Sorry I’ve been so quiet as of late. I’ve been figuring out some major things!

One of which being, I could no longer keep up with both blogs I was doing simultaneously. There would be a month of posting to this blog, and then a month of posting to the other blog, but it never worked out where they were both updated consistently. For my own piece of mind, I’m combining blogs.

The new blog can be found over at http://www.logangattis.com/blog/

You’ll notice this is my business website and as such, it is my business blog. However, my business model was built on the ideas of travel, culture, and freedom so the subject matter still fits. You will likely find a lot of posts over there that talk about freedom as it partakes to business but you will also still get the same travel stories and personal updates that you were receiving here.

If you would be so kind to support me and transition over to the new blog with me, (http://www.logangattis.com/blog/) I can promise you much more consistent material! Plus, I would be ever so grateful for your continued support.

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

Until now.

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I started analyzing patterns. That was the problem. I started asking myself why I did the things I currently do. Particularly the things I’m not thrilled that I do (procrastination anyone??) Every pattern I analyzed boils down to one thing. Having a sense of control. And with the help of my life coach/therapist, I figured out why.

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I have no control in my living environment right now. It’s too long of a story to get into but take my word for it. There is very little control. And I have never found myself in this situation before. And it really, I mean REALLY, stresses me out. To the point where I don’t even want to be home a lot of the times. So subconsciously, my mind figured out a little golden nugget of information…. no control = stress. Every other part of me then tried to compensate for that lack of control. I tried (hard) to control everything else! In my (brilliant) mind, that would eliminate all stress from my life and I would be as serene as a Buddhist monk.

But where did that get me? Overwhelmed, (still) stressed, unhappy, and exhausted. Definitely not serene and peaceful. And I’m pretty sure the Angkor Wat  Monastery won’t be calling me anytime soon.

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I’m starting to think that “control” might be an illusion. Sure you can maybe control certain things in terms of your actions to a given event. But you can’t control the situation. You can control how much you workout or how healthy you eat, but you can’t always control the circumstances. Or the fact that the flu might still come and get you. You can control how much TV you watch so that you will be more productive but you can’t control the fact that sometimes life comes and bites you in the butt and STILL makes you unproductive. And you  haven’t even turned on your TV.

How much do we actually control? Now this isn’t a post about going all willy nilly and saying “well since I have no control I’ll give up TRYING for anything.” You can still be proactive in your life. And you should be. But getting stressed out exhausted from attempting to control things in your life is pointless. Being unhappy because things didn’t work out the way you planned (and let’s be honest, you planned for hours on end) is an exercise in futility.

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So, what can you do?

I feel like, if you have to control something, your best chance is to control your reactions to the uncontrollable. However, even that might not be completely controllable 100% of the time. Hormones are not always a pretty thing. But if anything has a good chance of being able to be molded, my own reactions seem to be the highest bidder. I need to work on this right now. I also need to work on letting go. Which brings me to your other best chance of controlling something is to control your thoughts. Some of this is why I started this blog in the first place. Freedom. What does that mean? Not just in the literal sense, but what does it subjectively mean for me? It’s hard to verbally describe all the time. But when I think of it, I imagine myself like a reed in the wind. I’m staring at a beautiful sunset on a lake, meditating quite deeply and feeling quite content with my life and all of a sudden, a strong wind blows in. It’s uncontrollable. I’d like to stay in my zen reed-like state, but in order to survive, I need to bend.

So I bend.

Getting back to real (human) life for a moment and not that of a plant’s, it’s really easy to say “go with the flow” but it’s a lot harder to relearn how to do it. We all have desires and wishes for our lives. We all have an ideal day, week, month, year, life. So how do you bend when things don’t go your way? I knew at one point how to. I just need to relearn. This is part of what “freedom” is to me. Freedom from the tyranny of a cluttered mind. Seriously, my mind is a hoarder. But that’s a post for another time.

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Perhaps a good way to start is to let go of one expectation. And just see what happens. I challenge you to do the same. Let me know how it goes.

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

Update: Since I wrote this, my living environment has now changed for the better. I have some resemblance of control back and so this topic might be revisited at a later date with maybe a new perspective.

First things first. I must apologize for not having written these for a few Sunday’s now. I wasn’t really in a “productive” writing place. Plus, I’m not sure how many of you actually enjoy these since these posts get the fewest comments on them. However, the spammers seem to love these so perhaps I’ll keep on going for them.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending the Type1now conference put on by the JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation) Austin chapter. They invited me to attend for two reasons. 1- My graphic design agency designed all the conference collateral for the event and so we were a sponsor and 2- I’m a type 1 diabetic.

I don’t talk much about my diabetes on this blog (I have only mentioned it once before). But I’m pretty sure I want to change that. Not that I want it to become the main topic of this blog, but it is very much a part of who I am. It contributes very much to my emotional state on any given day and it definitely is part of what I want freedom from. So why the hell not?

This conference taught me a few key things that I’d like to share with you this Sunday.

Key Takeaway #1: No matter what you are going through, you are not the only one.
I found a lot of other type 1 diabetics at this conference. I know, who knew? But seriously, there are times that I really feel alone. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I am the only one that is struggling through various feelings or situations. I forget there is an entire community of diabetics out there that are really going through the exact same things. The keynote speaker was Kerri Sparling over at sixuntilme.com and as she was describing her life story so far (she’s around my age) and how diabetes was handled in her family, I felt as if she could have been telling my story. Then it clicked for me. I’m not alone.

No matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone. Even if it’s not something that has an official community built up around it I promise you’re not alone.  Heartbroken? There is someone that can understand. Feeling like a failure at work? Someone understands and can empathize. On an emotional rollercoaster? I’ve been there and done that. And so have many others. Nothing you are going through is unique. Even though it feels that way. There is someone somewhere (or many someones) who is experiencing it too. The trick is to find those someones.

Key Takeaway #2: There will always be new ways of doing things.
If you find yourself in a difficult situation (diabetes or otherwise), don’t think you’re an expert in how it goes. I’ve had diabetes for 18 years. You’d think (and I most certainly think) I’d be an expert. But I found out yesterday I wasn’t. Things change on a daily basis. In my particular situation, things change on almost a daily basis with regards to medical and technological advances in diabetes. But also, the “approved way” of doing things changes. Things are a lot different than when I was diagnosed in 1994. You do things differently now. You take your insulin at a different time. You are allowed to eat different things. Etc etc. With regards to the situations I mentioned earlier, if you’re heartbroken I’m guessing this might not be your first time (especially if you’re almost 30 like me!). The way you got over your past heartbreak might not be the way that works for you now. If you’re feeling unmotivated and unsuccessful at work, perhaps your motivation or definition of success has changed. If you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, what worked yesterday may or may not work today. Hell, what worked five minutes ago may or may not still work. You are an expert but you are also NOT an expert. Try what you think will work. If it doesn’t, try something else. Things change. That’s a constant in life.

Key Takeaway #3: Not all emotional days are created equal.
Emotionally things change. When I first diagnosed, I skipped right over the denial stage, the anger stage, the bargaining stage, the depression stage, right on over to acceptance. My parents (and I) thought I had it all figured out. It wasn’t until 4 years after I was diagnosed that I went into denial. And that’s fine. It was “normal”. I eventually found my way back to acceptance and that’s where I should have stayed right? Nope. I discovered yesterday, that I’ve circled right back around to where I’m now at the depression stage of grief. Why? Because when I was growing up, my doctor told me I’d be blind by the age of 40. I turn 30 next month. I’m scared out of my mind. I start telling myself irrational things. “I only have ten more years of sight?! I need to get it all done now! Let’s travel the world, let’s get married and have kids. I want to know what they look like! Now now now!” And then when I realize the world doesn’t work on my time table, I get sad. What if I never get to see my family again after ten years? What if I don’t get to “see” my own wedding? What if I have kids but never get to see what they grow up to look like? What if  I’m not done looking at things?!

It’s irrational, I know. (And after learning key takeaway #1, I realize I’m not alone in thinking these irrational thoughts.) Irrational or not though, some days, this is my reality. And then one day it won’t be any longer. I will eventually move back into the acceptance phase. I’ll eventually realize that I’m not going to go blind at 40. Things will change. Or rather as the cliche goes “this too shall pass.” But that cliche was invented for a reason. Today, you are crazy emotional. Tomorrow, you are sad. The next day, you’re angry. And so on and so forth until one day you wake up and you’re….fine. It’s the cycle of life. You’re human. We’re all (hopefully) human. Feeling a wide vortex of emotions is not just a part of the game, it’s also necessary. Appreciate the fact that you are living. Not just in the physical sense, but also the literal. You are getting every drop you possibly can out of your time here. You are feeling your way through life.

Key Takeaway #4: Facing your own mortality is not very warm and fuzzy.
In some ways I think I’m lucky. I faced my own mortality pretty young. I was diagnosed at 12 but I will admit I didn’t fully understand what it meant. It wasn’t until I was 14 that I was forced into thinking about the fact that I might possibly die (and if you’d listen to my doctors I would be blind, legless, and have a kidney transplant before I died at the ripe old age of 45). When I was 14, 45 seemed like a pretty long life to me. But it was still scary. I thought I was a screw up. Surely that is why my doctors were telling me these crazy stories. I was the only one that could possibly be that non-compliant at such a tender young age.

Oh not a chance. Remember key takeaway #1? Turns out, a lot of doctors tell their patients that over the years. Some of whom, I’m proud to say, have now reached the age of 46.

We all had this in common at this conference. We all had to face our own mortality. And we all have come to a unanimous decision. It is NOT warm and fuzzy.

Key Takeaway #5: Life throws you curve balls in the deck of cards you’ve been dealt.
How many cliches could I throw into that takeaway? I was going to say, life throws you jokers in the deck of cards you’ve been dealt. But it’s not just jokers. Life changes the freaking game and starts playing baseball! And EVERYONE has this.

Every person you meet will tell you one thing or another in their lifetime that has really changed the game. They were heading down one path and then something happened out of the blue that changed their trajectory. Not only were they not heading down the same path, they were no longer even in the same field! And you know what? That’s never going to change. There will always be curve balls. And there will always be jokers (wild cards that will be thrown in your game that will at least allow you to keep playing the same game.) That in of itself is officially a part of life. Just get used to it.

This is why it’s so important for us to share our stories. I’m convinced the telephone was invented for this exact reason. Throughout generations and generations we’ve had storytellers, we’ve had shamans, we’ve had authors, and now we have bloggers.  We are all out there to tell our story. But it’s the most important thing we can do as humanity. Because others will learn from our stories. Others will gain comfort in our stories. Others will be inspired to tell their own.

Who can you share part of your story with today? Whose story can you learn about that will allow you comfort with regards to your own story?

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

I really need some change. I know this when I start to get real emotional almost all the time. In this particular case, I feel so overwhelmed all the time that I can *almost* break down into tears merely by looking at picture of a well organized home office in a magazine. And don’t even get me started on what a picture of a zen garden does to me.

I currently feel so out of place and like everything I do is wrong. In just about every area of my life. I feel stressed out, misunderstood, and frankly, exhausted.

So when I find myself in situations like this, I do something to shake things up. And a good source of inspiration is my bucket list. In this particular case, I flew across the country to meet up with my friend, Sarah and then we drove for an additional three hours so we could do our own polar bear swim. If we’re being honest, it was really more of a dip. We looked up the current water temperature. 38 degrees F (3 degrees C). So anyone in their right mind would just be dipping and not swimming.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure….

And you know what I learned from this? Things aren’t always as bad as you think they will be. The water was cold, but it was exhilarating. Standing on that beach after we had dipped in, I was giggling like a school girl. I felt so alive. And really, so awesome for having flown to the other side of the continent, just to have an adventure.

But then I had to fly right back. And now I’m back at home wondering how I can take that feeling and inject some of it into my daily life. Or at least, weekly life. This past weekend, I saw new patterns in my life and things I’d like to deal with immediately. I’m a work in progress. I don’t have answers for you (yet). I wonder how successful I will be at dealing with these things here in Texas. Alone. In the warmth of my home office.

Or I can always fly back to Rhode Island again.

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

This is the moment my life ends.

But what a hell of a way to go.

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I’m not prepared.

There is so much I still have left to learn.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

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And then, I jumped. 

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I was being carried away. I had no control. I was at the mercy of the wind now. And my mind kept racing. This was life. You don’t have an instruction manual. There is no hand holding. The best  you can hope for is to have someone brave enough  to stand at the edge of the mountain and hold your hand while taking the leap with you. You just run and jump and hope you make it.

After the initial shock, the fear subsided and I realized that my parachute worked and I was paragliding my way up to 9,186 feet!

Today I’m writing to you from Medellin, Colombia, South America.

I came down on Tuesday this past week to surprise my boyfriend. And to give you some back story, I came down with my friend Peter and Peter’s friend Nicole met us down here. So there are four of us including my boyfriend that have been hanging out all week.

This is where flexibility comes in.

I had a certain idea of how this trip would go. I had thought of different activities I’d like to do, we had a specific nightclub we wanted to visit Saturday (last) night, etc. But one thing I’ve learned this week is that the more people that get involved, the less likely things are to turn out exactly how you imagined them.

Sometimes this is good and you have unexpected surprises. Sometimes this is not so great and you end up in a situation that you aren’t particularly enjoying. But it’s the big picture that is the important thing. The big picture in this case is that I haven’t seen my boyfriend in 6 months and we are getting to spend time together – no matter what we’re actually doing. The big picture is that I’m strengthening my friendship with Peter and Nicole and my Colombian friends by doing things with them. Even if it’s not always my first choice. And the reality of it is that life is just that way. As much as you may want life to go exactly how you envisioned it, it doesn’t always work out like that. And that’s okay. Because in reality, it’s about priorities. Is it more important to me to go to a certain club or is it more important to me to get to hang out with friends? Is it more important to me to continue my running program while I’m out of the country or is it more important to me to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend – even if that means skipping a workout now and then. Being rigid doesn’t seem to offer much of a benefit. It only seems to offer up disappointment.

Life won’t always be how you imagine it. But if you remain flexible, you will still feel satisfied with all the big things in life. Relationships, friends, family, experiences and adventure.

So now I’m heading out to have an adventure. I’m about to go cross something off my bucket list.

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

This week will be quick. I’m in a hotel room in Arkansas for a funeral. My great uncle aka my godfather aka my honorary grandfather (after my real grandfather passed) is no longer here.

The only thing that really matters this week is for me to pass on this one thing…Don’t Wait.

Don’t wait to tell people how much you love them.

Don’t think you’ve spent enough time with someone.

Don’t think they’ll understand you’re busy.

Don’t end up with regrets.

Loved ones won’t be around forever. Spend as much time with them while you can. As a good friend put it, when you find people worth investing in, INVEST. Nothing else matters.

Whatever you do, don’t wait.

It’s the one thing that will make you feel the worst at the end of the day.

Please, go tell someone how much they mean to you today.

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

When I write, I get feedback for more. When I contribute in a team effort, I get feedback that I’m fun and energetic. When I teach tennis to my cute little kiddies and their parents and coach a high school team, I get feedback that they love the game and my enthusiasm.

I feel valued and awesome in my work..

When it comes to fitting in, being with people though, there’s a noticeable difference. There’s something missing. When I’m with my housemates and neighbors, it’s exciting but I feel like an outcast because I’m the only one not in college. When I’m with my friends in L.A. I feel odd because I’m way younger than most of them.

Even when I’m spending time with someone one on one, there’s something missing.

I notice my mind telling me in the background that I don’t belong, that I’m not wanted. I notice myself changing who I am when I’m with different people because they wouldn’t accept who I really am. I notice the impact and the consequences. I get lost to the point that I don’t know who I am. My jaws clinch just thinking about it..

And then it hit me.. I’m dreaming.

I dream that I’m not wanted. I dream that I’m not loved. I dream that I’m an outcast. I even dream that my work is valued.

Nobody feels what I feel. Nobody can get in my head and know my inner self. Before I wrote this, most of you probably didn’t even know I had these feelings. This is my internal work. This is my mind playing tricks on me. I dream up a whole lot of crap. Just like how most nights when I dream it’s something I can’t really control, this internal work that is causing these feelings is something I can’t control. It just happens..

But just like any dream, I can wake up.

How do I wake up when I’m in a deep dream?

I do what everyone else would does if they need to wake up, I have someone else shake me awake.

When I feel not wanted, I literally ask the world if I’m wanted. I ask for the appreciation, I ask for the acknowledgement. I say, “Hey, I’m feeling a little down on myself right now, am I making a contribution? Am I being appreciated?” And then I get bombarded with amazing feedback from people that reassure me I’m loved for who I am and my contribution.

Soon enough, the emptiness, the feeling of not being wanted disappears. I begin to feel fortunate. Why? Because, all the self-doubt I have in myself is all in my head, nobody but me knows about it. So how in the world can it be real? I can’t touch it or see it, it’s all a dream.

When I check in with others, I’m checking in with reality, and the dream fades.

Written by James Wong. You can join him as he continues to inspire others to live above and beyond who they see themselves to be, here, the Remarkable Love Letters. (Please click this link http://eepurl.com/huWKw)

Sometimes nothing you do seems to be enough. You can’t shake the feeling of being insufficient in some way to the purpose that you are trying to achieve. You try an action that you think will send you in the right direction and it doesn’t. So you try something else, and that doesn’t always work either. It zaps your energy and before you know it, you don’t know where you are, how to get where you want to go, or how you can possibly muster the energy to keep on truckin’.

So what do you do? What I have learned this week is that you celebrate the small victories.

I  briefly held a smile before I remembered the weight that is weighing on my shoulders. That’s a victory.

This week it was so easy for me to run on the days I have set out to run. No excuses. Nothing got in the way. I was looking forward to running and I did. That’s a victory.

While running, I realized it is now easier for me to run without stopping. At the end of the 20-30 minutes, I no longer feel like I’m going to die and even some days I feel like I could keep going. Don’t be confused, I’m not running for 30 minutes straight yet. I have a plan (Couch-to-5k program) that is building me up to that in intervals. But I meant that I’m meeting my intervals as suggested and I don’t feel like I’m doing to die. That’s a victory.

The weather was absolutely perfect for running this week. Not too hot, not too cold. Even though I didn’t have control over the weather, it was a blessing. That is a victory.

My boyfriend and I had a great conversation at the beginning of the week where he expressed empathy for me and I felt heard. Which in turn led me to feel important and valued. That’s a victory.

I felt for a moment today that I was taking a baby step towards the direction of my goals. This made me feel accomplished. That’s a victory!

Taking notice of these small victories help me start building up my momentum that it takes to get to the big victories. The running helps me build up to a 5k. Then a 10k. Which are both on my bucket list.  And then who knows!

The smile I held briefly reminds me of the blessings that I do have in my life and helps me reframe my thinking into positive thoughts.

That conversation with my boyfriend will lead to a strong and satisfying relationship for us both.

BOTTOM LINE:
The big victories are made up of a lot of small victories. That is the point of this week’s behind the scenes. Sometimes you just can’t tackle the big challenges head on. Either you aren’t prepared or you just don’t have the energy to take on the big projects while also dealing with the daily responsibilities in your life.  Tackle the small ones that don’t require a lot of energy. Then use that momentum of those smaller successes to propel you into the victories that make you stop and think “How the hell did I just do that? Oh yes, because I am awesome!”

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

Connect with me on Google+.

In contrast, when I don’t feel heard it isn’t quite as rosy. I feel unimportant. I feel knocked down. I feel like my feelings are invalid in the eyes of the other person.

Sometimes the other person doesn’t mean to make me feel this way. I know this from experience. I know that in the past when I have made someone feel as if I wasn’t hearing them, I never intended to make them feel unimportant or knocked down. I can assume that if I have made people feel unheard unintentionally, then it’s possible that people sometimes make me feel unheard unintentionally.

Feeling heard makes me feel connected to the person I chose to open up to. Connection is a driving factor in my life. I need connection with others. Most of us need connection with others. It’s a common human desire. When I feel like someone hears me and can relate to what I’m saying, I feel loved. There is no greater thing you can give a person. That is the importance of feeling heard. When you hear someone, you are indirectly telling them I value what you are saying. I value you.

So what can we do? I intend to be more conscious in my conversations today. Am I meeting my needs? Am I truly understand the needs of the person speaking to me? If I don’t fully understand them, is there a way to gain clarity? Perhaps asking them outright. Perhaps listening in a more conscious way. Once I understand their needs, is there a way that I can make them feel heard?

Would you be willing to join me in asking yourself these things also?

Breathe. Live. Love.

Lindsay

Connect with me on Google+