I think it’s a pretty funny article. Head on over and see if you can relate, and then–since it was written for men to help explain women–get your husband to read it, too!

Just click on the picture below to read the article:

Related posts:

1. Wifey Wednesday: Why Women Need to Talk to Warm up
2. I’m so Glad We Have Romance
3. Wifey Wednesday: Women Are Not Like Slow Cookers

I can understand why people think that. After all, sex is something enjoyable, and we don’t want to get so uptight that we don’t live life to the fullest. And with most couples living together now before marriage, it’s assumed that everyone will have sex.

Even those in the church don’t really wait. In the survey I did for my research for my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that only 37% of Christian women actually did wait until their wedding night. Most of us are starting marriage with sexual experience. So if that’s true, is it really such a big deal?

Yep. Here’s the thing: of those who did make love to their now husbands before they were married, many expressed amazing regret. But of the virgins, not one said, “I wish I had been more experienced.”

And that makes sense, because sex is so much better when it’s kept between marriage. I know abstinence seems impossible, but it’s not. And when you wait, you open yourself up to the best sex life possible, because those who tend to enjoy sex the most tend to be those who waited for marriage. And there’s reasons for that: you have less sexual baggage; you end up being better friends; you feel closer to God; and you learn to appreciate all aspects of sex, and not just the physical pleasure. I wrote a long article about the benefits of waiting a while back, and it’s been linked to a ton on Pinterest this week, which reminded me about it, and made me think that perhaps I should remind you of it, too.

So please read it, and share it with your friends who aren’t married yet. Waiting until you’re married is a blessing. It sets you up for marriage right. And it is absolutely possible.

I was also reminded of this by this YouTube clip I saw passed around Twitter lately: a young man explains “sex, love, and fairytales”. Again, excellent. Please share it with young people you know!

And the best way to share? Just hit the Facebook buttons or Twitter buttons below, and then tell your friends to read & watch these. (And can you hit the Facebook F button and not just the Like? That way they’ll see it in their newsfeed easier. Thank you!)

Wait until marriage. It’s such an important issue. And we’ve forgotten that it’s not just possible; it’s actually wonderful and freeing. And in all of February, we’re starting the 29 Days to Great Sex for those of you who are already married! So stay tuned (and subscribe below!).

Related posts:

1. Wifey Wednesday: Why Wait?
2. Help When You’re Too Loose to Make Love–or Too Tight
3. Four Things That Make a Man Husband Material

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here’s this week’s.

Last week my husband and I rented the surprisingly enjoyable film Moneyball, loosely based on the 2002 baseball season for the Oakland A’s. The team faced a huge challenge: as a small budget enterprise, they couldn’t compete with the large teams in terms of payroll, so all of their good baseball players were lured away by big bucks.

The General Manager threw the playbook out the window and decided to do something drastic. Instead of trying to recruit individual stars, they’d focus on building a team using statistics to identify the most undervalued players. That year, at one third of the budget of the New York Yankees, they won the same number of games. Now almost all the major baseball clubs use their analysis.

I hope some politicians watch the movie, because they could use this message: when money is tight, you can’t play by normal rules. You must get back to basics and investigate what actually works, instead of doing what everyone assumes works. It’s time to make sure we’re getting value for our dollars.

Value and government aren’t exactly two words that we’d normally put together. Too often politicians pour money into programs because it makes them sound caring, not because the program actually does any good. The Washington establishment was rocked last week when a new report leaked showing that the Head Start program, which provides preschool and other services to low income families, doesn’t actually work. Seven billion dollars a year, and any gains the kids receive from Head Start evaporate after a few years of school. Turns out that preschool can’t make up for a lack of parent involvement.

The problem with programs like these is that no politician wants to be the one to pull the plug. Can you imagine cancelling Head Start? You’d be raked over the coals. No one wants to take money from poor children, even if that money is being badly spent.

I’m amazed our Canadian government has actually just about succeeded in cancelling one boondoggle—the long gun registry—after one billion dollars was sent down the hole. We’re rid of the Canadian Wheat Board, too. Both those moves surprise me, because how often does government actually cancel something? Usually, once a department or program has funding, it’s like a vampire. It can’t be killed, no matter how how many stakes you drive through its heart.

Every politician wants to be seen as being pro health care, pro children, and pro seniors. But what if there’s a truth that no amount of money can change: government programs can’t make up for unhealthy families. A good preschool teacher can’t make up for parents not reading to the children at night, or for Daddy walking out, or for that revolving door of Mommy’s boyfriends.

The more money we spend on programs that don’t work, though, the less money we have to spend on stuff that could make things better, and the more debt we dump on our children. We shouldn’t judge people’s level of caring by how much government money they’re willing to devote to programs. We should judge it on whether or not they’re interested in what actually works, instead of just trying to look “caring” for the news.

So let’s take a lesson from the Oakland A’s. A winning strategy doesn’t depend on throwing money at the most obvious thing. It depends on analyzing what actually works—gasp!—and not going with mere emotion. It depends on sticking to one’s budget, and since there is limited money, putting that money where it is likely to do the most good—even if it seems radical at first. But politicians can’t do it unless voters get behind them. Maybe if we started to demand actual value, and substance over style, we’d finally get a government that did some good.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week:

Related posts:

1. Poverty of Relationship
2. Why Are Struggling Young Families Paying for Wealthy Seniors?
3. Government Isn’t Your Mommy

But Zondervan, my publisher, has put up 47 pages that you can read right now! This is the introduction to the book–the part where I’m going over what sex is supposed to be about. Right after this part the book splits into three sections: one section on making the physical side of sex great, one on making the spiritual side of sex great, and one building your friendship and laughing through everything. Then, at the end, we put everything together to look at what a fun, exciting sex life is in marriage.

So this isn’t the explicit stuff, but it’s the foundational stuff, and you can read it here.

The book’s out on February 28, but right now you can order it for a significant pre-release price at Amazon!

I’m planning a big launch party, with a blog tour, a live Facebook chat, a live Twitter chat, and more, along with an amazing contest Zondervan is running (where you can win either a first or second honeymoon), so join me in February for the 29 Days to Great Sex where it will all be announced!

Related posts:

1. Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Doesn’t Feel That Great

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

In just a few days, on February 1, we’re going to be starting our 29 Days to Great Sex. It’s leading up to the launch of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (and an awesome contest where you can win a first–or second–honeymoon!). In writing the book, I conducted a bunch of surveys, which many of you participated in (thank you!). And one thing I found was that, for most people, sex wasn’t that great early in the marriage. It gets better with time, trust–and practice!

So today I thought I’d give us a chance to share stories of AWFUL wedding nights, especially because I think too often in the Christian church we romanticize the wedding night a little too much. Here’s an excerpt from my book that talks about this:

A few weeks before my wedding, I bought a bestselling Christian sex book. I read it cover to cover while sitting in the bathtub. (That’s where I get most of my reading done. It’s just a little dangerous when I’m reading library books.) Instead of helping me feel confident about my wedding night, it left me a nervous wreck. And a little angry besides.

First, it was all about the mechanics of sex. The book’s focus was on making sure that you, the woman, had an orgasm on your very first sexual encounter. It went through everything you were supposed to do and everything he was supposed to do in explicit detail, complete with a time schedule. After reading and raging at the book, I drowned it. I stuffed it under the water and held it there until it died, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.

Let me try to explain why I felt so homicidal toward a book. I didn’t like feeling as if my every action was prescribed. I didn’t want sex to feel choreographed. I didn’t want to feel like there was a right way to do things. But perhaps most importantly, I didn’t want the night to be so stressful that it could be measured based on whether I had “succeeded.” What if I simply wanted to get comfortable with my husband and have fun exploring rather than trying to force my body to do something?

Given that that particular book sold hundreds of thousands of copies, I’m sure it helped many women enjoy their wedding nights. But there is a trend in Christian thinking that goes something like this: the wedding night is the big night you’ve been waiting for your whole life, so you had better do absolutely everything right or you will ruin it.

A lot of pressure, isn’t it?

Perhaps I’m being a party pooper. Perhaps that book is right, and we all should be aiming for physical bliss. So I decided to test my own hypothesis. I took a survey of married Christian women, some of whom had waited for the wedding to be sexually active and some of whom had made love before, and I asked them to rate the sex on their wedding night.

I discovered that despite selling so many copies, its message hadn’t succeeded in making wedding nights more explosive. Of the women in my survey who had been virgins when they were married, only fifteen percent reached orgasm on their wedding night through intercourse. Another seventeen percent reached it another way (we’ll talk about that later), but sixty-eight percent didn’t experience an orgasm at all. In fact, even among those who weren’t virgins, in no category did over 50 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse on the night they were married. It simply isn’t that common.

Here’s the way I see it: fireworks are great. Everyone wants fireworks. But the point of the wedding night is that it’s a wedding night. It’s about the marriage. The bliss is that you’re now together in every way. So you can now explore, have fun, and discover all on your own time. For some people, that’s going to mean fireworks right off the bat. For others it may take longer. But it doesn’t matter, because now you’re finally married, and you have decades to get it right!

Remember those 85 percent of virgins who did not have an orgasm through intercourse on their wedding night? Today 63 percent of those women usually or always do, and another 13 percent sometimes do. They got better with time.

I think that’s good news! And so maybe one of the best things that we could do is to stop all this pressure about the wedding night, and start saying something more like: The wedding night is wonderful because it’s the beginning of a journey together. That journey is awesome! But let’s celebrate the journey, rather than expecting the arrival all at once. Perhaps that would calm down a lot of nervous brides!

Personally, I had a horrible wedding night. I was so stressed to do everything right that I totally tensed up. And I felt like a total failure.

I would have been much better off if the wedding night hadn’t been such a big deal. Now some people may argue, “well, the wedding night wouldn’t be such a big deal if you Christians didn’t insist on saving sex until marriage”, but that’s not the issue. Sex is best when you’re married, and God said that’s where it belongs. So that’s non-negotiable. And incidentally, even those who weren’t virgins didn’t tend to have great wedding nights. The problem isn’t that we’re virgins; the problem is that there’s too much pressure!

So I want this post to serve as a pressure valve to engaged women. Don’t worry about it too much, and you’ll have much more fun! Here’s an awesome one that my friend Lisa wrote a while back:

I was a painfully shy, naive bride. I’d never really seen a man full-on naked, and you can forget about having intimate knowledge of too much else. I learned the hard way that not all honeymoon suites are created equal.

Read on to hear what she found about faux fur, leopard prints, and jacuzzis that didn’t work!

Now some of you likely had great nights, and more power to you. But I don’t think that’s the norm. If you had a bad wedding night, can you write a lighthearted post about it, and then link back here so we can all laugh with you? Or just leave something in the comments! Maybe if we got rid of this idea that wedding nights HAVE to be great or we’ve failed then a lot of new brides would start marriage on much better footing! Marriage is so much fun, and it’s an amazing blessing. But give yourself a break. It may take a while to feel totally comfortable. But that’s okay! And the more relaxed and excited about it you are, and the less pressure you feel, the happier you will be.

Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Related posts:

1. Wifey Wednesday: Wedding Do-Overs
2. Wifey Wednesday: The Honeymoon
3. Wifey Wednesday: How Important is a Date Night?

Yesterday I wrote about how teaching our kids appropriate relationships with the opposite sex pretty much requires that you show some affection towards both your kids and your spouse. They need to see healthy relationships, and they need to get some affection from you.

But what do you do if you’re just not a touchy person?

One commenter asked this question on the blog a while ago, and I thought today was a good day to address it:

I have never been very huggy, kissy, and feely. It makes me uncomfortable. Even with my husband. Now sure why this is. But he is very touchy. Not just sex, but just touching, hugging, and kissing. ANy ideas on how to enjoy touching? How to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. To enjoy being together?

Here are some thoughts:

1. Recognize how Important Touch Is

Hugging is actually linked to healthier hearts. One Smart Heart article says:

Well, it appears that human contact through hugs lowers blood pressure and reduces stress, which cuts the risk of heart disease. Hugs have also been shown to improve overall mood, increase nerve activity, and a host of other beneficial effects. Positive physical touch has an immediate anti-stress effect, slowing breathing and heart rate.

Here’s how it works. When you touch and hug, your body produces oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes you feel closer to someone, and that also reduces blood pressure. So hugging is a good thing!

I have seen these stats before, but I don’t know where they originate. However, I’m pretty sure they’re right:

We need four hugs a day for healthy survival, eight hugs a day for emotional strength, and 12 hugs a day to really grow and be empowered.

If we know hugs are that important, then it’s easier to start “embracing” the idea–and the practice!

2. Be Deliberate About It

Now that being said, I’m not really a touchy person on average. I’m always touching my husband, but I don’t hug friends very often (though interestingly I have no problem hugging business/speaking acquaintances I don’t see very often. Weird). I have to make a point to remember to hug my mom. I have noticed my older daughter getting like this, too. While she touches her own sister a ton, she doesn’t really instigate hugs with me or with her dad. She hugs some friends, but she’s not overly touchy.

So I just tell myself, several times a day: it’s time to hug Becca. Or, when she walks by me, I stroke her hair, or pat her hand or something. I just reach out and touch. It’s not entirely natural to me, but I make a point of it because I know we both need it.

My younger daughter, on the other hand, I’m always touching because she is a touchy person and she will instigate it. A few years back, probably when Becca was about 11 and Katie 9, I realized that I touched Katie a lot more than I touched Becca. So I made a point of starting to touch Becca more, and it really does help.

Let me tell you about a friend of mine that we’ll call Dana. She grew up in a house that didn’t touch, and so for her, it’s not a natural instinct to touch people. But her husband and her son definitely have touch as their primary love languages. So she’s taught herself: When my son is on the couch, sit beside him and rub his back. Or remember to hug my husband when he’s standing in the kitchen.

She found it strange, but she now finds that she really enjoys touch. It’s still not second nature, but she’s proud of herself. And you can do it, too!

Sometimes what it takes is simply telling yourself: “everytime I see my son do X, I will reach out and hug him.” Or, “everytime I’m walking with my husband I’ll take my hand.” You’ll have to figure out situation-specific times when you will reach out and touch, because you’re unlikely to just think to do it. But as you touch more, you’ll likely find it easier.

Of course, touch can also be difficult when the person that you’re touching isn’t particularly affectionate, either. But don’t let awkwardness stop you. I have known adults who decided, “even though my dad has never hugged me, I’m going to start hugging him.” And he resisted at first, but eventually he found he really liked it. So push past the awkwardness, because physical touch does add a lot to a relationship.

3. Ask Yourself Why You Don’t Like Touch

Look, some people just aren’t that touchy. I’m only touchy in certain situations; in others I’m not touchy at all. There’s nothing wrong with not being particularly touchy. But sometimes it’s  not just that touch isn’t our natural instinct; it’s that when we do touch it causes panic, or discomfort, or anxiety of some sort. That seems to be the case with our commenter, who said that she just doesn’t enjoy touching, and her husband does, and she finds it uncomfortable.

Again, this doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily neurotic or that something’s wrong with you. But honestly, if it is a big issue, then perhaps it’s worth looking into and praying over the issue about whether you have a real need to be in control. Some people really want their personal space, and they don’t want others to invade it, because then they feel panicky. They need their independence and their illusion that they are in control and thus safe.

If that’s the case for you, praying through this is likely a good idea, because it could be hindering your ability to form great relationships. Most people, even if they’re not particularly “touchy”, can learn to touch if they put their mind to it. If you find that you can’t, then the issue may go a little bit deeper. I’d suggest just starting out with small things, like holding your husband’s hand, or cuddling with your child at night. And then build up to more. But at the same time, really pray and talk to someone to see if there are some issues that need to be dealt with.

Whatever you do, though, don’t just use the “touch isn’t my love language, and that’s not a big deal” line. Sure, you may not want to touch much, but touch is good for you, and even if it’s not your love language, you can learn to touch, and everyone will benefit from it.

 Now it’s your turn: Have you had to teach yourself to be touchy? Or do you have a child or a husband who isn’t touchy? What have you done to reach out?

Related posts:

1. Teaching Your Kids Appropriate/Healthy Relationships with the Opposite Sex
2. Evil and Odd
3. When I Find it Hard to Pray as a Family….

Recently I’ve had several readers either email or ask through my Facebook Page virtually the same question. It goes something like this:

How can I teach my kids about modesty/waiting until they’re married, but also encourage them to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex? How can I make sure that I’m not making them paranoid about sex and the opposite gender, but also that I’m not encouraging them to date?

So I thought I’d tackle that question!

I think many of the questioners were looking for a “curriculum” or a program that you could use, and I do know some good ones. Secret Keeper Girl, for instance, gives you 8 dates to take your 8-11 year old daughter on that help her think about modesty in a healthy way. Similarly, Passport to Purity, a set of CDs and activities that mom does with daughter or dad does with son, helps you go over all the facts of life, including what happens at puberty, and talk to them in a less stressful way about waiting until they’re married. That one is focused on slightly older kids, say 10-13, and helps you make sure that you haven’t missed out on any important information they’re going to need to have.

However, they’re not enough, and that’s really what I want to talk about in this post.

I did both programs with my oldest (don’t we always do more with our oldest than with our younger ones?). I didn’t do either with my younger daughter. But my younger daughter is just as determined to wait until she’s married for sex, is adamantly against dating as a young teen, and has very healthy relationships.

In fact, both my girls have boys as their closest friends, though it’s not a romantic relationship or anything. I had boys as my closest friends in high school, too. And so they’re both very comfortable with both genders, but also very committed to waiting until they’re married.

So how do you raise kids like that? Here are some thoughts:

1. Model Affection with Your Husband

I have met many adults who grew up in more physically reserved homes, who learned as adults how to touch, and who reported loving friends’ homes where more touching took place. I have one friend who was not touchy at all, though her husband’s family was, and she’s had to learn to be more touchy for her husband and her kids–but she now enjoys it. In general, we like hugging.

I have yet to meet anyone who feels that their home was TOO physically demonstrative, and they were trying to learn to hug less.

So I say: you can’t go wrong by touching your kids a lot and by touching your spouse a lot. People do yearn for affection. And when your children see you and your husband kissing, and hugging, and even some rather passionate kisses, that’s just part of a healthy family. The kids need to know that you enjoy your husband. So gross them out every now and then! My girls have one friend who comes over quite a bit who jokes that she always is really loud before walking into our kitchen because she’s never sure if she’s going to turn the corner and find “Mr. and Mrs. Gregoire making out”. But she thinks it’s funny.

When your children see that you enjoy being with your husband, they learn that sex in marriage is healthy, is fun, and is awesome–not something to be ashamed about or scared of. And they learn that all this talk about how marriage is boring is nothing but talk. They know the reality. On the other hand, if you yourself are a little  uptight about sex, and so you don’t show your husband much affection, your children will pick up on that. They will absorb your hangups. So force yourself out of your comfort zone. Sex is a healthy part of marriage; believe that, show it, and your kids will believe it, too.

If you’re a single mom and you can’t do this, then talk to your kids about it anyway. And, if possible, make sure that they develop a close relationship with an aunt/uncle or with a family from church who is affectionate, so they have a chance to see this in action. I still remember loving going over to Mr. and Mrs. Timpson’s house when I was a young teen, because they always held hands. I thought that was sweet.

2. Be Affectionate with Your Kids

Going along with that first point, it’s important to touch your children and hug them, too. Obviously you don’t want to smother them, but children do yearn for touch. If they don’t get it from you, they’re more likely to look for it in the opposite sex. When my kids were little, we all spent a lot of time on the bed just cuddling and wrestling and rolling around. It’s funny, because as they’ve grown, my girls have not stopped doing that, though they’re 17 and 14. My youngest likes to “tuck” my oldest into bed, which usually involves squeezing her until she can’t breathe, and all kinds of other over the top wrestling things. They often end up laughing for a good half hour before bed–but it’s because they’re touching.

This can be trickier if you have boys, or if you have kids of the opposite sex, but wrestling, leaning against each other while you’re watching a movie, all of those things are perfectly healthy. And the more your husband can hug and touch the girls in a healthy way, the less likely they are to seek out affection from a dating relationship.

My husband had an adjustment to make when the kids hit puberty, and he found he couldn’t wrestle them or hug them in the same way. For a while he stopped hugging them, because it was awkward, but then he realized that was the exact wrong thing to do, so he’s found a compromise now. Kids need physical affection.

3. Fill Your Home with Peers

They’ll get their affection from you and the modelling of appropriate marriage relationships from you, but you can’t give them everything. For other things they’ll need other people. And one of the most important things you can do is to give your kids healthy opportunities to make friendships of the opposite sex.

The easiest way to do this is to have people over for dinner with kids around the ages of your kids. One of the problems that parents sometimes get into is that they talk about dating in such a negative way, and talk about sex in such a negative way, that kids decide “boys are yucky” or “girls are scary” and they never want to have anything to do with them. That’s not healthy, either. What you want is for your kids to figure out healthy platonic relationships, which really are possible.

I mentioned in this post recently that our family has gone camping every summer and up to a hunting camp in the winter with a family for the last 12 years. They have boys almost the same age as our girls, and the two boys and two girls have grown up together.

That’s really healthy. They learn that boys are very different from them, but they also have almost a brother/sister relationship with these guys because they’ve been together since they were so small. (Of course, I suppose at some point one of those relationships may turn to something more, but that can be healthy, too, right?).

Don’t assume that just because your children are in school or at church that they’ll learn good relationships with the opposite sex. First, kids tend to sex segregate and don’t always talk to the other gender. Also, schools and even some churches are not always the healthiest environments. When you have a smaller number of kids under your own roof, it’s easier for the kids to learn how to talk to each other, because they have to.

So just make your home an open place, where you have other kids over, and your children will learn to develop healthy relationships. An added bonus: your children see you interacting with other men, so they see the difference between how you act with their dad and how you act with Mr. Smith. And they see that it is possible to just have a nice friendship.

4. Talk to Your Kids

Finally, talk to your children about what you expect and what’s healthy. In fact, talk to your kids about just about anything at all. The more your talk to your kids, the more you keep lines of communication open so that they will come to you with questions.

The kids who grow up with either hangups about sex, and are too shy and never talk to the opposite sex, are often those who were not shown affection, didn’t witness affection, and had no natural outlets to make friends. On the other hand, those who grow up to be boy crazy or girl crazy are also often those who didn’t always talk about these things openly with their parents.

So programs like Secret Keeper Girl or Passport to Purity are great at starting conversations, but that’s all they are. You need to keep the conversation going, and you need to keep modelling what you want your children to do. Do that, and I doubt you’ll have to worry that your children will grow up with hangups about sex, or about the opposite sex!

Now it’s your turn: Do you have trouble being affectionate with your spouse in front of your kids? Are  you a touchy person–or not? Let’s talk in the comments!

Related posts:

1. Thoughts on Teaching Kids Discipline
2. Teaching Kids to Pray: The Five Finger Method
3. Teenage Relationships in the Age of Texting

Did you get a Kindle for Christmas? I bought three of them: one for youngest daughter (Thing 2), one for hubby, and one for my mom. Unfortunately no one bought me one, but I’m having fun on my iPad!

Anyway, my daughter has now learned the art of downloading books, and she loves it! And so I thought I’d give you some quick reviews of books I’ve read recently which you may like to buy for your Kindle–or purchase as a “real” book, if that’s more your style.

What do you do when you’re desperate? The Maid of Fairbourne Hall is by one of my favourite Christian authors, Julie Klassen, who tries to recreate the Jane Austen world, without necessarily being Jane Austen. I’ve really enjoyed all the books I’ve read by her, and this one is no different. The book opens with heiress Margaret Macy needing to escape her home, because her stepfather is determined to have her marry his degenerate nephew, so he can control the fortune she’ll inherit on her birthday.

While Margaret has withstood his advances, she overhears the man directing his nephew to rape her, if necessary, so that she doesn’t have a choice about the marriage. No one will take a soiled girl.

So this young woman, who has always been pampered, flees and is forced to take a job as a maid in the home which–coincidentally, as always happens in novels–belongs to a man whose proposal she once rebuffed.

The theme of the novel is really getting past appearances and figuring out what reality is. She’s forced out of her pampered lifestyle and learns to work, and in the process starts noticing all the “little people” she ignored most of her life. She also finds the tables turned, as she begins to value character rather than fortune, and notices that the man she has was hoping to marry is actually a lout.

Klassen recreates the early 1800s almost effortlessly, and brings us into an era of corsets, dresses, maids, and yes, even chamberpots. It’s a great read, and a great reminder that character and faith are what ultimately matter in a person, not prestige or popularity.

In terms of my “rating scale for novels” that I sort of talked about on Monday, I’d put this one as extremely safe. No unneeded sex scenes, and no “we’re so breathlessly physically attracted to each other that we must marry” like some books have. Yes, there’s a kissing scene, but it’s not gratuitous. And there is reference to sex, and especially sexual exploitation, but that’s just real life. So I really like it. You can find The Maid of Fairbourne Hall here, or on Kindle here.

Tamera Alexander’s A Lasting Impression is another book I’ve enjoyed lately. Like the previous book, part of the plot revolves around a young woman who is penniless and alone in the world, having to try to figure out an honourable way to support herself. In this case, Claire Laurent is fleeing her dead father’s business associate, who is trying to lure her into continuing her life forging paintings. Claire’s mother was an excellent forger, and she taught her craft to her daughter, who continued, reluctantly, at her father’s insistence. When her father comes to harm, Claire flees, and wonders if she can build a life that isn’t based on deceit.

It’s an interesting story about how one can’t compromise on morality. As she comes to be employed at a rich woman’s house, she slowly discovers what it is to live with integrity.

One of the passages that stuck out the most to me was not about Claire herself, but about how her patronness and employer has come to deal with the losses in her own life. Tamera puts these words in Mrs. Acklen’s mouth:

We should not expect to have all the blessings of life and none of its trials. It would make this world too delightful a dwelling place, and I fear we would never care to leave it…As it is…I have come to believe that it’s only by taking some of those objects from us to which our hearts so closely cling that He endeavors, in His kindness, to draw us from this world to one of greater happiness.

Adelicia Acklen was a real woman, and I believe that these words were actually written by the historical Mrs. Acklen, left behind in letters. Tamera Alexander researched the woman at length to write this book, and included many quotations from Mrs. Acklen. I thought that one was beautiful.

I am not of the doctrine that God deliberately takes good things from us to teach us a lesson. But I do believe that this world is marred, and that evil and illness and sickness come, and one of the deep blessings in those things is that they teach us to yearn for heaven.

Anyway, a lovely book, and while this one has a few more breathless kisses, I’d still rate it as safe. The kisses are not salacious, they’re part of the plot, and they’re part of a romance based on real friendship and camaraderie and not just physical affection.

You can purchase A Lasting Impression here, or by Kindle here.

Some more great reading:

What if the major inequalities in our society aren’t based on income, but are actually based on culture? Charles Murray’s essay in the Wall Street Journal is long, but just excellent.

I was interviewed by The National Post last week on sex toys and Christians. Here’s the article (It looks like a condensed version). I haven’t read it yet. I’m too scared! So tell me if it’s any good or not.

And if you like my blog, and you want to keep reading it, can I ask you to subscribe, if you haven’t already? You can read it in a Reader, like Google Reader or Yahoo, or you can get it emailed directly to your inbox. Just click on the orange subscribe button on the right hand sidebar! Have a great weekend!

Books have been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.  Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

Related posts:

1. Christmas Reading
2. Some Easy Reading for You…
3. Weekend Round-Up

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here’s this week’s.

The Costa Concordia, which ran aground last week off the coast of Tuscany, was, in part, a feminist tragedy. At the time of this writing, twenty-nine people are still missing and eleven are dead.

Why do I think feminism is implicated in it? Because, according to some passengers, when it became clear that lifeboats were necessary, some crew pushed past women and children to get to the lifeboats first, while many burly male passengers did the same thing. By some passenger accounts, it came down to the waiters and servers, who were not trained in operating the lifeboats, to help people off the ship. Even the captain abandoned his passengers, leaving pregnant women behind him.

When the Titanic sank, the men followed the “women and children” first rule. In fact, you were more likely to survive as a third class female passenger than a richer male one. But that was a century ago. We have progressed since then. Now it’s every man—and woman—for themselves.

In the comments I’ve been reading on the news reports, people seem to agree that children should be given priority, but there’s a heated debate about the women. We’re equal, so why should a man lose a place to a woman? Why should a man have to help a woman when he’s in danger, too?

And, as disgusting as I find that question, it makes sense. In 1912 it was a different world. Personal responsibility was still the main ethos of the day. People took care of their neighbours; they did not wait for government to do it for them. And people had a code of honour that included helping others when you could.

Somehow we have lost that. It is no longer about honour and what we should do for others; it has become what others should do for us. We’re supposed to snatch from life everything we can get, not give up things to help others. Perhaps it’s part of the demise of religion. In 1912, most believed in God and an afterlife. They knew this was not all there is. Today many believe our lives are comprised of just these few short years we get on earth. So we had better to take what we can.

This seemed to have been the philosophy of the European staff on the ship. By passenger reports, it was the “Third World” waiters and housekeeping staff that helped in the tragedy, while many from Europe, including the captain, fled. Obviously there are exceptions, such as the British dancers who formed human chains to get passengers on board the lifeboats, but those who were supposed to help largely did not. The wait staff tend to be the cream of the crop from their countries, and they still have honour. And so they stayed.

Honour and integrity are integral to a healthy society, but they will not coexist in large measure with constant demands for rights, and privileges, and special status. That’s why feminism largely destroyed chivalry. If women are as good as men, then why should men be honourable to help us? In fact, by helping men can too easily be criticized, because they are implying women are weak.

Here’s a news flash: we are. On the whole, women are weaker than men. That’s why women and children were supposed to go first. It was a recognition of reality. The stream of feminism that says the genders are the same—and granted, not all feminists believe this—is an attempt to distort reality to achieve a political aim. Many female passengers this week are disgusted with the males on board, as well they should be. But we should not be surprised, because it is the society that we created that shoved aside honour in the first place.

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UPDATE: I wrote the column before the recording was made public of the Coast Guard captain yelling at the Concordia captain. I thought it was really interesting, because the Coast Guard guy was actually concerned about women and children, and trying to do things right. Plus, the whole thing is just mesmerizing in how awful Captain Schettino’s cowardice was. If you haven’t seen it yet, just listen:

Related posts:

1. When the World Isn’t Safe for Women
2. Women Have it Good
3. Why Good People Can Raise Bad Children

It is a weird thing to see your child grow up. It’s not that I’m sad about it; I’m actually enjoying these years quite a bit. She’s become a friend and a confidant in a way–inasmuch as a daughter can be, since I still order her around a lot and nag her to do the dishes. But we can talk about real things, and she can even help me work through some of my own angst and problems (especially if those problems have to do with computers!).

Of my daughters, she is the one who is most like me in personality. It’s not that I’m closer to her than I am with Katie; I’m very close to both. But it’s just different, because with Becca I almost always know what she’s thinking. But she’s far more confident and sure of herself at 17 than I was, because she’s had a much more secure upbringing. And so I find these years of parenting fun, because it’s neat to see what she’s turning into, and what choices she’s making.

She’s spending the day on a fun shopping trip with my mother before we head out to a nice dinner.

Happy birthday, honey!

2. I mentioned earlier this week that I’ve been recording the audiobook version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Basically I go into the recording studio and read the whole thing out loud while the recording tech, who is a friend of mine, listens in. It’s a little AWKWARD, to say the least. But I learned something yesterday. I cannot say “elapsed since“. Seriously. Just try it. It took me six tries, and finally I gave up and just paused between the two words. Can’t do it.

I have two more days of recording, and then I shall rejoice big time that it is done!

3. I just want to say thank you so much to you, my awesome readers. I’m not sure what happened, but my after blogging for almost four years with about the same traffic, suddenly in October my traffic started to spike, and it’s now triple what it was just three months ago. So welcome all my new readers, and all my faithful ones, thanks for sticking in there!

I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciated the comments on my Tuesday post. I wasn’t looking for all of that affirmation, but it was so nice to get it (you have no idea!). Here are just a few:

Personally, I am very thankful that you are so willing to talk about sex. It IS an awkward conversation topic. But I have struggles with intimacy in my marriage and so it is with great relief that I find a Christian woman talking about it and helping me solve the problems I have (because they are usually M Y problems and not my husband’s). Thanks for being transparenct, honest, and, at the same time, discreet and not vulgar.

I’m so thankful for you and your openness, you have really helped my marriage because of your perspective and advice I was able to change my way of thinking when it comes to sex. Now my marriage is happier, more intimate, has less conflict, just overall better and I have you to thank, so thank you and I can’t wait to buy your new book when it comes out.

I’m really looking forward to the book. I have had problems sexually and looked for help on the net. To be honest, most people have just told me to NOT have sex because I don’t want to. And their advice hasn’t helped me at all. Turns out the solution to not wanting to have sex ISN’T to avoid it. I have been helped so much by your blog. So thank you! My husband thanks you too

Those are just a few, but I appreciated all of them. It really is humbling to be able to be used to help marriages, especially when mine has not always been stellar. It’s as if God is using the things in my life that have not been great to help others now, which gives a purpose to some of the things that I’ve gone through. I think, looking back, that if marriage had always been easy for me, or sex had always been easy for me, I wouldn’t have been able to write this. So even though I shed a lot of tears in the past, I can now see how they were all worth it.

Anyway, I’m back to the recording studio in just a few minutes! But a few comments on recent items in the news:

1. The Captain on the Costa Concordia disgusts me. More on that in my column tomorrow, but I just can’t believe what he did.

2. As a Canadian, Obama’s decision on the Keystone Pipeline yesterday, to me, is inexplicable. But it is an American decision, and I respect that. I just will never understand it. (not to get too political, but I just thought I’d throw that in!).

Related posts:

1. Random Thoughts
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3. Monday Morning Thoughts