Today it hurts.

Sometimes, when I feel like nobody understands me, it helps to think of you! Nobody understands you either. ~ Unknown quotes

This quote reminded me today of one of my pet peeves… people who moan that nobody understands them… nobody understands anyone, we are all individuals with our own emotions and experiences. The best we can do is empathize and apply our own emotions and experiences to attempt to understand another, but that is limited. Better that we accept people for who they are rather than try and pretend we understand.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. “Matthew 18:15-17

My question to myself this morning, which is changing what I have always thought… Do we take that to mean how WE would treat pagans and tax collectors or how JESUS treated pagans and tax collectors. (Zacchaus anyone?). So does this scripture really mean we should treat people “in sin” as if they are trash and shun them… or treat them as we would unbelievers who need to be shown the love of Jesus (which is how I hope we would treat tax collectors and pagans)? Which should it be? 1. How much love is it going to take to see this person reconciled with Jesus? Or 2. How much punishment can we inflict by removing our love until they break and come crawling back on their bloody hands and knees?

There is scriptural basis for showing someone their error.

Jude 1:23… save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

Galatians 6:1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.

Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

Matthew 18:15-17 If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

I know people who take this verse to heart and no matter if the person is repentant or not, they will not speak to them again.    If we stop speaking to someone, how do we know they are repentant?  I’ve seen people driven from the church and never, ever allowed back in.   But what does it mean to treat them as a pagan or tax collector?

How DO we treat pagans and tax collectors?  I would hope we try and win them over for Jesus, right?  But when we are dealing with someone who was a part of our church who sinned, do we shun them and pretend they never existed?  Or do we treat them like someone who doesn’t really know the Lord and needs to be shown the love of Jesus to be drawn back?

I also wonder if Jesus meant the way HE treated pagans and tax collectors, which was to stay at their house (Zacchaeus anyone?).

This same chapter later talks about forgiveness.

Matthew 18:21-22   Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

I believe we should be aware of what our intent is when we do confront someone.   Is our goal restoration and reconciliation?  Are we actually correct in what we are telling them (I’ve been “corrected” by church people for things like typing my journal rather than hand-writing, so there are plenty of things we really could keep to ourselves) or is it just our opinion?

At no time does it give us the excuse to stop being loving. “Discernment without love can be the cruelest of gifts.” (I can’t remember who said it) I’ve seen that to be true more often than I would like.

These are just my thoughts for the morning (not aimed at anyone, simply what I’ve been mulling over). I would hope I never put something out there that I am not learning and applying (or at least trying) to my own life first.

Hebrews 5:14.  ”Solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.”

I’m struck by the similarity of the word meanings for discernment and judgement.  I believe in religious circles we often use the word judgement to mean a negative way of looking at someone (criticizing them), and the word discernment for a positive ability of accurately deciding whether something is good or evil.

The online dictionary defines Discernment…

dis·cern·ment  (d-sûrnmnt, -zûrn-)

Let me no longer measure the success of my life by monetary or ownership standards, or by how “mature” I feel I have become.  Not even by how many friends or followers I have accrued, or how much I am respected by my peers.

Rather, let me measure my success by how much I have learned to love.  ~HW

“There is someone that I love even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is……me.” ~C.S. Lewis

But in the midst of all of the struggle there began to be a glimmer of something I couldn’t quite grasp.  Something changing me around the edges.

Grace.

Mercy.

Something I thought I understood.  We have all heard a hundred sermons (or more) with those words in it.

I thought I got it…until I saw the opposite of it being poured out upon a friend of mine.    She messed up.  They reacted.  It hasn’t been pretty.  Her parents call it “tough love” while they take everything away from her they can possibly take (you would be horrified to find out the details) and refuse to be any part of her life.    Her friends and family members have called it “speaking the truth in love” while they castigate her and then shun her, refusing her their acceptance and love until her behavior returns to an acceptable level so that they can once again be around her without it appearing they are complicit. Her church calls it “church discipline” while they refuse to speak to her in restaurants, and talk about her as if she is a pariah and agree to “pray for her.”  It is horrid, and cruel… and wrong of them.  It is reminiscent of cults.  Full of legalism, bondage, and self-righteousness and behavior management… and it is so very, very, sad.   And it is why we don’t attend a church regularly… this was the same church that treated us so badly in the past.

Have you ever learned about something because you have seen or experienced the opposite?  My heart broke for her as she sat on my couch and sobbed as she expressed her deep pain.  And I began to ask God, “How is it possible that this is being done in your name?”

It was obvious that this wasn’t right.  And I was angry.  Very angry.  It was a righteous anger, but it evolved into pure judgement towards the judgmental…   And suddenly, everywhere I turned I was hearing something about Grace.  About second-chances.  About Forgiveness and Mercy.  I nodded my head and thought that “Those People” should really hear some of this too!  And I have known this family my entire life, so I knew their sin was just as bad, and just as stinky… but well covered up.

Then God slowly began to reform my idea of Grace and Mercy.

And I discovered something.  Grace doesn’t just include my friend.  That much was easy.    See…. we know Jesus took the punishment for her sins… the sins of a broken and wounded person who messed up big time and knows it.  But here is the kicker…. He took the punishment for their sins also.  For the self-righteous egomaniacs, who believe tormenting people in the name of Christ is the right thing to do.  He was beaten, reviled, and tortured… then died… for them.  Is that punishment enough?  Or do I think they deserve more?  Do I think God didn’t do a good enough job at Calvary and I have to judge and find ways to punish them that I find more fitting?  I find it easy to let my friend off the hook… she has been punished over and over and over by supposed Christians… but it isn’t so easy to forgive and refrain from judging those who are continuing to judge her and treat her so poorly.  Granted… it isn’t me going through it, which obviously makes it easier for me than her.

I have moved from a place of extreme disgust (don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like what they are doing) and judgement, to a place of genuine concern for their salvation.   It becomes increasingly clear to me that they don’t understand Grace and Mercy at all.  Rather than be angry with them, I think I need to pray for them and feel sorry for the bondage they are wrapped up in.

Now… can I apply this to my own life?  To the people who have hurt me?  To the people whom I want to “fix” like they want to fix her?  To my family? My children? My spouse?  I have always wanted to… I just didn’t understand it enough.  Maybe this is a new beginning.

I want to understand Grace and Mercy.  I want to be closer to Jesus…. and more like him.  I want to be the person He has designed me to be.  I want to receive Grace and Mercy as well as give it.

I want to walk in the Grace that is spoken of in Ephesians 2.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

I want to truly be able to offer Mercy to others.  James 2:12-13 talks about it.

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom,  because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

It is easy to see they are not being merciful.  Maybe not so easy to see that I’m not either if I am judging them for that.  I’m sure I will still get angry when I see injustice.. and I don’t think that is wrong.  It is wrong, however, to be bitter and unforgiving towards people who are so blinded and bound.   It’s the old “be angry and sin not” thing.

I think maybe it is something I can only do by the Grace of God working in my own life.   And through this, perhaps I can finally put away some of the things that have kept me back.  It is definitely a Game-Changer!

Ephesians 4: 29-32

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

We were invited by the mom of a friend of my son (he is 13). He had his friend come and stay overnight on Saturday, and so we took him to his church on Sunday and my son and I stayed for the Sunday School and service.

I have to be honest…. I’m skeptical. With good reason I know. Those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning know we don’t have a good track record with churches.

BUT… my son (who hasn’t been to church in 4 years) loved the youth pastor/sunday school teacher. He wasn’t so thrilled with sitting in the service (and to honest, it was the same for me).

They said all of the right things. Relationship, authenticity, grace, love…. we will go back with the family and give it another try to see. It is a small church.

Maybe the season of decompression is finally coming to a close? Or maybe it is just a false alarm, and we will be quickly realizing why we haven’t been to church in years.

One thing that worries me… I’m realizing I have some bitterness. One of the people who attends this church was the principal of the Christian School that nearly destroyed my son 4 years ago. He was bullied, and not believed. He was punished when he stood up for himself. We saw our sweet and lovable little boy regress and fall apart throughout that year. It has taken YEARS to put the pieces back together and for our boy to begin to be himself again after that travesty. It is one of the reasons I have very little trust in Christians when it comes to my children.

I hate the fact I’m carrying around unforgiveness (I hadn’t thought of this guy for a long time). Hearing his name… didn’t see him, but heard he attends… made a lot of it come back up, and I have so much more anger about someone hurting my child than I would if it were me.

Of course, these days I’m MUCH more outspoken than I was back then. So I just might get the chance to tell him how his actions affected our child and our family. Or, after getting to know him more, I might be able to just let it go. Hopefully whatever I do will be the right thing for everyone, and not something that will cause more hurt or damage. Sigh.

HW

I have to say, it still gives me a stomach ache to walk in. I feel like a PTSD survivor, ready to curl into the fetal position on the floor. I wait for the bomb to drop, and I can’t wait to get out of there.

I can see after this that unless something were to drastically change (or God does some miraculous healing) that we couldn’t go there again. Even though the pastor who inflicted the abuse on us is gone, and his wife (ex-wife now I guess) is not a regular attendee, that the fear (I don’t know if that is the correct word for what we are feeling) remains. I don’t know how to work through that or get rid of it.

In the meantime, we are considering visiting other churches in the area to find something for our family. I would like us to attend church as a family again, and especially for my children to have a SAFE environment to grow and learn in.

For the New Year I suppose that is my thought. So I am praying for us to find the right fit for us in a church. However, I don’t feel optimistic about things.

As the saying goes, “Even if we find the perfect church we would probably ruin it.” I think when we carry hurts, doubts and fears into a new situation we taint it immediately. We wait on the edge of our seat for the new pastor to say something we can object to, or to show us that he is untrustworthy. It can take years to have trust again, and yet… people are people, and they will let you down. If you are still carrying wounds from the past, that let-down will be blown all out of proportion as it brings up old junk that is still there.

I really don’t want to walk into a new church with all of the doubts, fears, and criticisms that come out of being spiritually abused. I don’t know if I am ready to try again or not, but the guilt from not having our children in church is getting worse.

Jesus help us.
HW

They tested me for all kinds of diseases. MS, Tumors, Lupus, even Lyme’s. Nothing was found except some mild sleep apnea. The neurologist finally decided it was a case of Guillian Barre but that I had recovered (?) enough that they couldn’t diagnose it with testing, and sent me home. I even visited Cleveland Clinic in an effort to find out what in the world was wrong with me. I thought it was very possible I was dying. Still, nothing was found. I thought for a short while I was better when I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance and I had an upswing with treatment, but it wasn’t enough to give me back my life…. and new symptoms began to emerge. Arthritis in my knees, and my jaw was getting so painful and stiff I could barely use it.

Then, in my own research, I started looking into Lyme’s disease as a possibility. It can mimic many diseases. So I visited a doctor about 3 hours away from me that treats many Lyme’s patients. After several tests (which are notoriously unreliable) I am still testing negative. But….

He treated me anyway. Apparently when you have long term Lyme’s Disease and you’ve been ill for years, the tests can all be negative. Especially when it has become late stage and neurological. I’ve heard of Lyme’s disease, but since I had tested negative, it took me a long while before I began visiting a specialist to investigate. It is possible that it has always been Lyme’s, even since I started having fibromyalgia as a teenager. The past 5 years have been hell, but the past 25 have been filled with pain and fatigue as well, just not as bad. I don’t think I will ever really be able to sort it all out. I’m having elevated RA levels as well, so some of the damage could be permanent. It also means that this could be RA as a diagnosis, but if it is, I’m still responding to treatment.

I am not 100% yet…. maybe 60%? But I am doing better! I have had NO life the past 5 years, out of necessity, but I am beginning to be able to do some things again. I am discovering that I will have to start over getting a life again since most people have disappeared, but that is better than being dead, right? And I’m not quite ready to add a lot of outside activities yet. I have been able to have my sister and her family once without wanting to cry because I was so tired I wanted to lay down, not being able to concentrate on what was being said, not being able to say the things I wanted to or organize my thoughts enough to hold a conversation, and worst of all coming across as unwelcoming or not wanting them there.

I nearly cried a few nights ago when I read something out loud to my husband without misreading words, stumbling over my words, and having to mumble because it was too much effort to use my voice and too painful to open my mouth. That is something I haven’t been able to do for a long time (and I’m an avid reader who could read aloud with no effort before). It sounds like such a little thing, but it was so HUGE for me.

I’ve been on one antibiotic for 4 months now. A second was just added last week. I cannot exercise yet, but I can drive my kids to their appointments and practices. I can research the Autism that two of them were just diagnosed with. I can go to the meetings, and while I still struggle with the face to face communication, I don’t sound like as much of a bumbling idiot now. I can drive to the specialist which at first seemed like it would be impossible to go so far every month without badly regressing. Yesterday I spent the day on the couch because I was feeling very tired, and today will probably need to be similar since I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open, but it will take time to build some strength back up. I still need well over the normal amount of sleep to function well. I still get confused a lot, and have to stop and try and think about what I was doing, what I want to do, etc. But I will take ANY progress as hope that life will improve and my family can have me back. The internal medicine specialist talks to me about “when you are cured” which is something I had really lost hope would never happen.

I’m hopeful this is the answer for me, since there have been no answers for so long. I hesitate even writing this, because I fear this is a temporary rally that is just lasting longer than those in the past… but the glimmer of hope is there.

Love and hope!
HW

~ Unknow author

I have spent the past weeks pouring over information.  Reading books, surfing the web, calling the schools, becoming increasingly frustrated at how difficult it is to find services, support groups, medical and dental practitioners who are Autism friendly….

I’ve had some big “AHA” moments, finally understanding why we have seen our children struggle so much in certain areas such as social interaction and sensory overload.    Their struggles make so much more sense now.  I find it frustrating that my 12-year-old wasn’t diagnosed sooner, but those teachers who never said a word are now telling me, “I knew it!”  If they only knew how angry it makes me that they saw something and never mentioned it.  If they only knew how important early intervention is and how much progress we could have made in the last several years rather than worrying, wondering, and hoping our son would be able to find some friends, act like his peers, and “grow out of” his depression and anxiety issues.

But I’m very glad as he begins life at middle school this year he will eventually receive some help.  Yes, eventually.  Despite our diagnosis, the school district has 60 days to complete an evaluation of him to determine the areas he needs help in.  ASK ME!  ASK the neurologist who diagnosed him, and start helping him already!  Geesh!  But we will wait as patiently as possible while the school conducts their own study of our child while he (unnecessarily) continues to struggle and we will wonder what they will eventually decide and hopefully there will be a staff member who knows how to best help him (unfortunately not with the transition to middle school, they will be too late for that in spite of my repeated requests over the summer).

At least my 7-year-old will have the earlier services that she needs, after the 60 day evaluation.  Oh, wait… the school district budget tanked this year.  They have taken away the Autism Support Teacher that used to be assigned to our school.  So instead they will be assigning her to a Learning Support Teacher.  I have nothing against Learning Support Teachers.  I was one (before kids).  They are wonderful people who do amazing things to help children with learning difficulties!   But my girl has no learning difficulties.  She has social/emotional/anxiety difficulties.  She has sensory issues.  She has Auditory Processing problems.  The Learning Support teacher has a lot of children with Learning Disabilities to instruct… how exactly is she supposed to talk my child down from a melt-down?  Prepare a visual schedule, and let her know of changes for the day so her anxiety doesn’t rise due to an unexpected change in the day?  Sit down and work on social skills and discuss and instruct her when she has difficulties with a friend?  How will she drop everything and head to the classroom where my daughter is overloaded, stressed, and crying or even screaming because she can no longer handle what is happening?

I’m hoping none of the above will happen.  And if it does, I’m hopeful her teacher will be well able to handle it.  But the teacher shouldn’t have to.  There should be a well-trained educator in the building who knows exactly what to do.  There needs to be someone providing a “safe place” for children who have Autism and are overwhelmed.  A place where they can have quiet and calm down and then learn from the situation because someone understands what they need, and provides it.

Am I asking too much?  Well… for years there has been a teacher who could provide this support to Autistic children who are mainstreamed (educated in the regular classroom with support where they need it).    I want that for my child also.  I want her to have full access to that free and appropriate public education (you know… the one we pay for with our taxes?) that her autism gets in the way of.   And they are legally obligated to provide that, but even though they are “legally” providing it with a Learning Support teacher acting as Autism Support, I don’t see how it will work in “reality.”

So now that the district has less money and ended up in financial trouble, we get less help.  Sports continue on as usual.  The gifted program still has teachers and they bus my older girl once a week for a day with the smart kids.  The office is fully staffed.  The administration will still receive their paychecks and still have their secretaries.  But over 30 teachers, some of them special education teachers, have lost their jobs because our school district decided that our children’s education takes second place to other activities and luxuries.  They have made many (probably much-needed) cuts in supplies, computer software changes, busing, but none so horrid and ridiculous as our teachers.

I guess I’m silly for thinking providing a quality education to our children should come before other “extra” things that we can offer.

Stepping off of my soap-box for today.

HW

Praise God he is good and just and merciful.