The Question:

I am sure that there are a lot of people who are hearing about gay teens that are committing suicide as a result of not being able to cope with the teasing, taunting, ridicule and bullying (TTRB) that they were subjected to in their schools and neighborhoods, who think that it is any of their concern. They don’t know any gay teens. It’s happening somewhere else and they don’t see any reason why they ought to join a campaign to get their local schools to stop tolerating any form of TTRB. Besides the reasoning that if stopping TTRB would possibly save one life it is worth the effort, I would like to discuss the other result of bullying that effects whole communities when it occurs.

I have worked with teens for the past 35 years. I have had many harassed teens as client and have some good insights into both their feelings and their coping (or lack of coping) mechanisms. Like most humans under extreme pressure, they exhibit two main reactions, either flight or fight. Those who are prone to flight, tend to not fight back, get real quiet and withdrawn and in the extreme, totally check out through both drug addiction and suicide.

Those who are prone to fight back will do so and generally have an easier time because most bullies will back off. When the TTRB continues despite any fight backs, this group of harassed teens are the ones that eventually plan massive paybacks in the form of school shootings. I have been studying school shootings for many years and for most of them, their profiles supplied by kids that knew them include massive gay themed, teasing, taunting, ridicule and bullying. What account for school shooters generally mowing down students and faculty indiscriminately is that by the time they are pushed to doing this, their minds no longer are singling out specific harassers. The Johnny’s and the Mr. Gym Teacher’s and all the bystanders who laughed at the harassing and didn’t intervene, become “They won’t leave me alone, so they will pay!” And they all do pay with their lives!

You might have noticed that I added teasing, taunting and ridicule to the mix in addition to the normally referenced bullying. I make this distinction because they are usually the precursors of bullying and if they are stopped real early, the bullying will be less likely to happen. Teasing and taunting are what kids, from kindergarten on do to each other. It comes in the form of comments and even jingles about a perceived difference, like big ears or being effeminate.

Normally these are overlooked by supervising adults under the excuse of “boys will be boys.” This activity will stop with concerted supervision. Ridicule is something that, unfortunately, teachers do out of a misguided notion that the persons being ridiculed will shape up their acts to avoid more ridicule and shame. The problem is that in doing this ridiculing, the teachers (in my high school days it was usually gym teachers) are modeling harassing behavior and therefore tacitly sanctioning the teasing, taunting and bullying by the students.

The bottom line is that teasing, taunting, ridicule and bullying (TTRB) are a problem that must be addressed by everyone in a community because the results of such negative activity is disastrous to the harassed kids, who kill themselves and their families and friends, as well as, to the community as a whole when some of those kids become school shooters.

Depending on the kid and the situation, I would be talking to parents (if they were in the picture at all), teachers and school officials, probation officers, social workers, judges, mental health professionals and the like. What normally was happening before I got involved was the teen “program-shopped” for the easiest ride rather than the best solution and would manipulate and play all these folks. When I was in the picture and doing this “quarterback” job, no matter who the teen turned to, he/she got the same advice and feedback and the chances of a more positive outcome greatly increased. This is because everyone was on the same page.

This same principle applies to parents. Those parents, who are not on the same page when it comes to having a clear method of how they are going to raise and parent their teens, will be doing their teens a disservice. Teens need to hear a constant message from their parents otherwise they “parent-shop” for the easier, softer way. “If I can’t get it from Dad, I’ll ask Mom,” is a skill that comes natural to teens. Mixed messages to teens will always be understood as the least onerous of the messages. Parents that are not on the same parenting skills page are very susceptible to this manipulation with potentially disastrous consequences to their ability to effectively guide their teens and to the parents’ relationship with each other. I can not tell you the number of parents I have worked with that were having severe marital problems, many times close to divorce because they were conflicted on how to parent their teens, learn how at Divorce Answers. Their teens were playing one parent against the other and the parents were blaming each other for exacerbating the continual problems with their teens behaviors and actions or inactions.

When I am coaching parents, my first concern is to make sure that they are functioning as a “parent team” and that that team has agreement on all things related to parenting their teens. They also need to have a working understanding that they will consult with each other when new situations arise where they do not have a clear understanding of the other parent’s thoughts. It is quite OK and, with the exception of emergency situations, to answer a teen’s request with, “your father/mother and I need to discuss this.” Consulting with your parenting partner before responding to your teen will prevent that after the fact response from your spouse of, “You let him do what?!!!!!” It will assure that your teen gets a consistent massage and it will build that strong parenting team his/her welfare depends on.

Even in those emergency situations, if you both have consistently discussed and agree on your approach to parenting of teens, you will already have a very good understanding of your partners feelings and will be able to, with confidence, act as the spokesperson for your parenting team.

If you and your co-parenting partner are having problems getting on the same page, for the sake of your kids, it is time to call me. I have a black belt in raising teens and have assisted many parents to, once again, become effective parents.

[Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you publish the entire article and include this complete blurb with it: Life Coach Jason Wittman, MPS, teaches winning parenting techniques to parents of teens and coaches them as they guide their teens through that minefield called adolescence. If you’re ready to become a very effective parent, you can find more FREE tips and learn how you can benefit by his coaching at http://TheParentsCoach.com ]

Please join me and other concerned parents like yourself the first TUESDAY of the month at 11:15 AM Pacific Coast Time for a free, lively hour of discussion, on the telephone, around topics of concern to parents of teens. I introduce a topic for about the first 10-15 minutes and we spend the rest of the hour discussing it or anything that is of pressing concern to the participants.

New Daytime Hours!

Interested? Here is how you can join the call: Click on this link which will take you to the MaestroConferencing.com were you can pre-register for the Roundtable. Complete the form and press enter and you will get a call-in number and a pin code that you will use when you call into the Roundtable call.

The call will last an hour. I will spend the first ten minutes or so introducing a topic or skill set that I believe would be of interest to parents of teens and then the rest of the call will be a moderated discussion on the topic or any other issue of importance. I will also do short laser coaching with participants concerning a current problem, when asked.

I am looking forward to your participation on the Roundtable.

Coach Jason

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, a very learned Indian guru, observed that there are two ways to get to believing: Belief through dogma and belief through doubt.  He stated that people who form a belief after having their doubts addressed, tend to have an unshakeable belief whereas those who formed a belief by blindly accepting the dogma of some person of high regard tend to drop the belief if a traumatic situation occurs to challenge the belief or if their faith in the person the so highly regarded is shattered due to the person’s misdeeds

Great therapists operate under the principle that there is no such person as a resistant client, only therapists that are not flexible and innovative enough to figure out new ways to join their clients where they are and lead them out of their dilemmas.  The same holds true for great parents of teens and young adults. They recognize that the behavior normally labeled resistance, recalcitrance or stubbornness is actually the traits of a questioning youth that is very much engaged in the process of learning and growing up.  Great parents know that if the answer to “why do I need to do that?” is “because I said to,” that the chances for compliance are slim. To label that as resistance and push harder by talking louder and/or handing out punishments, is a prescription for minimal compliance at best and even greater push back by the teen, at worst.

This is the part of parenting adolescents that is the most challenging. It is much harder to figure out how to really explain and give convincing reasons for a simple request than just issuing an order.  For those parents who still expect their teens to be the same blind follower of orders that they were at ten years old, this locking of horns leads to parental burn-out and sometimes resorting to corporal punishment.

Parents need to understand that their teen’s resistance is a signal that the parents need to figure out better approaches and explanations, and that it is most important that their teens have a good answer to the “why’s” so they can eventually be their own parent. Once parents realize that this process is part of the educating function of parenting and not the discipline function, this part of the parenting game can actually be both winnable and fun to play.  As challenging as this process is, when parents see their teens beginning to do the responsible thing without prompting, they will have inner satisfaction of knowing that this way of parenting is definitely worth playing.

I am often asked by parents whether their teens are addicts or alcoholics. Most of the time I find that they are usually jumping to the conclusion that their kids are one hour from a major overdose before gathering all the facts related to their teens use of mind altering substances. Whole books have been written to answer these concerns. What I am going to do here is to present the most important consideration that must be made by parents who is worried about their teens involvement is substance abuse and addiction.  It is important to note that I do not differentiate between legal and illegal ones when talking about mind altering substances. I, also, include all the other addictive behaviors, sex, gambling, compulsive eating and eating disorders, and compulsive work and working out activities in any evaluation of a teens substance use, abuse and/or addiction because they are just a different form of the same problem. I look at the core problem behind all abusive and addicted behavior is low or no self-esteem and self-worth which develops into the habit of thinking and acting like a loser. The actual addictive behaviors are just symptoms of that core problem. With this in mind, let’s explore my thoughts on what parents need to do to get a handle on their teens substance abuse problems.

In evaluating the degree teens are involved in substance abuse and addiction, it is very useful to answer the following questions:

1. How old is the teen?
2. Is the usage regular or sporadic?
3. If regular, how regular? Daily, how many times a week, continual?
4. Is it a weekend recreational thing (partying with friends or continual throughout the school year?
5. Has it only become noticeable during vacation times?
6. Has there been a noticeable decrease in positive, school related behaviors, such as doing less homework, ditching school, more disruptive or less participatory in class, a significant change in friends, or a change in sleeping patterns?
7. If the concern is drinking related, is he/she regularly drinking to a point of being totally out of control, not remembering what they did while drunk (in a blackout) or passing out? Any of these appearing on a regular basis are indications of serious abuse and alcoholism.
8. If the concern is about smoking pot, is this an everyday affair?
9. Does your teen or young adult think that he/she has a problem?
10. Is there any evidence of any use of meth amphetamine, cocaine or depressants (pills, cough syrup, and heroin)? There is no casual, recreational use of these drugs, especially meth amphetamine which is highly addictive after very little use.

Many of the questions I have posited might not be, individually, an indication of anything special. I am suggesting that only after answering all the questions, will you get a clear enough picture to start to figure out the answer to your original concerns. It is even more important that you have answers to most of these questions before you consult with a mental health professional because those are the questions that he/she will have to have answered before giving you any advice on how to precede. (Another good reason for doing this before consulting mental health professionals is that many of them never ask these questions and therefore miss-diagnose the problem. I once had a psychiatrist diagnose one of my youth program clients as being in the manic phase of bi-polar without ever asking about illicit drug use. The kid was actually speeding his brains out on crystal meth-amphetamine! )

So let us suppose that your teens are in the throes of an addiction (I am including alcoholics in this category), what are the options available to you? The first “it depends “ is, it depends on your teens’ age. Under 16 and, possibly 17, you have a lot more options because you can call on the governmental, juvenile social services resources and, if necessary, leverage the ever threatening hammer of the juvenile justice system. As your kid approaches 18, you are likely to get less and less cooperation from governmental resources because they figure that he/she will age out of the system before they can have any positive effect.

Question 9, above, is most important in deciding what your course of action will be. If your teens are, as they say in 12 Step programs, “sick in tired of being sick in tired!” and have admitted that their usage is out of control AND they want to do something about it, your job has immediately become much easier because all you need to do then is to get them to an appropriate recovery program and continue to support their being there. If they are in denial about how mired in addiction they are, you will need to consult with an addiction specialist who can advise you how best to intervene.

Before any thoughts of intervention, it is very important that you make sure that you are not inadvertently doing things that will contribute to increased usage by your teen.

1.  Screaming louder, nagging and throwing guilt and shame are not interventions. They are exercises in frustration, on your part, and will almost certainly produce the opposite from the desired result from your kid. The reason for this is that they already know that they are messing up, big time, and are full of guilt and shame. You laying more of that on them will just increase the intensity of their negative feelings of themselves. The only thing you will accomplish is to get them to use more because that is the only way that they know to deal with and blot out all those negative feelings.
2. Pay attention to ways that you might be enabling the behaviors, such as providing an unlimited supply of monetary support. Stop giving money without first asking what it is for and then demand a store receipt for it before you will provide any further cash. Better yet, you do the purchase for him/her.
3. Another behavior that is very enabling is covering for them. It postpones their eventually bottoming out, which is the only time when there will be an understanding on their part that they have a problem and need assistance to conquer it. Examples of covering for them is to write excuses for school that they were too sick to go to school when the reality of the situation was that they were too hung over or crashing too hard after coming down from a crystal meth binge. The same goes for work. When the boss calls to find out why they didn’t show up for work, continually covering for them by saying they are too sick to get to the phone will save their jobs, but will it save their lives? Please note that this and for that matter, all these suggestions are for how to deal with your kids who you know are addicts or heavily abusing drugs and alcohol. Occasionally covering for your kids who screwed up and has learned a lesson from it, is just part of parenting. This suggestion is aimed at regularly covering for them.
4. Make sure that all valuables and cash are locked up and not accessible. Become real aware of the inventory of your possessions to make sure that none are disappearing. Not following this suggestion puts temptation in the face of your kid and when they help themselves to your goodies to support their habit, will contribute to their already guilt-ridden psyches.
5. Make sure that all your recreational and prescriptive goodies (alcohol and prescription medicines) are locked up for both the same reasons as #3, above, and because you will be directly enabling their usage. A recent study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse found that a third of the prescription drugs illegally obtained by the teens in their study came from their families medicine cabinet! I can’t tell you the countless number of times I have heard teens in recovery groups admitting to drinking their parent’s alcohol and adding water to the bottle to cover up the thievery. Full disclosure compels me to admit doing this myself when I was a kid.
6. You and your spouse would benefit greatly by joining Alonon, an organization for significant others of alcoholics and addicts. At these free meetings you will find other parents who have already been through what you are going through who will teach you how then did it. It is a great resource. You do not need to do this alone without the support that the other members of Alonon can give you.
7. If you or your spouse or significant other uses recreational drugs or drinks heavily, you have two choices. You can either stop your use or you are going to have to become a hypocrite and use in secret. The environment always wins! If you are creating an environment where your use of recreational drugs and heavy alcohol use is the norm, expect your kids to do as you do. Please understand that your kids won’t get the distinction between your occasional use of pot and their continual use. They also will not understand that you’re putting away a six pack or two of beer watching Sunday night football and then going to sleep is any different from their drinking with their friends while, at the same time, driving. If you can’t do without using, even for the sake of your kids, then you probably ought to investigate your priorities and/or if you, too, have an addiction problem.

So here are some of my thoughts on intervention:

1. If your teenager gets arrested it is important that the juvenile justice system, usually through the probation department, knows that you are concerned and involved as a parent. You also need to let them know immediately if you teen has special needs, such as medications, or special concerns, like suicidal tendencies or he/she is Gay or a Lesbian, so they can properly care for and protect him/her.  
2. Do not immediately push for his/her release unless there is a real danger of being in the detention facility. There is nothing like a few days in a locked down facility to get the point across that maybe the track they’re on might not be the best one. I once knew a county court judge, Bruce Dean, in Ithaca, New York where I ran my first street program. Judge Dean was fond of pointing out his chambers’ window to the county jail across the parking lot and exclaiming, “That is where they get religion!” If you spring your kids the moment they get arrested, you are both not allowing time for the experience to sink in that maybe they had better do something different and you are sending a signal that you condone their behavior. If you let them sit for a little while, when they do get out, there will most likely be a window of opportunity when they will be willing to get some assistance with their problems. What will assist that decision will be your pointing out to your kid that if he/she is already in some sort of treatment program before the court case is to be heard, the chances of the court just continuing staying in that program, rather than putting him/her away for a while, is pretty high.
3. Have all your homework as to what substance abuse treatment options are available done long before you need them and then become a patient opportunist while waiting for a window of opportunity to present itself. Those windows usually occur after some sort of a setback that acts as a wakeup call to the teen. Getting dumped by a girlfriend because she would not put up with him being constantly stoned could be such a wakeup call. If you are able to pick up on his despair and he shares with you the reason for the break-up, that could be an opportunity to let ask him if he is ready to stop using pot and let him know that if he wanted to do something about it, you will get him the assistance he needs and you will be there for him. Notice how I phrased that. There was no haranguing, no throwing of guilt, or put downs, just an offer of assistance. If it is not this time, when he has finally had it and is ready, he will remember this conversation and will ask you.
4. If your teen has been arrested for a substance abuse related crime and is in the juvenile court system, it is important for you to understand how that system works. Briefly, the purpose of juvenile courts is primarily treatment, not punishment. The judge is part everything; judge, jury, social worker, uncle, aunt and hammer when necessary. The judge’s main task is to do whatever is necessary so that the teen moves on to a better life. Juvenile court judges have lots of latitude in deciding how to handle the case. The main actors in a juvenile court are the judge, the state’s attorney, the defense attorney, and the representative of the probation department. The support personnel are the bailiff (the uniformed officer who keeps order and serves as traffic control) and the court clerk The flow of a case through the court is a) an appearance immediately after arrest before the judge where the charges will be read and the judge will decide whether to hold the teen in custody or to release in the parents’ care. b) the case will be put on the court calendar with enough time for the probation department to do an investigation of the case, the teens prior behavior and the family environment. c) the case will be heard by the judge (there are no juries in juvenile court) with the state and the defense presenting their testimony and the judge will render a decision. d) if the judge decides that the teen has committed the offence, the probation representative will be called upon to advise the court on possible treatment options. If probation did not complete its work before this court date then the case will be again postponed to give them time to do that work. e) the judge will take into consideration the recommendations of probation, the state, the defense and the parents and decide on an appropriate plan for the teen. . – You can play a major role in this process by your active involvement. The way you can have the most positive influence on your teens case would be to have done your research beforehand so that you can suggest an appropriate treatment plan to the probation officer that will be interviewing you either in the probation office or in your home. Hopefully probation will agree with you and adopt your plan as theirs. It would be very good for you to also present this plan in a letter to the judge with copies to the other main actors (give it to your teens lawyer who will do the actually distribution). As much as they all are concerned with making sure that the adjudicative treatment plan (juvenile court term for sentence) is appropriate for the teen, none of them have any prior experience with your teen so if your plan is well researched and practical, they will probably adopt it. This is how, as a social worker for my non-profit agency, I regularly influenced the outcome of almost every case where I went to court with my kid clients.
5. Now that home drug testing kits are available, if you suspect that your teens are using drugs, despite their claims of innocence and you have good reason to think they are lying, by all means test them. Before actually testing them, ask for an honest answer to the “have you used anything in the past two weeks?” question. Let them know that there will be no punishment for a yes answer. If you get the “don’t you trust me?” reaction, your answer can be that trust is earned and if they say that they didn’t use and the drug test come back negative, that you would be more likely to trust their answer the next time around. These tests have to be surprised ones with no prior warning because there are products readily available that will mask drugs and create a false negative.      
6.  If the test comes back positive, that is an opportunity to discuss openly with your teen, about his/her use and how it could affect the rest of his/her life. Before you have this conversation, please make sure that you have done your research so that your facts are accurate. For instance, when all night dance raves were the thing teens did, some died while raving on Ecstasy. Parents tried to scare their teens by saying that if they used Ecstasy they would die. Most teens knew that it wasn’t the Ecstasy that killed ravers; it was dehydration and heat exhaustion that did them in, due to thousands jammed into confined spaces with little water and no ventilation. The parents who spouted this line, immediately lost credibility.

Before I leave this subject, a few words on some preventative measures you might do with your teens to hopefully prevent their ever becoming abusers or addicts.

1. Make sure that you do everything you can to assist them to develop great self-love and esteem. Teens only turn to addictions when they are trying to fill that empty hole in their psyches that exists when they do not like themselves very much. Exercises like my mirror exercise where every time they see their reflection they must smile and say one nice thing about themselves, when taught from a very early age, go a long way to developing that self-love.
2. When you suspect that your teens are going to be exposed to alcohol, it is a good time to start talking about responsible drinking. My mother always told us that you never drink alone and you never drink when you are feeling bad or nervous. That message was hammered into us kids. It probably saved my life more than once. Of course, the primary message is that it is much better to walk through life without having to rely on a chemical crutch such as alcohol and drugs. I always preface the responsible drinking statement with, “ If you must [or insist on ] drinking then……” and go into the montra of “you never drink alone and you never drink when you are feeling bad or nervous.”
3. I mentioned this in one of the previous sections and it deserves repeating here. You as parents need to model for your teens responsible behavior when it comes to alcohol and drugs (legal and illegal). They will do as you do NOT as you say. You drink alone or belt down a few after a hard day at work, don’t be surprised if they do likewise (only most likely way more excessively than how you do it).

Hopefully, I have covered most of the questions you might have regarding substance abuse and addiction and your teens. If you still have more questions or need coaching to get through this with your teen either find someone in your community who has lots of experience dealing with these problems. In my experience, professionals in the youth work and the substance abuse treatment communities are the most knowledgeable. Law enforcement or probation officials and religious leaders more often than not will provide information based on their views of what ought to be rather than on solid research of solutions that actually work. Of course, you can always call on me for a second (or a first) opinion.

Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you publish the entire article and include this complete blurb with it: “Life & Mentor Coach Jason Wittman publishes ‘My Coach Jason’s Tips for Winning at Life’, monthly ezine. If you’re ready to jump-start your life, you can find more FREE tips, FREE subscription information, and how you can benefit by his coaching at: http://TheParentsCoach.com

The problem in parenting is that most parents do not recognize that, for them to remain effective parents, they need to make an equally huge shift in their approach to parenting. Most pre-teen parenting is from the top down. Parents lead and children follow. Parents dictate the agenda and their kids are made to obey. With older teens, this kind of parenting becomes less and less effective. Most problems parents have with older teens boils down to a power struggle. It becomes a war where parents might win a battle or two, but they will ultimately lose the war and possibly any influence they might have in their kids lives, as well. With a shift in thinking and parenting techniques this warfare would disappear.

This new approach to parenting older teens, Permission Parenting, is based on the idea that as teens become more independent, there is a natural tendency on their part to become more resistant to parental edicts. For parents to remain relevant in their kids lives they need to change their approach to one of asking permission from their teens to act as their parent. For parenting to be effective with increasingly independent teens, the teens have to buy in to being parented. I am not suggesting a re-negotiation of a contract, but rather recognizing that there is a major shift happening, then gradually altering parenting techniques to effectively match the changes in their teens.

Now that we have discussed what Permission Parenting is, it is important to discuss what it is not. Permission Parenting is not permissive parenting. The two words sound similar but have very different meaning, especially when it comes to parenting. There is nothing about the concept of Permission Parenting that includes being permissive by giving teens license to do whatever they please. As my Mother used to say, “As long as you are living in this house you will follow my rules.” I will discuss more about rules, later. Actually, Permission Parenting is not about giving anything, but instead it is about receiving something from your teens. It is about gradually changing the conversation from “This is how to do it and this is how you are going to act,” to “May I assist you to work through that?” Permission Parenting isn’t about giving teens permission but rather asking for and/or getting permission to do some good parenting.

This is a huge shift in thinking for parents who have a thirteen year habit of ruling the nest and expecting and usually getting blind obedience. It is as equally huge a shift from their freely dispensing instructions and opinions on and about everything in their kids lives. Furthermore, it is a huge shift from being less able to call on a very effective repertoire of punishments to coerce at those time when obedience was not so blind.

Although, not about parenting, a little story from my life is a good illustration of how changing the tactic to match a change of situation can achieve an intended purpose. I am the older brother by two and a half years. My brother and I shared a bedroom. For our earlier years I was king of the bedroom and ruler of his life in that I got my way and I enforced that physically when necessary. At some point in our childhood by little brother started to be less little. In fact, he was growing faster than I was and quickly physically surpassed me by leaps and bounds. I noticed this process occurring and as he got close to being my physical equal, I stopped using physicality to control him and shifted into verbal intimidation. He never got the chance to beat me up because I never gave him that chance. For years afterwards, I continued to remain dominant by acting in charge but never pushing it to a point where I had to back up the threat with a battle I knew I would lose. The point here is that I was able to continue to get my way by changing the tactic from physical to psychological. With parenting teens, to be able to continue to be great parents requires changing the tactics to fit the changing needs of their teens.

Diana Sterling, in her marvelous book, “Parent As Coach” the how-to text for Permission Parenting, devotes an entire chapter to the art of listening to what teens say. It is one of the first two of her seven step process and for good reason. Only through listening to our teens can we get the clues as to what they need from us. Since they are now setting the agenda, we can only get those clues by intently listening to what they are saying. Rarely will teens, especially early in this process, directly ask for parental assistance. In fact, the first clues that this shift is happening is when they are making requests, actually demands, to be allowed to “do it myself!” Because there probably won’t be any direct requests it is very important for parents to respect their teen’s emerging individuality by asking for permission to be of assistance.

Asking for permission depends on the kind of assistance parents think is needed. There are two main categories, instructional assistance and inner-mind assistance. Instructional involves teaching of skills and techniques such as how to clean a toilet or how to write a resume. inner-mind assistance involves tutoring and providing support to teens as they work through emotional problems, learn new coping skills, and build self-confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes there is a blend of the two types of assistance. Walking them through their first dates by teaching them what to do, what to say and how to act, and supporting them emotionally to get through the nerves and anxiety.

For instructional assistance the basic rule is that if they want to do it on their own, let them. “I would rather do this myself!” or “Let me do that,” are not signs that you are no longer useful or have become superfluous, rather, they are indications that your original mission of teaching how to do things has changed from explaining everything to teaching only when asked. This is no less important a role. Actually it is a very important next step. It is parents assuming the role of a coach. The rule is that when your teens are indicating either through words or actions that they do not need your assistance, back off and let them do it themselves.

My Mother never understood this concept. Not only in her own family, but when she saw this going on in other families, she would label teens asserting their independence as their being “ungrateful wretches.” Parents want to avoid at all costs being ejected from their teens’ lives. This will be avoided if they back off and say such sincerely supportive things as, “I am glad to see you taking on this responsibility. If I can be of any assistance, just ask.” or O.K., I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.” The next thing for parents to do is to physically leave the scene. Standing there watching them is a sign of lack of confidence in them. Let them get into trouble and ask for the next lesson. The only time they are truly teachable is when they know that they do not know. Let them fail and ask to be coached. If they ask, do so in a supportive way, rather than gloating on how you knew they would fail. This is not a contest about who is right. It is win-win if parents stay out of the competition. Parents have already won. They have made it out of adolescence and on to being responsible adults. Now they get to coach their teens to win. When that happens the parents win, too! This is Permission Parenting.

My assumption has been that this transition process will start in middle teen years with small non-critical things like washing the dishes. For instance, you are watching him wash the dishes and he looks over at you and says, “Must you watch me?” or, sarcastically, “Am I doing something wrong?” Say, “Actually, I was just thinking how well you are doing them,” and walk away. With critical things that involve safety, both theirs and every one else’s, like driving a car or using power equipment, there are more steps involved. With my kids, I told them that I would teach them how to safely do the task, I would observe them doing it and when I was sure that they could handle it safely, I would then leave them to do it alone. They knew that I was perfectly willing for them to test their abilities and have failures when to do so would not injure them or others. For one’s where I felt the penalties for failure were too severe because of potential hazard, they knew that they would have to earn my trust through demonstrated successful performance. After that I would leave them alone.

For inner-mind assistance like emotions, coping skills, people skills, self-confidence and self-esteem, parents seem to have a harder time coming to an understanding that they can only be of assistance when they are invited in. This concept was most difficult for me to get. When my son was in deep emotional turmoil, he would become silent and unresponsive. What was worse, he wouldn’t talk about it. I would feel like a totally helpless failure. If I persisted in my efforts to get him to talk, he would physically leave the house. I would start to feel that his upset was because of something I did or said and I would become a total emotional wreck. Eventually I realized that the roles had changed. He needed to be given the space to work through his feeling by himself. When I backed off, letting him know that if and when he wanted to use me as a sounding board, I was always be there for him, he did eventually start sharing his most inner feelings and allowed me to coach him through them.

The steps for coaching teens through emotional turmoil and other inner-mind issues once they have asked for such assistance, is very important. The first step is to shut up and let them talk until they have nothing more to say or they ask a direct question. Then continue to say nothing until you have fully digested what they just told you or, if you already know your response, enough time that it looks like you are carefully considering your response. Then ask for permission to make a suggestion or ask a question. “May I ask you a question?” or May I make an observation or suggestion?” Wait for permission. When you get the O.K., then make your comment. Making your suggestion in the form of a question that get them to see their situation in a different light and points to a solution is way more effective than outright telling them. It gives them practice figuring out solutions on their own so that when you are not there to coach them they will be able to do it on their own. They also get to be able to take the credit for the solution which is a confidence and esteem builder.

A final thought about how rule setting is done with Permission Parenting. As the shift towards independent thinking occurs, parents need to logically explain why it is important to follow their rules in exactly the same manner they would do if an adult came to stay with them. If they can’t explain the importance, then they can expect lots of non-compliance. Older teens need to be able to see why things need to be done in a certain way and to buy into the rules. The days of “do it my way because I said so, or else!” are almost over. How will you enforce the “or else,” ground them? – They know that they can survive on their own and pushed and challenged enough will leave, if only to save face. If that happens, parental influence is over. You lose and so do they because they won’t have your needed guidance. Just as I did with my brother, pick and choose your battles carefully. Parents need to figure out what rules are the bottom line  for living in the family and in their household and let those be known. Everything else is negotiable and needs a buy-in from their teens.

Parents who embrace Permission Parenting will eventually, like all parents, end up living in an empty nest. The difference will be that they will have a lifetime of contact with their kids. Permission Parenting is parenting for the rest of their (and your) lives because they will always want you as their coach.

©2007, J.Jason Wittman

About the Author:

Coach Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach
specializing in working with parents of teenagers and young
adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached
at jason@theparentscoach.com

Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you
publish it unedited, in its entirety, including this ending blurb.

As the child grows into being a teenager and then onto adulthood, the parental role and how much they are called upon to be parents, changes. It is the dance of dances. Unlike most dances the pattern and the requisite skills constantly are changing. Just when the skills are learned, the dance changes in beat, complexity and intensity so new skills need to be learned or innovated, on-the-fly. If parents do not understand that this is an ever-changing dynamic process and expect that the rules and skills of the game, once learned, will apply for ever, they are destined to get burned out, frustrated and overwhelmed. When they understand that parenting of teens is an ever-changing dance, then it can become an exciting game of staying at least one step ahead and innovating when necessary to be the best parents they can be. The expectation that the dance is ever changing converts the frustration and overwhelm into an exhilarating challenge.

In the martial art of Tai Chi there are two parts of the practice. The first part is a long set of positions that the person slowly, but fluidly moves through. There is a set beginning and forty minutes later there is an end. It is rote, predictable and infinitely meditative. The second part is a two person exercise called "pushing hands". In Pushing Hands, two people face each other and with both hands placed palm to palm with each others hands, they start to attract and defend and counter-attack without ever breaking contact. The purpose of this game is to effortlessly and unconsciously respond to each change in the situation. To be able to do this well, they first have to master the first solo part, the basic form. Once that is deeply ingrained within, then they can allow this inner self, the unconscious mind, to act immediately and appropriately. In parenting, once the principles of parenting are learned, accepted and practiced until they are automatic, as the dance continually changes, the parents will easily and effortlessly act appropriately for each new situation. The basic framework of parenting does not change. What changes is the way those principles are applies to ever-changing and sometimes rapidly changing circumstances

©2007, J.Jason Wittman

About the Author:

Coach Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach
specializing in working with parents of teenagers and young
adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached
at jason@theparentscoach.com

Coach Jason publishes "My Coach Jason’s Tips for Winning at Life,"
in ezine that he issues periodically when he feels that he has
written something of value to his clients. If you’re ready to
jump-start your life, you can sign up for the ezine, find more FREE
tips, and how you can benefit from his coaching at:
http://MyCoachJason.com

Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you
publish it unedited, in its entiety, including this ending blurb.