Timeless Nuggets of Wisdom

Nugget #528:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:41:00 +0000

I pimped my car out yesterday. By that I mean I ask my friends for twenty bucks after I give them a ride, and if they don't pay up I beat the shit out of them.

Nugget #527:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:43:00 +0000

My new brand of organic, premium, vegan, carbon neutral, LGBT-friendly teen cosmetics are taking over the world. Hitler style.

Nugget #526:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:41:00 +0000

Scatman Crothers keeps hacking my twitter. At least I assume it's Scatman. All they do is complain about being typecast in movies as a "jazzy uncle Tom".

Nugget #525:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:08:00 +0000

I bought a $10 Groupon for $20 worth of Aurora prostitutes. Sure, I got half off the price, but why do I feel twice as guilty for strangling her to death?

Nugget #524:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 20:12:00 +0000

There are two kinds of people in this world: People with attached earlobes, and people with outie belly buttons. They both make me feel like my Middle school gym teacher is making me shower after class without my swim trunks on.

Nugget #523:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:10:00 +0000

Whenever I get real down in the dumps about life I have one surefire trick that puts me in a good mood instantly every time. Meth.

Nugget #522:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:08:00 +0000

2009 was the year of the ox? Thanks for cluing me in, guys! God, I would have done that year much differently.

Nugget #521:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:05:00 +0000

God, I'm such a makeout whore. Seriously. I'll makeout with you for twenty bucks right now. Please. My kids need groceries and this mama's nose is hungry, mister.

Nugget #520:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:05:00 +0000

I'll tell you something: It's downright impossible to read an economics book around multi-generational families of dwarves.

Nugget 519:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 05:57:00 +0000

Pssh. I had grapheme–color synesthesia before it was cool.

Nugget #518:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 22:47:00 +0000

It would be hard to remember 9/11 in a dignified way if those planes had crashed into a popcorn factory.

Nugget #517:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 22:39:00 +0000

I find it odd that we park on driveways and drive on parkways. Also, that being a "sexual predator" is not as badass as it sounds.

Nugget #516:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 02:29:00 +0000

It's a solar panel for a sex machine. No, I mean, it really is. That's the solar panel, and that's the sex machine. Yeah, I mean, it's "green", but, it's just...it's just horrible.

Nugget #515:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 17:10:00 +0000

My "Security" t-shirt isn't very helpful in the bathtub.

Nugget #514:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:08:00 +0000

I feel like "spangled" only applies to flags, porn, and glittery shotcrete.

Nugget #513:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 23:00:00 +0000

If there ever comes a time when I have two spotlights simultaneously shining on me and I'm not fellating a clown? Mission Accomplished.

Nugget #512:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 02:56:00 +0000

I wish pregnant women would sometimes give birth to pickles so that saying would make more sense.

Nugget #511:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 02:55:00 +0000

I saw a t-shirt that said "Gay is the new Black". It made me wonder whether I'm behind on fashion or prejudice.

Nugget #510:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:10:00 +0000

I'm picturing a leathery-skinned guy with a goatee and very little body fat. What? It's a horse?

Nugget #509:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

How do chicken eggs stay fresh in a hot chicken uterus and a cold refrigerator? That hasn't worked for even one of my kids.

Nugget #508:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 03:06:00 +0000

I'm not racist, dear boy; I'm raceful. It requires more panache. Now fetch me my octoroon divining rod!

Nugget #507:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 01:50:00 +0000

A female performing fellatio is called a fellatrice or fellatrix, but only if she and the receiver of said fellatio are at a medieval faire, or are both robots.

Nugget #506:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +0000

The fruit bat is the only non-primate to practice oral sex, but that's only if you exclude all the other really slutty non-primates.

Nugget #505:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 05:38:00 +0000

The polka dot originates from a traditional Polish dance in which six men and six women dance in a circle formation, and then beat each other to death with their bare hands till the last one standing screams, "Żadna litość".

Nugget #504:

noreply@blogger.com (Ian) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 20:37:00 +0000

The day that straight men take as much pride in their appearance as gay men do is the day women lose all power over us. And then we'll take away their right to vote.