Today Funny Jokes, Videos and Stories

When Someone Is Using Your Email Account

2013-03-15T22:23:00.002-07:00

How to make your boobs grow faster

2013-01-06T10:08:00.001-08:00

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive." - Source

See Video Below

** How to grow your breast naturally ?

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Worst Christmas Cards

2012-12-21T22:41:00.001-08:00

The worst Christmas card. See some more ?

Don't Buy This To A Women For Christmas !!

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

Read some more ? Here

Funny Facebook Status

2012-11-24T17:29:00.003-08:00

1. Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey :

2. Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

3. At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way.
4. I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.

5. The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight :)

6. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

7. Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal!

8. Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?” Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”

9. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn’t realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: “Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.”

10. What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!

11This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

12. I haven't met Mr. Right yet, but I have met Mr. Fake, Mr. Player & Mr. A**hole. My middle finger likes them all

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Premature Jokes

2012-10-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

Do you have premature problem, read this simple advice.

A man who was having problems with premature ejaculation went to see his doctor to find out what could be done to cure his problem.

"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try doing something to startle yourself," suggested the doctor.

Taking the doctor's suggestion to heart, the man went out and bought himself a starter pistol. Anxious to try the suggestion, he ran home to his wife and found her naked in bed waiting for him.

As they began, they found themselves in the 69 position. A few short moments later, the man felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, grabbed the pistol and fired it.
The next day, he returned to his doctor.

"Well, how did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Not very well at all," replied the man. "As soon as I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit me really hard where it counts most and my neighbor jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!, read more premature joke here Premature Jokes 1and here too. Do you have premature problem, read this simple advice.

First Time Buying Condoms

2012-09-25T11:40:00.002-07:00

How to overcome premature ? Click here for easy step

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. ( Learn Easy Step How

to overcome premature)

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"

Do you have problem ` Coming To Soon' Visit Us Now

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers
to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Teacher Jokes : Clever One

2012-08-05T04:03:00.002-07:00

See more teacher's joke here : Joke 1

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Read more : SchoolJokes,Teacher-Student, CoolFunnyJokes

Caught by alligators

2012-07-20T15:18:00.001-07:00

How to avoid alligator attacks


See many funny alligator

A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.

"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.

Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.

He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped. Credit : Aha Jokes

See many more jokes here,

Related topic.

1.How to avoid alligator attacks

2. How not to get eaten by a crocodile

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Dorm Shower Jokes

2012-07-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

How To Shower In Dorm ? Click Here

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

More dorm Shower joke ? Click Here

How girls take shower in dorm

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The Price You Pay For Being Good

2012-06-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Read full real story about ` Heaven Gate'

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates". Read the site for earning, other site for $$

Stupid Video : Guy Catches On Fire

2012-05-16T17:38:00.001-07:00

This is really stupid video.

Cinema Jokes

2012-04-29T04:27:00.000-07:00

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper,

"The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car." Source

Not enough ? Click here for more cinema jokes

Dinosaur Jokes - 2nd

2012-03-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!

What do you do when a dinosaur sneezes?
Get out of the way!

What do you call a dinosaur wearing tight shoes?
My-foot-is-saurus!

What do you get when two dinosaurs collide?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
Because they can't afford new ones!

Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet!

What makes more noise that a dinosaur?
Two dinosaurs!

What does a Triceratops sit on?
Its Tricera-bottom!

Dino Jokes 1, Dino Jokes 2, Dino Jokes3 and Dino Jokes4

The Last Dinosaurs On Earth

2012-03-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

Q: Why do museums have old dinosaur bones?
A: Because they can't afford new ones!

Q: What did Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom!

Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Velociraptor?
A: Long distance

Q: Why did the T. Rex cross the road?
A1: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!
A2: Because it was chasing a chicken.
A3: Because it was being chased by a chicken.
A4: Because it thought it was a chicken.

Q: How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch?
A: "Tea, Rex?"

Q. What was 30 feet long, had a two-foot-long beak, and left crumbs all over the mattress?
A. Pretzelcoatlus!

Q: What do you call a blind Majungatholus?
A: Doyathinkhesaurus?

Q. What do you call a blind Majungatholus' dog?
A. Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.

Q: What’s better than a talking Vulcanodon?
A. A spelling bee!

Person 1: I keep seeing Pteranodons with orange polka dots.
Person 2: Have you seen an eye doctor yet?
Person 1: No, just Pteranodons with orange polka dots.

Q: How can you tell there's an Allosaurus in your bed?
A: By the bright red "A" on its pajamas.

Q: How can you tell there's a Stegosaurus in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close!

Q: What family does Shantungosaurus belong to?
A. I don't know. I don't think any family in our neighborhood owns one!

Child 1: Hey, who stepped on your foot?
Child 2: Well, did you see that Gorgosaurus over there?
Child 1: Yes.
Child 2: Well, I didn't!

Q: What has a prominent head crest, a duck-like bill, and sixteen wheels?
A: A Maiasaura on roller skates!

Q: Why did carnivorous dinosaurs eat raw meat?
A: Because they didn't know how to barbecue!

Q. How did the dinosaur stay dry in the rain?
A. He used a Parasololophus!

Q: What has sharp fangs and sticks to the roof of your mouth?
A. A peanut butter and Jeholopterus sandwich.

Q. What do you call a terrible, horrible, unpleasant dinosaur?
A. A Thesaurus.

Q. Why did the Bambiraptor say "knock-knock?"

A. Because it was in the wrong joke.

Q: Why don't dinosaurs ever forget?

A: Because they never knew anything in the first place!

Q. What happened when the Brachiosaurus took the train home?

A. He had to bring it back!

Child 1: I lost my pet Iguanodon!
Child 2: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?
Child 1: What good would that do? He can't read!

Q: What's purple and green and won't stop singing?
A. Barney taking a shower!

Q. What do you say to a 10-ton Albertosaurus wearing earphones?
A. Whatever you want. He can't hear you!

Q. What did dinosaurs use to make their hot dogs?
A. Jurassic pork!

Q. What dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
A. All of them. Houses can't jump!

Q. What should you do if you find a blue Dilophosaurus?
A. Try to cheer him up!

More About Dinosaurs

More Dinosaur Fun

The Filipino Wal-Mart Employee Joke

2012-02-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart..

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified –an American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino..

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer
would determine who of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’

Dave, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT’ It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of.’

‘That’s very good!’
replied the interviewer.

‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir , the Russian.

‘Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it
ever happened.A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very
popular cliche for speed.’

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of.’

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light’ he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, ‘Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the pastest thing is Diarrhea.’ ‘What?! ‘said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats…

‘Oh, I can expleyn sir,.’ said Eleuterio. ‘ You see, sir, da ader day my
tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, by golly! I had alreydi shit in my pants!’

Eleuterio is now the new ‘Greeter’ at Wal-Mart!

For more joke , Visit us

More Joke on Filipino A, B, C & D

Please Answer Below Question

2012-01-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

Ok Guys Answers The Question:

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

Message : Are you got all 6 wrong answers.

Glad to see your dirty mind! =)

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? See Difference Answer !

2012-01-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

Source : ToonPool

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's former ambassador)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one? Source : kt70

The World

2011-12-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

Funny Picture : Very Close Friends

2011-12-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

Funny - Angry Bird

2011-11-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

Maybe Bra For Kid ??

Present for Girlfriend

2011-11-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again. "

Three doors

2011-10-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Condom Motto

2011-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

So my girlfriend said "Take off my shirt"

2011-09-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Boy & Girls Naked in Bath Tab

2011-08-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."

So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."

The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. don't let any boy park his car in it."

The next day they are again in the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said.

5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, a boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires."