To George On Leaving

More grieving

2018-12-19T12:35:00.001-08:00

Time to grieve some more. I went to a therapist who said it was better to cry thoroughly once in a while than to bottle it up. As I weep for you both I'm also awed that I should be privileged to call you mine. It also feels like I get to see Eternity from the future, in a way. We usually only get to think about our ancestors in Heaven. Love you both so much and am happy you are both well and strong again. Love, Mummy

Larissa's Journey

2018-07-17T20:02:00.001-07:00

WOW! It took some doing to get back into my old blog. I hope it's okay to continue with this one, even though the name should probably be changed. 1 month ago today my second child, my oldest, also succumbed to cancer, at age 41. She leaves behind a beautiful, vivacious, imaginative and bright 6-year old daughter, Violet. I've been sleeping on the couch in her apartment since November and I know I was able to help her hang on longer than if I hadn't come but it's still a devastating blow. We were so SURE she would beat it! We listened to The Secret every day - sometimes several times a day - and were gradually getting her diet switched to Paleo to starve out the cancer but it was a classic tale of "too little, too late" and her body just gave out. Not without a fight, mind you, but now we know she was dying while we thought she was getting better. Through this journey I have met a lot of wonderful, supportive, loving friends of hers. She really impacted everyone she met in a powerful way. I had some really clever things I wanted to say on here but they seem to have flown my mind. Ah, well. Perhaps I'll try again another day.

Another fade

2013-05-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today George's obituary guest book page expired. I've kept it going for 3 years just because . . . and now it's time to let it go. Soon it will be his yahoo email, then, who knows? It's natural & necessary, but still tender. I was reminded how good a man he was in some mail that came yesterday. His presence is still strong at times & I rarely tear up anymore, but I hate that it's all fading, if only because I must go on. Then I remember other friends who have lost children and wonder how I can be so self-serving. It's all so confusing at times. Love you, Gingle. Hope you're having fun "up" there.

Three Years Ago Today

2013-05-02T21:21:00.002-07:00

I haven't posted since last June! Guess we really do move on and I know your big heart is glad for me. I'm not sure if I even mind, myself. I drove down to SLC from Bend today to add to Livvie's flowers & play "Endless Sky" for you. I'll be spending time with Liv tomorrow & Saturday (she's on a date tonight - I'm sure that pleases you :-) ). Then I'll make the long drive home feeling the pilgrimage was as it should have been. You were with me for a few moments today but I sense you're fully occupied where you are. Thanks for taking time to stop by. I love you! Tablet won't let me add a photo of your flowers. I'll do it when I get home.

Muffin's fight begins

2012-06-30T07:39:00.002-07:00

I didn't expect to be so distressed during Larissa's first chemotherapy session, yesterday. The thought railroaded into my brain that, "They're poisoning my baby" & I just couldn't shake it. Finally I sat out in the sun on my lunch break & took out my knitting. Within minutes I was calm and at peace. Then I remembered that knitting was the only thing I could do after you left us. Something about the process, the motion, the gradually growing piece, perhaps the fond memories of past projects, I don't know; it just works - for me, anyway.

She's strong & will make it; I just wish she didn't have to. I commented on her Facebook page that I would gladly take this from her, but maybe I would just be helping a butterfly out of its coccoon.

2012-05-25T21:07:00.002-07:00

Found my old diary; opened to a random page and got this from April 4th, 2010:

". . . the thought came to me that Heavenly Father doesn't always ask us to do what we think we can, sometimes He asks us to do what we know we can't. That's how He gets to touch and strengthen our lives."

Another wound has opened

2012-05-24T19:58:00.001-07:00

Just as I felt myself passing another round of healing from your loss a new wound opens up. Our beloved Muffin has been diagnosed with breast cancer and faces surgery, possibly combined with radiation & chemotherapy. Unlike your case, her chances of survival are good - in the 90% range - but the blow is starting to sink me. She seems to be holding up well, and we WILL get through this; I just wish we didn't have to :-(

The caption for this picture reads, "The only thing that matters". For her that is one person; for me it is two. Thank you for being where you are, watching over us and walking beside us in your kind, gentle way.

Your headstone looks great!

2012-05-06T08:06:00.002-07:00

I had to wait to post the photo I took until I got home because my tablet has difficulty with pictures, but your dad & sister, Olivia, picked a nice, simple headstone with snapdragons on it. The only thing I would have liked to add would have been the one scripture I told myself I would put on a headstone if the Unthinkable happened and I lost a child:

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

I am surprised at the closure this little monument brings. I feel the cycle of grief has been completed in some way & I can move on to the rest of my life while still revering yours. It's like I don't feel I have to keep checking up on you any more. I will still miss you (always) and go to visit when I can, but some part of the wound in my heart has been healed.

Arohanui, Gingle.

2012-04-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Coming to see you in 2 days! Your dad has ordered a headstone so we won't just have that lonely patch of grass to sit by :-) Muffin is bringing Violet & we will all cry together - and laugh as much as we can. The Jorge Platter at Salazar's is DEFINITELY on the menu. Thanks for the gentle visits. I really appreciate them.

Almost 2 years; seems like a day!

2012-03-25T11:27:00.001-07:00

Missing you lots today. It started yesterday when I went into the Safeway store near our old apartment. I felt your absence in that familiar place more than I have for months. Today I sit in Sacrament meeting remembering the one time I heard you bless the sacred emblems, then the last time we took it together in your room at the hospital. You couldn't eat that day, but we held hands. I know this moment will pass, but I find myself wanting every moment I had with you back; now; all at once. Plus all the years I missed. See you soon (in God's time).

Peace, at last

2012-02-18T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's taken 21 months, but the past few days have seemed happier than the previous 500-or-so. A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I think he was speaking to me:

I need the scars to remind me of my Father's care for me. It's personal.

Happy Birthday

2012-01-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

I want to say so much, but I want to say it to YOU, so I think I'll just stay quiet & "Try A Smile"

I'd rather be at the Temple than at work, but it's closed on Mondays & work isn't ;-)

Another change

2012-01-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

Wow! I actually found myself thinking of you dying & found myself SMILING! Does that mean "acceptance" has finally taken hold? Maybe it's that I am finally back to reading scriptures every day. It could be that panoramic view of life through the ages is helping me see your leaving as the happy progression it is meant to be. Still wish I could talk with you about it.

Love you!

You loved Christmas

2011-12-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted for a while; running out of things to say, I guess, but I miss you every day. Can't imagine how your sister & dad do it, still living in the place you all shared. I don't cry much anymore, but today was a tough one. Every hymn we sang at Church reminded me of you. It started with the opening hymn. I know it's about Jesus, but phrases were so YOU! "He came down to earth from heaven" reminded me of the day you were born. "With the poor, and mean, and lowly" - that house you were born in was ours, but it was humble, indeed! "And our eyes at last shall see him" oh; no explanation needed!! Even the sacrament hymn touched my heart (and eyes) with "Once a meek and lowly lamb" - you were soooo mild, kind & gentle! and, "Once he suffered grief and pain" - I guess your headaches grew unbearably in those last few weeks. "Joy To The World" is, again, about the Savior, but OOHH, how I will rejoice to see you again! "Silent Night" again took me back to the incredible moment of your birth. I remember all five births; documented each one in my journals, but since your passing yours has stayed more in my memory. Then, as if that wasn't enough, I got the distinct impression you had gathered the old Boffey family choir from your side of the veil to sing with me. It was fun, but sooo hard to bear. Keep singing, child; you only did it quietly on earth but I'm sure those Boffeys have been coaching you up to full volume :-)

Unexpected grieving

2011-10-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

I surprised myself today. I was in a progress interview at work. Don't like 'em; just want to get on with my job. Don't feel it's my responsiblity to assess myself for them. Anyway, for some reason I got emotional & blurted out how much I miss you; that I have never felt I've taken enough time to mourn. Then I had to admit that even if I spent a year on a Tibetan mountain it probably wouldn't be long enough. I think I probably shocked some people when I recently posted on Facebook that, "Seeing the Savior will be nice, but being with George, now THAT will be Heaven" but it's true. The Savior is always with us; you are not. At least, not the way you were.

We just had a marvelous General Conference. I remember the ones we watched together. Several messages were about hope and there being no room for despair in the Gospel but the one that spoke to me most was when a Seventy described how he was feeling overwhelmed with his new responsibilities & as Pres. Monson saw him looking at the floor he told him, "I always find it's better to look up."

So I will try, dear boy, to look up. Most of the time :-)

Not writing much these days

2011-09-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

I live with my new Galaxy tablet (you would have liked it) & it won't let me post anymore, so I rarely sit at the laptop. Anyway, I still miss you and want more than anything to be with you but I have determined I must walk the path I have been given without you. It hurts, but that's just the way it is.

I stopped by with your Aunt Janet a couple of weeks ago. We were on a 3-week trek and now she's home in England. She didn't know you well but loves you, as do we all. We took time to go to Ida's restaurant & talk about you. Ida misses you sooo much. Good people have good friends.

You will never be forgotten by anyone who has met you :-)

Visiting your grave

2011-07-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

I stopped by to visit you on my way out of Salt Lake this morning. The only flower I could afford was an orange Day Lily blossom from outside your dad's apartment. I had put it there when Livvie & I went by last night. It was already wilted but I repositioned it defiantly, hoping the sprinklers would revive it a little.

Then I sat in my little blue car and cried for you. For the thousandth time I longed to change places with you; surely your beautiful, funny presence would serve this world more effectively than my failing grace? But that is not our call, so we move on; me back to an increasingly hum-drum life in Oregon and you to whatever tasks await the Blessed.

I love you, not-so-baby boy.

Another month goes by

2011-07-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking the grieving is over; then I start to miss the grieving itself! Tonight I was putting some family photos in a new frame because the old, dearly beloved one had fallen apart. I broke one of the pieces of glass and was in tears instantly. I NEEDED to get that one little job done so I could hang your picture back on the wall of our home.

Every time I think I've left you behind I find myself starting all over again at stage 1: Denial. Oh, Gingle, if you only knew; but you probably do. I miss you and am SOOO proud of you for your progress to a life I can still only dream about. I will make it to you; I PROMISE!

Black ribbons

2011-06-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

Pink ribbons make me sad. I know I could wear one for 'Rissa's victory over Hodgkins Lymphoma, but what do I wear for George? Everybody gets so all-fired-up about beating cancer or knowing someone who did. Some of us don't feel so lucky. Some of us have to go on empty-handed, with nothing but fading memories of lives NOT lived; at least, not lived long enough.

Survivor's guilt, loss, anger, all those things slow me down. People have told me how brave I am and how well I am handling this.

They have no idea!

I miss your voice

2011-06-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Just minding my own business, working away, when suddenly I find myself craving the sound of your voice. We have no recordings; no home movies; nothing but flat paper photographs. Didn't figure we would ever need them because you would always be there. Why, oh WHY didn't we take the time/effort to preserve more of you for ourselves? What if I wake up one day and don't remember the soft sound of the gentle sibilance you inherited from your father? How can we recapture what is lost? How do we move on without tearing ourselves apart.

I know I will see you again, but I want you back, NOW.

Grief and Love

2011-05-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

I read this in Desert News online today:

"Grief is love's shadow. If you are going to love, you have to put up with grief sooner or later, but grief intensifies love. Grief drives love into the deeper parts of your soul and being." S.Michael Wilcox

Amen, Bro. Wilcox!

A friend of mine has joined you

2011-05-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, Wiremu Peeni, joined you in Heaven last week. I knew him in High School & met him again for the first time since then when I came to Salt Lake for your surgery, two years ago. I had SUCH a crush on him in school but he never knew. Thought I was a terrible snob because of that darn shyness I passed on to you. We sang in the choir together and shared the stage in a couple of school musicals. He went on to become a music teacher in Alaska, then moved to Salt Lake a few years back. He was living in St. George when he died, trying to save the money to go home to Aotearoa. If you meet him, give him my love. He was a Very Good Man, indeed. Wish I could be there; it's getting to be a fun place!

Another week away from you

2011-05-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write anymore. That makes me sad. Perhaps there are no more words, just feelings. Perhaps I'm healing. Mostly I'm just living, trying to find sufficient joy in life on earth to warrant a place at your side when it is done. Can't wait to meet your baby nephew/niece. Go by and warn him/her about us, will you? :-)

Mummy

Rain and Sunshine

2011-05-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Couldn't help thinking of you last night as an amazing ray of sunlight shone through the light, refreshing rain shower falling around our house. Is your leaving a burst of sunshine or a drowning, drenching rain? Rain for us; sunshine for you; coping with both requires a balance I don't always find, but this photo reminds me that one brings beauty to the other, whichever way we feel.

I love you beyond words, worlds or eternities.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was another Mother's Day. Not so hard as last year, just after losing you, and also not so hard as the years spent away from you and your siblings living so far from me when you were young, but still a little hard. I heard from everyone but you, and felt your large, warm presence a little throughout the day. We went out through Sisters, past the Subway store you worked at so proudly, and out to Suttle Lake, where you, Livvie & I had been together a few times. Scott & I built a fire by the lake and sat reading aloud together. Then we came back through Sisters & splurged on dinner at a restaurant we hadn't tried before. It was delicious, but I didn't go anywhere near the Habanero sauce you would have guzzled down; I'm not THAT brave ;-)

Hope you're busy being happy & happy being busy. Think of us all; we need your prayers so much more than you need ours, now.