State of Mind Vs Appearance

You’ve probably had this problem before. You’ve read attraction forum theory and know what you should be saying. However, when you actually do approach someone “out of your league” (or so your subconscious mind says) you feel great anxiety. You stutter over your words, your heart rate increases, your voice gets a note higher, and suddenly you’re like Jay Leno without any cue cards!

This alone is proof that approaching woman is all about the internal process, not just “appearances” for appearance’s sake. You must mentally prepare yourself and, more to the point, subconsciously prepare yourself for dialog with the opposite sex.

2 Approaching Mistakes

A lot of guys make one of two mistakes when approaching attractive women. They either approach without any game plan whatsoever, and play the fool, or they put on an “act” of fake confidence or perhaps even aggressive behavior. (And this may or may not work depending on how great of an “actor” you are)

However, the best strategy in an approach is to prepare your state of mind so that you can give a “real presentation” of your bad ass self. Think “method acting” not hammy acting, as in you become the cool, suave guy you already are deep down. You’re not pretending anymore. You are calm. You are in the moment. You are this girl’s best catch ever!

What you need to do now (before you go on) is find a way to release that approach anxiety. First, understand that women can sense fear. Rest assured, beautiful women are hit on all the time and have had their share of shy nice guy approaches. They recognize the signs. Hesitation. Working up the courage. Cutely stumbling over their words. They know your type immediately. So your motivation here is to eliminate all those signs of “nervous nice guy” and instead start focusing on creating attraction.

When To Approach

Approach timing is everything…but it’s not about the “right moment.” It’s NOW. Regardless of how you feel, approach fast, as soon as you see the object of your desire. If you’re halfway across the room, across the street, approach anyway. If it’s an awkward moment, approach anyway (and laugh about it later). Because the longer you wait, the more time you have to freak out, build up anxiety, and show the woman unconsciously that you’re afraid of her. In the end you become paralyze with anxiety.

Projecting Confidence

It’s also very important that you show a confident demeanor, in what you say and in how you look. So think about what confidence looks like. People who are strong, romantic and attractive:

1. Make direct, unwavering eye contact (direct eye contact is the strongest sign of interest)
2. Smile (don’t look like a jerk or a psycho. Have a warm, calm smile like you’re on top of the world)
3. Stand up straight (hunchbacks are not attractive…didn’t you see Hunchback of Notre Dame?)
4. Breathe calmly (So take a deep breath through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth and catch your breath before you speak)
5. Think calm positive thoughts (let go of negative thoughts and nerves…stop rationalizing why you shouldn’t do it!)
6. Imagine in your mind that you’ve already had sex with her…tell your mind and body that you are already in a calm and satisfied state.
7. Talk slower than normal so that you don’t stutter or appear more nervous

Conversation Starter

Now strategize. The best conversation starters are the ones that flow naturally and are about something that is currently happening around the two of you. So take into account where you are and make a joke or an observation about it.

The main point though is the state of mind. Dominate your territory. Be a strong, confident man and stop letting the idea of a beautiful woman terrorize you!

Everyone has a history that makes them take steps to learn how to be better with women, from being curious about the methods, to heart breaks that left them mentally crippled.

During my post break up, I had felt a bit lost and thought that learning the system would be the way out. It was a way forward and I noticed the changes in me, but the progression was slow and along the journey I had that feeling of being stuck, a ‘sticky point ‘ as we call it, where there is a road block on our journey. It wasn’t until I had acknowledged the battle scars left behind from my last relationship, that I realised I was hindering myself from moving forward.

Learning how to attract girls is a great tool to move forward, but this alone will not progress you further without removing the demon within yourself.

Here are the main tips for what I did to improve my game after a break up.

1. Love Yourself

You shouldn’t need anyone to love you to be able to love yourself. In fact you really need to love yourself, before anyone can truly love you.

Truth is, you don’t need anyone or material objects to make you happy. We need to realise that what we have NOW makes us happy. I believe happiness comes from the inside and we often forget that. We spend time blaming other things for our happiness.

Look into your heart and see what you are grateful for or what you may have taken for granted.

2. Love your Ex-Partner

What? I must be crazy in saying this right? But she broke up with me, or cheated on me.

My ex-fiancée ended our relationship, kicked me out from her place and married her ex-boyfriend who is now her husband. Why wouldn’t I hate her for that? Being angry with her is like holding a hot coal in my hand hoping to burn her with it. In the end it’s you with the smelly burnt flesh, which in my case is 2 years of my life wasted being angry with her.

Try practicing forgiveness and thank your ex. Yes, you read it correctly. Thank her for what you had learnt while you were in the relationship. Maybe something that you never realised, because we tend to focus on the bad and not the good.

Write a letter to her to avoid any arguments you may have if you talked to her directly.

3. Learn From the Past, Change for the Future

The past is the past; we can’t change it unless we have access to a time machine. Don’t sit around and drown yourself in self-pity, but take a look at the great times you had with her and what you can learn from it. Ultimately you want to come out from that relationship as a better man by learning from your mistakes and applying that to your future relationship.

This will also make a great story to tell when getting confortable with women. It will display a deeper side of you. A triumph over pain to transform you into a better person and having a positive view in life.

4. Take Charge of Your Life

We may not be in control of the things around us, but we are in control of who we are and what we do. Learning to let go of the past and creating your future is the way to move forward.

How many times have you heard people say something along the line of “I’m trying to find myself” and they are still searching? You should instead create yourself, create your possibility in life and do what you always wanted to do now. Sky diving, knitting - whatever floats your boat. Do it now!

Be responsible for all the promises you had made to yourself, complete it, and feel the power of what little accomplishments can bring into your life.

If you are new to this, you probably tell yourself that you need to read a bit more before taking action. Whatever your excuse; to really understand you must take action, feel the reaction and learn from the rejection.
 
Here are 6 things you can take action on right now.

1. List Your Passion

Many people in this world lack some sort of passion in their life. The world has revolved where time is limited in our daily life where passion is almost forgotten. Passionate people are very attractive, not just with women because they resinate and inspires us.

Make a list of what you like to do, and why. For example “I love sky diving, because it gives me that freedom and peace of mind that nothing else in this world matter, even if it’s for 20 seconds it feels like eternity”.

2. Get In Shape

If you are currently not exercising, then start now. Exercise will not only transform your body into something more attractive, but will also build your confidence and gets you energised.

This one of the attraction qualities that requires hard work and dedication, but something that is within your control to take action now.

Join a gym to get the momentum going, and if you have the money get a trainer for at least the first month to get the flow, motivation and habit going.

3. Get the Right Clothes

Just like exercising, getting a new outfit alone is not going to get you girls but it’s an important part of attraction.

Most guys are oblivious to their fashion sense, that they don’t wear for style but confort. Women are not attracted to a guy wearing the latest fashion, but something that looks good and fits the body and the occasion.

An important factor is to dress for the occasion. If you are going out to a club, don’t wear any sports gear or similar type apparel instead opt for something that more appropriate like leather shoes, a nice pair of fitting slack or jeans.

It should resemble part of your personality and the type of girl you want to attract.

Upgrading your wardrobe doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s not the brand that matters it’s the fit and style.
 

4. Plan Your Future

One of the question that always come up during an interaction is “What do you do for work?”. Understanding where you are going with life is so important in attraction. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants or has a plan for the future. It’s not about having a career that earns you the six figures, but having a plan to move forward to a bigger picture in the future.

A girl will be attracted to a medical student as the potential in the future is he will become a doctor. But if you currently working, the next step is where would you like to see yourself in the future. There is nothing wrong if your a taxi driver, if you have a future plan in progress of owning a fleet or your own business. Be ambitious and plan it, so it doesn’t sound like a dream. Dreams are ideas with no action.

Make a plan of where you are now and where you like to be in 5 or 10 years.
 

5. Eye Contact

Confidence isn’t something that will develop overnight, but there are a few steps that can be taken to get things moving quickly.

Eye contact is the easiest way to gain confidence, and at the same time appear more confident. Every time you meet a stranger look them directly in the eyes.

You will be astonished at how quickly it becomes a habit and the effect it has on people. Beautiful woman will assume that you have something they want, because you are willing to face them directly on.
 

6. Talk to Strangers

From early childhood, our parents told us not to talk to strangers for safety reasons. But that same reason is holding some of us back in being sociable.

Talking to strangers helps build you conversation skills and you may learn something that you may not know. For example: I met an architect while waiting for the tram and he told me being an architect is more than just drawing, it’s about the emotional ride through the process and with this knowledge, I was able to use this in a conversation to display intelligence.

Start off with talking to the store sales person when putting together your new clothes, find out what they love about their work and why?

Talking to random people will also bring you out of your comfort zone.

So, you want to talk to a girl, but afraid of rejection because of lame pick up lines just keeps getting you rejected and want to try a different angle?

Learn the art of opening by starting off with the basic overview.

1. Opening is a Conversation Starter

Everyone has heard the term “Pick Up lines” which is a way to start a conversation with attractive women. The problem with pick up lines is they sound sleazy, cheap and immature. A well crafted alternative to pick up lines is called “Openers”.

An opener is the first thing you say in the interaction. It maybe direct which telegraph you interest or indirect which is the opposite.
These are more affective as they include the women to participate in the conversation.

2. Opening Doesn’t Trigger Her Autopilot Response

Women are constantly being hit on by men with lame lines such as “hi, what’s your name?” or “you are beautiful, can I buy you a drink?”, which has telegraph the guys interest in a needy, desperate way.
 
A beautiful woman would get this around 7 to 10 times a night in a social environment and because she doesn’t have time to get to know everyone, she will put on this defence shield to eliminate the guys who approach her with the same lines. After a while this repetition behavior will become a habit and will trigger an autopilot response every time a guys approaches her.

That is why openers are constructed a bit different to avoid triggering women’s pre program responses by making her think.

3. Opening is The Most Important and Also The Least

Most guys believe this is the most important part of the game and that is partly true, as we do need to approach them to establish communication. So they harp on what they would say to the girl.
 
The important aspect of opening is actually the opening. An attempt must be made to approach and having a normal conversation. You can’t rely on the women to approaching you, unless you’re a super star.

The least important is what you actually say as most women will not remember the context. I’ve asked many girls about what I said to them when I approached them and maybe out of 10, only 1 remembered.

Saying this, the context cannot be what triggers her autopilot response.

4. Opening Successfully is Based On Your Non-Verbal Elements

Contrary to what we believe, it’s not the words you say, but how you act around them that will make your opener a success or failure.

A study showed that 93% of human communication is the tone of your voice and body language. If you open with a soft tone that is hard to hear, it will resemble low confidence; if you hold eye contact then it shows confidence.

5. Opening Should Be Short

The purpose of opening is to start a conversation, but shouldn’t be a long dwindle discussion on it.
As the opener is milked to the maximum, the conversation will run flat, and the outcome is usually the girl walks away.

6. Opening Should Be With a Smile

As mention above how successful openers are based on non-verbal, smiling is a key factor of that non-verbal category. A smile indicates confident, upbeat and inviting.

So, you might have a few beliefs on why you can’t attract women or you may find some of your techniques are not working as expected. Sure, I’ve watched a lot of chick flicks thinking I have it all figured out but here are some myths that you should be aware of to be able to put your excuses to bed.

Myth# 1 The Game doesn’t exist or I don’t want to play

I’ve heard this a few times and you know what type of guys tells me this? “Whiners!”. By that I mean guys who can’t hack life in general. Always think the world should be fair. There are guys out there that think “I want a woman who likes me.. for me”. Fortunately there’s one woman out there for you that likes you just the way you are and you call her “mother”.

Fact: The game is something unavoidable by men and women. You act differently to the women you are attracted to or pretending you’re not interested. Either way you are still playing.

Myth # 2 Women are bitches

“Oh my god, that girl just told me to go away. She is such a bitch”. Rejection hurts, as we think of it as a failure in ourselves, which can damage our self-esteem no doubt.

Fact: Most women are not bitchy, but may sometimes have their bitch shield up to protect themselves from guys talking to them. Why you might ask?

Girls get approached quite a lot, especially in an area that promotes interaction like a bar or clubs. When she rejects a guy it’s not because of the guy himself but the way he had approached her.

Women could also throw a sparkle of bitchiness to test him. All women want a confident guy, a protector and not a guy who will quiver in fear.

But they maybe some women who are bitchy because something in their past made them a sourpuss.

Myth # 3 You’re not good looking
This is the myth of all myths. Looks do play a little part in attraction but looks don’t hold its own merit.

Fact: I’m not going to lie, if you are good looking it will add a few seconds to the initially interaction during the approach but then the it’s about the context in the conversation, the body language, and confident that will win a woman over.

Myth #4 Limited number of available women

Partly true if you are one of those guys who thinks meeting women is only through friends. It’s like saying there is only limited of money that can be made.

Fact: Opportunities exist everywhere, on the way to work, back from work, going to the grocery store. In fact if you don’t want to get out of your house, then just go online. Making this as an excuse doesn’t make sense.

Myth #5 Being interested is interesting

Who really made this up? It sounds like advice giving by a woman. I use to believe this but it only landed me in the friend zone. The logic for this is, if I pretend to listen to her, she would find me comforting and that comfort will grow into love. The truth is that comfort will turn you into her new girlfriend.

Fact: Being interested in everything she does, doesn’t build attraction. Women like men who are challenging. Someone who shows value and not impress by the meaningless things she says. Remember she should be interested in you for her to be attracted to you.

Myth #6 Just Be a Nice Guy

Same as “Being interested is interesting”

Myth #7 Girls know what they want.

She may say “I want someone who is tall, dark and handsome”, yet they go out with someone totally opposite.

Fact: Why? Most girls think they know what they want, but in reality it is what ever triggers their good emotion that attracts them. Learn from Steve Jobs. He said “You can’t just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they’ll want something new.”

Learning from our mistakes is how we learn in life, but sometimes we don’t realize the mistakes we make if we can’t identify them.

Below are the common mistakes that I’ve seen and personally made myself. Being aware of my action and behavior that may mimic any of the mistakes listed was the first key step to improvement with women.

1. Being a Nice Guy: “But I’m a Nice Guy”

I’m naturally a nice guy. I treat girls like ladies, the way they should be treated. I’m always their friend and give them the guy’s perspective on things, offer them relationship advice, comfort them when they are sad.

What girl wouldn’t fall for that? All girls say they want a nice guy. I’ve acted this way all my life and have placed women before myself. My perception was that she was the prize.

A nice guy is typically someone who is on their good behavior, hoping to be liked, cares what other people thinks of him and puts women as a higher value then himself. I learnt that logically women want a guy who they can introduce to their parents, but emotionally they want someone who can spike their emotion by being mysterious, unpredictable, challenging knowing she could lose him at any given moment. She wants someone who she can long for, to swoon and tremble at the knees at the very thought of him, to feel excitement. She won’t get that from her best friend.

2. Seek Approval: “Please Like Me… Please”

Truth be told, this was one that I wasn’t too proud off, even during the interaction. I would say to myself “you idiot” because I felt my self worth disappearing.

I would always agree with her on everything, so I would be liked. I didn’t have an opinion of my own and would hang around her like a puppy dog, fetching what ever she needed. I had believed there weren’t many options in my life and felt desperate.

How did women perceive me? I looked needy, desperate, lack of confidence, and worst.. lack of women in my life, in overall weak which is not very attractive from a women’s point of view.

3. Asking too many questions: “What do you do? Where are you from?”

Nervousness plays a big part in asking too many questions. I had asked questions in hope to hit a commonality to extend our conversation. Truth is no one likes being interrogated especially women. Why would they tell their life story to a stranger or someone they just met or don’t know yet. I came across as boring, unintelligent, nervous and worst, the same as all other guys who did the same.

4. Bragging: “My Ferrari is parked outside”

Ok..I don’t own a Ferrari but sometimes I say things that may seem like I’m are bragging; it maybe on purpose or subconsciously but regardless bragging to anyone is just plain lame.

But when I did it in front of a girl, my value lowered in her eyes because it seems I was trying too hard to impress her, to get her approval.

Bragging big to her like “my Ferrari is parked outside” will give you the same value or worst than saying “My bicycle is chained up by the gate outside”. The late statement will even give you more value due to the humor or honesty.

5. Being Negative: “This music sucks, this place sucks, my life sucks”

Negativity can kill the mood or interaction instantly. She doesn’t want to hang around someone that tells her how tough the world can get. It just only demonstrate that you are not coping well with today’s reality. She doesn’t want a guy who can’t provide for her emotionally or worst drain her from it.

6. Being Boring: “And I name this cat mixxi, and I have a level 45 warlock on world of warcraft” 

One of the killer of the interaction. Makes poking your eye with a pencil 100 time more fun. I bet you, most of us are not boring people, it’s just our communication are not developed properly.

Women want a man that can spike her emotion with humor, interesting stories and a snippet of your life.

7. Not Seeking Help: “I don’t need to, they will like me for me” 

Attraction is just like most things in life, it can be learned and if you are reading this then you are already heading in the right step. Learning this is not about attracting every girl you see, it’s not about lying or changing yourself completely. It’s about transforming your mental state and appreciation about women. It’s about presenting your true self in the best possible way. You wouldn’t go into an interview without preparation, why would you try attract a women without being prepared.

To be good with women, it’s not just about things you say to charm them, but it’s about the whole package that is in front of them, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you view life and yourself.

Women often say they want a man with the complete package, someone who has money with solid abs, but is caring etc. Basically what they are saying is someone who has their act together. But as you know women, they don’t’ say what they really mean. So what makes the package?

What makes the package?

The package consists of 2 components that go hand in hand with each other. It must be balanced for the ultimate lifestyle for yourself and the women that will be attracted to you.

Outer Game: Is the external obstacles in order to attract women. Anything from what you look like, the way you talk or to the way you walk. These techniques can be taught.

Some of the examples to attract women in your outer game are:

• The way you dress: What value are you displaying
• Your body language: Are you open which display confidence and interest
• Eye contact: Are you confident to look at her and challenge her
• Voice tonality: Are you projecting an authority voice

Inner Game: The fuel to get you to your goals. It takes place within the mind and is how you feel about yourself, basically the voice inside your head where obstacles such as assumptions, fear or even self-doubt holds you back. Many guys usually have this problem and mainly this is the one that stops them from succeeding with women.

Some examples are:

• Fear of approaching: Afraid of rejection
• Self-esteem: I’m too ugly; she is out of my league.

How they compliment each other?

 Like anything in life, you need a balance. Sometimes one will help the other, just like developing an outer game will also improve the inner.  But both need to be develop.

Like I mention above about both inner and outer. If you have a map or a path you will go so far before you run out of energy, likewise if you have the fuel to drive you and have not roadmap where will you go?

When I first started out, I didn’t really have either one together, but if I had to pick which I had more of, it was Outer Game. My outer game was, I had a sense of style to a point most girls thought I was gay.

Anyway so I thought the outer game was the solution, but like anything in life, without the inner game developed, you wouldn’t reach your maximum potential. I was only attracting girls who I consider was at my level because the obstacle in my mind was I wasn’t good enough to get someone that above that. It was my illusion.

I’ve seen guys who have good outer game, but when something happen, like a rejection from women; they start to hate the game. You need the inner game to be able to put it behind and move on, not let it discourage you.

Saying that good inner game is essential for life, but without outer game or the tools to get what you want, you be forever figuring out especially in area of the female psychology.

Not Just for Attracting Women

Both inner and outer game mention are not only limited to women but life itself. With this developed you will conquer life itself. Sure the outer game is primarily design to attract women but some of the tips will be useful in other areas.

One part of my life change is in my career. My outer game has taught me to show passion (an attraction quality) for my work and my life and story telling to convey similar work scenarios in interviews. My inner game has helped me to ask for unreasonable request and confidence in my ability to take on any challenges.

Takes Time To Put It Together

Different people have different walks of life, so putting these two components together may take time for some to interlink outer and inner together . It takes patience to build it up and don’t be discourage but enjoy the journey as I guarantee you will see the reward.

Why not the number?

We live in a new world of technology and with caller ID  (most likely invented by an annoyed woman) our calls can now be screened, which gives her the ability to choose to ignore you. Acquiring the number is irrelevant as there are other avenues to contact her. There are however, some exceptions. As an example, you approach a cute girl during the day using your day game methodology. However she might be in a rush to meet some friends or get back to work or even meet up with another potential boyfriend. This is when you get her digits, as there is a time restriction, which prevents you from properly gaming her. If time permits, build report and follow your solid game as this is fundamentally more important than obtaining her number.

But don’t I need to get her number before a date?

This is the biggest misconception guys have in dating. The thinking of most guys is once I have her number; I can stalk and harass her till she says “yes” to a date. This is not the way to make her swoon over your masculinity. It will lead you one step closer to being served with a restraining order. Instead make a date before getting her number.  Think of it like this; the date is the product we seek and the number is the receipt.

Isn’t it the same thing? Why is planning a date more important?

Have you had the experience or know of someone who has,  where the entire night the girl seemed like she was bursting at the seems and wanted to jump you there and then, she’d make googly eyes at you, hang off every word and laugh at every dumb joke that came out of your suave, charming mouth. Then success!! You get the number. You think you’ve made it until you try and call and she ignores you and you get a call from her uncle bubba telling you to stop stalking…

Here is the thing. I’ve heard a lot of guys ( I was one of them) had a great conversation with the girl and end it with ..

“hey we should catch up sometime, what is your number?”

and when you end up calling her, it’s like.

“Hi how are you? Good? What have you been up to?… ”

As you can see this progression has no momentum.

Setting up a date prior on the other hand will first let you know if she is interested in you. But remember the date is the product so create the product that she wants. The number is just contact information, nothing more. So calling or texting her as a follow up to your date would give a continuous flow.

For example

“Hey, I just found out, the club we are going to on Friday is having a boot scooting night… wear your cow girl hat you were telling me you look hot in”

Setting up a date is easier then what you would think. It’s a matter of either having a planned destination or one that comes up during the conversation.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Now it is a very common line in bars/clubs and somehow it has been hard wired into our brain to think that it is courtship 101.

Then Why Do It?

Three words “Men Are Whipped!” If you believe in the bible, Adam was already whipped when God created him. He didn’t honour the “bro before hoes” code by choosing Eve when he took a bite from the forbidden apple. But if you are an atheist, the courting dance has dramatically changed in the past from the cave men days when they realised giving women fish was better than hitting them over the head with a club.

The key point in giving is “acceptance”. If we offer and she accepts then we feel accepted. If we are accepted then our chances of getting her is possible. This also applies to when women ask, “Can you buy me a drink?” immediately we would take that as an acceptance that “she wants to know me”.

What Is Going Through Her Head?

While we see it as acceptance, women’s views differ. Men view “Can you buy me a drink?” as acceptance, women view it as a test “Is this guy like all the others or will he be challenging?”

Women love a challenging guy; therefore offering when you’re both strangers seems like a guy who is buying her attention, now that is not a trait of a challenging guy. Also you give her control of the social situation.

What Should We Do?

Don’t just say “No” (unless you are not attracted to her) but play with it. Be confident and don’t hesitate to reply.

Add some humour
Her: “Buy me a drink?”
You: “Whoaaaaaa!! I’m a gentlemen and don’t want to take advantage of you when you are all liquored up”

Add some control
Her: “Can you buy me a drink?”
You: “I’m sorry princess, what makes you worthy of a free drink? Tell me 3 things that I may like about you and it can’t be physical and I’ll think about it?”

But if you want to approach her, asking her a female opinion will be the best way to tackle this. Say something like “Hey I need a female opinion on something. Do these skinny jeans look gay?”

Be Careful…

Don’t take this as a golden rule to never buy drinks for women, but don’t use it as a pick up line or to buy some conversation time. When she has earned it is when it could be bought, but be confident. Don’t say “Can I buy you a drink?” but instead “I’m going to the bar to get a drink, join me”.

Doesn’t it often seem like some people are born natural storytellers, while others could have the most dramatic events happen to them and you’d be yawning 30 seconds after they started talking about it? Maybe we have a friend who can tell the story of going down to get his mail and make it sound exciting, but find ourselves trapped by the water-cooler at work listening to the secretary drone on about her vacation to the Andies when we couldn’t care less?

There is a key to great storytelling. Some people have uncovered it naturally, and use it without thinking about it. Others never figure it out, and don’t understand why some of their stories flow, keeping their audiences rapt, while others sag along pointless. That key is so powerful it’s been used in stories from the dawn of time to the modern day: you’ll see it in everything from the plays of Aeschylus to the films of James Cameron.

And once you understand it, you’ll be able to apply it to your own stories.

That key is a simple phrase, which some would call the definition of a story. This phrase has three parts, each equally important, which we’ll break down one at a time. The key phrase, which will unlock your latent storytelling power, is this:

Somebody Wants Something and is Having Difficulty Getting It.

Stop and think for a moment about some of your favorite stories, and see how this key applies to them. In “Star Wars,” Luke wants to rescue Princess Leia, but that task is difficult because of Darth Vader, Tie Fighters, and all those Storm Troopers. In “The Odyssey” Odysseus wants to get home, but he angered the gods and they’ve decided to punish him. Watch an episode of your favorite television show, and chances are very good that the lead spends most of the episode wanting something, but having a hard time getting it.

Let’s break it down a little more:

Somebody

Most of the time, when you’re telling a story, this is you – but it doesn’t have to be. Remember, however, to imbue yourself with some interesting qualities. Notice how often in stories the lead character is, in some way, an archetype. Luke is a naive farmboy. Indiana Jones is resourceful and courageous. When you’re telling a story, it’s a good idea to identify the hero of your story with some quick shorthand.

And it’s even better if that shorthand ties into the fundamental nature of the story. For example, if you’re telling a story about the night you lost your virginity, you might emphasize your naivitee about sex early on, to set the stage.

Wants Something

The hero of your story must want something, and the audience needs to know what that hero wants. In Indiana Jones, for example, we don’t spend the whole film wondering what Indy is trying to find in the desert. The film tells us, multiple times. They even show us a drawing of it.

So, similarly, in your story, you want to be very clear what the hero (that’s usually you!) wants. And they have to want it enough to go after it. After all, “Star Wars” isn’t the story of a kid who never leaves home, is it?

And Is Having Difficulty Getting It

And here’s the final crux. The hero’s want has to be something that he can attain, but which isn’t easy to attain. For example, if you’re telling a story about you trying to sleep with Megan Fox, your audience won’t care one whit – because she lives in Hollywood and you don’t. You have no access to her. There’s almost nothing you can do to even get in a room with her.

So there’s no story there. If, instead, you were telling a story about trying to sleep with her the one night when she happened to be in your town, and you struck up a conversation with her … all of a sudden there might be a story. The goal is obtainable, but not easy.

When Want Meets Obstacle

When a want meets and obstacle in a story, something happens in the minds of the audience. This something is called “dramatic tension” and it is the battle between hope and fear.

The key is that the more specific the hope and fear, the more vivid the engagement. Compare two stories: you’re trying to hook up with a random girl you met in a bar, OR you’re trying to hook up with Megan Fox. Clearly, the latter is more compelling, because I have a much more specific image of Megan Fox in my mind.

So always strive to make the hopes and fears in the hearts of your audience as specific as possible. Give them details so they can visualize it. Up the stakes so that the thing they fear is specific as possible. It’s not just that if you fail you won’t get to sleep with Megan Fox … it’s that her bodyguard will beat you up. Or you’ll be publicly humiliated. Or … well, it depends on your story. But make it SPECIFIC.

Putting it Together

This has been a lot of heavy theory, but the impact on your actual storytelling is pretty simple: always focus on wants and obstacles, and make them as specific as possible. Don’t waste a lot of time on things that aren’t related to the wants or obstacles – that’s when your audience is yawning.

Give Information to Get Engagement

A lot of beginning storytellers try to keep their audience interested by withholding information, but the result is that the audience is confused. They don’t have enough information to engage with the story.

The only information you should purposely withhold is the conclusion of your story – how it ends. (The simple truth is that, as you become a better storyteller, you’ll learn that you don’t even need to withhold that.) Everything else related to who the hero is, what he wants, and what’s in the way … share that with the audience. You want your audience to identify with your hero (that’s you!) so give them all the information that the hero had, so long as it relates to wants and obstacles.

String it Out

Compare the following two sentences:

“I ducked his punch and run,” and “He swung a right hook … I ducked it, and got out of there.”

Pretty much the same information in each one, right. Sure, a few more details, but they should be pretty much interchangeable, right?

Wrong.

The second one is much better, from a storytelling perspective. Why? Come back to our theory about wants and obstacles. “He swung a right hook …” immediately gives the audience hope and fear. “I hope he gets out of the way.” and “I’m afraid he’s going to get smashed in the face.”

I call this technique “Stringing it out.” Give the audience a setup (him swinging a punch) and only once they’ve had a moment to react to the setup, give the follow-through.

Slow Down

When you first start telling stories, they’re not always going to flow. It takes practice, and you’ll get better as you go on. But one thing that will happen is that you’ll notice your audience getting bored, sometimes. You haven’t hooked them. They don’t really care about the story.

Usually this means you haven’t clearly identified your hero, or made it clear why what he wants matters. But you can often reel your audience back in if you remember this key rule: when you feel your audience slipping away, slow down.

When a storyteller speeds up, it implies weakness. It says that you’re not sure if your story is worth the time it takes to tell it. Furthermore, it’s harder for your audience to catch all the key details, so they have to work harder to follow you.  Chances are, they’ll miss more of the story, and thus become even less and less engaged.

Instead, when you slow down, you subliminally tell your audience that this story is worth paying attention to. You sound like you’re in command and control.

This can be taken to extremes that seem absurd. For example, Mystery has a habit of inserting long pauses into his stories, right before key words. For example, he’ll say something like, “So I open the suitcase, and inside is this giant pile of … sex toys.”

I strongly recommend experimenting with this technique until you’re comfortable with it. If you pause at the beginning of a sentence, you can sound like you don’t know what you’re doing to say, but if you pause right before a key word, you create and incredible amount of drama. You’ll often notice people stepping closer to you in that gap.

“I was about to kiss her and she puts up her hand and says … “

Don’t you want to know what the next word in that sentence is?

Conclusion

Being a great storyteller doesn’t always happen naturally. Like everything else, it requires study and practice. Start applying these principles to your storytelling today! Expect it to feel a little unnatural for a while, but keep at it and it’ll be effortless before you know it!