Today Funny Jokes, Videos and Stories

Please Answer Below Question

2012-01-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

Ok Guys Answers The Question:

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

Message : Are you got all 6 wrong answers.

Glad to see your dirty mind! =)

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? See Difference Answer !

2012-01-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

Source : ToonPool

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's former ambassador)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one? Source : kt70

The World

2011-12-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

Funny Picture : Very Close Friends

2011-12-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

Funny - Angry Bird

2011-11-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

Maybe Bra For Kid ??

Present for Girlfriend

2011-11-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again. "

Three doors

2011-10-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Condom Motto

2011-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

So my girlfriend said "Take off my shirt"

2011-09-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Boy & Girls Naked in Bath Tab

2011-08-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."

So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."

The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. don't let any boy park his car in it."

The next day they are again in the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said.

5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, a boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires."

Cheating Wife

2011-07-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

Classmates ?

2011-07-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Label Instructions On Consumer Goods

2011-06-12T02:12:00.000-07:00

 1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos: 
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. 
Details inside. 
(the shoplifter special?)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)

UFO Jokes

2011-05-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'" 101funjokes

50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less)

2011-05-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

1. I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it.
Either it’s somewhere fun, in which case we’ll find it in about 2 seconds, or else we don’t care, either way, your game sucks.

2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping, and flushed.
By the time he gets the towel, you’re going to be cold and pissed off. Not the way we like to see you. Nice nips though.

3. “You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.”
And now I have to throw out that entire box of Peanut Butter Pows. Thanks.

4. “My fiancé and I always run together, and one time on a quiet path, I told him to stop so I could tie my shoe. But when I kneeled down, I started giving him oral instead.”
And at what point did you realize how much of a sweat he had worked up from running?

5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: “Tonight, I promise to _____ your ______ as soon as you walk in the door. Then I’ll give you a ______ for ______ minutes…” You see where we’re going with this, right?
Cook … dinner. Bit of peace and quiet … 150.

6. “Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy.”
Hold on. …Fill-in-the-blank?
That’s what she said.

7. Wake him up in the morning by sucking on his fingers as if it’s his penis.
What a wonderful way to get fish-hooked as your man is startled awake.

8. When he’s on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and “accidentally” dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and ahhhs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.
Just what we need more of, distracted guys on their cell phones speeding through traffic.

9. “I live on the fifth floor of a building, and one night, I wore a short skirt and lacy underwear, and then I walked up the stairs ahead of my guy. He practically tackled me by the time we got to my apartment.”
Fifth floor walkup? Sounds like you live in New York City, which means you were probably on the subway earlier. Those have a lot of stairs, right? …Slut.

10. Make your evening snack a Popsicle, and tease and lick it right in front of him.
You’re going to tease the Popsicle? …I don’t think that’s how it works.

11. Steal his phone, and quickly snap a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh. When you see his jaw drop, you’ll know he’s stumbled upon it.
Go ahead and forward it to all of his friends to save him the trouble.

12. Reach under the table at dinner and lightly outline the shape of his package, looking him dead in the eye the whole time.
If you don’t feel an erection, it’s because you’re staring him dead in the eye while sitting close enough to grab his crotch. That’s just creepy.

13. “I asked a guy to unzip me out of this little black dress. When he did, I let it drop to the ground to reveal I was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.”
Ohhh. Get naked. …Clever girl.

14. Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Motion for him to come close so you can tell him something. Instead, send chills down his spine by licking his ear and blowing warm breath on the same spot.
Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Accept that you don’t always have to be the center of attention and let him have some fun with his friends for once.

15. “Before the guy I was hooking up with came over, I stripped the duvet and fluffy pillows off my bed and put together a makeshift bed on the floor of my den. When he arrived, I was lying in it, totally naked.”
Sex on the floor, it’s like sex in bed, but your back hurts the next day.

16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your clothes before sliding back into bed. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up to him pawing at you.
Make sure you wipe really, really good.

17. “I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me.”
Bullshit. If you got “caught” in a rainstorm, it was probably summer, since that’s when most pop-up rainstorms happen. But, in the summer you wouldn’t be going around with a coat in the first place, unless you were prepared for rain, in which case you wouldn’t have been “caught” in it.

18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat.
That’s not a whole new level. That’s the original level. What did you think the sexy-girl-next door fantasy was?

19. Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it “What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”
Hold on …Take the sexy-girl-next-door?
That’s what she said.

20. My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I’ll wear low riding pants and let it peek out.
Fail whale. Not sexy.

21. “One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but told him he would only eat it off my body.”
I really hope you’re French. And not Irish.

22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, “The whole time I was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on you.”
What you just told your guy is that if he can convince you that you need to lose weight, he’ll get more blowjobs. “Yes, those pants do make your ass look fat, honey. Maybe spend more time on the treadmill?”

23. “I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in.”
He walked in to find you grinning at him? How exactly does that work? Do you just stare at the door smiling, soaping up your boobs, hoping he’ll walk in? That’s really weird.
[In short sidebar, Cosmo provides some tips for guys, including: “If the bathroom door is closed, it’s for a reason. Even if the water is running, puh-lease do not surprise us in the shower.”]

24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse… then lean back and tell him to find it.
Get your dirty, don’t-know-where-they’ve-been fingers out of our drinks.

25. “My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was “I’m horny.” When he finally figured it out, we got the hell out of there.”
Which one of you made the other suffer through waiting in line at the DMV? Either way, that relationship needs to end.

26. Strip off your work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc.
Right, the take off your clothes thing again. Glad it’s in here twice, wouldn’t want to forget.

27. “On our way home from visiting his parents, I told my boyfriend to plug an address into the GPS. He kept asking me where we were going, so finally I told him it was the location of a sex-toy store. Knowing that I had planned this in advance – and had been sitting at his parents’ place thinking about it for hours – totally turned him on.”
“You know what I was thinking about the whole time I was talking to your dad? Doing it.”

28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hang it up around your house to dry… and drive him wild with lust.
Unless your guy is still in middle school, laundry is just laundry. It’s what’s inside that turns us on. So please, just clean up your damn mess.

29. Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.
Um… what? …No. We’ll pass, thanks. Really. Just …don’t.

30. “I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book – and especially hot scene that I’d dog-eared – stashed in there.”
Ever notice that men buy a ton of porn, but never dirty books? Yeah, he didn’t read that scene you marked. Imagine you found a pack of Topps baseball cards in his sock drawer. How turned on are you now? Same thing.
31. “Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately.”
So… now he has to go out shopping with you again?

32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs – and nothing else – before snuggling on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything.
Button-down actually refers to the type of collar, one with buttons, as opposed to a point collar. What you mean is a button-up shirt.

33. “My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had really been and showed him the sexy routine they’d taught us.”
So, when you signed up for the class, you already had the pole installed at home to demonstrate the routine on?

34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him.
See, #13 and #26 had given me the impression that you can only strip off little black dresses or work clothes. Thanks for clarifying, but perhaps the May issue could include a comprehensive list of clothes that are capable of being removed.

35. “The guy I was dating was writing a midterm paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let’s bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.
Two words: Track changes.

36. While you’re out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his package discreetly but very purposefully.
Then laugh at him as he pops a woody in public and tries to hide it.

37. “I’m really forward when I’m in the mood, and I’m known to just grab my guy’s hand, place it between my legs, and give him a look. He loves how bold I am.”
How exactly do you become “known” for that?

38. “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.
And since it’s a crowded store, you know, as you get up… make sure he hasn’t moved and it’s not someone else standing there now.

39. “I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked, so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions.”
Seriously? Have you not noticed how flattering yoga pants are? And without the creepy naked exercise factor.

40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his package until he’s good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you.
…And everybody else.

41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.
The Gay-For-Pay Garage, The Blumpkin Bathroom, The Finish First And Fall Asleep Before You’re Done Bedroom.

42. “I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head.”
They make wooden spatulas? What for?
I mean, other than this, what do you need a wooden one for instead of rubber?

43. “My fiancé and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting.”
But if we call it a slutty maid costume, ohhh, now we’re being sexist. That is such an unfair double standard.

44. Send him a naughty sex when you’re sitting right next to each other in a movie theater or when you’re out to dinner with friends.
Because nothing is sexier than being rude to the people around you. The people behind you in the theater can see the light from your cell phone, and it’s very distracting.

45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds.
It might just have one eye, but this is a staring contest you cannot win.

46. “I always tell my boyfriend that if I had a stripper song, it would be ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ Every now and then, I’ll make sure it’s playing when he comes home. It’s like our personal sex signal, and he knows he’s in for a good night whenever that happens.”
You “always” tell him that? How many times has this come up?

47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he’s your sex slave for the night.
Just for the night? That’s more like sex indentured servitude.

48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday.
What you want him to hear is that you really want him inside you right this moment. What he’s going to hear is that you want him inside you like he was inside you yesterday.
If you didn’t have sex with him yesterday, start looking for a new boyfriend.

49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for the evening.
What would be even sexier is a basic understanding of spatial relations and geometry.

50. “On my husband’s birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote ‘Happy Birthday! Do anything you want to me tonight’ in bright pink frosting.”
We kinda already take birthday sex as a given, so you know that doesn’t count as your gift, right?

What You Should Do In Mall

2011-04-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.

Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...

...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".

Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.

Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

Test mattresses in your pajamas.

Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

Sprint up the down escalator.

Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Play the tuba for change.

Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".

Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".

"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"

Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".

"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet. http://www.joke-archives.com/

Husbands for Sale

2011-03-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
dead gorgeo us, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you
exit the building, and have a nice day!

Sexy Leg ?

2011-02-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

The Most Wired Briefcase And Purse In The World

2011-01-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

Meat Purse

Cheese Purse

Real Meat Briefcase

Bacon Briefcase

Snake Skin Purse

Drunken Pumpkin

2010-12-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

** Why Pumpkins are better than Men:

1) Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2) No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3) One usually makes a better pie.

4) They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5) If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6) If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7) From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8) A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

Business Jokes : I'm in a meeting!"

2010-12-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

A business woman named Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles. While in the VIP lounge, she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa enjoying a brandy.

As luck would have it, Cindy was meeting with a very important client who was running somewhat late.

Being a bold business woman, Cindy decided to go ahead and approach Mr. Trump, and introduced herself. Much to her surprise Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by this she explained to "the Donald" that she was about to close a very important business deal and that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick "hello Cindy" to her when she was with her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.

Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was Donald Trump. Cindy turned about and looked at him as Trump said.

"Hi Cindy, what's going on?"

To which Cindy glibly replied, "Not now, Donald, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"

Kindergarden Jokes!

2010-10-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com

The impact of job change

2010-10-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."

Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn ?

2010-09-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

1. During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.

2. His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

3. When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”

4. Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”

5. He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

6. When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”

7. You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

8. As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

9. During intercourse, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”

Visit Video For More Info

Man Gives Up On Women

2010-09-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want. This came after a recently published report estimating American corporations had spent over $1 billion dollars in 2001 to determine what want women want from their products and marketing, and had largely failed. What to ask when a child's eye 'looks funny"

"If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and truckloads of money can't figure these women out, how on earth is the typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed to?" said Mr. Ross during an interview with Atlanta news reporters. "It may be that these women themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what will win them over.

Many admit to having the exact same qualities in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting." Mr. Ross's web site has generated over 32,000 letters of support from other men in its guest book since his announcement earlier in the day.