tinyMuse

sunshine and happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:37:00 +0000

I want this dress to be mine and for me to be wearing it in the sunshine. And if my hair was long like hers and my backyard looked like this I would be fine with that too.

Life has been crazy for me, but in a good way. I have so much that is new and exciting to report, but I won't be able to get into details yet because there really isn't time! Tomorrow Ashley and I are leaving for a trip to LA, and I haven't even packed yet. I'll be home again on Monday morning only to leave again on Wednesday for Jamaica. And then Abby's wedding is the following weekend. Also, the house is 'supposed' to be ready soon. It will be a busy few weeks for me, but I'm so happy to be traveling to warm and sunny places. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures.

I'm slowly getting my strength back from the chemo. My eyelashes are growing in quickly (they're short little stubs now) and my eyebrows have started, though I still need to draw them on every day, or they kind of look like I have a 5 o'clock shadow over my eyes. It's really weird and freaky looking. But every day there's more and more, so I'm just kind of hanging in there.

I'm going to try and sleep now so I can get about a zillion things done tomorrow before my flight.

AND, breathe...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:36:00 +0000

Today I got the news that I have been waiting to hear- the results of the CAT scan came back clean. This means there is "No Evidence of Disease" in my body, or NED. I really kind of hate the word NED and always imagine someone fairly unattractive when I hear it (sorry if that's your name), but today I'M Ned, and couldn't be happier.

Dr. Sun told me that I'm a 'true cancer survivor".. I think he means like a warrior I've been dealt some of the worst blows and I just keep coming back fighting. Never underestimate us tiny guys.. small but mighty! They do (of course) want me to gain weight, which I'm trying hard to do. I've gained two pounds since chemo ended, and will continue to gain slowly I'm sure. Last summer I had gained all of my weight back by the end of August. I have about 15 more pounds to gain, how long does that normally take? I have no idea.

Anyway I'm so glad that this scan came back clean; I told the nurses that were taking my blood that it better come back clean because I'm too busy to deal with this shit anymore. Cancer is very time consuming, and I have a lot going on. No time for this nonsense.

But today I have time..I'm sitting in my backyard listening to my neighbors fight about going out too much, and lots of F bombs are being dropped and doors are being slammed, and I'm just glad that's not my life. My dogs are sleeping in the sun and I'm thanking whoever for being able to be here today. Tonight, I shall celebrate.

I heart the rest of Philly too

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 17:58:00 +0000

Even though Northern Liberties is considered a different neighborhood, it feels like an extension of Fishtown and I love it like it's my own hood. This morning (er, early afternoon) me Boss and Charlie went for a cafe ole at Canvas Coffeeshop on Girard and then to the dogpark on Oriana and Poplar. The boys love this park, and as soon as we start driving down 4th they know where we're going and get all worked up. I love this park too because the dogs are always so good, the people are chill, and there's lots of benches to sit in the sun and read or zone out while the boys run around and wear themselves out.

This is what the park looks like before all the dogs come and it gets crazy. Today there was a 3 legged Pitbull and a Chihuahua/Jack Russell mix that was blind in one eye and kept spinning in circles so he could get a full view of the situation. Hilarious.

It's so relaxing here, especially when the sun is shining and I have a good magazine or book, that I end up sitting for hours without really realizing it. And my dogs are so good, it makes me proud to be their mama because they get along with all the dogs and never cause problems. Everyone is always surprised by Charlie and how he likes to get right in with the big dogs and play. He also likes to defend Boss if any dogs seem like they're getting too personal. He's a good big brother.

Boss, on the other hand, doesn't pay any attention to either of us when we're at the park. He likes to collect as many balls as possible and then lay in the dirt and possessively lick them and breath hard.

Yesterday Abby, Briana, Danielle and I met up for some shopping in Old City and I actually found 2 dresses at Sugarcube for the upcoming weddings. And neither one needs to be altered, and they are both made for women, not small children. Yeay! I actually can't wait to wear them and am so happy that I was able to find something that not only fit, but is so pretty. I'll post pics in May. Later Abby and I watched watched the pilot episode of Twin Peaks. I netflixed it months ago but the series just came out so we watched the first one and ate popcorn that Abby made with butter, rosemary, Parmesan and pepper. Delicious. The show is pretty bizarre and funny and creepy at the same time. I remember my mom loving it back in the day (1990) when it was on the air.

This song also reminds me of my mom. I remember her singing it around the house growing up, and it's definitely in my top 10, if not top 5.

i heart fishtown

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:11:00 +0000

On Thursday I went to my first yoga class since my surgery in October. It felt amazing and I'm so glad that I finally went back. I had been wanting to go for months but was just scared that I wasn't ready or that I was going to hurt myself. I bought a yoga DVD several months ago, with the intention of practicing at home until I was ready to take classes again, but this was when I was still on chemo and my body was SO not ready. I hurt myself and was in pain for over a week and didn't try again.

But now that I'm getting stronger I knew it was time to go back. I also needed something to help relax me since I'm not doing acupuncture anymore. The studio I went to is called Angler Movement Arts Center and is in Fishtown. And since it was so warm outside I rode my bike, which was hilarious and I kind of wish someone was with me to see me swerving all over the road and laughing at myself. But I made it there and home and on Friday I was sore but in a good way. And I'm happier on the inside, which is what matters. The class was full of other dirty hippy Fishtowners, so I felt right at home. I definitely smelled an armpit or two, and maybe some 'essential oils'. The teacher was great, and was really careful with me since I previously explained about having surgery on my abdomen.

Anyway, it was a good night for me, and I felt really at peace riding home in my neighborhood. You can see things in an entirely different way when you're on your bike versus driving in a car. But I still don't think I'll be taking my bike anywhere outside of the neighborhood anytime soon. I need to work on a few fundamentals first!

Here's another picture of a random Fishtown street that I found while walking the boys-

It's going to be 75 today, and I'm going shopping in Old City with Abby and Briana. I'm on a mission to find a dress that fits for the upcoming weddings. This probably means checking out the children's section of our local Gap, but I'm not giving in yet.

chill out

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:18:00 +0000

This weekend Abby's closest friends threw her a bachelorette party at the beach. It was totally Abby-style; completely laid back and low key. It was the most un-bachelorette-like bachelorette party I have ever been to...no strippers or penis straws or awkward games. Instead we sat around and talked and had drinks and laughed a lot. It was beautiful all day Saturday and we spent hours outside. Keri and Danielle did some pretty intense yoga while everyone else lazily sat around and watched. Later in the day we had a masseuse come out to the house to give everyone massages and then made a huge dinner. Sunday we did a little shopping before heading home. All in all pretty perfect.

bride-to-be

Abby had stamps made with our names on them. Pretty much the best present ever.

Keri, Danielle, and Charlie do yoga in the morning.

mid-morning snack

girls

Charlie gets his hair did

me, Heather, Keri, Danielle, Briana, Abby

new beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:40:00 +0000

The new loves of my life: basil, lavender, and rosemary:

I know right now it just looks like dirt, but I like to think of them as little baby incubators. It's the perfect environment for new life- sun and warm and dirt and water and LOVE!

I feel like a mother hen, checking on them first thing every morning and throughout the day. I don't know what I'm going to do while I'm at the beach this weekend for Abby's bachelorette party. It's will be my first night away from these babes...

Look really closely around the top left corner you can see the first shoot of basil! This picture is about a week old, I actually have about 20 shoots now.

Ive had such a brown thumb all of my life that it makes me beyond happy to to see things grow under my care. We'll see if I can keep these babies alive but right now they keep getting bigger every day!

I got my 3 hairs cut this week. Actually, I have way more than 3. My hair is so bizarre, it's still falling out but growing in at the same time. Whitney cut it super short and choppy and it actually helps to hide the parts that don't have quite as much hair. We were talking about it and it looks like I probably lost about 25% of my hair, which isn't that bad all things considered. I lost about 75% of my eyebrows and eyelashes though, compared to last chemo where I lost almost all of my hair but hardly any on my eyes. So weird. Anyway, I can tell that it's slowing down though, there is less and less hair on my pillow in the morning. I still feel a little nauseous but hopefully that will start to ebb soon. Since it's been cut I've actually been wearing it without a scarf or wig, even though it makes me self conscious. I'm just so SICK of having something on my head all the time. I was feeling pretty bad about it today, but then I was at Target and in comes a woman who was as bald as Mr. Clean and didn't have it covered up at all. I'm so glad I saw her, it helped me to get things back into perspective. I wanted to give her a hug.

We are heading to Avalon tonight and are spending the weekend at Jed's parents house. I would let you know what we have planned, but just in case Abby reads this before we leave I don't want to give anything away. But what I can say is that, it's going to be a totally relaxing weekend with good friends and good food and good wine and exactly what is needed right now.

Happy Friday.

what's so funny?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:08:00 +0000

Today is my first official non-chemo Tuesday. I'm a little (or a lot) freaked out by everything, and trying not to think too much about it. Which, for me is practically impossible considering that I over analyze which deodorant to buy, but I'm trying. They are going to scan me in a few weeks to make sure the chemo was successful, and I think once I have that behind me I'll be able to relax a tiny bit. But in the meantime I'm pretty sure that I have fingernail, brain, and/or ear cancer..

Since I'm obviously trying not to be dramatic about the situation, I thought it might help me to watch some funny movies. I would say television too, but I don't really think sitcoms are that funny- I tend to think they're dumb. I do have a recommendation to watch a British comedy called Absolutely Fabulous, so that's on my list, but can anyone else recommend some funny movies for me to netflix? Also, I don't love to watch movies twice and I've seen most of the common "funny" ones (Borat, Dumb and Dumber, Napoleon Dynamite, yada yada) so any ideas on less popular movies?

This weekend Abby and Jed had an ice cream party. They made 4 different kinds of ice cream, their own hot fudge, caramel, and whipped cream. I brought Guinness and we made ice cream floats. It was delicious. I have a new camera now, thanks to an amazing, and tall (amazingly tall) chemo elf, and we decided to take action shots with it. This is our series called 'jump'-

This is Abby. She is excited about her new dress and cute tights.

This is Jon. He's excited because he just turned 30 and people are still throwing him ice cream parties.

This is me and Abby. We're excited about pretty much everything. I know we aren't in the air, but I blame that on Jon and his camera skills. We jumped and hi- fived, but he caught us on the way down.

This is the song Ive been listening to all day. It's probably not new, but it's the first time I heard it and I really like it. Kanye West and Chris Martin:

and the award goes to..

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:59:00 +0000

Well, me. I mean to say that they literally gave me an award to commemorate the end of chemo. All I want to know is- where can I get this thing certified? Whoever is in charge of this crazy ride better be paying attention and take note of the fact that I passed this shitty course with flying colors- I even have the gold friggin stars to prove it- and I'm not really interested in taking a repeat. No summer sessions, no fall term- graduated and changing careers and leaving the state if I have to. Over it.

In other news, see sexy Ativan eyes below... This is me after a 4 hour chemo fest/blood transfusion and I'm just waking up but still all wonked out from the Ativan cocktail. If you ever see these eyes in person just do me a favor, smile and nod. Do not think that I will remember a single second of anything I say/promise/agree to because I am not at home. In fact I do remember yesterday somewhere in this haze that I had formed a new plan- I was going to write to Angelina Jolie and see if I could join forces with her and help starving babies all over Africa. This was literally my plan of action that sounded so lucid and right on, I was going to make it HAPPEN. Tomorrow. Forget the fact that I have two dogs, a brand new house, kind of had a rough two years myself, and oh- it's insane.

Anywho, now I'm back to reality and actually feeling pretty crappy. Kind of a constant sense of- ugh I want to puke, but I'm not going to. It'll pass and I just keep telling myself that it's the last time I have to feel this way. I'm trying to be Buddha about it and embrace it and sit with it so that next week I'll feel that much better having paid attention to what I went through. Buddha and drugs will see me through this..

Yesterday was actually kind of amazing in that all day long I received emails, phone calls, text messages, posts on this site, all from people who love me and are pulling for me. I found it incredibly moving, every half hour or hour I had another reminder that I am well loved and am not in this alone. So, thank you. So much.

Now I have to go and put my game face on.. I'm meeting with the central AC guy at 11 and the siding guy at 1115. Im going to start working on house things this week. Maybe I'll even buy a camera so I can start documenting this process and stop being that weird creepy girl taking pictures of all the neighbors houses with her cell phone...

calm before the storm

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:34:00 +0000

This photo makes me feel calm-

Today is my last chemo. I don't really have anything to say other than that. I'm going to pretend I'm on this beach in Oregon instead. Talk to you when I get home.

happy spring!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:24:00 +0000

I know these aren't exactly spring blooms, but it's all I've got going on around here right now.

I'm going to take a nap now so that Abby and I can go get free Rita's later and then watch LOST. I love Thursdays.

i AM a girl

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:15:00 +0000

Jess just sent a few more memories my way via scanner (which I must now own), and I just wanted to share..

This is one of my favorite childhood pictures, circa 1982. I actually have hair, and you can really see the similarities in facial features between me/Rowen and Jess/Xander. I also love that I have almost identical window dressings in my house right now, and that my mom made these costumes by hand.

This is us at the beach, again 1980. I looked either confused or constipated, but my Gram looks fab in her glasses, and Jess looks just like her son (but a girl version, even with that omnipresent bowl cut). X even does that same hand to mouth thing that she is doing when he's excited.

And this is just an amazing picture. I'm about 1 and Jess is about 3 and we're sitting on the deck (which my father built) in the house I grew up in.

I love childhood memories for summertime, my sisters outfits (which I would not only wear now, but I would also probably fit into), and that genuine innocence only very young children truly possess.

time after time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:40:00 +0000

Jess has a scanner and just sent this picture of us as babes on the beach:check out Jessi's gams.. although apparently even in 1980 I looked like a little boy...

hi, Tuesday

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:36:00 +0000

I know that Christmas was a long time ago already, but last night Lydia and I were at Meg's for a proper Irish dinner (Meg made the ham and cabbage, Lyd made soda bread, and I brought the Guiness), and anyway Meg and I were talking about Hannah Andersson and their amazing organic kids pjs so it made me remember this picture and here we are. It was taken at Nonna's house over this past Christmas- COULD THEY BE ANY CUTER? I think not. Watching Reilly run around last night and seeing baby Patrick in Meg's belly made my heart ache for my nephews, there's just no words to explain how big my love for them is. And actually this picture looks a lot like Jess and me as little girls, except that we had longer hair. Jess had that dark hair and was all legs (and had the EXACT same smile as Xander), while I was blond with the same round eyes as Rowen, only brown instead of blue. If I had a scanner I'd put one up of us to compare.. maybe I need to invest in that..

Chemo happened, which makes me happy because I had a small fear that my levels wouldn't be high enough for treatment. My whites were fine, reds a little low but not bad, and platelets were low. But they have some mathematical combination for the three numbers and it was still high enough in total to treat. I did lose two pounds from last week and haven't done anything different food-wise, but I think it's just that I'm getting kicked around a little at this point and I just have to wait it out. ONE MORE WEEK. Today I was very emotional about it and I really felt like I was wrapping things up when I met with Dr. Sun. I told him that I wasn't ready for a total divorce from the chemo, but I would try a trial separation. So, we'll see how this week goes. I'm going to try to get to acupuncture because I know how much it helps with my energy and generally calming down my innate sense of spaz. And Jen, thank you so much for the advice, I will email you for the details. I'm actually in Baltimore sometimes visiting Roxy, so maybe we can set up a time to meet and go together!

Right now I feel completely wiped out. I've been staring at my staircase for about a half hour, trying to decide if I'm going to ask Charlie or Boss to carry me up. But the time has come- goodnight.

the monsters under my bed

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:23:00 +0000

I just wanted to check in quickly and say that I'm fine. If anyone else suffers from insomnia, then you know how frustrating and crippling it can be in the moment. But I finally fell asleep sometime after 4, and now I'm up and getting ready for MY SECOND TO LAST CHEMO. Lydia is picking me up at 11, so this little boy needs to get up and put on his "face"

where's the off switch?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 06:13:00 +0000

Sigh.. it's 219am and there's no rest for this weary brain of mine. I always have a hard night on the eve of chemo. No matter how physically exhausted I am from this process, my mind goes into overdrive when I shut off the lights. I even read until I barely have one eye open sometimes, but as soon as I don't have anything else to focus on besides me I start freaking out about- me. Well, mainly 'me' being my cancer and if/when it will come back and how soon/how long will I have and what -WHAT- can I do to feel like I have any control in this fucked up mess?

And then, in case matters of life and death aren't enough to get me going, I will usually fall back on more trivial, but also somehow more tragic musings, like how bad it sucks to be a 28 year old woman who looks like a 12 year old boy. Who's malnourished. And probably works in a coal mine, hence the total lack of color in the skin. Or he's a vampire. Whatever, it sucks. Does anybody realize that there is an actual use to a belt, other than to just look cute with the right outfit?? I got thru 27 years of my life without really realizing this fact, but now if I don't wear a belt, my pants will fall down. Literally. And that, my friends, is sad. What is even more sad right now is that I have 3 eyelashes on my left eye and two on my right, and pretty much no eyebrows left to speak of. I can't leave the house (well, leave Fishtown- ha!) without drawing on my face or I will scare little children.

I realize that this may seem like small fries when compared with the massiveness of the whole cancer life/death thing, but it's weirdly different. You can't see cancer, you can't stop and stare and whisper at someone's cancer on the street. What you do stare and whisper at are the effects of cancer treatment on people. I may have cancer, but I know you're looking at the fact that I have no eyebrows from chemo, and that makes it suck on a more concrete level. Not sure if that makes sense to you or only to me but it is what it is.

There are other things I think about on these nights where I don't sleep, but for now this is all I can talk about. I'm hoping by talking (well, writing) about my fears they will somehow go away and leave me alone. At least get out of my head, down thru my arms, out thru my fingertips and into the vast internets. I know I'm all worked up and it's getting worse because the end of chemo is so near. Im just scared, that's all. But at the same time, when I stop feeling sorry for myself for three minutes, I'm also really excited and happy and ready to have a few things back (mainly hair and boobs, and the ability to climb a flight of stairs without being winded).

I need to relax. I want so badly to get back into yoga, but this is going to have to wait a few weeks until I regain some strength. Same for riding my bike. What else can I do to let it go without having to do anything physically demanding? I'm thinking I need more acupuncture and meditation music, but any other suggestions?

Ok, I'm getting up to eat some Pirates Booty. Enough of this laying around in bed.

who needs medication?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 17:09:00 +0000

If you need a self esteem boost, just move to Fishtown. I love the fact that I can walk my dogs in my pajamas and slippers and coat (which I just did, btw) and still feel relatively well-dressed in comparison. On another day that might have depressed me, but today I'm choosing half-full.

Also, I should have included this picture the other day, but forgot. I love this little grey house with a yellow door on a tiny side street in the hood.

Not just top 5, I would say this is top 2 or 3 favorite song of all time ever:

if I had to sum me up

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 02:01:00 +0000

in one sentence, this would be it:

God, I love the internet.

the fish

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:52:00 +0000

Fishtown photos..

The Rag Flats

Berks Hewson- (green roof, rainwater collection tank, solar thermal panels on roof, and a Neighborhood Electric Vehicle comes with the house)

This is a car for sale in the neighborhood that makes me nostalgic for a car my mom had when Jess and I were tiny (except that it was dark blue not baby blue, and probably didn't look anything like this in actuality).

bamboo

I don't know what they're calling this one but it's about 2 blocks from my house and I think the ground floor is going to be retail space, maybe a coffeeshop?

I took these photos with my phone a few weeks ago while walking the dogs. I don't know why I posted them today except that maybe it's because I had to let my contractor in at 830 this morning to begin work on the inside of the house, and it got me excited. He said he's going to try and tear down all the ceilings today, so I'll stop by later and take some pictures. Anyway, I slept horribly last night and am convinced today that I have a brain tumor, but I'm trying to rally anyway and take my dogs to the park. We'll see how that goes.

here comes the sun

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:03:00 +0000

Ready or not, it's almost time for me to re-enter the world. Yesterday at chemo I learned that this would be my last round, which means that I have only 2 treatments left, the last one being on March 25th. I thought I had two rounds left (two rounds of three weeks with one week off in between), but Dr. Sun decided that wouldn't be necessary. The standard protocol for my situation is to treat with 4 months of chemo, and I've already reached that. Any treatment beyond that is considered 'extra insurance', so by the time I'm done I'll have had 5 months total. He even suggested that I could finish treatment yesterday, but I told him that I wasn't ready for that.

After my last dose I'll have a CAT scan, and if that comes back clean I won't go back to visit for 3 months. If there is any indication of disease from the scan, we'll decide what to do at that point. I know that I can never be certain, but I feel like this first scan will turn out fine. I just think that if there are any cancerous cells in my body, they are hiding from the chemo, not growing. It's anybodies guess what will happen down the road, and if I'm to be totally honest I have to admit that I'm terrified of stopping treatment. But I'm also excited about the semi-instant gratifications (ie. hair, weight, energy, looking like a girl instead of a boy) that come with a chemo-free life. I do have a thing or two up my sleeve that I'm not ready to talk about yet, but they are in the works for my post-cancer life.

Anyway, I'm trying to just stay in the moment and roll with whatever happens my way. I've managed to work it out so far, and (kind of like everyone else) I can't control what's in store for me in five minutes let alone 5 years. So as much as is my natural instinct to plan and stress, I'm doing my damnedest not to.

Last week was my off week, which was perfect because I had a lot going on. On Friday I went over to Ashley's for Taconelli's (the best pizza in Philly) and I got to meet some new Fishtowners, which is always great. On Saturday was Abby's wedding shower, see below-

I felt like being a brunette that day. Saturday night I went out with Kiley and some of her friends. We saw a band at The Church and then went out for a drink-

I'm kind of digging the blonde, what do you think? On Sunday Roxy and I drove to North Jersey for Meg's wedding shower-

Guess which one I am? No, I'm kidding I'm not in this one!

It was a long but fun weekend, and now I'm back on the final regimen, and exhausted. Talk soon- E.

family portrait

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 23:49:00 +0000

I took this photo with my phone today while I was out for a walk with the boys, and kind of love it.

We are at Nonna's house with Jess and her boys too. It's my week off from chemo, Ben has spring break from school, Gram just got home from a week of oysters and champaign in Florida with her fella, and Pete just got back from a boating trip to Ecuador, so we're all here hanging out. Tomorrow I'm heading back to the city.

I don't have much else to say... I'm getting ready to watch the season finale of Project Runway, and think Christian is going to win it all.. I'm drinking an Airborne cocktail because Xander had a fever of 104 all last night and today, we aren't sure if it's the flu. I guess I'll find out in the next few days.. spring, where did you go??

great song-

here I am!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 04:44:00 +0000

settlement day!

I know I've been MIA, and I felt badly for not posting after closing. But here's what happened- settlement was fine and I now own the house. But I didn't sleep at all the night before because I was so excited for the next day and then I woke up to my realtor text messaging me- she forgot that we had to do the walk through. So I had to rush to get ready, feed and walk the dogs, and get over to the new house to do the walk through before going to the office at 9 for settlement. Then once I got downtown and sat down with everyone I realized that I left the certified check at home on my dining room table. So I had to race home, grab the check, and race back. Everything worked out but by the time I got back to my house afterwards I was exhausted and had to cancel my other two appointments for the day and go to bed. It's so frustrating because in my previous life I would have kept going for another two hours before even having breakfast, but now being on chemo I get so wiped out. I was literally in bed for the next day and a half, and I could feel my heart pounding. Over the weekend I could do things during the day but would crash hard in the afternoon and that would be it for the night.

But today I feel SO much better. This is my week off from chemo, so I'll feel great until next Tuesday. I met with the contractor and the project manager this morning; they will hopefully get started next week. I've been in there in the meantime trying to clean. I am not- by any stretch of imagination- a clean freak. But there is something about other people's dirt that just grosses me out. Not to mention the lady I bought the house from had cats and the whole house seems to be covered in hair.

I bought a shopvac and spent hours literally vacuuming out the cracks in the wood floors. She also liked to use lots of artificial fragrances and chemical cleansers- which are toxic and gross. So I had the windows open all day, trying to get some fresh air in there and I mopped the floors with vinegar and water. In case you think this is weird, it's actually a great way to clean without harsh chemicals. Here is a website that I use to create natural cleansers. Baking soda is my new favorite thing, and who knew?! Plus it's so inexpensive and completely harmless to your body- it's fantastic. The other day I made scrambled eggs and they were all stuck on the pan and I was scrubbing and scrubbing to get them off. Then I remembered baking soda and I put a little in some water and literally just had to wipe and it all came off!

You all might think I'm a big dummy for not already knowing these things, but I just automatically thought- dirty dish, use dish product. Dirty floor, use floor product. Dirty sink, use another product. And all of these products are full of mystery chemicals and do not need FDA approval to be sold in the United States, nor are they required to list their ingredients on the bottle. Some do, but they do not legally have to. Have you ever used a 'bathroom cleanser' and almost felt high off the fumes? It's all a little scary to me, and I'm not saying I got cancer from Clorox, but nobody can seem to tell me why I did get it, so who knows!

OK- sorry for ranting, I get all worked up about the chemicals! So it was a gorgeous day and I took the dogs on a really long walk around Fishtown and ended up at Ashley's house talking to her for awhile. Then I went to Ikea to get some ideas for the house and then I went to South Philly to take a yoga class that Kiley is teaching this month. I was so excited to go and start up yoga again with a teacher that I feel really comfortable with etc, etc.. but I got lost and couldn't find the building and by the time I found it I was too late and the door was LOCKED! So, I'm going to get there for sure next Monday.

Speaking of exercising this body, check out what I'm getting tomorrow:

Ohhh!! Isn't she pretty? I found it on Craigslist, it's a Raleigh 3spd from the 70s. Abby and I have big plans to ride bikes this summer so I had to get it. I find it hard to imagine me peddling anywhere very fast right now, but soon come. Spring will be here and chemo will be done and I'll be cruising all over the Fish! yeay! I had a beautiful black vintage Schwinn a few years ago when I lived downtown and I really loved that bike. But a- I got the tire caught in a trolley track and flipped it while riding it b- it was really heavy and c- I don't think I'm cut out for downtown riding. I need to be more of a local girl. Oh, and d- I was an idiot and "locked it up outside", which meant wrapping the cord around it and through the rail, not through the bike. So, some other short girl in Philly is riding that beautiful thing, and I curse her and hope she lives in a 5th floor walkup.

Anywho, tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day. Maybe I'll take her for a spin before I pack up me and the boys and head to mom's house for a few days. What is everybody else up to?

natural woman

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 02:17:00 +0000

This is a photo I found somewhere in the vastness that is The Internet. I don't remember where I found it, and I feel like I'm going to get hollered at by the Blog police for stealing images. So, I'm sorry to whoever I am not thanking for letting me use this as inspiration for the house.

But I am using it because it perfectly shows the colors and materials that I'm feeling. I love the naturalness of the cotton plant, wood, leather and sticks mixed with the glass and chrome. And the colors- different shades of whites and browns with little doses of fairly natural colors throughout. If I could add a beatup old flatweave ethnic rug on the floor I would move right in.

I also came across this list of indoor plants that naturally purify the air (when you click the link, select 'Air purifying plants' on the left). I have written about my problems that I thought were from allergies before. Well, I talked to Dr. Sun about it and he thinks that it may just be symptoms from the chemo itself and that it may not be allergies at all. He also said that he has heard of people's allergies getting better after taking chemo. I guess once your body is subjected to this level of attack, things like pet dander aren't even a blip on the radar. Either way, there are so many polluntants that we live with in our homes every day and constantly breath in, so I'm excited to incorporate some of these plants into the new house.

Speaking of the new house, I settle tomorrow at 9AM!!!! I'm really excited and nervous and happy that it's finally here. I can't believe I'm going to do this all on my own (without my mom.. ha!) and it makes me feel a little like I'm trying to get into a bar with a fake ID or something. I don't know why, I guess I forget that I am, in fact, a grownup and have been for some time. I still feel like such a girl! Probably also it has to do with the fact that my mom took such good care of everything for me for so long, ever since I got sick, so now I'm just getting used to taking care of myself again.

Anyway, chemo came and went on Tuesday and was pretty uneventful. My white and red counts were high, but this time my platelets were low. Weird, they have never been anything other than normal before. But Millie said they were still high enough to treat and that it was totally normal considering the beating my body takes every week. There is nothing I can do other than wait for them to go back up, and since I have next week off I'm sure everything will be fine for the next round. Dr. Sun had more encouraging words; he told me that it's clear to him that my body is continuing to grow stronger even while being subjected to such a tough chemo regimen, and that he can see a total shift in me from the beginning of treatment. He said (and I've heard this from others) that I look healthier in the face than I did on the first day I walked into his office and that I've matured so much and changed so much that it's nothing but positive. It really means everything to me when he says things like this. For anyone who has never met my oncologist, he is not one to give positive feedback lightly. I think in his line of work it isn't always the smartest or safest to give anything other than statistics. SO, it's great to hear these words from someone who is 0% bullshit.

I'm still trying to work on the whole music thing. I've been told that I can't share music that is bought from Itunes, because it's their form of control or whatever- fine. Annoying but fine. Then I have so much music on my ipod that I want to share, but I can't put it back on my itunes to share. FINE. so now I'm going thru old cd's and slowly putting them on the computer. It's fun because I found some beatiful music that I haven't listened to in forever, but sad because I took HORRIBLE care of my cd's and now half of them are scratched and ruined. Boo. So, no song for today, but maybe tomorrow.

Goodnight, and keep your fingers crossed for me for a smooth settlement tomorrow!
xo- Erin

green is the new black

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 03:18:00 +0000

check this out!

I am totally building this in my backyard. Well.. I'm going to acquire the parts and then hopefully bribe my mom into helping me build this..

ugh.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:20:00 +0000

This is what my kitchen sink looks like. Ever since I found out that I'm going to have a dishwasher in the new house, it has been even harder than usual to make myself handwash them here on Almond. I think I honestly would just not do them anymore, except that I don't have enough dishes or counter space to last me until I move. I don't mind cleaning, I love doing laundry, but dirty dishes are my arch nemesis. Especially when I'm sick and tired, the last thing I want to do is DISHES. Paul and I are getting sushi tonight, so I don't have to worry about the fact that I don't have any clean dishes to eat off of for one more day.

Umm, so the music thing- ahhh!!! Can anyone explain to me why some songs work and others don't? The song I was trying to play yesterday is called A-Punk by Vampire Weekend. I bought the album off of Itunes, and I guess whatever format it's in won't allow me to share it. But if I put up a song from my Itunes library that is from one of my old CD's, it shares fine. Can someone, anyone, please please help me with this? I tried to figure it out last night but got too frustrated. I either need to allow something, or change the file type, but I have no idea further than that.

The Oscar's were good, I thought Jon Stewart did a great job and his jokes were pretty hilarious. I really like his sense of humor. Apparently he only had 9 days to prepare with his writers because of the strike, but he really pulled it off. The dresses were MEH. Beautiful and safe, which to me can be really boring. I swear I saw the same red one shouldered dress in 5 different versions. I don't even have a favorite, they were all just fine. I don't know what was wrong with me though, I kept getting all teary every time someone won. I get so proud and happy for them, like I know them or something. I am delusional. Marion Cotillard won for La vie en Rose, and she gave such a sweet and heartfelt acceptance speech- I loved it. Plus she is so gorgeous, and I kind of loved and hated her dress at the same time. She was probably the most out of the box actress of the whole night, but of course she is French. Anyway, my predictions were pretty right on, I think I only missed one.

I have a gazillion things to do today and chemo tomorrow at 9am. Also, I am listening to the news right now, and I just heard that there was a teenage boy that was shot on his 16th birthday, over a snowball fight. Apparently he threw a snowball at a neighbor by accident and the man then went home and got his gun and came back and shot him in the head. WTF is wrong with people??? It makes me sick to my stomach.

Happy Monday, right?

sunday = funday

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 16:03:00 +0000

This is my new favorite song, and perfectly fitting for my mood today..

It's bright and sunny out and tonight is the BEST night on television..the Academy Awards! Yeay, I look forward to this stupid show all year, I don't know why. And this year I've seen a ton of the movies, so I'm super excited to see who wins what. Here are a few of my predictions:

Best lead actor- Daniel Day Lewis, There will be blood
Best supporting actor- Javier Bardem, No country for old men (duh, he was amazing)
Best lead actress- either Julie Christie, Away from her or Marion Cotillard, La vie en rose
Best supporting actress- it might go to Amy Ryan, Gone baby gone, but I hope it goes to Cate Blanchett for Im not there (best actress ever)
Best Picture- Im going to go for No Country...

Not sure if Angelina and her big baby belly will be there, but I can't wait to see some of the dresses. It better not be a snoozefest like last year!

Anyway, last night I got fancy (aka new fake (human!) hair and party dress) for a birthday party at the lovely Miss Erin S's apartment. There are a few pics below, but my camera really kind of sucks flash-wise. It's either too bright with the flash, or too dark without. Do camera's come with a half-flash? Different flash options? I have no idea, but this is constantly driving me crazy.

me & kiley, gemini twins

Miss Erin, birthday girl extraordinaire

this is champagne with an edible Hibiscus flower in it. we don't mess around.

The party was so much fun, and it felt great to be out in real life again. Erin and David have the most amazing apartment 26 floors above the city with views for miles and impeccable taste. I like to just sit up there and look around at everything, it's really a great space. Although I'm sure their NEW space will be even more gorgeous, and it's going to be just a few blocks from ME! Yeay- Erin and David are buying in Fishtown, and literally just 2 min walk away!! I love this neighborhood and the fact that it keeps filling up with people I love. It's going to be a great spring and summer.

Ok, I have to go. Abby is hollering at me to get ready.. xo.