Timeless Nuggets of Wisdom

Nugget #533:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:04:00 +0000

Watching the sun set behind the stunning Seattle cityskape, I can't help but think about how I'm really fucking certain I left the stove on.

Nugget #532:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 18:58:00 +0000

I'm going to open an Ultra Ultra lounge. Everything is going to be sprayed down with lube, and when you order a drink the bartender slashes you across the face with a broken Slinky. Here's where the extra "Ultra" comes in though: Happy Hour all day Sundays.

Nugget #531:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 18:56:00 +0000

My whole "Weren't the 50s keen?" thing didn't go down so well in Harlem.

Nugget #530:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 18:54:00 +0000

Give me an ounce of chloroform and I'll give youaaauuhhh.

Nugget #529:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 00:11:00 +0000

If you close your eyes and listen, California girls sound vaguely Vietnamese.

Nugget #528:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:41:00 +0000

I pimped my car out yesterday. By that I mean I ask my friends for twenty bucks after I give them a ride, and if they don't pay up I beat the shit out of them.

Nugget #527:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:43:00 +0000

My new brand of organic, premium, vegan, carbon neutral, LGBT-friendly teen cosmetics are taking over the world. Hitler style.

Nugget #526:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:41:00 +0000

Scatman Crothers keeps hacking my twitter. At least I assume it's Scatman. All they do is complain about being typecast in movies as a "jazzy uncle Tom".

Nugget #525:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:08:00 +0000

I bought a $10 Groupon for $20 worth of Aurora prostitutes. Sure, I got half off the price, but why do I feel twice as guilty for strangling her to death?

Nugget #524:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 20:12:00 +0000

There are two kinds of people in this world: People with attached earlobes, and people with outie belly buttons. They both make me feel like my Middle school gym teacher is making me shower after class without my swim trunks on.

Nugget #523:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:10:00 +0000

Whenever I get real down in the dumps about life I have one surefire trick that puts me in a good mood instantly every time. Meth.

Nugget #522:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:08:00 +0000

2009 was the year of the ox? Thanks for cluing me in, guys! God, I would have done that year much differently.

Nugget #521:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:05:00 +0000

God, I'm such a makeout whore. Seriously. I'll makeout with you for twenty bucks right now. Please. My kids need groceries and this mama's nose is hungry, mister.

Nugget #520:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:05:00 +0000

I'll tell you something: It's downright impossible to read an economics book around multi-generational families of dwarves.

Nugget 519:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 05:57:00 +0000

Pssh. I had grapheme–color synesthesia before it was cool.

Nugget #518:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 22:47:00 +0000

It would be hard to remember 9/11 in a dignified way if those planes had crashed into a popcorn factory.

Nugget #517:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 22:39:00 +0000

I find it odd that we park on driveways and drive on parkways. Also, that being a "sexual predator" is not as badass as it sounds.

Nugget #516:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 02:29:00 +0000

It's a solar panel for a sex machine. No, I mean, it really is. That's the solar panel, and that's the sex machine. Yeah, I mean, it's "green", but, it's just...it's just horrible.

Nugget #515:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 17:10:00 +0000

My "Security" t-shirt isn't very helpful in the bathtub.

Nugget #514:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:08:00 +0000

I feel like "spangled" only applies to flags, porn, and glittery shotcrete.

Nugget #513:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 23:00:00 +0000

If there ever comes a time when I have two spotlights simultaneously shining on me and I'm not fellating a clown? Mission Accomplished.

Nugget #512:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 02:56:00 +0000

I wish pregnant women would sometimes give birth to pickles so that saying would make more sense.

Nugget #511:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 02:55:00 +0000

I saw a t-shirt that said "Gay is the new Black". It made me wonder whether I'm behind on fashion or prejudice.

Nugget #510:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:10:00 +0000

I'm picturing a leathery-skinned guy with a goatee and very little body fat. What? It's a horse?

Nugget #509:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

How do chicken eggs stay fresh in a hot chicken uterus and a cold refrigerator? That hasn't worked for even one of my kids.