Tint's meanderings

Muddy waters

2015-12-28T13:00:00.000+00:00

As I face the New Year, I feel I’m ready for a new beginning. I know that each new day is a new beginning, but, with what’s gone by this past year or two, I’m thinking that a Big new start is in order. I want to reconnect with all my friends I’ve neglected in my year-long slump and infuse energy into my work and play. This involves a lot of deep work for me. One thing that keeps popping up is the subject of forgiveness. I’m fairly sure there are a slew of people needing to forgive me for wrongs and perceived wrongs. I hope they’ll have the courage to confront me, so that I can apologise and make amends. From my side, there is one huge forgiveness challenge that I know is going to hold me back, but I don’t know if I’m big enough to let it go. Yes, I know forgiveness isn’t about approving of someone’s behaviour, but I’m afraid that forgiving will open me up to more of what the person is capable of handing out.

Jurgis was very involved in doing family research in Lithuania while we were volunteering in Ireland. This was costly, but he considered it well worthwhile. The payback for us was huge and life-changing, but it was also done for other close relatives who had asked for the information. Jurgis, at the time, was desperately trying to rebuild bridges with the relatives in question, as we hadn’t had contact for so many years. One day, he broached the subject of all the bureaucratic costs relating to the research he was doing and suggested the relatives contribute to those costs, as they were also benefitting and we weren’t earning at the time. One relative replied scathingly calling Jurgis a beggar and many other nasty things. Anyone who knew him, knew he’d give the shirt off his back for you. He was heartbroken and confused at her words. My feisty, caring daughter took up defense of her father and got a similar tongue lashing from this relative. I still have those messages saved. Yes… I know…. I shouldn’t, but I do. My suggestion to my little family unit at the time was that we just distance ourselves, which we did, though Jurgis still made weekly international calls to his relative. No one ever called him.

Jurgis died. Funny how death affects people. It wasn’t long after his death when the relative that slung abuse at him added me on Facebook. I have spent this past year ignoring that add. As I’m facing my New Beginning, I’m having to face forgiveness, but I don’t know if I can forgive. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m clearly a holder of grudges - not happy to admit that! Oh what to do… what to do?? I know what to do, but am I big enough?

Technorati Tags: forgiveness,family

Moving forward

2015-05-04T01:41:00.001+01:00

At least, in one area of my life.

I know that there are many out there who will be thrilled (ok, that’s perhaps a rather strong word) to hear that I’ve made the decision to go for my radical mastectomy. It’s a huge thing for me, so I’ve planned it for the start of June, which gives me time to prepare physically, mentally, emotionally, and practically.

Physically, I need to work up fitness, particularly in my chest and arms. I’m also preparing myself for the possibility of lymphedema, the most frightening part of this whole deal and the main reason I’ve put surgery off for so long. Right now, I’m learning as much as I can about the prevention and management of that ghastly, incurable disease (yes, there are worse things than cancer - at least, in my book). Practically, I need to gather a front-buttoning, comfortable wardrobe. My shirts and blouses are all pullover. Not that I really need much encouragement to go shopping lately. Shopping, for me, is very much out of character. I’ve always been the Scrooge, thinking twice before spending a penny. This brings me to the mental and emotional part of all this.

This past month has been awful on so many levels. My first lone wedding anniversary was one of the toughest times I’ve had to go through. For many years, we didn’t celebrate birthdays or Christmases as a family. Our wedding anniversary was the Big Event of the year. Much was made of it. Tat and I did our level best to be out there and busy on that day, but it was still rough. The nights are the worst. I rarely sleep more than two hours at a stretch. My scans not long after Jurgis died showed a substantial shrinkage of the tumour. No surprise there. I was militant about my protocol, following it to the nth degree and he helped me, continually encouraging me in my weaker moments. After he died, I seemed to have lost all will. My protocol slid and became erratic. This has shown itself in my scan results. First there was no shrinkage. The last lot showed growth and the tumour isn’t looking ‘healthy’ anymore, so yes, I’m giving up, though not altogether…

The plan is this: Aside from my wardrobe issues, which are really minor - the joys of working in a charity shop are that clothes are easy and inexpensive to come by - there are a few more practical plans to make. I want to make pouches for the drains that I may have to wear for a couple of weeks. I’ve seen examples of these in US and Australian stores. I’ve not seen anything here, but am not worried, as I can make them. It will give me something to do during those long, sleepless nights anyway. After surgery, I’ll stay home for about two weeks before phasing in going back to work. I plan to go back to my anti-cancer protocol after the surgery, though I’ll probably cut back on the number of supplements. I do need to go back to a cleaner diet *sigh* That’s been the biggest factor in my health changes.

It's rather hard to find a non-gory image to illustrate the surgical incision and the drain bags I plan to make holders for. The holders are to prevent them pulling out of the surgical area when sleeping or going out.

I’m sorry I disappeared. I’m sorry I shut my friends out this month. I could barely deal with myself, never mind actually having to make meaningful conversation. At work, it’s easy. Simple customer service and possible chat about the weather. My evenings and nights have been a long marathon of watching TV series and online shopping (a rather troublesome side effect of my emotional state). Having said that, I do now have a couple of purchases that give me immense delight like the little fan I bought to help cope with the brutal hot flushes at night. It’s a bright, sunny yellow and just totally cool, if you’ll pardon the pun.

Onward and upward. It’s a long road, but I’m used to long roads by now, right?

Technorati Tags: cancer,mastectomy,lymphedema,grieving,Jorge,Jurgis

Some days….

2015-01-30T20:50:00.001+00:00

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Technorati Tags: jorge,jurgis,saudades,longing,avril lavigne,wishing

Near perfect

2015-01-18T21:49:00.001+00:00

I’ve reached a point now where I can lift my head occasionally and see something truly beautiful, perhaps even laugh a little. Here I sit at the close of a truly wonderful weekend with new, very precious memories to start filling the next chapter of my life…

On Friday, I packed my carrot juice - in retrospect, a really bad move, as it leaked all over my bag, coat and gloves - we loaded up the car and headed out to Freshfield forest following the advice of a good friend. On my trip back to Hemel Hempstead, I had something of a revelation. I realised that the one thing I was missing was my time in the woods. I needed to recharge. I love this place where hills, forest and beach meet and are within easy reach!

I saw my first ever red squirrel!! Sadly, my camera didn’t meet expectations, so I just have a blur that blended with the background, but it was there and terribly cute! Apparently they’re shy critters, but you’d never have guessed from watching this one. I suspect he was too busy taunting the crow to be bothered by our presence.

‘Dogs on leads’ is, of course, optional… It was pure doggy paradise! Cure for melancholy prescribed by an old friend… Go take a walk in the woods!This camera isn’t the best, but for capturing the day, it suffices. I loved the gnarled, weather-beaten woods. Windy grasses. It was a glorious day! … with random asparagus. Apparently these lands used to be asparagus farms. Ideal soil for it.Beautiful wood carvings were to be seen at regular intervalsWhere forest meets beachThree guesses as to which way the wind blowsEven the snails were huddled together to keep warm. The sun may have been shining, but it was very chilly!We ended at a lovely pub for dinner. Thank you to Ste and Tat for making a day with very special memories for me :)

Yesterday, I took myself off for a treat and had a hour long reiki session, something I’ve promised myself for years. It was pleasant. If it did nothing else, it gave me an hour of much needed nothingness, a time out of the inside of my head.

Today was a day of relaxing and just doing whatever my whim leads me to, which included a box of coloured pencils, a very special and rather spectacular colouring in book, enjoying a feast cooked by the amazing Ste and cooking up a traditional Tomatie Bredie for the kids to enjoy tomorrow.

I have a lot of very important and life-altering decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. I’m grateful for the gift of this weekend.

Technorati Tags: freshfield,forest,woods,reiki,weekend

Traitorous actions

2014-09-28T16:31:00.001+01:00

I feel like a traitor…. to myself and all I believe in. While I’m not comfortable with my latest actions, I’ve made my peace with them - for now. On Friday, two days after my visit to a very persuasive surgeon, I caved and took my first Tamoxifen. I was not struck by lightning. Neither did I break out in hives.

I do, however, feel as though I’ve crossed to ‘the dark side’.

Mr C, my surgeon, spent a lot of impassioned time telling me that I was taking grave risks with my health. He said that if I were to agree, he’d have me on the cutting table by the next morning. He wanted to know if I was seeing some other practitioner. I knew what he meant by ‘practitioner’ and that he was imagining voodoo just by the way he said it. I came very close to telling him I was seeing a witch doctor just to see his reaction. Two things here… first, I’m not in the care of a witch doctor (I just know someone’s going to assume that not knowing my warped sense of humour) and second, I’ve learnt that surgeons don’t have a funny bone, so I quietly snickered to myself and kept my peace. The only way he was going to let me walk out of that hospital with my records was if I agreed to take Tamoxifen.

Tamoxifen is a drug that blocks oestrogen. Oestrogen is the hormone that feeds my cancer. You can read more about it here. I’m not a fan, not even slightly. It is, however, the least ghastly of my ‘conventional’ choices. If Tamoxifen works the way the surgeon wants it to, the cancer will, at the very least, stop growing - something I believe it’s done anyway. The side effects scare me, not the menopause one, but the others. There’s the risk of a blood clot and the risk of the cancer going ‘yippee’ and making the Tamoxifen create the very oestrogen problem it’s trying to resolve, which will mean an even more aggressive cancer. Then there’s the risk of a very aggressive cancer of the uterus in 5 years, which is directly caused by Tamoxifen. This information, by the way, doesn’t come from an ‘alternative’ website, but from the Tamoxifen itself.

So while I’m not happy taking Tamoxifen, I’m only giving it a tiny corner of my life. The rest is dedicated to health-building, nourishing and healing foods, drinks and supplements. I have more supplements now than I care to count, but we’re hitting this thing with All we’ve got. Perhaps, with my will to be healthy, Tamoxifen will only do good and maybe, just maybe, it will do what it’s meant to do and fix at least one part of the complexity that is this cancer.

Technorati Tags: cancer,healing,tamoxifen

What’s wrong with you?

2014-09-23T23:02:00.001+01:00

I saw an article on Twitter on loving your cancer: http://omtimes.com/2014/08/loving-cancer-good-health/ My knee-jerk reaction was, “Are you crazy??” Love… I mean… Love something that has the potential to kill me or at the very least cause me a whole lot of misery? Love? Ok, so I read the article and it was good. More thoughts on that later.

My nightly research, wandering, link-hopping led me on a further path that had this love theme coming up regularly. My dear friend, Michelle, gave me the link to some music, which took me to Youtube and, being the compulsive link-clicker I am, I was soon going on to other related music. One link led to another and I found myself revisiting Ho’oponopono. Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and love. There is a lot to it, but, in short, it is a prayer you recite with healing intention:

I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you

This prayer can be directed at any one or any thing. At no time does it mean you condone the ‘wrong’ that’s been done. This is also no pat, meaningless apology, just heartfelt love and a letting go of all negative emotions relating to the person, event, thing - or yourself. Yes, you could say it to yourself or parts of yourself.

I’ve used this prayer before, though very rarely. To be honest, I usually forget it exists. Once, I had a confrontation with a colleague at work. The next day, I dreaded going to work fully expecting a continuation of the confrontation - I don’t do confrontation very well - as the situation hadn’t been resolved the day before. In my flurry of tension over the situation, I decided to do some Ho’oponopono. I, rather dramatically, held my hand over my heart, focussed on the colleague and recited the prayer a few times. Arriving at work, the colleague couldn’t have been nicer. She apologised! She also explained why she’d acted the way she had. Now I don’t know if what happened was a result of the Ho’oponopono or just co-incidence. I’m going to choose to believe my little forgiveness ritual had its desired effect. I’ve used it since on other situations and had good effect. It may well just be because of my own mental state being altered. That’s also good.

Going through my mailbox a little later, a sentence jumped out at me, “What’s wrong with you?” It’s what we’re asked when something’s out of place. Or simply a “What’s wrong?” There’s so much negativity and fear in those words. It’s something that’s been brought home to me over and over with this cancer deal. Fear. Negativity. The doctor’s tone dropped to indicate severity. It was all over his voice and body language long before he got the words out, which were also negative, “I’m afraid I have to give you the news…” Why afraid? Why all the fear around cancer? Oh I can understand the fear! I can understand the anger, nay, the rage. I can understand the upset. But that’s the whole problem with sickness in our society. It’s wrapped up in fear because we aren’t in control of our bodies. We’ve handed that control over to the medical institutions and the supermarkets.

Today, I choose to take back control. I choose to love this thing that’s teaching me so much - ok, I’ll at least try. I choose to forgive my body for betraying me and this tumour for turning my life upside down. I choose to love my body and give it what it needs, treating it well. I choose to make mindful choices with what I put into my body. It’s my home, after all, and the vessel I will live in for many years to come. In moving into a home, I like to paint it a bright colour and make it beautiful, choosing my furnishings carefully. Why not with my body?

So, to this cancer I say…

I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you

Technorati Tags: Ho’oponopono,love,cancer,healing,fear

A moment of weakness

2014-09-22T14:49:00.001+01:00

I really need to take some photos instead of using random bits from the web.

I’m tired. Truly tired. I’ve just realised why I love working so much. It takes me out of myself and gives me a break from the incessant thoughts that are running havoc through my mind. I’m so tired of looking at it and trying to decide if it looks better or worse than yesterday. I’m tired of the constant research, looking for the next ‘magic pill’ or having to decide whether x is good for me or bad for me or only good under certain circumstances or measured quantities.

Heading to the kitchen for another lunch of sweet potato and broccoli - thank goodness I love eating those - I broke down. It’s moments like these when I almost want to go to the doctors and just let them do their thing. At least all the decision-making and responsibility will be taken out of my hands. I know that is why people do it. It’s just so much easier to let someone take over. Oh to have someone who can do that… a bit like the motherly neighbour who bustles in with a “Never mind love, let me do it.” The trouble with that is that I’d then feel guilty and, you know, guilt is another sick-creator. Positive is healing. Negative is a downward spiral that ends in hospital wards.

Not to worry. I’ll be over this soon, the mood, that is. The rest? I don’t know.

“The more you ask how far you have to go, the longer your journey seems”

… which reminds me of a blog I wrote a time ago and a lesson learnt on a hot walk in Mossel Bay. I can’t find the blog now and more’s the pity. I could do with that lesson. In a nutshell, I was carrying a number of bags on a long walk and the woman with me (who was carrying far more) said that the faster we walk, the quicker we’d get there and be able to rest. It was far more profound and memorable than the way I’ve managed to put it here, but you get the idea.

I did, however, while hunting for the blog I was after, find this…

"We're a quarter of the way through the year. I'm pretty much half-way through my life. In terms of my dreams and goals, the clock is ticking - very loudly. My life so far has been one of revving engines, tyres spinning in mud, occasionally moving a few inches ahead, even more occasionally moving ahead by a couple of feet - very often just sinking further into the mire.

My tendency to find humour in life has been a survival tactic. If I don't, the misery and, yes, bitterness may just swallow me up. Like many take a pill against what ails them, I take smiles, laughter and positive snippets daily, sometimes hourly. It's my 'silver bullet' against melancholy."

It seems, though my life has changed beyond recognition… there are some things that never change :)

Technorati Tags: cancer,weakness,rant,positive,negative,tired

I’m no optimist

2014-09-22T14:42:00.001+01:00

A dear friend, in fact, a few friends, called me an optimist. The lady overseeing my case at the hospital also ‘admired’ my optimism. Here’s the crunch though… I’m not an optimist. Jurgis will tell you that. I’m often the one that sees where the problem in something may be. I’m definitely not a pessimist though. I consider myself to be a realist. I’ll see where the problems are and choose to look at the solutions. That, I think, is the important part, the choices I make and where they lead me. Yes, they do lead me to come across as an optimist because my “On the bright side…” outlook is a Choice.

After my diagnosis, I set about working on complete mind/body healing. You’ve by now seen my previous blog on the nutritional changes I made. This part isn’t so much a case of ‘changes’, as it’s mostly stuff I’ve been doing all along, as a case of intensifying that work.

As an introduction, if you have 20 minutes to spare, do watch this video. Dr Lissa Rankin puts it much better than I ever can…. the mind/body connection and our innate ability to heal ourselves. It was that intuition I listened to when I told them I would prefer not to have surgery or chemo.

Here are some of the modalities I’ve used in the past and am now using to heal my mind and my body…

Affirmations: Every night, as I go to sleep - in fact, this is what I did while undergoing the bone and CT scans - I recite affirmations. Back in Brazil, I recorded one and I play this to myself on my phone whenever I need to stop and take a ‘breath’. “All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am well. I am healed and healthy. I am happy.” There is more. This is just a snippet. I go from that into a number of gratitude affirmations.

EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique - you can read more about it here: I practice EFT on my way to work every day. EFT helped me with the sheer emotional overwhelm that came with the cancer diagnosis and helped me work on the emotional issues that led up to my getting cancer when there is no apparent family history of cancer. I don’t need to tell you that our emotions and our health are linked very closely. Each day, whenever I thought of it, I’d tap on my weak immune system and the safe and painless flushing of toxins from my body. I’d also tap on any other issues I had as they came up.

One night, shortly after my diagnosis, I revisited an old therapy I’d used before, TAT. Click here to learn more. TAT seems very simplistic, but it’s very powerful (just like EFT). The idea behind TAT, as with EFT, is to clear the past (even historical) events and/or traumas relating to a condition. Either way, I used TAT on the cancer. Like many, I had a huge number of fears around the word and a few traumatic experiences where I’d been exposed to close friends who’ve died of the disease. After doing TAT, I went to sleep as normal, but had a dream. On waking up from that dream, I knew, with absolute certainty, that I’d be clear of cancer in 3 months. It wasn’t a belief, but a knowledge.

After the TAT and my initial rounds of EFT, I found that all the emotional charge related to the word ‘cancer’ was completely gone. When hearing or saying the word, I may as well have been talking about an annoying pimple. It’s still like that. When people react to my diagnosis with alarm, I find myself wondering… what is this drama you speak of and wanting to comfort them, as they seem so upset by it.

Every night, if I shower (no, no…. get that thought out of your head… of course I bathe daily!), I listen to grounding music. I have a few meditations that ‘ground’ me to the healing powers our our Earth. It makes visualising the healing energy that is around me doing its work. If I bath, I have meditations that allow me to heal as I’m lying there in my bicarbonate of soda (‘baking soda’ to my American friends) and breathing exercises that help oxygenate my body and cells.

Another practice that I don’t do nearly often enough, is Qigong. It’s best described as “the art and science of using breathing techniques, gentle movement, and meditation to cleanse, strengthen, and circulate the life energy (qi)”.

Back in Brazil, Jurgis developed a large mole on the side of his head. This mole grew very rapidly and got very much darker. It went from a tiny spot to a large area almost an inch in length. I was worried enough to photograph it to see how it was changing. If it changed any further, we’d agreed that he needed to see doctor to get it cut out. When I next checked his mole, it was gone… not even a trace. I now have before and after photos. Jurgis just decided that it wasn’t welcome and he told the mole just that. Then, he put it out of his mind and went about his life. The mole vanished.

Such is the power of the mind. Such is the power that I am using on this cancer.

Technorati Tags: optimism,realism,eft,TAT,tapas flemming,meditation,affirmations,visualisation,qigong,mind power,cancer,healing

Not so simple

2014-09-22T14:39:00.001+01:00

I’d love to say “I did this and was healed”, but, for a start, I’m still at the start of a very long healing process and, secondly, what I’m doing towards that healing is multi-faceted and not as simple as the explanation I gave at the hospital. I’ll try to sum it up in one blog, then explain more in further blogs. My apologies for taking so long to get this out, but I’ve been plagued by a nasty headache, which has rendered me unwilling to do more than is absolutely necessary.

First and foremost has been a healing of the mind. One of the biggest factors in causing cancer is stress. For me, this has meant working really hard on my mindset, not just believing, but knowing the cancer is beaten. I’ll blog more on this separately, as there was a lot involved. Some have labelled me as optimistic. I want to take this moment to say that I am most definitely not a ‘glass half full’ type of person, but a realist who will see the glass is half full and make conscious plans to fill it!

Before the official diagnosis came through, I started planning my regime. The first step I took was to cut out ALL sugar and sugar-related products. For someone who loves chocolate, this was rather traumatic, but necessary, as sugar feeds cancer. See more here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJsqpg4JpeY - I selected this video because it’s short and sweet, but there’s plenty to be found online about the sugar/cancer fiasco. This led directly to my next step, to alkalise my body. Sugar, for one, is highly acidic and yes, I had far too much of it in my system. Cutting out acidic food was part of the deal, but to actively alkalise my body, I started drinking lemon water (one lemon squeezed into a litre of water) with the aim of drinking two bottles a day. For those who will ask, lemon converts to alkaline in your body, so yes, it is acid, but doesn’t stay that way. Sometimes I make it. Sometimes I don’t. Switching to high alkaline foods came with that particular package deal.

I switched back to goat’s milk, as goat’s milk isn’t acidic like cow’s milk. It helps that I think that goat’s milk is awesome on so many levels. Cow’s milk (throw all beef products into that category) is loaded with hormones too and hormones are a huge no-no (my cancer is oestrogen positive), not just for me right now, but for everyone! There’s a huge belief in Croatia about the cancer-healing properties of goat’s milk as well. I can live with that. My only cheese is a slice of goat’s milk cheese too. Regular cheese now has me rolling in agonies of acid reflux within seconds. Who would have thought it? I’ve been a huge cheese fan for so long!

VEG! Good thing I love my veggies. I’ve pretty much eliminated meat products, only occasionally treating myself to a bit of chicken, salmon or… as we’re having tonight, venison. The whole hormone thing comes into play here. I’m being very selective and this is my treat. My usual meal, if I have one at all after juicing and smoothies, is pictured at the start of the blog. What you see there is a salad with rocket (yum!!), tomato and goat’s cheese, with a dressing of yoghurt (more on that in a minute), flaxseed oil, hemp oil and a little rock salt… then some veggies. The brassica family are particularly good.

Breakfast is probably my favourite meal though. I’m on the Budwig protocol: http://www.budwigcenter.com/the-budwig-diet.php. I don’t use quark, but organic yoghurt with live cultures. Breakfast is (aside from juicing) a bowl of meusli with yoghurt, flaxseed oil, hemp oil, ground flaxseed, a little honey and a handful of blueberries.

Strictly speaking, I’m meant to be juicing all day, but, practically speaking, that isn’t possible with work. At work, for lunch, I eat cold (avoid microwave like the plague!) sweet potato. It’s alkalising and gives me energy in my high-activity job. I nibble on brazil nuts too. Brazil nuts are high in selenium, which is a mineral that stops cancer growth in its tracks.

On the subject of minerals and such, the next part is supplements. At the beginning, I was on garlic, hawthorn and olive leave extract - garlic and olive leaf have anti-cancer properties. Hawthorn strengthens the cardiovascular system, which means all that precious oxygen will get around better. Cancer hates oxygen. Oxygenating my body has become a life-mission. Another supplement is turmeric, or more specifically, curcumin. I have some pineapple first, as the bromelian in pineapple weakens the cell walls, so all the micro-nutrients I’m consuming can get in. Before taking my turmeric, I also take black pepper, so the piperine can increase the bio-availability of the curcumin - ie. increase absorption by the body.

More recently, I’ve added chaga mushroom extract to my regimen. This could be a blog on its own. Basically, in Siberia where the mushroom is harvested, there is no cancer! This is because the locals there drink chaga mushroom tea in place of coffee. There’s a heap of information on the subject online, so I won’t go on about it here. I also take grapeseed extract, my own precious supply of Japanese knotweed tincture and periodically also feverfew tincture. Each of these are valuable in the fight against cancer. Japanese knotweed and feverfew can’t be taken continuously though, so I give myself a few doses on a weekly basis.

I want to do a whole blog on the mind/emotion treatment, which is, to me, the most vital part of my ‘fight’ against cancer, so keep an eye out for the next blog. There’s enough in here to chew on in the meantime, don’t you think? I’m open to any and all questions, though I hope to be doing follow up blogs explaining various parts of this regimen. For the most part, there’s a ton of information online. All I can add is knowledge gleaned from my database and the books I have on hand.

Augh… there’s so much here! I think I’ll leave it at this for now. I can’t say which part is doing the healing work - my bet is on the mind/emotional part that I still have to write about - but it’s working and I’m healing! EDIT: I neglected to go into the juicing. I juice at least 5lb of carrots daily, often with celery, cucumber and spinach added. That's a LOT of juice!

Technorati Tags: cancer,healing,health,diet,acid,alkaline,hormones,budwig protocol,turmeric,curcumin,flaxseed,chaga mushroom,optimist,realist

Half the battle won!

2014-09-11T23:20:00.001+01:00

Today was the most exciting day I’ve had in a long time. Since my diagnosis, my days have been filled with work and tests and exhaustion. Cancer is exhausting, not just the disease itself, but the amount of effort going into research and lifestyle to ‘fix’ it.

Yep, I’m a fixer. From the day I was diagnosed… even before that… I’ve been researching and working on my personal healing. A total cure is what I’m aiming for. No less.

I was called into the hospital for an appointment today to discuss my test results and my prospective surgery, scheduled for Monday, the 15th. I was nervous, naturally. I arrived at the hospital only to be told that the surgeon, ironically, had ‘taken ill’ and I was to see my Breast Cancer Advisor, the lady who has been overseeing my case. She’s a nice lady, so I didn’t mind at all. She sat me down and started with the scan results. Bone scan clear. CT scan has ‘tiny nodules of activity in the lungs’, but inconclusive, as they’re too small and there’s no way of telling what ‘activity’ they are. A follow up scan for those will be done in 6 months, but they’re not considered an issue at all right now. To clarify, anything can turn up as ‘activity’. If I had unprocessed food in my stomach or digestive tract, it would have shown up as ‘activity’ there. A fractured bone would show as ‘activity’, as would a stomach ulcer. I’m not in the least worried about that aspect, especially not in the light of what came next.

Mary (not her real name) said that the next phase of treatment was up to me, whether I wanted chemo first or surgery first. She knows my views on the subject, so she wasn’t really surprised when I said I wanted neither. I’ve asked for 3 drug- and surgery-free months in which to heal myself, then a re-evaluation to see if it’s necessary at all. I explained that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my cancer has been halted and that my body is healing. She wanted to know why I was so sure. I’ve been taking regular photos of my lump (yes, it’s very visible), so I was able to describe the changes to her.

Sensitive readers may want to avoid this part…

The lump itself was ugly. It was raised and a dark, bright, purple, surrounded by angry red. Over the top was a thick crusty scab, not caused by an injury. It was part of the cancer growth. The scabbing occurred very suddenly, about a week before my first hospital visit. Recently, after 3 days of intense itching, the scab fell off leaving a very healthy pink skin underneath. The purple has diminished and is now just a small area. The red is gone completely. The skin around the lump, that was previously a mix of greyish-red is normal flesh colour. The lump itself no longer feels as though it has a life of its own and there’s no more pain! I had constant stabbing pain in that lump!

The best news for today was the lymph glands though. Before, the swollen lymph glad was visible to the naked eye when I raised my arm. I could feel it. Every doctor who examined me could feel it. It was noticeable on the ultrasound and big enough to take a sizeable biopsy from. That biopsy came back as cancerous. Today, Mary found no lumpy lymph gland. She asked if she could call in a second opinion and yet another surgeon came in. He hunted (boy did he hunt!). He examined both armpits thoroughly and said there were NO compromised lymph glands! No swelling at all! He suggested that the previous swelling was just because it was fighting the primary cancer. Mary then told him of the biopsy and he accepted that it had gone down, assuming that I’d been on chemo.

My point was made! My body is healing itself! It’s so exciting! My metastasis has disappeared… completely regressed! With this in mind, she agreed that my 3 month request was not that far fetched and was curious as to what I was doing to achieve this. I told her some… the full truth may have been hard for her to take. I’ll still blog that.

So… that’s my ‘shout it from the rooftops’ big news. I’m certainly one very excited and motivated bundle of happy right now. It makes saying “No” to the chocolate at work so worth it : )

Technorati Tags: cancer,healing,breast cancer,lymph glands,estrogen positive,alternative,anti-chemo

Voldemort!

2014-08-28T18:12:00.001+01:00

"Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."
~Dumbledore

I have my own personal Voldemort - not quite in the sense of the character, but in the sense of having a monster I’ve been afraid to name for too long. This past couple of weeks, I’ve finally given it a name. Before the test results came through, it was ‘The Big C’ - talk about a name to inspire fear! I now just call it cancer. See? It even loses its capitalisation!

Voldemort... or wolf... or whatever form the worst fear takes.
(The artist is unknown to me, so if anyone knows who to credit,
feel free to let me know)

Back in Brazil, I discovered a lump in my breast. I duly went to the doctor and was told it was just a fatty deposit. Switch to ‘ignore’. I’m good at that… ignoring something I don’t want to deal with. We then left on an adventure across the oceans with England being the destination, so we could be closer to Tat. A couple of months ago, the ‘fatty deposit’ changed and very soon became something that was most definitely not just a fatty deposit, so back to the doctor I went.

To give the doctor some credit, I’d hate to ever play poker against her. She gave nothing away, but booked me for further testing ‘just to be sure’. I went for the obligatory mamo. Then ultra scans. Then the biopsy. The mamo is awful. The ultra scan, messy. The biopsy… combine raw fear of the disease with fear of the ‘gun’ that punctures the hole with discomfort and the pain when they take a sample beyond the lump to check for spread. There were two of those… one for the lump itself and another for my lymph glands.

A few days later, I had my appointment to review the results, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC). People suddenly start talking quieter in serious tones. I lost it with the surgeon who broke the news when I told him I’m pro-active and asked him what I could do/eat/drink to promote healing before the surgery. “Oh, just eat healthy and do a bit of exercise,” was his response. No foods or chemicals to avoid - and we all know there are many carcinogenic foods and chemicals out there. He had absolutely no advice at all, not a shred of wisdom to share. Let’s just cut it off and pump you full of harmful chemicals and radioactivity and be done with it. At that point, my anger kicked in. I’ll nail this damn thing, yes, I will!

So, from the point of view of the specialists, the programme is as follows: Next Thursday, I go for a bone scan and a CAT scan to see if there’s cancer anywhere else in my body. On the 15th of September, I’m booked in for a mastectomy. It’s still up for debate as to whether or not they want me to do chemo before or after the surgery. A lot depends on the results of next week’s tests.

I am, however, not the average patient ;) I came home and, after the first tears, rants and blind hysteria, I sprang into action. I’m not without resources. I will do everything in my power to avoid ‘modern medicine’s solutions the cancer. I am pro-active and have started an intense treatment programme of my own. Perhaps I’ll write about that in another blog. Perhaps not. I know that there are those that will try to shoot me down in flames for what I’m doing, but I’m Not going to take this lying down and I will Not have treatments forced on me that will, I believe, do more harm than good. I do, however, intend to be around for many more years, so, trust me, I won’t be stupid about this. I am, in the end, a realist, and will do whatever it takes to heal.

So there’s my Voldemort…. a pitiful beast in the end and one I can fight. I know there will be scary moments and downright frightening encounters, but I have around me so much love and support that there’s no way I can lose!

Technorati Tags: cancer,lump,breast,health,chemo,cat scan,bone scan,mastectomy,voldemort

Nature's Mandalas

2014-05-18T20:07:00.000+01:00

None precisely symmetrical our perfect, but all incredibly
beautiful and unique!

The daisies come with special thoughts of Kippy in Nevada

Technorati Tags: nature,flowers,mandalas,spiritual,meditation,perfection,imperfection

Posies and ringlets

2014-04-20T13:01:00.001+01:00

I love my job! I get to meet the most fascinating people all day every day. Yesterday, it was a little old lady with a halo of perfectly (and I mean perfectly) coiffed ringlets. She must have spent hours on her hair. Picture young Shirley Temple as an eighty-plus lady…. same hair.

Sharp as a button, she was, in her woven green coat. She looked like she had stepped straight out of a 50’s magazine. But this pint-sized dame showed me a thing or two! She’d been sewing all her life and wanted to know if she could buy the fabric instead of having the curtains made up for her. She knew what she wanted and brought samples of her sofa cover in to match the fabric.

Needless to say, she spouted feet and inches to me. My metric ‘everything-in-multiples-of-10’ brain objected in a scramble of numbers that spun dizzily. Not a problem to the genius I was talking to. She was never taught metric, but converted the measurements for me without skipping a beat! That was when she told me she’d retired 15 years ago from My Job! Yes… the very job I was doing! Back when Montgomery had concessions in the Co-op. I’d like to bet she could still do it and sweep me under the rug too. She turned down the offer to replace me, though, as she had a ‘little boy’, aged 90, back home she needed to care for.

I can only hope that I have a fraction of this lady’s spunk and wits when I’m her age. Grow old gracefully? That’s for dull folk!

Technorati Tags: people-watching,retro,work,ringlets,curtains,montgomery

Yes, they can be pretty

2013-12-17T14:51:00.000+00:00

The timing is perfect for this photo. It’s a time when we, as a family, have been having a great number of passport-type photos taken for various bureaucratic processes.

In December 2009, my little bird was planning to fly the nest. It was a very exciting and very scary time for us all. She wasn’t just leaving home, but going to the opposite end of the earth (or so it felt… just across the Atlantic really). There were forms to be filled in, visas to deal with, belongings to sort through and the whole letting go process. I was the official passport photo photographer of the family. I’d just finished doing Tat’s visa photo and was sitting gazing at that lovely face. I don’t usually apply special effects to photos, but that day, I was clicking away at the photo and seeing what effects it produced.

Ah, my little girl… so beautiful, even in the dreaded passport/visa photos. See? Passport photos can be pretty! I do, however, hope that this latest run of officialdom is the last we’ll do for a little while. What say you?

Technorati Tags: tatiana,passport,tat,photo,challenge

Of strength and courage

2013-12-16T14:59:00.000+00:00

It takes strength to stand strong in the face of your challenges, however big or small they are. Today, the 16th of December, is an auspicious day for me and my family. In South Africa, it's known as the Day of Reconciliation - more on that later - but we know it as the Day of the Vow.

Photo by Peter Thomas

My old friend Peter sums up the happenings of the original Day of the Vow or Day of the Covenant on his site. There are many more sites that give the history of that day from various perspectives. This blog is not intended to recount history or morals or right vs. wrong in any way. It’s a remembrance of my ancestors, what they went through and what we’ve been through and the lessons we can carry from that.

On that day, so long ago, a group of a few hundred Voortrekkers (pioneers) came face to face with over 10 000 Zulu warriors. The Voortrekkers made a laager from their ox wagons and defeated the Zulus, killing more than 3000 men, while, of the Voortrekkers, only 3 were lightly injured. As I said before, I’m not going into the rights and wrongs of the battle. The lesson to be learned here, for me, is one of unity and strength and courage. It took great courage and strength to pack their worldly goods into a wagon and trek across country, over mountains, rivers and lands where they would most certainly be attacked. Alone, we need strength and courage to face our challenges, but banding together… as families, as friends, as communities, we can do great things!

Much, much later, South Africa renamed this day to Day of Reconciliation. It’s a day that was created on the foundation of the Day of the Vow to reconcile the people of South Africa and to create a day of unity and healing. The men who came together to create this new day displayed courage and strength. It takes continued courage and strength for the people of South Africa to build on that dream of reconciliation.

When we think of courage and strength, it’s often in times of great strife and ‘war’ with our challenges. Certainly, those are times we need to call on what courage we have and to be strong. Sometimes, just standing up and doing what we believe to be right takes even more courage and strength. Sometimes, the daily grind of living takes even more.

Way back, my ancestors, at one point, were kicked off their farm, which was burnt to the ground by the British. The men were political prisoners and the women and children were put into concentration camps. When they came out, they lived for a time under an oak tree, baking their daily bread in an earth-oven. Yes, they had strength and they had courage. I like to believe that we’ve inherited that strength.

Technorati Tags: history,voortrekkers,vow,reconciliation,laager,strength,courage

Over the rooftops

2013-12-16T14:41:00.001+00:00

The ripple earthy-red of clay-tiled rooftops is a visual that will always take me back to Sao Paulo. Yes, it’s found in other cities, towns and villages of Brazil and in many other countries, but Sao Paulo was such a huge part of my personal journey, that my thoughts go there.

What you’re looking at here are two houses. The tall house on the one side and it’s neighbour, glued to its side. It’s typical of housing layouts in much of Brazil. There is no space between the houses, which are long and narrow, often a series of rooms stacked one behind the other with connecting doors. It’s rare to find a passage.

I love skies and clouds and cloudy skies. I have far too many photos scattered through my albums of clouds, but what I’ve noticed is that many of them are where I’m in a confined area gazing out. It’s a pattern that’s repeated itself over and over from childhood. I was the child who had “… would do far better if she didn’t spend her days gazing out the window” or “…daydreams too much” in almost every school report, particularly the early years. I think much of that dreamer still exists. There’s many a time I find myself gazing at the horizon, thankfully, usually not from a confined space.

Technorati Tags: rooftops,sao paulo,brazil,sky,clouds,daydreaming,memories

A spirit of change

2013-12-07T23:07:00.000+00:00

As I’m facing some big changes of my own now, today seems a day to reflect on changes I see around me. Last night, the news broke that Nelson Mandela has died. It didn’t take me long to get slightly irritated, as I’ve never been one for putting any one man on a pedestal and, the way many were speaking, you’d swear he was a god. Yes, that was my first reaction and it wasn’t pretty.

Dov Fedler pays tribute to Nelson Mandela with this image of freedom, set about Robben Island

My feelings came from a mixed bag of history, events and beliefs. Yes, we were personally affected, like the rest of my countrymen in South Africa, when FW de Klerk handed the country over to Nelson Mandela. For a long time, I saw Nelson Mandela as a man who wasn’t imprisoned unfairly - he’d committed crimes that were, by any standards, punishable. The ‘freedom’ he brought to my homeland was equally debatable, as far as I was concerned. It’s not that I was against it. I was one of those who’d argue for it, but I saw my country spiralling into a cycle of hate and crime. It still has huge issues to work through. Nelson Mandela tried. He started a process. That is not the point of this blog though. If you're interested in that side of things, there's an article in the Telegraph that beats the subject to death, but you'll get where I'm coming from.

Change.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
~Nelson Mandela

People change. Nelson Mandela, I believe, changed. He changed from the radical who felt it right to use force to make a point to a man who preached and practiced peace, a man who found a deep wisdom in himself and stood up for what was right. He spoke of love, not hate. He spoke out against violence, war and hate. He spoke against domination by any one race or colour. He spoke of freedom. He spoke of being strong. He spoke of personal power.

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
~Nelson Mandela

I still feel that too much fuss is being made over one man.... a very human man who made his fair share of rather dramatic mistakes and has a pretty chequered past. He's no more to be honoured than many who do great things, but aren't high profile, even those who make a huge difference in just one person because they smiled at them when that smile was badly needed.

I want to end this with the words of a friend. She put it so well at a point where I was screaming inside from seeing Mandela's face everywhere I turned. So the world may mourn the death of its hero (all heroes have their dark side, right?). I'll admire the man for the wisdom he found in himself and his public fight for equality for all colours and creeds.

Its so normal to mourn someone you love... whether you really know them or not... whether you see them or you don't... whether they are rich or poor... every minute people in the world are dying YES! so does that mean someone who has touched your life in some way... even a distant way as in books or television or making a change in your country shouldn't be honored and mourned over? the world needs to stop being picky... the conformists need to conform and the non conformists need to non conform and that's ok... but allow people to grieve in whatever way they want to! maybe you don't step out every morning to machine guns and bombs and maybe a family member is lying in hospital trying to stay alive and maybe you have no family at all... maybe you are an orphan in a valley somewhere wishing for Peace... maybe you don't even know when your next meal is coming... so instead of all the opinions and all the judgments on a man who clearly said IM NOT A SAINT... maybe you can take time to appreciate what you do have right now... and allow the present moment to be as it is... Mr Mandela you changed my life... because of you, I have very special friends and I don't want to kill them.... I love my family and friends.., I love my country and all the people in it... yes some people are really bad... and yes Government does not always get it right... but just for today can we show our humanity for people who are deeply sadden by our country's loss... he lives on within us all...

Nicole Hayward

Technorati Tags: mandela,nelson,race,wisdom,mourn,death,south africa

#1 - The 3 of us

2013-12-06T18:35:00.000+00:00

Most people who know us associate ‘the 3 of us’ with myself, Jurgis and Tatiana. This goes back a little further to the first ‘3 of us’.

I married young. Jurgis had just gotten a transfer from Port Elizabeth to Cape Town, so we decided to cut our two year engagement back and get married right away. I look at this photo and I can feel that youth and all the uncertainty that came with it. In Cape Town, I struggled to find work. We had one car that Jurgis used for work, so I was stuck at home and intensely bored. “Have a baby,” he said. “It will keep you busy,” he said. Right. Oh the folly of youth! I don’t regret the baby for a moment, but we really could have waited a while.

Ceinwen was born on the 28th of December, 1987. I had just arrived home after my caesarean. It was a typical summer’s day in Cape Town with hot, bright sun. It was a proud day. We had our little girl and Jurgis had just bought our new car, a Toyota Avante Twincam - our idea of a Porche. I still remember its colour! Desert Rose. It’s funny the kind of thing one remembers. When I went into labour in the wee hours of the morning, Jurgis pushed the car, with me seated inside, down the driveway and to the corner before starting it, as he didn’t want the neighbours to know. We had one particularly nosy neighbour. It was this little photo shoot that brought her out. She couldn’t understand how I’d managed to have a baby without her knowing.

We’d barely gotten in with my tiny new-born bundle when Jurgis’ dad arrived. That’s his car in front. I was ecstatic! Not. He was absolutely the last person I wanted to see. The morning after I got out of hospital, Jurgis was outside mowing the lawn and his dad actually berated me for letting him do what he considered women’s work. Oh yes, we had an enviable relationship. If’ I’d just had some inkling that day of what the future held for all in the photo, I certainly would have treasured the moments all the more, even those moments with my father-in-law.

There’s an oft-repeated and very, for me, poignant lesson in this post to treasure every moment of every day. It comes at what is usually a very sad time of the year for me. Today, I will celebrate her life and I will celebrate the life of my other daughter and best friend, Tatiana. I will celebrate the time we’ve had and all the time we will have together.

Technorati Tags: ceinwen,birth,father-in-law,car,photo-write,challenge,cape town,writing,baby

Photo-writing challenge

2013-12-05T16:53:00.000+00:00

Indeed… ‘Tis me

Ok, so I said I was lousy at getting things written. I know how to write, but tend to sit staring at the screen for several eternities and still coming up blank. It’s not as though I have nothing to say and my head is buzzing all day long with… well… stuff. Trouble is, most of that stuff is not what I can write about (protecting the innocent and the not-so-innocent).

I was looking at some photos tonight and hit on an idea that might just work. Now don’t go placing any bets. My track record here isn’t exactly stellar, but let’s see if I can make it work.

I have absolutely tons of albums on my hard drive and really need to sort through the photos. That will entail going through each album to weed out the crud and make sure there are no duplicates. I’ve decided to take ONE photo in each album and write about it. I may allow myself more photos per entry, but I’m going to try to use words instead of more images to illustrate an event, person, idea, and so on.

Can I make this work? Time will tell…

Technorati Tags: writing,writers-block,photos,challenge

Dog tired

2013-10-28T13:11:00.000+00:00

Resting after a morning of digging potatoes

Ok, so she was chasing crows while I dealt with the spuds

Technorati Tags: rest,farming,potatoes,dog,collie

Sombre tints

2013-10-27T16:28:00.000+00:00

Every life has dark tracts and long stretches of sombre tint, and no representation is true to fact which dips its pencil only in light, and flings no shadows on the canvas.

~ Alexander MacLaren

Technorati Tags: dark,light,art,paint,life,happiness,shadows

A wanderer’s prayer

2013-10-25T12:28:00.000+01:00

I have a vast playlist that I put onto random, so I never know what type of music will come up next while I’m working. There’s nothing like a random upbeat song to perk you up when you’d normally click on a sad song or the penny-drop moment when an inspirational song plays and gives you food for thought you weren’t aiming for. Just as I was coming in to have some lunch, this song came up. It’s in Afrikaans, so I’ve written out the lyrics (hopefully correctly!) and translated them to the best of my ability, keeping in mind that poetry doesn’t always lend itself to translation.

I want to dedicate this to my dearest friend and fellow ‘swerwer’, Felicity. It would have been your birthday today. Amanda Strydom reminds me so much of you. You were there alongside me for much of that path I was on and knew my dragons. I miss you.

Pelgrimsgebed by Amanda Strydom

vader god, u ken my naam
my binnegoed en my buite staan
my grootpraat en my klein verdriet
my vashou aan alles wat verskiet
u ken my vrese en my hoop
die pad wat ek so kaalvoet loop
die pad het u lankal berei
u maak die pad gelyk vir my

alle pelgrims keer weer huis toe
elke swerwer kom weer tuis
ek verdwaal steeds op die groot pad
soekend na u bordinghuis

moeder god u ken my waan
my ego en my regopstaan
die drake waarteen ek bly en veg
u wys my altyd weer die weg
u het my met u lug geseen
die lug stroei ek oor ieder een
net u weet hoe my toekoms lyk
ek het niks, u maak my ryk

alle pelgrims keer weer huis toe
elke swerwer kom weer tuis
ek verdwaal steeds op die groot pad
soekend na u bordinghuis

father god, you know my name
my inner self and my outward stance
my big talk and my little grief
my clinging to all that fades
you know my fears and my hopes
the path i walk barefoot
this path you prepared long ago
you smooth this path for me

all pilgrims head home again
each wanderer returns home
i’m still lost on the great path
looking for your boarding house

mother god you know my delusions
my ego and my standing tall
the dragons that i stay and fight
you always show me the way again
you blessed me with your light
this light i spread to everyone
you know what my future holds
i have nothing, you make me rich

all pilgrims head home again
each wanderer returns home
i’m still lost on the great path
looking for your boarding house

all pilgrims head home again
each wanderer returns home
i’m still lost on the great path
looking for your boarding house

Technorati Tags: pelgrimsgebed,pilgrim,prayer,wanderer,amanda strydom,music

Well, stone the crows!

2013-10-22T12:36:00.000+01:00

Wish I had photos of the crows in the field, but they’re not terribly sociable
unless they’re laughing at me from the treetops…
so a photo of the damage to the potatoes will have to do.

It’s not for nothing that I’ve had the song, “Three black crows” by Blackmore’s Night going through my head all morning.

I was headed out to the sheds when I saw a field of black where the potato harvest was waiting. I have to say, I love crows. I love when they sit in the trees and craw at me as I go past, as though they’re sharing a really funny joke. As pretty as the sight is, that does not mean I like seeing them all over the grain or potatoes. Crows like sharing. They’ll dig up the potatoes close to the surface, peck randomly at the potato, then, in their generosity, leave the remains of the potato for us. I’ve tried to tell them that their notion of generosity isn’t working, but to no avail.

I was going to put out stakes with ribbons of plastic into the fields and, with that in mind, I was scouting through the sheds. In my hunt, I found the recycling bin… Beer Cans! So we have stakes, a bit of twine and beer cans. I reckon that makes this the most kitsch potato field around!

Recycling at its best!

Technorati Tags: farming,potatoes,grain,crows,scarecrows,recycling,beer cans,cd's,blackmore's night

Why

2013-10-21T12:59:00.000+01:00

Is that really a light at the end of the tunnel I see?

Why is it that I can come up with a bucket-load of ideas for everyone else, but can't put two words together on a page? I look around and friends are prepping for NaNoWriMo and I know they'll do brilliantly. Here's me, the wordless one. It seems I've lost myself somewhere along the line or is it that that part of me never really existed. Oh! Pah! Who am I trying to fool? I know I have the ability to write at least reasonably well. So where's it gone and, more to the point, why the heck did it run off in the first place? Who gave it permission to go?

There was a time when I would churn out 3 or more blogs a day, often interspersed with creative writing and even art. Me? Create? Did I really? Even the most elementary of creativity seems to escape me now.

Forget wordy blogs. The idea of coming up with 140 characters for something like Twitter is even beyond me... or a line or two for a status update on the likes of Facebook. Pulling teeth would be easier. Friends ask for updates, but I have absolutely no idea what to say or how to say it!

What if I were to just write mindless drivel until the so-called 'muse' returns? Now there's a way to get rid of the last few loyal readers! Do you know just how tempting it is to repost earlier blogs? There are new readers who've never seen them.

Or perhaps I should just write... It's a bit like running, after all. If you don't actually don your trainers, step outside and start putting one foot in front of the other, you'll continue to veg on the couch... right? So, apologies in advance for any waffle that may follow. Hopefully a few gems will emerge from the ashes of my creativity.

Technorati Tags: writing,writers-block,creativity,creating,tunnel

Still waters

2013-10-10T23:07:00.000+01:00

See how calm the surface of the water is? That was me once... and then... *throws a stone into the water* the water ripples and churns. That's what I became.

If we sit here long enough, it will go back to being still again. It will go back to being calm.

But the stone is still under there. It's now part of the lake. It might look as it did before, but it's forever changed.

Technorati Tags: memories,quote,xena,water,stone,change,inspiration