Today On Random...

Dead Space LP: I Need a Doctor...Or Ammo.

2013-01-30T07:52:00.000-08:00

*STROBE LIGHT WARNING*

The first part is a bit low, but I fix that near the end. This is broken up into two sets. Enjoy my pain.

Speaking of pain: I have been in a bit of it, so apologies for the lateness.

Set One:

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Set Two

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Dead Space 3: Building Futuristic Gun Simulator

2013-01-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

So the Dead Space Three demo came out yesterday, and while I was going to go into the co-op and how it works, I decided to talk about the "gun creation" the game has.

So you can launch a sort of "fun room" where you are stuck in a little corridor with nothing but a work bench, and a button that launches monsters at ya.

Now the game claims you can make 1,000's of customized guns throughout the singleplayer (or co-op) campaign. They ain't kidding.

For a solid hour and a half, I screwed with different mods, parts, and just plain bad combinations just to test out the functions.

Do you wanna shotgun that shoots flame shells, while have a rocket launcher under barrel that blows shit to smithereens? Go ahead!

Ya wanna Tesla coil that shoots arcs of pain that ricochet off of people, while having a needle gun to inject things with poison? Yep, shout hypochondriac jokes at them in the process too!

How about a flamethrower that has bottomless ammo clip and a freeze gun under barrel to go Mr. Freeze?

Did someone say "Barbeque?" Or, "Freeze, bitch!"

My personal favorite was a shotgun with a grenade launcher under barrel. The shells had the ability to freeze targets for a short period of time while my grenade launcher did the dirty work with bouncy flaming balls of doom.

Basically a deadly game of "Hot Potato." Except I only win.

I will give Visceral Games this, they came up with a great feature for a long-running series. I am a little worried about the game though:

In order to get blueprints for better guns, you need to pay real money to access them via micro-transactions. Needless to say Conquer59 looked up some comments to this, and some people were "not amused," put it politely.

Thankfully you can find parts to these weapons (and the badass combos) throughout the game anyways.

If you hook up with someone in co-op, be sure to put down ground rules on what and how you get/create your death machines.

Lest you wanna meet my Mr. Shotty and Mr. Hot Potato of Death. They would be more than pleased to let you know how they feel about paying real money to "cheat" in a game.

In Space with "Dead Space": Video Let's Play

2013-01-22T10:56:00.001-08:00

QUICK UPDATE: Part 1 & 2 is BORING. Part 3 is when shit really picks up in the fun. If you just wanna laugh. go straight to Part 3. If you are into the story and stuff, watch all in order.

Trust me, there was nothing I could do. It's a loooong intro.

WARNING: This game has a habit of throwing strobe lights everywhere. If you are prone to seizures due to this, take caution watching the videos.

Any feedback would be great.

Enjoy my pain.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Special Mail Delivery

2013-01-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

As finally promised, this is just a couple of fake letters that were delivered in the game Assassins Creed Three. The mission is real, but the letters are made up. Because the game doesn't give any written ones to go off of. So here I am!

The letters are in the Boston area.

Letter to Dock Worker

After running halfway across Boston, I reach a busy dockyard packed with more seamen than a swanky hotel. This dude was standing by what I would think is his ship.He wore a big red beret and blue striped t-shirt. Which made it THAT much easier to point his ass out. Which leads me to his letter:

Dear John Johnson Johnny Gerdshaw 2nd,

It has come to my attention your wife is living within our lands of the Frontier.

We know of this because of your "attempt" to raise smoke signals to communicate with your wife.

We know of her, and she is a kind woman who speaks highly of you, however these messages are making a mess of our own people's signals to other tribes.

The other tribes are voicing their distaste for the messages you consistently send off to court your wife.

If I see one more signal, and I quote,

"Baby, I will hump you like two bears fresh out of hibernation,"

Or,

"Oh, sweetie, you have an ass that could make a bobcat stop in it's tracks and go 'dayum,'"

I will be forced to find you in Boston, with two of my best hunters, and remove your "Johnson junior" as punishment for screwing with my people.

While your at it, bring some more beaver pelts, we're running low on things to sale for unfair prices.

Best wishes,
Chief Rain in the Puss.

Well HE won't fuck with the Native American's way of communication ever again.

I hate to be the guy who sees those messages and have to tell the tribal chief.

Letter to Farmer

The next letter was to a farmer in the eastern rural part of Boston. This dude was sitting on his front porch chilling. He had no idea what he was about to read:

To Mr. Vin Niesel,

I am ashamed of writing this, but someone has to warn you.

I was out at night taking a stroll through the market, when I saw your wife walking with another man.

I knew it wasn't you, sir, as this gentlemen was very tall, well built and had no hair. He claimed he was "hard to kill."

I followed them and caught them kissing under the "Tipsy Turvy" tavern sign. Five minutes later they went in and never came out.

I'm sure he was just saving her from any of the Jager mercenaries walking around. You know how crazy those Germans are, but I figured I tell you.

A dear friend.

I never saw someone run so fast before. And 10 to one he wasn't going to get "Tipsy Turvy" at the tavern.

How did people handle divorce back in the 1800's? Any better than King Louis the 14th?

Letter to Market Salesman

The last letter had me running to a soldier near a liberated fort. He was parked just outside chillin' with a couple of dudes by a fire. I figured it was for a transfer or something:

To Johnny Hepp,

Congratulations in joining the ranks of the Patriots, soldier!

On behalf of General Washington, we hope you will live up your duties of being a captain of your division.

Seeing as you were a captain of a large ship, we feel you will handle your land legs just fine.

We have to ask you keep your "slaying the ladies" business for off-duty hours only.

We were approached by some of the courtesans, with claims their sister's, friend's, mother's had relations with you and never saw you again.

I advise you no need worry about any straggling redcoats, but worry more about vengeful lasses "patrolling" parts of Boston.

May I recommend a transfer to one of our forts in the Frontier? A man desssed as Captain Kidd keeps watch over the area. Though he sometimes snaps and "asks" everyone in no particular fort to leave for a bit.

Personally I rather be there and deal with the cougars. Better than the other kind of cougars roaming our streets looking for answers form you, sir.

Regards,
Royal offices of the United States.

P.s. We will accept any and all rum supplies you have/had as means of compensation for any damages done by your "lovers."

Remind me if I ever run into some scoundrel-looking dude to run in the opposite fucking direction. I hate to be caught in the middle of a bitch fight between a past "captain" and his many lovers.

Or any kind of shennanigains he has to offer. I won't skip on an offer of rum though.

Think I'll just avoid the Caribbean altogether too. Just in case.

The two names, Johnny Hepp and Vin Niesel are both parody names off of famous stars. If you can guess who they are, you will get a cookie.

Update for Future Post

2013-01-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

Here's the post. Enjoy!

So there are these "Courier" missions in Assassins Creed Three, in which you deliver letters to random people.

Now, having said this, I have a special post coming dealing with this "mission." The letters you give have no meaning: It could be divorce papers for all I know.

So I have decided to make it interesting. I will be putting in my own words in what I think could be in those letters.

I have no frigging clue where I'm going with this, but hopefully you enjoy enjoy what creative comedy I spill out.

I will update this post tomorrow with more details.

I did say I wanted to write more. And here I am, eh?

Have a good one people!

Edit One: Alright so the "Courier" messages are going to be satirical letters to people that needed the letters. There were at least nine or so individuals, all at diffrent locations that resemble them. I.e. Dock worker, farmer, etc.

I don't know when the first post will hit, I am being hit with a nasty case of pain and sickness. Ah, how I love life...

Cheats: Good for Therapy

2013-01-14T08:18:00.001-08:00

More Assassins Creed Three...Stop rolling your eyes this will be it for AC3 for a bit. Maybe, kinda, proably not.

So once you defeat the game there are these "data hacks" strewn around the game's two town's of Boston and New York.

These "hacks" allow you to basically cheat. However the game does not save your progress and achievements are disabled.

Thankfully, you can turn them on and off at will. I will go through them quickly for the sake of your sanity. I do not remember the names off by heart but I remember the affects:

- Change the time of day to permanently day or night
- Take no damage from any attacks
- Be able to call upon recruits at any time
- Shoot weapons and reload without the need of the animation, (in other words turn a flintlock pistol into a semi-automatic handgun.)
- Able to assassinate any enemy at any given point, (during or out of combat.)

I did not know of these until last night, thanks to Conquer59, our resident troll.

So I said "Fuck it, let's make it snow and dark 24/7." After putting on the listed cheats, I laughed hysterically knowing what to do next:

Ask a local liberated fort if they could try out my new semi-automatic flintlock pistol.

Pretty much all the inhabitants went down in a blaze of "Scarface" quotes and evil laughter from yours truly.

Even the animals felt my wrath. A couple of rabbits plus a deer or two got in my way and looked at me funny. I told them they would fill the stomachs of the pack of wolves just down the hill tonight.

Then I blasted the wolves because I have had it with these mutherfucking wolves in this mutherfucking game!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I took my unkillable ass to New York, where I had some serious therapy issues to discuss with the Patriots there.

See, New York in the game is kind of a shithole: one area lives in luxury, the other lives in poverty, burnt-down homes and small pox. So modern New York today!

So I march into NY. The guards at the front door look at me. One of them cusses me out under his breath, another gives me the evil eye. I give them the honor of medal in their ugly-ass faces.

Then some fat-ass Grenadiers came marching one by one, I took the liberty of whooping their asses and throwing their bodies in the nearby lake. Turns out they can't swim for shit.

For a solid hour I marched across NY just whooping people's asses. And laughing hysterically.

After slaughtering half the town I ran into General George Washington, who was oblivious to my killing spree wiping out half of his general force.

Turns out he wanted to play a game of sorts. Probably a "Game of Thrones."

I politely declined and continued to kill two German mercenaries right next to him. Again, he didn't bat an eyelash. Smart man.

Near the end of my spree I decided to start a riot for shits and giggles, just to fuck with a patrol barreling down at me. In the wake of trying to kill them, I accidentally killed some civilians. I say "accidentally," but one dude looked at me funny, and another guy insulted my outfit. They had it coming.

If you "by accident" kill civilians, or not skin any of the animals you kill, the game basically kills you off and shoves you back somewhere. Usually with full ammo and health.

This isn't bad unless your doing missions, then it gets REAL annoying fast.

So I said fuck it and went to watch the Golden Globes. Because every great assassin needs a break. And what better than to watch people get snubbed, win big, and pet overly-large-ass egos for three hours.

Maybe we'll get lucky and Hollywood will be a future destination in "Assassins Creed Four."

CAI: Crime Assassin Investigation

2013-01-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

Yep. I patented that.

So this is more Frontiersman missions from Assassins Creed Three. As before, I will break them up into sections. This time we are dealing with straight-up folklore.

The Case of The Thing from The Ocean

-So while in Boston I stopped by a tavern to get a little happy hour in for shits and giggles. A frontiersman was talking about some sea monster larger than any sea-going vessel.

He describes it with many tentacles, green, and tipping over boats for fun. Then it disappears into the depths.

Holy shit, we're going to hunt the Kraken!

In order to tell if this shit is real, the game tells me to eavesdrop on some conversations to see if this is legit.

Me I was ready to have some big-ass deep fried calamari rings!

One conversation had two dudes talking about an old man pulling "the beast" onto his boat. Turns out the old sailor is dead, and his grieving widow is camping at his grave. Walking up to the poor woman she tells me I'm the first to pay respects. She points me to his shop for clues.

At this point I am disappointed I won't be sailing the Seven Seas to hunt down the bitch. At least it's pre-caught, so I can ready a deep fryer and dig in.

Examining the shop, it turns out this so-called "sea monster," was a frigging bell with hoses attached to it.

"Where the fuck is my calamari?!" I asked myself. I trotted off back to the tavern ready to open up a can of whoop-ass on the frontiersman. Until he gave me another mission...

The Case of The Unidentified Flying Object

- Now the old-ass fucker talks about seeing flashing lights and flames coming above "Beacon Hill." Saying others had their necks back as far as possible, mouths wide open, seeing this thing floating in mid-air and them disappear.

Fuck me silly, we're hunting UFO's now. Someone call Erin Ryder, shit's gonna hit the fan in a few minutes.

The mentioned hill was halfway across fucking Boston, which means I had to hoof it through asshole guards and bitch-slap orphans as they annoyed me. I could've thrown some coin to keep 'em busy but I was too lazy.

Finally getting to Beacon Hill the crime scene was pretty much empty. A small outhouse and a cabin with four trees was all that stood. Something was sparkling in said tree though, which in the game means a clue.

It took me a solid 20 minutes to figure out how to get into said tree, seeing as my brain was in "dumb dumb" mode yesterday.

Once in the friggin' thing, turns out ths "U.F.O" was a Umbrella.

A. Fucking. Umbrella. A pink one at that!

Call off Erin Ryder from "Chasing UFOs," it's just another hoax.

Be lucky I don't have a fuzzy picture of some Frisbee floating in mid air. I have more class than that!

As I walked back to the tavern, I said screw it to fisticuffs, I'll just cut the fuckers tongue out and feed it to the dogs. Sadly he was nowhere to be seen.

Maybe I got lucky and he got abducted. They proably have a "special" anal probe, just his size. Speaking of which...

The Case of The Haunted Lighthouse

- This was one of the first missions I took on in my long quest of folklore debunking. Probably from the same hairy bastard that fucked with me in Boston, no doubt! This time in the Frontier.

He was talking about fishing for Lobster and Crabs by the cliff side, when he heard noises coming from the abandoned lighthouse behind him. Flames came up to up top as if it was working.

Call Zack Bagans and his band of misfits, we got fucking ghosts up in this bitch!

I stopped listening for a bit when he mentioned fucking Lobster and Crab. FUCK THE GHOSTS I WANT ME SOME CRAB LEGS AND LOBSTER TAIL WITH A SIDE OF MELTED BUTTER.

I don't think I ever jumped on a horse in the game until that point. I don't think I ever had a game character run as fast as I did at that point too. Seeing as the objective was at the very top right of the map.

When I arrived some folks were camping at the bottom and told me not to bother. You could tell they were scared out of their wits, the poor pussies.

Marching up the hill there was a small barn and three people standing there. Two of them were arguing the place was haunted and dared the other to sleep in the place. I was going to jump in and threaten them if they touched my seafood they be sleeping with them, but I let the pussies be.

There is this vision the game is known for, "Eagle Vision," which highlights objectives, friends, foes, etc. Well there was footprints being highlighted leaving the house itself.

"Well time to go up!" As I started my climb to the frigging sky.

As soon as you get up there, you find the culprit to the people's case of shitting-pants syndrome: A scarecrow.

Not just any scarecrow, but one carved from a fucking tree and draped with a blanket. SON OF A BITCH DISTRACTED ME FROM MY CRAB AND LOBSTER!!!!!!!

Call off the "Ghost Adventures" crew.

Even the seafood was a lie! All I found was a chest with 7500 euros! At this rate I should've killed the fucking frontiersman right there, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I took on another mission from a different dude The last for Frontier before I headed to Boston.

The Case of The Headless Horseman

- Saving the best for last.

After Investigating the lighthouse, a frontiersman mission popped up at the camp near the lighthouse, where the people were camping in fear. I didn't tell them it wasn't haunted. Fuck it, it will only get worse for people as time goes on.

This guy was telling me about the classic tale of the Headless Horseman. Which, personally, was the coolest mission to take on, if not for the shortest.

For those of you who never heard of it: There was a battle going on between American Patriots, and German mercenaries called "Hessians." One of these mercs had his head blown clean off by a random cannon ball shot.

From there, his spirit rides around on a black horse, using a jack-o-lantern pumpkin as a head, who he sometimes chucks at people.

The frontiersman was telling me he saw corpses with their heads cut right off and their bodies mangled.He tells me the horseman's doing is to replace the pumpkin with a regular humans head.

I can't blame him, if I had a pumpkin as a head, it would be impossible to ask out a girl to a date. The glowing eyes and mouth and the bloodied sword of a many victims is a real date killer.

This time my investigation took me to only halfway across the world instead of a 20 year trip. At the location, I swear the bridge I crossed and the path I took was straight outta the short story.

There were a total of three bodies, all heads intact. After investigating one, a cutscene starts up.

A man with a Pumpkin head; glowing green eyes and mouth, a black cape, dressed in Hessian gear, stood upon his black horse and stared me down. He made a bellowing deep laugh as his horse waned and rode off behind the hill he stood on.

"OK!" I said to myself, "THAT, is the creepiest thing in this game yet. I am not going to sleep well tonight!"

I WAS going to chase after him, but I decided my head was quite comfortable on my shoulders and I don't wanna know what he does when you decline offers from him.

He can do his headless-pumpkin-throwing-boo thing, and I'll do my run-like-a-scared-bitch thing.

When Assassins go Camping

2013-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

More Assassins Creed Three singleplayer.

This time, I'm breaking this post up into the missions I did yesterday. So it doesn't get all crumpled up. Needless to say shit died and I break the world's longest running question:

Does Sasquatch exist?

Finding The Mystery Creature

-This first mission is from a frontiersman; Random people who look like Grizzly Adams rip-offs. He was talking about how people's shit keeps getting stolen, and the tracks it makes are unusual.

Fuck me silly I'm going "Big Foot" hunting.

The search zone was, again, on the other side of the map. But this time I could fast travel to the place without taking a nature walk!

*Puts on deep serious voice*: I arrive at the scene. I search the area, and discover unusual footprints leading into a nearby waterfall. I approach it, only to discover another cave.

I have expect a man-eating bear to come out to try and "bear" me a new asshole. I ready my flintlock pistol. Entering the cave, there is a bed, a table and some nice wooden chairs.

A man startles me, as he stares me down with his big brown eyes. His beard could hold an eagle's nest in it, while his clothes draped over his large, saggy body.

Some people are just...A bear of their own.

*Talks normally now*: "Sasquatch", as they call him, is just a big old guy with a Irish, or Scottish accent. Turns out he has a bad habit of stealing peoples shit, which he admits to.

"I'm not much of a people's person," he tells me. He offers to pay me coin to keep his cave, er, "home" and himself a secret.

I forgot to warn him there is this team of crazy-yet-entertaining people who travel the world looking for his existence. Forget the shows name, but I'm sure they'll find our Scottish/Irish friend yet.

On the plus side at least I didn't post a fucking fuzzy picture of a bear walking on two legs. Speaking of bears...

Three Bears and an Assassin

-On my way to another objective, I ran into a bloody black bear taking a piss by a tree. He makes a nice fur coat now.

He wasn't the problem, it was the pissed off bears nearby that was the problem. They were guarding a cub, and saw me as a threat to said baby. Or they caught wind of the massacre that happened and Yogi bear gave strict orders to kill me on sight.

I kinda felt bad killing them, seeing as the baby now fends for itself. It felt like the movie "Hatchet." The dude in the movie kills a big pissed off momma bear and sees her two cubs are, basically screwed.

If it makes anyone feel better I didn't skin them. And I threw down some food for the little one.

See? I'm not not that heartless! I'm "bear"-ly cynical!

Attack of the Man-eating Wolf. Again.

-This mission was taken upon two days ago, I just never got to it until yesterday. Some frontiersman was bitching about losing all of his furs and food to a wolf. But him and his buddy was able to peg it, if not feeling like they were being hunted.

Being the "CSI" detective I am, I took the liberty to hunt down this son-of-a-bitch and hang it's head next to the 4,399 other wolves I've fucking killed!

Arriving at the camp site, there are two dead colonials. One with his throat crushed in, and the other with his chest cavity bitten in.

"I swear to God, if I see Anthony Hopkins come out of the woodwork, I will just throw down my arms and say "Fuck it, you win."

After investigating one body (and looting the other of 15 euros), the culprit wolf snakes in from behind; jumping from a good seven feet while phasing through a tree and a tent.

Bastard "Teleporting Man-eating Wolf" strike again. And, once again, auto-jumps on my back and gnaws at my neck. This time I throw the bugger down and give it the honor of a blade in it's throat.

Dr. Lecter must miss the training where his students should not die horribly to a badass.

Suck it, old man!

How to attack a Fort like a Boss

So in the game there are these Templar-controlled forts. Why? The game never tells you. But once liberated, they become fast travel locations. I'll slaughter a bunch of redcoats for that! Hell I'll do it for a Kit-Kat!

One said fort is located deep within a wooded area. And the best way in is through the bloody trees. Well I didn't know this until after an hour.

While figuring out this difficult puzzle, I ran into a cavalry man whose horse was trying to phase through solid earth like the wolves.

Unfortunately horses do not have this technology yet, and it was rejected. I took the liberty of ending his drivers life before he figured out what the fuck was going on.

Now in order to liberate a fort, you need to blow up the powder keg and kill the fort's commander. Well this fort's commander figured he go for a nature walk when there was cougars and bobcats three feet in front of him.

That was one thing that needed to die, now time to slaughter everyone else camping up in my hut.

As mentioned, I took to the trees to get in, and landed right next to the powder keg...

And seven pissed-off redcoats.

I punched the shit outta them and continued my killing spree throughout the forest. I took all the pain the game's campaign put me through and took it out on the inhabitants. Trust me, I had a lot of "therapy" to discuss with the redcoats.

After a solid hour, and looting just about a sea of bodies, I was able to blow up the powder keg in fucking peace and lower the flag. Once this is done, a cutscene runs showing patriots kicking out redcoat troops.

"Uh, excuse me!" I started, "After *I'm* done, there isn't even a fucking rat in these places. So how come there is 12 redcoats marching out the fort!?"

In rebuttal I killed two patriot doormen and a couple of other dudes. They looked at me funny and one pushed me off a ledge.

Then I ran into the forest again, hiding in the trees like the predator. Awaiting a new mission proably dealing with more fucking bears, wolves, and God knows what else is camping in the forest.

Suddenly I want to go camping.

Photo of "CSI: Miami" meme from memegenerator.net
Photo of Hannibal Lecter from "The Silence of the Lambs" from Fanpop.com

Yogi Bear and Hannibal Lecter is gonna be Pissed

2013-01-10T08:45:00.003-08:00

So I was playing some Assassins Creed Three single player yesterday, when a mission turned into a friggn' hairy blood bath.

With the game finished and me bored, I decided to take upon a side quest of sorts. There are these missions in Frontier you can take, with one of them honing your hunting skills.

This one dude was taking about some patch of land good for some settlers. "But a bear with a taste for human blood seems to have settled their first," he saids so calmly.

Ah, I see Hannibal Lecter strikes again.

Turns out my hunting ground was, again, all the way across the fucking world. Which means another nature walk through the back country.

On my way I was attacked by a wolf who can phase through trees and whole earth to gnaw at my face, and I managed to kill Star Fox before he becomes Star Fox.

Sorry Nintendo fan boys, I couldn't find Slippy the shitty-useless-whiny toad anywhere.

Anyways as soon as I arrive at my destination, I am greeted by the locals. Which was a black bear sipping by a river.

I decided I sneak around the big bastard and start examining the crime scene. A blood spill next to a house tells me this bear just made a fresh kill. I knew watching "CSI" would pay off sometime.

The bear behind me didn't like me snooping and decided to give me a bear hug. I politely declined only to get almost mauled. But he went down and now his fur will be a nice tent to camp in.

Down the way searching for more clues, it appears our man-eating friend is in a cave, surrounded by a legion of black bears. In total five bears and a cougar, but it pissed it's pants and ran for it.

Smart animal.

So I took on Yogi's brother first, whooping his ass. Then I took on his cousin, who wasn't too happy to see me. Then his aunt rolls in to make a "bear" of a point to kill me.

Then the nephews wanna piece of me, they "bear" arms against me, but "bear"-ly made a scratch.

"Well Yogi is gonna be pissed,"I told myself. Now I could enter the big scary cave and hunt down Yogi's mom. Or Hannibal Lecter's apprentice.

Going in a bit, there is a dead redcoat, and a pile of blood and bones. Call Julianne Moore, we found Dr. Lecter's hideout. I could "bear"-ly tell the difference.

So on order to lure the fucker out, the game told me to grab a pioneer's dead body at the entrance, and put it in the centre of said mess. Once done, I pussy out in a stack of trees nearby.

Seconds in, a giant brown bear slowly meanders it's way in. This thing was BIG. As it ate at the body, I jump out in an attempt to be badass and assassinate it.

First mistake.

It wasn't happy with my attempt to "bear" an assassination, and decided it would rather eat me instead. What followed was a quick-time event (QTE) in order to slain it, if it didn't break from the QTE and run circles around me.

I figured it was trying to get it's "bear"-ings.

After five minutes doing the Dosi-doe, I finally plant a hidden blade in the bastards face and end it's reign of evil-ness. Dr. Lecter is gonna be pissed.

I took the honor of skinning the bugger and mounting it's head on my wall.

Don't look at me like that! It's a "bear" necessity!

So now I am the Master of killing wolves, bobcats, rabbit,s elk, and bears. Even man-eating ones. Someone won't be stealing those a-pick-a-nick baskets for much longer...

I can "bear"-ly wait.

Taking Pictures like a Professional

2013-01-07T14:23:00.003-08:00

So I have been busy being sick and, sick some more. Good way to start the New Year off, eh?

The good news is I have recieved the answer to my prayers as far as taking proper photos: An automatic shutter control, or, clicker.

This thing allows me to take photos without having to reach across my post to screw with my camera, and mess up shots.

Which means pretty soon there will be actual good photos! All I have to do is play with them in Photoshop.

And this is why there hasn't been an update. I have a set or two for Assassins Creed Three that needs editing, and tonight will be a set of Rainbow Six: Vegas Two.

I am quite happy. Now I go play with my new toy.

Thanks to my mom for the Christmas present.

This post will self-destruct your PC in five seconds.

New Year's Resolutions

2013-01-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year's everyone! It's time to start those resolutions that everyone makes...and usually falls flatter than a pancake. So in honor of the new year's spirit, I decided to share some of mine. You know, so that you can mock and compare notes with me.

Get a JOB.

- For some, you already have a job. Good on ya! For the rest of us, were sitting in front of the paper flippin' through the "Now Hiring" section looking for placement of just about anything.

True, McDonald's is a one-stop place for greasy, whiny, bitchy teens to take your order at the drive-thru, and then serve you the wrong food in the end, but some of us have "class" per se.

Personally, I would like to work at such establishments like IKEA. I couldn't pronounce half the crap they have in-store, but I could be a good salesmen.

Random person: Excuse me, can you tell me about this bed?

Me: That ain't no bed, that's called the "Tie-me-to-the-post-and-do-nasty-things-to-me 2000. Now with memory foam! Also known as "Bettrahmen der Sex mit Memory-Schaum."

I may have to work on my pitch a little bit.

Not Swear At All

- If you have been reading this blog, you will tell I have been a "potty mouth."

I swear more than a drunken sailor on shore leave. Anybody who knows me, can attest to that. I look at swearing as a means of getting what I was thinking (or am thinking) at the time across. It's a very bad habit.

So, I am committing myself to not swear at all in this blog, in real life, or anywhere else until the fucking end of the world.

...Son of a bitch.

Write a Bloody Novel/Short Story

- Funny enough, I like writing. Hence, this blog. But I have yet to put pen to paper to actually write one of the 179 ideas I have. Or fingers to keyboard for you young people.

I am not kidding. I have a whole book on friggn' ideas. I hope this year will be the year I get at least ONE out. Self doubt is kinda a bitch though.

If all else fails, then I'll just write about vampires that sparkle and have weird love triangles. Oh, shit, wait...

Do a "Let's Play" and Not Crap Out of It

- So, yeah, Dead Space...it's coming. Slowly.

Use Twitter more Often

- I have to be twittering more. Seems to be the new "Facebook." Without the bullshit.

Take Blogging Seriously

- Why do you think this is called "Today on Random..." Too many serious blogs! It's time we got silly!

Do not Break any Resolutions

- Fail. NEXT!

Learn How to Cook

- I'll be the first to admit I never knew how to cook proper. Ever since I burnt popcorn when I was a teen, and making my parents think I almost burnt down the house.

So this year I will try to make recipes and take food more seriously. Instead of just shoving it in my face and calling it a day.

If I'm ever gonna find the woman of my dreams, I'm gonna have to start somewhere. I already clean, do laundry, and DRIVE.

Bonus points.

Play Dark Souls and Finish the Game

- When Hell freezes over and pigs fly. Mmmmmmmm...Flying Bacon....

Learn to Do Math

- I think I'll leave math to the experts. It's a scary sight when I do math.

Get Outside more Often

- I'm a nerd. The only time I go outside is when I do shopping with my mom.

So I promise myself to get out more. Attempt to. Alone. *Shivers*.

Enjoy the New Year

- Above all else, I will try to enjoy this year. I am done school, I am looking for employment, and finally getting off my lazy ass to do what I'm good at:

Writing, taking photos, and making people laugh. At my pain. Because people suffering is good for the soul what I hear.

I hope you as well enjoy this new year. Whatever resolution you have, try to stick with it. It may be a big event, but new year's is just another day. Treat it like any other, and power through happy, healthy, love and be loved.

I look forward to what's in store for me, the blog, and everybody reading this. I hope to keep you all laughing for years to come.

If your a fellow follower, I thank you for sticking with me so far. If your new, I welcome you, and hope you enjoy your stay.

This is Uncle Canadian Dude from Today on Random, saying happy 2013 to all!

Wolves, a Bobcat, and Redcoats Walk Into a Bar...

2012-12-31T09:23:00.002-08:00

A WORD OF WORDS: I fixed up my potty mouth a bit. I got a little too happy writing this one.

So I was playing Assassins Creed Three last night when shit got real for me and I felt like a dumbass not getting any pics of the action.

Right so I was in the area called "Frontier", which is basically one giant-ass hunting ground full of shit. I was tasked of helping a french guy blow up a mine, because he wanted to make a knife for some lady so he can get laid.

Story of my life.

Anyways after defending him for five minutes and looting the corpses of dumbasses, I saw there was another person in need of assistance.

Pretty much at the other end of the map.

Which means it's time to take an hours walk to get to this person.

Did I mention it was winter in the game? Did I also say the snow was deeper than the Grand Canyon and walking in it took AGES? There's more snow here than in my backyard.

Anyways I started what would turn out to be an honest-to-God hour walk through snow.

As I was strolling along a lone wolf was taking a piss on a hillside. Well what else would it be doing? It's a wild animal in it's natural habitat.

Which means an opportunity to skin it for it's fur, nails, teeth and whatever else is inside.

Now any wild dangerous animal that attacks you triggers a quick-time event: Hit two corresponding buttons and you insta-kill it. Easy.

WELL after I killed that fur ball, my radar lights up like a fucking Christmas tree full of red dots.

"What is attacking me?" I asked myself. Turns out, I pissed off a very large, very angry wolf pack of 12. And they were beyond pissed.

I had flashbacks of killing Sif from Dark Souls, and figured these were his family coming for revenge. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, what have you.

One by one, they all charged me, with one little shit jumping one me and almost ripping my throat out. Once all was said and done I had the pleasure of skinning them all.

Before you rage message me PETA: Skinning animals in the game is a way of selling their pelts, teeth, etc. to stores for money. The game is based in Colonial era.

Once all was said and done I had enough fur pelts to make a tent and a sleeping bag. Good because this snow storm is getting ugly and it's another two fucking days hike to whomever is in trouble.

So after finally hitting a path I was close to my objective. But along the way there was these two silhouettes in the distance. Turns out it was a Elk and what appeared to be another friggn' wolf.

Seeing as I was not gonna have another wolf eat me, I decided to shoot the friggn' thing and be off. It was no wolf, especially since it growled like a pissed off kitty and jumped on my face.

"AHHHH! GET IT OFF!!! IT'S IN MY HAIR! NOT MY FACE!" I screamed as I mashed the "B" button. Chucking the shit head off and repaying the favor by repeatedly stabbing it until it croaked it's last meow.

This is why I hate cats. They fuck your shit up.

Thankfully it didn't do enough damage that I needed facial reconstruction, plus I was able to get the Elk as a bonus. NOW I could march up the hill and...

Fuck. Redcoats. And they were beating up some "overweight" gentlemen. I used a battle axe I stole from some Scottish dude and whooped some ass. Chuck Norris would be proud.

"Order up: One can of whoop-ass!"

Once the dude was saved I offered him land so he could live happily and not be pestered by any more. Before I could ask him if he could help me carry all these pelts, he disappears into thin-fucking-air.

"No it's OK!" I said to my television, "I'll just make the long walk back to my house and rest easy and recover! It's not like all of Nature is out to kick my ASS!!!!"

While walking back to my home, a wolf spawned in front of me. Since I didn't know if there was another legion of Sif ghosts waiting to kill me, I took a detour and told him to fuck his own furry ass.

Next time, I bring a bottle of wolf piss. That'll fucking keep them at bay.

A Belated White Christmas

2012-12-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

Well for years it has been a "Green" Christmas and warm Decembers where I live. For some time there hasn't been enough snow to even hold up our Canadian reputation to be called "Eskimos."

Where I live, our little town rest in a ravine of sorts. My friends outside of my town know this because I never shat up about it. Then again a blonde kept talking about Kingston every five minutes and a fellow Colombian swore his country was more than just cigars, coffee and drug lords.

I guess were all guilty a wee bit eh? By the way, if those two people are reading this, I am just kidding! You may erase your FB hate messages.

Anyways recently the news (CP24) was having an absolute fit about a coming snow storm; a rather large one that would dump on the whole province. Now in the past i would call bluff, and say the monkey spinning the wheel in the background got it wrong. 99% of the time they were.

However, as of last night while most of us were snug in our beds imagining whatever, Mother Nature decided she wanted to give us a belated "White Christmas."

You can't tell: but there was, quite literally, five feet of snow, maybe even more.

Now anyone from Europe will look at these and laugh their asses of. Seeing as Ukraine got 25 feet of snow?

This is just kids stuff.

The backyard itself had mountains. I almost found myself face-first in a pile of dirt and concrete losing my footing. Then there was a fort hanging above our backdoor, just waiting to fall on somebody.

I took the liberty of removing it, only for it to fall on me. "Well at least I got my shower in!" I told myself. Only to continue to remove/rain more fucking snow on my friggn' self.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't drenched in the shit and freezing what arms I had off.

Mother Nature: 1
Me: 0

And as I write this my mom called me to look at the back deck: it is now covered in fucking snow again. It seems Mother Nature isn't done giving us that "snow storm" yet.

If anybody wants me I'll be outside cursing the Gods and my puny weak-ass shovel. Probably singing "Let It Snow," by Vaughn Monroe while I'm at it.

Yep, I am crazy.

Edit: According to the news, everywhere from Ottawa to Texas is hit with fucking snow. Since when did the south get hit with snow??? How them Southerners gonna shovel their trucks out of them snow pits?

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...Not your Grandma's Poem

2012-12-22T10:46:00.001-08:00

So this is a project I have been working on for a couple of weeks now. Hopefully you all enjoy my rendition of the famous poem. This is not to be taken seriously, it's just for fun. Hence, the title of this blog.

If you are a parent do not read this rendition to your kids for God sakes. If you do, and they start swearing like Uncle Canadian Dude here, well that's your own fucking fault.

EDIT: There was a verse being repeated and a couple words missing. All is well now.

I like to dedicate this post to my Mom and Dad. They are the two funniest people I know, and it's their love and humor that made me who I am. I love you Mom and Dad!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas: As told by Canadian Dude

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a person was stirring, except for a mouse. And his mouse trap;

The stockings were hung without a care,

In hopes that some fat ass, would soon drop here;

The mama’s boy snuggled alone in his basement,

With visions of employment dancing impatient;

And mama in her ‘kerchief and I butt naked,

Had just settled in for some laughter with Hawkeye and the 'Cap,

When out in the yard there arose such a noise,

I sprung from my bed to shout at the boys.

Away to the window I flew open the flash,
“Shut the fuck up! Were trying to watch M*A*S*H!”

The moon on the teat of new-fallen snow

Gave the glare on hustlers below,

When, what to my wondering drunk eyes should appear,

But a friggn sleigh and eight friggn reindeer.

With a fat old driver, so drunken and thick,

I knew I had to get off the sauce, quick.

More slowly than a Sunday driver he came,

As he burped and slurred all of their names;

“Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

*Hic!* On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder *burp* Blitzen!

To the top of that house! To the top of the Beer Store!

Now dash away, dash away from the police now!

As snow flurries into the moonlight sky,

It almost knocks out the fat guy, mid sky,

So up to our house-top the bitches flew,

With a sleigh full of toys, well St. Nicholas hopes so too.

And then, in a shuffle, I heard a tumble

The crunch and crumble, of reindeer tumble.

As I drew around, to call the police,

Down the chimney, came a fat white teat.

He was dressed in fur, sicker than shit,

While his clothes covered with pits;

A bundle of toys he whipped to his back,

He looked like a homeless man, begging for a flask.

His eyes -- oh so saggy! His dimples, oh so fatty!

His cheeks were rosy! But that could’ve been the Brandy.

His drool little mouth drooled a lob of spit,

With his big white beard becoming a catchers mitt;

The stump of a cigar he held tight with his lip,

And the smoke it encircled the room like a bitch;

He had a broad face with his wide ass fading,

He was uglier than Rosemary’s Baby.

He was plump and fat, like a senior’s old cat,

And I laughed as I saw him, despite my fat white ass;

A hic and a burp,

Gave me worry to herp;

He spoke in mumbles, as the toys jumbled,

And filled the stockings; and turned in a jerk,

A quick hit of a flask,

He flew up with a flash;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his bitches he whistled,

And away they pulled a jolly old fat guy, they thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a *hic* night!”

Fin.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

From Uncle Canadian Dude with love!

You call this an Apocalypse?

2012-12-21T10:48:00.001-08:00

Well as I sit and write this in my pajamas I continue to ponder what all the fuss was about with this "Apocalypse" stuff. I was originally going to make this a boring old update post, but I am in some pain and sick, so I will have fun with this.

Why, oh why did so many bloody people give a fuss about the friggn' end-of-the-world bullcrap? Everyone points to the Mayan calendar showing that it ends pretty much around this time, which gives warning bells to dumbasses...excuse me; rednecks, jocks, hipsters and rarely stoners, that were all gonna die!

Uh...last time I checked, the Mayans didn't see a couple things coming their way:

- The arrival of the Conquistadors
- The soon-to-be full-scale war with the Conquistadors
- Their own friggn' annihilation
- The coming of "Twilight."

Would you really rely on a society that didn't even see their own demise coming towards them like a freight train?

Hell, Nostradamus is a better medium to tell us when the aliens will invade us and probe our asses.

Now, as for the "Four Horseman," I would be dammed well surprised if they could travel the globe, on horseback, and wipe out entire civilizations.

They would be making some pit stops along the way to sink in the sights. Like the Three Gorges Damn spewing out lava instead of water. Las Vegas turns into one of the seven circles of hell. I bet Gluttony.

Or why not stop by Quebec? Fake-french people who despise the English? Sounds like an average day at the office for the horseman.

Personally, a zombie apocalypse has a better chance of popping up than Godzilla trampling through Japan.

And if it does, us nerds will be the last ones standing. Why do you think "Left 4 Dead" exist? As a fun game? Nooooo, it's a zombie-training simulator.

Then again, there are hundreds of people who have spent - ballparking it - thousands on guns, nuke shelters, maybe a small army in the event shit DOES hit the fan. Those poor freaks.

The rest of us just point and laugh at their existence. Saying "crazy ass fools! That shit will never happen!" And then we find out we will be the first to die. Figures.

Whatever you believe in: Zombie apocalypse, end of the world, Honey Boo-boo runs for President, 10-to-one something's gonna go down. But right now, I think it's best to just enjoy life to the fullest and not worry about the little things.

So if your currently in your bomb shelter reading this:

YOU CAN COME OUT NOW. Ya crazy son's of bitches.

How to Celebrate the Christmas Holidays!

2012-12-10T08:43:00.002-08:00

So for some of us, Christmas is fast approaching. So fast, that some of you haven't even went shopping yet for loved ones, family and friends. Some of you proably will be with family and friends this year, lucky you!

No sweat! Uncle Canadian Dude's got you covered! I happen to be an expert at this time of year! Not just for how to celebrate Halloween!

So grab an ice cube to sit on, a pen and paper to write with, and let Uncle Canadian Dude give you the ropes. Trust me, I am not a professional.

Gift cards are your best friend
- I know what you're thinking, "Gift cards are a poor man's gift and lazy! Only dip shits give out gift cards!"

That depends on who your giving it to. Ya don't really wanna give a "Home Depot" gift card to someone who doesn't know what a hand saw is, or hammers in nails with the wrong side of the hammer.

You know who you are.

And ya don't wanna give a card to "Best Buy" if someone doesn't know how to even turn on a laptop. Or God forbid hits that ONE button that nukes Germany and separates Quebec from Canada.

That doesn't sound like a bad idea...

My point: Do your research. Find out what the person's haunts are, then find out what is too friggn' expensive to afford them and give them some money and tell them to go nuts.

If all fails, there's always iTunes points.

Wrap the bloody gifts!
- Once the shopping is done and your wallet shits out moths, now it's time for the hard work: Wrapping your gifts.

Don't roll your eyes at me! I know for a fact some of you have on occasion, shoved a gift in a bag, covered it with colorful paper, and said, "Here ya go! A pair of pink fucking underwear!" Or, "Merry Christmas! A Justin Bieber CD and the "Twilight" movie series!"

If this happens you have all the permission in the world to beat these people down with a giant Santa Clause ornament or slit their throats with a sharpened candy cane.

It's not difficult to wrap a present. If your like me, you put lots of wrapping paper on, and then continue to tape every singe edge of the present. I'm talking folds, cracks, open airwaves, even wife's and girlfriends and mothers who are nagging at you saying, "You're doing it wrong!" or, "That's too much tape!"

I personally would use duct tape in that situation. It's not called a handy man's secret weapon for no reason!

Your welcome ahead of time gentlemen.

The mistletoe doesn't always friggn' work
- Coming from a single guy like me, of course it's not gonna work. For the rest of you married or in a relationship: Ho, ho, ho.

Now if your like me, you would try to take advantage of said plant. Carrying it around, trying to get that lady to pucker up. Usually that ends in a slap, kick to the red berries, (or will be once that happens) pepper spray or taser to the head, chest, or the "tree branch."

Thankfully all I ever got was rejection. But I have seen desperate people get kicked in the ass before. So do me a favor single people: Don't camp under the bloody twigs and berries hoping for "the one." My advice: Hit the bar scene with a wingman.

Or just stay at home, lock the door and play Xbox all the time. Then curl up into a ball and cry yourself to sleep at night. That's what I do...

Enjoy the holidays!
- Pretty self explanatory. Enjoy the holidays with your friends, family, and loved ones. It's a time to get together, relax and drink a punched fruit bowl. Just do me a favor if you do get wasted, stay as far away from the tree as possible.

Ya don't wanna set the tree on fire, destroy it, or dry hump it to pieces. You may come up with a new sexually transmitted disease: Tree-sap rash.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas from Today on Random and me, Canadian Dude. Have a happy and safe holiday off!

Hi my name is "Baby T-rex."

2012-12-10T07:58:00.004-08:00

So this happened years ago, but I figured you all need to laugh at the humility that I committed. This post is dedicated to my buddies Conquer, Limp Bizkit, and DuskJustin.

So years ago, Xbox Live had the game show 1 vs. 100 on some nights or so. Me and my gang of misfits would hop into the lobby, do the grandpa dance and mock each others taste in fashion, women, and each other for good measure.

I personally called us the "Dancing Misfits." And thank God nobody else could see us. I think our message centre would be chock full of people insulting us. White men CANNOT DANCE.

Anyways we were part of the audience as usual; mocking the dumbass or lady who became "the one," and shout profanity at him/her about their mother.

Ok that was mostly Conquer but I digress.

There was a question that came up, which I think went along the lines of this:

Which Dinosaur was known as the "Speedy Theif?"

A) Oviraptor

B) Tyrannosaurus Rex

C) Velociraptor

Now, as a kid, I LOVED Dinosaurs. That's all I ever talked about. Hell I almost went into Paleontology, until I found out you had to be outside for long periods of time. I was a special child.

Anyways, when you answer a question early and fast before the answer, you get bonus points. I was going for an achievement to answer five or so in a row.

Now I know the answer is Velociraptor. Hell my brain was shouting at me "C! C!!!!!!!!!!! Raptor Jesus dumbass!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I chose B before the question even finished.

See, my brain was talking, but my hand was ignoring my signals and had an epileptic fit and hit the B button on my controller.

What followed was endless laughter by the gang and a new nickname from DuskJustin: Baby T-Rex.

Needless to say I never forgive myself, especially since the show was cancelled. Bastards.

So to this day my nickname is now " Baby T-Rex." Now I just look back and laugh my ass off about it. I miss those times when me and the Dancing Misfits would get together and mock each other and bust a move. I also miss Jen Taylor being the hostess but that's a different story.

Dancing Misfits for life.

Caution: Assassin's may rewire your crap to kill you

2012-12-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

So more Dishonored shenanigans for ya. This time the events that took place were totally not my fault. Most of it.

So I was sent on a mission to find this important character of the game, who was being held in a brothel of all places (this game is based around Victorian-era London I presume).

Before I move on, the game has these whale oil tanks that everyone uses to power just about anything. These tanks, are very volatile: sneeze at them and kaboom.

So I was at a intersection where these pylons (one was adjacent to the other in a doorway) were giving off electricity. Thankfully a couple of guards were standing there having a conversation about this thing.

Turns out it's called a "Wall of Light." Basically only city guards can pass through unharmed. Everyone else who touches it, soon goes zap! Kerplunk! Boom! And turns into ash and takes the stairway to heaven. Or bullet train to hell whatever works.

Now here's just one of the awesome things about Dishonored: these "wall of light's" (and other gadgets that can kill you) have a wire leading it to a whale oil tank, OR a console you can re-wire so that it don't kill you, but fries the city guard.

Thankfully, where I was hiding, there were three tanks + the one plugged in. But I decided I wanted to be evil for a minute. In order to hack these consoles, you need a re-wire tool. I had three. So with Dumb and Dumber still talking, I sneakily (it's a word) went up to the box, opened her up and re-wired that sucker.

A message pops up saying you no longer will get hurt from these things. Unfortunately my electrician skills didn't go unoticed. Dumb and Dumber noticed me and called upon their five or six other guys on the other side of said wall for help. Dumber however is very impatient, and decided to try and shoot me with a bloody pistol.

He didn't put into perspective that I was standing behind thick sheets of metal framing, and four volatile tanks within his cross-hairs. Just before he pulled the trigger, a buddy of his runs right into the wall, and turns into a pit of ash, just as Dumber pulls the trigger, igniting the barrels, and sending him and his buddy Dumb a free friggn' trip to the Moon.

"Well that was entertaining!" I said aloud. After that, the rest of the pack of dumbasses formed a nice neat line and one-by-one got burned to a crisp as they walked into my wall of pain. I never said they were smart guards.

It turns out after a certain number of things run into the wall, it turns off because it runs out of whale oil juice. Pretty much my fault as I chucked in a couple of dead bodies I had strewn around the map. Cutting out the middle man and saving the mortician the leisure of screwing with bodies.

Why should they have all the fun?

A Duel Eh? Have a Slo-Mo Bullet to the Throat!

2012-12-05T09:38:00.002-08:00

So I recently got Dishonored as an early gift of sorts, and I frigging' love this game. I will not go into detail about the game: too much to talk about.

Anyways at some point I was tasked with crashing a party to kill some lady who and her sisters are real evil and what not. But I had a optional objective to see some dude and give him a note.

The party was a masquerade, or a masked-ball of sorts. My "other target" was wearing a wolf mask. Easy enough, seeing as everyone else was wearing a fly, a whale, a giant-frigging' shark, and I think a tumor.

Dunno. Didn't care. Because everyone had pouches full of money I could pick-pocket off and no one would catch me in the process.

Hey, they were all rich aristocrats, and I'm an assassin: I need to get paid for my job SOMEHOW. And they don't need it. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

Anyways after eaves dropping, excuse me "listening" to some gents talking about my target being outside, I quickly picked their coin purses, mocked their masks and bad style choice, and legged it to my buddy.

He was with two city guards, who were having a smoke and shooting the shit with Mr. Wolf, as I will call him.

So I walk up to him all like "Yo, Mr. Wolf, I totally have this letter for ya from a friend of mine." The friend is a major character in the game, who asked you to give the note to Mr. Wolf.

So I gave the note to him, and he trows it to the ground and starts gettn' all angry and stuff.

"Damn him that cowardly piece of shit!" he exclaimed.

I'm standing here thinking "what is going on?"

Then we walk up to this box, and one of the guards is like "Let it be known there are two pistols in this box and Mr. Wolf and the civilian are to be armed."

A DUEL?!!??!?!??!?!?!?!

The guard continues, "You will both step on the marked platforms and await for my count from three. Then you will both turn around and fire."

CAN'T I JUST CUT THE BITCH IN HALF? OR SUMMON A PACK OF RATS TO EAT HIM?

Mr. Wolf, impatient stops the guard. "Yes, yes let's get on with it. I will kill this fool and we can head back inside."

DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!?!?!?!?!

You know, I think rats are too good for you. A pack of squirrels to eat you alive seems like a better idea. Heh, heh, heh.

So we take our positions and I wait for guard dude to count. Now the game gives you these powers, one of which can slow down time.

So when the guard hits "one," I hit "Slow-mo," turn around, and shoot the bitch in the throat.

"Witchcraft!" the guard yells.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?!" I rebuttal.

"Another patron dead," the second guard said. "Let's go get some whiskey. Let the Boyle's clean this mess up."

Cheers, guys! So in total gloat I summon a pack of rats to eat the bastards corpse while laughing devilishly.

This apparently pissed off four other guards including the two dumb and dumber, which came over, beat my rats into paste, and then continued to hack at me.

"DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?! Yes. Yes he does. So let me have my glory, assholes."

Note to self: Just tea bag the fucker and move right along. Which I did after a re-load. And I stole his coin purse and mocked his mask. Ha. Ha.

Lesson of the day kiddies: If your in a duel, use slow-motion time-bending bullshit to turn around and shoot the bastard and then gloat as the guards look in awe.

But don't summon a pack of rats to "hide" the body. Uncle Canadian Dude learned the hard way what happens if done so.

Part 1B- "Can't Fix the Tram." My Ass.

2012-12-02T11:08:00.003-08:00

This is part two of episode one. Which is here.

Alright we have an objective now: Fix the friggn' tram and replace the data board. So that the two happy couple can stop arguing in my fucking ears!

Yes game, I know.


You two better appreciate this. not like your in any danger what-so-ever.

Just in case your wondering, the board to activate said tram won't let you send the broken tram car.

Ah, well, kiss my ass then, computer!

So now we have to become "Errand boy" for this leg of the race. First search some lockers for med kit and ammo.

Gimme.

I forgot to mention: Each playthrough will randomize the lockers, boxes, etc. It all depends what weapons you have with you for ammo drops, As for health and credits there is no specifics. Just remember the harder the difficulty, the less ammo you'll have scrounging up.

There are two directions you can go to. This direction leads to a medium med kit and an audio log, and a locked elevator.

The other is the way you have to go to fix the tram car. So yes, go this way first.

Oh, hey Mike. You don't look so good man.

If ya don't mind Mike, I'm just gonna CURB STOMP you in case you get up and try to kill me.

Oh, God, what does Hammond want now?

Hammond: Isaac, be careful. Shooting them in the body didn't seem to work. Go for the limbs, dismember them. That should do the job.

NO I'M GONNA DO A 360 AND SHOOT OFF THEIR HEADS AND PROCLAIM THAT "I AM MLG!"

Yeah one big annoyance: They bash this tactic over your head. Kinda annoying after you played this game religiously. They fixed it for the second though.


Oh, look. A big empty hallway.

You know, Hammond and Kendra could've just hopped down, and fixed the tram themselves. It's a hop skip away from their platform. No sense arguing with them. I'll let them argue with themselves. Pricks.

Walking down this hallway, you hear a roar echo through the place. Thankfully nothing comes out to get you. Be warned though it is from a creature you will meet later. And it is big.

Get to here and this door is having a seizure. Step in it's way and you will be chopped in half.

Kinda like those dead guys there.

First, let's see what's in the box.

Eh, ammo's always good.

Now it's time to pick up your Best Friend Forever.

The Stasis Module.

Wadda know, it fits perfectly!

Stasis is the act of slowing down a fast object, (malfunctioning door) or slowing down fast enemies.

In other words: You be fast, they be slow!

Yes game, I just said that.

Kendra: Looks like that door is malfunctioning, Isaac. Try using the Stasis Module you just picked up.

And how do you know I just did such a thing?

These stasis recharge stations fill up your meter fully.

Your stasis meter is shown in the half circle on Isaac's right shoulder. When this runs out, you have no stasis.

Hey, door: FREEZE!

And now we may continue.


Keep an eye out for stasis packs. These are portable recharge stations, but they only fill so much.

While entering the hallway to the tram, the lights go off, and the hallway is pitch black.

I wasn't kidding when I said "pitch black."

What appears to be noises can be heard above you, as if your being stalked by the creatures.

Eventually the lights go back on. And we can move on.


First we will do something I never done: Go into the washrooms.

In all the time playing this game, I have never went into the washrooms. Too scared to do so. Because nothing EVER good comes out of the washrooms.

If anyone wants to kill me, speak now or forever hold thyne peace.

The dudes side has a med kit.

The girl's side has ammo.

No, there wasn't anyone alive in there. And no, nothing attacked me. Figures.

Near a locked door, curb stomp a box for loot.

Nom.

Now we can fix the tram. Good Lord who the hell beat it up this bad?

I blame teenagers.

I'm watching you two. One eye open bitches.

And here is how you upgrade your stuff: Power Nodes.

These things are the key to upgrading your suit and weapons at a work bench. They can be bought but cost 10,000 credits. They are rare finds so be careful how you use them.

Oh, God: Kendra again.

Kendra: Your stasis module should be able to help you with that arm mechanism.

What she means is one of the hooks there is broken. So if you activate it, she retracts.

This one works well. Yay.

Oh, look: Company.

Hold still; there's something on your face. let me shoot it off for ya.

There, better now?

Two dead guys and an item box. This is no way a trap.

Son of a bitch.

This one is different color. Which means he's tougher. You will encounter different varieties all across the game. They all want to kill you. Figures to that.

So wadda you have to say?

Engineer: Listen up, car 8 is trashed. We managed to get it back to the repair depot, but now the auto-loader is fired.

Engineer: I need a Stasis module brought down here now! If we don't get this piece of shit off the tracks, it's going to jam up the whole system!

Don't worry: i will fix it. Since your dead and your buddy kindly gave me his module.

Stay put ya fried arm.


When attached, activate the replacement cycle.

Computer: Replacing damaged tram car. Please stand by.

Oh, joy: Something's gonna attack me now eh?

I was right.

Kendra: Isaac you did it! That tram was blocking the whole system.

Well duh.

Kendra: When you get the computer online, you'll be able to call the tram from the control room. Faster the better...I can hear something crawling around out there...

Yeah me too. FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

And look who wants to spoil my fun.

He didn't drop anything. HE deserves a curb stomp on the forehead. or what's left of it.

The new car is replaced onto the track as the arms place the shiny new tram car.

Computer: Tram replacement complete.

Thanks computer. At least you ain't out to kill me/give me errands/bitch in my ear. Good old technology.

Part three here. (Eventually.)

Episode 1A- You call this a "Simple job?"

2012-12-02T09:45:00.001-08:00

Prologue here.

When we last left off, we had a friggn' long ass intro, followed by a welcome by the crew: In the form of killing off two pilots and chasing our protagonist's ass into an elevator.

After the asshat tries to barge into the elevator (and fails), we take it to some sort of creepy room.

Course it's locked.

Approaching this door causes a man on the other side to start banging on it calling for help. He saids something about "them using the vents."

So instead we shall head left of the door.

"Cut off their limbs." Words to live by in this game.

And here's the weapon for the job.

Walk over to the bench there to pick up your first weapon: The Plasma Cutter. Basically your go-to gun. Solid firepower, decent reload, and not a bad fire rate.

It's also worth noting that almost all the weapons are based off engineering tools. Since Isaac is an average guy who is in the middle of a shit storm.

This is the point where the game beats the "Cut them apart" motto over your head.


On the plus side we can throw punches and curb stomp things into submission!

Before moving on check these boxes for small med pack and money.

You will need credits, as they are called, to buy stuff from the store. More on that later.

See these boxes? Curb stomp their asses!

These green boxes hold money, ammo, or health packs. If ya see them, open them up. Don't worry, the crew won't mind. Their not using them anyways.

At this point the guy behind the door's whaling is killing my ear drums, so now we can open the lock to save his ass.

These purple locks need to be destroyed before a door is unlocked next to it. Either shoot it, or punch it.

What you don't see is me attempting to punch the lock open. So I said "fuck it" and shot it open.

Excuse me sir, but could you explain what the hell is going on? And could you direct me to the nearest escape shuttle?

Oh fuck you.

Yes, as soon as you open the door, that asshole jumps the man and kills him. You can't save him, don't waste your ammo until it jumps at you. THEN cut it to pieces.

AHHH!!!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!

Or get pulled into getting chomped on and activate a quick-time event. If one of these things grabs you, mash the "A" button (Xbox 360) until you punch it's head off.

Here, chew on my fist!

For all I know, it could've just wanted a hug. A very painful hug.

It's good to note: Shooting their heads off only precedes to piss them off. They will still come at you. If ya shoot off their legs, they will crawl towards you and hack at your shins.

Laments terms: They want to kill you. And they will stop at nothing to do so.

When they die, they have a chance to drop ammo or credits.Most times ammo.

That doesn't mean you can't CURB STOMP THEM INTO KETCHUP SAUCE!!!!

The harder the difficulty, the less ammo they drop. So aim carefully.

My bad.

Moving down the corridor we come to another game tip: The act of using med kits. As explained before, the blue bar on your back is your health. When you hold up your gun, it shows how much ammo for that clip.

There is no hud to clutter the screen. And thank goodness, because I really don't wanna draw my eyes away from whatever wants to chop me into sushi while I examine 50 different things.

Yes, game, I am explaining that now.

See that empty bar? That shows when you take damage.

And this is what happens when you use a med kit.

You can only use med kits when your injured. You can't just use them up willie nilly. If your inventory is full, either drop something, or if need be, heal.

Before moving on, head left as soon as you enter the "med kit hall." Go pick up some credits for your hard-earned healing.

Figures. This tunnel is blocked.

FOR GOOD REASON.

Ah, the audio logs.

Throughout the game, you will come across "Audio logs." These are messages left from crew members painting the story of what went down before your arrival. Some are personal messages of what's on the person's mind or even a hint at a puzzle.

This one is from a dude named Benson.

Benson: This is Benson. Everybody listen up! They're using the vents! That's how they're getting around the ship!

Benson (continued): Stay away from the vents...

A man shouts in the back ground.

Look out!

Benson: Get back! Get back!

A hiss is heard followed by men screaming. End of log.

THEY'RE ARE VENTS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the fuck does one ship need so many vents for? God, I'm never gonna look at these things the same EVER AGAIN.

But yes, keep an eye out for a random dust cloud coming out of a vent; This means an enemy is about to pop out. Also watch out for silhouettes and noise of a vent breaking. No you cannot seal them.

At this point we reach Tram control.

I wonder what's happened to Kendra and Hammond? Maybe we'll get lucky and we can GTFO outta here.

Ah, shit a brick.

Kendra: Isaac? Issac! God, I can't believe he made it.

YOU can't believe *I* made it?

Hammond: Isaac, we ran into more of them on the way over here. Are you oKay?

Kendra: More what?! What the hell are those things? Is that the crew?!

A short answer: Yes. What's left of them.

Hammond: Keep your voice down! Whatever they are, they're not friendly! And half the doors on the ship are locked because of the quarantine.

Doesn't mean anything. All my doors over here are all unlocked. So BLEH!

Hammond: Now we have to get to the bridge, but first, we got to repair the tram system.

Of fucking course we do. Unless you wanna walk there. Bit of a stroll. I know, I did it once.

Kendra: You're crazy Hammond. You're gonna get us all killed.

Not me. I'm armed and dangerous. I got a boot that could cave in a Tortoise shell.

Hammond: If you listen to me, I WILL get you out of here alive. Now what's wrong with the tram?

It's probably broken and the data board is kaput.

Kendra: The data board is fried but there should be a spare in the Maintenance Bay. There's also a broken tram blocking the tunnel that needs to be repaired.

CALLED IT! Everyone reading this owes me $300 Canadian.

Kendra: Dammit, everything is on the other side of this quarantine. We can't reach it from here.

Bet I can.

Hammond: No, we can't...but you can.

CALLED IT AGAIN!

Hammond: Isaac, if I can get to the Bridge, I should be able to access the personnel files. You fix the tram and I'll help you find Nicole.

End of video up-link.

No pressure, Boss.

Part Two here.

Prolouge- In Space, Nigtmares are Born

2012-11-27T13:19:00.004-08:00

WARNING: Long post. You have been warned. All dialogue straight from the game unless it is in italics. Enjoy.

In the future, Earth will be pillaged of all natural resources. Humanity has literally, put itself on the verge of destruction.

A new way of mining evolves. Planet cracking: The process of tearing a planet apart for resources. To do this, special ships are made. The most famous: The USG Ishimura.

The year is 2414. And a distress signal is launched from the Ishimura. Unknown what the problem is, a small group of people are sent to find out what's going on. Amongst them, is Isaac Clarke. An engineer for the Concordance Extraction Corporation.

What seems like an average repair job, will turn into a nightmare. They say "In space, no one can hear you scream." No truer words could be spoken for this game.

Now "Visceral Games."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

Photo from Google Images.

Let the nightmare begin...

A fuzzed screen loads in, reading off the personnel aboard the USG Kellion. Soon an image fades in of a woman. She sounds distressed as she records what appears to be a video entry.

And I totally forgot to put subtitles on.


"Isaac, it's me. I wish i could talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything."


"I wish I could just talk to someone. It's all falling apart here I can't believe what's happening!"


"Strange, such a little thing..."

The message abruptly ends as static engulfs the woman's face. One of the crew mates, Kendra Daniels, walks from the left, noticing Isaac finishing the video.

Kendra: How many times have you watched that thing?

Lost count after 199.

Kendra: Guess you really miss her. Don't worry we're almost there, you'll be able to look her up once we're on board. Sounds like you two have a lot of catching up to do.

This ship is gonna rock when me and the lady "catch up."

The ship exits hyper space and enters what appears to be a debris field. Zach Hammond starts:

Hammond: Alright everyone we're here. Synching our orbit now.

Kendra: All this trouble over a chunk of rock.

Hammond: Deep space mining is a lucrative business Ms. Daniels. Aegis Seven is a gold mine according to prospector reports. Cobalt, silicon, osmium...

Looks like Kendra got plenty of silicon in the chest and butt.

He continues as the USG Ishimura begins to become visible.

Hammond: Now where is she?...There she is. We have visual contact.

Kendra: So that's the Ishimura. Impressive.

Hammond (Quips): The USG Ishimura. Biggest planet cracker in her class.

YEAH KENDRA! GET IT RIGHT!

Hammond: And it looks like they already popped the cork.

Kendra notices something odd about the ship.

Kendra: Why is it all dark, I don't see any running lights...

Hammond: Corporal take us in close and hail them. And stay clear of that debris field. We're here to fix their ship, not the other way around.

Famous final words, bald boy.

Corporal: USG Ishimura- this is the emergency maintenance team of the USG Kellion responding to your distress call. Come in, Ishimura.

Kendra: You're going to need to boost the signal if their power is low.

Hammond: Yes we know. Boost the signal. More.

Kendra: Never heard of a total communications blackout on one of these things. You'd think with a thousand people on board someone would pick up the phone.

Their probably busy moaning over no friggn' hockey this year.

A signal finally comes in. But it sounds odd; As if someone is either chocking or the signal is distorted.

Corporal: What is that?

See? Told ya. Must be Ottawa Senator fans; The irritating moans give it away. Just like the fan base.

Kendra: It's a busted array like we thought. Sounds like they're having problems with their encoder.

Kendra continues.

Kendra: You get us down there and Isaac and I can fix it. Fourty-eight hours max.

Oh joy to the world.

Hammond: Alright you heard the lady. Take us in. let's see what needs fixing.

Corporal: Gravity tethers engaged. Automatic docking procedure is go.

Why do I get the feeling shit is gonna hit the fan?

The Kellion rattles and a small explosion to the right outside. Something has happened.

Hammond: What the hell?!

Called it!

Corporal: Sir! The autodock.

Hammond: What is it?

We're gonna fucking crash.

Corporal: We're off track! We're going to hit the hull!

Called it again!

Hammond: Hit the blast shields! Their guidance tether is damaged! Switch to manual! NOW!

Kendra: Inside the magnetic field? Are you insane?! Abort!

So on a scale of 1-to-"We're fucked": We're up in the "I-hope-you-have-a-will" territory, eh?

Hammond: NO! We can make it inside! Corporal, I gave you an order!

The corporal pulls down a lever to activate the blast shields. This also turns on the manual piloting of the Kellion. The magnetic fields appear to be too strong to steer the ship proper.

Corporal: Argh, the field's too strong!

Kendra, if you don't mind I'm gonna use your butt as an airbag just in case this chair can't hold me. You cool with that right? It's a big enough target.

This is gonna leave a mark.

Shortly after the crash, all the personnel wake up dazed, but alive.

I don't think there is enough Advil to kill this headache...

Kendra awakes and confronts Hammond on the dangerous order.

Kendra: What...? What the hell were you thinking?! Were you trying to get us killed?

Hammond (Rebuttals): I just saved our asses, Ms. Daniels!

Hammond: If we had aborted at that speed and distance, we would have smashed right into the side of the Ishimura! Now settle down, and let's get to work. Corporal, report!

Yeah, Kendra! Suck it!

Corporal: I'm not getting any readings from the port booster and we've lost comms and autopilot. It'll take some time to fix.

Hammond: All right, let's get some extra hands from flight deck to help out.

Yes, you go do that.

Kendra: Hold still, Isaac. I'm synching up everyone's RIG's with the ship.

Hammond and Isaac's back soon turns blue.

Kendra: Okay, we're done. Clean bill of health for everyone.

Famous final words for all of us, Kendra.

Hammond: All right. We've got a job to do. We're moving out.

The game finally begins.

Well holy crap! Long intro eh? Welcome ladies and germs to Dead Space. A survival-horror shooter that released in 2008. Fun fact: I have beaten this game 13 times, beaten it on the hardest difficulty, and have every single achievnment for the game.

Told ya.

Oh, and I am not doing this on Hard again.

HA! Nope! Never again!

NOW we can move.

Wanna see the most annoying thing about the game?

This thing.

First time playing: You'll want to pay attention. Thousand times through: You wish there was a "disable annoying green pop-up" feature. They fixed that in the second game.

Before we go anywhere, go left for a free treat.

Med kits: You'll be eating these things left and right.

The blue bar on your back is your health. The other half-circle will be explained later. As for weapons and ammo counter, and inventory, etc. etc.

So let's check out how bad the ship is shall we?

Kendra: You didn't lose the power to the port booster. You LOST the port booster! Unbelievable.

Does our insurance cover this?

Anyways while walking on the walkway there a large screen will talk about the Ishimura more in-depth. You can stand and listen if you wish. Unfortunately no subtitles came up for it.

Hammond: Guess the power's down everywhere. Isaac, get over here and hack this door pad.

Ah, yes: The door holograms.

See, every door either has a blue light that allows you to open it, or is red for locked. Usually they unlock much later. Good thing I can do this. Hammond and Kendra would be fucked without my door-prowess.

"Open?" Why yes!

There will be points where you will be yelling at the door to open fast. Such moment will happen soon.

Honey, I'm home!

Well thank you! Too bad the welcoming committee is pretty "nasty."

Soon as you enter it shows people were trying to book it off the ship. However, a flight board reads that "all flights cancelled." Hmmm........

Kendra: Seems like everyone was trying to pack in a hurry.

Hammond: There should be a security detail in here.

Kendra: Yeah, well there's not. there's nobody here. I can't pick up any broadcasts.

Are you gonna bitch this entire mission? Or should I weld your lips shut now?

Hammond: That security console is still live. Isaac, log in and see what you can find. Kendra, get that elevator back online.

Kendra: Power's dead. I can't.

Hammond: Then re-route the damn power!

So "Marriage Counseling" is out of the question?

Hammond: Look, if we all cooperate, we can figure this out a lot sooner. let's get that computerdisplay up, Isaac.

Since you asked so nicely.

Unlike some of us...

With a lot of survival-horror games you either get horribly lost or have no idea where to go. Usually the map they supply only helps a little. Thankfully, Isaac comes with a handy-dandy Objective-Waypoint-Never-get-Lost-Again marker! OWNLA for short.


I just went through that game.

Never get lost again.

So let's go into the Security room here and see how badly the Ishimura needs a repair job. Anything to get away from the happy couple in the corner.

Huh. Blood. Nah, nothing unusual.

Just ignore the large bloodstains everywhere within the room. Part of the decor.

Anyways upon reaching the panel we soon discover this friggn' ship is gonna need more than a fix to comms.

Alright, who fucked up this ship to no end?

Am I really going to have to fix this entire thing by myself? Short answer: YES.

Corporal: Huh. That doesn't look good. She's taken a lot of damage.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Hammond: The tram system's offline. Getting around is going to be difficult.

Nah, Hammond. I know this ship like the back of my ass. We'll be fine.

Hammond: The air seems to be flowing again. That's a start.

In other words: One less problem. 5,966 other problems to go.

Soon after the air flows, the doors go on auto-lock down. Yellow warning lights begin to flash as they are the only source of light for the room.

Kendra: What the hell was that?

Automatic quarantine, Kendra. Probably your PMS set it off.

Hammond: Automatic quarantine must have tripped when the filtration system restarted. Everybody relax...

Or it could be that. I still blame Kendra.

A noise is heard above in the vents.

Kendra: What was that? Did you hear that?!

Hammond: I'm not sure...

Shortly after a vent behind the corporal breaks open, startling the crew. A creature can be seen approaching the corporal.

Hammond: What the hell?

Kendra: I don't know! Something's in the room with us!

I'd say! Ya can't see that thing in front of ya's?

Without warning, the creature attacks and kills the corporal. Soon Hammond takes notice and open fires.

Hammond: Jesus! Open fire! Open fire!

Due to all the fireworks the camera was unable to capture the moment properly SO I will narrate like this for fun.

Another creature appears at the far end of the room, and kills the co-pilot. Hammond orders Kendra to open the doors to the elevator.

Hammond: Kendra! Power! Kendra...!

Yeah, hurry up! I don't wanna die like those two mooks!

The creature who killed the corporal ducks back into a ceiling vent, as if to get away from the fire, or to move closer to it's next victim. Kendra hurries to get power running.

Kendra: Come on...come on. Got it!

The door behind Isaac breaks open, allowing a path for escape.

Hammond: Isaac, get the hell out of there!

YA DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE!!!!

Kendra: The door's unlocked, run!

At this point, run like hell. If you stop, you will get mauled. No matter what just book it down the corridor to the elevator at the end.

Kendra: Run, Isaac! Get the hell out of there!

No I'm gonna stop and have a tea party with my pursuers.

Open! OPEN YA FRIGGN' ELEVATOR!!!!!

At this point whatever was behind you stops.

Oh, faithful elevator. You are my savior.

Son of a....

I stand corrected about this elevator.

Until they take me to creepy basements.

What lurks within the corridors of the Ishimura? What are these strange creatures? Where is the crew? What happened to the happy couple Kendra and Hammond?

We'll find out...next time.

Final Dark Souls: Send me out, Kingseeker Frampt.

2012-11-24T10:16:00.002-08:00

Long story short: I suck at showing off shit proper. I will come back to this one day.

When you defeat Blighttown and ring the Second Bell, head back to Firelink to meet someone special.

So who's waiting for us?

"Strange Creature?" NO REALLY!?

This is the next "person" main purpose is to send you on the quest to complete the game. From here on in, you are almost at the half way point. That doesn't mean it gets any easier. Oh hell no.

I took photos of what he said in full. So I will let my serpent friend do the rest of the talking. I also put what he said under the photo in case it's unreadable.

Sorry for the crooked pics. My tripod was being an asshole.

"Ahh, hello. Was it you who rang the Bell of Awakening?"

No that was Bob. I'm just his messenger.

"I am the primordial serpent, Kingseeker Frampt, close friend of the Great Lord Gwyn.

I would've never guessed.

"Chosen Undead, who has rung the Bell of Awakening,"

"I wish to elucidate your fate,"

"Do you seek such enlightenment?"

Sure why not.

"Very well. Then I am pleased to share."

Grab a seat folks, Grampa Frampt is gonna be awhile.

"Chosen Undead, Your fate...is to succeed the Great Lord Gwyn,"

"So that you may link the Fire, cast away the Dark, and undo the curse of the Undead."

So in other words; Link the bonfires, and me and my Undead homies can rest in peace? Where do I sign on the dotted line?

"To this end, you must visit Anor Londo, and acquire the Lordvessel."

There's always a friggn' catch.

Speak to me buddy, or I'll be using you for fish bait.

You have to re-talk to him to get more info out of him.


"Those who seek the Realm of Lords must brave Sen's Fortress, a deadly house of traps."

Really? Sounds like a brothel. Except everything in there tries to kill you.

"Many have gone before you, but none have returned."

Comforting.


"Fate has chosen you, but proceed with caution."

Easy for you to say.

"Farewell, Chosen Undead. I remain here, and await thee."

Your gonna be waiting a loooong time buddy.

And here ends this LP sadly. A link above will take you to the post why. Hope you enjoyed this adventure. Wave by Chantalle!

"Farewell from Chantalle and Frampt!"

Dark Souls Boss: Sif the Pissed Off Wolf

2012-11-24T09:20:00.001-08:00

Last post here.

This is an "Optional boss" for now. But you need the ring he drops to tackle a much more painful boss later.

For this fight I was able to FINALLY summon my BFF Conquer59.

Thanks to Conquer 59 for the help with the boss. We be rollin', Dark Souls be hatin'...

Left: Mr. Tank Conquer59

This boss isn't too difficult, but for noob players like myself, it can be a royal pain in the ass.

No turning back once through this door.

Huh. That's a big sword. And what's with the other friggn' swords?

Conquer, you go first. Act as bait for whatever wants to kill me.

At this point he tells me "You are on your own!" and runs in the opposite direction. I tell him I will put a lightning bolt where the sun don't shine and he'll be pissing bolts of pain for life, and he turns around again.

It's not peer pressure, that's constructive criticism.

This is a graveyard dedicated to Artorias the Abysswalker. All these swords are people who honor his death. Really sad scene personally.

Walk up to the giant sword to activate a cutscene.

Big sword. how the hell am I gonna carry this in my back pocket?

I'm sure nothing bad will happen if I touch it...

My boss senses are tingling...

Oh....Fuck. My. Life.

Nice Wolfie...Wanna treat? Or a bone?

Or grab the sword and howl at the moon. That works too.

This is Sif, the Great Grey Wolf. He is the faithful companion to the warrior Artorias the Abysswalker.

He's also a major pain in the ass. Conquer go tank his ass while I stagger around.


Best strategy against him: Get up close to him, and bash at his legs. He can't slap you while your "scratching his belly."

One of his most painful attacks is a double sweep. The first you can block but the second you lose stamina and half your health. Conquer can block both due to his shield. Lucky bastard.

Usually he follows up by jumping back. This is the perfect time to heal. However he will either jump-swipe you, or run-and-overhead-slice. Neither are fun to manage.

In this case he did the overhead-slice. That's it Conquer! You eat pain!

It should be mentioned that when you summon someone, be sure to heal them by taking a swig of Estus. It doesn't matter if you're almost dead, it will heal your summoned phantom.

At this point my Halberd was too friggn' slow, so I pulled out a Barbed Straight Sword for faster punches. Seemed to do better in hindsight.

If you remove the sword in that pic, it looks like Conquer is being eaten by Sif. LoL.

His main attack is to swipe you two or three times. All can be blocked but will hurt the stamina a bit. Conquer was behind me waiting to get healed. Yeah, my bad.

At a certain point of his health, (though it never happened here) Sif will start to limp and be unable to perform any big moves without staggering. He's still dangerous, but at this point you pretty much won.

When he finally dies, he drops his soul which you can use to create that weapon, and a ring you need to fight a boss later.

Personally this is a sad boss to fight. I like dogs. I had one, and Sif is just a big puppy defending his master's grave.

Once a boss has been defeated, whoever you summoned returns with half of the tally of souls for that boss (you keep the full amount) and humanity. So Conquer goes back to his world richer and more human than before. Your welcome.

Before you leave, go behind the tombstone for an item.


The "Hornet Ring" boosts back-stabs and parry damage done to enemies. And, if landed a successful parry, can change the animation your character does. A great ring if you master the skill and do PvP.

Time to pay respect to the great warrior and his companion.

May you rest in peace, Artorias and Sif.

Dark Souls Ep. 4: Nightmare Sewers

2012-11-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

Last post here.

Last time, we just entered The Depths. And got greeted by slimes, man eating women, and got invaded off camera.


And now ere greeted by a torch wielding zombie. Perfect.

As mentioned before The Depths are full of nasty rats and everything you imagine in a horror flick about the sewers.

I get a Dead Space vibe every time I go into this place. Where the fuck is Issac Clarke when ya need him?

Probably this guy ate him.

Say hi to Orange the Rat. He either had way too much steroids in his diet or ate too much shit while living down here. I dunno, all I know is he's big, and hits pretty hard. Having said that, we can cheese him out later.

Moving on, let's go try to find a sorcerer who can make the boss extremely difficult for this area. If only I could find him first...

This place is a Goddam maze.

You can get turned around here easily. So it's best to hold your shield up high and watch your corners. You don't know what's gonna ambush you. More importantly, watch the fucking floor for holes.


Don't drop down just yet. It's madness down there.

Near the beginning you pick up a Greataxe and a key to the sewers.

I can't use it; Not strong enough. Figures.

Key I believe unlocks the door to the bonfire upstairs. Hi Orange.

Past a fog gate down a ways you will find a nice patio to look over your future combat with the dragon boss.

Huh, somethings down a ways...

Well hello Mr. Sorcerer!

If you do not kill this guy, and you face the boss, he can shoot arrows at you AND buff the dragons strength and resistance to punishment.

In laments terms: Sorcerer makes the boss "Buff the Magic Dragon."

Won't be buffing anything now, will ya?

Well I can guess how you died buddy.

From here, you can catch a glimpse of the arena you'll be fighting in. And can better understand how much this sorcerer could see.

No, you cannot jump this wall and face the boss now. I tried.

Now that one problem is finished, lets go back and kill Orange the Rat. If I remembered to not fall down one of the holes in the floor.

You know your fucked when you land next to a tower of jelly and shit.

Proably the most scariest enemy so far to me is down in these tunnels. Say hi to the mutated frogs from Hell. Also known as Basilisk.


You are one ugly motherfucker...

Thanks to the Dark Souls Wiki for the extra titbits. I can go to bed tonight happy knowing their names proper.

These things cause a certain effect called "Curse." What this does, is when you die and respawn at the bonfire, your HP is halved. So that big red bar up there would almost gone. Also your Humanity counter will be replaced with a skull; You cannot revive to Human form or kindle a bonfire.

More laments terms: It fucking sucks being Cursed!

How to cure: you need a purging stone and use it on one self. This restores all stats. You buy these from crazy sewer lady or Oswald the dude in the Bell tower.

They also drop these friggn' things. Because one needs a reminder of them.

Actually the eyes are used for a covenant much later on.

Eventually we make our way to a round-about path which splits into three ways:

All roads lead to pain in this game.

Left is the way to GTFO. Forward leads to a jump for some souls, and right loops to iron bars. All three ways, have the frogs. So no avoiding their Bullshit Mist of Curse.

At a point where you almost reach a long tunnel, you get a scripted invasion by an NPC. This only happens if the boss hasn't died yet, and your in human form. So who's wise enough to go against Chantalle the Murderous Cleric, eh?

Motherfucker. Captain Kirk? captain fucking James T. Kirk? Shouldn't you be hamming some acting career somewhere else?

I thought I felt a disturbance in the force...

*Puts on William Shatner voice*

Captain's Log: James T. Kirk.
I, invaded, some poor sap's world. Turns out, she was, clad in heavy armor. And very, skilled.
Must, bring her in, for testing, of this thing called, "Force."
I tried, to slap her, with my "barbed sword." But she, wasn't having it!
She penetrated me, with her Halberd, and made me feel so, dirty.
This world, is so...dangerous. Star Wars, is so much.....Better.
Scotty, beam me up. I have to watch "Return of the Jedi."
I'll let, the dragon, finish her off.

End log.

Back to your shitty Enterprise with you!

Oooooo, free shit!

Don't worry. He'll be back. We can get his armor if we fight him two more times. And I'm sure we'll have more puns on how Star Wars is better than Star Trek.

By the way The Death Star called, our ships are better.

I will be waiting for hate messages in the comments.

Anyways from here we can go up a set of stairs and either kill the boss or head for the bonfire. At this point we need a shield for the next section.

Behind where man eating lady was, fall down this hole.

And onto a pile of skeletons.

And now we can snipe at Orange.

Or should I say...Cheese him out?

Danger, danger: High Voltage!

Now that he's dead, we can collect the Spider Shield.

This resists poison. There is a lot of poison things next stage.

Orange drops a ton of souls and one sprite of humanity for all that trouble of killing him.

Well he doesn't respawn so I guess it'll do.

From here, we can take a shortcut to the boss. Using a ramp adjacent to the entrance of the room. Whatever you do, only go and hug the left wall; the right will send ya down to the fucking frogs again.

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

NOW we can go after the boss. It's safe to note dragons are very weak against lightning attacks, spells, and upgraded weapons. So were gonna summon Sun Bro in so I can shoot lightning bolts all day.

Don't drop your soapstone around him...

So this boss is called The Gaping Dragon. Or, as some people call him, "The Vagina Dragon." I'm not sure why, so let's find out. Can't be that bad right?

WHAT KIND OF WOMEN ARE PEOPLE SEEING TO SAY THIS IS A VAGINA DRAGON?!?!

Right now if you said "He looks pretty big..." That's because he is. In fact, he almost takes up the tiny arena you fight in.

Here's the problem: During photos, it was impossible to get a good shot of him. Every second he was either flying up in the air to do a ground pound, tail swiping poor Solaire, or charging at me to eat me. He never does this. Usually he smacks the ground charges and repeats.

On the plus side he drops some good shit.

Double plus: I didn't die from him!

After he dies, we can pick up the "warrior" armor set, and basically a helmet we can use now.

Badass.

Closing up now, we'll head back to Firelink so we can meet the pyromancer we saved.

When you talk to him, he offers you to train in pyromancy. Say "No" when he saids if it's too cumbersome for you.

Barely made it out.


You need this to cast any pyromancy.

Now we can burn shit!

So this is the end to this post! Before I go it is time for you to decide my fate.

The next area has two points of entryways. The place: Blighttown. A hell-hole filled with things that poison you, beat you senseless, and outright annoying as sin.

These are the ways in:

This is the front door into Blighttown. Not recommended and extremely nasty.

Back door into Blighttown. Shorter, gets to the bonfire quicker, yet still no less dangerous.

A poll will go up letting you decide which way you want me to go. I will give it some days for results due to me trying out a different style of the pic-description. Then I will see which style you like better.

Poll will end ~~Tuesday 13th.~~ Wednesday 14th.

Until then, I hope you all enjoy the weekend! Take care everyone! Wave bye Chantalle.

"Add 'Dragon Killer' to my resume. Along with 'Ninja-destroyer.'"

Damn friggn straight.