How to Be a Better You

30 Ways to Instantly be a Better Parent

2011-12-19T18:08:00.001-08:00

I am spending many late nights finishing my dissertation, and I find with so much serious concentration that I look forward to playing games with my children even more during the day. Coloring with chalk and playing hide and seek are great ways to distract me from the 300 pages of academic writing I am trying to complete. As I watch my children, I am encouraged to be the best parent I can by always trying to do better. You do not have to be a perfect parent, but be perfectly motivated to do your best parenting every day. Parenting is a huge responsibility that does not come with much training, so here are some practical ways to be a better parent, one day and one decision at a time.

1. When you tackle a project, find a way to give your child some role in the task.

From preschool to the teenage years, children love to feel needed, and working together provides opportunity to talk and learn about how things function. My husband worked on cars with his dad since he could barely hold a hammer, and now my son does the same with his dad. Whether you are getting organized, mowing the lawn, creating a scrapbook, doing household chores, or building something on a computer, do it together. Even by simply giving your 4-year-old the socks to sort by color and fold, you are doing something great!

2. Think before you speak.

Automatically you are a better parent if you do this one. Words said in haste or impatience can leave a lasting impression on their hearts, like a footprint in cement. When you are emotional or tempted to react instead of respond, think. In most cases, waiting a few seconds or minutes to speak will only help the situation as tempers settle down on all sides.

3. Ask your children about their day, and listen with interest and support.

4. Find some genuine compliment or praise you can give them. Look for ways to reward kindness and responsibility every day.

5. Change your countenance when you make eye contact- smile!

They see you frustrated, now let them know they help add peace to the family. Knowing your day is brighter just by their presence gives them confidence and improved self-esteem.

6. Encourage talent and find one new thing to introduce to them and help to open up their world. One new skill, idea, location, career, and possibility. Do this often.

7. Next time you try to get your kids’ attention, instead of talking louder and louder, talk softer and softer.

You command more respect and attention with a stern voice than with a harsh yell. If they cannot hear you, get closer and calmly speak again.

8. Say NO, firmly but with compassion.

If you feel guilty, is it because there is no logical reason for your no (then fix this), or is it because you just feel bad for your child who is sad (and you need to go with your gut to protect them). Know you are a better parent and show your love by setting limits.

9. Say YES, and sacrifice when you had not intended to do so.

Do one more thing for your children that is extra special, even though you do not have to, and show them how important their happiness is to you. Then enjoy the reward of their excitement as you watch them smile.

10. Be consistent and transparent.

You know what consequences to expect if you are late to work, you do not pay your bills, or you commit a crime. If you are late to work you will not be thrown in jail for life. Do you ever remember feeling like your teacher or parent was administering too much punishment for the type of wrong deed? Be sure your children know what to expect, what to avoid, and can trust you to be fair and consistent in your discipline. Be sure they know you love them even if you do not love their actions, but that they still learn to take responsibility for their actions. Always be sure they are safe and not in fear of harm from your anger. Start communicating. Stick with a healthy plan, and administer it in love. As you do this, you are already a better parent. Keep it up and keep getting better.

11. Do something for yourself.

Yes, I mean you, the hard working parent who fills up the day with so much you wish you could have nap time yourself. For me, these articles help me express what is on my mind, and give me some time alone in quiet thought. What is your outlet? Take care of yourself and instantly be a better, happier, more refreshed parent.

12. Assume the best, not the worst.

Kids often feel like they are guilty until proven innocent. When they start to tell you something, before you become defensive or over-react, consider if you are only worried about your assumptions, not what they are actually saying. They will sense your distrust, and shy away from openness if it is unwarranted.

13. If trust has been broken in the past, give your child a clear roadmap to earn it back.

Children need to know you will forgive them and that it is possible to restore your confidence in them, or they may develop a “why bother” attitude. Give them a reason to get past their mistakes and turn them into strengthening lessons for a lifetime of successful living.

14. Let them see your strength in weakness- conquer your bad example.

Is there an area in your life that needs improvement? Children are perceptive, and will learn by your example if you fight to give up your bad habits. The best way to show them how to live successful and free is to live this way yourself. Everyone can strive to do better, to be better. Whether you have an addiction, you are just not taking care of your body, you procrastinate, or you need to work on your attitude during stressful times, every step you take to improve yourself will show your children that change is possible and life is full of possibilities.

15. Show up for the important times, and listen to know what these really are (do not just assume).

16. Take one more step today towards living what you believe and instantly be a better parent.

Share your faith and world view not just as something on paper, but by living it. Be who you say you are and lead by example. As a Christian, the best way I can encourage my children to embrace God and my beliefs is to show them how my relationship with God makes my everyday life better. They see how I really live, and learn more from what I do (and do not do) than what I say.

17. Eat one meal together every day as a family, away from the television and phone.

18. Children love routine, so add a new tradition.

I play checkers after school with my elementary school son. He looks forward to our time together, and I love to hear about his day as we play together. Last year I started a silly little saying when I picked up my children from preschool or school. I would get in the car, stop putting on my seatbelt, and turn to them each and say “Oh, look at that face, oh I missed you!” and reach back for a hug. This always got big smiles, and one day I forgot and started the engine and my 4-year-old said with a grin “Mommy, you forgot to look at my face!” You can add a night time routine, such as saying “I love you” or saying a prayer before going to sleep where you thank God for the thrill of your children (letting them hear your gratitude for their lives). Start a new tradition today.

19. Have a family fun time at least once a week.

Cut out something from your schedule if you have to, but find a way to play together. No criticism or work involved, just have a good time hanging together as a family.

20. Next time you wonder why your children react in a certain way, imagine the scenario through their perspective.

What would you want to see different to help lessen anxiety? Often children see adults impatient, angry, or annoyed with them. Trying to figure out why they feel as they do can help you know how to help them. Even if you cannot or will not change the circumstances, you might see how to help them better adapt to their discomfort.

21. Give your child a physical sign of affection every day.

A hug, pat on the back, or even a squeeze on the hand can show you care. Scientists show that physical affection from trusted loved ones helps reduce stress and elevate mood. Infants who are never held will die, and as you grow up you continue to receive comfort from touch.

22. When tempted to argue as adults in front of your child, stop. You just became a better parent.

It is healthy to work out minor differences in front of your kids and let them see how people solve problems, provided you are truly resolving the issues and not tearing each other down, but deeper disagreements need to be managed in private. Children of all ages internalize comments they hear, so talking about how something makes you feel can leave your child feeling responsible and taking on unnecessary stress.

23. Do not argue with your children.

You are the parent. Command respect by telling them you will gladly listen to their side, but there will be no argument.

24. Seek out humor, and laugh at the unexpected!

Are you so stressed out and tired that you almost cried just because you spilled your coke? Break the mood and laugh at how you let yourself get disproportionately frazzled. Your children will laugh too, and learn how to relieve stress. Find funny comic strips, and laugh at jokes your children tell you. Laughter is good for your body inside and out.

25. When your children approach you for attention, give it as soon as possible.

Have a signal you can give that means just a minute, finish up your immediate task as quickly as possible, and then drop everything, look them in the eye, and give them five minutes. Whether they just want to tell you a joke, perform a puppet show, or vent about a problem with some friends, send them the message you are available and approachable, and you value your children. Let them know they are a priority.

26. Try something new and learn it together. Let your child become the teacher or help solve a problem.

27. Vary your activities and your environment. Encourage your children to go outdoors, to play indoors, and to do different things throughout the day.

28. Help your children attend to their own four core components to be happy, and lead by example yourself.

Live in balance, and help your children adjust their schedule if it is too busy or if they need to explore a new activity.

29. Read together every day, especially books about their interests.

30. Every child learns differently so discover your child’s learning style. Encourage a love of learning, encourage dreams and goals, tell your children ”You can do it!” and believe it with them!

Start Over: Rebuild or Just Remodel Yourself

2011-12-17T12:41:00.000-08:00

You need a change. Something is not right, and you feel unsettled. This is not how life is supposed to be. You need to start over. But what exactly does this mean? Some will advise you to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start. Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success. Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder your success. Your life is like a building. Sometimes you need to tear down the entire structure and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary. It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut yourself off from everyone and everything you believe in and care about just because your life is not going in the right direction. Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation you need to fulfill your life purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free. Here are three things to help you start over: help to identify which of the four key parts of life you need to change, help to remove common hinderances to starting over, and encouragements to just do it, whatever this means for you. Create a better you today!

1. Identify exactly how you should start over, and how you should not.

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider. The following will help you determine what extent you may wish to start over in different aspects of your life, with some cautions along the way.

-Mentally-

You may need to start over mentally. This can range from changing how you approach only one aspect of life, to changing your entire mental approach to life. If your thoughts are defeating you, change what you think, but do so carefully. Do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash your brain. Let me explain. In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat.

For example, when you choose to watch television, commercials innundate you with subliminal messages that will often influence your choice at the supermarket, whether you know it or not. You take that risk, however, because the reward of your show is worth a little product branding to you. Likewise, when you hear comments you did not solicit, you can automatically allow them to alter how you think about yourself, or you can make a conscious choice to evaluate whether they are coming from a credible source and to dismiss those unworthy of consideration.

Everyone has a message, and when you accept and internalize information, you are re-structuring a part of how you think. The difference is in whether you make a conscious choice to screen out what you accept as authority and allow to wash you brain, or whether you allow everyone’s opinions to throw you into confusion. As a child, you should be surrounded by positive mental reinforcement as you learn the confidence to distinguish between the constructive encouragment of loved ones and the destructive malicious attacks of others. Unfortunately, children are often exposed to hurtful ourpourings of anger, internalizing these attacks into their sense of self-worth.

As an adult, if you do not re-write these negative beliefs, or if you accept all other opinions as correct, you will find your life needs a change. Deep inside, you are not happy. You need to know your life has purpose, you have great talent waiting to be developed, and you are valuable to the world and to God. You need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in your life. You need to start over. You may just need to re-write your thoughts about your career, and start to dream big dreams. You may only need to change how you view your relationships, and how you handle lonliness. You may need to cut off a destructive relationship, or you may be able to stay close, especially with family, while gaining the confidence to ignore destructive comments. You may also need to change how you see yourself, your worth, and your strengths as a person. You may find, however, that you need to start from scratch, that your mind is filled with negative thoughts. You need to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph. There is a time for everything, and this is your time. Start now.

-Geographically-

You may need to start over geographically. If it is for career reasons, the change may be forced upon you, or it may be an exciting achievement and a goal you finally reached. For others, you may need to move to make a fresh start as part of a new you. Ask yourself these questions. Are you moving because it is the best for your life right now, or are you moving because it is the easiest way to start over? A physical move is never easy. Psychology experts generally suggest you requre about two years to adjust to major changes such as moving to a new state.

While it can be difficult to move, sometimes people think a geographical change is the best solution to get away from problems. If this is the only way to be safe, the only way to keep yourself or your loved ones from harm, then it is the best for your life. If, however, you think you have to leave because the pain is just too strong, be sure there are not more effective ways to get through your pain. Remember, when you face your pain, you can conquer it as you heal, but when you run from your pain, you will usually find it follows you, as it grows in the chase.

I once had the chance to move out of state. At first, I did not go, because I knew it was not the right time. It would have been the easiest way to escape my challenges, but I knew I needed to face what was hurting and to leave not because I was trying to escape the pain, but because God opened the doors to a new part of my life. I faced my fears, and stayed where I was, until the time was right. When I did finally move, it was because my career and my life were headed in that direction. Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it can be exactly what your life needs. If you think this is you, pray about it, talk about it, and then when you are sure, embrace it. Seize the opportunity and make every opportunity count.

-Emotionally-

You may need to start over emotionally. Do you fill up with rage and need help controlling your responses? Are you depressed, in despair, and isolating yourself? Do you find yourself managing stress in mostly healthy ways, but one particular aspect of life seems overwhelming? Are you burdened by grief over something and you cannot find joy in what remains? first step is to identify that you need to start over.

Do you need a drastic change in how you respond, setting yourself free from addictive or other destructive patterns? Do you just need some minor adjustments in how your life flows, to make a conscious decision to fight for the peace you once had in one particular area of life? This emotional area often feeds into your mental area, and vice versa. Are your emotions swinging because of your mental messages? Are you frozen by fear and inhibited by uncertainty? You can start over, in the big and little ways your emotions impact every day. Start today, to get healthy for a new you.

-Spiritually-

You may need to start over spiritually. Parents generally want their children to follow their religious affiliations. As a Christian, I also want my children to learn the Bible and to love God. Some pastors say between 60 and 90% of graduates stop attending church, while a recent UT Austin study suggests what changes is participation, where 62% of Protestants attend church less often after graduating. The point is that many times college is where students first consider what they really believe in life, apart from their parents.

When you think about starting over spiritually, listen to your heart, where your spiritual life begins. I believe God calls to you, so search out when you have questions. My caution, an important one, is to consider why you are making a change. If, for example, you are a Christian dismissing your religion because of the poor example from your parents or after seeing hypocrates, you need to realize they are imperfect people representing a perfect God. No religion has perfect people. Not one. If, however, you are living in a belief system and feeling deep within that God is teaching you to seek out the truth elsewhere, seek wise counsel, listen, and learn. Do not neglect your spiritual life, and have the courage to start over when you feel led.

2. Remove the hinderances to starting over.

Now that you know what areas need a new you, how do you motivate yourself to make practical changes? To start over and remove the hinderances to your success, you need to do three things:

change your sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair. Many people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people and sit in the “poor me” spot. Life is not fair. Sometimes it hits you hard, and you should never have to deal with the pain or troubles you face. But they are there. Face them anyway, and triumph despite your challenges. Change your expectation of fairness, and realize comparing to others only hinders you. Push through your sense of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

challenge your sense of effort

You may not want to do what it will take, you may not think you should have to, but if it is really worth it, do it anyway. Put forth the effort, and re-define what this means. Effort is not the amount of energy that you think something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what. If your diet, exercise, or stop-smoking plan is harder than you think, instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, if it is truly a worthwhile goal, then decide it is worth this effort, the effort that challenges you beyond what you imagined possible, and keep going or start over again: do it anyway. You can do it!

I just applied this to my own life in writing my dissertation. I did it. I finished and passed my dissertation defense! For those who are not familiar with the Ph.D. requirements, after coursework is finished and your dissertation proposal is successfully completed, you advance to candidacy and write “the book”, your original research of 200-300 pages. Then comes the final defense examination where you pass or fail. After you pass, you turn in the final version, and graduate. Yeah! I am so excited, and I thank God for all the ways I found strength I never thought I had to make it. You see, I had to revise my sense of effort.

I expended more than twice as much energy and time than I had planned to complete my dissertation. I always found the failure statistics amazing for PhD candidates– over 50% never finish their dissertation! On this side, I can see how hard it really is. When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, three young children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other candidate. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take, prevent me from expending the effort it did take. I pushed on, doing whatever necessary to complete it. Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates your success!

choose your sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who you allow to influence you. Ignore those who say you can’t, and believe you can. Start over today!

3. Just do it!

For practical ways to take action now, visit some of our other articles such as Raise your self esteem, How to be a better you, 10 virtually instant tips to better yourself, and How to Get to Know Yourself Better: 3 Great Tips, or browse around for other inspirations.

You can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it. Think big, dream wide, and act small. Keep your eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time. No more excuses. If you know what is required for a better you, start over today. Start from where you are, or start from scratch, but wherever you need a change, start over as if you can create who you want to become, because you can. You can do it!

How to Get to Know Yourself Better: 3 Great Tips

2011-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

“He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.”
Lao-tzu

Who are you? What is your daily and weekly life really about?

Those not always easy questions to answer. So today I’d like to share three tips that have helped me to get to know myself a bit better and to see my life more accurately.

1. What part of you do you see in them?

What we see in others is quite often what we see in ourselves. And what irritates us in people may be what we don’t like in ourselves. What you judge in someone you are actually judging in yourself.

Therefore what you notice and what irritates you in others can teach you important things about yourself. Things you may not be aware of. In a way people can be like a mirror for you. A mirror that can help you to learn more about yourself, what you fear and how you may be fooling yourself.

So, what people generally irritate you? What do you often judge or criticize people for?

What can that tell you about you?

2. Do the unusual thing.

When faced with a choice in your daily life, step back for a minute and think. Then take the option that is and feels unusual for you.

If you often back down just don’t for this one time. If you often get into arguments with people then just this one time don’t and instead just let it go or treat the other person with kindness. Do the opposite of what you usually do and see what happens (while using common sense of course). Do something new and something you wouldn’t expect from yourself.

This is a fun and great way to get new experiences and to learn things about the world and about yourself that you wouldn’t if you kept going like you usually do. It’s also a great way to be surprised about life as things often turn out more positively than in your fear filled daydreams if you just take action.

Getting stuck in the same old routine until it becomes a rut can suck the life out of you. Doing the unusual thing in small and big situations, no matter how it goes, is a great way to feel alive again and to reveal aspects of yourself that may have been hidden from you.

3. Journal.

Journaling is a fine way to get a more accurate picture of yourself and your life. A few ways that I have used journaling to get to know myself and my life are:

Journal about how you use your time. Just write down what you do during one day. Or during one week. Write down what you spend your time on and how much time you spend on each thing. You may, as me, be surprised about how much time you waste on procrastinating and pretty pointless busy work. Even if you may have an image of yourself as an effective person.
Journal about what you think. What do you think about during a normal day? Or a week? Write it all down. By doing so you can find recurring patterns of thought such as fears or maybe that you spend a lot of time regretting what happened in the past. Or you may find that you are actually a more positive person than you may think. This is a really interesting exercise because it can help you spot both positive things and negative things about yourself and just how accurate your current image of yourself is. You’ll probably run into some surprises.
Journal about what you eat. I used this to lose weight. If you want to lose weight you have to consume less calories that you use. So how do you know what to eat and how much? You got to monitor it in some way. I used the free and very simple to monitor what I eat during the day. This is essential stuff. Because the three normal and most of the time actually pretty healthy meals I ate in the past consisted of the same amount of calories I used during the day. So little progress was made. To keep things within effective and healthy limits I think it’s important to monitor what you do. But not to get obsessed about these things though. The main point is to keep an eye on what you are actually doing instead of guesstimating a whole lot.

10 virtually instant tips to better yourself

2011-12-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

Many of our problems come from within our own minds. They aren’t caused by events, bad luck, or other people. We cause them through our own poor mental habits. Here are 10 habits you should set aside right away to free yourself from the many problems each one will be causing you.

Stop jumping to conclusions. There are two common ways this habit increases people’s difficulties. First, they assume that they know what is going to happen, so they stop paying attention and act on their assumption instead. Human beings are lousy fortune-tellers. Most of what they assume is wrong. That makes the action wrong too. The second aspect of this habit is playing the mind-reader and assuming you know why people do what they do or what they’re thinking. Wrong again, big time. More relationships are destroyed by this particular kind of stupidity than by any other.

Don’t dramatize. Lots of people inflate small setbacks into life-threatening catastrophes and react accordingly. This habit makes mountains out of molehills and gives people anxieties that either don’t exist or are so insignificant they aren’t worth worrying about anyway. Why do they do it? Who knows? Maybe to make themselves feel and seem more important. Whatever the reason, it’s silly as well as destructive.
Don’t invent rules. A huge proportion of those “oughts” and “shoulds” that you carry around are most likely needless. All that they do for you is make you feel nervous or guilty. What’s the point? When you use these imaginary rules on yourself, you clog your mind with petty restrictions and childish orders. And when you try to impose them on others, you make yourself into a bully, a boring nag, or a self-righteous bigot.
Avoid stereotyping or labeling people or situations. The words you use can trip you up. Negative and critical language produces the same flavor of thinking. Forcing things into pre-set categories hides their real meaning and limits your thinking to no purpose. See what’s there. Don’t label. You’ll be surprised at what you find.
Quit being a perfectionist. Life isn’t all or nothing, black or white. Many times, good enough means exactly what it says. Search for the perfect job and you’ll likely never find it. Meanwhile, all the others will look worse than they are. Try for the perfect relationship and you’ll probably spend your life alone. Perfectionism is a mental sickness that will destroy all your pleasure and send you in search of what can never be attained.
Don’t over-generalize. One or two setbacks are not a sign of permanent failure. The odd triumph doesn’t turn you into a genius. A single event—good or bad—or even two or three don’t always point to a lasting trend. Usually things are just what they are, nothing more.
Don’t take things so personally. Most people, even your friends and colleagues, aren’t talking about you, thinking about you, or concerned with you at all for 99% of the time. The majority of folk in your organization or neighborhood have probably never heard of you and don’t especially want to. The ups and downs of life, the warmth and coldness of others, aren’t personal at all. Pretending that they are will only make you more miserable than is needed.
Don’t assume your emotions are trustworthy. How you feel isn’t always a good indicator of how things are. Just because you feel it, that doesn’t make it true. Sometimes that emotion comes from nothing more profound than being tired, hungry, annoyed, or about to get a head-cold. The future won’t change because you feel bad—nor because you feel great. Feelings may be true, but they aren’t the truth.
Don’t let life get you down. Keep practicing being optimistic. If you expect bad things in your life and work, you’ll always find them. A negative mind-set is like looking at the world through distorting, grimy lenses. You spot every blemish and overlook or discount everything else. It’s amazing what isn’t there until you start to look for it. Of course, if you decide to look for signs of positive things, you’ll find those too.
Don’t hang on to the past. This is my most important suggestion of all: let go and move on. Most of the anger, frustration, misery, and despair in this world come from people clinging to past hurts and problems. The more you turn them over in your mind, the worse you’ll feel and the bigger they’ll look. Don’t try to fight misery. Let go and move on. Do that and you’ve removed just about all its power to hurt you.

How To Raise Your Self-Esteem

2011-12-13T20:04:00.001-08:00

Have you wondered about what self-esteem is and how to get more of it? Do you think your self-esteem is low? Do you know how to tell? Do you know what to do about it?

Self-esteem answers the question, “How do I feel about who I am?” We learn self-esteem in our family of origin; we do not inherit it.

Global self-esteem (about “who we are”) is normally constant. Situational self-esteem (about what we do) fluctuates, depending on circumstances, roles, and events. Situational self-esteem can be high at one moment (e.g., at work) and low the next (e.g., at home).

Low self-esteem is a negative evaluation of oneself. This type of evaluation usually occurs when some circumstance we encounter in our life touches on our sensitivities. We personalize the incident and experience physical, emotional, and cognitive arousal. This is so alarming and confusing that we respond by acting in a self-defeating or self-destructive manner. When that happens, our actions tend to be automatic and impulse-driven; we feel upset or emotionally blocked; our thinking narrows; our self-care deteriorates; we lose our sense of self; we focus on being in control and become self-absorbed.

Global self-esteem is not set in stone. Raising it is possible, but not easy. Global self-esteem grows as we face our fears and learn from our experiences. Some of this work may require the aid of a psychotherapist. In the meantime, here is what you can do:

Get sober. Get help through 12-step groups to stop self-destructive behaviors. Addictions block learning and drag down our mood. Identify them and replace them with self-care.
Practice self-care. Make new lifestyle choices by joining self-help groups and practicing positive health care.
Identify triggers to low self-esteem. We personalize stressful events (e.g., criticism) by inferring a negative meaning about ourselves. A self-defeating action often follows. Each event can, instead, be a chance to learn about ourselves, if we face our fear of doing so and the negative beliefs about ourselves that sustain the negative meanings.
Slow down personalizing. Target personalizing to slow impulsive responses. You can begin to interfere with these automatic overreactions by using relaxation and stress management techniques. These techniques are directed at self-soothing the arousal. This allows us to interrupt the otherwise inevitable automatic reaction and put into play a way to begin to face the unacknowledged fears at the root of low self-esteem.
Stop and take notice. Pay attention to the familiarity of the impulse. Our tendency is to overreact in the same way to the same incident. Awareness of the similarity can be the cue to slow our reactivity.
Acknowledge reaction. Verbalize, “Here I go again (describe action, feeling, thought) . . . ” Actively do something with the awareness rather than passively note it. The result is to slow the impulse and give ourselves a choice about how we want to respond.
Choose response. Hold self-defeating impulses. Act in a self-caring and effective way. By choosing to act in a more functional way, we take a step toward facing our fears.
Accept impulse. Be able to state the benefit (e.g., protection) of overreaction. We won’t be able to do this at first, but as we become more effective, we will begin to appreciate what our self-defeating impulse had been doing for us.
Develop skills. We can provide for our own safety, engender hope, tolerate confusion, and raise self-esteem by learning and using these essential life skills:
- Experience feelings. “Feel” feelings in your body and identify your needs. When we do not respect our feelings, we are left to rely on what others want and believe.
- Optional thinking. End either/or thinking. Think in “shades of gray” and learn to reframe meanings. By giving ourselves options, we open ourselves to new possibilities about how to think about our dilemmas.
- Detachment. End all abuse; say “no” to misrepresentations and assumptions. By maintaining personal boundaries, we discourage abuse by others and assert our separateness.
- Assertion. Voice what you see, feel, and want by making “I” statements. By expressing our thoughts, feelings, and desires in a direct and honest manner, we show that we are in charge of our lives.
- Receptivity. End self-absorption; listen to others’ words and meanings to restate them. In this way, we act with awareness of our contribution to events as well as empathize with the needs of others.

How to be a better you

2011-10-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

I over-heard a person once said “It takes a genius to live a simple life” and I totally agree 100% with that. In this world of “theatrical distraction” and information overload it is too easy to become hooked or should I say overwhelmed, lose focus and be swept away from the things that matter most.

Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn't cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.
Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s coming.
Ease up on the internal life commentary. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.
Stop Judging people. Judging others is half-witted. Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?
Give up on feeling guilty. Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept your screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.
Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.
Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren't working out the way you planned. The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.
Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.
Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.
Nobody's Perfect sooo get over it. Mistakes!! Small or big, its always a lesson to be told when its all said and done. It dont have to be yours either, because you can learn the most watching and learning from others mistakes.