To Love, Honor and Vacuum

29 Days to Great Sex Day 16: How to Have an Orgasm

Sheila — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:50:14 +0000

Last year, after my husband and I gave the “sex talk” at a FamilyLife marriage conference, I was approached by a very determined woman.

“I have a question, and I’ve never found anyone I could ask. What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I’ve had one?”

Many women do not experience orgasm during sex. In the surveys that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, around 65% regularly orgasm during intercourse, but that leaves 35% who don’t. And some of those 35% have never had an orgasm at all.

I know this is a really sensitive and rather personal topic, but you can’t write 29 Days to Great Sex without talking about it! We’ve looked at how to increase friendship, self-esteem, play, and attitude, and today I want to spend today on something far more physically important because I know there are many women, like my conference participant, who honestly want to know.

So here’s what an orgasm is:

It’s the height of sexual pleasure. You tend to climax right after an exquisite tension when, if your husband stopped doing whatever he was doing, you’d likely burst out into tears. When you do orgasm, waves pass over you. Your legs tend to stiffen up. Your head often goes from side to side. And your vaginal muscles contract. Plus it feels very good.

Most women find it easier to orgasm to their husbands touching them than they do during intercourse, because the stimulation is more direct (we’ll talk about why this is tomorrow). But what do you do if you’ve never experienced an orgasm, or if they tend to be rather rare?

I’ve asked J from Hot, Holy and Humorous to share some thoughts, and then I’ll share some extras of my own. Here’s J:

I recently got a question from a commenter. Here’s what she (Anonymous) said:

“My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to believe that I can’t. I love sex… I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?”

Without further ado, here’s my rendition of:

How to Orgasm

1. Don’t try

Yes, it’s a worthy goal. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you’re out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voila! there they are – the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.

Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.

2. Learn about your body.

There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. (Note from Sheila: I’ve got a ton of this in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!).

Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband’s, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.

You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he’s already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.

3. Slow way down.

Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.

And that’s okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.

4. Focus on the sensations.

The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it’s easy for us to think about sex and – sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what’s happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.

Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration – getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.

5. Communicate.

Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.

Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn’t mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he’ll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” move his hand and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Moans and groans also let a hubby know when he’s hit the jackpot.

6. Surrender to the moment.

Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.

Well, that’s it. Today’s tips for how to orgasm.

You know what was so great about this reader’s question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. “I love sex,” she wrote. By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don’t require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don’t hit that Big O, and that’s okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. But for women, sex can be great even without one.

Thanks, J!

Great tips. Let me give a little more perspective from my surveys. Women are more likely to orgasm once they’ve been married for a few years, so if it takes a while for things to work, that’s okay. Orgasm is the ultimate letting go; when you’re still shy early in your marriage, that can be difficult. Don’t worry about it. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get there (like those elusive shoes J talked about).

Now, some positions do make orgasm easier than others, and we’ll talk about that tomorrow. But for today, I like J’s advice: concentrate on pleasure first, and then how learning to relax, and it’s more likely to happen. One last thought for the men: if you put too much pressure on your wife to orgasm, and feel like a failure if she doesn’t, then she’s less likely to want to make love if she thinks she may not reach climax. It’s great to want to pleasure her; to pressure her, though, can often backfire. Just take things slowly, laugh a lot, leave time to explore, and let things happen as they happen.

Great Sex Challenge 16: Learn how to be completely mentally present while making love, and how to concentrate on the pleasure that you’re feeling. Redo yesterday’s challenge to concentrate on foreplay, and then take it one step further. If you’ve never experienced an orgasm, try to prolong foreplay to see if it happens. Concentrate on the pleasure, concentrate on what your body is feeling, and relax. If you have experienced orgasm through ways other than intercourse, but have a hard time experiencing one through intercourse, then spend a ton of time on foreplay, and then only start making love when you’re very excited. Keep concentrating on what your body is feeling, and learn to revel in the pleasure. Then just see what happens!

Tomorrow: More on how to experience pleasure by looking at the clitoris

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Sheila — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 08:19:05 +0000

We’re halfway through our 29 Days to Great Sex, which also means we’re halfway towards the launch of our amazing contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon, and halfway towards the official launch of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Make sure that you subscribe to the blog using the RSS icon so that you don’t miss the announcements! (by the way, I know today is Wifey Wednesday, but we’re doing something different for the month of February. But I’ve opened the linky below anyway!)

And welcome Roo Mag readers! You’ve picked a pretty “steamy” day to visit for the first time. I hope you enjoy it anyway–I think it’s done tastefully.

Yesterday we talked about how most women don’t necessarily feel “in the mood” before you start making love–it’s more a by-product of making love. But what if you never actually get aroused? That’s a problem!

And it’s likely because you’re not doing enough of the things that arouse you. So today, Day 15 of 29 Days to Great Sex, let’s talk today about foreplay: what it is, how to make it great, and how to figure out what you like.

Before we do that, let’s go over some misconceptions about foreplay:

1. Foreplay can get too clinical

If there’s too much “spend two minutes touching her breasts and then four minutes between her legs” while she lies there, it’s hardly going to be fun. It can seem like it’s rote–like he’s doing it just to get going, sort of like you prime an engine before it actually turns on. And if he aims for an especially sensitive area before you’ve spent any time kissing or holding each other, it can seem very intrusive.

For foreplay to be pleasurable, it needs to be part of the whole experience–not just something you have to do and want to get over with so that you can get to the main event.

Touching and exploring each others’ bodies should be fun. Foreplay, then, doesn’t always have to be the same thing, for the same amount of time. And if you spend a lot of time in foreplay, it can seem much more intimate, and it can make actual intercourse that much more intense.

2. Foreplay can be a one-way street

If foreplay consists entirely of him touching you (because he’s already in the mood, and you’re not), then it can make a lot of women feel somehow inferior. What’s wrong with me that I’m not ready?

Instead, make it about both of you. Touch him, too, so that it’s about feeling each other and experiencing each other, not just him making you try to catch up to where he’s already at, as if there’s something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you–and foreplay, when you both touch each other, makes sex so much more intense.

3. Foreplay can be routine

While there are certain things that feel good to women, if you do too much of the same thing it can get boring. What really makes a person aroused is a whole combination of things–feeling loved, feeling a little bit teased, having all the nerves firing. And one can do that in different ways. One of the sexiest things sometimes is to have your husband touch everything, very slowly, EXCEPT your real erogenous zones. That makes those zones ever so much more sensitive. So you don’t always have to do the same thing every night. And you don’t always have to use just fingers, either. Kiss each other. Feel with the whole hand. Rub your hair over him. Be creative. The more you get involved, the more exciting and fun it will be.

4. Foreplay can be too rough

Men like to be touched intimately much more firmly than women do. Men like to be squeezed, but if a guy touches a woman’s erogenous zones the way he likes to be touched, it’s going to hurt–or at least be very uncomfortable. Many women, when they’re new to sex, experience this and think, “I guess I don’t like my breasts touched”, or “I guess I don’t like foreplay.” That’s not true. He’s just never touched you the way you need to be touched.

Now, let’s look at How to Make Foreplay Wonderful

1. Tell Him What You Like

Here’s the hardest part: you’re going to have to communicate. Many women in the comments to this series have said that their husbands don’t touch them properly, and so why should they want to make love? But I wonder if they have ever told their husbands. It’s hard to be that personal, because many of us are embarrassed about what we’re feeling. And if something doesn’t feel good, we start to wonder if there’s something wrong with us.

If you’ve been married for quite some time and you’ve never told him that something that he does turns you right off, it can be even harder, because will you be hurting his feelings?

I know this is a sensitive subject, but you have to let him know. He honestly wants to give you pleasure, but he doesn’t know how you feel. So if he’s doing something a little bit too roughly, or not hitting exactly the right place, move his hand and show him. If you’re a little brave, you can even touch yourself and show him what you like.

Sometimes showing him how to touch you is easier if you begin by asking him how he likes to be touched. Experiment a bit and say, “Harder? Softer? More? Less?” If you’re asking the questions, he may then return the favour.

But please tell him! Do it sensitively and you won’t wreck his ego. But you may end up enhancing it if he can feel like he can actually give you pleasure.

2. Be an Active Participant

Feel him. Touch him. Change positions. Don’t only lie there, waiting for him to turn you on. If you’re active, the experience is more intimate, and you’ll enjoy it more!

3. Drag it Out to Relax You

Start with a bath or a massage to help you relax. Enjoy being naked together.

4. Don’t Rush It

Finally, don’t rush it. Give yourself proper time to get aroused, and for many women that takes a good 15 or 20 minutes. If you’re each doing things, and you’re relaxed, and you’re laughing together, too, that’s much better than feeling like “after he’s been touching me for 2 minutes I should be ready to go, so I guess we’ll just start”.

If you’re not sure what you like, and you’ve always been nervous about having all the attention on you during foreplay, I’d challenge you to redo the challenge from Day 5 and just let him feel your body for 15 minutes, while you don’t move. In fact, this is a great assignment to do over and over again! It takes the pressure off of you feeling like you should be ready, and it teaches him to figure out what you like (while also showing you what you like).

Remember, foreplay really isn’t optional. Most women are not “wet” enough to make love comfortably without some stimulation first. It’s not like intercourse is the main event, and everything else is sub-optimal. The whole experience is part of sex, not just intercourse. And this is a vitally important one, because it helps focus you not just on your genitals, but on your hands, your eyes, your mouth–everything. In many ways, it’s actually more personal, and even more intimate, than intercourse. So try to ramp up foreplay, and you’ll find sex more exciting!

Good Girl Challenge 15: Spend at least 15 minutes in foreplay. Seriously. Set the timer and don’t let yourself start intercourse until you’ve been kissing and exploring for at least 15 minutes. And show him what you like! Guys, if you’re reading this and your wife is shy, take the initiative and ask her. Finally, throw yourself into it, too. Touch him, and have fun! Your bodies are yours to explore. Don’t shortchange the time!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

Do you have anything about marriage that you want to share with us? Write your own post and link up, like we do every Wednesday for Wifey Wednesday!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 14: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

Sheila — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 07:40:29 +0000

Before we launch into Day 14 of 29 Days to Great Sex, I have to show you this! My books arrived yesterday! Here’s a 30 second clip of the first time I saw the printed version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:

So cool! And you can still order them for 30% off here.

Okay, now back to the task at hand. In looking at sex this month, we started with how we feel about sex, leading to how to have fun with your husband, and this week we’re looking at what happens when you wind up in the bedroom together at night. Now it’s Day 14 of 29 Days to Great Sex, which means it’s Valentine’s Day! For many of us that’s a lot of pressure. Sure we could buy him chocolates and a card, but we know what he really wants. Can we deliver?

Today I want to walk you all through how desire works in women, because I think we often misunderstand it.

In movies, a couple totally hot for each other, and so they fall into bed together. They’re both “in the mood”. They’re both aroused. And so they make love.

That’s honest. They make love because they want to make love. They’re in the mood, and they’re acting on that.

The problem is it’s also not realistic. Most women just are not “in the mood” at the drop of a hat, panting and waiting to fall into bed. A Psychology Today article explained this well:

That’s what University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women. Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.

What does that mean for us? It means that we need to rethink what being “in the mood” actually means. You see, men were designed to need very little stimulation. They see something and they’re ready to go. Women, on the other hand, simply don’t work that way. We need to relax, be able to concentrate on what’s going on, and slowly heat up. It’s not like there’s a physical need in the same way (which is not to say that women don’t get aroused, or that we aren’t bothered if we go for too long without sex; only that physiologically we tend to work very differently).

That means that to make love when you aren’t currently “in the mood” isn’t lying or being dishonest. Instead, what you’re doing is responding to your husband. He pursues you, and tries to arouse you, and then you respond. That actually makes perfect sense. Men, after all, are more the pursuer, and we are more the responder. That’s the way we were made. And so our bodies are made to respond to theirs; they weren’t made to necessarily be ready before the pursuit is actually begun.

I’m afraid that many women are missing out on how great sex can be, and what a great sex life they can have, because they figure they aren’t “in the mood” so they can’t, or it would be somehow akin to faking. But to start to kiss him when he wants to make love, and to start to let your hands wander, and to respond to his hands wandering, is not faking. It’s responding. And when you put your head in the game, as Rosemary Basson found, women do tend to heat up.

Now, if you never heat up, there could be several reasons, some of which we’ll cover in the next few days. You could have low testosterone, and if you never have sexy dreams, never get aroused, and never seem to desire sex, you should be checked for this. He could simply not have learned how to properly stimulate you, or perhaps because you don’t know yourself, and we’ll look more at that this week. Or you could have some issues with sex, such as past abuse, which you need to seek healing from. But in general, if your husband has learned what your body likes, and you make a decision to respond, your body will indeed follow.

It’s this decision part that’s so important. If you don’t make that mental leap that says, “I’m going to throw myself into this and enjoy it”, then you likely won’t. You have to turn on your own switch. No matter what he does, he can’t arouse you unless you decide to become aroused, because we control our own sex drive. And this, too, makes sense. If women automatically could become aroused no matter who they were with, then the pursuit really wouldn’t be as big a deal, would it? But women don’t automatically become aroused; we have to choose to let ourselves, which means that we are choosing to enjoy our husbands. He’s pursuing, and we’re choosing to be caught. Incidentally, this is what men often wish women understood. They desire sex not just for physical release, or even primarily for physical release. Sex is their way of seeing if we actually will respond to them and accept them. It’s their way of seeing whether we would choose them again. So what really interests a man is not his orgasm nearly as much as it is his wife’s ability–or choice–to respond sexually.

So how do you actually heat up? This is going to sound really strange, but trust me on this. When you’re making love and he’s touching you, keep asking yourself, over and over, “where do I want him to touch now? What feels good?” If you ask “where do I want him to touch now?”, then you’re paying attention to your body and you’re thinking about what it’s feeling. And that, in and of itself, is the key to arousal. You’re not letting yourself become distracted; you’re thinking about your physical body. And as you do, you’ll likely find that some body part does want to be touched. Just move his hand there and show him! And then the arousal will likely start.

With tonight being Valentine’s Day, many women will want to give their husbands a fun time. That’s great. Just remember that you don’t have to be “in the mood” first. You just have to love him and be willing to jump in, and then concentrate once you do. You’re deciding to accept him, and deciding to respond, and chances are your body will. (And if it still won’t, more on that in the next few days!).

Great Sex Challenge 14: Jump in and initiate sex, even if you don’t think you’re in the mood. Make a decision to have a fun time, and really throw yourself into it, and see if your body responds!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Sheila — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:24:45 +0000

It’s our 29 Days to Great Sex event, and I want to recap what we’ve done so far and let you in on what’s ahead this week.

We’ve looked at how to reframe how think about sex, how to reframe how we think about our bodies and about pleasure, and even how to think of our husbands differently. We’re looked at how to get in the right frame of mind during the day by flirting, and playing, and preparing for the evening.

This week we’re going to look at what to do when the evening finally arrives. Today we’ve going to look at how to get your head in the game, and then we’ll turn to foreplay, orgasm, and more!

Let me start with some basics that many men and women don’t understand about female libido, and it goes like this: if our heads are not in the game, our bodies won’t follow. If we are distracted by anything, then it’s difficult to get aroused. This is the exact opposite of men, whose bodies often react to visual stimuli even if they ARE distracted and don’t want to be thinking about sex. Most men react almost automatically; women need to decide to react.

I’ve often heard it said that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers, insinuating that men can heat up and be done quickly, while women take more time. But I think that analogy is false because it implies that women will, eventually, heat up. The truth is there is no guarantee. A guy can do exactly the same thing to his wife that yesterday had her in raptures, and today he can tell she’s lying there thinking, “will you just get it over with because I want to get to sleep.” While women certainly can heat up, men can’t do it completely for us. We control the switch. We’re the ones who need to decide to participate, and that’s not always easy.

Consider this scenario, that I shared with Paul Byerley, The Generous Husband, in a recent guest post:

You walk into your bedroom to find your husband giving you that “Y’wanna?” look. You smile, and undress while he looks on appreciatively. You climb into bed and start kissing. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you push him away and say:

“Do you think Michelle should drop piano? She just isn’t enjoying it and it’s costing us $20 a week in lessons, and a whole Tuesday night. We could take that money and go to a movie as a family and spend quality time together instead!”

What just happened? Did you decide you really didn’t want to have sex? Chances are your husband was pretty ticked, because he thought the evening was going in a certain direction, and now you’ve erected a big “Detour” sign.

I used to think that when I launched into a big monologue right in the middle of foreplay that subconsciously I was trying to push my husband away. But over the years I’ve realized that the opposite is the case. I can’t really get into making love if I have a lot of unprocessed thoughts in my head, because they end up bouncing around in there, like a huge pinball game. And my body doesn’t suddenly spring into action the way my husband’s does. I have to get myself in the mood, anticipate what we’re doing, and concentrate if it’s going to feel good. Like most women, sex for me is mostly in my head.

And if there’s too much other stuff rolling around in my head, my body won’t be able to get in the game. Part of getting ready for the big event, then, is to empty my head of all the stuff that’s rattling around in there. When I can get it out, I can let other stuff in.

There’s another element to this urge to talk, too. As we’ve talked about before, men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love. In other words, for men, making love is a way of checking in on the relationship, and making sure that everything is good. When we make love, they feel as if we accept them and want to be with them.

For women, though, we need to feel that acceptance first, and part of that is feeling as if our men understand our hearts. That’s why conversation is so key to a woman’s libido. She needs to feel as if she’s understood, but she also needs to feel as if all the details in her head that are bouncing around about her to-do list tomorrow, and her worries about the kids, are out in the open so that she isn’t distracted.

So if you want sex to be great, TALK. Talk earlier in the evening so that she feels loved, and also so that she has a chance to process all the things that are in her head. And women, if you have a lot of “logistic” type worries–like how am I going to manage my time and get everything done?–discuss these with your husband, too, because he may be able to figure out some things you can say no to, or some other strategy of dealing with everything.

And guys, if you’re reading this, understand that your wife’s urge to talk is not a rejection of you or a rejection of sex; it’s her way of getting her mind in gear and emptied out of all her concerns so that she can actually concentrate and enjoy sex.

Great Sex Challenge 13: Talk to each other about developing new habits of talking earlier in the evening and checking in with each other about your day. Can you go for a walk after dinner? Can you curl up on the couch for 15 minutes? Even keep a day planner near the bed so that together you can go over her schedule and fit errands in it so that she’s not worried. It takes 21 days for a habit to become ingrained, but start this one today: find regular, scheduled time just to TALK.

This may not sound sexy, but before we can move on to how to really enjoy sex, she absolutely must be able to get her head in the game, and that means dealing with the day’s stresses. So make this a habit; it will benefit both of you!

My new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is filled with information about the differences in a man’s libido and a woman’s libido and what we both need to get it fired up. The book will be out in a few weeks, but it’s 30% off if you preorder now!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next:
Day 14: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 12: If You’re Having a Hard Time

Sheila — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:46:25 +0000

We’re in the middle of 29 Days to Great Sex, and I’m in the middle of teaching at a FamilyLife marriage conference in Niagara Falls, Ontario, this weekend! So if I haven’t had time to respond to all the comments, that’s why.

My plan for this month was to lay out a strategy to help you get the most out of your marriage. Why settle for mediocre, when sex is a vital part of your relationship–one that God designed to bind you together, to give you great pleasure, and to add fun and sparks to your life? It’s all leading up to the launch of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

This week is going to be a good one coming up: we’re going to explore (if that’s the right word) how to make sex feel good. But my plans for today’s post have changed because of some of the emails I’ve been getting, along with some of the comments you’ve all been leaving.

Many of you have written to me privately to thank me for this series because sex has been such a difficult part of your marriage, and this has been a needed push in the right direction.

But others have written with basically no hope. How can anyone tell you sex can be good when it obviously is not? I recorded this video yesterday in our hotel room at the marriage conference just for you, to encourage you that things really can be different. Please listen to this:

I know many of you think that this is hopeless. But please, hear me out. Don’t you wish it were different? Don’t you wish that sex could be good? Do you really want to live your life with this distance between you and your husband? Your kids, and your husband, need you to try: to believe that it can get better. And one way you can do this is just to try these things that I’m suggesting with an open mind. Now, I’m not the answer to all your problems, and if you have a better way, that’s fine. But please, try something.

When you have children, you owe it to them to make sure that your marriage is rock solid, and that includes having a close, intimate relationship with your spouse. If sex is a huge roadblock, that’s okay. But please, imagine that it’s not. Believe that it doesn’t have to stay this way. Your main sex organ is your brain. What you think about sex will determine your arousal level, the pleasure you get from sex, and your attitude. So can you just try? Just take little baby steps?

And if you go back to the beginning, you’ll find that’s what I’m recommending: baby steps. Just little things, everyday. It is a good place to start. So please don’t give up. You were made for more than this. You were made to truly experience intimacy. You may not see how that can happen, but can you try?

Great Sex Challenge 12: Pray about your sex life, with your husband if you can. Pray that God will give you His mind about sex, and repair some of the lies, if you’ve believed any. If you don’t think you’ve believed lies, but you just hate sex, then pray about it anyway and ask God to show you how things can be better, and where you may be sabotaging yourself.

Please try. Thank you.

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next:
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body

Sheila — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:36:55 +0000

Have you been joining us for the 29 Days to Great Sex? We started by challenging us to think differently about sex–and see it as a very positive thing. For the last few days we’ve been looking at how to play, how to flirt, and how to get in the right mindset for sex.

But what do you do if you just don’t find your husband particularly attractive? Maybe he was when you married him, but the years have taken their toll. And it’s hard to look at him and say, “hubba hubba!”

I asked Kate Aldrich from One Flesh Marriage about how to keep a positive outlook on your husband’s body.

Here’s Kate:

I remember back in high school when my hubby and I were good friends . . . and I thought he was so handsome! I still remember the exact shirt he was wearing on our first date. We happen to still have it in our closet. Don’t worry, ladies, it is officially “retired” and we only keep for nostalgic purposes, although someday when our kids are older we may just have to get out those first date outfits for some laughs–if we can still fit into them! Remember those days, when a simple glance at your (now) husband would get your heart beating fast and, well, get your engine running?

Then you get married, the years go by and you find yourself glancing at your hubby and thinking, “It’s just not the same as it used to be”. To be honest, these differences become very apparent during sex. We are baring it all! In those times when we used to be so attracted by our amazing hubby’s body, sculpted like Michelangelo’s “David”, we now find ourselves distracted by how the sculpture has changed. The distraction leads us to wonder, “Am I still attracted to my hubby? I used to look at him and melt! I used to catch a glimpse of him and be so hot and on fire for him. Where did that go?”

Our guys age over time. They get comfy in this journey called marriage and they change. A little soft around the middle, less hair in some places, and more in others. Even if they stay as fit as when we first met, time has a way of changing them. Seeing these changes in your hubby is a normal part of marriage and life.

How we feel about the changes, though, greatly affects our marriage. Do we see them as the continued work of an amazing God crafting a masterpiece that is yet to be completed? Or do we see them as a masterpiece being altered?

Would I love for him to stay the same hunk I married many years ago? While part of me says yes, the other part of me (that wins out every time) says that he has matured and is so much more the man God wants him to be then he was back in the beginning. Although I see the changes in my hubby, I am with him every day and the changes are less drastic to me. They are gradual and stunningly handsome in my eyes. I have the honor of seeing him change and grow. I see how much he has grown in his faith, in his love of the Word, and in his desire to serve and care for me and our children. His physical features have changed, but so has the rest of him. The piece of art God is creating in him is truly amazing.

My reactions to him have changed over the years as well. It is not always a hot and instant passion, but more of a low eternal flame that is always burning and just needs a little encouragement to turn into the hot, intense heat of passion.

The other thing we need to remember is that we have changed over the years too! I am not the spring chicken I once was. My hubby and I have two biological children and one adopted. Our kids are so awesome and we love them to pieces, but carrying and delivering two of them has changed my body forever. I am a tad bit envious of the ladies who after giving birth look exactly the same as before the pregnancy. Well, ladies, that is not me by any means. One natural birth , one c-section, and all the stretch marks. Yet my hubby tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how he loves my body. He sees me as the beauty that I am today.

We wives can “look again for the first time” at our husbands. We can embrace who they are now and the sexy masterpiece they have become. Need a few ideas?

Spend some time re-exploring your hubby’s body.

Give him a long sensual massage, spending time getting to know each area of him. Not to see how it may have changed but to embrace, love and admire who he is. Observe and enjoy his body with your hands and other senses. I would suggest doing this often, so that the differences become blurry and eventually all you can see is the sexy man in front of you.

Share what you love about your hubby’s body

Our guys need to hear how sexy they are just as much as we want/need to hear how beautiful we are! What do you admire most about your hubby’s body? If you are still unsure, explore more! There are parts of my hubby I have always loved and I share that with him. There are parts I have come to enjoy greatly as a more mature wife. Tell your husband how much you appreciate these areas of his body or just show him. ?

Roll it all together

When we have times where marriage, sex and our hubby’s body just don’t seem the same as they used to be; remind yourself to think of ALL the ways you hubby has changed and matured. Touch him often, give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Being loved and embraced for who we are is such a vital part of a one flesh journey in marriage. Being loved even with our faults, to be totally known by our spouse-that is the kind of connection I believe God wants us to focus on.

As his wife, his body is yours. (1 Corinthians 7:4). His body is a precious gift to be given to you! If you find yourself contemplating the changes and your attraction to your hubby, pray that God will help you to re-discover your hubby’s body and cherish it even more then when you were first married. It is my hope that all of you will keep connecting or re-connect with your sexy husband who still fans that slow, eternal flame within you. Make a point to share how much you love your husband’s body today!

Thanks, Kate!

I love what she said about how it’s not just his body that changes; he changes, too. Let’s appreciate him for those changes! After all, sex is more than physical; it also unites us emotionally and spiritually, too. Let’s concentrate on that amazing connection, and maybe the fact that he’s gained some weight won’t matter so much.

But a few days ago a commenter did mention that sex was really a challenge because her husband was heavy, and she didn’t like feeling like she was suffocating. Very good point.

So if your husband is heavy, try being on top. That gives you more control, too, so you can line up the position better and hopefully find it more pleasurable (more on that later this month). That likely will be more comfortable.

Remember, too, that even in marriages where the husband keeps a rock solid body, that infatuation feeling does fade. We won’t always feel weak-kneed at our husbands. So what becomes attractive and sexy doesn’t need to be six pack abs; it could simply be that you know he loves you and protects you, and that he spends time figuring out how to make you feel good. A lover who is interested in making you feel pleasure is much better than one who may look awesome but who doesn’t learn how your body works.

So spend some time tracing his body, but encourage him to trace yours, too. Let him figure out how you work (and maybe you need to figure that out yourself). Because if he can learn to play you like a violin, then his extra weight won’t be such a big deal!

Great Sex Challenge 11: Share with your husband what you find sexy about him. Earlier this month you had to name five things you loved about your own body; now name 5 sexy things about your hubby. They don’t all need to be physical (I find my husband’s job kinda sexy, and I find his voice sexy), but come up with five things–and some should be physical! Share them your hubby, and then explore his body and make him believe it!

Reminder: If you’re enjoying this series, you’ll love The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, my book that will be released in just a few weeks! But it’s 30% off an Amazon if you buy it now!

And later this month I’ll be announcing a great contest where you could win a second–or even first–honeymoon! So hit the subscribe button to keep in touch with this blog and then you won’t miss your chance to win!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh

Yesterday (Day 10): How to Flirt with Your Husband

Next:
Day 12: If You’re Having a Hard Time with These Challenges

Don’t forget to hit the share buttons below! Thanks for telling your friends about our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Sheila — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 12:11:17 +0000

When we’re dating we flirt. We wink at him. We take his hand. We give him that “come hither” look. But when we’re married, too often we stop flirting. Why flirt when you’ve already got him? And if you flirt, you may give him the idea that you’re definitely going to deliver tonight. You wouldn’t want to promise anything like that.

But there’s a problem with that strategy. For women, our primary sex organs are our brains. For us to get in the mood, our brains have to be engaged. Take flirting out of the equation, and you take away one of your primary tools for boosting your libido!

We’re 1/3 of the way through our 29 Days to Great Sex, and yesterday we looked at how to prepare for sex throughout the day. We weren’t looking at anything particularly frisky; just things to make you feel more at ease, more confident, and less tired.

But today we’re going to turn it up a notch, and look at 16 ways to flirt with your husband! Just as playing with your husband helps you laugh together, flirting helps you to laugh–and binds you together because you share a relationship with your spouse that is totally unique. Here are some ideas to get the fun rolling:

1. Leave a love note on the mirror:

Using a dry erase marker (or even lipstick!), leave a love note on your honey’s bathroom mirror. To be even bolder, draw a picture of what you want to do later.

2. Kiss in the car at stoplights!

That never gets old. And don’t forget at least one 15 second kiss a day!

3. Have a secret code phrase

Want to tell him you think he’s hot? Try a secret code phrase, like “Are we due for an oil change?” No one else will know what you really mean but him, so you can say it in front of the kids, in front of your parents, in front of anybody!

4. Play the fortune cookie game

Whenever you get a fortune cookie, mentally add the words “in bed” to the end of it. You’ll giggle together at a Chinese restaurant as you pass them to your husband, but no one else will know why you’re laughing!

5. Grab some flesh

When he’s walking by, smack his butt!

6. Set up a cozy love nest for watching movies

Want to watch a flick tonight? Share pillows and a blanket and play footsie, says J, from Hot, Holy and Humorous. And one respondent on my survey for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex says that she and her husband have “topless movies” where they snuggle up under the blankets minus any tops. Tons of fun!

7. Ask your husband to choose your panties for the day

If he chooses them, he’ll be picturing you in nothing but them–all day, advises Paul Byerley, The Generous Husband.

8. Leave sticky notes in unexpected places

And try to always use the same color so he knows they’re from you! If you are near his place of work during the day, stick under his windshield whipper. Get the waitress to put on his plate when you are eating out. Get the kids in on it too! (from The Generous Husband).

9. Text, text, text your husband

Text him about anything–song lyrics, memories of fun times you’ve had, what you’re wearing, what you’re thinking about, says Gina Parris from Winning at Romance.

10. Stick Notes in his lunch

One fan on my Facebook Page shared this idea:

I also write stuff on his brown bag lunch. For a while, I thought it might embarrass him. But when I stopped, he pouted. They aren’t always “sexy”. Some are just sweet. But tomorrow’s lunch has written in red letters: For my Red Hot Lover! *grins*

11. Flirt in a crowd

Catch your husband’s eye in a crowded room and wink at him. Pass him a note that says you’re available and you think he’s cute, says Gina Parris.

12. Flash him–but not in public!

“Yes, this is ridiculously forward, but if you do it, while he’s watching TV,and then just walk away, at least you will have raised his blood pressure – and raised your own sexual energy for a greater chance of engaging in a little more fun,” says Gina.

One of my commenters on this site also recommended doing chores vigorously–and bralessly–so he can appreciate the bounce! When you mop the floor, wear a skirt but go commando and get down on all fours to see if he notices.

13. Stick a surprise somewhere interesting

Another Facebook Page reader emailed me this tidbit:

My husband recently got back from a long out of state trip. It was late when he got home but I was expecting him He quickly showered and came to our room in new underwear (that was a color! something I had been longing for in a long time). He said “I have something for you” I thought it was the underwear..and I commented on how nice they were between smooching. “No I have a gift for you in them.” I thought he was just being cheeky, of course he is a gift! So I reached on in and there was a jewlery box!!!! That was not what I expected! It was a sweet gift, and his creativity was so memorable! He has inspired my own games of hide and seek, may it be a note written with a wash off marker under my panty line or some little item in my bra…it is a fun way to play every now and then.

14. Go commando

Forget donning knickers under that dress or skirt for your date, then whisper to him in the restaurant what you’re doing tonight. (from J at Hot, Holy and Humorous).

15. Play “Strip” Anything

Turn any board game in your home into a sexy time by adding “strip” to the beginning: Strip Battleship (an item of clothing for each sunk ship), Strip Scrabble (for every word worth 20-30 points), Strip Monopoly (every time you pass go or an item of clothing to get out of jail), etc.

16. Play Footsie

When you’re at a restaurant with tablecloths, slip your shoe off and let your toes explore his legs. Get him all worked up while you carry on a normal conversation!

Flirting Rules of Engagement:

Now, a few ground rules. When you flirt, you’re telling your husband, “I’m interested. I find you attractive. I want you.” So if you do start adding flirting into your relationship, you’re going to have to make sure you add some sex in there, too, or else your guy is going to be getting very mixed messages (and he’ll be very frustrated).

But does flirting mean that you have to follow through each and every time? No, not necessarily. But allow me to let you in on a little insight. Men don’t just want sex because it physically feels good. They want to feel wanted. Flirting is one of those ways that they feel wanted. And if it’s followed up by regular and frequent sex–say a few times a week–most guys won’t mind if you don’t have sex one night, even if you did flirt. When men get regular and frequent sex, they become much more secure and confident in the fact that we love them.

One of the reasons that men often seem desperate for sex is because they’re desperate to know that they actually are desired. It’s not only the physical release they need; it’s that emotional and even spiritual validation that says, “I value and want you.” When they’re getting that from you regularly, then you have a lot more room to play, and kiss, and flirt, without necessarily having to make love right then and there. When you’re not making love with your husband frequently and regularly, though, he’ll be much less able to let these little things go.

So if you’re thinking to yourself, “every time I kiss my husband he wants it to go somewhere”, or “every time I flirt he wants something else”, that may be because your husband is insecure about whether you really want him, because sex is infrequent, or perhaps because you never initiate.

We’re going to talk more this month about how to get you more in the mood and how to make it more fun and less stressful for you so that you do desire sex more often. But for right now, here’s the message: flirting is a fun way to play with your husband, to boost your own libido, to get you thinking along those lines, and to make your husband feel wanted. And if it’s combined with regular sex, you’ll feel much more confident in your relationship if you throw in some of these fun ideas!

Here’s today’s challenge, then:

Great Sex Challenge 10: Sprinkle these ideas into your next few days, until they become natural. And think of some of your own! Throw yourself into them. Have fun with them. Get in a truly flirty frame of mind, and you may find that your own libido goes up because the fun quotient in your marriage goes up!

Don’t forget to keep coming back for more ideas, because we’re going to be transitioning soon into how to make sex feel good for you! And remember that The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, my upcoming book, is 30% off at Amazon until its release in early March, so get it now!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next:
Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body

Don’t forget to hit the share buttons below! Thanks for telling your friends about our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge!

And hit the “subscribe” button below (or on the sidebar) to make sure you don’t miss any of our Challenges!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 9: Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day

Sheila — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 12:19:15 +0000

Little kids are hanging off of you. Or maybe you’re running to the office where you have to deal with grumpy people. You’re in a rush. The phone is ringing off the hook. You’re just looking forward to the day ending when you can actually relax. Is it possible, with all of the chaos and responsibilities and kids and grumpy co-workers and rushing around that you can actually spend the day getting in the right mood to make love later?

Yes, it is, and were going to talk about how today, Day 9 of our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge! Let’s recap what we’ve done so far, because today we’re starting a new direction. We’ve talked about:

Getting a new perspective on sex and determining to see it as a positive thing
Trying to get a new perspective on our own bodies, and on our husband’s!
Adding more play, laughter and affection into our day

I hope you all had a great time yesterday going over 14 ways to play with your husband! All of those things will make intimacy more natural. Now we’ve got ourselves thinking in the right direction, and laughing together to smooth over issues and increase goodwill. But what about actually getting in a frisky frame of mind?

That’s what we’re going to look at over the next few days! Today, let’s just start with how we can make sex part of our whole lives, instead of just ignoring it except for a few minutes at night. Making love, after all, will always be more fun and meaningful if it’s not just an afterthought at the end of the day.

Now getting in the right frame of mind doesn’t mean that you have to be actively thinking about sex throughout the day. No one wants to be trying to get herself excited while she’s talking to her boss, or while she’s taking the toddlers out on a walk. That seems kind of, well, icky.

But there’s more to being a sexual woman than just actually thinking or fantasizing. There’s also feeling comfortable in your own skin, feeling comfortable with your husband, and getting rid of roadblocks to enjoying sex tonight. Here’s a game plan to help you use your day well:

1. Prepare Your Body

I live in the Great White North, where there are two seasons: winter and construction. And winter is substantially longer. And so many northern gals throw those razors away in the winter. What’s the point in shaving when no one can see your legs anyway?

No one, that is, except you and your husband. And let’s face it: how sexy are you going to feel with “man legs”? Honestly, it doesn’t take that long to shave (if you do shave; if you don’t, that really is okay). But if you’re someone who shaves in summer and feels good about it, and then you stop in the winter, how sexy do you think you’ll feel when you’re nude? There’s something about shaving that can make us feel pretty and prepared. So don’t let yourself get too hairy! (If you never do shave, then the hairiness probably won’t matter as much to you because you’re used to it. But if you start shaving and then stop, you’ll feel distinctly unattractive when you let yourself go).

So make your body itself feel great! Shave and use lots of lotion to keep your skin soft and smooth. When you feel better in your skin, you’ll enjoy feeling skin on skin far more.

2. Prepare Your Clothes

Kiss frump good-bye. I’ve written about this before, but modest does not mean frumpy. Wear clothes that make you feel attractive and that flatter your shape–whatever shape that is! If you think it’s impossible, go to YouTube and start watching episodes of What Not to Wear. They can dress any body shape and the women always end up looking incredible. If you just don’t have clothes that make you feel confident, then go buy some. It is better to have six outfits that make you feel amazing than it is to have 50 T-shirts and 7 pairs of mom jeans that make you feel dowdy.

If you spend your day looking and feeling attractive, it will boost your confidence level at night. And don’t forget our Day 3 Challenge from last week: concentrate on those 5 areas of your body that you’re proud of. Don’t think about the things you don’t like about your body; think about the things you do.

I personally think I have nice feet. Feet may not normally be the first thing people think of when they think “pretty”, but I like my feet. And so I’m going to make more of an effort to pamper my feet and put on some nice toenail polish, because it makes me feel prettier.

So dress your body attractively, and play up those features that you love!

3. Carve Out Some “Me” Time

One of the biggest impediments to female libido is exhaustion. When I took surveys of 2000 women for my Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (coming out in just a few weeks!), the number one thing that women reported that was wrecking their sex lives was simply being tired. When we women feel like everybody is hanging off of us and everything is on our plates, we’re going to absolutely crave time to ourselves. And when do we take that time? When the kids are in bed–right when we could be being romantic with your husband!

If you just need 45 minutes on your own everyday, find a way to build it into your routine. It honestly is okay to stick the kids in front of a video for 45 minutes so you can work on a scrapbook page if you have to. It is more important to have a great marriage than it is to spend every waking minute stimulating your children. If you work outside the home, don’t have lunch with co-workers if you can help it. If you need time just to read a novel, then read a novel.

Make a list of some things which would help to center you and make you feel sane–whether it’s doing a hobby for half an hour, or reading a book, or soaking in a bath, or going for a jog. And now figure out: how can I make this a reality? Because if you can take that time to yourself during the day, you really will be more rejuvenated at night.

If you just can’t see where that time is going to come from, then talk to your hubby and explain why you need it. Maybe he’ll volunteer to put the kids in bed just so that you can take a bubble bath!

4. Plan Regular Times to Imagine Sex

We women don’t tend to have biological cues that remind us about sex the way men do. Men are very visually oriented, and so even if they don’t mean to think about sex, when they see a pretty woman their minds often turn that way. And if they haven’t had sex in a while, their body actually feels it. Ours doesn’t in quite the same way.

So you need a reminder, or a trigger, to think sexy! What about choosing one common activity, or one trigger point, that makes you smile or think about the last great encounter you had? Say, every time you do the dishes, you think about your favourite sexual memory. Or perhaps every time you’re at a Stop sign, or every time you hear a siren. Then you can even text your husband and say, “Remember when….”

5. Sleep

This may not sound very exciting, but it is awfully important: get some shut eye! If exhaustion is a big culprit in killing our libidos, then we have to treat sleep seriously. Most women need at least 8 hours of sleep. If the kids wake you up at 6:30, then you need to be getting to sleep at 10:30. That’s getting to sleep–not crawling into bed and turning on the TV in your bedroom, or playing on Facebook, or even having sex. It means lights out. Which also means that you should be crawling into bed closer to 9:45 if you want to have some cuddle and talk and fun time with your husband.

Can you sleep well in your house? Is your bed comfortable? Have you trained the kids to sleep well (more on that later this month)? Have you removed distractions from your bedroom, like TVs and work and laundry that needs folding? Let your bedroom be an oasis and you’ll find that you sleep better and you’re more energized.

Great Sex Challenge 9: Put all that together, and what do you have? Spend your morning making sure you feel attractive. Find some me time throughout the day. Think about sex, even if it’s just fleeting–a few times regularly throughout the day. And then make sure you get some sleep at night, so that you don’t collapse when you are together. That’s a lot of things for one challenge, so what I’d suggest is that you pick one or two that you know would really help you, and decide to implement them tonight–or tomorrow. And husbands, if you’re reading this along with your wife, here’s your task: if she needs new clothes to make her feel pretty, make that a priority in your budget! Even just one or two outfits can make a huge difference. And if she needs time to herself, help her figure out a way to get it! Don’t watch TV in your bedroom too late and keep her awake. Work together at helping her get rid of some roadblocks for making love, and you’ll find you both feel more confident and feel more intimate!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Next:
Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt as a Couple

Don’t forget to hit the share buttons below! Thanks for telling your friends about our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge!

And hit the “subscribe” button below (or on the sidebar) to make sure you don’t miss any of our Challenges!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

Sheila — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:13:15 +0000

I was going to title this post “How to Play with Your Husband”, but I just thought of all the ways people could interpret that, and decided to change it. (And the “how to play with your husband”, with that meaning, is coming soon!). And it’s also Wifey Wednesday today, but I’m doing something a little different in February. But I’ll still put the Linky up below!

When my oldest daughter was 8, she asked what I wanted for Christmas. When I didn’t mention any toys, she felt so sorry for me. “Why don’t you like to play anymore, Mommy?”

That’s a good question. Why do we stop playing? Now maybe Polly Pockets and Barbies aren’t your cup of tea, but laughing and giggling and joking around should be–because it’s good for the marriage, and the soul!

We’re in the middle of our 29 Days to Great Sex, when I’m laying out a plan for you to get the most out of your marriage. Why settle for mediocre, when sex is a vital part of your relationship–one that God designed to bind you together, to give you great pleasure, and to add fun and sparks to your life. It’s all leading up to the launch of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

Up until now we’ve been looking at some of the roadblocks to enjoying a good sex life, and many of you have commented that some of the challenges have been difficult, because you have low self-esteem, or because your husband has a low sex drive, or because you’re haunted by things from your past.

I know it can be rough, but I encourage you to stick it out! So today, before we get to more “sexual” challenges, I want to address something at the root of many of our marriage problems: we stop having fun together. And when we stop having fun, marriage becomes so–well–serious.

It is ever so much easier to address problems in our marriages–whether they’re related to sex, or parenting, or finances, or time, or whatever, if we also find time to laugh together. A couple that is laughing together is also a couple who enjoys being together, and who will find navigating all the difficulties of marriage much easier.

So today I want to present you with a list of 14 ways to play together as a couple! These aren’t necessarily sexual–although you can certainly put a sexual spin on them if you want to. Later in the week we’ll look at how to flirt with your husband, but today I just want to focus on laughter–and laughter inspired by physical fun. Because when we have “physical” fun with our husbands, the more sexual fun often follows.

The idea was inspired by this picture I saw (I didn’t write the text, so forgive the spelling mistakes, but if you know where it originated from, I’d love to give credit where credit is due

That is a fun marriage!

Before you launch into these “play” ideas, though, set the mood. The woman in this picture left her husband a note so he knew what was coming. She didn’t just blast away. If you’re wanting to have fun with your hubby, make sure he’s in the right frame of mind, and that he knows there’s something playful coming. Don’t just spring something on him when he’s worried about work or preoccupied. Send him texts throughout the day, kiss him lots when he’s home, and laugh a lot beforehand. Then go for it, like this:

1. Have a waterfight.

When you do the dishes, flick some water on him, and see what happens!

2. Launch a water WAR

Want to turn it up a notch? Chip and Cherry from Married Spice advocate a water WAR. Give each other water guns, and go for it! (May work better when it’s not winter for those of us in the Great White North).

3. Snowball Fight

If snow is plentiful, text him and warn him to be on his guard when he gets home from work tonight. Then set up an ambush! And you can ask the kids to join in the fun, too! Physical play doesn’t have to exclude the kids, and having all of you laugh together while you end up breathless still is a great preview of what could happen later that night.

4. Wrestle

I often win wrestling matches, because we make a deal. I have to move my husband (if he’s standing) or push him off the bed (if he’s lying down). He’s not allowed to use anything to stop me except his body and perhaps two fingers. I can do anything I want. And even with those concessions, I still can’t move him! But he laughs so hard that he often loses.

Kate Aldrich from One Flesh Marriage loves wrestling with her husband Brad, too–but she’s nicer than me. She usually ends up letting her hubby win. She says, “I just stop trying-because it gets tiring and he was gonna win anyway! Besides, what hubby doesn’t like to get his wife pinned down! We always have fun with it and it almost always leads to “other” things!

5. Pillow fight!

Ambush him on his way out of the bathroom and hit him with a pillow. Then run while he goes to get one to hit you back!

6. “Pie in the Face”

Eating chocolate cake tonight? Or making chocolate cake? Smear it on him–and be prepared for it to be returned–just like in this Family Man scene:

7. Act out a scene from a movie

Speaking of movies, J from Hot, Holy and Humorous recommends acting out dancing scenes or romantic scenes from movies. She says, “turn off the sound, and have the two of you provide the audio. See what fun or sexy lines you can come up with!

8. Dance!
J also loves dancing! “Turn your kitchen into a dance floor. Hum a tune, grab your partner, twist and turn, and even throw in a dip or two! If you own a gaming system, play Dance Dance Revolution or Just Dance and challenge each other to a dance contest.”

Gina Parris from Winning at Romance agrees. “Have you SEEN Dancing with the Stars? Whew. We’d hate to have all that erotic energy wasted on some silly competition. Get in the game!” So watch some clips and try to copy them. You’ll either roll around on the floor from laughter or from something else!

7. Box

If you own a Wii system, try the boxing game! You’ll raise your heart rate, and you may just be able to knock him out! Then try to wrestle in real life and see who really is stronger.

8. Hit the courts

Play squash, badminton, tennis, or another racquet sport. Make him play with his left hand (or right hand if he’s left-handed) to give you an advantage.

9. Play Solitaire to the death.

You’ll be slapping down those cards so hard you’ll work up a sweat! Winner gets something of their choice–could be something sexual, or something like getting out of doing the dishes, or getting to take a bath while the other puts the kids in bed.

10. Indoor Volleyball–in the Buff!

Gina Parris suggests getting some balloons and playing volleyball over the bed–while you’re nude!

12. Tickling Contest

Who will cry uncle first?

13. Turn Chores into a Game

One of my followers on my Facebook page gave me this idea:

When we change the sheets on the bed, we have a race to see who can finish putting the pillowcase on the pillow and get the pillow on the bed in its place first. We do things like hide the opponent’s pillowcase, throw pillows downstairs, grab opponent’s pillow, yank the pillowcase off and toss it in the hall, lock each in the bathroom, and wrestle each other for our own pillowcase that the other is hoarding, hiding or trying to throw out the window. Much laughter, much tickling, much running through the house and acting like children. It’s fun!

14. Food Fight

Finally, there’s the staple from the high school cafeteria: food fight. If you’re cooking with your hubby, and you “accidentally” get flour on his nose, what will he do back?

There’s something about play fighting that often ends in an embrace, and isn’t that most of the fun? So today’s challenge is really simple:

Great Sex Challenge 8: Play! Pick an item–and do it!

If it’s been a while since you’ve laughed together, this one may be tricky. But start with some wrestling, or trying to shove him off the bed, and just see what happens.

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction

Next:
Day 9: Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day
Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt as a Couple

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 7: Move in the Right Direction

Sheila — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:19:35 +0000

We’re seven days into our 29 Day to Great Sex challenge! (If you’re new here, and you’re late to the party, don’t worry at all. You can jump in anytime.) It’s been so much fun for me to think about challenges (and do them along with you), but one of the best parts has been the emails and Facebook messages I’ve been receiving, along with the comments here on this blog, from couples who are working through this together.

The last two days have been BIG challenges (don’t worry; the next few days aren’t quite as intense). And I know some of you have problems with them. Yesterday our challenge was to spend 15 minutes just exploring and touching our husband’s body–while he lay there and let you. One woman left this comment:

This one seems impossible for me. I have a history of abuse – guys forcing me to touch them – and so I have this aversion to touching my husband sexually. I enjoy sex, but I don’t do much touching during it. Will I ever get through this?

Other women emailed me saying that they found it really scary to ask their husbands to touch them for 15 minutes. It meant being so vulnerable.

But then there were others who have already experienced breakthroughs, like this woman:

The kissing thing has been a big issue in our lives because my hubby had a lot of problems with his teeth so we just did not do it. So when he got his teeth worked on we just were not doing it anymore. I always missed it but any time I brought it up we ended up fighting. So I was a little nervous when the blog about kissing came up. But we did it and last night we kissed like we haven’t kissed in years. I am about to start crying while I type this. It was so wonderful and I feel closer to my husband today than I have in forever. It just opened something up in me. And as a side note, it did lead to the first big O I have had in about 6 months.
Thank you and can’t wait to see what is in store for the rest of the month.

What does this all add up to? Some of you working through these 29 Days are just looking for a tune up, or a way to turn the knob up from 9 to a 10. That’s wonderful! But a lot of you have some major issues when it comes to sex, either because you’ve brought baggage into your marriage, or because marriage has given you baggage. It’s the one area you fight about a lot, and it’s just never clicked. And you find yourself really worried about whether you can get better.

That’s why today’s challenge is to get some perspective and to relax, because I thought it was time to take stock before we move on to things bigger and better.

I firmly believe that with most things in life what matters is not so much where we are but the direction that we are going. If you have enjoyed a great sex life in the past, but right now you barely talk to your husband and you’re super busy, you’re actually probably in worse shape than a woman who has never experienced an orgasm but who is enthusiastic about trying to work through any issues that are there and trying to connect with her husband. In the long run, the person with the right attitude and goals will come out better than the person who started in a better place but isn’t putting in the effort to maintain anything.

So the purpose during these 29 days is not to compare yourself to anyone else, and it’s not to force yourself to achieve something. It’s instead simply to start moving in the right direction. It’s like this is the fork in the road, and you’ve decided to walk along the road that will bring you closer to real intimacy you can enjoy on all levels with your husband. That doesn’t mean you’re going to arrive–nor do you have to! But you’re going in that direction.

Here, then, are some things to remember to make this 29 Day Challenge really work for you:

1. Don’t Be Goal Oriented. Be Direction Oriented.

You want to feel more relaxed, more confident, and more positive about sex. Not COMPLETELY relaxed, COMPLETELY confident, or COMPLETELY positive about sex. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just commit to keeping an open mind, a positive attitude, and an “I’ll try anything once” spirit!

2. Adapt to Fit Your Circumstances

Yesterday I told the woman who had been abused in the past to change the challenge so that instead of sexually stimulating her husband, she just got used to enjoying feeling him naked–even if all she was doing was giving him a massage. You know yourself best; if you have to adapt, adapt.

But do TRY to do the challenges, because what you’ll find is that the way I’ve set them up, they’re not as intimidating. I’m not trying to get you to do a particular thing; I’m more trying to urge you to explore. With the challenge yesterday, for instance, you’re the one in control, which is much less scary for many women with baggage. If you can be in control, and you set the parameters, it’s sometimes easier to understand how something can be enjoyable!

One more thing: if your period happens to start this month (and chances are it will), then do what you can of the challenges, talk to your husband about them, and just file them away to do later (if they’re the type of challenge you can’t do during that time of the month). Don’t fret about it. You haven’t fallen behind or anything. It’s just life!

3. Involve Your Husband

My favourite emails lately have been those from women saying, “my husband and I are reading these together at night”. That’s awesome! If you haven’t let your husband in on this secret yet; if you’ve been reading, but not doing; can I ask you to step out on a limb and show him the computer? Many women may be scared of his reaction. Is he going to expect sex all the time now? Is he going to want me to do something in particular? Is he going to think I’m being silly?

I can almost guarantee you that the vast majority of men will be thrilled that their wives want to step things up in this area of the marriage. So tell your husband why you’re doing this, and show him the challenges, and ask if he wants to go through it with you, rather than you just reading these yourself. If you really want to make change in this area of your life, remember, you really can’t do it alone. So until you tell him, it’s unlikely these challenges will be too successful. So take a deep breath, jump in, and spill the beans if you haven’t already!

Here’s your challenge:

Great Sex Challenge 7: Talk to your husband openly about why you want to do this month of challenges, and if you haven’t already, ask him to join you! Then, with you both relaxed, talk about your dreams for your sex life. You wrote some of these out on Day One, but let’s make them more specific. Share them with your husband. Do you long to be able to touch him without freezing? To be naked in front of him without blushing? To orgasm? To figure out how to really make him feel great? Or to be able to feel, while you make love, how much he really loves you? And then ask him: what does he want from your sex life? What direction does he want you to go? Now commit to each other that you will MOVE in that direction–not arrive right away, but move. If you’re comfortable, even pray about it! And remember: marriage is a lifetime commitment! You have time to get this right.

Here’s what’s coming later this week: how to flirt with your husband, play with your husband, and get in a more frisky frame of mind! And later this month I’ll be announcing how to enter a HUGE contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon! And don’t forget that you only have a short time left to order The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex at 30% off. Once it’s officially released at the end of the month, the price goes up.

29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!

Next:
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!