To Live An Extraordinary Life

On Respect and Personal Conversations

2010-10-06T14:58:00.002-04:00

In the past week or so I’ve run into a couple of issues where people have repeated very personal conversations between myself and whoever the other party was. Usually part of the conversation is taken out of context, misrepresented or is a highly emotional conversation that was never intended to be communicated beyond the parties involved. The worst part about all of this is that it leads to questions from third parties, or a lot of joking around about somewhat sensitive subjects, and finally hurt feelings and questions of respect for my personal privacy and right to express myself freely with people who I trust.

Here’s the thing, I don’t mind the occasional poke to the ego, but if I’ve been emotional with you about something, or stretched myself to have a conversation and honest discussion about a topic I’m not one hundred percent sure of, please understand that I struggle at the best of times to express how I feel or what I think. When how I feel about whatever the subject is becomes the butt of a joke, I feel stupid, or like how I feel is somehow less valid. I know that the conversations aren’t being shared with this intention, but when I tell you how I feel about it, perk up your ears and listen. Try not to add insult to injury by telling me that being upset about it is silly.

All of this is made worse by the fact that the third party has often been someone who I personally would never have shared the conversation with for many reasons. Maybe I’m a worry wart, but I hate it when there is a conversation had about me, that could change someone’s opinion of me, and no one thinks to provide the context so that I don’t sound like a raging lunatic. Everything is about perception, sure, but every once and a while, the speaker has control of how things are perceived by putting a spin on the information.

A family photo and a fear...

2010-08-25T22:00:00.094-04:00

This photo was taken at my family picnic, August 14th, 2010. My biggest fear at the moment is that after I come out to my family, it will be the last one I appear in.

When I initially started to sort out my sexuality and where I really felt like I fit, who I actually wanted to be with, and how I felt about the community, I had a coversation with E where I said that coming out to my family would be super easy. I talked to her about the fact that my parents are amazing and have stood by me through all my horrible teenage years where I was a temper tantrum throwing, highly hormonal, and generally evil little girl. I told her about my mom and I eventually becoming friends, and how great my dad is. I told her that my brother and I used to be so close as children and how we're a little more distant now, but at the end of the day he really has my back and wants me to be happy, he just has a ~~weird~~ ~~backwards~~ different way of showing it. I really thought that they would just say, "Yeah, we saw that coming. Congratulations on finally figuring it out." I hoped that tht would be the response, probably because that's the response I got from my friends.

I told my closest girlfriends right away when I started dating L, and said, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not going back to dating guys. I really like being with a girl. It makes more sense to me. I'm happy." While stuff wasn't perfect with L and I, the idea of being with another woman, well, there was just a *click* moment. Their response, "Yeah, that makes sense. I'm glad you're figuring yourself out. Whatever makes you happy, it makes me happy." I love the fact that I have such open minded and supportive friends, did I mention that? Thanks girls, for being so awesome!

After that, I started to tell the guys in my life. To be honest, the guys' responses were a little more varied. To start with, a lot of the best guy friends in my life, I've dated them. In retrospect, I think that I was probably confusing my feelings for them. I liked them as much as I liked any guy, but I was never really in love with any of them, but I digress.

Some of the guys I told said, "Yup, saw that coming. Happy for you, enjoy." Others said, "Are you sure? I could help you sort that out if you'd like." One even said, "Yeah, I've known since you were 15, but we were having such a great time together that I didn't have the heart to tell you." Thanks dude. Way to give me the heads up. Ah well. C'est la vie.

The more I talk to people about coming out to my family, the more they tell me their own stories. Some of them are fabulously understanding, some of them are not. I listen to other people tell me not to expect them to be okay right away, that it might take them some time to come around, and it may not be a week we're talking about here. The thing is, I spent a lot of time very distant from my family as a teenager. I struggled without them, and I'm not sure I want to do it again. I'm nervous that telling them that I'm a girl who likes girls, that I'm gay, will cost me the relationship I finally have with them.

Further to all of this, my relationship with my brother is tenuous at best. He and I don't see eye to eye when we discuss the world. He is not the most open minded person. He is quite elitest, pretentious, and even been known to be more than a little bit rascist. It's not a big leap to expect him to react badly to me being gay. I'm concerned not only that he will cut ties with me over this, but also that he will make it hard for my parents to have a relationship with me.

My parents and my brother are my closest relatives. They're biologically tied to me, and genetically predisposed to love me, and I'm not sure that's enough. So, what does that say about the rest of the people in that picture? They're aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents and a great-grandparent. They're second cousins, and the children of all of the above. I grew up with a huge extended famly who I have always been very close to. If I am not sure that my parents and brother will still be in my life after I come out, how can I even begin to speculate what my family's response will be on a larger scale?

Part of me feels incredibly selfish for being so concerned about how their reactions will impact me, and for being less concerned about how this news impacts them. Part of me thinks that not all of them really need to know, but I know how my family functions and once I tell my aunts, the news will spread very quickly.

At the end of the day, I'm going to have to tell my parents and family in order to be able to move forward. I am reaching a point where I feel like it is important for my life with my family and my life as I live to to be congruent, and as much as I like to have a plan I won't have any control or imput into what the outcome will be, and I suppose that's what is scary.

On Personal Time...

2010-08-24T23:39:00.001-04:00

Us human beings, we're funny creatures. We spend our lives filling time with people and stuff so that we don’t feel alone. We buy things we don’t need and avoid spending time alone at all costs to the point that when we land ourselves in some alone time or personal time, it can feel smothering.

I used to spend a lot of time alone. When I lived in Oshawa I spent probably 90% of the time that I wasn’t working alone, and it was fabulous. It gave me lots of time to work out, to spend time writing, reflecting and being comfortable with myself.

My life changed very quickly and I was living with my aunt to help raise my cousin, and I had significantly less personal time, but I did still manage to make time for some, but suddenly landed in a position where I probably only had 30% of my time as alone time. That was still enough for me considering the circumstances, and I was fairly comfortable with that, because I wasn’t working the kind of hours I am now.

Now I’m working 40+ hours a week on a rotation that is forever in flux. I feel like I have blinked and missed the better part of the last ten months. Between work and sleep I don’t really have a lot of time to just be alone, and sort out where I’m at. I have been writing, but doing it from work which doesn’t quite have the same effect.

I don’t even think I really realized how little time I have that is time to just be, and now I’ve landed in a position where I have a whole world of it, and it’s sort of nice. I’m working a lot, but I have a little bit of time to think about all the stuff that has been going on in my life and try to sift through all the details. I have been very all over the place lately with what I want out of life and how I get there.

I need to spend some time setting goals and mapping out a plan to figure out how to land where I want to. I need to have some conversations with family about the fact that I’m gay, and start dealing with the outcome of that. I initially thought that I would tell them and it would be a super easy conversation, and now I’m not so sure. Probably just nerves, I hope. I also need to decide if I’m going to fly out to British Columbia to reconnect with my sister and meet my niece.

While suddenly being submerged in so much alone time is a little overwhelming, I have a lot to think about. So many decisions in our lives, in my life, all of which require some personal time; perhaps it’s a necessity that we, as people, don’t respect or prioritize often enough.

Two weeks...

2010-08-23T19:24:00.001-04:00

E has gone to Cuba for two weeks, and this leaves me with way too much time on my hands. I didn't realize how much time we spent together until I spent 24 hours alone. It's not like when she stays at a friend's place overnight, or when she goes to her sister's place because when that happens we spend the better part of the night texting, or at the very least she'll check in a few times and vice versa when I'm away. Right now I find myself totally without her.

She didn't take her phone at all and if she's lucky she'll manage to get online once or twice out of the whole two weeks, so while I could send her a few emails, there is a good chance that she won't get them until she gets back. End result, I have to find something else to do and someone else to do it with for the next little while.

It's funny because I actually had no idea how much we're in constant contact. I kept checking my phone last night because I actually thought it might be broken, I'm used to it ringing much more often.

So, what am I going to do with my spare two weeks? Well, I have to find something to do, I suppose. My current list is fairly boring:

Finish knitting the baby sweater for a friend of mine
Clean and organize the apartment completely
Get rid of unwanted / unneeded furniture and clothing
Grocery shop for the first time in God knows how long
Work, of course
Catch up on some much needed sleep
Get a tanning membership at my gym, and try to get some 'sun' because I'm so pale that I'm pretty much translucent.
Try to blog once a day for the complete 14 days
Hit the gym every couple of days
G&T night at Moxies on Friday

I think that will probably eat up the better part of my time, but I'm also looking for some other suggestions, especially for the upcoming weekend. I was supposed to start my new job this week, but it has been pushed back until the Tuesday after Labour Day, which means that I'll still be working a rotation during this time, which is fairly frustrating. I was really hoping to have started a regular schedule. Ah well, c'est la vie.

Anyhow, two weeks to reflect, eh? Should be interesting.

On moving on...

2010-08-20T09:52:00.000-04:00

Amongst all the drama of late in my life, I’ve neglected to mention some great news. I applied for a new position within my company, and got the word a little over a week ago that I was successful. Starting on September 3, 2010, I’ll be a scheduling manager. Here’s the best news, the job comes with a new schedule, including straight days, weekends off. That is going to help with establishing some sort of routine in my life for myself, the pup, and maybe even my gym membership. It’s great news.

While the new job is fabulous, there is a lot of risk involved, including starting over with a probationary period, and the fact that this particular branch manager has had three scheduling managers under him in less than a year. I’m going to do my level best to see it as a challenge rather than an axe hanging over my head.

As much as I’ve loved the time I’ve spent in my current role, I feel like it’s time to make a move. Recently there have been a lot of problems in my department stemming from politics, and hurt feelings. People are very tired from working rotation and everyone’s respective fuses are just running a little bit short, which only further escalates the issue, and now everyone is out for number one, and not putting the team first. That’s both frustrating and exhausting for all involved, and not a positive environment for me.

I’ve definitely made some mistakes in my current position and contributed to my own struggles in a lot of ways. I got a little big for my britches, and more than a little cocky, and overstepped more boundaries than I really new existed. I decided at some point that I was entitled to a promotion within the department, and my own innate ability to piss of those around me by bulldozing what is right, in my opinion, severely stunted my potential in this team.

I made the mistake of not just keeping my head down, my mouth shut, and doing the job as well as I knew how to do it. At the end of the day, had I have done that, this would be a whole different world for me right now. I was very good at the job, but I struggle with people, which for the record isn’t an excuse. Just being a bitch, that’s not actually okay. As much as I often write it off as, “It’s just how I am, like it or lump it,” if I took a second to think before I speak most days, and to consider the tone in which I do speak, I would cut my legs out from under myself less often.

So, in moving on, there are some things I’m going to need to remember. I’m going to have to try to keep my mouth shut just long enough to consider what I’m saying before it escapes my lips. I will need to be conscious of the fact that sometimes it doesn’t matter if you are right, because “right” is subjective. I’m going to need to focus on choosing my battles wisely, because I will only get to choose a few.

I will have absolutely zero clout or credibility when I arrive in the new position, and that will have to be earned, and if I make the same mistakes I did here, that will never happen. Sometimes you have to grow up just a little in order to move on.

Losing track...

2010-08-02T03:42:00.000-04:00

My sincere apologies for the mopey tone of my previous blog. Not much to be done about it now, but at the moment I was writing it everything seemed hopeless. Today, not so much. I suppose the world always looks better after a little bit of sleep.

I've had some time to think, and a little bit of time to myself, and I've come to some startling realizations. I think I've spent the last few months losing track of the bigger picture. I'm not sure how it happened. I got so caught up in everything with E while it was good, that when things started to fall apart, I've just realized that I have not much left in my world besides her.

Part of what is making everything so hard is that I have been leaning so hard on her, that I have let everyone else fall by the wayside. Usually when you're going through a breakup or a hard time with someone you're seeing, you have other friends to go so that you can talk about it. You have other people to bounce things off of, and these friends will tell you when you need a reality check. Your friends help you find that the line between fighting harder and letting go.

Right now, all I really have is E.

L is tied up in her own life, and A is working 80 hours a week, with me being on rotation, I don't get to see her. I can't even get drinks with C, because that is usually contingent upon me taking a shift or two at court so that we can force our schedules to line up, and with the rotation I haven't had the time to take a case at court, and S is actually E's ex girlfriend, and E is asking me to respect a boundary there, and to not get involved with her.

I've been talking through all of this with E, over and over and over. I think we may have actually talked it to death, and to say that is impressive because I'm a chatty girl.

It's hard to sort out where we are at because we keep saying that we're going to gear down, get back to basics and try to be friends first, and maybe build back up to where we were at. The thing is, we didn't really have a lot of build up the first time around. We just sort of jumped in at "casual" which was really not as casual as either of us wanted to admit, and skipped over the friends stage. She was there to hold my hand for my first few times in the community, and to talk me through sorting out the fact that I'm gay, and that it's not just a phase, but she did it from a place that was hurtling towards being a relationship. I can never thank her enough for being there through everything we have seen in the past few months, and for showing me the things she has, but unfortunately I lost track of everything else because I was so self involved.

Now, I'm thinking it's time for some perspective. Maybe we don't actually know how to be friends outside of work and dating. Sometimes I think that we're awesome friends if we can avoid talking about all the drama and work for a while, but I also know that it is so rare that we have those moments because work and personal issues have permeated everything between us.

Further to that, I wonder if I've gotten into a negative pattern with E. We keep fighting over and over about everything that has happened, and I keep trying to make things better with her, trying to fix things, trying to make her not hurt and to be happy, but no matter how honest I am with her, I feel like I'm trying to make myself fit what she is looking for. I feel like I'm submitting and contorting and trying to shrink myself down to cram into the space that she has allotted to me at this point because that's what she needs, and I'm not honouring what I need, which is space to stretch and figure out myself, and what I need to do to be happy as well.

So, today I spent some time by myself, really by myself. I napped, I got a pedicure and a facial, I watched some TV, and hung around with the cat and dog. I gave all of these goings on some thought. I made some decisions, and had some tough conversations. I text-ed L to try and make some plans, because I miss her. I spoke with A briefly, and had a good laugh. I've emailed C to try and set a date for drinks.

I feel like I have lost track of why I'm doing this, whether I really think that we should be together, or whether neither of us really wants to be alone. I have a thousand question right now, and not a lot of answers about where we stand, and where we should go from here, but the main issue is this: In all of this, I jumped in way too fast and too hard with E. I shouldn't have been falling so hard after three months. I let go too quickly, and fell too hard. I started fighting for something at the expense of my own sense of self, and my own community and relationships. I have risked my job and my peace of mind over and over again for the two of us, and in doing that, I lost track of my friends, my life outside of E and I, and myself.

Longing...

2010-07-31T13:16:00.000-04:00

Been a while since I've sat down to write anything, largely because I've been so bogged down in all the hostility going on at work, and a lot of drama going on in my life. It's frustrating because as hard as I fight to try and fix what is going on, it seems like I just keep going backwards.

There are a lot of things going on that make me miss what was so desperately that I can taste it. It's frustarting to sit at home, at work, and everywhere else just wishing that things were how they were two months ago. I've always been an optimist, but right now I honestly feel like things are so far beyond repair that all I have left is to long for another time.

I long for a sense of direction with work.
I long for the happiness and peace that I had with the girl that I was seeing.
I long for the forward momentum that I had built up finally in my life.

It is difficult to keep moving forward when everything around you is backsliding. I'm trying to be patient, to keep putting one foot in front of antoher, trying to have faith and strenght, but it's a fight. I wish I could say that I didn't know how things got to this place, but I do, and most of it is my own fault.

So, now I have a choice. I can keep fighting, having faith that it will get better, or I can surrender, knowing I've created this mess, and just let the chips fall where they may. At this point, I don't know which is better, and I long for an answer, or the ability to make sense of it all. I long to be able to fix it.

On my 26th birthday...

2010-06-21T00:02:00.002-04:00

I stayed up to watch the clock turn to 0001 on June 21, 2010. I'm 26 today, and I don't know how I got here.

I was on a bus, riding home from Canada's Wonderland and I was listening to some girls behind me, and it hit me... that was me. They were giggling and talking loudly and pretending to have fun.

One girl got a call from her mom, to say that she was late getting home, and she has an exam in the morning, and why didn't she come home to study? I've had that conversation.

It took everything I had not to grab her and tell her where the path she's on will land her. I can't warn random strangers on the bus about their own lives, and I didn't really want to warn her. I was trying to warm myself.

There's a problem with that though, I certainly can't travel back in time or ask for a do-over. This human condition really only comes with one condition, and that is that you don't get a second chance at any given moment. You can only do things once.

I'll leave that with you for a second.

Ready?

You only get one shot at this life, this year, this moment.

So, I got to thinking, and I got a little frustrated. I didn't know that when I was 14. I didn't know where I would land. I thought it would all work out, and I wish that I could go back now and talk to her. Hindsight is always 20 / 20, isn't it?

What would I tell her? Let's see...

Dear 14 Year Old Katie,

It's me, your 26 year old self. You're turning 26 today, so here's the important part, no matter what happens in the next couple of years, you'll survive it. I'm leading with that, because the rest of this letter is going to make the world seem like a really scary place.

I want you to know a few things that by 26 you will learn, in hopes that if you can hear it in your own voice, you'll hear what I'm saying. I know that you're scared. I know that high school is lonely and hard, and that you're struggling to make friends, but please don't settle. Just because people accept you, doesn't mean they have your best interest at heart.

I want you to know how we landed where we are today:

You worried too much about what people thought and what guys expected of you. You let your grades slip because it was easier to be the dumb fun girl, than the smart girl that you started out as. I want you to know that it is okay to be smart. You have a gift, and it shouldn't take you 12 years to realize that just because right now you don't have tabs in that mental rolodex of yours to help point you to where the information is going, doesn't mean you aren't retaining it. Please, keep reading, keep studying, push through. If you keep fighting so hard to prove that you're more than the smart girl, you'll eventually prove that you're less.

You can't measure your worth by the opinions of other people. I know it seems that what other people think of you is all that matter, but actually it doesn't matter at all. You can only have self-worth. You can't give that power to other people because they will abuse it.

You're young, so you don't know this yet, but having the attention of guys is meaningless. It doesn't help you succeed in life, and it certainly doesn't help you survive high school. The kind of guys whose attention you will have will be the kind of guys who will take that opportunity and whittle your self esteem down to nothing. You will suddenly find yourself feeling empty without their attention and approval, and then you are totally at their beckon call. This is important. Please, please know that the attention is not worth the cost.

I want to warn you about a girl who you have a huge crush. She will invite you into her bed just before your 16th birthday, and then invite her 'boyfriend' who is 11 years older than you to join the two of you without your consent. You will think that because you didn't say, "No", it was your fault, but it wasn't. You wanted to be there with her, and she made this choice about a man for you. He should have known that a teenager was inappropriate, and that you couldn't possibly consent not only because you weren't aware that it was going to take that turn, but also because legally you can't. Laws exist for a reason and they both should have known that. She should have known that it wasn't her place to make this choice for you. In fact, please take note of the fact that you have a crush on a girl, and then run away from her.

The important lesson from her is that it is okay to like girls, but the rest is dangerous. I want to tell you that if you don't see this coming, and it happens anyhow, you should be angry, you should be hurt, and you should speak up, because if you don't you will act out in ways that you won't expect or understand until you are much older.

You will have an entire year of school that you don't remember because you were wasted. Your grades will slip to the point that it is almost unrecoverable. You will miss out on getting into York University by 0.5% on your overall average. You will get into a great program at Lakehead, and not attend because a guy who you don't like, and never did, asked you to stay and you aren't capable of making decisions for yourself anymore.

If you insist on hanging out with the people you are, and those bad things happen, you will turn to drinking and sex to numb yourself, and you will succeed. You will be so numb that you don't realize that what is going on is abuse, and that you have given up all power and control in your life to boys who claim to be your friends, but who are secretly sitting in a sauna, discussing if they would be able to have you kill yourself before the year is out. They will almost succeed, and you will be so numb that you can't see what's going on, and 10 years later, they will still be in your life.

If you manage to numb yourself to everything that has happened, worse things will happen. Those guys who are still in your life 10 years later will become abusive, first emotionally, and then physically. I want you to know that even if you have made yourself that numb, it is still not your fault. If you are still numb, you will make excuses for him, talk to him about what he is done and accept his answer. It is not okay. It is not a psychotic break, and it was not your fault. It was his. He was escalating before it happened, but you couldn't see it because you were in it. It will take you two years after that to begin to understand what happened.

Please know that if you defend people who are bad to you, eventually people will stop trying to help you, because you can't save those who don't want to be saved.

I know that it seems impossible to be strong enough to make it through high school, even the rest of this year, but you will get through. I want you to know that because I survived all of the things above and more, I know that you are strong enough to do things differently.

Kate

Now, if only I could get that do-over.

One dimensional

2010-05-31T04:22:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like a fairly one dimensional person. A lot of the time I get seen that way.

There is a lot going on in my life right now, including the fact that I'm realizing pretty quickly that I'm gay, and sorting out everything that goes with that, not seeing my family because I work two jobs, trying to pull together my apartment into some sort of reasonable and presentable setup so that it's okay for me to have company over, trying to eat right and go to the gym and look after my health, and my dog, and help out friends with different things that they need, and have a social life, and, and, and. I'm overwhelmed. Period.

Here's the thing, when I get overwhelmed I tend to pick one thing to focus on, one thing that is within my control and work on that. Right now, that thing is actually my job.

It's very frustrating because there is a lot more to me than just work, but I love my job and I'm very committed to it right now, because I want to move up within the company. I am really trying to put the effort in now, so that in a few years I will get the rewards. Because of this I've been referred to as a workaholic. I don't think that it's a bad thing to like and be committed to my job, but I can understand why it could be frustrating too.

Obviously E works with me, in case y'all missed that. That's all well and good, except that we're on opposite shifts, we see things different ways and we pick different battles to fight. She says that she thinks I'm very black and white at work, and that I want things my way or no way. She tells me I have opinions about everything, and that I make sure everyone hears them. She worries that I'm dangerous at work because I'll stop at nothing to put my plans into motion.

It hurts that she sees it in such a negative light. It makes me feel ashamed of wanting more than just staying in communications, and it makes me feel like if I do get the job it would be for all of the wrong reasons. It makes me wonder if everyone sees me the same way, and if I really got to move up, whether people would expect me to fail.

I suddenly feel like I'm doing myself a huge disservice by knowing what I want out of this. I have been really happy with this company so far, and in the last week I've thought about quitting more than once, because it makes me so uncomfortable that I'm seen as aggressive instead of competent, and that it is perceived that I'm pushing my agenda rather than having input that could actually be useful.

I take my job very personally, I like the company, I like the people I work with, I would go to the mat for the members of my team, and I really do try to support them, and now I spend a weekend finding out that that's not what people see. It just hurts.

I put in a lot of effort with the job, and it is the one thing in my life that I feel like I have any control over at the moment. It consumes a lot of my time and energy, and I think about it in my off time. I put effort into doing the leg work, doing the training, putting together a plan for things that I think are important, for programs I believe in, and for things that I honestly want to see improve.

I talk about work because I want feedback. I talk about work with women mostly, and I make every effort to discuss and get feedback from women who I have a lot of respect for within the company, and outside it also.

I grew up with a lot of women in my life who are focused on business, and now E is in the fold of women whose opinion actually matters to me. The fact that I debate with her about things gets her back up, because she thinks that I'm arguing, and I don't know how to explain it to her. We both take it so personally that things can get heated, but I actually enjoy talking about it with her because she sees things so differently than me. It's strikes me as odd that she sees me as a shark, when she is a shark too. If she wasn't, I wouldn't want her opinion. Part of why I like her, is because she's a shark too.

So, yeah, I talk to much about work and spend too much time focused on it. It's what I have to hold onto right now. It's my safety net. It makes me sad that E and I can't talk about it, because that was nice. We'll go back to having other things to talk about, but she'll probably still have to remind me to not talk so damned much about work.

Does that make me one dimensional?

The advice we give to others...

2010-05-31T01:42:00.002-04:00

I'm a firm believer that the universe brings people into your life for a reason. The people you interact with are all there to teach you something, or to learn something from you, and most often, both.

I've had a lot of interesting conversations this weekend with people both new to my life, and old friends and the one thing that I'm taking away from it is that most often the advice that we give to other people reflects advice that we should probably listen to ourselves. It's scary how often I'll give advice or explain something to someone, and then have a light bulb moment about how I should have dealt with something.

This weekend I've learned:

While talking to my friend A about his girlfriend and how she felt about him having more sexual partners than she had, I explained to him that most of the time that becomes an issue when a girl is concerned that she won't be able to keep up, or that you'll ask her to do something outside of her comfort zone.

Further to that, I advised, he will have to watch out for her talking a big game in order to give the impression that she can keep up, and then not knowing how to back down from that if, in the moment, she is not actually comfortable with what's going on.

As I was sitting there telling him all of this, and it suddenly hit me. Holy shit. I've done this a lot of times. I've gotten myself into more than a few situations that I'd much rather not be in, and not known how to get out because I was scared of what the person I was with would think. Oh my god. I'm giving him the advice and warning him about something that I wish someone had have given me the heads up on.

While talking to L about people in her life and how to know who could be trusted, and who was playing the game, I realized I should watch how people behave with other people and then decide if that is how I want to be treated. If you would tell your friends not to befriend someone because they are playing games or are manipulative, why would you want to be friends with them yourself? Generally that type of behaviour is a systemic problem. I don't know why I let people in my life even though they aren't good to other people. It's so much easier to stand up for others than it is for one's self some times, but I need to work on doing both.

While talking with E, I realized that I need to be more aware of people in my personal life, and in my professional life, and the fact that I'm two totally different people in those two worlds. I suddenly understand that it is asking a lot of people to be able to reconcile the two because in my personal life I'm a lamb, and professionally I'm a lion. I tend to be very assertive and confident professionally; in fact I am quite aggressive. That works for me in the professional world, however when it trickles into my personal life, or when the submissiveness and compliance of my personal life trickles into my professional life, it can have a huge impact, which is rarely positive. I need to remember to keep the two separate, and to be more understanding when the differences between the two are hard to cope with.

While talking with H about her insecurity, we talked about how second guessing yourself all the time isn’t an attractive quality. You deserve the chance to be who you are, and you don't need to ask the permission of other people to take that chance. She was concerned about her tendency to wear her heart on her sleeve and wanted to know how to not feel like she needs to be so guarded all the time. I told her that wearing her heart on her sleeve isn't a bad thing, but a risk for sure. The thing is, sometimes it's worth the risk. I told her that most people don't walk through life with the sort of malice of intent that would cause them to purposely hurt her.

In a nut shell, I have learned:

It's important to be honest about how you feel about things, and to not make decisions based on fear.
It never hurts to observe how people treat others, and decide if that's someone you want in your life.
Keep your professional life and personal life separate, even when the two collide, or be understanding when people don't know how to reconcile that the two may not be the same person.
Be confident, and have faith in people. You don't need their permission to be who you are, and if you're at peace with who you are, they would never ask you to second guess it.

So, in short, next time I'm giving advice, I'm going to try to listen harder, because most of the time it applies to me too.

A long weekend...

2010-05-24T15:57:00.000-04:00

You have to love a long weekend, it's always interesting whether you intend to just relax, or not.

Friday night I received a call from Alana to let me know that she wasn't going to be able to come down for the weekend. Her car crapped out and they weren't going to be able to do much with it until Wednesday. This wouldn't be a big deal except that she was supposed to be coming with me to Cherrybomb on Saturday night. E was tied up with some friends in town for the long weekend, and she wasn't going to be around to take me, and I really wanted to go. In fact, I was quite proud of myself for having decided to go without her, and Alana's car breaks down. Murphy's Law.

Fine, I decided I would skip it instead. It wasn't that big of a deal. I spent all of Friday night trying to minimize it in my head and make myself feel like I didn't want to go and I wasn't missing out. Epic fail. I still wanted to go and on Saturday morning when I woke up I was still pouting around my apartment and feeling pretty upset about not going.

Just after lunch on Saturday, I hop on Facebook and Lindsey is online, which is great because I happen to know she doesn't have plans for Saturday night. In fact, I've been trying to text her since Friday night, but not getting a response. Turns out, she left her cell phone at Seneca.

So, I message her and see if she's available to go, which she is after some convincing, and a promise to leave at a reasonable hour, namely 11:30 or midnight. My mood significantly improves, sure I don't get to dance until the birds start chirping, but I get to go out for a bit. Lindsey and I head out and get our hair done, have some supper at Sushi & BBQ and trek over to Cherrybomb to have some drinks.

Let's backtrack for a minute. Some time after Lindsey decided she would come, E texts me and I let her know that Alana had canceled. She was super supportive and suggests that I go alone, but I have to admit, I'm just not there yet and I wouldn't have gotten through the door. I probably would have been able to get myself down there, and I might have even gotten as far as getting my ID checked, before I bailed out.

There are a few reasons for this, firstly, when I was showing up, I knew it was going to be quiet and it would be pretty obvious I was there on my own and a little uncomfortable. I would have felt the same about this at any bar or event, gay or straight. I just find this situation very awkward.

Secondly, if something went horribly awry, I would want to know that I had someone there to bail me out. I don't know what I thought would go so wrong, but there is a part of me that insists upon preparing for all eventualities.

Last, but not least, I found the thought of being around so many people who are really comfortable with who they are, while I'm still trying to work things out, a little overwhelming. It makes me feel like they would take one look at me and think that I'm faking. I don't know why. This probably warrants some further analysis, but that's for another blog.

Anyhow, Lindsey and I get down there, get through the door and sit down to have a drink. Well, I had a drink, she wasn't drinking because she didn't want to get too caught up in the merriment and forget that we had to leave at midnight so that she wouldn't be too tired for Lost on Sunday, but I digress.

So, we sit down and I have a drink or two, and eventually a better table a little closer to the dance floor opens up and we move over there. We sit and watch and she is finally convinced that this is actually a lot of fun and she isn't nearly as uncomfortable as she expected to be. She admits that she is having a good time and that it's really comfortable here. I laughed when she said it, because I would have left with her if she was that uncomfortable, I just needed help getting through the door and getting through the part of the night where it's quiet and no one is dancing yet.

The music picks up, and all of a sudden a song we both know is on, and it seems that everyone else knows it too, because the 8 people on the dance floor, suddenly becomes 70, and it's enough that we can blend in and have a good time. We get up and dance. The next 45 minutes is all songs that we can sing along to, or that we've heard before at the very least, and we're having a great time.

All of a sudden, I notice some girl looking at me, with a big silly smile. She has sort of been dancing in the general vicinity of Lindsey and I, with a friend of hers, for a few minutes and we've all been having a great time so I don't really think much of it.

I barely have time to blink and she's dancing with me. I feel like a 14 year old writing this because dancing is just dancing and I shouldn't think anything of it, so I calm myself down, and keep dancing. She's cute, not really my type, but I can see the appeal. I figure we'll just dance for a bit and both move on, so no big. We talk a little over the music, she says, "I love how tall you are." I laugh and say that the heels help, and smile.

E texts me to see what I'm doing, and I let her know that I'm dancing, having fun and that all is well.

Flash forward about half an hour. We're still dancing together, and this is when she decides that she wants to kiss my neck. Oh, okay. I've missed something here. I step back a little, and she steps towards me and grabs my hands to put them on her waist, as she turns around to face away from my, she pulls one of my arms up and across her chest. At this point I start to get really uncomfortable, luckily she is quite short, and I'm quite tall in the heels. So, I shoot Lindsey a look over her head, and Lindsey asks if she can borrow me to go to the washroom. I smile and apologize and say that it was nice dancing with her, and we go sit on the pool hall side of things.

Lindsey laughs, and says, well even if she's not your type, you still did better than me this evening. I have to laugh too, because I expect to be the invisible girl in the crowd, and maybe I'm not. That's exciting. We have another drink and head home.

I get home, and E and I text back and forth a little before I pass out. I missed her at the bar, because she would have caught that I was a little uncomfortable much faster, but it was also good to go and kind of work it out for myself. I think if I wanted to go and there was no one around, I could probably go down by myself. I think I would go later in the night, and I would still be nervous, but I would survive, and that's the main thing. It's sort of a nice feeling to realize that.

I have one more interesting story from this weekend, but that will have to wait until later because this girl hears her aunt starting the BBQ, and that means it is time for me to start making dinner.

Drawing a blank...

2010-05-20T10:26:00.002-04:00

E and I have been talking about a bunch of stuff lately. We talk and talk and talk and talk, and she keeps telling me to ask questions if I have any, and I get caught up in this weird head space where I can't ask the questions I want to ask because I'm worried about what she'll think, or I don't know if her answer will be something I can relate to, or maybe I don't have a specific question, so much as I want to discuss a specific topic for a while and see what you think.

Every once and a while it's really hard to talk to her because she's really pretty good with who she is, comfortable in the village, has a bunch of gay friends and is already sort of done, and that's not where I am. I think I really need to find someone to talk with who is in the same place with this as I am.

Please, don't get me wrong, she has been amazing about everything, letting me sort things out for myself and being really patient while I deal with crap in my past and realize over and over that my reactions to a million situations were so terribly skewed. She isn't trying to push her opinions on me or make me feel like I'm a total spaz about things, but that doesn't change the fact that I do feel like that a lot of the time.

The thing is, either way, I have a million questions. My life went from being settled and sorted and me having a lot of the answers, whether I was choosing to use them or not, to being this big blank slate. All of a sudden, there is a whole society that I'm kind of a part of, or would like to be, and a whole life that I'm living, that I know nothing about. It's a very abstract situation for me to try to wrap my mind around.

Further to that, I get so much of my information and feedback from E, which is great because she's open to it, but sometimes I feel like it doesn't apply, or because we see the world so differently on so many things, I can't apply what she says to what I'm asking, even though I know it makes sense. I know that it's a reasonable answer, but I just can't make it fit me.

I am at this weird place, where I love going out with her and the time we spend together, but I also feel like I really need to make some of my own friends in the community, people who are a little more like me, whether it's similar backgrounds or girls who are a little more girly. I think I just need to meet more people.

Oh, and further to that, maybe I should just stop over-thinking everything.

When you ask tough questions...

2010-05-03T05:00:00.000-04:00

Please understand that you make me feel really safe, safer than I have in a long time and that is scary for me. It makes me want to be honest with you about my past and who I was, to let you know what I've really seen.

I don't tell anyone these stories. I may mention in passing, to explain a reaction, but I never give the dark details. I don't tell the stories because they hurt to hear. I don't because people don't look at me the same.

I appreciate that you haven't been asking me a lot of questions, and you've been letting me tell you things at my own pace. I know that it can be difficult to deal with some of who I am, because you don't know the back story. We've talked about it. I know that you don't need or want it. You don't want the full back story just yet, and I don't want to subject you to it unnecessarily.

Sometimes, when we're discussing the odds and ends of our lives, I talk about people, and I can see you cringe. I think it's because you can probably read me well enough by now to know that they aren't really how I describe them, and that I'm giving you the sugar coated version.

You remind me now and again that after a month, the stories I have to tell are a little much, and I know that. I hesitate to tell you too much of it because I get nervous that you'll run for the hills, or that I'll cry.

I'm hesitant to tell you any of it, because it makes me want to tell you all of it and none of it all at once.

You said that you have a list of words in your head, a thought cloud of things that you expect that I'll tell you about one day. I'll try to keep the information to small doses, both for your sanity and mine, but please remember that I'm always honest with you, and that sometimes when you ask tough questions, the answers aren't pretty.

On Remembering Where You Stand

2010-04-29T03:15:00.002-04:00

It's always a bitch when you realize you're upset about something that you have no right to be upset about.

I'm laying here in bed, really upset over how tonight went, not because I didn't have fun, but because I forgot for a split second where I actually stood.

Casual isn't a bad thing at all, it's probably what I need and E is probably right, but just the same I had gotten used to her being there when things that I felt like a big deal had happened, or afterward at the very least. So, tonight when D and I wandered off into the Village like grownups, all on our lonesome and had a few drinks, and she met us afterward, I sincerely had a hard time when she went home to her place after. The part of me that looks for her to talk to about things, or to get a little validation from her was hurt.

I know that we were out with people from work. I understand that even though they "know" there is a certain safety in plausible deny-ability, for us and for them. I fully realize the position we are in and that we are both up for promotions in the near future, which could be jeopardized by this coming out.

I even know that it isn't personal, and that she wasn't trying to upset me at all.

I know that she is going through a particularily ugly break up right now, and that my very existance makes it no easier.

I have no illusions of granduer of this ever working out into something more.

Still, lesson learned. Don't forget, even for a second, where you stand and what your place is, because if you do, you've got no recourse. You have no right to be upset.

If you spend enough time with someone...

2010-04-27T04:18:00.002-04:00

... eventually the conversations get really interesting.

The people you spend a lot of time with in any given moment will eventually start to ask you some really mind blowing questions.

We all do it. We ask each other the questions that we think the other person should be asking them self. We do it because it helps us understand, and because the ensuing conversations are usually very revealing. Obviously, I've just had a few interesting ones asked, otherwise I wouldn't be writing.

E just asked me if I picture my life with a women, or just sex.

At first, my response was really clear. I picture my life with a woman.

Let's just sit with that for a second. I'll say it again.

I picture my life with a woman.

...

Okay. Ready now? Good. It took me a second to grasp that one too.

Ready for the part that will really take you some time to wrap your brain around?

I always pictured my life with another woman. I pictured a house, a girl, a dog and maybe a kid or two, and it didn't for one second register with me that I wasn't picturing a guy.

I'll give you another second with that.

It never occurred to me that I wasn't picturing my life with a guy. I saw what I was picturing as so normal that it didn't warrant me sitting up and taking notice. It was just a subconscious thing that I've always thought about, without thinking about.

Do you need just one more second? I needed a few.

E and I are texting back and forth today, just chatting and she's trying to figure out where I'm at on things. She is asking me questions to make me think about where I am at and challenge my thinking, and there it is.

I never, not for one second, pictured my life as settled down with a guy. I was engaged to and lived with a guy for several years, and never once did I think that he and I would be together forever. I didn't see him as the love of my life, and didn't ever expect that we would truly settle down.

Apparently, for my whole life I have pictured myself not with a guy, but with a very tom-boy type of girl.

E's response? "Talk about an eye opener."

Point taken.

Tremble

2010-04-25T03:53:00.002-04:00

***This post is not G rated***

Oh good, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I can speak my mind.

One of the many truths about being me, is that I really enjoy sex. I really thought I knew a lot about sex. I thought I had it all figured out and even that I knew a fair bit about sex with other girls. I didn't think there was a thing in this world that you could throw at me that would phase me even for a second. I'm pretty open to trying anything once, and with this whole dating women thing, comes a lot of trying new things.

It's a little bit of an odd/excellent experience.

As it turns out there is a whole world of stuff out there that I'm actually pretty naive about. To be honest, I like that I get to start over and figure out all of this stuff from the start again. That in itself is a huge turn on.

I didn't start out with all things sex terribly young, but I did go from 0 to 60 in about 5.3 seconds. I really didn't do a whole lot of the fumbling, clumbsy and innocent stuff. I didn't do a whole lot of sorting things out for myself, and as much as I appreciated having someone to give some direction in the moment, I didn't actually ever figure out what I liked, or that it was okay to be clumbsy.

So, like I said, it is kind of awesome that I get to actually figure things out for myself this time around. E has been sort of amazing about the whole thing. I have been fairly nervous about being with her because I feel like because I've been with girls before, I should know this stuff. I don't know why I thought there would be expectations about what I knew, because that's just a little silly, but I gave it some thought and I've come to the conclusion that sleeping with bi girls is just a whole different thing than sleeping with gay girls, and the differences are fantastic.

The relization that I don't actually know even half of what I thought I did was a bit of a kick in the ego, and a little bit unsettling. It took me some time to actually get over that.

Part of my sexual identity comes from the fact that I know how to give people what they like, and the fact that I wasn't really sure where to start with E was a little overwhelming. Funny thing, that. It turns out that if you actually ask a girl what she likes, she'll talk to you about it. Girls rock.

It was an entirely different experience to realize that I have no idea what I like, if I am not keeping the focus on someone else 100% of the time. In fact, I'm really not used to being the centre of attention between the sheets. It is a little hard for me to get my head around. It is hard to not be self concious, but the more I relax... oh man. So much fun.

I love the fact that E pretty much has me figured out, and doesn't mind mind that I don't.
She doesn't always make the first move. She waits for me to push for what I want. It gives me a chance to be a bundle of nerves, with shaking hands and trembling lips, knowing that I want her, want something, and have to figure out just what that is.

I can barely keep my hands off her because I can't wait to land in bed again, and have my leg wrapped around her, or have her trace a hand down across my hip, knowing that she caused those goosebumps.

It is nice to know that I can fumble through, try something new and laugh if it just doesn't work out like I expected, and that we'll just continue and that it won't affect how much fun we have. Figures, I pretty much need to throw any and all expectations to the wind and just roll with it, because that's what works. Duely noted.

Oh, and when she's above me, with my ankle over her shoulder, and looks down at me like she does, well, that explains the tremble.

Relax

2010-04-23T12:03:00.000-04:00

After giving yesterday's post some further thought, and getting some feedback on it, one thing became painfully clear. I get caught up in what's going on in my head, working out every possible outcome for every situation and forgetting that a vital part of life is remembering to act. Part of life is letting go of all the thoughts spinning around in my head, taking action and letting the chips fall where they may.

I showed my blog to E yesterday for the first time and picked a few specific entries for her to read. We talked a fair bit about some of the stuff I had written and she said something I found interesting. She said that I was more articulate in my writing than I am in person. That she had expected me to be as scattered when I write as I can be in person, and that she was surprised to find that it wasn't the case.

Most of what I write is knocked out on my laptop, usually with no revisions, and submitted to the blog within about 30 minutes of when I start writing. I usually just hit the spell check button and then the post button, and call it done.

As she continued reading the blog, there was a moment where she asked me a question about it, and I absolutely panicked. I physically panicked. There was a full on fight or flight response. It took me a while to explain it to her, and in hindsight I did a fairly poor job of it initially. I tried to explain that I felt challenged on the content, and I didn't like it, but that really wasn't the issue.

When I got home, I gave it some more thought and really I think it comes down to another issue. I second guessed myself.

She wasn't challenging me. She wasn't asking me to justify anything I said. She wasn't attacking me or asking me to make myself smaller to fit into what she expected of me. All she was doing was asking me to clarify and expand on something I had said, and I had a knee-jerk reaction to her being in my space.

I put all of myself on here. I am more honest with myself here than I have been able to be anywhere else. I write to work a lot of things out, because in this space I can make decisions. In this space there is no room for second guessing, and instinct and congruence with who I really am override all else. In this space, you take me as I am or you get the heck out of my space.

It wasn't that I didn't want her there, because I had invited her in. An invitation to read my blog is equivalent to me laying a welcome mat out at the entrance to my brain.

I wanted her here, but her being showing up, reading and having this information and this honesty from me makes me feel really vulnerable. It's scary.

She can read me pretty well, and I'm not used to that. I'm not used to someone wanting to know what I'm really thinking and feeling, and not just as a casual observer. I am putting a lot of faith and trust in her, and it means I have to trust my instincts, that she is a safe sounding board. Putting this faith in her means that I need to put faith in myself. It means that I need to trust, be honest, and most of all, it means that I need to accept that it is safe for me to relax.

Breath

2010-04-22T11:01:00.002-04:00

As it turns out, this foray into dating women isn't as easy and straightforward as I had hoped. I expected that it would be an easy transition because of my past. I thought it would go off without a hitch. The universe, however, has conspired against me and proven to me yet again, that I shouldn't walk through life with expectations.

I always seem to get caught up somewhere between what I want, and how to get there. Right now, in this moment, I want to date women. I have no interest in dating guys.

What I'm struggling with is the fact that I feel like I need to learn a whole new set of rules, because I never really dated other girls.

Actually, to be fair, I never really dated at all. I had a few good guy friends over the years that I was basically friends with benefits with, and the more I give it any sort of thought, the more I realize that there was no real connection with them on a relationship level. We were basically scratching an itch. The truth is, I have no idea how to date whether it is men or women.

I'm left with all of these things that I wonder, and no real answers. I have been trying to express where I'm at, and have started four or five blog entries, but nothing is coming out coherant or cohesive right now. All I've got is a thousand questions in my head. I've come to a place where all I can do is express the questions and let them breath a little.

I wonder whether what I'm actually having a hard time with is the fact that I want to have more with a girl then I've ever really wanted with a guy.

I wonder whether much of my past can be explained by the fact that I always liked girls, and never really explored that beyond occasionally sleeping with them.

I wonder whether blaming my history and track record with guys on the fact that I should have been with women all along is a cop out.

I wonder whether that matters.

I wonder what kind of girls I like.

I wonder whether my family will really be as okay with all of this as I think they will, or whether it's wishful thinking on my part.

I wonder why people blame my interest in women on the fact that I've had some very violent and negative experience with men in the past few years. This one upsets and frustrates me to no end.

I wonder why anyone who has known me since high school has a very "Yup, that makes sense." response, and anyone who has known me just within the last four or five years has a "Wait, wait... what? Didn't see that coming!" response.

I wonder if I am really too old to be figuring this all out.

I wonder why I feel like everyone will assume it is a phase, regardless of the fact that they don't seem to.

I wonder why I get so nervous going to the Village, and why it is so comfortable all at the same time.

I wonder if all the insecurity that is coming to the surface right now has always been there, and whether addressing it and how I see myself will have as big of an impact on my life as everyone expects.

I wonder why I don't see myself the way other people see me, no matter how many times they tell me that my perception of myself is in-congruent with who and how I actually am.

I wonder how I will fit in the community, and if I will find my place in it as quickly as I'm told I will, or as slowly as I expect that I will.

I wonder why it's only taken about three weeks for my anxiety about going into the Village to go from an 11, all the way down to a 3.

I wonder whether the girl at the bar last night saw me too.

I wonder if I will be accepted because I'm discovering that I'm super girly.

I wonder whether my family already knows, and is just waiting for me to spit it out.

I wonder whether I'm bi or just straight up gay.

I wonder why this feels like home, in a way that I can't even express.

I wonder if all of the change in my life in one moment is a good thing, and whether I'm strong enough.

I wonder why I always seem to have so many questions.

I wonder why I'm the kind of girl that needs to process.

I wonder whether what I write off as processing, is really just me making myself smaller, more socially acceptable, having my opinion conform to what people expect, and reconciling myself to being that person.

I wonder whether I should make a conscious effort to stop taking all this time to process, and start just living it and figuring it out as I go.

I wonder why I didn't figure this out before.

Spring Cleaning

2010-04-11T04:56:00.000-04:00

Very few of you will ever see my apartment.
I am usually hesitant to let even good friends into my place unannounced and will cancel plans if I can’t get organized in time because my apartment is usually a mess. I am terrified by someone seeing the mess my house is in, and I’ve recently realized that my apartment is a reflection of my mental state.

Right now, my apartment is a total mess.

I don’t actually dislike cleaning, contrary to popular belief. I find it rather relaxing when I’m good and ready to do it, but I usually have to get into the right head space to work on it.

I tend to leave it until I have no further options, or when it affords me the opportunity to procrastinate on something that I enjoy less than cleaning. If my apartment is a reflection of my mentality, does anyone else see an issue?

There are times when my apartment is so bad that you’re not getting through the front door, even if you have a fire hose, and my kitchen is ablaze. This is generally a pretty good indicator of the fact that I’m trying to avoid dealing with something, and sometimes it can take a pretty long time for me to be prepared to deal with whatever it is, but I am more than willing to let you believe that this is because I’ve been working too much to take any sort of care of my place, but usually that’s a boldfaced lie.

It has a lot more to do with the fact that mentally I’m a mess. It means that I’m trying to work things out in my head, and either I’m under a fair bit of pressure, stressed, or otherwise trying to cope, and all my energy is tied up in that.

For the record, I hate it when my apartment is like this. It stresses me out more than most people could ever understand; only further compounding whatever stress I’m under until I have only two choices, of either shutting down completely, or bucking up and dealing with it.

Right now, I’m in the process of attempting to do some work on the apartment, and give it a look. I want to get it organized and actually decorated enough to look like a grown up apartment. It would be nice to have a place that actually looks like I’m not a college student.

This, of course, means that I have a lot of cleaning to do, but it’s the kind that lands you on your hands and knees for the better part of a day to make any sort of progress. This also means that it is the kind of cleaning that makes the mess worse, much worse, before it gets better and the scary part about the process is that it comes with addressing a lot of underlying stuff.

Here’s to spring cleaning!

Life happens in its own time, and there is no convincing it otherwise.

2010-03-17T12:04:00.000-04:00

I've not written in a while because I've been trying to process somethings, but since I'm failing so epically, I figure I'll just try to process publicly and see what happens.

I'm dating a girl.

Anyone who has known me for any lenght of time seems to be unsurprised by this.
It's freaking me out.

Apparently everyone around me knew way before I did that eventually I'd date a girl. I make no bones about the fact that I have a history with women, but I have never dated a girl.

In fact, I generally identify as straight. I like men, and have always considered women a side dish. You may think that was just a stepping stone, or a ploy for the attention of men, however it was always great fun at the time, just not something that I expected to want full time.

We had been fantastic friends for about six months, and had a whole world of things in common. Suddenly, the "just friends" thing isn't working out.

She admits that she dated women in college, and I admit that I've had a few sexual relationships with women, but that's where it has ended. We continue for a few weeks more, and it gets more and more complicated. We're both acting awkward.

Finally, I invite her out for drinks for the gold medal women's hockey game, and we end the night sitting in a Starbucks having "the talk." We decide to give it a go. We are both honest about our boundaries. Her family situation is an issue for her. The fact that I have always dated men, and don't think that I'll suddenly cease to be attracted to them is an issue for me, as is the fact that I don't do well in relationships. We think we can live with each other's issues.

So, I suddenly find myself in a relationship with a girl who's mom is totally non-supportive of the fact that she's gay. They live together. It's a little intense, but we're avoiding the issue and that's fine. We both work way too much and don't see a lot of each other, but things are good. I continue to struggle with this whole "transition" that I don't see as a transition, but like I said, things are good.

I haven't talked to my family about all of this yet because it's all so new, but I'm really lucky to have a family that has supported me through bigger and harder things, that is fairly liberal and who I'm confident will be quite okay with having a daughter who dates girls.

In fact, the person having the hardest time with all of this is me, which I suppose is logical. I mean, the person who I have identified as since the start of high school pretty much got turned on her head about a month ago, and tossed into a monogamous relationship. I struggle with relationships at the best of times.

I also have a huge problem with the fact that more than one person has tried to apply psychology to who I have been over the past 10 years, saying that I would only relate to men the way I have based on the fact that I was a huge closet case. I have had a few more friends say that this is to be expected after years of the experiences with men that I have had, and to almost blame this on the fact that I've been raped.

The thing is, I'm not broken. I really don't need you to justify this, to tell me why it happened, or to explain away either my past or present, with the other. I like who I like, and I don't know that it needs an explanation by you, psychology or even by me.

I talk to a few people at work about it, and all of a sudden there is this whole mini-community that I'm welcomed into with open arms. It's a little overwhelming because my expectations are sort of thrown out the window by those around me. No one expects me to be ready to jump into life in the gay-bourhood with both feet, and besides a casual invitation to PRIDE, and the suggestion to go out and meet a few people at some point, there's not any pressure.

So, I'm sort of working out this whole identity and trying to process that everything that is going on. I'm trying not to over-analyze everything (failing) and just roll with it for a while, but it is challenging. I'm struggling with it. I suppose that it is to be expected, because life isn't a sitcom where you just kiss a girl one day and suddenly your entire future is decided. I guess I'll just have to get used to that.

You've got to love it when life catches you unaware.

Just a quick check in...

2010-02-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

So, I've been swamped. I haven't had time to write in a while and I thought I'd drop in for a quick update.

I've registered for the CN Tower Climb for WWF-Canada. 144 flights of stairs. I'm training like a woman.

I've been doing a whole bunch of working out and have set up some challenges for myself, including several events this summer. For the WWF CN Tower climb, it's a obviously a fundraiser for World Wildlife Foundation, and a great physical challenge. You should sponsor me!

Click here to sponsor me!

I'm trying to raise $150, which is 2x the minimum fundraising goal. If all of my readers gave up one Starbucks coffee, and sponsored me for $5, I'd blow that goal out of the water.

I've also signed up to do the Becel Ride for Heart in Toronto. It's 50km on the DVP, and it's in early June. I'm going to have a lot of work to do to get ready for this, and I'm still working on coming up with a plan. I'm really excited about it though. I'm considering starting out with a 25km bike ride, called Ride for the Rouge. It's a fundraiser for the Rouge Valley Conservation Centre. I know that they're all fundraisers, and that's a little frustrating, but it's the easiest way to find great events that I've found so far.

I'm going to try to find some events to sign up for towards the end of the summer, and really try to get set up to do the Half Moon in August adventure race in Alberta, and maybe RacetherockstAR in Muskoka in July.

And now that I'm looking at that schedule... this is crazy. I'm so excited.

Anyone up for the challenge?

Family dynamics and a matriarchal family

2010-02-04T11:34:00.000-05:00

You're going to have to forgive me for my philosophical musings today. I woke up this morning and did yoga and it always puts me in a reflective state of mind.

I come from a family that I always considered to have a patriarchal structure while I was growing up, I had a great grandfather who everyone looked up to and went to for guidance. We all had and have a great deal of respect for him, and considered him to have set the bar to which we all should rise.

Time passed, and he got very ill with Parkinson’s. Let me be the first to say that Parkinson’s is a dreadful disease, because it claims the body long before it takes the mind. It is a hard thing to watch, especially in a man who we all head in such high esteem. A little over five years ago, he passed away and suddenly Nana and Grumpy became just Nana.

There have been a lot of things that have happened in the family that I'm grateful that he wasn't here to see, but there are also things that I think would have made him proud. I think he would have been pleased to see the women of my family suddenly rise to the occasion and take the reins of the family. I don't think he foresaw it, but I think it would have made him every bit as proud of us as we always were of him.

A great example of this is my mom. I always had a lot of respect for her, even if we didn't see eye to eye when I was growing up. It took us a lot of years to find our common ground, and mostly it involved a whole lot of me realizing just how much alike we are. When I was younger, people would say to me "you certainly are your mother's daughter" and I would be absolutely gobsmacked. I would protest, and say that I wasn't the home making, housekeeping, two kids and a farm kind of girl. Boy oh boy, was I ever wrong.

She and I coming to common ground also involved a fair amount of her acknowledging that I am bound and determined to do just about everything the hard way, and that I need to learn my own lessons, and see the world through my own eyes. It's how I learn. It isn't a choice. Things got a lot better for her and I around the time that she realized that telling me something was hot wasn't going to be nearly as effective as just letting me touch it.

Now that I'm a little older and have more perspective on the situation, I also see how much leadership she takes with our family. She is the first to make sure that my grandparents get everything they need, and provides a level headed sounding board for them on a fairly broad spectrum of issues, as she does for her sisters and children. I also see how much our relationship has impacted how she interacts with other members of our family. As it turns out, I'm not the only one who needs to make their own mistakes. As I watch her in her role with other family members, I see her let them fall every now and again, when she sees that it will be a more effective lesson. I don't know whether she does it consciously, or whether it has become part of her instinct, but it amazes me. Sometimes it takes so much more strength to let someone make mistakes than it does to try to protect them from everything.

I am starting to see more and more how very like her I am. I really am my mother’s daughter, no matter how big of shoes I have to fill. I see the world from a similar perspective. I live a very different life than she does, but the older I get, the more I aspire to have the same kind of respect from the people around me, and to have a similar kind of life. While I don’t want to work the same job, and I hope to get there my own way, I hope that I can be as happy.

It is astounding to me that in the transition from patriarchal to matriarchal; suddenly my mother stepped up to the helm. It was unexpected, at least to me, but I feel truly blessed to have such a fantastic role model and mother. I really believe that Grumpy would have been just as proud as we all are.

Apartment hunting and the reasons for it...

2010-02-03T16:57:00.001-05:00

That's it. I've officially had it. My fire alarm has been going off at ungodly hours, my building manager is never available, and my rent is the next best thing to astronomical. $1000 a month doesn't sound so bad, but considering the amount that I'm actually home, I could quite easily adapt to something a little less expensive.

I'm attempting to find something new for May 1st or sooner. While I know that I'm starting to work on this a little early, I need some time to get my head around the transition and what steps I need to take in order to have a move that goes off a little bit easier than the ones in the past.

I'm also trying to make some decisions on what I'm looking for, and where because I know more more about the city than I did when I first moved into the GTA.

My requirements are relatively simple:

1 bedroom
TTC Access very nearby, preferably within 10 minutes of a subway station
Pet friendly
<$700 a month

Now, you're all laughing at the <$700 a month, I'm sure. Let me explain my theory on this one. I'm sure that we all realize that for less than $700 I'm going to end up in a basement apartment, and I'm fine with that. I want to live in something a little more affordable for a year, pay off all my debt and put away enough money for a down payment. I want to buy a house, or at the very least be well on my way to it this time next year.

Basically, the new year came around and I realized that I've been living a life of total chaos for the past five plus years, especially financially, and despite my economic klutzyness, I seem to have finally started to come out of the mess. I feel like I'm in a position where I can fix a lot of what has been so very wrong with my finances within about a year if I make a concerted effort, and some relativly minor changes, including moving to a place that I can more easily afford. I don't want to live somewhere where an entire bi-weekly pay deposit is eaten up by paying rent. It's not a comfortable position to be in, and so I'm looking to do something about it.

So, if you know of anything... you know where to find the comment button; right?

Working Out

2010-01-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

For the last couple of years I've really struggled with working out. I love it while I'm doing it, but I always lose interest. I tend to be a very all or nothing kind of girl, in all aspects of my life. Its a weakness more than a strength, and I'm the first to admit it.

I've been giving a lot of thought to the reasons I haven't succeeded in the past, and here's what I've come up with:

The most common thing to make me stop working out is when it stops hurting. I need to go to the gym, feel like I'm working my ass off, and then be sore as hell for a couple of days so that I know I've done something. I love the kind of workout that forces you to rotate upper / lower body so that your body has time to recoup. My biggest problem is doing that at home. It's hard to get an ass-kicking-name-taking workout at home without spending a lot of money on equipment and basically turning your house into a gym, but I've learned a lot lately about some tried and true exercises that really work well, and definitely give me the burn I'm looking for. Are they the most fun? Nope. Am I going to be happy I did them? Yep.

Those of you who know me are pretty aware that I'm super body conscious. I was very athletic in public school and high school, but never tiny, and I developed hugely disordered eating and body image issues. This is not really common knowledge, and is something that I've only realized in recent months, but looking back, fasting for 10+ days while your body is still growing is just not normal. When I'm working out, I always feel better about my body, feel stronger and happier, and you would expect that this would make me want to work out more. Unfortunately, the part of my brain that made me a little crazy about food while I was growing up, still has a really bad habit of a lot of negative self talk, and in the past I've sort of talked myself into believing that I wasn't making progress, or that I shouldn't feel better. I'm hoping that now that I'm conscious of this, it's something that I can control a little more effectively.

Further to that, I've come to the realization that "Skinny" probably isn't for me. I don't want to be a twig anymore. I'm 5'10" give or take, and I'm not one of those girls with a bone structure akin to a bird cage. At 130lbs, I look like I'm going to die. In this process of re-learning I've come to the conclusion that I'd probably be happy at a size 10 / 11 so long as I was fit-as-hell. I want to be the sort of girl that can go hiking, etc, without having to worry about whether I'll be able to keep up. I don't follow well, so I need to be in the sort of shape that allows me to lead.

I very much need to learn to keep myself challenged as well. Sometimes just hanging out in the gym all the time, or working out at home gets you too inside your head. Fitness is all about building a body that allows you to do things. If all you do is work on the body, and not do the challenging things, what's the point?

So, what have I been upto lately?

Weights
Body weight exercises

Dog walking
Pilates

What's coming up?

CN Tower stair climb for World Wildlife Fund in April
Toronto Challenge 5K in June ----> http://www.toronto.ca/challenge/ntc_forms.html

CN Tower stair climb for United Way in October

I'm looking for some fun / challenging events that will force me to learn new skills, so if you have any suggestions feel free to comment :)

Motivation...

2010-01-22T03:52:00.000-05:00

... or lack thereof.

Motivation is a funny thing, when you have it, it's great. It can push you to greatness, or it can slip through your fingers like sand.

Presently, I'm going through a period of both waxing and waning motivation . This generally happens for me as I settle into a new job, get used to consistant money, and start to think about new challenges. It means that I am not really striving to find "the perfect job" or start a new business that I think I can succeed at, but it also means that I'm stretching my wings a little in other parts of my life.

What are these other things? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Veganism - Yeah, yeah. You told me so. I know. Karma is a bitch. If you make fun of vegetarians long enough, you're likely to be forced into it at some point. While I wasn't exactly forced, I was feeling pretty crappy physically and mentally for few months, and I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. So, I gave up meat, eggs and milk, and as it turns out, I may have been sensitive to something I was eating, because I feel a thousand times better.

I've only been on this kick for about 1.5 weeks, and yes, I've slipped a couple of times by eating salad dressing without thinking, or other minor slips, but it has been getting a lot easier as I've been buying more options, and becoming more aware of what's out there. I even took my first steps into the world of vegan baking this week, and it pretty much rocked my socks.

All things considered, I think once I get a grasp on it, I'll probably be able to live a vegan diet on an ongoing basis, but I'm not giving up my leather shoes. Sorry.

Working out - Ths one comes and goes for me. I really enjoy it when I'm doing it, and I feel guilty when I'm not hitting the gym, but the motivation wanes when my life gets crazy, and generally when I need it most. I've been concentrating on making small changes, doing some WiiFit and DDR, and sliding in an extra dog walk when I get a moment, as well as doing some weights here and there and it seems to be working well for me.

Do I need to get back to a proper gym? Yes. Am I happy with the current system in the interim? You betcha. I might even get a bike.

Now, for the list of things I need to work on finding some motivation for:

Finding a new apartment
Sticking to a budget
Finishing my macroeconomics course
Getting organized to do my taxes and figure out how much money I owe
Joining and attending an actual gym
Getting in 2 walks with my dog a day, minimum
Catching up on correspondance
Keeping my apartment semi-presentable

Ah well, we all have a list.