Jen's Random Thoughts

Pity Party

2018-04-20T14:58:00.002-07:00

Welcome, thanks for stopping by. And here I thought this would be a party of one.

So anyone who knows me will probably want to smack me in the head after reading this post. In fact, if I were one of you, I'd feel the same way. I am incredibly blessed - I have a beautiful life that is filled with people that I love tremendously. I've got all of the creature comforts, full use of all of my faculties and no major health issues. My life is full of friends - both new & old - as well as experiences that many will never have the fortune to enjoy.

With all of that being said, you may ask what exactly gives me the right to wallow in my own self-pity? Frankly, nothing at all and yet here we are...

On August 21st of 2017, I started in a new role. You know the old adage of "trust your gut", well definitely wish I had trusted mine. This was a role that I had previously turned down, more than once, as I felt as though the person in the role could never be successful. This was based upon the unrealistic expectations and the lack of leadership support.

Fast forward to February 21st of 2018, that's right, 6 months to the day... "We regret to inform you that due to a reorganization, your position has been eliminated." I knew it was coming, I saw with my boss' boss and asked her; she looked me in the eye and denied it, but I knew. And yet that premonition and business knowledge did nothing to take the sting out of the situation.

I was unemployed.

My rational brain had been preparing for this day, looking for other opportunities, ramping up the networking etc. Unfortunately my response to this has been primarily controlled by my incredible over-active emotional side. Some mornings I wake up, full of optimism, ready to take on the world. I convince myself that sometime in the next 8 hours a recruiter will be calling to offer me my dream job, complete with a raise and a puppy. Other days I can barely lift my head off the pillow, fearing that if I even attempt to be productive I'll fail, just like I've failed at everything else.

On the in-between days, I remind myself that my job does not define who I am nor does it define my worth as an individual. I try to keep my self-talk as positive as possible, which is not always easy. For years I've struggled with anxiety and depression. Despite the outward facade, I am incredibly insecure and as such I worry way too much about what other people think of me.

I know that I am certainly not the first person to be in the situation, nor will I be the last. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have the support system that I have, which includes a very successful husband with a good job. I also know that each person's experiences are different and we need to respect that.

So if you happen to run across someone who is unemployed or underemployed, please be sensitive. Asking them if they are enjoying their time off is not advised! There is nothing relaxing about waking up each morning and feeling as though you've let down everyone in your life. There is no peace to be found in worrying about how the bills will get paid.

If the situation is relevant, show your support by endorsing their skills or writing a recommendation for them on LinkedIn. Offer to be a reference for them, perhaps write a testimonial that they can share with prospective employers. Think about who is in your circle of influence and introductions that you can make. Chances are the person is not feeling great about themselves and may not want to ask for these favors, so you need to make an effort.

It's been exactly 3 weeks since I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I spend each day searching for the next opportunity, talking to recruiters and marketing myself. I've enrolled in a certification program, spruced up my resume and established an LLC. Yet each "thank you but..." email takes a toll, as do the jobs that are applied for and no communication is ever received.

Thank you for letting me wallow and vent for a few minutes. I know that there is a bigger plan for me that just hasn't been revealed yet. With every breath I dig deep to find the faith that in time it will be revealed.

Inanimate Object...

2018-04-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I took a creative writing course. One of the assignments was to write from the perspective of an inanimate object. It's not as easy as you may think, at least it wasn't for me.

Here's an easy one... see if you can figure out the object.

So there I was, just lying in the drawer. Sometimes I got out, but it has been a while.

She had that look in her eyes - oh yeah, I was working tonight. She picked me up, caressed me and I just knew. Then she put me down on the headboard... Hey wait!!

Whew, she came back. Lubricant in hand - time to work! She applied it lovingly, as she always does. I'm lucky that she takes such good care of me.

Ok, all shined up and ready to go. I was wearing my pink bunny ears and ready to go all night.

And then back on the pillow. Ugh! He's here, it's never as much fun with him here as it is when she is alone. I guess I just have to wait until he thinks he's done and then the real fun can begin.

He's good though, gets things prepped...

I Love Costume Jewelry

2018-03-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

I came across this document yesterday afternoon as I was going through some old work files. I had to do a presentation about myself as I had just started a new, challenging role. I decided to parallel my work life and home life, giving my new team some insight into the real me. You won't get the same effect in writing, but I can tell you that as a presentation it was pretty clever. The different fonts differentiate my "work" persona and my "home" persona.

Enjoy!

I love costume jewelry. I also love my job.

I have it in about 12 different places around my bedroom. I talk about my work at home, with my friends, my husband worked here for 13 years. I check my email on the weekends; wake up at night thinking about work issues.

A couple of years ago I decided I was going to be better about caring for it all. I went to the hardware store and bought the storage units that are made for screws, nails, bolts, etc. They're great for rings and earrings and the like. Almost a year ago I accepted a new position in a role that I knew would be a challenge. I started off very well organized and had a plan for how I was going to be successful managing this new process that I was responsible for.

For a while this system worked like a dream but the problem was that nothing ever got back to the place where it originally started. Yes, in the beginning all went well. I quickly realized that nothing was in one central location and the policies were literally all over the organization. Like my earrings, there were many pairs that should have been working together closely and yet hadn't seen each other in ages.

And then there was "the box". This is the collection of necklaces, all intertwined in one giant knot. I look at them and some days feel optimistic, so I take the knot out, sit on my bed and begin untangling them. Some are easy to get out, particularly those that have a smooth surface and can be unlatched. The problem comes in with the funky pieces - the beads, the different textures, the earrings hooked on chains. As time went on I discovered the many tangles. The smooth pieces are few and far between; it seems we are loaded with complicated processes, outdated policies and a lack of separation between teams which often times leads to confusion and duplicative work.

There are those days when I see something beautiful in the mess and I am determined to fight for it. I cautiously work at each strand, being careful not to break another piece or to make the tangle any worse. The sense of accomplishment is so very rewarding when I free the piece from the chaos. I plan exactly when I am going to wear it so that others can appreciate the fruits of my labor. Some days I am determined to make a difference in my work. I see that huge benefits can be gained with very little effort. I work on these items, whether bringing together groups of stakeholders, customizing forms or just listening to understand how things could be better. I display my Good Banking and Excellence awards like those necklaces that I have freed from the knots. I am proud of the work that was accomplished and know that little by little I am helping to make a difference.

Truth be told, there are some days when the effort just doesn't seem worth it. While I see the beauty of the piece of jewelry, I can't seem to muster the energy to fight for it. I've got neither the desire nor the patience to put all of that work into something that no one other than I will appreciate. I mean, honestly, if I wear it will anyone else know how hard I worked to get it out of the tangle... no they will not. They might not even notice it. If I am being completely honest, there are those days when I just can't get the motivation to get the work done. I find myself wondering why I even bother, feeling as though my little efforts will make little to no impact in the big tangle that we face each day. Creating decks that are never seen, scrambling for fire drills that never become fires and feeling disconnected & disrespected takes a toll both mentally and physically.

So where do I go from here? After much thought, I've decided that both with my jewelry and with my job, I am going to keep working on that gigantic tangle.

Sure it's frustrating but there is a reason why I bought that particular piece and why I accepted this role.

Care to join me as I clean out the jewelry box??

Welcome!

2018-03-06T17:52:00.001-08:00

I’ve always loved to write, it’s in my blood...

Some people struggle with words and on occasion I do as well, but in general writing helps me to work through problems, thoughts, ideas and dreams.

For many years I stopped writing, finding myself tied up with work, kids, pets, the house and all of the other trappings of middle-class suburban life. To be honest I didn’t realize how much I missed writing until an early morning conversation with my husband.

Each morning he feels compelled to read the latest Reddit entries to me. Most of them are interesting but to be honest, I’m not much of a morning person and I’m probably only processing about 30% of what my ears are receiving. However the writing prompts thread definitely got me excited... Some stories were amazingly well written and others left me unimpressed. After thinking many times about how I would have crafted the story, I realized that I was missing doing just that, telling stories. Sure I remain an avid reader, but the creative outlet for reading had been welded shut.

So how does all of this tie into what you’re reading right now?

Two weeks ago, I was notified that my job had been “impacted”, which is the polite corporate way of saying I was let go, laid-off, and other fun euphemisms. This was not a result of performance, it was a reorganization, just for the record. I suspected that it as coming, so I prepared as much as I could, but you’re just never quite ready. I was notified on a Wednesday morning and amazingly held myself together for the next few days. I was overwhelmed with messages of support which helped me pass the idle hours.

On Sunday night, I went through my normal routine of preparing for the work week. I opened the Good app on my phone to check my schedule for Monday and that was when I lost it. The gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks and yes, I cried. I cried for my team, who I love and miss terribly. I cried for the years of hard work that went unappreciated. I cried for the new program that I was managing, a role I had been in for just 6 short months, to the day. (Honestly, can’t make this shit up - to the freaking day). I cried for the potential changes to our lifestyle.

But you know what? I did not cry for myself. This, my friends, was a first. Sure I still have an anxiety disorder and I’m still incredibly insecure, but I also have hope. Miraculously I found the silver lining, I had been offered a chance to decide what I wanted to do when I grow up and I was ready to take full advantage of it. I had a chance to think about what I enjoy in life, what ages me happy and how I want to contribute to the live of others.

So here we are, with the first entry of my new blog, “Today I cried...”.

This will be a hodge-podge of topics, so please don’t come looking for inspiration. You’ll get a range of rants to reviews, with less than proper grammar and definitely less than proper language. This blog will represent real life, as seen through my eyes. If you like it, please keep coming back. Not or you? That’s okay too.