Honestly, it has been so good for us to live the hermit’s life the past few years.  Well, almost.  We see my mom, and one of my sisters rather regularly.  In fact, my sister and her 4 kids have stayed with us on and off the past few years.  That means 3 adults and 8 kids in the house.  If the kids only realized we were outnumbered, and they could take us, we’d be in trouble!  haha

But living a quieter life, and being away from a church setting has really been good in deconstructing the things that were so hammered into us.  We’ve learned so much.

I don’t know if we will go back to a church setting or not.  I do miss worship… I do miss a church family.  I don’t at all miss the expectations and the pressure to be someone I’m not.  So we’ll see. I guess it will depend on what we are looking for when we do go back.  Can I keep from getting caught up in the rules and religion rather than Jesus?  I don’t know yet. Or better yet, is there a place where we can be ourselves?

Some days I feel such self-condemnation.  Other days, when the fatigue and pain are weighing on me, I think how nice it is that nobody is expecting us to be anywhere for this program, or that pot-luck.  It is honestly hard enough to keep up with my kids and their schedules without adding my own.

Anyway, just dropping a line to say hi and start catching up with everyone again.

We are planning a trip to Florida in December.  I can’t wait to visit with family, and hopefully get a day in at Disney with the kids.

Love,

Heidi

I’ve been trying to catch up a little from my long absence… but y’all talk (write) a lot! So I’m finding my self deleting a lot just to get to the point I can read current posts.

Anyway… working on it.

Today I’m hurting all over from this damn fibromyalgia, so I’m laying low. Hope you are all doing great.

I’ve been so sick the past few weeks.    It figures.  The kids are all in school, and brought me home something nasty.  I don’t think I’ve been this sick in years!  I think it was a case of the flu.  I hope it wasn’t the swine flu, since my kids are convinced you get that from kissing a pig!

But I’m on the mend now, which is great cuz I’m getting really tired of the view from my couch!

Good morning to all my friends in blog-land.    Ok, It isn’t really morning anymore, but I just got home from pediatrician/errands/grocery shopping.

My little girls started Kindergarten this year.    When did they grow up?  They will be 6 in November, and it is amazing how fast the time has gone by!  Wasn’t it just yesterday they were in the preemie isolettes?  I’ll have to dig up some pictures so they can see how tiny they were.

I’m alone during the day for the first time in over 10 years!!!!!!!

(Well… almost alone.  My husband works from home, but he sequesters  himself in his office most of the day.)

I’ve been gone for awhile, I know… it has been a tough road this past year. I think I’m on my way back up, but we’ll see.

I saw this video today on a friend’s facebook page, and thought of sharing with y’all.

This is something I remind myself of a lot… I hope that one day it can become an automatic thing, rather than something I have to stop and think about!

I’m heading out for a spur-of-the-moment vacation with my mom and kids. We are heading to NC to see my sister. Of course, I’ll be on-line there.

Hope you all have a great weekend too!

It is amazing how long-lasting and far-reaching the effects of spiritual abuse can be. It generally isn’t something that just happens, and you get over it in a day. It is generally more pervasive and deceptive than that. You get caught up in an unhealthy system, and endure years of abuse, which when exposed take a long time to “un-learn” and heal from.

Today I ran into an old friend from the CLB we left after recognizing the abusive patterns of behavior the institution, and particularly the Sr. Pastor and his wife exhibited.

She (unfortunately) was asking me about why we had left, and then shared what she had been told by the pastor and his wife.

It is like being stabbed all over again to hear the lies (huge lies) that were told about us. We had very little contact with anyone from the church after we left… now I know why.

The ache deep inside was broken open and added to today, and I must walk through the process of healing and forgiveness once again.

The pastor is no longer there, but the lies echo on.

More later….

Celebrate Independence. In our country, and in our lives. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

I miss you. It was a year ago you were so sick, and we gathered around your bed to give you the presents we had for you. You mentioned “next year,” as if you would still be here, but a few weeks later you were gone.

I miss you, Daddy. So much has happened this year I want to share with you. The kids are getting bigger, and your little girls are starting Kindergarten next year! They miss you too. Really badly.  The littlest one took a long time to realize what your death meant, and now she is afraid to let anyone out of her sight because they might not come back.  She was very worried about you because you left your cane behind.

Your grandson is going into 5th grade, and he is turning into such a great kid.  He wants a job so he can start earning his own money.  Your oldest grand-daughter is going to be in 4th grade, and she is all about makeup, boys, and Hannah Montana… and she is becoming a huge help around the house.

Daddy, I know you are in heaven, having a blast! But I’m feeling selfish today, and I really wish that you were here with us.

I miss you, Daddy… and I love you!  Have a great father’s day with your Heavenly Father.
Love,
me

I’ve had pain since I was 16.  Physical pain.   Diagnosed when I was around 26 with Fibromyalgia.  It is a frustrating disease, since the treatment options are limited.   The doctors tell you that you have it, but then they have no idea how to help.

So I’m used to pain.  My neck and right shoulder are almost constantly hurting.  Such is my life, and while I don’t like it, I’ve adjusted to it.

3 years ago I began to struggle with horrendous fatigue, the likes I’ve never experienced except when caused by the occasional all-nighter.  I’ve gone to many doctors, they all just tell me it is the fibromyalgia or depression.  I’ve been diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, B12 deficiency, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and treatment all of these things still have not erased the fatigue.  I also knew I had a D deficiency, and likewise, the dosage I was giving didn’t seem to  help so I blew it off.  It was an offhand comment by the doctor anyway as I was leaving… oh, you are D deficient, take some D.

This past year has been debilitating.  I haven’t been able to do much of anything.  I have to save up my energy for activities, then it takes 3 days or more before I can function again.  It is very frustrating.  I’ve gained a ton of weight because I seriously am unable to do anything physical without being knocked on my butt for 3 or 4 days.  I hardly eat, but I still gain.  Go figure.

Everyone has the answer.  Have you been there?  You need to exercise… you need to take this vitamin… you need to take that treatment…. Even my mother calls me and wants me to go places with her, and get some exercise.  If you’ve ever struggled with severe fatigue, you know that it is impossible to function!  Often I would slur my speech because I was too tired to talk.  I had trouble thinking, and was always losing things because the effort to recall was beyond me.  I’m so weak, constantly dropping things, tripping over things that aren’t there, and I shuffle through the house sometimes, unable to move faster than a crawl.

A few weeks ago I had an MRI to see if they could find evidence of MS.  It was negative.  They are looking for MS and Lupus at this point, and they are at a loss as to what to tell me.  I was seriously giving up on any hope of ever feeling better.  Finally I was very depressed.  It is actually rather scary to be at the point of giving up but it takes energy to keep fighting, and I didn’t have any.

I didn’t have the energy to write anymore, or read the blogs I’ve always enjoyed.  For the first time in weeks I opened my reader, and the first thing I read was  this article at a friends blog.  It is about vitamin D deficiency and how her daughter is finding help.  Knowing I have a deficiency anyway,  I started myself on some higher doses of D3.  It seems to be helping.    I find myself with some hope again.  I took my family to a nearby city for a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s and the zoo.  I didn’t crash until I was home!  That is HUGE!  It has taken me a few days to recover from that trip, but it is still HUGE!

Hope is a good thing…..

Hey everyone. I’m taking some time off. Hope to see you all soon!

Love,
Heidi

I’ve made a discovery over the past few days.  I have no trust left in people.  I’ve always had a hard time trusting, but right now I’ve got none for almost anyone.

I was thinking about going to church sometime, and I nearly panicked.   The thought of pasting on the smile, and acting the part, greeting acquaintances, and never really getting to know anyone just didn’t sound like my idea of fun.  I would love to go worship, and hear a message, but I can do that at home… right here at my computer.  I want the fellowship, but I’m not certain a church building is the place I’m going to get that.

Weird, huh?

If you go outside in your bare feet, and keep getting stung by bees, I suppose you would stop that behavior and begin wearing shoes.  If you pushed a fork into an electrical outlet, and were shocked, I suppose (unless you like being electrocuted) you would change your behavior.  If church becomes a place of misery that one goes to out of a sense of duty, should one continue going?  I don’t know anymore.

What is the old quote about insanity?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.      ~Albert Einstein

So I guess I need to work through some of the ‘trust’ issues with God , and see where I stand then.  After all, I don’t want to end up on the floor in the lobby of some church in the fetal position, crying for my mommy… 
But the upside… this did prompt a long talk with God.     I’m sure he has a plan in mind…. I just have to wait for him to share it with me.

I’ve had a few posts that I’ve kept up for days now, rereading and pondering them.

It started with Jeremy, at A Mending Shift.  He put up a post entitled “The Wounded Image of God.  He talks about the wounds that women have received within the church.

Jeff continued the theme with an post and apology, entitled “Why the Heart of Every Man Should Be Breaking.“

Go read them, please.

I really think this is the kind of thing we need to see to have healing within the church.  I was touched, and impressed by these two men and their hearts.  I think that the more men who come to this point, the more of a difference we will see in the church.

This is an area I’ve been very damaged in myself, and I know others who have been as well.   It is a very deep wound, and needs to be healed.  There are times I realize how very deep the damage goes, and I wonder if I will every be able to “be myself.”

Are you still here?  You can come back and comment if you want to, but you have to go read it first to know what I’m talking about. 

Jeremy, and Jeff, please accept my deepest thanks for writing about this.

They are hysterically funny to watch!