There’s a new program called “No Place for Hate” designed by the
Anti-Defamation League. At its heart, it’s totally on the right track. As
are the Campaign for Non-Violence, the War on Terror, and the Fight
Against… fill in your own blank: cancer, illness, disease, obesity,
bullying, etc.

All of these programs want what we all want - a peaceful world where we
live healthy, productive, prosperous lives, and treat each other with
respect and compassion.

I WANT THAT, TOO!

However, what we just don’t get yet in our collective unconsciousness is
that we will never fully achieve those goals until we change our language.
You get what you focus on and put your energy towards. This is another
case of “don’t think about elephants.”

How can you NOT think about something if you’re using it in your language? How can you be NON or ANTI anything? It focuses all your energy on and creates a struggle against the very thing you don’t want, which by design is the very thing you end up creating more of!

Are you getting the irony here?

Our language MUST reflect what we want to move towards, NOT what we want
to get rid of.

So “No Place for Hate” becomes “The Right Place for Trust & Respect.”
The “Campaign for Non-Violence” becomes “The Campaign for Peace and
Compassion.” The “Fight Against Cancer” becomes “Creating Sustainable Health.”

The “War on Terror”… well, that’s just all bizarre in every way.

And it’s absolutely absurd to think we can “fight” for Peace!

I’m feeling a bit soap-box-ish this morning. And I’m okay with that. This
shift in our language is absolutely essential to creating the world we
want. And we have to begin NOW!!! Right now, this moment.

It’s not about choosing to make this shift in your language, then BOOM.
everything’s different and all hunky dory. It’s a moment-by-moment,
choice-by-choice process that helps you grow and evolve over time. It
takes patience and diligence to create new language patterns and habits.

As you make more and more of these shifts in your language, you’ll begin
to see different results showing up in your life. Be sure to pay attention
to those, too!

So get out there today and pay attention to the words you’re choosing. Are
you focusing on what you want to have and to be, or on what you want to
get rid of? Just begin noticing.

I remember later that day, at home watching it unfold on TV, tears streaming, fists clenched, willing time to go faster so I could meet my 12-year-old daughter at the bus stop. I remember the frantic need to hold onto her and never let her go - anywhere, ever.

I remember feeling the weight of the collective shock and grief of my hometown, and how I could feel it spread across Colorado, the nation, and around the planet.

There are a lot of memories I can recall, but just recollection is not the purpose of this post. The biggest memory is how desperate I was to find some sense of compassion for the two boys who forever changed our sense of safety and security in our schools.

I know this is extremely controversial and carries a gigantic emotional charge for many. I respect however you choose to feel about this event. Whatever this post brings up for you is valid because it is part of who you are. What I won’t do is debate or defend my desire to explore and understand compassion.

To me, choosing love and choosing compassion is choosing to see the spark of the Divine in EVERYONE. Choosing compassion neither condones nor condemns. Compassion is by no means justification for reprehensible or abhorrent behavior. Compassion is not a moral judgment. It’s not wound tightly together with good/bad and right/wrong labels.

To me, Compassion is the unconditional acknowledgment that we are all doing the best we can with the skills, tools and awareness we have in the moment. This definition allows for unlimited growth - our “best” can be better tomorrow because of what we learn from our choices today.

And Compassion can often be a very difficult state to achieve, especially within the context of an unfathomably traumatic event such as this.

So today, on the eve of the 10-year anniversary of the Columbine shootings, I Choose Love. I Choose Compassion. To all of us affected by the events of that day 10 years ago, including the global ripple effect it has had in countless ways, my wish is for Peace in our hearts and in our minds. My wish for us is to have a greater awareness of our fears, and a clear path in front of us toward greater Compassion.

There’s one toxic recipe, however, that’s been unconsciously handed down throughout all of our families, probably with very few exceptions. It’s left a legacy of strife, conflict, depression, anger and discord.

Mmmm, sounds yummy, doesn’t it? Want to know what this recipe makes?

It’s the recipe for drama.

I came up with this for a staff development program I do for companies and corporations. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, and usually gets lots of laughs. Unfortunately it’s the laughter that comes from seeing ourselves all too clearly - it hits pretty close to home.

But that’s okay because we need to take the time to take an honest look at what we want to change. And if we get a bit of a chuckle out of it, all the better!

Ready? Here it is:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laurie’s Not-So-Favorite Recipe for Drama

1. Combine old, de-constructive beliefs with 1 Large Assumption
2. Add a pinch of Taking it Personally
3. Rapidly add 4 or 5 accusations
4. Blend generous amounts of blame and negative thoughts and add to the mixture.
5. As Drama begins to heat up, respond to all counterattacks with more flammable words
6. Continue to add fuel by loudly defending your position
7. Toss vigorously – substantial amounts of anger will magically appear
8. No stove or oven needed – Drama generates heat all by itself.

CAUTION: Do NOT honor the other person’s viewpoint, ask any clear, honest questions, take any responsibility for your words and actions, or make any collaborative suggestions – this will diffuse the heat, the Drama will stop cooking, and the anger will dissipate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this your family’s favorite recipe, too, without even knowing it?

Does this recipe show up at company picnics and church potlucks?

Does this awareness help you stir up some Compassion instead?

Are you ready to bake up some Understanding topped with Empathy?

Want to create and consume something other than Drama?

Then get cookin’!

It seems as though this program continues to be evaluated for its effectiveness, and all the stories I’ve read on it say it comes up way short on accomplishing its desired outcome since its inception - high standards and accountability for the learning of all children.

I LOVE the idea of finding ways to assist all of our kids to learn and grow into healthy, socially resourceful adults. What makes me crazy is that it was doomed from the start BECAUSE OF ITS TITLE.

Try this experiment: DON’T think about elephants. No, really - DON’T THINK ABOUT ELEPHANTS! What’s happening? Are you thinking about elephants? And the more you try NOT to think about elephants, are they starting to stampede through your mind?

It’s a simple brain thing - the mind doesn’t register “don’t”, “can’t”, or “not”. It just registers what comes after it. Have you ever told a child: “Do not climb on the counter!”? Where’s the next place you found that child?

The subtle, unconscious problem with NCLB is that all the mind registers is “Child Left Behind Act.” It’s totally contradictory to what we actually want for our children.

So the obvious first step to turning our good intentions into real solutions is to change the name. What if it was called the EVERY CHILD INCLUDED ACT?

Think about the energy behind these opposing titles. What’s going on in your body when you think about “NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND?” For me, my body takes a fighting stance, fist waving in the air - quite the shadow energy of fear, defensiveness, ready to attack. This is NOT where solutions live.

Now pay attention to what’s going on in your body when you think about “EVERY CHILD INCLUDED.”

My body feels an expanding energy, a sense of community, and a belief that it’s actually possible to somehow include every child. I easily shift into possibility and solution thinking - how can we include every child?

We must be much more vigilant about how we are unconsciously sabotaging the very things we want in the world by choosing the thoughts and words that contradict what we want.

This is the way you can CHOOSE LOVE TODAY - pay attention and choose your words CAREFULLY.

From an Ohio State University press release (August 2998):
“We’re finding that hope is consistently associated with fewer symptoms of depression [in older adults],” says Jennifer Cheavens, assistant professor of psychology at the university. The reserachers characterized hope as “having a pathway to get what you want, and the motivation and strength to follow that path.”

From a University of California at Los Angeles press release (July 2008):
An 8-week program teaching mindfulness meditation to HIV/AIDS patients was initially found to stop the decline in CD4 T cells, the cells that are attacked by HIV. They defined mindfulness meditation as “the practice of bringing an open and receptive awareness to the present moment, instead of thinking about the past or worrying about the future.”

From Science News (October 2008):
“Our data suggests that religious belief alters the brain in a way that changes how a person responds to pain,” says Oxford neuroscientist Irene Tracey. Devout Catholics in a study reported feeling peaceful and secure, as well as thinking about compassion and other religious concepts, while viewing a picture of the Virgin Mary. They related that image as especially helpful in coping with pain.

I see that these three research projects have at least one thing in common. Hope, mindfulness, and religious and spiritual practices are all a choice, and the choice is to focus on Love and compassion rather than on fear, worry, or pain.

These studies offer more evidence to the rapidly growing body of research that supports what we already know somewhere in our collective consciousness: choosing fear is de-constructive to our health, and Choosing Love is good for us.

There was a two and a half page insert in this morning’s Denver Post advertising romantic getaways in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

It showed the typical pictures of couples engaged in a variety of couple-type activities: couple’s hot stone massage, breakfast, visiting a museum, purchasing jewelry.

What was noticeably - and delightfully - different was that the picture of the couple laughing at breakfast was of two men, and the picture of the couple visiting a museum was two women holding hands.

So BIG KUDOS to http://www.SantaFe.org for breaking through some big media stereotypes - it’s refreshing to see. Hopefully next we’ll see blended race families in ads promoting a theme park or a cruise.

And after that? Not noticing at all because it’s no longer a novelty.

Look at our global economic situation (it’s not been just America as a separate economic structure for a long time). Our fear around money is prompting some major deconstruction right now - we’re all feeling the impact on multiple levels.

We’re also witnessing the descent of individuals that we’ve judged as corrupt, and we readily acknowledge that corruption is built on greed. And greed, at its core, is based on fear - fear of not having enough money, prestige, influence, acknowledgment, etc.

What about relationships? When two people in any kind of a relationship are thinking, speaking and acting from fear - fear of not feeling safe, connected or valued - that relationship is destined for deconstruction. If it hangs in there for a while, it takes its toll on both parties - emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

On the other hand, Love is constructive. It builds and expands whatever is infused with it, and there’s no limit to the expansion.

(Remember that I might be talking about Love differently than you’re thinking right now. See the blog post http://todayichooselove.com/if-it-hurts-its-not-love)

Relationships that are based more solidly on Love than on fear are “evolutionary”: they’re safe places for people to grow and evolve more naturally and gracefully.

Money systems and companies that are based on service, community and, yes, LOVE, are not only sustainable, I believe they can experience unlimited growth, expansion, and more graceful evolution.

As we continue to deconstruct what’s been founded on fear, our best shot at making it through this turbulent time is to remember to choose Love as frequently as possible - in our thoughts, in our words and in our actions. Oversimplified? I don’t think so.

I understand that this is not such an easy task when there are so many Chicken Little’s flitting around, but I know it’s doable. Surround yourself with people who are seeing solutions, hope, and possibilities in our future, and it will be easier to reconstruct a sustainable collective mentality of choosing love - TODAY!

“Find a party … to ring out the bad news of 2008″

That headline struck me as odd. It seems to imply that if we can survive until midnight on December 31^st, then we can say, “Whew, I’m glad that year’s over!”

Why is it that we think we can only start fresh on the first day of January every year? It seems that we’re missing out on a gazillion more opportunities to begin anew.

We actually get to start over every month, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. This is what it means to me to BE in the present moment. To know, and to really understand, that every thought I think, every word I speak and every action and response I choose is a chance to start fresh.

I think there’s a danger in placing such high expectations on the “new year” to fix everything that happened over the last 365 days. The higher the expectations, the farther the potential fall into disillusionment, anger, and frustration.

What if we “rang in” every day with anticipation and celebration? What if we intentionally and deliberately sought out the lessons from yesterday and applied that new wisdom to our choices today? What if we chose to bless the past rather than try to run away from it?

What if we created the intention to “ring in” every moment as a chance to begin anew?

I think I’ll give it a try, starting…….. NOW!

Gift-buying, gift-wrapping, cookie-baking, latke-frying, tree-trimming, candle-lighting, turkey-stuffing, eggnog-swilling…. It’s a good time of year!

At this time of traditional gift-giving, I want to add one more gift to your list. It’s one you can give to everyone on your list, and one size really does fit all! (In clothing, that’s a bit of a crock, but for this gift, it actually applies!)

It’s a gift you can give your children, your partner or spouse, your parents, your pets, your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, your boss, your employees… EVERYONE in your life.

It’s the gift of Compassion.

Here’s what’s included in the gift of Compassion:

• Treat everyone’s feelings as valid;
• Honor that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools, skills and knowledge we have in this moment;
• Have some faith that our “best” can be better tomorrow;
• Understand that their weirdness or dysfunction comes from the same fears that you have, too - fear of not feeling safe, connected or valued.

You don’t actually have to say anything out loud or even be in the same city as the person, although a sincere “thank you for being in my life” is a beautiful thing.

All you have to do is hold the person in your mind and imagine a beautiful white light streaming out of your heart and into theirs. And remember to smile when you’re doing that.

The gift of Compassion is especially marvelous when it’s given to a person with whom you have the most difficulty offering it to. Can’t quite get to compassion with him/her? Then aim for neutral.

Take a deep breath and release the negative, victim-based snarky thoughts. Imagine hosing down your heart, washing all of those thoughts away. Then smile and notice how much lighter you feel.

Compassion is the real gift that keeps on giving. So wrap it up, and start handing it out!

She’s a soprano in the Westminster Chamber Singers, and I flew out to attend both the Friday and Saturday evening performances of their holiday concert. The concerts were wonderful, the weather was really fabulous for this time of year, and it’s always great to get away.

The best part of it, though, was the time I spent one-on-one with Amie. At 21 years old, the time I actually have with her keeps dwindling as she continues to carve out her own life. Heck, the time we spend in the same zip code is already pretty scarce.

Out of the whole weekend, we had about four hours together, just she and I. Saturday morning we spent two hours talking about school, life, and (of course!) boys at a Starbuck’s, and we hung out for another couple of hours Saturday afternoon at another coffee house, where we both worked on our laptops and didn’t talk.

The rest of the time I was with her, I was glad to step back and share her with her roommates and friends, her dad and stepmom, who also flew out from Denver for the weekend, and the other hundred or so people who attended the concerts each night.

Even when I was on my own in my hotel room or taking a walk, I found comfort in knowing that we were at least in the same city and state – not only just a phone call away (Thank God for Verizon family share plan!), but also just a four minute drive from the hotel to campus.

Somewhere along the way, it’s happened. I’ve turned into “Desperate Mom” – I’ll take whatever connection I can find!

And to me, this is Choosing Love Today. I can miss her. I can be happy for the life she’s creating for herself as an adult. I can be grateful for the time we have together. I can step back and observe her in her life. I can focus on my own life quite well when we don’t talk for a while. I can feel selfish sometimes and want more time with her. I can honor the path she’s chosen in her life.

And I can experience all of these feelings concurrently. They can gracefully co-exist, swirling and intermingling all together, all at once.

As I wrote in the acknowledgments in my book:

Of all the job titles and descriptions I’ve had throughout this lifetime, my favorite one always has been and always will be “Amie’s Mom.”

Am I a “Desperate Mom?” You bet!

And I can live with that.