To steam milk it’s another story: that water needs to be softened to keep your machine in perfect working order. Hence the huge water filter. Ahhhhhh …. I said, that’s why!

He took my espresso machine to the back and we followed him. He fixed my machine to his own water reservoir and made a few cups of coffee. He asked me what coffee I normally used and so I told him that I preferred the dark Illy for espresso and Blue Smart for the occasional cappuccino. Wrong answer! Didn’t I know that he was sole importer not only for the la Piccola brand but also for Jolly Cafe? I told him that I ordered my through the Internet but that I remembered that when I bought my espresso machine I got a huge box with Jolly cafe for free. And because I got annoyed with this man I added “I don’t like Jolly cafe so much, it’s not strong enough for me”!

Because the temperature in the room had suddenly dropped we decided to leave. We thanked the man (he wanted no money for his services) and took my espresso machine to the car. That evening I tried to make several cups of espresso. The loud sound was back although it produced a wonderful espresso! I told Marcus and he couldn’t believe what I told him. So tonight Marcus will pick me up from the RCA to listen for himself to the sounds of my espresso machine. To be continued!

Bongo
We not only got a “hat box” full of delicious chocolate from Hendrik and Magda (please refer to my post Hendrik & Magda of the 20th of July) but also a “Bongo” for a dinner in a one-star restaurant. I left it up to my wife Monling to pick the restaurant. She selected hotel-restaurant Merlet in Schoorl because it is near to the sea (according to the brochure the daily fresh fish is either caught from the beach or from the fish-auction in Den Helder a few kilometers North). And above all it has also a few rooms for guests who don’t want to drive home at night.

De Rijp

So the day before yesterday (Monday) she took me via Graft-De Rijp (a beautiful small town, birthplace of the famous Leeghwater, see picture above) to Schoorl. De Rijp used to be the centre of whale hunting and was the birthplace of Leeghwater, the Dutch hero responsible for creating “new land” (our famous ‘Polders’). We walked the ‘main’ street but it as was blocked somewhere we decided to have lunch and a drink. After that Monling drove us to Schoorl.

Schoorl

The reception of Hotel-Restaurant Merlet

The tiny balcony of Hotel Merlet

One star dinner
Dinner was great. Monling had the fish menu and I had the vegetarian menu. It was more than delicious and the perfect view over the country side was certainly a bonus! Comprising five full courses it was definitely worth the value of the Bongo. Below you find pictures for some of the courses, for the remaining courses it was too dark to take pictures (even with flash).

Restaurant Merlet's one star dinner

Maroille
I had seen a waiter pushing a long cart with many kinds of cheese on it. I asked if I could change my desert for a cheese platter and that proved to be possible. And what did I see? The square reddish cheese called Maroille (refer to my post called “Day one: trip to France” of the 23rd of July) we (Marcus and I) were all the time looking for. What a coincidence!

Checking Out

The next day we walked through the centre of Schoorl, bought a few postcards and Monling made the beautiful pictures you can see in this post. Hendrik and Magda, you have given us such great and original gifts! Thank you very much the both of you!

Reveille matin
The last day of our trip has arrived. Marcus had set his alarm for 08:00 this morning but “snoozed” his alarm three times for me. He made soup for me from the warmest tap water he could get and he helped me to take a shower if I had to reach for odd places. Afterwards I had to apply several creams to my skin. Then we had breakfast. I felt again sick and very weak and didn’t want to eat and drink at all. After a few swallows of tea and a few bites of bread I became that nauseous that I had to make a run for the toilet. Marcus was still eating his breakfast but now as quickly as he could.

We went back to room and I went to bed for an hour while Marcus took some pictures inside and outside our room. At half past 10 he woke me up to get dressed and packed and at 11:00 Marcus had checked out. We loaded the car with our bags and went straight home where I arrived at a quarter to two in the afternoon. After unloading and loading he drove his car out of our garage to prepare for his own trip home.

Wrap up
Marcus, I’m so grateful to you for this trip. First of all for making the effort to take me out of this house and giving Monling a chance to not have to take care of me. Believe me she appreciated it immensely. Secondly I considered this a try-out. I was right to be worried that I would be too tired from continuously travelling. Fortunately you didn’t follow a rigid schedule (as any other seasoned Black Belt would do) but allowed me to rest a few hours every day. But what I didn’t expect was that my energy reserves that I still had on day three were completely depleted. From that day on my energy didn’t come back and I became sicker by the day. I needed more than a full week to recover from the trip.

What I also didn’t expect was that Marcus and I became even better friends, (if at all possible) like brothers. I can’t decribe it better than Marcus did in an e-mail to me: “We had the unique opportunity to talk, to laugh, to take baths, to eat, to rest, to listen to each other and eachothers music and to have fun with eachother for five entire days.”. Thanks brother for this unique experience! Hopefully I may live still long enough to do it again.

Reveille
We woke up at 8:00am and when I wanted to sleep a few minutes more Marcus simply pushed the snooze button again and again and again. I took a shower in a huge bathroom on a medical looking shower chair with Marcus assisting now and then. Marcus prepared my soup for me with warm water straight from the tap (because there was no boiling water available), the creme ritual and then dress. The breakfast was of great quality (5 star) comprising champagne, crêpes (pancakes), scrambled eggs and fried eggs, sausages and mushrooms (the well known full English Breakfast). It was delicious. After an hour we went back to the room.

Abdij van ‘t Park

Marcus had planned a trip to the nearby “Abdij van ‘t Park” (Abby of the Park) to see and especially hear the Sunday morning mass. We could only reach it by riding cross country because of road constructions. I don’t know whether Marcus was serious or not but he dared not to get into the Abby. The door was also closed so we didn’t know if mass had already started. We did however walk around to see the the main and the supporting buildings, the ancient graves and the pigeon house (see picture). There also was a muddy lake behind the Abby.

Diest

Then we went straight to Diest, a small town close to Leuven. My mother and a girlfriend of her went to this city by bike just after WWII (1954). They stayed with an aunt of either my mother or this girlfriend (so she told us in a text msg-conversation). We learned by experience that the town center of Diest is on Sundays the central gathering place for all local (surprisingly well behaving) Harley Davidson riders. Marcus is sitting on what we believed to be the local Town Hall stairs (see photo above).

We had coffee with pastries in a cafe, then took a walk around (and in) the local church and then sat down again at the corner of the two main streets of Diest. Diest is a small city indeed. We took our time to order and when we finally did each of us ordered a “baguette”, for Marcus with ham and “groentjes” and for me with cheese. The order was taken by a sweet little girl (according to Marcus). I asked him how he knew but I never got a proper answer :-). We went back to Leuven to let Marcus finish a pocket by Maigret while sipping a beer (Rochefort) and me to have a 2-hour nap.

Back in the centre of Leuven

At 19:00 we went to the centre of Leuven again. We walked around on the “Groote Markt” (Large Market) and on the “Oude Markt” (Old Market). We watched the people passing by while sitting on a terrace and drank something.

Dinner in a Sicilian restaurant
We decided to grab a bite but because I didn’t feel well (I also was very tired) and I suggested that the most safe option for me was the Sicilian Italian Restaurant we found in between the hotel and the center. We went to that restaurant and I fell immediately in love with “mamma”. Such a typical Sicilian woman. Marcus and ordered the same: ravioli filled with truffles with a sauce of fungi porchini.

The food was delicious until the moment I felt a fried maggot in my mouth. The kind of small maggots you can find in old fungi porcini (I regonized them at once because I lived in Rome for a while and often went the market to buy fresh fungi porchini). After that experience I didn’t fancy my food anymore. Marcus however finished his plate, such a Tiger. We asked for the bill and had coffee in the hotel in the still warm night (al fresco).

We got up at 07:30 and after Marcus had prepared my vegetable soup we went straight to the Jaccuzi (Marcus again swam in the still cold pool). We got some shampoo and washed and after some time we (wonderfully relaxed) went straight to our room for the ritual creme session.

Le petit dejeuner
We had breakfast in the breakfast room (we had delicious jam made of ginger and apricots) and took our time. Back in our room we tried to recover from the early start (not easy at all), packed (also not easy at all) and checked out. Marcus made some pictures from the room and the view from the window (note the Dutch flag). Then we got our car and drove to drive to the upper city.

The upper city of Boulogne-sur-Mer
There was a fun fair planned for that day so we could park for free. We went straight for coffee once we had parked and found an acceptable place: a walled court yard. I would have liked to sit in the sun but Marcus didn’t allow it for some weird reason. After coffee we walked up the stairs to the walls around city and made many pictures.

Marcus needed still post cards and walked suddenly quickly to a local bookstore. He must have had the smell of just made post cards in his nose. I must admit that his cards were much much much more beautiful than mine (jealous?).

Lunch
We had lunch on a terrace next to the town hall and a crowd for a wedding was slowly building. The wedding was long enough to order, eat, write the 3 beautiful post cards Marcus had bought and to mail them. Marcus had a fish pie, I had a soggy salad with pieces of bacon. Without thinking I put the pieces of bacon automatically on the edge of Marcus’ plate as I would have done with Monling. When I saw the photo of Marcus below with his plate covered with pieces of bacon I felt so ashamed.

Begijnehof Congress Hotel
“En route” to Leuven which took us two and a half hours due to many “deviations”. On the way Marcus became very sleepy so I tried to keep him awake by playing some CD’s, making him drink some water and switching the airconditioning to 0 degrees C. At around 17:00 we arrived at the “Begijnhof Congres Hotel”. Immediately after checking in we took a nap of about 1-2 hours. Later in the spacious garden we found many comfortable seats and a large pond with koi. Marcus asked for a local beer called “Begijntje” and I ordered a “Spa Rood” (a local mineral water) accompanied by some nuts.

To Leuvens centre
While we were on our way to Leuven’s center I realized that I had forgotten to bring my medication. Marcus offered to go back to the hotel alone but the outlook of remaining alone behind in silent Leuven made me decide to accompany him. So we went back (15 minutes), found my medication (10 minutes) and walked back (15 minutes) to the same point. Argghh! That was probably the first moment that I felt serious sick. Marcus asked me what to do and I answered “I’ll be fine!”.

Restaurant “De Wieringe”
We continued to our destination: the famous Leuvenese restaurant “De Wieringe”. This restaurant was specially mentioned in the Marco Polo guide for it’s food but it’s location remained for long a mystery. We asked and asked and subsequently walked and walked in every direction that we were told to do but all in vain. Finally we found it. It was famous for its roof terrace but Marcus agreed with me that the many stairs would probably kill me. We stayed at the ground floor (as the only guests).

Marcus ordered lamb and I ordered (actually while too sick and tired) spaghetti with a vegetable (vegetarian) sauce. The dishes quickly came but I had one spoonfull of the sauce and I knew I made a mistake. It was not the spaghetti sauce but I was just too sick and too tired to eat. Marcus quickly finished his meal (poor guy, I know that lamb is one of his favorite dishes), Marcus paid for the meal and we went (via an alternative route) “straight” back to the hotel. Marcus put me straight to bed.

Reveille
“Reveille à 7:30h avec due fois snooze” Marcus insists I write. In bathrobes with our swimming trunks underneath we went to check-out “the facilities”.  Sauna and Hammam were not warmed up yet, the water in the pool was cold (Marcus called me “a watje” while laughing, I didn’t disagree) but the water in the Jacuzzi had a pleasant temperature. We spend almost one hour in the facilities, then we took a shower before going back to our room. We changed and went downstairs for “le petit dejeuner”. A wonderful breakfast but I found a minus point: I missed the scrambled (or better: fried) eggs.

Le Cap Griz Nez and the Cap Blanc Nez
We left the hotel at 10:30 for a trip along the coast (from Boulogne-sur-Mer to Calais). On our way we first visited the visit Cap Gris Nez (the lowest of the two Caps, ‘only’ 13 meters) high. While driving towards the Cap Gris Nez there was a famous German canon (the V3) to be seen, a radar tower and a lighthouse. The latter had an intriguing horizontal metal construction near the top but until today we don’t what it was. While we left the car at a parking we noticed how strong the wind was. There were many clouds so unfortunately we couldn’t see Dover.  

We drove on to the Cap Blanc Nez (30 metres high) with a column on the top of the Cap with plaque from WW I, saying “En memoire perpetuelle de nos camarades Francais de la Patroulle de Douvres 1914-1919. Ils sont morts afin que nous vivions puissons nous etre dignes de leur sacrifice”. Look below for some of the beautiful photos Marcus took. 

I wanted to make a movie (using the remaining power) from the Cap Blanc Nez but because of the relentless wind I couldn’t get a steady shot. I had to fight for balance, my blue helmet and my black Fernet hat. Unfortunately I lost my my black hat in that fight. The wind was too strong. It was a memory to the time that I worked in Prague (my Czech friends actually presented it to me). Sorry guys! The wind was simply too strong.

St. Omer
We had lunch (no lunch is no option for us) in St. Omer. Marcus had a pasta Forestiere (a pasta with fungi porchini and cream), I had a pasta with Camembert and walnuts. Marcus drank most of my Chimay Blanc (I had only two sips of beer) and then had a Chimay Blue. I settled for a mineral water. Warm weather, delicious food: what a spectacular holiday!

After lunch we visited one of the main attractions of St. Omer: the Cathedral. There was a hearse in front of the church and through the majestic huge open door we could see in the back a party of mourners (obviously there was a funeral on going). Because it was such a bright cathedral we went in. In the entrance hall stood a gigantic globe vase with flowers in it on a tripod in honour (or so we thought) of the deceased. When we had just passed the globe it fell behind us from the strong wind with a loud sound. All water had already ran out as Marcus tried to rescue it. I was impressed with him for trying to rescue the flowers.

Jardin Publique

We took a walk in the beautiful public park (le jardin publique) with muddy (rotten) pathways. On the way we bought some postcards. I planned to do that in a regular post-office but when I showed the cards I selected to my FRIEND Marcus my cards were ridiculed in public. We bought my postcards finally at a local Tabac store with the stamps we bought in the post-office. We went back to Boulogne-sur-Mer for a short nap and for our one star dinner.

One star dinner in restaurant de la Matelote

The dinner in restaurant de la Matelote was in one word perfect. It comprised (for each of us) 7 courses. First we were invited to an aperitif, then followed a spoon, the starter (an asparagus salad with truffles for both us), again a spoon, the main course (for Marcus tender beef on spinach, for me a mix of vegetables, rice and spinach), followed by a final spoon before ice cream (sorbet with fresh fruit). I don’t remember what we had to drink and whether we had a final cup(s) of coffee but it was simply a perfect dinner. Afterwards we walked outside on the beach to get some fresh air (wind) and at eleven we called it a day.