to Feast or Famine

Taken Away

2011-08-08T22:06:00.008-04:00

This morning, sitting in a brand new home surrounded by boxes and the silence of sleeping children, I opened up my bible. The passage I happened to turn to was Daniel chapters four and five. Despite my whole-hearted belief in the sovereignty of the Lord, I forget His ordination of even a page I turn to so randomly.

Two years ago we left a church full of deep relationships to pursue selfish ambition at another church who like on a first date had been on her best behavior. The move there was unsettling and not very joyful. Literally after about two months into the new church I now refer to as the Bermuda Triangle, we began to recognize a crumbly foundation, deep character flaws and manipulation on catastrophic levels, that would later even attempt to assault our marriage. Toughing it out for fifteen months until things transpired to a point we could not in good conscience continue to keep our family there, we turned our resignation in and literally only one individual in leadership even attempted to hear our account of events. Severence was offered for three months as long as we followed a gag order and what followed was months of struggle - deep emotional stress, nausea, insomnia, nightmares, spiritual depression and isolation.

As painful as this experience was - a shock to my little girl brought up in church senses - I knew even this time was from His almighty hand. Since this location had been such a train wreck, we prayed for God to give us clarity, and over and over again, we received a clear "no," either we or they didn't feel we were a right fit or we would be the second choice out of sometimes seventy applicants. It was exhausting waiting, struggling day to day just to keep up. Months of searching for employment saying "Lord, we will go Wherever you want, just show us where," took us literally to other countries even, yet we didn't 'hear' a call. After the end of a weeks long interview series with multiple churches, we decided to stop looking and figure out how to survive where we were.

Shane and I had had our own little happy kingdom that we chose to leave. It was by God's hand of judgement and grace He took us away into this isolation. Even His putting us on a main road instead of a neighborhood kept us isolated. After so many months of struggling, not just financially, but deeply battling to understand this affliction and the injustice of our voice not being heard, we knew it was brought by our Father, and asked over and over again to be taken away from this Bermuda Triangle that we couldn't escape on our own. He led us to a church plant in North Atlanta where we were welcomed and our wounds began to heal. Their kindness went beyond appearances and they weren't afraid to enter into that pain with us. Just as we began to feel comfortable there, our Lord would take us away.

One weekend while the children and I spent time with family out of town, my husband went to a lunch with a couple of men who were a part of an online network of worship leaders. One of them passed my husband's contact information to a pastor friend whose church was in search of a worship leader. By the time my husband got home from that meeting, he already had an email from the pastor. Just days later he met the pastors in person and soon after our family went to worship and interview with their session and we knew we had found our call.

I am still certain that it is from His Hand we are afflicted with all kinds of hardships, but it also by His hand we were and are blessed. It was His judgement of our selfish ambition and non-recognition of His blessings, but also was His grace to take us into the valley to teach us, to reveal our need for all that He IS. It was His mercy and grace to bring us back to life, back to community. The judgement and grace of my King, so intertwined, so hard, but so GOOD is such a mystery.

I cannot begin to describe the blessings and community we have experienced in these past four days since moving. Moment after moment we have experienced being the exception to the rule in how we came to rest in a lovely brand new home, how we needed a washer and dryer and were given some the day we moved in, how when we arrived our porch was filled with kind people waiting to help - unloading the trucks in less than two hours, how delicious meals have been brought to our door each evening so we can focus on unpacking and settling in, meeting new neighbors and their children joining ours in play.....The kindness and community is overwhelming and so good for this broken, patched up heart.

At every turn God is winking at me, reminding me that each gift is from Him. His very taking us away from what we had made into our little earthly heaven into isolation - His grace and judgement intertwined is GOOD. He took us from what seemed like such a desperate situation and lifted us out so we could recognize His might hand in every moment.

My little kingdom wasn't near as vast as King Nebuchadnezzar's, but like him, God drove us from what we called 'life,' took us away until we knew that it is He who gives and He who takes away - yet He is Lord and He IS Good. In His judgement AND His grace He takes us away to Himself.

May each of us be taken away........away from this cluttered, selfish, culturized frame of mind and into the hand of our King, our Maker, the one who ordains our steps and calls us His own.

Expenses Paid.

2011-06-28T20:23:00.000-04:00

By Hamed Saber from Tehran, Iran CC-BY-2.0 via Wikimedia Commons

We just arrived back 'home' from another interview. The best thing about the children and I going along for my husband's interview process is that we gain a greater understanding, a better mental picture of the scope of God's kingdom being spread through every tongue, tribe and nation. The hard part is waiting to hear if they 'want' us and us discerning God's will.

I must say the struggle, the waiting, the financial stress is exhausting, but I know He means for this uncomfortable stretching of my spirit for His purposes, His good.

Looking back over the past five months of having no steady income, I am humbled and amazed at God's provision and honestly, on paper, have no idea how we've survived. We have been astonished by surprise checks in mail, generous parents and friends being servants of the King, offering help and food and encouragement to us along this hard road. Like the manna God daily provided for His people while they were in the desert, He has provided for us daily (Exodus 16). Just what we have needed. not more. not less.

In "our situation" as we have come to say in soooo many conversations lately, I often fantasize about what life will look like again when/if we ever have steady income again. Sometimes I even wish we were living in the early days of America, living off of the land when what one "needed" was less and what one had to spend was his or her time. Time to till and sow and reap. This time of need has taught me so much about myself, how I perceive "need," how impatient with God I really am, and how no matter how hard I try to solve problems with moralism or works, my attempts are futile. I cannot be perfect for me, for my husband, for my children, for God. I really hate that too. I want to be a.b.l.e to BE perfect, but it won't happen; it's not possible.

I've realized that too often, I equate security and need with a dollar sign. And unless you're living off the land in some nomadic lifestyle or living with someone who's covering your expenses, you really do need money to eat, to drink, to have shelter with electricity and running water, to have computers and software and phones and internet access to communicate with clients and, and, and.......

The stress of the day to day survival, making sure my children have food to eat, answering the "When can we go to Disney World, Mommy?" questions and explaining why I do not know when or if we will do x y or z has certainly affected all of us.

I was convinced that my eight year old son was still exhibiting signs of ingesting caffeine three days after his daddy had given him coffee. He had been fidgety, spilling things, aggravating his sisters much more than usual and almost, quite literally, bouncing off the walls. That was until tonight while the hubs was away and the girls were all tucked in bed, I asked him to sit and chat with me. I gave him the "What is Up with you lately?," pointing out his erratic behavior. After a few moments of silence he told me he was afraid - afraid we were poor. Me.oh.my.

I knew the stress has affected each of us differently, but had hoped the kids wouldn't notice the depth of our desperation. They are smart, sensitive little folks, who DO notice. - And - What a Responsibility we parents have to answer, to counsel, to love, to model!

The words that poured from my mouth were the very words I needed to hear myself. Explaining that
1. Even though we're broke and don't have the biggest toys/house/new car/fill in the blank, we are, compared to so many others in this world, very rich, even materially.

2. God is not a genie in a lamp, but hears us and cares deeply for His children and will provide for our needs.

3. We must turn our fear, our worry, into not just a prayer, but a dialogue with the One who IS in control. Expressing to God when having a hard time trusting, believing, etc.

4. Because of Christ we are truly rich.
Children of the world "trust in chariots and horses" (Psalm 20:7) and equate riches to money and things. Everywhere we turn the world sells us this lie, even when we know we cannot take any of that earthly wealth with us when we die.

Children of God must choose to find their riches in the hope that was paid for on the cross. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) Because of Christ, those who believe have the eternal hope of having a real relationship with God, who is not far off. That is the ultimate wealth! The expense of our sin, was paid for by Christ! He has covered our expenses, our debt.

In our "situation" our prayer has been for God to shepherd us like the ignorant sheep we are - that He would hit us over the head with a clear "Yes" or "No." So far, either by being chosen second out of thirty or more applicants (more than once now), or by us knowing it wasn't right, we've received all "Nos" thus far. We have said, "Lord, we will go wherever You want us to go. Just show us where!" and we have been literally around the world, but have not had a clear call-yet. I know that God is putting together the puzzle without giving me a peek at the box that has the picture on it!

In my impatience I am susceptible to believing the lies that He doesn't keep His promises, that He has forgotten me, that He will not provide, that the debt of my sin is too big, that it won't get better. For my sake and for the sake of my children, His children, I must fall on my knees and equip my heart and mind with the truth of His Word that I so often avoid. I must combat those lies with the assurance that my expenses, in fact, have been paid and "...the Lamb..will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. " (Revelation 7:17)

Opal Pool, in the Midway Geyser Basin, Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, USA

By Opal_Pool_YNP2.jpg: Acroterion derivative work: Gaendalf [CC-BY-SA-3.0, via Wikimedia Commons)

"...Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won, May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

(excerpt from Be Thou My Vision, Attributed to Dallan Forgaill, 8th Century; translated from ancient Irish to English by Mary E. Byrne, in “Eriú,” Journal of the School of Irish Learning, 1905, and versed by Eleanor H. Hull, 1912, alt.)

2011-05-31T16:22:00.000-04:00

Today I am watching, waiting, wondering....
longing for His purposes to "ripen fast" as Cowper says.

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

By William Cowper

Distracted

2011-04-08T13:39:00.000-04:00

I'm surviving. Walking along wanting a glimpse of where this path leads. I'm distracted.

Distracted by this state of limbo it seems we're in. Hovering over uncertainty. Anxious to know where we're going to land.

Distracted by the the death of my high school art teacher who inspired my creativity through drawing and painting. She introduced me to the impressionists who I still love today. She took me to Sarasota and introduced me to Dali, to Colorado where I saw the Rockies for the first time, and to New Mexico where we explored Georgia O'Keeffe's ghost ranch.

Distracted by the abundant supply of freelance work God has provided to sustain us while I sit in front of a computer for hours on end while my children hustle and bustle at my feet and I stop to throw in another load of laundry or say hello to my husband.

Distracted by the dwindling items in our pantry and my worldly desires for a new summer wardrobe.

Distracted by our vehicle that needs work as we approach the final payment.

Again, I'm distracted by the worry of things in my life that are hard. I am blind to how the Lord has orchestrated all of it and still provides water from the rock. I choose to be distracted by this life, the tangible, my reality, rather than fixing my eyes on the One who is unseen. - The One who has sustained us over these last several weeks, months, years. We found He led us to a church that is a breath of fresh air. The hubs has found God has provided my husband with part-time work that is flexible so we can go out of town three times in the next few weeks to out of town interviews. And I continue to receive He continues to provide new jobs as soon as I finish another - hence my lack of blog posts as of late.

As I proceed into this unknown....I pray that I WILL be distracted by all that He has proved Himself to be - my Savior, my provider, my comfort, the One who knows pieces of me I've yet to discover myself. Distracted by His goodness during the hard times that He has placed in my story. I must put one foot in front of the other and choose to be distracted by what is pure and true and good and not by my worries over things that are truly out of my control.

While I cannot see Him in the way I perceive tangible, what is tangible is what He has already accomplished in my story. That is enough. He is enough. to satisfy. to justify. to save. He IS the Provision I need.

I read an article today, Easter Everyday, by Brooke Musterman, and was reminded what I should be distracted by.

Coming soon on my blog for your curiosity and perhaps your amusement:
I've been asked to review a few new products: Yanni's latest album which should be interesting...and a new kids' meal product. Stay tuned!

2011-03-22T13:05:00.000-04:00

A dessert guaranteed to make for a happy afternoon:
Ina Garten's Black and White Angel Food Cake served with strawberries.

I only had half the eggs required, so I improvised and made cupcakes instead. Yum!

These were a hit with the kiddos.

Quiet

2011-02-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

the view from my room in Kelowna, BC, Canada, looking out on the Okanagan Lake

Sitting in the room of a resort looking out at the Okanagan Lake nestled in the mountains of British Columbia- the kids with friends, the husband at a meeting - it was quiet....Stepping onto the balcony taking in the crisp cool air, surrounded by mountains, clouds lingering and hinting of snow.

It's certainly a testimony of God's goodness and His good sense of humor that during a period of my husband's unemployment the job search has taken both of us to Europe and Canada. After such a season of hurt, feeling abandoned and thrown away, He continues to remind us to "be of good courage," to remember He holds our future - not the ones who hurt us. Boy would I love to get into His mind to see what He's up to.....

Over the past couple weeks as our reserves have faded and anxiety grows, God has brought several individuals and circumstances to bring encouragement to our hearts. He DOES provide. everything we truly need. not just the material, but He brings the deep spiritual things that our hearts long for...nourishment. I forget this.

On the Canadian bunny slope at Big White which seemed like a black diamond to me, laughing with new friends who felt like old ones renewed my spirit. Hearing my husband lead a large congregation in worship and him being affirmed by the church leaders -"this is what you were made for"- strengthened our resolve to stay the course. God took us three thousand miles away, gave me rest, made me quiet, gave me a glimpse of what could be. again. I was so deeply encouraged. as a wife partnering with her husband in ministry work. as a child of God. as a mother breathing in stillness to refuel for the return to her children. I was revived.

Every day I hustle, just trying to survive until bedtime, forgetting the joy He has given me. I starve in the famineland of what I can do rather than feast on how good He is. He proves Himself sufficient over and over again, yet I doubt. I look for a state of happiness where life and love and world are perfect, never to find it. I bury joy in Him and render myself useless for His kingdom.

I refuse quiet.

I bury my hope, my belief. I throw it away because my circumstances don't meet some imaginary standard of perfection. I forget all He has done for me today and over two thousand years ago. He is the Good Shepherd - meeting me, seeking me out, coming to rescue me in my forgetfulness. He gave me water from a rock and I forget.

For months I've wanted to rewind, to hit the Ctrl+Z, the undo button on my life to enter back into the season of blessing and community we foolishly left, but I am beginning to see that in all of it - the leaving, the coming into a hornet's nest, the family tension, sickness and loneliness in all of it, He carries me back to Himself. In Him I am made stronger, more confident in Who He is and more certain that 'I must decrease and He must increase.' that His grace is good, is sufficient to cover all my weakness, all my sin and doubt. That I am free in His mercy.

His love is sustaining, never ending and always meets me where I am. I don't have to put on a sunny, made up face or pretend I have this life stuff figured out - He sees through to my heart and comes to me - every. time. He comes to me not because of any good in me, but because of the goodness of Christ He has bestowed to me. I am His child.

Feeling the breeze roll of the lake and sweep over my face encouraged me to remember the One to whom I belong who wants me to rest in His faithfulness.

Pay attention to the "Yet God..." and "But God..." moments
Isaiah 30:15-26
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation,   in quietness and trust is your strength,  but you would have none of it.  You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’  Therefore you will flee!  You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’   Therefore your pursuers will be swift!  A thousand will flee  at the threat of one;  at the threat of five   you will all flee away,  till you are left  like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,   like a banner on a hill.”
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;  therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.  For the LORD is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him! People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!” He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

Shopping for Peace

2011-01-25T20:30:00.000-05:00

Overwhelmed by my every day existence, I headed out of the house the other day to clear my mind, hoping to hear myself think. I needed a break from work and kids and laundry and noise. Perusing the aisles of my 'go to' little strip mall, I wasn't shopping for stuff, I was shopping for peace. Looking at all the stuff on the shelves that I don't truly need, I was convicted that I pursue peace from all the wrong places.

So often I convince myself that I "need" some kitchen gadget or something new to beautify my home. I make some internal declaration that "I will truly be happy when..." For a long time that statement involved living in a home I could call my own, one I could transform into some little glimpse of heaven on earth. Truth is, I still have that in my head, but I know even owning my own home would bring the stress of maintenance and taxes and broken water heaters. Do I really want to spend all my life -my time- working to own stuff and then spend my time off work maintaining and grooming and repairing that stuff I hold so dear? Is that what this life is created for?

I'm not saying owning things is bad. I'm just not so sure that the having of stuff is worth my time. that pursuing stuff that's supposed to make my life comfortable is contributing to some big picture in this life. As long as I live on this planet, I will probably be subconsciously trying to set up my heaven on earth.

While being in the midst of this fruitful land where even the poor are far richer than much of the rest of the world, my hope is that I could be more conscious to not buy into the lie that my heart can be satisfied with stuff, that I can work to earn some false peace that this life, even this country is supposed to offer me.

When my focus is misplaced by the sin of a heart driven in selfish pursuits, I am rendered useless in working for the One who made me. I have entered into the business of propping up myself instead of promoting my King. Do I want to worship the work of my own hands and neglect to acknowledge the ultimate work of Christ?

Our culture teaches me to want stuff, to "need" stuff, to worship stuff and self. Our culture tells me to pursue material wealth and fame; to promote self because I deserve "it" - whatever "it" is. Our Creator has said "...whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for [His] sake will find it." (Matthew 16:25) Am I willing to be inconvenienced for my Creator? my Savior? Will I find comfort in Him alone or will I continually look for peace in my current comfort-level, my circumstance? Am I willing to lay aside myself and depend on Christ to truly save me, to bring comfort to my soul? or will I ever depend on my human self (that only has mere breath)? or will I live for the One who gives me that breath? Where will my children see me find peace?

God, forgive me for always thinking that I can find or buy peace instead of acknowledging that You are Peace. Help me to stop shopping elsewhere for the perfect peace You alone can give. Amen.

......I found these verses from the book of Isaiah reminding me where my trust should lie and from where my peace must come.

Their land is full of silver and gold; there is no end to their treasures. Their land is full of horses; there is no end to their chariots. Their land is full of idols; they bow down to the work of their hands, to what their fingers have made. So people will be brought low and everyone humbled—do not forgive them. Go into the rocks, hide in the ground  from the fearful presence of the LORD and the splendor of his majesty!  The eyes of the arrogant will be humbled and human pride brought low; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day. The LORD Almighty has a day in store  for all the proud and lofty,  for all that is exalted (and they will be humbled),  for all the cedars of Lebanon, tall and lofty, and all the oaks of Bashan,  for all the towering mountains  and all the high hills,  for every lofty tower  and every fortified wall,  for every trading ship  and every stately vessel.  The arrogance of man will be brought low  and human pride humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day,  and the idols will totally disappear. People will flee to caves in the rocks  and to holes in the ground from the fearful presence of the LORD  and the splendor of his majesty, when he rises to shake the earth.  In that day people will throw away  to the moles and bats their idols of silver and idols of gold, which they made to worship.  They will flee to caverns in the rocks  and to the overhanging crags  from the fearful presence of the LORD  and the splendor of his majesty,  when he rises to shake the earth. Stop trusting in mere humans,  who have but a breath in their nostrils.  Why hold them in esteem?
Isaiah 2:6-22

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? Matthew 16:24-26

Idolizing "Easy"

2011-01-21T16:59:00.000-05:00

Do you idolize "easy"??

I do.

Last month, I stepped out of my comfort zone to experience a week in the life of missionaries in Eastern Europe. Before my husband and I went, I romanticized what the missionary life must look like: vacations to neighboring countries, speaking a different language, walking on cobblestone streets and eating yummy foods amid the beautiful architecture. The reality of what they're truly experiencing is not quite as romantic. Holidays away from family, communication barriers with locals, loneliness, struggling just to learn the culture, changing their very existence - for the sake of the gospel.

Exploring the possibility of becoming a missionary in that land foreign to me, I have been doing some deep soul searching. Digging my heels into the ground, I was determined not to buy into the idea. My resistance began with my want to avoid bitterly cold winters and deep snow, to avoid having to learn to drive a stick shift in the snow, having no homeschool support, leaving HGTV and thrift stores behind. That's not to mention the idea of moving 6000 miles away from family and friends. I realized how selfish my motivations are - how ME-centered my instincts are. My motivations are sinful, self-ish- naturally. I was slowly awakened to idols I didn't even know I had. The ease of my little American life.....

When I found myself grumbling at the thought of experiencing those inconveniences, I realized I idolize "easy" in everything from avoiding conflict with my husband, family, or friends to rarely going to the grocery store during the day when it's crowded. So often my joy, my worship of the Lord, is caught up in how I perceive the convenience of my life, my bank account, my children's behavior, my relationships, my diet, my health and my home. Over and over again my joy is wrapped up in the blessings and not the Blessor.

I am Eve in the Garden. Doubting that what God says is true. I. am. Eve. Every thought in my head reeks of sin and distrust of my Creator preventing me from seeing Christ and His perfect work, His atonement. His grace. which. is. sufficient. for. me.

Time and again God has provided for my every need. Yet I doubt....Even now he has given me work and my husband gigs to sustain us after severance is gone. I do not know how we will make it through February or March or any month thereafter, but I have moved from worry to trust. (This is a big step for me as worry is in my genes). I will still doubt, but I am more confident in who HE is and especially who I am NOT. God has shown me how in control he is of my health, my family, my marriage. He is ushering me to Himself always. Exposing my sin and my pride all the way. My pride in wanting to put on a mask to tell the world I'm doing good and feeling good..when He knows I am not. I like to pretend I'm in "Easy." He stretches me and makes me uncomfortable with who I am, yet reassures me of who He is.

"Easy" doesn't usually get me closer to the Savior. "Easy" doesn't stretch me outside my comfort zone. "Easy" doesn't usually bring the level of worship that I experience when I am in a pit. "Easy" makes me think and live like Heaven is here. "Easy" makes me think I am in control.

I might just need to see God's own handwriting telling me to go or hear His audible instructions to be confident of His will - especially after the year we've had feeling like we'd come to the "wrong" place. But when I was thinking of what it would cost me to be a missionary in a foreign land, leaving everything I know and ones I love, I was missing the boat! I never thought about what it cost Christ. I was acting like this was my life to live - for myself, not for my Creator. I was missing the big picture of why I SHOULD go vs. why I SHOULDN'T or for whom I should go. I took my feet off the brakes of my will and asked for HIS.

Now the truth is, my husband and I haven't discerned God's will in this decision yet and feel that a "no" is just as important as a "yes." While I'm gunshy after the past year of being stuck in a valley, I am more confident than ever that it is He who leads us into the valleys and onto the mountaintops. I would never want to re-live the past year and a half, but He has shifted me from a "we made a mistake" mentality to a "God brought us here for HIS purposes" confidence. And I am certain it was not for my glory, but for His. I am certain that He HAS deeply blessed us in that valley, drawing us to a clearer perspective of who He is.

I must not pursue God's will for blessing, for "easy." His blessings must not be my motivator. Who He Is must challenge me to ever pursue Him, to want Him to captivate my heart. I must worship HIM. Not stuff, not ease of life and health and wealth. I must not hinge my joy on seen things, but on Him who is unseen. Any gospel preached that claims health and wealth and good days belong to me outside of heaven is false. All those things will fade away. The foundation of my house will crack - I must build the foundation of my soul on THE CORNERSTONE and rest there - in Him, not in what I think is "easy."

...Jesus is ‘the stone you builders rejected, which has become the cornerstone.’ Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:10-12 NIV

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S. Lewis

Heidelberg Catecism
Question. 1. What is the chief end of man?
Answer. Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever.

Here are two ends of life specified. 1. The glorifying of God. 2. The enjoying of God. First. The glorifying of God, 1 Pet. 4:11. "That God in all things may be glorified." The glory of God is a silver thread which must run through all our actions. l Cor. 10:31. "Whether therefore ye eat or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." Everything works to some end in things natural and artificial; now, man being a rational creature, must propose some end to himself, and that should be, that he may lift up God in the world. He had better lose his life than the end of his living. The great truth asserted is that the end of every man's living should be to glorify God. Glorifying God has respect to all the persons in the Trinity; it respects God the Father who gave us life; God the Son, who lost his life for us; and God the Holy Ghost, who produces a new life in us; we must bring glory to the whole Trinity. - Thomas Watson's sermon Man's Chief End is to Glorify God

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Handmade gifts

2011-01-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

I love giving and receiving handmade gifts. This year after visiting Edie of lifeingraceblog's 12 Days of Christmas event, specifically the tutorial on sewing zipper pouches and Jessica of Happy Together's rosette tutorial I was excited to sew something special for the ladies in my family. The zipper pouches were a hit! The fabrics weren't expensive at all; in fact the houndstooth came from a skirt I bought for about $1 at Goodwill, the red roses were made from a Dupioni silk remnant on sale in a scrap bin!

I hope you'll try your hand at making them too!

My Joy Problem

2011-01-06T15:43:00.000-05:00

Today I began reading Little Men by Louisa May Alcott to my children. I was so moved just by the first chapter. Twelve year old Nat, an orphan found mourning the loss of his father in a cellar, was taken in by a couple who cared for many other boys from similar backgrounds. (my own children watched as I my voice quivered holding back tears) As Jo, the mother, was showing Nat the lay of the land, she simply took his hand and said "My child, you have got a father and a mother now, and this is home. Don't think of those sad times any more, but get well and happy; and be sure you shall never suffer again, if we can help it." And more tears flowed.

That first chapter touched on so many things relevant to my life, feeling like an orphan, a cast away, wanting to actually adopt an orphan in the near future, wanting my home to be one filled with joy and wanting the Lord to reach down, take my hand and lead me to a joyful place.

Why is joy such a problem for me?! I do believe that Jesus Christ suffered and died knowing I was His child whom He was saving and I do believe He was my substitute, paying the ransom for my soul. But why do I have such a hard time with joy? Because I am to rooted in the world? and not the Word?! Am I weary because I don't look at myself as a Pilgrim in this world? or Perhaps does being a Pilgrim make me weary? or both...

I AM convinced that God wants me to be "joyful always" (I Thessalonians 5:16-18), even here on this earth, especially on this earth, but man, is it tough sometimes. This world does not offer up spiritual satisfaction. No money, no vacation, no t.h.i.n.g. has the ability to fill me. Christ does satisfy. The suffering I experience here is supposed to drive me to my knees and to HIM. Over and over again I look, I wait for joy to happen to me. I wait for my circumstances to change, for God to write His will for my life down on paper so I can attempt to obey and check off some magic list. Even then my joy would come from my attempt to get it right. In this present day, with my husband's job search that has not been fruitful yet I just want the Lord to tell us what to do. to move. to stay. what. to. do. In the waiting and even when He does provide, my joy must not come from the provision, but from the person of Christ. The more I attempt to rest my joy in some tangible Thing, the farther away I am from the true joy of resting in Him.

The things in this world will orphan you -every time. God's Word does give you the 'lay of the land.' His Word tells you "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 3:8). When the believer's hour has come He will say "My child, you have got a [father] now, and this is home. Don't think of those sad times any more, but get well and happy; and be sure you shall never suffer again.."

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

He shall pray to God, and He will delight in him,
He shall see His face with joy,
For He restores to man His righteousness. Job 33:26

He shall pray to God, and He will delight in him,
He shall see His face with joy,
For He restores to man His righteousness. Psalm 5:11

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Psalm 51:12

In the day of prosperity be joyful, But in the day of adversity consider: Surely God has appointed the one as well as the other...Ecclesiastes 7:14

I will greatly rejoice in the LORD,
My soul shall be joyful in my God;
For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation,
He has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its bud,
As the garden causes the things that are sown in it to spring forth,
So the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations. Isaiah 61:10-11

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Happy birthday, Edie!

2011-01-04T16:53:00.000-05:00

Today is the birthday of a dear lady I've never met. Her blog is a beautiful communication of all things heart and home that has touched my heart so often. The Tuesday before Christmas Edie lost all her earthly possessions in a fire. What she truly possesses is so much more than all the worldly goods so many of us desire. She has a heart of worship. She worships the Lord in all that she does in her home and heart and especially in her relationships. She is a friend I've never met, a mentor and woman of God.

Join me in wishing Edie of lifeingrace a most bountiful and very happy birthday! May God restore all that you have in heaven and on earth as He pours His love out on you! Happy birthday, Edie!

The Joy of Homeschooling

2011-01-04T15:52:00.001-05:00

My prayer for 2011, is for the Lord to restore my joy in Christ. The world and all the circumstances in it nearly destroyed my and my family's spirit last year. I need a refreshed outlook on my God, my King, my Savior who puts meaning in all this mess of my life and this world.

Lately, I haven't been excited about much, we're a few weeks away from losing steady income and scared to death. If you would, please send up a prayer for a job for my husband. Please....

In the midst of this worry today, buried in design work, laundry, our first day back to homeschooling, two feverish children on the couch, potty training and a headache that won't subside, I received an email from a friend asking about why I chose to homeschool. For the first time in a while I felt excited! And I was MORE than happy to respond right away. The email communication went a little something like this:

So, I wanted to pick your brain about homeschooling. We are considering it... just in early stages of praying and looking into it. I am overwhelmed! Can you tell me what lead you to your decision? And, give me the ups and downs? For me the main reason is just that I hate that [my son] is gone for sooooo long each day at such a young age. And, when he is home he is tired and cranky so we don't get his best hours to do all the at home learning (music, Bible, etc...) that I want to do. Does that make sense or am I being an overprotective, controlling mom? ;) Also, how do you work it with the little ones? I think [my little girl] could join in on some of it, but not [the baby] yet. Just wondering how you work it out logistically. So, whenever you have time, which may be never, I realize!!

"Hi! We're doing okay, just down to the wire with the job search.....

Ahhh, homeschooling! I am SO glad we decided to bring the kids back home this year after having them in the [private] school last year!

The Ups:
First, we love the flexibility of being able to travel and not be on some 'master schedule' that someone else has planned where we have to ask special permission to do things with our children. (That just never set well with me).

Second, while my house is a little messier and there's more sibling and parent to child conflict - there are many more opportunities to teach real 'life' skills of communication, working as a team on chores/running a household/meal planning/personal responsibility, serving one another, talking with neighbors and people of all ages as opposed to just their peer groups. Not to mention more opportunities to pour God's word into every situation in those "Best hours" as you put it!

I do want the 'best hours' of my child's day, being present to encourage them, avoid or alleviate frustrations (allowing them to take a break when they need it), and create a routine that works best for our family as a whole and for each individual. I love walking them through the day, my getting to know who they are, and helping them to identify their strengths and weaknesses, helping them to focus on God in even the little moments.

Most of all, I realize that my children will, Lord willing, be with us only for a small fraction of their lives, so I want to lay a strong foundation under them that includes a strong familial relationship, that encourages them to be confident in Christ, independent of the world and teaches them how to be life-long learners.

One of the things I hated last year was feeling like we had two separate families - the school kids and the little ones. It didn't feel like a family unit. Now that they're home, they're playing more with their little sisters, using their imaginations more, and not growing up so fast. I personally see (and hear from friends who have their children in school) their peers who are in school, even Christian schools, focusing more on boy/girl relationships, putting one another down, bathroom humor, etc. While we've had the 'talk' with our big kids (7&9), they still play with cars and dolls and aren't as interested in the latest Disney preteen shows. (I admit, I'm not a big Disney fan, in general).

I love that I can focus on building up where they are individually weak and encourage their strengths, helping them every day to see God's giftings in their lives and how that fits with God's calling on each of them.

As for concerns over socialization, usually we are involved in a co-op or really, just a support group of about 10 families that do field trips together and have park/play dates regularly.

Incorporating little ones....Because of our style of schooling - short lessons given by me, then the kids go do their assignments, coming back to me for help, the little ones either are in the room quietly coloring/playdoh/puzzles, etc, are watching a very limited amount of tv/Sesame Street or Sprout, or freely playing in their room together.

Every day may look somewhat different, but I really try to incorporate learning in everything we do. For example, during meals I have eaten beforehand so that I can teach or read while they quietly eat (This usually makes for a pretty peaceful mealtime). During breakfast, I try to read a short bible story (Catherine Vos, Child Story Bible) which the kids narrate/retell in a journal later or read from Susan Hunt's ABC Bible Verses book. Then, during lunch (again, I've already eaten or eat later) I read aloud a chapter book and ask comprehension questions; we recently finished the Narnia series. The kids still have their own age appropriate chapter books to read as an assignment.

The downs:
You have to be more intentional about having time for yourself - hopefully [your husband] could help protect and encourage that time for you. I used to have one night a week designated to get out of the house....We still need to work on that! We do have a "quiet hour" or two during [my 2 year old's] nap when the big kids have quiet time in their own rooms doing a quiet activity. That hour or two is priceless!

As I said before, where there are people, there's sin, so there's a lot more opportunity for your kids to see your sin -and your repentance!

You are in no way being overprotective or controlling! There is no one who loves your child (on earth) more than you and [your husband], so no one else has their best interest in mind as much as you! It is fun experiencing those 'light bulb' moments when they 'get' a new concept and I am always so excited that they love to read when you give them rich literature.

I'm going to send you some links to other sites and maybe some blogs that are really good either for curriculum or just encouragement.

In our efforts to save money, I piece together curriculum and use the library a ton. I use book lists from Sonlight and Veritas and Ambleside to get ideas for age appropriate books that are very rich, 'living books' that fuel the imagination and are not dumbed down. I use Abeka for math, the Get Ready for the Code and Explode the Code series are great for little ones learning to read and write. Beautiful Feet and/or Story of the World for history and God's Design for Science. For art, there are projects within the history curriculum we do and I also use a book called Discovering Great Artists that teaches short lesson or bio on the artist and has a project to do. We also use the internet as a resource.

I know I've written a book, but I'm always encouraged and ever reminded of why I'm doing this when someone asks! So thank you for asking!"

Thank you friend for reminding me of why I chose this and why I love it. Thank you, Lord for restoring my joy of homeschooling in this hour!

Another Thrifty Transformation

2010-12-20T18:02:00.000-05:00

Times are tight as the hubs looks for another j.o.b. In the meantime, we're trying to make end's meat and sadly decided to forego the wonderful-fill-the-whole-house-up-with-the-smell-of-Christmas-live-tree. When I pulled this bargain bin artificial tree out of the attic and opened the box, I nearly cried. It's puny and pitiful. I think even Charlie Brown's tree was better.

So, here's the 'before' shot of the pitiful tree with the star frowning:

Here's a trick I learned a few years ago at my brother in law's Christmas wedding watching the florist at work. I simply walked out to the back yard, clipped some cedar branches as my daughter gathered pine needle bundles that had fallen and brought them in to stuff into the bare spots. A few minutes and ornaments later and wallah:

A not so pathetic tree!

[the minus-one arm] nutcracker [whose missing arm is floating around in a toy bin somewhere] in the artificial greenery that I also jazzed up with some pine

I kept it simple, and while it may not be catalog worthy, it made our home cozy and warm and ready to welcome Christmas into our needy souls.

In the Sunshine, the Rain....and Even in the Snow

2010-12-02T09:56:00.000-05:00

(inspired by Monet, these are my photos taken this morning at different hours from our friends' bedroom window)

I am in Prague, Czech Republic! After a heartbreaking, spiritually oppressed season, I feel God lifting us out of the ashes of brokenness and hurt. What a glorious gift for God to send us here for a respite, fellowship with friends, being reminded of what it means to work for His kingdom-not trying to build our own.

Talking with church staff here about joining them in Prague is good- whether we're called here with them or just called for inspiration- it is good. Feeling the snow on my face and inches, several inches, underfoot FEELS good. Even hearing birds native to the Czech Republic who have different sounds than the ones at home reminds me to breathe, to feel, to listen.... My spirit and my senses are awakened to the possibilities of God, the One who made all this, the One who entered me (and you) into His plan.

Being a foreigner for the first time, helped in the airport by a kind French worker, being asked if I'd ordered a gingerbread latte in the Czech language at Starbucks and blankly staring at the barista, not understanding a word, made me feel small...in a good way. Being so out of the realm of all that I know is helping me to see how big our God is and most importantly how personal He is in light of that bigness.

Through so many circumstances leading up to coming here I was reminded- I could almost hear His whisper - "I am in control of it all, even and especially the details." From the speed of cheerful givers purchasing the plane tickets, the smooth expedition of my passport, and most significantly how we-being the last to board the flight out of Paris because our plane from Cincinnati was landing while the next was boarding- actually making it onto the flight, He lined up every detail from the first to the last.

He is telling me to remember that I am His and though, yes, it was He too who brought me through the this very difficult year (and most likely will again), He is ever present. Christ is my hope, my future. He is King Jesus, the God of the Sunshine and the Rain (and in Praha - the Snow).

Plan for His Surprises!

2010-11-14T19:43:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was talking with an eighth grade girl about her future. I listened as she rattled off this magic to do list:

1. go to college
2. graduate
3. buy a house
4. live on my own
5. get married

While I was glad to see her ambition, her list really made me think of what I'm teaching my children and what motivates my own plans. If I do believe I was made by Our Creator and was made "for His glory," shouldn't my plans be motivated by my worship of Him? If I'm following what the world sees as The Perfect Formula for a Successful Life, how can I consider the Lord's plan for my life and the special giftings He's given me?

I didn't stick to the world's magic success formula. I have no beef with you if you did. My not sticking to the magic formula has brought a LOT of struggle, but has also blessed me tremendously. God has interrupted my plans...often, very often. First, He brought a young man into my life who loved Him and it wasn't long before I was smitten and knew I wanted him to be my husband. Getting married before I finished college certainly wasn't in the magic formula, yet brought surprises - good and hard, can't-help-but-learn-to-trust-the-Lord hard. BUT, experiencing the highs and lows of our lives together made us stronger; those times deeply connected our commitment and have helped us to stay the course when it would have been easier to throw in the towel- more than once. Financially, sure we could have done more (vacations, eating out, golfing etc.) and had more (stuff: nicer clothes, cars and houses, etc.). Had we stuck to the formula where would our treasure lay? in a fat retirement or savings account, in all our stuff - Look, I know me and I know my heart- I would have been secure in my stuff and in money, not in the One who gives me breath....

I'm learning, a little more each day, to be prepared...and thankful... for the unexpected surprises the Lord brings. I can live for my plans, but will I be living for the Lord?

A little over a year ago, my husband and I made plans --plans to leave a great church and great friends and we fooled ourselves into thinking it was God's will. It has been one of the most difficult years of our lives. For awhile I convinced myself it was our mistake, and on many levels - from not deeply praying about moving, not truly seeking the will of my Father- it was our sin that brought us to this place. After the year we've had, I am realizing that what I say I believe IS really true...that it IS true that "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). As hard as the year has been, I am now confident that while we made plans to come here, it was He who directed our steps for His purposes, His big picture - one that I cannot see. He is using all this mess for good.

Because of the rough year we've had, stepping out on faith, we have resigned from our post here in Atlanta. While we desperately desire to be back home near family and friends and the music scene (the hubs is a musician), we are seeking God's will and are prepared to move wherever He leads. While I am tempted to worry as the promise of a steady monthly income fades, I must trust in the One who put me here. Presently, there are a lot of irons in the fire; one of which is exploring the possibility of working with a missions team in Prague, Czech Republic. What a surprise! In a whirlwind of being asked to come, support raising, and expediting my passport, we are booked to leave for Prague in two weeks! God used a very generous family and another friend of the family to immediately provide for the plane tickets before we'd even sent out the support letters!

I know that living in Prague has never entered my internal 'Plan of Andrea,' but desperate times have opened a crack in my will, opening my heart to this possibility. I pray that this trip will be a respite for these spirits, wounded by men and by life and I'm hoping we can discern God's will for what's around the bend. As the adrenaline swirls with the thoughts in my head, I am confident that I am safe in the center of His will as I mark off the top two things on my 2010 'to do' list..

I must expect to be surprised, I must expect His perfect provision. My hope for you, and for my children, is to realize that life is so much richer, so much more exciting, challenging and growth-enhancing when you recognize God interrupting your plans, surprising you with HIS. Let Christ lead your years, months, days and moments. Let Him book your calendar...Open up to His surprises and you will be blessed.

Matthew 6: 19-34

Treasures in Heaven

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

²² “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. ²³ But if your eyes are unhealthy,your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Proverbs 16:1-3

But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.

To read more scripture go to www.biblegateway.com

Fruits of the Spirit, Part II: Self-Control

2010-11-08T22:44:00.001-05:00

Galatians 5:22-24 (NKJV)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,

goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

We have had a really, reeeeeally rough year. After taking ten days to get away to visit family (and look for a job for my husband...) we came back home trying to get in some sort of routine again. Going back to Central Time from Eastern along with the 'fall back' time change, we were all sleeping in until (I'm embarrassed to say) at least ten. Either we're just exhausted or our internal clocks need some serious adjusting! I had even given the children a speech yesterday about how "tomorrow, we're going to have a Routine.." and "we're going to be done with homeschooling before lunch!" Well, when I finally herded the kids into the school room their tummies were evidently screaming so we headed to the kitchen for another detour. Then it was back to school, and on to yard work and supper.

Seeing our redneckish backyard littered with toys, plastic drink cups and bowls (my good kitchen bowls being used for mudpies and my four year old's 'cooking creations' of grass and leaves) the hubs and I became frustrated realizing how little self-control our children had in picking up after themselves and taking care of the things they've been given. I blurted out that we hadn't exactly been parenting very well for the past year during our spiritual, emotional, being kicked down in the dirt mayhem.

Our children had not been very self-controlled; they had been following our example or lack-thereof. So many things in this life require self-control: reaching for the remote and a bag of chips vs. following up a salad with a walk, avoiding road rage when you've been cut off, maintaining vehicles and simply doing the dishes when the kitchen's a mess. When I think of self-control, I think of passing up those delectable brownies to avoid tipping the scales, but self-control goes beyond the basics of keeping a trim waistline, or maintaining a schedule. Self-control is an asset to every relationship, especially marriage & family.

What does self-control look like in a marriage??

How 'bout...

-avoiding situations where you are alone with someone of the opposite sex
-caring for your body out of respect for your spouse and children
-avoiding inappropriate movies, music, etc. that fill your mind with unclean thoughts
-realizing that what you purchase effects your household budget
-taking a moment to calm down when you are upset or angry
-guarding the door of your lips so you don't sin against another (Psalm 141:3)
-intentionally loving and serving others before yourself

What does self-control look like in parenting??

-modeling self-discipline, diligence
-honoring one another rather than assaulting each other with hurtful words and actions
-avoiding being a lazy disciplinarian, getting up to discipline every time they disobey
-not taking out your stress on your children, who are really just acting like kids.....
-honoring your children's requests even when you are busy
-honoring the things that are precious to your children (even if it's a yucky, slimy, warted toad)

Self-control is a quality that God wants us to be mindful of. Self-control is a fruit of the spirit that is good to others and is an outpouring from the attitude of your heart. It can really be a gift to your spouse, your marriage and your family. Think about what that looks like for you.

So tonight, when I head to bed, setting my alarm for 8am (hopefully, my thoughts won't keep me up until 4am again....) my hope is to let the day begin with a motivating self-control that will encourage my family. Sometimes simply being up and awake with coffee in hand, ready to greet those bouncy curls and chatty lips does good for my soul, setting the tone for a good day....I am thankful God so often gives us tomorrows to try again!

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. - Proverbs 16:32 Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control. - Proverbs 25:28

Review: the Norah Jones Project

2010-11-07T22:34:00.001-05:00

Recently on behalf of the Norah Jones project with One2One Network, I had the privilege of receiving Norah Jones' new album to review, giving my honest opinion.

From her duets with Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton, to turning back the clock with Ray Charles, Norah Jones' newest album ...Featuring Norah Jones had me groovin.' Listening to the album made me feel like I was scanning an old radio. This album is diverse, moody and sassy. If you have little dancers like me, they'll love putting on cowboy hats to take a turn to Bull Rider, or you might like to grab your main squeeze for a slow dance to her collaboration with The Little Willies entitled Love Me. For the rocker in you, you'll be delighted with Norah joining The Foo Fighters and if you're in the mood for rap, meet OutKast -I'm still warming up to that one! Norah Jones' voice is as smooth as ever and you'll delight in experiencing this diverse collection of songs.

to order ...Featuring Norah Jones

Norah Official Site: http://bit.ly/norahsite
Album PreOrder: http://amzn.to/NJpreorder

The Fruits of the Spirit: Longsuffering

2010-10-22T16:31:00.000-04:00

Looking in the mirror sometimes, past the cheeks that aren't as plump anymore and through the beginnings of crows feet, I still see an insecure twelve year old girl looking back at me...I still can't explain why I ever put my worth in what boy was paying attention to me. I remember as far back as third grade feeling rejected by a boy. Maybe in middle school it was new hormones or maybe some event I haven't yet unraveled, but for some reason I wrapped up my joy and my worth in having a boyfriend. My middle school days were focused on either obtaining, or keeping a boyfriend and high school wasn't much different until I had a turning point. Only after being hurt multiple times by guys I had always given a second or even third chance to hurt me again, did I wake up one day with a new perspective. One guy made clear his agenda and when I informed him I had no intentions of sleeping with him, broke up with me the next day. Not long after that experience, did I finally release myself from the self-imposed obligation to have a boyfriend, and I began to enjoy my life as a high schooler. I began to look at guys as potential husbands, not boyfriends. There's a B-I-G difference.

When you know you want to be married one day (even if you're really young), again, I say, you need to act like it! Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships whether you're twelve or twenty are faux-marriages with an always present escape route. Most of these kinds of relationships do not model covenant keeping, godly relationships. If you're in the mindset of these types of relationships you could live a life full of a succession of boyfriends and never get to the life for which you had hoped. If you are not even an adult yet and know you want to accomplish x-y-z before getting married one day, take my advice and don't waste your time. Don't waste the day to day having fun in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that could land you in a wilderness of consequence. Trust me, if you spend enough time one on one with someone of the opposite sex, especially in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it will not take long for hand holding to turn into much more. While you are young, focus on long-lasting friendship with trustworthy friends of the same sex and focus on figuring out who you are in light of who God has made you.

In my post "Looking for a Soul Mate?" I began to explore the topic of marriage and got some good feedback so I've decided to write more on this topic. This time, I want to lightly explore how the 'fruits of the spirit' should be played out in marriage and how the adolescent boyfriend/girlfriend relationship does not reflect a covenant keeping picture of marriage.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 (NKJV)

Christian or not, you have to admit the 'fruits of the Spirit' listed in the Bible are good qualities in a parent, a friend, and especially a spouse! Let me preface this by saying my marriage is not and never will be perfect, but my husband and I are committed to the good, the bad and the ugly - his, mine and ours- for a lifetime. I am writing this as much to myself as a twelve year old girl as any of you today.

Some versions of the bible leave out "longsuffering" for reasons I haven't explored, but I think longsuffering is a very pertinent quality that any marriage hinges upon. Maybe you've already suffered a great deal or know someone who has, but rest assured, you WILL deal with some kind of suffering in this life - because of sin or sickness or loss... Will you choose a mate whose character can withstand the very worst of circumstances? Are you with someone now who would run away when things get rough? Are YOU a person who cuts and runs at the first sign of conflict?

The teenage boy/girl relationship does not promote longsuffering, rather it teaches one to break up at the first sign of trouble. Merriam-Webster defines longsuffering as "patiently enduring lasting offense or hardship." The fact that the bible lists longsuffering as a fruit of the Spirit suggests that the Christian, like anyone else, WILL, in fact, experience offenses and hardships.

In marriage, you bring every one of your qualities -good and bad- to the table. Your strengths and your sins, his strengths and his sins. Yes, your bad habits (his leaving socks on the floor, or your propensity to burn everything you cook) will annoy each other, but your ever present sins will require grace extended to one another over and over and over again! And you don't get to be the One who is responsible for your spouse's sanctification! God will use each of you to sanctify one another, but at the end of the day you have to pray and trust God. You have to focus on your own sin instead of looking to your spouse's sin every time. There is no one in the world who I love more than my husband, but there's no one who can hurt me more or make me madder than hell either!

You will NEVER be "ready" to get married, but I pray that you would be confident in who you are in Christ before you turn your attentions to a spouse. Longsuffering could mean sickness for you, or in my case it seems to be financial struggle; whatever 'it' is for you, you can be sure the Lord will bring hard times to your marriage. Will you choose to be longsuffering forgiving one another as God has forgiven you?? Will you choose to fight for your marriage when the slings and arrows of the world are being thrown at you? Will you marry someone strong in the Lord who is confident in Christ, confidently willing to longsuffer with you 'til death do you part?

I encourage you to listen or at least read the notes to John Piper's sermons entitled: Marriage: God’s Showcase of Covenant-Keeping Grace and Marriage: Forgiving and Forbearing. My favorite point is that when you recognize how much God has forgiven you, it's not so hard to forgive your spouse.

Colossians 3 (NIV)

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

⁵Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.⁷You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ¹¹Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

¹²Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

¹⁵Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. ¹⁷And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Beautiful Things; Thrifty Transformations

2010-10-07T13:44:00.000-04:00

For almost a year now I have been more stressed out than ever in my life. My spiritual health, mental health (I could've already used several 'mental holidays' to date if given the chance), and lately the stress has even affected my physical health bringing headaches and nausea. In attempts to combat the stress, I've begun regularly working out and trying to decorate a rental home I'm not sure I'll be in much longer. All I can think about is the next beautiful thing I can add to enhance the decor. I like beautiful things. I covet beautiful things. I'd rather have a new accessory for my home than a new outfit. My budget rarely allows for either so I've been getting a little creative. I've been perusing through countless home decor and craft blogs for inspiration and don't plan on turning this blog into a craft blog, but I might add a section showing off my thrifty transformations. All this begs the question, why do I want the things that I don't really need? Why am I so drawn to beautiful things, to beautiful homes and clothes?

For me, the answer is simple, we aren't made for this world. God made us for His glory and ultimately, heaven. My heart is not home, yet it longs for heaven. That is why I attempt to make my home a heaven on earth - choosing the right paint color, every picture in place, attempting to be organized down to the last paperclip. I have four little folks and my favorite man to help in the disarray of my home, but in vain I try.

My heart longs for a beautiful home (that has my name on the title) where I can live for the rest of my life with a parade of children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren visiting my perfectly decorated home every Christmas where wassil is warm on the stove, my husband is leading us in carols and everyone is peaceful and content. Idyllic, hmm?

The reality is that God doesn't want our hearts to be here. He is jealous for our attentions and if you look at scripture closely you'll read how often He moved his people around, requiring them to depend upon Him often.

My comfort should never be in the stuff that this culture has taught me to love: that American dream we chase after - the house, the car, the shiny wardrobe and perfectly obedient children. I'm sure I've said this before, but houses rot, cars rust and breakdown, clothes go out of style (or get washed with a random red scarf and turn pink) and children will disobey.

While I wait for heaven and attempt to train my heart for it, I will continue to try to make treasure out of this world's trash and I will still attempt to make my home lovely on a shoe-string budget, but maybe as I transform a thrift store skirt into a new pillow or paint something I found at a garage sale, I will be reminded of my need for the Father who has made all beauty. And in Him is where my treasure should lie.

I can still hear this song being sung by the older ladies at my grandparents' church when I was a little girl:

Sing them over again to me, wonderful words of life,

Let me more of their beauty see, wonderful words of life;
Words of life and beauty teach me faith and duty.

Beautiful words, wonderful words, wonderful words of life,
Beautiful words, wonderful words, wonderful words of life.

Christ, the blessèd One, gives to all wonderful words of life;
Sinner, list to the loving call, wonderful words of life;
All so freely given, wooing us to heaven.

Sweetly echo the Gospel call, wonderful words of life;
Offer pardon and peace to all, wonderful words of life;
Jesus, only Savior, sanctify us forever. -Words & Music: Philip P. Bliss, 1874

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Matthew 6:20-21

Semper Reformanda- Ever being reformed,

Andrea

I'm attempting to attach my husband's quick (and beautiful) version of Wonderful Words of Life below.

My Only Comfort in Life & Death

2010-08-10T00:28:00.000-04:00

Until a few short hours ago, I was really thinking over the reality of what this world REALLY offers....danger, death, despair. What sense can I make of all this mess? Why are we even here?! My questions, my fear, my despair turned a corner, and I realized I have to hope. I must cling to hope..... I thought of the Heidelberg question: "What is my only comfort in life and death?"

I could define my state this day, this week, this year as somewhat hope-less and very emotionally charged. And very much in need of comfort.

My husband, bless his heart (insert TN Southern girl accent), is a self-admitted crier. He wears his heart on his sleeve. I guess I always thought I was sensitive, but I'm stone cold compared to him! He's always the first one to apologize, yet I can never seem to find the words "I'm sorry." Doing a little self-evaluation I'm recognizing one of my many character flaws is pride. Not the 'give yourself a pat on the back' pride, but a don't-show-how-you-really-feel and pretend-everything-is-perfect pride. Lately, I've even seen how I've even passed this not-quite-coping mechanism to my own daughter. Basically, I've either inherited or just learned to pretend to be inhuman.

I could make excuses and say that it's been my own built-in defense system. Or I could shift the blame and say being shy doesn't really encourage others to delve into getting to know me, much less how I'm feeling.

My emotions have gone awry this year. I mean out of the box of Andrea awry! 'I actually am considering REALLY giving you the speech in my head outloud for once' not so prim and proper Andrea!!

I have not been myself. I've basically been -internally anyway- in a puddle, often unable to hold back my dam of emotions. In October, I was devasted when my dear friend became a widow at 33. Yet, I wondered why I had the right to cry for a week. In January, an accident shortened the earthly life of a young teacher who ran in the same circles as some of my dearest friends. Yet, I thought the flood of emotion I was experiencing was unnatural since I was twice removed from a real friendship with her. This weekend, when I feared that an eye doctor who served the people of Afghanistan for years and had had dinner in my home less than two years ago may have been one of the ten mercilessly killed, my anxiety rose and I literally trembled. I thought it bizarre for me to experience this fear for the life of someone I met only for a few hours. Then, today riding home, checking out the latest Facebook status posts, when I learned that an elementary-through-high school classmate had been widowed by her hero husband serving our country in Afghanistan, the tears poured and I wondered what right do I have to experience this emotion?

I guess I've gotten so used to pushing down my emotion to hide, to protect, and to avoid that when the emotion took me by surprise, I felt ashamed. Ashamed and odd for feeling. Maybe I'm still trying to make excuses for my inability to control my tears, but I think God made us to be in community with one another. He wants us to hurt with one another...in person, or even across the miles through some social network site.

We should desire community where we're not concerned with showing off all our worldly goods and polished wardrobes, but a community where we can expose our souls and find comfort in the shared human experience. A community that holds us up when we've sinned, when we've fallen short, when we are hurting. Even in that idyllic 'community' we cannot be filled. It is only Christ who can minister to our very beings.

He is ABLE be our ONLY comfort in life and death because He did share the human experience even to the point of death!

Am I sad, am I despairing over the state of this rotting world? Yes! Is it just as rotten as it was all those years ago when Christ was crucified for no justifiable reason? Yes?! Yet, I cannot give up hope that it will be restored. In the meantime, when my emotions take me by surprise, I pray that I will welcome them and express them to connect to people who are not six degrees away from me, but who share the one thing we all have in common - souls desperate for love, desperate for hope. Desperate for peace. I pray that I will welcome my emotions, and use them to drive my knees to the ground to pray for the brokenhearted and to move my hands and feet to serve.

So, the next time my emotions take me aback, I might just think my husband's just wearing off on me, or maybe I'm changing....maybe I'm human afterall..

from the Heidelberg Catechism
Question 1. What is thy only comfort in life and death?

Answer: That I with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him.

But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

I will remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail. Lamentations 3:20-22

[Christ] made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Philippians 2:7-8

Looking for a Soul Mate?

2010-07-20T13:42:00.000-04:00

Recently, my husband's friend got a song cut on a well known soap opera. The title of the song was "Happy." I found it hilarious since that is the last word I would use to describe the life of a soap opera character! When I was in elementary school my mother went back to the working world. After school I walked down the street to my babysitter's home and was the oldest child there by about five years so she let me stay in the living room with her while the younger children napped. During that time she watched Days of Our Lives and well, I did too. I don't remember whether or not I was interested then, but as I grew older and especially when I was too old for a babysitter, but not old enough to work, I watched it during my summer breaks and eventually during my own children's naptimes. That was until, like a switch being flipped, I decided it was a total waste of time and I just couldn't stomach the ridiculous plots and endless parade of characters coming back from the dead.

The soap operas and the fairy tales we've heard, where over and over again, the plot and characters are shuffled and we are presented with the same tale, just revisited with new faces; the names have been changed, but the story remains. These tales have conditioned us to want, to expect the "Once upon a time.....(I met my soul mate who rescued me)....and we lived happily ever after, the end." Then there are supposed 'reality' shows where you can turn on the television to watch the ridiculous mess that ensues when a woman is presented with the world's idea of beautiful, successful men, from which she is to choose a husband. (No, don't. Don't waste your precious time. Really.)

If you do, in fact, want a 'soul mate' for life, act like it! If you know you want to be married one day, strengthen your marriage before it's even begun. No relationship you have before your spouse is going to bring honor to your future marriage. No physical relationship you have before you are married will bring goodness to the relationship you have with your spouse. I do not look fondly upon the time my husband spent with other women before he met me and he doesn't exactly rejoice over any relationships I had before him either. Sure, you'll learn about relationships when you date, but you are basically pretending to be married- the difference is that you have an 'out' because commitment is conditional in the dating relationship. There are ways of getting to know a person without putting yourself in risky situations. What does dating (today) reveal about our view of marriage?!

Looking on my short, but eventful dating life before I met my husband, and watching young girls today - from how they dress to how they spend their time makes me want something more for my children. My desire is for them to honor themselves and use their bodies in ways that are honoring to the Creator. Rather than focusing on who they are to their Maker, today's young women are wrapped up in the guy of the week, the month, or maybe even the year. They become blinded by infatuation, pretending to be 'in love,' trying to convince everyone they've found 'it' while in their gut they see signs of sin and reasons to mistrust - signs that they ignore. A girl who doubts her man's faithfulness driving around trying to see if he is, in fact, where he said he was, is not waking up to the fact that her very going to investigate is a HUGE sign that she should not be in that relationship! The warning signs are there.....but she is blinded. Her standards are lowered and she has settled for last place.

From the time I was very young, I knew I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I wanted a family. The night I met my one-day-would-be husband, I remember thinking there was something different about him. I thought I could see myself marrying someone like him. Getting engaged just a few short months later, then dragging out the engagement for three and a half years while I tried to get through college and convince my family that he was indeed the man I wanted to marry wasn't easy, but I did it. Like most young girls in search of their 'one true love,' I too assumed life would be especially wonderful once I was married. Then. Then my life would start....Then-things would be easier. After all, I'd found 'the one,' my 'soul mate.'

Marriage turned out not to be not so easy. A couple months into newlywed bliss, we learned my mother-in-law had cancer. We spent the first year of our marriage coping with the process of losing her. The second year was a roller coaster; we were still reeling from her death, learned we were expecting our first child and though we wanted me to be home with our children, had no plan of action. The third year of marriage was consumed with job losses, hard to get out of bed sadness, and a lot of tears. I thought I was failing as a wife, a mother, a citizen and a child of God. I thought I was going to have to leave and start over. Instead of giving up, I opened my usually quiet mouth and asked my husband to talk to someone. Thankfully, by God's grace, he did. From that point on our marriage was different...not easy, but different. Today, we're standing together in the midst of some pretty tough life stuff, but we're together and committed.

I've heard so many times 'a marriage is not 50/50 but 100/100.' My experience has taught me that you have to be willing to give 100% even when your spouse is giving Zero and vice versa. The times I didn't think our marriage would survive another day I had to let myself be vulnerable, share my heart and pray. a lot. Thankfully, my husband is committed to doing the same. It's never easy to open your heart, it's never easy to forgive or to seek forgiveness, but if you want a strong marriage that ages with grace and strength, you have to be willing to get down in the trenches when times are tough. I could go on about the difficulties we've faced in each year of our marriage, but you get the point. I hope. Marrying 'the one' does not equal bliss. My husband is a wonderful, gifted, godly man who I love more now than I ever thought was possible. But - he is a man. Just a man. There's no one else who can make me spit nails, but there's no one on this earth I love more. I cannot be a black hole expecting him to fill every need I have.

Why are we all so enamored with Hollywood love stories that have happy endings? Why do we cry when Edward says such beautiful words to the woman he loves? I dare to say, because we believe it's out there for us! And I'll tell you - it is! Only 'it's' not an 'it.' It's Christ! We want the 'soul mate' who's the prince on the white horse, but we're looking in all the wrong places. Christ IS the perfect 'soul mate' and no earthly man can compare! Wake up to the need to re-define 'it' - 'true love,' to re-define what a 'soul mate" is.

We have to change our desire for the fairytale life and desire a biblical one where we are called to commitment and faith. We can be sure that life is going to throw us some messy, dirty, ugly stuff, but when we've chosen a spouse who loves the Lord, and is committed to 'til death do us part,' life becomes about more than what this world has to offer. Be marriage-minded and look for a spouse who will support you and encourage you in your path of sanctification, a spouse for whom you will be happy to do the same. You can stop looking to your spouse to fill the needs in your bottomless pit of a soul. Christ is the ONLY one who can fill you!

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. Johns 15:13

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:10-30

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. Ephesians 5:25-29

Blooming

2010-05-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and I've actually started a few different entries, but haven't been able to wrap them up yet. My experiences over the last couple of days has lead me right back to thoughts on "blooming."

In my recent attempts to keep my aging brain sharp, I've read several Jane Austen books. One concept she often mentions in her main character's quest for the ultimate fulfillment (-marriage-), is the idea of a young lady 'in bloom' when her complexion glows of health around the age of 16 most likely in Austen's day, or 'past the bloom' when the face begins to thin and lose its radiance.... Lately, I recognize that by Austen's pen I would be considered past my 'bloom,' In the mirror I often only see the increasing quantity of gray hairs on my head, the lack of bounce back from my dimples after a smile, and many other issues that any mother who has housed four children would have unless she's Brooke Burke.

In my growing desire to turn back the clock, to better my image, improve my physique and self-esteem, I have begun to make some small changes in my life. My wardrobe (and my confidence) was given a boost when my sweet mom took me shopping on a recent visit. This week trying to take baby steps to better health, I switched to fat-free half and half and a natural sugar substitute in my coffee - that didn't last because my taste buds revolted! I was pleased with my latest "Great" chain store haircut and thought the finishing touch would be some highlights in my once sandy blonde turned dingy brown hair. Ever aware that our family is on a shoestring budget, I am a bargain hunter, not cheap, but thrifty, buying store brand foods, using coupons, and always perusing the clearance racks for clothing bargains.

When I passed a home highlighting kit on clearance, I couldn't resist. I had somewhat successfully pulled this off in the past, so the next morning, after I got two of my children off to school, I began the process (with my two little ones running around my feet). I proceeded through the process, realized I totally left out one entire bottle of ingredients. I attempted to correct the problem, but when I removed the cap from my head, I was stunned by the skunk meets leopard effect from my bangs to my crown where the bleaching agent had leaked through the holes in the cap..As the panic began to rise, my sweet husband lied to me, telling me it didn't look bad. My despair grew when the loneliness of having been in a new city for less than a year and not knowing anyone off hand to help me fix the problem hit me. I called the number on the product's box and was instructed to purchase two separate products, combine them in a certain formula, apply, and my hair would be restored. As soon as my kids were home and playdates were over, donning my hat, we raced out to buy the solution that would make my hair my natural color again. Putting off my children, I speedily opened the products and began the process. What should have taken 30 minutes, ended up stealing away an hour and a half and resulted in a lovely (insert sarcasm here) shade of brassy red! Ugh! On a good note, I no longer looked skunk-like and was able to go out into public with my hair in plain view - yet was still convinced that everyone was looking at it in disgust.

This morning I ran into a salon that a friend recommended and got a reasonable quote that I could afford (this week) and scheduled my appointment.

While I could not hit 'redo,' 'undo,' or 'control z' to rewind and start this whole event over, making the choice to bypass the big $5 bargain that was now costing me WAY more, I sat in the hydraulic chair at the salon enjoying the quiet around me. The sweet stylist restored me to a much more flattering look (I'll still probably have to go back one more time to get closer to my original hair color) that I am presently content with.

Reflecting on this whole mess I created, I see how pitiful I felt when I was responsible for my ridiculous appearance, and wasted a whole day nearly in tears, unable to wholly respond to the needs of my children, consumed by embarrassment and shame. While my kids and I had been in the store, I began to see growing discontent in them over things they wanted but didn't have. By the time we got back in the van, I was in mommy lecture mode explaining the need to be thankful for what we do have. In mid-sentence I was hit with the realization that all my mess stemmed from my own discontented heart. I removed my cap to show them this very tangible example of where my own discontented heart had led.

For months, one of the verses I've posted in our home is "...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (I Thessalonians 5:16-18) It's obvious I hadn't hidden it in my own heart while I was preaching it to my children.

I'm not saying I will stop attempting to present my best, but I do want to be God's best from the inside out. I won't get that on the clearance rack or the department store, in the makeup aisle or the beauty shop. I'll only get it through the sanctifying work of Christ blooming in me. THAT's what I desire for my children and my husband to SEE. That's how I want to age, in a growing grace and love for my savior, every day more and more....

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus....Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. I Thessalonians 5:16-23

Sinner & Hypocrite

2010-03-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I pray or read my Bible or even when I go to church, I doubt. I doubt big-time...even the words from my own mouth sometimes seem foreign, like science fiction. Doubt and fear knock at my door daily - especially when I know there are so many circumstances out of my control. I can plan and prepare a meal, buying all the right ingredients, follow the recipe to the letter all the while thinking I am somehow in control. And I DO want control. of everything within my reach: my home, my children's health and behavior, my husband's health and behavior, the budget, the car I drive, the prices at the store or at the pump, even my hair...I do. I want control. I want the power and the ability to prevail in every circumstance, yet I cannot.

I am a sinner. I am a hypocrite. I believe one thing and do and even think another. That is the very essence of why I need the perfect Savior.

Peel away the layers of legalism and twisted teachings of some individuals and churches who pick and choose what they follow, get to the truth of the Bible as a whole and you get the 'vanilla gospel.' The human being is a liar, fool and idolater. The Christian is a hypocrite. The Christian believes in certain morality, yet in his or her human state, cannot ever perfectly conform to the requirement of holiness. The inability of the human being to attain perfect morality leads to outcry for a savior - THE Savior.

Not long ago, my son asked me "Mommy, why does God let there be sin?" Whoa...that was a big one and I didn't have an answer in my back pocket. Saying a silent prayer for wisdom, the words escaped my lips and it was I who came to a greater understanding. I asked my son to think of how he feels when he's been outside playing in the summer heat, sweaty and stinky, covered in dirt and mud, then he comes in to take a nice warm shower, coming out squeaky clean. I noted that he wouldn't know what it means to be truly, deeply clean if he didn't know what it had meant to be dirty. That's how sin is - dirty, evil, self-centered...and it reminds us how deeply and truly holy our Creator is. I do believe He allowed sin to enter this world so that His holiness would be so clear, so evident and in that realization would come a beacon for hope and our true source of redemption - Christ.

Simply stated, God IS perfectly holy; humans are not. Offended yet? No one - Christian or not- wants to hear they need something or someone other than self to provide right standing before God! The gospel IS offensive to our very being. No method or philosophy that teaches that one can attain some higher level of consciousness actually deals with the root and consequence of sin, nor does it deal with the solution. As long as there is a human - there is sin and temptation -temptation of the mind to hate another, to lust after another, to covet the stuff of this world, temptation of the hands to promote self (even when working for good wanting praise and promotion), the temptation of the tongue to slander another, to lie for self gain, to puff self up.

All I have to do is be alone with my own thoughts for a moment to see that even when my words or hands "do good" my thoughts are only self-motivated, my selfish heart wants praise and I want credit for any "good" I do.

What this sinner & hypocrite must realize is that credit is not due to self - an unholy, unworthy hypocrite. Credit/praise/glory is due to the God of Heaven and Earth, the God of all visible and invisible. And you can bet that He is jealous for His glory.

My/Your/the human inability to be perfect is the very reason we cannot stand before the mysteriously perfect, holy, just God with all our blemishes and walk away having somehow "earned" a prize. But Christ, who was mysteriously fully man and fully God was all those things - perfect, holy, sinless - the One who even defeated !death! was and IS the solution for the sinner. The Bible teaches that the one who believes in Christ is saved not for what he or she has done, but because of what Christ has done on his or her behalf. When God looks at me, a believer, He sees the perfect work of Christ and has removed my sins as far as the east is from the west. (Psalm 103:12) The 'vanilla gospel' is that I am a sinner and a hypocrite, unable to be righteous to be justified before God and Jesus has ALREADY paid for all that I have done, am doing, or ever will do! Thank goodness- thank Jesus that it was never up to me!

Like the bud anticipating Spring, beginning to open, yet stifled by sleet and snow, the believer (despite the bumps and bruises along the way) is already unmoved on the path of glorious victory. I will stray, I will doubt, but HIS work has already been done in me.

I encourage those of you who are not familiar with the Bible, or who have never considered or investigated the big picture of the Bible, from Genesis to Revelation to do so. The book of Romans in the New Testament is a wonderful place to start. The Jesus Storybook Bible is a beautifully simplified storybook that paints a good big picture of the Bible. Explaining how God brought His people under the law first to show them how law keeping was impossible in our human state - yet!- He promised them a Savior and He delivered Christ to bring His people under grace.

So yes, I am still a sinner and still a hypocrite. My faith should not drive me to judge, but rather to love because by the grace of Jesus Christ through faith I am forgiven. There IS freedom in Christ that no one else, no thing in this world can EVER provide.

Romans 8:1-3
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.

Psalm 103:11-13 (New International Version)

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

Romans 3:24-26 (New King James Version)
24 being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, 26 to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

Hebrews 2:16-18 (New King James Version)
16 For indeed He does not give aid to angels, but He does give aid to the seed of Abraham. 17 Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. 18 For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.

Pageantry

2010-03-02T09:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, I was. A Pageant girl.....Wearing my aunt's pastel blue, ruffly prom dress, this quiet, barely-in-high-school girl entered the pageant at the local fair, based mostly on looks and not much on brains - big surprise there. I don't think I even made the top ten that time, but it was an experience. I went on to enter scholarship pageants at the county level two years in a row, placing in each one. Then I ventured out, having to get sponsors to support my attempt to win at a state level pageant.

My Junior year I entered the "Miss Teen Tennessee Scholarship Pageant." This pageant was the 'real' thing, interview lunches with judges (etiquette in table manners, making sense of numerous eating utensils, and grown up discussion on display), a 'talent' or speech competition, and even my g.p.a was part of my score. My parents, sister, grandparents and extended family came to support me. I was meeting girls from all over the state. Some were kind and well-rounded - the ones I wanted to win- and others would complement my dress to my face, then turn in plain view to make an ugly expression of disgust.

Since I had no obvious talent....I've always been the type to do very well in any number of tasks, only achieving "good" merit never "excellent" (I'm sure my husband and parents would graciously disagree)...I chose to deliver a speech. I spoke of "believing in yourself...putting trust in self." Older and a little wiser now, I know that 'self' leads to destruction... I made it into the top eight out of numerous girls who had displayed excellent talents of piano playing, sign language interpretations, dancing and the like. Next, I would be asked a judge's question on stage.

Called up to the microphone, I walked poised and hopefully prepared. "Where do you see yourself in the next ten years?" the M.C. asked. "Whew, an easy one," I thought. I got a laugh from the audience when I said "Well, first, I plan to graduate from high school." I went on to say "then I plan on graduating from college, getting married and having a family." I began to walk back to the lineup, then realized I was supposed to take a turn at the front of the stage so I turned, did my pageant twirl, and returned to the line of other 'well-rounded' girls.

Looking back I can hear the thoughts of the judges, my family, and the audience: "What?! no mention of career?!"

How telling my answer that day was! I did not place in that pageant. Getting married and having a family are not on the world's agenda for a "good, successful" life, especially in front of the line, ahead of career and 'personal fulfillment.' Every day, I'm becoming more comfortable with disagreeing with the idea that somehow I've shortchanged myself and subdued my life for some lesser existence because I want to be a full-time wife and mother. Most days, if I'm honest, I still need some convincing.

The recent warm weather opened the blooms on the tree in our front yard, but today they are stifled by the sleet and snow. Like that bloom, I often expect that I am on path 'x' to grow and blossom and achieve. In the reality of God's perfect, mysterious ordination of all life, my feet don't always tread on the path I expect. He brings challenges and seasons of stagnation in what looks like life to me - just so He can remind me why I'm here and for whom I am here - what life really IS.

I could say that I chose to get married while I was in college, chose to come home full-time, and chose to have a 'big' family by today's American standards despite the struggles of having a limited budget. I am confident that this path has been chosen for me. I do struggle with not having a big bank account for the security I think I need, or having enough cash to put my kids in all sorts of extracurricular activities. I struggle with not having, not doing, not receiving, not being enough. This culture has expectations that I'll follow a certain list of what it takes to be a good parent or spouse and implies I deserve or will receive something in return.

I see it every day and often sense the unspoken judgement of other parents when I don't conform to what they think I should be doing:
help my child have the best project in the science fair (not letting the child touch it, of course) - check
enlist my child in swimming lessons, music, dance, sports, etc. - check, check, check
take daughter to the mother/daughter event at church - check
have a membership to the family gym - check, check

When I attempt to have, do, receive or be, I fail - every time. I can never perfectly achieve and never receive what my sinful heart thinks I deserve from anyone: husband, child, friend, family, etc. I thank God for giving me grace to not need a to do list. His grace IS sufficient for me!(2 Corinthians 12:9). I must find what I need in HIM and quit seeking it elsewhere...

My senior year of high school, once again, I entered the local county pageant. I won. The prizes were a crown, a basket of perfume, a gift card for a haircut at a local salon, and $250 towards my college education (it barely covered my books the first semester). Winning certainly temporarily boosted my confidence, but today 'the win' and all of those prizes are gone. That earthly crown is broken and in a dump somewhere after living in a bin of little girls' dress up clothes until it was beyond repair. Today, that win and all those prizes are literally rubbish.

I know that the legacy I leave my children, good or bad, is not! What must I do today to ensure that I leave a legacy, a crown on their hearts after I've left this world? Do I instill in them a drive for education? fame? fortune? No. Sure, I'm a huge proponent of education and would love for each of my four children to have a college degree, fame is overrated, and I do desire for them to be good money managers, but even those things won't give them what their hearts most need. My children will see me worship - but what? Each of us does worship some thing. What will I worship? or rather Whom will I worship?

I don't want to give my children a "Life's To Do List;" I want to leave a legacy of faith where they don't see what I did, but what Christ did in me. I must model trust in the One who made me, provides for me, and will give me the only crown I and they shall EVER need.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

I Peter 5:4 And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.

Matthew 6:19-34

19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust [5] destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, 23 but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [7] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

What Makes Me Happy?

2010-02-17T16:39:00.000-05:00

I welcomed the four day long weekend and the snow that came with it last week. Monday I ventured out of the house with my three girls in tow, and headed to the store to stock up on groceries ahead of the second blast of snow in the forecast. I love to peruse the endcaps of this particular store looking for a bargain on their orange clearance tags. My eight year old was chatting away non-stop and my two little ones continually dropped their treasured blankies under my feet. In that store there was a little whining and crying albeit brief. Then we went on to Trader Joe's to see what yummies we could find there. More than one time older women made comments like "that's a bunch" or "you've got your hands full!" Agitated, I responded happily "I have one more at home!" And then there was my three year old's loud "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?" question after being assisted by a young lady who was clearly of an "alternate lifestyle." On the way out my three year old could have cared less about my directions to "stay close to Mommy, we're in the parking lot." At home, naptime was complicated and my son decided to ante up a not-so-pleasing attitude. That night I prayed that the next day would be better.

Getting back into the routine on Tuesday proved to be a challenge for this family of six. Surprisingly, I managed to rise without hitting the snooze button and had a master acheivement of getting a shower before the kids awoke. I had some more grocery items to purchase to complete the ingredient list for some new recipes I wanted to try and again, had several errands to run. My older two were off to school and the younger girls and I were ready to get going. We went on a mini field trip to the pet store, which they loved, and after more frustration with the will of my three year old, we headed onto the store next door. There, my three year old who had just pottied at home asserted that yes, she did have to potty again. After attempting to open the locked bathroom in the back of the store, we had to go to the front to obtain the key which was attached to a rather large bouy of some sort. I lugged my two year old who was wearing her slick and puffy coat still on one hip with large key contraption in hand and held my three year old's hand in the other. Of course after all that, she didn't have to potty....By the time we made it back to the van less than an hour later, I...well, let's just say I had a wardrobe malfunction that took more than a minute to fix in the car. Internally, I was a mess and continued to spiral into a pit of frustration and agitation for the remainder of the day. I could feel my blood pressure rising and felt adrenaline pumping through my blood. My husband had missed out on all the 'fun' for the last few nights - and again tomorrow night because of work meetings. This is all in a week when one child has an oral book report to give in costume, another has an Abe Lincoln log cabin to build, and I am in charge of eight first graders during an all day trip to the zoo on Friday.
Needless to say, I've been overwhelmed.

Exhausted just from the days behind me and from thinking about the days ahead, as soon as the last child was tucked in bed, I attempted to escape. I locked myself in my room with a glass of wine and a bubble bath, my favorite home design magazines piled high beside the tub. I opened the December 2009 issue of Domino magazine -my all time favorite one which was recently discontinued (boo!)- to a page entitled "10 Things That Make Me Happy." The items: a porcelain teapot, "huggable" hangers, an electric citrus press, linen sheets, suede boots, a $70 gallon of paint, a leather bag, a retro shower head, the city of Florence and a bottle of Champagne.

I began to consider what makes me happy....Is it Trader Joes' dark chocolate cover almonds? my family? my husband? my inner confidence? a beautiful home? body image? the events of the day? stylish clothes? the obedience of my children? financial security?

The truth is that I know all of those things will fail me: the almonds will go rancid, my family will hurt me, my husband is a human, my inner confidence is not dependable, I've currently given up on making our rental home pretty, my body will age, the events of any given day are always out of my control, stylish clothes will fade and shrink and eventually go out of style, my children will disobey and sin, and trust me, financial security is relative.

None of the things that come to mind when I think of what I need to be happy are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but using those things to pursue "happiness" is self indulgent nonsense. Seeking everywhere except the throne of God for fulfillment is what I'm really doing when I look to food, beauty and other people for what I truly need from my Creator.

When the things and people in my life do not satisfy and moreover, disappoint, do I wallow in self-pity or do I recognize my sin and MY need for the Savior?!

The last few days and really the last two years almost, have been challenging. During that time we've moved to a new state, been to two funerals of dearly loved ones, gone from homeschooling to private school and back to homeschooling plans for next fall. Physically I am drained, anemic and not getting enough rest. Emotionally, I am on a roller coaster. Spiritually, I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness with no destination. In every realm I am spent. I want peace in my home and my heart and the world, but ultimately will not find it here. I know I've written this before, but the Lord is really hitting this home to me, and maybe to you too. That perfect peace I want is NOT here!! The only way to get close to it is by trying to be more like my Savior. Having a heart like his, hands that want to work for His kingdom, and having my head saturated in His word. Do I love things that are "pure and noble and good" (Philippians 4) or am I looking for satisfaction with self indulgent entertainment from this world? Do you? Are you?

First, I am going to really try to get more rest and exercise.
Then, I'm going to try serve my family well, praying for them and joyfully serving them and disciplining my children for Christ, and not so they will give me something in return (peace, quiet, rest, obedience...)
Lastly, I must faithfully pursue the Word being fulfilled and even entertained by it. God can transform me through His Word yet, I must open it.

One of my dearest pastor's sermons would often dangle me over the pit of hell, making me recognize my wretched heart, yet EVERY time the same sermon would call me to be convinced of my Savior's perfect work on the cross.

I love these verses below....Note how the phrase "But God...." reveals His character. I've also thrown in a Martin Luther quote that is poignant.

"...this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever." 2 Corinthians 7:5-7 (New International Version)

"Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!" Romans 5:7-9 (New International Version)

"But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:19-21 (New International Version)

"So when the devil throws your sins in your face and declares that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: "I admit that I deserve death and hell, what of it? For I know One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is there I shall be also!" "
— Martin Luther