Self Centeredness......by definition

Blue Angels to Madison Rising version of The Star Spangled Banner

2015-07-08T23:42:00.001-04:00

America the Beautiful (Remastered)

2015-06-23T23:24:00.001-04:00

Why do we so often struggle with saying 'no'?

2014-07-23T18:32:00.000-04:00

Why do we so often struggle with saying 'no'?

I think most of us would understand that it's not because we don't like to say 'no', as much as it is about something we believe about ourselves.

Before recovery I was a person who really struggled with this and I understand why. As a child I just longed for my mother's love and approval. I tried so hard. I worked hard at at school and did really well but it never seemed to be enough. I remember coming home once, so proud, to tell her I had got 99% on an exam and all she said was 'What about that other 1%, what happened, what mistake did you make'. I felt so deflated. So disappointed. Instead of noticing the twenty things I would get right she seemed only ever to notice the one thing I got wrong. I grew up feeling like I had to strive and strive and maybe if I could just work hard enough she would love me.

That longing influenced every thing I did. I worked so hard at school and I ran and I would come home with top marks or blue ribbons or certificates and think that she would be happy with me but it rarely seemed to be enough.

I learned as a child that our worth and value is totally linked to what we do but if we work hard enough maybe we would matter.

At home I was always the one who volunteered for things - I would peel the potatoes, make the coffee, run to the shops, always saying 'yes' to anything I was asked to do. I thought I was the reliable, valued daughter. But I learned from my sister recently that it was never enough either! She told me that she was always told how I would do a bad job of everything I was asked to do just so I would not be asked again! How tragic that I tried so hard to please but was remembered as lazy and unwilling! Nothing could more clearly show me how my worth would never be established like that!

What I learned in recovery is that our worth can never be tied to what we do. We matter because we exist not because of what we can do for others. I didn't realise that until then - I was so focused on the idea that my worth was about what I did, I didn't realise it was really about who I am!

This is the heart of the boundary issue isn't it? We say yes with every expectation that we will be these awesome people who are willing and dependable and lovely but the cost to ourselves is huge - we may not achieve what we want and in the end we are just doormats whose own needs are often left unmet!

I learned that to say no' to others is also a moment to say 'yes' to myself. That when I over-function trying to gain approval I am really letting myself down! Every time!

So saying 'no' is about more than words. It's about where we get our sense of worth and value from and part of recovery is going to be about figuring that all out.

So today - lets all notice when we say 'no' but really mean 'yes' and why we are doing that, what need we are meeting for others instead of ourselves. And lets decide that today is the day we will say 'yes' to ourselves instead of everyone else!

CODEPENDENCY

2014-07-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

“You complete me.” You know that line, right … from Jerry McGuire? It comes right before “You had me at hello” (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me a tad because we relationship-analyzers (some with the right initials after their names and some self-declared experts who can type) like to classify that type of dialogue with a term known as “codependency.”

Ideally, you shouldn’t need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right? My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling the way I do when I see a Tom Cruise movie: bad.

A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the “toxic” category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships qualify. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him is toxic. But if you follow these 10 steps, you can start to complete yourself, maybe even look into the mirror and say, “You had me at hello.”

1. Step out of denial.

Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters: Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with X? Do I WANT to spend time with X or do I feel like I have to? Do I feel sorry for X? Do I go to X looking for a response that I never get? Do I come away consistently disappointed by X’s comments and behavior? Am I giving way more to the relationship than X? Do I even like X? I mean, if X were on a cruise and I didn’t know her, would I walk up to her and want to be her friend/boyfriend based on her actions and interactions with others? Go check out this questionnaire if you are still confused.

2. Keep a log of emotions.

One of my depression busters is to keep a record of things that make me feel bad. Consistently bad. I am not a fast learner. School was hard for me. So I have to perform the same mistake, oh, about 35 times before my brain gets the message that perhaps I am doing something wrong. The journalist in me then takes the case and begins gathering the facts. So if, after 35 tries, I suspect that having coffee with X makes me feel worse, not better, I will log my feelings immediately following our meeting. If I get two or more of “I feel like crap, like I am a weak and pathetic person,” then I know that I’m enmeshed in a toxic relationship that I should consider tossing out.

3. Identify the perks.

As I wrote in “10 Steps to End an Affair,” all relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy again? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn’t treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?

4. Fill the hole.

Now that you’ve identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it’s time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness. The other day, when I was attempting this very task, my friend Priscilla Warner listed not 5 or 10, but 18 ways she nourishes her soul, or center, attempts to complete herself so that she doesn’t have to rely on others for that job. Among her 18: writing and making jewelry, retail therapy (like picking out the juiciest orange she can find), meditation CDs, hugging her dog Mickey, listening to sad songs–to release the tears, calling up friends, and reminding herself that her sadness won’t stay forever.

5. Surround yourself with POSITIVE friends.

Lots of support and friends isn’t going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends–i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who aren’t enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

6. Drop a note to yourself.

I got this idea from Howard Halpern’s How to Break Your Addiction to a Person. One of his patients wrote memos to herself to cover those fragile moments when she knew she’d need reinforcement. She would compose a note, drop it in the mail, and then be pleasantly surprised to find a letter from her self saying something like: “Hey, self! I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you really should make some plans for the weekend before it’s here because I know you get down when you are sitting around the house alone. Call Carolyn. She’d love to hear from you.”

7. Bribe yourself.

I know there are parenting experts that don’t approve of this technique, but I say nothing is more effective than bribing to get to a goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour by the bay alone (no computer, phone, or iPod). If you have been able to utter that delicious word “no” a few times in a row, go celebrate by downloading a CD of your favorite musical artist from iTunes or splurging on the dark chocolate hiding in the freezer.

8. Heal the shame.

For me, breaking free of toxic relationships has led to a lot of inner-child work. You know, when I sit the wounded little girl on my lap and let her tell her story. Because I’m a visual person, I facilitate this process with a pretty doll that Eric almost gave to Goodwill (like she needed any more trauma!). I ask her why she is scared and lonely and wanting the wrong kind of attention. “Because that’s all I know,” is usually her response, at which point I play with her hair and reassure her that relationships are supposed to make her feel better, not worse, and that the right kind of love is out there–in fact, she has already found it in so many of her relationships.

9. Repeat affirmations.

The other day I used the bathroom at a friend’s home and on the bathroom door were posted all kinds of affirmations like: “My Life is full of loveliness, passion, tenderness, surrender and flowing with DIVINE LOVE”; “My Life is full of play and humor and overflowing with RADIANT HEALTH”; “My Life is COURAGEOUS and FREE”; and “My Life is FULL OF MIRACLES.” I came out of the bathroom and said, “Wow, I feel much better.”

In her book, Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl writes, “Once the negative core beliefs have been exposed and challenged as false, you need to adopt positive, life-affirming beliefs. ‘I am unlovable’ becomes ‘I can love and be loved, I am a sacred child of the Universe.’ Feelings of hopelessness are counteracted by the new belief ‘I have the power to change my life.’ ‘I am defective’ slowly changes to ‘I get to make mistakes and be loved.’

My affirmations these days are “I have a good heart” and “I mean well,” especially when I get guilt trips about not giving more to a relationship.

10. Allow some rest.

In Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction, Kelly McDaniel advises persons who have just broken off a toxic relationship to lay low, and avoid packing their day with too many activities. She writes:

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

2012-02-21T10:58:00.000-05:00

"Selfishness, self-centeredness; that, we think, is the root of our troubles," wrote AA co-founder Bill Wilson in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," otherwise known as the "Big Book." There are many factors in addiction, but at the core of this disease of unhealthy dependence is the self-centeredness described by Wilson.

This self-centeredness can be found in the words "unhealthy dependence" in the following definition: "Addiction is unhealthy dependence on behaviors that impair our ability to function to full potential."

In the next definition the self-centeredness lies in our way of "adapting." Here's the definition: "Addiction is a disease in which any technique for adapting to life is used other than healthy interpersonal relating."

Other self-centered factors at the heart of addiction are very relevant too, especially the Five Cs:

Craving

Compulsion

loss of Control despite efforts to control

and

Continuing the behavior despite life-damaging Consequences.

In the society we live in, this addictive self-centeredness is pervasive. You see it everyday. What lengths humans go to to satisfy their own wants never taking into account others needs. Here are some examples: Road rage, our overloaded court system, debt to the max. What do these examples have to do with addiction? Perhaps these people were on large doses of caffeine or some other substance that sent their impatience level zooming upward, but addiction is not limited to substances. It appears in all unhealthy behaviors that damage the relationship to self and others, and we see evidence of it everywhere we go.

However, we're all part of the problem at one time or another. "I have found the enemy, and the enemy is us,". Who among us doesn't offend people by our behavior? Other drivers? Other shoppers? Our neighbors? But some addicts are sicker than others, and certainly they are more offensive. They leave a trail of frustration behind them as they pursue their addictions to such cravings as the thrill of speed, the intoxication of power, the anesthetic of noise, and the self-indulgent pursuit of pleasure and satisfaction.

So what's going on? Is this an epidemic of sorts, this seeming lack of concern for others?

The self-centered lifestyle is poisonous to our society and will destroy an addict. "Selfishness, self-centeredness; that, we think, is the root of our troubles." Bill Wilson's idea applies to all aspects of life, and needs our ongoing thought and our attention. Although we may not be able to change society as a whole, we most certainly begin with ourselves.

NOTHING

CHANGES

NOTHING

CHANGES

2012-01-27T13:04:00.000-05:00

“You complete me.” You know that line, right? It comes right before "I NEED you" (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me and experts like to classify that type of dialogue with a term known as “codependency.”

Ideeed, you do NOT need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right?

My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling worse and worse as time goes on.

A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the “toxic” category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships, almost any kind of relationship actually. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him or her is toxic. But if you follow these steps, you can start to complete yourself, maybe even look into the mirror and say, “You had me at hello.”

1. Step out of denial.

Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters:

Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with him/her? Do I WANT to spend time with him/her or do I feel like I have to?

Do I feel sorry for him/her?

Do I go to him/her looking for a response that I never get?

Do I come away consistently disappointed by him or her's comments and behavior?

Am I giving way more to the relationship than him or her?

Do I even like him or her? I mean, if he or she was on a cruise and I didn’t know him or her, would I walk up and want to be their friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend etc., based on his or her actions and interactions with others?

2. Identify the perks.

All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship.

Does he or she make you feel attractive and sexy again?

Does helping him or her with kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than his or hers?

Even though he/she doesn’t treat you well, does he or she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?

Are you so codependent and live in such fear of your own life that it requires he or she to do every day tasks for you?

3. Surround yourself with POSITIVE friends.

Lots of support and friends is never going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends, i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who are not enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

4. Bribe yourself.

I know there are parenting experts that don’t approve of this technique, but I say nothing is more effective than a bribe to boost someone to their goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour alone somewhere that you love (no computer, phone, or iPod). If you have been able to utter that delicious word “no” a few times in a row, go celebrate by downloading a CD of your favorite musical artist from iTunes or splurging on the chocolate hiding in the freezer.

5. Heal the shame.

Breaking free of toxic relationships has led to a lot of inner-child work and deep issues. Why are you so scared and lonely and wanting the wrong kind of attention. “Because that’s all I know,” may be a response. Never lower your price tag for anybody. You are worth much much more than that.

6. Repeat affirmations.

In a toxic relationship your affirmations may be “I have a good heart” and “I mean or meant well,” especially when you get guilt trips about not giving more to a relationship. But these are not affirmations. Do you have to remind yourself you have a good heart when you already know that you do? Or are you doubting yourself? Or possibly trying to convince someone else that you do? None of this is necessary.

7. Allow some rest.

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

8. Fill the hole.

Now that you may have identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it’s time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness.

Think about what you love about life and do it. Not allowing toxins in your life of recovery is VITAL.

2012-01-21T16:43:00.000-05:00

Guilt

A critical barrier to recovery is guilt. Guilt acts as a strap in a harness that keeps the addict trapped in his/her addiction.

The addict feels guilty because he/she has committed dishonest deeds against the people he/she cares about and the people closest. This is an integral part of the life cycle of addiction.

A person who becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol doesn’t just wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I’ll start using drugs until I destroy my family, my relationships and my life in general."

Addiction almost always starts with a problem. Drugs or alcohol are chosen as a solution to relieve the discomfort one is experiencing by not being able to solve the problem. Physical and mental complications then follow. It all adds up to a serious decline in the person’s quality of life.

To be successful, a recovery program must help an addict face his or her transgressions and enable him/her to clean up the wreckage of his or her current life that has resulted from the addiction and dishonesty.

Before addiction, most addicts are basically good people with a sense of right and wrong and with no intention or desire to hurt others. As the cycle of addiction progresses and the cravings and other mechanics of addiction begin to dissolve the individual’s self-control, they get into situations where they are doing and saying things they know deep down aren’t true or right. All these dishonest or damaging things are done to cover up and continue their drug use.

If the pattern of abuse continues, the addict eventually becomes trapped in a vicious cycle of using drugs, hiding the fact, lying about drug use and even stealing to support more drug use. At each turn, the addict is committing more dishonest acts and, with each act, is creating more damage in his life and relationships. None of these acts are truly overlooked by the addict; every misdeed is committed to memory.

The memory of each misdeed includes all the surrounding circumstances in place the moment the deed was done: who was involved, the time, the place and what the end result of the dishonest deed was. The addict knows these misdeeds are wrong and because the basic person himself (not the addicted personality) is good, he will feel bad or guilty after the dishonest act is committed.

Over time, these memories of guilt accumulate. When the addict sees people or places involved in his transgressions, these sights can trigger the guilt surrounding the misdeeds.

More and more transgressions are committed. And more and more, people and things related to the transgressions become triggers that remind the addict of the dishonest acts. For example, perhaps a young man steals cash from his father’s wallet and uses the money for drugs. Thereafter, whenever he sees his father, it triggers the memory of that stolen money. It can be enough just to see a person or an object to trigger the guilt! Sometimes no words even need to be said.

Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling and so can prompt the addict to use more drugs to temporarily relieve this unwanted sensation. In this way, guilt helps maintain the trap of addiction.

The addict will also begin to withdraw more and more from friends and family as the transgressions committed by the addict increase in number. He will eventually pull away from the family, seclude himself, even become antagonistic towards those he loves. Remember, the basic personality of an addict is good and the reason they end up withdrawing from those they love is because they know they are doing the wrong things. The act of withdrawing from those places and people that the addict has harmed is the addict’s attempt to restrain himself from committing any further transgressions toward those people and places he cares about.

Many forms of substance abuse counseling endeavor to create positive moral change in an addict. One of the most popular approaches is the Twelve Step program practiced by Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, etc. In this approach, steps four, five, eight and nine of the twelve steps involve making a life inventory of one’s wrong deeds and determining who was affected by them. Once these are identified, the addict then makes up the damage created by his destructive actions.

This recovery approach can be effective for some so long as the addict still has the social skills to be able to communicate with and interact in a group setting. He or she must also have high enough levels of confront and responsibility to admit wrongdoings and make up the damage done. If an addiction persists long enough, an addict will lose even these basic social skills.

When drug addiction begins in the teens, individuals do not have the opportunity to develop these life skills. As a result, they do not perform as well in a Twelve Step program or other traditional treatment settings. In these cases, the addict needs to be educated or re-educated in these basic life skills before there can be any real hope of success in raising moral standards and bringing about permanent sobriety.

When conventional approaches are not working with a drug-addicted person, there are effective alternatives to pursue before one gives up. What has not proven effective is substitute drug treatment. Methadone, antidepressants or other prescription medications are designed to mask the symptoms of addiction that we have described. Essentially, an addict is trading one addiction for another.

These medications prevent the addict from developing the life skills necessary to restore his moral values and quality of life. Nor do they assist the individual in acquiring the necessary tools to remain sober. Thus relapse becomes inevitable.

So if guilt is just a message sent by our minds then why does it bother us that much?

The are two reasons guilt bothers us, The first is that some people focus on the emotion itself and ignore the fact that it’s a message. When a person feels down he/she may focus on doing anything that cheers him/her up instead of trying to understand the real reason behind this emotion.

Had that person tried to find out why he/she is feeling down and out he/she may have ended up with a solution to the problem or at a least a feeling of relief.

The second one is taking responsibility when others suffer!! Guilt can make you a responsible person but if you take the responsibility of the suffering of others regardless of whether you are guilty or not then you will certainly experience tremendous amounts of guilt. The moment you feel guilty about the suffering of others you have to ask yourself a question, am i responsible for their suffering?

Believing that you could have done better might be the reason behind your guilt, however; you have to put in mind is that you cant always control bad events because you won't always have the necessary resources to deal with every situation you encounter.

For example, if you couldn’t save a friend from getting beaten up because of your lack of courage at that time then you shouldn't feel guilty. Because you lacked that resource (courage) at that time you actually did your best!

You must never feel guilty about something that happened because in fact each moment you are doing your best based on the resources you have. These resources can be anything, knowledge, ideas, courage, money,...etc

This brings us to another way of overcoming guilt, when you feel responsible for the suffering of others just look for a way to increase your resources in order to help them and if you can’t find any way then don’t blame yourself because with your current resources you can’t do any better

2012-01-13T21:02:00.000-05:00

Many people have wondered the differences of confidence vs. arrogance. The discussion of confidence vs arrogance brings to light many similarities and differences between the two characteristics.

Confidence vs arrogance also focuses the attention on the way each of these characteristics affects the behavior of a given individual. Below is a list of differences and similarities between these two characteristics.

Arrogant people are often solemn, self-righteous, and seem to be self-involved to the exclusion of others. They are haughty, demanding respect from others, and yet offering it to only a very few. There’s a “closed system” feel about them. When they condescend and when they pontificate, they have no idea how repellent they are, because they are not attuned to the effect they have on others.

When I think about the aura that surrounds confident people — the ones who seem free of arrogance — it’s always fairly good humored, and there’s a lively curiousity about the world, an authentic interest in others. The confident person is good at something, knows it, and is able to rely on those skills and abilities in a relaxed manner. The confident attitude is an attractive one, easy to be around; the confident person seems dependable and admirable.

Some arrogant people can be very good at what they do. No question. So, when we accuse someone of arrogance, I think we mean: “You may be an expert but your tone is offensive. You don’t see me; you don’t acknowledge me; you don’t value me.” And when we admire someone’s confidence, I think we are saying, “I appreciate your abilities because you can be a virtuoso without making me feel insignificant.”

You can decide for yourself when it comes to confidence vs arrogance which characteristics fit you best accordingly.

1. Confidence vs arrogance both involve believing in one’s abilities.

A person who is confident understands they have certain areas of strength. A person who is arrogant also believes that have certain areas of strength.

A person with confidence will also understand others maybe stronger, and that each person is a complete package of strengths and weaknesses so will remain humble in both. An arrogant person will often neglect to acknowledge weakness in light of playing up the strengths.

2. Confidence vs arrogance often stem from two different roots.

Arrogance is often underplayed by insecurity. An arrogant person tends to be arrogant to compensate for areas of weakness that distress the individual.

An arrogant person may seem to ignore any areas of weakness and only play up areas of strength, but they often do so because of an inability to come to terms with weakness. A confident person finds the root of their confidence in self acceptance - a key confidence vs arrogance difference.

A confident person accepts their weaknesses or faults, even though they may not like them. This acceptance enables the confident person to handle faults with grace and without further compacting the areas of weakness with arrogance. These are key points when understanding confidence vs arrogance.

3. The effects of confidence vs arrogance on relationships clearly mark the difference between the two characteristics. An arrogant person tends to brag and can put others down in an attempt to be the best or come out the coolest.

A confident person is above such antics. They recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and allow that other people will have strengths and weaknesses. A confident person need not make life a competition, so a confident person is often much easier to be around.

An arrogant person can be cocky and difficult to reason with, making conversation difficult and bothersome.

4. The physical manifestations of confidence vs arrogance also help distinguish them.

Arrogance is often associated with a swaggering walk and a posture that is overly commanding and dominating. Body language of an arrogant person differs from that of a confident person.

A confident person can adopt an open and easy posture that allows others to approach them. An arrogant person is often more aggressive and harder to approach.

Confidence vs arrogance involves truly two different characteristics, sharing only a perceived appreciation for a particular strength. Arrogance, sadly, often accompanies a lack of confidence so that the arrogant person still hurts underneath.

The question of confidence vs arrogance is not a difficult one, and most people would rather be on the confident side of the fence.

2012-01-01T17:12:00.000-05:00

It’s pretty human to use significant days as turning points in your life – and that is all well and good for some people. For others, however, using these days for a supposed total change in lifestyle can be problematic. I think this can be particularly true for people in recovery. Why? Because many of us have absurd expectations. Combine that with an all-or-nothing kind of personality, and you have a recipe for repeated failure.

Of course there is anything wrong with creating a goal that you start to work on at a certain date, but frankly; I think the best day to pick is today and only today. Today I will ___________________.

This helps to avoid the deal making and the post-poning. If you decide in early December that you are going to start a new diet on New Year’s Day, that means I’ll eat ridiculously badly until that day. Why not say, I’m going to eat healthy today? That doesn’t mean I’ll be perfect every day until New Year’s Day – but it sure means I likely won’t be as cavalier until the phony deadline.

The problem with creating resolutions based on a specific day, be it New Year’s or a birthday or anniversary, is that it takes you out of the immediacy of the day, and as people in recovery it is so important to count today first and remember everything else comes later.

This just means that if there’s something you want to do or change about your life, why not start today – maybe just a little step like adding five minutes to my walk or not skipping breakfast.

Rather than look to make a long (usually intimidating) list for New Year’s, what can you do today to move toward the goals you want to achieve?

Here are some tips regarding resolutions:

First and foremost, it’s important to remember that change happens in stages. You don’t just decide one day to stop and that’s that—especially when you’re addicted to substances. To effectively move your plan into action, you have to be mentally prepared to commit yourself to the stages of the process and figure out how you’re going to accomplish your plan step by step. It’s also important to understand that relapse is common. Don’t just give up after the first slip because you’ll never change with that kind of attitude. Instead, use relapse as a learning experience and start fresh again with your plan. But if relapsing becomes a problem and you can’t control yourself, there’s no shame in getting help. Recovering from addiction on your own is very rare, so going into a detoxification, rehabilitation, or therapy program is highly suggested—especially given the health risks of quitting a substance cold turkey.

Finally, it’s important to reward yourself and keep your eye on the prize. Attach some kind of reward for each week or month that you’re sober or substance free like going to the movies or out to a nice dinner. A reward system can help inspire you to stay relapse free and stick to your plan for recovery.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

AND GOOD LUCK..

......

STAY SOBER AND RECOVERED.

Accept Compliments.....YOU ARE WORTH IT!

2011-12-28T12:03:00.001-05:00

Congratulations! You've earned somebody's respect and admiration.

What do you say to that?

If you're flustered by praise, it's time to learn how to take a compliment

at face value and appreciate the best of it.

After all, you are so worth it, right?

Have you ever been so flustered from an unexpected compliment that you practically insulted the complimenter and felt like a fool afterward? Accepting compliments gracefully is not a talent with which many of us are blessed. However, with forethought and practice, we can learn to give and receive compliments graciously.

Many people are uncomfortable accepting compliments and in their discomfort, make both parties feel awkward and uncomfortable. Perhaps this is done because the complimentee feels unworthy of praise. Perhaps it is because of wariness in feeling prideful. Possibly it is because the complimentee doubts the sincerity of the complimenter. Whatever the reason for fumbling when complimented, a simple "Thank You" lets both off the hook.

The simplest way to accept a compliment is to say "Thank you." For people not comfortable with accepting compliments, this would be the easiest habit to practice. For someone easily flustered by personal attention, it is also the shortest answer and could become an automatic answer with some practice.

Refusing to accept a compliment suggests that the complimenter had poor judgment, that they aren't perceptive, are mistaken, or are giving phony praise. The compliment offerer says, "My what a beautiful suit. It looks lovely on you." Your response, "This ratty old thing? I throw it on when I'm not going anywhere special." That type of response destroys the good feelings the complimenter was attempting to engender. The person extending the compliment offered an opinion and your response indicated that their opinion was wrong. This person will now be less likely to compliment you again.

Accepting a compliment with a simple "Thank you" is polite and by embellishing then returning something, both feel better. "My what a beautiful outfit. It looks lovely on you." "Thank you! This is my favorite shade of blue and I think it brings out the color of my eyes." Using this response tells the complimenter how clever, astute, and intelligent they are for noticing how lovely you look in your favorite color. This person would feel very positive about offering you compliments in the future.

My suggestion is to take all compliments, congratulations and praise at face value. Presume that anyone taking the time and effort to extend a compliment is sincere. If you are complimented on something about which you don't feel positive, accept the compliment with a friendly "Thank You" and take a second look at it with fresh eyes. It is possible that others see something that you do not. If you have had an item for years or have had an ability since childhood, you may take it for granted. When complimented, you are tempted to pass it off as insincere. If this is the first time the complimenter has encountered this item or ability, they may be genuinely impressed.

If someone compliments you on a job well done and you know there are hidden flaws, resist the temptation to point them out. Imagine that you have made a wonderful dinner with all of the trimmings including the dessert but something didn't come out quite exactly how you had planned it. By pointing out the flaw, it destroys the good feelings the complimenter is trying to share.

It is much better to be gracious and tell the complimenter, "Thank you for the compliment. I did work long and hard to make the best dinner presentation I could." This is the truth and allows both you and the person offering the compliment to feel good.

I would suggest that if you have problems accepting compliments, that you practice thanking the person offering the compliment and go no further, and always present a smile. Once you are comfortable with thanking people for compliments, progress to adding a few comments to help the complimenter feel good also.

Practice makes perfect!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

Why is it so many blame God for the world problems that man himself has created? He gave us the gift of free will to make choices, to do Gods will or our will.

DRAMA, CHAOS AND CRISIS..... OH MY!!!!!

2011-12-27T15:48:00.000-05:00

"Many people live in a state of eternal drama and chaos, but think they can get away with it by mislabeling it as passion."

That quote doesn't come from anybody famous-- rather, it comes from an individual and couples' therapist. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a rather "flip" comment, but I have since come to appreciate the basic truth it contains.

I suppose I have the perspective of having spent a fair chunk of my life surrounded by other people's chaos. Many of these otherwise good folks seem almost unable to function, unless there's some kind of "crisis." And if there is not an obvious crisis, in that moment, it almost feels like their subconscious goes to work on creating a situation that will create a new level of drama.

I am not entirely sure where to look for the roots of "drama," "chaos," and "crisis." Whenever I have been in the company of chronically chaotic people, it has always felt like their habits were somewhat narcissistic-- the "purpose" being to create situations that "require" a bunch of people to "come to the rescue" because that person's life has gotten out of control.

So many people I know start projects so often that they really cannot handle, often volunteering in what seemed to be the spirit of good work. But more often than not they get 10% into the project, discover there were difficulties, and would then start to moan and groan and solicit help until everyone within a four-county area had been alerted, had to drop whatever they were working on, so now (effectively) everyone willing is working on this "project". From my personal perspective, the fact that people continually would mess up bothers me less than the fact that they always seem to feel "entitled" to have everyone else abandon what they were doing, to help. What is also annoying is that they usually always presented themselves as highly "capable" and never will say "I might need help with this," up front-- but at the end would insist on full credit for having done "their" project.

Tons and tons of people "manufacture" chaos out of thin air, as an "avoidance maneuver." By making sure certain aspects of their lives are always in a state of chaos and disarray, they make sure that certain things would never come to pass, because it would simply be too much hassle to deal with them. Yet others appear to use drama and chaos as ways to make themselves come across as "special" and "different." It has usually rung rather false with me, perhaps because it seems so transparent-- showing a fear that the person would somehow be less lovable, absent the constant crises. The irony, of course, is that it is this very thing that caused the person to be less lovable.

I suppose I'd understand the whole "chaos and drama" thing if I could see that it clearly led to the person in question having precisely the life they wanted. But it seams that's a rarity-- in fact, I hear far more "woe is me" and moaning and groaning from chaotic people. As a group, they seem thoroughly UNhappy with their lives-- yet often thoroughly UNwilling to make any kinds of changes, in spite of the fact that they tend to put great strains on relationships and friendships-- and end up lamenting the fact their friends "don't return phone calls."

Is it insecurity that drives chaos and drama? Is it fear of rejection? Is it narcissism? Or is it simply a chaotic mind? And-- as one of the least chaotic people on the planet-- why do I often feel like I am a "magnet" for other people's chaos?

TIPS FOR RECOVERY

Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country. Therapists likewise can help, and are everywhere. Therapy clinics often offer low fee, professional services provided by therapists who are training for advanced certification.
Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You make decide to change, and then time after time, find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means going to meetings, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
Identify with others in your group and begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself better. These are the first steps toward accepting and loving yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are loveable, and that your whole world does not have to revolve around the other person. Your practice might be daily meditation, reflecting on nature, watching the sunrise or sunset, playing music and experiencing its effects on your body, praying to a higher power, working in your garden...any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturance outside of your brain.
Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right! - with him or her. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth.
Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with the other might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents in recovery say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF...and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development.
Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help a child with its mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and to have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. When co-dependents tell me that they really don't care what decisions are made, and it's ok for the other person to run the show, I tell them to START CARING...to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for yourself.
Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and fail to consult doctors when they need to. Or they overwork, and fail to give themselves enough rest. One woman blew off her doctor's appointment to help her lover with some clerical work; another person needed to be reminded that she was entitled to take her vitamins and be healthy. One way to know the areas in your life in which you have low self-esteem is to look at the places in your life which don't work! What do you tend to complain about? What needs fixing in your life? In your personality? How do these areas reflect low self-esteem?

Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem...a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself, rather than searching for a relationship to give you a sense of self-worth. As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially lovers, who are fine just as they are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.

You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people. You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. Now, instead of hanging on to your relationship for dear life, you ask, "Is this relationship good for me? Does it allow me to grow into all I am capable of being?" When the answer is no, when a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without becoming terrified or unduly depressed. You will find a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see you through crises.

Your values change; now, rather than your partner, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have the capacity for intimacy.

You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!

SEXY AND SOBER BLOG, DENIAL, THE MONSTER OF ADDICTION

2011-12-09T14:41:00.000-05:00

DENIAL, THE MONSTER OF

ADDICTION

Denial is a common defense mechanism that everyone uses to some degree. It is an automatic response to avoid something uncomfortable. The kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar will say, when confronted, something like "I was just seeing if any cookies were left" or "No, my hand wasn't in the cookie jar."

In addiction, denial gets stronger and more rigid. Alcoholics and addicts consciously believe their own denial to avoid the painful reality that addiction controls their life. We can think of denial as a way of telling the truth about a small part of reality as if it were all of reality. For example, the person who has not had a drink in two hours might focus on those two hours and assert, "I haven't been drinking" -- leaving out "for the last two hours."

Denial blinds addicts to the cause of their problem -- their dependence on drugs or alcohol. It allows them to pretend that their using is not destructive. Denial is so powerful that addicts are often the last to recognize their disease. Some pursue their addiction as their life and health deteriorate, continuing their denial until they die.

Even during recovery, denial can occur. An example is the addict who says "I know I have to quit drinking, but I never had a problem with weed, so I can use a little of that." After a period of sobriety, denial often recurs with the thoughts, "I've been good for 6 months. I can drink normally again."

To protect ourselves against uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and experiences, we develop a set of automatic mental reactions called defenses (or defense mechanisms). These mechanisms begin in childhood and are a normal part of development. Defenses protect us (our conscious mind) against painful feelings, thoughts, and situations in our families and lives.

Defenses protect us from painful realities. They filter out things we may not want to recognize, and they change our perceptions so things feel more comfortable. In a sense, defenses distort reality, and to the extent that they distort reality, they cause problems in everyday functioning, especially in interpersonal relationships. Defenses cause problems because they keep people from coming to a consensus about what is true, or real, or fair. It's as if we're speaking different languages.

Defenses are normal. Everyone has them and uses them, but addicts use them to maintain addictive behaviors and thoughts. As addiction progresses, defenses become more and more powerful and rigid, hiding the worsening consequences of addictive behavior. Part of recovery is looking at reality and taking responsibility for the uncomfortable consequences of our addiction. This often means developing more mature defenses that allow more flexible thinking and more honest and wholesome ways of being in the world.

Defenses come in many different forms. We may close our eyes to the destructive consequences of using, or we may explain our addiction away in an intellectual fashion that saves us from having to feel. Another common defense is blaming, during which we find fault with someone else to avoid looking at our own responsibilities.

The following are common defenses:

Denial: Refusing to admit or acknowledge that our drinking or using has become a problem. (I can quit any time I want to. My using isn't that bad.)

Isolation: Removing ourselves from the company of family and friends for the purpose of maintaining a chemical habit.

Rationalization: Giving reasons to explain why we drink or use. (I drink because I hate my job.)

Blaming: Transferring responsibility for our behavior to other people. (I wouldn't drink if my spouse treated me right.)

Projection: Rejecting our own feelings by ascribing them to someone else. (Why is that stupid idiot being so hostile?)

Minimizing: Refusing to admit the magnitude of the amount used. (I only have a couple of drinks. It's not a problem.)

Understand Addiction In Order to Help Addict

This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.

Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:

Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism

Have very little environmental risk

Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them

Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about how it works is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic. If you want to know how to help alcoholics then you need to learn about the condition.

Get Help Yourself In Order To Help The Addict

We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior, including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.

Establish Boundaries And Set Limits With The Addict

One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick, caring more about this person’s feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity, instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict.

Confronting The Addict

Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. In my own personal experience, I finally decided to ask for addiction help and thus changed my whole life after a simple phone conversation with a family member. The reason for this was because timing was everything. Previously, a formal intervention had failed, because I simply had not been ready to make a change at that time. But a key conversation happened at just the right moment, and it set in motion a series of life changing events for me.

Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. Helping an addict is never that straightforward. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.

Organize a Formal Intervention

This is what most people think of when they hear the term “intervention,” where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober.

Assess A Person’s Addiction In Order To Determine The Correct Approach

A friend or loved one who is caught up in the cycle of addiction has to be approached in the right way. We all know how worthless it is for advice to fall on deaf ears, and this is bound to be the case with certain approaches in trying to help struggling addicts. But there are specific, proactive actions that you can take regardless of where your loved one is at in their addiction. There are no hard and fast rules here because different personality types will call for different approaches. One valuable guideline might be to always use a caring approach instead of a threatening one. Consider the different levels of denial and willingness to change that an addict or alcoholic might have:

Complete Denial – If a person is in complete denial of their addiction, then there is little that you can do other than focus on your own behaviors and actions. The best that you can do in this case might be to communicate your boundaries with the person and let it be known that you won’t be bailing them out of any jams. A formal intervention is unlikely to produce an immediate change, although it might be a step in letting the person know how much everyone cares for them. In some cases, a formal intervention might be an unhealthy move on your part…better to take care of yourself at this point and simply establish healthy boundaries with the person.

They are Admitting to their Problem, but are Reluctant to take action - This is the difference between admitting and accepting that they have an addiction. This person is technically still in denial, but they just aren’t willing to change yet. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.

I was in this state for several years, but was scared to get help and make a change. I was terrified of the thought of facing life without drugs and alcohol. What finally got me to ask for help and change my life was a simple, informal conversation with a family member over the phone. This is what finally “did the trick,” whereas a full scale formal intervention in the past had failed. But also realize that the formal intervention might have been a critical part of the journey. They Admit to their Problem and Say they are Willing to Change, but only on Their Own Terms – This is still denial, but in its sneakiest form. The person has agreed to address their addiction and says that they are willing to change. They might even have a genuine willingness to change. But the problem is that they are only going to change on their own terms.

Fear is holding them back. The person is so close to making a life changing decision. Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point. If you want to know how to help drug addicts then you have to learn to figure out how hard you can press up against this wall of fear. It can be a tricky balance to attain.

They Accept their Addiction and Will do Almost Anything You Suggest – This is complete surrender, and represents someone who is ready to change. Get them to a treatment center or a twelve step/support meeting.

Practicing Detachment

One of the key principles that will help you in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.

This is difficult.

Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:

Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.

Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.

Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.

Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.

Don’t try to fix them.

Let go of any guilt you may have about them.

Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.

The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions, like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault.

Detachment is difficult and takes practice. I urge you to find local Al-Anon meetings and get involved with them, as those are the people who can help you the most.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, CLEAN AND SOBER TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

2011-12-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

Holidays can be stressful for anyone, particularly for those in recovery. Besides the temptations to party hearty that seem to be everywhere, there are also the feelings of depression and being left out to contend with. Don’t let the holidays get you down or cause you to slip. Here are some tips to support recovery during the holidays.

Tip #1: Be sure to get enough rest. – Let’s face it. When you’re tired, you’re more apt to make snap judgments that may turn out to be wrong, say something you wish you hadn’t, or find yourself entertaining thoughts of giving into the temptation to drink or do drugs. While being well rested can’t guarantee that these situations won’t occur, it’s far less likely.

Why is that? In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, newcomers are encouraged to avoid “HALT.” That means you should never allow yourself to get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Well, fatigue certainly plays a huge part in what causes many people to succumb to temptation – during the holidays and anytime. When you’re tired, your brain gets lazy. You find yourself making excuses or doing what seems easiest. It’s hard to fight off cravings if you have no resources left. It’s much simpler to just give in.

Do yourself a solid and be sure to get adequate rest each night. This applies all the time, of course, but especially during the holidays. Never permit yourself to burn the candle at both ends. You can’t have stay up for hours on end – wrapping Christmas presents or celebrating the fireworks display – and be in tip-top shape for whatever responsibilities you have on the morrow. And, you won’t be much good at making the right decisions, either.

How much rest is enough? Generally speaking, adults should get a good 8 to 9 hours of rest each night. While some people pride themselves on getting by with 5 hours or less, they’re only depriving their bodies and their minds of what they really need. It also helps to be consistent with you sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time each morning. This establishes your body’s natural rhythms – and also helps you be alert and ready to go each day.

Tip #2: Be selective about what invitations you accept. – Depending on what time of year it is, you can expect to receive numerous invitations to parties and get-togethers. This is particularly true during the period from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. In some areas of the country, the calendar date that results in the most drinking and driving arrests is Halloween. Other big holidays for drinking include the Fourth of July and Labor Day.

You might think that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day – while not holidays in the sense that you get time off from work – would be safe. That all depends on what kind of family dynamic you have present. If your family members are big drinkers or have other addictions, it stands to reason that you may wish to steer clear of celebrations on those days.

What it all boils down to is that you should exercise discretion. Be selective – in fact, be very selective – about what invitations you accept. There’s just no sense putting your sobriety in jeopardy by going to places where people are drinking and/or doing drugs.

If, however, an invitation can’t be discreetly turned down, such as a company dinner or event, you might be okay if you pay attention to tip #3.

Tip #3: What’s in your glass only matters to you. – When everyone around you is having a good time, drinking cocktails or champagne or beer, do you really think it matters what you have the bartender pour in your glass? Chances are it only matters to you. The man or woman next to you is only interested in getting his or her own drink. So, if you ask for sparkling water or tonic with lime, it’s your business and no one else’s.

If you’re with family or close friends and someone wants to fill your glass for a toast, it helps if you prepare the host ahead of time to have your glass filled with a non-alcoholic drink. If red wine is the toast beverage, you can have your glass filled with cranberry juice. If it’s champagne, make yours ginger ale or Seven Up. Remember that others will only notice or pay attention to a situation where a big deal is made of it. So, if you handle this ahead of time, no one’s the wiser. Everyone else is just caught up in the celebration of the moment. With this tip, you can join in and still be true to your recovery goals.

Tip #4: Have back-up plans ready. – It’s amazing how a simple tip can make all the difference. If you’re prepared with a reasonable response when you’re at a party and getting ready to leave and someone asks you to stay, it’s not only less stressful, it’s also essential. You’ve got an easy out, no one’s feelings are hurt, and you’ve been true to your sobriety.

Here’s how it works. You always have something that needs to be done. Holidays are no exception. Your response could be that you have to run an errand for your spouse or mother or you have an appointment you can’t miss. Maybe you need to pick up your children or get to the bank before it closes or buy supplies for work. What you say isn’t important. What is important is that you prepare what you’ll say in advance and stick to it. Don’t allow someone to convince you to stay just a little longer. Your time is your own. You don’t owe it to anyone else.

Laugh off objections, if that makes it any easier for you. Your friends or the party’s host will get over it. And you’ll be on your way without getting yourself in harm’s way.

Tip #5: Go late and leave early. – Here’s another tip that may work for you. It’s simple, really. Just go as late as you can to the party without being irresponsible and leave well before the party’s end. What you’re doing, in effect, is putting in an appearance. That’s all that matters to most hosts anyway. You’ve been invited. You show up, talk to a few folks, and leave. End of story.

As for the others at the party or get-together, they’re too busy chatting up friends and family members to notice how long you’re in attendance. And if someone does tap your arm and ask why you’re leaving, give them the response you prepared in advance (see tip #4).

Tip #6: Spend your time with fellow 12-step members. – Who understands the impact of the holidays on sobriety better than your fellow 12-step members? And, what better place to be than at a 12-step meeting when you feel the pressures of the holiday season? The truth is that those in recovery aren’t any more immune to depression and loneliness than someone who’s never had a problem with alcohol. Thousands of people of all ages are alone or infirm or depressed during the period from Thanksgiving to New Year’s, or around birthdays of now-deceased relatives or friends. But the difference is that you, since you are in recovery, have an automatic support network in your 12-step sponsor and group members.

Besides the fellowship and support, you’ve got someplace legitimate to go during the holidays. You don’t have to stress yourself about what to do or say. Your group members know what it feels like to be somewhat out of place – especially when you’re new to recovery. And you’ll get lots of ideas on how to handle different situations by listening to others share during the meetings.

Many 12-step groups may hold special get-togethers during certain holidays. This provides convivial atmosphere and a sober way to celebrate special occasions.

Tip #7: Give thanks for your sober days. – It may help to think about the number of days or weeks or months you’ve been sober. Just counting up the days can afford a measure of comfort and peace. This is a big achievement, and one that you’ve worked hard for. Sometimes, just taking the time to give thanks for all this time you’ve been sober in recovery is enough to keep you firmly on your path.

Tip #8: If you feel you might stumble, call your sponsor. – This tip applies anytime of the year. Day or night, if you feel like you’re in trouble and may slip, get in touch with your 12-step sponsor. Don’t delay. Don’t tough it out. Don’t give yourself an excuse to do something to jeopardize your sobriety.

After all, that’s what your sponsor signed on for when he or she agreed to be your sponsor. If not to help you discover your true strengths, to be supportive of your efforts to stay clean and sober, to listen in a nonjudgmental manner and with compassion, to offer helpful advice – what else is your sponsor for?

Of course, it goes without saying that you should choose your 12-step sponsor carefully. Be sure that the person you ask to sponsor you has been in successful recovery for at least one year. The more time a sponsor has in recovery, the more you look up to and admire the person’s words and deeds, the way he or she is always there when you’re in need, the more beneficial this person can be to you if you have a problem during the holidays.

One thing to remember is that you’re not putting your sponsor out by calling. The relationship you have with your sponsor is a special one. You both are committed to your sobriety.

Tip #9: Keep busy. – When you were in treatment and before you completed your program, one of the important parts was relapse prevention. This is where you learned about the importance of keeping yourself busy, of creating and maintaining schedules and adhering to a healthier routine. During the holidays, it’s especially helpful to have a list of things that you can get involved in or do so that your mind isn’t left to wonder about all the activities you’re missing out on.

Tackle a project you’ve been putting off. Invite some friends over for an intimate dinner at your home. Go out and enjoy a movie or a concert. You can also volunteer to help at any number of worthwhile organizations or charities. Do something nice for your neighbor or someone at work who’s been ill.

Sit down with a paper and pen and make a list of things you’d like to do, want to do, and have the time to do. You can prioritize them or do what is the quickest and easiest to get involved in right now. Once you’re done with that, move on to the next one. If this doesn’t get you through any qualms about being true to your recovery, then get yourself to a 12-step meeting and find support there.

Tip #10: Take time to enrich your spirit. – Material considerations often take center stage in people’s minds when it comes to the holidays. It doesn’t matter what holiday it is, there always seems to be a furious burst of activity around getting ready for the day, being involved on the day, and cleaning up after the day. What often gets left out completely is attention to the spiritual aspect of the holiday.

Christmas is the most obvious time when paying attention to spirituality would seem to matter most. But it’s certainly not the only time. Easter is another, as well as Thanksgiving. In fact, when you get right down to it, any holiday is a good time to think more about your spirituality than all the material trappings associated with the day.

How do you enrich your spirit? There’s no single way. What works for you may not be the same as what proves most effective for the next person. You may believe in God or a Higher Power or the power of the spirit or nature. Maybe you go to a church or a synagogue or commune with nature by meditating in the woods or by a pond or lake or stream. Some people get in touch with their spirituality and feel a sense of enrichment by doing yoga.

You can also just close your eyes, concentrate on your breathing in and out, and wipe your mind of all extraneous thoughts. Picture a peaceful scene and continue to breathe in and out deeply and regularly. Do this for about 15 to 20 minutes. You will feel refreshed and renewed afterward. What you are doing, in essence, is centering yourself, freeing yourself from stresses and distractions. You are bringing yourself back into balance: body, mind, and spirit.

Have a Healthy Happy Holiday Season

After you’ve been in successful recovery for a few years, you’ll look back on your early days and see how much you’ve grown. You’ll likely be amazed at how much easier it is now to overcome holiday stresses and temptations than it was back then. This is due to your diligence in working your steps, being involved in your support network, constantly refining your recovery plan and taking the necessary actions to achieve your goals. You will know who to turn to when you have a problem, and how to celebrate with sober friends to have a healthy and happy holiday.

Most of all, you’ll then be in a position to be able to offer the same type of support to someone new to recovery, someone who, like you a while back, needs the encouragement and strength that only someone in solid recovery can give. At that point, you’ll really know the importance of support during the holidays. You’ll know because you’re doing it.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

2011-11-27T20:30:00.000-05:00

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100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

Let’s start with the Medical View:

The American Medical Association states:

“the AMA endorses the proposition that drug dependencies, including alcoholism, is a disease and that their treatment is a legitimate part of medical practice. ”

OK, so the American Medical Association the American Society of Addiction Medicine and a host of others agree that drug addiction and alcoholism are diseases. But it wasn’t until about 15 years ago that they could agree on a definition of the disease of addiction.

In 1992 The Joint Committee of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and the American Society of Addiction Medicine formed a committee to study the definition and criteria for the diagnosis of alcoholism.

The goals of the committee were to create by consensus a revised definition that is (1) scientifically valid, (2) clinically useful, and (3) understandable by the general public.

I especially liked #3, a definition ‘understandable by the general public’. Here is what they came up with:

The committee agreed to define alcoholism as:

“A primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial. Each of these symptoms may be continuous or periodic.”

Great, I’m a member of the general public, but am not so sure how clear that is, so let’s break that down a bit into even more understandable terms.

Primary: This suggests that alcoholism, or drug use, as an addiction stands on its own and is not a symptom of another underlying disease state. It refers to the disease as possibly being in addition to, but separate from other states which may be associated with it.

Disease: This means impairment or involuntary disability that is associated with a specified common set of characteristics, signs and symptoms that differentiate these individuals from the general population and which places them at a disadvantage.

Often progressive and fatal… drug addiction is persistent over time, the physical emotional and social changes are key, and will progress as long using continues. The negative effects of alcohol and drug use accumulate over time and can cause premature death through overdose, suicide, homicide motor vehicle accidents and traumatic events. Medical or organic complications often involve the brain, heart, liver, and many other organs within the body.

Impaired control: this is the phenomenon of a person’s inability to control their use of alcohol or drugs after a certain point. They become unable to consistently set enforceable limits on both the quantity consumed, the length of the episode, and their behavior consequences of use.

Preoccupation: as the disease progresses, the individual often starts to divert attention and energy away from important life concerns. The alcohol or drug use becomes the central point of focus, or central organizing a factor around which the users life starts to revolve.

Adverse Consequences or negative consequences: quite plainly stated, ‘ bad stuff happens’. The qualities of interpersonal relationships start to suffer. There may be impairments and a decrease in the ability to think clearly, as well as producing altered states of mood and behavior. There may be legal, financial spiritual problems. Physical health problems may start to manifest themselves such as withdrawal symptoms, craving, anemia, liver disease, brain disease etc.

Characterized By Denial: Denial is a unique symptom of the disease of addiction. It is much deeper than simply responding negatively to accusations that you have a problem. In order to stay active in their addiction, a user must create a rational framework in which it is OK or the to do so.

These mental manipulations, or psychological defense mechanisms eventually create almost a fantasy world in which it is OK for the user to continue. Some common elements of a denial system are a minimization of how much is actually consumed, and minimizing the negative effects on themselves and people around them.

There is also a tendency to blame people, places, and things for their use, and holding the belief that they are ‘entitled’ to continue using or it is a reward for their hard work.

In Summary

Addiction can be defined as a chronic relapsing disease. It is characterized by compulsive drug seeking or craving, and the continued use despite negative and harmful consequences.

And now for the 12 Step View:

The original 12 step program was that of Alcoholics Anonymous. This program was developed in the mid to late 1930′s. In this era treatment for alcoholism or drug addiction was essentially commitment to asylum, jail, or death.

The fundamental and then, at the time radical, view was that alcoholism could be viewed as an allergy. The use of alcohol by chronic alcoholics is a

“manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperature drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and be, astonishingly difficult to solve.” AA Big Book pp. xxvi, The Doctor’s opinion

I must admit that the first time I heard alcoholism referred to as an ‘allergy’, I was a bit taken aback. To me, an allergy was something more like sneezing from ragweed in the springtime. However, much was explained when I looked up the definition of the word allergy. It essentially means, ‘an uncommon reaction to a common substance.

An example often utilized that helped me was to think of an allergy to strawberries or shellfish. They are common substances, but for those with an allergy to them their uncommon reaction to them might be wheezing, difficulty breathing, and perhaps a rash.

For an alcoholic, the common substance is alcohol. The uncommon reactions spoken of are obsession and compulsion. These only affect people with the ‘allergy’ to alcohol’

The foundation statement of the 12 steps , Step One states:

We admitted we’re powerless over alcohol (our addiction), and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step one simply a statement of the problem, and that is we have developed a lack of control over our addiction and that bad consequences have occurred.

The problem is a primary illness, not caused by lack of moral judgment, nor lack of values or knowledge. The problem is described as in Allergy of the Body and an Obsession of the Mind.

“The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: in the ability stop using once restarted. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire to use, even when we are trying our lives. The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness” Narcotics Anonymous.pg.20

The dilemma that occurs is that if we cannot use because of our body, and we can’t quit because of our mental obsession then we’re truly powerless over chemicals.

The Narcotics Anonymous text states:

“We have a disease: progressive, incurable, and fatal. One way or another we went out and bought our destruction on the time of payment plan! all of us, from the junky snatching purses to this weak little lady hitting two or three doctors for legal prescriptions, have one thing in common: we seek our destruction a bag at a time, a few pills at a time, or a bottle at time until we die This is at least part of the insanity of addiction. The price may seem higher for the addict who prostitutes for a fix then it is for the addict who merely applies to a doctor. Ultimately both pay for their disease with their lives. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.”The NA text page 23”

This brief section on the 12 step view is in no way intended to be a course of instruction on Step one nor the 12 steps. I provided this to show a slightly different view of addiction and alcoholism from the Medical View.

There are some definite commonalities between the two views such as loss of control over the substance. Continued use despite negative consequences, and the fact that untreated the disease is both chronic and progressive.

Addiction As A Brain Disease

Viewing addiction as a brain disease is pretty much on the polar opposite end of the scale as the historic view of addiction being a moral weakness. Supporters of the moralistic view tend to believe that it is simply a matter of just saying “no” and stopping.

As more and more is revealed about the functioning of the brain, through the tremendous technological advances in the last 10 years, understanding drug addiction and recovery become a very complex problem.

Drugs and alcohol affect the functioning in the brain’s limbic system. The limbic system contains the brains pleasure pathways or reward centers. It is the stimulation and action of chemical changes that occur here that produce feelings of pleasure. The brain learns that one feelings of pleasure occur where motivated to repeat them.

Messages in the brain are transmitted by sending electrical impulses across networks of nerve cells called neurons. Messages are transmitted between neurons by the chemicals called neurotransmitters. This is where it gets interesting.

Alcohol and drugs are chemicals that can enter into and interfere with that chemical communication by mimicking the natural chemicals that occur in the brain.

1. Some examples are heroin or marijuana which fooled brain into sending abnormal messages which are then transmitted.
2. There are other drugs such as the stimulants cocaine and amphetamines which cause the brain cells to release an abnormally large quantities of the brain chemicals.

Where, Exactly Are We Going With All This?

All mood altering drugs of abuse target the brain’s pleasure circuit, or reward system by drowning it with abnormally large quantities of dopamine. Dopamine occurs naturally in the brain and helps regulate the processes of emotion, thinking, motivation, and feelings of pleasure. Over stimulation and amplification of these processes are the ‘desired’ effects of taking drugs.

How Do We Get Addicted?

Well, one reason is that drugs can stimulate 100 percent to 1000 percent the amount of dopamine released to reward center. That’s almost like saying you can feel 2 to 10 times better with drugs than you can naturally. The effects of drugs also last much longer.

The problem is that our brain starts to adapt to these abnormally large quantities of dopamine it does so by producing less and less of the substance naturally. So, if you’re not actually under the effects of drugs your ‘resting state’, is actually quite low. The brain also reacts to curb the flood by reducing the number of dopamine receptors available in the brain so it does not face continual overload.

This means essentially that you must take drugs just to feel ‘normal’, and even more and more drugs to get high. This is the symptom of drug addiction known as tolerance.

Why Do We Take Drugs In The First Place?

I believe that this is the key question to ask yourself. I think that we take action in the expectation of a payoff. Acknowledging what your payoff is from taking drugs or alcohol is a very important piece of knowledge to have when planning your e addiction recovery strategy.

Maybe your answer appears below:

1. How about simply for the pleasure? This might be a real ‘ya think’ motivation of the fact the matter is says the pleasurable feelings drugs I’ll call and produce can be really intense. I heard it described as making the ordinary, extraordinary.
2. People use to kill pain. This can be emotional, psychological or physical pain. One thing they cannot be denied about drugs and alcohol is that they are quick and effective in the short run.
3. The element of curiosity or peer pressure. A lot of people get started on the path of addiction simply by wanting to fit in with the crowd, or having an intellectual curiosity about the effects of drugs.
4. Improving performance or perception. there is no doubt that quite a number of people believe that drinking or taking drugs increases their ability to perform or cope was certain areas of life. Some people also believe it helps their creativity.

Can Addiction Be Cured?

Most professionals agree that while addiction cannot be cured, it can be managed. The most effective means of Addiction management is abstinence.

I’ve not yet have had anybody argue with me to vigorously against the position that if you want to stop having trouble with drugs and alcohol and stop taking them.

Abstinence is the goal for the early stage of recovery. As we all know, the object of the exercise is not simply to become abstinent but to grow and reach levels that are rich and full in addiction recovery.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

2011-11-27T20:28:00.000-05:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

Let’s start with the Medical View:

The American Medical Association states:

“the AMA endorses the proposition that drug dependencies, including alcoholism, is a disease and that their treatment is a legitimate part of medical practice. ”

The goals of the committee were to create by consensus a revised definition that is (1) scientifically valid, (2) clinically useful, and (3) understandable by the general public.

I especially liked #3, a definition ‘understandable by the general public’. Here is what they came up with:

The committee agreed to define alcoholism as:

“A primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial. Each of these symptoms may be continuous or periodic.”

Great, I’m a member of the general public, but am not so sure how clear that is, so let’s break that down a bit into even more understandable terms.

There is also a tendency to blame people, places, and things for their use, and holding the belief that they are ‘entitled’ to continue using or it is a reward for their hard work.

In Summary

Addiction can be defined as a chronic relapsing disease. It is characterized by compulsive drug seeking or craving, and the continued use despite negative and harmful consequences.

And now for the 12 Step View:

The fundamental and then, at the time radical, view was that alcoholism could be viewed as an allergy. The use of alcohol by chronic alcoholics is a

“manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperature drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and be, astonishingly difficult to solve.” AA Big Book pp. xxvi, The Doctor’s opinion

For an alcoholic, the common substance is alcohol. The uncommon reactions spoken of are obsession and compulsion. These only affect people with the ‘allergy’ to alcohol’

The foundation statement of the 12 steps , Step One states:

We admitted we’re powerless over alcohol (our addiction), and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step one simply a statement of the problem, and that is we have developed a lack of control over our addiction and that bad consequences have occurred.

The problem is a primary illness, not caused by lack of moral judgment, nor lack of values or knowledge. The problem is described as in Allergy of the Body and an Obsession of the Mind.

“The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: in the ability stop using once restarted. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire to use, even when we are trying our lives. The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness” Narcotics Anonymous.pg.20

The dilemma that occurs is that if we cannot use because of our body, and we can’t quit because of our mental obsession then we’re truly powerless over chemicals.

The Narcotics Anonymous text states:

“We have a disease: progressive, incurable, and fatal. One way or another we went out and bought our destruction on the time of payment plan! all of us, from the junky snatching purses to this weak little lady hitting two or three doctors for legal prescriptions, have one thing in common: we seek our destruction a bag at a time, a few pills at a time, or a bottle at time until we die This is at least part of the insanity of addiction. The price may seem higher for the addict who prostitutes for a fix then it is for the addict who merely applies to a doctor. Ultimately both pay for their disease with their lives. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.”The NA text page 23”

Addiction As A Brain Disease

Alcohol and drugs are chemicals that can enter into and interfere with that chemical communication by mimicking the natural chemicals that occur in the brain.

1. Some examples are heroin or marijuana which fooled brain into sending abnormal messages which are then transmitted.
2. There are other drugs such as the stimulants cocaine and amphetamines which cause the brain cells to release an abnormally large quantities of the brain chemicals.

Where, Exactly Are We Going With All This?

How Do We Get Addicted?

This means essentially that you must take drugs just to feel ‘normal’, and even more and more drugs to get high. This is the symptom of drug addiction known as tolerance.

Why Do We Take Drugs In The First Place?

Maybe your answer appears below:

1. How about simply for the pleasure? This might be a real ‘ya think’ motivation of the fact the matter is says the pleasurable feelings drugs I’ll call and produce can be really intense. I heard it described as making the ordinary, extraordinary.
2. People use to kill pain. This can be emotional, psychological or physical pain. One thing they cannot be denied about drugs and alcohol is that they are quick and effective in the short run.
3. The element of curiosity or peer pressure. A lot of people get started on the path of addiction simply by wanting to fit in with the crowd, or having an intellectual curiosity about the effects of drugs.
4. Improving performance or perception. there is no doubt that quite a number of people believe that drinking or taking drugs increases their ability to perform or cope was certain areas of life. Some people also believe it helps their creativity.

Can Addiction Be Cured?

Most professionals agree that while addiction cannot be cured, it can be managed. The most effective means of Addiction management is abstinence.

I’ve not yet have had anybody argue with me to vigorously against the position that if you want to stop having trouble with drugs and alcohol and stop taking them.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, CHANGING YOUR PATTERNS OF FAILURE

2011-10-16T16:28:00.000-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

CHANGING YOUR

PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR

There are 11 core mental patterns of failure. Whenever you have been unable to: · Stop feeling certain emotions · Do what you know you should do · Say no to things that you know are not good for you, like cigarettes, dessert or a bad relationship · Motivate yourself to move ahead in your career, finances or relationships ...I guarantee that you are running some or all of these 11 failure patterns. You may not be running them in all areas of your life, but they are most certainly running in those 'frustrating' areas where you want to change. Where you can't seem to control yourself. Where you know what you should do and say, but don't do it. Where you can't break that bad habit. If those failure patterns don't get rewired, they will always be there controlling your every emotion and action. Unless you get deep down, clear out those old ways of thinking, and condition in the necessary new patterns to cause change, then your current, undesired, strongest and deepest mental patterns will always be the ones that rise up and automatically take over. Remember, unless you change the way you think and feel: · You'll light another cigarette · You'll have another panic attack · You won't achieve the meaningful goal · You'll continue to loathe exercising · You'll reach for snacks and desserts · You'll continue to feel depressed and hopeless · You'll continue in whatever your particular problem is. Until you break that cycle by rewiring those old patterns of failure-not by telling you what you should do, or teaching, or giving you a how-to manual- but in one of the same ways that they were conditioned in-by time and repetition.

If you change your thinking and don't back it up with repetitive actions.........
you'll leave a void which can lead to other unwanted thought patterns taking over, like stopping smoking and replacing it with overeating. If you change your thinking and don’t change the underlying belief systems, then you're painting a poorly prepared surface, and the 'rust' of your old bad habits and thought patterns will bubble up and come through soon enough. Lasting change requires not only changing beliefs, but changing thinking, along with behavior and action that is congruent with the new underlying beliefs. Repetition and consistency in positive contrary action and behavior creates new ingrained thinking and finally turns into not just a belief but a new truth and a "knowing" A certainty.

There are 11 major mental patterns that cause fear, worry, depression & failure to consistently work against lasting change. These are what keep you stuck and are what blocks you from being able to motivate yourself. These are the 11 mental patterns of failure that cause an inability to feel or perform the way you desire in any situation. Some of these patterns are running constantly, for example, They can be both conscious (aware) or unconscious (unaware) programmed thoughts and emotions, directing you to do the same old things and feel the same old ways that you always have, no matter how much you want to change. As you read the list of the failure patterns below, think long and hard about yourself and your own past results... and note how many of them seem to be describing you! Free yourself of these, and reaching your desired change will be clear sailing...

FAILURE PATTERN #1 Self-esteem and Self-image

Many people believe deep down that they're just not 'good enough,' or they just can't imagine themselves being 'different' than they are now. This is a very common failure pattern, and is present is many more people than you may think. Even wildly successful people from all walks of life report feelings that they're just not 'that good' or don't quite 'measure up.' If you don't believe deep down that you deserve to have a specific goal or characteristic, or can't see yourself having it or being that person, you won't really go for it and do the things it would take to get it. The truth is, you ARE good enough, you CAN be that new person Right Now! go for any shred of the opposite view and behave in that manner.

FAILURE PATTERN #2 Replaying past failures repeatedly in your mind

Do you ever find, after making a mistake, that you keep replaying it and all your frustration about it over and over in your mind? Beating yourself up over mistakes and not appreciating the good you've done is a perfect way to destroy motivation and discourage yourself from any further attempt at action. The truth is everyone makes mistakes and mistakes are a perfectly acceptable way to learn. Tell yourself mistakes are not failures, they are lessons. And the only way to learn not to make them is to go through them to the other side of success. No matter what your thinking tells you - pick yourself up and try again.

FAILURE PATTERN #3 Blaming your problem or failure on circumstances or on other people

Grudges, jealousy, resentment and anger brew bitterness and take your mind off of the most important things... accomplishing worthy goals or making positive changes. Blaming serves only one purpose... making you feel like a victim. And victims don't have power over their lives. The only way to dissolve away all that anger and resentment so you can accept responsibility for your own life, and focus on doing what you need to do to reach your desired goals is through acceptance and forgiveness. When you place blame on other people, you also place your power to change in their hands. As long as you are waiting for them to change, you don’t take responsibility for you own needs to change. It doesn’t matter if it seems fair or not, or if you deserve their treatment of you. What you do deserve is to treat yourself differently, move past what is holding you back and move forward under you own momentum. There is always a choice to do what is right for you.

FAILURE PATTERN #4 Lack of confidence

This can range from a small, lingering doubt to total disbelief in your ability to reach your goal, whether it be a physical, mental, social, professional or financial goal. Whether it's driven by a fear of humiliation, by past failures, by lack of knowledge or fear of rejection, having little or no faith when trying to reach a goal can cause procrastination, and/or half-hearted efforts, if you ever do start working toward your goal. Acting as if, practice and congruent behavior easily scrambles this pattern and opens you up to unstoppable confidence in your ability to achieve what you want. Visualize yourself walking straight up to the person you think you could never introduce yourself to, feel the feelings of confidence, see yourself with a smile on your face, assertively putting your hand and best foot forward. Practice this scenario over and over in your mind, then practice it with someone you trust.....but most importantly "do" it until you become comfortable with it. Contrary action over time changes beliefs and thinking.

FAILURE PATTERN #5 Positive neuro-associations to unsupportive behaviors, people or things

In order to achieve a challenging goal or make any big change, it's almost certain that you'll need to break some old, familiar, comfortable routines and 'rewire' some of your unsupportive neuro-associations. These are behavior related chemical changes that hardwire the brains memory pathways. These may be unconscious habits or behaviors you've had for decades. Examples include a love for cigarettes or desserts, being a couch potato or spending an inordinate amount of time making personal phone calls on company time. Regardless of the goal, the ability to let go of old, unsupportive routines and habits is crucial, because they can be gigantic roadblocks to your success. It is almost impossible to say, "I will stop doing (that)". Because as soon as you try work against a ingrained pattern the more resistant it becomes. A better way to achieve lasting change is to say, "I will start doing (this instead). One way of thinking moves your energy against something - the other way moves your energy towards something new. Forward energy in motion is much easier to achieve.
FAILURE PATTERN #6 Negative feelings/associations about any goal supporting habits/behaviors

Achieving worthy goals frequently involves adopting new routines that you may not currently find fun or desirable. But they are essential for your success. These may include sticking to a regular exercise routine, eating vegetables instead of 'junk,' or managing your time more effectively during your workday, with less personal phone calls. Unless you clear away some or most of the negative associations to your goal supporting behaviors, you will be doomed to fail. Positive Contrary action helps melt away all resistance you may have (whether conscious or unconscious) to the tasks and decisions required to get where you want to be. Just do something new no matter how small it may seem and do it consistently.

FAILURE PATTERN #7 Fear or anxiety about achieving (or not achieving) your desired change or goal

Although you may truly long to change something about yourself, there's also the unknown element: What will life be like afterward? Or, what will life be like if I fail? This can generate tremendous fear and anxiety, and cause you to either dismiss your goal, put forth only a half- hearted effort, or thwart your own progress just as you're getting close to achieving what you thought you wanted. Imagine yourself as the new you with ease and grace, visualize the new things you will be doing right down to the last detail, hear the sounds that accompany the new visualization, smell the smells, see the new results as if they were already taking place, describe it, write it down. Say soothing, stress-relieving clearing statements to yourself - all this will program and encourage your mind to dissolve and release all fear and anxiety about the future, about the unknown, and about your ability to be happy with the 'new you.'

FAILURE PATTERN #8 Mentally 'blowing up' the size of your tasks and responsibilities

Regardless of their 'true' size, when tasks feel big and difficult, it's often hard to get motivated to even begin. Unless you can truly develop the mental habit of experiencing and plotting the steps toward your goal as small, manageable chunks, you'll cause yourself a lot of undue stress, you'll be less effective, and you may even give up on your aim altogether. By breaking down tasks or responsibility in small baby steps, and then putting just that much effort in to complete that small step - huge tasks and overwhelming responsibilities become small manageable chunks of time and effort. let go of the habit of seeing and feeling your important outcomes as huge, dangerous, impossible tasks, and focus on what you can do right now this minute to begin making a small difference. Small differences acumulate into big accomplishments.

FAILURE PATTERN #9 Blowing temporary setbacks up to seem huge and permanent

No matter what you're undertaking, whether it's a physical, financial, professional, mental or social goal, there are bound to be short-term setbacks on the way. When temporary setbacks 'look or feel' large, unsolvable and permanent, you get trapped into a state that doesn't allow you to get answers, or have access to all your mental and physical resources. Unless you can totally accept that setbacks will occur and keep them in perspective when they do, you are open to worry, anxiety and depression...and are likely to quit. Persistent, consistent, positive effort creates perseverance. Stumbling blocks are just a bump in the road they are not "Black Holes" that will swallow you alive. The truth is every single problem has a solution and you can condition your mind to see stumbling blocks as challenges and opportunities to overcome them and keep your problems small in your mind, so that you can think clearly and make the right decisions when they need to be made.

FAILURE PATTERN #10 Constant mental pictures of future failure or tragedy

It's always wise to plan for the unexpected, but... ...When you focus a bulk of your mental activity on what could go wrong; if you see nothing but rotten images and failure, it is impossible to be optimistic and hopeful. Disaster thinking, or focusing only on what can go wrong causes you a lot of needless anxiety. And then you're many times more likely to take the 'easy way out' and quit on your goal. The truth is each and every shadow has a light on the other side to cast that shadow. You can command your mind to throw away all pictures of gloom and doom, so you can be open to and embrace the light of your successes. See the opposite outcome and over and over in your mind and imagine yourself stepping into that picture.

FAILURE PATTERN #11 Developing real physical symptoms & illnesses

The 10 mental patterns listed above can cause incredible anxiety, hopelessness and ultimately, prevent you from getting what you want. Physical symptoms can arise from the stress, including stomach problems, rapid pulse, headaches, high blood pressure, fatigue, sleeplessness, and even some cancers. Our unconscious minds can also conjure up psychosomatic symptoms in order to 'help' us avoid facing things we don't wish to face or to give us an excuse to quit. The truth is the mind is a power tool and the power of beliefe can create "a reality in your life" Thoughts become things. People with multiple personalities have been known and scientifically documented to change their blood chemistry when they shift to the personality that has diabeties in a matter of seconds. Stomach cancers in these people magically appear and disappear just a quickly when they shift from one person to the other. Just think if this powerful process of belief and knowing were consistently reversed to thoughts of health and well-being?

Those are the 11 patterns of failure. How many times did you see yourself? In addition, now you have a better understanding as to why clearing is so vital. These failure patterns are so strong and controlling, they absolutely must be rewired if you want to succeed in making a change in yourself or reaching a goal. During the clearing process... As the thought and belief patterns that are unsupportive to your goal appear(whether it's starting a habit, ending a habit, increasing confidence ect.) take a contrary action to make a dent in the pattern. Belief patterns are getting reversed and scrambled whenever you take actions that are opposite to your unwanted old patterns. Take the word "can’t" out of your vocabulary and start using empowered, can- do thoughts and attitudes common to people who have easily achieved the same change or goal you are after. So as your new thoughts and belief patterns get conditioned into you through new behavior, it will gradually start to seem natural and easy to do the things that may now seem frightening or impossible... ...Just like the people who feel and perform exactly how you want to feel and perform. They learned thier behaviors and got thier results through practicing them over and over till they became natural character traits.

The "truth’s" we operate on are often lies we have told ourselves over a period of years. Whether they were voiced by others, created over one time traumatic experiences we have had, or were slowly ingrained over time in conjunction with behaviors to accompany them. They can be changed through the same process of learning new behaviors, actions, which become thoughts and finally new beliefs.

The choice to change is yours and yours alone - if you back your new choices up with clear consistent action and follow through over a period of time......you will create the new person you want to be and live the life that you formerly imagined will become your reality.

Change your "truth" and you change your life!

What do you want your life to look like? Make a healthy choice! And make that choice your truth.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, ADDICTION RECOVERY AND LONELINESS

2011-10-05T20:56:00.001-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

LONELINESS AND ADDICTION RECOVERY

I think about all of the isolating that I did in my active addiction. Is it any wonder that a lot of us experience a sense of loneliness in addiction recovery?

In addiction you have distanced yourself from almost all of the positive people in your life and have instead chosen to surround yourself with people who have the same addictive qualities as yourself. Once you enter into recovery and have cut ties with the “wrong type of people” you may be left with the feeling of loneliness.

In know in my own life during different periods of my using I either hung with people just like me or I totally isolated. At the end of my addiction I became very isolated and was very successful in my isolating. When the time came when I was clean there wasn’t that much change in the number of people I was around (0), just a change in how it affected me.

When I was using drinking or drugging I didn’t mind being by myself. I was able to deny to myself that I was feeling lonely…the drugs helped me out with that. So when I wasn’t using the alcohol and drugs anymore the sense of loneliness was crushing.

The biggest obstacle in my early recovery was myself. I guess you take someone who over their entire life has been burned a few times by getting close to people, doesn’t feel comfortable enough to show emotion in front of other people, and who has an addictive thought pattern and you have the perfect recipe for the defense mechanism called…isolation.

The way that I began to bring myself out of isolation was by keeping busy. I attended meetings, any type of meeting, my entire personality had flaws if I can even consider myself ever really having a personality that was not some sort of facade. Even though sharing my thoughts and emotions with a room of strangers went against every instinct in myself, rationally I knew I needed to. I volunteered my time to feed the homeless sometimes spending my last dollar to buy the food. I read books, took walks, researched the internet everything I could about addiction and recovery to gain knowledge. Just about anything to keep my mind occupied and out of myself and my thoughts.

What I found out was after I would open up to others I felt a whole lot better. Just saying the words out loud sometimes freed me up inside. Today I can actually say God is the first one I speak to. I have learned to set bounderies and not let people take advantage of me which gets rid of the distrust of people. You will no longer attract those types of people. I have learned to wake up every morning with a clear head knowing I am never alone again and am in my recovery and my life.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR IN YOUR RECOVERY

2011-10-02T12:06:00.004-04:00

5,000 people die every ten minutes from this disease either directly or indirectly. Let's do something!!!!!!

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C/O SOBER & SEXY

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

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GRATEFULNESS

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR

IN YOUR RECOVERY

Finding Gratefulness: A Recovery Tip For Addicts

Recovering from addiction is not easy. As addicts, to break the ingrained relational patterns that has caused us so much pain takes time, patience, and persistence. Face it; as human beings rarely in our lives do great things do not come easy. If you are an addict with a genuine desire to recover – I strongly encourage you to-- never give up- no matter how much you slip, no matter how many mistakes, no matter how many times you fall into the old painful love addicted patterns in your effort to change. There is hope.

A healthier life, fulfilling love, and authentic inner-love will come if you justkeep putting one foot in front of the other. It often feels cumbersome, overwhelming, and distressing on our path to recovering.

During this journey-, I believe it is critical we sometimes put focus on things we can be grateful for in our lives today. This is not always an easy thing to do, especially early in recovery. If you discover difficulty in being grateful in your life this day, then read the following:

If The World Were a Village of 100 People...

If the world were a village of 100 people, of the 100 people in this village:

50 live in poverty
53 live on less than $2.00 a day
66 of adults are illiterate
24 do not have electricity
93 do not own a computer
30 are unemployed (many others are underemployed)
28 work in agriculture
20 of them are undernourished
20 have no clean, safe water to drink
44 have no access to clean sanitation
Only 70 people of the 100 own an automobile

Just under half of the married women in the village have access to and use modern contraceptives.
In one year, 28 babies will be born. Ten people will die, 3 of them for lack of food, 1 from cancer, 2 of the deaths are of babies born within the year.
If you do not live in fear of death by bombardment, armed attack, landmines, or of rape or kidnapping by armed groups, then you are more fortunate than 20, who do.
If you can speak and act according to your faith and your conscience without harassment, imprisonment, torture or death, then you are more fortunate than 48 of the 100 villagers.
If you have money in the bank, money in your wallet and spare change somewhere around the house, then you are among the richest 8 of them.
If you can read this message, that means you are probably lucky!

Now ask yourself: What can you be grateful for today?

I know when I was using I took a lot for granite. Nothing was ever enough. Everyone was lucky except for poor me. Recovery has taught me to appreciate the necessities that I have today.

THE PROMISES

(properly known as the "9th Step Promises")

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 83-84)

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, FREEDOM FROM CHAOS AND DRAMA

2011-10-01T16:07:00.000-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

THE THREE ROLES OF THE DRAMA AND CHAOS TRIANGLE

The three roles of the Drama Triangle are the three main positions that unhappy families play as described by transactional therapist, Stephen Karpman in 1968. The three roles are Perpetrator, rescuer and Victim that operate to keep people in the illusion of power. The roles incorporate learned patterns of habit and control mechanisms that bond people together in sick ways. They are symbiotic, destructive behaviors that affect all members of the family. Karpman drew these roles on an inverted triangle with the Persecutor (whose behavior ranges from the dominant one to the abuser in the family) and the Rescuer at the upper end of the triangle and the Victim at the bottom. The two positions at the top are considered the “one-up” positions where the people feel superior while the Victim is at the “one-down” position feeing looked down on and helplessness. The positions often shift as people change emotions to protect the ego which feels threatened. The Victim may become angry at the injustice of being persecuted, thereby shifting into the Perpetrator role. The Abuser may become tired with his angry barrage then feel guilty and shift into the rescuing role. These roles are unconscious scripts of how unhealthy family life is played out that keep people disconnected from true intimacy. They manifest in behaviors that people engage in to distance and disconnect from each other. They are the ways people attempt to stay safe, feel important and stroke their own egos. Participating in the drama of the triangle keeps people stuck in lies, blame and shame, unhealthy secrets, “shoulds” and addictions to crisis, chaos and manipulation. The Drama Triangle positions are largely unconscious in nature and kept in place by denial, arrogance, helplessness and collusion (tacit agreement from all players to keep the status quo.) Unconscious scripts of guilt, shame are programmed into the young child’s psyche. Themes of desperation form around the roles—themes of depression, alcoholism, abuse, incest, scapegoating, manipulation and codependency. These thematic patterns are passed down from one generation to the next. According to one authority, approximately one fourth of all families have some version of having a tyrant member who tells the others what to do. All roles are perpetuated by the denial of feelings first in the self and then in others. Denial is the defense mechanism that keeps people acting out in unconscious, perverted ways instead of seeing the reality of how they hurt themselves and others. The huge stash of denied feelings continues to build over a life time to perpetuate the misery in the person’s life by alienating him/her from loving connections with a partner or with children. The children in the family learn all three roles and as adults perpetuate them on to their children. According to their personality type, they choose a primary role but have the other two roles at their disposal to bring up in specific situations. Each family member “moves around the triangle” shifting roles as needed. Each person has a primary role, but can shift to another role to maintain the illusion of power. With others outside the family, different roles are played depending on how much the relationship is valued and what healthy boundaries have been set in place. For example, a man might be dominant and abusive at home, but be subservient to his boss at work. Psychotherapist, Lynn Forrest described how there is typically a primary position which the person identifies the most with. “Our primary positions are generally set-up in childhood. For instance, if a parent is overly protective, doing everything for a child, then that child may grow up to feel incapable of taking care of themselves. This sets them up for a life-time role of Victim. Or, the opposite; they might come to feel angry and vindictive if others don't take care of them, thereby adopting a primary Persecutor stance.” In healthy families, there can be a minor version of these roles which erupt more so when huge stressors hit. Instead of the abusive Perpetrator dynamic, there is a dominant partner with the other partner going along with decisions but little drama as shown in traditional marriages. In healthy families there is honesty and permission to talk about acting out behaviors of others with problem solving instead of abuse, giving in and enabling. You can learn how healthy families interact and break into the negative roles. (See John Gottman’s research on how healthy families communicate with each other.) Addictions Create Havoc in FamiliesSevere addictions always cause major destructive role playing. One form of the Perpetrator is the “nice guy” who turns mean while drinking. Another form is the angry person who rages when using drugs or alcohol. The alcoholic who withdraws regularly into stupor is a form of neglect. Addictions in some family members correspondingly bring up rescuing and victimhood in others big time. The deeper that one or more family members move into destructive addictions, the bigger the family drama will become. An article from Al Anon illustrates how family members can shift Drama Triangle positions in their despair and frustration. “It is appalling how well the alcoholic controls the family, especially the wife, husband or mother. The alcoholic drinks again and again. The family screams, cries, yells, begs, pleads, prays, threatens or practices the silent treatment. It also covers up, protects and shields the alcoholic from the consequences of drinking. It the alcoholic continues to act like a little god, it is because the family is inadequate in opposing this attitude and abets the preservation of the illusion of omnipotence.” Rescuing and enabling interrupt the natural aversive consequences of the roles. Sometimes people need to experience the painful consequences of their choices. Sometimes they need to suffer and hit bottom before they understand that they need to change. For example, a restraining order and being court ordered to anger management classes after domestic violence gives the shake up and reality check that the perpetrator needs. He needs to suffer the pain of aversive consequences rather than have the family members continue to suffer his destructive behavior. Playing the Roles always Create Lose—Lose—Lose. No One Wins in the Drama Triangle.All positions:

cause pain.
come from denied pain.
perpetuate lies and unhealthy secrets.
come from a sense of shame and cause shame.
come from feelings of unworthiness.
are about a loss of personal power.
perpetuate guilt and a “sick sense of love.”
keep people caught in dysfunctional behavior.
are passed down to the next generation of children.

The Roles that Keep You Stuck in Unhappy RelationshipsRemember that you can have some traits of each of the roles and switch back and forth between them! Perpetrator—“I Get To Feel Safe by Hurting Others and Putting Them Down”

Stuck in a false sense of superiority and defense mechanisms keep people in denial.
Addictive role—feeling the adrenalin rush during anger and rage. Getting high from fighting and witnessing fights. (If you get energized watching the Jerry Springer show, you might check out adrenalin addiction.)
Unconsciously uses anger as an energizer to keep depression at bay.
Needs to be in control and uses verbal or physical force to stay in power.
Deals with threat, new ideas and conflict with anger to stay safe in the role of being the dominant person.
Uses blame, criticisms, attacks and then venting to release stress.
Is highly judgmental of others and angry when others do not do what they say.
Self righteous judgments about others weaknesses subtly allows the weakness to continue.
Strong sense of entitlement—“you owe me” and willing to use verbal or physical force to get it.
Feelings of frustration trigger the right to get angry rather than deal with own uncomfortable feelings.
Unable to feel vulnerable and denies own weaknesses.
Shame based and uses negative behaviors to cover up/deny own problems.
Strong need to be right and not have their authority challenged.
Finds reasons to make others wrong and scapegoats them.
Believes others deserve the abuse and punishment the Perpetrators dishes out.
May have had a parent who modeled aggressive behavior and winning through force.
May have had a parent who spoiled the child setting up feelings of entitlement and getting his way.

Rescuer—“I Get to Feel Safe by Enabling Others”

Stuck in a false superiority with defense of acting unselfishly to help others.
Addictive role—feeling good at the expense of others rights to take care of themselves.
Good guy beliefs, such as takes the “high moral ground” of rescuing and enabling others.
Needs to be in control of others to avoid own feelings and problems.
Garnering self-esteem by being seen as unselfish for someone else’s own good.
Uses rescuing and enabling to connect or to feel important.
Highly judgmental of others and angry when others do not do what he/she says.
Blames Perpetrator for problems in the family while refusing to address one’s own problems.
Is anxiety driven and uses rescuing to reduce feelings of anxiety.
Guilts self when not involved with other’s problems.
Has shame about loss of self to meet others needs.
Super caretaker role can create sense of giving own self away and create depression.
Strong sense of entitlement with the Victim of “You owe me because of all I’ve done for you.”
Can become a martyr/Victim when he/she feels that he/she has been taken advantage of by others.
Parents the child though meeting his/her own needs of shame and guilt rather than meeting the needs of the child to be a responsible person who is allowed negative consequences and learns from them.
May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of a divorce or due to choosing a lousy spouse who abuses, scapegoats or neglects the child.
May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of drinking or using drugs when the child was small, neglecting the child or being a single mom.
May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of a handicapping condition or a perceived weakness in the child.

Victim—“I Get to Feel Safe by being Submissive”

Stuck in a false sense of being unworthy with defenses of feeling sorry for self and passive aggressive behavior.
Deals with threats by giving in, in order to feel safe and is submissive when others act inappropriately.
Unable to stand up for self and avoids confrontation.
Believes his/her needs do not count.
Can be overly sensitive, wish-washy and unable to make and stick to decisions.
Doesn’t take responsibility for own feelings.
Feeds off of the beliefs of Perpetrator and rescuer that he/she cannot take care of self.
Has shame base for being irresponsible and inept.
Is anxiety driven and makes excuses for staying stuck in Victim-hood.
Blames Perpetrator for problems in the family.
Anger, resentment and retaliation through manipulation and refusal to act as a responsible adult.
Moves between “Poor me” and anger with blaming others “He/she is bad.”
Angry when goes along with what the Perpetrator or Rescuer says to do.
Feels stuck and unfulfilled in life but does not risk moving forward.
May have had a lenient or overly-protective parent who set up expectations of helplessness.
May have had a parent who feels anxiety when the child has to suffer natural consequences from mistakes.

A Fourth Role—The Neglector—“I Get to Do What I Want and Ignore the Needs of Others”While Karpman did not describe this dynamic, the Neglectful Parent can cause anger, trauma and fears of abandonment in children.

Involved in own interests and needs and does not recognize the needs of the children.
Is self involved and withdraws from family connections to meet needs outside the home.
Highly involved in career, hobbies, volunteer work, affair, drinking or drugging.
Leaves children to fend for themselves.
Can be absent-minded not there or cold and rejecting.
Expects oldest child (usually a girl) to raise the younger children.
Sometimes expects a child to take care of their needs. This creates a parentified child who has to give up their childhood to take care of others. The parentified child grows up learning codependency at an early age and is often angry at missing out on getting to be a child.

A Fifth Role--The Wise, Resilient Child—“I’m Not Like Them!”

Another dynamic not described by Karpman is the child in the family who is often wiser than the parents who knows from an early age that things are not right in the family. This child understands that there must be a better way to live than to keep wounding each other with offensive behavior. He or she starts to look outside the home for positive role models—a teacher, neighbor, healthy relative, friend’s parent or coach. If the child has talent, he/she is reinforced with attention and encouragement for his hard work. He/she becomes resilient in dealing with the dysfunction of the family and seeks healthier people to hang out with. He/she works hard and his/her identity becomes associated with hard work and talent. High achievement becomes the new defense to bolster up self esteem, but it makes the person one sided. Achievement becomes the self esteem rather than balancing all the skills necessary to form connection and create a happy family life.

The resilient child becomes successful in life due his/her incorporation of positive work skills. Working hard and even workholism becomes a defense strategy to feel good and getting the praise that comes with being seen as an excellent worker. All may go well for many years until working hard to keep self esteem high is not enough. The person starts to feel empty and have the sense that something is missing in their life as he/she has literally withdrawn from contact in the family he has created. He/she starts to feel the imbalance that spending long hours on the job or on hobbies has created. Having only limited defenses—working hard and perhaps drinking or drugging, the person turns more to what has worked in the past—working harder. But achievement no longer is enough to fill the void inside. At this time, there may be a crisis--perhaps a mid life crisis. The defense of achievement does not work any more. At this juncture in life, there is a choice. The resilient child grown up can either crash into depression or acting out in addictions OR start to examine the early pain of being brought up in a Drama Triangle family where unhealthy behaviors were the daily norm. This can be a shake up time where the person decides to go into recovery and address the pain of the past. It may take the form of searching for a spiritual identity and true meaning in life. Some people believe this shake-up time is the Soul’s calling. The Call from the SoulThe Soul reaches out to get the person to examine the unresolved pain of the past to provoke personal and spiritual growth. There are certain developmental milestones across life where the personal pain is so great that the person is willing to be open and stop some of the defenses he/she has built up. The pain of the past has to be addressed. Severe pain of the present life can be an impetus to get the person to wake up and learn, stretch and grow spiritually. The call from the Soul comes forth to spur the person into becoming the best person they can be. Creating the Escape Hatch—Rising Above the Drama Triangle

Some family members find it easier to get into recovery and change than others. Rescuers and Victims are usually more sensitive people and are more likely to read books, attend self help meetings and come to therapy to get help. Perpetrators are less likely to change as they seem to have a bigger dose of arrogance, defensiveness, shame and denial to overcome. Of course, the recovery is dependent upon seeing and releasing the underlying needs that the Drama Triangle roles feed into.

Sometimes other family members see the value of getting healthy in their interactions with others; others do not. You can interrupt your Drama Triangle role playing and change the way you interact with family members. The whole recovery movement—therapy, self help books, AA and other help yourself groups, Oprah and Dr. Phil—teaches you how to change YOUR part of the dynamics of interacting with others. You can only change yourself. You can learn to be direct and straight with people without playing games. Education is the first key. Understand and observe the roles that you play and how you shift from aggressor to Victim to rescuer. Healthy relationships can happen if you are willing to work and change yourself and learn to act in ways that form intimate connections. Through imagery, see yourself in the middle of the triangle. Observe yourself when you start to go into thoughts, feelings and behaviors of the Perpetrator, Victim and rescuer roles. Rise above the roles through being mindful. Mindfulness is noticing what is happening rather than reacting to it. Watch how you are about to get hooked back in—observe your emotions and body reactions that indicate that you are being triggered. From up above, look down on the behaviors of the people involved—not to judge but to understand. Become accountable and own all thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep you in the drama roles. Take care of yourself and your feelings and problems done. Expect and insist that others take care of their feelings and problems. Make getting clean your number one priority with your behavior. Address addictions and co-dependent behaviors through self help groups such as AA, AlAnon and Codependents of American Anonymous. There is tremendous, loving help out there if you but reach out and ask for it! Stop the blame and shame game. Interrupt all blame either for self or others. Watch for attitudes and behaviors of “Who did it? Who can be blamed?” Looking for someone to be called on the carpet when something goes wrong is a constant in dysfunctional families. You can go one of two ways when there is an issue: You can look for someone to blame OR you can start problem solving. The habit of blaming comes from being judgmental. Address your constant need to judge others when they do not meet your standards and values. Mind your own business! And don’t give too much credence to negative people’s opinion of you. Remind yourself, “What ____ thinks of me is none of my business. My business is to change so that I think well of myself.” Address any irrational beliefs that you should be perfect. Error correction is analyzing your mistakes and deciding to act differently next time. The moment you realize that you have goof up, you have a choice: You can beat yourself up or you can figure out what you did wrong through problem solving. Stop self condemnation and learn from your mistakes. Put yourself around positive people who don’t have the need to play the roles of the Drama Triangle. Insist on equality in relationships. Insist that people treat each other with respect. Figure out your values and what you will and will not put up with in your life. Set boundaries and stick to them giving consequences to those who continually go past the limits you have set. Your Bottom Line is that place where you decide to walk away when someone acts in ways you can no longer live with. Discontinue relationships with friends who use or abuse you. Examine the dark sides of your personality and make friends with it. The shadow parts are those denied, repressed, acting out aspects of yourself which were formed during early family trauma. Keep your ears and eyes open and learn about your nasty behaviors which you may abhor. Keep your wisdom and heart open when you revert to the worst of yourself—these parts, when healed, hold many gifts for you. Learn release techniques for processing unhappy memories of the past and current negative emotions. The techniques of hypnosis, imagery, cognitive behavioral interruption of negativity, Eye Movement Desensitization (EMDR), Thought Field Therapy (TFT), The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), The Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT) and many others help process and release issues. Yes, you can do a lot to help yourself, but therapy is the fast track to moving off the Drama Triangle. When there has been severe dysfunction in families, you can’t get to the depth of your pain on your own without an objective guide. Find a therapist who does not just let you talk. If you’ve been with the same therapist for some time and seem stuck, consider a new approach. Therapists who know the processing techniques listed above have better recovery success than ones who just listen to you. Forgive yourself for learning the roles in the past and understand that you learned what was modeled for you. Therapists who use spiritual approaches to therapy are more likely to use techniques that help you forgive yourself and those who hurt you. One of the best techniques to promote forgiveness and moving on with your life is the Emotional Freedom Technique. This fast, effective technique incorporates forgiveness statement along with affirmations and acupressure to promote relaxation which helps neutralize strong emotions and attachment to problems. Learn congruence which is the art of having your outside behavior match your inside feelings. In congruence, all thoughts, body states, emotions and actions are similar. When you are congruent, you state your feelings and act in a direct, fair manner. Make a new contract with friends and family members that you are going to avoid game playing and speak in fair, firm ways and express feelings. Learn the “I formula” and use it when appropriate—“I feel _____ when you _____. Understand that others will not change just because you express your feelings. Get professional help early on for children who show signs of the dysfunction in the family. Anger issues, suicidal gestures, depression, use of alcohol and drugs and refusal to do school work, failing and dropping out of school are all signs of a child’s cry for help. Often the child’s acting out behavior is a barometer for the family, signaling that there is unaddressed family pain. Many families find help in getting off some of the Drama Triangle by first bringing a child who is hurting to therapy. Interventions—confrontations with loving intent—can help bring insight and change to the family sometimes. When you come from a place of centeredness and love, you can ask a family member to look at their abusing, enabling or staying in Victim attitudes and behavior. Be prepared to get denial, anger or abuse in return. The two rules in unhappy families are don’t shake up the system and don’t threaten the status quo. Understand that as you get healthy and refuse to play the Drama game, your family members may become angry and see you as bad if you refuse to play the old, manipulative games or call them on their dysfunctional behavior. If you stop bailing out irresponsible family members with your money and attention, you will be called selfish. Some people choose to dissociate themselves from their game-playing family as they become healthy. If they do not pull away completely, they limit the amount of time they spend with dysfunctional members of their family. They shorten family visits where there is excessive use of alcohol and verbal abuse. They drop in on holidays before people become drunk and abusive instead of spending the entire day. There is strength in numbers. Get together with members of the family who are ready to address the pain. Family dysfunction has to be recognized and processed. If you are the only one in recovery, get a support group of like minded people who are working on their own releases from Drama Triangle roles.

Healthy Skills for each Role Player to Leave the Drama Triangle

Perpetrator Role

Stop denying that you reject, punish, or persecute others.
Face the horrific reality that you have damaged others by your unrealistic expectations and anger.
Give up the need to be right and feel self righteous and superior to others.
Stop rationalizing and justifying domineering beliefs and behaviors.
Get honest with yourself—tell yourself the truth! Own the effects of your loud voice, angry stare and cold shoulder on others. Catch and interrupt yourself when you increase the volume and force to get your way.
When others disagree with you, ask yourself, “Am I really being threatened or is it just a difference of opinion?”
Learn how your use of force makes you feel powerful and find healthy ways to feel good about yourself.
Own how you are energized by getting angry. Identify the adrenalin rush that anger gives you.
Find new, healthy highs and energizing experiences to replace the adrenalin high of anger.
Attend anger management classes to learn anger containment and anger release techniques.
Attend parenting classes to learn about children’s age appropriate behavior and learn appropriate discipline techniques.
Monitor anger and take a time-out by walking away before you become verbally or physically abusive.
Learn to feel vulnerable with uncomfortable feelings instead of exploding out in anger when stressed or threatened.
Learn and use the Intentional Dialogue Technique (Harville Hendrix’s Imago Therapy) to feel empathy and compassion for others.
Apologize to those you have harmed and begin the repair work to set the family on a healthy course.
Get a life where you can live in peace, without anger!

Rescuer Role

Catch yourself in the act of feeling good because you helped someone. Stop basing your self-esteem on helping others.
Give up the need to feel superior because you are the good guy who always helps others.
Address your self esteem needs to control others and know what is best for them.
Address your own problems, shortcomings and negative emotions instead of focusing on other people.
Set limits about solving other people’s problems and put ALL of your energy in to solving your own.
Learn the “hooks”—how others use guilt and manipulation to pull you into the Drama Triangle.
Stop rationalizing and justifying your caretaking and enabling behavior.
Stop feeling sorry for other people and giving them advice, money or support.
When others overwhelm you with their problems, tell them you are not qualified to deal with such deep issues and suggest they get professional help.
Get clean and sober with your codependency. Read at least five books on codependency and do the mind-opening exercises.
Attend Adult Children of Alcoholics and AlAnon, get a sponsor and work the steps.
Deal with your anger of being the good little girl or boy and the parentified child who did not get to have a childhood.
Read five books on the heavy emotion of shame. Do the exercises in the books to help release shame.
Interrupt guilty feelings when you refrain from unnecessary giving by reminding yourself that your old family programming is coming up.
Define your new self esteem as a person who takes care of your own feelings, thoughts, actions and problems.
Bow out of the drama and encourage the Victim to stand up to the Perpetrator whenever possible.
Take an assertiveness course.
Get a life where you are responsible only for yourself!

Victim Role

Stop expecting someone else to rescue you. Think and problem solve for yourself. Act boldly.
Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and actions that contribute to your Victim role.
Be authentic with others and learn to state your feelings and your needs firmly.
Learn the body sensations and reactions that signal you are about to collapse into helplessness.
Listen to your constant Victim statements and break into them.
Address the terror and release traumatic memories of being abused by Perpetrator.
Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other people’s anger.
Study Learned Helplessness and Learned Optimism (Martin Seligman) and apply the ideas from his research to your life.
Challenge any belief or thoughts that say you are unworthy and can’t take care of yourself.
Decide what you expect and state your minimum standard of behavior that you consider to be decent treatment from others.
Set limits with Perpetrators and rescuers and walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries.
Stop blaming the Perpetrator and rescuer and focus on getting out from under their influence.
Deal with your anger at being scapegoated and punished by others and your taking on the victim role.
Start a self nurturing, self care program to bolster your ability to take care of your own needs.
Take an assertiveness training course. Read five books on assertiveness. Take the course again.
Surround yourself with new, positive friends and define yourself as an independent person who can handle life’s problems.
Get a life where you are responsible for yourself!

Hello. My Name is _____ and I’m in Recovery from the Drama Triangle

Get honest. Recovery from family dysfunction is a time of facing the truth about your childhood and delving into the dark hole of lies, manipulations and devious behaviors that exist inside of you. It is about examining how you treat others and allow them to treat you. Drama Triangle work is Soul work. It is a call from your highest self to address the guilt, shame and sense of unworthiness within that percolates up and refuses to go away. You can create the space to watch and address your thoughts and behaviors as they present themselves daily. Really get it that your playing out the familiar roles of Perpetrator, Rescuer and Victim does not serve you. It does not serve others. It is just something you have learned because it was modeled for you. So you need not have guilt or feel ashamed for what you have learned living in your family. As learned patterns of habit, the attitudes and behaviors that make up all the roles of the Drama Triangle can be unlearned. To do nothing to change the roles guarantees that thing will remain the same. Real love in a family is a combination of checks and balances—calling a person on his inappropriate behavior when necessary and giving enthusiastic support for strivings for growth. Unconditional love given to disrespectful or destructive behavior reinforces the Perpetrator role as it does not provide any motivation for change. Unconditional love given to rescuing, enabling or victim behavior enhances continuing dysfunction. Real love is honest and asks the people in the family to become the best they can be without shaming or guilting. The ability to share feelings honestly and respectfully is one sign of healthy behavior in a family. Real love communicates a belief of positive regard for the person. It expects and gives respect to all family members. The undoing of the pain is an ongoing process of emotional and spiritual maturity across the lifespan. It can be hastened through study, observation and confrontation of negative behaviors. You learn, stretch and grow each as you mindfully watch your interactions with others. The techniques from Energy Psychology Therapy and Imago Therapy are so easy to learn to help you release negativity with amazing quickness. Forgiveness is the ultimate key to true change and recovery. It can’t be forced, but by studying this humbling process of release, it comes, sometimes out of the blue, to take you to a place of higher consciousness. Forgiveness happens gradually for some as there is a realization as Virginia Satir said, “We are all victims of victims of victims.” Forgiveness is threefold: forgiveness of self, others and whatever you call God. Start with yourself to accept that you are a person with strong feelings that were born of trauma and injustice that call out now for transformation. That’s why the Course in Miracles and the Emotional Freedom Technique have such depth. They have a process to touch into forgiveness which you can apply daily to bring about an overall acceptance and surrender of the injustices and betrayals that happened in your life to come to a place of calmness. Remember, recovery from your family pain is a day-to-day process. Life becomes brighter and more cheerful when you address your personal pain. With practice and mindfulness, you can break down those walls of delusion of dysfunctional behavior you have built in a misguided attempt to stay safe. Make honesty the only language you speak. In your recovery from lies, deceits, and manipulation, decide to be as honest as you can and treat those you love with respect. The process of recovery is being mindful as you heed that call from your Soul to wake up and become all that you can be.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, ARE YOU IN DENIAL?

2011-09-30T18:33:00.001-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

God, grant me the
SERENITY
to accept the things
I cannot change

COURAGE
to change the
things I can

and
WISDOM
to know the difference

Drug and Alcohol Information

- Denial -

Overview

Denial is a common defense tactic that everyone uses to some degree. It is an automatic response to avoid something uncomfortable. The kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar will say, when confronted, something like "I was just seeing if any cookies were left" or "No, my hand wasn't in the cookie jar."

Avoiding Uncomfortable Realities

Snap answers are a way to avoid admitting an uncomfortable reality. We don't consciously have to think about what to say. The denial comes from the unconscious as an immediate statement, said in a truthful, innocent or irritated voice. It comes from a fear of looking bad or of having to give up a dependency we don't feel we can do without.

In addiction, denial gets stronger and more rigid. Alcoholics and addicts consciously believe their own denial to avoid the painful reality that addiction controls their life and most everybody has something in their life that controls them. We can think of denial as a way of telling the truth about a small part of reality as if it were all of reality. For example, the person who has not had a drink in two hours might focus on those two hours and assert, "I haven't been drinking" -- leaving out "for the last two hours."

Denial blinds addicts to the cause of their problem -- their dependence on drugs or alcohol. It allows them to pretend that their using is not destructive. Denial is so powerful that addicts are often the last to recognize their disease. Some pursue their addiction as their life and health deteriorate, continuing their denial until they die.

Even during recovery, denial can occur. An example is the addict who says "I know I have to quit drinking, but I never had a problem with weed, so I can use a little of that." After a period of sobriety, denial often recurs with the thoughts, "I've been good for 6 months. I can drink normally again."

Effects on Others

Denial is painful and causes frustration for those who care about the addict. The destructive progression of the addiction is obvious to everyone except the addict. Sometimes when family members release the addict (with love, if possible) and tell the addict they no longer want a relationship, the addict accepts the need for help. In other situations, the addict uses that rejection as another excuse to justify using more.

Defenses and Addiction

Defenses are normal. Everyone has them and uses them, but addicts use them to maintain addictive behaviors and thoughts. As addiction progresses, defenses become more and more powerful and rigid, hiding the worsening consequences of addictive behavior. Part of recovery is looking at reality and taking responsibility for the uncomfortable consequences of our addiction. This often means developing more mature defenses that allow more flexible thinking and more honest and wholesome ways of being in the world.

Defenses come in many different forms. We may close our eyes to the destructive consequences of using, or we may explain our addiction away in an intellectual fashion that saves us from having to feel. Another common defense is blaming, during which we find fault with someone else to avoid looking at our own responsibilities.

The following are common defenses:

Denial: Refusing to admit or acknowledge that our drinking or using has become a problem. (I can quit any time I want to. My using isn't that bad.)
Isolation: Removing ourselves from the company of family and friends for the purpose of maintaining a chemical habit.
Rationalization: Giving reasons to explain why we drink or use. (I drink because I hate my job.)
Blaming: Transferring responsibility for our behavior to other people. (I wouldn't drink if my spouse treated me right.)
Projection: Rejecting our own feelings by ascribing them to someone else. (Why is that stupid idiot being so hostile?)
Minimizing: Refusing to admit the magnitude of the amount used. (I only have a couple of drinks. It's not a problem.)

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

2011-09-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

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LYNN NELSON

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100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

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profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

To thine own self be true. Sounds like a great idea yet we all know that it's not necessarily as easy or straightforward as it sounds. Why is that? Why is it challenging to be true to ourselves? Why doesn't authenticity come naturally to us? After all, the words 'natural' and 'authentic' are practically synonyms.

"This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow - as the night the day - thou cans't not be false to any man."

~From "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic

The Quest For Authenticity

The effort to align with our true inner self isn't an ideological quest. Nor is it the result of an immature hankering for a perfection that doesn't exist. We aren't trying to step into an idealized version of ourselves. We aren't trying to erase all flaws.

Authenticity is a primal urge. Animals live this primal urge naturally - since they have no false self to interfere with it. We feel the full force of this urge standing behind a veil of the mind that separates us from the authenticity that is naturally ours.

To thine own self be true is a quest for the real. Instead of settling for a narrow picture of reality - we want to know the whole of it. We want to live the whole of it.

Being True To Yourself - Being Authentic

Real Self - False Self

Nature is such that where there's an up there's a down, where there's an in there's an out, where courage appears it is always on the coattails of fear - and where a real self exists, there will be a false self operating in it's shadow.

This is why living an authentic life isn't to be taken for granted. Living authentically is a challenge thanks to the dual nature of our existence.

The False Self

The false self has many faces.
Most forms of stress, procrastination, anxiety, fear, indecision, lack of purpose or meaning, avoidance, denial, victim mentality and general malaise can be traced to the false self. The false self embodies the challenges we need to overcome in order to grow and evolve.

The good news is that our false self is, well...false. It isn't something we are born with - it isn't innate. The false self comes from our conditioning. In other words it is learned; and what has been learned, can be unlearned.

False self is full of resistance. It meets the events of life thinking, "this shouldn't be happening to me" or "this shouldn't be happening, period." Letting go of our resistance is the first and most important step we can take to reconnect with our true inner self and leave the false self behind. It is also the first and most important step to creating positive change. By resisting 'what is' we reinforce it and keep it in place.

The Real Self

To thine own self be true requires that we get in touch with who we really are - beneath the masks of the false self. Authentic self is who we really are. It is us - minus the distortions created by our past conditioning.
The real self, or true inner self, isn't something we need to create. We were born with it. We will die with it. We will also live with it over the full span of our allotted time on this earth. In a world full of change and uncertainty it's one of the few things we can truly rely on.

This doesn't mean that our real self can't change or evolve. In fact, true self sees life as an ongoing opportunity for self-definition. To the real self, it is almost as if every moment comes with a whisper, "so who do you want to be now?"

Authentic self is so potent - and open to change - that it's not bothered by external threats or accusation. The real self knows that it can redefine or recreate itself if it chooses to. There is no need to be defensive.

As powerful as it is, our real self can be obscured by our conditioning and acquired habits. Habitual patterns of thought and behavior distract us from who we really are. The six mind habits we could do without discusses some examples that most of us can identify with.

This is why an authentic life doesn't necessarily come naturally to us. We often need to work hard at it. We need to work hard to remind ourselves who we really are. This is the real meaning of 'to thine own self be true'. It's about knowing yourself and remembering yourself as often as you can.

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic

Working With Duality

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses' opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

~Oscar Wilde

To become aware of what is true we need to become aware of what is false as well. Awareness of truth and falsehood are inseperable. Becoming aware of a falsehood, we awaken to a corresponding truth. Remaining ignorant of a falsehood, we remain ignorant of it's corresponding truth. Truth and falsehood reveal each other.

Pretending we're completely false (or 'bad') or completely authentic (or 'good') doesn't get us anywhere. The potential for both are always with us.

Our real self wants us to live our best, most rewarding, most fulfulling, most meaningful life possible. The real self is our guardian angel throughout.

Do you doubt your real self? Good! That's your false self at play and you can now put your finger right on it. The false self will always doubt the real self and the real self will always doubt the false. They are of different nature's and do not recognize each other. Yet, our awareness encompasses both.

The false self is harbor to values, desires, and beliefs acquired from sources external to us. Family, loved ones, society - are all active contributors. This external input isn't part of our authentic self, unless we evaluate it and consciously choose it as our own. Until we do this, parts of our self and our life remain unowned.

What does the world of 'to thine own self be true' actually look like? How does it feel to be living in the world of the real self? How does the world of the false self feel like? Developing this kind of awareness helps us to recognize when we're living authentically or perhaps not as authentically as we may like to.

The World Of The False Self	The World Of The Real Self
I am a pawn of circumstance. My experience is determined by events that aren't under my control.	I am the cause, the source, of my experience.
The approval of others is of primary importance. I sacrifice myself in the process.	I am willing to risk the dissaproval of others to live my life.
If I hold a belief then it means it must be true.	Things aren't true just because I believe them.
I am who I am.	"Who I am now is a result of my past actions; who I will be is what I do now." ~The Buddha
I am run by my emotions and urge of the moment.	I respond based on my values, conscious intention or purpose.
Fear.	Trust.
I need to be respected by others.	I cultivate self respect first.
I try to be what others think I should be. I want what others have. I fear I will never get it.	I know who I am. I know what I want. I trust I can get it or live it.
Life just seems to pass me by. I'm asleep and living unconsciously. Life is a gift?	I feel engaged with life. I'm keenly aware and awake to life. I often feel grateful. Life is a gift!
I know it all. There's nothing new under the sun.	I'm curious. I wonder. I question and want to learn more.
I feel numb and lifeless.	I can hardly contain myself.
I'm lonely and therefore depressed.	I'm alone and therefore free!
Life is predetermined. I have no freedom.	Life is determined by the freedom I have.
I feel like a fraud; like I'm living a life that isn't really me.	My life feels right. I have found or am finding my rightful place in it.
I can't seem to give myself permission to pursue what I want. I have a hard time even admitting to myself that I want it!	I do what I will and will what I want. If it isn't harming anyone - it's fair game. Full steam ahead!

'To thine own self be true' means to make a shift in the way we think, feel and act - shifting our habitual thought patterns from the left column over to the right. Identify the thought patterns in the left column that are specific to you, and practice replacing them with their right column alternative.

Of course, these are only a few examples of false self vs. authentic self thought patterns. Search your own experience, explore your own mind - hunt down the thought patterns that are keeping you trapped in a false self and the false world that comes with it. Align with truth instead.

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic

Stepping Out-of-the-Mind

'To thine own self be true' remains nothing more than an inspiring slogan without cultivating the self awareness that actually makes it possible. This is why stepping out-of-the-mind is such an important self help skill to master.

Stepping out-of-the-mind gives us distance from the false self. It enables us to see it. It allows us to re-visit our values, beliefs and standards and to choose them consciously this time.

Stepping out-of-the-mind also gives us the opportunity to re-examine our doubts, hesitations and fears. "Are these doubts, fears and hesitations really my own, or do they come from the values and beliefs planted in me by others?"

"What do I believe in?" "What do I choose to value?" "What do I want to do?" Ask yourself these questions and find your truth. Then go out and live it.

Stepping out-of-the-mind empowers us to see the false self for what it is - a shadow of reality. Stepping out-of-the-mind we align with our true purpose and intentions, leaving confusion behind.
More and more we become our one true voice.

God, grant me the
SERENITY
to accept the things
I cannot change

COURAGE
to change the
things I can

and
WISDOM
to know the difference

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, GRATITUDE AND RECOVERY

2011-09-17T14:29:00.000-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

God, grant me the
SERENITY
to accept the things
I cannot change

COURAGE
to change the
things I can

and
WISDOM
to know the difference
GRATITUDE AND RECOVERY

Have Gratitude in Recovery and Overcome Your Addiction

How Can we gain Gratitude in Recovery?”

If you think back, you can probably pinpoint at least one point in your life when you really felt a deep sense of gratitude. Maybe everything was going really good you and your friends and family were all healthy, and you didn't have any major problems to speak of. Perhaps you had just come into some money, or maybe you just started a really exciting relationship. Whatever the situation might have been, you felt a deep sense of gratitude. Note that you weren't just being giddy about your good fortune you had a deeper sense of appreciation for your life that went way beyond simply being happy. In that moment, you had a deep appreciation for existence itself for living life with all of its challenges, with all of the tough times included. You were gratefulfor all of it.

Although we have all experienced gratitude like this, we know that such moments can be fleeting, and eventually we all return to a much more average baseline of gratitude. We might not be miserable and ungrateful, but we are probably not walking around, filled with joy, and overflowing with gratitude, either. Most of us spend our days somewhere in the middle of this continuum. But what if we made a conscious effort to practice gratitude on a daily basis?

Gaining Gratitude Requires

Us to Slow Down

Most of us causally dismiss the idea of gratitude in our minds all the time. Think about it: most of the time, we are trying to stay busy, be productive, get things done at work, etc. The idea of appreciating the little things is a mere distraction at best our busy minds tell us that everything will be alright if we can just get our work done properly and in a timely manner. So it becomes hurry-up-and-wait, and most of us find ourselves discontentwhen we have nothing to do, instead of being able to relax. On the other hand, if we take a bit more time with things, and be mindful; be appreciative we can enjoy the simple things in life while still getting our work done. Think about it: what are you here for? Are you just some busy robot, rushing to get things done so that later you can....what? Start enjoying life right now. Relax, slow down, take time to reflect, and start appreciating life.

Make a Gratitude List.

This is a popular tactic for developing gratitude. It might feel a bit silly at first, but sit down and force yourself to write out each thing that you are grateful for in your life. This method is tried and tested very therapeutic.
What is it like?

A woman was asked by a Co-worker, what is it like to be a recovering addict? The Co-worker replied, It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts his light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. God bless you.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, SURRENDER AND RECOVERY

2011-09-16T20:36:00.000-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

The Courage to Surrender for Recovery

There are many important aspects of the recovery process, and today, as I look back on my life and my recovery, I am very grateful that I was able to surrender my will over to a Power greater than myself. Having the courage and willingness to surrender has truly saved my life. Prior to my recovery, I had tried over and over to abstain from drugs and alcohol to no avail. Selfishness and pride were in control, and I wasn't capable of recovering from drugs and alcohol on my own. I then heard about the 12 Step Fellowship, and found out that recovery was possible. People just like me have been recovering from drugs and alcohol for years and years. Finally, I had something to believe in, which has led me on a journey of recovery that has brought me a life of serenity and confidence.

There was so much information to learn, and I became willing to do whatever necessary to stay clean and sober. After going to meetings and speaking with people in recovery, I found out that I would have to surrender my will over to a Power greater than myself. In meetings, I heard over and over to stay "Honest, Open-minded, and Willing". After the days had progressed in my early recovery, everything started to make sense. I told myself that I needed to apply the suggestions in my own recovery, and, by doing so, I would surely recover. I found the courage to surrender my will over to a Power greater than myself. After doing so, the journey of self-discovery, enlightenment, awareness, and spiritual growth commenced.
I finally found the missing link that had been missing from my life - a God of my understanding. From the moment I've accepted God into my life, I have been truly set free from a life of active addiction and alcoholism. My Higher Power, who I choose to call God, has given me the life that I had always dreamed of. Today, not only do I live a life that's free of drugs and alcohol, but I also live a life that's full of serenity, hope, faith, peace, and success. None of this would have been possible without relinquishing my will over to a God of my understanding.
After I surrendered to God, I continued to follow the suggestions of the 12 Step program. I started working the Steps, and going to meetings. I found out that I wasn't alone on this journey in recovery. Fellow addicts and alcoholics were right beside me with open arms and open hearts. I've discovered that the 12 Step program really does work. Daily, I mustered the courage to always strive forward. The personal growth and spiritual enlightenment that has resulted is unfathomable. I am amazed of the life I am able to live today, and how far I've come out of the depths of self-destruction. From working a good program of recovery, I no longer crave drugs or alcohol. I have been set free from a life of chaos and destruction. Today, I live to give back what has been so freely given to me. It is now my lifelong endeavor to spread the message of hope and strength that has saved my life. You too can recover, and live a life that you've always dreamed of. By following the suggestions of the program, we will stay clean and sober.

Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the first steps to success. Surrender is the next crucial step that will lead us on a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment that will truly set us free. By having the courage to step forth in faith, we will be greatly rewarded with a life that's full of serenity and hope. No longer do we have to be bound by the deadly grips of addiction or alcoholism. So let's step forth in faith and enjoy the new life that awaits. Finding a God of our understanding will enable us to fully enjoy the fruits of the program. I hope that everyone can live and enjoy a life that's free of drugs and alcohol. Good luck to all,

and to all a good recovery.
- Amazing grace! How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; Was blind, but now I see.
  
  'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved; How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed.
  
  Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.
  
  The Lord has promised good to me, His Word my hope secures; He will be my shield and portion be, As long as life endures.
  
  Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease, I shall possess, within the veil, A life of joy and peace.
  
  The world shall soon to ruin go, The sun refuse to shine; But God, who called me here below, Shall be forever mine.
  
  When we've been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We've no less days to sing God's praise Than when we'd first begun.
  
  ~ ~ ~ John Newton

MY PERSONAL VISIT TO DR. BOB SMITH'S HOUSE, AKRON, OHIO SOBER AND SEXY BLOG

2011-09-15T16:45:00.008-04:00

100 SINGLETARY CIRCLE #6

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

I would like to take a little time to tell you about myself since I have not done this since I start blogging. I have battled addiction for 35 years since the age of thirteen starting with alcohol blocking feelings of not fitting in, not living up to my parents' standards, fear, anxiety. I did not grow up poor. Addiction is not discriminative. I also grew up in Akron, Ohio. The home of AA, how ironic is that? I did 21 stints in rehab, have had several sponsors, rapid trauma addiction therapy but it wasn't until God let me see the face of Satan did it turn my life around. I will now and will forever dedicate the rest of my life to helping others with this affliction, some way, some how. Would you be willing to help?

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

Today I am a grateful recovery alcoholic/addict. My life has never been better. When I was drinking and drugging for years and years my life was a nightmare and full of drama, chaos and consequences. I was what they called "functional" alcoholic addict for decades but was I really? As a grateful person in recovery I can see the promises coming true, one by one.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

3rd ed. Big Book pg. 83 & 84

The choice is ours...

The above excerpts are from the book titled, Alcoholics Anonymous.

This week I was so blessed to have a wonderful person in my life make it possible for me to take a tour of Dr. Bob Smith's house in Akron, Ohio. I grew up in Akron. I did not know then it was the home of a program that would help save my life some day. When you walk down the street and reach the front of his house there are twelve steps leading to the front porch. Coincidence or not??? Will we ever know.......

I walked into Dr. Bob's home and that's exactly what it was...........HOME. And the coffee was brewing.

As I walked up the twelve steps of Dr. Bob's house and entered the front door a sign hung that said "Welcome Home" and was welcomed by a most friendly tour guide.

I continued into the living room.

When you are here all you feel is serenity and peace.......

I continued into the dining room......

Dr. Bob's Kitchen

Dr. Bob and his wife's bedroom

Bedroom Where Dr. Bob surrendered to his third step.

A chute Dr. Bob built to slide his liquor to basement to hide it from his wife.

Staircase the bedrooms

I am just going to end this blog by saying it was a spiritual experience and "Amen"

SEXY AND SOBER BLOG, RESENTMENTS THE NUMBER ONE OFFENDER OF RECOVERY

2011-09-10T15:09:00.000-04:00

IMMOKALEE, FL 34142

For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my

profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

ALCOHOLICS ARE RESENTMENT-PRONE.

Most alcoholics have a deep—almost pathological—sense of justice. If we are wronged (meaning often that we did not get what we wanted), or we even conjure up the notion that we might have been wronged, we find full justification to express anger or harbor resentment. It then seems almost a duty to carry a justified resentment. Otherwise, those who have wronged us would get off scot-free. And that wouldn't be right, would it? So, we waste our God-given lives judging and punishing our fellows. Relinquishing a justified resentment is one of the most difficult experiences known to the alcoholic.

If you explore the origins of the resentment word in our dictionary your will find:

Resent has also been used in other senses that seem strange to us, such as " to feel pain " or " to perceive by smell. " The thread that ties the senses together is the notion of feeling or perceiving...again.

For the alcoholic, resentment is a reliving of the offense that injured us in the first place. Think about it. We perceive that we are punishing that person for their wrong when, in fact, we are simply willing ourselves to feel the hurt again, and again, and again - get the point? Resenting makes no more sense than our drinking did. Something is twisted in brainsville, we think.

METHODS OF RESENTMENT REMOVAL.

How are resentments removed? Here are the customary methods, and they are presented in increasing order of difficulty (to the alcoholic, that is):

Neglect. Yes, benign neglect removes most of our thoughts of the day. We simply forget about things that are not important to us. As we grow in our sobriety we are less interested in harboring resentments, and they follow a natural order of elimination unless they are captured by our perverse habits.

Reflection. If we are aware of our resentment, and if we wish to get rid of it, we are wise to think about it. Did we really hear what the other person said? Did they really say what they meant? Was what we heard just a rumor? Does the offending action fit a pattern, or might it have been a fluke? Was the offender in distress? Are we giving this person the benefit of the doubt? If not, why are we better off carrying a resentment?
Investigation. Maybe we need more substantiation or facts? Is there independent verification of what happened? Have we mentioned to the potentially offending person that we we taken aback by their possible action, and we would like to see if we understood correctly? Do the facts substantiate that we were really harmed on purpose? If not, why not just drop the whole thing?

Benefit/Cost Analysis. If there was a real harm, especially an intentional one, what is the benefit to us of carrying a resentment? Should it be a big resentment? What should be its ranking among the other justified resentments we already have? Will its insertion into our resentment inventory mean we should discard a resentment of lesser injury? How long should we carry this resentment? Does it justify vengeance? Are we willing to suffer loss of friendship, destruction of property, expense, arrest, or social disfavor as a consequence of being judge, jury and executioner? Would it not be nicer to simply be rid of the resentment?

Forgiveness. Yes, it is possible to be rid of residual resentments through forgiveness. The reference links below will describe how this can be done. Here are a few pointers, though:

Anonymity. The person you resent need not know of your resentment. In fact, it is much better and simpler if they do not know. A grudge nurtured in secret is much sweeter anyway.

Privacy. Unless the person whom you resent has asked for your forgiveness, or if you are absolutely certain that they will cherish your forgiveness, you should keep your forgiving private. It can be a gross form of arrogance to approach another person in order to tell them that they are forgiven. Usually they will have no idea of having committed an offense, and they will wonder who the dickens you think you are forgiving them - God, perhaps

Finality. Once you have forgiven another person, the act is final. It need never be repeated, nor should you permit the resentment to recur.

And, of course, there is the old standby, prayer. After the discussion of each step in the Big Book, a number of methods to alleviate or remove problems are set forth. The persistent and fundamental tool "suggested" to us is prayer. Prayer should have been in the list above, but we didn't know how to rank it in order of difficulty. For some of us, prayer is the easy and natural tool for straightening out our lives. For others, it is an alien, even hostile prospect. Whatever one's feeling about prayer might be, there should be steady effort to make it a primary ingredient in consciousness.

WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?

The Dictionary on FORGIVE

for-give (fuhr giv') v. <-gave, -giv-en, -giv-ing>

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, sin, etc.); absolve.

2. to cancel or remit (a debt, obligation, etc.): to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to pardon an offense or an offender.

WHO IS THE KEEPER OF OUR WRONGS?

There may be a bit of our personal theology here. If yours is different, please don't be offended. You might just be right.

When we commit an offense (or fail to fulfill and obligation) the wrong is recorded. The party(s) we have offended, if any, might keep score — most people do. We also add to the bag of guilt, shame, remorse and self-loathing that we haul around with us.

But, the real recorder has been built into the system of the universe by its Creator. It is automatic and inevitable that all wrongs are recorded. And, the one and only thing that can remove them is amendment (correction or repair) of the wrong. Period.

In the East, they call this system Karma. In metaphysics they might call it the Akasha. Whatever it is called and where ever it is located (most likely within us), it works, and it always works without fail, especially for we alcoholics, it seems (joke).

OBJECTS OF FORGIVENESS.

Just who is being forgiven, and by whom?

Forgiving others. If an act of courtesy on our part will help others feel better about themselves, then perhaps we should let them know we have no negative feelings about their actions. But we should never believe that we can, in fact, interfere in their being forgiven in accordance with God's plan for them. Our beliefs and actions are not part of that plan.

Being forgiven by others. The same logic applies as with forgiving others. Cosmetic forgiveness between humans can be a compassionate act. However, genuine forgiveness is a very personal matter.

Being forgiven by God. God does not keep records, nor does He carry grudges. The universal system of justice He has created takes care of correction and forgiveness automatically. He does not intervene. He simply loves us all the time.

Forgiving ourselves. Just as humans cannot truly forgive each other, self-forgiveness is not possible, either. There is more to be said here, however. We assuredly agree that many, if not most, alcoholics know guilt, shame, remorse and self-loathing to excess. We MUST be rid of these before we can truly see the perfection of the Creator within ourselves as we are intended to do. We must also be enabled to look into the mirror and smile at the creature emerging from the slime of self-centered assertion into the service of the Father through his fellows. Knowing that we are forgiven is a requirement for the sober life.

The first thing to do is to clear away the false crimes of which we have convicted ourselves. A solid Step Five will produce a list of our defects of character and a preliminary list of persons we have harmed. If we feel bad about ourselves for anything not on these lists, the lists are either incomplete or we are caught up in the defect of senseless self-condemnation. Feeling bad about oneself, which might have been justified when we were doing our damage, is often an emotional hangover that needs to be discarded. You can create a self respect (not pride) list. It might be next to the mirror, and it might say, "I have cause to respect myself today because I have ... (list of good deeds, steps taken, persons helped, prayers, etc.)." But, be sure never to put yourself on your Step Eight list.

The second thing to do is to take Step Nine (after one through eight with your sponsor, of course). Why? Because amendment is the only means of gaining forgiveness.

OUR "RIGHT" TO FORGIVE.

We feel that when a wrong is committed there is an immediate creation of a record of the act. This record cannot be prevented NOR can it be eradicated through forgiveness. The injured party cannot remove the record, and God will not do so, either, because He created the system of records in the first place. It works just fine for Him.

So, how are you and others absolved from our wrongs? You guessed it, Step Nine. Amendment (repair/correction) of the offense removes the record automatically. Forgiveness plays no part whatsoever in absolution.

Why all this talk about forgiveness, then? The fact is that we are not forgiving offenses against ourselves in the sense of removing the need for amendment on the part of the offender. That we cannot do. Only amendment can do that. Our act of forgiving is to clean out ourselves. That's right. We remove from ourselves the curse we have imposed upon ourselves to punish the offender. Our forgiveness absolves not their act but removes our own personal reaction to it.

Wow, what a concept. It is not their karma we correct, but our own!

The Big Book tells us that resentment is

the biggest threat to our sobriety.

Acceptance is Not Approval

ORDER DAN'S BOOK NOW!!!! ITS AN AWESOME

PROGRAM. IT WORKS. DAN'S AN A WONDERFUL

MAN. A GENIUS OF RECOVERY.

Self Centeredness......by definition

Blue Angels to Madison Rising version of The Star Spangled Banner

America the Beautiful (Remastered)

Why do we so often struggle with saying 'no'?

CODEPENDENCY

Guilt

Accept Compliments.....YOU ARE WORTH IT!

DRAMA, CHAOS AND CRISIS..... OH MY!!!!!

SEXY AND SOBER BLOG, DENIAL, THE MONSTER OF ADDICTION

DENIAL, THE MONSTER OF

ADDICTION

Understand Addiction In Order to Help Addict

Get Help Yourself In Order To Help The Addict

Establish Boundaries And Set Limits With The Addict

Confronting The Addict

Organize a Formal Intervention

Assess A Person’s Addiction In Order To Determine The Correct Approach

Practicing Detachment

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What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

What Is Addiction? Making Sense Of It All

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SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, FREEDOM FROM CHAOS AND DRAMA

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, ARE YOU IN DENIAL?

Drug and Alcohol Information

- Denial -

Overview

Avoiding Uncomfortable Realities

Effects on Others

Defenses and Addiction

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic The Quest For Authenticity

Being True To Yourself - Being Authentic Real Self - False Self

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic Working With Duality

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic Stepping Out-of-the-Mind

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, GRATITUDE AND RECOVERY

Have Gratitude in Recovery and Overcome Your Addiction

How Can we gain Gratitude in Recovery?”

Gaining Gratitude Requires

Us to Slow Down

Make a Gratitude List.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, SURRENDER AND RECOVERY

The Courage to Surrender for Recovery

MY PERSONAL VISIT TO DR. BOB SMITH'S HOUSE, AKRON, OHIO SOBER AND SEXY BLOG

SEXY AND SOBER BLOG, RESENTMENTS THE NUMBER ONE OFFENDER OF RECOVERY

Acceptance is Not Approval

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic

The Quest For Authenticity

Being True To Yourself - Being Authentic

Real Self - False Self

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic

Working With Duality

To Thine Own Self Be True - Being Authentic

Stepping Out-of-the-Mind