{tinniegirl}

{blogtoberfest & life}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Sat, 26 Sep 2015 04:44:00 +0000

I've been meaning to stop by for quite some time now with an update on me.

Life is good, & busy, & really different to what it was a few years back. There's a new, delightful kitten, a great career, tropical holidays & as always big dreams & plans. And of course there's Ms L & Little Cat. There's not enough painting or bike riding, but I'll keep working on that. There's never enough time!

One of the challenges for me is always around letting go & allowing change to happen. Making space for new & awesome things to happen. Leaving that clear space that's needed.

I've been conscious that October is just around the corner & a few people have been in touch about {blogtoberfest}. After a great deal of thought I've decided that it's also time for it to retire. To make way for someone else's new idea, festival, dream, community.

Thank you to all who participated, facilitated, co-hosted, helped, shared & enjoyed. The gifts of blogging & {blogtoberfest} have been enormous in my life. Beyond words really. I am living the life of my dreams these days & blogging has played an enormous part in that.

See you round folks!

{tinniegirl}

xxx

{i'm back}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Mon, 16 Feb 2015 02:21:00 +0000

Our cruise ship, the Celebrity Solstice, taken from the island of Lifou

Wow! Pretty much a month since my last post.

So there was a magnificent cruise, which I will definitely tell you more about soon. Yay!

It was followed by a seriously horrible ear infection and crippling bout of bronchitis. Yuk!

And since then it's just been trying to catch up on work and life, mostly work, after being out of action for over 3 weeks.

I'm pretty much back in the swing of things now and hope to get back to some regular blogging. I have lots to share.

How are you? What have you been up to in my absence?

{that's it, for now}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Fri, 16 Jan 2015 23:19:00 +0000

The day has come. It's time to set sail into the sunset.

{well technically we set sail tomorrow}

But we're off to Sydney today to catch up with family and then tomorrow we cruise.

Ms L and I are so very excited.

See you on the other side peeps.

{five sleeps}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 05:29:00 +0000

Five sleeps till Ms L and I head off on a cruise to the South Pacific. About four weeks ago we spontaneously booked it thanks to the prompting of this wonderful woman's partner.

Ms L and I haven't had a real holiday in years. You know, the hang out in bathers, read good books and drink cocktails kind.

We are so frickin' excited.

Lists are being made, bags are being readied for packing, sunscreen and various sundries purchased. And then there's the big decisions, like whether I really do need a lovely new handbag to take on my adventure.

Five sleeps peeps. Five sleeps.

{don't overthink it}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 04:41:00 +0000

I'm determined to get back to my creative passions this year - writing and painting. I've really missed the regular practice these past couple of years.

There's a bunch of good reasons as to why I haven't done much of it but I also know that part of the absence has been due to not prioritising creative pursuits and not being disciplined about putting my energy into them. And then the less you do of creative things the less confident you feel about doing them, and suddenly you're in a downward spiral and it's really hard to get back to it. The excuses and self-doubt take over, the walls go up and before you know it you're not creating at all. It's not the first time I've been in the spiral but somehow this time I'm more aware that getting out is about discipline and determination, and giving myself a little bit of a push.

I'm trying not to overthink things too much. Trying not to wait for the perfect time, the perfect blog post, the inspiration to hit, the moon and starts to align in some particular way. Instead I'm just going to work on showing up, until it starts to come naturally again.

Have a nice weekend peeps. I plan to do some painting. What have you got on?

{gearing up, sort of}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Wed, 07 Jan 2015 05:48:00 +0000

Back to work this week. It feels like a bit of a slog at the moment. Partly because I'm only back for two weeks and then off on a lovely holiday, so it doesn't quite feel like the year has started.

I'm also waiting to hear on the outcome of a new position that I applied for late last year. It 's an exciting new opportunity, and very likely to be mine, but you know, all that dotting of i's and crossing of t's that has to happen before things are official.

So I'm kind of in an in-between place at the moment. Trying to gear up but also unable to until I know what my role will be exactly and until I'm really settled for the year.

How about you? Are you gearing up and going full steam ahead?

{why, hello there 2015}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 11:16:00 +0000

Hello friends

How are you?

Is 2015 off to a good start for you?

I don't know where 2014 went. One minute it was June and then it was December.

But now it's January 2015.

I love new year. I always have. So full of possibility and hope. A chance to reflect and review, make plans, set goals and intentions, and dream a little dream or two.

Anyway, just saying Hi for now. But I'll be back soon with lots more.

{oops}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 04:46:00 +0000

How did 10 days pass just like that? I'm trying to get back into good blogging habits! Here's a little glimpse into my world over the last 10 days.

Life has been busy, good and it seems mostly about food. But that's often the case!

I've been finding my painting mojo too, which feels lovely.

And just taking time to notice the world around me.

How about you? What's happening in your neck of the woods?

{sunday snippets}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Sun, 01 Jun 2014 06:34:00 +0000

{sunday snippets} A collection of photos from your week. No need for words. Let the pictures tell your story. Pop your link below if you're joining in.

{leave a message}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Wed, 28 May 2014 07:23:00 +0000

I mentioned on Sunday that I'm in my major busy period for the year at work. I work in fundraising, and that means tax-appeals, and that means May/June are absolutely frantic trying to get your tax-appeal out to donors and get the all-important funds in that make not-for-profit work possible.

It's absolute crunch time in getting everything finalised and out the door. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll be able to breath a little easier and sleep a little sounder. I'm already, thankfully, a whole lot less stressed and harassed than I was in the job I had last year - that was a whole other level of frantic. Unreasonable. Unmanageable. Unsustainable. Unbelievable.

Anyway, I'm not around much just at the minute, but I'm still here.

In the meantime, have your fur peeps call my fur peep and they can chat amongst themselves.

{sunday snippets}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Sun, 25 May 2014 09:32:00 +0000

{sunday snippets} A collection of photos from your week*. No need for words. Let the pictures tell your story. Pop your link below if you're joining in.

*****

*May/June is the busiest time of year in my line of work, thus the significant lack of photos this week.

{forty three years old}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Tue, 20 May 2014 06:15:00 +0000

A couple of days ago I turned 43. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this to be honest.

On one hand this birthday definitely has that feeling of a fresh new year about it. Things are settling down, the new house is feeling more like home and I've just passed my 3 month probation at my new job. The shit-storm of last year really does seem to be passing.

On the other hand I feel like I've come full circle somewhere between 5 and 6 years, and am standing at the same place I was standing around that time. Asking the same questions, facing a number of the same challenges and working towards some of the exact same goals.

I know that I'm not really in the same place. I've learned and grown and journeyed over that time. I'm not the same person I was 5 or 6 years ago, for both better and for worse. But there's definitely a familiarity between the place I'm in now and the place I was in back then. And it feels very strange.

{sunday snippets, birthday edition}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Sun, 18 May 2014 05:25:00 +0000

{sunday snippets} A collection of photos from your week. No need for words. Let the pictures tell your story. Pop your link below if you're joining in.

{feeling real}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Fri, 16 May 2014 00:47:00 +0000

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When {someone} loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things, don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

The Velveteen Rabbit

Margery Williams

{moving through grief}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Wed, 14 May 2014 04:20:00 +0000

Yesterday morning I was thinking how nice it was that I was finally getting to a point where I can remember BigCat without the overwhelming pain and feelings of loss that have consumed me since we said goodbye.

Then last night without any warning I cried and cried because I miss him so much and it hurts so much to be without him.

That's how it's been these last few months. Some days I'm ok, most days I'm not. Most days I cry at some point in the day. Every day I miss him more than I thought possible. And every now and then there's a moment of peace, where it doesn't feel achingly sad.

That's how grief goes hey? There's no controlling it and there's no quick way out. It's a journey, a process of healing that happens in it's own time and it's own way. And you've just got to live with it.

{the decision}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Mon, 12 May 2014 05:02:00 +0000

First came the decision. To reclaim my life. To accept that while things might continue to happen to me, things I don't like, didn't ask for and don't deserve, that in spite of this, or perhaps because of it, I'm determined to get back the pieces of my life that have been missing for so long. That even though the crap might keep on happening I do have a choice about where I focus my energy. And where I want to focus my energy is on the things that are going to move me forward in life, not keep me stuck in the shit-storm.

Things like painting, making and blogging - I want to be doing lots more of those good things again.
Healthy stuff - riding my bike, cooking, sleeping well, working on personal goals.
Getting out of the house more. It feels like I've been cooped up for so long.
Hanging out with friends and creative peeps - I've recently returned to the Northern Craft Bonanza {NCB}, which I founded in 2009, after a very long hiatus.
Making plans for the future - it's felt impossible to do anything but put one foot in front of the other for most of the last 12 months.
Remembering/relearning how to be a dreamer again. When you're living in a shit-storm you forget how to dream. Having hope starts to feel too risky.

And then once I'd made the decision, almost immediately something shifted. I'm of course wondering if by changing my attitude everything feels different, but there really does seem to have been some subtle environmental shift. The clould that's been hanging over my life for so long seems to have moved ever so slightly. Things feel easier, I've been enjoying moments of synchronicity and interesting little messages from the universe.

I don't know if life is going to settle down. I hope so. But it certainly feels like something, somehow has shifted. And that, my friends, is a damn good thing.

{today: a happy list}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Thu, 08 May 2014 06:42:00 +0000

Shoes that make that nice click-clack sound when you walk on lino, and make you feel all grown up
Drinking fancy wine in a trendy wine bar with a good mate
Heart-to-heart conversations and good debriefs

Spotting the skywhale on my way to work this morning
Riding my bike to work

Buying and wearing stylish clothes
Realising I don't have to buy into other people's 'stuff'
Seeing and reconnecting with blogging friends in real life

Feeling happy and hopeful

Sunny autumn days

{when life just aint blog worthy}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Tue, 06 May 2014 12:02:00 +0000

I've been thinking a bit lately about why I'm finding it so hard to make the return to blogging that I really want to make.

Along with some of the more mundane challenges, like being time poor and feeling like I've lost my community, what I realised, is that for a long time it has felt like my life just hasn't made for appropriate sharing.

There's things that I just don't feel belong in the public arena and I'm conscious of how vulnerable we can make ourselves when we put it all out there.

On one hand I really admire and respect people who share their struggles, with the idea of breaking down barriers and speaking the unspeakable, and to some degree my blogging has always delved in these realms. But I also feel that there are pieces of our lives that belong in private spaces and there can be a fine line between sharing our struggles and airing our dirty laundry.

My life has been frickin' hard work for the last 15 months. The amount of shit that has happened to Ms L and I borders on the unbelievable, to the point that it has become somewhat of a laughing point with friends {in the vein of you've gotta laugh or else you'll cry}.

I've found it increasingly difficult to be in this space and to find a way to share my story without creating that icky, uncomfortable feeling that you get when you're reading something that feels more like a personal journal than a public one.

Alongside that, I've felt angry and bitter about all the crap that's been happening. And maybe somehow a little bit ashamed, like somehow I've brought all this bad luck on myself and if only I was more positive, or was able to practice gratitude or some other new age zen technique then perhaps I could turn the shit-storm I've been living into the foundation for something wonderful to happen.

And angry, bitter and ashamed do not a good blogger make!

I realised at last that this is what's been really holding me back. The exhaustion, the ill health, the constant struggles have all taken their toll, but more than anything life just hasn't made for good blogging.

Fingers crossed that a cool change is in the wind!

{home}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Fri, 18 Apr 2014 06:38:00 +0000

Day 3 of April Moon offered the word 'home' as a prompt.

Home is a funny thing to me at the moment, somewhat fraught I suppose.

We moved house about 6 weeks ago now, into a lovely new home. After lots of work it's all set up and looking beautiful. Things have a place and we are settling into new routines. I know that it's going to be a great place to live.

But right now, the move and the new house are all tied up with Holden's death, and the grief of losing him. Home doesn't feel like home without him. It feels like part of my family is missing and how can anywhere feel like home in those circumstances.

That's home at the moment. An odd mix of things.

{juicy}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 23:56:00 +0000

Juicy is:

eating a mango pip over the sink with the juice running down my face

being consumed by a great book

gossiping with girlfriends

heart-to-heart conversations

sharing truths

lying in the sun on a warm day dreaming big dreams

Responding to day 2 of April Moon. All the deets here

{courage}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 10:25:00 +0000

The lovely Kat McNally is hosting a reflective writing challenge called April Moon over the next fortnight, in honour of this glorious blood moon. As well as needing something to get the creative juices flowing I've had this really strong sense of April being the start of something for me. I feel an ending and a beginning taking place.

Here's a few things that came to mind when I considered the word courage today:

Loving {peeps and fur peeps} in spite of the risks, the loss and the grief.
Standing up to bullies and fighting an unfair dismissal from my former employer. Leaving a legacy for the treatment of other staff.
Revisiting the past.
Forgiving, myself and others.
Stopping smoking for the umpteenth time {2 days free today}.
Deciding to be ambitious this year.
Getting up, and up again, no matter how many times I get knocked down.
Choosing happy, choosing dreams, choosing to follow my bliss.

You can grab all the details on how to join in, and the gorgeous blog button, over here. Hope to see you there.

{all talk, no action}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 06:03:00 +0000

That's about how I'm feeling. Here on the blog and with any other creative pursuits. I want to get things happening but I don't seem to be able to move from intention to action. I want to get my book-making tools out, I want to get back to painting, I want to be blogging more regularly, I want to bring {sunday snippets} back to life, I want to get my knitting project started, I want to work on a couple of other creative projects.

BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CREATIVE MOJO WHAT-SO-EVER!

It's driving me crazy. I don't know whether to push myself or whether to just trust that it will happen when it happens. I'm worried that if I just leave it, it might never happen. Is it possible for creative mojo to disappear and never, ever return again????

I'm trying to be kind to myself. I'm trying to remember that I'm in the process of recovering from a really traumatic year and that some of what's happening now probably has a lot to do with things that happened then. I don't want to push myself only to realise that it actually made things worse. But I don't want to do nothing and one day realise that I could have changed things if I'd just pushed myself a little.

So tell me peeps, do you get like this? How do I work out if this is recovery or a creative block? Do I push or do I wait? What do you recommend?

{emerging}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 04:56:00 +0000

Slowly but surely I am coming back to some kind of equilibrium. It's been a hard slog these past few weeks. A lot of tears and a lot of pain, and the deepest sense of loss. I miss my boy so much. I don't feel like life will ever be the same. And I guess it probably won't. But I'm sure time will work its healing magic.

Life is finally starting to settle down again. The new house is unpacked and starting to feel like home. Some dramas with our former landlord have now been resolved, in our favour too.

Generally I think we are over the humps of the last 12 months with the potential for a period of smooth sailing. I hope so.

Enjoy the weekend peeps. I'll be back with some {sunday snippets} as I have a fabulous weekend planned.

{i thought i knew grief}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Thu, 20 Mar 2014 04:21:00 +0000

Having experienced considerable grief throughout my life I thought that I was well prepared for saying goodbye to Holden. But nothing in my life to date has prepared me for how I’ve been feeling since we said goodbye.

There is a quiet, dull, aching emptiness in my soul that won’t be soothed. It seems driven by the absence of Holden’s actual physical presence in my life. I’m amazed at how tangible it feels. And I think made so much worse by the fact that we’ve just moved house and there are no memories of him in our new and unfamiliar space.

I have so much compassion for people who have lost a close loved one, like my Aunt who recently lost her partner of 25 years. I can’t even imagine what that absence feels like and how she makes her way through her days. Or people who lose a child. How do they ever move forward with their lives? It takes so much courage and strength to live with grief.

On some level I thought that because we made a conscious decision to end his life {and his suffering} that it would be easier. But in truth the decision has tormented me. In the depths of my grief it has felt like something I have brought on myself and something that I desperately want to be able to undo. My mind has played terrible tricks on me with questions about how sick he really was and whether the timing was right. The hard truth is that he was dying, perhaps slowly, but inevitably. Another truth is that he was suffering, how much we don’t really know. And surely another truth is that we did the most humane thing.

I know that I don’t need to question myself, and I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s just part of the impact that making this decision has had on me.

Mostly though I’m just incredibly sad.

I dreamt of my sweet boy a couple of nights ago. It was such a relief and a comfort to see him. In fact, it was probably the first point at which I started to feel somewhat OK. Before that it felt like he had just completely disappeared from my life, which was causing me so much pain. At least in dreams we can still hang out together every now and then. And who is to say whether the substance of dreams are imagined or really about finding each other in some other realm.

To live the rest of my days without him in my life is simply too much to bear.

{vehicle:circles}

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy {tinniegirl}) — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 23:27:00 +0000

It was like simply wanting to give up at last,

the saying fifty times a day, not quite to yourself,

"I'm tired, so tired of this, of everything",

until you'd forgotten somehow what you were tired of,

and realised, unavailingly, hopelessly,

that saying it meant something else, to you, to life,

something closer to the "Help me! Please!" you used to

want to cry out, aloud, again, to no one,

for no reason,

for simply being there, here, baffled

by these quantities of need and groundless sorrow...

How could you have gone past that,

only to arrive at this,

this about which there is nothing whatsoever you can feel

except the certainty of knowing that you're doing what you're doing to yourself,

but why?

And if you pass this, what will that have meant,

what will it have cost to accomplish this undoing?

C.K.Williams