Tim's Headache

It's About to get Personal ((Because I've NEVER Done THAT Before, wink wink))

2014-03-12T09:18:00.003-07:00

Since I no longer post my thoughts on Facebook, I'm coming here to vent everything that has run through my mind this morning. But first, I must warn you that the video blog will not be happening right away, as I have to figure out exactly how to do it…and I have to get over this cold that came out of no where. I'm starting to think that someone with a Kimberly voodoo doll had something to do with it, but whatever….I'm not judging you. You're free to feel how you feel about me…I still love you.

Here are all my random thought for today….up until 9am:

1. I have a cold and an uncontrolled dripping nose and the urge to sneeze but never do. I ache all over. It hurts to wear clothes, but alas, I am wearing them.

2. I have stomach issues and it's really getting on my nerves!! (This is where it's going to get really personal, so brace yourself). It never freakin' fails. I get in the car to drive the kids to school and the cramps start. Not just little cramps. No, no, no. The kind of cramps where you're doubled over in pain and wishing someone would just put you out of your misery. But guess what….my kids have to go to school and be there by a certain time, despite my crippling stomach cramps. I literally get in the car and think, well, this is it. Today is the day that one of two things are going to happen: I'm either going to pass out at the wheel from the pain, or I'm going to poop my pants in the car. Either one would be a complete disaster. (For the record, I have previously written about my stomach issues a year or two back…) Today it almost happened, but somehow, by the grace of God, I made it home. Ugh…I have so many issues…..and apparently no shame.

3. I really hate when people fly into the school parking lot the wrong way. I almost hit a guy today when I was trying to exit the exit and he was entering the exit. And with the stomach issues today, that could have been a double disaster. Dude, it's really not that hard to drive a few more feet and just drive through the parking lot.

4. I'm still all upset about the haps on Facebook last night. I can't let it go. Maybe I need to do my own parody of the Frozen song "Let it Go" about holding grudges. Hum….my wheels are turning.

5. I'm on a quest to lose weight. I'm fluffy right now and I want to lose some poundage. I'm looking forward to sharing that journey with you, via video. That being said, I'm not having much luck so far, (could be the cupcakes and pepsi I pound down everyday, who knows…) and I'm about to start taking Ellen's Degeneres' advice. Yesterday on her show she mentioned a fake account using her name and it was trying to plug a diet remedy. She said, "first of all, I would never post this. I believe in losing weight the old fashioned way….by smoking." ((For those of you who don't understand sarcasm, she was kidding.)) So, if you see me puffing away on my Blu e-cig, it's not because I've gone off the deep end. It's because it's all because of my diet regimen.

6. I had a mammogram yesterday. It wasn't too bad. The worst wasn't until afterwards, when I realized it didn't even bother me that some other woman was tossing my girls all over the place.

7. I love Ellen Degeneres. ((This is no way related to #6. Keep your mind out of the gutter. Geez.))

I'm done for now. My brain is no longer communicating properly with my fingers, due to a pill I may or may not have popped…..

And I didn't proof read. Ain't nobody got time for that…..

VLOG - - So You Can SEE the Sarcasm

2014-03-11T20:44:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking of posting some video blogs on here, because then when I say something sarcastic, you can actually hear the sarcasm in my voice and see it on my face…..

I'm trying to lose weight and be healthy…..

Video blogs about that?

It just got really interesting, right?!?!

Stay tuned!

UNCLE!!!

2014-03-11T20:41:00.001-07:00

That's what my brother use to make me say when he was torturing me and I wanted him to stop. Dear Lord. Have Mercy. UNCLE!! UNCLE!!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again….I'm sarcastic. Everything I do and say is sarcastic….well, almost everything. I mean, if I tell you I love you, I mean it. But if I say I'm judging you….I'm probably being SARCASTIC!!!

But……

Let's be real…..

We ALL judge. It's true. I think it's just human nature. We all do it, wether we think it, say it, write it, post it….however you choose…you judge. We don't mean to judge. And we don't think of it as judging, but we do it.

You judge me for judging, right? I mean, it's a vicious cycle.

I think a lot of my "opinions" are construed as judging. I also like the words "judge" and "judging" so I use them loosely. Like when I'm singing really badly at the top of my lungs and busting out some of my sick moves, I look at the girls, and say, "Don't judge me!" Or one of them will say, "I'm totally judging you right now." It's just what we say. I thought it was a 'thing', but I guess I was wrong.

Today I posted a picture on Facebook, of what I thought were some very cute, yet incredibly short shorts, (that were on a hanger by they way, and not on anyone's body). They were in the junior section and they looked like they would barely cover Ella's ass (excuse the language. Don't JUDGE me). I'm sort of known for pointing out some inappropriate clothing so I thought it would be funny to post a picture and then comment with my take on them. Afterwards, I laid down for a snooze (don't judge me!) and when I woke up and scanned some comments, I thought to myself, "OMG…I so mad that I just paid to have my eyebrows done, because they were just singed off when that post blew up in my face."

I don't even remember exactly what I said and I didn't even read all the comments, but I know it got ugly…and that was not my intent. It was intended to be humorous.

So, let me explain a little….

I'm not a fan of short shorts. I'm also not a fan of leggings as pants, or tube tops, or pigtails on grown women, or boys that wear their pants below their butts, or have long hair, or their ears pierced, or gauges, or tattoos….I could go on….I'm not a fan of those THINGS...BUT, I LOVE all these people.

I just wanted to be funny and make some people laugh.

One thing that people often say to me is "I love your posts! You always say what everyone is thinking but don't have the guts to say it!" When I say that I'm judging, I don't mean that I'm actually thinking 'you're a slut and going to hell'…I'm thinking…"you look really cute and I hate you", or "you really should NOT be wearing those!"

Don't jump to conclusions and put words in my mouth, or on my page.

I don't think I'll be posting much to Facebook anymore, at least for now. I will come here and say what I want, when I want and if you post a comment I don't like, I'll delete it.

I'm sorry if anyone was offended by anything I ever posted on Facebook. It's all in good fun. Honestly, if Ellen said it, you would laugh….RIGHT?

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Peace out.

Jealous?

2014-01-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

"A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.

Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

Just be happy."

- Billy Hufsey

I got that from my good friend Billy Hufsey. He's my friend...on facebook. And he "pokes" me a lot. He also starred on "FAME" and is the one and only James Maslow's manager or agent or something... Yeah...we're friends. BFFS. Biffles. Besties.....Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little....

Sorry...off topic. Back to the quote:

While I mostly agree with it, I must admit that I do have my moments of jealousy. GASP!! Shocker. I know, but they tend to be a little more like this..."I wish I had that much money so I could drive a car like that." "I wish my hair was that long and shiny." "I wish I could wear leggings as pants." (That last one's not true. I don't think anyone should wear leggings as pants.) But I do think it's normal to be jealous...to a point. It's when someone confuses their own jealousy with criticism and hatefulness is when it becomes a real problem.

Don't get me wrong, I can dish out my fair share of criticism, and, I'll admit, sometimes it's jealousy. Sometimes I don't understand how someone can manage to get every single thing they want...like they just snap their fingers and it happens. It annoys me...but I'm jealous, too. I want that super power!! When I should say, "Wow, they're really blessed and they must work really hard...", I'm guilty of saying, "they must have sold their soul to the devil!!" I am guilty of jealousy. Everyone is, but....

Come on. Admit it. It's annoying when someone gets everything they want.

That being said, I feel some people feel that way about me...and for whatever reason, don't like me...just tolerate me. And I want to set the record straight....

I'm spoiled (always have been). My kids are spoiled. I'm sorry if we "annoy" you. I'm sorry that my husband takes good care of me and allows me to have nice things and not work outside the home. I'm sorry that my kids are good kids and the one teen I have so far, takes honors classes, gets good grades, has good friends, and makes good choices. (Don't worry, I have 2 more to screw up).

But I don't get everything I want. I really want a pool. I really want a remodeled kitchen and bathrooms and doors that match throughout the whole house. I really want an Audi. I really want a house on Catalina Island. I really want a lot of things....I really want you to just like me for who I am.

I don't know what I ever did to you. If memory serves, I've always been nice and generous.

I rack my brain constantly to try to figure it out, and I've got nothing...nothing except jealousy.

So guess what...I'm done caring. I'm sorry your life sucks. Despite how you feel about me, I will continue to be nice and friendly. I'm not going to change how I treat you and you're not going to change how you treat me. I will be nice to you, and you will be nice to my face, and talk about me behind my back and pick me apart trying to find anything and everything wrong with me. And I won't care.

The more I think about it...now I just feel sorry for you....

Have a nice day...

Common Sense is, Apparently, NOT Very Common

2013-01-31T21:03:00.001-08:00

OMG...I seriously nearly took a woman out tonight while I was picking up Gracie. I picked up Mia first with no problems. Why? Because all those parents have brains! They will park in a spot or pull over and park far enough over so people can get around them. It's the polite thing to do, right?

Then I headed over to get Gracie. The street is a dead end, so you can park on the street or in the enormous parking lot directly across the street. I was there early so I backed into a spot, turned off my lights and waited. Pretty soon other parents started showing up and rather than park, they started forming a line, in the parking lot, blocking me from getting out of my space. I think maybe someone with 1/2 a brain realized I was there, and moved so I could exit when ready. But then....two other cars, with two stupid, no brained drivers, parked in the approach into the parking lot, facing the same way, making it impossible for any of us get out without them moving. After Gracie got in the car, I started creeping out. I crept up to the two cars and acted like I was going to attempt to squeeze my enormous car between them, thinking that, at that point, they have to realize they need to move so I can get through, or I'm going to squash their little cars like bugs. But no...they just sat there. I know my lights had to be blinding at least one of them. (I really wish I could draw you a diagram right now so you could get the total picture....and, yeah, I'm getting all worked up again...Idiots.) I was all like, "SERIOUSLY?!?!?! Oh. Em. Gee." (I love doing the valley girl accent.)

Ok, so, um...yeah. That irritated me quite a bit.

Hey...I get that you don't want your kid crossing the street alone and I get that you just want to pull up and have your kid jump in so you can race off, because you're too lazy to park 10 feet away and walk up to meet them. I GET IT!!! But what I don't get is how you can block someone from being able to do the same thing if their kid comes out first. What makes your time so much more valuable than ours?

I do the drive-thru at school all the time. I know how it works (or, how it should work, anyway). You wait in line, kids load up, and you drive away. If I get to the front and my kids aren't there, I circle around so the people behind me can load up their kids and be in their merry little way. If my kids are there, I'm like totally screaming at them to hurry because people are waiting. I mean, in all honesty, if you were to time me, it would probably take me about 15 seconds to get Ella buckled in and Mia to get her backpack in the back, jump in, and drive off. 15 seconds, max. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!! Get in, get out, get on it. That doesn't really apply here, but you get what I'm saying. Anyhoooooo....it's really not that hard people. And, um, hello...it's just common courtesy.

I'm not going to lie to ya...I drank the kool-aid a couple times and joined in the line of cars forming their own make-shift drive-thru...BUT...I would never block another car if I knew there was someone in it or someone came out and got in while I was sitting there. I would seriously have a panic attack if I couldn't get out of their way.

So, back to picking up Gracie...after sitting behind those cars for a bit, one of them (the one technically on the wrong side of the road/driveway), suddenly pulls out and moves forward. I thought it was for me. I was like, "They must have realized they were wrong and wanted to get out of my way. Maybe they're not complete idiots after all." So, I swoop around and head out onto the street. Then she stop...in the middle of the street and a kid runs out to the car, with another adult. The adult comes over, bends down and starts having a conversation with the driver. Laughin' and having a grand ol' time. Now, I'm in the middle of the driveway/street (remember I have a monster of a car), blocking the people on the other side of the street from being able to come into the parking lot, which is what they have to do to turn around and head out.

I'm sort of freaking out, because as I mentioned earlier, I don't like to block other cars if at all possible. So, this car just keeps sitting there and I see the kid take off running for the building again and the adult still just chattin' away! Then the adult finally walks away and I think, "Here's our chance. She's going to move out to the way so I can get by." She only needed to pull up a bit and skootch over so I can squeeze by.

So, what do you think she did? NOTHING. Seriously??!?!?! She just sat there!!! Oh. My. Gosh. I'm not a honker, but I seriously considered it. I also considered bumping her out of the way and getting out to punch her in the throat. But like Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect, I decided I probably better not.

She finally moved and I got out, but not before my children heard me call her some not so nice names and preach about how stupid people were. And because of the amount of time we sat there, I was able to fit in an entire sermon.

Obviously, this is a huge pet peeve of mine. I can not believe how many people have no common sense.It's like it doesn't exist anymore! It never ceases to amaze me. You would think as much as I encounter it, I would be use to it, but nope. I swear, I should teach a class on common sense. I've never been very book smart, but I have common sense...well, common courtesy, anyway.

Here is a list of the topics we would cover in my class:

Don't park in the middle of the street.

Don't leave your car unattended in the drive-thru parking area with 10 cars behind you.

Don't block a drive way.

Apologize when you do something stupid while driving, either verbally or with a smile and wave.

If you're standing in the middle of the isle at Target, and talking on your phone, and someone comes up behind you and can't get around you, move your a$$.

If you're crossing the street, and a car is waiting on you, RUN!!! You really might want to pick up the pace a little, unless you want that smirk knocked off your face when I mow your sorry little pant saggin' butt down. (Sorry...rant.)

If you have more than 10 items (or whatever the express lane limit is), don't go through the express lane.

If you pay with cash and are given change, throw the change in your wallet and move yo a$$!!

Don't write a check. No one writes checks at stores any more.

Don't wear clothes that make the rest of us want to vomit when we look at you.

Bathe.

Ok, so I strayed off topic for a minute, but you get my drift, right?

P.S. I wonder how many people will see me coming at Target now and get my out of my way...

Anxiety Sucks

2013-01-28T11:01:00.001-08:00

anx·i·e·ty

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

Synonyms

worry - concern - care - uneasiness - trouble - disquiet

Hi, I'm Kimberly, and I have anxiety. Wait, no. I don't have it...it has me, and I'm it's little bitch. Anxiety controls me. My thoughts. My body. My sleep. My appetite. And yes, even my bowels.

I know this is hard for people who don't suffer from it to understand, but anxiety is real. And it, in my honest opinion, is the devil. It possesses me. Anxiety is always there...waiting for the perfect opportunity to jump out and grab me and choke me until I can no longer breathe.

Let me see if I can explain how anxiety affects me.

The definition above says that it's a feeling of worry or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. I would say that is spot on, wouldn't you? Well, to a normal person...but this is what happens to me...

Let's say, I hear something that I know might upset Gracie and know I'm going to have to tell her about it. I get that nervous feeling, like any normal mother would feel. Then I get it again, and again, and again, and then I wonder...why do I keep feeling like that? Is there something wrong with me? Then I get light headed and a little dizzy and my heart starts racing and I think, it's not the nervousness I feel for Gracie...something is genuinely wrong inside my body and I'm going to die. And then it lingers. And everything makes you nervous. Getting the kids to school on time. What you're going to fix for dinner. That feeling of nervousness never goes away. That can wear on you, let me tell ya. When you're least expecting it, BAM! Your heart is racing and you feel weak. Then the only think you can think of is you have to stay conscience long enough to find a place to sit and get your head between your knees. And if you're not in a position to do that (i.e. driving), then you go into full on panic mode over what is going to happen if you don't get there.

I know that sounds so absurd to someone that has never experienced it...but it's real. Dang it. It's real. And it sucks.

So many people suffer from anxiety in so many different ways. In my case, it's mostly hypochondria induced by the pressures of being a wife, mother, and daughter and all the responsibly and worry that go along with it. Sounds really strange, now, huh?

I see so much of myself in Gracie and I can not even imagine her having to live an entire lifetime like this. So, I'm getting help...and not JUST from my friend, Xannie. I'm seeing a professional and praying that what I learn, I can pass on to her and she will be able to live an anxiety free life.

I'm not going to lie...anxiety has it perks. One time I had a nervous breakdown. I spent a good week in a constant state of nervousness with my heart racing, no sleep, no appetite and I lost 6 lbs in 5 days! Whoop!! Holla! Then, since caffeine plays a huge role in anxiety, I gave up Pepsi and lost another 10 lbs at least. But, alas, over time, my medication started working and I started drinking Pepsi again, and well......yeah.

Anyhoo...My point is...if you don't suffer from anxiety, don't just assume that someone should be able to just shut it off and function normally. That's not how our brains work. Anxiety is different for everyone and can be debilitating. Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it's not real. It's most definitely real...and it sucks.

I don't want this blog to be a downer or to make me look weak and pitiful. Because, quite frankly, I think I'm a pretty strong lady. I just wanted to open up a little...and maybe, since I've got this off my chest, I can start being funny again.

To Facebook or Not to Facebook, that is the Question.

2013-01-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Poor little neglected Gracie doesn't have a Facebook. I think she's one of 5 kids her age in the whole world that doesn't have one. The other four are my niece and nephew and the Obama girls.

Why, you ask? I'll tell you why....

1. Predators. No matter how hard you try to shield your child from predators, they can still manage to get through. I don't know how. But they do. Haven't you ever watched that news show where the news guy loures sicko, nasty, low-life, good for nothin', buttface predators to a house, under the rouse that they will be meeting an underage girl...to just "talk", then the news guy bombards him, grills him, then has him arrested. You've seen that, right? That's real, man. Like seriously. It happens. Those predators are hecka smart...and the teens...well, not so much. Why, because THEY. ARE. TEENS. Their brains are not developed enough to necessarily make rational decisions. That's just only the truth. I know this, because I took a child development class, like, 7 years ago...and I got an A in the class. So, that makes me an expert. That, and I was a teen once and I also have a teen. So yeah...

2. Technology. Once it's out there, it's out there and there ain't no gettin' it back. I know this, because once someone posted a not so nice picture of me (without my consent) and now it's plastered all over this not so nice website, called, "People of Walmart". Granted, it was because they had never seen someone of my caliber in Walmart before and they were in total awe of my beauty, but still. I can't take that back. Now the entire world knows I shop at Walmart. It's out there. FOR-EVER. Ok...I'm lying about that...but I'm not lying about not being able to take it back. Once it's there, even if you delete it...it's still there, somewhere, just waiting to ruin your life. I mean look at Paris Hilton, for goodness sakes. Or Kim Kardashian. Oh wait...those were bad examples....

3. Kids/people are MEAN. And all this "like for TBH and RATE" mumbo jumbo is for the birds. Let's think about this for a second. Here we have kids, behind a computer, or phone, or whatever, with no one, or nothing to filter them. So...let's say you like someone's status to get a TBH, and they don't really like you very much. Well, they don't have to look you in the eye, so they say, "TBH, I don't really like you that much. I think you're weird." Granted, the kid asked for it, but still...they are so fragile and rejection can crush them. Why allow them to set themselves up for that kind of rejection? Or what if they post a not so flattering picture of themselves...

I don't know...I just think all this posting and picture sharing crapola is too risky for young, impressionable kids. So, I know this kid that had an instagram and as I'm looking at it, I notice all that's happening here is that they were posting pictures of themselves and waiting for people to comment and like them. It freaked me out. What if they get 15 likes and 1 rude comment? What do you think is going to affect them more? Um, the one rude comment. I just feel like they're setting themselves up for criticism they don't need.

Don't believe me? Watch a lifetime movie about cyber bullying. It's real, man. And it's not funny.

I put myself out there every day when I post something. And on more than one occasion, when I was just trying to be funny, it has come back to bite me in the butt. I can't willingly and knowingly let my daughter subject herself to that. And there is no way that I can adequately monitor her facebook page when I can't even monitor my own.

Therefore, I say (in my best Soup Nazi voice), "NO FACEBOOK FOR GRACE!"

Hold them Close

2012-12-14T12:39:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I posted how crazy my kids were making me...and today, all I want to do is curl up in my bed with all three of my girls, and hold them closer than ever. I can not even fathom what the people of Newtown, CT. are going through. My prayers go out to the families of all the victims and the community as a whole.

I will hold these three beauties a little closer tonight.

God Bless everyone.

Hi, I'm Kimberly, The Screaming Banshee

2012-12-13T10:39:00.002-08:00

I know I've blogged about this before, but I'm going to again, because it's still bugging me...and probably always will, but sometimes, you just need to vent. So...here's my vent....

Do you ever fell like all you ever do is YELL? Oh. My. Gosh. I really do try to start out sweet and quiet, but after repeating myself at least 5 times, over the course of an hour, that sweet has become sour and the quiet has become the sound of a banshee making ones ears bleed.

Yesterday, I think I nearly got arrested. I was picking Mia and Ella up from school and I was sitting in the drive-thru pick-up. (Note the "drive-thru" part, meaning one is not suppose to sit for extended periods of time in the "drive-thru pick-up area". And one's children need to hurry their little butts up when mom is sitting there!) They walked out to the car, very s-l-o-w-l-y and as I was buckling in Ella, Mia opened her door and just stood there and was yapping about something, about what, I have no idea, because she talks so fast I can't usually understand her, and I told her to put her backpack in the back and get in the car. "Ok, Mia...you can tell me in a minute. Put your backpack in the car and get in." And she just kept talking. And talking. And talking. AND TALKING....I was trying so hard to restrain myself. I told her a couple more times to get in the car, but she Just. Kept. Talking. Finally, I leaned in the car and through my teeth I very sternly said, "MIA!! Put your freakin' backback in the car and get in!! OH. MY. GOSH!!" Then I turned around to get in my own seat and growled, rather loudly and probably quite frighteningly, and just as I did it, there was a dad...right there...on the sidewalk next to my car...which was like right in my face. He had this look of horror on his face. I smiled very pleasantly and laughed and said, "Oh gosh...she's won't stop talking and get in the car. (hehehehehe)" Then I sat down and said, "Oh, shi....." Gracie, being un-phased by my tirade, said, "What? What did you do?" She didn't see or hear any of it...which I'll get to later...Then I thought, "Oh, come on, dude...I know you've lost it a couple times in your parenting lifetime. Unless you're a freak or on some HEAVY medication...I KNOW you have. So, DON'T JUDGE ME." Then I stuck my tongue out at him and, since Mia was finally safely in the car, I sped away. Ok, I didn't physically stick my tongue out at him, but I really, really wanted to. And I didn't speed away because I was still in a school zone and the CHP a little sweet on the area.

I'm tired, people. So, so tired. Tired of yelling. Tired of me yelling at them to do something and them responding, "in a second...," or "let me finish this first...," or, my all time fave, "as soon as this episode/movie is over." I'm certain that when I talk, all they hear is the adults from the Charlie Brown movies. And their responses are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I immediately throw my hands over my ears and crumple in pain.

Then, yesterday, a miracle happened. It was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! I told Gracie to unload the dishwasher and this was her response, "In a sec....I mean, OK!" And she promptly jumped up and walked into the kitchen, where I was once standing, but was now on the floor, because I had fainted.

I was so happy!!! Then I got mad because I got so happy that one of my kids actually did something that I told them to do, the first time, without me yelling. What is happening here? Where did I go wrong along the way? I would think that they would be sick of hearing my irritating screaming voice and want to avoid it at any costs, but apparently that is not the case, and could be one or all of the following: 1. They think it's soothing. 2. They think it's funny to piss me off. 3. It's more like a dog whistle and humans can't hear it. 4. It's just background noise to them and they tune it out. 5. They're lazy and they Just. Don't. Care.

I find that I rarely have a normal conversation with the kids because after screaming non-stop at them, I just really don't feel like "talking". I'm always in a pissy mood and the only time I enjoy them is when I look at them in pictures. Ok...that's a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes it feels that way.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels like this. I love my children more than anything, but I'm not going to lie...they make me CRAY!!!

Now, once again, I gladly, and formally, accept your nomination for Mother of the Year.

P.S. I'm going to proof this about 20 times. Then I'm going to publish it...and then I'm going to back and read it again and find places where I've left out words and used horrible punctuation. But guess what...I'm NOT PERFECT. I know. It's a shock. Now pick your chin up off the floor, comment, and share it with all your friends anyway. Someday I'll have the time to write, have my sister edit, then publish, but that day is not today.

P.P.S. I was asked to paint a table for a LIVE auction that happened today and I'm proud to say that it sold for $175!!! WOO HOO!!! I paid $15 for the thing!! Holla! I didn't get any money for it, but I got the satisfaction of knowing my handiwork brought in $175 for the Salvation Army! I'm such a good samaritan (she said patting herself on the back...)!

"Reducing the Risk" My Arse!

2012-12-10T11:55:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago, Gracie brought home a permission slip for a course to be held during her PE class called "Reducing the Risk: A Guide to Preventing Teen Pregnancy, STD's and Aids,"...or something stupid and long like that. I signed it. I read the entire slip before I signed it. But I signed it. Every kid that brought back the signed permission slip was put into a drawing for an iPad mini! Um, hello!! Who wouldn't sign it?!?! I'm kidding...that's not why I signed it. I signed it because I suffered through what seemed like 12 years of sex ed when I was in school, and she was irritating me, so I think it was some sub-conscience sick punishment I was giving her.

We've had "the talk", and she's pretty well informed...I think, anyway. I mean, I did what any loving, caring parent would do and I told her that if she has sex before marriage, she will get pregnant and die and the boy will also die...by her father's hand. And all that chaos could have been prevented if she'd just said NO.

Again...kidding. But honestly, I didn't see the harm in her taking the class. She knows about sex and our beliefs on the subject: No sex before marriage. I realize, and she does, too, that, unfortunately, that is not the case for many kids and the only way they will be educated is through a class like this at school. So...here we are...."Reducing the Risk".

Every day after class I get a little taste of what it's like for her. Once the teacher asked to give examples of what would make you NOT say no and a stupid boy said, "BOOBS!" She was MOR-TI-FIED! I laughed and said, "Honey...he's male. Get use to it....boys will say stuff like that for the rest of your life." She laughed it off. Then I started thinking of this as a learning experience for her. Not so much her learning how to reduce the risk for herself, but exposing her to people that aren't PRUDES like us. And learning how to let it roll of her back instead of freaking out and curling up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and crying. (Yeah, she's been that sheltered.)

Up until now...it seemed harmless. Then, the other day she informed that she had a homework assignment...to compare condom and spermicidal foam prices at two different stores. At first, because I was distracted when it came up, I said, "Oh, I'll do it for you. No big deal." Then forgot about it. Then she brought it to me last night and said, "I still need to do this...", then it hit me and I was like, "wait...what the holy helllllllo kitty is happening here?!?!?" Um...NO!!!! She will NOT, nor will I, do this. Neither one of us have any reason what so ever to need to know the price of condoms or any other birth control for that matter. So I said, "um...talk to your dad about it...." Then the shitaki mushrooms hit the fan!!! I believe his words were, "OH, HELL NO!!!'

We didn't want her to take a hit on her grade and since I signed the permission slip, I felt stupid writing the note and contradicting myself. I was afraid it said something in there that I missed and I didn't want it to come back and bite me in the boo-tay, so Tim wrote the note. He spent, seriously, an hour writing it. It was, I think, 3-4 sentences, but it was well written. I couldn't have said it better myself. Well, actually, I could have, but I'm not complaining because I didn't have to write it. Anyhoo...she has the class tomorrow and I'm curious to find out what is going to happen...

Now I'm thinking...what the heck are they teaching our kids?!?! I realize that no matter how much you teach/preach abstinence, there will be some kids that do it anyway, and those that do, should be informed of the consequences. HOWEVER....Teaching them where to find the best deal on condoms is taking it a little too far. And I don't know...maybe even a little encouraging. If they can work up the nerve to compare prices, then it's one step closer to working up the nerve to buy them. The teacher said to take their book and then people would know it was something for school. So, if you want to buy some, just take your book, get a couple different kinds and tell the cashier you're 'so embarrassed', but it's for school. Then, wham, bam, thank you ma'am...you've got your self 2 packages of condoms "for school", wink wink.

Maybe I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to that stuff. I have no problem telling my kids they will die or become horribly disfigured if they have sex before marriage. "Hey, kid...you know if you have sex before you're married, your wiener will shrivel up and fall off, right?" And little girl, "Having sex only once will get you pregnant and you will never sleep again and your cute perky boobs that got you in this mess in the first place are going to start sagging and pretty soon you'll be tucking them into your waist band. Oh, and you'll pee a little every time you cough, sneeze, or laugh really hard."

Oh, and don't even get me started on the emotions that go along with sex. Sure, you can prevent pregnancy and STD's, but there is no possible way to prevent the emotions associated with sex. It's just NOT POSSIBLE. And in some cases, the emotional effect is far worse than the physical one. I bet they don't teach that, now, do they?

I understand the premise of the class. I really do, but come on!! Use your ~~head~~ heart!

Then There's Us Ugly Girls....

2012-12-03T21:23:00.003-08:00

Have you ever noticed that the girls who are just naturally beautiful are always perfect and never have any underlying "issues". Nothing they have to cover up. They have the perfect hair, the perfect skin, the perfect nails. Even when they're sick, they're beautiful. They can go without make up and pull their hair up in a messy bun and still look stunning. They always smell nice, too.

Then there's us ugly girls. Well, not ugly...but we have to work at it. We look amazing on the outside, but underneath all the make up and cute Target clothes, we're a hot mess.

While the beautiful girls have perfect hair, we have frizzy, half curly, half straight hair, and we spend hours trying to make it look decent. Then goes to hell in a hand basket when there is even a hint of moisture in the air. Actually, mine is stick straight, but still requires blow drying with precision and a flat iron to make it look decent. If I don't fix it...I look like Paul McCartney during the Beatle years.

While the beautiful girls have perfect skin, we battle acne, spider veins, and cysts. Ok, so I never really battled much acne, but I have had my share of break outs and always at the perfect time...like picture day! And nothing covers it. Not even flesh colored spackle. Some how, that one enormous zit seems to remain very red and very, very large.

Spider veins. Ugh. I don't even have to wear fishnets because I've got them built right in! I swear...as soon as I start making money with this blog, I'm totally going to a plastic surgeon. I don't care what people think. Laser hair removal. Laser skin resurfacing. Botox. I'm all in!

Then there's the cysts. Yeah. Freakin' cysts. Today I went to the doctor for a sinus infection and what I thought was a swollen gland, brought on by the said sinus infection. I should be so lucky. I have this enormous cyst under my arm. And by under my arm, I mean my armpit. And it will probably have to be to be drained. Yep. Drained. Oh. My. Word. I'm so disgusting!! UGH!! I've been feeling so sorry for myself today, then I remembered someone I know (very well) had one on her butt. Then I felt a little better...well, a lot better, because I started laughing and couldn't stop. I'm seriously laughing out loud as I type this. Sorry, someone I know (very well), for laughing at you, but you made me feel better!!

After I left the doctor I went to the outlet mall and was in a store talking to a girl about some boots. Then I got this tickle in my throat. It started out little...then got BIG, FAST. My eyes started watering and then I started choking...and the girl just kept talking. I had mascara running down my face and I couldn't barely catch my breath. I finally said, "Um...cough cough...I have to...cough cough...go...cough cough..." The look on her face was priceless...And then I went running out the door, coughing uncontrollably and trying desperately not to pee my pants in the parking lot. I bet that never happens to a pretty girl.

It's so not fair.

I bet pretty girls don't burp, fart, or poop, either.

Wow. I just lay it all out there, don't I?

Family Photos: The Saga

2012-11-17T23:42:00.001-08:00

Why? Why can't it just be easy to do a family picture? I don't understand why God makes it nearly impossible to do a family picture without someone getting physically injured on picture day.

Today was the day I had been waiting on for a couple months. Well, technically years, because it's been several years since we took family pics last. I found a scarf...chevron print with grey, black, cream, tan and brown in it, and that was to the be inspiration for our entire wardrobe. I spent weeks and I don't even know how much money on our outfits. I would buy something and return it and buy something else and return it. Then when I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to find everything I needed at Target (because, yeah, that's the only place I went), I ventured over to the outlet mall. I have to admit...I felt defeated. Target let me down. Anyhoo...Finally, two days before the shoot, I did it! I had everything picked out and on hangers in my closet. NO ONE was to touch or even LOOK at their outfits. I was taking no chances.

Fast Forward to this morning: I woke up, lined up my soldiers and gave them their orders. "Baths. Showers. Teeth. Hair. Dressed. Once you are dressed and your hair is done, you are not to move, eat or breathe. Now MARCH!!"

Wait...have you noticed I keep telling them they can't breathe? I swear there is nothing sinister going on here.....*wink*

Then, it all went to hell in a hand basket. I was going to go into full detail of what went wrong, but I could start feeling the tension rise inside me as I typed. Stewing and boiling in my core...and I'm certain my family would not survive another blow up. There would be casualties, this I assure you.

Now, can someone please tell me why? Why can't it just go smoothly?!?! I swear all Mia's clothes fit on Thursday when I completed her outfit. Now why all of a sudden did the crotch on her jeggings hit her about her knees and her boots look like she borrowed them from Ronald McDonald? And her jacket look like it belonged to a giant and her shirt like it shrunk in the dryer?!?! WHY?!?!? And then the dang scarf. The scarf that was to be the center of attention (around my neck, duh)....why, when I put it on with my carefully thought out outfit, did it look retarded?!?!?! I was in my bathroom alone and I couldn't help it. I started talking to myself (I think might have even stomped my feet a little)..."Oh my gosh! I can't do this!! Why is this happening? This was the inspiration for the entire wardrobe and it looks STUPID!!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

Then Tim walked in. He looked at me like, "OMG...she's gone off the deep end." (I get that look a lot.) I blurted out that my scarf looked stupid and we had to stop by Tilly's to get Mia a new shirt. Just like that. Scarf is stupid and Mia needs a new shirt. He sighed and said, "So are we just going to give away the one that doesn't fit?!?!" Seriously? Did you not hear that MY scarf looked stupid? Mia's problem was an easy fix. Mine was nearly life threatening! I needed support, not, "Oh my gosh you're going to spend another $20?!?!" Because, you know...we're so destitute we can't afford a $20 shirt. Did I want to spend that extra money? NO!! And I really didn't want to make the stop at the stupid outlet mall on Saturday, either, but it was vital to the success of our family photos! So, um...yeah. I sort of went off. "I'm sorry but I've worked so hard on this and it's all falling apart on me!! And if you're worried about that extra $20, then we have problems because I'm pretty sure our insurance doesn't cover the mental institution I'm checking myself into after this!"

I popped a pill, calmed down, got in the car, stopped at the outlet mall, (where I went to pay and realized I didn't have my ATM card), and arrived at the studio (a couple minutes late) all in one piece. We somehow managed to take the pictures without tears, violence, or tequila. What they look like, I have no idea. But we all had on clothes, I managed to make my scarf look ok, and the pictures are done, da*n it! Surely, with all the shots she took, and the wonderful magic that is photoshop, there's got to be something in there I'll hang on my wall.

God, please...PLEASE let there be something there!!

I'll keep you posted.

P.S. My sister was taking bets on which one of the girls would cry once we got there (not including me). Sorry, sissy. No tears were shed...but then again, I have yet to see the proofs.

Parenting 101

2012-11-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

For the record, no such class exists...well, at least that I know of, and I know everything, so....yeah.

Today, I realized that I'm an expert in parenting. So, I've decided to give you a few pointers on how you, too, can be the "perfect" parent, just like moi. (That's suppose to sound like Miss Piggy, but I'm not sure how to spell it. Oh gosh...did I just call myself Miss Piggy? It is what it is.)

1. When you have a child, uh-hum, teen, that thinks you're a idiot and treats you like a leper, remind them where they came from.

Example: This morning, I walked into wake my sweet, sweet teen and touched her head to see if her hair was damp. Oh. My. Gosh. You would have thought I rubbed a hand full of snot all over her head. She came unglued. My reaction? "Are you kidding me?!?! I gave birth to you, child! You do know what the means, right? You were inside my body for 9 months and I BIRTHED YOU!!! You know how babies are born, right? I guarantee me touching your head is the least of your worries!" Then I got the, "UGH! **very loud sigh and pounding on the bed**". My guess was that the thought of that would make her cringe way more than me patting her on the head. I will now use that one regularly.

Also another good tip is to attack them and smother them with kisses. Or punch them in the nose and be done with it. Be careful though...don't make it bleed. You don't want to have to clean up that mess.

2. When you can't get your kids to clean up after themselves, get out your harp and start harping.

I use to think that since I was a stay at home mom, it was my job to clean up after everyone. So, I just did it. But, after this summer, when I was away so often helping my parents, and would come home to a house that looked like an episode of Hoarders, I'd had it! I cracked down. Now, I go so far as to call them from downstairs to pick up a little piece of paper on the floor. My middle one is the worst. Oh good Lord. That child is a P-I-G!! In their bathroom, there is a laundry chute AND a hamper. There is NO reason for her clothes to be on the floor. Yet, every dang day there they are. I don't care what she's doing, I will call her to pick them up. I will stand there and point out things she needs to do. I will stand there and watch her clean up her room. Brush her hair. Brush her teeth. Put on deodorant. Whatever it is she has to do, I stand there and watch her to make sure it's done. It drives her NUTS. But maybe, one of these days, she's get just sick enough of me glaring at her that she'll figure it out on her own. One can only hope anyway. (But, honestly, I'm not holding my breath.)

3. When beatings no longer work (that's a joke), try a punishment jar. Seriously, this is like, the BEST thing EVER (she said in her best valley girl voice)!! One day, after a rough morning, I was racking my brain to find something that would get through to them, but that didn't punish the whole family at the same time. I remembered that I see a lot of teachers have the kids names on sticks in a jar and they pull names to see who is going to answer a question, etc. Then it hit me! A punishment jar!! I got sticks and wrote down tons of awesome punishments that I knew they would hate. Some of my favorites include, "Rub Mom's back for 20 minutes", "Rub Mom's feet for 20 minutes", "Pick up dog poop", "(Insert name of a sister here) Choice", "Scrub the toilets", "(Insert name of a sister here) is your boss for a day"....lots of horrible things that they hate! One time Ella had to scrub the toilets. She cried (and I giggled) the entire time, but I think she learned her lesson! I LOVE when one of them pulls a "rub mom..." stick. Muahahahahahahaha!!!! While it was still warm and I was wearing flip flops all the time, one of them pulled the feet stick. My feet were filthy. It was so awesome. Oh, and when they pull the one that gives their sister her choice for their punishment...oh yeah...the poop usually hits the fan, then they have to clean up that mess, too.

4. When your children are fighting constantly and you think you can't stand it any more...tape their mouths shut and tie their hands together. Ok, I've never actually done that, but I'm not ruling it out, either. But an effective tool is making them hold hands everywhere they go, sit on the couch hugging for 15 minutes, and making them say or write down 10 things they genuinely love about each other. Not crappy little things, like "I like your shoes". Real things. I know it's inevitable that siblings are going to fight, but when it gets to the point that they're screaming at each other for breathing, then it's time to take immediate and serious action.

5. When all else fails...take a Xanax, a hot bath, and go to bed. Or a shot of tequila (or any type of liquor available to you). One day I was about go insane (Ok, that's pretty much everyday) and I literally took out a bottle of rum or something, (I don't know what it was, I was just looking for alcohol that would work fast), and took a shot. In about 10 minutes I felt this warm, calming sensation come over me and pretty soon I was tip-toeing through the tulips in my kitchen and the sound of the fighting and screaming suddenly sounded like angels singing. I thought, "this must be what heaven is like...."

Calm it down!! I'm kidding. Well, I'm not kidding about the time I took the shot, but I'm kidding about doing it regularly and thinking that heaven was like a really nice buzz. But I'm serious about sometimes using something to take the edge off. I don't see anything wrong with that...

In closing, I'd like to say that sometimes as parents, especially if you're very high strung like me, you need a break, and if a break just isn't possible, then do something to make it bearable. Prayer is a very effective tool, as well, but sometimes, alcohol just works faster.

I hope you've found these tips helpful. No go out there and be the best parent you can be!!

Your's truly,

Mother of the Year

14 years running

Sea of Sound

2012-11-09T11:40:00.001-08:00

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my cousin's son's band, Sea of Sound. If you go to their website, you can listen to a few of their songs. You can also read a little about them in this article in the Fresno Bee. They're going to be playing at the Cellar Door next Saturday, November 17th, and I'm gonna go. I told my cousin's wife to show him a picture of me so he knows me. Shoot. I better get her a current picture, because I've cut my hair and gained like 50lbs. I'd be like, "Yeah...that's my cousin Zach." And he'll be all like, "Um...hi. Who are you?" Actually, I would hope he would recognize me...but who knows. Anyway...if you get a chance...check them out. I'm currently listening to the tracks (I'm so hip...I used the word tracks, but I think I might have spelled it wrong) on the website and I'm really liking them. I mean, they're not Big Time Rush, but it's good. I'm going to see about getting some copies of their CD for Gracie to hand out. Get their name on the high school map, you know. Then, when they make it big because of us, they'll have to thank us in their Thank You's on their album and maybe even give us a cut of the profits. I don't know. We can work something out.

Anyway...check them out...

Have a great weekend!

We ARE Blessed

2012-11-05T09:39:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, Gracie sang for us in church. I still can't believe she's able to do that. I would DIE. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that I can't carry a tune in a bucket...but still!! The song she sang is called "Blessings" by Laura Story. Listen to the words. At this point in my life, the lyrics to the song hit home. Here's the link to youtube...please excuse the shotty video as it's hard to hold the camera still while you're sobbing.

Gracie Singing 'Blessings'

Yes, at one point, I started sobbing. There's been a lot of that going on around here lately.

Shortly after Gracie blessed us, we were listening to a speaker and I see something moving out of the corner of my eye. Now, have I mentioned my fear of mice? I wrote about it once. To refresh your memory, click here.

See where this is going? In the corner, along the brick, I see a mouse running up the wall. We were on the other side of the church, but that makes no difference to me. Poor Gracie was sitting next to me. I swear I left a hand print on her leg. From that point on, I have no idea what the speaker was saying...for the record, up until that point, I was really enjoying him. I kept my eyes peeled on that corner and pretty soon...here it comes...down the wall. Now, I had on sandals. All I could think was that that stupid nasty little rodent was eventually going to make it over to me and run across the my toes. I had my feet up wrapped around my head and was doing every thing in my power not to squeal like a little girl. I finally ran out and soon after, apparently, that rotten little scoundrel took off across the stage...towards my side of the church. My sobs would soon turn into screams of terror...over a stupid little mouse. That being said...those little suckers are NASTY!! Have you noticed how stretchy and flexible they are? I've got goosebumps just thinking about it....

Anyhoo...I hope you enjoyed Gracie's performance. And while she's not quite X-Factor material just yet, she will be soon and I guarantee she'll be someone you can be proud to say "I knew her when". And while I'm not going to go into detail, I just have to say that all those stupid kids at school that think she's weird: You'll all be sorry when she's selling out arenas and being everything you will never be. (Bitter much, mom?)

Happy Monday!

UPDATE:

I just took Gracie to the doctor and we left with 4 prescriptions...throat and ear infection...and she still pulled it off! Can you imagine what it would have been like if she felt good? That's right. She's just that awesome.

GASP! You Don't Know Me!

2012-10-30T14:46:00.002-07:00

Hi. My name is Kimberly, and I'm sarcastic and snarky. Yep. That's me. If you've ever ready anything I've written, you would know that about me. Sarcastic...and snarky. And I like it...but if you don't, stop reading my stuff and block me, because I'm sure as heck not going to change now!! It's who I am. I have an opinion and I like to express it from time to time. Sometimes I make observations and sometimes when I write about it, I like to add a little flare to make people chuckle a little. Sue me. Then there are the people who apparently don't get my sense of humor, and that's fine...but if you know me AT ALL, you would know that I never mean any harm. And if you don't know that about me, then I'm really sorry you feel that way, because you're missing out on a lot of fun.

At any given time, you could hear me say, "I need a drink" when actually, I rarely drink. Sometimes I have a few sips of wine, but never an entire glass. Sometimes I say that "I want to sell my children" or "hang them up by their toes", when in reality, I would just like them to go to their rooms and be quite for 15 minutes so I can think straight. Since I became an aunt/mother I have always told the kids they "were ugly"...when in reality they know I think they're the most beautiful human beings on this earth. I also like to say I'm arranging marriages for my girls and I've already picked their grooms, but I haven't really. Well, I have picked who I'd like their husbands to be, but I won't force the issue. These are all fine examples of my sense of humor.

The reason I write is to express what I'm thinking. I like to say that my brain is barfing through my fingertips on to the keyboard. I'm anxious and I worry and I stress. One of my most used coping mechanisms (next to Xanax, of course) is goofing off and making light of certain situations. Sometimes...like today, it comes back to bite me in the butt...like when someone takes things a little too seriously. That's when it takes all the fun out of it. Takes the wind right out of my sails.

For the record. I do have a heart. A pretty big one. But I like to have fun, too. So if I say something that offends you, think about it from my point of view, as twisted as it is, and you might just laugh. If not, well...I feel sorry for you...and please excuse yourself from my postings, because I have no plans to change any time soon.

Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Out to Get Me?

2012-10-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

Why would someone do this? It's stupid and childish.

You make one little comment about hoping the Giants get ripped to shreds by the Tigers and someone mows down your dumpster. Really?

Actually...I have no idea who did this and why. I just know that I got up this morning, walked into Ella's room, turned on the light, then heard a truck take off and my can go tumbling.

So, naturally, since it was the only one on the street that was taken out, I took it personally. Tim's first thought was that someone was drunk and I should be glad they didn't drive through the house. I suppose that's possible, but not likely, because I'm sure it was a personal hit. My mind starts racing. Was it the people who stole my purse? Was it a disgruntled Giants fan who doesn't like me rooting for the Tigers?

For the record, my stance on the World Series is this:

I'm a Dodger fan. I honestly don't care that much, but I'm loyal. Just like I'm loyal to the Cowboys, even though I probably won't watch one of the games this season. So, when the Dodger's biggest rival goes to the World Series, it's only natural that I root for the opposing team, right? That being said, the constant jabbing at the Dodgers, by Giants fans, for not making it is on my last freakin' nerve.

I mean seriously...at this point in my life, I'm too fragile to deal with this nonsense. That and all the politics. Oh. My. Gosh. Just like with sports, I have my favorites (Romney) and I am very conservative, but I don't blast it all over my news feed. So you're a democrat and you're going to vote for Obama. Good for you for taking a stand. Now stop calling me names just because you're too stupid to get it (she said out of shear frustration). And even the conservatives that are CONSTANTLY posting crap...holy moly. Do you think that's going to change anyone's mind? Seriously...all you're doing is pissin' 'em off.

In the words of the oh so wise (*sarcasm*) Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?"

Hey, I'm all for a little competition, but come on.

So, who ever you are that ran over my trash can, let me say this:

I'm sorry that you're life is so sad and miserable, you have to take pleasure taking out a perfectly innocent trash container. I will pray that you find peace somewhere and soon, before any other trashcans are harmed, or I come after you with a .38 (honestly, I'm just guessing on caliber size here).

And...I hope my trash can left a big ol' nasty mark on your truck, because you suck.

That is all for today.

P.S. Don't forget I'm still on a mission to Bring James to Kindergarten. If you would like to help, here is the address where you can send fan mail encouraging James to come this way:

Anderson Group Public Relations

Attn: James Maslow

8060 Melrose Ave 4th Floor

Los Angeles, CA 90046

Just a quick note and stamp are all it takes! Thanks!!

Oh, and GO TIGERS!!!!!!

Project Bring James to Kindergarten Continues

2012-10-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

Yea...I'm still on it. It's going to happen. It might not actually happen while Ella's in Kindergarten, but it will happen. Like I said, I have made it my mission. And then, I saw this and my passion was renewed:

http://music.yahoo.com/news/seattle-man-gets-billy-idol-play-birthday-090420230.html

So...Here we go again!!

This time, I will write a letter directly to James. Think he'll read it?

Dear James,

My sweet daughter, Ella, is in love with you (actually Ella, Mia, Gracie and I all love you. BTR is our FAVE! All of you! Tim {daddy} even knows your songs!). One day she told me to 'twit' you and tell you that she NEEDED you to come to school on Friday so she could share you for the letter 'J'. I laughed at first, then I thought...why not?!?! What's it going to hurt to start a little campaign to get you here, to our little farm town and our little country school? Nothing. It hurts nothing. Might make me look like a HUGE fool, but who cares!! I'm determined to do this for her. I want her dream to come true.

The other day we drove by a legendary house here in town and Ella said, "Oh...I'm going to live in that house with my husband, James." And as I type this, she's currently talking into the mirror and I heard your name again. She loves you so much. It's so funny. I mean...she's five. This is no joke...she's in love! (Hum...I wonder why?)

I started a campaign on Facebook, with a picture of you and Ella from our meet & greet in Paso Robles along with a short story of what I was doing. After a few days, a bunch of likes, and a few shares, I decided to step it up a notch. I blogged and I started emailing. I got a couple discouraging emails (one said "thanks for the offer, he can't make it, but feel free to send your fan mail to me and I'll get it to James." Who is this chick anyway?), then I started to re-think my decision to pursue this. Another email said that for a mere $12,500 it might be possible. And one guy on Twitter, who you may know, @funnymatt, basically told me to get a life. I believe "good luck with that" were his exact words.

Now I know what you're thinking...this chick is cray!!! Um, yeah. I am. Cray...and determined!

But I don't care what you think of me...I only care what Ella thinks of me...and if I can make this happen, I think I'll be her hero...or probably you will. Either way, WIN WIN!!

James, will you come to Kindergarten for Ella? I mean, really...how can you say no to those eyes?

Sincerely,

One crazy, determined mother, who may or may not love you as much as Ella does. And who won't stop until YOU tell me NO yourself.

P.S. It would be more than OK if you brought Kendall, Carlos and Logan, too. Mia wants me to start "Project Bring Kendall to 5th Grade" and Gracie wants me to pursue a "Project Bring Any or All Of Them to High School". One project at a time, girls.

Kimberly Ann Dodson

2012-10-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

So, apparently after the post "Someone, Please Throw Me a Rope", I think I sort of had some closure or something, because I feel a little more like writing these days. LUCKY YOU!!

Today I will share with you a few random things you might not know about me. Brace yourselves.

1. When fixing myself a fountain drink, I CAN NOT, and I WILL NOT take the lid off the top. The thought of all the people that possibly have touched that lid makes me break out in hives. I have to go down 5-10 lids before I feel comfortable. Seems like all of sudden I'm germaphobic. I use my foot to push open a trash can and I scrub myself down with wipees after a visit to the DMV. By time I'm 40, I'm going to live in a bubble.

2. Taylor Swift drives me bonkers, but I love her music, and that makes me even more bonkers! Why must she have such catchy music?!?! Curse you Taylor. However, right now, I'm watching her on Good Morning America and I want to slap that red lipstick off her face, but "Never Getting Back Together" is playing in the background and I can't turn it. And my goodness...does that girl get around or what? I'm starting to think any guy that dares to date her is doing it just to get a song written about them. Hey, Taylor. They don't really like you...they just want to be immortalized in a catchy song, even if it's mean.

3. Oh hey, guess what? I'm obsessed with Big Time Rush. I have always had a thing for beautiful men. It doesn't matter what age they are (except now, I draw the line at under 18, for legality's sake). Big Time Rush is so adorable and they're funny and they also have catchy music and James is, well, *sigh*. But I also love Josh Duhamel and Tom Selleck, so my love of beautiful men knows no boundaries.

4. Ok, here's a doozie. Ready? I wax the inside of my nose. GASP!! Oh, please. Big deal...so I wax the inside of my nose. It's perfectly normal...isn't it? Ok, maybe it's not, but know this...I don't worry about a rogue hair hanging out of my nose (admit it, you totally just checked for a nose hair, didn't you?) or having to use one of those nose hair clipper things that leaves short little hairs that prick me when I ~~pick~~ blow my nose. Or how all the little cut hairs fall out onto my upper lip. GA-ROSS!! I'm not going to lie to ya...it hurts a little. Ok...I just lied...it feels like someone is plucking hair from the backside of my brain. It's very therapeutic, actually, she said sarcastically. Then when I'm done, I still have residual wax in my nostrils and every time I blow my nose for the next two days, the tissue gets stuck to it. So if you see me running around with something white hanging out of my nose, you should know...I just waxed.

5. I make my own deodorant. I always get the weirdest looks when I tell people that, but honestly...BEST. DEODORANT. EVER. Forever, I've never felt anything actually did the job like it was suppose to *embarrassing*. I was always "unsure". (If you've ever given me a hug and I give you like a little penguin hug, where I keep my arms at my sides and only bend at my elbows and pat you on the waist, you can pretty much guarantee I felt I was having a deodorant malfunction.) But, NOT ANYMORE!! Thanks to Pinterest and baking soda, I am as a fresh a daisy! (Why is that an expression? Are daises really fresh? They don't really have a pleasant smell, do they?) While the homemade deodorant doesn't provide you with an antiperspirant, it doesn't matter, because you can sweat like a fat man on a treadmill, and still be odor-free! Besides, antiperspirants are bad for you anyway, because they clog the pores ("blah blah blah", said the granola). Baking soda, cornstarch, coconut oil and essential oils are all you need. I don't use essential oils because I'm too lazy to drive someplace that sells them. And one recipe calls for bees wax, but I don't like the bees wax, because it stinks and it feels weird...but then, I had an epiphany! SCENTSY BAR!!! It's got the wax like the bees wax, but you can get like any scent known to man!! Currently, I'm wearing a "cucumber/lime" scent. You are welcome.

6. I dance in the car. So, if you see me on the street and I look like I'm having a seizure, I'm not...there's just a catchy song on the radio...probably Taylor Swift or Big Time Rush. Or that awesome Owl City/Carly Rae Jepson song "Good Time". I LOVE that song!!!

7. I secretly want to ram any car on the street that has an Obama sticker on it. Yesterday I saw the best, "Save the country! Vote Democrat!" Ok, maybe not RAM, but give them a good tap, just enough to hopefully jar some sense into them!! That's all. I bet Taylor Swift has an Obama sticker on her car. Probably James does, too, because it's the "cool Hollywood" thing to do, but give me a few minutes with him. I'll change his mind.

8. I'm secretly obsessed with the way I look. I guess "obsessed" isn't the right word. Conscience, maybe? I just mean I refuse to wear anything that might potentially land me on the "People of Walmart" website. I can go without make up and throw on a hat, but I will not wear a shirt that hugs the curves of my muffin top. Oh, hell no!!! If you ever see me in something like that, please call 911, because I've obviously suffered a stroke or been abducted by aliens. I'm not even kidding.

9. I hate road construction!!! It infuriates me. Especially when it's the same roads and is NEVER ENDING. Holy Hello Kitty!! Right now in Tulare, you can't go anywhere without getting stuck in road construction traffic.That being said, I secretly like being stuck in LA traffic (within reason). Well, if I have to pee, not so much...but if we're not in a hurry and my kids are sleeping (that's the key), I think it's sort of relaxing. Oh. My. Word. It's official, I'm insane.

10. I'm actually quite shy. Yes, I am. I can write like crazy and put down anything and everything I'm thinking, politically correct or not (usually NOT, see #7), but I come off as not very friendly. I'm often mistaken as, dare I say...a bitch (sorry, mother-in-law), at least I think I'm mistaken...maybe I'm not. I hate to say something that sounds completely hilarious in my head and then no one laughs. It mortifies me, so I just keep those hilarious thoughts, that could potentially turn your entire day around, to myself, because I'm afraid you won't laugh. I write exactly like I think, and from the reactions I get to my Facebook posts and this blog, I'm pretty freakin' hilarious, but when I say it out loud, I feel like everyone looks at me like, "OMG...I can't believe she actually just said that!" I write what I know everyone is thinking, but apparently they don't want to discuss out loud. And since apparently the only thoughts that run through my head are somewhat inappropriate, I choose to say nothing at all. Hum... I'm thinking maybe I should re-think the way I think. Smhhh.

Now, that you know these things, let's go on and pretend it didn't happen. Deal?

Have a good day, friend.

Lessons Learned

2012-10-17T14:28:00.001-07:00

This is what happens when I leave my iPad unattended. Oy vey.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

Someone, Please Throw Me a Rope!!

2012-10-16T14:46:00.001-07:00

Ok, peeps. I have never in my life been this down in the dumps. I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. The last few months have been so hard. Everyday is a struggle for me to hold it together and some days I don't. And I take medication for crying out loud (literally)!

It's nothing for me to just break down and cry at the drop of a hat (she said literally..."Are you kidding me?!?! I dropped my hat?!?! WAAAHHHHH!!!") Which poses a problem because I usually spend a fair amount of time on my make up (and it looks amazing if I do say so myself *sarcasm*) and some of that make up is this eyeliner/serum that I run along my lashes (which by the way, has made my lashes grow like weeds. They're so long now it's almost embarrassing. *sarcasm*). Anyway...when the tears start, it causes this serum to run into my eyes causing them to burn like...he--....um well, really bad (that was for you, Lena)....then I can't see. Which then causes a slew of other problems. Like, if I'm driving. Or if I'm trying to walk up the stairs. Or if I'm trying to catch up on Facebook or Twitter. Or look at pictures of James from Big Time Rush. It's catastrophic, really.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that right now, I just don't have it in me to write and be flippin' hilarious like I usually am. And for that, my trusty loyal readers, I apologize.

Please keep my family in your prayers as we are all still struggling with the changes and decisions we have made and continue to make regarding my parents. (Awwww....poo!! My eyes are burning!!!!!) And the time it takes away from my kids. Pretty sure they barely recognize me these days.

Also, I know she probably won't read this, but I have to give a shout out to my Aunt Kathy (Stiffler). I honestly don't know what I would do without her. That, my friends, is who I want to be when I grow up. I have never known a person with a kinder, more giving heart. She makes me want to be a better person. I honestly don't know how my dad or I would survive all this without her. We love you, Aunt Kathy. (I really want to send her a huge bouquet but my purse was stolen and I don't have access to any money. Shitaki mushrooms...it burns! It burns!)

Please visit www.psp.org to learn more about my mom's rare disease. And if you know my mom, feel free to stop by and see her. She loves visitors and she WILL, I repeat...she WILL know you. And dad, well, he loves company, too. He often needs a distraction and I can only do so much.

I know one day I will be back in full swing, but right now, I'm taking it one day at a time.

AAAGHHHHH!!! MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!

Project Bring James to Kindergarten

2012-10-07T17:35:00.001-07:00

Today, I am on a mission. A mission to get the word out to James, from Big Time Rush, that Ella would like him to come to school on Friday so she can share him for the letter 'J'. ((Some of you may have read this on facebook, but I'm telling you again. Skip ahead if you must...)) The other day, we had this brief conversation:

Ella: "Mom, do you follow James on Twitter?"

Me: "Yes. Why?"

Ella: "Because I need you to twit him and tell him that I need him to come to school on Friday so I can share him for the letter 'J'. And I need the REAL person. Not just a picture."

Me: "Oh, ok, but I don't see that happening."

Ella: *tears* "But mom! I need to share him!"

After that, who wouldn't make it their mission in life to see this ~~woman~~ little girl's dream come true. I mean, really. I couldn't let it go. So....I went to Twitter and have "twitted" (Ella's word, not mine, but it's cute, so I went with it) him several times, telling him the conversation and posting adorable pictures of her like this:

((With James. Yummy.))

And I posted on Facebook, too. Then I did a search on how to get in touch with your favorite celebrity. And I got answers (thank you eHow!). I had to get a proIMDB.com account, and luckily they have a 14 day free trial, so I got what I was looking for and canceled it. Muahahahahaha!!! I was able to get all the names, emails and phone numbers of his agents, publicists, manager. Then I composed this email:

"Hi there. This is going to sound ridiculously ridiculous, but I have to give it a shot. My 5 year old daughter, Ella, is a huge Big Time Rush (especially James), fan and she has a request….

Ella: "Mom, do follow James on Twitter?"

Me. "Yes, why?"

Ella: "I NEED you to twit him and tell him that I need him to come to school on Friday so I can share him for the letter 'J'. And I need the real person, not just a picture."

Me: "Um, well, I can tweet him, but I don't see it happening…"

Ella: **tears**, "But mom!! I need him to come so I can share him!!!"

Not that the child get everything she wants, but how awesome would that be for her?!?!? HUH?!?!

She isn't sick or disabled. She's perfectly perfect. Nor am I sick (well, maybe a little in the head), I'm just a mom that would love to make a little girl's dream come true.

Now tell me what I need to do to make this happen...or should I just start searching for a super life-like cardboard cutout for her take to class?

Also, I don't think it's this week so we have time to work on this.

Thanks in advance for any info you can share!

Kimberly Dodson

Candidate for "Craziest Mother of the Year" Award….currently in 1st place, thank you very much!! And this email may just seal the deal!"

Then I proceeded to email it to every person on that list. I know...I'm a freak-a-zoid. But I did it...AND POUR ME A SHOT AND GIVE ME A XANAX!!! I got a response!! Holla!! Read on....

"Love it, Kimberly!!! you and Ella are adorable!

Don't want to get your hopes up, however, just for fun, What town is this?
Sent from my iPad"

I'm not even shittin' you right now (sorry for the language, but that's the first think I thought when I saw the response). I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up or anything ('cause the guy told me not to, but I'm not gonna lie...they may be up just a tad.), Holy Hello Kitty!!! Can you even imagine?!?!? Let's imagine that for a second.....Picture her face...

And my face...

((OMGee...my arm looks so fat!!!))

And, I'd probably pee my pants a little, because that seems to be a problem for me, as of late. Anyhoo...I responded by telling him we were in Tulare, CA, 3 hours from LA, blah blah blah and to read my blog...of course, must push the blog. (He said we were adorable...wait until he sees the above picture.)

Then someone on Facebook, thank you Tambra, told me to send it to Ellen...so I got a link to Ella's youtube video singing one of BTR's songs and submitted it with the above story. Ok, wait, let us again take a moment to think about what it would be like if that happened. OMG...this is my Ella's chance to become a star!! Ohmigosh! What are we going to wear?!?! I need to go shopping...and not just at Target this time. I might have to actually go a block further, to the outlet mall. I'm sure I can find something at the Dress Barn.

I think my next step will be to post it again on Facebook and do the whole "Like and Share" thing. I want to see how many I can get and try to go viral. But I think my biggest hurdle is going to be that Ella is a healthy and happy child and we're financially stable. Right? I mean, of course I feel so blessed by all these things, but doesn't it seem for anything exciting to happen to you, you have to have some sort of hardship? Be sick? Be poor? Be Democrat? ((Admit it...you laughed...it was funny. Oh, don't be a hater!)) Don't get me wrong, they certainly deserve it, I'm just sayin' it would be nice for a regular kid to be noticed for just being a good and cute kid.

That being said, it has become my mission in life to get James to our little country school in Central CA, to make this happy, healthy, pretty, fortunate ~~woman's~~ little girl's dream come true. So if you see it on Facebook..."like" and "share", k?

P.S. I have two other healthy, happy, beautiful girls that would pee their pants if James (or any of the band) showed up at school.

**Not sure what's going on with the fonts on this entry and it's really bugging me. Sorry.**

And also, I think my next entry will be about why all my girls deserve a visit from their favorite band.

UPDATE:
**I asked Ella what she would do if James actually came to her class, she said, "I would be calm and use my presentation voice." Well, ok, then.**
UPDATE:
Today Ella informed that if he couldn't make it for 'J', she could share him for 'L', because she "LLLLOOOOOVVVES" him. God help me.

Hey...do me a favor. See those boxes below that say 'FUNNY' 'INTERESTING' 'COOL'? Check one of them. OR better yet, leave a comment. And SHARE SHARE SHARE. PLEASE!!!!!! Thank you!!

Maybe Tomorrow

2012-09-24T08:30:00.002-07:00

I was going to blog today, but got distracted by TLC's "Four Weddings".

Then I have to watch Kelly & Michael.

Then, probably take a nap.

So, maybe tomorrow. Please don't weep for me. I'll be back...I promise?

Nursing Home Residents ROCK!!

2012-09-21T12:10:00.003-07:00

So, yesterday I mentioned that we had a ~~horrible~~ shitty (pardon my french) summer. Probably, no, not probably...absolutely, by far, the worst part of the summer was moving my mom into a nursing home. It was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever done. When I think about that day, when we rolled her into her room to leave her, I tear up. There were so many tears that day, and the day before, and the day after and pretty much every day since. That being said, I honestly believe that she is one of the nicest skilled nursing facilities around.

My mom has a rare disease called Progressive Super nuclear Palsy or PSP. (Follow that link to learn more about it). It's a rare and horrific disease. Her symptoms include, but are not limited to: no peripheral vision, double vision, slurred speech, dizziness, loss of balance, muscle stiffness, rigidity, loss of motor skills, difficulty swallowing, etc. Basically, she's a prisoner in her own body. She can talk, but she talks S-L-O-W and is hard to understand because she can't open her mouth very wide and talks through her teeth. Eventually she won't be able to open her mouth at all. She can't walk and needs help doing everything. We have to dress her, take her to the bathroom, feed her, etc. She has an excellent memory. People always think she won't know them or that she'll be out of it, but she's not (well, not usually, but she's come up with some doozies lately). Which, honestly, makes it even harder. Sometimes I wish she was just a total nut job and completely out of it, but knowing my strong, independent mom is inside there hating every moment of me feeding her just kills me. Anyway...

I'm suppose to be funny, huh? OK...sorry for the mush...moving on....

Since moving mom into the nursing home, I've spent my fair share of time there. I'm telling you...if you need some entertainment, you should try hanging out in one. I don't mind it so much, but it totally freaks Gracie out. On occasion you get the one that just yells uncontrollable. Those frighten her. Wimp. Sometimes when we're walking through the halls and there are residents lined up against the wall, I like get behind her and yell..."HELP!!" I think she peed once.

**This blog is meant to entertain and not offend anyone. Being that my mom is one of these people, I don't mean any harm. This is a laugh or cry situation...and I personal prefer to laugh.**

One time, this adorable woman asked if she could talk to me...then proceeded to ask me if I could help her steal some drugs for some friends of hers that were "really good people, just like you and me". Well in that case, young lady. What would you like me to get? Some enemas? Viagra? (God help us if they have Viagra in the nursing home!!!!) Another time she kept telling us she was so excited to see Freddie Fender and that she just really loved his voice. Um...Who is Freddie Fender?

Get this: There is a designated smoking area...where the residents sit, with their oxygen tanks, puffin' on their cancer sticks. I don't know for sure, but if I was smoker, on oxygen, and had to be put in a nursing home, I might think about quitting. Then again, maybe they're thinkin' "Oh, what the hell!! It's not like I'm going to walk out of here! Might as well go out with a bang and take a few of these other poor saps with me!"

Then, there's the spitter. Oh mylanta. The other day my aunt and I were sitting in the dining room with mom while she ate (we fed her) dinner and there was a man behind her that kept hawkin' up nastiness...and spitting it out on the floor...in the freakin' dining room!!! There was one old lady (that looks like my Uncle Jr, by the way and it's really weird) that kept yelling at him! "HEY!! Stop spittin' on the floor!! Stop spittin'!!" It was HILARIOUS! She was like obsessed with it. She kept watching him and yelling at him, then he would say, "who me? Are you telling me to stop spitting?" Um, sir. Are you spitting on the floor? Then, yeah. She's talkin' to you! Naturally I was grossed out, but at first, I thought it was just saliva...then, he rolled his wheelchair and I saw something gooey string from the floor to his wheel. (FYI: I'm violently gagging right now). Then he rolled back and then back again, and it was stuck to the wheel and kept flipping back onto the floor. I swear, it was the thickest, stringiest, gooiest snot I had ever seen. I started gagging and I tried to tell the CNA, but it took me about 5 minutes to get out, "That {gag} man {gag gag} ba-{gag} back {gag gag violent gag} there is {gag} sp-{gag} spi-{gag gag} spitti-{gag} spitting {gag} on the floor. {gag gag gag gag}" The CNA response? "Yeah, we're use to it." WELL, I'M NOT!!!!! Clean it up!!! Mom and Aunt Kathy were laughing so hard mom had to change her depends. And I think Mom spit her dinner across the room. At least it wasn't snot!

Oh, I can't forget about what I'm about 98% certain is a cross dresser. I've only seen them once. (I'm going to refer to them as "them", because I'm not 100% sure of the gender and don't want to offend them by calling them a him when it's actually a her. Or by calling it a him when it's actually a him but wants to be referred to as a her. Or, I guess could call them "Pat"! Remember that bit on SNL about Pat? No one knew if Pat was male or female? Ok...Pat it is.) But when I walked in and saw Pat, my first thought was, "what the hell!!" (language, I know! But that's really what I thought!). Pat was adorable and you could tell Pat took great pride in Pat's appearance. Pat had Pat's hair pulled up into a high, perfect pony tail with these perfect ringlets draping down. Then these awesome poofy, "There's Something About Mary" -esqe bangs. Full make up, nails done, women's clothes, jewelry...the works. Pat was very large. Had huge hands and feet. Very tall. (Bear with me, I'm trying really hard to not be totally offensive.) Now, I don't quite know what to make of this. I mean...we live in Tulare, where men usually dress like men, and women usually dress like women. And this has nothing to be homophobic or anything because most gay people I know still dress like their own gender, you know? But anyway...I couldn't stop looking. I even took a picture, that, NO, I'm not posting on here. I wanted to say something to my mom, but another thing this disease has taken from her is her filter, and no telling what she'd do. Pat never said anything loud enough for me to hear so I couldn't tell by Pat's voice. It's killing me. I have to know....When I find out, I'll fill you in.

Over the last couple months, Mom has had a few roommates. In her first room she had this woman who refused to get out of bed and would just shit (again, sorry for the language, but sometimes there are no better words, because poo-poo does not quite describe what this woman was doing) her pants then yell for someone to change her. She was young (late 50's I believe), too. The smell was horrific. Poor thing. That's where I experienced my first gagging episode. Then mom spent nearly a week in the hospital and when she came back, she moved rooms, so she had a new roommate. This one (she was old) was just recovering from something and would be leaving shortly. Her husband was there all the time. One day my mom, bless her heart, waited for her the lady's husband to take her to the bathroom and then mom called me in close...then she proceeds to tell me that the woman was telling her husband that she wanted to go home so she could have sex with him (and I suppose this is where the Viagra in a nursing home might come in handy, eh?). HOLY HELLO KITTY. I literally yelled, "WHAT?!?!? I don't think so. I think you're crazy, mom!" She says, "Shhhh!! Don't let them hear you and no, I'm not, Kimberly. She said it." I'm still not convinced, but I suppose anything's possible.

Her latest/current roommate, Mary, is a doll!! She's 101 and speaks portuguese 1/2 the time. She can't hear a thing, either, so you have to yell into her ear. I think every time I walk into the room she sees me and says, "I have to go to the toilet." The other day her granddaughter brought her a milk shake and she lit up like a Christmas tree. Love her.

Oh yeah! Mom's next door neighbor. Oh Laaaw-dy (that's Lordy said with a very strong southern accent). She lays in her bed, without her teeth, and constantly yells, in a super nasal voice, "NAARRSE!! NAARSSE! I NEED TO BE CHANGED, NARSE!" Yes, narse. Not nUrse. NARSE. Try saying it. Knock out all your teeth, plug your nose and pronounce it NAAAAR-SE. Yi yi yi! Poor sweet thing. Her hair is always sticking up like she stuck her finger in a light socket and apparently she's unable to close her mouth because it's always wide open that that "Scream" guy. She's as skinny as a twig, too. I can't help but laugh. I'm sorry, but I can't. She's just as sweet as she can be, though. (Sometimes I write that stuff to cover my butt.)

You also never know who you'll see visiting a loved one in a nursing home. I saw an actor. His dad is next door to my mom (the other next door, not the one with the narse lady). He's one of those guys that pops up everywhere and you might not know his name, yet you know the face and voice for sure. Then I started wondering what the heck he was doing in Tulare, of all places. I've lived her for-eva and I'm pretty sure I would know if he was from Tulare. Anyway...When I saw him the first time, I blurted out, "Hey! Aren't you on TV?" (Apparently I have no filter, either. Like mother, like daughter.) And he said, "LET'S NOT DO THIS NOW! I can't do this!" Whoa...Calm it down, dude. Calm. It. Down. I felt like the biggest idiot EVER (that being said, he pretty much answered my question with that response, right?)!! I think I went through about 50 shades of red (not grey) and retreated back to my mom's room, burying my head in her pillow. Later when I was leaving, I saw him in the parking and wanted to apologize, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it, so...I just blurted out, "Sorry about that in there," and he responded, "OH MY GOSH, NO! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that!" Then he shook my hand, introduced himself and apologized some more. Then I forgave him and now we're best friends! Well, if you consider running into each other in the hall at the nursing home, and me following him on twitter best friends, then yeah, we're BFF's!

Oh, the joys.

**Excuse Typos. My sister is my editor and she works and if I sent it to her to proof then it might take longer to publish and I'm impatient. Deal with it.**

Mia Makes Me Laugh!

2012-09-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

**I just found this as I was going through some stuff I had written and never posted. It's not finished but I decided to post it anyway because it made me laugh out loud.**

Mia is going to kill me for this, so no one better mention it to her until she's grown, ok?

This girl is quick and witty. Some might say she comes by it naturally, given who her parents are. HAHAHAHA!! Here is a little list of the few things she's said to us in the last week or so...

She was dressed and ready for church one morning. She looked soooooo super cute. She knew she did, too. She kept doing a little turns and flipping her hair. I said, "Oh Mia...you think you look HOT." She giggled and said, "NO! I think I look cute! I'm not taking it to that level until I'm older." So, apparently she needs to be in at least the double digits until she considers herself HOT.

One day I was putting on my makeup and Mia was being impatient. She said, "Do you have to wear your makeup everywhere?" Then the other day I decided NOT to wear any and as I was getting in the car, she said, "Mom, I understand now why you need to wear your makeup everywhere...." Precious, precious child.

One windy night last week she noticed a flock of birds circling around some trees. She said, "Mom, look at those flock of birds flying around all wild. I think the wind is pissing them off." Oops.

They found a stray cat at G'ma's and it's a great cat. Mia loves that thing. When she first introduced me and Tim to her, she turned it over and said, "Look, you can tell it's a girl because it doesn't have ding-dong." Nice. Thanks for the education, Grandma. Oh, and she's convinced that our female puppy has a ding-dong and on more than one occassion has "hated to tell me this, but Mazie has a ding-dong."

We are never without entertainment around here.