It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage post in the linky at the bottom.

Before we start today, I just want to give a shout-out to my readers in Oklahoma. My heart just breaks for what has happened to your state, and for the horrible grief that so many families are experiencing. I toured a tornado-impacted town, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, just two years ago right after a twister went through. It was unbelievable. I don’t know how anyone survived (and, of course, all too many didn’t).

And yet, in the middle of it, there was hope, too. I pray that you will all experience hope, and that the power and comfort of God will be real in your lives. And our prayers go out to you.

Today’s guest post is from Julie Sibert, a good friend who blogs at Intimacy in Marriage. I asked her to address a topic I felt I couldn’t speak on, since I’m not in that situation: how to get rid of baggage from a previous marriage when it comes to the bedroom.

I didn’t ask her to talk about this because I don’t take divorce seriously; I do, and I do not condone divorce at all, though I do believe that in some marriages you have no choice.

However, many of my readers are in second marriages. I see it in the comments and the emails that I receive, and many of them are struggling. I do believe that God gives grace to those who have chosen to now live for Him, even if they did not before. And He also gives grace to those who have remarried after heart breaking divorces that they did not want. So please, don’t turn the comments into “you shouldn’t publish this because you’re permitting divorce”, because I’m not. Read here and here to see that. But marriages are in turmoil, and I want to offer all the practical help I can where people ARE AT NOW.

I remember it all clearly.

The struggle I had with sex in my previous marriage. It’s not that it was my struggle alone. It was our struggle. But we never really handled it that way. In fact, we never really handled it at all.

While sexual struggle wasn’t our only issue, I have no lingering doubt about the role it played in landing us in divorce court.

The hollow words that our relationship was “irretrievably broken” still echoed off the courtroom walls as the judge severed our marital bond. Doing so seemed as routine to him as drinking a cup of coffee. (Probably was, considering about half of all marriages don’t last).

Flash forward a few years and I found myself in love again…about to become a wife. Again.

So what about sex this time around? Would the struggles that plagued my first marriage find footing in my second marriage?

Not if I had anything to say about it (which of course I did). So do you, if you are remarried. If you are wondering if sexual intimacy can indeed look different – better – than it did in your previous marriage, I promise you it can.

Here are three steps to amazing sexual intimacy second time around:

1. Believe you are capable of change.

I know, it sounds like I’m about to ooze sappy “self-help” slogans all over you, doesn’t it? Not so much. I’m just going to speak simple God-ordained truth instead.

The Lord is all about making things new. Try as we may to edge Him out of this area of sex, He’s actually quite interested. He’s just generous that way.

In my first marriage, I was a big part of the problem sexually. Unavailable. Uninterested. Unwilling to understand my own body and my own pleasure. Resistant to even bring the matter up for discussion.

You get the picture. From day one of my first marriage until the day he walked out the door, sex was a painful bewildering journey for us.

Honestly, it would have been easy to slide into that path in my second marriage, because let’s face it – sexual mediocrity was all I knew. But I intentionally decided I wanted and deserved something healthier.

I was capable of change. You are too.

If you glance back on your previous marriage and see any sexual struggles that you created, contributed to or suffered from, decide right now to do the hard work to heal those areas of pain.

Face your own tangled mess. And stop letting it wreak havoc in your heart, head and bed.

2. Embrace that your current spouse is not your previous spouse.

I don’t know your story, but I’m going to err on the side of two optimistic assumptions: You and your spouse love each other, and you want this marriage to be stronger and happier than your last marriage.

When I remarried 10 years ago, I knew what would be crucial for our wellbeing is that I not let my view of my current husband be tarnished by the pain from my last one. They are two different guys.

If you find that the sexual difficulties that tripped you up last time are trying to set up camp this time, get brave. Call those things out and say to your husband, “Sex was a big struggle in my first marriage. I want things to look different for us. I love you. I need our sexual intimacy to be a priority for us.”

My educated guess is that your spouse wants that too. No matter where you are in your re-marriage, you and your husband have the opportunity to create something amazing sexually. Embrace the privilege to learn this man’s body. And allow him the privilege to learn yours.

3. Count the costs. Count the gains.

Want to have fabulous soul-drenching sexual intimacy this time around? Sit down with pen and paper and list all the benefits that would come from that.

Put it down on paper.

Get specific on what nurtured sexual intimacy would do for your marriage, your physical and emotional wellbeing, the stability of your home and family life, and your outlook on life.

I’d bet my last dollar that if you saw it all there on paper, you’d fight harder for it. You’d better appreciate what is at stake. Count the costs and count the gains. You’ll see what you and your husband can create together.

As for me, sex this time around has been better than I even imagined. (And I have a pretty vivid imagination, so that’s saying a lot.)

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of a marriage post to the linky below! And be sure to link back here, too, so that other people can read great marriage advice.

But what happens if you just can’t sleep that way?

Remember the fairy tale of the Princess and the Pea? She can’t sleep if there’s the slightest little aggravation–even a pea under several level of mattresses.

I think that fairytale was based on me.

I’ve never been able to sleep with noise. That’s one of the reasons I found missions trips difficult as a teen. When I was in a dormitory, with twenty people sleeping in the same room, I literally couldn’t sleep. For weeks. If someone was snoring, I’d just be up all night. People say, “eventually you’ll get used to it and you’ll fall asleep”, but that’s not the case. Researchers have found that the way that we learn to sleep as kids is the way that we sleep as adults. And I learned to sleep in quiet.

So when my husband started snoring, we were in trouble.

I would roll him over, and that might work for a few minutes. I’d kick him, and he’d stop momentarily. But throughout our marriage, there have been occasions where I’ve had to bail, and go to sleep in a different room. About ten years ago his snoring was much worse than it is now, and I found that we couldn’t go to hotels, because I’d have nowhere else to go. I remember sleeping in the bathtub a few times, with all of the winter coats under me as cushioning. It was bad, and I was so, so mad at myself for not being able to sleep with snoring.

Thankfully that period in our marriage didn’t last long, because my husband is a great guy and realizes how difficult his snoring is on me. And he took steps to reduce the snoring. Here are just a few things that can help:

1. Lose Weight

My husband seems to have a specific weight where over that he snores constantly, and under it it’s really only occasionally. He has worked so hard to keep under that weight for over a decade a now, and I so appreciate it!

If snoring is a chronic problem in your marriage, often losing weight will help it (though even thin people can snore!).

2. Don’t drink alcohol too close to going to bed

If you or your husband do drink, try to stay away from the beer within two hours of going to sleep. Alcohol makes you snore more!

3. Get enough sleep

People snore more when they are simply exhausted. Today, the only time Keith’s snoring is really bad tends to be on nights after he has been on call. When he doesn’t sleep well the snoring is worse.

If you and your husband can practice going to bed at a decent time and getting at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep, you may find that snoring becomes less of an issue.

4. Lift the head of the bed a bit

Elevate the head of the bed, and some people have found that makes the problem less severe. Just stick something hard, like wooden blocks, under the legs at the head of the bed, so that your head is a few inches higher than your feet. See if that helps!

5. Get a mouth guard

Many couples have had tremendous success with a simple mouth piece. It takes a night or two to get used to wearing it, but it helps keep the air passages open so they don’t vibrate against each other–and hence cause the snoring. And they’ve been approved by the FDA and by Health Canada.

Basically it holds your tongue in place and forces you to breathe through your nose–so you can’t use it if you have a cold. But couples have found that it works wonders!

Honestly, if this has been a real problem in your household, I’d really recommend giving it a try. They don’t work for everyone, but if you can find something that can help you, imagine how much of a relief that would be!

6. See a physician

Snoring isn’t just a problem because it keeps your spouse up–and spouses of snorers have sleep disorders themselves from sleeping so poorly. It can also be a sign of health problems in the snorer. People who chronically snore are far more likely to have high blood pressure. And it could be a sign of sleep apnea. So do get it looked at, especially if it’s chronic.

7. Set up the second room

Finally, sometimes you just have to admit defeat. If you’ve tried everything, and it doesn’t work, or if your spouse uses a CPAP machine and you can’t sleep with the noise (I know I couldn’t), then you may just have to sleep elsewhere. I know we don’t want to do it, but good quality sleep is so important. When we sleep poorly, it affects our whole lives, and our health.

You can keep your bedroom as your main room, with all of your clothes, and personal items, and then just set up the den with a pull out couch, or a guest room with a single bed, where you can regularly retreat. You can even turn in together and pray together, snuggle, make love, talk, read the Bible, or whatever, but then, after you kiss good night, get up and go to the other room.

No, it isn’t as romantic. But sometimes we just can’t sleep in the same bed. If the second bed is easy to get to, and it’s always made up so that you don’t have to be hunting for sheets at 1 in the morning because he was snoring again, you’re less likely to feel resentful.

And you can take turns regarding who sleeps in the other room, too, so that it’s not as if one of you is being kicked out of your bedroom.

That ideal of two people sleeping in the same bed is beautiful. But sometimes it just doesn’t work. Before you give up, try everything you can. See a doctor. Get a mouth guard. Enforce more regular sleeping and eating habits. Once you’ve tried that, though, remember that yours is not a lesser marriage if you can’t sleep in the same bed. Split up to sleep, and you’ll likely find that you feel far more positive towards him during the day!

 What about you? Have you and your husband had to sleep in different rooms? How is that working for you?

Today and tomorrow we’re going to talk about second marriages, because I know so many of you are in this situation. And recently a reader sent me a question about how to handle adult step-children who are difficult. I didn’t feel qualified to answer, since I am not remarried, but I do know a biblical counselor who is going through this. For obvious reasons she would like to remain anonymous, but she sent an answer below.

Her first marriage ended in divorce because of infidelity on her husband’s part; her current husband was a widower. They are trying to blend their families, and are facing resistance from his adult children. She writes:

I recently attended a biblical counselling conference where one of the sessions was directed toward teaching step-parents how to honour the Lord in their parenting. The speaker noted from a recent study the most cited reason for the break up of 50% of second marriages was problems with the husband’s children.

That stat really spoke to me personally. I was a divorced woman walking with my daughter through my ex-husband’s remarriage; I am a certified counsellor; and, after 12 years of singleness, I recently married a wonderful Christian man with 2 adult children who, through their response and reaction to their father’s remarriage, have caused me much pain, grief, and sorrow. Yes, this stat perked my ears up.

I was caught off-guard by my husband’s children’s animosity toward me and our marriage.

I had been single for many years and had been very faithful to following and serving the Lord. Everyone was ecstatic over my new marriage, and thrilled for us. Everyone, that is, except his children, who hacked his e-mail and Facebook to spy on our communications, went off on angry tangents with their father, threatened “her or me”, made wild accusations against my character, and were just all around miserable. Their mother had passed away some months prior and they felt it was too soon for their father to be thinking about another woman. But, the reality was it was much more about it being too soon for them.

In my wildest dreams I never imagined it would be this hard. I am a trained counsellor and have learned valuable lessons as I watched my daughter navigating the waters of her father’s remarriage. I thought I was prepared and had realistic expectations (I am their father’s wife, not their step-mother nor “grandma” to the grandchildren, unless any of them chose to refer to me in these terms), I thought I would be welcomed as they continued to work through their grief. The rejection, harsh statements surrounding my motives, and ongoing resistance to my presence in their father’s life pricked my heart in ways that caused me intense pain, but also intense anger and feelings of bitterness. This has caused me to realize that I too am on a parallel journey.

I was not expecting this pain

As intensely painful and sometimes lonely this journey is, what I am blessed to be reminded of is how wonderful and persistent the love of Christ is for me. At no time will He abandon me because I simply cannot come with a clean heart or clean hands when I am feeling wounded, weary, bitter, or hopeless. When I am tempted to act out of my hurt, or when I do indeed act out, Christ’s love tenderly reminds me of His commitment to love me, no matter how prickly I am behaving. Christ’s love reminds me that before my relationship with Him, I was God’s enemy in my mind, and yet because of God’s love for me, I was pursued and eventually won over (Romans 5:6-11). This all not as a result of me desiring a relationship with Christ, but rather out of God’s love and desire for a relationship with me. How then can I avoid a continual resetting of my heart toward the pursuit of a loving relationship with my husband’s children? Yes, a loving relationship.

There will be a cost to you in pursuing a relationship with your spouse’s children

It cost Christ His life to secure my relationship with God and there will be a cost to you in pursuing a relationship with your spouse’s children. There will be suffering and rejection but, we are reminded of the suffering and rejection endured for us on the cross, and are encouraged not to be surprised by it but rather to expect it and learn to lean on Jesus and live like Him as a result of it. It will be your relationship with Jesus and through His strength that you will overcome and be victorious as you are thrown into the deep end of the pool of adjusting to married life and resistant, hurtful, hurting children. It will always require me bringing everything back to looking at my hurts through the lens of what God did for me through Christ when I was His enemy, and what I continue to do from sinful flesh, and yet, met with grace every time.

All this being said, don’t hear what I’m not saying.

I’m not saying God called you to be a doormat to your spouse’s children.

Sinful behaviour from your spouse’s children needs to be confronted by your spouse. I have had the blessing of a couple one-on-one “air clearing” sessions with one of my husband’s children, but for the most part if there were situations and behaviours that needed to be addressed my husband is the one to address them. If your spouse cannot stand up to their children then perhaps you have a marriage problem. In spite of the difficulties that have transpired, and continue, my husband has plainly communicated that I am his wife, I take priority in his life, and his first allegiance is to me. This is a difficult stance for many parents in homes that aren’t fractured by death or divorce so spilling it over into a remarriage may seem an insurmountable challenge. But, if it’s one you are not working on, you may very well find yourself another casualty of the stat mentioned at the beginning of this article.

Let me encourage you to not give up on this journey. Let me encourage you to guard your heart and mouth as you are tempted to lash out with words about your spouse’s children that will cut his heart as he too struggles with being caught in the middle of a civil war involving those he loves most. Let me encourage you to pray with your spouse to resolve these issues (we are seeing fruit from many prayers!!).

Let me leave you with two scripture passages that cause me to draw my focus back to Jesus, realize problems within my own heart, and that my circumstances are not beyond the righteous right hand of a loving, involved God (Isaiah 41:10).

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

The writer is a certified counsellor in full-time ministry, newly married, mother to one daughter and son-in-law, and grandmother to two babies.

Have you had experience in step-parenting? Or do you have a step-parent yourself? How do you navigate the difficulties?