Timeless Nuggets of Wisdom

Nugget #495:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 00:15:00 +0000

Driving shirtless makes me feel like I should have a divorce under my belt by now.

Nugget #494:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 23:14:00 +0000

Trust me, you haven't seen gruesome till you've seen a mobile blood donation van hit a semi full of hogs on the freeway.

Nugget #493:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 23:12:00 +0000

Who knew malt liquor was so cost-effective! Oh, right. The poor.

Nugget #492:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 21:38:00 +0000

Life is a lot like prison: Even if you're innocent, you're fucked.

Nugget #491:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:16:00 +0000

Where can I bring my young children so that they might be exposed to the angry ramblings and threatening stumblings of drunk, sunburnt homeless men? If only my tax dollars could be misused to fund a traumatic public area such as the one I describe.

Nugget #490:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 21:08:00 +0000

Dear Newport: Your ads feature white people not smoking. I don't see any of them wearing shoes for hats and hats for shoes, so am assuming your marketing department is broken.

Nugget #489:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 20:51:00 +0000

In the future alien species are homogeneous in every way! And everyone becomes super prejudice about the whole thing.

Nugget #488:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:10:00 +0000

Frankenstein and mummies are really getting shafted in this Halloween creature erotic fiction battle.

Nugget #487:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:09:00 +0000

I'll tell you what: I have had it up to here trying to sell my prepubescent-geared erotic fiction to publishers. They wouldn't know a good thing if it punched them in the uvula.

Nugget #486:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 19:08:00 +0000

I like to butt-dial people I'm angry with just so they have to say Hi directly to my anus.

Nugget #485:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 20:46:00 +0000

That's what he or she said depending on their sexual orientation!

Nugget #484:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 16:56:00 +0000

My cod liver oil bottle has a lot of backwash in it, which is weird since the cap seal wasn't broken when I bought it. But, you know. We're talking cod.

Nugget #483:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 18:57:00 +0000

When leaving or returning to our seats at movie theaters, why not make it fun and just crowd surf?

Nugget #482:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:02:00 +0000

Bikwondo: A taekwondo dating service for bi-sexual, taekwondo-enthusiasts looking to date other bi-sexual, Taekwondo-enthusiasts.

Nugget #481:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 20:55:00 +0000

Ever since I was a kid I've feared becoming a wittol, and look at me now. Man. Wrong turn at wittolquerque.

Nugget #480:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 27 May 2010 19:57:00 +0000

Ever taken a look at the locks on the chimpanzee cages at the zoo? They're tiny. And that's the real difference between man and chimp: Finesse. You give that chimp a normal sized lock and a key, and he'd have it open before he could bite your face and all your fingers off. But you give him a tiny lock and a tiny key, and his nimble fingers and opposable thumbs are as useless as a rapper without a wildly inflated sense of self-confidence. Finesse.

Nugget #479:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Fri, 21 May 2010 14:48:00 +0000

Downtown youth! Can we not discuss the frequency and amplitude of your exclamations towards peers located across the street?

Nugget #478:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Tue, 18 May 2010 17:44:00 +0000

When Salt-n-Pepa sing "You so crazy / I think I wanna have your baby", does she intend to actually raise this baby or just Plan-B it because they're so nuts about this guy? I worry about their impulsiveness.

Nugget #477:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 13 May 2010 17:30:00 +0000

Will TV news ever become even slightly adept at appropriate transitions between news stories? It's excruciating to see Ann Curry transition from playing with an adorable bear cub a zoologist brought in-studio, to a story on car bombings in Israel. I understand one has to mix things up, but is there no solution? History would apparently point to, No. I yearn for a solution, at least for Ann's sake.

Nugget #476:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Mon, 10 May 2010 17:25:00 +0000

Am I the only one that's sometimes too lazy to poop? PROS: I'm comfy, watching a movie on the couch. CON: I should probably go poop. I swear - these everyday battles.

Nugget #475:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Tue, 04 May 2010 20:00:00 +0000

When flirting with a girl wearing an eyepatch, make sure you wink on her good side. Same type of thing goes for wooing a girl with one deaf ear. Hell, paraphelia for the disabled is a pain in my ass, period.

Nugget #474:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 19:52:00 +0000

What I wouldn't do to have a public garage memorialized in my name. Or have a sticker on the back of someone's car informing people that I'm dead. Also, I don't know. Have someone crap on my grave?

Nugget #473:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 21:13:00 +0000

Is the black nub at the end of a peeled banana its anus? And if so, this unsettles what I thought was my well-defined sexuality.

Nugget #472:

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 19:24:00 +0000

Have you ever been too lazy to poop? I swear, sometimes I have been so lazy that I spend ten minutes weighing the pros and cons of laying on the couch holding it in, or of having to muster the strength to walk to the bathroom and do some fecal exercise. But hey. Life presents us crossroads every day, and we have to have the gumption to pick a road.

SPIDEY SENSES

timelessnuggets@gmail.com (Ian) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 17:53:00 +0000